Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The first day of middle school — it was difficult not to stand out, having a bandage covering nearly half of his face. It wasn’t a surprise to have many curious eyes glance at him, Florian was used to it after all since he was a little kid in the orphanage. 

He takes the opportunity to introduce himself as they gather around, asking questions on what happened — Florian Brand, the sole survivor of the fire that took his family. It was a good story, and he tells it as if it were the plot of a movie. 

Surely they’d like him if he showed how brave he was, right? Though some regarded him with pity, most of them were in awe. His tale of his survival seemed to earn him a certain level of respect among his peers… or at least that’s what he likes to think.

He served as a role model for other children back in the orphanage so it wasn’t a shock when he found himself falling into the same role in class: the friend everyone could rely on. Getting along with others had never been a problem for him, being constantly surrounded by people at a young age has given him enough of an experience. 

So when he notices one of his classmates staying in the corner away from the others, he makes it a decision to go approach him.

“Woah! Is that a puppet?”

A boy with brunette hair looked up from his desk startled, hands scrambling to cover the object in his grasp as he gripped it closer to himself. It was a poor attempt to do so, since it was obviously a puppet from the glimpse that Florian saw of it. “N-no, it’s nothing,” he mumbled, hoping the other boy would leave him alone.

“I wanna see! Pleeeease can I?”

His gaze met with Florian’s, who looked back at him with an expectant eye. After moments of silent contemplation, he wordlessly revealed the small puppet, making it move with his hand. Its little wooden arm stretched out and waved at the other boy.

“So cool!” Florian’s face lit up in amazement. “Where did you get that?”

“I made it…”

“You made this? That’s so awesome! You’re so talented!”

The brunette blushed from the enthusiastic response as he averted his gaze away. “...Thanks...” 

“Can you show me again?”

The wooden puppet came to life once more while Florian watched in awe. This time, it does a little dance, its movements having a bit more confidence in them. It bows at the end of its routine and the blonde claps at the performance.

The bell rang which signaled the start of class, so before Florian returned to his seat at the front with the others, he asked for the boy’s name. 

He learns that his name is Matthias.

That was the start of their unlikely friendship.

From then on, Matthias would bring a different puppet every once in a while and show it to Florian, who would eagerly watch them come to life with his skillful movements. They quickly became best friends, becoming much closer to each other over the course of middle school.

Florian would always include him in every school activity — whether Matthias liked it or not. Over time, the brunette came to tolerate it even if he didn’t exactly fit in. There was a clear contrast between the personalities of the two, yet they still maintained to be close friends.

Matthias wasn’t much of a talker, but Florian didn’t mind. In fact, he liked it that way. He didn’t feel like he had to fill up the silence with useless chatter. Although he had other friends in class, he never had long conversations with them. He hated all the smalltalk and gossip that occur daily in school, but he kept up with it anyway just for appearance. 

It was different with Matthias, however. He didn’t feel like he had to pretend with him. Matthias never cared about other people’s business, mostly keeping to himself. Sometimes the two would just spend time reading in advance for their next lesson, or read a book that caught either of the two’s interests. 

It was nice, and Florian can’t help but want to get closer to the other boy. He personally never cared for the other people in their class. Everyone else was just so… overbearing at times. Loud. He’d never say these things to anyone, though. Just smiling and laughing along and being friendly is all he needs to keep everyone having a positive view of him.

But even as the two grew closer to each other, Florian barely knew about Matthias’ home life. Matthias rarely ever spoke about it and he never prodded him about it, allowing the brunette to share bits and pieces whenever he was comfortable and felt like it.

They stayed together even in high school. Like in middle school, Florian was quick to get acquainted with everyone, and he would make Matthias get involved in everything, even when he met new friends.

Their different personalities caused a bit of tension among Florian’s new friend group. Some found Matthias too quiet and shy, while others thought Florian spent too much time with someone who wasn’t very sociable. That didn’t deter Florian from being Matthias’ closest friend, though. No matter how many new people he’d meet, he’d still put Matthias’ needs as his utmost priority, going as far as to drop anything when he needed help.

Florian was fiercely protective of Matthias and would do anything to ensure he’s happy. Whether it was helping him with school work, defending him from anyone who dares to be even slightly rude to him, or lending an ear when he needed someone to vent to, Florian was always there for his best friend.

“Open up! I know you’re in there!”

Florian repeatedly knocked on the door of Matthias’ house. He could clearly tell he was in there, judging by the small sounds he heard scuffling on the other side. The other buy stubbornly remained quiet.

“Come on, open up!” Florian called out again, knocking a bit louder. He wasn’t going to let Matthias shut him out. It took several minutes before he could finally hear something move inside.

“...what...”

“Let’s hang out together!” Florian yelled as he kept on knocking.

“...Why me? Just hang out with your other cooler friends...”

Florian was taken aback by Matthias’ response. Cooler friends? Silly Matthias. If only he knew how much the blonde valued his time more than his other friends. Florian shook his head and leaned against the door.

“Are you jealooous,”

“No!!!”

“You are!” he laughed as he pressed his left ear against the door. “You’re totally jealous!”

He could hear Matthias huffing on the other side, clearly not wanting to admit it.

“You’re my best friend, dummy. Of course I want to hang out with you.”

“...”

“Are you really gonna send me away after I went through the effort of coming over here?”

Florian was met with silence. Finally, he hears a weak voice from the other side of the door. “...Fine.”

He smiled widely as he heard the sound of the door unlocking. Finally, he was going to spend time with Matthias and have some fun! Maybe then he could stop having those silly thoughts. The door creaked open and there stood Matthias, looking more sullen than ever.

“What are we gonna do anyway...”

“Oh uh,” Florian started before realizing he didn’t think this through at all. He only came here just to spend time with the other boy, not really having anything specifically in mind. “I don’t know.”

“...You came here without anything planned?”

The blonde scratched the back of his head as he sheepishly admitted, “Yeah, kinda forgot about that part.” He tried to play it off with a lighthearted laugh.

Matthias closed his eyes and sighed, although it was clear he wasn’t actually annoyed.

“Oh wait, I know! Show me your puppets! I wanna see how you make them.”

The brunette opened his eyes and seemed to think for a moment.

“Your parents wouldn’t mind, right?”

“...No... No they wouldn’t...“

“Then show me!”

Matthias hesitantly invited Florian in and led him to his room, making sure to avoid eye contact as they moved through the house.

His room was quite plain, barely any furniture or decoration, the most interesting thing there being a few shelves that contained his creations. Each one of his puppets were unique and well-crafted, all of them clearly made by the hands of Matthias himself.

“Woahh!” Florian exclaimed as he took a step closer to look at one of them. He reached out his hand to touch it before getting stopped by Matthias.

“I-I’m not done with that yet...”

Florian paused and smiled, putting his hands up as a gesture of surrender. “Alright, I won’t touch anything. Sorry.”

They make their way to a small desk in the room as Matthias takes out the tools he needed to show Florian how he makes his creations. He rolls up his sleeve out of instinct and then —

Oh.

Florian’s eye immediately flickered towards his sleeve, noticing the faint marks that peeked out of his arm. Matthias must have realized, because he quickly rolled his sleeve back down, not daring to look back to see the other’s expression. The blonde doesn’t comment on it, respecting Matthias’ privacy, but he made a mental note of it. He wanted to ask about it, but he didn’t want to make his best friend uncomfortable.

It was only for a brief moment but… those marks looked deliberate. 

His thoughts were interrupted by Matthias who started to explain his process.

He carefully listened, asking questions here and there. The brunette, who was quiet at first, seemed to slowly become more proud of his work as he made one of them move, even giving it a voice.

Florian watched in fascination as Matthias brought the puppet to life. It was like magic, how he made them move even without strings.

When Matthias added a voice to another puppet, Florian couldn’t help but giggle at its high-pitched tone.

Florian would later join in with giving the puppets voices. They made up stupid scenarios, giving each puppet a different voice, until they couldn’t take it anymore as they ended in a giggle fit together.

