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Japan 2022

Thursday 

It's forecast to rain in Suzuka.

They've known about it for days. But no one talks about it. Not in front of him. Not when they think he can hear.

Because they all think they know how the story goes. Poor tragic Charles Leclerc, how many people can he lose? Look how well he handles it, did you see his F2 race in Baku?

( But they don't. They have no idea how the story goes. They don't know about the disgusting gaping wound that opened when he was sixteen and never really healed again).

He goes to the track on Thursday. Before Media Day starts up. This isn't for social media, this is the ugly side of Charles Leclerc that the world doesn't get to see. This is for him, to try and stitch up the wound before it bleeds out and stains the ground for everyone to see.

He lets Pierre see though. He's seen all the dark, broken, messy parts of him that would disgust the rest of the world if they knew. ( They can't know, they can never know how weak he is).

So he lets Pierre come to the track with him on an overcast Thursday morning in October. They carry bunches of pure white lilies even though Charles is afraid he'll stain them red.

So they go and they lay their flowers, and Charles cries and cries so hard that he wants to rip out his own throat with the pain of it. He stands in the gravel on a Thursday morning in Suzuka and he lets the tears fall onto the lilies he's just laid. Crying is better than bleeding he supposes.

And Pierre is hugging him and trying to hold all his broken parts together. But Charles' guts spill out anyway, all over the front of Pierre's white Alphatauri t-shirt. But Pierre, to his credit, pretends not to notice.

They talk softly in French as they walk away, the words wrap around Charles' heart and they feel like home. And the wound that never fully heals begins to knit itself back together a little, just like it does every year.

By the time they get back to the paddock, there are people milling around. Mechanics, support staff, journalists. And Charles can feel their eyes on him as he walks. Even if they're trying very hard to pretend they aren't staring.

'Go on, look at me.' he wants to say to them. ' This is your perfect golden boy.’

But he doesn't. He smiles serenely at them, makes himself pretty and palatable. That's what they want to see. They don't want to see the rest.

They go to Ferrari. It's another unspoken rule. It's where He was meant to be. So obviously that's where they go.

Carlos is there eating breakfast and drinking espresso like always. He barely glances up when they walk in.

Pierre stays for breakfast. The Ferrari team knows him well enough that it's not weird for him to be there. 

They don't talk much as they eat, they don't need to. It's enough for them to just be. 

Until Pierre's phone goes off because his press officer is looking for him.

He says goodbye to Carlos and kisses Charles once on each cheek because Pierre is so French and it makes Charles' insides hurt.

Carlos says he's going on a cycle around the track and asks Charles if he wants to come with him.

He's only doing it out of courtesy. He knows Charles will say no. Like he'd want to go back to the track again today. To watch the others lay their flowers for Him. With their polite, clean, restrained grief that is tolerable to the rest of the world. No. He can't do that. 

So he forces a smile and thanks Carlos for the offer, but no. He'll find him later for media.

He thinks he's gotten away with it. Unfortunately for Charles, Carlos knows him and can see every crack in his painstakingly crafted facade. It might be a teammate thing. Or it might just be a Carlos Sainz thing.

'It is okay to be sad Charles.' he says before he leaves. 'No one is blaming you mi amigo .'

And Charles grits his teeth at the way Carlos says his name, mangled by his Spanish accent. He really doesn't mind usually, but today it makes his blood hum uncomfortably. It feels all wrong.

And besides that he's not sad. Sad is an inadequate word. Sad is what everyone else feels about Him.

It isn't enough. It won't ever be enough, don't they see?

Media Day is painful. Charles practically sleepwalks his way through it and he knows his press conference was an absolute disaster. Thankfully he's sitting beside Max, who's going to be world champion this weekend probably and most of the questions are for him.

(Can they see him bleeding? They must be able to. Maybe that's why they won't look at him properly. It's lucky he's wearing red.)

He bolts as soon as they're done. Max catches up to him in the corridor outside.

'Charles. Wait. Are you okay?' 

His blue eyes are wide with concern and it makes Charles feel sick.

( Fuck off Max. Just fuck off )

'I am fine. Just media day you know?'

Max doesn't look convinced. But Charles isn't here to convince Max Verstappen of anything. He turns to leave. Apparently this isn't enough of a hint because Max follows him.

'Are you sure mate? You barely spoke in there.'

( No shit, I had you sitting next to me. What did you expect?)

He turns and gives Max with a smile that he hopes looks genuine. He's not sure it works.

'I am just tired Max. It has been a long day.'

