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It’s honestly embarrassing at first, coming in to Smosh with Anthony back. All of the old schoolers, Court, Shayne, Keith, Noah, Liv, even Damien. They all know. They’ve all seen him with Anthony. They’ve seen him without. They witnessed the change that happened after, the changes that had happened since. Granted, they’d never known that carefree teenager he’d been when they first started this shit, but the change when Anthony left, it was still palpable.
Most of all to Shayne, who paid way more attention to everyone than Ian was ever comfortable with. And then there was Courtney, who just cared so much it was literally pouring out of her eyes.
That first day, looking out at the company he’d built, largely after Anthony had left, he’s so fucking proud and happy and excited that it doesn’t dawn on him that he’s about to experience his team getting to know him on a level they never have before.
Because he has no chill. He has absolutely zero chill about how fucking pumped he is to have Anthony back.
In that very meeting, that first announcement after Anthony walked back in, Shayne said with his arms crossed and eyes filled with mirth, “Ahh, that’s why with the happier Ian we’ve been getting these days.”
Ian is confused, Anthony is laughing, and Courtney is crying. Everyone else is agreeing.
“See, I told you you’d been glowing up, Ian, getting all hot lately,” Chanse says, grinning.
Ian feels flattered, just like he’s felt flattered every time Chanse has remarked on Ian’s hotness status levelling up these past few months, but he can feel his cheeks flushing and suddenly wants to crawl under a rock maybe for a minute or ten.
“It’s not just hot,” Amanda says, talking to Chanse but still loud enough for Ian to hear. “It’s the aura too.”
“Yeah, like, total boss ass bitch mode,” Angela says, excited and bouncy, turning to look at Ian. “Ian, yay!”
Ian laughs then, because how can he not. Everyone’s happy, there’s nothing but compliments, and he’s got Anthony by his side putting a hand on his shoulder and giggling that giggle that Ian’s missed so much over these past six years. How can he be anything less than elated?
+
Courtney corners him later– alone in his office, thank god– and pulls him into one of the tightest hugs he’s ever experienced in his life. She’s crying right in his ear as she tells him how happy she is that he and Anthony are back together again, how proud she is of him for the work he’s done in the last six years to get here. He feels pretty fucking emotional too so he hugs her close and tells her to shut the fuck up and she giggles but he’s pretty sure she sees the tears brimming in his eyes as she pulls back.
Shayne’s a different story. He also finds Ian in his office later, alone, but he doesn’t hug him and he isn’t crying. Instead, he sits down across from him. “So this is what you wanted to talk to me about?”
Ian looks at him and can’t quite identify the look in Shayne’s eye. Happy but worried, maybe a little emotional too. It makes sense, Shayne’s a very thoughtful, anxious, cautious person. “Over break? Yeah. I know you can get in your head sometimes, especially when surprised.”
Shayne nods. “Yeah. Sorry about that. Honestly I was a little afraid of what you were gonna say, so I took the coward’s way out and pushed it back.”
Ian grins. “I get it. But see? Only good news.”
“Yeah,” Shayne says, but there’s a lot he’s not saying underneath all that calm, which mostly Ian can tell by the way Shayne’s closed his body off by crossing his arms again.
“You’re still concerned,” Ian asks, wanting to reassure Shayne. “Listen there’s a lot we can go over. I was going to tell you all of this if you’d come over that day, but we can go over–”
“I’m not.” Shayne stops himself, closing his mouth. “That’s not. Let’s worry about Smosh things a different time. I’m sure there’s gonna be a lot of meetings and discussions in the near future, I can wait til then.”
Ian stands and comes to stand in front of Shayne, leaning back against the desk. “Spill then.”
“I’m just.” Shayne stops himself again and Ian starts to get a little irritated. This has been a wonderful day, full of well wishes and congratulations and hugs. More than a few happy tears here and there. If Shayne doesn’t come out with this already, Ian’s gonna lose his patience. “I’m. Concerned.”
Ian nods. “For your place here? We don’t plan on making any personnel changes, Shayne. You, least of all–”
Shayne raises a hand, cutting Ian off mid sentence. “That’s not. Well, sure that’s there, but that’s not what I’m.” Shayne lets out a frustrated breath, and Ian hates how sometimes Shayne gets like this. So much worry in his head, fighting himself on whether or not to say it, how to say it, when to say it.
