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Nick didn’t know the man, but God, did he want to.
He was gorgeous, lithe with a sculpted bone structure and olive-toned skin, wild dark curls and a smile that dimpled his cheeks. He was wearing a pair of black skinny jeans and a dark jumper, looking both comfortable and cuddly and so very sexy.
He seemed a bit timid, though, so Nick was careful as he approached. He figured it was best if he made sure the man’s friend was nearby, though they weren’t in conversation, but it would be easy to start one. Nick knew Elle, and he knew that she was bringing a new friend to the company party, but he wasn’t expecting that friend to look divine.
“Hi,” he said with a grin. He made sure to address both Elle and the handsome stranger.
“Nick!” Elle leaned in for a hug that Nick happily returned. He was always happy when he was hanging out with Elle, her easy demeanor and level head made her a great friend. They’d met when they both started at the primary school the same year and bonded over their newness. With that, they’d gelled well over the past three years and Nick would easily consider her, her husband, Tao, Isaac, and Tara and Darcy his closest friends.
He turned to the stranger with a bright smile, trying to temper his enthusiasm. “Hi. I’m Nick.”
“Charlie,” the stranger offered.
“Charlie,” Nick repeated. He would firmly deny the way it sounded like a sigh. “It’s nice to meet you.”
Charlie offered him a smile, small but genuine. “You too. Elle has told me a bit about you.”
Nick cringed a bit. “All good, I hope?”
Elle rolled her eyes and said something about how it was all good, which just made Nick blush. Charlie let out a slight giggle, the most beautiful sound Nick had ever heard. Good God, he was done for.
The next few hours were spent talking with one another. Talking turned easily to flirting, and when Nick asked Charlie if he wanted to head out, the man gave a meek nod, cheeks a bit pink.
Nick drove them both back to his flat, where he invited Charlie up for a nightcap. Charlie agreed and followed Nick upstairs. Nellie seemed excited to see a new person, and Charlie easily got down on her level to lavish love upon the shameless pup. Nick made them teas that were soon left abandoned on the counter, traded in for kisses and rogue hands. He walked them to his bedroom, leaving a trail of clothes behind them. They shut the door behind themselves to keep Nellie out, and then…
Bliss.
***
Nick woke the next morning to Charlie still blissfully asleep in his bed. He was so pretty, haloed by the early morning light drifting leisurely through the window. Nick looked his fill, but eventually he heard Nellie scratching at the door and took pity on the poor girl. He felt a bit bad; he couldn’t remember the last time he’d left Nellie to sleep on her own. She usually spent her nights curled up at the foot of his bed, or sometimes pressed flush against him if it was cold. Clearly, she was not thrilled to have been left outside past bedtime.
Nick carefully got out of bed and threw on a pair of joggers, then quickly relieved himself before grabbing Nellie’s leash so she could do the same. She did seem a bit cross with him, especially when she realised they wouldn’t be going on a real walk, so Nick gave her extra pets and kisses, and threw her an extra treat when they got back in.
He slipped back into his room, once again shutting the door on the dog with a muttered apology, then turned back to his bed. Charlie was awake, still bundled under the covers, looking at his phone.
“Hi,” Nick said quietly.
Charlie gave him a small, closed-lipped smile. “Hey.”
Nick gestured awkwardly to the door. “I just had to take Nellie out.” Charlie nodded, relaxing a bit. Nick bit his lip. “Did you want breakfast? I’ve been told I make very good omelets.”
Charlie smiled again, this time a bit bigger. “Do you have coffee?”
Nick nodded. He didn’t know why, but the idea of Charlie staying was now a necessity. He couldn’t bear the idea of him leaving so soon. “I do. I don’t drink it much, so you can have as much as you’d like.”
Charlie sat up, adjusting the covers so that they were covering him up to his shoulders. He looked so cozy, Nick desperately wanted to get back in bed and just hold him. But now that he’d mentioned breakfast, he felt ravenous.
“I’ll go start it then,” he said. “Is there anything you want in your omelet? I have lots of vegetables and I think bacon.”
Charlie hummed. “Maybe spinach? And tomato?”
Nick nodded. “Of course! That’ll be ready in a few minutes.”
He left to give Charlie some privacy and put on the coffee maker along with the electric kettle. While the drinks were being made, Nick set out to make two omelets, both with spinach and tomato, though he added bacon bits to his own. Trying to get back on Nellie’s good side, he dropped a few bits on the ground for her to snatch up. When he did, he heard a little giggle from behind him, and spun to see Charlie, dressed now in his clothes from the previous night, and laughing at Nellie’s antics.
