Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Recently upon a time, in a serene, scenic setting, a car drove up to a house that was just purchased. The driver was a schoolteacher. And after the demanding days with two dozen, elementary students, the thirty-something woman decided to leave her cramped apartment for the quaint, ranch home for space and tranquility.

Standing along the house's property and elated about her arrival, was a real estate agent, ready to hand his client the keys to her new home.

"Here's your new dream house, Ms. Jade! It's already nicely furnished, so you're good to go!" declared the overly cheerful realtor.

"Thank you," Jade responded in her assured, yet soft-spoken voice, putting the accepted keys into her jeans pocket.

Jade marveled at the countryside scenery around her and smiled happily. "It's wonderful here! And everything sounds so peaceful."

The proud man nodded while tugging the top of his bright blue blazer. "Yes, it's the perfect, private community for a little R and R! You'll have peace and quiet all day!"

Jade pondered for a moment. "It's great that I don't need to buy any furniture, but do you know why the previous homeowners left everything?"

The perky real estate agent continued to display a wide and pearly grin.

"They probably were just in a hurry to go somewhere. Well, too late for them! You've already PAID, Ms. JADE"

The woman shook her head at the corny rhyme before retrieving one of the packing boxes from her convertible. With the parcel in her arms, Jade looked to the right side of her large home at the small house next to hers. Oddly enough that the little cape appeared to be made almost entirely out of red bricks and mortar, including the rooftop, but it also seemed to never be occupied.

"That's strange," she commented, "I have been here at least several times and I still haven't met my neighbors. Are they ever home?"

Awaiting an answer, Jade turned her view back towards the realtor... just in time to see him already hurrying into his car, which was just as big and polished as the man's teeth and poofy hairpiece.

"Only in the evening," he replied, still smiling wide as he quickly shut the car door. "So you won't hear a peep all day!"

"But, I arrive home... late afternoon. So how are the neighbors-?"

"Congratulations, Ms. Jade!"

The shiny sedan sped off.

"...at night?"

After blinking in brief bewilderment at the realtor's superb imitation of a race car driver, the woman shrugged to herself and began setting up in her new, quiet abode.

That evening, Jade enjoyed a drink of warm, soothing, chamomile tea, returned the empty cup to its plate on her bureau, and settled in bed for the night.

Under the soft, ginger-colored blanket, she welcomed the lulling, melodious chirps of crickets emitting through the bedroom's open window, while viewing the night sky's stars glimmering in sync with the flickering fireflies.

Smiling, the relaxed woman admired the pleasant, earth-tone decorated bedroom. '

This is such a beautifully furnished house. I wonder why it was so inexpensive?' she thought with a yawn.

And within a few minutes, her light green eyes closed contentedly.

During the night, Jade had partly awoken, for she heard banging and excited voices coming from outside. She knew the loud sounds were given off from the small and somewhat unkempt brick house, as it was the only home that was close to her new rancher. Then she heard another voice. They all sounded the same, but all were very annoying.

The woman opened her eyes and was now fully awake. '

Well, it sounds like my neighbors are finally home...'

Being an inquisitive person, Jade got out of bed and peered out her window; her eyes squinting through the darkness. Someone opened the door of the brick house, and two short figures rushed in. Its porch light was lit up, however, everyone was already inside. They were still loud, even in the red dwelling, so Jade closed the window and went back to bed.

With the windowpane closed, the voices were now muffled, so the woman couldn't clarify the conversation, but she rather not care and try to go to sleep. Suddenly, an even brasher and much deeper voice went on calling to the beings inside the house. The voices argued a bit and fell silent.

Jade sighed with relief and shut her eyes. But then, she heard what sounded like a strong wind, gusting over and over by the neighboring house.

"Great, is that a storm coming?" she groaned.

The woman noticed that no raindrops were hitting the window glass. Plus, the local trees were not affected by the sudden storm... Not a single leaf or branch was moving.

Being too tired to contemplate the bizarre weather, Jade finally fell back to sleep, only to be abruptly snapped awake by a loud howl and... something slamming onto her house's roof!

Startled, the muzzy woman sprung up in bed.

"Ah! What?! Who just ran over a dog?!"

At that point, she heard something roll and drop, followed by yipping that faded off. The first, three voices started cheering. After a few breaths for composure, Jade pushed back her ruffled, sandy-brown hair from her face, and slumped into the mattress again.

When the voices became quiet, her eyelids slowly closed once more. But just before she resumed sleeping, music began blaring from the brick house. Jade waited for an hour, and yet the same song kept replaying as the celebrating continued.

She attempted to block out the ruckus with earplugs...

It didn't work.

She tried headphones...

That didn't work, either.

Then, she tried earplugs with headphones.

...Again, no such luck.

"Ugh... It's like trying to ignore a thunderstorm during a rock concert with fire truck sirens as the lead singers," grumbled Jade while rubbing her doubled earache with both hands.

Restless, she gave up and headed into the kitchen. The woman trudged towards her cupboard to prepare another cup of herbal tea. Blinking tiredly, she stood in front of the opened cabinet, observing the cups and plates rattle from the music's pounding beats and the neighbors' off-key singing (if one could even justify it as singing).

"Oy... So much for 'a little R and R'..."

And with a heaving sigh, the longing-for-peace schoolteacher pulled out a massive mug from the vibrating cupboard... For a tiny teacup was far from being enough to soothe her frazzled nerves, this erratic evening.

Chapter Text

The next night, Jade went to bed as usual. However, this time, she decided to leave the windowpane open.

"All right, let's hear what has my noisy neighbors so worked up that they have to party all night," she told herself in a low tone while brushing her long hair as she normally did every evening-

"Ow!"

...Every evening that wasn't so restlessly hair-pulling, that is.

As weary as she was from not getting proper sleep, the teacher was in fact, anxious to learn about her neighbors' nightly gatherings. But ultimately, she began to drift off.

And just when the woman was in much-needed slumber, a loud commotion woke her right up...

"Bro! Open up! Let us in!" two urgent voices pleaded between the brash banging on a door.