They laughed so hard they practically fell over on Matthias’ bed. The two of them were breathless and tears were in their eyes from laughter. Florian tried to catch his breath as he smiled at Matthias.

It was moments like this that Florian treasured. Seeing Matthias happy and carefree…

…It was such a beautiful sight.

He wanted to preserve it forever.

He ended up staying very late. Matthias’ parents never seemed to be home anyway.

The sun had long since set, casting the room in shadows. The two boys had lost track of time, too engrossed with their makeshift show.

Florian let out a yawn. “Hey, I should probably get going…”

“Oh,” there was a slight tinge of disappointment in Matthias’ voice. “Sorry to keep you so long.”

“That’s alright, I had a lot of fun! Let’s do this again!” 

Matthias nodded, a small smile forming on his lips. It was clear neither of them wanted to part so soon.

As Florian got ready to leave at the door, he paused and turned to Matthias.

“Hey, Matty,” the blonde started, thinking about his words carefully. He raised a hand to rest on top of the brunette’s shoulder.

“I’m proud of you.”

He smiles, and Matthias looks back at him with an unreadable expression. With that, they wave at each other as Florian finally steps out of the house.

The door shuts, and Florian could hear a faint sound of something slumping against the door. Well, he wasn’t really sure if that was what he heard. His hearing wasn’t the best, after all.

Something… changed.

Florian couldn’t place what it was — for some reason, every time he was with Matthias, he suddenly felt more aware of his actions. They’ve been friends for years, so it shouldn’t have been a problem but… somehow, it was a bit more difficult to maintain eye contact with him. 

Whenever they accidentally brushed their hands together, he feels himself getting more embarrassed than usual. He would find himself stealing glances at Matthias at every given opportunity, noticing the way his hair fell over his forehead, or how his eyes would light up when he was talking about his puppets.

But he didn’t understand why. Why was he suddenly hyper aware of Matthias, his best friend?

Matthias appears to be the same; whenever Florian caught him staring, he’d turn away and hide his face. 

What the hell is happening?

Florian couldn’t ignore the strange tension between them. He tried to act natural, but he couldn’t stop himself from constantly thinking about Matthias. He would remember the sound of the other boy’s laugh, the way he would scrunch his face when he was concentrating. 

It was all so distracting.

He kept looking for chances to be close to Matthias, finding small excuses to touch him or be near him. Seeking Matthias out during lunch or after school… these moments they spent together felt as if they were in their own little bubble, separate from everyone else. He didn’t understand why these little moments seemed so significant to him, but he couldn’t ignore the way his heart would quicken when Matthias was close.

Florian didn’t feel this way towards his other friends so it was a mystery to him.

Well… that wasn’t entirely the truth. 

In the back of his mind, he already had a feeling of what it was.

Usually, Florian liked to walk Matthias to his home but every once in a while he had outings with his friends. He would invite Matthias but he always refused, so the least he could do is walk him to his home.

They bid each other farewell, and as Florian released his arm from the other's, he felt a lingering reluctance. It was odd, as Matthias usually let go immediately. He looked over to see Matthias staring at the spot he just touched. 

Before Matthias could turn away, Florian grips his arm again.

“Wait, Matty,” his hands travel upwards his shirt, clutching it to bring the taller boy to his level. Pausing for a brief moment to look him in the eyes, he gives him a light peck on his check.

“I like you too.”

Matthias eyes widened in shock, “W-what…” he managed to stutter out, mind still trying to process what just happened.

He looked at Florian incredulously, voice cracking slightly as he responded, “You… you do? You really mean that to... to Matthias?”

The blonde smiles widely at his reaction. Then, pulling him closer once again, he kisses him one more time, this time on his lips.

At first, Matthias was too stunned to react. He had never been kissed before, so the feeling was new and overwhelming. Slowly, he began to melt into it, wrapping his arms around the blonde and pulling him closer until they were pressed against each other.

Florian had always been the first to take the step after all — so it was only a matter of time before his feelings burst.

Pulling away, he cups Matthias’ cheek and gazes at his flushed face directly.

“See you again in class tomorrow.”

Matthias could only nod in response.

He stood there, still dazed, even as Florian started to leave. 

“See you…”

The next time they saw each other, Florian made it a habit to hold the other’s hand whenever he could. He didn’t really care if anyone saw them, but Matthias did.

“I don’t want to ruin how your friends see you.”

Florian gives him a reassuring smile. “I don’t really mind.”

He loved holding Matthias’ hand, feeling the warmth and comfort of their entwined fingers. And while he does care about what the other people think, he finds himself caring less about it now that he has Matthias.

“I just… don’t want you to get in trouble because of me.” he muttered reluctantly, looking away.

“Don’t worry,” Florian chuckled, his eye twinkling. “What do they know? Besides, where's the adventure in keeping things a secret?” He gently squeezed his hand, not wanting to let go.

Still, Florian wanted to make Matthias uncomfortable, so he’d only be affectionate when he knew no one could see them. He would hold his hand under desks, play with his long hair, or pull him into secluded corners just to steal a kiss or two.

High school was a breeze most of the time, now that the two were more closer than ever.

That was until Matthias didn’t come to class one day. He didn’t respond to any of Florian’s texts either, and on the next day he was absent again. Worried, Florian went to visit his home after class, but there seemed to be no one home. He tried to push down his anxiety, but the thought of Matthias being unwell or hurt kept gnawing at the back of his mind.

On the third day, Matthias came to school with a medical eyepatch.

“Matty, what happened?” Florian immediately came to his side and asked, voice filled with concern.

Matthias seemed to be startled slightly but relaxed after seeing it was Florian. “I… had an accident… I’m fine now though,” he tried to reassure him.

Florian was not convinced by his words. “An accident…?” The eyepatch covering his eye was a clear indication that it was not just a minor accident. His own eye narrowed as he scrutinized Matthias with a critical look. The other boy looked tired and weary, like he hadn’t slept well in days. There was a sense of strain in his voice as he spoke as if he was struggling to hide something.

“Yeah… I didn’t mean to worry you, I’m sorry,” In an attempt to console Florian, he places his hand on top of his.

“Matty, please… is everything really okay? You can always tell me anything, you know that?”

When FLorian asked him to be honest, Matthias hesitated for a moment. But the look on the blonde’s face told him that he would not let this go.

“Everything’s fine.” Matthias mumbled, but even he didn’t sound like he believed the words himself. Florian tried to search for an answer on the other boy’s face but he knew that was as far as he could get.

“I’m going to believe you for now,” he says, clutching Matthias’ hand tightly, “but when you’re ready, tell me everything alright?”

He wasn’t sure if his words were having any effect, and he didn’t want to push him further. It was a delicate balance he had to maintain.

“I will,” Matthias spoke, his voice barely audible above the bustle of the hallway. Florian still hasn’t let go of his hand, making sure he wouldn’t pull away, and he hoped it somehow comforted and grounded him.

“Look at us,” Florian said, a wry smile on his lips, “Now we match. It’s… something, right?” he winced at himself, realizing it might not be the most comforting thing to say.

Matthias cracked a slight smile. “I guess we do.” his shoulders slumped, feeling a bit more relaxed. He returned the grip Florian’s hand had on him.

Although many days have passed since then, Florian still had no clue what exactly happened that warranted Matthias to wear a medical eyepatch. He wanted to know so badly . After all, they were partners, so he should know… right? Yet… every time he brought it up, Matthias would change the subject, so he gave up on trying to know, deciding to just let him know that he was always there if he needed someone to listen to.

It’s like Matthias was holding something back, keeping him at arm’s length. 

No matter how much Florian asked, Matthias would remain tight-lipped. He tried to hide his growing concern, to respect Matthias decision to keep things to himself… but admittedly, it was difficult for him to not feel left out.

“We’re gonna get through this year,” Florian tells him one time. “And then we’re going to graduate, and we’d go to college together.”

The idea of graduation and college seemed to bring the smallest sense of comfort to Matthias. They had only a few more months left of high school, and once that was over, they would move onto the next chapter of their lives.