“It’s me, Shayne. Just tell me.”
“You’re good,” Shayne asks finally, uncrossing his arms and clasping his hands between his knees. “Like. You’re happy?”
Ian is… confused. “Yeah. So happy.”
Shayne nods. “So this is… You and Anthony, you’ve reconnected, this is about friendship and partnership, not…”
Ian frowns. “Not what?”
“Guilt,” Shayne says, cringing a little. “I mean, not that you’ve ever admitted… And not that I think you should even have any– I just kind of always thought you had a lot of guilt over the way it ended with you guys, and I just wanna make sure–”
Ian slouches a little further into the desk. “Shayne look. This has been coming for at least 9 months. It was my idea. Yes I’ve felt guilt. And sadness. And anger, for that matter, over the past six years. But mostly I missed my best friend.” He shakes his head, shrugging. “I got him back now. I’m actually legitimately really happy.”
“I’m just.” Shayne stands then and takes a step closer, putting a hand on Ian’s arm. “Listen, I’m happy for ya’ll. If you’re happy, I’m fucking there dude.”
Ian covers Shayne’s hand with his, smiling softly. “That’s really sweet Shayne.”
“I’m not being sweet,” Shayne says, meeting his eyes. “I’m being protective. I love you dude. I just want you to be happy.”
Ian’s grin widens. “And in my book? That’s really sweet, Shayne.”
“I’m a ride or die type, Ian. I’ve ridden with you this whole time, and we’ve jumped off more than our fair share of cliffs. I’ll jump off this one too,” he says. “I just wanted to make sure this was you wanting this, not you feeling like you owed it to him.”
Ian pulls Shayne into a hug, just as tight as Courtney’s was. “Love you too, bud. This is what I want.”
+
None of this is embarrassing. This is Courtney and Shayne. He may not refer to Smosh at large as family as much anymore, but Courtney and Shayne certainly are.
No. What winds up being embarrassing is the fact that he feels himself changing right back into “Old Smosh” Ian without even realizing he has until Amanda furrows her eyebrows at him after a spectacularly silly outburst and says, “Who… are you?”
“The real Ian,” Keith says, grinning. “Ya’ll don’t even know what a silly bitch Ian can be.”
What’s embarrassing is, he became Bummer Ian to begin with. He wonders how long it took. Was it really Anthony leaving? Defy collapsing? Was it Defy coming on to the scene to begin with? The soul crushing, devastating, up and down process of finding them a new home after Defy? Doing so while utterly and completely alone? Was it becoming President and finding himself feeling the need to distance himself at least professionally from the people he’d come to think of as family?
It doesn’t really matter is the truth. In the end, it’s a combination of all of these things.
What’s embarrassing is watching the people who’ve only known him the past three years, four years, realize that the Ian they’ve known all this time has had this side to him all along. That Anthony coming back was all it took to bring this side of Ian back.
What’s embarrassing is seeing them retroactively realize that he’s spent the past six years depressed.
What’s embarrassing is he himself realizing this, because he’d mostly thought he’d been fine.
He gets a lot of smiles. A lot of pats on the shoulder. A lot of sympathy, actually. When he reads that letter Anthony wrote, he thought he did a pretty good job of hiding how painful it was to read some of those things, and watching the video he’s pretty sure he did.
Amanda noticed though. It makes sense Amanda noticed, and as embarrassing as it may feel to be faced with her sympathetic brown eyes and warm hand on his shoulder, it also feels validating.
Chanse is a surprise though. He’s been getting closer to Chanse– or more like, Chanse has been opening up more to letting Ian get close– the past year. After the letter Chanse brings him little gifts, like coffee and chocolate, and he doesn’t explicitly ask anything outright but it’s clear that he’s checking in on him. He does so multiple times throughout that day and the next few.
It’s actually very sweet, and it’s also pretty damn validating. He’s got a damn good family here with his people, even before Anthony came back. The Dad joke of it all has alternately felt insulting and amusing throughout the years, but now he can feel the clear affection within the moniker and he finds actually? He loves it.
Besides. He is pretty ancient these days in the zeitgeist of youtube.
