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1 Samuel 16

So David is a shepherd boy. He spends his boring days practicing the lyre in the fields and practicing his slingshot for the few moments when it is decidedly not boring in the worst of ways.

Then one day his dad sends for him and it turns out some dude named Samuel came and–oh wait it’s /that/ Samuel? Woah. He’s like, super important and the elders are shaking. But then Samuel takes one look at him and dumps a horn of oil over his head, which...

Rude.

But then it sets in that this is actually an honor! Oil is expensive and you’re only supposed to anoint kings and stuff. And David gets the spirit of the Lord and Samuel just up and leaves to Ramah.

Now because of this everybody in town thinks David is big stuff, so they finally listen to his lyre-playing and acknowledge his bravery in fending off beasts from the sheep. It’s kinda nice not just being Jesse’s youngest son, the afterthought, anymore! Everybody’s calling him handsome, it’s great.

Then one day a messenger comes and it turns out the townspeople have been really hyping up his music, cuz Saul–yes, /King/ Saul–is convinced he’s some sort of musical prodigy who can ward off demons with his lyre. And he is, but like. That totally sounds like a scam, right? So then David comes and plays a few songs for Saul, expecting a one-and-done bc sure, he practices a lot and is great, but he’s not that great. But Saul seems to really take a shine to him for some reason! And before he knows it David has an official position as one of Saul’s armor-bearers.

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1 Samuel 17

There’s a war, and David’s three biggest brothers are at the front with Saul, but Jesse worked out some sort of custody arrangement thanks to that and now David works part-time shepherd (like old times) and part time as an armor-bearer. He gets sent back and forth as an errand/bribery boy bc Jesse wants to make sure his sons are safe and also get some philistine spoils if possible. So he has to haul legit 10 wheels of cheese to his brothers’ commander. Good times.

Except when he finally gets to the camp it’s all in a kerfluffle, so he ditches the cheeses with the luggage-keeper and goes to see what all the fuss is about. It’s a giant! And whoever kills him will get his father riches (!!), the king’s daughter in marriage (!), and his family won’t ever have to pay taxes ever again (!!!!!!!).

Then biggest bro comes over and is like “you little brat why are you here? You’ve abandoned the sheep to rubberneck!” So David, having come on his father’s orders for his brothers’ sake, gets a little spiteful. He says no, can’t he even ask a question without his bro getting suspicious? And actually, you know what, he’s come here to fight, thank you very much, and hey your majesty, never fear, I’ll go fight the giant!

And Saul is like, “but you are babey”

And David tells him about how cool he was fighting off bears and lions when shepherding.

And Saul is impressed and says “go, the Lord be with you, lemme give you all my fancy stuff to keep you safe”

And then David, once he’s been dressed up in the fancy armor, is like “nah, I’m not used to them” ditches it all, picks out his shepherd staff and five (5) rocks from a stream, and goes to meet the giant.

And the giant is like “Imma feed your flesh to the birds of the air and the beasts of the field!”

And David is like “No, Imma feed /your/ flesh to the birds of the air and the beasts of the field!”

And then they throw down and David immediately kills the dude with one stone to the forehead. And like, now he feels kinda silly for letting his anxiety tell him to take five when he only really needed the one.

Then David’s side routs the Philistines, who are all shooketh that some part-time armor boy, part-time shepherd took out their giant. David lets the giant’s head be paraded around Jerusalem, but he keeps the giant armor in his own room. Poor Saul, the kids think a giant’s armor is cooler than his.

And then Saul is like “Whose son is that young man?”

And Saul’s commander Abner, the one to whom the cheese wheels were addressed, says idk

And Saul is like go find out for me

So Abner brings in David, who is still holding the giant’s dripping head, getting blood all over Saul’s fancy king tent. And Saul is like “so what’s your name” to this dude he legit hired specifically for his magical lute playing and liked so much he made him part of his armor-bearing squad.

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1 Samuel 18

And then Jonathan walks in.

It’s love at first sight.

Jonathan walks into his father’s tent to find a super handsome dude about his age, maybe a tad younger, holding a giant dripping head by the hair over his father’s fancy carpet, rolling his eyes bc his highness forgot his name. It’s hot.

So Jonathan asks for David to stay with them in the army camp, please dad, and Saul is like sure, why not! His son can have a powerful new friend! Friends kiss sometimes, that’s normal right? It’s not like his heir is gay.

And for a while it’s all peachy! David and Jonathan start dating, they get married, they take each other’s clothes off, David’s rank in the military is rising. Saul seems to have accepted that actually yes, his heir is gay.

And then the war is over and they’re heading back to the palace, and these ladies start singing a song about how Saul slayed a thousand men and David slew ten thousand. And Saul gets like, really offended and thought it meant David was trying to usurp him. Cuz he’s already turned his heir gay, was that not enough? Ugh.

The next day Saul is having an evil spirit episode but when David comes to play his magical lyre, Saul tries to stab him with a spear.

Twice.

Rude!

And then as an “apology” but really to get him out of the kingdom and away from Jonathan, Saul gives David a bunch of soldiers and basically says “go wild!” But it backfires and he becomes a hero yet again and now the people love David even more.

