Chapter Text

— carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened a memo on board Fruitier Rumpussier Troll Factory! —
— carcinoGeneticist [CG] added seven people to the memo! —
CG: ALRIGHT, I DON’T KNOW IF YOU’RE GETTING THIS, BUT THE BOTTOM LINE IS THE GAME’S FUCKED US OVER AGAIN. I’M BACK ON ALTERNIA, I’M ASSUMING YOU BULGESORES ARE BACK ON EARTH, NOBODY BUT ME, KANAYA, AND I ASSUME VRISKA AND TEREZI REMEMBERS THE GAME, AND IT’S ONLY A SWEEP AWAY FROM ENLISTMENT. BOTTOM LINE: WE’RE SCREWED. WELL, I’M SCREWED. I’M SURE YOU HUMANS ARE HAVING A GREAT TIME IN YOUR CUSHY ‘HOUSES’ WITH YOUR RIDICULOUS ‘PARENTS’.
TG: Guess again.
CG: WELL, SHIT. WE’VE BEEN TRANSPORTED TO THE TIMELINE WHERE YOU KNOW WHAT BASIC FUCKING SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS. OBVIOUSLY, IT’S DOOMED.
— turntechGodhead [TG] added one person to the memo! —
TT: Wrong Strider. Dave’s still asleep, and we’re on Alternia with you.
CG: THAT’S FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE.
TT: I’d think so too, but that sopor stuff works wonders.
CG: YOU KNOW THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU FUCKING NOOKWIPE! ALIENS CAN’T BE ON ALTERNIA, YOU’RE ALL GOING TO BE KILLED BY
CG: WAIT. SOPOR?
TT: Oh, did I not mention that?
TT: maybe there right.....
TT: that some times video games,
TT: DOES CAUSE sudden transformation into a different species.
CG: HOLY FUCKING THIRD ORIFICE ON THE MOTHER GRUB’S THORAX. IGNORING THAT LOAD GAPER SPEW, YOU’RE A TROLL? ARE ALL OF THE HUMANS TROLLS?
TT: Well, I can’t speak for all of us, but the Striders are officially in horntown.
TT: Actually, our last name is Ambulo now. Somebody set the game up with Crocker Translate, apparently.
CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS HAPPENED TO DAVE, TOO?
TT: I think you would call them “ganderbulbs”.
CG: WAIT. SO YOU AND DAVE ARE SHARING A HIVE?
TT: An apartment, yeah.
CG: HMM.
TT: Nice “Hmm”. Very informative as to which fucked-up corner of alien culture I’ve stumbled into.
CG: IT’S JUST THAT TROLLS DON’T SHARE HIVES UNLESS THEY’RE CLOSE.
CG: VERY CLOSE.
TG: goddamnit karkat this is not the time for the incestuous slurry talk
TT: The fucking what.
CG: I WASN’T GOING TO! I’M *TRYING* TO BE CULTURALLY SENSITIVE HERE! YOU TWO ARE OBVIOUSLY MOIRAILS ANYWAYS.
TG: (thats the no homo quadrant btw)
CG: NO THE FUCK IT IS NOT. YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS ENTIRE MEMO IS WORTHLESS. I’M MAKING A NEW ONE.
— carcinoGeneticist [CG] has shut down memo! --

Chapter Text

— carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened a memo on board Fruitier Rumpussier Troll Factory! —
— carcinoGeneticist [CG] added eight people to the memo! —
— timaeusTestified [TT] added three people to the memo! —
CG: OKAY, TAKE TWO. ATTENTION ALL NEWLY-FORMED TROLLS: ARE YOU CROTCHBLISTERS DEAD OR WHAT.
GG: I’m perfectly fine. I do have a rather urgent question, though!
GG: How the fuck do you turn off the mind reading???
CG: SHIT. VRISKA, IF YOU’RE DONE WITH WHATEVER-THE-FUCK, NOW WOULD BE A GREAT TIME TO JOIN THE MEMO!
GC: SH3 DO3SN’T R3M3MB3R.
CG: **WHAT**???
GC: SH3 D1DN’T COM3 THROUGH TH3 DOOR W1TH US! SH3 DO3SN’T R3M3MB3R!
— carcinoGeneticist [CG] removed one person from the memo! —
GC: H3Y!
CG: WELL I DIDN’T WANT TO CONFUSE HER MORE!
GG: *Excuse* me!
CG: RIGHT, SHIT. CAN YOU ASK HER?
TT: I’ve had a fair amount of success using the same tactics that I did against mental threats in the game. Have you tried the same things you used to defend yourself against the Condesce’s control?
TG: holy shit rose youre alive
TG: and psychic apparently
TT: I am indeed. My apologies for the delay; I’ve had some difficulties logging on to my computer.
TT: Or husktop, as the case may be.
GG: I’m trying, but it’s pretty difficult with all these different minds around me. Trolls sure think about killing each other a lot, don’t they!
CG: HOW MANY PEOPLE COULD THERE EVEN BE? YOU’RE A BLUEBLOOD, DON’T YOU LIVE IN A MANSION IN THE MIDDLE OF BULGEFUCK NOWHERE?
GG: I think that the game put us in the closest equivalents to our houses before. I’m in the suburbs right now.
CG: ALRIGHT. I THINK WE CAN SOLVE TWO PROBLEMS AT ONCE. GET OUT OF YOUR HIVE AND WALK TO CITY LIMITS. THERE WILL BE FEWER PEOPLE, AND WE’LL BE ABLE TO FIGURE OUT WHERE AT LEAST ONE OF YOU IS.
GG: I can’t do that!
CG: WHY THE EVERLOVING SPHINCTERFUCK NOT? I SAW YOU DURING THE GAME, AND I KNOW YOU HAVE PERFECTLY FUNCTIONAL WALKSTRUTS!
GG: BECAUSE I AM A TROLL NOW, AND I’M THINKING ABOUT KILLING OTHER TROLLS! A LOT!
GG: If I go outside and anyone even looks at me, I’m going to hit them over the head with my spoon! And watch the fucking language, buster!
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M PUTTING YOU IN HUMAN TIME OUT. GO CALM DOWN ENOUGH TO DO YOUR MIND WARDING TECHNIQUES.
— carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned gutsyGumshoe [GG] from responding to the memo! —
TT: Seriously?
CG: WE NEED TO FIGURE OUT IF ANYONE’S ABOUT TO GET THEMSELVES CULLED BEFORE WE CAN DEAL WITH NON LIFE THREATENING PROBLEMS.
CG: WELL, NOT THREATENING TO ANYONE WE CARE ABOUT. NO ONE WILL CARE IF A FEW MIDBLOODS GO MISSING FROM JANE’S NEIGHBORHOOD.
TT: I have a feeling that Jane will, but you have a point. So far, we know that Dave, Jane, Rose and I are alright, for certain values of ‘alright’. Rose, you wouldn’t happen to know where Roxy is, would you?
TG: sry here i was chatting up this fish chick who started randomly pestering me
TG: i guess im a fish chick 2 now tho lol
TG: srsly flipped ma shit when i 1st woke up til i realized ‘o hey wait im not drowning’
TG: then i flipped it AGAIN when i realized y
CG: WAIT. WAS THIS “FISH CHICK”’S TROLLHANDLE CUTTLEFISHCULLER?
TG: yah frond of urs im guessing
TG: *friend idk why i did that lol can trolls even get drunk
CG: SHIT. OKAY. TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT SHE SAID TO YOU.
TT: Is this really the most important thing to be focusing on right now?
CG: YES. NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN.
TG: k so after i mostly finished flipping tha hell out i checked my phone
TG: xcept my phone is sum kind of bug now pretty cute tbh
TG: & there were these messages from sumbody i didnt kno so i checked it out
TG: they were from this girl who was acting like we were bffs & i had no clue wtf was going on so i played along
TG: ig i must have been pulling sum smooth moves bc she said “Eel sea you LAT----ER! ;)
TG: i may not know anyfin about trolls but i am a winky face CONNOISSEUR
TG: & that 1 had some weight behind it
TG: *anything shit
TG: the 1s from her were actually in the message tho
CG: FUCK. ALRIGHT.
CG: THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT THE GAME GAVE YOU ACTUAL HISTORIES HERE INSTEAD OF JUST DUMPING YOU AND WAITING FOR YOU TO BE KILLED BY THE DRONES.
CG: THE BAD NEWS IS THAT FEFERI IS GOING TO KILL YOU.
TG: wat but she seemed so nice
CG: SHE IS. BUT TYRIANS HAVE AN INSTINCTIVE URGE TO KILL EACH OTHER TO CLAIM POWER, AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO FIGHT IN THIS BODY.
TG: y would u send a winky face to someone whose bones ur going to jump in the literal & not fun way
CG: NORMALLY I’D SAY THAT IT’S STANDARD PITCH FLIRTING, BUT THAT WOULDN’T WORK IF YOU TWO ARE ACTUALLY TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER. YOU’D NEED SOMEONE TO-
CG: SHIT.
CG: I NEED TO TALK TO SOLLUX.