It’s embarrassing, yes, but not enough to change anything. In fact, he embraces it. He’s still going to show how happy he is. He’s still gonna be a silly little jackass, a goofy goober. He’s still going to just continue to show his whole-ass heart out there because maybe it’s embarrassing but it’s also just the truth. It turns out, pretty rewarding, too.
+
Everything settles eventually. Everyone gets to know the New (Old) Ian and everyone accepts him, embraces him. Encourages him. He’s really and truly living his best fucking life right now. It’s been a hell of a year, a rocket ship of emotions both good and bad, public and private, and he’s come out wholer and more healed than he’s felt in years.
Six to be precise. Longer probably, because conscious of it or not, he and Anthony’s friendship had clearly been suffering long before he’d left. Certainly longer than Ian had been willing to admit it.
The Ianthony thing had been expected. The Ianthony thing had always been, and Ian suspected it would always be. The Ianthony thing is part and parcel of Anthony and Ian’s relationship, and the thing is… the thing is, he’s way more comfortable with it now than he ever was.
Which makes him uncomfortable in different ways.
He’s still always one of the first in the office. Get you an office full of creatives and you’ll notice that “on time” usually means rolling up hours later than you’re supposed to. Tommy’s there most days though, if not before Ian then shortly after, and Ian’s always loved their quiet companionship before the hustle and bustle of the days begin.
About seven months in, Tommy follows him into his office, sits in the chair opposite Ian, and looks supremely uncomfortable.
Ian frowns. Formality has never been part of he and Tommy’s rapport. “What’s up?”
“It’s none of my business,” Tommy says, avoiding Ian’s eyes. “It’s totally fine if you don’t want to talk about it, and it’s totally fine if you tell me to butt the fuck out.”
Ian feels trepidation at Tommy’s flat mouth and clear nervous energy and sinks into the chair behind his desk taking a deep breath. “Just say whatever it is.”
“Sorry,” Tommy says, giggling. “It’s not a big deal, and it’s totally not even my place to–”
Ian rolls his eyes. “Tommy.”
“You know you’re in love with him, right?” Tommy finally meets Ian’s eyes after he spits it out, blinking a few times. “You don’t owe me… I’m not, I just mean, you don’t need to tell me, I’m just–”
Ian fights to catch his breath, because everyone and their mother jokes about Ian and Anthony being in love but no one’s seriously actually just put it out as a legitimate question like that before. “Uh. Uh, Anthony?”
“I’m only bringing it up because, ya know. I know this has always been the joke, and I never thought it was actually, like, real, until I saw it with my own two eyes,” Tommy says, holding up his hands. “I just wanted to say if you… if you need to talk it out. If you, ya know.” He clears his throat. “Or you can just tell me to fuck off.”
Ian exhales what was supposed to be a laugh. “I’m not gonna tell you to fuck off.”
Tommy nods, looking down. “I just wanted to tell you, if you need.”
Ian doesn’t know what to say. Feels rooted to the spot, and way too fucking exposed. He watches Tommy’s face change and then watches him nod and stand up. He lets him get all the way to the door as his fingers tighten on the hand rails of his chair.
“Yes,” he blurts out finally, just before Tommy turns the knob to open the door. “I’m. I am.” He clears his throat, doesn’t quite know how to meet Tommy’s eyes but can’t rip his eyes away once they do meet. “I’m aware.”
It’s the first time he’s said it outloud. Hell, it’s the first time he’s acknowledged it that explicitly even to himself. It’s fucking terrifying, like jumping off a cliff. But he’s been jumping off cliffs for years. Just ask Shayne.
“I don’t.” He clears his throat again and watches Tommy walk back over to the chair he’d departed. “I don’t know how I feel about it, but I’m aware.”
Tommy nods, slowly lowering himself back to the chair. “Valid,” he says.
“It’s probably.” Ian covers his mouth as he burps. And goddamn Shayne and Anthony and Courtney for pointing out that that’s his number one tell for nerves. “Probably. Always? But. I think I always just… buried it.”
Tommy nods again. “Sure. Understandable.”
“Is it?” Ian laughs. The laugh is a little unhinged. Tommy’s eyebrows raise. “I mean, it’s obvious to goddamn everyone, how did I delude myself into–”
“The same way you got us through the Defy collapse and the Mythical acquisition and the pandemic. You put your head down and kept going.”
Ian meets his eyes a little steadier. Damn, these people see him. “Little embarrassing it took him coming back for me to be willing to see it.”