Max frowns like he knows Charles is lying but he can't possibly know, he can't see the blood that's starting to pool under the Ferrari shirt. The shirt that was never meant for Charles. Some days he feels like he's stolen it.

'For what it's worth,' he says. 'I am sorry, really.'

It's this that apparently pushes Charles over the edge and he snaps.

'For what? What could you possibly have to be sorry for Max?'

He's been on the verge of losing it all day and seeing Max Verstappen looking at him with pity in his face is just too much for Charles to handle.

Max looks alarmed at the sudden outburst and Charles feels vindicated. He wants Max to be afraid of him

'It is Japan. It must be hard coming back here, no?'

Charles clenches his fists and his nails bite into his palms. What does Max know? Fuck all that's what. He wants to scream. But he's also painfully aware they're in the middle of a corridor in the paddock press building and he can't cause a scene.

'Mate?' Max tries again in the tone of someone trying to calm a startled horse. 'You look really pale, do you need to sit down?'

But before Charles can bite out a retort, Pierre materialises seemingly out of nowhere next to Max.

'Char?' he says, ' Some of us are heading out for dinner if you want to come. Yuki was saying he knows this place…'

Then he looks at Charles more intently and fucking sighs before turning to Max.

'I can handle this,' he says. 'You go, I think Daniel's looking for you.'

'Are you sure?' 

'Very.' Pierre says firmly. 'Go.'

And Max disappears off down the corridor, leaving Charles alone with Pierre.

Pierre places his hands on Charles' shoulders and looks at him.

'Hey Calamar.' he says, switching to French. 'Long day eh? Do you want to come to dinner or do you already have plans?'

And Charles is relieved that someone isn't handling him like he's a cross between a China doll and a live grenade. Good. He's fine.

'It's this really cool sushi place that Yuki knows.' Pierre continues. 'I asked Carlos too. It'll be nice yeah?'

And because Charles has to be sweet and polite and spend time with his friends, he says yes.

And it's actually pretty nice to not have to think about Things for a couple of hours.

It's Pierre and Yuki and Carlos and they've somehow picked up George and Alex along the way.

The food is really good too, even if Andrea is going to lose his mind when he finds out how much Charles eats. He smiles and laughs and teases George about his complete inability to use chopsticks and he can almost pretend he's normal.

Saturday

Charles qualifies in P2. Front row of the grid next to Max. Carlos and Checo behind them. It doesn't rain in qualifying ( Thank god, thank fucking god ).

Sunday

He wakes on race day and it's raining. It's fucking raining in Suzuka. The wound is throbbing under his t shirt and he's pretty sure his guts are showing. He bites back the urge to vomit and grabs his coat from the back of the door. 

Carlos meets him in the lobby of the hotel and they go down to the track together, the rain lashes against the window of the car and they don't speak. 

They slip and slide their way across the paddock towards Ferrari hospitality and Andrea and Rupert are there to meet them. Andrea takes one look at Charles' face and immediately goes to fetch him breakfast. He eats because he needs to or he'll pass out but he barely tastes the food as it goes down.

It's raining harder as they go to the garage and Charles forces a smile for his mechanics as they pass them.

'We will be fine.' Carlos says as he goes to his own side of the garage. (Liar)

The rain doesn't let up and the wound is so painful that Charles has to grab the side of the Halo to stay upright.

Joris looks worried and asks if he's feeling okay. Charles nods and straightens up, plastering on his pretty pretty PR smile because there are cameras in the garage. ( Don't let them see your weakness, they'll eat you alive).

The race starts. Somehow, inexplicably, it starts. It's chaos from the moment they get off the line. There's so much spray that Charles can barely see Max in front of him, he's driving blind.

Someone's off.

( Jules? No wait, that's not right. It can't be .)

'Xavi, who is it?'

'…'

'Xavi!!!'

'It's Carlos.'

'Is he okay?'

'We are checking.'

( Nonono. Not him please ).

It's raining in Suzuka and Carlos is off and no one is telling him anything and he's racing blind and…and…and.

It's a whole lap before he hears anything else. 

'Red Flag. Red Flag.'

'Is Carlos okay?'

'He's out of the car.'

Charles drives back to the pits, parks his car and jumps out.

( CarlosCarlosCarlos )

His teammate is sitting on the other side of the garage with a hoodie over his fireproofs, he looks pissed off and a bit sad but he's alive and he's in one piece.

Charles hugs him harder than he probably needs to. 