Chapter Text

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA]! --
CG: SOLLUX.
TA: that2 my name kk ii know
CG: KNOW. NOT KN0W?
TA: wow. exactly the 2ame thing that ii ju2t 2aiid. iincrediible.
CG: NEVER MIND. YOU'RE FINE, I KNOW THAT.
TA: hell ye2 ii am
CG: OH MY GOG. LOOK, CAN YOU JUST TELL ME WHO FEFERI AND ROXY'S AUSPISTICE IS?
TA: ff and what?
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering twinArmageddons [TA]! --
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA]! --
CG: NCHAPU. WHO IS IT?
TA: you forgot her name diidn't you
CG: OF COURSE I DIDN'T! DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT I WOULD FORGET SOMETHING AS PAN-ROTTINGLY SIMPLE AS ONE OF OUR FRIENDS' NAMES?
TA: 2o you weren't textiing her ju2t now
CG: JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION!
TA: they don't have one
CG: THEN WHO KEEPS THEM FROM FUCKING *CULLING EACH OTHER*?
TA: ii do moron
CG: THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT AN AUSPISTICE DOES!
TA: no, iit'2 what 2omeone who doe2n't want hi2 mate2prit and ki2me2i2 to kill each other does.
CG: FEFERI IS YOUR MATESPRIT.
TA: obviiou2ly. ii'm glad you at lea2t remember that. maybe we won't have to go back through 'the barkbea2t 2ay2 bark' and 'the moobea2t 2ay2 moo' again.
CG: HOW IS R
CG: HOW IS NCHAPU YOUR KISMESIS *AND* FEFERI'S?
TA: 2eriiou2ly kk
TA: ii thought that you had gotten over this hornbea2t2hiit by now 2iince you have your whatever the fuck goiing on wiith a2
CG: AS.
TA: agaiin: exactly what ii ju2t 2aiid.
TA: diid you fall off your chaiir and hiit your head whiile jerkiing your bulge?
CG: NO, YOU NOOKWHIFF! I JUST
CG: FORGOT THAT I HAD TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT.
TA: not really a poiint agaiin2t my theory.
CG: SOLLUX.
CG: IF I TOLD YOU SOMETHING THAT SOUNDED CRAZY, I MEAN SCREECHBEASTSHIT INSANE, WOULD YOU BELIEVE ME?
TA: ii2 iit tiime travel
TA: iif iit ii2 then ye2 but you have 2 tell me how
CG: NO!
CG: KIND OF?
CG: THERE WAS TIME TRAVEL INVOLVED, BUT I AVOIDED THAT BULLSHIT LIKE THE PLAGUE.
TA: bull? what are you, a hiighblood?
CG: SOLLUX. THIS IS IMPORTANT.
CG: ABOUT A SWEEP AND A HALF AGO, DO YOU REMEMBER PLAYING A GAME?

Chapter Text

-- gardenGnostic joined memo ??? on board Frutier Rumpussier Troll Factory --
GG: hello?
GG: guys? are any of you getting this?
GG: argh! stupid wifiless ocean! >:(
GG: okay, you’ve got to be here on alternia somewhere!
GG: i’m going to find you, no matter how long it takes!

