Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Captain James POV written by my friend ‘Umbra.’
Havers POV (in italics) written by imashoutyghost

COMING HOME

The train was rather stuffy, the open windows did nothing to cool the train down in the summer heat. It was far too hot. Havers had removed his jacket and rolled up his sleeves, his mind kept drifting to thoughts of a particular Captain he hoped to see.

When they arrived at the station he was one of the last to get off, the gentleman he was always allowing others to go first. 

He stepped off the train onto a now nearly empty platform, jacket over one arm as he began to walk towards the exit. He hummed a tune as he went, happy to be back in the fresh air of the countryside; he may have to give up his tiny London flat for his heart now seemed to belong to Surrey.

It was a painstakingly long dreadful war. Every day since his departure the Captain missed his lieutenant’s soothing presence around Button House and in his life. Havers had been the keystone to their whole operation and upon his departure things became rather difficult to manage. He did his best to soldier on and hold his own as any good CO should but couldn’t help missing Havers’ infinite patience and help with the tasks.

He likes to think of himself as a strong man resolved to carry on for King and country carrying on his work with diligence an urgency but at night he couldn’t help turning on the old radio listening to the news hoping beyond all hope Havers would be safe. Even if it was a selfish thing to want, all he wished for is his safe return. The occasional secretive criptic letters they manage to send to one another helped soothe his anxieties assuring him his lieutenant is still alive but still with each passing week his nerves were on edge. Havers is a kind soul, the kind of man that was rare and to be treasured not wasted on war.

 In a moment of weakness he tracked Havers down through his deployment records and the locations he sent his correspondences from to Button House and after careful deliberation had a proper guess as to which train station he might arrive back on. It was such a foolish action unbecoming of a man of his status but every day he would travel to the train station and sit idle on one of the benches waiting worth baited breath to catch a glimpse of Havers. There was so much he had left unsaid that had ate away at him for almost four long years. So much he couldn’t say, shouldn’t say that threatened to escape his lips every time he was in his presence but the desire to see him outweighed the risk. He had to know he was alright.

As the last train rolled onto the platform he navigated through a sea of people looking for any sign of Havers. Eventually he looked past the sea of face and his heart skipped a beat spotting a soldier who had removed his uniform jacket crossing a platform. It has to be him- it just has to be. He picked up his pace threading his way through the crowd of people with urgency.

 “Havers? Havers!”

It would be impossible to hear him over all the voices and at such a distance, he would have to shout and that would draw in too much attention though his next plan of action was not much better. God he hopes he’s right otherwise he’s about to make an utter fool of himself. Quickening his pace as the crowd thins out he catches up with the tall figure reaching out to grab him by the upper arm almost out of breath from his rushing.

 “Havers!”

Anthony hoped there would be somewhere to either purchase some water or refill his after having finished his on the train. The heat radiating off of the train as it sat idly at the station was overwhelming so he moved quickly to get off the platform. The steam rolling off of the tracks making it seem as though he were walking alongside lava, and the smell of coal ensnaring his senses.

He managed to make it near the stations exit when he felt a pressure on his arm, a pressure that came accompanied by a voice he had committed to memory. But it couldn’t possibly…

He turned to see who was gripping his arm, and instantly smiled when he came face to face with his Captain. 

He was here, he was really here.

So many nights had passed since he has stared into those beauty blues. He had suffered through so much and had seen so many things he wished to never see, and yet the one thing that brought him through, was here in front of him. 

“James.” He said, breaking rank without even thinking.

 Simply happy to see him again, he reached out a hand to the Captain’s sleeve as though checking he were not a mere hallucination. 

After the grenade that left him with the scar over his left eye the doctor had said he might experience seeing things that weren’t really there as well as many other symptoms. For a moment Havers wondered if the universe was playing tricks on him. It would be just his luck to hallucinate about the one person he really wanted to see, and yet… with his fingers feeling the woollen sleeve Havers heart lurched out to reach for the other: he was here. 

“Captain” he corrected his former mistake, hoping the man wouldn’t dislike his use of his forename. 

Then, all at once, Havers was overcome with emotion. He was here, he had survived, they both survived. James was safe. Havers moved forward, bringing his arms around the Captain into a hug,  deliberately short as to not raise suspicion, but he would be damned if he didn’t at least hug the man he had missed most of all.

 “It’s so good to see you,” he whispered before pulling away.

When he turns around to face him it’s almost too much to take. The suspense and the fear is suffocating and when he finally sees those familiar soft brown eyes he feels a wave of relief wash over him. His words get stuck in his throat, he couldn’t think of anything to say in this very moment frozen in place. It’s him he’s really here. Hearing his name roll off Havers’ tongue makes his heart race every time.

 “You’re here… you’re back.” 

He almost can’t believe his own words his mind struggling to catch up to the realization taking in the sight of the man he had not seen in so many long years. He’s still just as striking, everything about him is so perfect. That smile melts away his insecurities and the cold loneliness he had grown accustomed to over the years out of a sense of duty.

 It takes him a few moments to acknowledge the large scarring that stretched across the left side of his face near his eye it made him no less handsome though he can’t help feeling a sharp pain in his chest knowing whatever it was Anthony had endured had been quite unpleasant. However here he is, standing before him safe and alive. His wish had been granted, Havers is alive and here they are, it’s enough to almost bring him to tears. 

Feeling Havers’ arms around him even if for a brief moment is grounding, the war in Europe is over he’s back, he’s truly back. He wishes rather selfishly they could stay like this forever wanting nothing more than to stay locked in his embrace to feed into those hidden desires he keeps locked inside his mind but it’s too dangerous. They could draw attention, in such a busy place as a train station. He’s been staring for too long and stumbles over his words struggling to remember even the basics of the English language. 

“I-it’s a relief to see you again Havers- I-it’s been a very long past few years without you. I-I mean at the House- the war- i-it’s all been so much.” 

He’s stumbling his way into the same old trap unable to speak the words he really wants to say. No, he would ruin it, ruin it all and shatter the blissful fantasy’s he could indulge in, in the safety of his mind. The words claw at the back of his throat and he fights not to say something damning the last thing he would want is to drive Havers away after he’s just found his way back to him.

Havers takes in the man’s fumbled words, so used to the way his Captain seemed to voice his thought process. He had missed his voice, it was so much better than he remembered it. James simply speaking made him feel more at home than arriving in his tiny flat three days ago did. It was a strange concept to miss one’s voice, and yet the relief upon seeing his Captain and hearing him speak was too much to bare.

Havers nodded at the man’s words. The Captain was right, it had been a lot. So much had happened since he had last seen him. There has been so many times he thought he would never make it home, never make it back, never make it back to him. The horrible thought alone had been enough to fuel him through, but in truth he was just one of the lucky ones. But now- now he was stood here and he wasn’t just one of the lucky ones, but the luckiest of all.

“Yes… I,” Havers blinked and shook his head as thought rather solemnly of the front, “‘so much’ is probably the only way to describe such atrocities… I.. sir.” 

He felt his hand reaching out for the sleeve again, his finger brushing against the other man’s hand before coming to his senses and pulling back again.

“But we pulled through ol’ chap,” Havers says, trying to focus on their victory. 

“And as promised,” he says lulling his head to the side with a smile, “I gave them more than a bloody nose sir.” He said, referencing one of their last conversations. 

Would the Captain even remember? Surely not, though it appeared the Captain missed him too, if his stammering words were anything to go by. Havers had committed the conversation to memory, had dreamed of the Captain telling him not to go. Though still while he couldn’t have that, he would ensure he at least had the next best thing, for as much was his attraction he had also missed his friendship with the man.

After stumbling over his words trying to find a line between the friendship that had formed between them and all the other overwhelming emotions that have been swimming through his mind he goes quiet deciding just to shut it and let Havers speak before he said something stupid himself. 

He kept noticing the look in his eyes almost like there is an occasional struggle to even focus on the present unable to stay grounded in reality and he wonders just how bad it truly is and how much Havers is not letting on. He wanted to grab his hand and and reassure him this is real, to reassure himself this is real but it would be too far. He wouldn’t have a good excuse for it and did not want to risk the backlash. 

There’s something so endearing about how Havers’ uses the words ol’ chap that it makes his face burn could easily be explained away by the heat. With Havers it’s always endearment and not a form of backhanded insult.

 An once again his words catch him off guard drawing a laugh from him in reply, “you still remember that old comment? It was years ago.” 

He’s all too amused and delighted Havers remembers it too. That day haunted him every day and night for the duration of the war. Oh how he had wanted to stop Havers, to do something to get him to stay but it would have been selfish, everyone needed to do their part in some way, and service was desperately needed at the front. It would have been almost bruising on traitorous to prevent Havers from going, no matter how much he… very much so cared for him.

A thought struck him rather suddenly and he hoped he was not keeping Havers from wherever he might be off to.

 “Oh- um are you off to that event for decorated officers? The one being hosted at our old command at Button House? I had intended to-“ is he really about to admit this? It would be tantamount to insinuating a crime. “I had intended to- well, stop by and search for you.” Though I doubt the would let me past the gates. I just- I just had to know you were alright.” Even saying this much felt so dangerous and he can’t help the uneasy glances around hoping they are not being intensely scrutinized.

Havers had been intending to go to Button House too, had hoped that perhaps he would bump into the Captain. He had already been to parties in London, his favourite so far being the street party hosted by the family of someone he had served with. Now however, the inclination of heading to Button House didn’t seem a priority, especially if James couldn’t follow him there.

As James says had wanted to make sure he was alright he finds his cheeks suddenly crimson.

 “Yes sir,” he says, his breath slightly raspy before he clears his throat. “I had also hoped to bump into you.. I’m glad you’re okay..sir.” 

He ducks his head, looking at his shoes to try and hide his own emotion. His heart beating erratically at the thought of the Captain having only come to Button House for a chance of seeing him.

The fact Havers seemed to have the same idea makes his heart pick up pace. He could swear he saw a tinge of red cover Anthony’s cheeks but he must be seeing things. He couldn’t possibly feel the same emotions he does every time he hears him say his name or sees that endearing smile. It’s just a traitorous little sliver of hope he shouldn’t entertain, no Havers couldn’t be like him. It’s just a hot day and all of the little tells are just small harmless gestures he’s read too far into. Of course he would be happy he is alright, they had served together it’s only natural, only normal. 

“Thank you Havers, I should let you get going then. I would hate to hold you up and cause you to be late to the festivities on my account.”

 He laughs nervously rocking back and forth from heel to toe as he sometimes is prone to do. Surely the event would be much more exciting to attend to catching up with old comrades over drinks, he can almost picture it in his mind. It’s a shame they don’t have said events for the other ranks but it is to be expected. Such gallantry should be honored in a class all its own, they are soldiers who served honorably in the face of danger they deserve as much.

Havers doesn't want to depart from him. To walk away from this train station and attend a party when he could be speaking to the Captain seemed like a crime in itself. No, it had been years since he had seen this man and he wasn't going to have his last memory of him be passing him by at a train station and then leaving him to visit the location in fell in l-... to visit the location they had served together without him. It seemed cruel.

Especially when it seemed the Captain had travelled here for a party he wasn't even allowed into. Curel indeed.

"Well sir to be frank, I don't think the party would be much fun without you," he says boldly, perhaps too boldly he thought. "And there are always other parties, but there's not another you."

He has a grin on his face and he lets out a soft laugh, "I'm sorry that was a rather odd thing to say." He scratches the back of his head, "perhaps we could find another way to spend the afternoon? If you would like to?"

“You’re too kind Havers, I’m afraid I’m really not that exciting at parties. Really I-i-uhm..” he trails off starting to ramble despite his best efforts not to. He always tended to fall back into the old habit and Havers remark doesn’t help turning him into a stammering mess.

 Does this man even realize how suave he is?? Good lord he is able to reduce him to a blushing stammering wreck of a man without even trying. He should be ashamed of himself these sort of juvenile infatuations are unbecoming of an officer, but he can’t help it selfishly enjoying the praise Havers gives so freely.

 “N-no! It’s quite alright! Really!” He remarks rather abruptly clearing his throat to try and cover for his error. He’s stunned that Havers would like to spend the afternoon together it’s more than he could have ever dreamed of. There are so many things they could do together now not under the imminent threat of war.

Havers almost frowns at that, his eyebrows raising in amusement. He found the Captain so endearing, such a polite man. His ex CO was becoming rather flustered and Havers somewhat liked that his words had that effect on him. Though it was more out of shock of Havers not wanting to go to a party rather than anything else, Anthony was certain of it.

Anthony simply shook his head, his next sentence treading on a thin line. "Come now James, I've rather missed you. I want to hear about how badly the Button XI did without me." 

He smirks. He hoped he wasn't too obvious, he was definitely being more open than he would usually. But the war was over, and now was a time of peace. Maybe that was all going to his head a bit, for the world was not going to be perfect, but right now with a victory under his belt Havers felt somewhat unstoppable. Braver.

Good lord the heat is absolutely stifling outside. He puts up quite a fight trying to keep himself together and not allow his emotions to run away with him but despite the valiant effort it crumbles to bits at Havers’ smirk. It could melt iron, this man is going to utterly ruin him and he couldn’t hope to stop it. For years he has repressed these emotions and attractions now all at once they threaten to all spill out.

 He manages a short laugh peering back at Havers, “we jest yet there is more truth to that then you might think. If you are serious about wanting to- well spend the afternoon together my schedule is free, I would be happy to be in your company. Might I suggest grabbing a pint, the heat today is rather stifling.”

The laugh that escapes the Captain's lip causes a warm soothing feeling to lay over Anthony's chest. To Havers, it were the most beautiful sound in the world. One he had missed so deeply. Havers chuckles, he remembers very well how the Button XI used to play, and even Havers had to admit the Captain was somewhat biased when it came to how good his cricketing skills were; though Anthony took the praise nonetheless.

The former Lieutenant offers the other man a grin, nodding yet again, "Oh a pint sounds wonderful!" He says, "come on let's cut through the lane." 

Then he's turning, gesturing for the Captain to follow. As they make their way off the train platform Havers keeps looking back to make sure James was still there, almost as if checking he were not dreaming. Perhaps some part of him still couldn't quite believe it.

“Right! I will let you lead the way then Havers.” He remarks as he seems to know the short cuts better than he himself does.

Chapter Text

 It’s a relief to be moving again the air’s resistance offering some type of relief from the heat and the brisk walking pace is a welcomed distraction from the overwhelming cocktail of emotions he finds himself facing walking alongside Havers. It’s difficult to keep pace with him but he manages staying at his side lagging only a step behind occasionally catching Havers’ gaze. 

He still finds it hard to fathom that after all these many years of waiting and hoping, of listening to the radio for updates on the war, and fearing sifting through the morning’s post and finding a telegram informing him of his demise. His worries never came to fruition and he couldn’t be happier for it, his lieutenant is alive and well and right by his side. He is relieved when they reach the pub ducking inside to escape the heat of the sun.

The pub isn’t too crowded, parties were being held elsewhere in the village and there’s only one bartender because other members of staff are helping cater at said party events.

It’s also slightly cooler in the pub, a credit to the open windows and closed curtains to try and stop the sun rays. Havers approaches the bar, bringing his hand through his hair and then into his pocket to grab his wallet. He greets the bartender kindly, orders two pints and pays for both before following the Captain to a small table for two towards the back. He’s thankful James has chosen a spot nearer the fan that pushed air around the room, the breeze hitting his neck has an instant cooling effect as he sits down.

He holds up his drink, “to new beginnings sir,” he says, clinking his glass against James’s.

It comes as a relief that the pub is not too crowded otherwise with everyone bumping into one another it would have been stiflingly hot. It takes his eyes a moment to adjust to the darker room but with the fans running it offers a refreshing cool atmosphere.

 He risks a glimpse at Havers as they approach the bar together regarding him in the low light. How he can walk into any establishment without every young lady wanting to hang off his arm is almost unfathomable to him. He happens to catch sight of him running his fingers through his hair growing distracted. Is it just him or had he grown it out a bit past regulation length? He could get caught up in all the little details about Havers for hours but they are still in public and he is still weary of wandering eyes. 

He moves to stutter out a protest, "Havers- it's quite alright really I can pay for my own there's no need for you to-" but he's cut off from finishing the thought letting out a defeated amused sigh grabbing the cold glass and leading them over to the secluded spot he spied from the doorway. 

It is a relief to finally sit down not having realized just how long they had stood talking on the platform and quickly raises his glass.

 "To new beginnings." He couldn't agree more, these must be exciting times for Havers to finally be back home with the war finally over and still being a young bachelor there is so much to look forward to in life.

Havers takes a sip of his beer, the cool drink on his lips is bliss in this heat. He licks his tongue over his upper lip, already missing the coolness of it and therefore takes another quick sip before setting the drink down on the brown wooden table. He smiles at the Captain whose sat across from him nursing his own drink.

 “God I needed that,” Havers laughs, trying not to think about how good James looked when he was slightly sweaty. The glistening he could just make our under the collar of the man’s shirt should not be something he should’ve noticed because he shouldn’t have been looking. 

But as the Captain takes another sip Havers finds himself looking at the man’s neck again, just for a moment, eyes bulging at the way his neck moved as the liquid was swallowed. He distracts himself, looking at one of the menus left on the table. Maybe something simple like chips would do until supper, would the Captain want lunch or had he already eaten?