Tommy chews on his lip a moment and then takes a deep breath. “I’m gonna go ahead and say give yourself a break, Ian. I’m pretty sure you’ve always self-identified as pretty straight, right?”
Ian rolls his head a bit. “Uh honestly. Yeah til a few years ago. There’s so many… categories now.” He clears his throat. “I don’t know… Straight leaning with semi-gay… uh. Tendancies?”
Tommy lets out his big laugh then, the one you can hear clear across the studio, and it’s then that Ian feels he can actually relax. His shoulders untense and his heartrate slows down a bit. “Not really an official category, but who the hell fits in to any official category anyway right?”
“I haven’t.” He closes his eyes. “Okay, like, I haven’t. Delved. Ya know. Into.”
“Oh I know,” Tommy says, giggling and holding up a hand. “Once you go, you go hard. If you’d delved, it woulda come out.”
Ian laughs, looking down. “Okay yeah, probably you’re right on that.”
Tommy grins. “I’m very honored by the way. Have you told anyone else?”
Ian shakes his head. “Uh no. Not even myself really. Just now. When you asked.”
“Do you know if he–”
Ian’s throat shuts for a moment and he holds up a hand, blood pressure skyrocketing. “No, no, God no.”
“No, he doesn’t, or–”
“I just got him back, Tommy, I’m not fucking that up by throwing my bullshit feelings in there,” Ian says, shaking his head.
Tommy gives him a look. “They’re not bullshit feelings. And I’m not saying you need to tell him, but… please don’t label them as bullshit to yourself.”
“Okay,” Ian says, reacing up to scrub at his face. “Okay, I’m sorry, that was. I don’t mean to call gay feelings bullshit–”
“Oh my God, did I not think that, Ian,” Tommy says, waving a hand. “I’m talking about for your own self. They’re real. Maybe inconvenient, and upsetting. Confusing. But not bullshit.”
Ian meets his eyes. “Yeah. Kind of all of that. All at once.”
People have started to file in. Ian knows this because he can hear Shayne being loud and Damien’s giggle. Tommy looks back at the door and they watch a few people mill by on their way to wherever. Angela waves enthusiastically through the window to say hello.
“Just, whatever you want, Ian,” Tommy says, planting his hands on his knees, about to stand up. “If you wanna talk it through, you can call, text. We can go get drinks.” Standing he holds his hands up. “Or not at all, again, I don’t need to be the one you talk to, I just. If you want.”
Ian reaches across the desk and grabs Tommy’s hand, holding it tightly in his own. “Thanks man. I appreciate it.”
“No problem.”
+
It turns out, acknowledging the elephant in the room only served to make Ian realize how not only was he in love with Anthony, but he was so beyond in love with him that it’s actually painful.
As much as he truly appreciates Tommy, it’s not Tommy he feels he can actually confide in.
They’re four beers deep when Shayne leans in and looks Ian dead in the eye. “You gonna tell me what’s going on with you?”
Ian sighs, slumping in his chair. “That obvious?”
“Yeah man, to me.”
Ian nods, looks down into his beer, and decides the best way to do this is to rip the fucking bandaid off. “So, that first day. When you were worried about Anthony coming back.”
“Yeah?”
““How much of your worry,” Ian says, feeling the cringe rise in himself from deep down in his soul, “was about me being in love with Anthony?”
Shayne’s beer sloshes dangerously close to spilling as he nearly drops it on the table top. “Holy shit, Ian.”
Looking up he finds it less hard to meet Shayne’s eyes than he thought it would be, and smirks. “Come on, you knew.”
Shayne blinks at him. “I. I mean yeah but you’ve literally never even vaguely came close to.” Shayne cuts himself off, shaking his head and laughing a bit. “Honestly I wasn’t sure you knew.”
“I guess a part of me always knew, but… Not actively.” Ian traces the label of the beer bottle slowly before looking back up at him. “Say something please.”
Shayne reaches over and grasps Ian’s hand. Ian only just manages to not pull his hand back from the contact, feeling exposed and supremely uncomfortable. “Are you okay?”
Ian lets out a huff of air. “Not really?”
Shayne’s eyes are filled with worry and sympathy and Ian feels really very stupid for being so full of nerves to admit this to him. It’s Shayne.