TG: alright well since karkats fucked off to do troll bullshit
TG: anybody know where the harlenglishberts are
TG: kinda concerning that the two people most likely to get themselves killed stupidly are missing just saying
TT: You’re not concerned for Jade?
TG: jades more likely to be doing the stupid killing
TG: speaking from experience here
TG: wait actually if dirk and i are in our apartment together shouldnt she be on that island with jake
TT: Somehow, I doubt it will be that easy. I do have a theory as to why they haven’t responded, though.
TT: Assuming they’ve followed the pattern the rest of us have established, they may both be jadebloods, and thus have inherited the rainbowdrinker’s diurnal habits.
TT: I’m not sure whether it’s a trait that applies to all of their caste, but Kanaya is still asleep, and she is now decidedly in the land of the living.
GC: SO SH3’S NOT 4 R41NBOWDR1NKER 4NYMOR3?
GC: TH4T 4LMOST M4K3S S3NS3, 3V3RYON3 3LS3 C4M3 B4CK TO L1F3, 4FT3R 4LL! WHY NOT K4N4Y4?
TG: oh hey rezi
TG: sorry about the uh
TG: vriska
GC: TRU3R WORDS H4V3 N3V3R B33N SPOK3N, COOLK1D
GC: BUT 1T LOOKS L1K3 TH1NGS H4PP3N3D MOSTLY TH3 S4M3 4S TH3Y D1D 1N TH3 G4M3, 3XC3PT FOR 4LL TH3 MURD3RY P4RTS >:]
GC: H3H3H3
TG: was that supposed to be regular smile with horns or a murder hasnt happened *yet* smile
GC: >:]
TG: yeah i probably shouldve seen that one coming
TT: So, the issue is that they’re still asleep?
TT: I think that the skulltop’s speakers could be activated remotely, if there were some genius hacker with all the tech royal blood can buy willing to do it.
TT: …
TG: o fuck u meant me
TG: yea thats me heir to the biznasty throne n all that
TG: gimme a sec
-- golgothasTerror [GT] joined the memo! --
GT: Davy jones barnacle encrusted BOLLOCKS, was that really necessary??
GT: My poor ears are still ringing and im going to be sick to my stomach! Its the middle of the night!
TG: yeah but thats the middle of the day because were trolls now
GT: Were WHAT????
TG: yknow the gray horny things
TG: i mean things with horns but that works too lol
GT: I know what they are! I woke up less than a minute ago and im a member of a different friggin species! Give me some slack here!
GT: Speaking of which... holy rigamole this is odd.
GT: !!!
TT: Jake?
GT: Well bodily changes aside someone is calling for me *in real life*! Got to be off!
TT: We need to know where you are and if you’re in danger before you can leave.
-- golgothasTerror [GT] left the memo! --
TT: …
TG: oooooofffff fumbled
GC: H3H3H3
TT: Seriously?
TT: Fumbling aside, he is at least secure enough that he doesn't feel the need to ask for assistance. I do wish we'd found out where Jade is, though.
-- gutsyGumshoe rejoined the memo! --
GG: I don't know about Jade, but I think if we work together we can figure out where Jake is just from that!
TT: A chance to see the famed Crocker detective skills at work? Color me intrigued.
GG: Oh, stop that. You're going to make me blush.
TG: (hey wtf are you seeing this)
TG: (ikr)
GG: AHEM! Commentary in easily-readable parentheses aside, notice the first thing Jake said! A bit odd, isn't it?
TT: When has he ever said anything even remotely normal? It's like he was taught to talk by the Wikipedia article on outdated slang.
GG: Well, maybe. But look at that! Davy Jones? Barnacles? That isn't prohibition-era, that's pirate speak!
TT: So?
GG: SO, we already know that aquatic trolls have a SEArious pun issue...
TG: janey can we not talk abt that
GG: Alright, alright. So, it stands to reason that nautically-inclined trolls would have similar compulsions. That, combined with his comment about being nauseous, leads me to believe that he's on a boat!
GC: W3'LL M4K3 4 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR OUT OF YOU Y3T, S34RG3NT SUG4RDUST!
GG: I sure hope not! I'd like to avoid lacerating anyone else.
TG: wait wdym else
GG: Oh dear.
GG: Well, the truth is,thanks to Rose's advice, I realized that I wasn't angry because of my telepathy- I couldn't control it because I was angry. So, I decided to go and get to know my neighbors, so I wouldn't be upset about them!
TG: & thats when the lacerating happened?
GG: That's a bit of an overstatement. Yes, there may have been a few... warning shots. The important thing is that I'm feeling much better, and I'm not at risk of attacking anyone, physically or mentally!
GG: Verbally. I mean verbally.
TT: Hmm. Say, Jane, the troll we knew of your blood caste was capable of both mind reading and mind control. You wouldn't happen to have noticed anything similar?
GG: No siree! Why would you ask?
TT: Oh, she just came to mind due to your theory about pirates. She was a very avid one, or perhaps is.
GC: W41T 4 M1NUT3... *1'M* ON 4 BO4T!
GC: H4! 1'V3 FOUND YOUR L1TTL3 W4T3RM3LON FR13ND!
GG: Really? Jake? Is he alright?
GC: MOR3 TH4N 4LR1GHT!
GC: 1N F4CT, H3 S33MS TO H4V3 GOTT3N H1MS3LF 4 SH1NY N3W MO1R41L!
GC: MY MO1R41L! FUNNY HOW TH3 G4M3 JUST 3R4S3D TH3 THR33 Y34RS W3 SP3NT TOG3TH3R!
GC: H1L4R1OUS! H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4
TT: Terezi, don't do anything rash.
GC: WH4T, DO YOU TH1NK 1'M JUST GO1NG TO JUMP 1N 4ND 4TT4CK H1M?
GC: 1S TH4T WH4T YOUR S33R POW3RS 4R3 S4Y1NG, 1N TH31R 1NF1N1T3 W1SDOM?
GC: CL34RLY 1 DON'T H4V3 TH3 FOR3S1GHT NOT TO GO 4ROUND 4TT4CK1NG P3OPL3...
TG: terezi cmon
GC: B3C4US3...
TG: this horse is so dead it got brought back to life through bullshit game mechanics four or five times and killed again
GC: 1'M BL1ND! H3H3H3H3
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] left the memo! --
TG: well shit

Chapter Text

-- ectoBiologist began pestering turntechGodhead! --
EB: dave?
TG: holy shit youre alive
TG: i mean uh
TG: sup
EB: what’s ‘sup’ is that i’m a troll! also, keyboards are really fragile!
TG: yeah we kinda figured
TG: made a whole memo about it you seen that or what
EB: bluh. i really don’t want to deal with that right now.
TG: k well can i at least tell them youre alive
TG: dont tell her i said this but rose is kinda freaking out
EB: rose is? :/
TG: yeah you know how those flighty broads are
TG: always getting cases of the vapors
TG: more vaping than a gas station alleyway over here
TG: anyway what did you want to talk about
EB: seriously? the troll thing!
EB: i can’t be the only one whose not okay with this!
TG: yeah shit sucks but like
TG: i think we all knew the game wasnt actually going to let us have some perfect new universe or whatever
TG: obviously were trying to get back to earth but we arent in the game anymore
TG: no more sylladex no more specibus
TG: no more glitches and no more resets
TG: this might just be who we are now
-- ectoBiologist blocked turntechGodhead! --
TG: okay damn
TG: hey whenever you unblock me
TG: i know this sucks a bunch of troll bulges or whatever
TG: but ill be there if you need me
TG: fuck that was so corny
-- turntechGodhead ceased pestering ectoBiologist! --

