Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Three sighed as they unfortunately had to stop cuddling with Eight. “I think I should get going now. I have to meet with Agent 1 soon.”

“Aw…” Eight wrapped her arms back around Three. “Five minutes?”

“I wish, but it’s bad for the captain to be late. I’ll be back in a few hours, then I’m all yours again.”

Eight sighed, but knew work had to be done. “Okay. See you then, love.”

She hugged Three and gave them a big kiss on the forehead. She pulled back, then giggled and gave another kiss.

Three giggled as well. “No, the infinite kiss trick only works once! I’ll see you later, Eight.”

Three and Callie met up at Octo Canyon, where most of their supplies in Inkopolis were still located. Three set up a makeshift desk—an empty crate and two folding chairs. Callie walked into the shack, already dreading the work ahead of her. She glanced at Three and made a face like she was holding back a laugh.

Three raised an eyebrow. “You look pretty happy about research and paperwork. Should I be worried?”

“Nope, I just… thought of something funny. Let’s get started.”

It didn’t take long for the “desk” to get covered with papers. Their laptops were no better, with at least a dozen windows, each having a dozen tabs open. Every so often, Callie would look up at Three and stifle a laugh. Three was suspicious, to say the least. But all of the agents knew better than to play pranks while doing paperwork (the threat of spending more time doing paperwork was very effective at keeping them in line.)

Callie stood up to stretch after being hunched over for way too long. “Ugh, I can’t stand this! You’re the captain, can’t you ban paperwork?”

Three stretched as well after seeing Callie. “Then how do we write that rule? Just a few more minutes, then let’s take some time off.”

Callie sighed dramatically and slumped back in her chair. Then she looked at Three again and got that same smirk on her face.

“Alright, really, what’s the deal?” Three asked

That only made her want to laugh more. “Nothing, nothing. Is it so wrong for me to be happy when I see my bestest buddy ever?”

They crossed their arms, which finally made Callie burst into laughter.

“What’s that super funny joke you’ve been thinking of this whole time?”

Callie caught her breath. “Whew… Not a joke, believe it or not. Just… tell Eight that I like her lipstick.”

It took a moment, but they finally realized what was so funny, and why Callie was focused on their forehead. They quickly got their phone out and opened the front camera. And there it was, right in the middle of their forehead: two giant kiss marks from a certain someone.

Three groaned and buried their face in their hands in an attempt to hide the kisses and their blushing. “Are you kidding!? That’s been there the whole time!?”

Callie patted their shoulder, still amused. “Don’t worry, I was only able to sneak one pic.”

3: no kisses tonight

8: Oh no, is there that much work?

3: no, i'll be home
3: but youre banned from kissing until this lipstick comes off my forehead

Chapter Text

Deep Sleep

Usually, Four and Marie go home after a long day in Octo Canyon, but they can’t today. What was supposed to be a light rain back in Inkopolis turned into a huge storm that they were unprepared for. Somehow, Octo Canyon was the safest place for the two inklings until the skies cleared up. It had already been a few hours, and they accepted that they’re going to have to stay there overnight. That had happened before, so they were more prepared than the first time.

Marie yawned. “Agent Four, I’m going to sleep now. You know where your sleeping bag is. Goodnight.”

No response. Marie turned to see Four asleep, leaning on a small wooden crate. Sleeping like that would definitely hurt their neck. Good thing they don’t have bones. Marie decided to get Four’s sleeping bag too, in case they wake up and want to get more comfortable. When she got back and laid the sleeping bag in front of Four, she saw their sleeping face. In their sleep, Four was shifted a little bit towards their squid form—their skin was a yellow-orange color, matching their ink. It’s a common thing to happen to younger inklings when they sleep, but some never grow out of it.

“Oh, that is adorable.”

Marie got her phone out and took a picture of Four sleeping. Then she realized one picture wasn’t enough to capture all that cuteness, and proceeded to take many, many more.

Mini Zapfish

Four rescued the ten mini zapfish and was on their way back to the outpost. Though they were closer to the residential part of the domes, it was still technically enemy territory, so Four stayed aware of their surroundings. Plus, it was always pretty dark down there, and the mini zapfish only gave off a faint glow at best.

