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Another late night on the Astral Express led you to staring out the window mindlessly watching the stars float past the other side of the glass. Well, there was not really night and day when you travel through space, but the crew had a way of creating one within the express itself.
It was normal now for you to be running on power naps, not because you had no downtime just because you were constantly plagued by nightmares of your past. It sounds cliche, like a character in a movie who has a tragic backstory because of course they do. The Express, however, reminded you how art is based in reality, and it is rare for anyone to escape the flaws of others.
That may sound pessimistic, but it is true. Everyone is flawed. The flaws of one person get imprinted onto others. Then flaws create misunderstandings and mistakes, and lead to people getting hurt. But they can also lead to beautiful things. They give people the personalities they have, and they lead you to the Express, or they lead the Express to you, and you could not be happier than it did.
Everyone has shown you nothing but kindness and generosity, and you have become friends with most of them, especially March. Typically, you would just go bother her, but seeing as it was somewhere akin to 2am you figured she would be sleeping.
Instead, you open your phone and begin to read through the archives when you notice that it had last been updated 9 minutes ago. Dan Heng was awake? He was the one you had become the closest to in the little bit of time you have been here. Despite his cold demeanor you found him remarkably interesting, albeit a bit mean at times.
Slowly, you slid open your door and out into the pitch-black hallway. Himeko had set all the lights to turn off at 11:00pm as her own way of setting up a day-night-cycle for the Express. Unfortunately, this led you to stumble through the halls of the Express, bumping into a couple of cushioned red chairs and earning a few bruises on your way to the archives.
You let your knuckles lightly clang against the metal door and waited for a reply. A quite reluctant and muffled voice answered the knock, “Come in.” Opening the door, you were greeted with the sight of Dan Heng sitting at the chair in front of a computer. You had not been able to see the archives much, the light from the computer reflecting off the blue tile floor made it look magical. Maybe you could understand why they were so precious to him, at this time of day at least.
Quickly, you let your eyes drift back to the man in front of you, “Hello,” you smile sheepishly although you have begun to feel slightly guilty for interrupting his work, “Why are you still awake”
“Well, I am the Express’ guard. Nighttime should be when I am most alert.” You walked closer to the desk, crossing your arms and resting them on the railing separating the two sections of the room. “I guess that makes sense, but you look really tired.”
“Thank you for pointing that out,” he sounded annoyed and exhausted, not even turning around to look at you, “Is that all you came here for?”
“No actually,” your tone ended up a bit snippier than intended but Dan Heng did not seem to care, “I was wondering if you wanted to chat, because I can't sleep either and was bored.” You watched as he continued to work on the data banks, relentlessly updating and sorting its contents. He seemed to be thinking of a response as he worked so you did not bother saying anything. Letting calm silence settle over the room
When he did speak, it was soft and quiet, as if he were afraid of breaking the fragile peace that was created. “The archives are not a place of chit-chat you know.” You however did not care to tread lightly and fired back with heat evident in your tone, “Okay well you basically live here so were else am I supposed to talk to you?”
You thought you saw the ghost of a smile make its way onto his face but seeing as he was still turned away from you, it was hard to tell; and he began to speak again before you could properly decide whether it was really there or not, “You wait till morning. What made you think I would be a good source of entertainment anyway?”
That was an easy question, but you really did not want to make him uncomfortable if the last time you gave him a compliment was anything to go by. Instead opting for the indirect option, “Well, I would go and bother March usually, but it is really late, and I do not and to wake her up. And I know Stelle stays up late, but I personally think she is intimidating. So here we are.” You drop your head into the pocket of your elbow as you finish speaking.
“Glad to know I was your last choice.” You knew he was clearly joking as he said this but his ability to sound serious at any moment had you feeling as if you still had to defend yourself and inform him that that is not the case. “It is not like that! Ugh, I knew you were updating the archives, that is how I knew you were awake. I just did not want to bother you while working, but I suppose my boredom won in the end.” you added a bit of dramatic flair as you spoke.