"Hey, Bros! Oh, don't tell me... he's at it, AGAIN?!" asked a third voice with a hearty snort.

"Yeah, Bro! We ran over as fast as our hooves can hustle!" answered the first voice.

'Hooves?' wondered Jade.

"Yo! Hurry up, Bro!" yelled the second voice. "The wolf's right behind our tails!"

Jade sat up and was now, really puzzled. Which was rare for the expert educator.

'Did he just say..?'

"Welp, c'mon in, Bros! Y'know dat loser can't blow MY house down!" laughed the third voice.

Hastily, the woman stumbled out of bed and looked out her window again. She glimpsed the pair of short figures hurriedly going into the red cape house as before, with the owner of the third voice bolting the door, and the porch light of the home was turned on.

But this night, Jade ignored her comfy bed. She was far too curious to rest and had to see what was coming that had her unknown, weird neighbors running for their lives.

Soon, a big shape revealed itself from the nightfall's blackness as it stepped forth in the lamp's glow. The fearsome figure stood tall in front of the small, brick house.

The shocked woman's mouth went agape. 'I... don't... believe it.'

"Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me come in!" the tall being demanded deeply.

"NOT BY THE HAIR OF OUR CHINNY CHIN CHINS!" retorted the three voices.

"Then I'll huff and I'll puff! And I'll blow your house in!"

The gaunt, gray wolf took a few back paces on his hind legs. He held up his rope-suspendered, green trousers as he took a big breath and began blowing at the red brick house. But the sturdy dwelling remained intact with three, identical, portly pigs looking out its closed window. They were teasing the lean lupine with goofy faces and blowing tongue raspberries.

Jade's unblinking, gaping eyes darted side to side; from the super-lung-inflated invader, then to the laughing and snorting, happy hogs.

"My next-door neighbors... are talking pigs," the stunned woman stated out loud to no one in particular. "Oh... silly me, I should've expected them after seeing the huffing, puffing, talking WOLF!"

The said wolf panted, hunched down while leaning on his patched-up pants. After a breather, he straightened up and snarled, shaking a clenched paw at the pigs. Angry, he scrambled to the top of their house and proceeded to climb down its chimney.

As the unbelievable scenario unfolded before her, Jade slapped her face, shook her head, rubbed her eyes, and... slapped her face again.

'Nope! I'm definitely not hallucinating from improper sleep!' she thought with a right eye twitch.

Without warning, the wolf went flying out of the pig's chimney and slammed on the woman's rooftop. His back was steaming as he bowled to the ground. Downtrodden and sore, the conquered canine quickly got up on all fours and began yipping and howling as he ran off with his tail between his legs.

Jade then looked towards the T-shirt and jean-wearing pigs swaggering outside on their hind legs, laughing away.

"Dat wolf's such a tool! Hey, how many times he's gonna crash n' burn in my boilin' cauldron, Bros?" asked the third pig, very mockingly.

The second pig snorted in amusement. "Yo, I know, Bro! Ol' Big Bad gots some major problems!"

"Yeah, dat loser will never win 'cause we always score! We won again, Bros!" the first pig oinked while posing victoriously.

The third pig pointed a front hoof toward his house. "Hey, Bros, y'know wut dis calls for?"

"Aw, yeah! Party time! WOOH!" shouted his two brothers with wide-open grins.

The young pigs began to fist-pump (or precisely, hoof-pump) the air as they oinked and cheered...

"Power to the PIGS! Woot! Woot! Power to the PIGS! Power to the PIGS! Woot! Woot!"

The peachy-pink trio marched back into the brick house. Before long, they were singing out of sync to loud music, which was the same song over and over...

"Hey, I bet'cha  it's gonna be a great night, TONIGHT! Gonna be a great night, TONIGHT! Hey, I bet'cha it's gonna be a great, GREAT night, tonight, TONIGHT! Gonna be a..!"

By now, Jade was sitting in bed with her hands holding up her face. For the completely confounded woman almost had fallen out of her house twice from tilting too far out her bedroom window. Because of this whole, irrational incident, the teacher concluded that she could now relate with her students about being confused, and... she didn't like being confused one bit!

'This cannot... be happening,' she thought while finally blinking normally again. 'And yet... it is. ...So the neighboring fairy tale animals explain why the previous homeowners rushed out... and also my easy mortgage.'

The music continued to blare as Jade got out of bed. She disregarded the chamomile tea. No mugful amount was going to make this chaotic, ear-splitting evening any more sense or composed.

"That's it," she grumpily sighed. "I'm heading for the couch..."

The pigs' pitch seemed to become louder. The woman felt her throbbing forehead.

"...and for some aspirin. Oy vey."

Feeling disgruntled, Jade grabbed her bed's blanket and pillow, and lumbered into the pallor; wishing her ranch house had a basement...

"WHOO! ONE MORE TIME!"

A nice, deep, noiseless basement.

Chapter Text

The following morning, the happy hogs came out of their untidy, red abode.

"Welp, Bros," said the first pig while stretching his short limbs, "I better get back and make my straw house again before I crash right here!"

"Same here, Bros," agreed the second pig. "I gotta get some sticks for my crib!"

The third pig who owned the brick house nodded. "Okay, Bros... same time, tonight?"

Grins spread across his fellow partying pigs' faces. "Aw, yeah! Y'know it, Bro!"

The young swine oinked and gleefully snorted, giving each other a fist-bump (or rather, hoof-bump). But then, the first pig stopped laughing with his beady brown eyes widening.

"'Sup, Bro? Is the wolf comin' early?" the second pig asked.

The first pig directed his two siblings to turn around. "No, Bro! Way better than a wolf."

"A cougar!" exclaimed the third pig as he barged between his brothers, pointing a dark hoof at the pretty woman walking straight toward them.

"Whoa... Bros..!" they gasped excitedly.

The tubby triplets patted the strands of hair on the top of their heads and pulled their too-short shirts to reach their baggy blue jeans to no avail, as the greeting cougar approached with a small smile.

"Good morning. My name is Jade. I just moved into the house next door and-"

The second pig elbowed his third sibling. "Yo, ya holdin' out on us, Bro!"

