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Chapter Text

Segment 1 - Opening + We Didn't Start the Muppets

(INT. DRESSING ROOM - There’s a knock at the door, and Scooter enters)

SCOOTER: Bear? Is this all of you? Six, seven, eight…

(Cut to the inside of the room, where, left to right, we see Bear, Tutter, Sandrine, Pip and Pop, Ojo, Treelo, Lumpy, and Theresa)

BEAR: Yup, this is all of us.

TUTTER: We’re kinda a big family, y’see?

SCOOTER: (glancing at the camera) Yeah, but I need to turn my head to do it. (shrugs)

(INT. STAGE - The “The Muppet Show” slide; Kermit peeks out through the “O” of “Show”.)

KERMIT: It’s the Muppet Show, with our very special guests, the cast of Bear in the Big Blue House ! Yaaaaay!

(MUSIC CUE - The Muppets Show Theme; to avoid repetition, the lyrics are not typed out.)

(INT. STAGE - The audience is applauding after the intro as Kermit returns to the stage)

KERMIT: Thank you, thank you, and welcome to the big return of the Muppet Show! We have, for you tonight, an excellent selection of acts to kick off our new season! The first of which, a tribute to our long-running history, performed by our very own Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem!

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

(The curtains open, revealing the Electric Mayhem on the other side. Above them are a set of arches, where a set of miscellaneous Muppets (left to right: Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Beaker, the Swedish Chef, Rizzo, Wayne, Wanda, and Gonzo) are seen above.)

(MUSIC CUE - “We Didn’t Start the Muppets”, sung to the tune of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”)

DR. TEETH: Muppet Show, Muppets Tonight, 2015, what a sight, Muppet Movie, Great Caper, Taking Manhattan

FLOYD: Christmas Carol, From Space, everywhere a friendly face, Treasure Island, Most Wanted, 2011

(Animal goes crazy in the background)

JANICE: Frank Oz, Jim Henson, Dave Goelz, Jerry Nelson, Richard Hunt, Eren Ozker, Louise Gold, Steve Whitmire

DR. TEETH: Bill Barretta, Peter Linz, then there’s Eric Jacobson, Matt Vogel, Mike Quinn, Kathryn Mullen, David Rudman!

CHORUS: We didn’t start the Muppets! As long as the world’s turning, we’ll just keep on burning! We didn’t start the Muppets! Turn the music up, we’re gonna light the lights up!

(During the next lyrics, the corresponding Muppets appear in the arches as their names are sung)

DR. TEETH: Kermit, Piggy, Wayne and Wanda, Fozzie, Gonzo, Rowlf, Yolanda, Scooter, Rizzo, Beaker too, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew

FLOYD: Sweetums, Robin, Strangepork, Swedish Chef-

SWEDISH CHEF (speaking): Børk børk!

FLOYD (cont.): Beauregard, Sam Eagle, Statler and Waldorf

JANICE: Muppet Babies, Sesame, all part of our family tree, Henson Hour, Family Christmas, all filled out in our statistics

DR. TEETH: Muppet*Vision 3D, Haunted Mansion movie, Dark Crystal, Fraggle Rock, they can hear us 'cross the block!

CHORUS: We didn’t start the Muppets! As long as the world’s turning, we’ll just keep on burning! We didn’t start the Muppets! Time to put on makeup, time for fancy dress up!

(The Electric Mayhem all raise their arms in a "ta da!" fashion)

(SFX CUE - Massive applause from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf are watching the stage.)

WALDORF: Why did we get a mention? We're not even in the show!

STATLER: Maybe not, but a good deal of people come just for us!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 2 - How Much is That Doggy

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Kermit is standing by the table as the background dancers shuffle in from the right.)

KERMIT: Very good, everyone! Great opening number. (to himself) This show’s off to a great start.

MISS PIGGY (offscreen): Oh, Kermie!

(Miss Piggy enters from the left)

MISS PIGGY: Kermie, Kermie, what a wonderful night. Such clear skies outside; perfect to see stars such as moi!

KERMIT: Yes, it's a great night for our show.

MISS PIGGY: You know, on nights like this, when the moon is so bright, I feel like singing!

KERMIT: (looks at the camera) I knew she was going somewhere with that. (to Miss Piggy) Uh, we've already got a singing act going on right now.

MISS PIGGY (acting uninterested as she flips her hair): Is that so?

KERMIT: Yeah, Annie Sue wanted to do a cute little number with Rowlf. 

MISS PIGGY (uh oh, he said the "A-S" word): What.

(INT. STAGE - Rowlf is at a piano, which Annie Sue is sitting on top of, dressed up all cutesy in a lacy dress with a bow on her head)

(MUSIC CUE - "How Much is That Doggy")

ANNIE SUE: How much is that doggy in the window?

ROWLF: Woof woof. 

ANNIE SUE: The one with the waggly tail? How much is that doggy in the window?

ROWLF: Woof woof.

ANNIE SUE: I do hope that doggy's for sale

ROWLF: You know, something about this song rubs me the wrong way.

(SFX CUE - Applause)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: They never did say how much.

WALDORF: Who cares? I’d pay it if it gets us out of this show!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Cut back to Kermit and Miss Piggy)

KERMIT: See, that wasn't so bad, was it?

(Brief pause as Miss Piggy gives Kermit a "do you think this is a game" look)

MISS PIGGY: Thin ice, frog.

(Miss Piggy exits on the left as Kermit scrunches his face)

Segment 3 - Bear Cha-Cha-Cha

(INT. STAGE - Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Alright, everyone, tonight we have an ensemble visiting us all the way from Tall Pine Grove. Among their talents are baking, climbing, and of course dancing! Ladies and gentlemen, here they are, Bear and the Cha-Cha Sliders! Yaaaaay!

(Kermit slides off on the left. The curtains open to reveal Bear, Tutter, Ojo, Pip and Pop, Sandrine, Theresa, and Lumpy on the other side. They all have roses tucked behind their ears, the small puppet characters are holding maracas, and Sandrine and Theresa are wearing fluffy bear paw mittens)

(MUSIC CUE - “Bear Cha-Cha-Cha”)

TUTTER: Come on, everybody! Let’s get our cha-cha on! Haha!

BEAR: When I feel my toes start to twitch, my lips go la la la la la la

OJO: And my arms and legs start to itch, it’s time to do the Bear Cha-Cha-Cha!

PIP/POP: Cha-cha-cha

TUTTER: Ha cha cha!

PIP/POP: Cha-cha-cha

SANDRINE: Ooh la la!

BEAR: Time to cha-cha-cha

ALL: The Bear Cha-Cha-Cha!

TUTTER/THERESA: Cha-cha-cha

BEAR: Everyone!

OJO/PIP/POP: Gotta cha-cha-cha

SANDRINE/LUMPY: Ooh la la!

TUTTER/OJO/PIP/POP/LUMPY: Time to cha-cha-cha

ALL: The Bear Cha-Cha-Cha!

PIP/POP: Cha cha cha!

THERESA: You may notice some people stop to stare

TUTTER: Why?

OJO: What?

PIP/POP: When?

SANDRINE: Where?

LUMPY: Who?

BEAR: You can explain to them you’re an honourary bear (spoken) Everybody now!

ALL: Cha-cha-cha

BEAR: Ha-cha-cha!

ALL: Gonna cha-cha-cha

(Treelo drops in from above)

TREELO: Ooh la la!

ALL: Time to cha-cha-cha

TREELO: Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha!

ALL: The Bear Cha-Cha-Cha! The Bear Cha-Cha-Cha!

TUTTER: Cha-cha-cha!

(SFX CUE - Applause)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: Maybe we should learn to cha-cha-cha.

WALDORF: Yes, then we can slide on outta here!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 4 - Backstage 

(INT. BACKSTAGE - As Bear and his crew enter from the right, Kermit is shooing Lew Zealand on stage)

KERMIT: Alright, go, go! Show ‘em what you’re made of!

(In the background, Miss Piggy and Annie Sue are fighting)

MISS PIGGY: You want a piece of me, little girl?!

ANNIE SUE: Don’t blame me, blame the ravages of time taking their toll on you!

KERMIT: (looking up at them) Alright, can you two quit fighting? We don’t want the audience hearing you. 

TUTTER: (running by) Yipe! Runaway prop cheese! Catch it! Catch it!

(Tutter runs and exits on the left, followed quickly by Ojo, Treelo, and Lumpy, all shouting as well)

KERMIT: Sheesh. 

GONZO (offscreen): Kermit!

(Gonzo runs in from the center-right)

GONZO: The prop room is a mess! Everything Is either missing, or knocked over, or isn’t in the right place, or-

KERMIT: Yes, yes, Gonzo, I know, I’ve got some people working on it. It’s been a while since we had props in there, so it’s kind of disorganized at the moment.

SCOOTER (offscreen): Why is there a live chicken in this prop dresser?!

GONZO: (gasp!) Oh no! I’m coming, my sweet! 

(Gonzo runs off towards the prop room. Kermit moves towards the stairs and sits down)

KERMIT: Forget the prop room; the whole show is a mess.

(Theresa comes down the stairs from the dressing room. She is back in her normal clothes)

THERESA: Hi, Kermit. How’s everything going?

KERMIT: At the moment, badly. We’ve just had one mishap after another tonight.

THERESA: Really? (she sits down with him)

KERMIT: Uh huh. Props messed up, no one knows when they’re on. And I just know something’s going to go wrong in the next sketch too.

THERESA: What makes you say that?

KERMIT: It’s Muppet Labs. Those bits always end with an injury.

(Beauregard passes by, pushing on the table for Muppet Labs)

THERESA: Oh, Kermit, I know this is a very stressful time for you. Let’s just watch the act and see how it goes.

(The two of them come to the table to watch Muppet Labs from the wings)

Segment 5 - Muppet Labs: Leaf Glue

(INT. MUPPET LABS - Zoom out from the clock to show the entire set. Bunsen and Beaker stand together, with a potted tree to the right)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today.

BEAKER: Meep!

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Now, the autumn season is upon us, and that means the leaves will start to fall. But of course, this creates the problem of leaf piles covering your lawn. Well, that is no longer an issue thanks to Muppet Labs’ brand new leaf glue!

BEAKER (amused): Me-me.

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Yes, I know, that rhymed. (he brings up the bottle) Now, let us demonstrate the power of the leaf glue.

(Beaker puts some glue on a leaf from the tree and sticks it onto the branch)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Perfect! Leaf glue will keep your grass clear until you can find a rake. It is harmless to wood, and lasts until the winter.

(Beaker turns around, revealing he has a few leaves stuck to the back of his head)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Of course, with a little gentle persuasion, you can take them off at any time. Turn around, Beaker, let me see it.

(Bunsen tries to ease the leaves off Beaker, making him squeak)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: I know, I know, but they have to come off.

(Bunsen gets a good grip on one of the leaves, and pulls it so hard, Beaker’s nose comes out through the other side)

BEAKER: AH! (frantic meeping)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: (turns towards the audience) For this reason, we highly discourage you from getting leaf glue on your skin.

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

WALDORF: How did they do that?

STATLER: No one nose for sure!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Kermit and Theresa watch as Bunsen and Beaker enter from the right)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: It’s okay, Beakie, I still have that bottle of nose glue kicking around somewhere.

(Kermit and Theresa look at each other)

THERESA: I stand corrected.

Segment 6 - Violence in Modern Television

(INT. STAGE - Sam’s podium)

SAM: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Today, I wish to speak to you about the amount of violence seen in modern-day television. Things such as punching, kicking, and using…magic, of some sort, have become almost standard to see on the small screen, and personally, I will not stand for it.

(Behind him, Annie Sue runs by screaming, being chased by Miss Piggy. Sam looks behind him, but since they are gone by that point, he continues as if nothing had happened)

SAM: For you see, children are extremely impressionable, and it is incredibly easy to imitate such acts as karate chops, kicks to the face, and general mayhem.

(Behind him, Rizzo enters, and shrieks as he is tackled by Animal)

ANIMAL: ANIMAL GET RAT!!

(Beauregard, Scooter, and Gonzo all enter and try to pull the two apart)

SAM: Will you stop that? I am in the middle of an editorial!

SCOOTER: Yeah, and we’re trying to stop it from turning into a free-for-all!

(Rizzo, Animal, Beauregard, Scooter, and Gonzo all flail around as Sam hides his face in his wing and shakes his head. Eventually, Beauregard is handed a frying pan to knock Animal out with, and Scooter and Gonzo carry him offstage while Rizzo escapes)

BEAUREGARD: Hey, thanks for the pan, chef!

(The Swedish Chef enters to stand beside Beauregard, who hands him the pan back)

SWEDISH CHEF: Ishva noze proobelem!

SAM: The next generation will be fighting before they’re talking at this rate.

(The Swedish Chef knocks Sam out with the frying pan)

Segment 7 - You Will Be Found

(INT. BACKSTAGE - The casualties from the previous act are brought in from offstage)

KERMIT: Alright, that’s enough, everyone. Call it off. Close the curtains. We’re done.

(The other Muppets react with confusion, and chatter amongst themselves.)

MISS PIGGY: But Kermie, we still have a closing number to do!

KERMIT: Forget it. We’re closing the show.

(The cast gasps!)

KERMIT: I knew this would never work. Some acts are just impossible to follow.

SCOOTER: But Kermit, the show hasn’t been that bad! I mean, the theatre’s still standing, isn’t it?

(A piece of the ceiling falls near them)

SCOOTER: Relatively speaking.

KERMIT: Listen, Scooter…the original Muppet Show just wasn’t meant to be succeeded. Every time we try to do a new show, it just never works out. We might as well pack up and go.

GONZO: Wait! We still have to do a closing number!

KERMIT: What’s the use? We’ve wasted enough of those people’s time.

(MUSIC CUE - “You Will Be Found”, originally from Dear Evan Hansen)

KERMIT: We promised them a fun night of entertainment, and we gave them a corny, violent mess. What a joke. … Have you ever felt like nobody was there? Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere?

(The other cast members look at each other)

KERMIT: Have you ever felt like you could disappear? Like you could fall, and no one would hear

(Miss Piggy, Fozzie, and Theresa urge Bear forward. Bear kneels down next to Kermit)

BEAR: Well, let that lonely feeling wash away. Maybe there’s a reason to believe you’ll be okay. Cause when you don’t feel strong enough to stand, you can reach…

(He offers Kermit a paw)

BEAR: Reach out your hand

MISS PIGGY/FOZZIE/THERESA: And oh

FOZZIE: Someone will come running, and I know they’ll take you home

(Other Muppets begin to step forward as well)

LUMPY: Even when the dark comes crashing through, when you need a friend to carry you

GONZO: And when you’re broken on the ground…you will be found

BEAUREGARD: So let the sun come streaming in, cause you’ll reach up and you’ll rise again

BEAR: Lift your head and look around, you will be found

BEAR/MISS PIGGY/FOZZIE/THERESA: You will be found

BEAR/MISS PIGGY/FOZZIE/THERESA/LUMPY/GONZO/BEAUREGARD: You will be found

ALL EXCEPT KERMIT: You will be found

BEAR: You will be found

(Robin, who has quietly been watching from the background for the whole show, steps forward)

ROBIN: They’re right, Uncle Kermit. Things go wrong for us all the time, but we still come back and try again, no matter what happens. One bad show isn’t going to change that, is it?

ROWLF: Yeah! We’ve been through so much together! We’ve stopped criminals, saved people, all sorts of things! If we can’t get this show on the road, we just aren’t the Muppets! (singing) There’s a place where we don’t have to feel unknown!

ROBIN: And every time that you call us out, you’re a little less alone

FOZZIE (bringing Kermit to stand again): If you only say the word

ROWLF/ROBIN/FOZZIE: From across the silence, your voice is heard!

FOZZIE: Come on, everyone! Costumes on, props ready! Let’s give this show a proper ending!

(The Muppets all cheer and run around getting into costume.)

MISS PIGGY: Oh, all these dresses are so nice! I can't pick!

ANNIE SUE: Go with the red one! It's so your colour!

(Scooter is going through the props)

SCOOTER: Rings! Hoops! Ladles! Everything is here and accounted for!

(The camera pulls away, watching the chaos unfold around Kermit. Near the end of the music break, Scooter corralls everyone towards the stage)

SCOOTER: Come on! Curtains open!

(The curtains open with a flash of light, revealing the entire cast on stage, dressed up and doing a dance number)

ALL: Even when the dark comes crashing through, when you need a friend to carry you, and when you’re broken on the ground, you will be found! So let the sun come streaming in, cause you’ll reach up and you’ll rise again! If you only look around, you will be found!

HARMONY SINGERS: You will be found

ALL: You will be found! Out of the shadows, the morning is breaking, and all is new, all is new! It’s filling up the empty, and suddenly I see that all is new, all is new!

(Close up on Gonzo)

GONZO: You are not alone

(Gonzo is joined by Fozzie and Scooter)

GONZO/FOZZIE/SCOOTER: You are not alone

(Bunsen and Beaker, with his nose repaired, join in)

GONZO/FOZZIE/SCOOTER/DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW/BEAKER: You are not alone (mee me-me me-me)

(Bear and Tutter join in)

GONZO/FOZZIE/SCOOTER/DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW/BEAKER/BEAR/TUTTER: You are not alone

(We see a close tracking shot of Kermit walking out through the crowd of Muppets, who all harmonize a chorus of “You are not alone”)

ALL: You are not, you are not alone!

(Miss Piggy takes hands with Kermit)

MISS PIGGY: Even when the dark comes crashing through, when you need someone to carry you, and when you’re broken on the ground…

ALL EXCEPT KERMIT: YOU WILL BE FOUND!

ALL: So let the sun come streaming in, cause you’ll reach up and you’ll rise again! If you only look around, you will be found!

(Everyone begins to sing a chorus of “You will be found”. The audience, and even Statler and Waldorf are singing along. As the song comes to its final bars, the Muppets all form a semi-circle around Kermit, and…)

KERMIT: You will be found

(The audience goes wild! The Muppets, while out of breath, are all overjoyed with the performance they just put on, and bow, wave, and blow kisses to the audience)

KERMIT: Wow, what a show, everybody! I want to say thank you to you all for coming, and to the crew for keeping their heads up high and wanting to keep going, even when things went wrong.

VARIOUS MUPPETS: Aww…

GONZO: Oh, you don’t need to thank us!

MISS PIGGY: Kissy kissy! (kisses Kermit)

KERMIT: And I want to thank Bear and his friends for coming out and performing with us tonight!

TUTTER: Ta da!

BEAR: Thanks for having us!

KERMIT: And we’ll see you all next time on the newly revived Muppet Show! Yaaaay!

(The credits roll)

STATLER: You know the one thing I haven’t found?

WALDORF: What’s that?

STATLER: A reason to keep coming here!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Chapter Text

Segment 1 - Opening + Whatnot Can-Can

(INT. DRESSING ROOM - A knock at the door. Scooter enters)

SCOOTER: Sophie Small? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Small.

(Cut to the full interior. Sophie is sitting at a table, leafing through a magazine)

SOPHIE: Way ahead of you!

(Scooter comes over to look at the magazine)

SCOOTER: Hipster Magazine, huh? Might have to pick myself up one of those.

SOPHIE: They have a whole spread about foreign films getting new dubs! 

(Sophie opens up the spread, and she and Scooter look at it with intrigue)

(INT. STAGE - The "The Muppet Show" slide. Kermit, wearing a pair of hipster glasses, peeks out through the "O" in "Show")

KERMIT: It’s the Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Sophie Small! Yaaaaay!

(MUSIC CUE - The Muppets Show Theme)

(SFX CUE - Applause)

(Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Alright, thank you, thank you, and welcome to another installment of the Muppet Show! Now tonight, we’re going to have a night of both exhilarating highs, and more calming lows, and that’s because our guest star is the talented young singer and ukulele player, Miss Sophie Small! But first, we have a more exciting act to share with you, and that’s a performance of the Can-Can, by our very own chorus!

(Kermit slides off stage as the curtains open. On the stage is a lineup of Whatnots)

(MUSIC CUE - “The Can-Can”)

(The Whatnots start to dance and sing along to the music)

WHATNOTS: Kick the leg and click the heel, kick the leg and click the heel! (other scat-singing along to the music)

(The Whatnots kick their legs high in the air at the chorus of the song. One of them loses a shoe, which flies into the balcony)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: Hey; you can’t-can’t dance the Can-Can without your shoe!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Waldorf throws the shoe back at the stage. It hits the closest Whatnot to the right, knocking them all down like dominoes. The curtain closes)

Segment 2 - Gonzo and the Hoop

(INT. BACKSTAGE - The Whatnots all stumble backstage from the right)

KERMIT: Well, that could have gone better.

(Gonzo enters from the left)

GONZO: Oh, Kermit, I'm so glad the prop room has been organized! It’s much easier to find the lighters now!

(Gonzo goes past Kermit and exits on the right to go on stage)

KERMIT: Alright, you have fun out there. (pauses, then looks at the camera) What does he need a lighter for?

(INT. STAGE - The curtains open. Gonzo has a hoop with a ramp, and is holding a lighter)

GONZO: Ladies, gentleman, and whatevers of all ages, I am here to present a classic stunt that has remained popular through the ages; jumping through a hoop of fire!

(He uses the lighter to set the hoop ablaze)

GONZO: Now, all I need is the skateboard, and I’ll be ready to go!

(Gonzo runs offstage for a moment, then returns on a skateboard, which he rides up the ramp and through the hoop)

GONZO: There! The ideal stunt, performed with no damage to myself or the set!

(As soon as he says in, a bucket of water is dumped down onto the stage, extinguishing the hoop and soaking Gonzo)

GONZO: Ack! Yipe! What?! (looks up) What was that for, Beau?

BEAUREGARD (offscreen): Are you kidding? You’re going to burn the whole theatre down!

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

WALDORF: Mm…I’m not sure if I should joke about Gonzo being a burnout, or a wet blanket.

STATLER: Hey, we’re old men. You can’t expect the perfect joke to come right away.

Segment 3 - Count on Me

(INT. STAGE - Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT (awkward): Well; wasn’t that a thrill ride. Uh, next we have something more relaxing, put on by our special guest star. Around here at the Muppet Theatre, we believe that we are strongest when we work together as a team, which is exactly what this next act is all about. Presenting, Miss Sophie Small! Yaaaay!

(Kermit slides off camera while flailing his arms. The curtains open to reveal Sophie, Rowlf, and Animal on the other side with their respective instruments; Sophie has her ukulele, Rowlf has his piano, and Animal has his drums)

(MUSIC CUE - “Count On Me”, originally performed by Bruno Mars)

SOPHIE: If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea, I’ll sail the world to find you

ROWLF: If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can’t see, I’ll be the light to guide you

ANIMAL: Yeah, yeah!

SOPHIE: Find out what we’re made of

SOPHIE/ROWLF: When we are called to help our friends in need

SOPHIE: You can count on me like one, two, three, I’ll be there

ROWLF: And I know when I need it, I can count on you, like four, three, two, and you’ll be there

ANIMAL: Cause that what friend is supposed to do, yeah yeah

(All three vocalize along with the music)

ROWLF: If you’re tossin’ and you’re turnin’ and you just can’t fall asleep, I’ll sing a song beside you

SOPHIE: And if you ever forget how much you really mean to me, every day I will remind you

ANIMAL: Aww…

SOPHIE: Find out what we’re made of

SOPHIE/ROWLF: When we are called to help our friends in need

SOPHIE: You can count on me like one, two, three, I’ll be there

ROWLF: And I know when I need it, I can count on you, like four, three, two, and you’ll be there

ANIMAL: Cause that what friend is supposed to do, yeah yeah

(All three vocalize)

SOPHIE:  You'll always have my shoulder when you cry

ROWLF: I'll never let go, never say goodbye

SOPHIE: You know you can count on me like one, two, three, I’ll be there

ROWLF: And I know when I need it, I can count on you, like four, three, two, and you’ll be there

ANIMAL: Cause that what friend is supposed to do, yeah yeah

(All three vocalize)

SOPHIE: You can count on me cause I can count on you

(SFX CUE - Applause)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

WALDORF: Tell me, Statler, can I count on you?

STATLER: Beats counting on your fingers.

WALDORF: Good, good.

Segment 4 - Backstage

(INT. BACKSTAGE - A small crowd of Muppets are hanging around)

KERMIT (into the intercom): Alright, next act is on. (turns around) Rowlf, I didn’t know you liked singing Bruno Mars.

ROWLF: Hey, man, if it’s got a good melody, I’ll sing anything!

(Cut over to the stairs, where a strange figure in sunglasses and a trenchcoat enters. Scooter looks at them, confused)

SCOOTER (to Kermit): Hey, uh, chief, Sophie mentioned that some backup from her school was coming in to help with the closing number, right?

KERMIT: Yeah, why?

SCOOTER: Well, I think they just showed up.

(Scooter brings the strange figure over to the table where Kermit and Sophie are standing. Sophie stifles laughter at the sight of the figure)

KERMIT: Why are they wearing a disguise?

MUFFLED VOICE (from inside the trenchcoat): Why not? We thought it would be funny.

(Fozzie passes by)

FOZZIE: Hey Kermit, hey Scooter. Hey, who's this new guy in the trenchcoat?

(Kermit scrunches his face as Fozzie exits)

MUFFLED VOICE (from inside the trenchcoat): Wow, I didn't expect that to actually work.

(The trenchcoat opens, revealing Sussie, Teri, and Darwin inside)

SUSSIE: Ta da!

KERMIT: (looks at the camera) Hilarious.

(The Swedish Chef tries to squeeze by the crowd to get to the stage for his act)

KERMIT: Oh, Chef, Chef, can I talk to you for a minute?

SWEDISH CHEF: Ye?

KERMIT: (clears throat) It has come to my attention that a lot of your sketches tend to end with injuries.

(The Swedish Chef shrugs, as if to say “you’re not wrong”)

KERMIT: So I went out and found a second chef to help you. Y’know, so you can have backup in case the food tries to attack you.

SCOOTER: Yeah, the French Chef is waiting for you on stage.

SWEDISH CHEF: (nods) Okie dokie.

(The Swedish Chef exits on the right)

Segment 5 - Swedish Chef Meets His Match

(INT. KITCHEN - The Swedish Chef and the French Chef are on stage together, each holding a spatula. On the table in front of them is a loaf of bread and various toppings)

(MUSIC CUE - The Swedish Chef’s Theme)

SWEDISH CHEF: Yearn dish beern derin de dish ke doo, ye bish di oon dish be oon, bork bork bork!

(The French Chef hums along underneath the Swedish Chef. The Swedish Chef throws the spatula behind his head, confusing the French Chef)

FRENCH CHEF (whisper-shouting): Quoi tu fait ca pour?!

SWEDISH CHEF (ignoring the French Chef): Ish vin de hoor de sandy-witchy. (he takes a few pieces of bread)

FRENCH CHEF: Pour cuisiner un sand-a-wich, tu besoin un kuh-ni-fey. (holds up a knife) Et maintenant, je prende l’arachide beurre…

(The French Chef attempts to pick up the peanut butter, but the Swedish Chef gets it first and dumps a glob of it on his bread with a spoon)

FRENCH CHEF: C’est- c’est ne pas comment tu cuire un sand-a-wich.

SWEDISH CHEF: Ish va de toopings, ee nouw, de sandy-witchy smooshy!

(The Swedish Chef pulls out a hammer. The French Chef attempts to stop him, but he smashes the sandwich, causing both of them to get various sandwich spreads all over themselves. The French Chef wipes peanut butter from her face and glares angrily at the Swedish Chef, who just laughs at the whole thing.)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: Something just doesn’t add up here.

WALDORF: How so?

STATLER: They have twice the amount of chefs, but accomplished half the amount of cooking!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(INT. BACKSTAGE - The Swedish Chef enters from the right, followed by the French Chef, who gives Kermit a death glare)

FRENCH CHEF: Frogge.

(The French Chef storms off to the dressing rooms)

KERMIT (anxious): Who knew one word could bring such a powerful message? (he runs on stage)

Segment 6 - Miss Piggy vs. the Chickens

(INT. STAGE - Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Alright, everybody, now we have a starling known for dazzling the hearts of men, women, and whatevers alike. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Piggy.

(Kermits ducks offscreen to the left as the curtains open, revealing Miss Piggy on the other side, dressed in a gold crown and a sparkly white ball gown decorated with snowflakes; think Cinderella meets Elsa)

(MUSIC CUE - “Think of Me”, originally from The Phantom of the Opera )

MISS PIGGY: Think of me, think of me fondly, when we’ve said goodbye

(A chicken appears next to her)

CHICKEN: Cluck!

(Miss Piggy reacts with confusion and shoos the chicken away)

MISS PIGGY: Remember me, once in a while, please promise me you’ll try

(Two more chickens pop up)

CHICKENS: Cluck, cluck!

(Miss Piggy attempts to ignore the chickens invading her number)

MISS PIGGY: Then you’ll find that once again, you long to take your heart back and be free…if you’ll ever find a moment, spare a thought for me

(The chickens start to sing along to the music. Kermit enters from the right, trying to round up all the chickens and get rid of them)

KERMIT (attempting to be discreet): Come on, get outta here, we’re in the middle of a number!

MISS PIGGY: We never said our love was evergreen, or unchanging as the sea. But if you can still remember, stop and think of…ME!!!

(Miss Piggy’s final note is in such a high-pitched falsetto, it blows the crown right off her head. Kermit, who had chased the chickens away, looks up just as the crown falls onto his head. Miss Piggy looks over at Kermit)

MISS PIGGY: Oh, isn’t that charming; a frog prince! Kissy kissy, Kermie!

(Miss Piggy pulls Kermit in and gives him a big kiss, which Kermit acts all awkward about)

(LIGHTING CUE - Blackout)

Segment 7 - Always There

(LIGHTING CUE - Lights back on)

(INT. STAGE - The curtains are drawn)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Elmore Junior High Music Group.

(The curtains open, revealing the kids on the other side. From left to right, we have Sussie with a harp, Sophie with her ukulele, Darwin with a keyboard, and Teri with a drum)

(MUSIC CUE - “Always There”)

(The kids all start to play their instruments)

SOPHIE: Don’t you ever worry if you stumble or fall, don’t you ever feel like you’re nothing at all

SUSSIE/DARWIN/TERI: Wa-oo

SOPHIE: Cause don’t you see, you’re precious to me, and for you I’ll always be there

MX. SMALL (offscreen): That’s my little girl up there!

SOPHIE: (laughs) Love you, Moonie Sybil! (waves to them)

DARWIN (continuing the song): If you ever feel like you’re locked out of the band, if you ever feel like you need a helping hand

SUSSIE/SOPHIE/TERI: Wa-oo

DARWIN: We’ll be best friends, till the very end, and for you, I’ll always be there

TERI: Cause you’ve always been such a pal to me, you’re the sweetest little thing I know

SUSSIE/SOPHIE/DARWIN: Shoo-wop, shoo-wop

TERI: And I hope you know just how much I love you from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes

SUSSIE: La la la la la

SOPHIE: Anytime you need some help to open a jar

DARWIN: To lift up your spirits, whether near or far

TERI: You can count on me, like one two three, and for you, I’ll always be there

ALL: For you, I’ll always be there

SOPHIE/DARWIN/TERI: For you…

SUSSIE: For you see, each of us is special. Each and every one of us. And sometimes we need a little help to remember.

ALL: For you, I’ll always…be there!

(SFX CUE - Applause)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: Bravo! Now, why can’t they do more acts like that?

WALDORF: I don’t know, Statler; do we really want to watch a show run entirely by middle schoolers?

STATLER: (shrugs) Touche.

(INT. STAGE - The curtains are drawn. Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Well, that’s all the time we have here tonight, but before we finish, I’d like to say one last big thank you to our guest star, Miss Sophie Small!

(Sophie enters the stage, accompanied by Darwin, Sussie, and Teri)

SOPHIE: Thank you for having us, Kermit! Come on, everyone, squishy hugs!

(The four kids all gang up on Kermit and squeeze him in a big hug)

KERMIT: Ack- oh boy- alright, that’s very nice, but I can’t breathe! (he breaks out of the kids’ grip) Sheesh. (turns to the audience) We’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show !

(The credits roll as the Muppets mob the kids.)

STATLER: We haven’t said it yet, so I’ll say it now.

WALDORF: Huh?

STATLER: That’s a big voice from a Small girl!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Chapter Text

Segment 1 - Opening + Talk Spot with Sam

(INT. DRESSING ROOM - A knock at the door. Scooter enters)

SCOOTER: Northern Sisters? Stefanie, Sierra, and Sabrina?

(Cut to the full dressing room. The Sisters are sitting in a row)

SIERRA: Check, check, and check.

STEFANIE: And check out our new modern looks!

(Indeed, the Sisters are all wearing contemporary clothing from their respective native countries, in lieu of their 50s Colombian dress. Stefanie is wearing a teal ruffle top and black yoga pants, Sierra is wearing a pink dress with magenta leggings, and Sabrina is wearing overalls with a green shirt.)

SCOOTER: Yeah; and here I am in the same old outfit. 

SABRINA: Well hey; if it ain't broke, don't fix it!

(The four laugh)

(INT. STAGE - The "The Muppet Show" slide. Kermit peeks out through the "O" in "Show")

KERMIT: It’s the Muppet Show, with our very special guest stars, Sabrina, Sierra, and Stefanie Madrigal! Yaaaaay!

(MUSIC CUE - The Muppets Show Theme)

(SFX CUE - Applause)

(Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Alright, good evening, everyone, and welcome back to the Muppet Show! Now tonight, we’re going to have a triple treat of talent, and that’s because our guest stars are three lovely young ladies, Stefanie from Canada, Sabrina from the States, and Sierra from Mexico. Together, they are the Northern Sisters!