Suddenly, Dan Heng started laughing. Well, it was more like a stream of chuckles, but for someone who did not laugh much it was as close to a laugh you had ever heard out of him. You reveled in the rare sound, it twinkled like bells, you would be lying if you said you did not want to hear it again.
You would also be lying if you said his laughing did not get under your skin a little, “What are you laughing at.” However, your question seemed to have fallen on deaf ears since he made no move to replay, simply changing the subject, “Shouldn't you try and get some rest instead of chatting with me?”
He had a point. You really should be trying to sleep, even if you know the effort is fruitless for your sleep is riddled with nightmares. “You shouldn't be the one telling me that when your sleeping habits seem just as bad as mine.”
“Then I suppose we will just bot regret not sleeping when morning comes.” You had to admit sleep did sound nice, and something about a late-night chat had your eyes slipping closed. But you would rather persevere through the exhaustion than let yourself be tortured with unpleasant depictions and retellings of the past.
“Do not worry, I am used to it by now. Running on nothing but 10-minute power naps and caffeine is kinda my thing.” While saying this you look at your hand in a nonchalant way, giving off mock swagger. At this point he had stopped working and turned around to be properly facing you, “I don't think that kind of unhealthy lifestyle is something you should be proud of, but I’ll spare you the lecture.” He paused for a moment before continuing in a subtly gentler tone, “you really should get some rest.”
For as much as you wanted to stay, you could tell he was just trying to look out for you. Naturally, you gave in even knowing that you won't actually sleep, “If you insist. Although you better do the same.” You give him a small smile before turning to leave. Just before slipping through the door, you catch his reply, “I’ll try.”
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One week later
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After a particularly grueling mission everyone on the express started to crash one by one. Slowly the halls emptied out as they went to sleep, recovering the energy spent on the mission. Even you couldn't ignore the tantalizing promise of sleep.
As you hit the mattress the world around you faded to nothing, aching muscles finally receiving long deserved rest, not even your eyelids could hold themselves up anymore as your brain let itself be conquered by long awaited slumber.
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The darkness of your closed eyes parted to reveal the eternally frozen landscape of Jarilo-VI. Tall snowcapped peaks ascended into the cloudy sky on every side of you. In the middle of the mountains was a small clearing, with a small house. A valley that existed between two of the towering mountains allowed you to see the city of Belobog in the not so far off distance, perhaps a day’s travel.
You were wrapped in all kinds of clothing, but the harsh cold was still burning your skin, the wind was certainly of no help. The small house in the clearing was a promise of warmth. Of home, with a fire and blankets and hands to hold you as you slept through a frosty winter’s night.
Approaching the house, you could see a small stream of smoke trickling from the chimney, it really was safety. The door opened before you could knock, and the face of a kind, middle aged man greeted you. His face was worn and wrinkled, the sign of someone who had worked too hard, who had traversed many trials. He had stubble growing around his face and those small crinkles around his eyes that made him seem like a father.
“Come in little one,” His tone was so gentle and soft, it felt like a blanket was being wrapped around you and suddenly the cold could not bite you. Inside, the house was barren. A small fire was set in the fireplace and the kitchenette boasted a kettle of warm water. The rest of the house consisted of one bathroom and a living room, which was really just a couch and coffee table with blankets strewn around. Despite the less than decadent interior, the atmosphere was cozy and warm, nothing like the blustery wilderness.
He handed you a bowl of soup which you scarfed down immediately not even caring for the taste, you were simply happy to have some form of sustenance after a few days of starvation. Seeing this, the man begins to prepare a second bowl for you, this as well, disappears within seconds. You did not know how to thank him for his kindness so, as you returned the bowl to him you gave him a hug.
The warmth and comfort of a warm meal and cozy atmosphere had you feeling drowsy. Before you knew it, you had fallen asleep on the couch in this man's home, blankets covering you from the little bit of frosty air infiltrating the building.
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When you awoke you felt like you were swaying, although sleep was still fogging your brain, you could barely recognize the feeling of cold before unconsciousness quickly claimed you once more.
