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2024-11-14
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Attempt the Impossible (preggo edition)

Summary:

On a particularly dull day in the Cloud Recesses, three friends start talking about what would be truly impossible in order to correctly attempt the Yinmeng Jiang motto, "attempt the impossible". If you've read the title, you can see what they decided on, and you can probably guess how it went down.

OR

I am very tired and there needs to be more stupid "Wei Wuxian gets pregnant through the power of He's Too Smart and Stupid at the Same Time" fics so here's this.

Notes:

Hello! First fic in this fandom! So my friend Tanu and I were talking about how Bottom-coded Wei Wuxian is and it got us talking about how he would go about getting pregnant. I said he would figure it out and do it for a Snickers bar. One thing led to another, and minus the Snickers (a true tragedy), this was born.

Full disclosure I did NOT proofread this more than once to check for obviously wrong spelling, so if you see anything, please let me know!

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

It was a serene day in the Cloud Recesses. No shouting, no running, everyone doing as they should. The visiting students were resting after a day of classes, leaving a particular trio bored out of their minds.

“Jiang Cheeeeeeeeng!” Wei Wuxian whines, extending the name until he sees a vein start to pulse in his brother’s forehead. “There’s nothing to do!!! D: “

“I don’t understand how you make that noise with your face.” Nie Huaisang mutters, impressed and disturbed.

“Don’t bother thinking about it. He was dropped as a baby and it broke his voicebox or something.”

“Jiang Cheng!” Wei Wuxian cries, clutching his chest dramatically. “How could you say something like that?! About me! Your beloved brother!”

“Who’s my brother?” Jiang Cheng snaps. “All I see are idiots and cowards surrounding me.

“Jiang CHENG!” Wei Wuxian wails, collapsing against the rock they were all resting on. “How could you?! You shouldn’t say such hurtful things! I am your beloved shixiong! One of the Twin Prides of Yunmeng! One of the prime examples of our motto, ‘Attempt the Impossible’! I will not stand for such slander!”

“Hah,” Jiang Cheng scoffs. “‘Attempt the impossible?’ What have you done that’s actually impossible? You’re talented, but not that special.”

“He’s right if you think about it.” Nie Huaisang chimes in, fanning himself. “If you think about it, everything we do is by our skills or training. I don’t think I’ve actually seen anyone do anything impossible.”

“Of course not, it’s impossible. Honestly, do you even hear yourself sometimes?”

“Wah, Jiang Cheng! So close-minded!” Wei Wuxian pops back up and leans into his brother’s personal space just to see him snarl. “That’s not very Yunmeng Jiang of you at all!”

“If you think you can do something truly impossible, then prove it!” Jiang Cheng’s face is flushed in anger as he shoves the other precariously close to the stone’s edge. “Go do something impossible!”

“But Jiang Cheng,” Wei Wuxian whines, holding onto the other’s collar to ensure their mutual soaking if he goes over the edge and into the water, “won’t you just say I only managed because of my training or my skills? What impossible thing should I do?”

The three young men sit in silence for a few moments, trying to think of something appropriately impossible for someone as talented as Wei Wuxian.

“I mean,” Nie Huaisang begins hesitantly, hiding his face behind his fan, “Wei Wuxian could have a child?”

The other two sit still for a moment before breaking out in laughter.

“Yes!” Wei Wuxian cries. “Yes, I’ll get pregnant! And when I do, Jiang Cheng, you’ll have to take care of me!”

“Oi, that wasn’t the deal!” Jiang Cheng tries to argue. But it’s too late, Wei Wuxian is already on a roll.

“I’ll be pregnant so you’ll have to pamper me and dote on me and buy me all the delicious meats spicy dishes I want! For the baby!”

“Ok ok,” Nie Huaisang says, laughing as he tries to pull Wei Wuxian off of Jiang Cheng before the latter explodes in rage and they all end up soaked. “If you manage to get pregnant, Wei Wuxian, I’ll buy you whatever you want in Caiyi next time we go down.

“Really?!” Wei Wuxian’s eyes sparkle.

“But you can’t take forever,” Jiang Cheng interrupts. “You have to manage it by the next time we see you, or you won’t have managed to do the impossible. Deal?”

“Deal!” Wei Wuxian jumps up and begins Not-Running toward their dormitories. “You’ll see! I’m going to be pregnant by the next time you see me, so you both better have your purses ready!”

The two remaining young men watch as Wei Wuxian darts away before sitting in the chaos lingering in the air for a few moments.

“This is going to end in disaster.” Jiang Cheng sighs, deflating where he sits to look at the clouds in dismay.

“Oh most definitely.” Nie Huaisang replies. He pulls out an unpainted fan and an inkbrush, beginning a sketch of the scenery in front of him. “Do you think he’ll manage it?”

“I don’t know,” Jiang Cheng mutters. “And that’s what scares me.”

 

+-+-+-+-+

“Lan Zhan! I need you to put a baby in me!”

The sound of Lan Wangji’s teacup shattering in his hand fills the suddenly frozen dining hall.

Lan Xichen’s pleasant smile suddenly looks much more pasted on than it did a moment ago. “Ha ha, Wei Wuxian… What?” 

“A baby!” Wei Wuxian rushes over and begins tugging on Lan Wangji’s arm, trying to pull him to his feet and out of the building. “Nie Huaisang and Jiang Cheng bet me a spicy meat dish in Caiyi next time we go off the mountain if I manage to get pregnant and I think I finally figured out the talisman for it! Now I just need a father for my baby and Lan Zhan is the perfect choice!”

Even though the Lan sect has several rules against gossip, talking about others behind their back, and muttering, a low drone of scandalized whispers begins to flood the dining hall.