(SFX CUE- Applause)

KERMIT: Yes, but first we have a little something we call a Talk Spot, where we sit back and have a humourous interview about something topical. And tonight, our guest for the Talk Spot is our very own Sam Eagle. 

(The curtains open, revealing Sam behind them in a seat. Kermit takes the empty seat next to him)

KERMIT: Hi-ho, Sam.

SAM: Good evening, Kermit. I'm glad you have scheduled this time with me to discuss how culture is represented on this show.

KERMIT: Oh, yes, of course. Here on the Muppet Show, we believe in equal opportunity for everyone, because there is a tiny drop of stardom inside everyone. 

STATLER (from offscreen): Then why doesn't it ever show in their acts?

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

SAM (ignoring this): Yes, and so tonight, you've invited three women from three different countries to perform for this audience. 

KERMIT: Uh huh. You know, I've never been to Arkansas or Acapulco before. Maybe I might visit there and see where these girls' roots are from.

SAM: And you see, Kermit, culture can also refer to the sophisticated arts that often go underappreciated by the mass public. 

(Kermit looks at the camera and scrunches his face)

KERMIT: I know where this is going.

SAM: That is why I went ahead and hired the next act of the show for you, so that the good citizens of tonight's audience can get a taste of what theatre can truly accomplish. 

KERMIT: It’s Wayne and Wanda, isn’t it?

SAM: Yes.

KERMIT: Of course. (He gets off the seat) Well, Sam, thank you for your time.

(The curtains close)

KERMIT (cont.): And now, ladies and gentlemen, (sighs) the singing duo of Wayne and Wanda. 

(SFX CUE - Reluctant applause)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

WALDORF: Let’s see how they screw it up this time.

Segment 2 - Wayne and Wanda: Father and Son

(INT. STAGE - The curtains open, revealing Wayne and Wanda on the other side in a park backdrop. Wayne is holding Nicholas, a little redheaded boy who is clearly not their son)

(MUSIC CUE - "Father and Son")

(Nicholas looks around awkwardly as Wayne starts to sing while Wanda plays the fiddle)

WAYNE: My sweet little boy, you're my whole world, whatever I may do, you'll do the same for me

NICHOLAS (extremely uncomfortable with the situation): (shakes his head) Mm-mm.

(Wayne scowls for a moment, but continues)

WAYNE: When I look around, all in my heart is you, from the butterflies right up to the trees

(As if he'd just said the magic word, a tree from the backdrop falls on Wayne's head. Nicholas escapes his grasp unharmed)

WANDA: Oh my!

(A tree falls on her as well)

(SFX CUE - Uproarious laughter from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

WALDORF: You know, I really don’t think that boy was their son.

STATLER: Good; the less of them running around, the better!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Wayne, Wanda, and Nicholas enter from the right. Kermit and Sam are standing by the table.)

SAM: Typical. Every time a bit of class shows up, this show crushes it as soon as it can.

KERMIT: Oh, come off it, Sam. That song was cheesy enough to clog my arteries. (turns around) And for heaven’s sakes, Wayne-

(Close up on Wayne holding Nicholas)

KERMIT (cont. from offscreen): -will you give that poor kid back to his parents?

(The Swedish Chef enters from the left, holding a frying pan)

SWEDISH CHEF: Esh va vedee gor mi sön! (other incoherent angry gibberish)

NICHOLAS (underneath SWEDISH CHEF): Papa!

(The Swedish Chef hits Wayne in the head with the frying pan, then takes Nicholas back)

SWEDISH CHEF (haughty): Hm.

(The Swedish Chef and Nicholas exit on the left. Cut back to Kermit, who scrunches his face.)

KERMIT (bluntly): Scooter, could you please get the Sisters on stage for their number.

SCOOTER: On it. 

(Scooter turns and exits on the left)

KERMIT: Thank you. (into the intercom) Alright, guys, I can't believe I have to specify this, but you need to get permission before you borrow someone else's children for your act! (looks at the camera) Sheesh.

Segment 2.5 - Father and Son Reprise

(INT. BACKSTAGE, UPSTAIRS - At the top of the staircase, the Swedish Chef and Nicholas watch the Sisters go on stage. The Swedish Chef turns to his son)

(MUSIC CUE - "Father and Son", reorchestrated to match The Swedish Chef's Theme)

SWEDISH CHEF: Mi sveety lilla sön, vu ish hoolee de vurld, ya dinké dimme du, hoon desh vu de vee

(Nicholas giggles)

SWEDISH CHEF: Hoon de looky ründ, ool een mi härté yoo, ishva booterflitty ee nouw too de trëës!

(Nicholas coos happily as the Swedish Chef chuckles, and father and son share a hug)

Segment 3 - Shine Like the Sun

(INT. STAGE - Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Alright, this was not my ideal way to start a show, but now, we finally have our guest stars ready to perform a Broadway number that’s guaranteed to shine as bright as the sun. Ladies and gentlemen, the Northern Sisters! Yaaaaay!

(The curtains open to reveal the Sisters on the other side. They have Crazy Harry tied to a chair in the middle of the stage.)

(MUSIC CUE - “Shine Like the Sun”, originally from 9 to 5: The Musical )

STEFANIE: They say we always get what we deserve, whether good, bad, or indifferent

SABRINA: That’s what I’ve always heard.

STEFANIE (circling around Crazy Harry): No good deed goes unpunished, but the bad deeds you have done stretch out, I’m sure, that they would reach from here to kingdom come. 

SIERRA: We think it’s time you get what you deserve

STEFANIE: You’ve got no true compassion, but you’ve really got some nerve! And you’ve hurt every one of us, in different kinds of ways. What goes around comes around, and each dog has its day…

(The music swells as the three sisters circle around Crazy Harry, who bobs along to the music, seemingly forgetting that he's supposed to be the antagonist of the song. Due to its mature nature, Doralee’s verse of the song has been cut, so we are moving straight into Judy’s verse. Sierra steps forward)

SIERRA: I’ve had enough hurt in my life, and you’ve been adding to it. But I’m in control now, and just like before, I’ll get through it!

(She gets real close to Crazy Harry)

SIERRA (cont.): You’ve hurt and embarrassed me, proven you don’t give a damn! I’m tired of men like you who make me feel less than I am!

(She takes centre stage and waves her hands over her head in a rainbow form)

SIERRA (cont.): I’m gonna shine like the sun, when these clouds roll away from my door!

STEFANIE/SABRINA: Shine like the sun, shi-i-ine

SIERRA: When it’s all said and done, I won’t be at your mercy no more!

STEFANIE/SABRINA: Shine like the sun, we’re gonna shine like the sun!

SIERRA: I am taking what’s mine, I’ll be fine! I am second to none!

STEFANIE/SABRINA: Second to none

SIERRA: And when the losing’s all done, I’m gonna shine like the sun

SABRINA: Shine

STEFANIE/SIERRA: Shine like the sun!

SABRINA: I’ve been down on my luck, I’ve been shadowed with trouble and sorrow

STEFANIE/SIERRA: Whoo-oo

SABRINA: But I’m not givin’ up, cause I know there is always tomorrow! There are no guarantees, life is always a hit or a miss

STEFANIE/SIERRA: Whoo-oo

SABRINA: But I truly believe I won’t always be feelin’ like this! (she gestures for the audience to dance along) I’m gonna shine like the sun, when these clouds roll away from my door!

STEFANIE/SIERRA: Shi-i-ine

SIERRA: I won't crawl, I can run, I won’t be at your mercy no more!

STEFANIE/SABRINA: Shi-ii-ine

STEFANIE: We’ll be singin’ it loud, be so proud that we finally won!

SIERRA/SABRINA: Finally won! And when the losing’s all done

ALL SISTERS: We’re gonna shine!

SIERRA: Shine

STEFANIE: Shine

SABRINA: Shine like the sun

SIERRA: Shine

ALL SISTERS: Shine like the sun

(The song raises its key slightly)

ALL SISTERS (cont.): When the crying’s all done, when the lying’s all done, when the trying’s all done, there’ll be nothing but sun! When it’s all said and done, we’re gonna shine!

SABRINA: Shine!

STEFANIE: Shine!

SIERRA: Shine like the su-u-un!

ALL SISTERS: Shiii-iiine!

CRAZY HARRY: Wow, you girls are dynamite!

ALL SISTERS: Like the sun!

(As soon as the music draws to a close, Crazy Harry pushes a level that has appeared next to him, making the sun prop in the background explode.)

(SFX CUE - An explosion, followed by applause.)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: You know, for once I’m grateful to be in this theatre.

WALDORF: Why?

STATLER: If I were anywhere else, I’d be a lot more worried about the sun blowing up.

WALDORF: Heh, fair point.

Segment 4 - Backstage

(INT. BACKSTAGE - The Sisters and Crazy Harry enter from the right)

KERMIT: Alright, very nice, girls. Harry, next time we do a number like that, can you blow up a prop that we won’t need again? (turns to the camera) Now we gotta build a new sun.

(Kermit turns around, and sees Scooter, Rizzo, and the Swedish Chef working together to make paper chains of people)

KERMIT: What’s this all about?

SCOOTER: We’re making decorations for the closing number. They’re paper dolls, you like ‘em? (he shows Kermit the dolls in his hand)

KERMIT: Huh, they’re very sweet.

SCOOTER: We worked out a system for this.

(Cut to a middle shot of the Swedish Chef)

SCOOTER (offscreen): Chef folds the paper and cuts it out, since he’s got the most dexterity.

SWEDISH CHEF (to himself, in a singsong voice): Schnippy schnippy…

(Camera pans over to Rizzo)

SCOOTER (offscreen): Rizzo tapes them together, and lowers them down to me…

(In the middle of this line, the camera pans down back to Scooter)

SCOOTER: And I’m decorating them.

(Kermit watches Scooter colour the dolls with coloured pencils)

KERMIT: Hey, that one looks kinda like me.

(Scooter holds up a set of dolls, one of which is coloured a rich green with a lime green collar)

SCOOTER: Well, it is you. I’m making all the dolls look like us. See, this one’s you, this one’s me, this one’s Piggy…

(Upon her name being spoken, Miss Piggy enters from the left)

MISS PIGGY: Did someone call?

SCOOTER: Yeah, this paper doll is of you.

(He shows her a paper doll, which has pink skin, curly blonde hair, and is wearing a black dress)

MISS PIGGY: Why, it captures my essence tres bien!

(She looks at the camera and laughs, before exiting on the left)

KERMIT: Maybe I should take up drawing.

Segment 5 - At the Dance

(INT. BALLROOM - Close up on a chandelier. It’s time for At the Dance . First, we have Gonzo dancing with two chickens stacked on top of each other)

GONZO: So, you say you’re spring chickens, eh?

CHICKEN #1: Cluck!

GONZO: Yeah, well I’m a winter whatever. Hah!

(Second, we have Yolanda dancing with a blue Whatnot)

BLUE WHATNOT: Psst; did you hear that the old owner of this theatre got arrested for fraud? I found his faulty documents and turned them in.

YOLANDA: I guess that makes us both rats.

(Third, we have Bunsen dancing with Beaker)

BEAKER: Meep.

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Oh, come on, Beakie, it’s not so hard. Just follow me. And one two three, dip!

(Bunsen dips Beaker, and Beaker’s hair goes flying)

BEAKER: Ah! Me-me!

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Oh, that’s right, I forgot; that dancing elixir I made for you has a rather unfortunate side effect.

(Beaker’s hair lands on top of Wanda, who is dancing with Wayne)

WAYNE: Dear, have you changed your hair at all?

WANDA: Now that you mention it, I was thinking of dyeing.

WAYNE: Is that so?

WANDA: Yes; I want to know what I’d look like as a blonde!

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: Now why do they keep doing these dance bits? They’re always dull.

WALDORF: Hey, I’d take dull over mind-numbing and insulting, like the rest!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 6 - Fozzie’s Standup - Waiter

(INT. BACKSTAGE - The dancers shuffle in. Kermit is directing people)

KERMIT: Very good, very good!

(The Sisters start to come down the stairs)

KERMIT: Oh, uh, girls, can we talk for a minute? Y’know, we like to do real big, showy endings around here.

SCOOTER: So, we were thinking you could bring the rest of your family along for the closing number!

(The Sisters all look at each other, incredulous)

ALL SISTERS: All of them?

KERMIT: Well, of course. Here on the Muppet Show, we’re all a great big family. It’s only fitting that we allow sisters such as yourselves to invite your family along, too.

STEFANIE: Well, Kermit, that’s a very sweet sentiment, but are you sure there’s enough room on the stage for that?

SABRINA: We’re kind of a big family too.

KERMIT: Oh, trust me, girls. How many people could you possibly have to bring in?

SIERRA: Twenty-three.

(Kermit and Scooter stop dead)

KERMIT/SCOOTER (overlapping): Twenty-three?!

SIERRA: Yeah. If you want the entire family, that would be us three, our Papa, Tía Lee, Sabrina’s mom, Stefanie’s parents, Stefanie’s brother…

SABRINA (continuing): Abuela, Tía Julieta, Tío Agustín, Tío Félix, Mariano, Isabela…

STEFANIE (continuing): Denise, Dolores, Luisa, Camilo, Mirabel, Antonio, and Catalina. (beat) And Dolores’ triplets.

(Kermit looks at the camera)

KERMIT: That is a big family. (turns back to the Sisters) Well, don’t you worry about it, we’ll figure something out. We just need a filler act until we get all our ducks in a row.

(Fozzie happens to be passing by when he says this)

KERMIT: (turns around and sees Fozzie) Oh, Fozzie! Do you have anything new that you want to try out?

FOZZIE: Well, I have been workshopping a waiter routine. Like at a restaurant?

KERMIT: Yes, yes, I get it. You’re on now. Knock ‘em dead!

FOZZIE: Now? Oh!

(Fozzie frantically runs on stage. Kermit puts his head in his hands)

KERMIT: Twenty-six guest stars in one show…what was I thinking? This closing act is going to be a disaster.

(A plate with some meatballs is slid onto the table from below. Kermit looks over and picks one up as Nicholas pulls himself up where he can be seen on camera)

KERMIT: (tasting the meatball) Hmm…you know, Nicky, your dad might drive me crazy sometimes, but he makes darn good meatballs.

(Nicholas giggles)

(INT. STAGE - Fozzie enters as the curtains open to reveal his park setup)

FOZZIE: Hello, hiya hiya hiya! Have I got a story for you tonight! The other week, I was helping out a buddy by filling in as a waiter for his restaurant. He didn’t have time to wait for anyone else! Haaah!

(SFX CUE - Small laughs from the audience)

FOZZIE (cont.): Yeah! So when I got there, I found him with this big ol’ hunk of butter, and he asked me to help cut it into small squares, so it would be easier to manage, and then he goes, “you butter get on it!”

(SFX CUE - A rimshot. Quiet chuckles from the audience)

FOZZIE: Haaah! Wocka wocka!

STATLER (offscreen): Hey, tell me something, bear, how is your cooking anyway?

(Cut to an over-the-shoulder shot of Fozzie. Statler and Waldorf’s balcony is now in sight.)

FOZZIE: I’d say it’s pretty good, why?

WALDORF: We wanted to know if you cook better than you tell jokes!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Cut back to a focus shot on Fozzie)

FOZZIE: Come on, you two, you know you love da bear! (he continues with the routine) Okay, so I finish with the butter, and then I get on to doing waiter stuff. I go to a table and ask if they’d like their drinks, and the guy there goes, “I can’t bear to wait any longer!” 

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

WALDORF (offscreen): So you’re saying this random guy in a restaurant was funnier than you?

BOTH (offscreen): HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

FOZZIE: Okay, okay, now here comes the best part of the evening. I come by this same table just as they’ve finished up, I ask how everything was tonight, and they tell me, “you made our night bearable!”

(SFX CUE - The audience goes “aww”)

(MUSIC CUE - Fozzie’s ending sting)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: You know, the bear’s got a decent backup plan if this theatre ever goes bust.

WALDORF: Why couldn’t the theatre have been his backup plan? He’s unbearable!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

(LIGHTING CUE - Blackout)

Segment 7 - All of You, Reunited Edition

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Madrigal Family.

(LIGHTING CUE - Lights up. The entire Madrigal clan, including the Sisters’ birth families, are on stage)

(MUSIC CUE - “All of You”, originally from Encanto. Some lyrics have been altered, making it a Reunited Edition)

MIRABEL: This is our home, we’ve got a strong foundation

LUISA: (taking Mirabel’s hand) When things seem hopeless, we make it through just fine

ISABELA: This is our family, a glowing constellation. So many stars, and everybody wants to shine

(Sierra steps up and takes Isabela’s hand)

SIERRA: But the stars don’t shine, they burn

(Lee takes her niece's hand)

LEE: And the constellations shift

MIRABEL: Took us a while to learn we’re more than just our Gifts

ALMA: (holding hands with her granddaughters) So when you’re feeling so uptight, too afraid to show you true

JULIETA: Know the miracle is not some magic that you’ve got, the miracle is you

ALMA/JULIETA: Not some Gift, just you, the miracle is you

ALL: All of you, all of you

(The music swells)

LUISA: Our Tia Pepa, she controls the weather

(She and Isabela lift their aunt to the sky)

ISABELA: Sunshine or raindrops, she can do most anything

CAMILO: Our Tio Bruno

STEFANIE/SIERRA/SABRINA: We’re gonna talk about Bruno!

CAMILO: He can see the future, so grateful that he’s here to sing

(As the family vocalises together, there is an instrumental break. Bobby Benson directs the four babies; Padma plays a recorder, Benito plays a keyboard, Juana plays a guitar, and Catalina plays drums)

ALL: Hey! Lay down your load!

ALL MEN: Lay down your load

ALL WOMEN: We are only down the road

ALL: And Gift or not, we are still many! And we’ll do anything for you!

JULIETA: It’s a dream when we work as a team, you’re so strong

FRAN: Yeah, but sometimes I cry

JULIETA/LUISA: (hugging Fran) So do I!

JEFF: I may not be as strong, but I’m getting wiser

CAMILO: Sounds like you need an energizer

ANTONIO: Come on! Follow the birds and watch ‘em fly!

CAMILO/JEFF/ANTONIO: Straight up to the sky, let’s go!

PEPA/FELIX: The stars don’t shine, they burn, the constellations glow

JULIETA/AGUSTIN: The seasons change and turn, as we watch our little ones grow

AGUSTIN: They’re just as sweet as you

(Brief break)

SABRINA: So Denise, what’s up with you?

DENISE: You know I have so much love inside

SABRINA: Lucky you met my sister, huh? You know, Stefanie?

STEFANIE (butting in): Okay, I’ve got this, bye-bye now! (she bumps Sabrina away and takes Denise’s hands) You cheer so loud, you take care of your family and you make ‘em proud, and when you are with me I hear beautiful harmonies, so I’m seizing this moment cause we’re perfect, just you and me

DENISE: Oh, Stefanie, I missed you! (they kiss)

ALL: All of you, all of you

MITCH: So when’s the wedding?

LINDA: Slow down.

ALL: All of you, all of you

DOLORES: Home sweet home, we’ve got every generation

MARIANO: Everything is perfect as long as I am next to you

ALMA: Just one more thing, before we end this collaboration

BRUNO: We need a doorknob

ANTONIO: We made this one for you.

(Antonio is holding a doorknob marked with “M.S”, for Muppet Show. He looks over and beckons Kermit on stage)

ALL: We see how bright you burn, we see how brave you’ve been, now see yourself in turn

ANTONIO: You’re a trooper, Kermit, let us in.

(Alma and Mirabel stand back)

ALMA: Open your eyes. Abre los ojos…what do you see?

MIRABEL: I see…the most perfect family we’ll ever be.

(The music draws to a close. Cue massive applause from the audience)

KERMIT: Incredible! A masterful performance by this amazing family! Thank you, Madrigals, for ending this show on such a high note!

(Amidst the family hugging each other, Luisa lifts Kermit onto her shoulder)

KERMIT: (looking around) I guess this is what it’s like to be tall. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, we’ll see you next time on the Muppet Show!

(The credits roll)

WALDORF: Tell me, have you ever talked to animals before?

STATLER: Are you kidding? Have you met my kids?

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Chapter Text

Segment 1 - Opening + Kermit vs. Statler and Waldorf

(INT. DRESSING ROOM DOOR - A knock at the door. Scooter enters)

SCOOTER: Hitomu Jagoda? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Jagoda.

(INT. DRESSING ROOM - Hitomu sits at a desk with Chiho in his lap.)

HITOMU: Thank you, Scooter.

SCOOTER: Say, did you know that the Muppets have been around since at least 1955?

CHIHO: Umai!

SCOOTER: Oh my indeed! 

(All laugh)

(INT. STAGE - The "The Muppet Show" slide. Kermit peeks out through the "O" in "Show")

KERMIT: It’s the Muppet Show, with our very special guests, Hitomu Jagoda and Chiho Nagomi! Yaaaaay!

(MUSIC CUE - The Muppets Show Theme)

(INT. STAGE - Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Thank you, thank you, welcome to another magical instalment of the Muppet Show!

STATLER (offscreen, interrupting): Hey, frog, is it true that tonight’s guest star is only an infant?

KERMIT: Uh, yes, tonight our guest stars are the adorable and talented Oishiina Town’s Sweetheart Chiho Nagomi, and her father, the good-hearted Hitomu Jagoda.

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf; Statler’s grandson is seated in the booth with them)

WALDORF: You hear that? They’re stooping to babies as guest stars! They must really be desperate to keep this show going!

STATLER’S GRANDSON: At least wait until grade school to start the torture!

ALL: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(INT. STAGE - Kermit)

KERMIT (looking sheepish): Sheesh. (he gets an idea) Ahem; I tell you, gentlemen, you’ve never seen a baby like Chiho before.

STATLER: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

KERMIT: That little bundle of joy has in store for us a show of which most people her age can only dream of.

WALDORF: In your dreams!

ALL: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 

(The audience laughs alongside them)

KERMIT: That’s right, and she’s going to show us a magical display beyond your wildest imaginations.

STATLER’S GRANDSON: Can she make us imagine a better show?

ALL (including audience): HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

KERMIT (satisfied): So let us begin our show, with the comedic blessings of our resident hecklers, Statler and Waldorf!

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: Why, that frog baited us into saying those things!

WALDORF: Well played; it takes talent to set yourself up for insults.

(INT. STAGE - Kermit)

KERMIT: So, ladies and gentlemen, let’s start off with Bobby Benson and his Baby Band!

Segment 2 - Baby Grocery Store

(INT. STAGE - The curtains open, revealing the Baby Band on the other side.)

(MUSIC CUE - Grocery store ambience)

(Baby #1 enters with a shopping cart, while Baby #2 is stocking a shelf and Baby #3 is standing behind the checkout)

BABY #3: Who?

BABY #1: You!

BABY #3: Me?

BABY #1: Peas!

BABY #3: Where?

BABY #2: There!

(Baby #1 exits on the right)

BABY #2: Working hard?

BABY #3: All day long!

BABY #2: Produce sales?

BABY #3: They’re going strong!

(Baby #1 returns with some peas in the shopping cart, but now the babies no longer want to follow the script)

BABY #3: You gotta licence for those peas?

BABY #1: I don’t need no stinkin’ licence!

(Baby #1 and Baby #3 begin to fight with the peas and a nearby carrot)

BABY #2: Hey, I’m the boss around here!

(Baby #2 tries to bang the other two’s heads together. Bobby Benson appears to pry them all apart as the curtains close)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER’S GRANDSON: Is this how my generation is being represented these days?

WALDORF: At our age, we’re lucky to be represented at all!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Statler simply scowls at Waldorf)

Segment 3 - Vegetable Song

(INT. STAGE - Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Well, that didn’t exactly go as planned. But nonetheless, next we have our very special guests, Miss Chiho Nagomi and Mr. Hitomu Jagoda, leading a children’s song about vegetables! Yaaaaaay!

(The curtains open. Chiho stands centre stage, dressed in an orange carrot dress with a green collar. She is surrounded by the rat chorus, all dressed up as different vegetables. Hitomu sits behind them on a tractor prop, dressed as a farmer with a guitar.)

(MUSIC CUE - Vegetable Song)

HITOMU: Down in the gardens where the dandelions play, that’s where the vegetables grow that we eat every day

(Chiho and the rat chorus do a step dance)

RAT CHORUS: Carrots, peas, tomatoes, leeks, cauliflower too, these are all the greens we grow for you!

CHIHO: Umai!

(Hitomu moves closer to centre stage, near his daughter)

HITOMU: No better place to be than standing right here, watching all the veggies grow with you, my dear

RIZZO: Eggplants and broccoli

YOLANDA: Bok choy and celery

RAT CHORUS: Perfectly grown for you and me!

CHIHO: Umai!

(Chiho turns into her fairy form, Umai-chan, and flies in the air, creating magic vegetables out of thin air)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: Hey, look, we got some tomatoes!

WALDORF: Let’s test out our aim!

(INT. STAGE - Seemingly knowing their scheme, Hitomu holds up a target for Statler and Waldorf to aim the tomatoes at, which they both hit perfectly)

HITOMU: Bullseye!

UMAI-CHAN: Umai!

(Umai-chan poofs back into Chiho and lands in Hitomu’s arms)

(SFX CUE - Applause)

Segment 4 - Backstage

(INT. BACKSTAGE - The vegetable dancers enter from the right)

KERMIT: Alright, very good, everybody. Electric Mayhem, you’re on. Go, go!

(The Electric Mayhem scurries on stage)

KERMIT: (turns around) Piggy, I hope you’re not too jealous of having a girl singer guest star tonight.

MISS PIGGY: Oh, nonsense, Kermie! I may have some issues with (through gritted teeth) irritating, self-important little starlings, (back to normal voice) but I have nothing to gain from fighting with an innocent baby!

(Hitomu and Chiho pass by them)

MISS PIGGY: Aren’t you such a bundle of talent, Chi-Chi?

CHIHO: (pointing at Miss Piggy) Kabaton!

(Hitomu and Chiho exit on the left. Miss Piggy looks at the camera)

MISS PIGGY: I’m electing to ignore that.

(Hitomu and Chiho go up the stairs to their dressing room. Fozzie and Gonzo are chatting near the railing)

GONZO: Say, Hitomu, didn’t you say your partner was coming in later for the closing number?

HITOMU: Yes, Rosemary, that’s my boyfriend.

FOZZIE: Hey, if you two ever tied the knot, you could call him Rose-married! Wocka wocka!

(The four laugh, and Hitomu and Chiho enter the dressing room.)

GONZO: Alright, so what do you think of this new stunt routine I put together? I start off on a motorcycle.

FOZZIE: Yeah?

GONZO: Ride it up a ramp and through a hoop.

FOZZIE: Yeah?

GONZO: Turn around, avoiding a spike trap.

FOZZIE: Yeah?

GONZO: Ride down the carpet out of the theatre into the street lights outside.

FOZZIE (doing a double take): Huh?

GONZO: I know! Impressive, right? People are gonna love it! Haha!

(Gonzo runs off. Fozzie looks at the camera)

FOZZIE: What’s really impressive is how he’s lasted this long.

(Down on the first floor, Kermit is looking for someone)

KERMIT: Beauregard, have you seen Hitomu’s partner anywhere? I thought he would have shown up by now.

BEAUREGARD: Hmm… I think you just missed him. I saw him going on stage with Bunsen.

KERMIT: Oh, okay. (after a moment, he realises) Wait, who did he go on stage with?

Segment 5 - Muppet Labs: Sparkle-izer

(INT. MUPPET LABS - Zoom out from the clock to show the whole set. Bunsen, Rosemary, and Beaker stand behind a table in a row)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. We’ve got something here tonight that will light up your lives, as demonstrated by our guest lab assistant, Rosemary.

ROSEMARY (trying to be flattering): Thank you, Dr. Honeydew. It’s so lovely to be working alongside you tonight. Ever since I heard about this show, I’ve wanted to be on Muppet Labs.

BEAKER: Me-me me-me? (as if to say “Are you crazy?”)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Now, tonight we have on display a sparkle-izer. Say goodbye to tedious party decorating; with one press of this, your venue will be as snazzy as can be!

ROSEMARY: Oh, how amazing! Imagine how useful this would be for bridal showers.

BEAKER (nodding along): Me-me.

ROSEMARY: Although in my heart, there will only be one true Sparkle. (waving to the audience) Hi, Hinata, I see you out there!

(INT. THEATRE SEATS - Hinata, or Cure Sparkle, is sitting in the audience with Kokone, who is covering her face from second-hand embarrassment)

HINATA: Hi!

(INT. MUPPET LABS - Back to the stage)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Alright, let’s just turn it on and we can demonstrate.

(Bunsen turns the machine on. After a moment, the machine begins to shake)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Um, Beaker, we only filled this thing once today, right?

BEAKER: Uh…

(The machine explodes. When the dust settles, all three performers are covered in glitter)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Well; I guess it sparkle-izes fine. Just a little too much.

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

WALDORF: Now who is going to clean all that glitter up?

STATLER: Who else; the Glitter Force!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(INT. BACKSTAGE - The Muppet Labs crew enters from the right)

KERMIT: Nice one.

BEAKER: Me-me. (as if to say “Sorry.”)

KERMIT: Look, I’m not mad at you, just kind of annoyed. That stuff’s messy, okay?

ROSEMARY: I suppose, it’s better it was glitter everywhere than something like mud. That would have truly been a disaster.

(Hitomu and Chiho enter from the staircase)

HITOMU: There you are, babe! (he looks him up and down) Where’d all the glitter come from?

BEAKER: Me-me-me-me-me. Meep.

CHIHO: (reaching for Beaker) Meep!

(Beaker looks at the camera)

Segment 6 - Veterinarian’s Hospital: French Chef

ANNOUNCER: And now, we return to Veterinarian’s Hospital; the continuing stooooory of a quack who’s gone to the dogs.

(INT. HOSPITAL - The lights go up. Nurse Piggy, Dr. Bob, and Nurse Janice all stand in a row. In front of them, the French Chef patiently lies on the table)

DR. BOB: Alrighty, what do we have today?

NURSE JANICE: This patient’s been suffering from migraines.

DR. BOB: Call that a Code Sacre Bleu!

(All laugh. The French Chef looks annoyed)

NURSE PIGGY: Now, they say a rag soaked in cold water on the forehead can help with headaches.

DR. BOB: Okay, but do it when the patient is awake; a cold water surprise when someone’s asleep results in a very different kind of “oui oui”!

(All laugh. The French Chef looks at the camera)

NURSE JANICE: Okay, let’s see here, we have the cold cloth.

(She puts the cloth on the French Chef’s forehead)

DR. BOB: You better keep her clear from the windows; to the French, glass is ice! (as in glace, the French word for “ice”, pronounced the same as “glass”)

(All laugh. The French Chef sits up)

FRENCH CHEF: Est-ce que tu es un vrai docteur? (“vrai” must be pronounced with a trilled “R” for the following joke to make sense)

DR. BOB: What are you talking about? I’m clearly not green! You must be looking for the frog!

(All laugh as the French Chef shakes her head. All four start to dart their heads around when the Announcer starts to speak)

ANNOUNCER: Tune in next time, where you’ll hear Nurse Janice say…

(A brick with eyes walks into the hospital)

NURSE JANICE: What brings you here?

BRICK: I fell! (Eiffel)

(All laugh. The curtains close)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER’S GRANDSON: Do I have to know French to understand that?

STATLER: No, you only need the accent and the pretension!

ALL: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 7 - Just the Way You Are

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

(INT. STAGE - Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Okay, thank you, thank you, everyone! Now, we are nearly finished with our show, but before we go, we have one last number; a love song, as performed by our guest stars. Ladies, gentlemen, whatevers…Chiho Nagomi, and her fathers, Hitomu and Rosemary.

(Kermit moves offstage as the curtains open. On the other side, Hitomu and Rosemary are dressed in sparkly white suits. Umai-chain flies above their heads, dressed in a sparkly white dress.)

(LIGHTING CUE - Lights soften, and turn from white to multicoloured, which reflect off Umai-chan’s dress)

(MUSIC CUE - “Just the Way You Are”, originally performed by Bruno Mars)

(Hitomu and Rosemary take hands and begin to dance. Umai-chan twirls in the air over them, like a living disco ball)

HITOMU: Your eyes, your eyes make the stars look like they’re not shining

ROSEMARY: Your hair, your hair falls perfectly without you trying. You’re so beautiful, and I tell you every day

HITOMU: I know, I know, when I compliment you, you don’t believe me, and it’s so, it’s so sad to think that you don’t see what I see. So every time you ask me if you look okay, I say

UMAI-CHAN: I see!

HITOMU: When I see your face, there’s not a thing that I would change, cause you’re amazing just the way you are

ROSEMARY: And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while, cause you’re amazing just the way you are

UMAI-CHAN: Whee!

(LIGHTING CUE - The lights focus on the blues and greens)

HITOMU: Your lips, your lips, I would kiss them all day if you’d let me

ROSEMARY: Your laugh, your laugh, you hate but I think it’s so pretty

HITOMU: You’re so beautiful, and I tell you every day

(Umai-chan uses her magic to sprinkle fairy dust over the audience)

(INT. AUDIENCE - Hinata and Kokone, who have been joined by Ako, react in awe to the sparkles)

ROSEMARY (offscreen): Oh, you know, you know, you know I’d never ask you to change

HITOMU (offscreen): If perfect’s what you’re searching for, then just stay the same

(INT. STAGE - Close up on Hitomu and Rosemary, who look lovingly into each other’s eyes)

ROSEMARY: So don’t ever bother asking if you look okay

ROSEMARY/HITOMU: You know I’ll say

ROSEMARY: When I see your face, there’s not a thing that I would change, cause you’re amazing just the way you are

HITOMU: And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while, cause you’re amazing just the way you are

ROSEMARY:  The way you are

HITOMU: The way you are

ROSEMARY/HITOMU:  Boy, you're amazing

UMAI-CHAN: Jus' the way you are!

