Chapter Text
Gathered in front of Anri, on a bright Saturday morning, was her favorite group of emotionally stunted disasters, all of them sat there like overgrown toddlers forced to wake up for preschool, blinking blearily at her with the collective energy of men who had just been served divorce papers.
They were so cute. The best, even. With Reo apologising to her the day before these lessons couldn’t be going better.
“How are you all today,” She smiled, crossing her legs and clasping her hands. “Good I hope?”
Her response was absolute silence.
“Is that a yes I’m hearing?” She tried again, eyes flickering over each of them.
Once again, silence. She frowned, tilting her head.
That wasn’t unusual when it came to Kaiser, but even Bachira was quiet today. Reo was visibly the same but his leg was bouncing up and down, Chigiri looked like he wanted to walk into traffic—which, actually, was pretty normal, now that she thinks about it—and Isagi—sweet, reasonable Isagi—was staring at the floor in something like terror.
She placed down her clipboard, raising an eyebrow. “Did all of you wake up on the wrong side of bed?”
Silence.
Bachira snorted.
Immediately, Reo kicked him.
Anri’s eyes narrowed.
“Alright,” she said, her voice hard but firm. “What happened?”
Five pairs of eyes avoided her gaze.
Her fingers tapped against the clipboard. “I will find out.”
Even more silence before finally, Bachira slowly raised his head to look at her. “Anri–chan.” He said slowly, twisting his fingers in his lap.
“...yes?”
“Have you ever drank tea?” Bachira asked solemnly, standing up, striding to the window and clasping his hands behind his back as he gazed out at the bright blue sky.
He might’ve looked mysterious—wise, even—if the back of his shirt hadn’t ridden up to reveal a cartoonish doodle of a face with sparkles around it and the words Ego's Favorite Boy scrawled underneath in glitter pen
“Is that my face ?” Isagi squinted, and—huh, it really did look like Isagi. “Why did you draw that??”
Bachira pointedly did not respond, humming cryptically beneath his breath.
Anri exhaled through her nose. “Yes. I have drunk tea before.”
Bachira slowly turned around, his heavy gaze settling on her. “No but have you experienced tea?”
“And what would that entail?”
“Communal hallucination.”
“...”
Anri waited all of five seconds before realising there was no punch line and Bachira’s sweet yellow eyes held nothing but honesty in them. “Okay then,” She said, smiling weakly, “Why don’t you all start from the beginning.”
“It was Reo’s idea.” Chigiri said, pointing a lazy finger in Reo’s spot beside him. “He said you told him that we should try bonding outside of these lessons.”
That was, frankly, correct. She had offhandedly mentioned it to the boy when he’d appolgized, head bowed down and everything much to her chagrin, and he didn’t seem to mind the idea. She didn't expect he’d follow it right away. Hell she wasn’t even sure if that was a good idea; did it change anything? Would they be willing to talk more freely if they knew each other better?
“I thought we could brew tea and talk. And it was good tea. I had my butler, Ba-ya, send it over that evening. It was supposed to help us relax.”
Anri didn’t like the sound of supposed to. “...did it?” She asked cautiously.
“We wouldn’t know,” Chigiri muttered, eye twitching as he glared at Bachira. “Because someone decided to switch it out for a tea they bought on Etsy.”
“It had good reviews!” Bachira exclaimed cherrily, in a voice that suggested it most definitely did not.
“What part of ‘I saw my ancestors after drinking it’ sounded like good reviews?!” Isagi snapped incredulously.
Bachira opened his mouth.
“Don’t answer that.”
He closed his mouth.
Anri cleared her throat, drawing attention back to herself. “And how did that escalate exactly?”
[FLASHBACK, 2:03 A.M., BASTARD MUNCHINE KITCHEN]
“I just think,” Bachira said, standing on the counter for no apparent reason, “that we, as a British society, do not appreciate the healing power of midnight tea.”
“You’re not from England,” Chigiri muttered, head resting on the kitchen table. “Matter of fact, you’re not even in the Manshine team.”
Reo, pouring himself a second cup of tea already, shrugged. “Tea is classy. It calms you. He’s not wrong.”
“I think it’s a great tradition,” Isagi said carefully—ignoring Kaiser’s pointed ‘doubt you’ll ever get to see great things in your life Yoichi’—pouring honey into a mug while trying not to knock over the pile of mismatched cups. “Very warm. Very civilized. Very—Bachira, get down.”