As they were walking, a light caught their attention from not too far away. There were two young octolings sitting at a table, reading by candlelight. Something about the scene made Four stop and look at them for a while. It looked like they were studying, but the candle was getting dimmer and dimmer. Eventually, the two noticed the inkling watching them and stiffened up, unsure of how to react. Four gently waved to them, then got back to walking.

“Agent 4.”

Agent 2’s voice through the headset startled them.

“Yes?”

“Make sure you bring back all nine zapfish, okay?”

“Nine? But—” they realized what she meant. “Okay!”

Four waved again to get the two kid’s attention. They then placed one of the mini zapfish on the ground and gave a thumbs up before hurrying off.

Still a Teenager, Technically

“Alright, Agent 4, you have a clear path ahead of you. Just make a mad dash past the enemies!”

“Yes ma’am!”

“Whoa whoa whoa! Ma’am? Not a chance, Four. I’m only nineteen.”

“Yeah, and I’m only fourteen.”

“Five years is nothing. No one is allowed to ma’am me until I’m old and gray.”

“But your ink—”

“It’s white, not gray. This is my natural color, and I can change it whenever I please! Now go get the zapfish before I actually start getting wrinkles.”

Chapter Text

Marie took a sip of her tea and cleared her throat as the intro music played. She then put on her smooth podcasting voice and unmuted herself, starting a special episode of Marie After Midnight.

“Good morning and good night, welcome to Marie After Midnight. Whether it’s a late night or an early morning, come listen and relax. As I’m sure you already know, today is a special episode. That’s right, I’ll be reading the live chat, go ahead and say hello.”

She watched as the messages flooded in, flying across the screen faster than she could read. She tried to pick a few usernames to read out from the sea of heart emojis and greetings.

“Hello flowerclown, hello sprinkler_main, and hello cephaloChant.”

The chat only got faster once they realized she was reading out names. Hundreds of chatters threw in their bid to get Marie to say their name, live in front of thousands of other people. She knew she had a pretty big audience, but it gets put into perspective when it turns into a room full of people all trying to talk at the same time.

“Before we begin, remember to keep the chat friendly. Don’t let the moderators find out we’re up past our bedtimes,” she said with a wink. “With that in mind, we can start our midnight talk. Since we’re live with chat today, I’ll be taking suggestions on our first topic of the night.”

Again, the chat zoomed by. There was a decent amount of deleted messages, either automatically caught by the filter, or manually deleted by the moderators, though none were bad enough to send any chatters to bed for the night. Even the regular, non-offending messages weren’t giving particularly viable ideas.

Marie let out a small laugh. “Listen, chat, I love me too, but I’m afraid that wouldn’t be a very interesting topic to talk about. How about… aha! Advice hour sounds perfect. Let’s try to keep the questions shorter for this episode.”

The chat actually slowed down a bit while people typed their questions out. A moment later, they started to trickle in.

tillyyyy00: i wanna move out of my parent’s house but im not ready to live by myself

“A good question from Tilly. They say they want to move out but don’t want to live alone. Well, there’s no reason you need to live alone just because you’re moving out. Maybe you have some friends who are looking for roommates. I actually shared an apartment with Callie for a long time before getting my own place.”

kingfin: TELL US ROOMMATE STORIES
FUtuesday: CAN U INVITE CALLIE HERE
ZappysLeftWhisker: tell callie we said hi :D

“Tsk tsk, Callie fans on Marie’s podcast?” she teased. “Maybe I’ll tell one story about her before the episode is over; think of it as a bedtime story. Let’s get back to advice hour for now.”

She scanned the chat for any more good questions. With the chat going so fast, she didn’t have time to fully read each message. She spotted one that looked promising.

“Here’s a question from OboeZoe. ‘I have math class tomorrow. What’s the answer to 8x-10=22…’ Um, not the type of advice I meant but… The first step is to put x on… No, no, subtract…” She squinted at the problem. “Ahem! The first step is to finish your homework before it gets this late. Your brain works much better with enough sleep.”