The third pig shrugged abruptly. "Hey! Seriously, Bro... I'd no idea about the hotty!"

The second pig skimmed over the silver convertible near Jade's property and gave his brick-building brother a snarky smirk.

"Oh, sure~! Ya got dis lioness with a sweet ride, denned right next to ya, and ya like completely in the dark?" He shook his head in disapproval, clicking his tongue. "Not cool, Bro! So not cool!"

"Yeah, Mom told us to make our way and share wut we got. Dat includes she-kitty, too, Bro!" mentioned the first pig with a stern frown. 

Jade stood there, speechless. The sensible woman was still grasping the concept that she was trying to engage in a conversation with a hog family. But she managed to regain her focus and her voice and cleared her throat. "Excuse me. Ah... pigs?"

The third pig pushed his siblings aside. "Please, call me Bob, beautiful!"

The woman shrugged her shoulders. "Eh, all right. Hello, Bob Beautiful."

"Oh, snap!" snickered the other two, angering their brother.

"Hey, shud up! Quit it, Bros!"

"So... Bob," Jade lightly cut in with a sigh, "since we are neighbors, we should-"

"Totally hang out!" interrupted the first pig. "I hear ya, she-kitty! But I think we better finish tellin' ya our names before we jump the barrel."

The woman scoffed and rolled her eyes. 'At first, I was surprised about talking animals,' she thought to herself. 'Now, after hearing their intellect, I truly don't see the amazement, anymore.'

"I'm Bob," continued the first pig with pride.

Jade arched a thin, brown eyebrow. "But isn't that your... um, brother's name?"

"Uh-duh! He just said it was! He's Bob Red 'cause he wears a red tee and built his crib outta bricks."

The brick-obsessed pig in the middle of the three lifted his shirt.

"I like red," he giggled and oinked.

Jade simply stared at him with half-lidded eyes.

"I can see that."

The first pig resumed the introduction. "I build straw houses. But yellow sounds weak, so my name's Bob Gold!" And he sported his yellow shirt.

"Hmm. Manly," responded the unimpressed woman, her tired tone hinting at sarcasm. 

The second pig butted in front of his mad siblings. "And I'm called Bob Brown, 'cause I do wonders with sticks." He gestured to his brown shirt.

"I never would've guessed that one," said Jade with another eye-roll.

"Besides sticks~," Bob Brown added as he took her hand, "I can work magic on other things- WHEE!"

Angry, Bob Red had pulled his stick-stacking sibling's tiny, curled tail, turning his swoons into squeals.

"Whee-ouch! Yo! Yo! Lay off, Bro! I was only playin'!"

Bob Gold snorted at his red-shirted sibling's action.

"Yeah, why did'ja do dat to our Bro? Bro?!"

"Bro, he can't hit on 'er! She's my neighbor!" snapped the brick-building pig.

Jade's smile came sailing in. She was beginning to feel more respected. "Why, thank you, Bob Red!"

"Hey, you're MY neighbor, so I get to date ya!"

And at that moment, Jade's ship carrying her moment of respect sank to rock bottom.

"Date me?" she muttered. "When Bobs fly." The woman stared up at the sky; dreading seeing any cued winged swine soaring into the clouds.

The brown-shirted pig pouted at Bob Red. "Yo, dat ain't fair, Bro!"

Bob Gold stomped his back hoof, agreeing with his stick-stacking sibling.

"Yeah, Bro! Ya can't hog all the glory! We practically live here, too!" He pointed to himself. "Besides, dis Bro oughtta date she-kitty first 'cause I'M the oldest!"

"Just by ten seconds, Bro!" Bob Red retorted. "Dat ain't gonna count!"

"Bobs... that is not why I'm here... And it's pronounced: that's not going to count," corrected the schoolteacher, since she couldn't ignore the pigs' poor grammar any longer.

But the immature pigs seemed to be indifferent to neither her attempted explanation, nor lessons in proper sentence structure.

"Bros, remember, Mom wants us to share!" their yellow-shirted sibling reminded.

Bob Brown nodded. "Yo, I'm in if the chic's willin' to play ring around the porkies."

"Hey, I'm all for dat, Bros!" agreed Bob Red, excitedly.

The annoyed woman was now pinching the top bridge of her nose, mumbling to herself, "And I thought some men were real pigs." She called out, "Bobs..."

However, the oblivious swine were still focused on how to triple-date their new neighbor...

"Hey! How about we flip a coin to pick which Bro dates the Brah, first?"

"Yo, I got it, Bros! We pig pool in dat sic car of 'ers!"

"Bobs..," repeated Jade.

"Yeah, Bros! I bet we all fit if we hold our breaths!"

"...BOBS!"

The pigs stopped their overly enthused oinking and snorting and looked up at the irritated woman as she took a quick breath to relax.

"Thank you. I'm flattered... in a freaked-out sort of way, but I simply cannot date any of you."

The pigs exchanged looks of disappointment.

"Oh, Bros, we shouldn't had dat mud-dip in the tub!" complained Bob Red, poking out dried dirt from his belly button.

Bob Gold displayed a long frown. "I guess we ain't good enough for ya, she-kitty."

Bob Brown began to sniff his shirt and under his front limbs, then at his brothers, and sneered in disgust.

Their let-down expressions made Jade feel a tad regretful. She waved her palms expressively.

"No, no. It's nothing against any of you. It's just that... it wouldn't be... appropriate."

"Why not, Brah?" they asked all at once.

"Oh, well..." She pondered for a few seconds. "I'm... Kosher?"

"Ouch, dat's cold, Brah!" whined the three siblings, crossing their front limbs in displeased defeat.

'Thank goodness that actually worked!' thought the very, very-times-infinity, relieved woman.

Now that the dating dilemma was thankfully over, Jade got back to the original reason why she came over.

"So, Bob Red and... Bobs, since we are now neighbors, I'd like to share respect for one another."

The pigs were still sniffing and snorting at themselves and each other...

'In which I'm having difficulty achieving, right now,' she mentally added before continuing.

"I teach elementary students. I have moved here to enjoy some peace after my daily, hard work. I am sure you three can relate?"