“Yeah, it was about that,” Shayne says quietly, leaning forward. “I just, you’ve been through a lot with him already, and you’ve been so happy that–” Shayne pauses, taking a deep breath. “It’s not a healthy coping process of mine, but sometimes when shits going really, really good, I can’t help but wait for the bad thing around the corner.”
Ian laughs then. “Yeah, tell me about it.”
Shayne withdraws his hand and wraps it around his beer bottle. “So I’m assuming there’s no way you’ve told him.”
“Hell no,” Ian says, covering his face. “God no. I just. It’s just something I need to work through.”
Shayne grins, rolling his eyes. “Work through. Ian. You can’t work through being in love with someone. It just is. Especially after how many years it’s been.”
“You can,” Ian says, nodding. “You absolutely can work through how you react to it.”
Shayne looks at him. “You know you have to tell him, right?”
Ian snorts. “The fuck I do.”
Shayne shakes his head. “Don’t do this like this, Ian. Not this way. You’re asking for disaster.”
“What way,” Ian asks, frowning.
“The hermit-crab way. You pull into yourself, shut down, build that wall, block everybody out, close your borders.” Shayne shakes his head. “Do you know how fucking frustrating it was to try and break through that shit the first time? And I’m not your best friend. Who, by the way, left the first time partially if not fully because you wouldn’t open up.”
Ian feels guilt creep in. Not only for how he knows he’d been largely to blame for Anthony’s leaving the first time with his closed off ways, but for how much shit he’d put Shayne through that first year after. After already having bonded with him, after already being buddies, detaching after Anthony left. How Shayne never stopped trying to get him to come back out of his shell. How Shayne tirelessly and endlessly just kept persistently asking him out for beers, sharing of himself, offering nothing but friendship and good times for months until Ian found himself unable to not give in to it.
Ian buries his face in his hands. “I know.”
“He already knows something’s up,” Shayne says after a moment of silence. “You‘re doing a good job of hiding what it is, but he’s noticed you pulling away slightly. Less playful, less. Ya know.” Shayne laughs. “Flirty, honestly.”
Ian shakes his head. “I’ll get it together,” he says to the table, nodding decisively. “I’m just… Laugh at me as much as you want but I only just got this recently. I know you’ve been knowing for years but I’m…” He laughs, covering his eyes with his hands. “An idiot.”
“Listen,” Shayne says, and Ian feels Shayne’s hand wrap around his wrist to pull his hand from his eyes. “Whatever you wanna do, I’ll support. If that means sucking it up and moving past, then, okay. But I don’t think you’re giving him enough credit.”
Ian looks at Shayne. “Giving him enough credit?”
Shayne nods. “You’re afraid of whatever strain this would put on your relationship with him,” he says, raising his eyebrows questioningly. “Okay, so let’s worst case scenario it. He doesn’t feel the same way.” Shayne leans in. “You really think he’d judge you for it? Drop you? Walk out again because of this?”
Ian squeezes his eyes shut. “No. No, he wouldn’t.”
“So worst case scenario, he doesn’t love you back, you suck it up, you repackage it into something you can live with, it is what it is, and you move on,” Shayne asks. When Ian looks at him he shrugs. “Which is what you’re doing now, except for the part where he doesn’t know what’s going on with you and can’t be there for you.”
Ian nods, more to himself than anything. “And the part where we made a pact to always be honest with each other and I’m breaking it already, seven months in.”
Shayne’s hand tightens on Ian. “Or you choose the other way. Where it’s really fucking hard and painful and scary as fuck, and you tell him, and maybe he doesn’t feel the same, but. But maybe, he does feel the same.”
Ian’s breath leaves his chest, his heart skipping over itself. “Jesus, don’t even pretend like that’s a thing that could happen.” He laughs, humorlessly. “I’m getting that you’re right and I should probably tell him, just so he knows what’s going on with me, but to even leave the possibility–”
“You’re actually that stupid, aren’t you,” Shayne says, sounding exasperated. “Jesus Ian, do you really think it’s one sided? You must not be paying attention.”
Ians eyes dart up to his. “Huh?”
“Listen I’m not gonna pretend like I know the man that well, but I know when the two of you are in the same room in the same zone, you can cut the tension with a knife.” Shayne holds his hands up in surrender. “I’m just saying it’s palpable, and I don’t know how that’s possible if it’s just on your end.”