'I am okay.' he says softly, rubbing Charles' back like he's a child. 'I promise.'

They don't know when or even if the race will restart. Charles goes to Joris and asks for his phone so he can call his brothers. They'll be worried. And to his surprise, his friend hesitates.

'Jor? My phone please.'

'I don't think it's a good idea Char.'

This, unsurprisingly, does nothing to make Charles feel better. What isn't Joris telling him?

'Gimme my phone. I need to call Arthur and Lorenzo.'

When Joris still doesn't hand it over, Charles looks around the garage and that's when he realises. Something is wrong, there's an atmosphere, everyone is avoiding looking at him. What the fuck?

(Something's happened. Something bad. They're keeping it from you. There's something they aren't telling you.)

He doesn't want to shout at Joris, it's not his fault. He's probably just doing whatever Silvia told him. But Charles is rapidly running out of patience and there's a knot in his stomach that's so tight, he feels like he might burst.

(And wouldn't that be a pretty sight all over the Ferrari garage?)

'What's going on?' His voice comes out calm. He didn't expect that.

'Just give him the damn phone.' 

It's Carlos. Charles hadn't heard him come up behind him. 

Joris sighs, retrieves Charles' phone from the pocket of his jeans and passes it over like it's a grenade.

Charles unlocks it.

He goes to call Lorenzo but he's distracted by a twitter notification that pops up on the screen.

He opens it. He stares.

There's some footage of the race before the Red flag. He watches it. Then he watches it again because it can't be real.

It looks like someone's on board. And there's a tractor on the track. When a car is going past. What the fuck?

The garage suddenly feels very small and suffocatingly crowded. He's going to throw up. It's happening again. Oh fuck it's happening again.

There was a tractor on the track. In Suzuka. In the rain. And it looked like someone had a near miss.

'Jor.' he says, panic rising in his throat. 'Jor, who was that?'

'Pierre.'

And the world tilts sideways and Carlos is helping him sit on the floor and telling him to breathe. 

(The wound must be bleeding all over his race suit)

'Charles.' his teammate is crouching in front of him. 'Listen to me. He is fine. Everyone got back safe.'

Charles tries to speak but it comes out as a ragged sob. He needs to find his friend. Now.

'I need to see him.' he manages to choke out. 'I need…'

'You need to stay put.' Joris says. 'You're in shock and I also need you to breathe for me. You look like you're gonna pass out.'

The Red Flag lasts for two hours. Two damn hours. But it's a blessing in disguise because it gives Charles the time to get his head together before they have to drive again.

He calls Arthur and Lorenzo who are both understandably upset but also relieved to hear from him. Lorenzo especially. That is not surprising.

***

Whilst they wait, Charles gets to think.

The following things are true:

Carlos spun out in the rain in Suzuka, a tractor was on the track and Pierre had a near miss. And Charles Leclerc is hurting.

However 

The following things are also true:

Carlos walked away with nothing worse than bruised pride and he's sitting on the other side of the garage with Caco. Pierre didn't hit the tractor, he sent Charles a text to say he was okay. And Charles Leclerc is stronger than this, he is going to get back in the car and drive. And he is going to win.

The race finally re-starts. Charles doesn't really remember what happens. He's trying not to think too much. 

He doesn't win. He gets third.

( I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry )

Max isn't the champion. Then he is. He gets a second  world championship that should have been Charles' (what-fucking-ever) . He forces a smile that shows his dimples and he must look so pretty. 

They go to the podium and they spray champagne and Charles plays pretend whilst he feels the wound start to bleed again. He's amazed he doesn't get blood all over Max's race suit when he hugs him.

Then he has to face the media. His press officer warns him that they'll ask about the tractor. Charles shrugs it off and he thinks it'll be fine. (It has to be fine)

He can get through this and then he can find Pierre and it'll be fine .

It's Sky that does it. Because of course it is.

They ask him about today's race and it's fine. Then they mention 2014 and Him and oh god oh god oh god.

He shuts down. He goes onto autopilot, he does not want to think about Him. And his brain apparently agrees with this.

He practically runs away from the media pen when they're done. He has no idea what came out of his mouth and whether it actually made any sense.

No one tries to stop him. He can see the pitying looks in their faces and it makes him sick. They all know the fucking story, why does he have to keep exposing that gaping wound that shows his insides. Why is it always him? 

Fuck 'em all. As Daniel would say.