"Pfft! WE got jobs?!" laughed Bob Red. "Hah! Oh, dat's rich, Brah!"

The other pigs chuckled, while the woman was yawning instead of laughing. Bob Brown jabbed a hoof into the brick-building pig's chest. "Yo, watch out, Bro! Ya borin' 'er!"

After another yawn, Jade shook her head.

"No, I'm not bored. I am feeling a bit tired. You see, Bobs, it's very difficult for me to get a full night's sleep when my three neighbors are shouting, torturing a wolf, and having Karaoke with repetitious music every evening."

"Whoa, who're those cool dudes?! They sound super awesome!" Bob Gold inquired as he and his siblings eagerly scanned the horizon for the other three neighbors.

Sighing and ignoring the pigs' pointless search for... well, themselves, Jade knelt on her knees to be at their eye level.

"Bob Gold, Bob Brown, and Bob Red," she said softly with an encouraging smile, "do you think you could keep things down, in respect of your new neighbor? Please?"

The triplets silently stared at each other's beady brown eyes for a few moments, and then... dropped to the grass, laughing in hysterics. Causing the poor woman's hopes and smile to also... drop immediately.

The yellow-shirted pig held his round belly and fronted Bob Red. "She-kitty's way too funny, Bro!"

"I know, Bro! I know!" agreed his cackling, brick-building brother.

The brown-shirted pig was swaying on his back. "She don't know how the story goes?! Good one, Brah!"

By this time, Jade was feeling quite... jaded.

"It's: she doesn't know..," she rectified with a sigh while straightening up and brushing the dirt off her black pants. "Listen... I am not trying to be funny. It isn't right to be so loud in the middle of the night! Not to mention, it's quite impolite!"

"Ha-hah! Bros, she yaps poet-stuff like Ol' Big Bad!" Bob Brown mentioned between his oinks and laughter.     

Eventually, the giggling pigs settled down (to some extent) and stood up. Bob Red wiped his teary vision.

"Don't worry, Bros! I got dis!" He placed his front hooves on his wide hips, looking up at Jade. "Lookie here, lil' lady..."

Insulted, the five-and-a-half-foot tall woman's eyebrows furrowed as she stared down at the stubby swine.

"Lil' lady?" she repeated. "Even without high heels, I'm TWICE your height!"

Bob Red gestured to his siblings and himself.

"We be... the Three Little Pigs," he stated matter-of-factly. "Out there's..." The pig pointed to the woods in the distance. "...the Big Bad Wolf. He goes after us, and we get'im in the end."

The straw-structuring pig snickered and snorted, thinking of the wolf falling bottom first into his brother's boiling pot, again and again... and again.

"Heh-heh, END!"

"Our Pop, Unks, n' Gramps busted up wolves, and now it's our turn," resumed Bob Red. "Dat's how it was and dat's how it is, Brah!"

Jade let out another bothered sigh. She was now fully aware of how the term 'pig-headed' had truly originated. She folded her arms over her lavender camisole.

"But I don't figure your relatives partied till the cows came home."

"Yo, Brah, we ain't cows!" Bob Brown chuckled dismissively. "Those moo-heads are clueless about havin' a good time!" 

The angry woman snubbed that ridiculous response.

"Oy, just keep it down, please! This routine of yours makes me so distressed at night!"

Bob Red gave a big, snout-ty smile. "Hey... Chillax, Brah! Y'know wut'cha need?"

She tiredly blinked. "Eight hours of sleep?"

"More like eight hours of partyin', Brah! Ya can totally hang with me n' my Bros tonight after we trounce the wolf!"

"Ya can bring the onion dip!" added Bob Gold.

Bob Brown strutted up to Jade. "And with your whole... Kosher thing," he whispered behind the back of his hoof with a wink, "we won't tell anybody, Brah!"

The pigs' incredible ignorance made the frustrated, worn-out woman hit herself... repeatedly. Fortunately for Jade's face, she used the palm of her hand rather than the trunk of a nearby oak tree.

"Are you pigs serious?" she questioned, rubbing her tender forehead and tightly shut eyelids to vainly stop her left one from twitching.

Bob Gold excitedly bobbed his head. "Uh-huh! We cool like dat!"

"Oh, for the love of literature! It's pronounced: WE'RE cool like THAT!" spat the discouraged schoolteacher, followed by another drained sigh... yet again.

She was debating which was more numerous: her big inhales and exhales of air, or the pigs' grammar errors. But she had to stop calculating. The migraine was making Jade lose count.

After massaging her throbbing head, the woman scoffed and walked off, throwing her hands up in riled resignation.

"Oy vey, this was completely hopeless!"

"Yo! Wut's wrong, Brah?" Bob Brown called out to her. "Ya think ya too good for us?!"

"Hey! Chillax, Bro," laughed Bob Red. "Dat cranky chic's clueless! The Brah gots no clue wut she's missin' out on!"

"Yeah! She-kitty says she's a teacher? Wut does dat Brah teach kids, how to bore themselves?!" joked Bob Gold.

The red-shirted pig lounged his front limbs over his brothers' withers. "Ah, forget 'er, Bros! If she don't wanna wake up, then the... The Big Bad Brah better move back to Snores-Ville!"

"Ah-ha-hah-hah! THE BIG BAD BRAH!" chimed in the other two hogs as the three laughed, oinked, and belly-slapped into each other.

Meanwhile, Jade continued to stomp back to her house. Over her shoulder, she glanced back at the three smug pigs mocking her. Firmly, she twist and pushed the door's handle, and turned around in the opened entrance, glaring and narrowing her light green eyes at her stout, snickering neighbors.

"I'm not going anywhere!" growled the huffed woman. "And... I am NOT a BRAH!"

And she slammed the door.

The stick-stacking pig laughed to his brick-building brother, "Whoa! Yo, Bro, dat new neighbor of yours gots some major spazzin' issues!"

"Don't I know it, Bro!"

Their straw-structuring sibling paused for a moment, trying to recollect his jumbled memory.

"Say, Bros, did she-kitty just say she's not wearin' a bra?"