420_gal: it’s 12
TR1D3NTS: its 22 it literally says it right there
showshae: LMAO ZOE??? FINISH UR HOMEWORK
rainfaker: -2

Looks like chat wasn’t much help either. Lucky for Marie, most of them were too busy with their (incorrect) math arguments to notice that she didn’t know the answer either. To be fair, she already graduated high school, which meant she didn’t have to waste precious time or brain power thinking about math.

“Alright chat, you wanted a fun story about Callie, right? Well, there was one time she set the microwave on fire when she forgot to put water in a cup of ramen.” She laughed softly to herself, feeling nostalgic for those days.

Many messages came in from chatters who had apparently done the same thing. It ranged from those who had done it as children, to those who had done it earlier that same day.

“Oh, looks like you all can relate. It seems my dear cousin isn’t alone here.” She then gasped and put on a fake exasperated voice. “Oops! Silly me! Did I say one time? I meant to say three!”

its_retro: THREE??????
flounderlows: we love a girlfail
professorcandy92: still better than my cooking >_<

Before she could transition to the next topic, Marie’s phone started ringing. As a professional podcaster, she always set her phone to do not disturb while live, but had exceptions set for certain people. One of whom was her cousin, who should know better than to interrupt.

“Excuse me for a moment, chat,” Marie muted herself to take the call. “Hel—”

“If you get to tell embarrassing stories, then I do too!” Callie yelled indignantly through the phone. “Put me on speaker, now! Lemme talk to them!”

“You had to wait until after I told the story?! I would’ve kept my mouth shut if I knew you’d do this.”

Callie giggled innocently. “Hm, blame the stream delay!”

Marie sighed, figuring it was probably best to go along. Otherwise, Callie would surely find a worse time to bring up an embarrassing story.

“Chat, it seems like we have a surprise guest joining us. Can we get a good morning and goodnight for Callie Cuttlefish!”

Instantly, the chat flooded with cheers and warm welcomes.

“Hello, everyone!” Callie said as she read all of the adoring messages. “Now then, Marie thinks she can be sneaky by telling stories when she thinks I’m sleeping.”

“Chat asked me for it, I was just going along with it.”

baaagel12: NO ITS UR FAULT
on_thehook: wooow way to throw us under the bus

“Anyways, it's story time!” Callie declared, “there was one time Marie got tired of her style, and she bought like, ten whole outfits.”

Marie groaned and covered her face. Only the first few words were needed to plunge her into the depths of self-cringe.

Callie continued. “It was super expensive, by the way. She had to pick up tons of overtime shifts cause I was not paying her half of the rent!”

“What, would it cut into the microwave budget?”

“Quiet, you! This is your embarrassing story! So, after spending all that money, she put on one of the outfits—took her like, forty minutes, by the way—and finally,” she giggled, “she was too embarrassed to wear it out in public!”

Marie pouted and blushed more than she ever had, vividly remembering the feeling from that day. Suddenly, she felt very glad that the podcast was audio only.

“Marie, Marie, do you wanna tell the lovely people what style it was?”

She cleared her throat and muttered a non-answer. “I… don’t recall…”

“Well I do! Picture this, chat: the one and only Marie Cuttlefish during her very short-lived goth phase!”

the_glouger: wait a minute
Gho5t1ng: HEAR ME OUT…
mosaiclive: yes I think I will picture that
banmahimahi: proof?? pics?? pics pls
STREAM_WAVE_PRISM: i'd literally sell my house to see that

“See, Mar? Chat thinks it would look good.”

Marie peeked through her fingers, still covering her face from sheer embarrassment. Callie was right, they seemed to really love the idea of a goth Marie. There were three types of messages from chatters. One, people saying how much they would love to see Marie in a goth outfit. Two, deleted messages from chatters who forgot about the filter. And three, sentences that no moderator could have possibly predicted for the filter list.

“If only I could’ve seen these messages back then,” Marie sighed. “Unfortunately, I think goth just isn’t my thing.”

“Chat, if we reach the monthly donation goal, Marie will wear—”

“I WILL NOT!”