He meets the man himself on the way out of the media pen. Daniel looks as drained as Charles feels and there's something behind his eyes, he looks haunted and Charles remembers with a jolt that he was there. He was there that day in 2014. And he suddenly wants to cry again 

'You good man?' Danny asks. 'Shit show out there wasn't it?'

It takes Charles a moment to realise that he probably expects him to answer and his brain finally  comes back online.

'Yeah. I am okay I think.' He lies. 'I just need to find…'

 He trails off.

'Pierre?' Danny finishes his sentence for him. 'He's gone back to hospitality. I think Alphatauri wanted him to stop talking to the press before he upset the entire FIA.'

Charles thanks him and is about to walk off towards the paddock when Danny lays a hand on his shoulder.

'For what it's worth, I miss him too. I don't think I ever stopped. And we're all thinking of him today.' 

Charles nods, unable to open his mouth because he's terrified of what he'll say. So he just hugs Danny tightly and hopes that's enough. 

He finds Pierre exactly where Daniel says he is. He's outside the Alphatauri motor home talking with Yuki. And Charles hangs back, not wanting to interrupt them, even though his instinct is to dive on Pierre and hug him and maybe never let go.

(You have to let him go at some point, you can't keep him safe. You know that).

So Charles watches them for a moment, mostly watching Pierre. He looks pale and tired and he's fidgeting as he talks. But he's alive and he's right there and Charles feels the knot in his stomach finally start to loosen.

And then Pierre looks round as though he can sense Charles watching him, and when he spots him, it's like the tension drains out of his shoulders.

He leans over to say something to Yuki, who nods once and walks away towards the entrance to their hospitality.

Pierre gives him a weak little smile and Charles bolts towards him and before he realises what's happening, he's gripping Pierre in a tight hug and sobbing into the front of his fireproofs. He feels utterly ridiculous but also doesn't care.

'Hey Calamar,' Pierre says, easing Charles off him and holding him at arm's length so he can look him in the eye. 'It is okay.'

Charles gulps in a desperate attempt to get air into his lungs before he speaks.

'The tractor.' he manages to choke out. ' Here of all places.'

 He's vaguely aware it's started raining again. Because isn't that just poetic or some shit.

'I know.' Pierre replies. 'Fuck, I know.'

They stay outside for another few minutes until the door to Alphatauri swings open and Yuki pokes his head out.

'Quit standing around in the fucking rain guys. You can come in here.' he calls.

Once they're inside, Yuki goes to get them all a hot drink. Coffee for him and Pierre and a cup of sweet tea for Charles.

'Go sit.' Pierre says, gesturing to one of the tables. 'I'll be right back.'

He vanishes in the direction of his driver's room and returns a couple of minutes later wearing a soft looking Alphatauri hoodie, and holding another one in his hand. He throws it to Charles.

'Put this on Char, you're shivering. But don't let Ferrari see.'

He tips Charles a wink and sits down beside him. Charles pulls the hoodie over his head, it smells familiar, like Pierre's aftershave and Charles worries he's going to bleed all over it.

There's a TV playing their interviews back, and Charles watches as Checo talks about how there never should have been a recovery vehicle anywhere near the track when the drivers were still out there. He looks angry.

Yuki notices this as he comes back with the drinks, and he glances anxiously at Charles.

'We can turn this off if you want?'

Charles shakes his head, he needs to see his own interview because he can't remember a word of what he said and part of him is morbidly curious about it.

When it's his turn to be interviewed, Charles winces. He looks absolutely dreadful on the screen, there's no emotion on his face and his eyes look glazed over. It's like he's started mentally checking out before the interview even gets started.

It's all fine until the interviewer gets to the question about Him and you can literally see Charles start to disassociate, he's looking past the person talking to him before he gives his answer.

'What the fuck?' Pierre shouts, and slams his hands down onto the table. Yuki has to lunge to grab Pierre's coffee cup before it goes flying.

'Sorry Yukes' he says apologetically. 'But seriously, what the fuck?'

'It's fine Pear.' Charles says quickly. 'It happened, I should have seen it coming.'

'You cut them too much slack.' Pierre looks like he's about to commit violence. 'Don't be so nice . They should know better than to ask you that.'

He seems so wound up on Charles' behalf that he starts to wonder if the near miss is affecting Pierre more than he's letting on. Or maybe Charles is just so numb at this point that maybe he doesn't care as much as he should.

They finish watching Charles' interview together and he's surprisingly articulate, considering he had completely spaced out. And it's a relief that the PR team won't have to do any damage control. Then Seb starts talking and his voice is calming and his words are measured and Charles starts to feel better.