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Dim light flooded your eyes, as the damp smell of mold penetrated into your nose. It was cold, and you could feel nothing but hard stone beneath your knees. What happened to that warmth you felt before, was it all just an illusion? The stinging cold of metal could be felt around your wrists and looking up allowed you to see the once gentle face of the man who had taken you from the snow and into his home.
Now, however, his face had hardened into something scary, something dark. When he spoke his voice no longer carried any warmth but the same frigid air as the world outside, “Thanks for making my job so easy kid,” even as he laughed it was nothing short of sinister. He made sure to spit on you as he left the room, only to be replaced by a young woman with a scalpel.
You felt nothing but fear as she approached you, the sadistic smile on her face did not do anything to calm your nerves. Ever so slowly she took your arm with a grip you could not fight. The scalpel dug into your skin causing small beads of red to slide down your arm.
And you screamed.
You screamed for the mother you never had, for anyone to same you. Completely helpless as this woman carved designs into your skin. Marks that would never go away, constant reminders.
You screamed.
Until your lungs ran dry, until you were gasping for air.
Until you fell unconscious.
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You bolted awake, immediately alert.
It was just a nightmare. Even so you could feel the air being squeezed out of your lungs. Shouldn't you be used to this by now? After so many years?
You let yourself slowly calm down before grabbing your phone, deciding that that was enough sleep for one night. The bright screen flashed the time at you, 4 AM. Considering the mission got finished at one, three hours of sleep is not that bad, at least for you.
As you wiped the tears off your face, you checked the archive for any updates. Maybe a late-night chat would help you pass the time:
Last updated: 1 hour ago
You figured it was still worth a shot considering he, similarly to you, never seems to sleep. The dark hallway felt the same as before, you knew they were safe, but you could not help the paranoia that ate at you, stupid nightmares. Unlike last time, however, you managed to make it to the door of the archives without acquiring any new bruises.
Without knocking, you slide the door open as quietly as possible. The archive room was cloaked in darkness, and you could see Dan Heng lying on his futon, the light of the enterprise servers reflecting off his open eyes as they darted to look at who entered, “It’s me again.” you whispered into the empty void of a room.
There was no response, typical, “Come on I know you are awake,” you enter the room being sure to close the door behind you in an attempt to show him you are not going to leave until he at least responds. He continues to stay silent, but his eyes follow you as you walk closer to him and sit down with your back against the railing.
“Yeah? Well, what else is new? I suppose you could not sleep either?” he said, eyes flitting away from you and onto the ceiling. His face was tired, and his eyes were sunken, he did not even try to take off his make-up. You almost felt sorry for him, but you know no one likes to be pitied.
“This feels familiar,” you let a small chuckle slip from your lips while Dan Heng sits up on his futon no longer pretending to be asleep, “How are you doing?” Even you did not know where you were going with this, but a simple ‘how are you’ is always a good start, right?
“I am all right, a bit tired but that is inevitable. How about you?” That basically told you nothing considering the bags around his eyes. How long has it been sense he slept? It is not like you can say anything, that would just be hypocritical. “Same as always, I can never sleep,” You let your head fall comfortably onto the tops of your knees.
When he replied his tone was jokingly aggravated, “Did you come here for me to entertain you again?” a small giggle escaped you before replying, “That, and just to take my mind off some things,” His statement was correct after all, you were using him as entertainment, only because you know he doesn't mind of course.
“Care to chat until you start feeling drowsy then?” No matter how much that offer genuinely surprised you, it did not show on your face. Instead, you just smiled and replied with a remark of your own, “Or until the lights turn on and another day on the express starts.”
You pick your head up before listening to what he has to say, “That is also a possibility, although I must admit something about the night makes me wish it would stick around.” As much as you could agree, your brain was quick to remind you of reasons to disagree
“I suppose. I find myself uncomfortably honest at night, however.” And uncomfortable in general. Any forms of darkness tend to bring up bad memories, similar to your nightmares. It has, however, gotten better since you joined the express.
“Uncomfortably honest? How so?” It took you a moment to formulate a good explanation for your words, “I find I tend to say more than I want too.” Dan Heng hummed, talking in your answer before sharing his own thoughts, “That does not sound like such a terrible thing, people often hold back many thoughts, but it is healthy to let them be known. At least, I think that may be why people share more at night, the darkness creates an air of animosity.”