Then, the Three Little Pigs grinned broadly.

"SWEEEET~!"

For the next two nights, almost like clockwork, the ruckus remained a ritual. The tired teacher was getting to the point that she did feel like moving out. At times, she felt elementary school was more peaceful, even at recess.

As the sleepless woman lay in bed with wide, pink (and still twitching) eyes, her ears endured the loud cliché voices again...

"Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me come in!"

"NOT BY THE HAIR OF OUR CHINNY CHIN CHINS!"

"Then I'll huff and I'll puff! And I'll blow your house in!"

Again, the gusting of the wolf's pointless attempts to blow down the brick house was heard, followed by the sounds quieting.

Jade sighed and started to count off with her fingers.

'Three, two, one...'

The loud thud of the yowling lupine was heard on her roof. He rolled to the ground and went off, yipping in the distance.

'And there we go,' she thought with a wry frown.

Groaning, the drained woman wrapped a pillow around her head.

'Why won't that poor, persistent wolf just try something else? ...Like simply kicking the door down!'

Soon afterward, the pig triplets began cheering; followed by singing (and squealing), to the same song, over and over...

"Gonna sing it again!"

...and over...

"We gonna! We Gonna! We GONNA! Gonna SING it! We..!"

Their music pulsated through Jade's bedroom walls, causing a framed childhood photo to shake and loosen from its once-thought-to-be-secured nail. She sat up in bed, rubbing her fingertips around her temples.

"This isn't a fairy tale..."

"I bet'cha it's gonna be a great night, TONIGHT! Gonna be a great night, TONIGHT! Hey, I bet'cha it's gonna be a great, GREAT..!"

The rattling childhood picture plunged and shattered on the floor.

"...It's a never-ending NIGHTMARE!" the insomniac hollered over the noise pollution.

The fuming woman clutched her trusty, old cell phone to call that sneaky, secretly balding, real estate agent. But when she was about to dial the number, her fingers froze.

Jade looked over her bedroom. She was so proud of her beautiful ranch home, and it took a lot of effort with balancing work and moving. She decided she was not going to give up her dream house.

Feeling calmer, Jade placed her phone back on the bedside bureau. She didn't even consider calling the police or getting any evidence. Even if someone did believe this crazy situation and deemed her sane, she knew those three, smart-aleck pests would only resume partying after the authorities were long gone. And people would think any recorded video or pictures of the woman's animal neighbors would be some kind of computerized hoax.

Besides, after the trio insulted her... this was personal.

"I am NOT leaving!" Jade protested proudly, giving herself the willpower to rise out of bed. "Those... Bob Brothers are. The Big Bad Brah will make certain of it!"

And after getting dressed, the strong-minded schoolteacher marched into the kitchen, ignored the teabags, and grabbed the strong roast coffee; to begin conducting a lesson plan for the pigs next door.

Chapter Text

Early morning and all through the day, Jade worked on her brainstorming. She pulled some strings with a couple of phone calls... with one call being quite unusual.

And with a peculiar checklist, the woman drove to an arts and crafts shop and the supermarket and bought a bunch of seemingly random items; including a can of green neon paint and a big bag of ice.

Later, at home, she kept checking on things in the oven and poured a carton of milk into a large rain barrel in her yard.

When it became late, Jade had finished her tasks in the kitchen. She went into the bathroom and slanted a folded umbrella near its entrance.

She then, stood on the bathtub rims to reach a sizeable skylight window. Afterward, the woman carefully stepped down and turned on the tub's faucet. When the bathtub was filled with water, she shut off the valve and poured the bag of ice in.

Jade glimpsed at her watch and hurried into her bedroom. Again like clockwork, Bob Gold and Bob Brown run over to their brother's home, begging to be left inside.

And as always, the Big Bad Wolf storms over, just as the pigs go into the safety of the brick house.

"Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me come in!"

In the meantime, Jade was sitting by her open window, lip-syncing and conducting a hand to the shouts...

"NOT BY THE HAIR OF OUR CHINNY CHIN CHINS!"

"Then I'll huff and I'll puff! And I'll blow your house in!"

The wolf, of course, blows at the house with the arrogant pigs taunting and laughing at their exhausted, gray foe. Then as before, he begins to scramble to the roof.

Jade arose from her chair and smirked.

'It's about time this stale fairy tale gets a re-write.'

After watching the desperate lupine go down the red-brick chimney, the prepared woman walked by the kitchen while giving it an approving glance, then stepped by the bathroom and waited.

As she had obviously predicted, the yowling, steaming wolf sprang out of the Bob Brothers' fireplace vent and crashed on her rooftop. Howling, he rolled on the roof shingles and fell.

But instead of the usual impact of the ground, the Big Bad Wolf came through Jade's wide-open skylight window, and dropped tail-first into the cold, water-filled bathtub!

The wolf greatly sighed with relief as his burns were soothed by the ice water. After he leaped out of the tub and shook the moisture from his fur, his pointy ears twitched at the sound of sniffling.

"Wet dog...Ugh..."

A still-dry woman (thanks to her umbrella), stood by the bathroom's open door. The towering canine slowly stood up on his hind legs... giving a throaty growl.

However, instead of screaming and running, Jade simply scoffed while closing and putting the drenched parasol aside.

"Oh, please... I grew up with two Mastiff dogs and a Saint Bernard," she said unfazed.

The wolf's bright yellow eyes widened from sheer astonishment. She didn't flinch at his big, bad presence, at all!

Jade viewed the lupine's lanky shape. "And I've seen Greyhounds with more meat on their bones."

Hearing this, the wolf emitted more growls. But the rumbling was from his sunken stomach. He clutched it from the hunger pang and pointed a claw at the plucky person.

"You..?"

"I'm Jade, the new neighbor of the Bob Brothers."

The Big Bad Wolf blinked quickly a few times, tilting his head and ears.

"Who..?"

The woman smiled slightly and chuckled. She had to admit, for a deep voice, villainous canine, his perplexed expression was surprisingly amusing.