Someone from catering brings them sandwiches. No one asks Charles to leave. They probably realise Pierre will actually commit violence if they try to separate them on today of all days 

He'll have to go at some point though, not that he wants to. He's okay here in this little bubble with Pierre and Yuki, not having to deal with their teams and the media circus that will inevitably still be waiting.

At some point, Carlos appears. Charles doesn't remember him arriving, he's just suddenly there , standing next to the table they're sitting at. Someone from Alphatauri must have called him to come and collect his teammate, as though he won't leave willingly by himself. ( And they'd be correct.)

He's brought a Ferrari hoodie with him for Charles to wear because it's apparently completely unacceptable for him to walk across the paddock in the one he's wearing. 

Charles swaps the hoodies over, whilst Carlos chats to some of the staff who are milling around. This is his old team after all, (back when it was Torro Rosso) and Charles often forgets that. How many people in the paddock are connected. 

They say goodbye to Yuki and Pierre before heading out of the door and across the paddock towards Ferrari.

'Do we need to go to debrief?' Charles asks as they walk. 

Carlos shakes his head.

'Mattio said we can go straight back to the hotel. You just need to grab your stuff first.'

He pauses awkwardly like he wants to say something else.

'Seb called a drivers meeting tonight. He said its not mandatory, you don't have to go if you…'

Charles interrupts him.

'I'm going.'

***

After he's taken a hot shower and changed into clean clothes, Charles feels much more human. He grabs his phone to check the details for the drivers meeting. It's going to be at the Aston Martin hotel in an hour. 

Carlos messages him to say he's organised a car to come get them. Lando and Daniel are coming too since McLaren are staying at the same hotel as Ferrari. Come to think of it, Carlos is probably hanging out with Lando right now.

They meet down in the lobby. Charles sees Lando and Daniel and he immediately wants to turn around and go back to his room. He is suddenly regretting this decision.

But he won't. He's going to go and he's going to talk about this. Even though he can feel the wound opening up again.

So they go.

Seb's booked out one of the conference rooms at their hotel. And every single driver is there. Most of them look pissed off but determined. 

Charles instinctively looks for Pierre and finds him sitting alone in the back row wearing a black hoodie with the hood over his head. He looks like he doesn't want anyone to look at him right now but everyone is going to be looking at him. Charles could cry. But he won't, he can't.

So he slides into the seat next to Pierre, who looks up at him and his eyes are sad. 

Seb starts the meeting after shutting the door of the conference room behind the last person to arrive (Checo). Charles is surprised he and Max are even here, especially off the back of Max's championship win.

'Thank you everyone for coming at such short notice.' Seb says. 'I think it's important that we discuss what happened today and what we have to do to improve safety in the future.'

'It is simple.' Fernando says. 'It cannot happen. Race Control need to be held accountable for their decision. There cannot be recovery vehicles on track when there are still cars out there.'

And suddenly Charles finds himself speaking, vomiting out all the horrible ugly feelings that have settled in his chest. And if they don't like it, fuck it. This is bigger than him now, it's bigger than any of them.

'No one else should have to die.' Charles says, his voice cracking. 'I will not bury another one of my friends. Like Fernando said, we hold them accountable. We do not ask for answers. We demand answers. Yes there is a level of danger in our sport but this is beyond that.'

He stops talking, sucking in breaths to try and get enough air in his lungs. The room is very quiet, he doesn't think anyone was expecting him to speak. He feels Pierre next to him lay a hand on his knee. This is hardest on the French speaking drivers, across the room he can see Este, he looks like he's been crying.

'Thank you Charles.' Sebastian says. 'Does anyone else have any other thoughts?'

And the discussion begins in earnest, it seems to be a lot of people venting their emotions about what happened. When Pierre speaks, an uneasy silence falls over the room again, especially when he describes the moment he realised that there was a tractor on the track with him, the absolute fear. 

Charles has to swallow the bile that's rising up in his throat. It just feels too familiar. The story. Although it had a different ending this time, it came frighteningly  close to being a repeat of 2014.

'And they had the nerve to give Pierre a penalty.' Yuki adds. 'It was unfair, given the circumstances, and the fact they fucked up so badly.'

There's an general hum of agreement from the room at this and Charles bites his lip so hard, he feels like it might draw blood.

He's enraged on his friend's behalf, whether Pierre was driving too fast was irrelevant, there shouldn't have been a vehicle on track regardless. It makes him seethe.

Everyone around the room seems to share the same sentiment, with Lando and Checo in particular being very vocal.