In a moment of indecisiveness he chose to have whatever Havers decided to order for himself and he had to agree that the coolness of a couple of good drinks does wonders to drive away the heat. He laughs along with Havers wondering if it had been similarly hot in North Africa. The thought briefly crossing his mind as he peers over at him noticing the African sunlight has left Havers' with a tan stretching across his cheeks. His breath is stuck in his throat and he endeavors to distract himself indulging in the coolness of his drink trying to keep those treacherous observations to himself. 

All the years apart have done nothing to dull how much he fancies his lieutenant to his chagrin. He had made the effort to stop, to burry those emotions and all of the fleeting touches and glances held for too long that fed his fantasies but it had been a battle fought in vain. Perhaps there is no harm in indulging in these selfish fantasies, but he mustn't let them seep into their reality. As Havers glances over the menu he endeavors to strike up a conversation with an easy going smile. 

"So Havers, now that the war in Europe has ended do you have any plans for after? Surely you must have something in mind, I imagine these are quite exciting times for you."

“Exciting indeed,” he says with a smile, looking up from the menu. “I have to say past eating chips I don’t have any current plans.” He laughs, shaking his head and then sitting back.

 He eyes the Captain, unsure if he should say.

“You know…” his face turns more serious all of a sudden. This was something that meant a lot to Havers, something important that he had only voiced so far to his eldest sister and no-one else.

“When I was in Africa, Italy and so forth.. I would meet locals, try and get them to safety and so on. Sometimes we would shelter together in the night, and…well this is maybe a little silly but I found myself in times of waiting, telling stories to the kids and..well,” a small smile is on his lips as he thinks about the memory, “you know it was amazing. Seeing their faces light up and hanging onto my every word. The Italian tutoring I had in my youth definitely paid off that’s for sure.” 

He chuckles and tilts his head trying to gauge the Captain’s reaction. Would he think him silly? It’s certainly not the army and not something expected from a Major that’s for sure.

 “I think I found my calling a little bit..” he says, “telling stories?” He brings his hand to his face slightly embarrassed, “a pipe dream of course,” he lets out another laugh and takes a sip of his drink once more.

Havers' endless wit always manages to garner a laugh from him. The atmosphere between them is so relaxed and familiar it gives him the permission to relax. To let the part of him bound by obligation disappear for a while allowing parts of himself to show underneath the professional mask his rank offers him. 

Eagerly he listens issuing Havers a relaxed smile. "I would say you certainly have found a calling in it. It's a noble thing Havers and I believe you will be bally good at it if you want to pursue it and I think you should."

 He's always great at everything he does or perhaps its just his affections that make him prone to exaggerating Havers' praises, but indeed he is remarkable. He had been gifted a level of kindness and patience that is rare to find in their at times dismal world. His love for telling stories is endearing though the revelation comes with a slight sting. 

Havers must be a family man as well to already have a love for children. He should have suspected it from such a kind soul but still there's a sting of disappointment something that he is no stranger to at this point in his life time. 

"Do you want to settle down and have children of your own then? Or perhaps just working with them? You could very well become a writer too if its something you wanted." 

Why would he ask that question? Just to keep digging himself into a deeper hole? James you're a bally fool.

Havers smiles somewhat bashfully at the comment, ducking his head slightly in modesty. His cheeks a tad rosy, his shiny eyes smile for him. 

“Thank you sir..I just might.” He grins, sipping his drink once more.

There’s a flicker of something in James' eyes, and Havers knows he’s seen it before. It’s a look he has seen on the man many a time but it was an expression he couldn’t work out. 

Then he was asking about children and settling down and Havers had to ignore the twisting of his gut. Of course he had thought about children, he loved being an uncle, but he knew that’s all he could ever be. Of course, he had thought about if he would have to marry simply because of expectation and those thoughts came with mixed feelings. It came with a sense of duty to be a man in the 1940s where the convention was to marry a pretty girl and have children. Being a father sounded ideal, being a husband to a woman did not.

 He had decided a long time ago, while thinking of his homosexuality, that he would take care of any wife that he would end up with. But that’s exactly how it would feel, ‘ending up’ with them. Could he be happy pretending? Especially when the object of his affections was right here? Havers could conjure up images in his mind of a future with James. A future that could only happen in his mind but a happy future nonetheless.

“I take my title as Uncle Anthony very seriously,” he says thinking of his nieces and nephew. 

“Though I think I’ll stick to writing stories.” He swallows, is it rude he’s deliberately ignoring the question of settling down? “What about you? Popping the question to someone lucky now we’re at peace?”

He is rather relieved that Havers decided to carefully step around the question not sure if he could really bear having that conversation. He not notice anything particularly odd about Havers' avoidance of the topic so used to dodging this particular line of questioning himself. Having brought it up was a foolish mistake and he would be more careful to not do it again. The sudden question causes him to freeze.

 "What-" One could almost hear the record scratch from where he had momentarily stopped thinking a flicker of panic passing over his expression before quickly covering it with a laugh. "No! no- heavens no-" perhaps that is a bit too insistent, good lord how is he going to talk his way out of this corner.

 "I ah- never had the time, always been rather busy with the army. Married to the job as some might say! Nothing ever came up- not really the type. I might just stay in the service or take up some administrative position somewhere. Although perhaps if I did ever leave I would take up something like copy editing or some type of organization job." 

Redirecting the conversation seems like the best course of action before Havers could notice any irregularities which there were several. There had been more than enough time to entertain such luxuries during the interwar years when he was not so heavily involved with the service, almost everyone his age had been involved with a lover if not multiple. He had expressly avoided social situations that encouraged such activities, often turning down invitations to gatherings or to pubs in the local area to simply avoid having to talk to women. 

Often he spent his younger years in the library and it might have contributed to why he has stayed in the army as long as he has on top of loving the security the position had offered him. Even if it did not necessarily pay all that well and there had been the imminent threat of death upon the war breaking out it had treated him kindly and he was lucky to have been posted to Button House and not somewhere closer to London and other centralised areas that were struck by bombings. He returns to his drink hoping for a brief respite from the topic of conversation.

Havers can almost see the cogs turning in his ex superiors mind, and all the emotions his face seems to experience in a coupes of seconds.

It was strange to think someone as handsome as the Captain hadn’t been snatched up. Then again some of the men had been rather unkind in their words about the man at Button House, not awful but almost similar to school age bullying. Havers never understood the dislike for such a fascinating man.

Though admittedly he was somewhat relieved at the Captain’s lack of attachment in that way, he doesn’t know if he could successfully bare witness to watching the man he lo-, he cared for be with someone else.

Havers listened, nodding, he thought the Captain would thrive anywhere due to his diligent manner and excellent planning skills. 

Which he relayed in turn: “well that sounds right up your alley. You’re the most organised and thorough person I know, any organisation or editing companies would be lucky to have you.”

 He smiles, tilting his head, “I could hire you as an editor then, how about that?” He jokes, a soft laugh leaving his lips and he meets the Captain’s gaze, were his eyes always that blue?

He is rather relieved that the line of questioning goes no further, his face brightening at the praise from Havers. 

"Thank you Havers, that's very kind and I would certainly be open to working with you again in the future." He knows it is a joke but can't help the soft smile the very idea brings to his face.

He would love to stay in regular contact with Havers, now that the war is behind them it would be difficult to come up with excuses to keep his company. He supposes he should cherish the evening while it lasts as afterwards it would be back to living alone in a flat he could barely afford. 

He supposes he could have just played the role he was supposed to as a man, get married, have a family get one of the many jobs that were typical for men to have. Yet he just couldn't bring himself to do it, no matter how dull and lonely the days could be after long hours of deliberation he came to the conclusion that it is in fact better than forcing himself into a life not meant for him. Maybe getting out of the city would do him good, moving back out somewhere in the countryside away from the crowded streets, somewhere like Button House. However it would have to wait, being on his own it would not be a easy feat to pull off. 

Taking advantage of the temporary lull in conversation he also grabs himself something quick to eat managing to quickly place it on a separate tab before Havers can protest.

 "Is there anywhere you would like to go? There is still time left in the day and I did not have any plans."

 Other than waiting the day away by the train platform hoping to see you, was the bit that went unsaid. He truly did not plan this far ahead only knowing that he had wanted to find Havers and had a good guess as to where he would be. He had taken off to the station without so much as having a proper plan, it had been truly unlike him.

Havers opens his mouth to protest but immediately closes his mouth, smiling knowingly at the Captain. Then he’s speaking again and Havers bites his lip in thought, a habit that his mother had told him he got from his father (and having lost his dad at 8 years old, he wasn’t going force himself to stop doing something that made him feel closer to him - no matter how unbecoming it seemed).

He tries to think what they could do, which is hard because the last few years everything has been for king and country and his fellow man. Now however, with a sudden freedom at his feet, he finds himself simply wanting to be in the presence of the man currently sat with him.

He thought about what people usually did on hot days to cool off and he remembers that extremely hot day at Button House where they headed to the lake. Would that be something James would be interested in? The idea of swimming around with James in a lake was, interesting. It would certainly cool them off, and no doubt it would be fun to splash the other man. Then there’s the aspect of-

He takes a quick swig, putting his finger into his collar and pulling at it. Was it suddenly getting hot on here?

“Lake” he says. His eyes widening in a panic as he simply drops the syllable and stops. He normally has such a handle on things but now he was doing a terrible job.

 “I mean, perhaps we could go to the nearest lake? It’s a nice day for a swim.” He tussles his slightly growing fringe to hide his face.

He glances over at Havers taking a sip of his drink having noticed this particular habit before. He's always found it rather endearing and never pointed it out enjoying all the small ticks Havers has. He had noticed quite a few small quirks about Havers during their tenure at Button House together how he bites his lip being one of them. He's so caught up in his memories of Button House that he is almost startled out of his thoughts by Havers' words chuckling fondly. Seems they both have a lot on their minds today and the stifling heat does nothing to help.

 "That sounds lovely, since it is such nice weather for a swim I imagine the beach will be rather crowded, the lakes will be a better spot to escape the crowds. Yes it's a splendid idea Havers." 

He would probably have agreed to anything that Havers had suggested just to stay in his company not giving too much thought to the specifics forgetting the fact they did not have swim clothes still in their uniforms.

Havers grins, “I think I know just the spot.”

Chapter Text

Said spot, about an hour later, is a somewhat secluded lake deeper into the forest. Havers knew of it not from his time at Button House, but from his boyhood where he and his two sisters would go exploring. While Havers lived in London with his mum and his sisters, his grandparents had lived in Surrey. And when they past away his eldest sister had moved into their little bungalow which alternately caused Havers to ask a transfer from London to somewhere near her when the war started.

This was something he spoke to the Captain about as they walked through the trail, after having been asked how he knew his way round so well.

“I’m glad I transferred sir, working with you… well I think we compliment each other really well. He placed his hand on the man’s shoulder, patting it jovially with a smile before moving forward excitingly to what seemed a dead end.

“Okay here we are, welcome to the secret garden…” he giggled and pulled back some overgrown foliage. There, perfectly secreted, was a small lake. Reasonably large with a little waterfall which carried on downstream.

Even though this location Havers is taking them too is about an hour out it is one of the most pleasant hours of time to have passed for him in a long while. Being able to spend time even just talking to Havers without the threat of war looming over their heads is something excitingly new. Hearing about his family and getting to know his lieutenant on a more personal level leaves a warm feeling in his chest knowing Havers trusts him enough to share. 

“Well, sounds like you and your sisters had quite the adventurous childhood.” He remarks listening fascinated almost able to live vicariously through Havers’ tales having not had any siblings himself. He has to remind himself to glance down at their path on occasion so as to not trip and make a fool of himself. Where they were going certainly is far out of the way and he’s quite glad for Havers’ experience in navigating the area otherwise he would have become lost trying to get there.

 Havers’ hand on his shoulder makes his heart skip a beat his face heating up, “yes, I-I couldn’t agree more, I think we do as well.” 

It would be dangerous to read into those words and get his hopes up but he allows himself a brief moment to selfishly believe that Havers’ words are what he wants to hear. Reaching the lake it is truly a beautiful sight hidden amongst the brush and trees almost undetectable except for the faint sounds of rushing water in the stream. 

“This is certainly the sight, I image not many people would ever find this place if they did not know where to look.”

 There’s something almost reassuring about the notion, it offering up a chance of escape from the need to be perpetually cautious. This is a haven away from prying eyes somewhere where they could exist in private and not be found it’s truly remarkable that there are places like this that still exist in small corners of England.

“No, and call me selfish but I rather hope that it stays that way.” He chuckles softly, as they near the waters edge. 

“This is top secret sir,” he offers a wink. He peers into the water, thinking of all the time he has spent here. He was very close to his sisters, Elaine and Daisy. 

Catching his reflection he thought about how only his older sister Elaine, the one who had moved into their grandparents cottage, was the only one who knew his deepest secret. He hated having to hide himself from Daisy, but being Uncle Anthony to her daughters and son was a welcome distraction to his buried secrets whenever he went to her home. He hoped to see her soon, having only received written correspondence from both of his sisters during the war. He missed them both dearly, and looked forward to seeing Elaine soon. Looking at his own face, he purses his lip. The lines of his scar seeming so much more red as the reflection of it dance above the water. Then he shy’s away from the sight of his scar, still not used to seeing it whenever he looked in the mirror.

He isn’t sure why he had brought the Captain here, it was a dangerous game he was playing with himself. Here they were alone, secluded, separated from the rest of the world. As a teen he had always felt safe here, slipping away from his grandparents momentarily to get away from the conventions of society.

“I used to daydream about bringing someone special here,” he says, “I’m glad you’re here..” he swallows salvia anxiously realising what he had said. “Safe- I’m glad you’re safe. I worried about Button House terribly while posted abroad.”

That wink goes straight to his face turning his cheeks a slight red managing a slight chuckle trying to conceal his nerves.

 “I-I ah- Well then your secret is safe with me.” He really needs to get a grip on this stuttering it is utterly ridiculous for someone of his station.

 He looks on watching Havers quietly as he peer down at the water appearing serene even when lost in thought. Now in better lighting he could get a better look at the scar on Havers’ face wondering what must have happened in order to cause such a mark wondering if it was safe to ask. It does nothing to detract from his appearance if anything it somehow makes him more roguish handsome if such a thing were even achievable.

 He had been looking away when Havers mentions bringing someone special and a good thing too his cheeks burning in a way he couldn’t explain away with sunlight, feeling hot under the collar his tie suffocatingly tight. It’s such an odd thing to say- perhaps there is a chance? A small chance? That Havers might be inclined towards the same way. He tries not to allow the thought to go to his head not wanting to face the soul crushing disappointment of finding out that was not so, but, a traitorous part of his heart still hopes so even if it would only ever be safe to admire him from afar.

 “Yes well I worried about you too, I listened to the radio everyday for updates on the many fronts, kept hoping the war would end sooner, I’m glad you made it back.” He worries he might be crossing a line taking a step a bit too far playing favorites amongst his old unit. Would it be too obvious? He hopes not and internally runs through a checklist of rehearsed excuses to explain away his peculiar words should it come to it.

His heart fluttered when the Captain said he had worried for him. Of course he presumed the Captain meant he worried about the men on the front lines in general. But for a moment he let himself believe in how the words sounded, that the Captain worried for the men on the front lines but more so him.

Havers cracks a smile as James speaks, placing his jacket on a nearby rock and turning to face the Captain fully. He nods because it was good to be back, it felt like waking from a nightmare. He was lucky. Which was perhaps the reasoning for him dropping his guard slightly now at home, because life was so short.

The Captain being glad that he’s back, made him think about all the women who had greeted their husbands and lovers with public kisses and hugs at the train station. It was unfair. To think he was hiding out here amongst the leaves with someone he wished he could experience those things with, and still couldn’t run the risk of attempting a kiss out of fear of jail time.

The air was hot but his internal rage that he always managed so well to hide made him feel even hotter, he undid his top button.

“I’m glad to be back too,” he says, “I haven’t missed English weather at all though.” He laughs, able to make light of his internal struggle by talking to his favourite person made the struggle itself worth it. He pulls of his tie and starts to unbutton his shirt.

“Now I don’t know about you but I’m going for a much needed swim.” As he unbuttons his shirt he kicks off his shoes, not caring so much about his bare white socks getting grass stains on them.

His stomach still has some light bruising on it from his last few days at the front, mostly healed and a light green. As he took of his shirt he self consciously checked it, his eyes off the Captain momentarily.

He laughs quietly along with Havers momentarily still distracted by the glittering waters of the remote lake unaware of his companion’s inner turmoil. One of the rays of light bouncing off the water hits his eyes temporarily blinding him forcing him to look away back to Havers in time to witness him unbutton the first button of his uniform shirt and pull off his tie. Oh good lord he had forgotten about the fact swimming required them to take off their clothes. His breath catches in his throat as he desperately grapples for control over his expression. When had he got so close? Oh good lord it’s almost too much he shouldn’t be looking the mere sight of Havers has him burning up his face crimson. 

