Work Text:
1
“We are federal agents, we can’t just kidnap someone.” Hotch sighs, a rare show of emotion from the normally stoic man. “Was this not covered in any of the classes that you aced at the Academy?”
“Yeah, but I’ve done it before and it worked great! Mostly. I have learned from my mistakes.” Agent Stiles Stilinski says.
“Stilinski no.”
“Stilinski yes.”
“No.” Hotch says firmly, a clear command that Stilinski can’t disobey.
“Ugh, fine. You take all the fun out of it.” Stilinski sighs and throws himself dramatically onto a chair.
“You kidnapped someone?” Morgan exclaims. Hotch immediately leaves the room, obviously trying to find some plausible deniability. No one says anything about the fact that he remains close enough to the door to listen in.
“Two someones. Well, one and a half? The second guy I just mostly aided and abetted.” Stilinski says as casually as if he is talking about the weather.
“Why on earth would you do such a thing?” Rossi asks.
“It was for the greater good!” Stilinski insists.
“How so?” Morgan asks.
“Well you see, the first guy we kidnapped killed a lot of people, and he would have continued killing people, but the police had no evidence, so we had no option but to kidnap him.”
“And you held him until the police found evidence?” Rossi asks.
“Eh, not exactly.” Stilinski smiles sheepishly. “We held him until we figured out that he wasn’t killing willingly, at which point we found the guy who was forcing him to.”
“And then you arrested that guy and let the kidnapped guy go, right?” Morgan asks.
“Well…” Stilinski starts and Morgan and Rossi groan. “We didn’t exactly have evidence for him either. But don’t worry, we took care of it! Sort of.”
“Was he the second guy you kidnapped?”
“Nope.”
“How did you take care of it?”
“Short version, a mysterious veterinarian helped my friend trick the guy into a series of events that resulted in him suffering from a rather severe and completely unknown illness which forced him to be put in a care home.”
“And he never killed again, smart.” Rossi says.
Stilinski awkwardly scratches the back of his neck. “Well…”
“Do we want to know what happened?” Morgan asks.
“Probably not. That is a story better left untold. But I can tell you that it was not my fault.”
“What about the other guy you kidnapped, was that your fault?”
“Aided and abetted. I did not actually participate in the kidnapping.”
“Why did you aid and abet?”
Stilinski shrugs. “That is a long and complex story. Short version, I have an idiot for a best friend and I would do anything for him. And I learned a valuable lesson. Don’t let the tears fool you.”
Stilinski then decides to end the conversation by changing the subject to forests and why one should ever enter one on a full moon.
2
“What would you do in a zombie apocalypse?” Reid turns to ask Stilinski after a long debate with Garcia that the others would not admit they found it fascinating.
“I would scream and cry and run for the hills.” Stilinski replies seriously.
“I know zombies would probably look scary, but is that really what you would do?” Reid asks.
“Not necessarily. I’m talking about the zombie part, not the run for the hills part. Not all the zombies I have met look scary.” Stilinski informs them.
“Zombies you have met?” Morgan asks in disbelief.
“Of course, they are my people after all.” Stilinski leans forward and smirks mischievously. “Have I never told you that I am one of them? I am a zombie.”
“You’re pulling my leg. You are clearly alive.” Reid says.
“I am, but can it not be argued that zombies are also alive?”
“Sure, but…”
“But what? A zombie is one who dies and comes back to life. I qualify.” Stilinski insists.
“If you are talking about your heart stopping for a few seconds or minutes and then starting, I’m pretty sure that doesn’t count.” Morgan says.
“Nope, I was dead for sixteen hours. Submerged in ice water, didn’t take a single breath.”
“How did that happen?” Reid asks. “I didn’t know there was any ice water in California.”
“There isn’t any naturally occurring ice water, this happened in a tub.”
“Why? If you don’t mind me asking.”
“It’s cool. Pun intended.” Stilinski chuckles. “Short version, my dad was kidnapped by a crazy lady who wanted to use him for a ritualistic sacrifice, and a mysterious veterinarian convinced me and my friends that the only way to find him, and the other parents who were taken, was to temporarily ritually sacrifice ourselves. In order to sacrifice ourselves, we submerged ourselves in ice water until we lost consciousness. We woke up sixteen hours later.”
“That’s…” Reid says. “That is crazy. And you survived with no serious consequences to your health?”
Stilinski grimaces. “There were definitely consequences, ones I don’t want to talk about.”