ROSEMARY:  When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change, cause you're amazing, just the way you are

(As the music finishes, Rosemary twirls and dips Hitomu, and plants a big kiss on his lips. When the two are upright again, Umai-chan poofs back into Chiho and lands in both of their arms.)

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

(Hitomu and Rosemary both take turns bowing. They present Chiho to the audience, who squeals with delight)

(Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Wowzers, everybody, what a show! Let’s hear it for our guest stars!

(SFX CUE - Applause)

KERMIT: Indeed, we’ll certainly be eating hearty with help from our little Chiho Nagomi! 

(Behind him, the Swedish Chef has entered the stage holding a pot)

UMAI-CHAN: Umai!

(Umai-chan creates vegetables with her magic and puts them in the pot. The two laugh together)

KERMIT: We’ll see you next time on the Muppet Show!

(The credits roll)

STATLER: So, what’s an “Umai” anyway?

WALDORF: Japanese word for “yummy”.

STATLER’S GRANDSON: Why’d she keep saying it? This show is poison!

ALL: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Chapter Text

Segment 1 - Opening + Murder Mystery

(INT. DRESSING ROOM - A knock at the door. Scooter enters)

SCOOTER: Alice Macro? Sixteen seconds to curtain, Mx. Macro.

(Cut to full interior. Alice is sitting at a vanity)

ALICE: Thank you, Scooter.

(Once Scooter leaves, Gonzo sneaks in from the right)

GONZO: Say, guest star; I hear there’s a zombie on set tonight.

ALICE: Yeah, that’s me.

GONZO: Oh. Well, that’s okay, I’m not worried. I exercise my nerves far more than my brain.

(Gonzo laughs and mugs for the camera. Alice just looks confused.)

(INT. STAGE - The "The Muppet Show" slide. Kermit, dressed up as a vampire with fangs, peeks out through the "O" in "Show")

KERMIT: It’s the Muppet Show, with our very special guest, Mx. Alice Macro! Yaaaaay!

(MUSIC CUE - The Muppets Show Theme)

(INT. STAGE - Kermit enters from the left.)

KERMIT: Thank you, thank you! (doing a vampire voice) Velcome to the show, bats and ghouls! Tonight, ve have a show of frights and fangs, sure to chill you to your bones!

(SFX CUE - Applause, as Kermit mugs for the camera)

KERMIT: Now first, ve have a skit vith a murder, a detective, and a mystery…

(Kermit slides offstage as the curtains open.)

(INT. MORTEM CAFE - Detective Rizzo and Chef Yolanda stand in front of a counter, where Customer Beauregard lays dead)

DETECTIVE RIZZO: So, you say that after a bite o’ your beignets, this man passed out completely dead?

CHEF YOLANDA: Exactly.

(Detective Rizzo inspects the body)

DETECTIVE RIZZO: Hmm…no open wounds, no sign of internal damage. 

CHEF YOLANDA: He just clonked down and he was gone. Beignet, Detective?

DETECTIVE RIZZO: Thank you, ma’am. (picks up a beignet and takes a bite) Despite this tragedy, your beignets are still the best in town.

CHEF YOLANDA: Oh, yes…they’re to die for.

DETECTIVE RIZZO: Huh?

(Detective Rizzo chokes and keels over, dead. Chef Yolanda cackles at her misdeeds)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: That sketch was like a lime-infused drink.

WALDORF: How so?

STATLER: It had a twist!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(INT. BACKSTAGE - The actors enter from the right)

KERMIT: Alright, very good, actors. Our October special is off to a good start.

FOZZIE: You know, if Yolanda had some raspberries, she could have made that act a good tart. Haaah, wocka wocka!

(Kermit scrunches his face and looks at the camera)

Segment 2 - Swedish Chef vs. French Chef: Kebab Fencing

(INT. KITCHEN - Swedish Chef and French Chef, whose uniforms are splattered with tomato juice to look like fake blood, stand at their counter, each holding a knife.)

(MUSIC CUE - The Swedish Chef’s Theme)

SWEDISH CHEF: Year besh dear heerin he dinke do, year hinkin bear rinkin do, bork bork bork!

(Before he can throw anything, the French Chef grips his wrist)

FRENCH CHEF: Ne pas tousser ce kuh-ne-fey.

(Both put their knives down safely)

SWEDISH CHEF: Yish be hoon de ke-bobby! (holds up a skewer) Hewe gee da skeyewer, ee de meatsy.

FRENCH CHEF: (pushes over a plate of meat chunks) Pour ces kee-babs, nous stabbe avec le skeweur.

(Swedish Chef and French Chef each make a kebab in this fashion)

SWEDISH CHEF: Ee nouw, de beeg ke-bobby!

(He and the French Chef both hold up a Muppet-sized skewer)

FRENCH CHEF: Maintenant, c’est temps pour fencer! Fence!

(Both move off to opposite sides, then come running at each other. The French Chef ducks out of the way before the Swedish Chef can impale her with the skewer. The Swedish Chef looks up, confused, and the French Chef whacks him in the face with the skewer, knocking him out.)

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience, as the French Chef looks smug)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: What did you think of that?

WALDORF: Not sure; I’m on the fence about it!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 3 - Fozzie’s Standup - Computers and Zombies

(INT. STAGE - The curtains are drawn. Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT (doing the vampire voice): Very good, very good! Now, ve have for you, a comedy routine that vill give you a scream! Presenting, Fozzie Bear, and our very special guest, Alice Macro!

(Kermit slides off stage as the curtains open. Fozzie, wearing a Phantom of the Opera mask, and Alice are on the other side)

FOZZIE: Hello, hiya hiya hiya! So, computers, am I right?

ALICE (confused): Uh, yep. They sure do have a lot of websites on them.

FOZZIE: Yeah. Too bad most of them are hazardous to your eye-site! Haaah!

(SFX CUE - A few confused laughs from the audience)

ALICE: …Okay. So, the other day, I was online looking at some Hot Topic stuff, and I found an ad for some skull earrings.

FOZZIE: Ya better be careful; clicking on ads can put a very different kinda skull on your screen! Wocka wocka!

(SFX CUE - “WTF” murmurs from the audience)

ALICE: Why is this routine about computers? I’m not really a tech person.

FOZZIE: I thought your application said you were non-binary.

(Beat as Alice looks at Fozzie incredulously)

FOZZIE: You know, computers run on binaries.

ALICE: Do…do you know what non-binary means?

FOZZIE: …No. Oh, wait, is that what they call someone who’s both a human and a zombie?

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

FOZZIE: But wait, I’m not a human or a zombie. What does that make me?

ALICE (deadpan): An idiot.

(SFX CUE - Louder laughter from the audience)

ALICE: Non-binary means you’re not a boy or a girl.

FOZZIE: (pause as he looks at the camera) Oh.

ALICE: Dumbass.

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

FOZZIE: (crawling off stage) I’ll be leaving now.

ALICE: That’s why computers are important; so you can do the bear minimum of research.

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(MUSIC CUE - Fozzie’s ending sting)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

WALDORF: Hey, this is the fourth time a child has done a better job than their regular guys!

STATLER: The kids are alright!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 4 - Backstage

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Various Muppets, dressed in costumes, are scurrying around)

KERMIT: Alright, I’m pretty sure we’ve ticked off every Halloween box on our list. 

GONZO: Man, I love October. Everything is much more intense; you just never know when the next big scare is coming!

(Rowlf, wearing a hockey mask, suddenly sneaks up on Kermit)

ROWLF: YAAH!

KERMIT: AAH! (falls over)

GONZO: Like right now!

(Gonzo and Rowlf laugh as Kermit pulls himself back up)

KERMIT: Sheesh.

(Upstairs, the rats are digging through a box of fake cobwebs)

RIZZO: What do they even make this stuff out of? It gets stuck on everything.

YOLANDA: And there’s not even any glue in it.

(Animal pops out of the box)

ANIMAL: WEBS! WEBS!

(Rizzo looks at the camera)

RIZZO: Maybe we should have gone with the fake goop.

(Down by the stairs, the Swedish Chef is frustratedly trying to explain something to Floyd, who is dressed as a killer with a knife strapped to his back)

FLOYD: Now, Chef, I do not understand a word that’s coming out of your mouth!

SWEDISH CHEF: (exasperated sigh) Ish been de hoo de kuh-nee-fey !

FLOYD: I don’t have a kuh-nee-fey! (to Bunsen, who is passing by) Do you have a translator or something?

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Well, yes, but, um, we kind of need it for our act. Speaking of which, we’re on in ten seconds. Come along, Beaker.

(Bunsen and Beaker exit on the right)

FLOYD: I trust it works; if he puts up with Beaker all day, he could understand anything.

(The Swedish Chef gives up and just knocks Floyd over with the comically large skewer from his act)

Segment 5 - Muppet Labs: Zombie Translator

(INT. MUPPET LABS - Bunsen and Beaker, dressed as mad scientists, are on stage)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Mad Doctor Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being terrified today!

BEAKER (imitating a ghost): Ooooh!

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Now, October is a time when all sorts of creatures can be found roaming the streets, and unfortunately, we cannot always understand each other. That’s where Muppet Labs’ new Zombie Translator comes in handy. Now, tonight we have a real zombie visiting us so we can demonstrate! Beaker, bring in Mr. Conehead, please.

(Beaker directs a zombie with a cone on his head into the lab)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Now, let’s get the translator going.

(Bunsen turns on the translator)

CONEHEAD ZOMBIE: Urrguuurrrh.

TRANSLATOR: You have a very nice partner.

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW (flustered): Oh! Well, I am rather fond of my Beakie.

CONEHEAD ZOMBIE: Rurrrgurrguh?

TRANSLATOR: Do you mind if I taste him?

BEAKER: Me-me? (as if to say “Wait, what?”)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Now, Mr. Zombie, I would like to make clear that that’s my partner you’re talking about.

CONEHEAD ZOMBIE (getting uncomfortably close to Beaker): Guruuuurughur.

TRANSLATOR: But he looks delicious.

(Beaker shrieks and runs off stage to the left while evading the Conehead Zombie, who fails to bite him. Beauregard, still wearing the murder victim costume from the earlier sketch, appears on stage to try and subdue him)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: You stay away from him!

CONEHEAD ZOMBIE/BEAUREGARD/DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: (overlapping shouting)

(The curtain falls)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: You know, I think having zombies on the show might be a metaphor for something.

WALDORF: No, no, they’re still getting the same numbers after all these years. They’re still firmly in freak-show territory.

Segment 6 - Miss Piggy: The Ghost Who is Still Alive

(INT. STAGE - Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT (normal voice): Oh, geez… (back to vampire voice) Vell, that idea sucked!

(SFX CUE - Awkward laughter from the audience)

KERMIT: And now, ve have the lovely, yet terrifying Queen of the Theatre herself, ready to perform a haunting number for all of us. Bat, ghouls, and monsters of all ages, may I present…Mistress Piggy.

(Kermit moves offstage as the curtains open. A single spotlight appears over Miss Piggy, who is dressed in an elegant gothic dress)

(MUSIC CUE - “The Ghost Who is Still Alive”, originally performed by Beth Crowley)

MISS PIGGY: I struck a deal with the Devil, masquerading as a God

(As she sings this, Robin, dressed in a little devil suit, appears holding a clipboard)

ROBIN: Sign here.

MISS PIGGY: I sold my soul, now I’m all alone, with my bruised and battered heart

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Kermit dreamily watches Miss Piggy from the wings)

MISS PIGGY (offscreen): Does a life have any meaning, if no one knows your name? If not, then I’m the only one to blame

(INT. STAGE - Back to Miss Piggy)

(LIGHTING CUE - Flare red)

MISS PIGGY: I am the whisper of a memory, I am the fear you might have lost your mind. I am the face you don’t remember, but one you’ve seen a thousand times…the ghost who is still alive

(Whatnots wearing bedsheet ghosts start running around behind her)

WHATNOTS (imitating ghosts): Ooooh, ooooh!

MISS PIGGY (slightly annoyed): I didn’t know any better, thought that I was being saved

GONZO (offscreen): I’ll save you!

(Gonzo divebombs onto Miss Piggy. In retaliation, Miss Piggy karate chops him back offstage.)

MISS PIGGY (as if nothing happened): One day I’ll have the freedom to finally make a mark. Till then, I’ll just be dancing in the dark

(LIGHTING CUE - Dim the lights)

(Miss Piggy twirls with her arms extended, as if ballroom dancing with an invisible partner. Eventually, she gets close enough to the wings to grab Kermit and pull him into her dance)

MISS PIGGY: I am the whisper of a memory, I am the fear you might have lost your mind. I am the face you don’t remember, but one you’ve seen a thousand times…

MISS PIGGY/KERMIT: The ghost who is still alive

(MUSIC CUE - Fade out on that line)

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

(LIGHTING CUE - Blackout)

Segment 7 - Bring Me to Life

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Electric Mayhem, featuring Alice Macro.

(LIGHTING CUE - Lights go up)

(INT. STAGE - The Electric Mayhem, decked out in punk gear, is set up. Alice stands in the centre with a microphone)

(MUSIC CUE - “Bring Me to Life”, originally performed by Evanescence)

ALICE: How can you see into my eyes, like open doors

JANICE: Leading you down into my core, where I’ve become, like, numb

ALICE: Without a soul

JANICE/FLOYD: (swaying their heads) Soooouuuuul

ALICE: My spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold, until you find me there and lead, it, back…home

ANIMAL: WAKE ME UP!

ALICE/JANICE/FLOYD: Wake me up inside

ANIMAL: CAN’T WAKE UP!

ALICE/JANICE/FLOYD: Wake me up inside

ANIMAL: SAVE ME!!

ALICE: Call my name and save me from the dark

ANIMAL: WAKE ME UP!

ALICE/JANICE/FLOYD: Bid my blood to run

ANIMAL: CAN’T WAKE UP!

ALICE/JANICE/FLOYD: Before I come undone

ANIMAL: SAVE ME!!!

ALICE: Save me from the nothing I’ve become

DR. TEETH: Now that I know what I’ve become, you can’t just leave me

FLOYD (singing under Dr. Teeth, not taking this seriously): Screw you, I’ll leave anyway

ALICE: Breathe into me and make me real, bring me to life

ANIMAL: BUT YOU ZOMBIE!

ALICE (trying not to laugh): Wake me up inside

ANIMAL: NO MAKE SENSE!

ALICE: Wake me up inside

ANIMAL: SAVE ME!!

JANICE: Call my name and save me from the dark

ANIMAL: WAKE ME UP!

ALICE: Bid my blood to run

ANIMAL: CAN’T WAKE UP!

ALICE: Before I come undone

ANIMAL: SAVE ME!!!

FLOYD: Save me from the nothing I’ve become

ALICE: Bring me to life

ANIMAL: I BEEN LIVING A LIE! THERE NOTHING INSIDE!

ALICE/JANICE: Bring me to life

ALICE: Frozen inside without your touch, without your love, asshole, only you are the light among the dead

FLOYD: All of this time, I can’t believe I couldn’t see, kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me

JANICE: I’ve been sleeping a thousand years, I think, got to open my eyes to everything

FLOYD: Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul

ALICE: Don’t let me die here

ANIMAL: MUST BE SOMETHING MORE!!

ALICE: Bring me to life

ANIMAL: WAKE ME UP!!

ALICE/JANICE/FLOYD: Wake me up inside

ANIMAL: CAN’T WAKE UP!

ALICE/JANICE/FLOYD: Wake me up inside

ANIMAL: SAVE ME!!!

ALICE: Call my name and save me from the dark

ANIMAL: WAKE ME UP!!

ALICE/JANICE/FLOYD: Bid my blood to run

ANIMAL: CAN’T WAKE UP!!

ALICE/JANICE/FLOYD: Before I come undone

ANIMAL: SAVE ME!!!

ALICE: Bring me to life!!

(SFX CUE - Uproarious applause from the audience)

(The curtains fall. Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT (forgetting the vampire voice): Marvellous! What a hair-raising show! Let’s hear it for our guest star, Alice Macro! Yaaaaay!

(Alice enters from the right)

ALICE: So how good is your crew at fighting zombies?

KERMIT: I don’t know, why?

(Beaker runs by screaming, still being chased by the Conehead Zombie)

ALICE: Probably that.

(Bunsen, Beauregard, and Gonzo run by, trying to catch the Conehead Zombie. Alice joins them)

KERMIT (hastily): We’ll see you next time on the Muppet Show!

(A herd of Muppets all run after them as the credits begin to roll)

STATLER: Halloween isn’t for five weeks. They’re celebrating too early!

WALDORF: Does that mean we can egg them early, too?

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Chapter Text

Segment 1 - Opening + Baby Home Videos

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Kermit and Scooter)

SCOOTER: This sure is different, eh Chief?

KERMIT: Certainly. But until they get the vents in the theatre fixed, it will have to do.

SCOOTER: (looking out from backstage) Seems like everyone’s here. We can start anytime.

KERMIT: You got your headset? You’re on announcement duty.

SCOOTER (tapping his mic): Right here. Alright, Kermit, you’re on in five.

(Kermit exits on the left)

(SFX CUE - Drumroll)

SCOOTER: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting our first instalment of Muppets’ Funniest Home Videos!

(INT. AUDITORIUM - The entire Muppet cast, as well as all of the previous guest stars, are sitting on risers, waiting for the show to begin)

(LIGHTING CUE - Blue, purple, and pink lights)

SCOOTER (voiceover): And here is our host, the feisty folk from funky ‘55, Kermit the Frog!

(Kermit enters the room to a massive round of applause)

KERMIT: Thank you, thank you, and welcome to Muppets’ Funniest Home Videos! I tell you, if you think we’re funny on stage, wait ‘till you see what we get up to at home! Okay, now; the earliest years in one’s life are fundamental for developing many skills; motor, speech, and of course, comedy.

(The clips begin to roll. We start with a clip of Baby Piggy and Baby Kermit, playing with a child-sized microphone)

BABY KERMIT: And now, the amazing Piggy!

(Baby Piggy takes the microphone and sings a wordless, cutesy song. She and Baby Kermit dance)

KERMIT (voiceover): Here’s where I learned that love hurts.

(In the midst of their dance, Baby Kermit and Baby Piggy twirl right into each other and both fall down)

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(Next clip; an offscreen adult is getting Baby Animal to pose with a flower)

PARENT: Okay, now smile!

(Baby Animal grins wide, only to completely chomp the flower’s head off)

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

KERMIT (deadpan voiceover): Yummy.

(Next clip; Baby Fozzie and Baby Gonzo are sitting together. Baby Gonzo is filling a pie tin with a comical amount of whipped cream)

BABY FOZZIE: Okay, here’s the joke; why do cows walk in herds? To get a moo-ve on! Haaah!

KERMIT (voiceover): Baby’s First Heckler; Exhibit A.

(Baby Gonzo picks up the pie tin and smushes it into Baby Fozzie’s face)

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(Next clip; Baby Beaker is using a window to balance as he tries to stand up.)

KERMIT (voiceover): A baby’s first steps are usually a joyous occasion.

(Outside the window, someone is using a leaf blower. They jokingly point it towards the window)

KERMIT (voiceover): In this case, it was a frightful occasion.

(Baby Beaker squeaks and runs away and crashes into Baby Bunsen)

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(The video freeze-frames on the two tots splayed on the floor in a heap)

Segment 2 - Stunt Fails

(INT. AUDITORIUM - The audience applauds as Kermit passes by some tables where his fellow Muppets are sitting; Gonzo on the left, the Swedish Chef and his family on the right)

KERMIT: Now on the Muppet Show, we have a lot of crazy stunts on display. Isn’t that right, Gonzo?

GONZO: It just isn’t a show until something goes flying!

KERMIT: Uh huh, and we’ve got a lot of clips of those, courtesy of our very own. 

SWEDISH CHEF: Ja, ja, ker-de-see.

(First clip: Gonzo is testing out a cannon on the stage)

GONZO: Okay, let’s see if this will work.

(The cannon’s fuse fizzes, but accidentally shoots Gonzo into the audience seats.)

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(Next clip: Beauregard is strung up, fixing some lights)

FOZZIE (filming): You sure you got it?

BEAUREGARD: I’m sure!

KERMIT (voiceover): He was not sure.

(Sure enough, the strings break, and Beauregard goes flailing into the set below. He emerges with a curtain on his head)

BEAUREGARD: I’m not sure.

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(Next clip: The chickens are practising a dance on a balance beam)

KERMIT (voiceover): Here’s a recommendation for using a balance beam…

(The chickens start to run into each other and all fall off)

KERMIT (voiceover): …it’s best used by people with actual feet.

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(Next clip: Hanging out at a park, the Swedish Chef and Dr. Teeth are doing a lift with Miss Piggy for a promotional photo shoot.)

KERMIT (in the video, off camera): You got her?

DR. TEETH: Uh huh.

KERMIT (in the video): Okay, just stay there while we get the picture.

(Some camera snaps can be heard.)

DR. TEETH: Okay, are we prepa-ready for the big splash?

MISS PIGGY: The what?

(Dr. Teeth and the Swedish Chef inch back towards a wading pool.)

KERMIT (in real life, voiceover): Trust me, you need nerves of steel to pull off a stunt like this.

(Dr. Teeth and the Swedish Chef lob Miss Piggy into the pool and laugh)

MISS PIGGY: Oh, you cretins! (as she pulls herself out of the water) When I get my hands on you-!

(The video freeze frames before she can finish her sentence)

(INT. AUDITORIUM - Kermit has moved further to the right. We can now see the Swedish Chef, the French Chef, their wives, and their children all seated at tables)

KERMIT: Now, Chef, I hear that Miss Piggy put up quite a fight with you after that photo shoot. Can you tell us about it?

SWEDISH CHEF: Uh...hm... (folds his hands, seeming unwilling to talk about it)

NICHOLAS: Wåcky de pïg.

SWEDISH CHEF: Ja.

KERMIT: So, Nicholas, are you having fun tonight?

NICHOLAS: Uh huh, ishâ da shøøy wa ve Gäbby-elle.

(Gabrielle, the French Chef’s daughter, simply giggles)

KERMIT: I see. Uh, Gabrielle, do you have anything to add to that? 

GABRIELLE: …Frogge!

(Both kids laugh as Kermit looks confused)

KERMIT: Alright then.

(LIGHTING CUE - Blackout; time for a commercial break)

Segment 3 - Things Only Beaker Could Screw Up

(LIGHTING CUE - Lights back up)

(INT. AUDITORIUM - Kermit stands before the audience)

KERMIT: Okay, everybody, welcome back to Muppets’ Funniest Home Videos. Now, normally our expertise is the variety show, but this next batch of clips is a compilation of just one person. This one person has been a crucial part of our cast and crew, and over all that time, we amassed a lot of footage of his…unfortunate times. Ladies and gentlemen, our very own, Beaker.

(First clip: Beaker is dragging a cart, preparing for a Muppet Labs sketch. He turns away for a moment, and while his back is turned, Fozzie leans on the cart while talking)

FOZZIE: So I said to him, I said…

(Beaker tries to pull the cart again, but due to the added weight, he just falls right over with a yelp. Fozzie looks over when he hears this)

FOZZIE (oblivious that he’s the one responsible for the accident): Oh shoot, are you okay?

KERMIT (voiceover): When has he ever been okay?

(Next clip: Back to the park photo shoot, Bunsen and Beaker pose for a cutesy picture, unaware of the goose sneaking around behind them)

GOOSE: HONK!

(Both turn around, surprised. Beaker squeaks as the goose nips at his backside)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Oh- I think he likes you.

(He does not; Beaker shrieks and makes a run for it as the goose hot-tails him)

KERMIT: Talking about playing chicken with a goose.

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(Next clip: Beaker, Rowlf, and Pepe are wandering around in the woods, crossing a stream on a log)

PEPE: Okay, come on, we gotta cross this stream.

(Pepe and Rowlf get across fine. When it's Beaker's turn to cross...)

KERMIT (voiceover): This is why you should stay out of the woods if you're allergic to trees.

(While Beaker is trying to cross, he sneezes and falls right into the stream)

ROWLF: Ooh; splash.

(After a few clips in quick succession of random items exploding in Beaker’s face, a clip begins to play where Beaker is simply drawing in a notebook, when Animal sneaks up on him)

ANIMAL: HAIR!!

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(Beaker shrieks and falls over into Bunsen’s arms)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: My, you’re jumpy today.

(SFX CUE - The audience goes “aww”)

Segment 4 - Guest Videos

(INT. AUDITORIUM - Kermit is standing on the stairs next to Beaker, who has his face buried in his hands)

KERMIT: Now, we have a lot of appreciation for you, Beaker. What do you have to say on the matter?

BEAKER: Me-me-me. (as if to say "Go away")

(Behind them is a row consisting of all the previous guest stars; Chiho points to Beaker)

CHIHO: Meep!

(The audience laughs and goes “aww”)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: They love you, Beakie!

(Kermit moves up to the next step to focus on the guest stars)

KERMIT: Now, for this special occasion, we’ve invited our previous guests back to spend some more time with us, and they’ve all done us the courtesy of bringing in their own home videos, proving to us that man or Muppet, everyone has the ability to be hilarious.

(First clip: Tutter is perched on top of a chair’s rim)

TUTTER: So you know what I have to say about that? (he looks important) I am a mouse with culture, and so I say-

(He loses his grip and slides all the way down, shrieking)

TUTTER: I say “ouch”.

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(Next clip: Sophie is filming her uncles in the winter, as they stumble around on an icy patch)

LARRY: You’re sure this is safe?

MX. SMALL: As long as you keep your legs straight, you won’t fall.

KERMIT (voiceover): If only they took their own advice.

(Larry wobbles as Mx. Small attempts to gracefully slide over to him. When they reach each other, they both slip, taking each other down as they fall. Sophie puts the camera down on a flat surface and enters the frame from the right)

SOPHIE: Are you okay? (slips) Wah!

(She falls flat on her face as the audience laughs)

LARRY: Is she okay?

(Next clip: Camilo, Sabrina, and Antonio are on a board, ready to slide)

CAMILO: Casita, you have our backs?

(Casita flattens the stairs into a slide)

KERMIT (voiceover): I’ve never been to a magical house before, but I’d call this unfair interference.

(Camilo, Sabrina, and Antonio slide down the stairs, but when they try to turn around, they crash right into a pillar)

CAMILO: Oof!

SABRINA: Oh, that smarts!

(Next clip: Chiho and Hugtan are sitting on a couch together)

HITOMU (offscreen, filming): Did you have fun on the Muppet Show?

CHIHO: Mummet!

HUGTAN: Hagyu!

HITOMU: Yeah? What was your favourite part?

CHIHO: Meep!

HUGTAN: Meep?

CHIHO: Me-me!

KERMIT (voiceover): The best thing about kids is their lack of a filter.

HITOMU: You remember dancing with the rats? Do you want to say hi to them?

CHIHO: No.

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(Last clip: Alice is riding a skateboard down a hill)

KERMIT (voiceover): Going….going…

(Alice attempts to do a kickflip and face plants into the ground nearby)

KERMIT (voiceover): …grass.

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

Segment 5 - Who Did It? Alice vs. Sophie

(INT. AUDITORIUM - Kermit stands next to a flatscreen. Alice and Sophie stand to his right, and the audience’s left)

KERMIT: Alrighty, it is time for us to play a game we call “Who Did It?”. And here we have two contestants, Mx. Alice Macro…

ALICE (deadpan): Sup.

KERMIT: And Miss Sophie Small!

SOPHIE (sweetly): Hello!

KERMIT: Two very different tweens, brought together by their shared fluffy white hair. Now you understand how this game works. I will describe a video for you, and you have to guess who’s the lucky star.

ALICE: Was that an anime reference?

KERMIT: A what?

ALICE: Never mind.

KERMIT: Okay, first round: In an attempt to build a snowman, this Muppet encased themselves inside a snowball.

(Alice and Sophie think)

SOPHIE: I’m thinking Gonzo.

ALICE: Yeah, that one has to be Gonzo.

KERMIT: You’re sure?

SOPHIE: Yes.

KERMIT: Okay, let’s roll the clip!

(The clip plays on the flatscreen. A snowball rolls towards a tree and crumbles on impact, revealing Gonzo inside)

KERMIT (voiceover): And it seems you were both correct!

(Alice flashes a “rock on” hand sign at the camera)

KERMIT: Alright, Round 2: This Muppet attempted to keep Crazy Harry from detonating an explosive with a bowl of pancake batter.

ALICE: Floyd.

SOPHIE: Floyd?

ALICE: He’s the wrangler guy, isn’t he?

SOPHIE: Well, I think it’s Robin. That just sounds like something he’d do.

KERMIT: Okay, and rolling.

(The clip plays on the flatscreen. Crazy Harry is holding a comically large detonator and laughing)

OFFSCREEN VOICE: Noo!

(As Crazy Harry pushes the lever, the Swedish Chef attempts to diffuse it by dumping a bowl of pancake batter on it. This obviously fails, and the ensuing explosion gets soot all over both of them)

ALICE: Come on!

SOPHIE: I-I heard the part about pancake batter, I thought that was a trick question!

ALICE: I just expected him to know better. Like, that’s a grown-ass man. With kids. God.

KERMIT: Okay, you two, last one; this Muppet was trying on a costume dress, but tripped over its lengthy skirt and tumbled down the stairs.

SOPHIE: Okay, that’s gotta be Miss Piggy.

ALICE: I don’t know, I think she’s been in the fashion business enough to not make that kind of mistake. I’m going with Janice.

(The clip plays on the flatscreen. Beauregard stands at the bottom of the stairs as a figure in a poofy dress begins to come down.)

BEAUREGARD: Look at that, that’s wonderful!

(The figure trips over the skirt and falls into Beauregard, revealing herself to be Annie Sue)

SOPHIE: Oh!

ALICE: Oh, come on, no one remembers Annie Sue, that one was just unfair.

KERMIT: Well, either way, thank you for participating in tonight’s show. We have a little something for you.

(Kermit is tossed something from off camera)

KERMIT: Muppet Show pins! Stick ‘em on your shirts, bags, or hats! Now, let’s get into some clips that are real sleeper hits.

Segment 6 - Sleep Pranks

(First clip: Floyd is asleep on the couch. Animal sneaks up on him with some cymbals, which he promptly crashes together, making Floyd jump)

ANIMAL: WAKE UP!!!

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(Next clip: The Swedish Chef’s wife Kirsten is asleep on his shoulder.)

SCOOTER (entering from the left): Hey, Chef?

SWEDISH CHEF: Yë?

(As Scooter distracts the Chef, Fozzie enters and hands Kirsten, who had been fake-sleeping, a scary mask, which she puts on)

KERMIT (voiceover): Don't you hate it when your wife turns into a demon?

(Once Scooter lets the Chef go, he turns back to his wife and yelps at the sight of her)

SCOOTER: Gotcha!

(Once the Swedish Chef realises what’s going on, he laughs along with Kirsten, Scooter, and Fozzie)

(Next clip: Beaker is pulling the classic Smack Cam prank; he puts shaving cream in Bunsen’s hand, then pokes at his face, making Bunsen smear the cream on his face)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Huh? (realises) Oh, you sly trickster, you!

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(Next clip: Kermit is lying in bed. Rizzo pops up from one side)

RIZZO: Hey Kermit.

(Rizzo disappears)

KERMIT: Huh?

(Yolanda pops up from the other side)

YOLANDA: Hey Kermit.

(Yolanda disappears)

KERMIT (sitting up): What is going on?

(Both Rizzo and Yolanda jump up and pounce on Kermit, knocking him off the bed)

KERMIT: Waugh!

(SFX CUE - A crash as Kermit falls. Laughter from the audience, then applause)

Segment 7 - Dancing

(INT. AUDITORIUM - The audience applauds as Kermit stands centre-stage)

KERMIT: Now, we’re getting to the end of our block, and around here, we’re a big fan of the classics, so we’d like to cap off our show with something fun, active, and musical; a dance party!

(A bunch of dancing clips are shown in succession; these include Gonzo doing the Stir the Porridge on a table, Fozzie falling flat on his face while trying to do the Charlie Brown, Miss Piggy doing a kick dance and kicking a prop clean off its table, Robin and Pepe hitting their heads together while doing a swing, and Rowlf getting down to the funky sound while Sam just watches, unimpressed.)

KERMIT (watching the audience): Well, don’t just sit there! Let’s get up and get a move on!

(MUSIC CUE - Bouncy dance music)

(The audience all get up from their seats and start to dance)

(INT. AUDITORIUM TABLES - Gonzo gets up on the table to stir the porridge once again. Meanwhile, the French Chef’s wife Nathalie pulls her into a step dance)

(INT. GUEST SEATS - Chiho poofs into Umai-chan and picks up Hugtan to dance in the air, which of course makes both Rosemary and Hana freak out)

(INT. AUDITORIUM STAGE - Amidst all the dancing, Miss Piggy makes her way to Kermit and gives him a big smooch.)

KERMIT: We’ll see you next time on the Muppet Show! Hopefully in our proper theatre!

(The credits roll, then we fade out into a television playing the show)

(INT. LIVING ROOM - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: So, was that better or worse than their usual stuff?

