Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

(TW for transphobia at the end of this part)

It was an uneventful night in the galaxy for Emperor Awesome. Ever since Lord Dominator conquered everything, there has been no place for the jock-like sharkman to throw one of his planet-ending ragers. "UGH, This night is so lame!" he groaned in sheer boredom. His mind began to dwell on what he could do to bide his time. At least momentarily, that is.

Maybe he could hit on some girls? Maybe he could try his luck again with Evil Sandwich?
Nah, he tried that yesterday. Not to mention the age gap is strange. Plus they're a sandwich.
How about hopping into the Jacuzzi for a bit and playing his favorite dance playlist?
Eh, that seems boring right now as well.
Wait - he could prank call Hater! He's such a loser.
Yet another no-way at the moment. Although, a prank would be fun.

A prank... he's pulled pranks on just about anyone except - the cogs in his brain were slowly turning and shouted "That wandering lame-o! Dude..." with a laugh. "I have the funniest idea!"
Okay, to pull this off he needed two of his fist fighters. Obviously he's not in the mood to do the prank himself. So, off he went walking around the ship for two of his aforementioned employees. As luck soon had it, he noticed two heads of hands in his general vicinity.

"HEY! BROS! I WANT YOU TWO TO DO SOMETHING HILARIOUS!"
One henchman looked at the other and was given a shrug as a response. They already knew what was going on, Emperor Awesome did this quite often. They lightly jogged until the distance between them and their boss went from 50 feet to three inches.

"I'm down for a prank, what do you want us to do?"
"This is gonna be so fun!"
The prank at hand was then explained to the two.
"Okay dudes, so you know that weird orange guy with all the fur? I want you to find him and shear all that fur off. And bros? Take pics. I wanna add it to my collection of prank pics."
The two fist fighters snickered. This is going to be the funniest thing ever. They bought a pair of shears, grabbed a camera, and went on their way to find Wander.

About an hour later, the two fist fighters spot the orange furry spoon and his Zbornac friend resting.
"This is almost too perfect!"
"I know right? Let's make sure the Zbornac doesn't mess with us while we do this though."
"Oh yeah, yeah! I brought these when you went to the bathroom (before we left)." he showed his coworker two pairs of noise cancelling earmuffs. "One for the little guy, one for his friend. Either way, let's do this!"

The two then began shearing. It took a while, but they eventually finished. Before they started taking pictures, one of them noticed something.
"So this creature is a dude, right?"
"Yeah?"
"I don't think so, man. Look." He then pointed to in between the legs of the bald nomad.
"OH MY GOD, IT'S A FREAK!" the henchman laughed uproariously. "Start the pics bro, Awesome's gonna freak out!" Pictures were then - quite obviously - taken.

The ride back was filled with laughter and disgust. When they were back, they showed Emperor Awesome their photos. One of which included exclusively Wander's bottom half with fingers pointing. Their boss reveled in this newfound information.
"I knew this would be funny, but THIS is ABSOLUTELY KILLER! I can't wait to see how people are gonna react! You know where to put the pics, bros."

Chapter Text

It was very, very cold. Then he heard a noise. In a sleepy haze, Wander opened his eyes. He saw a large pile of orange fur nearby. He looked down at his body and became completely awake. Unable to restrain his fear and shock, he let out a yell 10 times louder than the shears just used on him.

Sylvia heard him screaming in fear - not the best thing to wake up to. She ran so fast that Wander didn't have the time to cover up. "BUDDY, WHAT'S WR-"
There he was. He wasn't injured physically, but he was most definitely in emotional distress. Sobbing violently, naked, looking at the fur that once covered him. He then looked back at her and screamed "DON'T LOOK AT ME!" as he ran into his pile of fur to cover himself.

"Please talk to me, pal. Do you know who did this?"
"N-No! But..." he sniffled "th-they saw m'everythin' a-and now everybody's gonna k-know and..." he couldn't even talk anymore. He was sobbing again.
"You think they saw your - oh grop... When I find out who did this, I am going to introduce them to my friends the lady and the duchess!" Sylvia cracked her knuckles in fists for effect. She noticed Wander whispering to his hat. He then pulled out a poncho, shorts, boxers and two mugs of warm tea. He wasn't ugly sobbing anymore but was still crying.

"I'm turning my back, okay? Let me know when you're dressed."
Wander sniffled "Thanks, Syl. Just gimme a second..." he threw on everything in a matter of seconds. "Okay you can look *hic* want some tea?"
Sylvia turned back around and grabbed one of the mugs. "Thank you." she sipped the tea and then asked "Are you comfortable to talk?" sympathetically.
Wander nodded, teary-eyed but smiling.

Chapter Text

Wander spoke in the most serious voice Sylvia has ever heard him use "That was the most terrifyin' experience I've ever had in my life..."
His Zbornac friend put down her mug and outstretched her arms as an invitation of a hug. Wander wholly welcomed it, shaking a bit. When he stopped shaking, he let go.