CG: ALRIGHT, I'M BACK. SOLLUX SHOULD BE TRYING TO TALK FEFERI DOWN, BUT THAT PLAN RELIES ON SOLLUX. START SHORING UP YOUR DEFENSES, ROXY.
CG: FUCK. PUN DEFINITELY NOT INTENDED.
CG: IN OTHER NEWS, I TOLD HIM ABOUT THE GAME, AND HE SAID THAT NO ONE HAD HEARD FROM HARLEY IN SWEEPS. ALSO THAT YOU WERE ALL JUST AS ENTANGLED IN BULLSHIT TEENAGE DRAMA AS THE REST OF OUR FRIENDS, WHICH HE WOULDN'T ELABORATE ON BECAUSE IT'S STUPID.
CG: HIS WORDS AND MINE. IF YOU'RE THAT CURIOUS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIVES, GO ASK NEPETA. SHE'S ALIVE AGAIN, MIGHT AS WELL PUT HER TO WORK.
CG: I WOULD ASK WHAT YOU'VE ACCOMPLISHED, BUT I ALREADY SCROLLED UP TO SEE THE VAST EXPANSE OF FUCKALL. ENGLISH IS ALIVE, AT THE VERY LEAST. AND DATING VRISKA? DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING.
TG: thanks for the marching orders general vantas
TG: troops are on their way to retrieve catgirl shipping info as we speak
CG: I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO BOTHER WITH ANYTHING MORE THAN TELLING YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.
TG: wait speaking of catgurls wat abt the sprites
TG: what abt CALLIE??? is she a troll 2?
TT: How is that "speaking of catgirls"? What are you implying?
TG: i wuz talkin abt how gcatavvy & davepeta & jasprose r all cats BUT now that u mention it arquius could rock some cat ears
TT: No.
TG: admit it ur thinkin abt it
TT: I really wish I weren't.
TG: john just pestered me
CG: OH THANK JEGUS'S LITTLE ELVEN MINIONS. WHY HASN'T HE ANSWERED ANY OTHER MESSAGES?
TG: lol his wut
TG: his little elven minions you heard the man
TG: also i think he might have broken his keyboard
TG: wait jesus or john?
CG: CAN YOU ALL SHUT YOUR IGNORANCE GASHES LONG ENOUGH FOR ME TO FIGURE OUT IF EVERYONE IS ALIVE! DO NONE OF YOU CARE THAT JADE COULD ALREADY BE DEAD?
TT: You raise a good point. Do you know of any nearby islands large enough to house a girl and her dog?
CG: ALTERNIA DOESN'T HAVE MANY ISLANDS. THEY USUALLY GET BLASTED TO MAKE ROOM FOR SEADWELLERS, SINCE THEY APPARENTLY CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT APPROXIMATELY A FUCKTON NAUTICAL MILES TO THEIR NAME.
CG: NO OFFENSE.
TT: Wait, so you think that happened to Jade?
TT: Not necessarily. Jake appears to have been placed on a boat, since an island wasn't available, so Jade may be in a similar predicament.
TT: The ocean is not famously known for its internet connectivity.
TG: yeah but jake is with terezi and vriska
TG: jade cant run an entire ship by herself
TG: and besides shed have to dock occasionally
TT: I do hope you'll excuse me for preferring the interpretation where our friend is still alive.
TG: UM well speaking of friends still being alive nobody answered my question re: sprites?

-- tentacleTherapist began pestering tipsyGnostalgic! --
TT: I have a theory as to where they've gone. I'd appreciate it if you would stop asking, if you please.
TG: y? is it bad? if you think they just disintegrated into little 1s & 0s i want 2 know!
TT: Aw, a little source-of-my-being destruction isn't enough to get rid of me!
TG: omggg jaspycat ur alive!
TT: Dubiously so. Rose and I have been fighting over this body like two kittens tugging on either end of a string!
TT: Speaking of which, I think that that's quite enough. I'm sure that you can see the issue now; what I had thought were psychic powers were actually the mad ramblings of an alternate version of myself.
TG: rude jasp is hi-larious
TG: wait so is dp in daves head? how does this even work lol
TT: If that were the case, I believe we'd have already heard of it. Besides, that would place ARquius with Dirk.
TG: yikes k glad we dodged that bullet
TG: but where r they?

-- arsenicCatnip [ac] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT]! --
AC: B33< arquius?
AC: B33< are mew there?

Chapter Text

TG: k nvm about the sprites
TT: So someone just told you what happened to them.
TG: wut nooo
TT: Hm. Well, that still leaves Calliope and Jade. Can you ask the friend who you told about a secret that could put all of us in danger without mentioning it to any of us if he’s heard of her?
CG: HIS NAME IS SOLLUX, CHUTESTICK. AND THE ONLY WAY THIS GETTING OUT COULD PUT YOU IN DANGER IS IF YOU’RE CULLED FOR BEING OUT OF YOUR THINKPANS.
TG: chutestick huh
TG: thats a new one
CG: IT’S AN INCREDIBLY INTRICATE INSULT THAT REFERENCES MANY CULTURAL CORNERSTONES. IT’S A DEVASTATING BLOW.
TG: so does it mean hes got a stick up his ass or what
CG: FUCKING OBVIOUSLY. GIVE ME A MINUTE.
-- golgothasTerror [GT] rejoined the memo! --
GT: I dont mean to interrupt what im sure is very important business, but theres some sort of dame trying to put me through the tastebud tango and its starting to get awkward.
GG: My goodness! I know troll romance is a bit... different, but surely that's overly forward by even your standards?
CG: DO YOU THINK WE'RE JUST SKITTERING AROUND HUMPING EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME, CROCKER? NO, DON'T ANSWER THAT. I'M SURE YOUR DELICATE HUMAN SENSIBILITIES COULDN'T BEAR TO GIVE AN AFFIRMATIVE.
GT: No not like that!! I mean shes licking me!
GG: Goodness GRACIOUS! D:
GT: No!!! Great scott woman get your mind out of the gutter!
TG: yeah thats terezi shes chill
GT: My unpleasantly damp state would beg to differ had it a mouth!
GC: YOUR W4T3RM3LONY FR13ND 1S FR3SH! ALMOST... TR41TOROUSLY FR3SH >:]
GT: I am hardly the one being fresh in this situation!
CG: OKAY, SOLLUX SAID HE'D NEVER HEARD OF HER, BUT THERE ARE AN ENTIRE PLANET'S WORTH OF TROLLS OUT THERE. IT COULD JUST BE SHEER COINCIDENCE THAT WE ALL WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING.
CG: ENGLISH. IS YOUR BLOOD THE SAME COLOR AS YOUR TEXT?
GT: Erm well id assume so? That is a thing trolls do isnt it.
GC: OH, C4LM YOUR RUMBL3SPH3R3S
GC: 1 S4ID 4LMOST! H3 WONT B3 G3TT1NG CULL3D FOR 1T UNL3SS H3 3NDS UP ON TH3 WRONG SID3 OF SOM3BODY 1MPORT4NT
TT: I doubt that Jake is who we need to be concerned about. Assuming Jade is in similar circumstances, that would place her as a limeblood, would it not?
CG: THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. LIMEBLOODS WERE DRIVEN TO EXTINCTION BEFORE ANY OF US WERE BORN.
TT: Driven to extinction? They're still trolls. That isn't how genetics work.
-- golgothasTerror [GT] left the memo! --
TT: You've got to be kidding me.
GC: H3H3H3H3! TH4T'S 3V3N B3TT3R 1N P3RSON!
TT: In person. Right.
GC: OH, M1ST3R P3RS1MMON PR1V4CYV1OL4T1ON W4NTS TO KNOW WHY MY F3LLOW P1R4T3 1S 4VO1D1NG H1M?
GC: OR SHOULD 1 S4Y
GC: MY SH1PM4T3?
TT: What the fuck are you even talking about.
GC: 1'LL G1V3 YOU 4 H1NT! 1T H4S 4 P, 4ND 4N 1, 4ND 4 T, C, H...
GC: 111TTT'S...
GC: P4TH3T1C! L1K3 YOU >>:]
TG: damn rezi youre really on the warpath today
TG: or wait is this troll flirting
TG: nvm im not getting involved with your hatecrush on my bro
GC: PL34S3! YOU TH1NK 1'M J34LOUS?
TT: It literally couldn't be any more obvious.
GC: 1 M34NT OF YOU!
TT: As fascinating as this all is, can we focus on the either imminent or long-ago death of one of our friends?