Chapter Text

Lost in Translation

Eight has been doing well in turf war, soon enough she’ll be ready for ranked. Three and Four were getting her ready by watching some recorded games to show what to do and what to avoid. In the current match they were watching, one player was struggling to get a Baller up a wall, where the opponent was waiting with a Power Clam. The Baller expired before getting up the wall, leaving the opponent unscathed and unexploded. To make things worse, the player got splatted immediately after, followed by the clam getting thrown perfectly into the basket.

“Oh, that was bullshit,” Eight said, nonchalantly

Four snorted, holding back the rest of a laugh. Three and Four exchanged a look. Neither of them had heard Eight curse before, and they were surprised and disappointed that it would just come out so casually. Eight eventually noticed the silence.

“What is it?” she asked

“Just… surprised you said that,” Three said

Eight nodded. “I am still learning new words.”

Three tried to approach it carefully. “Yeah, that’s good, but… you know, there’s certain words that some people don’t like. Just be careful saying them.”

“Yes, I learned that too, and it is the same in Octarian. But it is fine, they are just haters.”

Four couldn’t hold it any longer, and burst out laughing. Three couldn’t help but find it a little funny, too. Eight finally caught on that something might be off about her vocabulary lessons.

“Y’know what?” Four said, “I’m with Eight on this one!”

“Eight, did you happen to learn all that from Pearl?” Three asked

“Yes… Was she wrong?”

Three had to pick between being a good role model and being true to themself. “She was right.”

Pining

Eight clearly had something important bothering her. She spent several minutes typing and deleting something on her phone while muttering to herself. Four had enough.

“Eight, what’s up?” Four asked. “You’ve been freaking out for a while.”

“I have? Um, well… You are close to Three, right?”

“Um, I guess. Probably not as much as you, honestly. Why?”

“I wanted to know how to ask them something. I want to be closer with them, but I do not know how to say it.” Eight looked straight at Four, hoping she wouldn’t have to spell it out any more than that

“What, like—I thought you two were already dating,” Four said bluntly. “Like, for a few months. Were you not?”

Eight groaned and put her head in her hands. She had a difficult battle ahead of her.

Three seemed to have something bothering them as well. They were acting spacey and weird… more than they usually did. They were hanging out with Callie, who waited more than long enough to say something.

“Okay, Three, you gotta tell me what you’re thinking about. It’s gotta be super interesting, right?”

“Huh? I’m not…” they didn’t bother trying to hide it. “Do you know Marina? From Off the Hook?”

“Pfft, yeah, of course!” Callie grinned. “Didn’t you meet her during that… whole thing?”

“Yes, but we didn’t talk much. Anyways, can I ask you a favor?”

“Sure thing,” Callie was expecting Three to just ask for concert tickets or something similar

Three paused for a second. “Can you ask her what Eight likes?”

“Huh? Why not just ask Eight yourself? Why ask me to ask Marina to ask Eight?”

Three didn’t answer, they just looked away, opening and closing their mouth, but unable to get the words out. In that moment, Callie understood, and decided to be sympathetic. Right after having a bit of fun, of course.

“You know what, I’ll just call Eight right now and tell her you asked.”

Callie pulled out her phone, and Three immediately grabbed it and shook their head. That death glare almost would’ve been intimidating if Three wasn’t blushing so hard.

Poetry

Four returned to their apartment after a shift at Grizzco. Eight was sitting at the table with an Inklish dictionary, stuffed with several bookmarks as the octoling wrote in a notebook.

“Hey, Eight, I’m back,” Four greeted. “Studying?”

“No, writing. Welcome back.”

“Oh, whatcha writing?”

“Poetry. I wrote for a long time, so most is in Octarian. I can read the new ones?”

“Whoa, that’s so cool, I didn’t know you wrote! Lemme hear it!”

Eight cleared her throat.

“Stationed at the docks by the sea
The bear must hold these eggs of gold
The ocean fights the employee.”

“Hey, that’s about Grizzco, right? It sounds really good!”

She smiled. “It is. I had the idea when you left. I am glad it sounds nice!”

“Can I hear another?”

Eight nodded and flipped back a few pages before finding a good one to read.

“I’ve spent this week feeling so stressed
This lovely pink is not my ink
It’s interrupting my art test.”

