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Taking the most deepest of breaths for the most deepest of sighs, Ditzy tried to drown out the continued monologue of the rambling idiot hy had, not so affectionately, titled. The guy had gotten elbow deep in another one of his spews about the greater good and how he’s really not such a villain; though he constantly disproved himself with every questionable quip squished into the rant. Really the only one paying attention to Dirk was his new self appointed shadow. Harvey, hung onto the guys every word as if he were a disciple in charge of documenting the gospel. Maybe that’s how she viewed himself, who knew. Well, Ditzy felt like hy did, but at this point hy was too worn out to care or stir the pot.
“That’s just how things work in this world, you need to stay relevant to the narrative any way you can, and i’m not villianous for doing just that.”
“We get it Dirk, you’re morally grey and misunderstood, we heard it already no need to repeat yourself for the bajillionth time.” Terezi rolled her eyes behind her shades, and Harvey scowled at her in return.
“Good thing it wasn't for you then,” He snarks before turning to Ditzy, “Ditzy.”
“It’s still no.” Hy says with hys voice holding nothing but contempt.
“Come on, think outside of your feelings for a second, think about what's ultimately the greater-”
“No.”
Hy stares at the man in determination, a deep feeling that was wasted because the guy couldn't care less. He cared about his plans, of course, but not so much about how the other party felt in the matter.
“Ditzy.” he says in a tone that could almost be confused as gentle, if it were anyone else. The hard stern line of Dirk's lips somehow grew tighter, as he gazed at his somewhat, but not actually, ex lover. No, his tone wasn't gentle, it was threatening.
Having Enough of it Ditzy simply turned sharply and left, hys godtier hood flowing behind hym. Hys steps echoed in the halls of the ship so loudly you could've confused hym for wearing heels. Hy felt childish for hys abrupt leave, but hy couldn't stand in that room for another second. Not with his eyes looking at hym, eyes that were his but not really. Eyes that were duplicate but held nothing of the person hy had lived hys whole life for.
Not with that voice ringing in hys ears, a voice that hy had only known to speak to him softly, almost cautiously, carefully, but now was harsh and apathetic. A voice that was ingrained in hys psyche as something safe, only to be harshly confused by it triggering hys nervous system.
Not with him being him, but not him, but also him in his entirety. Did this make hym a hypocrite? A fraud? The one hy loved stood before hym, the complete and ultimate form, yet, nothing but bitterness filled hym. It was different when Dirk was split apart, his soul scattered in splinters across the multiverse. They were so vastly different, similar in senses, but very different. And his ultimate form, it was like a cruel joke. Because even with the difference in personality and ideals and overall self, every so often, hy can see hys Dirk bubbling under the surface.
Strongly Smothered but it was there, and hy hated it, it made everything hurt worse. Hys Dirk was dead, and he haunted hym in the most twisted way possible.
Finally making it to hys room, Ditzy retreated into the safe confines. Stumbling in the dimness to hys bed, with tears blurring hys vision as hy pulled the familiar puppet to hys arms.
The meeting replayed in hys mind, hy can't even remember the full details, not that they were ever fully revealed to hym, only how hys body felt like it was constantly in fight or flight. And Harvey, how much he reminded Ditzy as a dog, a loyal, blindsided, dog. Hy felt a bitter jealousy rise within hys chest, despite how stupid and immature it made hym feel.
Hy wasn't dumb to the meaning behind those longing glances, or how Harvey could seemingly get away with clinging to Dirk's arm (despite how annoyed he seemed). Hy doesn't think they're hiding their relationship status, but they haven't exactly bluntly stated it. Though, contrary to popular belief, Ditzy could read the room (sometimes) and knew exactly what was up. And hy hated it. Hy hated that after all hy suffered Harvey could take the one thing hy had in an instant, hated that he could do that and still have the winning hand. Why did he get to have someone? A version of the guy he murdered no less? Why did he get to appear happy and content while Ditzy was still drowning after all this time?
Hy sniffled, and buried hys face deeper into the plush of the puppet. Hy knew he'd feel immature for feeling that once hy's somewhat more calm, but hy couldn't help feeling it now.
Hy felt dumb for feeling so strongly about people whose minds didn't even hold a spec of space for hym, but hy supposed rationality didn't come with rage.
Glancing up, peeking over lil Cal’s shoulder, hy saw the picture of Dirk, hys Dirk, hy had hung when moving in. Instinctively hy held on tighter to the puppet, subconsciously simulating the feeling of hugging him.
Hy closed hys eyes, exhaustion catching up to hym, hys last thoughts wishing for a dreamless sleep.