“Yeah, no one can see you in the darkness, it's almost like you are talking to no one at all.” Maybe it comes from walking as if the world is made of eggshells, but you find yourself spilling everything once given the chance, even more so when no one can see you.
Dan Heng just hummed in response letting a comfortable silence take the place of words, it almost felt as if you two were still talking. A few moments passed before you find yourself speaking up once more, “Did you sleep at all? That mission was rough, I am sure your body is craving rest.” His eyes flicked to you before he looked away in a guilty manner, “No, but I do not mind. I should not disregard my duties as a guard, especially right after a successful mission anyway.”
He is not telling the full truth and you know it; you recognize yourself, your own excuses in the words he says, but you decide not to pry. “Is there any reason in particular you don't sleep?” ok, maybe this counted as prying, “No, just insomnia. What about you?” For a moment you considered telling the truth, only for a moment, “Same with me, just insomnia.” A guilty part of you was screaming to just tell him, but you shut it up with the promise of telling him another night.
“What do you think about the express?” he asked suddenly. It was a question you never had to think about, the answer was obvious, “I really love the express, and the entire crew. To me, there is no better place in the universe.” You could not help but smile as you talked about it, and neither could Dan Heng as a subtle smile was playing on his lips, “I see.” Before he could say anymore the bright lights of the express started to shine through the underside of the door marking a new day.
“I guess we better get to work huh?” You dragged yourself up from the floor and waved goodbye with a smile before slipping into the halls.
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A few days later you found yourself, once again, having a late-night chat with Dan Heng. This time, however, you just simply walked right into the archives room to find him wide awake and staring out that large window, having turned off the screen usually projected over it.
“Did you know that getting good sleep is important for your health,” he said just as the door clicked closed behind you. “What a greeting,” you snide, “However, I don't think you have any right to say that when we are both sitting here at some obnoxious hour of the night making no moves to try and fall asleep.” you walk further into the room and let yourself slide down against the railing just like before.
He chuckled, making no moves to look at you, entranced by the view in front of him, “Touché. I guess it would be hypocritical of me to say anything more.” The room was lit only by the light of stars that shined through the window, and the stable flickering of the archive's enterprise servers. The quiet of the late hour settled into the room bringing with it a certain tranquility, and safety. “It is beautiful right? Just staring at the countless worlds. There is so much life, so many stories.”
Dan Heng looked at you as you stared out the window, admiring the view, “Indeed.” A simple statement, but the twinge of awe that could be heard in his voice let you know more than what the words he spoke did.
Fragile silence settled over the room as you both looked into the vast expanse of stars and planets in front of you. You broke that silence though, to answer a question asked too long ago to be relevant anymore, “Nightmares.” a single word, but in it lied a confession. Dan Heng turned around in the chair to look at you, eyes pulled away from the window. You did not bother looking at him, “Nightmares?” he repeated the word as a question, urging you to explain.
“Last time, you asked me why I stay up so late into the night.” you watch as his expression shifts slightly, letting you know he already understands where this is going. “I don't sleep due to consistent nightmares.” His eyes glaze over with sympathy for a moment before returning to the normal stoic expression he always wears.
Dan Heng seems to think for a moment before responding, “For how long?” It was the perfect response, of course it was, he did not begin to pity you, or try to fix anything, he just accepted it. “Forever,” Well, since you were about 7, but that is practically your entire life, “Thats why I do not bother saying anything about them. It has become normal for me to live with them. I find ways around it.” To that he merely hummed in acknowledgement and changed the subject, “Is the express also a safe haven for you?” also? You figured he had a story about finding the express, but he should be the one to tell it. You should not dig for that information. “Yeah. It is the first place I feel like I can really call home. I owe everything to the express and its crew.”
A gentle smile graced his features, “I guess we both owe a lot to the express.” Nothing more was said in the 30 minutes before the lights turned on. You both just sat in comfortable silence enjoying the company of one another and thinking about everything that was revealed in the span of one night’s conversation.