"My apologies, I mean the 'Little pigs! Little pigs!'", she revised gruffly, air quoting her fingers to the wolf's overused line. "They waltzed into my house to gloat to me about tricking you, and I rather not listen to the bragging of three piggies. Three... tender... plump... piggies."

The wolf was soundless and motionless. He was extremely intrigued. And by the looks of his gaping, watering mouth; extremely hungry.

Jade entered the bathroom, plucked a towel from a shelf, and used it to dry the lupine's long muzzle.

"So... to repay me for the cooling bath," she continued, standing on her tiptoes as she tied the towel around his neck like a dinner napkin, "would you mind doing something about my three, unwelcome guests, hmm?"

Nodding furiously, the wolf licked his teeth.

"Where..?!"

"There," Jade responded while directing with her hand. "In the next room to the left, in the-"

A gray blur zoomed by in a millisecond.

"...kitchen," the woman finished, smoothing her gusted, sandy-brown hair.

The wolf ran into the mentioned room and sniffed the air. In the darkened area, he managed to find three, round, pig-looking fellows sitting in wooden chairs; they appeared to be frozen with fear.

With a sharp, toothy grin, the Big Bad Wolf eagerly rubbed his paws together. "Little pigs... little pigs... After all this time, finally... YOU'RE MINE!"

As fast as a flash, the starved lupine lunged at the silent trio; it had been nearly a week since he had found anything edible.

The wolf was so famished, he didn't notice that his meals were not the Three Little Pigs but were actually: three, big, roasted turkeys. They had pink, plastic foam balls for heads, paper cups for snouts, buttons and felt for the eyes and ears, and Jade had put yellow, brown, and red T-shirts on the cooked poultry... Wait a minute!

Jade unconcernedly saunters into the kitchen, flips the light switch on, and looks towards you, the reader of this Three Little Pigs parody.

"Yes?"

Pardon, Miss, but wouldn't it have been more convincing if you used ham instead of turkeys?

The woman observes the wolf's feeding frenzy, briefly raising her foot to bypass one of the Bob-ball heads from bowling into her ankle.

"The wolf's stomach is being convinced," she replies to you. "Besides..." She reaches for her shirt's neckline, revealing a gold necklace with a six-pointed, star pendant.

"Remember when I told the pigs about me keeping Kosher..?"

...Oh, of course! Sorry! You respond with a sheepish smile.

So as the Big Bad Wolf was occupied with munching on the Three Little Decoys, Jade retrieved something from the counter and headed for the front door.

"One taken care of, three to go."

She nippily closed the entrance and avoided another beheaded foam head flinging and hitting the door like a stone out of a slingshot.

"Oy... What a girl... has to go through... to obtain peace... and to prevent... frown lines!" groaned the strained woman as she dragged the big barrel containing the milk and placed it in the middle of the Bob Brothers' front yard.

Then, with the item that she took from her kitchen counter in tow, tiptoed towards the noise-filled, red brick house.

Jade grimaced as the familiar song was being played and of course, the pig siblings were utterly and horribly, squalling along...

"We won't stop, stop, stop, STOP! So bring the chips and the pop, pop, pop, POP! Gonna shout out every night! DAT'S RIGHT! Shout out every..!"

"Oh, chewed-up pencils! Not if the Big Bad Brah can help it!" she grumbled, holding her ears while trying not to grind her clenched teeth into tiny stubs.

"Yo, Monday, Tuesday, YEAH! Yo, Wednesday, Thursday, YEAH! Yo, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!"

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK!

Incredibly, the Bob Brothers heard the knocking on their front door through their outrageous singing.

The brick-building pig opened the door and spotted a gift-wrapped package by his hind hooves. The two other brothers also waddled outside to look at the mystery gift... completely unaware of the pair of light green eyes observing from behind their brick house's overgrown, bordering bush.

"Hey, Bros, check it! I gotta present!"

"Yo, Bro! Wut'cha waitin' for?! Open it!"

"Yeah, Bro! Maybe somebody gots a crush on ya!"

"It's: I've gotten a present. What are you waiting for? And: maybe someone has a crush on you," the hidden teacher quietly rectified, after flicking some shrub leaves out of her mouth.

Bob Brown took a closer peek. "There's a note on top. I bet'cha it says who it's from, Bro!"

Bob Red picked up the creased paper and unfolded it.

"Please be able to read!" came a pleading whisper from the bush.

The woman (and not the bush), became relieved and surprised when the poorly pronouncing pig clearly and slowly recited the letter out loud...

"Dear Little Pigs, Dear Little Pigs,

I was a 'tool' for trying to outfool such smart foes. I have learned that I am far outmatched, you see. Therefore, I will no longer try to catch and eat you three. Please accept this treat, as a token of my accepted defeat.

Yours Truly,
The Big Bad Wolf!"

Bob Gold put his hooves over his chubby cheeks. "No... squealin'... way, Bro!

"I guess the furry windbag finally gets it! We... be... the BEST, Bros!" Bob Red declared.

"Yo, ya gotta open the box NOW, Bro!" demanded his stick-stacking sibling.

Bob Gold picked up the blue and white trimmed parcel and snuffled its top.

"Yeah, Bro! Wutever's inside smells AWESOME!"

Bob Red seized it from his brother's hooves and impatiently tore open the gift. Inside, was a glazed-covered bundt cake; flavored with a pig's favorite food...

"TRUFFLE CAKE!" squealed the Bob Brothers as they dived into the dessert, oinking and snorting as the cake covered their snouts and hooves.

Within moments, the greedy Three Little Pigs hogged the entire baked treat. However, they rapidly realized that the aftertaste in their mouths felt super-red-hot. Jade had made the cake and its icing with truffles; only to hide the habanero hot sauce she had sprinkled into the cake batter!

"HOT! HOT-HOT-HOT! H-H-HOT!"

The piggy trio felt like they had fiery flames shooting out of their mouths. Jade swore she saw smoke coming out of their ears and nostrils, but she told herself that her eyes were mistaken by the lack of sleep.

The panicking pigs caught sight of the rain barrel with the milk. They all wanted to drink it at once, so the three hastily squeezed themselves into the wooden cylinder to reach the refreshing, creamy beverage that would quench their fires.