“Yeah…” he responds weakly, “We’ll get through this year… together.” For a moment, he seemed to relax, the thought of their shared future making him momentarily forget his worries.

“That’s why we have to do our best, even if we stumble a few times, as long as we’re continuing forward that’s all that matters!” the blonde exclaims, trying his best to hype his partner up. “Can you promise me that?”

Florian didn’t know if any of this was helping at all — all he wanted was for the other to be okay. To be happy. He figured if he wasn’t going to tell him what happened, he might as well do his best to support him in every way he can.

“Promise,” Matthias eventually responded, his voice coming out barely above a whisper. He could see the determination in Florian’s expression, knowing that his partner was trying to do his best to help. And he appreciated it, even if he couldn’t fully open up yet.

December had arrived, and today marks the final day of school before the start of holiday break.

The classroom was already buzzing with excitement with the festive preparations for their annual Christmas party. As always, Florian volunteered to help with setting up, being the good student that he is.

Just like the last year’s party, they played a bunch of party games, the winner getting to take a prize. Florian participated in all of them of course — less concerned about winning and more by the simple joy of playing games with other people. He tried to get Matthias to join in as well, and it worked for a few games, until the brunette decided to stay back and sit for the rest. He watched as the blonde competed against their other classmates, a small chuckle escaping his lips every once in a while whenever Florian fumbled.

Once the party was over, Florian was one of the students that chose to stay for a while, this time volunteering to be part of the clean-up. Matthias helped too, not having anything else to do since his partner was always so adamant in helping around the class. That and the blonde needed help reaching the hanging decorations anyway. 

They settled at one of the large windows overlooking the school grounds to rest after cleaning. Florian leaned on Matthias’ shoulder as they watched the few remaining students pack up and leave. The tranquility of the moment was occasionally broken by Florian who would wave and say goodbye to the people that bid farewell to him. He was quite known in the school so it was expected.

“Did you have fun?”

Matthias leaned his head against Florian’s, a contented sigh escaping his lips. “I did. I don’t think I need to ask you the same question.”

“Hehe.” 

Another moment of silence passes between them. Matthias opens his mouth to say something, but before any words come out, Florian’s phone rings. The blonde pulls away to answer the call. Sounds like he got called by his friends. From what Matthias could hear, they were inviting him to hang out.

“Sure sure! Me and Matty will go there soon-”

Florian’s words were cut off by Matthias getting his attention and shaking his head as he mouthed the word ‘no’. 

“No…?” 

Matthias shook his head again. Florian held his phone away from his ear.

“You don’t want us to go? Fair enough, I’d rather spend time with you-”

“No, I mean, just go without me.”

Florian looked at him quizzically. “What why? You’re my partner, of course I’d rather choose to be with you!”

“I also want to be with you as much as possible but…” Matthias pauses as he thinks about his words, “...I think I’d rather rest for today. I’m kinda tired.”

Inaudible voices came out from Florian’s phone, to which he promptly ignored. “If that’s the case then I’m going home with you.”

“Florian…” The brunette sighs, but his resolve remains firm. “It’s okay. You can’t neglect your other friends like that. And I mean it, I’m tired from today.”

“Are you sure…?”

“Yes, so just go with them.”

Florian looked back at him with a sad expression.

“Are you shooing me away..”

He tried to show his exaggerated puppy dog look by getting near to Matthias’ face before getting stopped by his hand. “Oh please.”

“Can I at least kiss you before I go?”

Matthias removed his hand from Florian’s face who now had a glint in his eye. He wraps his arms around the brunette, showering him with kisses all over his face. 

“Love you, mmkay?”

“Yeah yeah, I love you too.” Although Matthias sounded annoyed, Florian knew that he really wasn’t, judging by the way his cheeks tinted pink.

“Uh, your phone.”

“Oh right,” Florian forgot about his phone that was still in his hand for a moment. He picks the call back up as Matthias looks at him amused at the way the voice on the other end sounded annoyed.

They eventually bid goodbye to each other before Matthias watched Florian’s figure slowly disappear from his sight.

Holiday break ended as quickly as it arrived. 

Slowly, as more time passed, Matthias would withdraw himself more often than usual. Florian finally confronts him about it.

“Hey, is everything alright?”

Matthias looked up at Florian as he approached, a mix of emotions in his eye. He had been distant lately, pulling away from everyone.

“I’m okay.” It was a clear lie, but Matthias didn’t know how to tell the truth.

Florian could see through it, though — it was clear something was bothering Matthias. But what exactly it was, he didn’t know.

The marks he once saw on his arm. The reason for his medical eyepatch. The way he would disappear sometimes and not respond to Florian’s texts.

…

It hurt, not knowing what caused these things.

Does Matthias not trust him?

They were partners… right?

He placed a hand on the brunette’s arm and gently caressed it with his thumb. “I’m sorry if I’ve been distracted lately, you know how you can always tell me anything, right?” 

Matthias tensed slightly under Florian’s touch, but he didn’t pull away. He appreciated the attention even if he didn’t feel like he deserved it.

“It’s just my parents… father… can be off sometimes, but it’s okay,” He hadn’t meant to say anything about his father, but the words just spilled out. “He’s just… disappointed in me.” he muttered, looking down at the floor.

“What? How can he be? You’re crazy talented! I mean, has he seen the creations you’ve made? I for one am proud of you!” It hurt to hear the other say these words, knowing that he didn’t deserve that. If only Matthias could see himself in FLorian’s eye…

Matthias let out a bitter laugh and shook his head. “You don’t understand.” he said quietly. “He doesn’t care about my creations. He… he sees me as a failure. A disappointment.” 

“He must be blind because that’s not the person I see in front of me right now.” Florian stares at him directly. “You shouldn’t listen to him. I’m sorry you have a sad excuse of a parent.”

Matthias averted his gaze, unable to hold Florian’s earnest look. “It’s fine,” he says, his voice weak. “It’s not a big deal. It doesn’t matter what he thinks.”

“Exactly, it doesn’t matter what he says. You’re amazing and you should never let anyone make you think otherwise.”

Florian outstretched his arms at him, to which Matthias stared at for several seconds before giving in and melting into the blonde’s arms as he wrapped him into a hug. 

It could never shake off the feeling of heaviness in Matthias’ chest, though.

Matthias didn’t go to school for two days. 

Florian texted and called him yet he never answered, so he decided he was going to visit his house after class had ended.

Worry gnawed at him as he thought of his partner’s absence and lack of response. The walk felt long and anxiety-inducing, his mind racing with different scenarios in his head. 

Why wasn’t Matthias responding to him? 

This wasn’t the first time Matthias didn’t respond to any of his messages, nor the first time he went absent. But somehow, today felt… off. Like something absolutely terrible happened. 

Was he okay? What could be going on?

As he continued to walk towards the direction of their house, he saw something strange in the distance.

The spot where Matthias’ house was supposed to be looked… awfully bright. And on top of it was a large dark cloud of – 

…Smoke?

…

Wait…

Florian stopped in his tracks, blinking in confusion and disbelief. The sight before him was something straight out of a nightmare.

A nightmare he was all too familiar with.

Where Matthias’ house should have been, all he could see was flames and smoke.

His heart thudded in his chest as realization hit him.

Matthias.

What if he was still inside?

So he ran, ran as fast as he could. He didn’t care if he nearly tripped, all he wanted to know was if Matthias was okay. As he got closer, he pushed through the small crowd gathering near the fire.

Yet, before he could step foot anywhere close to the house, someone stopped him from behind. He struggled and kicked around to no avail, their words nothing but white noise to him. The arrival of the fire trucks, with their sirens wailing and lights flashing, only fueled his desperation even as they cordoned the area.

The flames only seemed to intensify in its rage, the smoke billowing out of the house, and every part of him screamed to go inside, to find Matthias. But no matter how much he fought, the person holding him was strong and unyielding. He couldn’t get past even as he tried to bite the arm holding him back.

They started to put out the blaze, but Florian was barely able to register anything else other than his desperation to get into that house.

The news report came in not long after the incident.

A fire broke out in the Czernin’s family residence. There were no survivors.