He turns away quickly stepping over to where he has placed his jacket focusing on removing his own and his belt. He really shouldn’t look- there would be no explanation that could be given to excuse such behavior. It’s something unspeakable he couldn’t even fathom doing yet can’t help stealing a glance over at Havers. Discreetly he lets his eyes wander over him. Of course it’s only natural to admire the man’s physique he’s a fine soldier, however it’s a flimsy excuse for his behavior. It isn’t normal admiration it comes from a place he wouldn’t dare to admit to, the same place that makes him wake up in a cold sweat from dreams that leave him mortified for hours after. He struggles to shake the thoughts from his head unable to shake the flush from his face. 

“Right! Yes! Don’t wait on my accord I will be right over!” He needed a moment to catch his breath.

Havers glances over at the Captain, “okay,” he says with a smile. Though he notices his ex superiors reddening face he doesn’t say anything, it was a very hot day and they had been walking for at least an hour straight after all.

He throws his shirt with his braces down next to the rock he has placed his jacket and then removes his belt. It doesn’t take him long to shimmy his way out of his trousers, and then he’s hopping around on one foot to take off his socks. With one sock successfully removed he chucks it beside the rock. Then he switches to the other leg, hopping around in his briefs as he bends his leg to grab the last remaining sock. As he grabs the end of the toe and successfully pulls off the sock, he fumbles slightly. Letting out a surprised gasp, he falls down onto the grass.

“Man down!” He groans before letting out a giggle and rolling onto his back. Looking up through the trees to the sky he takes a breath, he had always found looking up at the sky through the leaves one of natures greatest wonders. It was beautiful.

Then the Captain’s concerned expression enters his vision, as the man stands over him obviously coming to check Anthony is okay after his fall. Havers can’t help but think that somehow James has made the picture even more breathtaking than it was a moment before. 

“God damn,” he whispers in a low raspy voice and then he collects himself. “100% planned this.”

He moves his hands behind his head as though merely relaxing on the grass.

“No accidents here.” He giggles.

He blinks, letting his eyes catch the Captain’s bare legs before he blinks quickly again. He had to move before the urge to simply reach out over took him.

“Come on,” he says standing suddenly. “I bet the waters lovely.” Then he’s running to the water and jumping in a practised motion from years gone by.

He had just barely come out of his clothes having to fight through his own nerves when he saw Havers fall over out of the corner of his eye and quickly abandons the attempts to fold their discarded clothes in favor of checking on him worriedly leaning over him.

“Are you alright?” Of course he is- he’s a soldier there’s no need to fret so much over him, yet the bruising already present on his stomach had him concerned for what injuries he might already have that he wasn’t made aware of. He tries not to let his eyes wander focusing intently instead on Havers’ eyes even then it’s a dangerous endeavour. Everything about him is beautiful but especially his eyes. If he looks long enough he swears he can see flecks of gold in his rich hazel eyes.

The look on Havers’ face is something to behold and the way he mutters under his breath like that makes his pulse race. He planned all this? For what? What reason? Was it all for-oh of course he just meant falling over as a joke. It still garners him an amused smile from James happy to see some of that playful demeanour return to Havers he once had as a fresh recruit showing up to Button House. It brings back many warm memories and quickly before he can make a fool of himself he joins Havers in the lake though not jumping in the cold water is still no less a welcome distraction.

Havers pops out of the water, wiping his short fringe back. His wet face glistens in the sun as the water droplets drip from his hair. The water is cool from being partly shaded under the tree branches, though flickers of light dance off the ripples caused by the two of them.

He has to stop himself admiring the salt and peppery hair that decorates the other man’s chest, and instead dove under the water and swam towards the Captain. He could see the man’s muscled legs, kicking slightly to keep the man afloat. Havers couldn’t help but admire them, thinking of how fast his Captain could run. With muscles like that it was obvious why.

Just before he reached him Havers pops out of the water, now directly in front of James. “Boo!”

He giggles, hair dripping from his fringe yet again and pushing it back. He’s smiling, nearly chest to chest with the other man.

The place is truly something remarkable and the water pleasantly cold to keep away the summer heat. It’s not a very deep lake in most places but more than enough to swim around in.

Havers almost manages to startle him managing to get so close to him in the water but it doesn’t catch him off guard in a way expecting him to try it.

He has certainly loosened up a bit after the war if they were back at Button House he might have been harder to convince or merely had sat under a tree in the shade allowing himself the smallest of breaks. It is always very difficult to get him to take a honest break being the kind of person that does not slow down easily but Havers had managed it as he’s managed to convince him of so many other things.

He tries not to keep repeatedly getting distracted by that smile enjoying seeing it on Havers’ face. It’s such a relief to know he is well and back within the local area that they could still talk with one another and catch up from time to time. It puts his mind at ease and lets him relax with a soft smile watching how the rays of light reflect off the water and on Havers’ wet hair.

It’s been a long time coming, a chance to properly relax. He’s enjoyed the small time since the war has ended, mostly visiting family and enjoying being able to rest by the fire with a book again. Now however, here with the Captain he feels a real sense of tranquility. He had felt a similar sensation during his time at Button House but being at war had clouded over it, they were too busy to truly bask in the happiness of being with each other.

Getting to see the Captain again seems like an amazing stroke of luck, and Havers is so thankful that it seems them knowing each other seems like fate. How he feels about James definitely makes it seem that way. He moves to lay back on the water, allowing himself to float aimlessly. He could relax like this forever, especially with the company he currently had.

He could watch Havers all day that sense of tranquility carrying over to him as well. There is so much he wants to ask about but finds it hard to break the silence not wanting to bring up bad memories.

"This reminds me of the days being stationed at Button House sitting out by the lake in the summer breeze watching you and the others from the unit horse around." He settles for that statement, something innocuous and easy to engage with, not directly connected to his service in Africa.

He would not exactly relax at least not currently, swimming from one end of the small stretch of shoreline to another getting some exercise in refusing to give it up even when it is no longer demanded from him as part of the war effort. Despite the war having ended he still holds himself to impossibly high standards having not seemed to unwind completely, a part of him still effected by the war. He had wish he could have done more, the months of listening to the radio hoping for good news and praying he did not hear worse had worn him down. The letters from Havers helped but the times in-between their correspondences had been the worst. There was always the lingering fear something had happened and even now when he is here with Havers trying to relax he can't quiet let that worrying go.

Perhaps it would get better with time but for now he continues trying to push past it just discreetly admiring Havers when he can afford to take the risk, allowing himself to commit just a slight social infraction.

“Oh yes those days were lovely weren’t they?” Havers says watching as the Captain swim past for the fourth time, “I used to enjoy all the water games, especially bulldog good god,” Havers chuckles slightly thinking of now they used to mess about trying to do the playground game in the water.

“Oh and of course, and the lake on Button House estate was beautiful wasn’t it? I used to look over and see you on the grass and think ‘wow this is such a beautiful spot, how lucky are we to be posted here’.” Havers smiles at the memory and then as the Captain goes to swim past for the fifth time-

“I can also recall…” he starts, moving to intercept the man, he holds onto his arm gently. “That you were unable to relax then too.” He tilts his head to the side, almost as though trying to analyse the man.

Anthony admired the Captain’s work ethic so much, it was one of the things he initially found attractive about the other man. It seemed though that James struggled to relax, he had been noticing all day how he seemed to be keeping up to some sort of internal standard. He wondered what exactly happened in the Captain’s past to make him do that, everyone had a story; a past, afterall.

Anthony himself had to relax, couldn’t think about things too much because he knows the sadness from the front and the things he saw would drive him mad. Havers could only imagine what it must’ve been like for the other man, who wanted to help so much but couldn’t go to the front on the account of his dickey heart.

“You know me and the men did wonderful things because of you sir, I wouldn’t have survived if it weren’t for your training…you… you saved me, a lot of men. You prepared us for the worst and ensured we had the skills needed for the front I-,” he moves his hands to the man’s face as if trying to ground him, taking in the man’s expression and hoping he wasn’t offending the man.

Soulful brown eyes stared into eyes of sea blue, “I mean it James, I owe my life to you. You were given boys and you made us men.”

He lets his thumb stroke the man’s cheek, this was most unbecoming of a former Lieutenant and his Captain and yet it felt so right.

“I’m here for you,” he says softly, “it’s okay to let your guard down a little, I’ll share the blame if anything happens.” He smiles softly and moves in, hugging the man like he truly wanted to.
Now that they weren’t at a train station surrounded by many people he felt safe enough to. “I got you.”

He glances over at Havers with a guilty sheepish look on his face pausing as they found their footing on a large rock the water being shallow enough to stand on it and still be able to keep ones shoulders out of the water.

He knows it is true he would not be able to deny it. He rarely ever relaxed for any length of time in his life always finding it a difficult if not near impossible task. He's been on edge his entire life for one reason or another always having something to conceal. If he didn't hide his strange behaviors he would face ridicule and insults which only became worse as a adult when he could not measure up to being the proper man that society and even his own father expected from him.

The war was his last chance at it, at being a "proper man" in the way that society would accept him for and yet again he came up short. There is a lot he still keeps to himself never sharing it with anyone, not many people would be very forgiving or accepting of his irregularities. Havers is the first, and about the only person he has ever felt comfortable enough to fully confide in, even then he withholds information not wanting to drive him away. He always seems to know what is going on in his mind even if he could not speak it, and always knew what to say.

His expression softens at Havers' words. Had he really been a good Captain? Sometimes it is hard to believe that someone like him could have been capable of giving his unit a fighting chance. He had always did his best to, he gave everything he had sharing all the knowledge he had to give but it still never felt like enough. It's hard to see his accomplishments for what they are when overshadowed by the suffocating sense of self doubt.

He swallows breath catching in his throat feeling the heat radiating from Havers' hands even before he rests them on his face. The sensation is overwhelming in the best way possible bringing him back down to earth temporarily dispelling all those insecurities in favor of focusing on Havers' eyes. He's relieved for the rock under their feet for if it hadn't been there he surely would have forgotten how to swim at the sound of his name on those lips, good lord do not look down at them there would be no disguising it.

He doesn't deserve such kindness and patience its almost enough to bring him to tears as loath as he is to admit it. He should move back away and put more distance between them, it would be the right thing to do, but it's not what he wants to do. What he wants is something terrifying... it would be so easy too easy to lean forward to press his lips to Havers' its something he's thought about so many times that it's dangerous.

Havers would be wasted on a person like him and it keeps him at bay but not enough to want to pull back away from him selfishly wanting that closeness as its all he could ever hope for. He's at a loss for words worried if he says something he will choke up and make a fool of himself. Luckily he doesn't have to say anything at all for the time being letting Havers pull him into a embrace even when they should have pulled away from each other and he wraps his arms loosely around Havers' waist when he shouldn't.

He is so lucky, so unbelievably lucky to have met this kind man, he is everything he wishes he could have but couldn't. Even still he's remarkably lucky to have even had a moment of time together and if this is all there is to them he could be content.

"I-" He sighs having forgotten how to speak for a spell. "Thank you, Anthony... I suppose we both have a lot to work through don't we."

He tries to joke about it, it's easier than talking, it's more comfortable.

"It's complicated, perhaps in the future there will be more time to talk about it."

Right now though he did not want to ruin this time they have together.

Havers chuckles softly at the other man’s joke, the sound of it muffled from where he rests his forehead on the other man’s shoulder. He listens as the man continues to speak, and oh how he wishes he could wrap the man up in cotton wool and protect him from the world.

He turns his head slightly, and looks to the skin of his neck. It would be so easy to simply kiss at the vein he saw there, move up the man’s neck to his jaw and then to his lips. Those thoughts were dangerous, but thoughts Havers couldn’t seem to stop when it was pertaining the Captain.

He wanted to understand him, to learn everything: everything that made him laugh, everything that made him worry, his favourite breakfast, his favourite novelists, did he prefer cats or dogs? There were so many questions, and now with the war over it seemed there was time to explore those answers. In another life where perhaps he wasn’t cursed with homosexuality and he was able to love freely, he could learn the man inside and out.

Despite this he would take what he could get now. He would allow himself the pleasure of being the man’s friend if that’s what he wanted, and if not he would always have this moment right now to dream of. With the water acting as though protecting them from the outside world, and the warm touch of the other man feeling so heavenly he would later second guess if any of it had been real at all.

“Well no matter how complicated,” Havers says, allowing himself to rest on the man’s shoulder a bit longer, “and no matter how long it takes… I’ll be here alright?”

Havers knows he should pull back, knows that this is somewhat greedy of him to simply remain holding the man. He can’t help but want to comfort the man, and also feel comforted by the presence of him. He feels now that as he’s finally able to hold him, then why would he want to let go?

He pulls back slightly, still keeping his arms hooked under the Captain’s arms and offers the man a smile. He’ll have to let go soon, but he would be damned if he didn’t look into those beauty blues from such close proximity at least one more time; and what beauties they are.

He is truly quite fortunate to have met this man, Havers always knows what to say and those words lift a weight off his shoulders he had not realized had been affecting him so much. No one has ever been so patient with him before often either not caring to know or becoming annoyed at his own reluctance to simply man up and move past his own insecurities. It was expected of him being a Captain, in fact it is expected he should not allow himself to be vulnerable to such a weakness but he is only human.

Having such a kind soul as Havers afford him time an patience he never experienced before it nearly brings him to tears a second time and he struggles to get himself under control before Havers pulls back putting a more acceptable albeit unwanted distance between them.

He looks off to the side smiling sheepishly, "Yes alright."

He could agree to that, perhaps it would in time help but right now he just wants to enjoy this time together. He did not move away from Havers even once, allowing the contact and relishing in it while it lasts. Eventually he finds it in him to once again meet Havers' eyes the smile on his face making his heart melt. He can't help wondering what is going on in Havers' mind wondering if he might be thinking similar lines of thought to him. It's a foolish hope but a part of him still wishes he feels even a fraction of what he does so that he might know how lovely it is to be in his presence.

Havers let’s his eyes linger on his face a moment, perhaps a moment too long but it’s nice. Nice to admire his beautifully pocked face, one that he had dreamed of seeing again for so long.

“Alright” he echos, a little breathlessly.

He has to step away, in case it’s obvious what effect the Captain has on him below waist level.

He clears his throat, “good.” Anthony says, and then turns to swim.

He had to put distance between them now. He swims towards the back to the deeper end and dives under, grabbing a stone and then swimming back up again.

“You any good at skimming?” He throws the stone in a direction away from them both, the stone skimming over the top of the water and creating circular ripples.

The prolonged gazes should be a red flag but he does not regard it to be too wrapped up in the pleasant comfort of it all. He misses the moment the minute it’s gone but smiles to himself deciding he was lucky to have had the chance at all and he would cherish the memory.

Shaking off the melancholy and worry that had hit him earlier he resumed swimming now much more casual and relaxed not forcing himself to do something for the sake of remaining busy. He watches as Havers tosses the rock over the surface of the water.

“No afraid not, I could never quite figure out how to do it.” He had tried to when he was younger on occasion but never managed more than a couple of jumps.

“You seem to have quite the hang of it.” He remarks watching Havers for a moment deciding to swim for bit longer then he would find a sunny place to sit and dry off.

Havers grabs a stone, swimming over to the Captain and moving behind him.

"Come here," he says, taking hold of the Captain's hip. "It's all in the swing you see."

He puts the stone in the Captain's hand, and then holds onto the back the other mans wrist, guiding his arm back. His chest pressed flush against the Captain’s bare back, but his focus on helping him successful skim the rock.

"Alright, you ready.." he pulls the other mans arm back and forward, "just remember to flick your wrist."

He continues guiding the movement, "okay, one, two, three! Now let go!"

Under his guide the stone goes relatively far and Havers grins at their success. "There ya go sir! Excellent innings," he laughs softly before moving off to the waters edge.

Oh good lord those words followed by Havers’ hands on his hip has his face burning crimson. Swallowing thickly he tries not to think about it too hard, trying to focus on Havers’ instructions and not the fact everywhere he touches sets his skin on fire.

He manages to keep himself together focusing on the rock being pressed in his hand until Havers presses his chest to his back. It has a embarrassingly immediate affect on him the contact feeling so intensely electric it’s enough it have knocked the wind from his lungs had he not clenched his jaw shut to prevent himself from making any unseemly noises. There truly is no heterosexual explanation for the effect this has over him. He manages a few incoherent noises his thoughts struggling to catch up and lets Havers guide his hand surprised he could manage any coherent movement though it was mostly Havers doing it still draws a surprised chuckle from him amused he managed to do it.

Still rather distracted it takes his brain a moment to catch up and process Havers’ words, “Oh right yes.”

He swam back over to the edge of the water diving underwater for a moment to try to bring the flush on his face down to a acceptable level before joining Havers sitting in the sun to dry off having not brought towels.

Havers bites his lip, his eyes trailing over the other man as he came ashore. He laid back on the grass, trying to ignore the man’s physique. It had only been a moment of the other man’s back pressed against him, not too dissimilar to the hug they shared earlier and yet Havers found himself wanting more yet again.

When the Captain lays down beside him Havers rolls onto his belly and leans up on his elbows to look down at the handsome man laying next to him.

“Thank you for this James… today, I…” Suddenly he feels an overwhelming urge to kiss him, and he leans slightly close. His eyes catching the other man’s lips before he forces himself away, burying his face in the crook of his own elbow as he continues laying on the grass. “Thank you.”

That was too close.

He manages to avoid thinking too much about their close proximity to one another just enjoying the sunlight though trying to shelter partially under a tree to keep from getting burned. He doesn’t catch Havers’ eyes wandering over him still in good shape from training and regular exercise.