When all Jade could see was the bottom of their dark hooves sticking out, she rushed over to the sardine-packed pigs and gave the barrel a good kick. It fell over, and the determined woman pushed and rolled the big barrel towards a lengthy slope on the property. It went spiraling down the hill with so much speed, that the muffled, squealing Bob Brothers bowled down the block until they were out of sight and sound.

Jade deeply exhaled as she parted long bangs from her vision.

'Phase one and two completed.' She looked at her watch. 'It's time for the finale.'

She left to grab the neon paint can and brush that was in her yard, and quickly carried them back to the freshly vacant, red brick house.

Soon after, two demolition contractors riding in one of their equipment vehicles drove up to the Three Little Pigs' residence.

"I guess this is the first house to be demolished?" asked the driving demolition worker.

His co-worker looked at the scruffy, cape dwelling. "Uh-huh, the received call was for this address."

"Yep, you're right. I see a large, green 'X' marked on the front door." The man stifled a yawn with his hand. "But, why is this job needed so early? I mean, even the sun isn't awake yet."

"Who cares, the client paid double for this one!"

The co-worker could see the aftermath of the partying pigs through the smudged windowpanes: overturned chairs, a ragged red couch covered in potato-chip crumbs, and onion dip blots were everywhere; even on the ceiling.

"And if you ask me," he continued, "it's not a moment too soon. This place is a real pig's sty. Sheesh!"

The men lowered their helmets, aimed, and with one swift swoosh, the brick house was-

SMASSHH!

...whacked by a wrecking ball.

Daybreak, the now conscious Bob Brothers were clumsily staggering towards their yard; feeling quite dizzy from the long and unexpected barrel ride.

"Ohh... Bros! Wuh..? Wut happened?" moaned Bob Red while holding up his head.

"Dunno... Bro," Bob Gold replied queasily after he awkwardly took off his stained shirt. "Eww... gnarly! My tee... ain't gold anymore, Bros!"

Bob Brown groaned, "Uhh... Bros... I can't stop my eyes from twirlin'!"

The shirtless, straw-structuring pig looked ahead.

"Wut the hay? Uh, Bros..? Where's... the house?!"

They walked in shock and soon concluded that the brick house was still there. Well, sort of...

"My... my PAD! It got rekt, Bros!" whined Bob Red as he fell to his knees in front of the red crumbled construction. "Wut did dis!?"

Bob Brown picked up another note off the ground and gulped after he unfolded it. "Yo, Bro, not wut... but WHO!"

The former, brick homeowner pig snatched the letter from his brother and read it out loud again. But this time, stuttering nervously...

"D-D-Dear Little Pigs, Dear little P-P-Pigs,

It-It looks like I WIN for I've blown your house IN! Take that to your ch-chinny, chin, CHINS! I'm D-DONE with your m-mocks and FUN. So now... you bet-better RUN!

Y-Y-Yours Hungrily,
The B-B-BIG BAD WOLF!"

Bob Gold was frantically jumping up and down.

"Dat wolf was trollin' us, Bros! He was only playin' dumb so he'd catch us and-and-!"

"EAT US!" shrieked the triplets in freaked-out unison.

The terrified Three Little Pigs went into a circling, peachy-pink panic; squealing and oinking uncontrollably.

And in their haste, they tripped into each other, tumbled down the hill all over again, and after another bout of motion sickness, scurried off in search of a wolf-free neighborhood.

Meanwhile, by a nearby, open bedroom window...

"Happy trails, piggies," came a pleased voice that sounded like a certain and clever Big Bad Brah, as she waved farewell until she could no longer see the curly tails of her fleeing, former neighbors.

And after rethinking the successful, yet bizarre plan of ridding herself of three, talking hogs dressed in casual wear, an ironic smile slowly formed on the educator's lips.

'And some of my students' parents believed that watching classic cartoons during recess would never achieve anything,' she thought to herself with a chuckle, before taking another savory sip of warm, soothing, chamomile tea.

Chapter Text

Jade finished the last of her favorite herbal tea. And since it was still early, and the schoolteacher called work and collected a couple of unused sick days, she was more than able to do something she had been wanting to do properly all week.

"SLEEP!" she exclaimed with relief, flopping into her long-awaited, inviting bed.

Still clad in a pink top and tan khakis, Jade tossed off her shoes and pulled up the cozy cover to her chin. But right before she drifted off, her nose felt... cold?

The woman fluttered her light green eyes... A familiar pair of bright yellow eyes were blinking back at her; all the while being sniffed by a cool, wet nose that belonged to a very tall, gray animal, sitting by her bedside...

Startled and shooting up in bed, Jade gawked widely at the not-so-tiny flaw in her master plan. She quickly gathered that her rid-the-piggies project had forgotten something.

Or someone.

'Oh... Right. Him.'

Yes, Jade had overlooked the possibility that the Big Bad Wolf would still be inside her house! She assumed the wolf would have just left after he thought he succeeded in wolfing down the Three Little Pigs; thanks to the pig-masqueraded, roast turkeys.

But instead, he had shyly hidden, until now.

"Hello?" she greeted the overstayed, drop-in guest with an uncertain smile.

The satisfied lupine responded with a loud belch, making the woman wince and turn her head. After the scent of wolf-burp faded from the bedroom, Jade faced him again and waited...

He wasn't budging. She raised an eyebrow, questioningly. "Okay... wolf, what is it?"

The wolf leaned forward and gave Jade's face a long lick, panting happily at her. That was his canine way of thanking her for the ice water and the three hearty meals.

The Big Bad Wolf had never felt so full in his entire life. His old rope suspenders had popped from the sheer size of his stuffed stomach, which had taken over the role of holding up (and splitting) his pants.

The thankful wolf untied the towel from his neck that she had given him and held it out. The polite woman forced an appreciative grin and hesitantly accepted the makeshift napkin.

"Um... thank you," she mentioned as she carefully and promptly dropped the stained (and much-chewed) towel in a nearby basket.

"Well, wolf... your misery is finally over. You can vanish into the woods with no longer worrying about being boiled alive by crude and rude pigs. So do take care and have a boil-free life!"

