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Mikey had a hard time telling what reaction was good for what time. He normally just copied his brothers.
He knew how he wanted to feel, but he also knew that he was hardly ever right.
Leo said it was okay to be scared, but what about angry? Was it okay to feel angry?
Or sad. Could he be sad? When was he supposed to be sad?
He started watching. When he felt something, he would watch. Only smile when at least two of his brothers were happy. Only cry when two of his brothers were sad. Only glare when two of his brothers were mad.
He eventually got tired. He couldn’t keep up with all of their feelings. Raph and Leo hardly ever matched and he couldn’t read Donnie so he decided it was easier to always be one thing and get it wrong half the time than try to switch and get it wrong all the time.
So he stopped watching. He just grinned. The hits started again, more than before, and he knew he was getting it wrong, but it didn’t matter because he had more energy (except he didn’t, because the smiling was just as exhausting as the watching) and sometimes he still found himself copying his brothers, mirroring their expressions, and the hits would stop, and he didn’t like that because it was wrong, so he smiled and smiled and smiled and just let everything else happen because if he was sad at the wrong time it hurt more than if he was happy at the wrong time.
But it went bad. It went bad like the pizza slices he kept finding under his bed. Because they were smiling and happy and he was supposed to be happy, too, because he was supposed to always be happy but all he felt was tired and hurt and he was still smiling but he was crying too and he couldn’t stop-
“Uh, Mikey?”
Mikey grinned wider, forcing it to spread across his face, to show his teeth, but his responding ‘yeah?’ came out cracked and broken and it broke the smile but he wasn’t supposed to be sad .
“C’mon, knucklehead,” Raph huffed, nudging him with his shoulder. “The Shredder’s dead. What’s wrong?”
A sob tore through his throat without his permission and Raph backed away and it was wrong- wrongwrongwrong- because they weren’t feeling sad so he shouldn’t feel sad but it all burst out in a scream and he was on his knees and shaking and wrong .
“-is he hurt,- nie?”
“No, -e’s fine-!”
“-en why is -e cryi -?”
“I don’t know!”
“D-nie, calm down, -ake a walk-, okay?”
Mikey melted into his biggest brother’s arms and cried.
Leo shushed him. “Let it out, otouto.”
Mikey didn’t remember anything after that, not until he woke up again over Raph’s shoulder, Leo’s hand in his, Donnie trailing slightly behind, head down.
He fell asleep again quickly, however, with Leo stroking the back of his hand and Raph patting his shell.
“You wanna tell us what happened out there, Mike?” Leo asked, squeezing the hand he still hadn’t released.
Mikey blinked, humming. “I dunno.”
“Why were you so worked up?”
Mikey clamped his eyes shut. “‘M sorry. I can be happy.”
“It’s okay to be sad, Mikey,” Leo stated, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “But do you know why you’re sad?”
Mikey shook his head, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.”
They didn’t push anymore, but Leo didn’t leave, either, because Mikey wouldn’t let go of his hand.
He was still there when Mikey woke up, way too early to be considered morning, half drunk and head pounding. “Ani?”
“Yeah?”
“C’n I stop smiling?”
“Of course.”
“M’kay. G’night.”
“Goodnight, Mikey.”