Ian doesn’t believe him. Can’t believe him. Is terrified of believing him, because if he does it’ll only hurt that much worse when he’s wrong.
He instead shrugs and gestures for another round of beers.
+
Anthony invites himself over to make soup with Ian a few days later and Ian’s a terrible host because the whole time he’s cooking and Anthony’s chopping, Ian’s hearing Shayne’s words repeating in his head.
“What’s going on with you, Ian,” Anthony asks after dinner. He’s turned towards Ian on the couch, head propped on top of his hand on the back of the couch. He doesn’t sound accusatory or confrontational, just like he’s offering if Ian’s willing.
Ian settles back in the couch, turning to face Anthony, and takes a deep breath. “What are we?”
Anthony’s eyebrows draw together in confusion. “What are you asking?”
Ian feels faint smile playing on his lips before he looks away again, reaching up to scrub at his eyes. “The way they talk about us. Everyone. Not just our friends, or coworkers, not even just the fans.”
Anthony shakes his head. “Still not sure what you’re asking.”
“When we talk about when you left and when you came back, no matter where we are or who we’re talking to, we sound like a relationship. We call it a break up, dude. Unironically.”
Anthony frowns. “Cuz it was, bro.”
Ian shakes his head before dropping his hands. “I know.”
“So what’s the–”
“Friendships don’t break up, Anthony, they end. They drift apart. They have a falling out.” Ian shakes his head. “And as much of a joke as it was, or they tried to make it be for my sake, everyone treated me like I was going through a breakup. That I got left. That I was in mourning, because I’d been dumped.” He swallows and throws his head back against the couch. “And I don’t mean, like– It wasn’t a wink, it wasn’t a joke. I mean like Shayne asking me every day for months to get beers to get me out of the house and having fun again. I mean Courtney checking in on me.”
“Do you just not like the term, or–”
“No,” Ian says, staring up at the ceiling. “No, it’s not that. It was completely a break up. I was in mourning.” Steeling himself, he forces himself to meet Anthony’s eyes. “That podcast with Pam, when Mari asks me which breakup was harder and everyone laughed.” Ian sits up straighter, shrugging. “It wasn’t a joke. And I deflected then and I deflected when you guys tried to get me to say if I’d ever answered, but I didn’t. I didn’t answer at the time, but the answer was you. You were the harder breakup.”
Anthony reaches down and puts a hand on Ian’s shoulder. “Our breakup was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through, Ian.”
“I’m not.” Ian sighs, burying his face in his hands. “Your funeral. That half time show fucking killed me, man.”
Anthony smiles, rubbing Ian’s shoulder. “Yeah, they killed it.”
“No,” Ian says, shaking his head. “Because they got it so right. I didn’t know Angela and Chanse could see through me like that,” he says. “They’ve only ever known me, Anthony. They didn’t know me before you left, or after you left. They’ve only known me once I’d already accepted we would never reconnect as friends again.”
“Okay,” Anthony says hesitatingly. “But we are now, bud. Me and you, owning Smosh, remember?”
“I’m saying they’ve only ever known me post-you. So for them to get what they got about our relationship from other people’s stories and old videos and doing research, for them to get it so fucking pin-point accurate, it’s because what they did get to see is me getting you back.”
Anthony doesn’t even get to open his mouth to reply.
“What are we,” Ian asks again, reaching up to take Anthony’s hand off his shoulder. Turning to face him more fully while still holding it in his own. “Because I always say friends, but that’s not.” He stops and takes a breath. “People talk about us like we’re together. We talk about us like we’re together.”
“Ian.”
“You want up front and honest? You want me to open up, talk, share my feelings? These are my feelings, Anthony. When you left that didn’t feel like a friendship ending, it felt like the love of my life walked away from me.”
Anthony’s face falls and Ian finds it hard to get a good gulp of air down his throat to finish what he started.
“I know,” Ian says, ducking his head and scrubbing a hand roughly over his face. “I know I know, that’s a shit insane thing to say, because that’s. That’s heavy shit. And we never even. We didn’t. We weren’t.”
“It’s not insane,” Anthony says, pulling on Ian’s hand. “Hey, look at me.”