Only when he sits up is his attention drawn back to Havers, smiling softly at his statement.

“Of course, this has been a rather refreshing and fortunate evening.” He couldn’t be happier with how things turned out and there was still more to come as he wasn’t ready to leave Havers. This evening reminded him of all the stolen moments together at Button House and all the fond memories they share. He isn’t ready to let this fantasy go just yet smiling up at Havers. He could have sworn he saw those hazel eyes flicker down to him lips and it’s tempting to take the risk but he refrains watching Havers hide his face in the crook of his elbow finding it endearing.

Havers stays with his face hidden for a moment, trying to think of something, anything, but how intimate he wished to be with James. He glances upwards and finds himself breaking out into a smile when he notices the Captain’s eyes on him. There’s something in the way James looks at him, he’s sure of it.

“Have dinner with me?” He says, “i mean..if you would like to!”

The way he can get Havers to smile always leaves him feeling just a bit better about himself happy to see him happy. Usually he would not stay out so late as to catch dinner with a friend but Havers is someone he would make an exception for in a heartbeat. He wonders if his affection shows through his eyes every time Havers meets his gaze it lingers like he’s searching for something. The thought is still a bit terrifying but after their time spent working together he doesn’t believe he has anything to fear. Even if Havers had an inkling of an idea he might be of a different persuasion he doubts he would report him. They know each other all too well for that now and if he caught on to something he did not agree with before now he wouldn’t have been searching for him.

The way the question comes out makes him laugh, “I would, where would you like to go?”

Perhaps it’s a bit forward but an innocuous statement like that could rather easily be interpreted as meaning something less scandalous.

Seeing the Captain laugh stirred something in him, it was always a pleasure to see. During the war it had been rare to see, their minds so focused on other things. Now they were able to relax a little, and that involved trying to make the most beautiful man in the world laugh as much as possible apparently.

"There's a little cafe not too far from here we could go to? I used to frequent it a bunch with my sisters." He rolls onto his side, pulling at the wet elastic of his white boxer, "hopefully these won't take too long to dry… Regretting not being brave enough to go commando."

He feels his face heat up a little as he says it and clears his throat.

It seems they both have the same idea for hiding the flush on their cheeks. If he spends too long pondering that idea it’s certainly going to cause problems so he sputters his way through a nervous chuckle.

“Shouldn’t take too long to dry off.” He shouldn’t make a joke or attempt to say more he’ll dig himself into an even deeper hole. He tries to quickly move on from the mental image instead circling back around to the topic of dinner.

“A cafe sounds like a lovely idea Havers.” He has to admit he doesn’t know much about his family and it wouldn’t exactly have been proper to ask since he had been his Lieutenant and it was bridging too close to fraternizing so getting these small bits of information is fascinating.

Havers looks up, nodding, he rests his chin in his hands. "Oh yeah it's a lovely little place, my sisters Daisy and Elaine and I used to call it our pitstop because we would stop there for our adventures."

He laughs, "and now it seems it's our pitstop too."

He says it so casually, but as he brings his hand through his slightly damp hair he can't help but think he needs to start reigning in how he talks to the Captain again. To stop attributing things as 'our' and 'we' in relation to him because it was too dangerous.

Just as soon as he's thought it, he clearly forgets it, because suddenly he notices a small piece of a stick stuck in the Captain's hair and he leans up to grab it. Then fumbling and catching himself just above the Captain, they are face to a face one more. There's a brief moment when he can feel the Captain's exhale that he considers it, the closeness of such want pulling on the strings of his heart.

His eyes move to the man's lips and then up to the man's eyes again, he thinks he might actually do it. How would the Captain kiss? Would it be slow and patient or fast and devouring?Would the Captain want to be kissed by him at all? This thought seems to remind him of reality and he remembers that other men aren't always like him, and he's lingered over his ex superior far too long.

He pulls back, muttering "you had a twig-" under his breath and then sits next to the Captain.

He brings his knees to his chest, resting his chin on them now and stares out to the lake. He got what he wanted, to bring a pretty guy to his special lake one day, and yet he still leaves heartbroken. He could never have love... He tries not to think about it too much, but can feel tears prickling at his eyes. Normally he is better than this, and finds it so much easier to hide. Now however it seems he cannot, and he quickly wipes at a tear that escapes him.

He could listen to Havers all day the way he rests his chin on his hands is absolutely beautiful in a way that makes him want to take him in his arms and never let him go. He doesn’t miss the way Havers is so willing to include him in his life, it’s such a lovely feeling knowing someone wants to include him in their life. It’s more than he could have ever dreamed would come out of this war. His soldiers were never obligated to include him as part of their lives in fact it was usually discouraged. Men died daily in war and having such emotional bonds put men under his command at risk. It is judgment became clouded with the death of every soldier he ever befriended and his command slipped the whole team could suffer. So such bonds were discouraged among officers and their unit. So while his unit bonded with one another he kept himself at arms length.

With Havers though it had proven impossible. From the time he entered his life to the day he walked out of it he always afforded him not only the respect his position called for but patience and understanding that no one else did. He got to know him and brought him out of his shell and involved him in the lives of his unit and made them as close as they were, their success was due in no small part to him. When he walked out the gates of Button House that night he knew there was a very real possibility they would never see each other again and the thought of it was too much to even consider. He regretted how they parted, never having told Havers how much his efforts meant to him yet to say so, to let all of it slip out would be so dangerous. What if he had taken it as bizarre that his captain was so affected by his curtesy? What if he took it as a sign of just how truly incompetent he was as a leader to have to rely so heavily on his lieutenant to enforce such basic things as respect for his command? He hadn’t been able to bare the thought of souring their friendship so he had remained guarded and it haunted him every day listening to that radio.

Havers coming back from the war was a miracle one he would be endlessly grateful for, for the rest of his life. He wouldn’t even begin to know how to carry on his command if he learned the worst had happened. He doesn’t like to think of it even now it causes a visceral terror he can’t sit with.

The closeness doesn’t feel wrong, it doesn’t feel like something that should be illegal. It doesn’t feel like something he should feel guilty for and wished he could absolve himself of the ridiculous feelings of guilt brought on by the fact he’s not being a proper man. That he’s not pressing himself into the box society has made for them to the point of suffocating himself in lies just to gain acceptance into a social class that he would never truly be accepted into. The notion he couldn’t fake it had been soul crushing, he would always be a soft, insecure, inverted man who desperately clings to his rank as a lifeline, playing the role of captain while never fully being able to embody it. Still he struggles with it, though he pretends to be the picture of self assuredness.

Havers sees straight through it, how long he’s known he can’t say but he can and it had not diminished his respect for him. He doesn’t deserve this man’s patience and kindness it’s wasted on someone like him he wouldn’t amount to much of anything and Havers has a whole life ahead of him but selfishly he wants to keep his company, to be part of his life even though the war was now over. He wants to kiss him, a thought that scares him even now something he can’t bring himself to do unable to bridge that gap no matter how much he wants to the self hatred he harbors poisoning his resolve. He has no business being here, Havers should be with his friends, his family, a woman not his old stuffy CO. Yet still he wants his time. He swears he’s seen it in Havers’ eyes multiple times but that hope is dangerous.

He doesn’t pull away from the closeness remaining paralyzed waiting trying to process what emotions are lurking behind Havers’ eyes and they are almost a reflection of his own. The look in his eyes he gets when he watches Havers with the other soldiers from a distance. Wanting something he shouldn’t and could never have. The realization that it’s pain catches him off guard, something is certainly wrong but what? It could be any number of things Havers had seen horrors he doubts he will ever be able to get his head around.

The gesture makes his heart clench and wonder just how he could possibly have such infinite kindness. When Havers pulls away he watches carefully, his eyes glisten like the water and it leaves him with this twisting feeling in his chest. He hates seeing that look in Havers eyes.

“Right, thank you.” He moves closer sitting almost shoulder to shoulder his arm resting over a bent knee. “What’s wrong?” He quietly asks cautiously resting a hand on his back.

The hand on his back initially makes him shudder. The touch is not unwarranted, in fact it’s more than wanted, but his current internal conflict makes it hard for him to take comfort in such a warm gentle touch. He likes the way the calloused hands feel again his pale skin, rough hands from work against smooth.

He sighs softly, “I-” he starts, but what could he say? As much as he wished to simply be free from his inner turmoil, to express it openly. Years of taught conformity and social expectation were drilled into him to the point he had taken a while to accept it about himself, let alone someone else accept him. He wished to say he was homosexual, to hear it out loud would be strange but he rather thinks it would be a relief. The subject of his affections seemed like the most plausible person to tell it to, but then what if he wasn’t?

The Captain, as sweet as he was, would of course be duty bound to report him. Havers tried to ignore this however, turning his head to look at the other man. The worried expression on the gentleman’s features made Havers somewhat swoon, to think of this man worrying about him - caring for him - it made him rather dizzy.

“Do you-” he tries again but the words don’t seem to want to come out. He hates how the skill of speech seems to be lost on him, instead he allows himself to edge slightly closer to the Captain, so that the arm on his back falls round his shoulders as he leans against the bare chest of the man.

This wasn’t how a Captain and his Lieutenant turned Major should act, and Havers could not agree more. This wasn’t two soldiers blurring the lines, this was two men, friends, who happened to be soldiers. He knew he hadn’t explained his sadness, but he wasn’t sure how he could.

Instead he said, “I’ll be okay…I..I’ll tell you later. Let’s just enjoy this for now James.”

He doesn’t question him letting Havers take him time waiting patiently. When he moves closer he doesn’t mind moving to wrap his arm around him reassuringly letting his touch ground him. He would wait as long as it takes for Havers to be ready to talk about what trouble him extending him the same kindness he has always given him. The silence isn’t awkward or uncomfortable between them and James tries not to focus on just how unusual their situation is. It’s not unusual to him, it’s just offering comfort and holding space for someone dear to him but others would certainly take issue.

“Alright, you can talk to me whenever you are ready. It will be alright.” He tries to be reassuring despite his worries for Havers hoping the war had not done too much damage to him knowing it very much has other soldiers.

He sits in silence with him for a long time just looking out over the lake sitting in the sun as it was starting to get lower in the sky. After some time they were acceptably dried but there was still no rush to move if Havers did not want to. Though a faint worry had crossed the back of his mind they might be sun burnt from this by tomorrow, though he certainly hopes the rolling clouds passing by had prevented it. The sounds of the lake are so relaxing he could stay like this forever. He doesn’t remove his arm from around Havers until he moves then he allows it to rest off behind him.

“Are you ready to start off?” He asks calmly after a long while still peering out over the lake though turning his gaze back towards Havers checking on him and admiring his messy hair. They must certainly be a sight the water having completely eliminated any semblance of a proper hairstyle.

Havers finds a great comfort in simply sitting with the other man. Grounded by both his presence and the beauty of nature surrounding them. He would have this, he thinks, if nothing else. When he grows old and thinks of the loveless life he had lived he would think of this moment as the closest he ever had to it. A beautiful moment indeed. He was thankful for James, a good friend even if Anthony harboured feelings for more.

Havers has leaned forward now, he’s not sure how long they had merely rested together but it’s slightly darker now.

“Yeah,” Havers says with a soft smile, “dinner awaits.”

He chuckles softly and then he ducks his head, contemplating something as he bites his bottom lip. Then he moves close to James again, resting a hand on the man’s shoulder.

“Thank you for being..well, here.” Then he’s pulling away, standing, and moving towards his clothes to get dressed.

He’s relieved to see the smile return to Havers’ face and to hear the humor in his voice again.

“So it does.” He remarks happily pausing at the hand on his shoulder a faint smile on his face.

“Of course, thank you for bringing me here and uh… well just everything. You have done so much for me you did not have to and it’s well and truly appreciated.”

It’s a step in the right direction of being more open. Soon after he stands along with Haver going to go grab his own uniform and get dressed his knees protesting standing. It’s incredibly difficult getting ready without a mirror and he relies on muscle memory to ensure his uniform is properly fixed though he still doesn’t manage to get his tie properly straight before stepping back over to Havers.

“Hold on-“ he abruptly remarks glancing over Havers’ uniform jacket doing a double take.

“Good lord Havers! You never told me you are a Major now!” He sputters now a bit embarrassed having been calling him lieutenant and associating him still with the title.

“I-I should be the one calling you sir.” He remarks still reeling from surprise, though extremely proud of his achievement. It also appeared he had a few ribbons on his ribbon bars to show for it. He recognizes them having read through the different medal requirements in his spare time familiarizing himself with them so he might look out for exceptional men in his unit that he could award the accolades but most were reserved for combat troops only.

One of them he recognizes is a high honor for gallantry and wonders briefly what the story behind it is, imagining it must be connected to his scar. Perhaps it is better not to ask such loaded questions for now. He feels himself slipping back into the old patterns of obeying chain of command, Havers outranks him now he should have more decorum when talking with him. Not only does he outrank him but he’s a decorated officer too, good lord why is he choosing to spend his time with him of all people when he could be socializing with the upper army command, peers as equally accomplished as he and far more worth the time forming connections with.

“Oh yes,” Havers says bashfully. He brings his hand up to his medals, feeling the coolness of them on his fingertips.

“Major Anthony Havers at your service,” he says with a chuckle. “Though I don’t think I could ever allow you to call me sir.” He adds.

Which is entirely true. Though he was promoted to a rank above James it was the simple fact that in his mind ‘sir’ was reserved for the Captain, and if nobody else ever used the proper noun except he when addressing *his* Captain then he would be very happy.

Havers steps forward, and takes it upon himself to sort out the man’s tie.

“Come here silly,” is face holds a soft smile only reserved for James. As he expertly does the tie he allows himself to think how wonderfully domestic this is. He could imagine doing this man’s tie every morning, he wanted to. “Much better, sir. As handsome as ever.”

He makes to protest something along the lines of honoring his rank that Havers deserves respect but stops short of finishing his rambling seeing the look on Havers’ face that meant he would not be taking no for a answer despite his Captain’s penchant for sticking to protocol. Havers’ smile is irresistible and quickly he forgets his gripes.

Something about Havers calling him silly in such an endearing way has his face turning scarlet. If it were anyone else he would have been offended but coming from his lips it’s almost affectionate. He had not even realized his ties is in fact not straight and meets Havers’ soft smile with one all his own. It’s such a simple ordinary action but it feels like so much more in a wonderful way he can’t explain. He’s caught up in the way Havers’ hazel eyes reflect flecks of gold in the light when his remark finally registers. Handsome? Is he really?

“I-I yes thank you- i-it’s quite difficult to do these things without a mirror.” He manages to stutter out trying to cover how the flattery turns his cheeks a brighter shade of red by ducking his head and trying to sound more embarrassed with his own incompetence.

God there’s no rational explanation for his behavior is there? Surely he’s bound to catch on eventually he’s been slipping up a lot lately. However is there really a straight explanation for calling him handsome? There has to be- hasn’t there? Havers is just being nice just as he always has been. Either way it’s not an unwelcome compliment.

Havers doesn’t miss the man’s stutter, or the way his cheeks are slightly aglow. He thinks to himself that he rather likes the effect his words could have on the other man. He considers his Captain, his friend, and wonders when the lines had first become somewhat blurred.

He had never before called the other man handsome to his face certainly, but the wheels in motion that led to this moment seemed to naturally bring them to this point from any other choice they had made years ago. As though they were always going to end up here. But when?

Had it been when he has left Button House perhaps, setting off a course of events that would leave them somewhat wayward lost lovers reunited? Or before? When they has worked in tandem as Captain and Lieutenant, with the accidental touches and their routine of morning tea together. Or perhaps it had been when their hands first clasped together, a shaking of hands setting off a chain of events as the universe decided a love story would be interesting between these two.

Perhaps they had always had blurred lines. While the Captain liked order Havers had always been his proposed anomaly, an anomaly however that could not be ignored.

“Well I’m glad I make a good substitute for a mirror.” He chuckles, adjusting the mans collar. He brushes the man’s shoulders, his fingers running over the pips, one more excuse to touch him.

“There all done,” and then he turns mentioning the cafe again.

He can almost feel Havers’ fingers brushing over his uniform jacket something oddly comforting. What would he do without this man and his acute attention to the details. “Thank you.” He remarks setting off with Havers keeping step by his side.

Chapter Text

The walk through the woods is peaceful in the late evening. Now that the sun is slowly sinking lower in the sky the temperature has dropped the stifling heat loosing its edge a cool breeze sometimes traveling through the branches overhead.

The cafe itself isn’t too far, Havers leads them out of the wood and then they walk up the side of the road that led to the nearby village. They walked side by side except when the occasional car means they must turn to a single file formation, but that doesn’t stop Havers and the Captain’s conversation.They are talking about their time at Button House and how they had been so prepared for every situation, their conversation currently on how they would rally the troop at the sound of the air raid sirens. 

The walk is not a long one but he already mourns the loss of the secluded lakeside in the forest knowing they would have to once again put more distance between them. It’s only now that he realizes just how close they have been the whole evening, it felt so natural he had barely noticed. Each car that passes makes him tense wondering if the distance they put between themselves would be enough. Every car that passes is a potential threat to them both and it’s difficult to allow himself to try and just enough their evening out.

Instead he focuses on Havers’ soothing voice grateful for the conversation he strikes up reminiscing on the numerous fond memories of Button House. Mixed in with all the beautiful fond memories there are bitter ones lurking underneath. The air raids had been terrifying, even in the countryside where they only infrequently happened when they did they were always terrifying. 