Lan Xichen takes a moment to really look at Wei Wuxian. He hasn’t seen him all day, and it seems like the other youth used that time to completely lose his mind. His hair is still in a ponytail, in theory. In reality, it looks as if half the hair has escaped its ribbon and has decided gravity is for losers, standing up in every direction. Looking closely, Lan Xichen can see Wei Wuxian’s bangs seem streaked with ink, which makes sense, seeing as his fingers, sleeves, and face are the same. Wei Wuxian’s eyes normally have a gleam of mischief and intelligence behind them, but now his eyes seem to be almost glowing with mad genius. If anyone were to see him in this state, they would be completely justified in assuming Wei Wuxian has gone insane and needs to be restrained for the good of all.

Normally, Lan Wangji would be the first person to step up and try to reinforce order in such a situation. However, it seems that being loudly propositioned in front of his entire clan by his not-secret-at-all crush (it’s very obvious to Lan Xichen, at least) and now being in the process of being dragged away by said crush to act on said proposition has broken something fundamental in Lan Xichen’s brother.

Lan Wangji hasn’t moved a single muscle under his own power since Wei Wuxian came in. Even the china shards cutting into his closed fist don’t seem to register as Wei Wuxian drags him towards the door, still rambling about talisman theory and compatibility and… loquats? It’s all a strange fever dream ramble and seems to have stupified every Lan in proximity, as no one makes a move to stop either man from leaving the hall.

“Just what do you think you’re doing?!” Lan Qiren’s anger finally overcomes his shock at the entire situation just as the two reach the doors. “Just who do you think you are to make such, such VULGAR demands of Lan Wangji?! The Second Jade of the Lan Sect?!”

Wei Wuxian turns around, unholy mania and violent, gleeful pride on his face. “I,” He announces to the hall, “am a Mother. Fucking. Genius. And I’m about to revolutionize everything .”

With that, he dramatically sweeps out of the hall, dragging a still-stunned Lan Wangji behind him. The hall remains frozen for a moment before Lan Qiren’s face moves from “violently purple in rage” to “Genuinely concerning purple we should probably do something about that” moments before he collapses to the ground in a Qi deviation.

“Master Qiren!”

“Uncle!”

As much as Lan Xichen would love to go save his brother from the passions of his crush (it is forbidden to lie in Cloud Recesses, but Lan Xichen is fairly certain that only counts if you say it out loud), there is now a Genuine Medical Emergency going on literally right in front of him. He sends up a short prayer for his little brother before taking charge of the situation and directing the other disciples around him to fetch healers and alert the elders. “ Stay strong, Wangji. Stay strong…”

+-+-+-+-+

“Oh my gods…” Nie Huaisang breathes, helping a suddenly pale Jiang Chang into a chair. The healer attending to Wei Wuxian takes back the talisman showing a positive pregnancy result for a cultivator.

Wei Wuxian looks at the two stunned men with an aura of obvious smugness from his place on the medical cot. He leans back onto Lan Wangji, who seems equally shaken but reflexively wraps his arms around the other man.

“I told you, didn’t I?” Wei Wuxian crows, “I can do anything. Attempting the impossible is the only way to make progress!”

“I don’t,” Jiang Cheng sputters, “How? Just, how???” We didn’t see you for one day! One, single day! And you got pregnant?!?!?”

“Well, dear Jiang Cheng,” Wei Wuxian smirks, “I just so happen to be really good at talismans and had a very enthusiastic test partner.” Wei Wuxian winks as he says that and Jiang Cheng tries not to gag at the thought of Wei Wuxian doing… anything of that sort, especially with someone as straight-laced and upright as the Second Jade of GusuLan.

“And you created a talisman that lets you get pregnant?” Nie Huaisang was taking the reveal much better than Jiang Cheng, but probably only because he wasn’t having his life flash before his eyes as he imagined what his parents would do when they found out what happened.

“Of course!” Wei Wuxian went back to basking in the glory of breaking the laws of nature and reality. “It took most of the time I was gone. But after I figured it out, all it took was a little help from an outside source and here we are!” One impossible pregnancy!”

“Impossible is right…” Jiang Cheng mutters. “How are we going to explain this? To Mother and Father? To Yanli?”

Wei Wuxian pales as he realizes this might not have been the best idea he’s ever had. “Oh yeah, I forgot…”

“You forgot you would have to tell them you were pregnant?!” Jiang Cheng shrieks.

Lan Wangji pulls Wei Wuxian closer to his chest and glares at the other over Wei Wuxian’s head. “No shouting in Cloud Recesses.” He recites. “No worrying those with child. No causing disturbances in the medical hall.”

“Well what about ‘no impregnating someone outside of wedlock?!’” Jiang Cheng fires back. “Isn’t that a rule too?!”

“Mn”. Lan Wangji nods, hugging Wei Wuxian and placing a hesitant hand on the other’s stomach. “Will take responsibility. Will marry Wei Ying.”

“WHAT?!”

“Oh, Lan Zhan!”

“I just don’t know how this happened, I really don’t know…”

Outside the bubble of chaos surrounding Wei Wuxian’s bed, Lan Qiren falls into another Qi deviation. Lan Xichen and Jiang Yanli smile daggers at each other just inside the doors and begin kindly threatening each other as they plan out how to correctly rush a wedding and who will be marrying into which family. All in all, no one expected anything like this to ever happen, but they all can’t say they’re surprised that if anyone could do it, it would be Wei Wuxian. Attempt the impossible indeed.

Notes:

Thank you for reading! This is such a stupid idea and I'm so happy I got to share it with you! Constructive criticism is always welcome, and so are kudos and comments!
Have a good day/night and remember, Attempt the Impossible! ;p