She lay down and gave a quick wave. "Goodbye!"

Jade pretended to snore. A minute passed, and she cautiously slit open an eye. She knew it...

The wolf was still there and... still sitting.

"Why... won't you disappear?" she inquired with a groan.

"I... like it here," was the deep-toned, rhymed reply.

Knowing very well where this was going, Jade sat up once more.

"Again, thank you, but you cannot..."

She had trailed off in mid-sentence, because the wolf had laid his silver muzzle on the rim of the bed, whimpering with droopy ears.

Jade quickly shook her head. "Oh... Oh, no! No! That's not-!"

Her gaze was met with shiny pupils; unbelievably and adorably doubled in size.

"...going... to... work..." Jade bit her bottom lip. "Just... please stop doing the sad, puppy-dog eyes!"

The lupine nuzzled Jade's hand with his nose while wagging his bushy, silver-tipped tail. And as drained as she felt, the strong-willed yet canine-adoring woman couldn't help but smile at the begging of the so-called, 'Big Bad Wolf'.

She leaned her jaw onto her knuckles. "And you're the storybook villain who is supposed to scare children?"

The response was a small whine and another tail wag.

"Right... Such a wicked wolf," Jade softly snickered. "I better make sure to keep my red-hooded coat in the closet."

She sighed and scratched behind the content canine's ears, causing him to grunt and thump his hind foot.

"All right, you win. I could use a watchdog... I mean a watchwolf to keep my new rancher safe."

The wolf nodded readily, utterly happy to oblige.

"But..." The woman waved an index finger to be firm. "...there will be NO attempts to huff and puff and blow THIS house in. Okay?"

The appreciative lupine placed a gray paw on his furry chest.

"It's wonderful to have such a good change of pace. At long last, I'm being accepted by a warm and friendly face. I will NEVER blow a home in of someone so nice. I promise you'll never need to inquire twice!"

Jade blinked once. The only unheard sound that had come from the woman, was her eyelids temporarily closing together that second ago. 

"And I'll always keep guard, so you won't need to cringe." The wolf patted the bed. "Miss Jade can safely sleep beneath the bright blanket of orange."

Jade stared at the whimsical wolf, pursing her lips to the side. "Actually, the blanket's color is more of a ginger- Wait... Did you just rhyme with oran-?" She shook her head. "Nope! My brain is way too tired to think that could happen." 

Talking animals was odd enough, but a poetic one was still a whole other experience for the levelheaded woman.

Nonetheless, Miss Jade smiled warmly at the courtesy and thought, 'At least he addresses me properly and without any annoying slang names.'

To make their agreement official, Jade offered her right hand. But in the place of shaking, the wolf sealed the deal with another lick.

The woman laughed at herself. She should have foreseen that grateful gesture and mentally face-palmed since a lupine-licked hand wasn't exactly ideal for hand-to-face contact.

Jade yawned as did also the wolf; his eyelids drooping. Stretching, she reclined herself again.

"You do look as dog-tired as I am. Well, right beside-"

But before she could finish, the heavy wolf climbed into bed and settled himself comfortably in its plush mattress; creaking the wooden bedframe. And feeling the result of gobbling all three turkeys, he was already snoring loudly... right beside the suddenly wide-eyed and completely caught off-guard woman.

"Ah, excuse me, wolf? I meant for you to use the rug beside the bed," stated Jade as she tapped his black nose. "Mister Big Bad Wolf? Um... Mister Big?"

The finger tapping partly stirred the large lupine. Muttering, Mister Big stretched, rested his big head and paws over Jade, and exhaled blissfully, falling back to sleep.

"Oy... vey!" grunted the poor, pinned woman. "It's like you ate half a dozen rocks!" She moved her restrained legs, which took her nowhere. "Ugh...Who am I kidding? You are a rock."

Jade squirmed several more times, but half of the well-fed wolf's weight prevented any chance at freedom.

"...Oh, well... you're warm," she said to the furry, snoozing stone with a relented respire, trying to make the best of her stuck situation. "I'm predicting that I won't need a quilt for the bed, anytime soon."

She listened and smiled. "And being your pillow has stopped your snores."

And Jade was about to fall asleep, too. However, not used to being so filled, the wolf had begun to hiccup heavily.

The woman pushed her head into her pillow. 'Oh, spelling bee buzzers! How do parents get their kids to nap by reading fairy tales with such noisy characters?'

The exhausted educator then thought of her previous insomnia and insane-induced evenings and shrugged.

'Eh, one wolf hiccuping is better than three pigs hollering... to a repetitive song packed with unfitting grammar. But still...'

She craned her neck to look at the slumbering canine.

"Will I ever have a silent night?" she asked him, despite it being morning.

Jade then, smirked knowingly. Having dealt with childhood pups that were also eager eaters, she counted to herself while gently rotating her hand around the wolf's big underbelly.

'Three, two, one...'

"Unnn~" sighed the sleeping, grinning lupine; the caressing had ceased his hiccups.

'And there we go,' Jade thought with an approved smile.

With the quietness returned, the weary woman relaxed and placed an arm over her dozing fur blanket and allowed her heavy eyelids to slowly slide shut.

So finally, for these two... Hey, I bet'cha it's gonna be a great night TONIGHT! Gonna be a great night TO-!

"Ahem..."

A bloodshot green eye and an irritated yellow one squints straight at you. Followed by a short but direct, guttural growl.

"You do NOT want to do that, dear. I'm a sleep-deprived teacher with a WOLF... Do I make myself clear?"

You gulp and halt your reciting of the infamous lyrics straightaway; quickly grasping your mistake and also the fact that Mister Big's rhyme-conversing is rubbing off on his new, confidant caretaker.

Y-yes! I'm so sorry... Miss Jade! I just couldn't resist! You apologize with a nervous grin.

And so, with the fully irritating song out of the way, at last, the smiling, triumphant woman tilts her head in the pillow. And for the first time in days, she drifts off in deep repose, alongside her newfound, unusual companion.

In other words: Miss Jade and Mister Big, slept serenely ever after~