WALDORF: Who cares? At least they acknowledge how dumb they are!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Chapter Text

Segment 1 - Opening + Black Socks

(INT. BACKSTAGE - A knock at the door. Scooter enters; he is bundled into a green jacket with a red hat and scarf)

SCOOTER: Deborah Deer and Kitsune Fox? Eighteen seconds to curtain, Miss Deer, Mrs. Fox.

KITSUNE: Thank you, Scooter. 

DEBORAH (while brushing her hair): Boy, is it cold out today! This morning, when we were in the car on the way here, there was so much snow; for a second, I thought I was back in New Brunswick!

KITSUNE: (turns to Scooter) When it comes to snow, you never want to remind her of New Brunswick. 

(Scooter grimaces)

(INT. STAGE - The "The Muppet Show" slide. Kermit, dressed in a red hat and scarf, peeks out through the "O" in "Show")

KERMIT: It’s the Muppet Show, with our very special guests, Deborah Deer and Kitsune Fox! Yaaaaay!

(MUSIC CUE - The Muppets Show Theme)

(INT. STAGE - Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Thank you, and welcome! We're all very happy to have you here, especially on a night like this, with all the snow outside. Now, to kick off our show, we have a cosy camp song performed by our very own, Gonzo the Great! Yaaaaay!

(Kermit slides offscreen as the curtains open. Gonzo and a chorus of chickens are seated in a living room set with a lit fireplace)

(MUSIC CUE - A dinky ukulele tune)

GONZO: Black socks, they never get dirty, the longer you wear them, the stronger they get. Sometimes, I think I should wash them, but something keeps telling me, oh no not yet

(The chickens surround Gonzo)

GONZO: Black socks, they never get dirty

(The chickens begin to cluck along from the beginning of the song, all singing in rounds, until they're all repeating "Not yet" over and over again)

GONZO/CHICKENS: Not yet! (Cluck cluck!)

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: You know, Gonzo needs more socks than the average person. 

WALDORF: Yep; two for his feet, and one for his nose!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 2 - Miss Piggy: Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Kermit is on the phone)

KERMIT: Okay, thanks for the update. (hangs up) Beauregard, keep an eye on the doors. Kirsten's telling me that Chef’s held up in traffic. 

BEAUREGARD (as Kermit is going upstairs): No problem! 

KERMIT (to Bunsen): Alright, get a move on, you two, Muppet Labs is next.

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: (knocks on a door) Come along, Beaker, that’s our cue.

(Beaker emerges from behind the door, looking dishevelled and tired. He has visible eyelids, which are drooped down in a sad, pained expression)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: (gasp!) Why, Beakie, you look horrible!

BEAKER: (stumbling forward into Bunsen’s arms) Me-me…

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: You're very warm. Oh, Kermit!

(Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: What is it?

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: There’s something wrong with Beaker!

BEAKER (hoarse): Meep.

KERMIT: What do you mean, something's wrong? He seemed fine when he got here.

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: (to Kermit) I thought so too, until now! (to Beaker) Oh, look at you, you can hardly stand up straight! We can't do Muppet Labs like this!

KERMIT: What, do we need to cancel? Bunsen, I already have Lew having car trouble and Chef running late, don't tell me we've lost another act!

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: I'm sorry, Kermit, but I cannot, in good conscience, allow my partner to perform in this condition. 

KERMIT: (angry) Oh, for the love of- (pauses, takes a breath) It’s okay. It's okay, we'll just find someone to stall the audience until Deborah and Kitsune are ready.

MISS PIGGY (offscreen): Oh, Kermie!

(Miss Piggy enters from the left, up the stairs)

KERMIT: Oh, aren't you a sight for sore eyes. Look, Piggy, whatever it is you have in mind for the show tonight, go on stage and do it now! We need a filler act, and I don't have time to be picky!

MISS PIGGY: Oh! A whole scene of creative freedom just for moi? Why, Kermie, you're so generous!

KERMIT: Yes, yes, save the pleasantries! Just go out there and don’t make me regret asking you this favour!

(Miss Piggy quickly exits on the left, while Kermit and Bunsen try to keep Beaker upright)

(INT. STAGE - The curtains open to reveal Miss Piggy in a city environment. In the background, several Whatnot Muppets are dressed up in fancy clothes)

(MUSIC CUE - "You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile", originally from Annie)

MISS PIGGY (sweetly): Hey, painter man, hey, Dapper Dan, you've both got your style, but brother you're never fully dressed without a smile!

DAPPER WHATNOT: I'm not?! (despite being fully clothed, he covers himself and runs offstage)

MISS PIGGY (still sweetly): Your clothes may be Beau Brummelly, they stand out a mile, but brother you're never fully dressed without a smile!

CHILD WHATNOT: Who’s Beau Brummelly?

POSH WHATNOT: Like an old Louis Vuitton. 

MISS PIGGY (getting annoyed): Who cares what they're wearing on Main Street or Saville Row

(In the background, Beauregard has taken the place of the Dapper Whatnot)

MISS PIGGY: It’s what you wear from ear to ear and not from head to toe that…

ALL (in a glissando): Matters

MISS PIGGY (back to sweet): So, senator, so, janitor

(On "janitor", Beauregard begins to approach Miss Piggy)

MISS PIGGY (cont.): So long for a while

BEAUREGARD: (takes hands with Miss Piggy) Remember you're never fully dressed

MISS PIGGY: (shoves Beauregard away) Though you may wear the best, you're never fully dressed, with, out, a, smile!

WHATNOTS: Smile, smile

MISS PIGGY: Smile, (raises a fist) or I’ll sock ya!

(SFX CUE - The audience laughs incredulously at the random threat of violence and applauds)

(The curtains close)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

WALDORF: Never fully dressed without a smile, eh?

STATLER: If that's the case, then the two of us would have been imprisoned for public indecency years ago!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 3 - When the Snow Falls

(INT. STAGE - Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Alright, thank you, Miss Piggy! Okay, everybody, we may have had some delays and freak outs backstage, but now, we are finally able to bring out our guest stars, the intelligent and lovely Miss Deborah Deer and Mrs. Kitsune Fox, who will be leading us in a ballad that, hopefully, will make us appreciate this (hiding irritation) cold, heavy, piled-up everywhere snow. (beat) Ladies and gentlemen, Deborah and Kitsune! Yaaaaay!

(The curtains open. Deborah and Kitsune, wearing glittery white dresses, stand in a winter scene)

(MUSIC CUE - "When the Snow Falls")

DEBORAH: When the snow falls, I get the brightest shiver, like all of my troubles are gone

KITSUNE: Under the streetlights, that’s where the flakes glitter, like freckles on a newborn fawn

BOTH: Watch as they tumble on the sidewalk, blissfully leaving their mark. Soon in the morning, the storm will be gone, and we'll have a big blanket on the park

DEBORAH: When the snow falls, I long for your kiss, to chase my blues and my chills away

KITSUNE: Watching the grey clouds and endless winter makes me wish for a sunny day

DEBORAH/KITSUNE: But I know when the season's over, all we will want is it back, so we'll just have to bear all the frostbite and sniffles, and the longing for warmth that we lack

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

(Animal appears behind the two women)

ANIMAL: SNOWBALL FIGHT!

(Animal dumps snow onto them, making them yelp from the cold)

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: Was that song for or against winter?

WALDORF: Same as whether we're for or against this show; depends on how bad it is!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 4 - Backstage

(INT. DRESSING ROOM - Beaker has been laid down on a couch. Bunsen and Beauregard are with him.)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: He'll be alright, won't he? Oh, please tell me he'll be alright!

BEAUREGARD: He'll be alright.

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: How do you know?

BEAUREGARD (matter of fact): Hey, you asked me to tell you he'll be alright! I'm just doing what you said!

(Kermit enters the dressing room from the center-left)

KERMIT: Alright, how is he?

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Oh, he can hardly speak.

BEAKER (weakly): Meep.

KERMIT: Well, geez, we can’t call for a doctor or send him home in this weather. I don’t want to put any more people in danger than necessary. We’ll just keep an eye on him here until the storm clears.

BEAKER: Me- (coughing harshly; imagine a yowling cat trying to gargle saltwater and sing opera at the same time)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW (riddled with anxiety): Oh, my… Oh, Beakie, it'll be okay. (looks at the camera) I hope.

(Deborah and Kitsune enter the dressing room)

KITSUNE: What’s all the fuss about?

KERMIT: Oh, Kitsune. I'm sorry to inform you, but one of our performers has become very sick.

DEBORAH: What?

KITSUNE: Oh, may I see him? I'm a medic.

KERMIT: Oh yes, yes, I think you mentioned that in your application. Go ahead.

(The others clear away while Kitsune kneels down next to Beaker)

KITSUNE (gently): Hi there. I'm Kitsune. I'm here to help you. What's your name?

BEAKER: Me-me.

KITSUNE: Mimi?

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: No, no, that's just the way he speaks. His name is Beaker, but he also responds to Beakie. (fawning) Or Beakie-boo, or Beakie-kins…(he realizes he's getting off track) I'm sorry, ma'am, go on.

KITSUNE: Last name?

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Honeydew.

KITSUNE: I mean his last name.

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Yes, and I told you, it's Honeydew. 

KITSUNE: (she looks between the two, then notices the rings on their fingers) Oh. Of course. (clears throat) Now, I know you’re all worried, but I'm going to have to ask you to step out while I work with the patient.

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Oh. Um…alright. 

(Bunsen, Beauregard, Kermit, and Deborah exit the dressing room)

(INT. BACKSTAGE - The Swedish Chef enters from up the stairs, trying to pull his coat off. Animal watches from upstairs)

SWEDISH CHEF: Kermit! Ës vin de hůn de shnøwy shnøwy!

ANIMAL: CHEF GUY!

KERMIT: Chef! Finally!

SWEDISH CHEF: Ishva veěry slïïppy!

KERMIT: Look, I get it! The weather is bad and so are the roads! You're not in trouble for being late! Just get out there, you're on in fifteen seconds!

(The Swedish Chef yelps and makes a run for it, exiting on the right)

KERMIT: Let’s hope this goes well.

Segment 5 - Swedish Chef vs. French Chef: Hot Chocolate

(INT. KITCHEN - The Swedish Chef and the French Chef, both holding wooden spoons, stand behind a table, which carries a pot, a bowl, a kettle, a tin of chocolate powder, a metal spoon, and a mug.)

(MUSIC CUE - The Swedish Chef's Theme)

SWEDISH CHEF: Yeer been seer de run, de bish be du, yee borsh ka beer vis ka boon børk børk børk!

(The Swedish Chef throws the wooden spoons behind him. The French Chef watches the spoons go flying, and shakes her head at the Swedish Chef's antics)

SWEDISH CHEF: Ishva veery kööld oosïde tödåy, sù ve giita höty choccylot!

FRENCH CHEF: Pour couker la chaud chocolaté, vous besoiné le poudrá.

(The French Chef puts some chocolate powder into a mug. Meanwhile, the Swedish Chef puts the pot on the stove)

SWEDISH CHEF: Ishva bool de choccylot.

(The French Chef pours hot water from the kettle into the mug and mixes it with a metal spoon, while the Swedish Chef pours melted chocolate from the pot into the bowl.)

SWEDISH CHEF: Höty choccylot!

FRENCH CHEF: Je zinké que tu n'ą má comprîs pas.

(They each taste each other’s hot chocolate. They seem satisfied with the results…until they burn their tongues)

SWEDISH CHEF/FRENCH CHEF: Höty! Hout! (overlapping panicked gibberish)

(Steam pours from their ears, and they both fall over)

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: When will they ever learn?

WALDORF: When have they ever learned?

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 6 - Muppet Melodrama: Knight and Princess

(MUSIC CUE - Corny "mediaeval" music)

(INT. STAGE - A fairytale set. Wanda sits at the top of a tower, dressed as a princess. Wayne enters from the right, dressed as a knight)

WAYNE: The day has come that I rescue you from the tower, oh fair princess who brings light into my life!

(LIGHTING CUE: The lights flicker)

WANDA (ignoring this): Yes, indeed, my knight in shining armour, my days of imprisonment are finally over!

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Meanwhile, Kermit and Beauregard are fiddling with the breaker box)

BEAUREGARD: Now this should keep the lights on.

KERMIT: That’s good. (turns to the right) You two sure you can handle the stage controls?

(INT. WINGS - Gonzo and Animal are handling the controls)

GONZO: No problem, Kermit! (looking over the controls) Alright, now which one amplifies the sound…

(In an attempt to adjust the volume on Wayne and Wanda's mics, Gonzo turns up an abandoned mic in a dressing room by accident)

(INT. STAGE - Back to the melodrama)

WANDA: But how do I know you are worthy of my hand in marriage?

(Wayne is about to respond, when he's interrupting by the backstage mic)

(SFX CUE - Gross coughing; evidently, whichever dressing room this is, Beaker is there)

(INT. WINGS - Gonzo panics and fixes the mic setting)

(INT. STAGE - Wayne pretends that didn’t just happen)

WAYNE: Because, my love, I have the mark of a true hero!

(Wanda, distracted, mumbles, forgetting her line)

(INT. WINGS - Animal has a copy of their script)

ANIMAL: (clearly jumping ahead) YOU KISS NOW!

(INT. STAGE - Not wanting to argue with Animal, Wanda goes along with it)

WANDA: Oh, kiss me, oh brave one!

(Wanda bends over to kiss Wayne, but the windowsill of the tower breaks, sending both tumbling over)

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: Amazing!

WALDORF: You actually liked that?

STATLER: Of course; I got to watch those two numbskulls eat the floor!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 7 - Still Holding My Hand

(INT. STAGE - Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Alright, everyone, it's been a rather hectic night for us, and if you don't mind, I'd like to get a little sentimental. 

(MUSIC CUE - Gentle piano)

KERMIT: Y'see… family is very important to us here on the Muppet Show, and on nights like this, when it seems that every single thing that can go wrong has gone wrong, thinking of them is what keeps me going. Our Portias, our Emilys…

(INT. WINGS - Miss Piggy is surprised that Kermit mentioned her mother first, while Fozzie just looks sentimental)

KERMIT (offscreen): Our Robins, our Christinas. 

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Everyone is watching)

KERMIT (offscreen): Our Kirstens and Nathalies, our Nickys and Gabrielles.

(The Swedish Chef is overjoyed to be reminded of his wife and son, and puts an arm around the French Chef, who, for once, doesn't mind his presence)

(INT. STAGE - Back to Kermit)

KERMIT: Every single one of them is important, and everything we do on this show, we do it with their love in our hearts.

(Deborah and Kitsune enter)

KERMIT: Miss Deborah, Mrs. Kitsune, I'm sure you two both have families you love as well, don't you?

(MUSIC CUE - "Still Holding My Hand", originally from Roald Dahl's Matilda: The Musical )

DEBORAH: Of course. Some were with me right from the start, and others I went looking for. But all of them matter more than anything to me.

KITSUNE: I was sure that I would never escape the story I'd had written for me

(Kermit and Deborah go quiet, look at each other, and let her step forward)

KITSUNE: I couldn't find my way out, I couldn't see beyond the clouds that swirled around me

(INT. AUDIENCE - The audience watches in awe; Kitsune's husband Akio and sons, Ichiro and Keiji, is given specific focus)

KITSUNE (offscreen): Then one day I opened my eyes, and looked up to find that the sky had turned-

(INT. STAGE - Back to Kitsune; she waves her paws out)

KITSUNE: -Blindingly blue, and right by my side, there was you, quietly taking your stand, and you were holding my hand

DEBORAH: I believed that I, would never be able to rely on anybody else 

KERMIT (under Deborah): I believed that I would never find anybody else

DEBORAH: And I was sure that I would just have to learn to survive all by myself 

KERMIT (under Deborah): I was sure that I, would always be all by myself 

(INT. AUDIENCE - Brief crowd shot; Deborah's mother Trudy and siblings Margaret and David are given specific focus as she proudly watches her daughter sing)

(INT. STAGE - Deborah and Kermit sing together)

DEBORAH: And one day I opened my eyes 

KERMIT: I opened my eyes

DEBORAH: And looked up to find that the sky had turned-

DEBORAH/KERMIT: Blindingly blue!

DEBORAH/KERMIT/KITSUNE: And right by my side, there was you! Quietly taking a stand

DEBORAH: And you were holding my hand

(The other Muppets begin to trickle on stage)

MISS PIGGY: You were holding my hand!

FOZZIE (as he and Miss Piggy lift up Kermit): You were just there for me

MISS PIGGY/FOZZIE/KERMIT: Quietly taking a stand, changing the end of my story for me

(More Muppets enter as Kitsune and Deborah pull their partners from the audience onto the stage)

RIZZO/YOLANDA: You were there as I battled my fears

GONZO/SCOOTER: I fell and you helped me to stand

SWEDISH CHEF: Hin de stůrm finùlé pëek

FRENCH CHEF: Tù cé lą

ALL: You were still holding my hand! You are still holding my hand 

KITSUNE/AKIO: You kicked down the doors for me

FLOYD/JANICE: Kicked down the doors for me!

DEBORAH/SHELLINGTON: You helped me understand, there was another version of me

DEBORAH/SHELLINGTON/KITSUNE/AKIO: You were still holding my hand

ALL: You were just there for me, quietly taking a stand, changing the end of my story for me 

(INT. AUDIENCE - The audience begins to sing along)

ALL (including audience): You were still holding my hand

(INT. BALCONY - Even Statler and Waldorf get in on the closing number)

ALL (including Statler and Waldorf): You were just there for me

(INT. STAGE - Back to the main action)

ALL: Quietly taking a stand, changing the end of my story for me

(The couples on stage cozy up to each other. Bunsen, who is noticeably alone, is comforted by Beauregard. Finally, Deborah and Kitsune step forward and hug, like a mother and daughter)

DEBORAH/KITSUNE: You are still holding my hand

(The crowd goes wild! Everyone on stage is happy as they bow)

KERMIT: Thank you, everyone, for coming out tonight! And thank you to our wonderful guest stars, Miss Deborah Deer and Mrs. Kitsune Fox! Now, the only question is if we can all get outta here.

ANIMAL: ANIMAL CLEAR SNOW!

(Animal runs offstage. Kermit watches, then shrugs, as if to say "it's better than nothing") 

KERMIT: We’ll see you next time on the Muppet Show!

(Everyone starts to run after Animal as the credits roll)

STATLER: We better get a move on, before we're snowed in.

WALDORF: Maybe we should have taken Animal up on that snow clearing business. 

Chapter Text

Snow was still falling from the sky onto the sidewalk below, but the storm clouds had since softened into a gentle, floaty sort of sprinkle. Kermit woke up on a posh, yet cozy sofa, wrapped with a mink blanket. He hopped down to look outside at the weather. "Hm." He mused to no one in particular. "I've never seen this much snow this early in the year."

"Oh, Kermie, you're awake!" Miss Piggy entered the family room with two mugs of coffee. "You were out as soon as we got home."

"Well, after the night we had, can you blame me?" Kermit shook his head. "Sheesh."

Miss Piggy came over to watch the snow as well. "Such a beautiful winter scene," she cooed. "It's days like this that make me think of...white wedding dresses." 

Kermit patted Miss Piggy's hand on his shoulder. "One day, Piggy. One day."

"Yes, wouldn't it be nice to have matching white outfits?" Miss Piggy looked dreamy. "To represent the purity of our love."

Suddenly, the phone rang. Annoyed, Miss Piggy picked up. "Make it quick, Bernie, we're having a moment here!"

"Yeah." Kermit muttered. "Purity."

"Okay, ready? Let's go!" Gonzo sat on a sled, holding onto the ropes.

"OKAY! WE SLIDE NOW!" Animal pushed the sled along, then jumped onto the back of it as he and Gonzo went careening down a hill into a snowbank below.

"Haha! That was great!" Gonzo yelped as he dug himself out of the pillowy mounds. "I love snow days!"

Many say that there is no wonder in this world quite like that of a child. Kirsten Breiner certainly thought so, as she watched over young Nicholas while he counted the times that little chunks of snow fell from the cherry tree branches. 

Kirsten's husband Tom approached her and held onto her for a moment, the two enjoying each other's warmth and company, before he beckoned the family into the kitchen for breakfast; he had made hot oatmeal with cinnamon. "Ish vin de hoon de shnowy shnowy?" Nicholas asked, taking a spoonful.

"Ja, ja," Tom nodded along. "Vinter se hooming."

"Ve battin de girdins," mused Kirsten. "Protecty yon vinter."

One would normally expect a science laboratory to be a noisy environment, with sorts of humming and whirring all around. But this morning, Muppet Home Labs was eerily quiet. Beaker, still curled up in bed, shifted over and meeped in his sleep, reaching out to the other side of the bed. 

However, he felt nothing there. Opening his tired eyes, Beaker could see that Bunsen was gone. In fact, his side of the bed hadn't been touched at all. Curious, he picked up his robe off the hanger on the door to search the house for him.

In the hallway, Beaker coughed to clear a tickle in his throat. The previous night, he had been diagnosed with felt flu, a strain of influenza that exclusively affected Muppets. As such, he had been unable to do the scheduled Muppet Labs sketch. He supposed it was a blessing in disguise; he wasn't exactly keen on testing out a self-slicing knife.

Wandering around the house, Beaker eventually began to hear snoring coming from the testing room. Peeking his cylindrical head inside, he found Bunsen asleep at the desk, a few stray bottles of chemicals scattered nearby. What had he been doing? "Me-me?" He croaked.

"Huh?" Bunsen jolted awake, disoriented. "Oh, Beakie, what are you doing up?"

"Me-me-muh-me-me?" Beaker squeaked softly, trying not to push his vocal chords too much.

"What am I doing?" Bunsen adjusted his glasses. "Well, I've never heard of felt flu before, and I was trying to mix up some sort of cure...but it seems my exhaustion got the better of me."

Hearing his husband hack and wheeze, Bunsen abandoned the experiment altogether. "Oh, there, there, Beakie, sweet...come on, back to bed. We could both use some sleep."

Chapter Text

Segment 1 - Opening + Fred the Moose

(INT. BACKSTAGE - A knock at the door. Scooter enters)

SCOOTER: Micah Terranova? Twenty seconds to curtain, Miss Terranova.

(INT. DRESSING ROOM - Micah is doing some stretches)

MICAH: Thank you, Scooter.

(Once Scooter is gone, Walter enters from the left)

WALTER: Hey, uh…I’m Walter. I'm the new guy around here.

MICAH: Yeah? Good for you.

WALTER: I’m still pretty nervous…you’re pretty new around your job, when do you stop feeling anxious?

MICAH: Right around when you get a stupid nickname.

(Walter looks at the camera, as if to say “That didn’t help at all”)

(INT. STAGE - The “The Muppet Show” slide. Kermit, wearing an alien antenna headband, peeks out through the "O" in "Show")

KERMIT: It’s the Muppet Show, with our very special guest, Miss Micah Terranova! Yaaaaay!

(MUSIC CUE - The Muppets Show Theme)

(INT. STAGE - Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Thank you, thank you, and welcome aboard the Muppet Show! Now, we have a very spacey show for you tonight, and that’s because our guest star is the very talented space ranger Miss Micah Terranova!

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

KERMIT: Yes, but before we begin our intergalactic adventure, we have a little Earth ditty to start us off. May I present to you, a camp song performed by our local Frog Scouts! Yaaaaay!

(The curtains open to reveal a campfire backdrop. Robin and the Frog Scouts are gathered around the campfire)

(MUSIC CUE - Guitar plucking)

ROBIN: Once there was a moose

FROG SCOUTS: Once there was a moose

ROBIN: Who liked to drink a lot of juice

FROG SCOUTS: Who liked to drink a lot of juice

ROBIN: He was a great big moose

FROG SCOUTS: He was a great big moose

ROBIN: Who liked to drink a lot of juice

FROG SCOUTS: Who liked to drink a lot of juice

(The Frog Scout on the furthest left begins to pass a juice box through the line)

ROBIN: Now, his name was Fred

FROG SCOUTS: Now, his name was Fred

ROBIN: He liked to drink his juice in bed

FROG SCOUTS: He liked to drink his juice in bed

ROBIN: Yeah, his name was Fred

FROG SCOUTS: Yeah, his name was Fred

ROBIN: He liked to drink his juice in bed

FROG SCOUTS: He liked to drink his juice in bed

(The Frog Scouts begin to dance to the music)

ROBIN: He drank his juice with care

FROG SCOUTS: He drank his juice with care

ROBIN: But he spilled it in his hair

FROG SCOUTS: But he spilled it in his hair

ROBIN: He drank his juice with care

FROG SCOUTS: He drank his juice with care

ROBIN: But he spilled it in his hair

FROG SCOUTS: But he spilled it in his hair

(An actual moose appears behind them, holding a juice box)

ROBIN: Now there’s a sticky moose

FROG SCOUTS: Now there’s a sticky moose

ROBIN: Full of juice and on the loose

FROG SCOUTS: Full of- (they see the moose) AAAAAA!

(MUSIC CUE - Music stops abruptly)

(The Frog Scouts all run offstage as the moose approaches Robin)

MOOSE: Hey, bro. You want some fruit punch?

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

WALDORF: Now wait a minute, this is the second week in a row they’ve opened with a camp song.

STATLER: What choice do they have? Around here, everything’s camp!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 2 - Pigs in Space

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Kermit is using the intercom)

KERMIT: Alright, Pigs in Space on stage, please!

WALTER: Wow, these sets are really nice!

KERMIT: Oh, yes. After we got Pigs in Space running again, the Galactic Federation agreed to sponsor tonight’s show if we featured one of their members.

(Behind them, Beauregard slides the backdrop on stage)

WALTER: Very impressive. So, um, I’ve been trying my hand at writing out some sketches. I think you’ll really like this stuff.

GONZO (offscreen): Kermit! We’ve got a wardrobe disaster over here!

KERMIT: Oh. Uh…

WALTER: No, it’s fine, go help him. I can…wait.

KERMIT: Alright, great. I’ll be back. (he exits on the left)

WALTER: Yeah…wait.

(INT. PIGS IN SPACE BACKGROUND - Time to open the sketch)

ANNOUNCER: And now, Pigs In Spaaaaaaaaace!

(INT. SWINETREK - Captain Link, First Mate Piggy, and Dr. Strangepork are at the control panel)

ANNOUNCER: When we last saw the spaceship Swinetrek, they had blasted across the galaxy for a planetary visit.

DR. STRANGEPORK: Now, you all understand the purpose of our mission, correct? 

CAPTAIN LINK: Indeed, we’re going to search for arguably the most beautiful woman in the history of Greece, possibly the world…Venus.

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

DR. STRANGEPORK (incredulous): First of all, Venus is Roman.

FIRST MATE PIGGY: We’re going to the planet Venus, you knucklehead!

CAPTAIN LINK (as if this is a massive revelation): …Oh.

DR. STRANGEPORK: We should be landing very shortly.

FIRST MATE PIGGY: How? Venus is a gaseous planet, isn’t it?

CAPTAIN LINK: Why does that matter? We keep antacids in the medical kit.

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(First Mate Piggy looks at the camera, as if to say “Look what I have to put up with”)

(SFX CUE - Banging on the door)

DR. STRANGEPORK: What? There is life around here?

CAPTAIN LINK: Oh, wonderful; if any planet should have its own life, I’d hope it’d be this one. (shoots the camera a smug look)

(First Mate Piggy goes to open the door. On the other side is “Venus”, a.k.a Gonzo in a blonde wig and white toga)

“VENUS”: Hey, baby. Care for some clam chowder? (holds up a shell)

FIRST MATE PIGGY: Call me “baby” again and you’ll learn just how fast a blunt object passes through a gaseous planet.

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(Gonzo’s eyes widen and he scurries offstage)

ANNOUNCER: Tune in next week for the dramatic, possibly violent continuation of Pigs in Spaaaaaace!

(SFX CUE - Applause)

Segment 3 - Dancing in the Stars

(INT. STAGE - Fading transition from the previous scene; Kermit enters from the left, now dressed in a spacesuit)

KERMIT: Okay, thank you, thank you! Now, we are about to land at the main attraction of tonight’s show. You may have heard of Dancing with the Stars before; well, we’re about to show you what it’s like to dance in the stars! Presenting our sparkling chorus, alongside our very special guest, Micah Terranova! Yaaaaay!

(Kermit exits on the left as the curtains open. On the stage is a moon backdrop. The Whatnot Chorus are all dressed in star costumes.)

(MUSIC CUE - Funk music)

(The Whatnots begin to shimmy)

WHATNOT #1 (rapping): Alright, we’ve got stars all over the sky, no need to ask why, we’re too busy dancin’ our hearts away, all through the day, nobody gotta say that we gotta stop, baby!

(The Whatnots do a swing dance)

WHATNOT #2 (rapping): Listen up, watch how we shine, if I hear you whine, I’m coming down and showin’ you what we got, never gonna stop, cause I’m much too hot to be givin’ up, baby!

(Micah appears in a glittery white bodysuit)

MICAH: Alright, let me show you how it’s done.

(Micah takes centre stage to begin her dance. After orienting herself to the music, she starts with a cartwheel, into an aerial front flip, into a Ce Kong Fan cartwheel jump)

(The Whatnots all barely shimmy along as they watch Micah continue her routine. Micah does two frontal cartwheels, a pointe pirouette, and ends in the splits)

(SFX CUE - Massive applause from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: Amazing! I’ve never seen talent like that on this show before!

WALDORF: I’ve never seen talent on this show, period!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 4 - Backstage + Waiting on a Miracle

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Kermit is on the phone)

KERMIT: Oh, that’s great! I’ll be seeing you then!

(Kermit hangs up as Walter enters from the right)

WALTER: Who was that?

KERMIT: Oh, that was Bunsen. Now that Beaker’s feeling better, they’ll be able to make next week’s show.

WALTER: Oh, great! (changing the topic) So, about this idea I had-

(Scooter enters from the right)

SCOOTER: Kermit, you’re on for the Talk Spot.

KERMIT: Okay, I’ll be there in a minute. (turns to Walter) Sorry about that.

WALTER: (shaking his head) It’s fine. I know show business can be hectic sometimes.

KERMIT: I'll be with you after the show, okay? 

WALTER: Oh, yeah, yeah. …Sure.

(MUSIC CUE - “Waiting on a Miracle”, originally from Encanto)

(Walter watches Kermit exit, then looks to the floor and sighs)

WALTER: Don’t be upset, or mad at all

(Cut to an over-the-shoulder shot, where Walter watches the lights go up on stage, where Kermit and Pepe are ready for their Talk Spot)

WALTER: Don’t feel regret, or sad at all

(Back to the previous style of shot)

WALTER: Hey, I’m still in the Muppet family after all. See, it’s fine, I am totally fine. I will stand on the side as you shine…

(LIGHTING CUE - The lights go soft and turn colours, signalling that we’re going into Walter’s imagination)

WALTER: I’m not fine, I’m not fine

(He begins to walk by various illusions of the other Muppets to represent the lyrics; in order, Miss Piggy, Janice, Kermit, and Gonzo)

WALTER: I can’t move the mountains, I can’t make the flowers bloom. I can’t hide another night in a dressing room, waiting on a miracle. I can’t heal what’s broken, I can’t turn a hurricane into gentle rain. Can’t keep down the unspoken invisible pain, always waiting on a miracle, a miracle

(EXT. STREETS - Walter steps outside, taking an umbrella with him)

WALTER: Always walking alone, always wanting for more, like I’m still at that door, longing to shine, like all of you shine

(Walter stops and looks up at the “Muppet Theatre” sign)

WALTER: All I need is a change

(Close up on Walter)

WALTER: All I need is a chance

(EXT. WALTER’S IMAGINATION - Walter sees Kermit on a stage)

WALTER: All I know is I can’t stay on the side! Open your eyes!

(Walter circles around Imaginary Kermit)

WALTER: Open your eyes!

(Walter grabs Imaginary Kermit’s shoulders)

WALTER: Open your eyes!

(The stage disappears as Walter begins to dance with a flurry of fireflies)

WALTER: I would move the mountains, make new trees and flowers grow! Someone please just let me know, where do I go? Cause I’m waiting on a miracle, a miracle!

(Walter throws back firefly curtains to find a new stage, where the other Muppets are waiting for him)

WALTER: I would heal what’s broken, show the whole world something new! Who I am inside, so what can I do? I’m sick of waiting on a miracle, so here I go!

(EXT. THEATRE ROOF - In the next cut, Walter is on the roof)

WALTER: I am ready! Come on, I’m ready!

(LIGHTING CUE - Fireworks during the above line)

WALTER: I’ve been patient and steadfast and steady! (he looks at the sky) Can you hear me, I need you far more than you know! Can you grant me a miracle?!

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Walter snaps back to reality.)

(LIGHTING CUE - Back to normal lighting)

WALTER: Is there such thing as a miracle?

Segment 5 - Talk Spot

(INT. STAGE - Sofas are set up for a Talk Spot. Kermit sits on one side, and Pepe sits on the other)

KERMIT: Hi-ho, everybody, and welcome to the Talk Spot. Today, we’re here to debate whether or not there is life in outer space. Now I personally believe there could be some sort of living organism on another planet.

PEPE: Wait, hold on, are we talking about aliens? Cause I definitely think aliens are real, okay.

KERMIT: Oh. Well, I suppose it’s hard to debate something when you already agree on it. Here, we’ll switch to just a discussion.

PEPE: Okay, great. So one time, I tells you, I was sittin’ in the yard, looking at the stars, okay, and I see this biiiig thingy up there. I kept watching it, and then that night, I had this dream, okay.

KERMIT: Really? What kind of dream?