The meeting goes on for another half an hour or so before they decide to call it a night. Seb says he's going to prepare a document on their behalf to give to the FIA with their concerns, and most importantly a demand for answers and an apology. It is also decided that (with their teams' agreement) they are going to collectively appeal Pierre's penalty. Which is unheard of.

Seb catches up with Charles and Carlos on the way out. Charles tells Carlos to go ahead, he won't be long.

'Are you alright?' Seb asks as the others pass them in twos and threes. 'I haven't had a chance to speak to you.'

(Ah, he must have seen the blood. Seb sees everything).

No, there's a wound in my gut and I'm scared that everyone can see my insides and it's ugly and disgusting, and I miss Him so much it hurts.

But obviously he doesn't say this, Seb would think he was actually insane. So he gives him an answer that he hopes Seb will accept.

'It is like this sometimes. It will get better.'

But Sebastian is way too perceptive and he doesn't seem to buy what Charles is saying.

'Charles. It is normal to find this difficult. You have been through a traumatic experience, it is okay to not be coping.'

And there it is. The word that describes the wound in his guts. Trauma. Or sometimes it's called grief. Or both maybe. Charles doesn't really know exactly. Only that he's been hiding it from the world since he was seventeen.

Because the raw, ugly outbursts are not what the world wants to see, Charles has learned this over the years. They need him to be sad ( but not like that ). They need him to wipe away the tears, get back in the car and race.

But the world isn't looking right now, it's just him and Seb in a hotel corridor Somewhere In Japan. And maybe it's okay, just this once to let someone see him. So he does.

'I miss him so much.' he says, his voice cracking. 'It hurts like hell and when I saw what happened today, it was like it was happening again. I couldn't lose someone else.'

He glances up at Seb, who doesn't say anything. His expression is passive, and Charles feels safe to carry on speaking. That voice in his head is screaming at him to shut up, shut up, don't let him see. But he ignores it.

'This,' he gestures vaguely around. 'It was never meant for me. I'm doing what he couldn't, and it never feels like enough. I'm tired Seb.'

And he immediately feels selfish for saying it, like he's not a fucking Ferrari driver. He's got no right to be complaining.

Seb lets out a sigh and fixes Charles with such an intense stare that it feels like he's looking into his soul. Charles wants to run away.

'I said it when I left Ferrari, and I'll say it again. You are the most talented driver I have met in Formula One. You deserve this seat, and you would deserve it if Jules was still here. I know it hurts and I do not think it will ever stop hurting but this is your story Charles. So you decide how it's going to go.'

And suddenly Charles is crying. Not the pretty, delicate tears that he lets roll down his cheeks when the cameras are on him. But ugly, full bodied sobs that rip through his body and make him shake. This is what he's been holding in all day. And he's bleeding all over the floor and all the grief and hurt is pouring out of him. And he's not sure it'll ever stop.

Then Seb is holding him so he doesn't fall apart, and Charles is sure he's soaking the front of his Aston t-shirt with blood and tears. He's making such a mess but he can't seem to stop. And then…and then…

'Charles? The car is…'

Fucking wonderful. Now Carlos is back. Like he needs an audience to witness whatever this is. A giggle bubbles up in Charles’ chest and mingles with his tears and he's feeling slightly hysterical.

The warm pressure of Sebastian's body is gone and Charles feels momentarily disoriented before an equally familiar body is pressed against his. And though he'll deny it, Carlos Sainz gives the best hugs. He can hear Seb saying something to Carlos though he couldn't tell you what. 

'Hey mi amigo, ' Carlos says softly in his ear. 'We need to get you back to the hotel now. You good?'

Charles nods against his chest, his sobs subsiding into hiccups. And now he's let out all those feelings he'd been forcing down for the whole weekend, he's starting to feel a little more like himself again. It still hurts but he's not bleeding anymore, he's not carrying the weight of his grief all by himself.

Carlos keeps an arm around his waist as they walk towards the lobby, like he's worried Charles can't keep himself upright. Charles can walk just fine but the contact feels nice, grounding. So he doesn't protest.

There's a car waiting in front of the hotel for them and they climb inside. Carlos sits in the back beside Charles and he's mostly quiet and Charles takes the opportunity to stare out of the window at the passing scenery. He feels raw and hollowed out, but also pure, cleansed, like the outburst earlier purged something toxic from inside him. 

He doesn't want to jinx it but he thinks he can feel the wound slowly starting to heal. For real this time.