GG: i'll get to you guys eventually!
GG: i'll keep saying it, even though i know you can't hear me
GG: i hope 'eventually' is soon, though
GG: i've never been on a submarine before, but i'm pretty sure they aren't supposed to have this many dead bodies :(

Chapter Text

You’ve been awake for about six hours, by your estimate, although it’s much harder to tell without the stars to guide you. Luckily, you have plenty of rations, a water filtration system, and a garden full of plants you’ve never seen before, so you’ll be able to survive down here. Unluckily, you’re a troll. 

Well! That’s not so much a matter of luck, is it! Neither is the fact that you’re miles underwater, cut off from your friends completely, and have no idea where you are. That’s not luck. That’s the game.

That, and the bodies.

There are four of them: a yellow one with dyed hair, a teal one with giant horns, an orange one wearing an incredibly complicated outfit, and a red one, the frailest troll you’ve ever seen, not that you’ve seen many.

Whenever you walk near them, something under your skin starts tingling, like it’s activating a second nervous system. It might actually BE a second nervous system. Bluh. It was hard enough adjusting to being part-dog, but now you’re a whole different species! You even have a different name, according to the plaque installed above the door to what you assume is your bedroom. Nefrit Lakeke, which you have no idea how to pronounce. Double bluh.

But pronunciation is the least of your issues. You’ve spent six hours trying to get this submarine to work, and you don’t even know what it’s supposed to run on! The power core looks to be missing, just a loose tangle of sharp wires in its place. Without it, you can’t even get the navigation running- not that it would help if you could. You can’t exactly swim across an entire ocean.

Your internal monologue is interrupted by something slamming into the side of your ship, sending you flying into the orange troll. Oh, gross! You look out the ship’s viewport to see… A shark? Sharks wouldn’t attack something this big. So why… Oh.

Sitting on top of the shark, insufferably smug, is a purple troll in a ridiculously gaudy outfit. She points at the hatch of your submarine, and the shark starts swimming towards it. Well, crap.

You look around your submarine for something to help- what kind of ship doesn’t have any harpoons?- and the buzzing grows stronger. Suddenly, you’re aware of a presence in the back of your mind, something simple and strange.

get big seal yes good sharkmom feed grub yes good

Wait a minute. Sharkmom? You have a hunch, but there’s no time for deliberation!

Get out of here and leave me alone!!! You think, as loudly as you can. The shark darts away, its charge clinging to it frantically. This is so cool! You’re like Doctor Dolittle!

You finally extract yourself from the corpse- sorry, corpse number three!- and the buzzing dies down immediately. Oh. Your telepathic abilities are powered by corpses. Less cool. Wait, powered?

You look at the other bodies with a new curiosity.

-

After a bit of trial and error (and GHOSTS!), you find out that the yellow troll gives you telekinesis. You also realize that it’s placed right next to the empty power station. :/

Well, plugging a few wires into your body while remaining in constant contact with a corpse isn’t the worst thing you’ve been through! Not even close, which would be really depressing if you thought about it, so you aren’t going to.

You plug in the final wire, and the whole ship lights up like a kringlefuck tree. Alternia, here you come.

Chapter Text

TT: Well, the sun is yet beginning to rise. I suppose that it’s time for all of you to retire to your recuperacoons.
TG: hell ya i didnt get krilled by a fish princess like a fd up disney movie lol
TG: *killed ugh
TG: wait r u not going 2 sleep? rosey u need ur beauty rest
TT: Not quite yet. I’d like to reunite with Kanaya first.
TG: ew dont tell us about that shit
TT: I was merely going to explain our current situation to her, but it’s interesting to know that that’s the first thing that comes to mind for you.
TG: okay *goodbye* leaving now
TG: gn!
CG: WAIT. BEFORE YOU GRANT US ALL A BRIEF RELIEF FROM YOUR PRESENCE, WHAT’S YOUR NAME?
TG: seriously dude
CG: YOUR TROLL NAME! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT!
TG: yeah lemme check
TG: huh
TG: says right here my name is hellah sweeyt
TG: all the extra silent letters are how you know its a troll name
CG: NO THE FUCK IT ISN’T! THIS IS SERIOUS, JACKASS.
TG: alright you got me
TG: its the trolliest name of all
TG: globes sucker
CG: THAT’S OBSCENE AND PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE, BOTH OF WHICH *YOU DAMN WELL KNOW*!
TG: man really saying that on the public memo karkles have you no shame
CG: THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU
CG: UGH.
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? MEMO OVER. IF YOU WANT TO SAY ALL YOUR SICKENINGLY SWEET LITTLE GOOD DAYS, DO IT IN DMS!
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] closed memo on board Fruitier Rumpussier Troll Factory! --

-- turntechGodhead began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]!--
TG: its armsam btw
TG: armsam ambulo but i think dirk already said that
TG: kinda funny how we both have the same last name even though thats not a thing that trolls do
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is an idle chum! --
TG: damn idle already
TG: either youre taking a rage nap or you broke your computer again
TG: my bets on the computer
TG: thats not really fair though you already know the answer
TG: damn karkat rigging the bets
TG: i need to win back the money i lost gambling to feed my family
TG: and youre over here breaking my champion stallions legs
TG: hey speaking of champion stallions about the thing earlier with the whole implying
TG: things
TG: about us and what we may or may not be doing
TG: fuck that was a terrible transition let me start over
TG: hey karkat youre the best trollquadrantfriend ever and all but ive still got my head up my ass about this stuff a little and dont want to tell everyone were dating
TG: just a little head up my ass a tiny bit of parietal lobe
TG: but yeah
TG: you know what forget it
-- turntechGodhead deleted 15 messages! --
-- turntechGodhead ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]! --
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is no longer idle! --
CG: APPARENTLY IT'S A BIT LATE FOR THAT.