PEPE: Well, Kermin, I saw this green lady. Boy, was she ever a beaut. Okay, so she was talkin’ to me, and she told me she was an alien, and that she could come back to Earth if I put on a good show.

KERMIT: Oh, is that what inspired you to come home from Nashville and return to the Muppet Show?

PEPE: Oh, yeah, it was, I was really into her, okay.

KERMIT: You know, I started this Talk Spot hoping to talk about plant life, or some other microorganisms on other planets. I wasn’t expecting to hear about alien girlfriends.

PEPE: Hey, hey, just because you’re happy with your pig lady doesn’t mean everybody’s got the same taste, okay.

(Kermit scrunches his face)

(LIGHTING CUE - Blackout; time for a commercial break)

Segment 6 - Gonzo vs. Gravity

(LIGHTING CUE - Lights back up)

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Gonzo is preparing for a stunt)

GONZO: Okay, everything is in order. I am ready to defy gravity. 

MICAH: And how are you going to do that?

GONZO: Ah- a magician never reveals their secrets. Ooh, do you think people will be talking about this one for years to come?

MICAH: I know my troop will be talking about that ugly jumpsuit for that long.

(SFX CUE - Drumroll)

GONZO: That’s my cue! Gotta go! (runs off to the right)

(INT. STAGE - Gonzo arrives on stage)

GONZO: Good evening, visitors from Earth! Today, I will demonstrate outer space’s most famous attribute; zero gravity!

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

GONZO: Ready…set…go!

(The fans set up around the stage turn on, and Gonzo jumps into the air. The wind from the fans keep him suspended in the air, much to the audience’s surprise)

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Kermit and Walter are watching the stunt)

KERMIT: Are you sure the fans are all in order?

WALTER: I tested them all before the show started.

(INT. STAGE - Gonzo tries to show off by doing a swimming motion in the air, only to lose his place in the sweet spot and fall over, knocking the fans down as he goes. He pulls himself back out)

GONZO: Ta daaa… (falls back over)

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

WALDORF: Idina Menzel he ain’t.

STATLER: He should take his anti-gravity talk and let it go!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 7 - A Dream is a Wish

(INT. STAGE - Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Okay, thank you, everyone! Now, as we return back to Earth, our special guest would like to perform for you, a classic from the days before space travel was as advanced as it is today. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Micah Terranova.

(Kermit exits on the left. The curtains open to reveal Micah on the other side, dressed in a dapper suit.)

(MUSIC CUE - “A Dream is a Wish”, originally from Disney’s Cinderella)

MICAH: A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you’re fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartache, whatever you wish for, you keep

(INT. WINGS - Walter is watching Micah’s performance)

MICAH (offscreen): Have faith in your dreams and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through

(INT. STAGE - Side shot of Micah)

MICAH: No matter how your heart is grieving

(She looks over at Walter)

MICAH: If you keep on believing

(She extends a hand)

MICAH: The dream that you wish will come true

(Surprised, Walter exits the wing and comes to stand beside Micah)

MICAH: A dream is a wish your heart makes

WALTER: When you’re fast asleep

MICAH: In dreams, you will lose your heartache

WALTER: Whatever you wish for, you keep

MICAH/WALTER: Have faith in your dreams and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through

MICAH: No matter how your heart is grieving

WALTER: If you keep on believing

MICAH/WALTER: The dream that you wish will come true

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

(The curtains close. Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: And we’ve landed! Welcome back to solid ground, everybody, and thank you for coming out to our show! Let’s give one more round of applause to our special guest, Micah Terranova!

(The audience applauds as Micah emerges from behind the curtains)

MICAH: So tell me, Kermit, if this was a space adventure, how were we all breathing without helmets?

KERMIT: Oh, you know…Muppet magic. (winks)

(Pepe enters from the right)

PEPE: Cause we didn’t actually go anywhere, okay, silly girl?

MICAH: I was being sarcastic, dumbass.

PEPE: ...I knew that.

KERMIT: We’ll see you next time on the Muppet Show!

(The other Muppets mob Micah as the credits roll)

STATLER: Was that show extraterrestrial?

WALDORF: It was only extra boring!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Chapter Text

Segment 1 - Opening + Electric Mayhem: Brahms’ Lullaby

(INT. DRESSING ROOM - A knock at the door. Scooter enters)

SCOOTER: Oh, Seraphina? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Seraphina.

(Cut to full interior; Seraphina is seated at a table, with a small gaggle of rats sitting around)

SERAPHINA: Thank you, Scooter.

SCOOTER: So, is it true that you come from a place called the Universe Kingdom?

SERAPHINA: Of course. I don’t blame you for not being sure; the knowledge isn’t exactly universal. (winks)

(The rats laugh and mug for the camera)

(INT. STAGE - The “The Muppet Show” slide. Kermit peeks out through the "O" in "Show")

KERMIT: It’s the Muppet Show, with our very special guest, the fairy Seraphina! Yaaaaay!

(MUSIC CUE - The Muppets Show Theme)

(INT. STAGE - Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Okay, thank you, everyone, and welcome to the latest instalment of the Muppet Show! Now, we have a very magical performance in store for you tonight, and that is because our guest star is the travelling fairy, Seraphina!

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

KERMIT: Yes, indeed, tonight is going to be a very sophisticated evening! As such, we will be beginning with a soft rock cover of Brahms’ Lullaby, performed by our very own Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.

(Kermit moves offstage as the curtains open, revealing the Electric Mayhem on the other side. Dr. Teeth has his keyboard, Janice and Floyd have their guitars, and Animal has his drums)

(MUSIC CUE - “Brahms’ Lullaby”, originally performed by Johannes Brahms)

DR TEETH: Lullaby, and good night, with pink roses bedight

FLOYD: With lilies overhead, is my baby’s sweet head

ANIMAL: LAY THEE DOWN NOW AND REST! MAY THY SLUMBER BE BLESSED!

JANICE: Lay thee down now and rest, may thy slumber be blessed

(Brief instrumental break)

DR. TEETH: Lullaby, and good night, your mother’s delight

ANIMAL: SHINING ANGELS BESIDE MY DARLING ABIDE!

FLOYD: Soft and warm is your bed, close your eyes and rest your head

JANICE: Soft and warm is your bed, close your eyes and rest your head

(Brief instrumental break)

FLOYD/JANICE: Lay thee down now and rest, may thy slumber be blessed. Soft and warm is your bed, close your eyes and rest your head

(SFX CUE - “Awww”s from the audience)

(As Floyd and Janice nuzzle together, the camera pulls back to show Animal fast asleep at the drums)

(INT. BALCONY - Stalter and Waldorf)

STATLER: You call that a lullaby? It kept me wide awake!

WALDORF: Typical Muppets; even when they try to give us what we want, they fail!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 2 - Annie Sue: A Thousand Years

(INT. BACKSTAGE - The Electric Mayhem shuffle backstage; Floyd and Janice are dragging Animal with them)

KERMIT: Alright, very good, Mayhem.

DR. TEETH: Yeah, I’m pretty proud of that one. Shame it couldn’t include a brass section.

KERMIT: Oh, yeah, about that; do you have any idea where Zoot and Lips have been these past few months?

DR. TEETH: Not a clue; they won’t return any of my messages.

KERMIT: (shakes his head) I’m sure they’ll turn up eventually. (into the intercom) Alright, Annie Sue on stage, please!

DR. TEETH: (while Annie Sue enters the stage behind him) I hope they do; without them, the Electric Mayhem is missing the compass that guides them through this twisted maze we call life.

(Dr. Teeth exits on the left; Kermit just watches, a little confused)

(INT. STAGE - The curtains open, revealing Annie Sue in a frilly pink dress. Rowlf is seated at the piano nearby)

(MUSIC CUE - “A Thousand Years”, originally performed by Christina Perri)

ANNIE SUE: Heart beats fast, colours and promises, how to be brave, how can I love when I’m afraid to fall, but watching you stand alone

(INT. AUDIENCE - A pig girl named Hamantha is watching Annie Sue, enamoured)

ANNIE SUE (cont. from offscreen): All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

HAMANTHA (quietly): One step closer

(INT. STAGE - Back to Annie Sue. Rowlf begins to hum along underneath her singing)

ANNIE SUE: I have died every day waiting for you, darling don’t be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years, I’ll love you for a thousand more

(INT. WINGS - Kermit and Miss Piggy are watching Annie Sue from offstage)

MISS PIGGY: She isn’t half bad.

(INT. STAGE - Back to Annie Sue)

ANNIE SUE: Time stands still, beauty in all she is

ANNIE SUE/ROWLF: I will be brave

ANNIE SUE: I will not let anything take away what’s standing in front of me, every breath, every hour has come to this. One step closer…

(INT. AUDIENCE - Hamantha)

HAMANTHA (quietly): I have died every day waiting for you

(INT. STAGE - Back to Annie Sue)

ANNIE SUE: Darling don’t be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years

(INT. AUDIENCE - Hamantha)

HAMANTHA: I’ll love you for a thousand more

(The camera pulls out to show the full audience enjoying Annie Sue’s performance)

ANNIE SUE (offscreen): And all along I believed I would find you, time has brought your heart to me

(INT. STAGE - Back to Annie Sue)

ANNIE SUE: I have loved you for a thousand years, I’ll love you for a thousand more

(INT. BACKSTAGE - During the instrumental break, various Muppets are put at ease by the music. Bunsen and Beaker, who are back in commission, snuggle up to each other)

(INT. STAGE - The chorus is about to begin for the last time)

ROWLF: One step closer

ANNIE SUE: One step closer…

(Annie Sue stops, as she can hear Hamantha singing along)

HAMANTHA: I have died every day waiting for you, darling don’t be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years, I’ll love you for a thousand more

ANNIE SUE: (reaching out to Hamantha) And all along, I believed I would find you

(The audience pushes Hamantha forward; Annie Sue pulls her on stage)

ANNIE SUE: Time has brought your heart to me, I have loved you for a thousand years

ANNIE SUE/HAMANTHA: I’ll love you for a thousand years

(MUSIC CUE - The music quiets down)

ANNIE SUE: I’m Annie.

HAMANTHA: I’m Hamantha.

(When the music stops, the audience breaks into applause)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

WALDORF: It’s songs like that that make me believe in love at first sight.

STATLER: A thousand agreements.

Segment 3 - How to Save a Life

(INT. STAGE - The curtains are drawn. Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Okay, thank you, Annie Sue and her unexpected partner! Now, we welcome our special guest star, the lovely guardian angel with a foot in each and every world; ladies and gentlemen, Miss Seraphina of the Universe Kingdom.

(Kermit exits on the left as the curtains open. Seraphina, dressed in a midnight-blue evening gown, is on stage with a microphone. Behind her is a little pond, where Robin is seated)

(MUSIC CUE - “How to Save a Life”, originally performed by The Fray)

SERAPHINA: Step one, you say we need to talk. He walks, you say ‘sit down, it’s just a talk’. He smiles politely back at you, you stare politely right on through

(In the background, Robin is solemnly gazing into the pond)

SERAPHINA: Some sort of window to your right, as he goes left and you stay right. Between of lines of fear and blame, you begin to wonder why you came

(A fish pops out of the pond to listen to the song)

SERAPHINA: Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness, and I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life

FISH: Aw…

ROBIN: It’s okay. I’m sure she knows now.

SERAPHINA: Let him know that you know best, cause after all, you do know best. Try to slip past his defence, without granting innocence

(A turtle appears from behind the rock Robin is sitting on to listen)

SERAPHINA: Lay down a list of what is wrong, the things you’ve told him all along. Pray to Gwen, she hears, and I pray to Gwen she hears you

(Robin, the fish, and the turtle all bop along to the music)

SERAPHINA: Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness, and I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life

TURTLE: I sure wish I knew how to save a life…

SERAPHINA: As he begins to raise his voice, you lower yours and grant him one last choice. Fly until you lose the road, or break with the ones you’ve followed. He will do one of two things, he will admit to everything, or he’ll say he’s not the same, and you’ll begin to wonder why you came

SERAPHINA/ROBIN/FISH/TURTLE: Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness, and I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life. Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness, and I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life

SERAPHINA: How to save a life

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: Tell me, Waldorf, do you know how to save a life?

WALDORF: Are you kidding? I’m wasting the one I have!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 4 - Backstage

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Kermit is on the phone)

KERMIT: Alright, that works. See you then.

(Kermit hangs up as Fozzie approaches him)

FOZZIE: Hey, who was that?

KERMIT: Oh, it’s next week’s act. They’re a group.

FOZZIE: Oh, okay, neato. That should be fun.

(Behind them, Gonzo goes upstairs to Seraphina’s dressing room)

(INT. DRESSING ROOM - Seraphina is fixing up some makeup)

(SFX CUE - Knocking)

SERAPHINA: Come in. 

(Gonzo enters)

GONZO: So, uh, miss; I hear that Universe Kingdom fairies can travel through the multiverse and bring new people with them. Is that true?

SERAPHINA: Why, of course, would you like me to show you?

GONZO: Oh, yes, please!

(Seraphina opens up a portal. After speaking into it for a little bit, she takes a hand and pulls Mana Aida out from the other side)

GONZO: Wowzers, that’s incredible!

SERAPHINA: Anything is possible when you’re a universe fairy.

MANA: Oh, wow, so this is the set of the Muppet Show?

GONZO: Indeed it is, my dear! I am the Great Gonzo, stuntman extraordinaire, and you are?

MANA: Oh, my name is Mana.

(Mahna Mahna appears out of nowhere)

MAHNA MAHNA: MAHNA MAHNA!

(Mahna Mahna disappears. Gonzo, Mana, and Seraphina look confused)

Segment 5 - Snow White and the Seven Rats

(INT. STAGE - The curtains are drawn)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentleman, from Muppet Classic Theatre, we present Snow White and the Seven Rats .

(The curtains open, revealing Miss Piggy in a black wig on the other side, surrounded by seven rats wearing elf hats)

(MUSIC CUE - Gentle, old-timey music)

(Miss Piggy vocalises, and the rats repeat after her)

MISS PIGGY: Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

RATS: Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

MISS PIGGY: Ah-ah

RATS: Ah-ah

MISS PIGGY: Ah, ah-ah, ah-ah

RATS: Ah, ah-ah, ah-ah

MISS PIGGY: Ah-ah-ah-ah

RATS: Ah-ah-ah-ah

(Miss Piggy picks up Yolanda)

(MUSIC CUE - A record needle scratch, then the music switches to Cinderella , originally performed by the Cheetah Girls)

MISS PIGGY: I don’t wanna be like Snow White waiting for a handsome prince to come and save me

YOLANDA: On a horse of white, unless we’re riding side by side

MISS PIGGY/YOLANDA: Don’t wanna depend on no one else, I’d rather rescue myself!

RATS: Girlboss!

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: What’s a horsafwy?

WALDORF: They said “horse. of. white”. Turn your hearing aid up!

STATLER: No, I don’t know what a herinay is either.

(Waldorf looks at the camera and scrunches his face)

Segment 6 - Sam’s Editorial: Rock Music

(INT. STAGE - Sam’s podium. Sam is standing behind it)

SAM: Good evening, everyone. Today’s editorial is about the effects of rock music on the general public. It seems that a common theme of this genre is rebellion against ‘the man’. Exactly who this man is isn’t quite clear.

(Rizzo enters from the right wearing a black leather jacket)

SAM: Excuse me, Mr. Rizzo, but your act has already ended.

RIZZO: Yeah, I know; I’m back in black!

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

SAM (electing to ignore that): Rock music may also promote the idea of fighting and anarchy as a form of protest. In these contentious times, us Americans need to be working together peacefully to achieve such goals.

SCOOTER (offscreen): You know we’re not all Americans, right?

(Sam looks to the left, annoyed, before continuing with the lecture)

SAM: Additionally, this music may bring to the youth’s attention, ideas and imagery associated with the occult.

(A tiny, adorable demon Muppet creeps up behind Sam)

SAM: And certainly, that is not something we want to be advertising to our children.

DEMON: Hewwo.

(Sam turns around, sees the demon, and promptly passes out)

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: Oh, come on, those complaints are older than we are!

WALDORF: Well, you know the difference between wine and milk; only one ages well.

STATLER: Are you insinuating that we are wine, or milk?

WALDORF: Never mind.

Segment 7 - What a Wonderful World

(INT. STAGE - The curtains are closed. Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Oookay. Well, as our night draws to a close, we have one last act for you to celebrate the beautiful world that we all live in. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Seraphina of the Universe Kingdom.

(As the curtains open, Kermit backs into the group of dancers, who begin a slow dance)

(MUSIC CUE - “What a Wonderful World”, originally performed by Louis Armstrong)

SERAPHINA: I see trees of green, red roses too. I see them bloom for me and you, and I think to myself…what a wonderful world

(The Muppets twirl around her)

SERAPHINA: I see skies of blue and clouds of white. The bright blessed days, and the dark sacred nights, and I think to myself…what a wonderful world

(The camera focuses on Kermit and Miss Piggy)

MISS PIGGY: The colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky

KERMIT: Are also on the faces of the people going by

(The focuses switches to Annie Sue and Hamantha)

ANNIE SUE: I see friends shaking hands, saying ‘how do you do’

HAMANTHA: They’re really saying ‘I love you’

SERAPHINA: I hear babies cry, I watch them grow. They’ll learn much more than I’ll ever know, and I think to myself, what a wonderful world. Yes, I think to myself…

ALL: What a wonderful world

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

KERMIT: And what a wonderful show! Let’s give another big round of applause to our special guest star, Miss Seraphina!

(Seraphina bows as the audience continues to applaud)

KERMIT: You know, I think this is the first show we’ve had in a while that didn’t devolve into a train wreck at some point!

SERAPHINA (warmly): It’s Queen Gwendolyn’s blessing.

(Animal pops up out of nowhere)

ANIMAL: GOOD NIGHT!

KERMIT: That’s right, Animal! Good night, everybody, and we’ll see you next week on the Muppet Show! Yaaaaaay!

(The credits roll)

STATLER: You know what I consider a wonderful world?

WALDORF: Yup; one where we can go to a good show every week!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Chapter Text

Segment 1 - Opening + Footloose

(INT. DRESSING ROOM - A knock at the door. Scooter enters)

SCOOTER: Alright, can I get a final head count on you critters?

(The full interior is shown; the core cast of Fraggle Rock is scurrying about, playing with various items in the dressing room)

GOBO: One, two, three, four, five. That’s all of us.

WEMBLEY: So this is the Muppet Show?

RED: Wait, if we’re Muppets, doesn’t that mean we’re always on a Muppet Show?

(The two of them look at the camera with questioning expressions)

(INT. STAGE - The “The Muppet Show” slide. Kermit peeks out through the "O" in "Show")

KERMIT: It’s the Muppet Show, with our very special guest, the cast of Fraggle Rock ! Yaaaaay!

(MUSIC CUE - The Muppets Show Theme)

(INT. STAGE - Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Thank you, thank you, and welcome to a bumpin’ and a-jumpin’ instalment of the Muppet Show! And have we got an energised show for you tonight, because our guest stars are those funky little Fraggles from down at Fraggle Rock!

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

KERMIT: Yes, and to start us off, our core cast would like you to get up off of those seats and cut footloose!

(MUSIC CUE - “Footloose”, originally performed by Kenny Loggins)

(The curtains open and various Muppets come on stage)

(LIGHTING CUE - Disco lights go up)

KERMIT: Been working so hard, I’m punching my card

FOZZIE: Eight hours, for what? Oh, tell me what I’ve got

KERMIT/FOZZIE: I’ve got this feeling that time’s just holding me down. I’ll hit the ceiling…

ALL: Or else I’ll tear up this town! So now I gotta cut loose! Footloose! Kick off the Sunday shoes!

KERMIT: Jump in, Robin! Pull me off of my shins!

ROBIN: Go free, Piggy! Come on before we flee!

ALL: Lose your blues! Everybody cut footloose!

ANIMAL: FOOTLOOSE! FOOTLOOSE! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

MISS PIGGY: You’re playing so cool, obeying every rule

GONZO: Deep way down in your heart, you’re burning, yearning for

MISS PIGGY/GONZO: Somebody to tell you that life ain’t passing you by! I’m trying to tell you…

ALL: It will if you don’t even try! You’ll get by if you’d only cut loose! Footloose! Kick off the Sunday shoes! 

SCOOTER: Whee-ooh, Annie Sue! Shake it for me and you!

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW/BEAKER: Whoa (whoa), Gonzo (Me-mo)! Come on, come on, let’s go! (Me-mo!)

ALL: Lose your blues! Everybody cut footloose!

(During the instrumental break, the cast does a fast-paced line dance)

ALL: Footloose! Kick off the Sunday shoes!

ROWLF: Kick it, Kermit! Show ‘em you've still got it!

ANNIE SUE: Don’t miss, Janice! Show the world true bliss!

ALL: Lose your blues! Everybody cut footloose! Footloose! Kick off the Sunday shoes!

(INT. AUDIENCE - As the Muppets continue scat-singing the last few bars of the song, the audience dances along rapidly)

ALL: Footloose!

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

(INT. STAGE - The Muppets are out of breath from dancing and all fall down)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: Have you ever wanted to get footloose?

WALDORF: Nope; I value walking too much!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 2 - Swedish Chef vs. French Chef: Onion Soup

(INT. BACKSTAGE - The Muppets crawl backstage)

KERMIT (into the intercom): Both Chefs, on stage, please.

(Red enters from the left. Behind them, Beauregard moves some props on stage)

RED: Tell me, Kermit, do you get that crazy at every show?

KERMIT: Uh, usually not this early. We try to keep up some level of professionalism around here.

RED: I think you should cut loose more often. You have more fun that way.

KERMIT: Uh huh. (looks at the camera) Maybe.

(INT. KITCHEN - The Swedish Chef, holding a pot lid, and the French Chef are behind the counter. A pot is between them, and a bag of onions sits to the French Chef’s left)

(MUSIC CUE - The Swedish Chef’s Theme)

SWEDISH CHEF: Yëarn de hearn berin he dish be do, ye bjorn de ru dinké do, børk børk børk!

(The Swedish Chef throws the pot lid behind him, which lands in the sink. The French Chef gives him a split second death glare before continuing with the demonstration)

FRENCH CHEF: De jour, on couker la oignon soupe.

(The French Chef stirs the contents with a wooden spoon)

FRENCH CHEF: Tres hout.

(The Swedish Chef attempts a taste test, but the French Chef smacks his hand away)

FRENCH CHEF (angry): Non touche! (back to neutral) Maintenant, on adde le oignon epicee.

(The French Chef begins to add spice to the soup. The Swedish Chef notices a bag nearby and picks it up. He realises that it’s the onion spice, and the French Chef really has ghost pepper spice)

SWEDISH CHEF: Uh, Clara-

FRENCH CHEF: N'appelle pas moi Clara.

(The soup puffs steam from the intense heat; the French Chef takes the full brunt of it and yelps. She falls over, while the Swedish Chef moves the pot to the counter to cool. When the French Chef pulls herself back up, the Swedish Chef looks at her, smacks her hand, and exits the stage on the left)

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

WALDORF: They’re going to set the theatre on fire one of these days.

STATLER: The blonde’s already burnt her brains out!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 3 - Never Gonna Give You Up

(INT. STAGE - Kermit enters from the left with a program sheet)

KERMIT: Is this correct?

SCOOTER (from offscreen): They insisted on it, boss.

KERMIT: Okay…uh, ladies and gentlemen, we would now like to present to you, our very own Fraggles, who will be performing “Never Gonna Give Me Up” by Rick Astley. I never suspected 80s pop was so popular underground, but nevertheless, that’s what they picked.

(Kermit exits on the left as the curtains open)

(MUSIC CUE - Kermit already said it, I don’t need to repeat myself)

(The Fraggles dance disco)

GOBO: We’re no strangers to love, you know the rules, and so do I

WEMBLEY: A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of, you wouldn’t get this from any other guy

RED: I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling, gotta make you understand

(LIGHTING CUE - The lights change through all the colours of the rainbow)

ALL: Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you! Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!

MOKEY: We’ve known each other for so long, your heart’s been aching but you’re too shy to say it

GOBO: Inside we both know what’s been going on, we know the game and we’re gonna play it

WEMBLEY: Aaaaand if you ask me how I’m feeling, don’t tell me you’re too blind to see

ALL: Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you! Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!

(The boys keep singing while the girls start dancing together)

GOBO/WEMBLEY: Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you! Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!

MOKEY: Ooh, give you up

RED: Ooh, give you up

GOBO: Never gonna give, never gonna give

WEMBLEY: Give you up

RED: Never gonna give, never gonna give

MOKEY: Give you up

GOBO: We’ve known each other for so long, your heart’s been aching but you’re too shy to say it

RED: Inside we both know what’s been going on, we know the game and we’re gonna play it

MOKEY: I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling, gotta make you understand

ALL: Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you! Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you! Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you! Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!

(MUSIC CUE - Start fading out)

(The Fraggles pile together into a stack as the music ends)

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

WALDORF: You know, I can think of one thing I’d like them to give up on.

STATLER: What’s that?

WALDORF: Me!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 4 - Backstage + Rewrite the Stars

(INT. BACKSTAGE - There’s a knock at the back door. Theresa enters, carrying a box)

THERESA: Kermit! I brought those props you needed! …Kermit?

(Theresa wanders around backstage, looking around for Kermit. Near the stairs, she sees a flicker of red fur.)

THERESA: Oh, Scooter!

(She sets the box down on a nearby table, approaches “Scooter”, and taps him on the head. “Scooter” yelps and jumps, revealing himself to actually be Boober, and Theresa yelps in reaction)

BOOBER/THERESA: (overlapping confused chatter) Huh? Wha? What was-?

THERESA: Whoa, hi, you are not Scooter!

BOOBER: (picking his cap up off the floor) No, I’m not, and you certainly aren’t Kermit.

THERESA: No. I’m Theresa. (she offers a hand to shake) I came here to deliver a couple things Kermit needed for the closing number.

BOOBER: I see. (anxious to touch her hand) You’ve had all your shots, right?

THERESA: (chuckles awkwardly) Yes.

BOOBER: (shaking her hand) Okay. My name is Boober, and I’m a Fraggle. We’re tonight’s guest stars.

THERESA: Oh, have you been on yet?

BOOBER: Well, my friends have, but not me.

THERESA: (her smile fades) Why not?

(Cut to over the shoulder shot of the two, where the stage is visible. The four other Fraggles are out there)

BOOBER: They’re all so excited to put themselves out there and show the world what they’re made of, and I’m…not.

(Back to a middle shot)

BOOBER: Who would want to watch such a mess as myself, when I lack any sort of notable talent?

THERESA (in therapist mode): Well, it’s the Muppet Show. It’s a place where everyone belongs, no matter what they’re good at. That includes you, Boo.

BOOBER: You don’t get it, miss.

(MUSIC CUE - “Rewrite the Stars”, originally from The Greatest Showman . Some lyrics have been altered)

BOOBER: They wouldn’t want me performing with them. I know I would just bring them down.

THERESA: You know they love you; it’s not a secret they’re gonna hide. So can you trust me?

(LIGHTING CUE - Some lights backstage get dimmer to put emphasis on the characters. Theresa offers her hand.)

THERESA: Take my hand and we’ll turn the tide

(The camera swivels around, getting a full 360 view of the scene)

THERESA: You claim it’s not in the cards, and fate is pulling you miles away, too far out of reach. But I see you’ve got heart, and together we can turn the world around, change destiny

BOOBER: Huh?

THERESA: What if we rewrite the stars? Come on, put your hand in mine

(Boober cautiously puts his hand back in Theresa’s)

THERESA: Nothing can tear our world apart, maybe you were the one I was meant to find. It’s up to you…

BOOBER: It’s up to me?

THERESA: No one can say what we get to be, so why don’t we rewrite the stars? Maybe history is ours to write

(As she sings this line, she waves her hand to the ceiling, where the lights twinkle like stars)

THERESA : Well? Don’t you want to give it a try?

(Boober withdraws his hand away from Theresa)

BOOBER: You think it’s easy. You don’t really understand, do you? That there are struggles, and there are sides that just can’t shine through

(From the curtains, Kermit and Scooter peek through. Noting the stage is now empty, they subtly urge Boober and Theresa on stage as they continue their number)

BOOBER: I know you’re wondering why, because we’re able to be just you and me within these walls, but when we go outside, you’re gonna wake up and see that it was hopeless after all

(The two have made it on stage, but don’t realize it yet)

BOOBER: No one can rewrite the stars, how can you say things are fine? When everything’s tearing me apart, and I’m not the one you were meant to find

(Cut to a shot of the audience watching the two in awe)

BOOBER: It’s not up to you

THERESA: It’s not up to me?

BOOBER: When everyone tells us what we can be, how can we rewrite the stars? When we know history ain’t ours to write

THERESA: You know you’ve come so far

BOOBER: Fate’s written in the stars

THERESA: Just show ‘em who you are

BOOBER: It feels impossible

THERESA (under Boober): It’s not impossible

BOOBER: Is it impossible?

THERESA/BOOBER: See that it’s possible

(The lights shine brightly)

BOOBER: How do we rewrite the stars?

THERESA: Come on, put your hand in mine

(The two grab hands)

THERESA/BOOBER: Nothing can tear our world apart, cause you are the one I was meant to find! 

(Theresa lifts Boober above her head in an aeroplane fashion. As they sing the next lyric, the camera swivels around them)

THERESA/BOOBER: It’s up to you, and it’s up to me, no one can say what we get to be! Watch as we rewrite the stars, changing this story of ours!

(As the music calms down, the two finally realize they’ve been singing in front of an audience. They all stare in awe)

THERESA: You see, they love you; it’s not a secret they’re gonna hide

BOOBER: Guess I should thank you, hand and hand we’ve turned the tide

(SFX CUE - Massive eruption of applause from the audience)

(Boober looks all shy in front of everyone. Theresa, excited, gives him a squeeze)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: Amazing! Now why didn’t the little fella in the cap sing earlier?

WALDORF: Maybe they were too afraid to drown out the best talent!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 5 - A Poem by Rowlf: Acid Rain

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Theresa and Boober enter from the right)

MOKEY: That was incredible! I knew you had it in you!

BOOBER: I-I was still really nervous out there! And I couldn’t have done it without help.

(Theresa passes by them and shakes hands with Kermit)

THERESA: The props you asked for are on the table. I need to go now, okay? Bye.

(Theresa turns to exit through the back door)

KERMIT (stunned): …Wow. … (into the intercom) Rowlf, on stage, please.

(As Boober shyly wanders further backstage, Gonzo approaches him)

GONZO: You know what this experience proves? That fear exists only in the mind, and not something that can physically stop you from achieving amazing things. Why, I bet that in no time, you’ll be brave enough to soar through the air on a swinging beam into a swimming pool!

(Boober stares at him incredulously)

BOOBER (dramatically): Are you insane?!

GONZO: (shrugs) Possibly.

(INT. STAGE - The curtains open. Rowlf is prepared with a poem)

ROWLF: May I present to you: Acid Rain. (clears throat) As I gaze upon the clouds that deliver to us, I wonder why they’re bitter so.

(Behind him, Robin shuffles by in a cloud costume)

ROWLF: They block out all the summer sun and turn the city icy cold.

(Animal runs past, covered in snow)

ANIMAL: SNOWBALL! SNOWBALL!

ROWLF: Yet it never burns me, and so I think it’s showing mercy. After all, it let me get to be this old.

(Gonzo appears out of nowhere)

GONZO: You’re old.

(Gonzo disappears)

ROWLF: So may the acid rain be blessed, until away the clouds roll.

(Fozzie sneaks up behind Rowlf to give him bunny ears)

ROWLF: And the sun may shine again upon each one of these trolls.

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(Fozzie, Gonzo, Robin, and Animal all scurry offstage)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

WALDORF: Which one’s more acidic?

STATLER: Huh?

WALDORF: The acid rain, or his tongue!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 6 - Veterinarian’s Hospital: Wembley

(INT. HOSPITAL - The three doctors are gathered around the operating table)

ANNOUNCER: And now, we present Veterinarian’s Hospital; the continuing stooooooory of a quack who’s gone to the dogs.

(The full interior is now visible; Wembley is lying on the table)

NURSE JANICE: Oh, where is Dr. Bob? He’s late!

NURSE PIGGY: He’s in a straggle to treat this Fraggle!

(Both laugh as Dr. Bob enters)

DR. BOB: Alright, I’m here! What seems to be the problem?

WEMBLEY: I fell over and hurt my back.

NURSE PIGGY: Let me guess; banana peel?

(All laugh)

DR. BOB: Alrighty, let’s take a look. Flip over for us, would ya?

(Wembley sits up and does a front flip)

NURSE JANICE: Oh, wow, if you can do that with a bad back, I’d love to see you at full health!

WEMBLEY: Don’t count on it; I think I threw my spine out.

NURSE PIGGY: I bet you wish you could take that decision back .

(All laugh as Nurse Janice puts Wembley back on his back)

DR. BOB: Alright, this patient might require another nurse.

NURSE JANICE: What for?

DR. BOB: What else? Backup!

(All laugh, then dart their heads around when the Announcer starts to speak)

ANNOUNCER: And so, this innocent creature remains untreated. Tune in next time, where you'll hear Nurse Piggy say…

NURSE PIGGY: Should we be worried?

DR. BOB: Not until another day!

(All laugh as the curtains go down)

Segment 7 - Don’t Stop Believing: Fraggle Edition

(Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Okay, thank you, everyone! Now, we have one more act for you before we wrap things up for the night, and I tell you, this is the kind of song that always gets me in a good mood! So we present to you, a very Fraggle finale! Yaaaay!