Nellie, seemingly reminded of a second person in the flat, ran to Charlie, excitedly launching herself at his legs. Charlie dropped to the floor, speaking softly to her and enthusiastically giving her pets. Nick smiled at the display, heart squeezing in his chest. He wished this could be his day-to-day.
“She’s so cute,” Charlie said, glancing up at Nick.
Nick hummed. “She is. I’ve had her since I was maybe thirteen. I told my mum she should keep her, but she’s always been really attached to me, so we agreed it’d be best for her to come live with me.”
Charlie softened. “Does your mum live close by?”
“Oh, yeah,” Nick said with a nod. “About a fifteen minute drive. I always knew I couldn’t be too far from her.”
“Mummy’s boy?” Charlie asked cheekily.
“And proud of it,” Nick answered with a grin. “I used to be teased for it, but all of my friends agree that she’s a great mum and it makes sense that we’d be close. It was just the two of us for a while, and she’s always been so supportive.”
“Well, she gave you your dog,” Charlie said, as if it was the most evident of their relationship. “I can’t imagine anyone willingly giving up this good girl.”
Nick chuckled as he turned back to the counter to continue prep. “She’s actually in a bit of a mood with me. Usually, she weasels her way into my room at night, so she’s a bit cross I kept her out.”
Charlie frowned. “Oh.”
“Yeah.” Nick shrugged. “But she’s got bacon, so I think I’m back in her good graces.”
Charlie giggled. Nick was really starting to love that sound. They spent some time in silence while Nick made their breakfast and Charlie played with Nellie, who had made herself quite comfortable sitting in his lap. Nick wished he had her confidence.
Eventually, Nick plated up their omelets and coaxed Nellie out of Charlie’s lap with more bacon bits. “No use in both of us getting on her bad side,” Nick told Charlie with a wink. Charlie flushed a little pink color that absolutely did not make Nick swoon.
They talked over breakfast about some things they didn’t quite discuss while they were too busy flirting and… doing other things the night prior. Nick told Charlie about how he’d been working at Harlem Primary School for about three years now, as long as Elle, to whom he’d become quite close. He taught Year Two, while Elle taught art. In turn, Charlie told Nick that he worked remotely for a publishing house, reading and editing manuscripts. He explained briefly that he used to live in London, but moved back a few months ago. Nick wanted to ask about it, but Charlie got a bit closed off when he said it, so Nick moved the conversation along.
Eventually, Charlie said he had to go, and Nick nodded and walked him to the door. Charlie bent down to give Nellie some last pets and a kiss goodbye, then shyly asked if Nick might like his number so they could do this again some time. Nick scrambled for his phone, with absolutely zero cool. He nearly dropped it entirely, but it made Charlie laugh, so Nick suffered through the embarrassment as Charlie input his contact into Nick’s phone.
Nick quickly sent Charlie a text. “There. Now you have mine. Let me know you got home safe, yeah?”
Charlie nodded, seeming almost touched by the request. “You really want me to?”
Nick looked into Charlie’s eyes, brown meeting the most beautiful blue. “I really want you to.”
Charlie bit his lip, shy, then leaned up and gave Nick a kiss on the corner of his mouth. With that, Charlie said one last goodbye, blushing fiercely as he practically ran out the door.
Fifteen minutes later, Nick got a message:
Charlie (10:42 AM)
just got home
Nick smiled at his phone.
Glad to hear it
He debated doing what he was about to do, then decided, fuck it. He took a picture of Nellie sitting pitifully by the door and sent the photo to Charlie with the caption, Nellie misses you already.
oh nellie misses me?
Nick bit his lip. He decided to go for it. He’d never had a connection like this, something so instant and passionate.
Maybe I miss you too
Last night was amazing
He waited anxiously for a message back. To get rid of some of his nervous energy, he started clearing up the kitchen. His phone pinged after a minute, and he nearly dived for the device like the fool he was.
it really was
maybe we could see each other again?
Nick punched his fist in the air. He may have startled Nellie a bit, but he was too excited to care. Hell, maybe he'd give her some more bacon as an apology for the stressful morning.
I’d like that
Good
***
After that, it became a bit of a regular thing. Nick and Charlie would meet up at least once a week, under the pretense of pretty much anything they could think of, though they both knew how it was going to end. Eventually, they gave up pretending.