“Oh? You take art classes too?”

Eight shook her head. “No. Remember when we were playing turf at Inkblot Art Academy, when… somebody… broke a window accidentally? And a painting on the other side was ruined.”

“Hmm, I sure do remember somebody doing that,” Four teased. “If it makes you feel any better, the ones on display were already graded. I’m sure they know the risks before putting them out.”

Chapter Text

Time-out

Captain stood in front of Neo, arms crossed. Neo stood there, bashfully looking down with his hands hands folded behind his back. Callie and Marie stood behind Neo. He had just gotten out of a kettle, after getting about halfway through. He didn’t get splatted too many times, nor was there any danger. Captain took him out for an even bigger reason.

“Neo,” they said, “which one of you is allowed to bite the enemy?”

He pointed to Smallfry, who was standing next to him

“And which one of you is not allowed to bite the enemy?”

He hesitated, but pointed to himself.

“Correct. Now, who is in time-out for ten minutes before he can try again the proper way?”

With a sigh, Neo pointed to himself a second time.

Callie and Marie didn’t realize it must be intimidating to Neo for them to stand right behind him, but they had their reasons. Marie couldn’t let Neo see her laughing, and Callie had to shoot glares at the Captain for scolding her precious agent.

Identical Twin Cousins

Callie and Marie had a sneaking suspicion that Neo can’t actually tell them apart. The first few times he mixed up their names, they figured it was because they had just met and he was used to calling them Agent 1 and Agent 2. He only realized that he was getting it wrong after he told a funny story about Marie to the inkling herself. He did have a system for determining which inkling was which. In theory, the system was entirely true, while being very simple. But in practice, the system was “Callie’s ink is the same color as her clothes,” which doesn’t exactly narrow it down. He stuck with his other methods of figuring it out (which still gave him the wrong answer half the time.)

When he’s out exploring the sites of Alterna, he knows that the one who follows him around is Callie (it only took several days of trial and error, trying to get Callie to confirm that she is, in fact, Callie… and then forgetting by the next day.) When the two are together at the camp, he just avoids referring to either one by name. It’s easier for him to tell them apart through their voices when he’s in a mission, but telling them apart is only half the battle—he still has to put a name to the voice. Whenever they see him take a long pause in the middle of action, they know exactly what he’s thinking about.

Captain pretends to be sympathetic, but Callie and Marie can see right through them. Countless times, Captain will tell Neo, “bring this to Marie,” or “get that from Callie,” then watch as Neo focuses harder than he ever has before. There was just enough plausible deniability to protect them from Callie’s and Marie’s glares. Their smirk may be small, but it’s not invisible.

That Inkantation

Neo just finished a shift at Grizzco. In fact, his first shift since defeating Mr. Grizz in space. He, along with his coworkers, just landed back in Splatsville and were heading back to get their payment.

“Ugh, why does he give us the junior…” an inkling complained to the others. “Does he want us to win or not?”

“I know right!” an octoling agreed. “It doesn’t even have the big ink tank you get in turf.”

“Coulda used that Inkantation,” a second inkling said, referencing a meme

“That Inkantation could make those weapons useful,” the first inkling joined in

“That Inkantation could make the Goldie seek you,” Neo added

“That Inkantation could teach them how to cook with those pans,” the octoling said

“That Inkantation could…” the second inkling thought of a new joke. “Could make a smallfry beat Mr. Grizz.”

The octoling and other inkling laughed. Neo stared at the inkling, wide-eyed, before laughing with the group, to not be suspicious. He was reminded of when Callie said that the hardest part about being an agent is not being able to talk about anything that happens.

“I prefer the term ‘fun-sized’”

Callie was looking at the Captain. Glaring, almost. Captain wasn’t even doing anything, just sitting there.

“Hmph. Four and Neo are my favorites, you know,” Callie said out of nowhere

“Um…” Captain turned to her. “Is this about me eating your burger?”

“No,” Callie sighed dramatically. “I’m thinking of the days when the other agents weren’t taller than me.”

“Weren’t all of them around my age when they joined? It makes sense that they got taller over time,” Neo said. “Plus, you aren’t really that tall in the first place.”