Florian felt like the world shattered around him. The news echoed in his head, over and over again.

No survivors.

It couldn’t be true. Matthias couldn't be gone, he just couldn't. They were supposed to graduate together, supposed to go to college together. They had promised each other.

Yet as the reality sank in, Florian couldn’t deny the truth — Matthias was gone.

…

Was he too late?

If he had visited Matthias’ house sooner…

They made so many memories together. None of this felt real. But… for some reason, Florian hasn’t shed a single tear. Numbness settled over him, keeping him from fully understanding the emotions that threatened to overwhelm him.

Matthias was gone. Florian would never see him again. They would never graduate together, never go to college together, never keep any of the promises they made.

Everything felt crushing, but somehow Florian still couldn’t bring himself to cry. He felt… empty. It was as if a part of him had shut down.

Now, as he stood in front of the TV, the news of the incident hitting him like a tidal wave; he realized he had never truly learned how to properly grieve.

Grief had never come easily to him, not after the death of his own parents. He was hailed as a miracle, a young child who managed to survive a devastating fire. People had placed him on a pedestal, expecting him to move on and be strong.

The fire that took his parents now has taken his first love.

People at school expressed their condolences to Florian, the few who recognized him being close to Matthias, but it felt empty to him. The news quickly passed, and it seemed as though everyone had moved on. Matthias… forgotten, except to Florian.

It all felt surreal.

Why hasn’t he cried yet?

He should be grieving, crying, screaming, something. But he just… didn’t.

How funny it is that the world continues to spin even after a tragedy.

Florian remembered the attention he got after his parents died. How loved he was that he ended up being the only one who survived. How as time went on, he started to crave that attention, that recognition. It was the only constant in his life, the only thing that made him feel alive and noticed. Now that the one person that gave him that was gone, he craved that feeling again. Even though he should be grieving, he found himself thinking of how people would comfort him.

He should be mourning Matthias, yet he couldn’t cry. He should be reminiscing and missing him, but he couldn’t bring himself to.

But... didn’t he love Matthias? Didn’t they love each other? He should be feeling something... shouldn’t he?

So he constantly surrounded himself with people, distracting himself with his friends. 

Graduation came and went, and Florian found himself taking a gap year, working menial jobs to survive on his own now that he had turned 18.

The friends he had made in high school gradually drifted away as they all went off to college, leaving him behind. 

He still hasn’t cried.

Despite everything, despite losing Matthias, losing his friends, losing everything... Florian just felt... nothing.

...

…Right. They promised to go to college together.

The donations he had saved from the orphanage, combined with the earnings he had managed to make working, were enough to fund his education. But the thought of going without Matthias by his side made it feel hollow.

Starting college, Florian decided to throw himself into work and social life. He wanted to keep busy, to distract himself from his thoughts and the weight of Matthias' absence.

Working part-time would maximize his time spent with other people. The money was useful, of course, but the human interaction was what he craved. Despite everything, getting along with others was still easy for him.

If no one was to see him then what was the point of it all? He would be worth nothing, if there was not a single person to acknowledge his existence.

Every night, he takes out his small cross necklace, one he had received from his orphanage. He wasn’t even sure if he still believed in anything or anyone at this point. 

He would silently chant a prayer to himself, a desperate hope that somehow, somewhere, Matthias could hear him, that some higher power would give him some sense of comfort.

Chapter Text

It’s been more than a year.

I’m not sure anymore if the image I have of you in my mind is really you.

I know we have old photos of us together hidden around, but I can’t bear myself to look for them.

Tomorrow will be the official first day of classes.

As he stared up at the ceiling on his bed, his thoughts drifted back to Matthias again. He came to the same realization he had months ago: he doesn’t have a single thing left from his partner. Other than a few photos and a notebook that Matthias forgot to get back from Florian in high school, he didn’t have any of his belongings. Not even one of his creations, the puppets he made from his own hands that he was proud of. 

Everything he owned burned with him in the fire.

The weight in his chest felt like an ever-present ache, a constant reminder of the loss he had suffered. Even then… he still hasn’t cried.

Why?

Why couldn’t he shed a single tear for the person he loved?

Florian released a breath he hadn't even known he was holding. 

College. Tomorrow. 

He squeezed his eye shut, desperate for sleep to offer some respite from the turmoil in his mind.

Lost in his thoughts on the first day of class on campus, he walked right into another student, losing his balance and tumbling to the ground.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t see you.”

Florian looked up to the person who spoke — his breath hitches. The student, with a cascade of long hair falling over his shoulder, extended a hand, a gentle smile gracing his lips.

“It’s…” he began, the words caught in his throat, “It’s okay, I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

As he grasped the offered hand and pulled himself to his feet, he noticed something extraordinary: the student's eyes were two different colors. Before he could stop himself, he blurted out, 

"You have... homophobia?" 

The student let out a low chuckle. 

"Heterochromia, you mean."

“Oh.”

The very first day of his new life in college and he’s already embarrassed himself. Great job, Florian. He tries to hide the embarrassment showing on his face but couldn’t pull his gaze away from the student’s face.

One of his eyes was a beautiful brown and the other a striking blue. Part of his hair fell over on the right side of his forehead, the other half tucked behind his ear with a few stray strands. He notices the glint of silver — a few piercings catching the light on his ears. His hands were adorned in silver as well in the form of rings, and —

He hadn’t realized he was staring for far too long until he heard him let out another soft chuckle. Fuck. That was when he also realized he was still holding his hand.

Florian immediately let go of his hand, face getting even redder by the moment.

What is he doing?

It’s only been a year. He shouldn’t be—

“You’re a freshman, aren’t you?”

Florian blinked at the sudden question.

“Y-yeah, my first year here. You?”

“Sophomore. Want me to show you around?”

This was all happening so fast, so soon after… 

…

He shouldn’t be feeling this way, he reminded himself sternly. It was wrong, disrespectful, but somehow… he couldn’t help his gaze lingering longer than necessary. A part of him hesitated, unsure… but the idea of having a friendly guide was too tempting to resist.

Florian agreed to let him show him around.

As they walked through the campus, Florian couldn’t help but notice the students who approached the sophomore, greeting him with friendly hellos and smiles. Some even stopped to stare, their gazes almost envious.

The realization hit him: This student was popular. Admired. Loved by many. And yet here he was, showing him around.

Florian was conflicted between a sense of inferiority and pride, walking beside someone who seemed so adored.

The student continued showing him around, chatting about the campus, the various organizations, and his own experiences as a sophomore. Meanwhile, Florian was struggling to keep up, both with the pace of their walking and with his own thoughts.

There was something about this particular student, with the way he smiled and the way he would tuck his long hair behind his ear every once in a while…

He shook his head subtly, trying to push the thought away.

The tour abruptly ended when the student glanced at his phone. “Ah, shoot, I got class in a few minutes. Sorry to cut this short, my class is in another building across the campus. See you around,”

“Oh, uh, see you-”

Florian lifted his hand to wave goodbye but the student had already turned away.

He had forgotten to ask for his name. All he knew was that he was a second year with mesmerizing eyes and a captivating smile. It felt like a missed opportunity, a chance lost.

…

Their interaction lingered in his mind even as he tried to settle into his dorm room that night.

Florian found himself conflicted again. Matthias had been the love of his life, his partner, his future. They had planned to go to college together, to graduate together, to live their lives together. But a year had passed without him, and here he was, entranced by a stranger.

Didn’t they promise to be together? Why is he suddenly now acting embarrassed towards another person?

He felt guilty. Almost like he was betraying Matthias in some way, just by simply interacting with someone else. It felt wrong. It was wrong.

Now, more than ever, Florian craved the attention and acknowledgment of others. It was an almost obsessive need. He felt a constant hunger to be seen, to be known. But why? In Matthias, he had found the one person who truly understood him, who truly saw him for who he was. But now, with him gone, Florian was left adrift, desperate for that same kind of connection with anyone else. He needed it like he needed air to breathe, like water to drink.

…

He should just forget that encounter today.

He’s going to finish college, for… for Matthias.