Nick couldn’t say that the sex wasn’t fantastic, because it was. It was truly the best he’d ever had. Every single time he had Charlie in his bed was like a whirlwind, and every time was better than the last.
But Nick knew himself, and he knew he wanted more. And by the way Charlie looked at him, Nick could tell he wanted more, too. Nick wanted to call Charlie his boyfriend. He wanted to take him on dates and introduce him to his mum and have lie-ins together and just be happy. Being with Charlie was just wonderful. They got along so easily, and they had a rapport like they'd known each other their entire lives and not just a few months. Their conversations never really ended, between texts and phone calls, and in-person. Nick had never felt so close to someone. And tonight, he was going to ask for more.
Nick took a deep breath before he opened the door. He’d prepared dinner for them—nothing fancy, just spaghetti—and was going to ask Charlie if they could move forward. He was truly hoping Charlie would say yes. He was almost certain he would.
He greeted Charlie with a smile and a kiss on the cheek. Charlie sighed, squeezing his bicep lightly in greeting, then tilted his head.
“What’s this?”
Nick turned, embarrassed suddenly, and extremely nervous. “Oh. I, um, made dinner?”
Charlie looked a bit anxious, giving Nick a weak smile. “Oh.”
Nick rubbed the back of his neck, face heating. “Yeah. I realised I hadn’t eaten yet, so…”
Charlie nodded. “Okay.”
They stood awkwardly for a moment. Nick gestured vaguely to the table. “Do you want to…?”
“Sure.”
They sat down together, and Nick gave them each a serving. He’d gotten wine, but considering how strange Charlie’s reactions had been already, he didn’t want to overwhelm him. Instead, he got them both waters and they ate. It took a few minutes, but they eventually broke through the awkward barrier and got back to normal, just chatting about their week like always.
“So, we have the glue, and everything’s fine. I really thought it was perfectly normal,” Nick was saying with a laugh. “And then we’re about to go to lunch, so I have all the kids wash their hands like always. And these two girls are about to go together, and I tell them they need to go one at a time. That’s when they lift up their hands and tell me that they glued themselves together.”
Charlie’s eyes bulged. “Oh my God! What did you do?”
Nick shook his head. “I just sort of pulled them apart. Luckily the glue was just basic stuff, not too strong. The girls were more disappointed than anything else. I was just so surprised! I mean, they just… glued their hands together!”
Charlie laughed. “Why?”
Nick shrugged. “They said they were best friends. As if that explains everything.”
Charlie snorted. “Totally.”
Nick’s laugh tapered off, and he was left smiling warmly at the other man. “Charlie.”
Charlie looked up. “Hm?”
Nick bit his lip. He traced patterns in the condensation on his glass of water. “I, um… I wanted to ask if… maybe you’d want to go out sometime?”
Charlie sat up straighter, tense. “Oh.”
That wasn’t a good sign. That was not a good oh. That was a very bad oh.
“It’s just that,” Nick tried explaining, “it seems like we’ve been sort of heading that way, and I really like you, Charlie. It sort of feels like that’s what we’re doing now. And I wanted to… Well, I wanted to make it official.”
Charlie swallowed heavily. He looked almost a bit pale. “I… I can’t, Nick.”
Nick felt his heart squeeze uncomfortably in his chest. “You—you can’t?”
Charlie shook his head. “I’m sorry. This—this has been a mistake, this whole thing was a mistake. I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore.”
Charlie stood from his seat, nearly knocking his chair back in his haste to leave. Nick followed him, trying to get Charlie to just stop, but he was out the door and gone before Nick could think of what else he could say.
He turned around to face the remainders of their dinner, Nellie looking sad on her dog bed in the corner, and his otherwise empty flat. He’d never felt so alone.
***
Nick allowed himself to wallow for the rest of the night. He changed into ratty sweats and did the dishes, tossing the leftovers. Just the sight of them made him feel sick. The whole time, he heard it over and over. This has been a mistake.
Over and over and over. This has been a mistake.
A mistake...
Mistake...
Nick ached. These past few months with Charlie had genuinely been the best of Nick's life. They had, what Nick had thought was, a real connection. They didn't go a minute without texting or talking, they never went more than a few days without seeing each other. And it was never just about the sex, at least not for Nick. It was about Charlie. About Nick and Charlie, together. Nick had thought they had been falling in love, come to find out Charlie thought of it all as a mistake.