Chapter Text

You sigh and get get out of your deskplank. Well, it's night one of human dating outside of the game, and you fucked it up already. Surprise, surprise. Game-Construct-Past-Three-Years you is a sack of hoofbeast excrement who makes fucking stupid decisions like "telling your friends about your love life" and "moving in with a psycho clown".

Oh, had you not mentioned that?

You're in his ridiculous barely-stable hive, dreading the moment he wakes up from his sopor-induced slumber. At least he's back on it.

(Part of you feels bad about that, even though when he isn't on it he fucking murders people).

At least crabdad is back. He'd been confused enough to snap his claws at you when you'd tried to hug him, so he's the same as ever. You toss him some roe. He deserves to be spoiled.

You've gotten a few answers, but there are still questions that have to be answered. Not that you WANT them to be; you'd like to stew in your ignorance, but the world doesn't work that way, so quit being a wiggler and try to figure out the Gamzee thing.

Or, more accurately, the Gamzee things, plural. You need to find out if he remembers the game, if he's planning on going on another killing spree, and what sham of a quadrant you need to pretend to be in, because even if it weren't for the game, you couldn't get your stupid bloodpusher to settle on just one if your life depended on it.

Which it probably does. Most wouldn't dare to go after a highblood's quadrantmate, and you're under no illusions as to why your alternate self decided to shack up with him. Sure, you thought he was pitiable before the game. Everyone did. A little too pitiable to hold up a quadrant, but still. What could have changed in that sweep and a half?

...That sweep and a half. You're almost eight now. You have a little over a sweep until- you thought you'd escaped this. You thought you were safe, or as safe as someone could be in the middle of a death game. You have less than two measly sweeps to teach these humans how to be real trolls, and then you're all going to fucking die if you can't get them through off-planet training!

Well. You're going to die anyway. And Sollux is going to be turned into a battery, and Feferi is definitely going to die because holy shit, all of you combined barely managed to defeat the Condesce, there's no way she could do it alone.

Your pan-flipping freakout is interrupted by a series of dings from your husktop.

-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]! --
AC: B33 < hey karkitty mew remempurr the game right?
AC: B33 < cmon dont leave me hanging
AC: B33 < get it like those stupid hang in there posters?
AC: B33 < dude im fuckin hilarious!
CG: HOLY SHIT. THAT OLIVE PARAGRAPH OF LOADGAPER SPEW ASIDE, DAVEPETA? YOU'RE ALIVE?
AC: B33 < hell yeah i am!
AC: B33 < well sorta
AC: B33 < im in nepetas pawdy
AC: B33 < damn i catually hiss my wings B//
AC: B33 < and my shades
AC: B(( < man i hiss my shades
CG: HOLD ON ONE MOTHERFUCKING SECOND. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE IN NEPETA'S BODY?
AC: B33 < motherfucking huh? damn gamzee must be rubbing off on mew
CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?
AC: B33 < nepeta told me pawbviously!
CG: *WHAT*?
AC: B33 < this mewnyaverses nepeta! shes in here too yknow
CG: WHAT IS "HERE" SUPPOSED TO MEAN? WHATEVER EXCUSE FOR A THINKPAN YOU HAVE?
AC: B33 < pawbviously karkitty
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? I'VE USED MORE QUERY CURVES IN THIS SINGLE CONVERSATION THAN I HAVE IN THE ENTIRE REST OF MY TIME IN THIS UNIVERSE. IT'S EARLY, I'M GOING TO SLEEP, AND I'M GOING TO STOP THINKING ABOUT CATGIRL-CEPTION OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU HAVE GOING ON BEFORE MY THINKPAN EXPLODES, OR MAYBE GROWS ANOTHER KARKAT, SINCE APPARENTLY THAT'S A THING WE'RE DOING NOW.
AC: B33 < wait
CG: GOODBYE!
AC: B33 < oh shit uh
AC: >B33 < *davepeta pounces on karkat to keep him from leaving*
CG: OBVIOUSLY THAT'S NOT GOING TO FUCKING WORK!
AC: B33 < youre still here arent mew?
AC: B33 < listen its about arquius
AC: B33 < i tried talking to equius, but its like he doesnt even know ar is in there!
AC: B33 < and im kind of worried
AC: B(( < that he might not be
CG: LOOK, I'M NOT THE TROLL TO BE TALKING TO ABOUT THIS. IF ANYONE KNOWS HOW TO FIND ARQUIUS, IT'S DIRK.
AC: B// < yeah thats what i thought you would say
CG: I THOUGHT YOU WERE OVER THE WHOLE BRO THING. YOU DON'T SEEM TO MIND THE AR PART OF ARQUIUS.
AC: B|| < fine im going
AC: B|| < its really fuckin weird to have someone half of you barely knows talking to you about your childhood
AC: B|| < nvm
-- arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]! --

Well, that didn't fucking help your panic. More people you need to worry about. You glance at your recuperacoon, but you know you won't be able to sleep. You sigh, and begin to type.

KARKAT VANTAS' GUIDE TO NOT GETTING YOURSELF CULLED (FOR IDIOT HUMANTROLLS)