Captain snorted and held back a laugh, making Neo realize how that sounded more insulting than comforting.

Neo quickly tried to backtrack. “Uh, well, not all of us are taller! Agent Four is older than me and is still shorter than you!”

Defeated, Callie sat down. “If you get any taller, you’re fired.”

Chapter Text

“Your new agent gear is ready, you should try it on before the next mission. Actually, come to think of it, I’ve never visited your apartment. How about I come over to drop it off, and see what your place is like while I’m there?”

If Marie had any amount of luck, Four would instantly refuse the offer, ban Marie from the entire apartment complex, and neither of them would ever speak of it again. But if she didn’t have any luck, Four would do something evil and inconsiderate, like agree with her.

“Sure.”

Marie went up to Four’s apartment, fittingly on the fourth floor. They left the door unlocked for her, apparently they were busy with some project. She expected some degree of messiness—it was Four’s first time living alone, meaning no parents to tell them when to clean up. 

“Four, I’m here!” she called out

“Kay. I’m in my room.”

To Four’s credit, the apartment was sanitary; no bugs crawling around, no moldy leftovers, no weird smells. But that would be the only point Four can earn. The lights in the living room were off. Probably for the better. Unaware of what laid ahead of her, she turned the lights on.

There was a couch and a TV, in a perfectly normal setup. There was also a coffee table and TV stand, in a not so normal setup. Neither of them were assembled, or even taken out of the box. The coffee table looked usable, if not a bit uneven. It had a coaster sitting on top; one good decision against the tidal wave of nonsense. The TV stand was awful. It was only half as tall as an assembled stand, making for an uncomfortable angle. Marie sat on the couch to see how bad it could really be. She gained a new appreciation for TVs at a normal height—it’s the little tall things in life.

She moved past the living room, hoping to forget it, and went to Four’s bedroom. The lights were also off in there. Sunlight peeking through the closed blinds was competing with the computer monitor for being the only source of light. Both were losing.

“Hey, Marie,” Four greeted, barely looking away from the screen. “You got the gear?”

For a moment, she forgot why she even came over. “Oh, yeah, where should I put it?”

“Just with the clean laundry.”

Marie turned her attention to the two piles of laundry. One of them was a pile of random, unfolded clothes sitting on a chair. The other was a pile of random, unfolded clothes sitting on a different chair.

“Uh, which one would be the clean laundry?”

“The chair without wheels.”

“Right, of course. How could I have not known.”

She opened her mouth to ask why Four doesn’t put their clothes away, but she stopped herself. Firstly, because she isn’t Four’s mother, and secondly, because Four apparently doesn’t have a dresser. There was another cardboard box with the unassembled furniture. The coffee table worked well enough, the TV stand was technically functional, but there was no reason to leave the dresser like that. Four’s saving grace was the closet being full with coats and jackets, all properly hung up.

Marie turned her attention to Four’s computer. They weren’t working on a project like she thought, they were playing some video game. The screen was littered with random icons, menus, and chats, leaving maybe half of the screen for the game itself. They had a second monitor, which had a stream of somebody playing a different video game.

“So, is this that project you told me about?” Marie teased, watching them play

“Yeah. Still got a few hours to ago.”

“Wait, what? It really is? What exactly are you doing…?”

“Getting this character to level 100. I’m on world record pace.”

“Whoa, so that’s the highest anyone has gotten?”

“Er, no. Well, yeah, but…” they focused on the game for a second before explaining. “A hundred is the max. I’m about to get her from 1 to 100 faster than anyone has done for any character. If I don’t do it this time, I gotta wait eight months for my next shot.”

“Eight months? You can’t just try again?”

“Nope, all my other characters are maxed already. And the stars are aligned today: weekend XP boost, plus start of season boost, plus the new character boost. Not happening again for eight months.”

“All that and it still takes hours?”

“Yeah, it’s kinda designed for casuals who don’t pull every new character.”

They continued playing, slowly chipping away at the remaining XP. For Four, it was a mindless grind, something they had done a dozen times before. Their attention was split between the stream and their own game. For Marie, it was a confusing and disorienting experience moving at breakneck speed. It was a nonstop loop of hearing the mouse and keyboard being hit rapidly, followed by seeing a flashy animation on screen. She looked away before getting completely lost.