This whole thing was a mistake.
Nick wondered how much of that was because of just him. He'd always been too much for people. He'd never been enough of the good things, too much of the bad. He'd been told by his exes that he got too clingy, that he smothered them. Maybe that was what Charlie saw. Maybe that was what Nick had been doing the whole time. Maybe Charlie had been wanting to step back, meanwhile Nick was trying desperately to move forward.
After he finished cleaning up and got changed, he curled up in bed with Nellie and a pint of ice cream. They watched rom-coms until the ice cream was gone and Nick was asleep.
In the morning, he forced himself up and out of bed, if only because Nellie was whining, needing to go out. Nick changed then took her on a long walk, breathing in the fresh air. Nellie stayed close at his side, seemingly aware of Nick’s bad mood and need for her presence.
When they got back to the flat, he put on fresh sweats and ate a bowl of cereal on the couch with Nellie tucked to his side. They resumed their movie marathon on the couch.
Just you and me Nells, Nick thought to himself.
He wished he knew what he’d done wrong. What was it that made Charlie run away? Had he been asking for too much? Nick was pretty sure his entire life he’d only wanted too much, pushed too much, been too much. Maybe Charlie didn’t want to commit to Nick. Maybe their relationship was different. Maybe Nick was just projecting romantic feelings onto Charlie, but to the other man, their relationship was strictly physical.
Nick was roused from his thoughts by a light knock on the door. He sighed and dropped a kiss on Nellie’s head, then lurched to his feet and shuffled over to the door.
Nick stared, wide-eyed, at a nervous Charlie standing in the hall outside his flat. Charlie gave a little smile. “Can I come in?”
Nick nodded and opened the door wider, stepping aside to allow Charlie inside. Charlie’s shoulder brushed against Nick’s chest as he walked by. Nick shuddered, suddenly realizing he was still dressed in old joggers and a jumper.
They sat down on the couch together, Nellie between them. She rested her head in Nick’s lap, sensing his need for comfort.
Charlie released a shaky breath. “Nick, I… First, I wanted to apologise for what I said last night. About this being a mistake? I didn’t mean it.”
Nick averted his gaze, unsure if he should trust it. After all, wasn't this what Nick had always been told? That he was too much? That he wasn't worth a relationship? That he was no good at long-term? “So…” He started hesitantly, “if it wasn’t true, then why did you say it?”
Charlie gave a heavy sigh. “There’s something about me that I haven’t told you.”
“Okay,” Nick said slowly.
Charlie pursed his lips together as he took slow, deep breaths. “I’m married.”
Nick’s stomach dropped. He thought he might be physically sick. Because Charlie didn’t say he was married, as in past tense, or getting a divorce, or even just separated. He said he was married. As in, still in that moment, fully, completely married.
Did that make Nick a homewrecker? Was he having an affair? Was he an adulterer? What if Charlie had children? Was he ruining people's lives?
“Oh my God,” Nick rasped, lungs tight.
“Nick, wait,” Charlie rushed. “I’m not… I’m still legally married, yes, but it’s over. Long over.”
Nick looked at Charlie with furrowed brows, reluctant to accept what he was claiming. “Then, what? How can you be married when it's long over, Charlie?”
Charlie sighed, sounding almost resigned, and maybe looking a bit ashamed. “The thing is… my ex was very abusive.”
Nick closed his eyes, a wave of pain washing over him. That sick feeling returned, but for an entirely different reason.
Charlie continued, “Ben was terrible to me. The abuse was constant, and severe. But Ben knew how to get away with it. He was very wealthy, an heir to a big company, so we had a lot of land, and we were far from our neighbors, so I doubt they heard much. If they did, they were the kind of people who I doubt would have even said anything. So no police visits. And he had a family friend who was a doctor, who would check me out if Ben thought I needed medical attention. So no hospital visits. There was no record of anything. If I said anything, it’d be my word against his. The word of a man with multiple mental illnesses and several stints in psychiatric wards, against a respected member of society. Who would believe me?”
Nick blinked against a burn in his eyes, trying to fight back tears. Charlie looked so downtrodden, so defeated. Nick physically ached with it. “I believe you,” he tried. Charlie gave him a hollow, fleeting smile.
“Thanks,” he muttered. “But I knew it wouldn’t go well. So instead, I just… ran. I packed up some of my things when he was out and paid for a train ticket in cash, and I was gone for good." He took a shaky breath. Nick longed to comfort him, but he didn't know how.