Even without him by his side, because that was their plan. Because that was what Matthias would have wanted. He repeated those words like a mantra in his head until he began to doze off.

But even in his sleep, his dreams were invaded by visions of mismatched eyes and a breathtaking smile, leaving behind a sense of guilt and confusion.

The next day in class, he promised himself that he was just going to focus on college and work. That’s it. Every connection he has with people here is towards that goal. 

He sat right at the front as always, practically face to face with the professor’s desk, not only because of his vision but also because he wanted to be the first to be noticed when he raises his hand. 

He’s going to act the same as he did with the other people in high school, just smile and laugh along and be friendly…

His vision got blocked by someone standing right in front of where he was sitting. Before he could open his mouth to ask if they were sitting here, he looked up and —

Ah.

“Hello.”

A familiar face spoke to him.

“Hi.”

Right in front of him was the student from yesterday. A small smirk rested on his face.

“Didn’t think we’d have a class together,” the student spoke again, “Sorry to leave in a hurry yesterday, I didn’t get to tell my name, didn't I?”

He proceeded to take a seat right next to Florian. “Let’s start again. I’m Richard.”

Florian's heart skipped a beat. Richard. The name rolled off his tongue so effortlessly, and it suited him perfectly.

Guilt immediately washed over him. He shouldn't be feeling this way about someone else. He was here for college, to finish his education, and this... connection with Richard felt like a distraction.

Of all the people, it just had to be him who shared a class with him. And now he was right next to him, close enough that Florian could smell the subtle cologne lingering on his clothes.

"It's… nice to meet you, Richard," Florian managed to say, looking at him and trying not to get lost in those eyes. “I’m Florian.”

“Florian, hmm,” Richard chuckled softly. “Sounds cute, it suits you.”

The blonde felt a blush creep up his neck, his mind suddenly a whirlwind of confused emotions.

“I’m glad fate decided to make us classmates.”

“Y-yeah, me too.”

Richard seemed to be enjoying the way Florian was struggling to keep his cool. He adjusted his position in the seat, getting even closer, the space between them nearly non-existent. 

“You seem a bit tense,” Richard continued, leaning in ever so slightly, “Something on your mind?”

Florian could feel his heart thump loudly against his chest, the close proximity of Richard making it hard for him to focus.

“No, I… just feeling a bit under the weather today.” Florian managed to reply, his voice cracking slightly. It wasn’t quite the truth, but it wasn’t entirely a lie either.

Richard hummed softly, a gentle sound that vibrated through Florian's ear like a melody. "Under the weather, hm? You do look a bit flushed. Are you sure that's all?"

The sophomore leaned in even closer, close enough that Florian could feel the subtle heat radiating off him, mixed with the scent of his cologne. It was almost dizzying.

It was a dangerous move, playing with fire, but Richard seemed unfazed, as if he knew exactly what effect he was having on Florian.

“Y-yes.”

No. He shouldn’t feel like this. This was wrong.

Before his thoughts consumed him, their professor entered the room, and Florian silently thanked God. But even as class began, he couldn’t shake the lingering feeling of Richard’s presence beside him. Every once in a while, he would steal a glance in the other’s direction, and the sophomore would glance back at him with a smirk.

The class came to an end and they ended up chatting a bit, finding out this was the only class he shared with Richard. He felt a mix of relief… and a strange sense of disappointment.

But Florian knew he should keep his distance. He was doing this for Matthias, to honor his memory, and getting too close with someone else felt like a betrayal.

As he gathered his things, getting ready to leave, he heard Richard’s voice call out to him. “Hey, Florian.”

Florian takes a deep breath before turning to face the other student. “Yeah?” He braced himself for whatever the other had to say — but no matter how much he tried to mentally prepare himself, he found his heart rate increasing.

“Mind if I walk with you?”

Florian takes a while to process his words. “Don’t you have another class after this?”

“Not until after an hour and a half. It’s break time after all, why don’t we go eat together?”

Florian felt a lump form in his throat. Richard wanted to go eat together. The thought of spending more time with him was both exciting and terrifying. How could he say no? Without even thinking, he nodded slightly.

Richard smiled, clearly pleased by Florian's response. "Great. Let's go then. There's a café nearby, and the pastries are to die for."

Before Florian could even reply back, he felt his arm get pulled. 

As they walked towards the cafe, he could feel the stares of the other students boring into him — no doubt wondering why Richard was walking with him — and he couldn't help but feel a bit threatened but also proud. Being seen on the arm of someone like Richard, who had so many people admiring him, felt good.

But the sense of pride was quickly replaced with a twinge of guilt, as he thought of Matthias again.

He was just going to eat together with his new acquaintance. That’s all. Nothing more.

The cafe exuded a cozy interior, the soft sunlight streaming through its large windows. It was perfect for curling up with a good book or studying — the atmosphere warm and inviting. In fact, he could recognize a few students already inside with their phones and laptops.

Florian immediately peered into the pastry display case. Richard was right, they looked amazing! Some of them were in the shape of animals, like a bunny or a cat. And, oh, there was even a fox one! Well, at least he believed it was a fox, since it was kind of shaped like one. He orders that one along with a milkshake and hears a chuckle beside him. What's wrong with my choice? He silently thought to himself.

Meanwhile, Richard had ordered a more refined café au lait and a croissant. "A fox, huh? It suits you."

He felt heat rise up to his cheeks at his comment. Just as he was about to pay, Richard quickly swooped in with his own card. Florian opened his mouth to protest, but was immediately shut down by Richard. “My treat.”

Florian was about to protest again but Richard seemed to anticipate that and placed a finger gently on his lips, shushing him. "No buts. I was the one who wanted to go here, anyway. So I'm treating you," Richard explained, his smug smirk ever-present on his face. He hands him his fox-shaped pastry. “Here’s your little cute pastry that looks like you.”

As if Florian’s face couldn’t get even more red.

He took the pastry from Richard, feeling the slight brush of the other’s fingers against his own, and resigned to mumble a small “thank you” in response.

"You're welcome." Richard replied smoothly, leading Florian towards a table near one of the cafe’s large windows to sit.

As they sat across from each other, there was this nagging feeling in the back of Florian’s mind. That he shouldn’t be enjoying this. That this was wrong, to be easily flustered by someone he just met a day ago.

“Even your choice of drink is cute.” Florian’s thoughts were once again interrupted as Richard pointed at his milkshake.

"It's just a milkshake." he muttered, feeling a bit self-conscious.

Richard chuckled again, the corner of his lips twitching into a smile. "It's exactly my point. Everything about you is just so..." He paused for a moment, as if choosing his words carefully. "Adorable."

What's wrong with liking cute things? He silently thought to himself. “I’m a grown adult, you know.”  Florian replied with a pout.

“Hmm,” Richard placed a hand under his chin, “And how old are you?”

“19.”

Richard hummed in acknowledgement, a thoughtful expression on his face. "19, huh? So you're a year younger than me."

A year younger... He wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. "Why does that matter?" Florian tried to sound nonchalant, but there was a hint of defensiveness in his voice.

“I just thought of how funny it is with how short you are.”

Florian let out an offended noise, pouting even more at the insult. "I'm not that short!"

He was just a bit below average height. It wasn't a massive difference. But to be called short by someone who was a year older and probably a good few inches taller... Well, he wasn't happy about it.

"You're not even that much taller than me." Florian retorted, trying to sound as indignant as possible.

“At least I can reach the top shelf.”

The two went back and forth for a while. Although Florian did feel a bit offended, he can’t help but feel… alive again.

He’s allowed to be happy… right? What would Matthias think?

Would he be upset to see Florian talking and laughing with another person?

It’s just a friend. Right. He’s just hanging out with someone who showed him around the campus, so it’s only right that he accepted his invitation to eat at a cafe together.

Yeah, that's it. Just a new friend. Florian repeated the words in his mind, trying to convince himself as he bit into his sweet fox pastry. Richard was just a friend. And they were just hanging out together. No more, no less. There was nothing wrong with that. Absolutely nothing.