Bachira pouted, lowering his arm from where he seemed to have been reaching for the spinning fan, like an idiot, as he threw his legs over the counter and hopped down. “You’re no fun.”
“You were high on cocaine a day ago; your definition of fun is way too careless,” Isagi sighed, but his lips pulled into a small smile when Bachira slung a hand over his shoulder, rambling off into his ear about one thing or the other.
Not that Kaiser was staring at Isagi, or anything. He just happened to be in the general vicinity of Kaiser’s eyes. Consistently. Like some kind of parasitic visual hazard.
“Thank goodness Anri didn’t hear about that one,” Chigiri sighed. “It was all Bachira anyway.”
“That wasn’t my fault!” Bachira gasped. “It was you! You I say! There’s proof, you even– why are you laughing! It's true!”
Isagi tilted his head back, laughter spilling from his lips like flowers from a bouquet. Careless and loud and unfiltered—Bachira’s own obnoxious giggles echoing right beside him.
Kaiser scowled. There was something infuriating about the way Isagi laughed. Shoulders shaking as his lips split into something big and genuine . Like he hadn’t spent the last week getting completely outplayed. Like he wasn’t Kaiser’s permanent second-place problem.
The sound dug into Kaiser’s skull like static. Made his jaw tighten. Made his fingers itch. Made something low and ugly twist in his gut, like fury, or hunger, or both.
God, he hated him.
“Uh, okay dude,” Chigiri sideyed him, sipping his tea. “No need to tell me that.”
Oh. He’d said that aloud, hadn’t he?
“I didn’t say anything,” Kaiser drawled, leaning against the counter. “Is your pretty head hearing things? Imagining that I’d ever bother talking casually to–”
“No I definitely heard you confess some weird fetish shit to me,” Chigiri deadpanned, idly swirling the contents of his mug, voice heavy with distaste.
Kaiser paused, blinking once. “...What?”
Chigiri angled his head, pushing a strand of cherry red hair behind his ear as he narrowed his eyes. “Don’t play sly with me, I heard you. You’re standing right next to me.”
“You think I said what ?” Kaiser pushed himself off the wall he’d been leaning on, stepping closer to Chigiri, eyes flickering over his face, “The fuck’s wrong with your ears?”
“What’s wrong with your fetishes?” Chigiri snapped back, “And don’t stand so close.”
Kaiser ignored him. “I said ‘I hate him’. In what world does that sound anything like weird fetish’?”
Chigiri shrugged, “You tell me.”
Kaiser, however, wasn’t given a chance to argue back when the sound of a crash, followed by an odd shrieking sound erupted from behind him, deeper in the kitchen.
Startled, and pissed, Kaiser turned his head and found Isagi bawling his eyes out like a baby on the ground, sucking at his fingers, all of them slick and dripping with spit, and cosplaying in a maid outfit, big blue eyes sparkling with need and something more primal.
“K-Kaiser-senpai, will you—”
“That is not what happened!” Isagi shrieked, standing up and pointing a finger at Kaiser, glaring harshly. “Bachira dropped the kettle! And I was yelling at him! Where did you even get that from?!”
Kaiser smiled sweetly, “What, does Yoichi get prissy when I embellish my words a little?”
“A little?!”
Anri cleared her throat loudly before the two could jump at each other's throats, “Enough. Kaiser, please don’t blatantly lie. And Isagi, calm down will you?”
Isagi huffed in Kaiser’s direction as he plopped back down, but his face split into an easy smile when he apologised to Anri.
“Okay then,” Anri sighed, “Can someone else finish the story? Without any… embellishments .”
[FLASHBACK, 2:12 A.M., BASTARD MUNCHINE KITCHEN]
“Well now what,” Bachira said, breaking the silence, eyes flickering away from the huge splatter of tea and shattered mugs.
“Don’t say that like this isn’t entirely your fault,” Isagi mutters bitterly.
There’s a beat. A long, slow, painful beat as the five boys stare at the floor where the tea had met its tragic, untimely death.
“Is it me or does the tea smell really weird,” Chigiri says slowly, nose wrinkling in distaste, and before anyone gets a chance to refute that, Bachira lets out a snort. Which is Bachira for ‘I did whatever it is you guys are worried about. “Bachira tell me you did not switch the tea.”