“It seems silly now.” He says, “to think I would be terrified when we made our way to the Anderson with the troop. Of course it was scary but I…” he stops short in his sentence and sighs.

“It’s silly..” says Anthony, “of course the fears of the home front and of abroad are something that is not comparable. I think.. well I know, I used to be nervous of leaving the Anderson to find the house in ruin, or that we would be unlucky enough to be under a direct hit and we would never leave the shelter again.” He swallows at this memory, remembering how he had always taken comfort in assisting the Captain’s lead but had always been secretly terrified.

“But the things I’ve seen while fighting sir,” he stops on the road momentarily as though processing his own memory. There are vivid images that swirl around in his mind and he worries he might be sick there and then.

“I don’t..” he takes a breath trying to remain calm and collected. “I don’t think there was anything we could’ve done to prepare the men at the house for the horrors to come.”

There’s a horrible feeling in his stomach, and he looks down at the ground trying to mentally chase the sickening feeling away. Then he realises, that at some point his face had become wet. He was crying, only a couple of tears but they trickled freely down his cheeks never the less.

“Sorry,” he mutters, wiping them with his sleeve.

As he does so the button by his wrist catches his scar funny and he hisses, still not entirely used to being mindful of it. It’s a couple years ago now, but he was told the scar would likely be sensitive for a long time to come which caused a jolt of what could only be described as bad electricity to travel through him whenever he accidentally touched it wrong.

When Havers stops he comes to a stop standing off to his side.

 “It’s not a silly thing… we were at war there was a very real threat.” Even now he still tenses hearing the sounds of planes flying overhead and holds his breath till they are gone. 

He frowns quietly listening, hating to see Havers struggle like this. If he could take it all away he would the feeling of not being able to help is sickening. He wishes he knew what to do, that he could wrap him in his arms and somehow undo all the damage the war had done to him. Havers didn’t deserve this, he shouldn’t have had to endure such a heavy burden. Seeing this kind, endearing, patient beautiful man reduced to tears crushes a part of his very soul. He takes a cautious step closer, he has to be brave if he does nothing he would never forgive himself.

“You have nothing to apologize for, it’s alright you’re home now. You don’t have to think of those things anymore, it’s alright.”

He couldn’t imagine having to shoulder the burden of responsibility for soldiers lives in combat like Havers must have done. Gently he rests a hand on his shoulder giving it a firm squeeze to ground him, it’s a seemingly innocuous gesture to anyone who might have taken notice but between them it meant much more and he trusts Havers knows this. If he couldn’t take away all the damage done, he will be there to listen and offer him a shoulder when he needs it.

Havers can only nod, bringing his lips together in thought. The feel of the other man’s hand on his shoulder works wonders to ground him and he’s thankful for the gesture. It was ironic really, how in the woods he had rested against the man in nothing but his tighty whitys but out in the open they couldn’t go beyond this in fear of persecution.

Part of him wished to melt into the man’s chest, move into the out stretched arm and bury himself in the crook of the man’s neck for safety. Nevertheless, even without this James always knows just the right thing to say, his firm but gentle tone batting away any negative thoughts that may enter Havers mind.

“Thank you..” he says quietly, and tilts his head slightly to feel the hand on his chin before moving to continue their walk.

Their pace is slower now as they get started on their route again. He allows his elbow to touch the Captain’s as they set off before putting some distance back between them, he smiles at the Captain and hopes the man understands he liked the part of their friendship that now seemed to involve hugs and leaning on each other in way of admiration of each other as a close friend.

Havers could accept this, that if he were to be loveless at least he could have a friendship with James that was so close to that of a couple.
“I think..it may take some time to not be able to think of it..but you’re right, the war is over.” He sighs outwardly as he says it, smiling now, “and we have a lot to look forward to.. new memories. Though I already imagine my favourites will include you.”

He clears his throat when he realises what he said, “if we keep going on adventures like today I mean.”

“Of course.” He’s relieved to know that he could help at least in a small part to put Havers’ mind at ease as they resume their walking.

A small smile graces his face when their elbows brush against each other. He knows the small gestures are appreciated it does not have to be said out loud he can tell just by the look in Havers’ eyes a the way his face brightens.

He nods in careful consideration for Havers’ observations, “yes, it might take time but it’s not impossible you will pull through. I have faith you can do it.”

Havers is more than capable he always has excelled in everything he does and in the even he did need the help or want the company he would be there to assist even if it could only be as a friend. His heart skips a beat listening to those words knowing his company is held in such a high regard. Though Havers is rather keen to change the subject quickly. It jogs his memory of something he said a rather long time ago, it had been something along the lines of ‘I shall miss you Havers’ it had not been exactly what he wanted to say but it had been the closest he got to it before recognizing it as a potentially fatal blunder and quickly obfuscating it with the mention of the rest of the Button House XI. He wished to say something else entirely, something more personal but to be so personal would have been a step too far for someone in his position, even for a captain saying goodbye to his lieutenant.

“I shall look forward to it Havers.”

He isn’t sure what force possessed him but there words left his lips before he had much time to think about what he’s saying still wrapped up in Havers’ words from a moment ago still leaving him with that feeling of butterflies in one’s chest.

Everything this man says sounds like something so much more personal than what it’s probably meant to mean. It’s dangerous to flirt with the idea of their friendship being anything more than simply that, not wanting to damage it while reading between the lines to find meanings that probably are not there. Yes it’s foolish to think there might be, how could there be? There’s only a fraction of a chance and Havers is an intelligent man, they both know just as well that it’s illegal but still… the thought is a dangerously lovely one.

The Captain’s reply makes Havers grin grow tenfold, his grin is wide and the opposite of any ill emotion he was feeling a moment before. The thought of the Captain looking forward to spending more time with him made the feeling of his beating heart very noticeable in his chest. He could feel what felt like a balloon being inflated in his chest, the feeling rising up from his stomach like the concept of happiness itself was growing within him.

He chances a glance at the Captain, his face reddening when their eyes meet. Though they continue to walk Anthony can only feel the gaze of the other. The dangerous niggling thoughts that he tried to subdue being pushed to the forefront of his mind: He’s right there, the man of your dreams, go for him.

He’s about to speak when the sound of a car approaching them from behind makes Havers leave his haze. He jumps, startled and quickly moves ahead of the Captain to get away out of the cars way. He keeps his head down, and slightly picks up the pace, he mustn’t let that happen again. The car passes them and Havers just continues to walk ahead, pocketing his hands anxiously even on such a hot day. The cafe is just up ahead, though he doesn’t feel as hungry as he had earlier.

He had worried he would be overstepping a boundary that he might scare Havers off. That he would finally see the look in his eyes that most issue him when he’s violated some unspoken social transgression, but he doesn’t see that. No in fact it seems quite the opposite the barely contained joy on his face is a sight to behold something that takes him totally by surprise in the best way possible. That smile he wants to carve into his memories forever that happiness is contagious and discreetly passed to him an adoring smile on his face. Oh How he missed this companionship so very much. 

While Havers was away the very world had seemed to grow darker as if removing him finally opened his eyes to the bleak nature of war. Havers return brought the return of what is good in life and all the happiest memories of Button House. It takes him back to simpler times and seeing that smile makes him feel that familiar warmth.

The moment is cut all to short as another rogue car makes them both jump having almost forgotten the delicate nature of their surroundings. Quietly he reigns in his disappointment and corrects his facial expression to something more neutral so as to not draw attention in the cafe as overly expressive men were want to do. All of the acting is becoming increasingly tiring and hard to manage with so many thoughts and emotions rattling around in his brain from the rather complicated day. It has certainly been exceedingly strange but happy, one of the best days of his life for a while now while simultaneously leaving him more confused and more dangerously pulled towards giving into his foolish guilty fantasies and making a irreparable mistake.

He has been far too lenient with his behavior today, he should be ashamed of himself for indulging in such risky senseless behavior and dragging Havers into this mess. He will have to be more careful and he sighs quietly to himself trying to fix that veneer of a proper soldier before they would step into the cafe now growing busy with the local nightlife.

In a similar way, Havers face turns more stony and his face neutral as he’s reminded of their reality and the reality of how the world treats men like him. He’s managed with it previously of course, before the war he had experiences with nameless faces as he navigated his 20s. In London there were a surprising amount of secret safe spaces for men like him and he was somewhat comfortable with being a homosexual even if the rest of the world was not - but that still didn’t stop him from being careful.

It was becoming abundantly clear however that his feelings for James were not something he could plan or control. He couldn’t plan to dash from James the way he could’ve ran from any police that came knocking. He couldn’t control his emotions and keep them at bay because James wasn’t some floozy Anthony had met in a desire for lust.

James was different, James was proper, and dangerous. Havers knew this during his time at Button House, and even more so now.

They enter the cafe, the nightlife rather alive as people were celebrating being back home with family. As he entered he moved to the counter, the woman behind it instantly recognising him.

“Anthony!” she exclaimed, “as I live and breathe!” She steps out from behind the desk and moves to wrap her arms around him.

She was a kind seeming woman, probably just slightly older than the Major himself. She wore a pinny and had her hair tied back.

Anthony smiled upon seeing her, hugging her with a look of affection on his face. “Hello Marge!”

He squeezes her and she laughs as he lifts her slightly to sway her in his arms. They laugh, obviously familiar with one another.

They swap a couple of how do you do’s and the like, before Anthony turns to gesture to the Captain. “..and this is my dear friend James.”

“Well any friend of yours is a friend of mine,” Marge says with a warm smile. “It’s lovely to meet you James.” She looks at his uniform, “and thank you for your service - I hope your dinner here is pleasant.”

“I’m sure it will be,” Anthony says and he’s hugging the woman again, briefly kissing her cheek before promising to write. Then she leaves them to it, gesturing for them to sit at one of the free tables before returning to her work.

Havers chooses a seat near the window, as it was still rather stuffy. Grabbing a menu he looks over at James, “seems like rationing has had it’s affect here too.. I’ll have to bring you back when they’re serving proper cake again, it’s to die for.” Anthony says with a chuckle.

It is a rather lively night the sounds of music and the slightly from smoke in the air hits you all at once stepping into the dimly lit cafe. It is all rather cosy and oddly intimate and evidently he isn’t the only one to think this as numerous couples are packed into the establishment and were it not for the groups of bachelors partying and carrying on he would be remiss not to think this place would be a rather unsightly place to be caught with Havers. However the mingling of the crowd puts him at least a little at ease.

Though his guard is quickly back up when the rather objectively pretty young woman steps over to them. They are already on a first name basis… well… nothing unusual about that he supposed straightening his shoulders. Havers has many friends, he’s a very charismatic and objectively strapping young lad of course he would know plenty of young women his age too.

He tries not to acknowledge the uncomfortable feeling he experiences when Havers takes her in his arms with affection on his face turning his gaze to a group of men at the bar as they crack up laughing at some piece of conversation he can’t discern. His mind is pulled back into the conversation and away from a nondescript section of wall upon hearing Havers mention his name.

Right! Introductions- simple enough! He issues her a pleasant smile in the way one might greet a colleague remaining formal with his familiar Captain-ly tone.
“Ah it’s lovely to meet you as well thank you.”

He keeps his distance averting his eyes to another segment of wall trying to ignore the creeping feeling in his chest that threatens to consume him. He quickly clears his throat trying not to be loud about it covering it with a cough. He cannot afford to let down his guard, keeping vigilant finding anywhere in the room to look at except Havers noting the decorations on the walls and the live entertainment being carried out on a small stage in the back corner. He refocuses his attention on Havers hearing his footsteps and quickly stepping in line behind him makes his way to the chair opposite him by the window quickly regaining command over his facial expressions.

“Yes it would appear it has, I would be open to that yes it sounds lovely. Seems to be quite a busy spot at night.” He mentions distracting himself with a menu though issuing Havers a wary smile glancing around to make sure no one is paying attention too closely.

Havers looks around the establishment and then back to James, “yes it is rather lively isn’t it? Everyone must be happy to be back home and celebrating I suppose.” 

“Yes I reckon they are, I could think of no better reason to celebrate after these long years of sleepless nights.” Sleepless nights worried sick about the man across from him and whether he was lying dead in some god forsaken desert in Africa. He tries to shake the thought from his mind rereading the menu for the second time over unable to fully focus his attention onto the task.

He looks to his menu, and even after he’s chosen what he wants he remains looking at the menu because it beats the alternative of trying to look anywhere else but James.

It was a mistake to sit here, there’s a warm glow on Jame’s face from the orange street light outside that causes a feeling in Anthony’s stomach to swirl. Chancing a glance up from the menu he can’t help but think the man rather handsome, his face’s features highlighted by the light. His strong jaw causes Havers to clench his own and look away, as beautiful as it was he couldn’t risk thoughts of the such in such a public setting.

He keeps his face stern, and realised that being here with someone he was attracted to made him feel very different from when he had been here as a boy. As a teen he had been here with his sisters and some of the other teens who he would hang around with while visiting his grandparents, and the cafe had always been so welcoming and friendly.

Though with most things that came from having to hide himself, the cafe did’t make him feel safe anymore. Sure as a perception he was accepted here, he was his grandparents grandson, a nice boy. He wondered how that view would change if they all knew. His grandparents homosexual grandson, what went wrong with that boy? 

James glances at Havers for the briefest moment taking in the sight of him in the low light. He’s a stunning sight to behold and the scar along his face did nothing to change that opinion. If he could drown out the background noise he can almost go back in time to their days at Button House. The menu under his fingertips reminding him of paperwork, of the late nights sitting in the soft glow of his desk lamp listening to a record play on low off in the corner of his office, heavy black out curtains cutting off the view from outside the house. All the other soldiers would be asleep having turned in at curfew it was just them in those late night hours his lieutenant’s attention no longer needed elsewhere. He had him all to himself and he would be lying to himself if he insisted that paperwork had been the only thing running through his mind during some of those late nights.

At times he would invite him for a nightcap after, stealing his attention for a bit longer. Sometimes they would drink too much, get too close together knees brushing under the desk putting a hand on one’s shoulder or arm under the guise of camaraderie. It had been a delicate balance and each time they would toe the line closer and closer to something very unbecoming of two officers. Then all at once it had ended when Havers stepped out those gates and being alone in his office late into the night became a stifling affair he could barely bring himself to carry out. He’s lost in his own private reverie peering out the glass window pane though one could barely see out in the dark anymore.

Anthony’s own inner turmoil was cut short by Marge coming over and placing two pints of beer on the table.

“On the house.” She shoots Havers a wink and then turns to the Captain, “you were his captain up at Button House estate then were you?” She says, looking at the captains uniform.

The two cold pints beings placed between them on the table brings his attention fully back to the present. Two pints of beer with no charge in with the current ration system in place is unheard of and exceedingly kind. He’s rather surprised when their generous host strikes up further conversation with him of all people. She even knew Anthony served at Button House, she must be quite the close friend.

“Oh- why yes I was the commanding officer stationed there at the time.” She looked different from before? He had been paying so little attention at the time though he couldn’t place it and at once it struck him.

At some point she had taken down her hair, and now stood in front of the Captain with her finger twirling with a stand of it that sits over her shoulder. “I bet you had a lot to manage there,” her cheeks seem to be reddening and she giggles in a way Havers hadn’t seen from her before.

Havers looks from Marge to James and realises what’s happening, seeing’s the way Marge is also eyeing the Captain’s face among other things.

At that Havers decides to looks down at his menu, trying to ignore the jealousy of the openness of her attraction. It was understandable James had caught her eye, he was a very dashing bloke. He twiddles his thumbs anxiously, being friends with the Captain was going to be harder than he thought. Not because he didn’t want to be, but because watching women flirt with the handsome gentleman made Havers feel like a jealous teen.

Oh good lord anything but this. How had he been so dense to not notice he was being flirted with before? Well, actually the answer is rather uncomfortably simple and makes him tense unnoticeably

“Why yes, there was a lot to manage with the war on and our operations being well, rather involved.”

Her cheerful demeanor leaves a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. A way out- right, there has to be a way out of this but good lord how? Any sane man would jump at the chance to chat up a lovely woman like her it would be downright strange to turn her down if not even impolite without a proper excuse. The timing couldn’t be worse with Havers sat right across from him, he knows everything there is to know about him from their familiar drunken late nights spent wistfully recalling better days, sharing intimate details of their lives. He could lie, let her down easy with a cleverly worded lie. It wouldn’t be difficult coming up with one of the hundreds of preplanned excuses he had at the ready for such social occasions but the minute the words leave his lips Havers will know they are false.

He swallows thickly anxiety settling into every nerve in his body starting to feel ill. Perhaps he could just entertain her conversation- just be polite and perhaps she will become distracted with someone younger and move on, but he knows himself well enough to know that won’t end well. He couldn’t keep up the charade, not when the very sight of her is already making him more nervous than a meeting with top brass. No everyone would know immediately something about him just isn’t right. He can’t take the risk. Well then there’s no other way out but through.

He takes a deep breath calming himself before issuing her a kind smile, “though I must say, rather glad the whole thing is over. Cannot wait to be getting home finally, see the misses- though I imagine she won’t be too happy to know I’ve lost my wedding band somewhere on the estate grounds whilst playing cricket. Yes, she’s going to be right angry when she figures it out so here’s to a lovely night out and the calm before the storm.” He remarks forcing a comedic lilt to his voice taking up his pint taking a long drink from it keeping his hand on the cold glass handle and the other flat on the table unable to control their shaking shoulder he pick them up.