“But it felt like that,” Ian says quietly, meeting his eyes. “I don’t think I’d ever consciously thought about kissing you or wanting to before you left, but that’s still how it felt.”
“Yeah,” Anthony says, nodding. “For me too, is what I’m saying.”
“I didn’t get it,” Ian says, shaking his head in wonder. “How did I not get it? Not until Tommy asked me did I realize what I feel for you is exactly what everyone’s told me it was.”
“I knew,” Anthony says quietly, taking a deep breath. “It just took the past six years for me to get a place where admitting that even to myself didn’t scare the shit out of me.”
Ian’s heart starts to slow, his body relaxing at hearing Anthony not only accept but validate his thoughts. He grins. “You think I could get a special price on whatever deal your therapist has so I could expedite those 6 years into 1 session?”
Anthony rolls his eyes, before laughing. “Ian.”
Ian looks at him. “You know I had to deflect with some humor there. I had to.”
Anthony laughs. “Here’s my question.”
Ian nods at him to go ahead.
“You said that you hadn’t ever conscious thought about kissing me before.
Ian swallows, his eyes dropping to Anthony’s lipe.
“Have you now?”
Ian takes a deep breath and jumps off the damn cliff. “It’s all I think about. It’s why I’ve been pulling away. Why I’ve been more careful with how I am around you. Fucking terrified I’d give it away.”
“First of all,” Anthony says, leaning in closer and grabbing Ian’s wrist. “You don’t get to do that. Hold yourself away from me. We promised, Ian. Honesty, telling each other no matter how hard, or difficult, or scary it was.”
Ian nods, looking away. “I’m telling you now.”
“Second of all, don’t change one single thing about yourself ever for or because of me,” Anthony stresses.
“If it matters at all, I wasn’t conscious I was doing that until it was pointed out to me,” Ian offers.
“Third of all,” Anthony says, grinning down at him. “If you’d just told me this sooner, I could’ve told you there was no reason to be scared.”
“The idea of ever telling you I was in love with you is every reason to be fucking terrified, Anthony,” Ian says, barely able to breathe as Anthony steadily meets his eyes.
Anthony reaches over and brushes a few strands of hair off Ian’s forehead. It’s something they’ve always done, since they were kids first starting a youtube channel together. Grooming each other, making sure the other one’s always good. Taking care of each other and trusting each other to take care back.
This time Ian’s eyes fall shut in wonder, at how such a simple gesture makes him feel a shiver through his entire body while also making him feel so calm.
How had he not put this together sooner?
“I don’t know what we are,” Anthony says finally, voice low, barely audible. “I don’t think we need a label. I just know I’m in love with you and I think I always have been.”
“Anthony,” Ian whispers, taking in a deep breath. “Kiss me.”
Anthony’s lips are warm and soft, dry on his own lips. He lifts his hand and grips the side of Anthony’s neck to hold him closer, opening his mouth beneath Anthony’s.
Any doubts he had completely disappear.
“So,” Anthony asks, pulling away just barely, meeting Ian’s eyes.
“Yeah,” Ian says, nodding his head. “I’m totally, idiotically, stupidly in love with you.”
Anthony grins, thumb rubbing over Ian’s cheek. “You okay with that?”
Ian grins back. “I’m okay if you’re okay.”
Anthony pulls back to look at him. “Go back a minute. Who pointed it out to you?” He arches an eyebrow. “Courtney or Shayne?”
Ian grins. “Tommy.”
“Ahhh,” Anthony hums.
“But then I told Shayne and he’s who told me I needed to tell you,” Ian says, rolling his eyes. “God damn his psychology degree.”
Anthony laughed. “Good to see him putting that to use, since it took him ten years.”
“Shut up already,” Ian says, leaning forward and grabbing Anthony’s face in his hands and smiling at him. “We can talk about our children later. Right now, Daddy wants to make out with you.”
Anthony smirked. “I knew you liked it when I called you Daddy.”
“I actually don’t, and I hate that I said that just now,” Ian says, letting go of Anthony’s face and planting his hands on the couch to heft himself up so he can walk away and hide in shame alone.
Anthony grabs his arm and pulls him back down before he’s even halfway on his feet. “Get over here.”
+
The next morning they walked into their building together and halfway through the hallways Ian felt Anthony’s hand reach over and wrap around his.
The last thing he was, was embarrassed.