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Tonight, you chose not to bother Dan Heng. Instead, you sat in your room's bay window staring at the beauty of the galaxy and worrying a little too much about the mission you were meant to go on tomorrow. You do not see yourself as the most capable fighter, so you tend to overthink missions in an attempt to be useful in other ways.
The sound of your door sliding open, however, interrupted these thoughts. It was not terribly late, around 12:27 a.m. Your head snapped to look at the intruder, but your eyes softened as soon as you saw him. Dan Heng was standing in your doorway; he was looking down, making it impossible to tell what was going on. As you sat up and began to approach him, however, the light of the stars glistened off his face, outlining a small tear streak that was already starting to dry.
Gently, and without a word, you took his hand leading him over to the window you were just sitting at. He followed you lifelessly, letting himself be dragged along and keeping his gaze glued to the floor. You sat down first guiding him to do the same. When he still made no move to do anything you slowly guided him to lay down, his head resting on your lap.
He did not say anything, but he did not need too, you already knew what had happened, “You too huh?” Your tone was soft and gentle as you let your fingers card through his hair, it was softer than you thought it would be, “yeah.” His voice was barely audible, but you would count any response as a win. “It must have been a really bad one.” You were talking just to fill the silence, to create a distraction. It did not matter if he responded or not anymore, you just needed to make sure he was not lost in his own thoughts.
It was a little strange to see this side of the typically reserved and stoic guard of the express, he always seemed so put together. Yet, at the same time you cannot help but be happy that he trusts you this much.
Your hands continued to mess with his hair, and trace mindless patterns on his upper arm until his breathing began to calm down. His eyes remained closed, and you could not help but appreciate how pretty he was. You had never really looked at him this closely before but the way the light of the stars illuminated his porcelain skin in gorgeous contrast with his raven hair was really something.
“you’re quite pretty” you mused, “I've never had the opportunity to stare at you this closely before,” He acknowledged you with a quiet hum causing you to laugh lightly, “Are you falling asleep? It is okay if you do, I will stay here with you.” He did not respond to your question, instead asking his own, “Do you think it will get better?”
The question took you by surprise, but you tried not to let that show. A few moments passed before you were able to say anything, “I cannot say I know. For me, I am so used to them that I don't pay them any mind. They have become my new normal. Of course, I would like to be able to give in to sleep and get proper rest, but that is not possible.” You pause for a moment before continuing again quietly, “Still, I hold on to hope that one day, it will get better.”
Again, Dan Heng only hums in response. He is lost in his own thoughts after all, but at least he is listening, even if it is only a little bit. You let your fingers continue to stroke his hair as if he was a cat as you pull your eyes away from him and onto the view just outside your window. Eventually you feel his breathing even out and become deeper, he fell asleep.
You hummed light tunes to yourself, letting them be carried away by the tranquility of the night. The stars were the only spectators of this tender moment.
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As the lights in the hallway flickered to life you began to nudge the man in your lap lightly, “It's time to wake up” you urged, almost feeling guilty for interrupting his peaceful slumber. He muttered something incoherent, to which you poked at him playfully, a yawn threatening to interfere. It had been at least 47 hours since you last sleep and you were nothing short of exhausted.
You watched as Dan Heng’s eyes fluttered open and he started scanning his surroundings. “Good morning,” you chimed from above him, “I hope you slept well.” Slowly, he pulled himself up away from your lap and began to rub the lingering sleep from his eyes, “I did, thank you.” His voice was deeper, and a touch more raspy than normal due to disuse.
“We better get going, we start a new mission today.” You try your best to shake off the sleepiness and get ready for a new day.
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After getting a mission debrief, you and Dan Heng were waiting in the main lobby. Both for the Express to get to the mission site and for your two other teammates: March and Stelle. Despite having three cups of coffee, you still could not shake the drowsy feeling that was following you.
Without even realizing, your head rested against Dan Heng’s shoulder, although he did not seem to mind, “Don’t worry. I’ll wake you up when we get there.” the words were spoken softly, lulling you into sleep. And for the first time, in a long time, your sleep remained undisturbed by nightmares or terrible recollections of the past.