“Okay. Now back to the zombies, have you seriously met some?” Reid asks.
“Are you referring to your friends who you said sacrificed themselves with you?” Morgan asks.
“One of them, yes. He’s actually died three times now, does that make him a triple zombie?” Stilinski says.
“Three times?” Reid exclaims. “That isn’t possible!”
“You may be right, now that I think about it, he didn’t actually die the one time, he was just in a really, really deep coma.” Stilinski says.
“That’s still certainly unusual, and I’m not sure it’s possible.” Reid says.
Stilinski shrugs causally. “If someone can come back once, why not more than once? I stopped questioning what can and can’t be possible when a lizard monster paralysed me and then dropped my car on my mechanic.”
“What??”
“Well, it’s possible that the paralytic that the murderer dosed me with also included a hallucinogen. That reminds me of the time I went to a party and someone put hallucinogens in the punch. Now that was wild. Turns out the person who did that was being mind controlled, which is not cool. Seriously. Don’t do mind control.”
“As much as I want to ask you more questions about mind control, and I will, you didn’t finish explaining what you meant about not all zombies being scary.” Reid says.
“Right.” Stilinski takes a deep breath and puts on his storyteller face. “Zombies. Not all of them are dangerous or scary. Now don’t get me wrong, the ones that are dangerous, are really dangerous. I’m talking deranged serial killer dangerous. Granted, the ones I’m referring to were serial killers before they became zombies, one killed and attempted to kill a bunch of people in my hometown, another burned an entire family alive, and another terrorised multiple towns for years a couple of centuries ago. But I’m pretty sure that they were dangerous because they were dangerous, not because they became zombies. Case in point, myself, and-“ he starts counting with his fingers while mouthing names. “Five others are not dangerous because we are zombies, but we are dangerous because we are dangerous. My point is. My point is, uhh. I can’t remember what my point was. But I can tell you that none of the zombies I know actually eat brains, human or otherwise, the only person I have met who ate brains was the science teacher who had a double life as a serial killing cannibalistic Nazi. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t eat brains anymore, ever since the ghost riders made him one of them and took away his free will.”
Stilinski claps his hands together and grins. “Any questions?”
Reid hesitantly raises his hand as he tries to process everything Stilinski said.
“Well too bad, I am not answering any questions at this time, please come back later.” Stilinski smiles mysteriously and then starts talking about how you should never trust school teachers.
3
“I couldn’t get anything out of him.” Rossi tells the rest of the team after fruitlessly interrogating a person of interest in their latest case. “He’s a member of the Calaveras Cartel, and isn’t afraid of law enforcement.”
“The Calaveras?” Stilinski asks in interest. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah, why?”
A smile spreads over Stilinski’s face and a dangerous glint shines in his eyes. “Let me try, I can get him to talk.”
“No offence rookie, but what makes you think you can get him to talk when Hotch and I couldn’t?” Rossi asks.
Stilinski rubs his hands together and chuckles darkly. “I have something of a, a uh, a reputation amongst that family. I’ll make him talk, you’ll see.”
“Go for it.” Hotch says. “If nothing else, it’s a good practice for your interrogation skills.”
“Thank you.” Stilinski cracks his knuckles, and loosens the top few buttons of his shirt and rolls up his sleeves, putting his scars on display.
Everyone gathers behind the one way mirror to watch.
“Hello.” Stilinski smiles sweetly at the suspect. “Mind if I talk to you for a few minutes?”
“Whatever.” The suspect replies. “Who even are you? You look too young to be a fed.”
“I am a fed.” Stilinski leans towards the suspect and lowers his voice. “But that’s not all I am.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“The name is Stiles. Stiles Stilinski.” Stilinski grins wide as the suspect pales dramatically.
“Stiles Stilinski? The Stiles Stilinski?”
“The one and only.” Stilinski replies. “Now how about you answer some questions for me?”
“Yeah sure, anything you need man.”
Stilinski gets the answers they need without any problems, and in the course of the interview discovers that the suspect is not the unsub.
When he exits the room, the team crowds around him.
“How did you do that?”
“I told you, I have a reputation.” Stilinski smirks.
“What kind of reputation do you have that scares an enforcer of a cartel?”
“Oh, you know, highschool was pretty interesting.”
“High school?” Morgan asks. “Come on man, give us some details, don’t leave us hanging!”