“Mind if I look around the rest of your place?” she asked

“Go ahead. Sorry I can’t give a proper tour, but, y’know… eight months and all that.”

Marie left Four to do their thing, whatever their thing was. The moment she stepped out of the bedroom, the realization hit her.

“Did I just choose to look around here more, after all I’ve been through…?”

Regardless, she trudged forward to the kitchen. One side of the counter was normal, with a microwave, coffee maker, and a toaster sitting neatly. The other side was kept empty, save for a pack of paper plates and plastic cups. The fridge was where things got odd. On top of it was a knife block, laying on its side. Definitely an inconvenient and dangerous way to store knives. If there were actually knives in it. Four decided that it was better to keep all of the knives sprawled on top of the electric stove instead, with only one eye available for cooking.

Marie picked up a few of the knives, as if to confirm that they were really left there like that. She let the rest of Four’s weirdness slip by, but she has her limits. She went back to Four’s room to ask what kind of clown house they’ve been living in.

“Four…” she already sounded exasperated. “Why are all of your knives laying on the stove like that?”

“Cause it’s easier like that,” they said. “I don’t gotta guess which one is the right size if I can just see it.”

“But… just on the stove?”

They shrugged. Marie sighed heavily.

“Okay. What about the TV stand?”

“I was way too tired to set it up after dragging the box in here. It’s more comfy if you lay down, anyways.”

“And this?” Marie pointed at the boxed-up dresser

Four looked away from their game for a second. “That one is, uh… it’s just a huge pain to assemble!”

She laughed at the lack of an excuse. “Alright, I’ll give you that one. Anyways, I’ll get going before I find out anything else about this place.”

“I’ll teach you the secrets of efficiency some day.”

“Not a chance, Four. And just so you know, I’ll definitely be telling Callie about what I’ve seen.”

“Hm… Be my guest! I’d definitely have an easier time teaching her.”

“Ugh. I hate that you’re right.”

Chapter Text

Traversing the kettles and fighting enemy troops is the easy part of the job. Even when Four goes home with bruises and sore muscles, she can at least be happy knowing she’s closer to finding the Great Zapfish.

The real challenge is writing mission reports. Typically, Marie is nice enough to spare the rookie from the mountain of tedious work, but Four just had to rock the boat with an “all you do is sit there on your laptop while I’m out there working!”

Marie gave Four a day off of diving into the kettles, as long as she helped with the most recent reports. The beginning went smooth enough, though Four very quickly realized that there’s a difference between relaxing and boring—not that it mattered, she was well in the area of agonizing.

After her 72nd consecutive N/A, Four reached the last box on the form. “Huh? Is that it? I’m done!? That was like, an hour and half! You always take all day, slacker!”

Marie moved her chair next to Four to review the review. “Mhm… Mhm… Yeah, you’re done, you did pretty good.”

“You—”

“You’re done the weapons section.”

“Still—”

“For that weapon.”

Four deflated. “I mean…”

“In that kettle.”

She didn’t bother opening her mouth again.

“You did one other kettle that day, right? This form and the next are for Sheldon. Then, you have the form that Cap’n needs from us.” Marie took the laptop and open a similar looking form, that was at least twice as long

Four stared at the screen in disbelief, then squinted at Marie. “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”

She didn’t bother covering her smirk. “I have no idea what you mean, Four.”

A few more hours into the endless questionnaire of things that barely even mattered, Marie started keeping score.
Apologies: 27
Genuine apologies: 4
Cursing out Marie: 8
Cursing out herself: 10
Escape attempts: 3
Bribery attempts: 2
Score sheets torn up after realizing what Marie is doing: 1

Eventually, Four accepted that the only way to end the torture was to finish the report. She let herself get lost in the monotony. “The sooner you’re done, the sooner you can go,” she repeated, many, many times. By the time she finally got to the end, she didn’t even have it in her to celebrate. She absentmindedly clicked around for a few seconds before realizing there was no next section.