Chapter Text

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened a memo on board HOW TO NOT GET CULLED SCHOOLFEEDING FOR HUMAN WIGGLERS --
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] invited 10 people to the memo! --
CG: PREPARE YOUR SLIGHTLY-LESS-PUNY-NOW GANDERBULBS FOR THE GREATEST WORK OF ART THEY WILL EVER SEE. MICHEL ANGELO WOULD WEEP AT THE SIGHT OF IT. IT'S A MUSEUM-WORTHY MASTERPIECE. IT'S OH FUCK IT I'M TOO TIRED FOR THIS. JUST READ THE DAMN THING.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] sent file "GUIDETONOTGETTINGCULLED.docx" --
TT: .docx? Did you seriously write the guide that's supposed to save all of our lives in microsoft word?
CG: WHY ARE YOU EVEN AWAKE ENOUGH TO CRITICIZE MY FILE CHOICES? IT'S THE ASSCRACK OF SUNSET.
TT: Why are you so tired? After all, we both got a full night's worth of sleep.
CG: YOU MEAN A FULL DAY'S WORTH.
TT: Hmm. Nope, thought about it, still dumb as fuck.
TT: Speaking of fucking, was the section on troll reproduction really necessary? Species swaps don't exactly put someone in the mood.
TT: Unless you're into that, I guess.
CG: IT WILL BE INCREDIBLY NECESSARY IN LESS THAN A SWEEP FOR SOME OF YOU, AS DETAILED IN THE SECTION ON DRONE SEASON, IN THE "THINGS THAT WILL GET YOU CULLED EVENTUALLY" CHAPTER, HELPFULLY LOCATED BETWEEN "THINGS THAT WILL GET YOU CULLED IMMEDIATELY" AND "THINGS THAT PROBABLY SHOULDN'T GET YOU CULLED, BUT WILL ANYWAY BECAUSE YOU'RE A MORON".
CG: WHICH YOU'D KNOW IF YOU'D ACTUALLY READ THE DAMN THING INSTEAD OF SKIPPING STRAIGHT TO THE SEX SECTION, YOU PERVERT.
TT: Hey, say what you want, but if there's one thing this is good for it's irony. This reads like a grandma who thinks jesus personally strikes down all sinners wrote an unbearably florid, unspeakably explicit sex ed textbook.
CG: HRGH.
EB: karkat, this is really fucked up!
CG: HOLY SHIT, JOHN??
EB: ...hi. did dave not tell you im alright?
CG: HE DID, BUT I ASSUMED THAT WAS CODE FOR "BEING HELD HOSTAGE DUE TO MY OWN IDIOCY" SINCE YOU **WOULDN'T ANSWER ANY OF MY FUCKING MESSAGES**.
EB: hehe, nope! there's nobody even here to hold me hostage other than the creepy horse guy. (no offense dirk.)
CG: EQUIUS? SO YOU'RE IN THE SAME AREA AS US, AT LEAST. HOPEFULLY THAT'S TRUE FOR THE REST OF YOU.
TT: None taken.
GA: I Cannot Speak For The Rest Of The Humans But Rose And I Are On The Same Beach As Gamzee And Therefore In The Area As Well
CG: OH, SHIT.
TT: What's wrong, Karkat? Are you not excited to see a pair of bosom friends?
CG: OKAY, YOU'D BETTER NOT HAVE USED YOUR STUPID TELEPATHY TO FIGURE OUT WHERE I AM.
TT: As a matter of fact, I didn't.
TT: I used my capabilities as a Seer.
CG: BULLSHIT. NONE OF YOU HAVE YOUR POWERS ANYMORE. IF YOU DID, I WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE WRITING ALL THESE STUPID MEMOS.
TT: That's not strictly true. My powers are fully intact; I simply have a limited capacity to access them.
CG: JOKE'S ON YOU. I KNOW YOU WANT ME TO ASK SO YOU CAN BRAG ABOUT WHATEVER STROKE OF GENIUS YOU HAD, BUT I DON'T FUCKING CARE.
GA: She Went Outside During The Daytime And Got Horribly Sunburned
TT: Thank you, darling Kanaya, for sharing that tidbit of personal information. Yes, it appears that we can only use our abilities when directly exposed to our aspects. I've used my brief foray with mine to divine the locations of our compatriots, and they are, as predicted, within the same metropolitan area.
TT: You're forgetting someone. Two someones, actually.
TT: I am not. Jake is at the nearby port, while Jade should be-
CG: WHAT THE **FUCK** WAS THAT???
TT: -Arriving shortly.
GA: Did You Really Use Your Abilities To Know When To Put Dashes In Your Words For The Best Dramatic Timing
TT: Did you expect anything less, dearest? Let's go greet our new visitor.

Chapter Text

-- gardenGnostic joined memo on board Fruitier Rumpussier Troll Factory! --
TG: oh thank fuck youre alive
GT: Jade! You wouldnt believe how glad i am youre alright.
GT: Im jumproping for joy over here!
GG: im fine! i do have a question for the trolls though.
GG: um, the trollier trolls! the ogs :)
TG: nice
GC: W3LL? SP1T 1T OUT
GG: okay, okay! pushy >:(
GG: trolls murder eack other all the time, right?
GC: 1 SUR3 HOP3 SO! 1D B3 OUT OF 4 JOB OTH3RW1S3
GG: but they do still have a legal system... do they do trials for every murder, or do they just let some of them slide?
GC: D3P3NDS ON YOUR C4ST3 VS TH3 C4ST3 OF TH3 P3RSON YOU K1LL3D
GG: woah! i didnt kill anyone!
GG: i just happen to be near several suspicious-looking dead bodies.
GC: WH4T K1ND OF D34D BOD13S?
GG: let me check...
GG: red, orange, yellow, and a greenie-blue one like you!
GG: and my blood is the same as my text color.
GG: as it was, anyway
GC: H4! M4YB3 YOU 4ND K4RK4T C4N ST4RT 4 CLUB
TG: cmon rezi i get youre mad about jake stealing your girl but thats going a bit far
CG: A BIT TOO FAR FOR WHO? I'M COMPLETELY FINE. BASK IN MY RAGE GLAND'S LACK OF SECRETIONS, TEREZI. BASK.
GT: I what? Sorry?
TG: oh right you left before that
TG: dirk i can see your typing notification come on man work with me here
TG: i gotta explain this to jake before you send a message and scare him off again
GT: Why would dirk sending a message scare me off? Im perfectly fine with him. No qualms here!
TT: Oh, really?
TG: ...
TG: okay not really sure what that means but its better than leaving the memo
TG: how did he even get back on here all those times anyway i didnt get a notification
GC: H3 JUST THR3W H1S P4LMHUSK 4CROSS THesdv
GC: I did not! It was a light toss at most!
GC: C4R3FUL WH3R3 YOU PUT THOS3 HANDS WH3N YOU TRY TO PUNCH M3! YOUR L1TTL3 FR13ND M1GHT G3T J34LOUS >:]
GC: I have no idea what youre trying to implytrew
GC: Wh8 are you two fighting over this time?
GC: W8, is this a groupchat? Without me????????
CG: SHIT.
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] added arachnidsGrip [AG] to the memo! --
GT: Hello vriska!

TT: Hey. Nepeta, right?
AC: :33 < thats me! hi dirk!
TT: I don't know what you mean.
AC: :33 < dont be silly! davepawta told me all about what catpened
TT: So that's where the sprites went. Well, mystery solved. One hell of an anticlimax.
AC: :33 < tell mew what... ill scratch purr back if mew scratch mine!
TT: I haven't asked you for anything.
AC: :33 < but mew purr ameowt to!
TT: Do you seriously take the time to do this in every single conversation? That was barely legible.
AC: >:// < i do! and its pawsitively adorable.
AC: >:// < and no deflecting! mew purr going to ask me ameowt purr trollsonas love life!
TT: Trollsona?
TT: Anyway, I wasn't.
AC: :00 < oh? then mewse?
AC: :33 < wait, don't tell me! is ittt.... hakopa?
AC: :33 < (mew don't have to answer, i know it is!)
AC: :// < maybe mew should talk to karkitty first, though! im not as good at expawlaining the pawdrants.
TT: Isn't flushed essentially the same as human romance?
AC: :00 < no!!! its totally difurrent!
AC: :33 < wait, mew think he's flushed for mew?
TT: Obviously. Jake barely understood human romance, he's not going to pick up three new kinds overnight.
AC: >:33 < mew got it! just go and talk to him, you'll work it out!
TT: That emoticon makes me think otherwise.
TT: But fine. You're clearly not going to be of any use, so I might as well go talk to him directly.
-- timaeusTestified ceased pestering arsenicCatnip [AC]! --