“Fine.” Stilinski sighs dramatically. “Back in junior year of high school I may or may not have gone to the head of the Calavera cartel, a very scary lady by the way, and tried to buy back a guy I thought they had kidnapped with money that may or may not have been stolen from the Yakuza.”
“What.”
“How did you survive?”
Stilinski smiles sheepishly. “I’m pretty sure that car trouble saved my life, believe it or not. See, it turned out that guy I thought that Calaveras kidnapped had been kidnapped from them by a very scary zombie, one who had killed at least six Calaveras, so the Calaveras decided to basically sacrifice me and my friends to the zombie, after some torture of course. The thinking was that either we would kill the zombie, or the zombie would kill us, either way the Calaveras would win. On our way to the zombie, my jeep broke down, so I decided to stay with it while one friend and the mercenary who was leading us there went ahead, because of that, I didn’t face the zombie, that time at least.”
“Did you ever find the guy you were trying to rescue?”
“We did. He was buried in an Aztec temple, that was underneath a church, in a town that was destroyed by a tornado, in Mexico.”
4
It was silent in the BAU. Not a sound, so quiet that even a mouse could be heard.
Stilinski can’t have that.
"I wonder what the best way to remove a limb is?” Stilinski muses aloud to the room. “I almost had to take off one of Derek’s this one time, poor guy. If that happens again, I would like to be prepared. Would a saw be better, or an axe, or something else?”
He hears a pen drop onto a desk, and more than one person groans. Stilinski smirks, knowing he just created chaos. But to his dismay, no one asks any questions.
Stilinski frowns. "Doesn't anyone have any advice? And don’t you wanna know how or why?"
Morgan looks at him, "I don't think it matters if we ask questions or not. I feel you would tell us anway."
Stilinski flashes a smile. “You, my friend, are correct!”
He moves forward, pretty much leaning over his desk.
"Okay, so, it all started when I was trying to get home from school. I was just driving along, and suddenly Derek runs in front of my car! Luckily I slammed on my breaks fast enough that I didn't hit him. Then he fainted in front of my jeep. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't just leave the poor thing in the middle of the road. So, I got him into my jeep and started driving to get help. The whole time Derek was pretty much growling at me. Like, he wasn't even grateful! It turned out that Derek had been shot with a poisoned bullet, and the only way to stop the life threatening poison was to get another one of the bullets that had hit him. It wasn’t easy, but Scott managed to use his puppy eyes and stealth and retrieved one. But he really cut it close, Derek was dying, and the only option to save him other than the bullet was to cut off the infected limb. I had a saw in my hands when Scott burst in with the bullet. We got the poison out of the bullet, lit it on fire and pushed it in the wound, and that saved Derek! After that it seemed like we could never get rid of him.” The whole time Stilinski tells the story, he has a huge smile on his face.
"What the heck?" Morgan asks.
Before they can ask any questions, Stilinski looks down at his phone.
"Time for my lunch break! See ya, guys!" With that Stilinski gets out of his chair and walks out of the building, leaving the other agents in shock.
5
“You haven’t been kidnapped yet, have you?” JJ asks Stilinski as the team’s conversation turns to figuring out who has been kidnapped the most.
Hotch barely resists the urge to groan as Stilinski smiles wide enough to show his teeth. “I have actually, more than once in fact.”
“How many times?” Morgan asks.
“Well let’s see.” Stilinski puts on his thinking face. “There was that time with Peter, and then, hmm, what’s exactly the difference between being kidnapped and held hostage?”
“Being taken hostage is generally done because the hostage taker wants someone to meet their demands, and being kidnapped is usually for other reasons, like to be held for ransom.” Reid explains.
“Huh, does that mean that Peter didn’t kidnap me, he held me hostage? He let me go as soon as he got the information he wanted.” Stilinski asks. Before anyone answers, he continues speaking. “Oh well, I’ll just tell you about times I was taken hostage as well as times I’ve been kidnapped. Which was next? Does what happened with Matt count? He dosed me with a paralytic, twice. And the second time he held a gun on me, and on my friends, and my dad, and a lot of people.”
“I suppose that can count.” Morgan says.
“Great! I think the next time was when Gerard took me. I still can’t believe that old geezer managed to overpower me. Wait, does that count as once or twice? Gerard took over from Matt during the hostage situation, he held everyone in the station at gunpoint. And then-“ Stilinski frowns. “I’m not sure if that counts.”
“If what counts?” Reid asks.