"So," Richard said, breaking the momentary silence between them. "What's your next class?"

“Calculus 1.”

“I have a friend who took that in their first year. I can ask for their notes if you need them.”

Florian was a bit surprised by Richard's offer. It was... incredibly generous. Though he felt a little bad making him have to ask for someone else’s notes.

"Oh, you don't have to do that." Florian began, but Richard just waved off his protest.

"Nonsense. They still have the notes on their drive, and I'm sure you can make better use of them anyway." Richard responded casually, taking a sip of his coffee. “If there’s anything else you need notes for, just tell me. If it’s a class I’ve already taken I can give you mine, and if it’s not I can ask one of my friends.”

Florian wanted to ask why Richard was being so nice to him, showing him around the campus, treating him to a cafe and now sharing his notes. Instead, he just accepted his help and quietly said “thank you” to him.

But there was a part of him that felt like he was accepting too much from this new “friend”.

Richard flashed a charming smile in response to his thanks, but Florian couldn't help but wonder if there was an ulterior motive behind his kindness. Why was he going so out of his way to help? What did he want in return?

He felt a little conflicted. On one hand, he appreciated Richard's help and friendliness. On the other hand, he felt a strange sense of unease, like he was slowly getting tangled in a web he didn't know how to escape from.

“Don’t mention it.”

There was a hint of something in Richard’s eyes, a glimmer of something that Florian couldn’t quite read. But before he could contemplate further, Richard spoke up again.

“Just try not to forget about me when you get those perfect marks on your finals.” he teased.

Florian's lips twitched into a small, reluctant smile at Richard's teasing. "Not that I need it to pass."

…There it was again. That feeling of guilt. Matthias wasn't the only one in his mind anymore, and the fact that he could already so easily joke with someone else tugged at his heartstrings. He didn’t want to admit it but… there was a small part of him that relished in the attention and banter.

“I’m sure you don’t.”

They went to their respective classes after their break ended, and once again Florian was left with his thoughts.

It’s not that he had difficulty getting along with others. He never did. He was always the one to take the first step after all. Yet… there’s still something that felt missing.

Florian found it strange how his thoughts kept drifting back to Richard throughout the day. In classes, while walking back to his dorm room... He couldn't seem to go a few minutes without thinking about the sophomore.

Why does he occupy my thoughts so much? Sure, he was handsome and charming. But there were other handsome and charming people in the world, right? So why did Richard have this strange effect on him?

The more he thought about him, the more Florian felt a strange sense of emptiness. There was just something that felt... incomplete.  Like a piece of him was missing. And no matter how busy or preoccupied he was, that feeling refused to go away.

Days passed and they continued to get closer.

Richard's presence in his life grew, and the strange emptiness inside Florian didn’t subside. In fact, it seemed to intensify.

Every interaction with Richard, every moment they spent together, it only left Florian more confused and conflicted. He found himself gravitating towards Richard, seeking out his company, craving his attention. And Richard, it seemed, was more than willing to give it to him.

Although he eventually made other new friends, his thoughts kept circling back to that charming smile and those beautiful eyes. They only shared one class and those few hours together became the highlights of his week. He also found himself getting more motivated to participate in class with him by his side — the two always choosing each other in any group activity. 

After some time their professor had to ban them from getting grouped together because it was ‘unfair’ and that they had to ‘share their smarts with other people’. Florian supposed that their professor had a point but also… really? Come on. 

Regardless, he still did his best in class, always the first to volunteer and the first to raise a hand. Richard was the same, and not so soon after it became a little game between them on who would get called by their professor first.

“Alright, that’s enough, Mr. Sterling and Mr. Brand. Can I hear from the others as well?”  

Richard and Florian exchanged a look as their professor ignored both of their raised hands.

‘No points for you.’ Richard mouthed the words to him with a smug face.

‘No points for you either.’ Florian mouthed back as he stuck out his tongue.

Ever since that, their professor called on the two less, since they were pretty much the only ones that actively participated in class. Both of them had already maxed out their points for recitation so they decided to sit back, resigning to judging the other students’ answers. Their professor never seemed to care if they talked to each other even in lectures anyway.

Whenever both of them had free time in their schedule, they would spend it studying and doing their assignments in the library. They both had vastly different subjects but they still try to help the other (mostly Richard helping Florian since he was a second year). Some students tried to join them, no doubt wanting to get ahead by studying with the two geniuses… or just wanting to get close to the sophomore, but Richard always refused. While Florian felt a little bad, he also felt a sense of pride. Studying felt so easy for the most part, when Florian wasn’t distracted by Richard’s habit of tucking his hair behind his ear.

All of this was… fun. He was having fun in college. 

…

So why did a part of him still feel wrong?

He should just stop overthinking things. It’s normal to have fun with a friend. Right?

…Yeah. It’s normal. Florian tried to convince himself. There’s nothing bad about having fun with a classmate. Or classmates.

He should focus on his studies. For… Matthias.

Weekends were the only days where he could get a break from Richard. He worked at a small convenience store which was a bit of a walking distance from his dorm, and he was thankful that no one in his uni saw him there.

That was, until today.

Florian was arranging the items at the counter when he heard a familiar voice.

“Well, isn’t this a surprise.”

He turned to see Richard standing there with a wide grin on his face. Florian’s heart skipped a beat, a mixture of surprise and embarrassment on his face. He was stunned as he looked at the man before him — he looked absolutely gorgeous.

His hair was half-pulled back, secured in a messy bun, and he wore a soft mint-green cardigan. He'd also upped his accessory game considerably, sporting twice as many rings and piercings as he'd ever dared to wear on campus. It was a stark contrast to the bland uniform he was currently forced to wear.

Standing there with Richard looking all suave and polished before him, Florian felt a strange feeling. It was a mix of inferiority… and a bit of something else he couldn’t quite figure out.

“Uh,” he managed to stutter out, “What are you doing here?”

Richard casually leaned against the counter, the smirk on his face growing wider. “Can’t I come get some snacks?”

“O-oh, right.” 

Florian forced himself to resume his work as Richard walked away. He wasn’t actually doing anything productive, mostly fidgeting with the items at the counter. Even though the other male was out of eyesight, he still felt a pair of eyes watch his every movement. It was a blessing that there was practically no one in the store right now.

Great. Now he also knows where I work. The one place where he could distract himself by working so he wouldn’t have to think of him now ruined.

Richard seemed to be done as he approached the counter with his items, the total cost of which was way higher than what a usual college student would spend in a convenience store. He leaned against the counter once again while Florian rang up the items, his voice low. “You look good in uniform, you know.”

“Really.” Florian replied in an unamused tone, the other probably trying to make him feel better because he obviously looked so much better than him right now.

Richard was clearly amused by his reaction. “Oh, come on. No need to be sour. I mean it,” he said, a smirk forming on his lips. He leaned in a bit closer, his voice dropping to an almost sultry murmur. “You look very… endearing like this. All obedient and well-behaved.”

What the hell did he mean by that?

Florian tried to ignore it, ignore the annoying overwhelming presence of Richard. He tried to act nonchalant as he bagged the items, but his hands fumbled slightly from the comment. 

“Though I think you’d look even better out of it.”

The moment the words left Richard's mouth, Florian's eye widened in surprise. He was caught completely off guard, his face heating up and heart stuttering in his chest. The words had come out too casually, too naturally from Richard. And they had more effect on Florian than he would've expected. 

He tried to act calm and detached, but the redness in his cheeks betrayed his true emotions. "You... You can't just say things like that, you know." he said, his voice betraying the fluster he felt.

What was he trying to imply?

They were friends right? This was all going too fast —

It’s just a joke.

Yeah, he probably just wanted to tease him around. 

He can’t feel like this. Not when… not when…

"But you like it, don't you?" 

Florian was frozen, unable to look away, his breath hitching in his throat.

“Shut up.”

That familiar feeling of guilt returned to the forefront of his mind. 

What was wrong with him? He might as well just dance on top of his partner’s ashes right now.

Richard still looked very much amused, unaware of the conflict in Florian’s head. “I’m just kidding around, chill.” 