(Kermit slides offstage to the left as the curtains open)

(MUSIC CUE - “Don’t Stop Believing”, originally performed by Journey. Some lyrics have been altered)

(The Fraggles are on stage; all of them, this time)

RED: Just a small-town girl, living in a lonely world. She took a midnight train going anywhere

GOBO: Just a city guy, living past the stalagmites. He took a midnight train going anywhere

MOKEY: A singer in a smoky room, the smell of rocks and moss perfume. For a smile they can share the night, it goes on and on and on and on

ALL: Strangers waiting up and down the boulevard, their shadows searching in the night. Cave lights, people living just to feel emotions, hiding somewhere in the night!

(During a brief instrumental break, Gobo and Wembley air guitar, while Mokey and Boober lift Red in an aeroplane fashion)

WEMBLEY: Working hard to get my fill, everybody wants a thrill! Paying anything to roll the dice just one more time

BOOBER: Some will win and some will win and some will lose, some are born to sing the blues. No, the story never ends, it goes on and on and on and on

ALL: Strangers waiting up and down the boulevard, their shadows searching in the night. Cave lights, people living just to feel emotions, hiding somewhere in the night!

(Rather than continuing the song as normal, a familiar leitmotif begins to play)

ALL: Dance your cares away! Worries for another day, let the music play!

GOBO: Oh whoa

ALL: Sing your cares away! Stresses for another day, let the Fraggles play!

GOBO: We’re Gobo!

MOKEY: Mokey!

WEMBLEY: Wembley!

BOOBER: Boober.

RED: Red!

ALL: Don’t stop believing! Hold onto that feeling! Cave lights, people, oh whoa!

(All five Fraggles stack into a pyramid for the ending)

(SFX CUE - Massive applause from the audience)

(Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Beautiful! What a wonderful show topper! Let’s hear it for our Fraggles! 

(SFX CUE - More applause)

KERMIT: And that does it for our show! We hope you all had a great time tonight!

(Fozzie approaches Kermit)

FOZZIE: I had a good time! Tonight’s show rocked! Haaah, wocka wocka!

(The Fraggles laugh, which makes them all topple over)

KERMIT: Sheesh. Uh, we'll see you next time on the Muppet Show!

(Kermit and Fozzie pick the Fraggles up as the credits roll)

WALDORF: Dance your cares away, worries for another day

STATLER: Nah, save ‘em for next week; I heckle best under pressure!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Chapter Text

"COUCH! COUCH!" As soon as the Electric Mayhem got back to their shack for the night, Animal barreled into the living room to chew on a couch cushion.

"So, um," began Floyd, "do you think we should go out and look for Zoot and Lips? I mean, I'm used to Animal disappearing on us, but those two have been gone for months."

"Oh, for sure," agreed Janice, "I miss them."

"Alright, little bolts," said Dr. Teeth, "all in favour of find-o-cating Zoot and Lips, say I."

"I," said Floyd.

"I," said Janice, raising a hand.

Animal looked up from the couch. "HI!"

"Motion carried," said Dr. Teeth. "...Now what?"

"Yeah, they don't answer their phones anymore," mused Janice. "They could be anywhere."

"Dammit, I thought you guys had a plan." Floyd shook his head.

There's no window in this room? I could have sworn there was.

That was the third time Zoot had walked into the dorm and forgotten about the lack of a window. He didn’t like this room, but the only other choice he had was being either imprisoned or sued into oblivion for "breach of contract".

He set his saxophone in its case; he was beginning to hate the sound of it. What was he thinking, agreeing to work for an AI music producer? All that hard work, creating melodies straight from his heart, just to have some crapbox computer copy it without any of the soul behind it and take all the credit.

"Zoot?"

Zoot turned at the sound of Lips' hoarse voice. He'd been roped into this scam all the same, but for the past few days, his health had taken a sharp turn for the worse. What started as a decrease in appetite turned into the worst hacking cough Zoot had ever heard, accompanied with nausea that made him reluctant to touch what little Zoot could smuggle out of the mess hall. 

"Yeah, it's me." Zoot knelt down next to his partner, who'd been bedridden for days. "And I know you don't like it, but you have to try and choke down that applesauce cup."

Zoot nudged Lips over from his right side to his back and peeled the little foil lid off the cup. "I couldn't get a spoon, so you'll have to drink it."

Lips brought the cup up to his mouth, but hesitated to actually consume any of it. "Come on, down the hatch," encouraged Zoot. "Just like yesterday; getting it in is the hard part. You've been doing great at keeping it down."

Lips grimaced a bit, but convinced himself to just get it over with and down the few mouthfuls in the cup. "There we go, all done." Zoot rubbed his back.

"Milunisonfyer," croaked Lips. 

"I know, baby." Zoot pulled Lips closer and pressed their foreheads together. "And I'm gonna get us outta here. I don’t know how yet, but I'm gonna do it."

Hearing footsteps from outside, Zoot scurried over to the other side of the room; he didn't want to find out what the guards of this wannabe prison would do if they found him out of place for a bed check. Once the noise died down, he whispered "I'll find you a doctor, okay? As soon as we’re free. Just get some sleep now."

Chapter Text

Segment 1 - Opening + Sweetums and Rizzo

(INT. BACKSTAGE - A knock at the door. Scooter enters.)

SCOOTER: Special Agents? 

(He comes further into the room as the full interior is shown)

SCOOTER: Kara Kavak?

KARA: Here.

SCOOTER: Alice Newcastle?

ALICE: Hello.

SCOOTER: And Charlotte Brooks?

CHARLOTTE: Present.

SCOOTER: Fantastic. Fifteen seconds to curtains, ladies.

KARA: Did you know that fifteen seconds after curtains is always when the first dancers enter the stage for the opening?

SCOOTER: Seriously? I never knew that. (he looks at the camera and shrugs)

(INT. STAGE - The “The Muppet Show” slide. Kermit peeks out through the "O" in "Show")

KERMIT: It’s the Muppet Show, with our very special guests, Kavak, Newcastle, and Brooks! Yaaaaay!

(MUSIC CUE - The Muppets Show Theme)

(INT. STAGE - Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Thank you, thank you, and welcome back to the Muppet Show! Now you don’t need a degree in advanced algebra to get this show, you just need a heart and a laugh! And that’s because our guest stars are three talented women from the Bureau of Mathematics, Miss Kara Kavak, Ms. Alice Newcastle, and Miss Charlotte Brooks!

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

KERMIT: Yeah! Now, to start us off, we have a dance number from two friends who may be opposites in size, but are still the same in heart, Sweetums and Rizzo!

(Kermit shuffles offstage as the curtains open, revealing Sweetums and Rizzo on the other side)

(MUSIC CUE - Funk music)

(Sweetums and Rizzo do hip hop dancing. Rizzo is positions slightly closer to the edge of the stage to be more visible to the audience)

RIZZO: Get me up high, bro!

(Sweetums lifts Rizzo onto his shoulders. While Sweetums does an arm wave, Rizzo vaults himself over his head)

RIZZO: That’s how it’s done!

SWEETUMS: Big finish!

(Sweetums does a perfect split while Rizzo does a slide while air-guitaring)

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

WALDORF: Hip hop, eh?

STATLER: If I were to hop, I’d throw out my hip!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 2 - Pepe's Ballet: Swan Lake

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Kermit is directing the performers)

KERMIT: Okay, Swan Lake dancers on stage, please!

(Gonzo approaches Kermit as the dancers enter the stage)

GONZO: So, Kermit, you know how next week is when I do my oatmeal stunt, right?

KERMIT: Bingo.

GONZO: Do you think the type of oatmeal particularly matters? Cause right now, I only have the gluten-free stuff on me.

KERMIT: You can get gluten-free oats?

GONZO: Yeah. Neat, eh? You’re right, the kind of oatmeal really doesn’t matter. Thanks, Kermit!

(Gonzo exits on the left. Kermit looks at the camera)

KERMIT: The things I learn from this show.

(INT. STAGE - The curtains open. Pepe is dressed in a white tutu)

(MUSIC CUE - “Swan Lake Overture”, originally composed by Pytor Ilyich Tchaikovsky)

(Pepe walks en pointe to start, then does a few twirls)

(A catfish Muppet in a black tutu arrives to dance behind Pepe, creating a mirror effect as they represent Odette and Odile)

(As the music swells, Pepe begins an endless pirouette as the catfish circles around him, and eventually falls gracefully to the ground as the music ends)

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: I’ve always had a soft spot for Swan Lake .

WALDORF: Yup, and that performance just cooked its goose!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 3 - 9 to 5

(INT. STAGE - Kermit enters from the left)

(MUSIC CUE - “9 to 5”, originally from 9 to 5: The Musical )

KERMIT: Alright, ladies and gentlemen, we would now like to present to you our lovely guest stars, the international mathematical agents, as well as amazing singers in their own right, Kara Kavak, Alice Newcastle, and Charlotte Brooks! Yaaaaay!

(The curtains open as the music swells. The three girls are on stage, dressed in their business wear)

ALICE: Tumble outta bed and I stumble to the kitchen

KARA: Pour myself a cup of ambition

CHARLOTTE: Yawn and stretch and try to come to life

(Various Muppets move in to serve as the chorus)

ALICE/MALE CHORUS: Jump in the shower and the blood starts pumping

KARA/FEMALE CHORUS: Out on the streets, the traffic starts jumping for

ALL: Folks like me on the job, from 9 to 5!

ALICE/KARA/CHARLOTTE: Workin’ 9 to 5!

ALL: What a way to make a living! Barely getting by, it’s all taking and no giving! They just use your mind, and they never give you credit! It’s enough to drive you crazy if you let it!

(Robin inches forward carrying a purse to play the son)

CHARLOTTE: My two lives have got me hopping, dawn to midnight there’s not stopping. Don’t know which I’m mothering the most. Pack his lunch and kiss my son and grab my purse and I keep running; got so much on my plate, I could choke!

FEMALE CHORUS: Working 9 to 5

CHARLOTTE: For service and devotion, you would think that I would deserve a fat promotion!

FEMALE CHORUS: Want to move ahead

CHARLOTTE: But the boss won’t seem to let me; I swear sometimes that man is out to get me!

MALE CHORUS: 9 to 5

FEMALE CHORUS: 9 to 5

KARA: They let you dream just to watch ‘em shatter, you’re just a step on the boss man’s ladder, but you’ve got dreams he’ll never take away!

FOZZIE: You’re in the same boat with a lotta your friends, waiting for the day your ship will come in

KARA/FOZZIE: The tides and it’s all gonna roll your way! 9 to 5!

CHORUS: 9 to 5

FOZZIE: If we work together, you know you and I will make it through whatever

KARA: They can’t keep us down, we’ll just rise above it! You just stick with me, we’ll tell ‘em where to shove it!

(Everyone starts a dance routine)

ALL: 9 to 5 you can lose your mind! Get up and work, get up and work!

(Some members of the male chorus lift up Miss Piggy)

MISS PIGGY: 9 to 5!

ALL (under Miss Piggy): 9 to 5 you can lose your mind! Workin’ 9 to 5! 9 to 5!

MALE CHORUS: It’s enough to drive you crazy

FEMALE CHORUS: It’s enough to drive you crazy

ALICE/KARA/CHARLOTTE: It’s enough to drive you, it’s enough

ALL: It’s enough to drive you- get up and work, get up and work, 9 to 5! 9 to…

ALICE: Dreams and plans are in the making, success is out there for the taking. Wish it was was simple as it sounds. I swear to you, I’m gonna do it, grit my teeth and I’ll get through it. It’s hard to see the upside when you’re down

ALL: Working 9 to 5

ALICE: They’ve got you where they want you, there’s a better life, and you think about it, don’t you?

ALL: It’s a rich man’s game

ALICE: No matter what they call it, and you spend your life putting money in his wallet!

ALL: Get up and work, get up and work, working 9 to 5!

ALICE/KARA/CHARLOTTE: So many of us do it!

ALL: But we know inside we’re gonna make it through it! There’s a brighter day, and we’ll keep looking toward it! And we’ll buy that dream soon as we can just afford it!

(The chorus performs a dance in a chorus of “9 to 5”s)

FEMALE CHORUS: It’s enough

MALE CHORUS: It’s enough

CHARLOTTE: I deserve a fat promotion

CHORUS: For folks like me

ALICE/KARA: The tide’s gonna turn!

ALL: Working 9 to 5! 9 to 5!

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

WALDORF: Tell me, Statler, do you remember working 9 to 5?

STATLER: I hardly remember ‘95!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(LIGHTING CUE - Lights out; time for intermission)

Segment 4 - Backstage

(LIGHTING CUE - Lights back up)

(INT. BACKSTAGE - The three Special Agents are gathered in their dressing room, chatting with Janice. Kara shows the girls a picture of her father)

KARA: This is my father, Stan Kavak. He plays the saxophone for a living.

JANICE: Oh, wow. You know, our band has a saxophone player too, except we haven’t seen him for months.

ALICE: Oh? What happened to him?

JANICE: We don’t really know. Zoot just didn’t show up to the first show. Neither did Lips.

CHARLOTTE: Have you tried to contact them?

JANICE: Oh, Dr. Teeth has tried calling them, but they, like, never answer. We’re starting to get worried. 

(The Special Agents speak to each other indistinctly together for a moment)

KARA: Have you considered reporting them missing?

JANICE: Well, no. I mean, they’re adults, they can, like, go where they want.

ALICE: That’s true, but if they haven’t been seen or heard from in months, that’s a major concern.

CHARLOTTE: We can easily hook you up with a private investigator.

JANICE: Oh, wow, thank you! That’s, like, really nice!

KARA: Anything to help.

ALICE: It’s what special agents do.

(LIGHTING CUE - Dim lights)

CHARLOTTE: Quiet; I think the next act is starting.

Segment 5 - Pigs in Space

(INT. PIGS IN SPACE BACKGROUND - Time to open the sketch)

ANNOUNCER: And now, it’s time for Pigs in Spaaaaaaace!

(INT. SWINETREK - Captain Link, First Mate Piggy, and Dr. Strangepork are at the control panel.)

CAPTAIN LINK: Set a course for the Planet Koozebane.

DR. STRANGEPORK: Of course.

CAPTAIN LINK: Do you suppose when we get there, we’ll meet a horse?

DR. STRANGEPORK: Yes, but beware, those things will kick without remorse.

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

FIRST MATE PIGGY: I was not informed that today was Rhyming Day.

DR. STRANGEPORK: Then you should check your schedule, eh?

FIRST MATE PIGGY (unamused): Don’t make me hurt you today.

CAPTAIN LINK: Yes, or she’ll…uh….summon Cure Felice?

(The other Swinetrek members stare at him for a moment. Suddenly, the door opens and a Koozebane alien enters)

KOOZEBANE ALIEN: Who are you?

DR. STRANGEPORK: I could ask you.

KOOZEBANE ALIEN: You want this horse?

(A Koozebane horse enters from the right. The three Swinetrek members look at the camera)

CAPTAIN LINK/FIRST MATE PIGGY/DR. STRANGEPORK: Of course!

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: What do you think?

WALDORF: I think it stinks!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 6 - Muppet Melodrama: Doctor’s Note

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Kermit is herding Wayne, Wanda, and Rowlf as Dr. Bob on stage)

KERMIT: Okay, go, go! (he scoots over to the side, where the three Special Agents are standing around the telephone) Have you connected with anyone?

ALICE: Kara’s on the phone right now. 

KARA (on the phone): Okay, thank you, so much. (she covers the sound piece and turns to Kermit) We’ve booked the Needle for you.

KERMIT: The who?

CHARLOTTE: She’s the finest puppet investigator in the county. If she can’t locate your missing persons, no one can.

KARA: (hangs up the phone) Alright, girls, let’s get into our outfits for the closing number. 

(Kara brings Alice and Charlotte upstairs to the dressing room, while Kermit goes to watch the act from the wings)

(INT. STAGE - A hospital waiting room. Wayne and Wanda sit together)

WANDA: I cannot stand it anymore, I simply must know the results!

WAYNE: I almost don’t want to; it would upset us far too much.

WANDA: But what if we die? And I cannot follow you into the next life?

WAYNE: I will always wait for you, my peach.

(Dr. Bob enters from the right)

DR. BOB: I have the results.

WANDA: Oh, I will not stand for this! We’re done for!

WAYNE: What a tragic day! We are to leave this earth, in pain and alone!

(Both hug each other and fall to the ground, wailing. Dr. Bob looks at the camera)

DR. BOB: It was just a blood test. He’s Type A, she’s type O.

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

WALDORF: Hey, wouldn’t they already know their blood type?

STATLER: Don’t be so hard on them; they need that extra brain power to regulate their breath cycle.

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 7 - Seasons of Love

(MUSIC CUE - “Seasons of Love (525,600 Minutes)”, originally from RENT )

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Kara Kavak, Alice Newcastle, and Charlotte Brooks.

(LIGHTING CUE - Lights up)

(INT. STAGE - The curtains open, revealing the three women on the other side. All three are dressed up beautifully; Kara is wearing a sky-blue ball gown with a matching hijab, silver gems encrusted into the top, and silver flats, Alice is wearing a violet gown with gold jewellery, including a gold headdress in the shape of a teardrop, and deep purple high heels, and Charlotte is wearing a black gothic gown with lace accents, black opera gloves, and a black rose pinned in her hair)

KARA/ALICE/CHARLOTTE: 525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear, 525,600 minutes, how do you measure, measure a year?

KARA: In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee

ALICE: In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife

CHARLOTTE: In 525,600 minutes, how do you measure a year in a life?

(LIGHTING CUE - Lights brighten in blues, purples, and pinks)

KARA/ALICE/CHARLOTTE: (dancing) How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love, seasons of love, seasons of love

(LIGHTING CUE - Back to normal lighting)

ALICE: 525,600 minutes, 525,600 journeys to plans, 525,600 minutes, how do you measure the life of a woman or a man

CHARLOTTE: In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried. In bridges he burned, or the way that she died

KARA: It’s time now to sing out, though the story never ends, let’s celebrate, remember a year in the life of friends

(LIGHTING CUE - Lights brighten in blues, purples, and pinks)

KARA/ALICE/CHARLOTTE: (taking hands and dancing) Remember the love! Remember the love! Remember the love! Measure in love, seasons of love, seasons of love

(The Muppets begin to enter)

ALL: 525,600 minutes, 525,000 beats in the heart of the, stage life that bring us together for every minute, we’re all a family brought together with art

KERMIT: In ballads, in poems, in stunts that can scare your pants off

MISS PIGGY: In melodies, in beats, in rhythms so sweet

GONZO: In 525,600 minutes, I never regretted one where you were with me

ALL: Just feel the love! Just feel the love! Just feel the love! Measure in love, seasons of love, seasons of love

ANIMAL: LOVE! LOVE!

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

(The three Special Agents curtsey their skirts)

KERMIT: Thank you, everyone! Let’s give another big round of applause to our guest stars, Miss Kara Kavak!

(SFX CUE - The audience applauds at Kara bows)

KERMIT: Ms. Alice Newcastle!

(SFX CUE - The audience applauds as Alice curtseys with one hand on her heart)

KERMIT: And Miss Charlotte Brooks!

(SFX CUE - The audience applauds as Charlotte plucks the rose from her hair, bows, and throws the rose into the audience)

KERMIT: I tell you, there is no equation for these ladies’ talent!

ANIMAL: BAD PUN!

KERMIT: (backing away from Animal) Yes, um, good luck on all future math tests! We’ll see you next time on the Muppet Show!

(Animal chases Kermit off stage as the credits roll)

STATLER: There is actually an equation.

WALDORF: Yup; Muppets plus stage equals endless suffering!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Chapter Text

Inside a Subway in the middle of Toronto, an unassuming Muppet sandwich artist saw an innocent-looking human college student in round glasses and a pink cardigan enter the restaurant. This sweet-looking woman approached the counter. "Good evening, Miss," said the sandwich artist, "what would you like tonight?"

"I'm here to see your manager," said the woman. "We have to discuss something regarding a haystack." 

Haystack. That caught the employee's attention. He remembered earlier, his manager told him that if a woman entered the store that night and asked for them with that password, he was to send her their way immediately. "In the back."

"Thank you." The woman entered the employee's only back room, and when she turned the light on and found it empty, she quickly ditched her good-girl get-up. She slipped off the fake glasses and cardigan, revealing a black tank top underneath, and took the black elastic off her wrist to put her hair up. 

For you see, this seemingly wholesome, unassuming woman was Maisy Weatherly, a theatre arts student, by day. But by night, she was the Needle; the finest, but also the most ruthless investigator for puppet-related crimes that one could find on the market.

The manager, a Muppet with feathery black hair, bustled into the room. "Apologies for the wait, Miss Needle, ma'am! As manager, I have a lot to do to keep this place afloat, and-" 

"Save the sorrys for church," said the Needle. "I'm here because I have witness reports of two missing Muppets having visited this location the night of their disappearance."

"A-a missing persons report?" The manager asked. "That's what you’re investigating?"

"Bingo." The Needle slid two recent pictures across the table. "Russell McGill, age 47, and Andre Zootowski, age 50. Both employed by the Muppet Theatre. Neither have been seen since the end of August."

"Hey, I know that guy!" The manager studied the first photo. "He showed me how to do a fishnet braid when I was on a lunch break once!"

"Three witnesses I questioned claimed that these two men were seen inside your restaurant on the last night before they were reported missing." The Needle continued. "As such, I will need access to your security footage to confirm."

"This way, ma'am." Intimidated by her presence, the manager led the Needle into the security room, and after securing the correct date, went through the footage. As previously claimed, both Zoot and Lips entered in the evening, had a meal, talked a bit, and shared a kiss on their way out.

"Perfect," said the Needle. "That's exactly what I needed." She slipped the manager a ten dollar note from her pocket. "Your cooperation in this investigation will not go unnoticed.'

Chapter Text

Segment 1 - Opening + The Penguin Song

(INT. DRESSING ROOM - A knock at the door. Scooter enters)

SCOOTER: Crestfeather of Skylands? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Ms. Crestfeather.

(Cut to full interior; Crestfeather is seated at a dressing table, leafing through a magazine.)

CRESTFEATHER: (not looking up) Thank you, Scooter. 

SCOOTER: (approaching Crestfeather) So, is it true that you’re from the Magic element and have all these crazy powers? 

CRESTFEATHER: Of course. Why do you think he’s here?

(Cut to a profile shot of Crestfeather. The Swedish Chef is standing behind her with a portable stove. He puts a pot on the stove.)

SWEDISH CHEF: Okie!

(Crestfeather flicks her finger to light the stove.)

SCOOTER (looking at the camera): I never realised magic could be so practical. 

(INT. STAGE - The “The Muppet Show” slide. Kermit, wearing a magician's hat, peeks out through the "O" in "Show")

KERMIT: It’s the Muppet Show, with our very special guests, Crestfeather of Skylands! Yaaaaay!

(MUSIC CUE - The Muppets Show Theme)

(INT. STAGE - Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Hi-ho, and welcome to the Muppet Show! Let me tell you, tonight’s guest star just blew in with a gust of wind and drowned us in excitement, and that’s because our star is the brave and talented troll warrior, Miss Crestfeather!

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

KERMIT: Now, before we get to the magic, we have a humble opening from our chilly friends in the Arctic. May I present to you, the Penguins!

(Kermit slides offscreen as the curtains open, with the Penguins standing behind them)

(MUSIC CUE - A country-sounding guitar plucking)

PENGUIN #1: Squeak!

PENGUIN #2: Squawk!

PENGUIN #3: Squeak, squeak, squawk!

(The penguins start to dance to the music)

PENGUIN #1: To the left!

PENGUIN #2: To the right!

PENGUIN #3: Turn around and twist up tight!

(The penguins start getting bouncy)

PENGUIN #1: In the air!

PENGUIN #2: To the sky!

PENGUIN #3: Come on, y’all, let’s jump up high!

(The penguins all go flying and fall into the audience, who all laugh and applaud)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

WALDORF: What was that?

STATLER: I think they call it crowd surfing.

WALDORF: I think I’ll call it a wipeout!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 2 - Muppet Labs: Time Machine

(INT. MUPPET LABS - Zoom out from the clock to the full interior. Bunsen and Beaker are standing at the table; Beaker is fiddling with a pocket watch)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today.

BEAKER: Meep.

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Time travel has been a staple of science fiction novels and films for decades. Now, we at Muppet Labs believe we have developed a true time machine to achieve the same effect.

(Bunsen picks up a tulip from the table)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: We hypothesise that placing this tulip in the time machine will send it back to the past, and bring its seed into the present day.

(He beckons for Beaker to pay attention, and places the tulip inside the time machine, and after a moment, a tulip seed comes out. Beaker tinkers with the time machine while Bunsen continues the demonstration)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: My hypothesis was correct! With this time machine, we will be able to study earlier forms of flora from any point in history!

(Beaker falls into the time machine and screams)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Beaker, come back! We're not testing you, silly!

(Bunsen attempts to pull Beaker out of the machine, but instead ends up with an infant version of him)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Oh dear. I guess it works on people, too.

BABY BEAKER: (confused meeps)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Oh, you’re alright, little sweetie…

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: I say he’s lucky; that thing would barely set us back twenty years!

WALDORF: Go for thirty; then we can stop ourselves from ever becoming regulars to this crummy show!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Bunsen enters from the right with Baby Beaker. Beauregard takes the Muppet Labs set offstage)

KERMIT: Bunsen, we’ve got a busy lineup tonight, how are we supposed to watch a baby on top of that?

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Oh, he’ll be fine. I’m perfectly capable of caring for an infant for an hour or so before the machine’s battery is recharged.

BABY BEAKER: Meep?

KERMIT: Okay, but I’m holding you to that claim. If I come back here later and that baby isn’t exactly the way I left him, I swear-

(Bunsen begins urging Kermit on stage)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Now, now, Mr. Kermit, you’re scaring him. Go on, introduce the next act. 

Segment 3 - Slipped Away

(INT. STAGE - Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Okay… well, next up, ladies and gentlemen, we have a sombre number performed by our very own Electric Mayhem, alongside our special guest, Miss Crestfeather of Skylands. And, uh…here they are.

(Kermit awkwardly ducks offstage as the curtains open to reveal Crestfeather and the Electric Mayhem on the other side)

CRESTFEATHER: Tonight, I think of my family, who walked out to fight a pointless war fifteen years ago, and never came home.

DR. TEETH: And we think of our own Zoot and Lips, who disappeared months ago and have yet to turn up. We hope this number inspironates with you.

(MUSIC CUE - “Slipped Away”, originally performed by Avril Lavigne)

CRESTFEATHER: If anything, I want you to think of who's important to you, and appreciate them.

JANICE: Na na

CRESTFEATHER: Na na na, na na

JANICE: I miss you, miss you so bad

CRESTFEATHER: I don’t forget you, oh it's so sad

ANIMAL: ANIMAL SAD.

FLOYD: I hope you can hear me

DR. TEETH: I remember you clearly

CRESTFEATHER: The day you slipped away was the day I found it won't be the same, oh

FLOYD: Na na 

ANIMAL: NA NA!

DR. TEETH: Na na na, na na 

JANICE: I wasn't there to find you, goodbye on the hand

CRESTFEATHER: I wish that I could see you again, I know that I can't 

FLOYD/DR. TEETH/JANICE: Oh whoa

JANICE: I hope you can hear me

CRESTFEATHER: Cause I remember it clearly

DR. TEETH: The day you slipped away was the day I found it just ain't the same, no

FLOYD: We’ve had our comeback, won't you come back? I keep asking why

ANIMAL: WHY?!

JANICE: Keep asking why

CRESTFEATHER: And I can't take it, it wasn't fake it, it happened, you passed by

(MUSIC CUE - The music becomes more intense as Crestfeather breaks down)

CRESTFEATHER: Now you're gone, now you're gone, there you go, there you go, somewhere I can't bring you back! 

(Crestfeather sends a gust of wind through the theatre)

CRESTFEATHER: Now you're gone, now you're gone, there you go, there you go, somewhere you're not coming back!

(LIGHTING CUE - The lights shine brightly in time with the chorus starting)

CRESTFEATHER: The day you slipped away was the day I found it won't be the same, no! The day you slipped away was the day I found it won't be the same, no

(MUSIC CUE - Things settle down)

CRESTFEATHER: I miss you

ANIMAL: MISS BRASS GUYS!

(Animal collapses on his drum kit and wails, while the remainder of the Electric Mayhem huddles together in grief)

Segment 4 - Backstage

(INT. DRESSING ROOM - Bunsen and the Swedish Chef are watching Baby Beaker. Chef is holding the baby and feeding him with a bottle)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Oh, Mr. Chef, I'm glad you know so much about babies. I'm good with holding them; it’s when they cry that I croak.

SWEDISH CHEF: Ja, ja, dë båbï ishva diffycøltë.

(Baby Beaker finishes the bottle as Crestfeather enters the dressing room, looking dour and depressed)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Oh, hello, Miss Crestfeather. I hope you don’t mind us occupying your dressing room; we needed somewhere soundproof to watch the little one.

CRESTFEATHER: Little one? (she spots Baby Beaker) Oh. Hello. 

(She takes Baby Beaker from Chef)

CRESTFEATHER: Aren’t you a cutie snoot.

BABY BEAKER: Me-me!

CRESTFEATHER: That’s right, you are. Yes, you are.

(She coos over Baby Beaker, and with her life magic, makes a flower crown appear on his head)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Fascinating. The presence of an infant seems to improve most theatre-goers’ moods.

SWEDISH CHEF: Ja, loov dë båbï.

(The three of them all fuss over the baby)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Yes, you are adorable. That’s how you activate such feelings of love and affection in the adults around you. It’s scientific.

BABY BEAKER: Me-me?

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW (taking Baby Beaker from Crestfeather): You probably don’t understand what that means. But you will understand this; I love you.

(Baby Beaker coos)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: That’s right, because you are small and cute and special.

CRESTFEATHER: He’s got a bright future in front of him.

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Oh, um…actually, this version of him is in the future. Remember? We sent him through that time machine?

(A brief pause as Crestfeather looks at Bunsen in disbelief)

CRESTFEATHER: No…what the hell were you doing when I was back here getting ready?

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Oh- zzt. Watch your mouth around the baby.

CRESTFEATHER: …oh my god…

(LIGHTING CUE - Blackout; time for a commercial break)

Segment 5 - Gonzo and the Catapult

(LIGHTING CUE - Lights back up)

(MUSIC CUE - A horn fanfare)

(INT. STAGE - The curtains open to reveal Gonzo on the other side, sitting in the bowl of a catapult. He is surrounded by a Rube Goldberg machine all connected to the catapult trigger)

GONZO: Good evening, guys, gals, and non-binary pals! Now I would like you to pay attention to the intricacies of this performance. When I knock over this golf ball, its rolling will start a chain reaction that will end with myself soaring through the air and landing safely on that balcony!

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf realise he’s talking about their balcony)

BOTH: WHAT?!

(INT. STAGE - Gonzo kicks the golf ball, which rolls to the end of a plank and pushes some books over like dominoes, which pushes a skateboard forward towards a button.)

(INT. WINGS - Scooter and Beauregard are watching the stunt)

SCOOTER: You think it will work?

BEAUREGARD: It should; I helped him set it up.

(Scooter bites his lip)

(INT. STAGE - The button releases a rope, which triggers a rock to roll down a board and onto the catapult trigger. The catapult launches Gonzo into the air, but instead of the balcony, he goes flying like a ragdoll into the audience.)

STATLER: Where is he going?

WALDORF: Same place we’re going; crazy!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Gonzo ends up in a heap in front of Crestfeather’s four friends, who have come to watch her performance.)

GONZO: Ta da…

CALI: That landing sounded like a hospital trip.

(Gonzo flumps over. Soon, two Whatnots come and pick him up to bring him backstage)

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Kermit is waiting at his table as Gonzo is brought backstage. Bunsen is standing nearby holding Baby Beaker)

KERMIT: What happened out there? Are you alright?

GONZO: Fine! (he hops down from the Whatnots and snaps himself back together) Just a little kinked up.

KERMIT: Uh huh. Did you knock into anything?

GONZO: Oh, just these two cat people. They didn’t seem to mind.

(Gonzo scurries off screen while Kermit shakes his head.)

(LIGHTING CUE - The lights on stage dim and turn a gentle purple)

KERMIT: Alright, Bunsen, Piggy wants me on stage for this number of hers. You keep that baby in one piece. Got it?

(Kermit runs off screen before Bunsen can even respond. He is working with the time machine)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Miss Crestfeather is right; your future is quite amazing, little one. But for now, it’s time for you to go bye-bye.

Segment 6 - Miss Piggy: Listen to Your Heart

(MUSIC CUE - “Listen to Your Heart”, originally performed by Roxette)

(INT. STAGE - The curtains are opened to reveal Miss Piggy in a sparkly silver dress, seated on a park bench with a prop moon hanging overhead. As she begins to sing, Kermit awkwardly scurries on stage)

MISS PIGGY: I know there’s something in the wake of your smile. I get a notion from the look in your eyes

KERMIT: Yeah

MISS PIGGY: You’ve built a love, but that love falls apart. Your little piece of heaven turns to dust

KERMIT: Listen to your heart, when he’s calling for you. Listen to your heart, there’s nothing else you can do.

MISS PIGGY: I don’t know where you’re going, and I don’t know why

KERMIT: But listen to your heart, before you tell him goodbye

(INT. BAND PIT - Rowlf is seen putting his soul into the music)

(INT. STAGE - Back to Kermit and Miss Piggy)

MISS PIGGY: Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile. The precious moments are all lost in the tide

KERMIT: Yeah

MISS PIGGY: They’re swept away, and nothing is what it seems. The feeling of belonging to your dream

KERMIT: Listen to your heart, when he’s calling for you. Listen to your heart, there’s nothing else you can do.