“Oh…” her voice was exhausted. “Done…”

Marie’s eyes popped open from her half sleep. “You’re done?”

Four nodded.

Marie double checked everything before getting her hopes up. Even just skimming each section took a few minutes. Four struggled to keep her eyes open, but she could see endless questions even while they were closed.

Marie let out a sigh of relief. “Thank cod, you’re done. Good work, go home.”

Four’s brain was fried, and went to the usual routine when she’d rather be anywhere else. “Thanks… Would you like a rewards card?”

“Huh?” Marie was barely awake enough herself to catch the mistake. “Yes, please.”

“Okay… Thank you for shopping with us, have a great day…” she waved and slowly went her way home

Marie silently chuckled. “Four! Wake up, you’re sleepwalking!”

“Wha—” She woke up. “Ugh… Habit, sorry.”

“Well? Do I get my rewards card?”

Four rolled her eyes. “You’d be the first one. No one ever wants one of those things! Don’t know why my manager makes us say that every single time! At least you know half of what I just did was useless.”

“Ooh, tell me more about how you like me more than your other boss.”

“You’re on thin ice.”

Chapter Text

A younger Callie and Marie sat in bed, chatting during a sleepover. It was long past their bedtime, but talking about celebrity crushes is a sacred and timeless activity that couldn’t be restricted by something as trivial as having school in four hours.

“Okay, okay, what about…” Callie thought about her next choice. “MiyaMiya from UnWavering?”

“She’s really pretty, yeah! She’s always the best dancer in every video, always.”

“WHAT?! Uh, what about MariMari? He’s EASILY the top dancer! What, is it cause his name is too close to yours?”

Marie shrugged. “He’s… okay, I guess. I never pay much attention to him.”

“Psh, whatever, Mar. Who’s your next pick?”

“Hm… Drought from End of all Tides! I showed you a pic of her, right? She’s the pretty crab lady.”

“Uh, you kinda did. All of them are covered in face paint and have those costumes, I can barely even tell them apart. They look pretty cool sometimes, if that counts.”

“No! First of all, only Drought has face paint, the rest of them are masks. Second, you can still see her face if you look closely. And third, it’s also everything else about her that makes her so attractive.”

“Wow, okay. Didn’t realize is meant that much to you. You know what, I’ll let you have her to yourself, deal?” Callie paused, suddenly finding a very obvious pattern with all of Marie’s picks. “How about you go again? I kinda stole a turn with MariMari.”

“Sure, my next one is easy: Mint.”

“Yeah, duh, she’s cute. What about Pepper?”

“What about him?”

“Do you think he’s cute too?”

Again, Marie shrugged. “Sure? Nowhere near as cute as Mint.”

Callie laughed. “Really? Her twin brother is nowhere near as cute?”

“It’s not like they’re identical twins! They haven’t even done the matching outfits thing in at least a year!”

“You’re right, you’re right!” She laughed again, then put on her serious face. “Alright, Mar, think back to all of your picks. You notice anything about them? Like, something similar about them?”

“Um, what? Yeah, I notice how I wanna marry them or whatever? Isn’t that the point?”

Callie inhaled. “Okay, Marie, you know you’re my favoritest cousin ever and you can tell me anything, right?”

“W—What are you talking about?”

“Marie, are you gay?”

Marie tried to stammer out a response several times. “What— Is that— I’m— Okay, that’s not like, a strict yes or no question. There are levels to it, or something.”

“Hm, I guess so. Where would you put yourself, then?”

She thought hard about it. “On a scale of one to ten? Say a one is like, ‘I would only ever marry a woman if she was my ultimate soulmate’ and a ten is like ‘I only think about women all day every day.’ I’m barely gay. Six or seven at most”

Callie squinted, staring a hole through Marie. “Marie.”

“Wh—What? You can’t tell me I’m wrong about myself!”

“Okay. I’m gonna move past the fact that you think a seven out of ten isn’t gay. Why is your idea of the least gay thing possible marrying a woman who is your ‘ultimate soulmate?’”

She didn’t have an answer for that. How could she? Any answer would require her to either pretend she didn’t love women, or admit that Callie was right, both of which were near impossible for Marie.