Chapter Text

-- timaeusTestified began pestering golgothasTerror [GT]! --
TT: Jake.
GT: Mr strider.
TT: You actually answered. I'm impressed.
GT: I might answer you more often if you werent so hostile right off the bat!
TT: Hmm.
GT: Dont you dare 'hmm' me you
GT: You
GT: Sorry, not sure what happened there. My mouth ran off without me.
TT: You and Jane both. I guess that "highblood rages" extend a little further down the hemospectrum than we'd thought.
GT: Is that what this is? Id just assumed it was that time of the pair of geese or whatever its called.
GT: No offense to our lady friends. Er, formerly human lady friends.
TT: Jake, what the fuck are you talking about?
GT: Well i should think you would know! With all your blabber about being a real man you would think youd be the first to notice.
TT: Are you talking about the nook situation?
GT: The what now?
TT: What's in your pants.
GT: Well i havent exactly checked that! Im not going to go around sticking my mitts down my trousers when i have company!
GT: I have a sense of shame unlike SOME people.
TT: You really are pissed. Looks like someone's pacification has had the opposite effect.
GT: Don't you criticize my moyrail!
GT: My moral?
GT: My main squeeze!
GT: Yeah, assh8le, don't go after your kismesis' other quadrants! It's 8asic decency.
GT: Vriska! Why is everyone on this boat so grabby with my blower?
GT: Your wh8????????
GT: Hold on.
AG: Your wh8????????
TT: What the fuck is happening?
GT: My telephone!
AG: You have like eight others, you'll 8e fine.
AG: And wh8's happening is that I'm NOT auspiticizing this mess, so you two need to work this out pronto!
GT: But i thought that helping pitch couples work out their relationships was what an auspittice did?
AG: Quadrants are 8ullshit anyway.
TT: Pitch couples.
AG: 8h, sorry. Do you prefer h8friends who can't get their heads out of their asses? 8ecause th8's wh8 you are!
AG: Emphasis on YOU. You're doing gr8, Hakopa.
TT: So, you're saying that Jake is interested in me in the pitch quadrant. The quadrant dependent on hate.
GT: Oh dont start with this baloney!
TT: What baloney?
GT: Youre going to do the thing where i get mad at you and then you act all mopey and think youre a terrible person!
GT: Which you *are* but not nearly as bad as you think you are!
TT: Alright, fine. I'll go.
AG: H8y! Y8u're doing ex8ctly wh8 she just told you n8t to!
TT: She?
GT: Oh right. Id nearly forgotten about that.
TT: ...You're a jadeblood. One of the two all-female castes. I knew that.
GT: So this hasnt happened to the rest of you? I was wondering why nooned brought it up.
AG: Wh8 hasn't happened to the rest of you? The amnesia?
TT: He's not an amnesiac.
GT: Dirk what are you doing?
TT: What does it look like? I'm giving you a real reason to hate me.
TT: So, Vriska. You're moirails. He should tell you everything, right?
AG: SHE d8es, j8ckass!
TT: Would you be willing to bet on it?
AG: 8ring it on!!!!!!!!
TT: That's what I thought.
-- timaeusTestified ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT]! --
AG: Wh8?
GT: ...I think i get this kissmesis thing now.

Chapter Text

-- turntechGodhead began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC]! --
TG: hey so uh
TG: i wanted to talk to you about something
GC: D4V3! HOW R3FR3SH1NG TO H4V3 SOM3ON3 W4NT TO T4LK TO M3 1NST34D OF US1NG M3 4S 4 M3SS3NG3R C1TYSH1TT3R!
TG: hold on a messenger what now
GC: DON'T T3LL M3 YOU D1DN'T H4V3 TH3 NOBL3 B34ST KNOWN 4S TH3 C1TYSH1TT3R ON "34RTH"
TG: now why did you put that shit in quotation marks
TG: or are they just called quotes
TG: double lines
TG: skid marks
TG: the tire kind not the other kind cmon rezi thats just gross
GC: *SN1FF SN1FF*
TG: man dont tell me youre doing the roleplaying thing too now
GC: 1S TH44444T..... 4VO1D4NC3 1 SM3LL?
TG: what
TG: no
TG: if i didnt want to say this why would i have messaged you
TG: besides youre one to talk
GC: OH, 1S TH4T WH4T W3'R3 DO1NG NOW!
GC: BR1NG1NG UP TH3 TH1NGS P3OPL3 LOST B3C4US3 TH3 G4M3 SCR3W3D TH3M OV3R
TG: nobody but you has brought up jake going all mr steal yo girl
TG: speaking of girls
TG: or not girls
TG: speaking of karkat
GC: 1 W4SN’T
TG: i wanted to get some advice
GC: D1VORC3 H1M
TG: wed have to get married first so no
TG: i would go on some rant about how his best man would apparently be a murderous clown and our flower girl would eat the flowers because obviously wed have red ones and we wouldnt even be able to have the mayor as our ring bearer since hes got some sort of ring related ptsd and the whole thing would be ironically hilarious but karkat would want an actual good wedding with all the sappy shit
TG: actually wait does the mayor still exist
TG: hes gotta right the sprites are still here
GC: BUT?
TG: but what
GC: YOU KNOW WH4T, N3V3RM1ND
GC: H3Y D4V3
GC: D4444V3
TG: yeah
GC: LOOKD4V3
TG: cmon terezi really
TG: first of all karkat is clearly princess di
TG: secondly i got distracted again
TG: no more bullshit rambling im just going to spit it out
TG: actually should that be hoofbeastshit now since im a troll and all
GC: NORM4LLY 1 WOULD L4UGH 4T YOU BL4BB3R1NG 1N C1RCL3S, BUT 1 4CTU4LLY H4V3 TH1NGS TO DO
TG: damn alright
TG: so
TG: the amnesia trolls or alternate dimension trolls or whatever they are all know karkat and i are dating
TG: my friends dont know
TG: the trolls dont know they dont know and i can’t tell them without revealing all this timeline bullshit
TG: you dont see the problem
GC: D4V3! W4S TH4T… 4 BL1ND JOK3? SO RUD3
TG: yeah yeah
TG: any advice
GC: YOU 4LR34DY KNOW WH4T 1’M GO1NG TO S4Y
TG: yeah
TG: i guess i was just hoping you could talk me into actually doing it
GC: D4V3, GO T3LL YOUR H4T3FR13NDS 4BOUT YOUR NUBBY QU4DR4NT OR TH3 J4R F3TUS G3TS 1T!
TG: sir yes sir just leave my fetus alone its the only thing i have left of my father
GC: YOUR BRO M4D3 TH4T TH1NG W1TH H1S GROSS M4MM4L14N R3PRODUCT1V3 SYST3M >:?
TG: what
TG: no
TG: i mean technically
TG: NO he didnt what am i saying
TG: thanks for the talk rezi
GC: NO PROBL3M, COOLK1D
-- turntechGodhead ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC]! --