Good lord what has he done- he just told Havers today he does not have a wife rather emphatically at that. It’s an obvious lie and for no good reason at that. His heart is hammering in his chest racing out of control just like the night the first had to use the air raid shelters, standing there in the dark listening to the aircraft pass overhead praying they would not be struck. This isn’t good at all- he shouldn’t have come here but Havers is such a difficult man to say no to. Well there only one thing left to do, an that’s to try and come up with some clever explanation as to why he would turn down any sane man’s dream girl and hope he’s effective enough at damage control to still pass as a acceptable man in Havers’ eyes. Blast it all.

Havers looks up at the mention of a wife, and tries not to look to shocked. He looks out of the window, resting his chin on his knuckles as the Captain continues a blatant lie.

“Oh why yes,” Marge says. She looks slightly downtrodden but not upset.

She tuts playfully, “I suspect she will be upset but of course happier to see her man.” Then she turns her attention to Anthony, seemingly forgetting her flirting altogether.

Havers is rather relieved if he’s completely honest, he doesn’t know if he could stand (well sit) watching James flirt.

He chuckles, looking over at James, “oh yes of course she will,” he looks over at the Captain. He would always have the Captain’s back and he hopes that sentence shows that. Havers is by no means a lying man but he would lie for James in a heartbeat.

“And you…” Marge says, ruffling Anthony’s hair and poking at his cheek. “You’re too handsome to still be single, find yourself an equally handsome b-..bride.”

She looks at Anthony then a tad guilty, worried she might’ve given the game away. After years of keeping Anthony’s secret for him she had almost misspoken. She had found a 17 year old snogging the bakers son in the back room, and up until this point she had done so well at keeping his secret.

Havers is able to hide his nervous expression. He simply laughs softly, “oh maybe one day Marge.”

He fiddles with the corner of the menu sheet. Marge simply laughs, taking herself away from the conversation to retrieve the Captain and Havers food orders before she made any more mistakes.

“So..how’s the wife?” Havers says once they are alone. He smirks, taking a sip of his drink and watching him over the top of his glass. At the look James gives him he chuckles softly as it puts the glass back down.

He fully expects to be questioned at any moment in the face of such a daringly bold lie and to have to scramble to come up with a meaningful excuse to explain himself. He remains tense glancing at Havers with a white knuckle grip on his drink while also trying to keep up the venere of respectability smiling towards their companion relieved when her eyes are off him if only just slightly.

His eyes widen almost imperceptibly when Havers backs him up their eyes meeting. He lets out a breath he hadn’t known he had been holding his shoulders trembling softly with the motion relaxing into his seat. Oh that Havers is a saint- he would go into debt buying out the cafe’s entire stock of alcohol if he asked of it in thanks. He manages an uneven smile, his eyes glittering with unspoken gratitude.

He misses Marge’s slip up in conversation too relieved to notice taking a few measured deep breaths to calm his racing heart and shaking hands. He’s more than a little relieved when their food finally arrives though his attention is not deterred away from the pint in his grip. In an attempt to calm his nerves he’s already managed to down half the glass before their food reached the table.

He’s drawn out of his anxiety induced silence by the cheekiness in Havers’ tone and slowly any remaining fears he might have drain away.

Gently he kicks the side of his leg under the table in reprimand as he ducks his gaze away from Havers’ face, back down to his glass taking another long sip before daring to glance his way.

“Nonexistent as ever.” He dares a witty quip, just barely audible for Havers to hear.

It’s something he would never dare to even consider with anyone else as it’s too close to the truth about him that not even he would acknowledge at times, but Havers’ amusement is disarming and helps lower his guard ever so slightly.

“Might want to split the bill here Havers, I might end up running up the tab before we leave tonight.” He jokes setting aside his empty glass drawing the one of water left for him closer.

Havers can only laugh as he feels something kick him under the table.

He clears his throat. “Ah yes, same as mine, and no need,” then he says in a low voice, “I already paid Marge while you were figuring out your lie.”

Havers winks, and laughs yet again before digging into his dinner.

His laughter puts an earnest smile on his face, they are quite the pair aren’t they? Still ever the impressive team. 

“Well then I appreciate your quick thinking Havers.” He remarks his heart melting at that cheeky wink the last of his anxieties dissipating as they dig into dinner.

The food is delightful, simple from rationing supply but lovingly prepared all the same. Havers isn’t sure how many drinks he’s had now, enough to feel him with merriment but not enough that he feels sick - though Havers was a man who could handle his drink well and even on his heaviest drinking escapades in his youth he never suffered with a hangover (something his classmates from university were very jealous of when he would arrive to lectures unperturbed). 

Havers was right the food here is nothing short of impressive and after having nothing but meager rations for months it’s a welcome change. Perhaps just maybe he could be talked into coming back- but only just if Havers is here to keep him company. However he’s quite the frightfully terrible enabler buying them both another few rounds to drink that he lost track of as they listen and watch the band playing live in the corner of the room among a swirling crowd of dancers some growing more rowdy as the night goes on.

He really should be keeping better track of how much alcohol he let himself indulge in not wanting the crippling migraines that would follow the aftermath of such an over indulgence in the morning. Though he’s fortunate that’s all he experiences from a hangover. Though there are a few notable exceptions in memory of nights spent in the countryside camping and drinking with friends where they had become drunk to all be miserably sick throwing up in a creek the next morning. No those nights are long behind him ones he did not want to repeat any time soon, having the self control to stop when things start to feel pleasantly hazy.

When they are finished Havers bids Marge goodbye, offering her a kiss to a cheek. Marge wishes them both well, and safe travels.

Chapter Text

Outside it’s colder now, though the cool air after such a hot day is refreshing. There’s still a bit of humidity in the hot wind but the lack of sunlight makes it bearable. Havers balances on the edge of the curb as they begin to walk, a habit he had from when he was a boy. 

It’s a pleasant way to round out a delightful day as he follows Havers back out into the cold night air. The temperature has dropped rather considerably from the stifling heat of the day but it’s a pleasant break he finds himself relishing in. The cold breeze becoming a grounding force as it takes considerable effort to focus on walking. He can’t fathom how Havers is handling himself so well when to his recollection he might have had a bit more to drink. He minds the curb carefully electing to stay a few paces back a few paces lest he accidentally lose focus and trip on the curb.

 “I don’t think you should be travelling back home so late.. heavens knows what time you will get home. Or if there’s even a train running.” Havers looks at his watch and then looks to James.

“You might have a point there Havers, might have had a bit more to drink then I intended.” He admits glancing down at his watch as well leaning slightly into Havers’ shoulder without realizing momentarily stunned by the time.

“I think- well- do you fancy coming back with me to my sisters place?”

He hasn’t stayed out so late in decades, at least not for fun and he’s surprised again at the generous offer to stay.

“I-I mean if that is alright, I-i certainly wouldn’t want to intrude on such short notice.” He stammers not having much in the way of a back up plan, perhaps he would find a room for the night somewhere if there were any left that is, he certainly hadn’t thought this through had he when he stepped out his door early this morning.

Havers can’t concentrate, though the drink has little affect on him beyond a general uplift of his happy mood, the the feeling of his ex CO leaning against him slightly is a comfort. The way he leans back slightly and links their arms is deliberate but if anyone were to ask he was helping a friend who had too much to drink.

“You would never be an imposition James,” Havers says, and he means it too. A smile on his lips as he looks at the man so closely beside him.

He should move back and put a respectable distance between them but the extra stability certainly wouldn’t hurt and it’s obvious enough to write off should anyone question their behavior. So he allows himself to rely on Havers for the support perhaps clinging on a bit more than necessary but no one would be none the wiser. He’s seen people do this for years but never had the opportunity to do so himself.

It was far more common to just throw a arm over a friends shoulder and laugh stumbling the way to a cab or to home but there is little need for that and it is also far to reminiscent of the way they carried wounded soldiers off the battle lines, he would not be responsible for stirring up bad memories. So he allows that alcohol to get to his head and win out over the ever present vigilance he keeps letting the anxieties go at least for now while listening to Havers’ comforting words glancing at the smile on his face.

“I- well if you insist then I guess well- it would be fine.” He admits rather sheepishly he’s always thought of his presence as more a pest than something to be sought after, a thought pattern that developed as far back as he can remember but once again Havers has a funny way of making his insecurities disappear.

Maybe the drink was also slightly lowering his inhibitions too, as he certainly wasn’t thinking about being caught holding the gentleman’s arm now. No. But then again, it was rather dark and the further they got down the country road the more they were plunged into darkness with the lack of street lighting, it was safer in the dark. 

“I’ve had the best day,” Havers admits suddenly. “I’m so glad I bumped into you.”, Havers says and then he looks ahead at the road in front.

Havers eldest sister Elaine didn’t live too far, they would have to walk up the lane and cross the farmers field. An easy journey. It was dark but Havers recognised every tree and every hedge, the world had gone to hell and back but this part of the landscape was beautifully unchanged.

“Yes, it has been a lovely day and I’m remarkably lucky to have guessed which station you would be arriving at.”

Well guess is a strong word but the fact he spent several days trying to trace Havers’ whereabouts and to find out which train they are liable to send him back on would be embarrassing to admit so he kept the information to himself as they step away from the well lit path an onto a couple of unfamiliar dark footpaths.

One could barely make out the landscape but what is visible is stunning reminding him a lot of the vistas surrounding Button House which he quite enjoyed walking the property and surrounding area to see. He’s grateful to have Havers leading the way otherwise he would not have the faintest idea where to head.

“Very lucky indeed,” Anthony says, and he finds himself looking to the Captain.

His eyes only just able to make him out in the darkness. In some alternate universe perhaps he would be lucky enough to call this man his significant other, and as they walk with their arms linked and Havers fingers ever so gently gripping the man’s forearm he can almost pretend just that.

Then he thinks about it some more and he wonders what exactly James motives had been pertaining their meeting at the train station this morning. The event at Button House was for decorated officers only, but perhaps the Captain wasn’t aware of that. Then again it was unlike his Captain to be misinformed, usually he was so on top of things.

“James I.. I mean.. were you waiting for me?”

If he hadn’t had a drink in him he may not have asked, as it was a question that was loaded with curiosity and he didn’t want to make James seem uncomfortable. After all he did say he had guessed the station at which he would arrive, so maybe… 

The Captain glances up barely able to see Havers in the low light flustered, “I-I um… well.”

He chuckles nervously knowing it would sound bad if he didn’t say it and left Havers to assume something as scandalous as he was going to sneak into an officer’s event.

“Well, yes I might have been doing just that… I had not heard from you in some time and when I figured out they were sending men home… well- I did some digging trying to find where you might travel, I knew it was likely you would go back to London first and then make your way to Surrey… So I just showed up. I had not really thought this far ahead- I just wanted to see you, make sure you were alive and well.” He assures with a smile not uncomfortable with the question just more embarrassed by his own behavior. 

Havers smiles as James speaks, and the mans admission causes a swooping sensation in his stomach to nearly take out the knees supporting him. The thought of the Captain, his Captain, coming there to that train station with a silver of hope of seeing his ex Lieutenant again as comparable to the romance Havers read in many a novel; the part where the man gets the girl - except in this James would get Anthony, and god would Anthony be so willing to give it.

Then he's mispeaking and somehow he's not worried about it, like he could trust the other man. They were friends, and he thinks maybe James would be someone he could trust with who he is - especially after the day they have spent together.

Anthony tilted his head leaning into James with a tired yawn, “Well, then you’re the most considerate boyfriend ive ever had.”

He giggles, and in the happiness of how he feels forgets himself slightly before clearing his throat, “i jest of course sir.”

He chuckles and squeezes the arm he has hold of gently. They were leaving the lane now, entering the farmers field. Elaine’s house was on the other side.

Their closeness is comforting as they walk together but Havers’ slip of the tongue turns him into a stuttering crimson mess.

 “Anthony!” He gently jabs him in the side it evident in his tone that his surprise is not a sign of disgust nor anger. He dissolves into quiet chuckling, knocking their shoulders together. Oh if only- he wishes he could say something anything to clue him in but still remains nervous he will go too far. Perhaps he’s safer than he thinks, after all Havers would not have made such a brazen joke if he were opposed to such scandalous relations would he? The speculating makes his heart race and he’s relieved the darkness covers his ridiculous grin giving him time to right himself. Just that inkling of hope that he might finally have somewhere safe to let down his guard and someone to confide in is everything and for the briefest time he allows himself that treacherous thread of hope.

James is jabbing him and Havers can't help giggling, his face as equally flush as their shoulders knock together. They are both so unaware of their mutual affection, of the way they are both thinking about how they could finally seek the safety and acceptance in one another.

Anthony and James were always so in tandem without knowing, like in the way they both wish for romantic affections from the other but would settle for the next best thing to that.

Havers leads the Captain onto the field, a giggle at his lips still from successfully bringing such a reaction from James. The way the man had exclaimed 'Anthony!' in such a jovial tone ringing in his mind in a similar way as the rest of the days encounters with the man were. If he thought he would be coming back to England to experience a day like today with his Captain he wouldn't have believed it, but the laughter they've shared and the closeness is something he is overjoyed to have with James nevertheless.

He leans his forehead on the mans shoulder, turning his head to the side to do so, laughing against the cotton as drunken giggles leave him. They walk a few more paces and Anthony straightens back up, his hand moving down where it held the mans forearm and his fingers ghosting over the mans hand before moving away all together.

As they separate he feels an emptiness at his side, the cool air is a sour replacement to the warmth he had just had as company. He holds his hand out to stop James moving any further. 

James misses the contact as soon as it’s gone when they finally ceased their horseplay coming to the edge of the field.

"Hang on," Havers says, "there's a drainage system somewhere here." 

Havers moves forwards, looking for the part of the field that dips slightly. Then he finds it, the little crossing of water was hardly difficult to traverse but for someone not knowing it was there it was rather hazardous.

There was a sign post of course, but it wasn't very effective in the dead of night. Havers steps over it and then spins and holds out his hands for James to take.

"Here sir," he says, "careful now... wouldn't want to end up boyfriend-less now would I?"

It all feels too good to be true. Every laugh and smile that he cannot see but can sense is there on Havers’ face it’s all so liberating. To drop the formalities and just exist the cover of darkness shielding them from prying eyes. It would be so easy to just let the words slip out, Havers makes him feel safe and under the cover of night with a little too much to drink it’s so tempting to let himself slip up. He could just blame it on their drunkenness if things went wrong but a small part of his mind still lives in fear despite the tremendous amount of joy this day has given him. Havers drunkenly laughing into his shoulder makes his cheeks burn crimson it’s a sensation he hopes he never forgets for the res of his life able to feel the warmth of his summon through his uniform where they touch. Every slight touch, friendly jab, lean in and brush of their hands is so comforting and makes his heart flutter in a pleasant way that he so rarely experiences.

James can just faintly make out Haver’s form on the opposite end of the small drainage ditch, somehow even after all this time hearing him call him sir makes his heart skip a beat and if the honorific did not do it his next statement surely would turning his face scarlet in the process.

Good lord they are both certainly drunk and it’s luck that no one is around for a few miles in either direction, such a statement could have them both thrown in jail. It’s the second time this has happened but he doesn’t call attention to it to correct him. Could it really be a slip up the second go round though? Surely he’s just joking, yes it’s all just a joke he’s putting too much weight into hidden meanings again that are not necessarily there. Still Havers seeming lack of regard for the typical societal disapproval of such jokes and relations is refreshing and assuring in a way he’s unsure of he will ever be able to communicate to Havers.

“Ever the gentleman are you Havers- it’s quite alright I think I can handle a little ditch crossing.” He affectionately admonishes which is rich coming from a man who if he moves wrong his knees will swiftly protest with a harsh cracking. He does not actually having the heart to refuse him taking Havers’s hand in a firm grip.

Havers says a soft "of course sir," even as James takes his hands.

The warmth of the mans palms is something he can only think about momentarily as he has a job of guiding the man over the ditch. It's a futile excuse to hold the mans hands really, the ditch itself not being very deep or wide, and the ground is dry from the sun so the chance of slipping is almost zero. Yet here he is, taking hold of the Captain's hands as he steps over.

James braves the chance to gently brush his thumb over Havers’ knuckles as he pulls his hands away becoming a bit bolder with the combination low light and the copious drinks they had between them. Missing the closeness they had before a stray thought briefly crosses his mind to ‘accidentally’ trip on some uneven ground to move closer to Havers. Good lord what has gotten into him? He should be absolutely scandalized with himself for the very thought.

 Once over Anthony drops his hands back to his sides, missing the way they had walked arm in arm previously but not really in the position (without it being very awkward) to ask the man to hold his arm again. 

“That's the house just there," he says, pointing to a chimney sticking out from behind the trees.

 “Ah! Right I see it- excellent. I’m sure this place must look even more impressive in the light.” He remarks struggling to make out some of the shapes in the darkness due to his poor vision.

“Oh yes, it’s quite a sight. Good old English countryside is was the reason my grandparents set up here.” 

