Archive of Our Own ^beta

Kaveh knew this would be a bad day. From the moment he woke up he knew something would happen. He got these feelings often, perhaps it was a response to his hectic childhood.

But the worst part about his gut feelings, was that he never knew what would happen or how severe it would be. Meaning today could range from unknowingly eating a bruised apple to an actual apocalypse.

The architect dragged himself out of his bed, gravitating toward the kitchen in desperate need of coffee.

After downing a mug of the bitter substance, he went to get started on his work.

Entering his room again, which doubled as his office, he set out his most recent blueprints and sketches for a new client.

He spent the day bent over, slaving away at his desk, you could say he was cramming, but the deadline wasnt anytime soon. He was mainly doing this to lift some of the weight on his shoulders.

At around 4pm, he decided to head to the market to get things for dinner, since the pantry was almost empty.

Walking through the stalls, he took in the scenery, the sky was gradually turning a periwinkle colour, preparing for twilight, shops had their lamps on, blaring warm light and illuminating the street in colours. The smells, the sounds, the people, that was what he loved most about the market.

He stopped at a stall to pick up some zaytun peaches and harra fruits for quick snacks if they ever needed one.

After thanking the old lady running the stall, he turned to see a familiar face, or rather, what he thought was a familiar face.

He saw his father.

But that was impossible, he was dead, he’d been dead for years.

But this man looked so much like him.

“Um, sir? Are you alright?” a voice came from the familiar man, it was not his father’s voice.

That was when Kaveh realised that he’d been staring too long, not only that, but tears were starting to roll down his cheeks.

“Oh! Yes! Yes, yes I'm fine, sorry..” the architect said, quickly wiping his tears. He felt deeply embarrassed on the way home.

kaveh never talked about his past. Not even tighnari knew what happened to his family.

He blamed himself everyday for what happened to his father, for his mother’s outbursts, her depression, he even blamed himself for her moving to fontaine. He truly believed that he destroyed his own family.

Because of this, the blond took up a nasty habit of cutting his thighs when he was feeling stressed, angry, guilty or anxious, which was most of the time.

Alhaitham knew about the scars, he was even the one who supported kaveh to stop.

But sometimes he could still feel that nagging, lingering voice in his head, telling him Alhaitham pitied him, that was the only reason he let kaveh move in, telling him to cut, all the time.

Kaveh was lost in thought, or perhaps his mind was blank, either way, he ended up bumping into a hard object, he’d unconsciously navigated home.

Taking a step back to unlock the door he’d bumped into, he entered the house. At this point it was dark outside, but he didnt feel like turning on a light. He just collapsed on the couch, mind whirling with thoughts.

He decided to start on dinner, it might take his mind off of things.

He entered the kitchen, finding a note on the counter that wasn't there when he left.

‘Dear kaveh, i won't be back until very late, there’s been a hold up at work. Don't bother making dinner for me, I’ll pick something up for myself.
-Alhaitham.’

Oh.

That was fine though, it’s not like kaveh needed him around all the time anyway, they had separate lives, and haitham was very busy at his job, it’s understandable.

He heard a knock at the door.

‘Alhaitham?’ he thought.

He opened the door, there was nobody there.

He looked down, finding an envelope.

He sat down on the couch to read what was inside.

He started to tear up.

‘Dear ‘light of kasharewar’ kaveh.
I no longer have need of your services, I've heard rumours about you and your habits with men, I no longer feel comfortable paying you nor speaking with you. Consider fixing yourself and turning to correctness before you expect anyone to commission you.
-client’

He ruined everything again.

Tears stained the page, shaking as his hands gripped the paper to the point of ripping it. He threw the letter on the ground, letting out a scream of frustration.

He ran to his room, tears streaming down his cheeks, sticking to his hair, running down his neck.

Ripping open the door, he began tearing up all his sketches, all his hard work was worthless, all because of him.

He was left a screaming, crying mess on the floor, his hands were gripping and tugging at his hair for dear life.

He snatched the bottle of liquor that sat on his desk, ripping the cap off to take several large gulps.

He drank and drank until the bottle emptied, he’d hoped his usual coping mechanism would make him feel better, but it didn't seem to work.

This absolutely terrified kaveh.

Then, the architect remembered.

He stood up dizzily, like he wasn't in control of his own body. He stumbled into the bathroom, reaching under the sink for something he thought he'd never touch again.

Alhaitham never knew about it, but he’d kept 2 razors after he’d thrown them all out, he just couldn't bring himself to let go of all of them.

He looked at his palm, the two slivers of metal glinted back at him, beckoning the architect forward, edging him on.

He dropped to the ground, holding one in his hand, he had easy access, why not just do it?

Rolling the left leg of his pants up, he was met with the jarring sight of his old scars. He saw them everyday, yet this time was slightly different, he felt overcome with the urge to add more.

Bringing the metal object to the flesh of his thigh, he hesitated.

‘Is this really worth it?’ The blond thought to himself, trying to remember what he’d been told to do when it got bad.

The confused face of the man from the market flashed across his mind.

‘Yes.’