“The point is,” Charlie continued slowly, hesitantly, “Ben doesn’t know where I am. He doesn’t know where my family is. He doesn’t know how to find me. And there’s no record of what all happened, so I couldn’t get a restraining order—not that I think that would even stop him. But if I filed for divorce, I’d have to put my address. He'd have my phone number and exact location. And then he’d know where I am. He’d know how to find me.” Charlie looked into Nick’s eyes, pain swimming through deep, deep blue. “Nick, I really think if he found me, he’d kill me.”
Nick swallowed back a wave of nausea. “Char—”
“I wish I could be with you,” Charlie barreled on. He was crying now, too fast to stop, but he didn’t seem to care. “But it would be so selfish. If we were together, you would be in danger. I don’t know all that he’s capable of. I don’t know what he’d do if he found out I was with someone else. And yes, you're strong, but if he has a knife or a gun... If he even just hurt you because of me... I’m just sorry I didn’t realise it sooner, I’ve been putting you in danger this whole time. I spend so much time watching out for him, I didn't even realise you should've been doing it, too.”
Charlie sniffled and sobbed lightly. “And even besides that, I know you want to get married, and I know you want kids. And I can’t give you those things. I want to. I wish I could, Nick. But I will always be legally married to Ben, so I can’t marry you. And, God, could you imagine if he found out I had children? If he did something to you or to anyone else, I would never forgive myself. I have spent every day for the past year and a half looking over my shoulder, Nick, I can't make anyone else do the same. If he found me, if he found us, I—I don't—” Charlie's breaths were getting faster, his eyes wild with fear.
Nick quickly interrupted, “Charlie, I understand.”
Charlie seemed to take a moment to comprehend what Nick was saying, then sagged slightly with relief. “You do?”
“Of course I do,” Nick assured him. “I understand that you’re afraid. I understand why. Hell, anyone would be.” Nick chewed his lip, unsure of how to continue. Carefully, he added, “But you deserve to be happy, Charlie. Even if that’s not with me.”
Charlie’s eyes welled with tears again. Nick wanted to soothe him, but he didn’t know how. “I don’t know, Nick.”
“I do,” Nick insisted. “I know that you deserve better than this. You deserve to be loved, and you deserve to be happy. I... I want to be with you,” Nick told him. He kept eye contact, trying to convey through his gaze alone the raw truth in his statement and the magnitude of his emotions. “I really like you, Charlie. Every moment we’re together is amazing. And I don’t need those things.” Half-joking, he added, “As long as we can still have a dog.”
Just as Nick had hoped, the tag-on made Charlie chuckle, even if it was still accompanied by tears. He ruffled Nellie's fur as he agreed that, of course, they'd have a dog. It wasn't long before Charlie's smile faded, just the ghost of relief in the slant of his brows. “Are you sure, Nick?” He asked. “It’s… That's not all of it, Nick. I have a lot of issues. Like I said, multiple stints in the mental hospital. Several diagnoses. And that's not even the whole of it. And with Ben... I can’t ensure that he won’t come back. Or that he won’t do something to you.”
“All the more reason to stay together,” Nick said with a shrug. “Strength in numbers, yeah?”
Charlie nodded shyly. “Are we really doing this?”
Nick’s heart did a happy little cartwheel in his chest. Still, he tried to stay calm as he said, “If this is what you want, Char. It’s what I want.”
“But Ben—”
“He doesn't control you, Charlie,” Nick interrupted firmly. “You left him. You got away from him. You deserve to live your life. You deserve to be happy. And I... I want to be with you. I want to make you happy, Char. I'd like to try to make you happy, if you'd let me.”
The smile that graced Charlie’s face was like the most wonderful gift. He nodded, nervous, but sure. Nick couldn’t help but grin, and he let out a giddy little laugh. Charlie leaned over across Nellie and planted a chaste kiss on Nick’s lips. And, God, if that wasn’t worth everything in the world.
I'll protect you, Nick wanted to say. He thought it over and over again as they kissed, as he tasted Charlie's tears on his tongue, as he soothed the shaking in his hands. Let me protect you.
Let me protect you.
As Nick held Charlie in his arms and Nellie excitedly trampled both of their laps, her tail wagging as the two men laughed together, Nick knew he would take on that task a million times over. He'd take on any risk, any danger, if it meant he got to make Charlie look as happy and care-free as he did right at that moment.
I love you, I love you, I love you. I'll protect you. I love you.