MISS PIGGY: I don’t know where you’re going, and I don’t know why

KERMIT: But listen to your heart, before you tell him goodbye

(Kermit and Miss Piggy step away from the bench and slow dance during an instrumental break)

KERMIT: And there are voices that want to be heard

MISS PIGGY: So much to mention, but you can’t find the words

KERMIT: The scent of magic, the beauty that’s been

KERMIT/MISS PIGGY: When love was wilder than the wind

KERMIT: Listen to your heart, when he’s calling for you. Listen to your heart, there’s nothing else you can do.

MISS PIGGY: I don’t know where you’re going, and I don’t know why

KERMIT: But listen to your heart, before you tell him goodbye

MISS PIGGY: Listen to your heart, mm mm

KERMIT: I don’t know where you’re going, and I don’t know why

MISS PIGGY: But listen to your heart, before 

KERMIT/MISS PIGGY: You tell him goodbye

(MUSIC CUE - Conclude with a piano flourish)

(LIGHTING CUE - The stage lights fade to black)

(INT. BALCONY - Statler and Waldorf)

WALDORF: How do they expect us to listen to our hearts?

STATLER: Maybe they’re developing talking pacemakers!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Kermit and Miss Piggy enter from the right)

MISS PIGGY: (dreamy sigh) Kermie, that was a wonderful number.

KERMIT: It was like the conclusion to a romance movie.

(Miss Piggy exits on the left. Kermit looks behind him at Bunsen and the time machine)

KERMIT: Alright, Bunsen, where did you put the-

(He realises that Beaker, now an adult again and wearing a tie-dye dinosaur shirt that says “Brontosaurus” on it, is standing nearby)

KERMIT: Oh.

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Well, you weren’t expecting he would stay a baby forever, would you? Our line of work is far too dangerous for an infant!

(Kermit looks at the camera)

KERMIT: It’s hardly safe enough for adults.

(Bunsen snickers to himself)

Segment 7 - A Light to Call Home

(INT. STAGE - The lights are still down)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Crestfeather of Skylands.

(LIGHTING CUE - The lights go up. Crestfeather stands under the spotlight)

CRESTFEATHER: There is a lot that gets me down in this world. I’ve been through things I would never wish on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. But I swore to myself that I wouldn’t let the world defeat me. It may beat down on me as much as it can, but I won’t give up. That’s the coward’s way out. And I am not afraid.

(MUSIC CUE - “A Light to Call Home”, originally performed by Julia Brennan)

CRESTFEATHER: Scars, that’s all I have. Pain, that’s all I feel. People stop and stare, but they have no idea, and through these tears, and through this pain, I will stand once again

(LIGHTING CUE - The rest of the lights come on. Crestfeather is once again joined by the Electric Mayhem)

CRESTFEATHER: Cause I may be homeless, but not hopeless. Fatherless, but fearless. I’ve got myself, I got my freedom, and I’m searching for my home. Cause I am hurting, but not helpless. Full of strength and scars. I’m out here in the darkness, looking for a light to call home

ANIMAL: HOME! HOME! BRASS GUYS COME HOME!

CRESTFEATHER: Fear, that’s all I own. Smiles don’t come so easy. I’m out here all alone; you’ve got it good, believe me, but through these tears

JANICE: Through these tears

CRESTFEATHER: And through this pain

JANICE: Through this pain

CRESTFEATHER: I will stand

JANICE: I will stand

CRESTFEATHER: Once again, cause I may be homeless, but not hopeless. Fatherless, but fearless. I’ve got myself, I got my freedom, and I’m searching for my home. Cause I am hurting, but not helpless. Full of strength and scars. I’m out here in the darkness, looking for a light to call home

FLOYD/JANICE: Looking for a light to bring you home

CRESTFEATHER: Strong, that’s what I am. Okay, that’s what I will be. You may not understand, but I won’t let that define me

(LIGHTING CUE - The lights soften)

CRESTFEATHER: Cause I may be homeless, but not hopeless. Fatherless, but fearless. I’ve got myself, I got my freedom, and I’m searching for my home. Cause I am hurting, but not helpless. Full of strength and scars. I’m out here in the darkness, looking for a light to call home

JANICE: Looking for a light to call home

FLOYD: Looking for a light to call home

DR. TEETH: Looking for a light to call home

(As a finale, Crestfeather uses her fire magic to make the lights shine bright)

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

ANIMAL: ANIMAL LOOK FOR LIGHT! BRING BRASS GUYS HOME! YEAH! YEAH!

(The curtains fall. Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Bravo! An amazing performance from our band and our special guest! Let’s give one more round of applause for Miss Crestfeather! Yaaaay!

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience as Crestfeather enters from behind the curtain)

CRESTFEATHER: Well, it was very nice of you to have me here.

KERMIT: Uh huh.

CRESTFEATHER: By the way…have you met my friend, the Needle?

(The Needle enters from the right)

KERMIT: Oh, of course. (clears throat) Ladies and gentlemen, due to circumstances regarding the disappearance of two of our band members, we will be out of town for several weeks as we continue our investigation in, um…

THE NEEDLE: Toronto.

KERMIT: Toronto. We will be back to our regular theatre as soon as we finish the search and bring them home. Until that day comes, thank you for attending the Everyville Muppet Show!

(The Electric Mayhem come out from behind the curtain as the credits roll)

WALDORF: So, a few weeks away from the Muppet Show, eh?

STATLER: They didn’t send a search party for me when I disappeared.

WALDORF: You were only gone for one night, you old fool!

STATLER: One night away from my first wife was like a cruise in Heaven!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Chapter Text

Segment 1 - Opening + Dancing Chickens

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Scooter knocks on a door)

SCOOTER: Katrina Beaufort? One minute to curtain, Miss Beaufort.

(The door opens, and Katrina enters from behind it)

KATRINA: Ready to start whenever you need me.

SCOOTER: Come on, Kermit wants to see everyone before the show.

(The two of them go downstairs, where everyone else is standing around. Kermit is in the centre)

KERMIT: Thank you, everyone. If you all don’t mind, I’d like to say a prayer before the show starts. 

MISS PIGGY: Why, Kermie, you never struck me as the religious type.

KERMIT: Not normally, but considering everything, I think we need it.

(Everyone gathers in a circle. A few people back up and stay out of it, but most close their eyes and stand with Kermit in prayer)

KERMIT: Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name, watch over us in these difficult times, forgive us for our mistakes, and please…let Zoot and Lips come home safely. Amen.

ALL: Amen.

SCOOTER: (puts a hand on Kermit’s shoulder) You’re on, chief.

KERMIT: Okay…okay, here we go. 

(Kermit exits on the right)

(INT. STAGE - The “The Muppet Show” slide. Kermit peeks out through the "O" in "Show")

KERMIT: It’s the Muppet Show, with our very special guest, Miss Katrina Beaufort! Yaaaaay!

(MUSIC CUE - The Muppets Show Theme: Toronto Edition. Since this version has special lyrics, it will be typed out, just this once)

(After an instrumental intro, a female chorus enters from the left. Right to left: Miss Piggy, Chicken #1, Annie Sue, Chicken #2, Janice, Hamantha, the French Chef, and Wanda)

FEMALE CHORUS: It’s time to play the music, time for the lights to go, it’s time to meet the Muppets as we’re here in Toronto!

(A male chorus begins to enter from the right. Left to right: Fozzie, the Swedish Chef, Sam, Wayne, Bunsen, Beaker, Link, and Dr. Strangepork)

MALE CHORUS: It’s time to put on makeup, it’s time to say hello, it’s time to raise the curtain on Toronto’s Muppet Show!

(Animal has a brief drum solo before the band plays an anticipatory bar of the song)

KERMIT: To introduce our guest star, that’s what I’m here to do, so it really makes me happy to introduce to you

(SFX CUE - Drumroll)

KERMIT: Miss Katrina Beaufort!

(A spotlight is shown on Katrina, who makes some punching moves before curtseying)

KERMIT: And now let’s get things started

CHORUS: Why don’t we get things started?

ALL: It’s time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational

FOZZIE: This time, we’ve gone international!

ALL: This is what we call the Muppet Show!

(Gonzo, peeking out of the “O” in “Show”, plays a note on his trumpet, which makes maple leafs shoot out of it)

GONZO: Pretty!

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience. The curtains close, and Kermit enters from the left.)

KERMIT: Thank you, thank you! Thank you, Toronto, for welcoming the Muppet Show to your beautiful province! Now tonight, at our first show here, we have, performing with us, a talented young athlete and singer, sponsored by the World Video Boxing Association, Miss Katrina Beaufort!

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

KERMIT: Yes, now; to start us off, we have our very own Gonzo the Great directing a small gang of chickens in a jazz-inspired dance. This should, uh…this should be interesting.

(Kermit ducks offscreen as the curtains open. Gonzo, dressed in a little suit, is standing with a few live chickens. He waves a baton.)

GONZO: One, two, one two three four!

(MUSIC CUE - A ska beat)

(Gonzo waves his baton rhythmically to try and direct the chickens. The chickens, however, are not interested in dancing.)

GONZO: Don’t be shy, we practised this!

(The chickens rebel against Gonzo and begin running around the stage. Gonzo tries to round them back into a row, but the chickens all jump on him.)

GONZO: Oh! Hey! We’re still on stage!

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience as the curtains are quickly pulled.)

(INT. BALCONY - In place of Statler and Waldorf, Hoy Quarlow and Narcis Prince are seated in the balcony for funny quips)

NARCIS PRINCE: We’re in for a wild night, aren’t we?

HOY QUARLOW: If they didn’t lock the doors, I’d chicken out!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 2 - Fozzie’s Standup: Travel

(INT. STAGE - Kermit enters from the left.)

KERMIT: Okay…now, as you know, we had to travel quite a long way to be here tonight. We had a very interesting trip here, and Fozzie has quite the story to tell about it. So, here he is, our very own Fozzie Bear! Yaaaaay!

(Kermit slides off stage as the curtain opens to reveal a park backdrop and Fozzie on the other side.)

(MUSIC CUE - Fozzie’s opening sting)

FOZZIE: Hello, hiya hiya hiya! Oh boy, do I have a story for you tonight! Okay, here we go; all of us Muppets need to get from Everyville to Toronto in a week. You know, because we have to keep on top of Operation: Brass Knuckles? Now there’s a lot of us, so we take up basically a whole plane.

NARCIS PRINCE (offscreen): Is that supposed to be funny?

(Cut to an over-the-shoulder shot. Hoy Quarlow and Narcis Prince are now visible on the balcony)

FOZZIE: Hang on, I’m getting there.

(Back to focus shot)

FOZZIE: Okay, so we all get on the plane together, the flight attendants come out, they say “I guess the Muppets are going uppet!”

(SFX CUE - Mild chuckles from the audience)

FOZZIE: Haaaah! So, we take off, and there we were, hundreds of feet in the air. I turned to Kermit and I said, “We’ll make it to Toronto when pigs fly!” Haha…Miss Piggy didn’t think it was so funny. 

(INT. BALCONY - Narcis Prince is unamused; Hoy Quarlow quietly chuckles)

FOZZIE: Okay, now here’s a funny one I came up with on our way to the hotel; what do Canadians have on their feet?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: What?

FOZZIE: Toron-toes!

(SFX CUE - Even though the joke wasn’t that good, the audience gives Fozzie a few good-natured laughs)

NARCIS PRINCE: If you call that a joke, I’d hate to hear you tell a tragedy.

FOZZIE: Hold on, I’m almost at the best part. We got to our hotel, okay? It’s really nice there, but the floor’s all wet, cause it was raining. So the janitor says to us, he says, “Don’t mind the mess; let me Muppet all up!”

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

FOZZIE: Thank you! We’re here till ten!

(MUSIC CUE - Fozzie’s ending sting)

(INT. BALCONY - How Quarlow and Narcis Prince)

NARCIS PRINCE: I suppose that one was funny.

HOY QUARLOW: He made us grin and bear it!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Fozzie excitedly enters from the right and approaches Kermit)

FOZZIE: Oh boy, Kermit, this audience is great! They love us!

KERMIT: Well, you know what they say about Canadians. Alright, hang on, I gotta go introduce the next act.

(Kermit exits on the right)

Segment 3 - Battle Cry

(INT. STAGE - Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Thank you, everyone! Now, we come onto the main event of tonight’s show! In this corner, we have our guest star, the teenage boxing star, Miss Katrina Beaufort! And in this corner, we have our very own, the maestro from Manhattan, Miss Yolanda! Let the battle begin!

(Kermit exits on the left as the curtains open, revealing Katrina/Chaton Cheri in her boxing gear, ready to fight against Big Mean Carl, while Yolanda sits on the ropes in the back, dressed as a referee)

(MUSIC CUE - “Battle Cry”, originally performed by Beth Crowley)

(Chaton Cheri and Big Mean Carl circle around each other for a moment)

YOLANDA: I have no heart, just ice and stone, made up of nails and teeth and bones. And I know exactly what I’m for; to hurt and destroy and nothing more.

(Chaton Cheri and Big Mean Carl both raise their fists)

YOLANDA: And if it’s true that I was made, I still don’t know if I can change

(Chaton Cheri and Big Mean Carl begin to box)

YOLANDA: But something has stirred, a beast has awakened. Open the door, there’s no mistaking, waging a war; it’s fighting inside of me

(Big Mean Carl attempts to clinch Chaton Cheri)

YOLANDA: So hear my battle cry, I’m out for blood, to claim what’s mine; finally questioning if I am my own worst, I am my own worst, I am my own worst enemy

(Chaton Cheri breaks fee)

YOLANDA: I never thought that I could love; strangers at night were good enough. But love’s not a thing you get to choose; try to resist, you’ll always lose.

(Chaton Cheri knocks down Big Mean Carl)

YOLANDA: I made a deal to sell my soul, but lately I have dared to hope

(Big Mean Carl gets back up)

YOLANDA: That something has stirred, a beast has awakened. Open the door, there’s no mistaking, waging a war; it’s fighting inside of me

(Chaton Cheri hops back)

YOLANDA: So hear my battle cry, I’m out for blood, to claim what’s mine; finally questioning if I am my own worst, I am my own worst, I am my own worst enemy

(Chaton Cheri lands her second knockout)

YOLANDA: Tell my secrets to the wind. Flying, I feel infinite

(The match continues in a rapid pace)

YOLANDA: Cause something has stirred, a beast has awakened. Open the door, there’s no mistaking, waging a war; it’s fighting inside of me… So hear my battle cry, I’m out for blood, to claim what’s mine; finally questioning if I am my own worst, I am my own worst, I am my own worst enemy

(Chaton Cheri knocks down Big Mean Carl for the third and last time. Rizzo scampers out in a referee costume)

RIZZO: TKO!

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Hoy Quarlow and Narcis Prince)

NARCIS PRINCE: (peering through opera glasses) Is that the only relation to boxing here?

HOY QUARLOW: They must not be thinking outside the box!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 4 - Backstage 

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Kermit is on the phone. Floyd is standing nearby)

KERMIT: Okay. …Okay. Thank you, ma’am.

(He hangs up the phone as Katrina enters from the right)

KERMIT: The Needle hasn’t found any more clues.

FLOYD: No? How far could they have gone?

KERMIT: Well, she knows they’re still in the city. She just doesn’t know where.

KATRINA: If she finds them being held hostage, I’ll come and beat up the kidnappers for you.

KERMIT: Uh, that’s very noble of you, Miss Beaufort, but I don’t think that will be necessary.

KATRINA: Are you kidding? I owe a lot to Lips. When I was eight, my crazy aunt almost kidnapped me from a shopping mall. If Lips didn’t stop her, I would probably be in another country with my name changed right now. I am perfectly willing to take a few hits to bring him home.

FLOYD: You’d do the same for Zoot, right?

KATRINA: Well, of course; I don’t need history with someone to save them from a kidnapper.

(As they discuss, the camera shifts focus to a higher level backstage. Gonzo is studying one of the maple leaves from the opening, while the Swedish Chef stands to his left (the audience’s right), looking depressed)

GONZO: How do they get syrup from these, anyway? I’ve tried them; they don’t taste very good.

(The Swedish Chef does not respond to this. Gonzo looks over at him.)

GONZO: Hey, you look really sad, what’s wrong?

SWEDISH CHEF: (sigh) Hëěsa løøøøøønly dïshvĕrn.

GONZO: You miss your wife?

SWEDISH CHEF: Hm. (he nods)

GONZO: Oh, I’m sorry. I bet she’s watching us on TV right now and waiting for your segment.

SWEDISH CHEF: Ishvë våytïng?

GONZO: Yeah. She probably misses you too. If she’s watching right now, you should make her proud!

SWEDISH CHEF: Yē!

GONZO: So go for it! Perform like your wife’s in the front row!

SWEDISH CHEF: Hïshä cøøøøøømîn, Kïrstïĕ! (he runs off and exits on the left)

GONZO: Go! Go! Run! Be free! (he looks at the camera) I could definitely make it as a motivational speaker.

Segment 5 - Swedish Chef vs. French Chef: Taco Salad

(INT. KITCHEN - The Swedish Chef and French Chef are on stage together, each holding a head of lettuce)

(MUSIC CUE - The Swedish Chef’s Theme)

SWEDISH CHEF: Yeeer bish deern de rin he dinke do, len borsh ke rin dish ke do, børk børk børk!

(The Swedish Chef throws the lettuce behind his head. The French Chef reaches back and catches it before it hits the floor.)

SWEDISH CHEF: Helloooooo, Kaneeda! Hede, ve me drive de tacoo salad.

FRENCH CHEF: Pour couker une salade du taco, tu besoin du laituce, du tomate, du chez…

(The French Chef places a variety of taco ingredients on the table. Meanwhile, the Swedish Chef takes out a tray of tacos.)

SWEDISH CHEF: He we ge de tacoos.

FRENCH CHEF: Non non, c’est salade du taco, pas taco régulière.

SWEDISH CHEF: Ee we pude tacoos in de salad.

(The Swedish Chef puts the tacos into a bowl and mixes them together. The French Chef puts her ingredients into another bowl.)

SWEDISH CHEF: Eefur de finé tooche, de hoty sosy.

(The Swedish Chef ducks down and pulls out a comically large bottle of hot sauce. The French Chef turns around too late to duck, and gets knocked right out. The Swedish Chef notices her fall onto the floor.)

SWEDISH CHEF (extremely nonchalant): Auvoir.

(SFX CUE: Laughter from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Hoy Quarlow and Narcis Prince)

NARCIS PRINCE: What on Earth was that? In what country does anyone make taco salad like that?

HOY QUARLOW: It must be a recipe from his native land.

NARCIS PRINCE: Sweden?

HOY QUARLOW: Mars!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(INT. BACKSTAGE - The Swedish Chef drags the unconscious French Chef backstage. Kermit and Fozzie are at the table.)

KERMIT: Is she still breathing?

(The Swedish Chef ducks down for a minute.)

SWEDISH CHEF: Ye.

(The Swedish Chef continued dragging the French Chef away. Kermit shakes his head.)

KERMIT: Not even moving countries stop the madness around here.

FOZZIE: Hey, it’s better than having no show.

KERMIT: Oh, I’d like to have a show. Just one where we don’t have someone lose consciousness. (he looks at the camera) Sheesh.

Segment 6 - Muppet Labs: Anti-Brain Freeze Headband

(INT. MUPPET LABS - Zoom out from the clock to show the full set. Bunsen and Beaker are standing at the table)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Now, we know that Canada is known for its very cold climate, and with that comes the increased risk of developing brain freeze.

BEAKER: Me-me me-ME-me-me. (as if to say “That doesn’t correlate.”)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Well, you don’t have to worry about the temperature of your temporals anymore, because here it is, friends, the Muppet Labs Anti-Brain Freeze Headband.

(Bunsen presents the headband.)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: All you need to do is slip this neat little doohickey onto your head, and when the temperatures drop, it’ll keep your head nice and toasty. Come, Beaker, let’s put it on.

(Bunsen places the headband on Beaker’s head.)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Now, we will lower the room’s temperature to demonstrate the headband’s power.

(Bunsen turns the thermostat down. The headband kicks in and lights Beaker’s hair on fire. Beaker shrieks. Bunsen quickly removes the headband and pats out the fire.)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Hm…I’ll have to adjust the intensity of this thing. Nonetheless, this headband has an adjustable fit, so it can be worn by anyone. Bugs, bears, kitty cats, even…Beaker’s twin sister, Flask!

(Bunsen and Beaker look at each other, and burst out laughing)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW (through laughter): Twin sister! Where do I come up with these things?

(They continue to laugh, until a third Muppet who looks identical to Beaker, safe for a ponytail and pink bow on her head, enters on the left.)

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

FLASK: Me-me.

(Bunsen and Beaker notice her and stop laughing.)

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW: Oh. Um… g-good evening, miss.

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Narcis Prince and Hoy Quarlow)

NARCIS PRINCE: What was that?

HOY QUARLOW: I don’t know, but it wasn’t that bad.

NARCIS PRINCE: Dear me, this show is starting to rot your brain.

HOY QUARLOW: Please, your cologne’s been doing that all night! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Narcis looks angry)

Segment 7 - Right Here Waiting

(INT. STAGE - The curtains are drawn. Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Okay…well, those last few acts didn’t go as planned, but we’re almost done here tonight. And to send us off on a high note, may I introduce our special guest once again, Miss Katrina Beaufort!

(Kermit slides offstage as the curtains open. Katrina appears under a spotlight, dressed in a sparkly pink ball gown with chiffon sleeves.)

(SFX CUE - Indistinct calls from Katrina’s family, wanting her attention)

(MUSIC CUE - “Right Here Waiting”, originally by Richard Marx)

(Katrina curtsies her skirt before she begins to sing)

KATRINA: Oceans apart, day after day, and I slowly go insane. I hear your voice on the line, but it doesn’t stop the pain. If I see you next to never, how can we say forever?

(The lights go up, showing Rowlf playing piano and Janice playing guitar to accompany her)

KATRINA: Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you. Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks, I will be right here waiting for you.

JANICE: I took for granted all the times that I thought would last somehow. I hear your laughter, I taste the tears…but I can’t get near you now

KATRINA: Oh, can’t you see it, baby? You’ve got me going crazy… Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you. Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks, I will be right here waiting for you. I wonder how we can survive this romance…

KATRINA/JANICE: But in the end, if I’m with you, I’ll take the chance!

(MUSIC CUE - Instrumental break)

(INT. AUDIENCE - We see a shot of Katrina’s family - left to right, dad Joe holding baby sister Paige, stepfather Viktor, girlfriend Hilda, Aunt Lizzie, and Aunt Marlowe - watching her performance with love in their eyes)

KATRINA: Oh, can’t you see it, baby?

JANICE: You’ve got me going crazy…

KATRINA: Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you. Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks, I will be right here waiting for you.

(MUSIC CUE - Settle to just a piano solo by Rowlf)

ROWLF: Waiting for you…

(MUSIC CUE - Music ends)

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

(Katrina once again curtsies her skirt. Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Wow, what an amazing performance! Can we get another round of applause for Katrina Beaufort!

(SFX CUE - Louder applause from the audience)

KERMIT: Yeah! Now, we’ll be here for several more weeks while we search for our-

(Animal runs across the stage)

ANIMAL: BRASS GUYS! BRASS GUYS!

KERMIT: Right, for our missing band members!

JANICE: They’re still missing, Animal!

KERMIT: Thank you and good night! Yaaaaaay!

(The Muppets all follow Animal as the credits roll)

NARCIS PRINCE: Hasn’t anyone told them that a saxophone is a woodwind and not brass?

HOY QUARLOW: Why bother? You wanna lose a finger trying to talk sense into him?

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Chapter Text

Segment 1 - Opening + Barbra Streisand

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Scooter knocks on a door and enters)

SCOOTER: Jaiden Holmes? Fifteen seconds to curtains, Mrs. Holmes.

(INT. DRESSING ROOM - Jaiden is seated at the vanity)

JAIDEN: Thank you. (huffs, shakes her head) What a show I signed up for. Bears telling jokes and pigs who can sing!

(Gonzo slides in from the left)

GONZO: These are a few of my favourite things! (laughs and mugs for the camera)

(INT. STAGE - The “The Muppet Show” slide. Kermit peeks out through the "O" in "Show")

KERMIT: It’s the Muppet Show, with our very special guest, Mrs. Jaiden Holmes! Yaaaaay!

(MUSIC CUE - The Muppet Show Theme: Toronto Edition)

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience. Kermit enters the stage from the left.)

KERMIT: Thank you, thank you! Ladies and gentlemen, friends of all ages, we have a very exciting show for you tonight! And that is because our guest star is the beautiful and talented kickboxer, violinist, and singer, Mrs. Jaiden Holmes!

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

KERMIT: Yeah! Now to start us off, we have a song from our youngest and…sort of, cutest performers in our entourage, here to perform a disco hit inspired by long-time singer and unintentional law namesake. May I present, Bobby Benson’s Baby Band!

(Kermit slides off stage to the left. The curtains open to reveal the baby band.)

(MUSIC CUE - “Barbra Streisand”, originally performed by Duck Sauce)

(Baby #1 plays a guitar, while Baby #2 keeps the beat with a drum machine. To match the song, the babies all stop at once to deliver the lyric.)

BABIES: Barbra Streisand!

(Baby #3 plays the melody on a xylophone. The babies again stop at the lyric)

BABIES: Barbra Streisand!

(This time, Baby #4 plays the melody on a trumpet)

BABIES: Barbra Streisand!

(Baby #1 plays a guitar riff to end the song. Bobby Benson pops his head up from his conducting place.)

BOBBY: Hey, the song isn’t over yet!

BABY #1: What left is there? The song just repeats itself!

BABY #2: Yeah! Next time, let us do some Justin Bieber!

BOBBY: What? No!

(The band all argue with each other as the curtains are drawn.)

(INT. BALCONY - This time, Auntie Chen and Auntie Ping have taken over for Statler and Waldorf)

PING: What did you think of that?

CHEN: My enjoyment has eroded!

BOTH: Oooohohohoho!

Segment 2 - Fozzie’s Standup: Hotel

(INT. BACKSTAGE - The baby band shuffles in from the right. Kermit watches from his table. Floyd is on the balcony behind him.)

KERMIT: Okay…that could have gone better.

FLOYD: (sigh) That trumpet just wasn’t as good as Lips…

(Fozzie enters from the left)

FOZZIE: Aw, geez, Kermit, are you sure you want me to do an act two shows in a row?

KERMIT: Yeah, the people here love you.

FOZZIE: Boy, Canadians are a nice bunch. Our old audiences never laughed at my jokes.

KERMIT: Perhaps it is a cultural difference. Alright, you’re on. Go. Go!

(Fozzie scurries on stage)

(INT. STAGE - The curtains open to reveal a street background.)

(SFX CUE - Fozzie’s opening sting)

FOZZIE: Good evening, Canada! Welcome back to the Muppet Show! I tell ya, next time I plan a vacation, I’m pickin’ To-ron-to as my destination, because your hotels are amazing! Okay, okay, here’s the story: When we got to our hotel, we were all sorting out who’s going in what room. One went just to our chickens; it was a quick chick-in!

(SFX CUE - Some light chuckles from the audience)

FOZZIE: Haaah! So we all get to our rooms, okay, and I’m with Kermit, Gonzo, and Rizzo. And I thought to myself; Kermit’s the only one of us without a Z in his name. He must have trouble sleeping! Hah, wocka wocka!

(SFX CUE - Some laughs, while other audience members don’t get it)

PING (offscreen): Listen, bear, have you been to the CN Tower yet?

(Cut to an over-the-shoulder shot. The balcony is now visible.)

FOZZIE: Uh, not yet. We’ve been pretty busy investigating, see?

CHEN: I can’t believe you haven’t CN it! (seen it)

PING/CHEN: Ooohohohohohoho!

(Back to focus shot)

FOZZIE: Ah huh. Well, let me tell ya, hotel breakfast really hits the spot! 

(He holds up a paper with a big spot on it and punches it)

FOZZIE: Hah! And it gave me a great idea for a joke! What do you call someone who demolishes Frosted Flakes in the morning?

RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER: What?

FOZZIE: A cereal killer! Haaah!

(SFX CUE - Rimshot, followed by laughter from the audience)

FOZZIE: Okay, one more, one more. Now, is there a bear in the audience who can help me with this?

(INT. AUDIENCE - Focus on Mei Lee and her squad. Mei raises a hand.)

MEI: Would a panda do?

(INT. STAGE - Back to Fozzie)

FOZZIE: Sure! Bring that panda up here! 

(Mei climbs up onto the stage and poofs into her panda form)

FOZZIE: Wah-ha-ha! 

MEI: Ta da!

FOZZIE: I was not expecting that! Alright, alright, joke: What do you call a bear who needs to brush his hair?

MEI: Abby?

ABBY (offscreen): HEY!

FOZZIE: No…a frizzly! Wocka wocka!

(SFX CUE - Fozzie’s ending sting)

(INT. BALCONY - Auntie Chen and Auntie Ping)

PING: That’s our little Mei-Mei! Yay!

BOTH: Yaaay!

CHEN: Hey, now we sound like that frog!

BOTH: Ooohohohohoho!

Segment 3 - Jaiden’s Kickboxing

(INT. STAGE - The curtains are drawn. Kermit enters from the left.)

KERMIT: Okay, thank you! Now, allow us to dazzle and impress you with tonight’s special guest star, as she shows us her talent with kickboxing. Please welcome, Mrs. Jaiden Holmes! Yaaaaay!

(The curtains open, revealing Jaiden under a spotlight, wearing an orange boxing uniform with blue stripes on the shorts, a blue #4 on her top, and blue boxing gloves, next to a punching bag. In the background, Hamantha Pig sits upon a synth box)

(MUSIC CUE - “Holding Out for a Hero”, performed by Bonnie Tyler)

(Jaiden hops on her toes to warm up)

HAMANTHA: Where have all the good men gone and where are all the gods? Where’s the street-wise Hercules to fight the rising odds?

(Jaiden starts to throw punches)

HAMANTHA: Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed? Late at night, I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need!

(Jaiden jumps up and kicks the punching bag, making it swing way back)

HAMANTHA: I need a hero!

(Jaiden catches the punching bag when it swings back)

HAMANTHA: I’m holding out for a hero till the end of the night!

(Jaiden continues to fight the punching bag)

HAMANTHA: Oh, he’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast, and he’s gotta be fresh from the night! I need a hero!

(Jaiden throws two punches in rhythm with “hero”)

HAMANTHA: I’m holding out for a hero till the morning light! Oh, he’s gotta be sure, and it’s gotta be soon, and he’s gotta be larger than life! Larger than life~

(Jaiden kicks the punching bag clean off its chain and into the backstage area. Several tall Muppets enter the stage holding boards for her to break.)

HAMANTHA: Somewhere after midnight, in my wildest fantasies

(Sweetums holds up the first board. Jaiden kicks it clean in half)

HAMANTHA: Somewhere just beyond my reach is someone reaching back for me

(More of the big Muppets hold up boards)

HAMANTHA: Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat

(Jaiden kicks the boards into pieces)

HAMANTHA: It’s gonna take a Superman to sweep me off my feet! I need a hero!

(The tall Muppets back up and become background dancers for Jaiden. Sweetums picks Jaiden up for an aerial split kick)

HAMANTHA: I’m holding out for a hero till the end of the night!

(Jaiden, despite wearing boxing gloves, is able to turn two cartwheels)

HAMANTHA: Oh, he’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast, and he’s gotta be fresh from the fight! I need a hero!

(Jaiden does a sort of punch dance)

HAMANTHA: I’m holding out for a hero till the morning light! Oh, he’s gotta be sure, and it’s gotta be soon, and he’s gotta be larger than life! I need a hero!

(Miss Piggy enters the stage in a karate uniform and boxing gloves)

MISS PIGGY: You think you’ve got an edge on me, sister? Let me show you how it’s done!

(Miss Piggy and Jaiden begin to spar. Jaiden blocks punches and hops back for a kick attack)

MISS PIGGY: Oh, I’m not giving up that easily! HIIII-YAH!

(Miss Piggy karate chops one of Jaiden’s legs away, but Jaiden still kicks her in the face with the other leg)

HAMANTHA: Oh, he’s gotta be sure, and it’s gonna be soon, and he’s gotta be fresh from the fight! I need a hero!

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

(Miss Piggy and Jaiden both get back up and shake hands)

(INT. BALCONY - Auntie Chen and Auntie Ping)

CHEN: That act was like kung pao chicken.

PING: How so?

CHEN: It had a kick to it!

PING: Oooohohohohoho!

Segment 4 - Backstage 

(INT. BACKSTAGE - As Kermit shoos Lew Zealand on stage, the Needle comes up the stairs from the entrance, accompanied by an adult Summer Penguin.)

THE NEEDLE: Mr. Kermit!

KERMIT: (turns around) Oh, Miss Needle, you’re back! Any news?

THE NEEDLE: This is Summer Penguin. 

SUMMER: Good evening!

THE NEEDLE: She’s the curator of the local creative arts museum. She claims to have seen Zoot and Lips before they disappeared.

KERMIT: Really? Oh, that’s great! Tell me, what happened?

SUMMER: It was a long weekend, and the museum was hosting a local musicians’ showcase. Those two guys in the photo that Miss Needle showed me were there, and they performed some jazz.

THE NEEDLE: According to the poster I was shown, that showcase took place two days before the disappearance. I interviewed the workers at the businesses close to the museum, and none of them have seen Zoot or Lips before.