Overcoming the feeling of dread he had, he finally slashed a Line into his thigh. The relief he felt at the sight of the cut filling with red almost scared him.

The dark, sticky liquid pooled in the cut, spilling over and dripping down his leg.

It was addictive, the pain relieved him and made him feel as light as a feather, or maybe that was just the blood loss.

One by one, more and more cuts littered his once healed thigh, red was all he could see, his emotions were flooding him, spilling out of his eyes, bursting at the seams.

Kaveh was left a bloodied mess on the bathroom floor, tears and blood staining his clothes as well as the tiles he sat on.

He felt so empty, all his emotions had burst out like a dam breaking, and left him with nothing. A shell of a man. A husk.

The light had long disappeared from his eyes as he lay on the cold floor, his body aching in a dull thud, staring at the blood pooling around his leg.

He started to feel extremely light-headed, he could hear someone, but it seemed so distant, he couldn't bring himself to listen, his eyes drooped heavily as his body tried to force him asleep.

“-aveh!”

“Kaveh!”

“Kaveh can you hear me!?”

“Kaveh!?”

The architect forced his eyes open, his head felt like it might split in half.

Squinting, he saw the figure of a tall man looking down at him, he tried moving to get a better look, when he was assaulted by excruciating pain from his left leg.

He let out a strangled yell at the sensation.

He opened his eyes fully, it was still dark out, but why was alhaitham standing over him?

He forced his head to move down to see why his thigh hurt, realising what he'd done.

Oh no.

The blood on his thigh still wasn't fully dry, but it had turned into a more brown colour.

The tears started to fall again, kaveh was surprised he even had any left.

“Kaveh.., what the fuck happened?” alhaitham asked, his usual expression of uncaring sternness had melted away into one of panic and worry.

“I-i’m so sorry.” kaveh sobbed out weakly

“No, no, no, don't apologise, I'm so sorry i wasn't there.” he said quickly.

Alhaitham picked his boyfriend up gently, trying his best not to hurt him further, he placed the blond on the couch, keeping his lower body elevated with a cushion to help his blood flow resume normally while he left to get the medical kit.

When he returned kaveh started speaking

“I’m so sorry haitham, i didn't mean to make you worr-”

“Please kaveh, don't speak, you’ll waste your energy.” the grey haired man said, tears threatening to spill out of his eyes.

He cleaned and dressed the architect’s thigh, wrapping it in a bandage to secure it. By then, Kaveh's colour had returned and his pulse had resumed like normal.

The scribe rested his head on his boyfriend's chest, his tears finally spilling as he sobbed into the blond’s chest.

He eventually fell asleep next to Kaveh, not wanting to leave his side for even a second.

The next morning, alhaitham woke up to a knock on the door, still on the floor beside the couch his boyfriend slept on.

Standing up, his joints ached from the uncomfortable position. He approached the door, opening it to find tighnari and cyno. It seemed that he’d sent a message to them through the akasha sometime last night in his panic. Either way, he was glad they were there.

“Holy fucking shit, what happened?!” tighnari exclaimed, looking around the house, the ripped up paper all over the floors, the chair, fallen over on the ground in kaveh’s episode, and finally, tighnari’s eyes landed on his friend, laying on the couch with bandages over his thigh.

“Oh no..”

He ran to the architect, kneeling down beside him and taking out his medical bag.

“So what exactly happened?” he asked alhaitham, while simultaneously focusing on kaveh’s wounds.

“Well-”

They heard a pained groan, kaveh had woken up. He saw everyone around him, he knew why they were here.

“I’m sorry…” he croaked, his voice still hoarse from last night when he screamed his lungs out.

He let out a choked sob.

Tighnari held him tightly, stroking his hair and rocking him back and forth.

“It’s okay, you’re okay, nobody is angry at you.” The forest ranger reassured, holding Kaveh like he was about to disappear.

Cyno kneeled down beside the couch, stroking Kaveh’s hair comfortingly.

Tighnari pulled back from the embrace.

“We need to dress your wounds properly, alhaitham did a good job but it can't heal like this.” Tighnari said, barely concealing his worry.

The architect gave a small nod.

The black haired man carefully unwrapped the bandages around his friend’s left thigh, gasping slightly at the sight.

“Kaveh… What happened last night?” He asked, shocked at what his thigh looked like, it was clear this wasn't an ordinary relapse.

“I-I.”…” he said, trying to force the lump in his throat down, “I saw someone y-yesterday..”

He explained all that happened the day before, leaving out as many details about his past as he could without making his friends suspicious.

When he finished talking, he noticed that tighnari had also finished treating his thigh.

Tears stung at his eyes, he’d made everyone worry again.

He felt gentle arms wrap around his body. looking down, he saw his boyfriend.
This shocked kaveh. Alhaitham wasn't the biggest fan of physical touch, especially in front of other people, so this was a big deal.

“Kaveh, promise me the next time this happens, you’ll talk to me before anything else. It doesn't matter if I'm busy, I'll always make time for you.” the grey haired man spoke shakily, holding his boyfriend firmly in his arms.