Florian tried his best to keep his composure. “Just leave.”

He grabbed the items he bought and turned to leave, a smug smile still on his face. “See you in class.”

The moment Richard left, Florian leaned against the counter, the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding escaping in a shaky exhale. His heart was still hammering against his chest, his mind a mess of confusing emotions.

Seeing Richard earlier had affected him more than he wanted to admit. He felt flustered, uneasy, intrigued, and guilty. Guilty that he had so quickly been sucked in by Richard’s charm after Matthias—

Matthias.

He remembers how he still hasn’t cried since Matthias’ death.

Why?

He loved him… so why hasn’t he still cried more than a year later? He should be grieving, right? He should be missing him, right?

But instead, here he was, flustered by the presence of a charming, handsome man after only a year. As if Matthias had never been.

…

He feels a figure behind him, as if watching his every movement. It wasn’t the same one as Richard’s — but something else.

“You must hate me.” Florian whispers to himself quietly.

He wasn’t sure if he hated himself, but he was sure Matthias would.

The sound of another customer entering the store took him out of his thoughts. He forced a smile on his face as he served more customers. Nobody would’ve guessed the inner turmoil Florian was feeling, the guilt and confusion swirling inside him as he worked.

“Want to study together?”

Florian blinked at the voice that suddenly called out to him. Right, he was back in class now.

“Oh hey, Richie- Richard,” He corrects himself quickly, “Sure.”

Richard flashed a bright smile, clearly very pleased with the answer, his eyes sparkling with anticipation.

“Great,” he said, gathering his backpack and notes. “Let’s go to my place, if that’s okay?”

“Okay,” Florian replied before pausing, “But, why can’t we just study in the library?” They’ve always studied together there, so he didn’t know what difference it would make going to his place. 

Richard chuckled, slinging an arm around Florian’s shoulders. “The library can get crowded,” he said, his voice slightly mischievous. “And I don’t know about you, but I need a bit of privacy to properly study, you know? Midterms are approaching, after all.”

“Oh… fair,” The blonde replied, “Though is it okay if I go to my dorm first, I gotta get my notes first.”

Richard pulled back slightly, his arm dropping from around Florian’s shoulders, and he let out a small sigh. “Oh come on, seriously?” he whined slightly. “Why do you need to go back for notes? Can’t you just borrow mine?”

“We only share one class, you know. I also need to study other subjects.”

“Alright, fine. Make it quick, okay?”

Richard let out another small huff, but he was clearly more amused than annoyed.

“Don’t keep me waiting, or I’ll have to come to your dorm to get you. I’ll be asking my other friends if they could send additional notes on your subjects in the meantime.”

Florian nodded and quickly left.

Back in his dorm, he searched around for his notes. As he was fishing around his stuff he came across a familiar worn notebook.

It was the one from high school that belonged to Matthias.

He froze as he held it in his hand. This was the one thing other than their few photos together that he still has from his late partner. 

…

Out of all the things that didn’t burn with him in the fire, it was this notebook. Florian already knew what was inside — after all he had always studied together with Matthias all those years ago. Despite that… he never had the strength to open it, knowing it would be filled with his handwriting… handwriting that he wouldn’t be able to see again.

He takes a deep breath as he gathers the courage to open it. As expected, it was full of notes that he had already seen, with a few little messy doodles here and there. There was one doodle he recognized that he drew himself, a very inaccurate drawing of Matthias’ grumpy face. 

Seeing that made Florian smile… ah, how he missed those times… 

…No, he should focus on his task at hand. He was here to get his notes. Richard was probably waiting for him.

He quickly flipped through the rest of the pages. Before he could put it down to return the notebook to its original place, he notices something lodged inside one of the pages.

It was a piece of folded paper. He carefully picked it up, opened it and… the letters looked familiar.

Matthias’ handwriting.

But he didn’t recognize it as one of his notes. It looked like… a letter.

Florian’s whole body went still, his heart suddenly thundering in his chest. Why was this piece of paper here? And what was written on it?

With shaky hands, he held the piece of paper to read what was written.

You must be wondering why I always take so long to reply to your texts. It’s been a while yet I can’t bring up the courage to respond to your message.

Florian's heart clenched tightly as he read the words on the paper. This was clearly written by Matthias, judging by the handwriting and the paper itself. 

As he continued reading, he desperately wanted to know why Matthias had written this letter, why he couldn't bring himself to reply, and most of all, why he had never seen it before.

It must be tiring, isn’t it? Everytime we talk, I always dampen the mood with my occasional sad talk. I want you to know that during all the time I’m isolating I was thinking of you. I promise it’s not you. It’s me being just a terrible person to hang out with.

What?

Florian was stunned. Matthias had written this? Matthias had been the one to feel like a terrible person to hang out with? It was so... wrong.

Matthias had never been a terrible person to hang out with, he never dampened the mood, nothing like that. 

Honestly, I don’t know why you still talk to me. I have never done anything to warrant such kindness and patience from you. You’ve given me so much. I barely have given you anything back. I feel so shitty making you worry for me so many times. You deserve someone better, someone who can match your energy and your enthusiasm on the things you like.

Florian could hardly believe the words on the paper. 

Matthias thought the kind and patient gestures Florian had shown him were undeserved? He thought he hadn’t given him anything in return? He felt so… shitty that Florian worried so much for him?

The words, the handwriting, it was so unmistakably Matthias. But the thoughts written on this paper were so different from what Florian had imagined him to think.

I really do genuinely enjoy being with you. It’s just… I feel such guilt making you comfort me so many times, when you have gone through much worse. I don’t know how you do it. You’re so amazing for that, and I admire your strength. Not gonna lie, it makes me feel inferior sometimes.

He felt guilt for having Florian comfort him, even though Florian wanted to comfort him, wanted to reassure him. He felt inferior because of Florian’s strength.

Florian had never imagined that Matthias felt this way. They have been together for years, and Matthias had never mentioned anything like this.

His heart ached as he read the next part of the letter.

I’m sorry. I don’t deserve you.

That’s why I want to take this burden off you.

Florian’s heart missed a few beats as he read those words. 

Matthias was apologizing. Matthias felt as if Florian didn’t deserve him. Matthias wanted to take… the burden off of Florian. 

What did it mean? What did Matthias want to do?

Please forget about me. Whatever happens to me is not your fault. Don’t feel bad about yourself. It wasn’t your duty to save me. Nor is it anyone’s.

Forget…? 

What does this all mean?

Florian’s anxiety was quickly building up as he slowly sank to the ground, his heart clenching tighter and tighter as he read the next part of the letter. 

Don’t ever blame yourself. Please. I want you to focus on yourself. You’re a very good person who is loved by many and I want you to flourish without me holding you back. I know your other friends got your back which makes me feel relieved because then you can easily forget about me.

Thank you for everything. And I’m sorry.

Florian’s eye widened, heart clenching so hard he felt physical ache in his chest.

His hands were trembling, his heart beating uncontrollably as he tried to find the strength to continue reading.

…But that was it. There was nothing else on the paper.

It was clear Matthias wrote this addressed to him even if there was no recipient written. 

He recalls the fire that took his partner’s life, along with his family.

Was that fire…

Florian’s mind was spinning, his heart thundering in his chest.

His mind was suddenly filled with horrific thoughts.

Did Matthias plan to do something to himself? Did he… burn the house down on purpose?

It felt like he couldn’t breathe as the thoughts kept swirling.

…But it was already too late. Matthias is dead, and he’s not returning. Florian wouldn’t be able to ask him.

He would never know if the fire was an accident or…

Florian’s heart felt like it was being squeezed so tightly it might burst. 

The letter. The fire. Matthias. 

…

It was all too much. Florian’s head ached with confusion, sadness, guilt, and most of all, regret.

Why hadn’t he found this letter before? Why hadn’t he searched harder to find out what was wrong? Why had he ignored Matthias’ occasional sad talk? Why—

The phone in his pocket chimed. Florian let out a shaky exhale as he took out his phone. 

A text.