“I did not switch the tea,” Bachira repeats solemnly, with a bright smile that says ‘I definitely switched the tea ’.
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“What did you switch it with?” Isagi asks slowly, taking Bachira by the shoulders.
Bachira smiles, “You know, the thing.”
“What thing?”
“The etsy thing I bought in the back of the kitchen cupboard with the big skull on it.”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“What?”
“Oh my god.” Chigiri suddenly paled, his eyes wide as saucers. “...Isagi,” he whispered, voice tight.
“What?” Isagi groaned from between his fingers.
“Why are there spiders crawling out of your ears?”
A tense beat.
Kaiser sipped his tea coolly. “That’s actually kind of fitting.”
“There are what? ” Isagi yelped, scrambling upright, hands flying to his head, swatting wildly—except there was nothing there but air. His nails the grazed the skin of his ears, eyes manic. “Get them off, get them off!”
Bachira hummed thoughtfully, tilting his head. “Okay, yeah, I’m seeing them now. They’re… tap dancing?”
“What? They’re what ?!” Isagi wailed.
“It’s fine,” Bachira grinned, practically vibrating with glee. “They’re talented little guys.”
“Are you guys seriously tripping right now?” Reo snapped, though his hand twitched slightly—like he was brushing something invisible off his shoulder. His gaze darted toward the corner of the room, expression shifting to horror. “Why is Ego standing over there staring at us?”
They all whipped around.
There was, indeed, Ego—looming, arms crossed, stern glasses glinting beneath the dim kitchen lights.
Except Ego’s form flickered like static. His head floated slightly to the left of his body. And his eyes? Fully rotating like slot machines.
“Welp,” Bachira clapped his hands, grinning ear to ear, “We’re hallucinating.”
“Lock off,” The hallucination said, “Lock off.”
Kaiser leaned casually against the fridge, unaffected. “Speak for yourselves. I hallucinate Yoichi being competent every day.”
“ Shut up! ” Isagi shrieked, still swatting at his ears.
Reo, meanwhile, was having his own crisis. His pupils dilated as he pointed toward the cabinets, voice cracking. “Why is Ba-ya riding a giant koi fish across the counter?”
A heavy pause.
Everyone turned to look.
Sure enough, the elderly butler was surfing majestically on a koi fish made of glittering yen coins, waving solemnly as he passed.
“Oh, sick,” Bachira whispered, eyes sparkling. “Ten outta ten hallucinations.”
[BACK TO PRESENT DAY, THERAPY OFFICE]
Anri pinched the bridge of her nose, eyes closed like she was begging some higher power for strength.
“So,” she exhaled slowly, “You’re all telling me, because of mystery Etsy skull tea, you—hallucinated spiders, Ego’s dismembered head, your butler surfing on currency, and…?”
Kaiser smirked, fingers laced behind his head. “Yoichi in a maid outfit crying for me.”
“ That did not happen! ” Isagi snapped, voice practically combusting as he turned red enough to match Chigiri’s hair. “He made that up! ”
Reo coughed discreetly into his fist. “Uh. Technically, I did see that part. But I think I saw him riding a goat too, so, like, who’s to say what’s real?”
Anri's eye twitched. “You’re all banned from tea. Forever.”
Bachira gasped, hand flying to his chest, devastated. “Anri-chan… but… my Etsy order history…”
Chigiri groaned, flopping dramatically against the couch. “Good. Maybe now we’ll survive the week.”
“I’m more worried about the goat,” Reo added seriously, stroking his chin. “It looked really judgemental.”
Kaiser leaned forward, eyes sharp with teasing malice. “You sure that wasn’t just your reflection in the window, Reo?”
“Oh ha ha,” Reo deadpanned.
“There goes Kaiser at it again,” Bachira grins, patting Reo’s back happily, “He just called you the goat!”
“What.”
Bachira smiles much too brightly at someone like Kaiser, sending him two thumbs up, “You’re doing great!”
“...Thanks.”
“ ANYWAY, ” Anri clapped her hands sharply, cutting through the chaos, “Group rule: No mystery tea, no Etsy poison, and no hallucinating your butler surfing through your childhood trauma. Understood?”
“Understood,” they chorused weakly, though Bachira visibly crossed his fingers behind his back.
Anri sighed again, long-suffering.
It was going to be a long Saturday.