The house is quite isolated, Anthony's grandfather had been a farmer. Evidence to that is some nearby stables and such at the side of the house but no animals were currently under the Havers farm care. Though the fields had been taken over by some farmers during the war (as Elaine wasn't a farmer herself and offered the use of her land) so there was evidence of crop growth having recently been dug up.

Havers walks onwards towards where he can see the silhouette of the chimney, looking forward to getting some rest but also sad at the idea of the day ending. Though he is glad this wasn't goodbye for the Captain yet, and hoped that perhaps he could steal the man's attention tomorrow too.

 On their way up to the house he almost trips in earnest catching himself before he could trying to brush it off as if it never happened. It has certainly been a long day and despite how much he enjoys Havers’ delightful company and wished they could stay out even longer to make up for lost time he is relieved to finally have a chance to rest not realizing how tired the altercation at the cafe has made him until now. Rather suddenly it hits him all at once along with the realization he is staying at Havers’ sister’s home something he could have never imagined would happen upon meeting him as his lieutenant all those years ago. It’s thrilling to be able to see into Havers’ personal life and to be allowed into it. It feeling intimate in a way that a Captain shouldn’t be privy to but is ever grateful he is.

Havers hadn’t noticed the man trip up, the darkness covering each others movements. Perhaps if he had been closer he would’ve seen, but now similarly to the Captain, Havers is thinking about how much he’s revealing himself to James. How much wants to continue to do so. 

As they near the house Havers can make out the sound of the wind chimes Elaine has hung outside the front, and it’s a sound that instantly soothes him for it makes him think of her.

“Oh,” he says as they round the trees surrounding her garden and house, “I..” he laughs softly and sniffles, “wow I think it’s just hit me I’m here.” 

He wipes a stray tear, and sniffles once more trying to hide his emotions.

As they approach the house he can also hear the soft sounds of the wind chimes and it’s easy for him to see how one could get lost in the ambience of this place. It is delightful.

Havers soft laugh catches him offguard as he picks up something else in his voice that he cannot quite put his finger on till Havers mentions it all just seeming to hit at once and suddenly it makes sense. 

Good lord he had just come back from a war he might very well have never returned from… they both just survived a war. Suddenly it hits him rather abruptly too, the fact against all odds they are both alive and able to see each other again, share drinks, have an evening by the lakeside and laugh. They very well could have never had this opportunity, they got incredibly lucky. He reaches out resting his hand on Havers shoulder his arm resting against his back trying to offer him some form of comfort. He couldn’t imagine what must be going through Havers’ mind reeling from the revelation himself. They really are quite fortunate, an had best make the best of the time that they have.

Anthony feels grateful, and also somewhat guilty for being one of the lucky ones. His thoughts start to spiral and as James touches his shoulder he breathes out heavily, the feeling of an arm on his back is a weight that brings things back to focus. He turns to look at James, and then without saying anything simply wraps his arms around the other man’s shoulders to hug him, taking comfort him being here. James was here, they were here, together.

He knows he shouldn’t be standing here like this with Havers, but it does not stop him from wrapping his arms around him and letting them settle into a comfortable silence. He doesn’t have to talk, he won’t force it when sometimes there was nothing to be said he would wait and be there wishing there was a way for him to change things.

It’s been a long day and the war has taken much from Havers, he’s seen it in various ways. He’s seen the slip ups when it becomes too much to handle and it worries him. It concerns him to no end that something might still happen to him. He knows at least in a small part what living with that guilt is like feeling he only survived both wars because he arrived to late to fight in the first and was too old for the second and it’s a level of guilt he wouldn’t wish on anyone.

The part of him that still struggles with that desire to fit into a place in the world he isn’t meant for still troubles him even now urging him to step away. To simply put a hand on Havers’ shoulder and just tell him the same empty words another army man would but he can’t do that. He’s grown way too fond of Havers to ignore it and pretend that the affections don’t exist. He couldn’t fool himself anymore, there is no explaining this behavior away as anything other than affection and it terrifies him that he might be making a mistake and Havers might not be so open as he once thought. It would be difficult to hide but he’s hid this for so long it’s not impossible, he could manage to walk the thin line of this friendship, he would have to, but for now he tries to put these worries to rest: wrapping his arms around Anthony running a soothing hand along his back.

Anthony simply takes a moment, the few stray tears that had left his eyes drying against the fabric of the cotton jacket. The hand running down his back is nice, and somehow just feels right.

“Sir,” he says quietly, though he doesn’t pull back, remaining in the safety of the embrace and in truth soaking up the memory of it. There’s a brief silence, but it’s not entirely uncomfortable. The sound of wind chimes continue in the light summer night breeze.

“I..” he tries again, “I’m really here?” He says like he’s finally processing the last five years.

“You’re here..you…” he lets his grip on the man loosen and pulls back slightly, for a moment he catches the man’s gaze. in the darkness he can just make out the other man’s eyes and the shape of his strong jaw.

The Captain stays close by listening giving Havers time and space to process everything going on listening to the sounds of the wind chimes and Havers’ breathing.

“Yes, you are right here. We both are right here, fine.”

Hearing the uncertainty in Havers’s voice hurts in a way he couldn’t have anticipated and even when they pull away he keeps a hand loosely on Havers’ arm. He can just barely make out his expression in the dark and quietly worries if they are crossing a line they shouldn’t be. Part of him wants to retreat back to the safety of their mutual casual formality that had fallen by the wayside today worried he might further push Havers away if his behavior is taken as odd

Anthony allows his eyes to run over the man’s face, thinking of the nights he spent in the jungles or in the desert or amongst city debris thinking he would ever get to see that beautiful face again. And yet here he is, safe and sound, with him.

Chapter Text

Havers forces himself away, scratching the back of his head, “I’m sorry sir, the drink seems to have made an emotional mess out of me.” His laughter is low in tone and he moves out of the Captain’s space.

Quickly James finds himself jumping in to protest shaking his head.

“No- no Havers- you have nothing to apologize for, it’s alright, really, it is. This is not the first time I’ve dealt with these types of things. There’s nothing to apologize for with me.” He insists sincerely managing a reassuring smile stepping over to join Havers who moves towards the front door.

The former Lieutenent lifts up one of the garden statues on the porch, grabbing the spare key his sister always left there for emergencies.Then he’s standing up straight again and his gaze turns to look at James, the undeniable pull to go back into the other man’s space and kiss him silly is strong. Instead he turns back to the door and unlocks it.

“I say Havers- since, well, given that we are no longer really Captain and Lieutenant anymore… you don’t have to keep calling me sir, it’s far too formal, just call me James.” He says, stuttering his way through the statement, this isn’t something he has ever offered before not to anyone he’s worked with prior but with Havers it feels like the right choice. He has already gone so far letting him into his life it feels only natural he should extend the same curtesy.

As he unlocks the door a smile appears at his lips at the Captain’s - no, James’ - request. His eyes flicker towards James, and he finds himself running his teeth over his bottom lip and ducking his head sheepishly.

“Of course,” he says, “I apologise.” A beat. “James.”

Every time he says the man’s forename it’s like something awakens within him, being allowed to say it causes his stomach to lurch with waves of hope and makes him rather giddy at the real prospect of really being the man’s friend even if they can’t have something more.

He opens the door and steps inside, “I’ll try my best to drop the formalities, though as you can imagine I’m rather in the habit.”

“It is quite alright.” He gives a afirmative nod stepping through the threshold of the door with a patient smile. Hearing Havers say his name always brings a shy smile to his face still struggling with being able to properly articulate his emotions.

Havers chuckles as they both enter the home. It’s a narrow corridor, a simple set of stairs to the left, kitchen straight ahead, and an arch opening into a living room on the right. It’s small, but cosy and rather quaint. Havers flicks on the light switch and Havers smiles at the sight of the Captain now, finally being able to see his face properly. He hugs the man again, one arm slung over him quickly this time as he embraces James quickly.

“Thank you.. for.. you know.” Havers pulls back, and moves to the bottom of the stairs, sitting down to remove his boots.

He’s momentarily distracted by Anthony’s arm around him and a brief smile crossed his features, “Of course, it’s… it’s good to be able to help you after all you have done for me.”

Havers had always stepped up to defend him and ensure he was given the respect his rank demanded. If he could return that kindness even if it was only a fraction of it he would without a second thought. He finds a brief respite in peering around the corridor at the pieces of the house he can see marveling at the place.

“Oh si- James,” Havers laughs softly as he undoes his laces. “I was merely trying to be a good Lieutenant, it’s me who should be thanking you. I learned a lot from you after all.”

That soft laughter and the way Havers says his name makes his face feel hot and he averts his gaze down to their knees biting his lip before chuckling softly.

“An I was merely being a good Captain it’s my duty to teach you to try and prepare for these things.”

He remains quite humble but proud of his job. Perhaps he didn’t need to serve on the frontlines in order to do some good. If the only thing his leadership and teaching ever amounts to is helping bringing Havers home safely then he could live with that.

“This place is quite charming.” He remarks joining Havers on the stairs to remove his own boots. He had not lived in such a place in a long time, not since he was younger. Where he is currently staying couldn’t even begin to compare.

He smiles at the Captain beside him, their legs knocking together briefly as they both take off their footwear. “Y-yes, it’s lovely here.”

He smiles softly at him as their knees brush together as he takes off his last boot, setting them off to the side with Havers’s pair. He too couldn’t help reminiscing about Button House smiling to himself glancing at their shoes remembering the times they would leave them together on the lakeside sitting on the dock in the late evening for a change of pace. He smiles finding himself wishing to go visit the old house, perhaps he will maybe he could even invite Havers along if he wanted to go. 

Button House, even though they had been at war, overall was rather pleasant. Of course there had been times of fear but there had also been moments like during cricket or sharing a late night drink with his Captain that he had rather enjoyed. Thinking about that made him smile. When he’s done taking off his shoes he places his hand on the Captains knee, “now how about we change into something more comfortable and have a few more drinks before bed ey? We can carry on with a few more pints or settle with a nice cup of tea? Your choice.” 

He’s brought out of his thoughts by the warm palm resting on his knee turning his attention back to Havers.

He watches the Captain, awaiting his response. Them being sat together in the stairwell gives him the opportunity to look at the man’s face up close again. He wished to remember every inch of the man’s beautiful skin, the beautiful moles that dotted his face, the laugh lines around his eyes and brow, and how the moustache was shaped so neatly and how the man’s lips sat so beautifully underneath it. Wait how long had he been staring at the man’s lips?

The Captain does not even realize how he lets his own gaze also roam over Anthony’s face. Taking the softness of his gaze and his tousled hair having been out of place since their dip in the lake. He feels less guilty for his obviousness able to see the way Havers’ eyes tracing a similar pattern though he swears they stop at his lips. Is he imagining things? Perhaps he is letting his hopes get the better of him, yes that’s more likely… way more likely but it has been a strange evening hasn’t it? A pleasantly strange evening.

“I-I- um well… I’m not sure what I want really- I hm… what do you think Anthony?”

The real answer that Havers wishes he could voice has nothing to do with drinks at all, for first his brain supplies him with ‘I think you’re handsome’ and it’s only because he has some morsel of self control that those words don’t slip from his lips.

Instead he offers the man a smile, and shrugs, though he doesn’t move his hand, not yet.

“I could check the stock? My sister is partial to a shandy the same as you and I,” he says, standing now, “I think I rather fancy that.”

‘I think I rather fancy you.’ The intrusive thought breaks through his usually sound mental barriers with alarming ease and he’s quite lucky to have not spoken it into existence snapping back to the conversation at hand.

“O-oh she is? Well then, that sounds like a splendid idea Havers.” He could go for few drinks not listening to his better judgement all to happy to indulge Havers a habit that’s becoming increasingly more frequent.

When he stands he takes off his jacket, hanging it on the coat hooks supplied at the bottom of the stairs. When he sees the Captain unbuttoning his to do the same he takes it from him with care and hangs the jacket beside his. Something about their jackets resting side by side on a coat hook makes Anthony smile, which he knows is rather silly but it’s such a simple detail that he wouldn’t mind being part of his daily life at all. 

Good lord the effect Havers has on him without even trying it’s going to be the death of him. When Havers stands to take off his jacket he follows suit despite his knees protesting having already walked quite a bit today. He quickly downplays his discomfort not willing to let it interfere with their evening. He hands his jacket off to Havers stealing a glance at the smile on his face there’s something so pleasantly domestic about it all. He could get used to this, another dangerous notion to entertain.

He clears his throat and turns to the Captain once more.

“James?” he says. 

“Hm?” He pauses turning back towards Havers glancing away from their coats hanging on the wall. When did Anthony get so close? His breath gets stuck in his throat the room suddenly feeling stuffy getting hot under the collar but unable to bring himself to break Havers’ gaze.

Bringing his hand to the Captain’s tie and loosening it before taking it off, Havers lifts it over the man’s head. His eyes are holding the Captain’s gaze the entire time and he knows this is pushing it, because there is no reason for him to do this. They are so close again, and Anthony thinks it’s wonderful. 

The older man could get lost in those eyes. Everything about this is dangerous and it takes considerably more self control then he cares to admit to not pull him in. He should be ashamed of such thoughts, they are not normal, nothing about this is but his self hatred isn’t enough to stave off those fantasies. His face must be burning up by the time they finally part he can feel it worry creeping into the back of his mind about just how difficult it has become to hide his attraction.

Anthony knows he needs to be more careful, but the alcohol in his brain lowers his inhibitions a lot. Be that as it may, there was no excuse for this at all. The Captain was a grown man and certainly didn’t need help getting undressed, though Havers knew he wasn’t opposed to- he blinks, and steps back through the hall a bit.

“I’ll look for the shandy,” he mutters before moving to the kitchen, “feel free to make yourself comfortable in the living room.”

“Right, thank you.” He mutters quickly flashing Havers a quick smile before finding his way into the living room peering around at the large expanse of space stunned by how grand the seemingly small cottage is. 

The living room is relatively large, and is in fact the largest room in the house. It has a sofa and an arm chair at a coffee table, and a radio nearby. There’s a desk set up to the side near the window, and to the back there’s a dining table next to a second door that also leads into the kitchen. On the walls that have been painted a navy blue there are plenty of family photos, including many of Anthony and a two girls who looks rather like him, his sisters - Daisy and Elaine.

He’s relieved to take a seat on the couch having not realized just how much his back was bothering him. Taking the pressure off his aching knees lets him relax and enjoy taking in his surroundings. His gaze settles on a corner of the room looking up at the old family photographs smiling to himself feeling so lucky to have the opportunity to see into such a private side of Havers’ life. In a way it still feels strange, finally having someone he could call a close friend and it’s quite the adjustment going from Havers’ superior to being beneath his rank and then to this close friendship all in a short time. It makes him incredibly happy to call someone so kind as Havers a close friend though he selfishly wishes to push the boundary further even though he should not, even though it’s dangerous. Havers didn’t seem keen to pull away and between the prolonged gazes he swears he sees at least an inkling of the same longing in his eyes, at least he hopes. The not knowing is the worst part, setting his teeth on edge with insecurity not knowing if he could ever truly push himself to take that leap. The risk is so great… and perhaps it’s better to just be grateful for what he has instead of facing the possibility of ending whatever this is and destroying the bond they’ve built over the years.

Havers is rattling about in the kitchen, finding glasses and smiles upon finding shandy.

“Okay I found it!” Havers exclaims happily, he has two glasses in one hand and a bottle in the other.

“Thank you Elaine!” He giggles as he sits next to the Captain.

The sofa is the usual tiny two seater, it’s soft fabric and the two pillows placed on it make it rather a cosy seat. Havers places the glasses on the table, pouring out the drinks.

“This reminds me of all the times we had midnight drinks in your office,” Havers says.

He passes the Captain his drink, their fingers touching briefly at the crossover. It’s nice to see James so relaxed now, and Anthony can’t think he looks somewhat adorable when he’s tired; but he’s always thought that, even at Button House. 

He gingerly takes the glass from Havers muttering a quickly thank you.

“Good lord yes, I remember we had quite the few late nights didn’t we? You were a terrible influence at times you know that- there were some nights we did not get any rest until the early hours of the morning.” He mentions laughing fondly missing those late nights glancing over at Havers as he takes a sip from his glass the very taste brining him back to those late nights at Button House. 

Havers could only smirk at being called a terrible influence, murmuring “a terribly good influence” with a giggle.

They did not turn on any lights not really needing them comfortable sitting in the faint light created by a few scattered night lights across from each other on the couch. It’s quite cosy, he did not want the night to end.

They would probably have to sleep soon. He planned to take the sofa and let James take the guest bed, he wouldn’t dare sleep in Elaine’s bed, as lovely as his sister was she would never let him hear the end of it.

“Do you remember the night we saw that snowy owl in a tree outside the window, and it turned out to be the one that had escaped the local farm!” Havers laughed softly.

Havers remembered noticing the tag on the owl, a yellow and blue tag, exactly how the radio had reported it that morning. He remembers climbing a tree and tempting the owl with a mouse while the Captain climbed up the other side with a bag. He remembered the way they had giggled about it afterwards, even after the farmer had come to take it away.

Remembers having to disinfect a scratch on James’ arm before they headed to bed, and the way they told the story the next morning where Anthony kept exclaiming, “you should have seen him!” to prove to the others that yes, the Captain was very well damn capable despite his age, thank you. Havers giggles now, taking a sip of his own drink as he thinks of the night.