KERMIT: Odd…what kind of businesses were they?

THE NEEDLE: Well, there was a library, a bar, a wedding boutique, and a record store. If you ask me, the record store is the most suspicious. That seems like the place those two would enjoy.

SUMMER: What are we gonna do?

THE NEEDLE: We need someone to return to the record store undercover and ask more questions. Someone who the owners won’t suspect is working for me.

KERMIT: Hm…

(Kermit looks around the room and spots Rizzo on the stairs.)

KERMIT: Oh, Rizzo! He could do it!

RIZZO: Do what?

THE NEEDLE: (showing a photo of the record store) We need you to enter this store and investigate. Dig up anything you can find; secret logs, security footage, contraband, the whole nine yards.

KERMIT: You’re good at getting into small places, and you can talk your way in or out of anything. You’re perfect for the job!

RIZZO: Perfect, eh? Well, if you insist, I guess I could go check that joint out. I hear vinyl is “in” these days.

KERMIT: Great! Alright, you discuss the details with Miss Needle. I gotta go introduce the next act.

(Kermit scurries off to the right)

Segment 5 - The Long Way Around

(INT. STAGE - Curtains are drawn. Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Alrighty, and we are back! Now we hear that Canada has an excellent Guiding program for young girls all across the country, and to that, we’d like to showcase our very own Frog Scouts, accompanied by our guest star, Mrs. Jaiden Holmes! Let’s get ready to camp it up!

(Kermit ducks offscreen as the curtains open. The Frog Scouts sit in a circle around a prop campfire, alongside Jaiden who is now dressed like a farmer and holding a violin)

(MUSIC CUE - “The Long Way Around”, originally performed by the Chicks)

ROBIN: My friends from preschool moved with their preschool boyfriends

FROG SCOUT #1: Livin’ in houses in the same ZIP codes as their grandparents, but I, I could never follow

ALL: No I, I could never follow

JAIDEN: I hit the highway, in a big orange van with stars on the ceiling, lived like a nomad, twelve strong hands on the steering wheel

ALL: I’ve been a long time gone now! Maybe someday, someday I’m gonna settle down! But I’ve always found my way somehow, taking the long way! Taking the long way around!

ROBIN: Taking the long way! Taking the long way ‘round!

(Jaiden has a violin solo during the instrumental break)

ROBIN: I met the queen alligator

FROG SCOUT #1: Drank juice with penguins

FROG SCOUT #2: Swam with the dolphins

JAIDEN: Moved with the shakers, wouldn’t kiss all the asses that they told me to, no I, I could never follow

ALL: No I, I could never follow~ It’s been two long years now, since the top of the world came crashing down, and I’m getting it back on the road somehow, taking the long way! Taking the long way around!

JAIDEN: Taking the long way! Taking the long way ‘round!

(MUSIC CUE - Guitar riff to end the song)

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Auntie Chen and Auntie Ping)

PING: The question is, where does the long way around go?

CHEN: The question is, who cares?

BOTH: Oooohohohohohoho!

Segment 6 - Muppet Melodrama: Love Triangle

(INT. STAGE - An opulent living room with a fainting couch. Wayne and Wanda stand centre stage)

(MUSIC CUE - Dramatic organ music)

WAYNE: Is there any sight more beautiful than your face?

WANDA: Yes, my love; yours!

(A random Muppet disguised in a cloak and Groucho glasses enters from the right. Wayne and Wanda gasp)

WAYNE: A competitor? I thought you only had eyes for me!

WANDA: I swear to the heavens, I have never seen that man in my life!

WAYNE: I won’t listen! I cannot bear to lose you to anyone! You, strange man! We shall duel at midnight for this fair maiden’s hand!

RANDOM MUPPET: Who says I want her? You two are in my house!

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

WAYNE: Why, you cur! Show your wretched face to me!

(Wayne rips the disguise off, revealing Gonzo underneath)

GONZO: Hey, man! I don’t get naked in front of strangers!

(Gonzo scrambles off stage)

WAYNE (stepping closer to the audience): Very well. You are simply too cowardly to fight me. No matter. What is important is that my one true love cannot be stolen away. No longer will I fret that her loyalty is waning. No longer-

(Wayne steps too far and falls right off the stage)

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Auntie Chen and Auntie Ping)

CHEN: Is that the state of romantic drama these days?

PING: Sun Yee help us all.

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Wanda shuffles in, followed by Wayne, whose head is now bandaged up. Kermit and Gonzo watch.)

KERMIT: I really gotta stop booking them for acts. They never end well.

GONZO: That guy tore the clothes right off my person! How rude!

KERMIT: (shakes his head) Sheesh. Well, at least this last act will be better. We’re bringing in a guest band.

GONZO: Really? Who?

KERMIT: Why, Mrs. Holmes’ husband happens to have connections to one of the most popular retro-pop groups in recent times!

GONZO: Retro? I love retro! How retro are they?

KERMIT: Uh, it says they were founded in 1998.

GONZO: ‘98 is retro now? 

KERMIT: Yeah…really makes you feel old, huh?

Segment 7 - 1 True Love

(INT. STAGE - Curtains are drawn, lights are dim)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Mrs. Jaiden Holmes.

(The curtains open.)

(MUSIC CUE - “1 True Love”, originally performed by 4*Town)

(LIGHTING CUE - A white spotlight on Jaiden, now dressed in a deep blue evening gown)

JAIDEN: Heavy rain, from my cloudy eyes, every time you say that isn’t why I used to call you babe. But you’re the light of my life~

(LIGHTING CUE - The spotlight turns from white to blue)

JAIDEN: I drove by your house twenty-nine times today, nobody else could make me feel this way. Nobody else, nobody else…

(LIGHTING CUE - The stage lights up in pink and white, revealing all of 4*Town on the stage, dressed in white)

ALL: Cause you have opened my eyes and stolen my heart, you make me leave that love can be art, and I could never survive a minute apart, you are my one true love

AARON T./TAE-YOUNG (harmony): My one true love

JAIDEN: My heaven above, my one true love

(As the music picks up, the band gently moves their arms to the melody, like they are doing yoga or tai chi)

JAIDEN: Heavy rain on a Saturday, when you said my name in the saddest way

JAIDEN/ROBAIRE/AARON Z.: Nothing numbs the pain

JAIDEN: You’re still the light of my life

JESSE: (approaching his wife) I drove by your house ten thousand times last year

JAIDEN: Nobody else wanted to dry my tears

JAIDEN/JESSE: Nobody else, nobody else…

(Both Aarons take Jaiden’s shoulders and remove the evening gown top, revealing a chic white sundress and matching sandals underneath)

JAIDEN: Cause you have opened my eyes and stolen my heart

JESSE: You make me believe that love can be art

JAIDEN/JESSE: And I could never survive a minute apart

ALL: You are my one true love!

ROBAIRE/TAE-YOUNG/AARON T./AARON Z.: My one true love

JESSE: (dipping Jaiden) My heaven above

JAIDEN: My one true love

(INT. AUDIENCE - As the song winds down, we see a focus shot of Jaiden and Jesse’s twins, Zach and Kayla, in the audience, being watched by Aaron T.’s mother Florencia and Tae-young’s grandmother Aera. The twins are awestruck)

(INT. STAGE - Back to 4*Town)

JAIDEN/JESSE: Nobody else

(They smooch.)

(SFX CUE - Wild applause from the audience)

(The curtains close. Kermit enters from the left in his own little white outfit)

KERMIT: Brava, brava! Let’s hear it for our guest star, Mrs. Jaiden Holmes! Yaaaay!

(Jaiden enters from behind the curtains)

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

KERMIT: Mrs. Holmes, do you have any parting words for our audience tonight?

ZACH/KAYLA (offscreen): Mommy! Mommy!

JAIDEN (elated): I love my babies! (she waves to her kids)

KERMIT: She loves her babies! Ain’t that wonderful! We’ll see you next time on the Muppet Show!

(The Muppets mob Jaiden as the credits roll)

PING: Do you believe in true love?

CHEN: Every time I eat Jin’s cooking!

PING: Ooooohohohohoho!

Chapter Text

Toronto is a capital city, and naturally there is a lot of hustle and bustle there, particularly in the large metropolitan areas. For some, it may be considered the New York City of Canada; the perfect place for a street-smart, pizza-loving rat like Rizzo to blend in.

Late in the evening, Rizzo was sent out on a mission to the record store near the museum. An investigation from the Muppets' hired detective found some suspicious activity happening inside, and Rizzo agreed to visit the place to scope things out. To look more discreet and innocent, he dressed in a band shirt with jeans and some hip sunglasses.

When Rizzo entered the store, it seemed empty. There wasn't anyone looking at the vinyl, or standing behind the counter. Curious, he looked through the offerings, pretending to be an ordinary customer. He noticed something strange about the records; their titles seemed to be misspelled, and their font was inconsistent. One of them read "Many Blesssigs by Koriandr Marklar"; Rizzo knew that wasn't how you were supposed to spell "blessings", and he had never heard of Koriandr Marklar before. It was almost like a robot had made them up...

"Can I help you?" A man suddenly appeared next to Rizzo.

"Huh?" Rizzo jumped a bit and looked up. "Oh, I'm good, I'm just lookin' at all you got here." He glanced at the records again. "But while I got your attention, I do have some things I gotta ask you."

"Oh?" The man knelt down to Rizzo's level. "What can I do for you?"

"Well," started Rizzo, "some of my friends have gone missing, and they were apparently last seen close to a place like this. I was wondering, have you seen 'em?"

"What do your friends look like?" The man asked.

"Zoot's a fairly small dude," explained Rizzo. "I mean, small for a Whatnot. He's got blue skin, curly blue hair, he usually wears a hat and glasses. Lips is taller than him, okay, he's a big dude, got really poofy blonde hair, a goatee."

"Hmm..." The man allowed Rizzo up onto his shoulders. "I think I might have seen your friends." He walked towards the supply closet in the back. "Do they play brass instruments?"

"Yeah!" Rizzo exclaimed. "Zoot's on sax, and Lips plays trumpet!"

"Of course, of course," said the man. "Y'see, they made a deal with me...but here's the thing: they haven't held up their part yet."

"Huh?" Rizzo was confused.

"Take 'em away." The man stuffed Rizzo into a sock and handed him off to two big, buff Whatnot bodyguards, who carried him away to an unknown location. 

"Hey! What gives? Get me out of here!" Rizzo squirmed and flailed around inside the sock until he was dumped into a room, where the door was locked behind him. Rizzo crawled out of the sock and pawed at the door. "What is going on?!"

"Rizzo?" 

Rizzo turned around when he heard a familiar voice. "Zoot!" He exclaimed. "Oh my god, you're alive!"

"What are you doing here?" Zoot asked. "How did you find us?"

"The whole gang came to Toronto to rescue you!" Rizzo explained. "We got a private investigator and everything! Oh, boy, the boss is gonna be so happy that you're okay!"

"I might be okay," said Zoot, "but Lips isn't doing too well." He turned to the left, where Lips lay weak and wheezing. "He's picked up somethin' real nasty, and it just keeps getting worse."

"Oh, dude." Rizzo climbed up onto the mattress. "What are we gonna do?"

"If we can get out of here, I'm gonna find a doctor," said Zoot. "Except, I don't know how to get out of here."

"Neither do I." Rizzo flicked his tail. "But I bet our friends will find us!"

Chapter Text

Segment 1 - Opening + Talk Spot: Sesame Street

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Scooter knocks on a door and enters)

SCOOTER: Isabelle Brandon? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Brandon.

(INT. DRESSING ROOM - Isabelle is seated at a table with Gonzo.)

ISABELLE: Thank you, Scooter. (she brandishes her magic wand) Now, let’s see if this will work out.

(Isabelle twirls her wand and creates a curly blonde wig with a tiara on Gonzo’s head)

GONZO: I love it!

(They laugh, and Gonzo mugs for the camera)

(INT. STAGE - The “The Muppet Show” slide. Kermit, wearing a witch’s hat, peeks out through the “O” in “Show”)

KERMIT: It’s the Muppet Show, with our very special guest, Miss Isabelle Brandon! Yaaaay!

(MUSIC CUE - The Muppet Show Theme, Toronto Edition)

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience. Kermit enters from the left, wearing his reporter’s outfit)

KERMIT: Thank you, thank you everyone! Welcome back to the Muppet Show! We have a very magical night planned for you, and that is because our guest star is the very talented young witch, Miss Isabelle Brandon!

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

KERMIT: Yeah! And she’s not the only guest we have tonight, as you will soon see! As you may know, the Muppet Show has always shared a great deal of overlap with our friends over at Sesame Street, and-

(SFX CUE - Kermit is interrupted with some cheers)

KERMIT: Yes, very exciting! Now, we have some representatives from Sesame Street here today to discuss the goings-on at PBS, which from what I understand have been quite messy recently.

(The curtains open to reveal the Talk Spot couch, where Grover and Elmo are seated. Kermit takes his place)

KERMIT: Hi-ho, Grover and Elmo!

GROVER: Heyyyy, froggy! (he claps Kermit on the back)

KERMIT: Heh…we’re still doing that, I guess.

(All laugh)

KERMIT: So, I hear that PBS has been having a lot of problems with funding this year.

ELMO: Yeah. Lots of people had to leave ‘cause they’re running out of money. Elmo and Grover decided to help out by going to work at Wendy’s.

KERMIT: Ah, Wendy’s! I was a big fan of their Sweet Swamp Frosty promotion back in ‘99.

(Grover and Elmo look at each other and laugh)

GROVER: Hah! The froggy thinks we are talking about the restaurant! No, no, Mr. Kermit, Wendy is a friend of ours who owns a Chartreuse Salon!

(An Anything Muppet with green hair pops out from behind the couch)

WENDY: Hiya, handsome! You lookin’ for a youthful perfume?

KERMIT: Huh! (looks at the camera) What a world we live in. (back to focus) So, what is the service like at the Chartreuse Salon?

WENDY: Oh, we specialize in products and procedures with letters that make the same sound! For instance, we have a discount going on the Lively Dye!

ELMO: The “I” and the “Y” make the same sound!

GROVER: Yes, yes, my favourite haircut to do is the Pheasant Fluff! It is the cutest curly ‘do.

WENDY: The “PH” in “pheasant” and the “F” in “Fluff” sound the same!

KERMIT: Very interesting! Well, I’m glad you could all make it to the Muppet Show tonight. Around here, we deliver more than just phony fun!

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience and performers)

(INT. BALCONY - This time, Isabelle’s best friends Marcy and Honna have taken over for Statler and Waldorf)

MARCY: What was that?

HONNA: That was like a phonics lesson and a standup routine had a baby.

MARCY: Big deal. When you have a baby brother, that’s every family meal!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 2 - Veterinarian’s Hospital: Broomita

(INT. HOSPITAL - Nurse Piggy stuffs a mess of gloves back into their box before going to the table where Dr. Bob and Nurse Janice are standing.)

ANNOUNCER: And now, we return to Veterinarian’s Hospital, the continuing stoooooory of a quack who’s gone to the dogs.

NURSE JANICE: Ooh, Dr. Bob, what do we have today?

DR. BOB: A very sticky situation indeed, but nothing we can’t clean up!

(Dr. Bob removes the blanket, revealing Broomita, Isabelle’s magic broom, underneath)

NURSE PIGGY: My, a magic broomstick! However did you end up here?

DR. BOB: She went to visit the chickens when the guests got here. They made her fly the coop!

(All laugh)

NURSE JANICE: Is it an emergency?

NURSE PIGGY: Of course not; look how cute she is with that purple ribbon tied around her stick!

(All laugh)

DR. BOB: Hm…I diagnose her with dustosis.

NURSE JANICE: What’s that?

DR. BOB: It’s the new virus that’s sweeping the nation!

(All laugh, then dart their heads around as the announcer comes in)

ANNOUNCER: And so, Dr. Bob has completed a successful checkup for a rare animate object. Tune in next time, where you’ll hear Nurse Piggy say…

NURSE PIGGY: Oh, you’re such a good patient! (she tickles Broomita’s bristles) Coochie coo!

(SFX CUE - A sneeze. Broomita blasts Nurse Piggy in the face with fairy dust.)

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Marcy and Honna)

MARCY: Do you think the broom was waiting to do that?

HONNA: Probably. I bet her bit will sweep at the awards ceremony!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 3 - Magic Tricks

(INT. STAGE - The curtains are drawn. Kermit, back into his normal attire, enters from the right.)

KERMIT: Thank you, thank you! Now we have come to our starring attraction of the evening. Our very own Isabelle Brandon is here to perform a series of magic tricks with her amazing witch powers!

AUDIENCE LOON #1 (offscreen): Witchcraft!

AUDIENCE LOON #2 (offscreen): Burn the witch!

KERMIT: Hey, keep it down over there! This theatre is a safe place for all magical beings!

AUDIENCE LOON #1 (offscreen): Unholy monster!

AUDIENCE LOON #2 (offscreen): God forsake thee!

KERMIT: Oh, for crying out loud, she’s a fourteen year old girl! A-and when’s the last time a witch hurt anyone, anyway?

(INT. AUDIENCE - The two shouting people, revealed to be literal loon birds)

AUDIENCE LOON #1: Witches destroyed Oz!

AUDIENCE LOON #2: Oz isn’t real.

AUDIENCE LOON #1: Yes he is, he’s backstage!

AUDIENCE LOON #2: What are you even talking about?

(INT. STAGE - Kermit scrunches his face.)

KERMIT: Sheesh…ladies and gentleman, Isabelle Brandon!

(SFX CUE - A trumpet fanfare. Kermit ducks off stage as the curtains open. Isabelle appears dressed in the traditional Lovely Witch attire of a velvet cloak and flower crown)

ISABELLE: Thank you! Who’s ready to see some magic?

(SFX CUE - Cheers from the audience)

ISABELLE: Alright! For my first trick, I will turn these silk scarves into butterflies!

(She pulls the classic silk scarves from her sleeve, folds them together, and with a swish of her wand, she turns them into a flutter of butterflies)

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

ISABELLE: Beautiful creatures, aren’t they?

(The butterflies fly away offstage)

ISABELLE: Alright, and now, I will make a dog appear out of thin air!

(She places a sheet on the ground, draws an infinity sign with her wand, and pulls the sheet away, revealing her puppy Cake underneath)

CAKE: Arf!

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience. Cake trots off stage)

ISABELLE: Yeah! And now, I will make a bouquet float!

(She makes a bouquet appear, then twirls circles with her wand to make it fly.)

(INT. AUDIENCE - The flowers float into the audience, decorating the guests’ heads)

AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m beautiful!

(INT. STAGE - Back to Isabelle)

ISABELLE: Alright, one more; I will make it rain Swedish meatballs! Can I get some helpers on stage, please?

(Broomita flies on stage for Isabelle to perch on. She creates a cloud in the air. On the ground, the Swedish Chef enters with a bowl, dragging the French Chef along with him)

SWEDISH CHEF: Clara, ish veen de maji-maji!

FRENCH CHEF: Ouf! Ne pas callent moi Clara!

ISABELLE: (flicks her wand) Make it rain!

(The cloud rains Swedish meatballs, which are collected in the bowl.)

SWEDISH CHEF: Ta da!

(He offers a meatball to the French Chef. She takes it, and is pleasantly surprised that it is delicious.)

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

ISABELLE: Thank you!

(The curtains are drawn.)

(INT. BALCONY - Marcy and Honna, now wearing flowers behind their ears)

MARCY: Amazing! Is there anything she can’t do?

HONNA: I know! She totally stormed the stage!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 4 - Backstage

(INT. DRESSING ROOM - Isabelle is seated at a vanity with Cake in her lap, fixing up her look with her wand, while chattering with the Electric Mayhem)

ANIMAL: MAGIC WOMAN FIND BRASS GUYS?

ISABELLE: Brass guys?

JANICE: The brass section of our band is, like, missing, and we’ve been looking all over Toronto for them.

FLOYD: We sent Rizzo to scope out a suspicious target, and he hasn’t come back.

DR. TEETH: This is my fault. Why, if I hadn’t failated to keep the band together, this never would have happened.

ISABELLE: You were going to break up?

JANICE/FLOYD: No!

ANIMAL: NO BREAK UP!

JANICE: No, it’s not like that at all! Y’see, before the Muppet Show came back, there were a bunch of people giving us flak for being an all-puppet hippie band. Something about us being overly “woke”?

FLOYD: What does woke even mean?

ANIMAL: ANIMAL NOT KNOW.

JANICE: Well, during the fallout, we decided to go on hiatus, and Zoot and Lips took sabbatical to do some solo work here in Toronto. That’s when they went missing.

DR. TEETH: The Electric Mayhem is a team. If we can’t stay ensemble-gether, we’ll fall apart.

ISABELLE: People don’t just disappear from their friends without a reason. Maybe if we look into the past, we’ll figure out what happened.

JANICE: How are we gonna do that?

ISABELLE: (brandishing her wand) With a little bit of fairy dust. (she begins to cast a spell) Lovely witches of all time, reveal your secrets.  

(A mirror pool appears, created from magic)

ISABELLE: Brass musicians Zoot and Lips disappeared on sabbatical in Toronto. Show me what happened.

(The mirror pool rewinds back in time to show the story. Zoot and Lips round the corner of an obscured street, where they knock into a strange figure, whose papers go scattering around)

STRANGE MAN: Oh! Dammit!

ZOOT: Oh, oh, sorry, man, we’ll help you with those.

(They pick the papers up. However, Lips notices something suspicious)

LIPS: Wai’a minute, now wendi’you eva’wo’ a boppin’ zig-a-zag-a Miss Piggy?

ZOOT: Yeah, he’s right. Our Piggy’s a picky gal. If she’s performed with you before, we’d remember it. …I think. Has he worked with her?

LIPS: No, noway! An’ ther’ain’ no sush’ thing as Mammapappa Reggords ‘n’ Label bid’ness!

ZOOT: (looking through the papers) Hey, you’re runnin’ a scam business, man!

STRANGE MAN: You keep your mouths shut about this!

ZOOT: Or what?

(Some other humans and Whatnots appear, pointing guns. Fearfully, Zoot and Lips huddle together with their hands in the air)

STRANGE MAN: Look, why don’t I cut you a deal? If you come with me to work on a very special project, these guys won’t shoot.

LIPS: Whuh’ kind’a proshec?

STRANGE MAN: Just follow me. You’ll understand when we get there.

(The story freeze frames when the man’s face is most visible. Isabelle, the Electric Mayhem, and even Cake are shocked at what they’ve seen. Floyd snaps a picture of the man’s face)

FLOYD: This is our guy. We find him, we find our friends.

JANICE: Oh, I hope he hasn’t hurt them.

(The mirror pool closes)

ISABELLE: That’s horrible.

(A knock at the door. Scooter enters)

SCOOTER: Miss Brandon, you’re needed on stage for the next act.

ISABELLE: Oh! Right, I’ll be right there! (she passes Cake over to Dr. Teeth and scurries out of the room)

Segment 5 - Surfin’ USA

(INT. STAGE - The curtains open to reveal a beach set. Fozzie and Gonzo are dressed in beach gear. Gonzo is still wearing the blonde wig from Act 1.)

(MUSIC CUE - “Surfin’ USA”, originally performed by the Beach Boys)

FOZZIE: If everybody had an ocean, across the USA

GONZO: Then everybody’d be surfin’, like Californ-i-a

FOZZIE: You’d see them wearing their baggies

GONZO: Huarache sandals too, a bushy bushy blonde hairdo!

BOTH: Surfin’ USA!

(Isabelle and Yolanda enter from opposite sides of the stage, dressed in beach wear)

FOZZIE: You’ll catch ‘em surfing at Del Mar

GONZO: Ventura County Line

YOLANDA: Santa Cruz and Trestles

ISABELLE: The Mactaquac brine

FOZZIE: All over Manhattan

GONZO: And down Doheny Way

ALL: Everybody’s gone surfin’, surfin’ USA!

(Isabelle uses her magic to make the surfboards float)

FOZZIE: We’ll all be planning that route we’re gonna take real soon

GONZO: We’re waxing down our surfboards, we can’t wait for June

YOLANDA: We’ll all be gone for the summer, we’re on surfari to stay, tell the teacher we’re surfin’

ALL: Surfin’ USA!

FOZZIE: Haggarties and Swamis

GONZO: Pacific Palisades

YOLANDA: San Onofre and Sunset

ISABELLE: Redondo Beach, LA

FOZZIE: All over La Jolla

GONZO: At Wa’imea Bay

ALL: Everybody’s gone surfin’, surfin’ USA!

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

(INT. BALCONY - Marcy and Honna)

HONNA: That’s an old song.

MARCY: Yeah, the Muppets really like the classics.

HONNA: I guess that’s why they always put on a class act!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(INT. BACKSTAGE - The performers shuffle in from the stage)

KERMIT: Alright, great job, everyone.

ISABELLE: Kermit! Kermit, I think we have a lead on what happened to your brass section.

KERMIT: You do? How?

(Floyd scurries in from the left)

FLOYD: Her magic mirror caught the exact guy we’re looking for.

(He shows Kermit the picture.)

KERMIT: That’s him?

FLOYD: Exactly. He’s got Zoot and Lips held somewhere. If we find where this man works, we might be able to rescue them.

KERMIT: Oh, Floyd- Miss Brandon, that’s incredible!

ISABELLE: What’s your PI’s socials? I’ll forward the evidence to her!

KERMIT: Oh, it’s this!

(They huddle together and chatter quietly)

Segment 6 - Pass the Witch’s Broom

(INT. STAGE - The curtains open, where a small group of assorted Muppets are gathered in a circle. Robin is holding Broomita)

(MUSIC CUE - A dinky piano tune)

ALL: Make a great big circle, all around the room, then we’ll play our favourite game, it’s Pass the Witch’s Broom!

(They pass Broomita around like a game of Hot Potato)

ALL: Pass it very quickly, don’t you let it drop, I don’t want to have the broomstick when the music stops!

(The music freezes abruptly as Beaker is holding Broomita. His hair randomly catches fire. He shrieks and runs off stage.)

(MUSIC CUE - The music restarts)

ALL: Make a great big circle, all around the room, then we’ll play our favourite game, it’s Pass the Witch’s Broom! Pass it very quickly, don’t you let it drop, I don’t want to have the broomstick when the music stops!

(The music stops. This time, Crazy Harry has Broomita. His hair explodes. He cackles and runs off stage.)

ROBIN: Maybe this game isn’t as safe with a real witch’s broom.

PEPE: No, no, keep going, I want to see how this goes, okay.

(MUSIC CUE - The music restarts)

ALL: Make a great big circle, all around the room, then we’ll play our favourite game, it’s Pass the Witch’s Broom! Pass it very quickly, don’t you let it drop, I don’t want to have the broomstick when the music stops!

(The music stops. Pepe has Broomita. He catches fire.)

PEPE: I could live with this.

(Isabelle enters from the left)

ISABELLE: Alright, that’s enough. Broomita is not a toy, and she doesn’t like being manhandled by strangers.

(She snatches Broomita back and exits)

(INT. BALCONY - Marcy and Honna)

MARCY: Lots of guys getting set on fire in that one.

HONNA: That’s not even funny. The first guy sounded terrified.

MARCY: Think we should get him a drink?

(Beaker appears from behind them, covered in soot)

BEAKER: Me-me…

HONNA: Hey, it’s you! Here, have a lemonade, on us.

(Honna passes Beaker a can of lemonade out of the girls’ cooler.)

BEAKER: Me-me! (with the inflection of “Thank you”)

(Marcy and Honna pick out drinks for themselves as well; Marcy has a fruit punch, while Honna has cherry juice)

BEAKER: Me-me-me-me-me, me-me-me-me-me.

ALL: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Segment 7 - Naturally

(INT. STAGE - The curtains are drawn. Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Thank you, everyone! We’ve had a very magical evening here together, and to finish it all off, we have a special performance showing the beauty of nature, brought to us by our guest star, Miss Isabelle Brandon! Take it away! Yaaaay!

(Kermit slides off stage as the curtains open. The lights go up, revealing Isabelle in a long pink dress styled after flower petals; think Isabela Madrigal meets Princess Peach)

(MUSIC CUE - “Naturally”, originally performed by Selena Gomez)

ISABELLE: How you choose to express yourself, it’s all your own and I can tell, it comes naturally, it comes naturally

(She makes the background of flower buds bloom with her magic)

ISABELLE: You follow what you feel inside, it’s intuitive, you don’t have to try, it comes naturally, mhm, it comes naturally

(Annie Sue and Hamantha appear out of the flowers)

ANNIE SUE: And it takes my breath away

HAMANTHA: What you do so naturally

ISABELLE: You are the thunder and I am the lightning!

(Isabelle makes the lights shine bright)

ISABELLE: And I love the way you know who you are, and to me it’s exciting!

ANNIE SUE/HAMANTHA: When you know it’s meant to be~

ISABELLE: Everything comes naturally, it comes naturally, when you’re with me, baby! Everything comes naturally, it comes naturally!

ANNIE SUE/HAMANTHA: Bay-bay-baby!

(Isabelle twirls her wand to make snow appear)

ISABELLE: You have a way of moving me, a force of nature your energy, it comes naturally

ANNIE SUE: You know it does~

ISABELLE: It comes naturally, ooh yeah, and it takes my breath away

HAMANTHA: Every time~

ISABELLE: What you do so naturally

(A magic wind blows through)

ISABELLE: You are the thunder and I am the lightning! And I love the way you know who you are, and to me it’s exciting! When you know it’s meant to be!

ANNIE SUE/HAMANTHA: Everything comes naturally, it comes naturally, when you’re with me, baby~

ISABELLE: Everything comes naturally, it comes naturally, bay-bay-baby

(Miss Piggy is lowered on stage by a coral swing)

MISS PIGGY: When we collide, sparks fly, when you look in my eyes, it takes my breath away~

ANNIE SUE/HAMANTHA: You are!

ISABELLE: You are the thunder and I am the lightning!

(When the beat drops, the flowers explode into a flurry of petals)

ISABELLE: And I love the way you know who you are, and to me, it’s exciting! When you know it’s meant to be!

ALL PIGS: Everything comes naturally, it comes naturally, when you’re with me, baby!

ALL: Everything comes naturally, it comes naturally, bay-bay-baby!

(INT. AUDIENCE - The crowd goes wild!)

(INT. BALCONY - Marcy and Honna are waving matching silk handkerchiefs, specifically for this occasion)

BOTH: Yay! Yay!

(INT. STAGE - The curtains are drawn as Kermit scurries on stage)

KERMIT: Oh, wow, wasn’t that a great performance! Let’s hear it for our guest star, Miss Isabelle Brandon!

(Isabelle enters from behind the curtains and curtsies)

ISABELLE: Thank you!

KERMIT: And thank you for being here! Hey, I gotta show you something.

(Kermit makes a dove appear out of nowhere.)

(SFX CUE - “Ooh”s and applause from the audience)

ISABELLE: Wow…

KERMIT: We’ll see you next time on the Muppet Show!

(Broomita flies in while the Muppets mob Isabelle as the credits roll)

(INT. BALCONY - Marcy and Honna)

MARCY: Can we go meet her in the lobby now?

HONNA: Sure; we’ll wing it like witches!

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Chapter Text

Segment 1 - Opening + Gonzo and the Dragon

(INT. BACKSTAGE - Scooter knocks on a door and enters)

SCOOTER: Gabriella McGraw? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss McGraw.

(INT. DRESSING ROOM - Gabby is fixing up her hair)

GABBY: Just “Gabby” will do, Scooter.

SCOOTER: Oh, good, that’s much easier to remember.

GABBY: You’ve had so many guests on The Muppet Show; how do you keep track of them all?

SCOOTER: (holding up a big, battered notebook) Using this trusty agenda! It dates all the way back to ‘76, and contains a profile for every guest we’ve ever had!

(A few pages fall out of the agenda and scatter on the floor)

SCOOTER: Well…most of them, anyway. (he ducks down to pick them up)

(INT. STAGE - The “The Muppet Show” slide. Kermit, wearing a firefighter’s helmet, peeks out through the “O” in “Show”)

KERMIT: It’s the Muppet Show, with our very special guest, Miss Gabby McGraw! Yaaaaay!

(MUSIC CUE - The Muppet Show Theme, Toronto Edition)

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience. Kermit enters from the left)

KERMIT: Thank you, thank you, and welcome back to the Muppet Show! We would like to thank the Pontypandy Fire Service for sponsoring our show tonight and sending us our guest star, the talented young guitarist Gabby McGraw!

(SFX CUE - Applause from the audience)

KERMIT: So to pay homage to them, we’d like to present an act inspired by their Welsh heritage. Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!

(SFX CUE - A goofy trumpet fanfare)

(Kermits ducks offstage as the curtains open to reveal Gonzo accompanied by a giant red dragon Muppet)

GONZO: Good evening, my friends and enemies alike! Tonight, I present to you a United Kingdom delight, as I balance on the back of this Welsh dragon and perform “God Save the King” on this harmonica! 

(Gonzo climbs onto the dragon’s back)

(MUSIC CUE - “God Save the King” on harmonica)

DRAGON: God save our gracious king, long live our noble king, God save the king!

GONZO: Cha cha cha!

DRAGON: Send him victorious, happy and glorious, long to reign over us, God save the king!

(The dragon flicks Gonzo away with her tail, sending him flying backstage)

(SFX CUE - Laughter from the audience as the curtains drop)

(INT. BALCONY - This time, Station Officer Steele and Chief Fire Officer Boyce have taken over for Statler and Waldorf)

STEELE: What was that?

BOYCE: I don’t know, but I didn’t like it.

STEELE: Then it’s good that it didn’t drag on!