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I like the way I look when I don’t eat
The smaller stomach
The more profined cheekbones
I like the way i feel when i don’t eat
The encouraging thoughts that this is easy and that I can get skinny.
The feeling of being skinny
The feeling of being light.
But what I love more is the taste of strawberries, the taste of sugar, The taste of creamer.
The feeling of strawberry flavored creamer with sugar going down my throat.
I love that.
I miss not feeling guilty when i eat. I miss the silence in my mind when I eat.
All i hear now is noise, the noise of not being good enough, the noise of being fat. The noise of eating.
Im now smaller, but I don’t feel like it.
I have people telling me I look sick.
But I love it, It means it’s working.
The months, The years, of suffering is finally paying off.
People are noticing.
Im getting fatter.
Its disgusting
Im locked up in a room that’s only mine for a few weeks.
My Clothes are starting to fit again.
I wish it didn’t
People say i look healthy
But what’s the point of that, when my mind is far from.
Im back where I started.
But maybe that’s not so bad.
Maybe my mind will heal over time the way everyone is telling me it will.
I don’t know
I don’t really know anything anymore.
I don’t know how much i weigh, I don’t know how many calories are in my body.
I don’t know when im allowed to say no to food.
I don’t think I am.
I know the next time im going to eat
I know what im eating.
Im eating
That’s new.
Maybe change is for the better.
But I don’t know.