Work Text:
Greetings to the Esteemed Master Calvin:
It is I, Spaceman Spiff, interplanetary explorer extraordinaire, writing to you from captivity after being shot down by the vicious, cruel Zondarg.
My captors claim they will deliver this letter to you upon your daring undertaking of the dangerous ritual known as Graduation five years hence and I have been commanded to inscribe within this missive some words of wisdom for your future self. I assume this is a new technique my captives are using in hopes I will take you in my confidence and provide you the location of either my Death Ray Blaster or that of my Atomic Napalm Neutralizer, both of which I was able to hide after fleeing my downed craft before I was so cruelly and viciously captured and sent to this accursed institution.
Of course, I have easily seen through such blatantly simplistic manipulative tactics and will not be foolish enough to do any such thing. I have withstood the torture known as "Gym Class." I have suffered through the horrors of the cafeteria and survived being forced to consume the experimental substance known as tapioca while there. I have even endured being denied my time at recess due to the Zondargian weather controlling array causing terrible storms to continually batter my cell these last three days. As I did not crack under such tortures, it is not surprising these vicious brutes have decided to try another technique to try to pry my secrets from me without having to break my iron will.
The fools.
I have been secreting away the tools I need to fix my spaceship, the next time the airlock is left unattended I will attempt to slip through. My return to the stars is imminent.
Wish me luck,
Spaceman Spiff, Conqueror of the Cosmos