He shakes his head rolling his eyes in amusement. “Not the owl- that bird caused nothing but trouble. It had given me quite the start that night if I recall we were discussing ideas for one of our classified prototype projects. I thought you were mad for climbing that tree- I almost ordered you down. It was such a silly risk to take for that bloody bird I couldn’t let you do it alone.”

He could laugh at the memory now but at the time he had been more than a little cross with the bird. 

They had been in deep conversation about Project William when the owl cooed at the window. Havers remembers laughing as they tucked the paperwork safely away and proceeded to the garden, the look on his superiors face as he climbed the tree had made him giggle then and made him giggle moreso now.

“Do you remember that one cricket match where one of the men almost broke one of the windows? I believe that was the same cricket match you took a rather nasty fall to prevent the other team from scoring, you had quite a few scrapes after that match.” 

“Oh yes, uh, Burrowsby,” Havers shook his head with a laugh as he recalled the cricket match. “he was god awful with a bat… and it was only some minor bruises si- James, a minor thing.” He turns, bending his legs to sit with his body more angled towards the other man as he listened to him.

“I know it was just a minor thing Havers but you know as well as I how the minorest of things can become infected and cause a whole host of problems and I couldn’t have my second in command down for the count now could I?” He remarks fondly issuing Havers a relaxed smile. “An yes Burrowsby was a rather terrible batter.. Good god.”

He remembered that match all too well, having helped Havers clean those cuts to make sure they were well taken care of. 

“I also enjoyed card nights, what few we could allow given the busy schedule.”

Havers hummed in agreement, “I liked those too… though it was obvious how they would play cards in secret sometimes wasn’t it? I was always finding a card under the breakfast table and such. It’s lucky those men were in weapons research and not her majesty’s spies I tell you.” Havers grabbed his drink, taking a sip and then placing it back down. 

That playful smirk only served to further dust his cheeks scarlet as he perceivers on in his recounting, “I knew about the card games too. I occasionally would find a stray card and although usually I do not condone the horseplay even I will admit that sometimes it was good for morale. As long as they kept the light down and kept relatively quiet about it I let them keep having their games but no you are very much right that they were not the subtlest bunch.”

He chuckled fondly recalling the memories swirling the liquid in his glass.

“One day… I would like to possibly go back to the old place. See Button House one last time and walk the grounds, eventually the military will decommission it I’m sure, maybe if that happens they will allow for visits. Perhaps you could come with me if you like.” He mentioned softly taking another few sips of his drink his gaze observing Havers quietly.

“That house holds so many good memories.” Especially of the unit and their time there but more importantly it also held memories of Havers that he cherishes to this day.

Havers isn’t surprised the Captain had known about the card games, the man took his job very seriously after all. It’s just a shame the other troops at the house seemed to get James so wrong, misunderstood him to a point where all they could see were faults of their own design.

Where they said the Captain rambled, Havers thought him to be knowledgeable. Where they said the Captain was strict over silly things, Havers thought he simply wanted to be a good Captain; and James knowing about the card games proves that he wasn’t some stuffy strict CO but rather a man who, yes was a stickler for rules, but not a dictator by any means. He was a fair man, a kind man, someone who should be in charge.

Havers listens as the other man speaks of his wish, nodding skin. “Well I think I would rather like that sir- I mean, sorry- James. I would like that very much.”

Anthony is smiling, to be invited to spend more time with the other man warmed his heart.

“It would be nice to see the big house again after so long.”

He nods in careful consideration more than willing to bring Anthony along with him whenever he went by the old house.

“It certainly will be nice seeing it again, I did not stay there the duration of the war. I was transferred to Weymouth so it would be a lovely to see it one last time. I imagine they will be handing it back over to the family in a few months since they won’t need to hold onto the property any longer.”

At least it’s his closest guess. For a while they fall into a comfortable silence just remembering so many of the little events that had happened in the house and the people who came and went. They had been at war but the time he spent with the unit even despite all the paperwork, drills, and inspections had been some of the most rewarding work. Getting to work with a whole unit of skilled inventors to help come up with new weapons had been a fascinating and exciting post. They were all very lucky to have been stationed there in the countryside where the only things they had to worry about for a while were air raids and how to obtain supplies. Once Havers had convinced him to be a bit more open in engaging with the other men in their unit and getting to know them at least at the surface level it had been some of the best times he had in the army. He had not known it at the time but he almost wished he could get some of those moments back. Having Havers around certain made it all easier to deal with and he couldn’t be more grateful he was home alive.

“Well I’m sure you were a valuable asset in Weymouth,” he says. 

“W-well I was really there just to supervise- wasn’t much to do really compared to Button House. He’s flattered by Havers’ words shaking his head letting out a breathy laugh.

 “I’m sure the house missed your presence too. I may be biased but no body could run that house better than you.” 

“Yeah, you might be just a bit biased.” He remarks, “but- I appreciate the assessment, I couldn’t have done it without your help.”

“Nonsense,” Anthony grins, pouring them both another glass. “To Button House, and it’s marvellous CO.”

 He simply shakes his head, allowing his glass to clink against Anthonys somewhat sheepishly before taking a sip of his drink. “To Button House.” 

They fall into the comfortable silence, simply basking in the prescene of once another and the memories they both held. Memories of cricket, weapons research and more flickered through Anthony’s mind.

“It somehow feels like yesterday and also another lifetime ago all at the same time,” says Anthony.

James can’t agree more, reveling in the happy memories quietly relaxing back into the couch. He could only wonder where his unit is now and what each of them might be doing after the war but wherever they end up going he hopes it worked out well for them.

Havers sits back, resting the back of his head on the sofa and letting out a little yawn and bringing his hand to his face. “Mm sorry,” he rubs his hand over his face, “all these memories..and today..and well..the last few years I guess, it’s all catching up with me.”

He lets out a content sigh, relaxing against the sofa cushion, his eyes are shut but he smiles.

 The Captain glances over at Havers raising a brow smiling pleasantly over the rim of his glass. He feels exceptionally lucky to see Havers like this, do open and casual no veneer of rank between them the sincerity in his eyes has always struck him and even now it still does.

“You know James,” he says somewhat sleepily and also perhaps slightly drunkenly, for even though the drink doesn’t make him act much differently it does have a small effect of loosening his lips for secrets to spill.

Havers lulls his head to the side, holding the other man’s gaze, though there’s a look of sincerity in his eyes, of caring.

“After everything.” He says, “I’m so glad I found you.”

He smiles softly, “and not just today.. I.. mean-, and I know it sounds a little odd so here me out, please… but I’ve loved knowing you. Working alongside you, and becoming your friend. What I’m trying to say is.. through everything we’ve been through, even with this god awful war, I’m glad I found you..”

Havers lets out a breath and laughs softly, “I don’t mean to get all sentimental on you.” He drinks again, finishing off the glass once more and putting on the table.

The sincerity of his words cuts right to the core and hits him unexpectedly unsure of what to say. What could he say really? He feels exactly the same, and he fights back the tears prickling at the corners of his eyes the alcohol making him weirdly emotional. He has been told all his life men are not meant to be emotional and he should show restraint, keep it to himself but he never could quite live up to such an impossible standard.

“I…” it’s hard for him to open up finishing off the last of his drink setting the empty glass across from Havers‘ glass on the table.

“I… I’m also very glad I met you.” He should stop while he’s ahead, all the alcohol from the day starting to go to his head.

“I’ve always had a rather difficult time finding people I work well with. Not many people are so willing to work with someone like me. You have a rare kindness Havers and I’m glad the war did not rob you of it, or me of you.”

Sometimes the memories feel like dreams, like something that couldn’t possibly happen to someone like him, someone so imperfect. Havers is perfect to him, in every way in his eyes.

“I can’t thank you enough, an I hope I will continue seeing a lot more of you. I enjoy your company and having you in my life.”

This level of honesty feels dangerous but liberating at the same time and refreshing to have. It’s so rare he feels he can have a open honest conversation with another man, men are always so closed off or see it as some sort of weakness a ‘feminine thing’ as if it were something to be ashamed of. Too many men like them have died from not being honest with one another and it’s not a mistake he will allow himself to make with Havers.

Havers listens intently, his eyes never leaving the other man’s as he talks. He never understood how others found it hard to work with the Captain, especially when working alongside James was when he felt happiest of all. Of course serving his country had come first and foremost, but now looking back on it, he can appreciate the dynamic he and James had as Captain as Lieutenant.

He can see how much they bettered one another, how the work was just that bit easier and how they fuelled greater ambitions and ideas from each other. Project William was a clear example of that. He will never understand the other men’s point of view, their were many stuffy commanding officers in the army, Havers knew because he had met a few, and while they had the best interests of the nation at heart Havers thought James his favourite commanding officer to have worked under.

He can only smile at the James suggestion of seeing more of eachother, the thought of spending more time in this man’s company made the swirly feeling in his stomach all the more prevalent. He turned slightly to sit side on once more, he was closer to the Captain this way, and speaking more face on.

“You don’t know how much that means to me James,” he says, “that you hope to remain friends with me.” His voice is laced with that of affection while his voice a tad raspy like the man had almost forgotten how to breathe at all. The effect the Captain seemed to have on him was amplified by the man’s kind words, his feelings, something he knew he was honoured to hear.

The smile on Anthony’s face makes up for all his worrying about how his words would be received. If could make him smile again and again he would do it in a heartbeat. That smile he’s reflected on so many times when he was alone is one of the things he treasures most about Havers.

He’s always been a man one could go to about anything and trust him immediately. Everything about him he’s beginning to realize is something he enjoys, something that’s haunted his thoughts for years in the most pleasant way. He has this ability to draw him in like a magnet that he should be more terrified of than he is. He should be more cautious, always telling himself to keep a proper distance between them so that he wouldn’t screw things up. He’s fallen so madly in love with this man it’s something utterly terrifying. Every smile, every touch, every glance makes it so much harder to keep that distance and to ignore. He had wanted to deny it for so long, for them to just be close friends to just be collaborators on projects so he wouldn’t have to face the facts, so he couldn’t potentially endanger Havers more than they already are but it’s almost impossible to ignore now.

His very voice is enough to bring a smile to his face sometimes all the emotions are just too much to handle. It’s something that feels so wonderful that he’s told himself he doesn’t deserve for years feeding into old insecurities. It’s still so hard to believe Havers could be so kind to someone that seems so fragile like him, it’s something he’s always hated about himself.

“I truly don’t understand how others could find it hard to work with you.. because truthfully I, well, I’m better for having worked alongside you. I.. you..you compliment me sir.”

He ducks his head, blushing, “shit,” he exclaims before correcting himself, “sorry, I mean, James,” he laughs softly and looks up. Suddenly he’s hit with a desire he usually had the willpower to lock away. His daydreams start to feel more real as he’s sat so intimately with the other man, like maybe, just maybe, there’s a chance.  

He smiles sadly to himself at his kind words, “It’s easier than you might think I suppose, but I’m glad to know you don’t share those same sentiments.” He manages a small soft laugh along with Havers at his continued slipping up his commitment to being so respectful is endearing and more effort than anyone else he’s met in life.

Something in the phrase you compliment me is so sincere and sweet that it makes his chest tighten. Did they really? He couldn’t fathom picturing himself being half the man he is without Havers’ influence but to think his own is so significant that Havers would feel that way is hard to wrap his head around. The way he feels Havers’ eyes linger on him isn’t unpleasant not like the usual stares he experienced in the army. They are so close together he should be worried about every little expression on his face being plainly visible even in the darkness but he couldn’t fathom Havers doing anything to hurt him. His words are so sincere and when he feels Havers take him by the hand he doesn’t fight it if anything it’s quite the contrary he holds on just a bit tighter wishing he could thread their fingers together. Good lord his words are turning his face bright red making his heart race. Does he have any idea how his kindness affects him so? Surely he must, he’s not the best at keeping it hidden and smiles sheepishly in Havers’ direction. He wishes that caring runs deeper than friendship and Haver’s soft tone almost leads him to believe in that fantasy.

Maybe it was the drink that would cause what was soon to happen, or maybe it was simply an over indulgence in the emotions he held of his own. Or maybe, it was just finally time. His eyes linger on the the other man temporarily as he’s hit with the overwhelming feeling, his eyes running over James’s beautifully happy expression.

“I look forward to spending more time with you too,” he says simply, before moving closer to grasp at the Captain’s hand.

“I mean it..i.. I enjoy your company, and I care about you. I feel so-” he catches the man’s eye, recognises how close they are, the way he’s almost in the other man’s lap as their knees push against one another. Somehow in his drunken movement he had moved perhaps slightly too close, though it’s a feeling not unwanted on his part it is a closeness not expressed from two men who were just friends.

Instead of moving back however Havers feels himself continuing to follow the pull taking over his thoughts.

“-Fortunate,” he says, his words slowing, “to have known you as a Captain, but more so as a friend.”

There’s a beat, and Havers gently caresses the hand he is holding without evening.

“A very dear friend,” he adds, his voice low.

The term friend feels so wrong, he looks down at their joined hands and then up to the Captain trying to register his expression. Suddenly his mouth aches, as though, neglected and he lets out a slight breath as the shock of his wants consumes him.

‘Oh’ he thought, oh indeed.

It’s getting increasingly harder to ignore the obvious signs and just how close they are. If crosses far over the line of being anything remotely reminiscent of how two men should behave. He’s so close he can almost feel his breath and the heat between them the air becoming static. He’s becoming more and more aware of his racing heart and the way their knees push together and how Havers’ palm feels against his own. It’s not alarming like it should be and any plausible deniability to his feelings he could conjure vanishes quickly. Without even being consciously aware of it he’s moved closure and at some point intertwined their fingers thought he can’t remember when.

It would be so easy to close the gap between them. Yet still even when every fiber of his being screamed at him to do it he can’t, he’s never regarded himself as a very brave man, enthusiastic sure but not frontlines material and it’s never been more frustrating than in this moment.

It’s hard to find words to express just how profoundly Havers’ words affect him and he searches his expression with a soft smile.

“Havers… thank you.”

He means it too and catches his gaze moving between Anthony’s eyes and lips before back to their hands.

“You are also someone very dear to me, you mean more to me than you know.”

It’s painfully honest, more than he’s ever managed before and even though the thought of being such a dear friend melts his heart it almost doesn’t seem an apt descriptor anymore. He’s come dangerously close to putting too much stock in his fantasies again, but when weighed against all the evidence it’s hard to deny.

If there’s even a sliver of hope, a fraction of truth in it he hopes Anthony can read him and see how much he cares and how much more it is than just old war friends. It’s so much more complicated than that now. Even still there’s the chance that they are just drunk and emotional. That this would all be over by morning and they would remain close but not as close as he would like and part of that notion now is almost soul crushing. He would cherish this night for the rest of his life if nothing else. If this is all he could have he would take what he’s been allowed or experience and cherish it forever but if there even a chance then god he selfishly hopes Havers takes the risk that he so cowardly can’t himself.

To be trusted enough by the Captain to hear how he feels about their friendship warms his very soul.

“I think perhaps I’m learning how much,” Havers says softly, almost in a whisper.

His eyes move to their joined hands, where the Captain had interwoven their fingers. They looked so perfectly nice together, it was so simple and yet so wonderfully complex at the same time. The feeling of the man’s fingers holding his could sustain him for a life time, even if at its core it was only a touch.

Anthony looks up, his eyes trailing from their hands, the Captain’s gloriously strong arms, his chest, and then back to his beautiful face. It was as though Havers was soaking him all in.

This was the most open he had ever seen the Captain, the most he had ever seen of James.

What a spectacular man he was.

He brings his free hand up slowly, cautiously, placing it on the side of the man’s face. Approaching his cheek delicately like one one would touch a flower petal. As soon as his fingers meet skin there’s a feeling of familiarity  like he was always supposed to hold him there. It was a feeling that could only be described as electric, causing his stomach to fizzle with joy.

The heat of the man’s blush at his finger tips is so precious, another detail Havers wishes to commit to memory. His thumb gently moves over the pocked skin, as though he could learn every crease and mole by feeling them. He would marvel at the beauty of such a man if he could think straight, would weep for those who would deny a love that burns so brightly in him for James.

It’s a mere second of his thumb feeling the Captain’s cheek, but it feels like longer. Time has escaped him, and here only the two of them exist.

Anthony lets out a shaky breath, like his fear of being wrong is physically leaving him. It’s beyond a doubt he is wrong about this, not when it feels so right. It’s as his thumb grazes the cheek that it happens, as his eyes meet James’s that he realises this was a real possibility. This was happening. There was a building of pressure in his chest, something climbing up through his throat and brutally escaping him. Words.

“Oh James” The way he says the other man’s name is packed with so much relief and wanting. There’s an ache in each syllable that is both magnificent and painful, for there’s no denying how much Havers wants this.

Then he’s leaning, not allowing self doubt a moment to creep in. Continuing to cup the Captain’s cheek ever so gently, he suddenly placed his lips against the other man’s. His slightly chapped lips meet a softness unlike anything he’s ever felt before. The bristle of the man’s moustache tickles him pleasantly and he feels as though he must have been transported because all he can hear is something similar to that of the ocean lapping against the shore.

There’s nothing and everything here, his brain rendered entrancingly empty because there is no need to worry or fear. Everything he has ever dreamed of has come to fruition.

He’s home.

THE END