"I'm gonna tell ya somethin' very personal, Syl. Okay?"
"Alright. I'm all ears."
"I..." he took a very deep breath and released "I'm a transgender man. Do y'know what that is?"
"I know what trans means, yes. No wonder you were so distressed... Pal, you are no less of a man to me than you were before all this mess."
Wander once again teared up, but this time in relief.
"Yer the best to me... I'm so lucky to be yer friend."
"I'm lucky to have you, Wander! You're the greatest little guy I've ever known."

Wander looked happy again. Although the thought of who made him go through such turmoil was still lingering in Sylvia's mind, she was glad he was able to truly smile again. She looked up at the stars with him by her side as he played a calmer song on his bango.

Chapter Text

A few days after the events, Sylvia found out the culprit. All signs led to it. "That shark is gonna pay!" So she devised a plan to get revenge for her friend.

"Hey, buddy"
"Hello! What is it?"
"You wanna crash somewhere to keep warm tonight?"
"That'd be nice! I've been mighty cold lately." Wander pondered for a second and gasped with joy "Are we going to Hatey's?"
"Not tonight, but we can go tomorrow if you want. We're going to Awesome's."
Wander looked a bit puzzled but went with it anyways with a shrug "Okay!"

Alright, now to find his ship. With how restless the Nomad has been, her first step of making sure he's asleep should work out. Walking around in their bubble of orbal juice, Awesome's ship was surprisingly close. Once an entrance was found, they snuck in.
Sylvia whispered "We have to be really quiet, okay?" Wander simply nodded with a smile and a thumbs up as a response.

He began to blink slowly "It's... so cozy in... here..." and gave a soft yawn. "Ya recon I could get some shut eye this soon?"
"Of course, pal. You need it." The nomad slid into his hat and began to rest. Sylvia sat there for a bit, making sure her friend was completely asleep.

As if she was using up all of her good luck in a day, she heard a certain duo of fist fighters talking about "the sickest prank we've ever pulled".
"Oh goodie, now I know who to obliterate!"
She snuck behind them, and knocked them out. After giving them a good few bruises and cuts, she stuffed them in the nearest closet and locked it. She put the key onto a necklace to hang it on the doorknob on their way out.

Walking around a little bit longer, a very obnoxious laugh could he heard down the hall. Down the hall she went, and saw the Emperor laughing at a piece of cardboard with photos on it. She didn't know what it was at the moment, but it looked like something a 10 year old would make for a school project. She focused her eyes and saw the words "PRANK PIX" in big colorful letters.
Shaking her head at the sheer absurdity of it's existence, she gently put Wander down to have full range to tear this piece of crap to shreds.

"HEY, YOU! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!"
"I don't have a problem, but your lady friend over there sure does."
"He is more of a man then you'll ever be, dimwit. YOU TRAUMATIZED MY FRIEND ALL FOR A 'PRANK'?! WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND DOES THAT!"
"At least I know what I am. Your friend has been lying to you, and I have photos to prove it." He presented an array of photos of a furless nomad.

"NOBODY MESSES WITH MY BEST FRIEND AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!" Anger took over the Zbornac. By the end of it all, she left him in even worse shape than the fist fighters.
"Are you NOT aware of how fucked up it is to take pictures of somebody like that?! ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE SLEEPING, NO LESS!"
Emperor Awesome coughed blood "Whatever, dude."
"You're lucky I'm moral enough to keep you alive. I am taking these photos and burning them in the morning. Bye, you piece of trash."

Exhausted, Sylvia found somewhere her and Wander could rest for the night without being disturbed. She looked at the photos in disgust. She knew she should burn them then and there, but she didn't have the energy nor means to make a fire.

( The next morning )
Wander woke up feeling refreshed. He stretched and made a sigh of content. Under his best friend's snout, he noticed something. He gently picked it up and noticed it was a polaroid photo. The content of said photo made him beet red and sweaty. He let out a nervous laugh.

He softly woke up his friend to talk. Eventually, she woke up. "Huh? Oh, mornin'."
"Mornin'!" his eye twitched.
Covering up the worst part of the photo, Wander displayed it and asked Sylvia a question "Ya mind tellin' me why ya have this?"
From just a simple question, Sylvia explained everything. How she was finding out who hurt him, eventually finding said person, and the plan to hurt them back.

"I appreciate ya, Sylvia, but I have to burn this image."
"I meant to burn them when I got them last night, but I ended up falling asleep. I'm so sorry you had to see that..."
"Yer all good! You ain't the one who took 'em. Anywho!"
He pulled something out of his hat. It was a comically large flamethrower. "Something a lil less destructive, please?" Wander alternatively pulled out a pack of matches and a pouch of sand. With said objects, all photos were burned and the fire used was extinguished.

"Now, if ya don't mind, I ain't too comfy in here anymore."
"I completely understand. Let's go." On the way out, she threw the key on the doorknob of the closets that kept the two fist fighters.