“Well, I was drugged and moved to a secondary location against my will, but considering the location was a padded room and I was a patient at the local psychiatric facility, it probably doesn’t count, right?” Stilinski asks. Before anyone can answer, he continues speaking. “The thing with the thing, which I will not be talking about, also counts as a kidnapping, and the incident with Brunski definitely counts! It was a classic kidnapping, knocked out, tied up, evil villain monologue.”
“Evil villain monologue, seriously?” Morgan asks.
“Yep! And he wasn’t even the main villain of the season, just a lacky! He was a serial killer though.” Stilinski chuckles. “And then there was the incident with the Calaveras, or was that before Brunski? I think it was actually before. And it was even creepier, they kept me and Malia in a room that they used for ritual suicide, there was blood everywhere!”
“Ritual suicide?” Reid asks.
Stilinski ignores him and continues speaking. “And then there was the incident with the, the uhhh the cowboys. That was terrifying. Still gives me nightmares. And it was bizarre, what with teaming up with Peter of all people in order to escape them.”
“Peter as in the Peter who kidnapped you?”
“The one and only! I’m surprised he never killed me, I mean I was dating his daughter for a bit. But I’m more surprised that I wasn’t held back in school, with everything that happened, I missed a lot, senior year alone I missed over three months! I really didn’t like those horsemen.”
“They held you for three months? Why??” Reid asks.
“Yep.” Stilinski shrugs. “As for why, that is mostly a mystery. So how many times have you all been kidnapped? Did I break any records? Ya know, it’s possible I’ve actually been kidnapped or held hostage more times than I just said, my memory ain’t the best.”
As the conversation turns to times other members of the team have been kidnapped, Stilinski laughing and smiling more often than one would expect during such a conversation, Reid can’t help but think that the newest member of the team is a contradiction.
He appears to be very open, talking a lot, not ashamed to show his emotions, and yet he is rather reticent. He’s careful about which feelings and emotions he shows, keeping the ones that really matter close to his chest.
He’s a mystery, a puzzle, and Reid is looking forward to putting together the pieces of said puzzle.
Reid has no idea what the consequences of that task will be.
+1
Stilinski lets out a sigh when he enters the room. All the agents look at him.
"What's up?" Morgan asks.
Stilinski sits heavily on his chair and lets out a sigh. This time it is a lot sadder.
"I just miss my pups.” Stilinski tells them, longing in his voice. “I want to cuddle with them and tease them and make sure they are eating right and not getting in any trouble. They do that a lot, get in trouble, and they don’t even tell me about it some times.”
"Why don't you tell us about them?” Reid suggests. “How many do you have?”
Stilinski perks up at that and starts counting them on his fingers.
"Scott is back in my hometown, and he is so fluffy and so loyal. Derek, I don't know where he is. He could be in a forest somewhere, he’s probably angsting in a dark corner, and I’ll bet he misses me, but doesn’t want to admit it. Liam and Mason are at school, hopefully being good boys, they are the best, and the youngest, they are so cute! Lydia is being her genius self and winning prizes, and Malia has decided to go on an adventure around the world! I’m proud of her, she deserves to see the wonders of the world after spending so many years stuck in that forest. I’m proud of them all.” Stiles starts to trail off.
"What's the matter?" JJ asks.
"I'm just wondering if I should count the others as my pups as well." Stilinski thinks out loud.
Morgan’s jaw drops.
"How many do you have?" Morgan asks in shock.
Stilinski hums and starts counting on his fingers. When he gets to 8 he throws his hands up in the air with a groan. "To be honest, I have no idea. They just kept turning up but I don't mind, they are my family, they are my best friends, and I hope I’ll see them soon! When I see them, I’m gonna bake them treats, and I’m gonna spoil them, and we are gonna go for runs, and cuddle. I can’t wait!”
Stilinski spends the rest of the day looking at photos on his phone and smiling. He also tells the team a few more stories, and by the time he leaves, his bittersweet mood has spread to the whole team. Each and every one of them is looking forward to meeting his pups.
When Reid is relaxing at home after a long day, his face suddenly scrunches up in confusion.
He replays all the information he has in his brain about the pups Stilinski talks so much about, analyses it with his detective’s mind, and comes to two possible conclusions.
Either Stilinski has named his pups after his friends, or he refers to his friends as his pups.
Both are odd, and Reid spends the rest of the evening trying to figure out which is the answer.
He never considers the third possibility.