So Saul decides to marry his oldest daughter Merab to David. He’ll demand 100 dead Philistines as a brideprice, and David will die trying to get them. And Daivd is weirdly whatever about this generous offer and keeps evading conversation, and at the last moment Merab gets all rebellious and marries some other dude! The horror! But it’s okay cuz Saul’s younger daughter, Michal, has the hots for David.

So Saul is like “Hey David! Marry Michal and you can be my son-in-law through two! Wouldn’t that be cool?”

And David thinks this is great! His husband’s dad has moved past trying to kill him, and is instead extending this generous offer of peace and trust! So David, buoyed on this naive sentiment that he is no longer irrationally hated, goes and kills twice as many Phillistines as the bride price and comes back fine. Saul is perturbed and even angrier with David. Michal is happy to be with her crush and grateful that polyamory is the norm among royalty. David is happy his father-in-law doesn’t seem to hate him anymore. Jonathan is glad his husband isn’t dead but kinda pissed at his sister.

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1 Samuel 19

Soon Saul tells Jonathan and his men to kill David. Cuz you know, asking your son to kill his husband is a completely sane and normal thing to do. But Jonathan likes David even though he doesn’t like having to share him with his sister, and so he warns him. How shocking.
And Jonathan is like “Dad pls don’t kill my husband”

And Saul does a complete 180 out of nowhere and is like “I swear on the Lord that David will not be put to death”

And things are great! Jonathan mediates between the two and Saul has David play the lyre for him again.

But after the next war David is a hero again and Saul gets jealous again, so he tries (again) to stab David with a spear while he plays the lyre. (Again.) David is absolutely never gonna play the lyre for this prick again, the attempted stabbings are becoming a pattern. Why hire a magical lyre player if you’re gonna try and stab him, honestly.

So David goes back to his and Michal’s house, cuz Jonathan is taking a little vacation after the tiresome job of keeping his dad from killing his husband. (you go on vacation one time, Jonathan! One time!) In the morning Saul sends assassins after David, so Michal helps him out the window and tells the assassins he’s sick. Because that will definitely deter the assassins, they’ll totally come back to kill him when he’s better, right? Wrong. But Michal planned for this! The assassins see a body in the bed and rip off the blankets to stab the statue! Wait, the statue? Yep, Michal put a statue in the bed and gave it goats’ hair to make it convincing. Good thing David wasn’t around to hear his hair compared to a goat’s, he just might divorce her over that.

So Saul hears of this and is like, “Michal! Daughter! I don’t understand why you won’t let me kill your husband!”

And she rolls her eyes and makes up an excuse that David made her do it.

David has fled to meet Samuel–-yes, /that/ Samuel-–to do prophecy stuff!

So Saul sends men after him. They prophesy.

So Saul sends even more men after him. They prophesy.

So Saul sends even /more/ men after him! They prophesy.

So finally, Saul himself follows and also does prophecy stuff, only his prophecy stuff for some reason involves laying around the streets naked for a few days. It’s difficult being king.

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1 Samuel 20

David goes and meets up with Jonathan and is like “dude, your dad is trying to kill me again! Do you know why?”

And Jonathan is like “No he’s not! He told me in advance all the other times he was planning to kill you, and I haven’t heard anything this time, so obviously you won’t die!”

And David says “okay I’ll prove it! Take your father out to dinner for the New Moon Feast and say I’m coming, but then when I don’t show up gauge his reaction. Remember we’re married and love each other a lot so please trust me and do this!”

And Jonathan argues but eventually agrees and swears he’ll do it, and they have a big Relationship Moment™ and renew their marriage vows.

So at the New Moon dinner Jonathan says that David decided to celebrate the holiday with his brothers back home instead, and Saul /flips out/, cursing at Jonathan and being generally homophobic and saying he must choose his family over his spouse. (which is exactly what David allegedly did, but don’t tell him that) and that David must die. Then Saul tries to kill Jonathan with his spear (man, he really needs to do more target practice) and Jonathan is like “oh! Lightbulb moment, maybe he’s serious about this!”

Jonathan decides to not eat for a day to make a point about how upset he is at his dad for trying to kill his husband for realsies again.

So David and Jonathan meet in a field and make out passionately while crying (as one does), remind each other of their love, and David flees the land to escape Saul.

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1 Samuel 21

So David flees to a different town and meets Ahimelek the priest, who is shaking in fear that David doesn't have an army with him. It really says a lot about David’s public image.

David says it’s bc he’s on a /secret mission/ from the king, now please give him some bread.

Ahimelek is like “okay but I only have holy bread that you can’t eat if you’ve been kissing women lately.”

And David is like “lol yeah you don’t have to worry about that, I don’t usually kiss women, I usually go places with men.”

And Ahimelek thinks this checks out and gives David the sword from the giant he killed all that time ago. David has had a growth spurt since then and is no longer a teenager, so it is less difficult to lift than it used to be but still very difficult. It’s a cool sword tho! He can’t just leave it behind! So he takes the way-too-big sword.

David keeps fleeing to a different kingdom, where the king is like “oh you’re king david, right? The one that killed ten thousand men?”

And this makes David very afraid for some reason (maybe he’s worried somebody will rat him out to Saul) so he comes up with a plan! And that plan is to pretend to be crazy and Definitely Not David and drool all over the place. It works.