‘What’s taking you so long?’

Richard was growing impatient.

The last thing he wanted right now was to see him. But…

He texted Richard back ‘coming’ and started getting his notes to return to class.

“About time.”

Florian took a moment to catch his breath, having ran all the way back.

“Sorry…”

“That took way longer than I expected.” he said as Florian caught his breath. He reached out and ruffled Florian’s hair affectionately. “What took you so long, anyway?”

“I couldn’t find my notes for a bit… sorry about that.”

Richard raised an eyebrow but didn’t question him. “Let’s go.” he took Florian’s wrist in his hand as he pulled him outside. 

The walk there was silent. Neither of them spoke. Florian could feel the gaze of other students as usual but he didn’t bother to look at them. He kept his head down, letting the other male lead him.

They stopped walking, and Florian looked up in surprise as they stopped right in front of a car. Richard noticed Florian’s bewildered look and grinned. He casually opened the passenger seat for him, holding the door open.

“You look confused,” he said. “Never seen a car, blondie?”

“You… you have a car?” he said, surprise clear in his voice. He never knew Richard had a car .

“How do you think I get to uni?”

“I… I thought you had a dorm near here?”

“I did say we were going to my place. My house.” There was a smug look on his face as he spoke again, opening the passenger door for Florian with a flourish. “C’mon, get in. The passenger seat awaits you, sunshine.”

Florian reluctantly got in, while Richard got into the driver’s seat. Not only did Richard have a car, but he could drive too. Just how many things did he not know about him?

“You’ve got to stop looking so shocked, you’re making me wonder just how much else you don’t know about me.” He started the engine and maneuvered the car out of the parking lot. “Feeling alright there?”

“I’m okay.” Florian replied, but it felt more as if he was saying it to convince himself rather than a reply to him. Richard gave a soft hum in response, his gaze going back to the road.

He still couldn’t get his mind off about Matthias’ note. The implication that the fire may not have been accidental…

Even though he just learned that, he still… he still hasn’t cried yet.

…

There was a brief moment of silence in the car, before Richard spoke up again, his tone almost taunting. “You’re quiet,” he observed. “Thinking about something?”

…Right. He was in a car right now with a friend who wanted to study with him at his place. He forced his mind to stop drifting away with those thoughts, scrambling to say something to distract himself. “When did you learn to drive?” he said, clutching his bag on his lap.

“Oh, it’s been a while now,” Richard continued driving, keeping his attention on the road as he responded. “I got my license the moment I turned seventeen. No big deal, really.”

He flicked a glance at Florian before returning his gaze to the road. “Why, you want me to teach you?” he asked. “You’d look adorable driving a car.”

Florian turned his head away. “I’d love to, but…” his hand instinctively reaches up to the bandaged part of his face. 

Richard didn’t take his eyes off the road, but understood what the other had meant.

“I think you can still drive with one eye, you’d just have to take regular eye exams.”

“You… think so?” he asked, voice uncharacteristically unconfident.

Richard gave a careless shrug, one hand leaving the steering wheel to wave dismissively. “Sure. Just do your eye exams, make sure you can still see properly, and you’ll eventually be a licensed driver. Piece of cake.”

“If you think so, then… I might in the future.”

“Not ‘I might’, you will, Florian.” Richard placed a hand on the blonde’s thigh for a moment before returning back to the wheel.

Florian’s heart gave an involuntary flutter, the unexpected gesture making him feel suddenly self-conscious. His hands gripped his notes even tighter.

“…okay.” Florian said quietly, his heart still beating a bit faster from the contact.

…

Everything felt like it was spinning.

This was happening too fast. 

He just read a letter that sounded like a suicide note from his partner— no, it was a suicide note, wasn’t it? Even if the fire was actually accidental, that letter was for sure…

A heavy silence filled the air. Florian tried to distract himself by watching the world pass by outside the window.

Richard focused on the road for a bit before speaking again. “Whenever there’s something I like, I do everything in my power to get it. Even if I have to sacrifice some things.”

Florian made a face in confusion at his statement. He felt lost and disoriented, and Richard’s enigmatic words didn’t help. “What do you mean?” he asked quietly, his heart continuing to beat erratically in his chest.

“…What I mean is, it takes a lot of effort and determination to obtain what you want, so if there’s something you want to achieve,” he turns to completely face Florian, “You stop at nothing to chase your dreams, no matter what life throws at you.”

Richard’s signature smile returned to his face. 

“We’re here.”

Chapter Text

“This is… your house?”

Outside the car window, Florian glanced around to see that they’ve arrived in front of a large, well-maintained house. The grandeur of the place, a clear display of affluence, contrasted sharply with his own sense of smallness. It felt almost intimidating, and it was obvious just from the outside that Richard was quite well-off.

“You like it?” The sophomore pulled the car into the driveway as Florian still processed their surroundings. He stepped out of the car to open the passenger’s side, reaching out his hand for the other to take. 

It took a moment for Florian to gather himself, mind running a million thoughts a second before dissolving into nothingness as he forced himself in the present. He took Richard’s hand as he looked over the house again. “It’s really nice.”

Hand in hand, they approached the entrance, where the taller man used his free hand to unlock the door. Stepping inside, Florian pauses in his tracks as he takes in the sight before him. He stood frozen in the foyer as he looked around - the inside of the house was as beautiful as the exterior, with all the expensive-looking furniture everywhere.

But Florian didn’t have time to admire the decor before Richard was tugging on his wrist again with a slight smile, pulling Florian after him as he started walking further into the house.

They went upstairs on a large staircase, with the walls along the stairs adorned with many paintings of… knights? There sure were a lot of them. The paintings seemed to be all portraits of medieval knights, their faces and armor vividly depicted in breathtaking detail. He felt a vague sense of unease as they ascended the stairs, the gazes of the painted knights seemed to silently stare down at him. 

It was almost as if they were watching his every movement…

“Uh,” Florian began, but the words got caught in his throat.

“Hm?”

“You have nice decor.”

Richard snickered, his smile widening. “Oh, you mean the paintings?” he asked, gesturing to the walls. “Yeah, I love medieval history. Knights, swords, battles, that kind of thing. I’ve been a fan since I was a kid, hence the decorations.”

“...I can see that.”

The sophomore lets out a chuckle as he continues to lead Florian towards the second floor.

…

What was Florian doing here exactly?

There was this sense of dread, ever since he agreed to get in that car. That this was all leading into… something. What that thing was, he didn’t know. It was a little scary, not even knowing exactly what is even making him feel such anxiety.

A sort of heavy weight rested inside his chest. He couldn’t explain it, but all he knew is that thinking about… about Matthias hurt. So he tried to think about the man before him right now - but that hurt, too. He didn’t know what to think.

He figured the silence was making him dwell on these kinds of thoughts, so he tried to conjure a question, anything that could distract him right now. He looked around, noticing how awfully quiet it was despite the large place.

“Do you live alone?” Florian asked as they reached the top of the stairs. Richard walked further down into the hallway, still holding Florian’s wrist, the blonde trailing behind him. He hummed thoughtfully at the question.

“Yeah, I live alone,” he replied, his gaze flicking up and down Florian’s figure. “Why do you ask?”

Feeling the other stare at him, Florian felt a bit tense. Don’t think about it. “I-It just seemed kind of quiet here.”

“It won’t be if you moved in here with me.”

He felt heat rise up to his face.

It was almost disgusting.

Was this how he’s going to honor his partner’s memory? To be easily flustered by someone else, when he just read a devastating letter from him?

If only the world could stop for a second to at least give him some time. Some time to just… process everything.

But the world stopped for no one, not even Matthias. He reminded himself that. It never stopped when his parents died, so it was stupid to even think of it.

Richard doesn’t wait for Florian to answer, his hand tightening around the other as he pulls him closer. “The offer’s open for you to move in anytime.”

Despite the clear slight blush on his cheeks, Florian didn’t feel any better.

…

The note still hasn’t left his mind.

He so badly wanted to tell someone about it, to tell them about the letter. Or, hell, just crumble and melt into someone’s arms without saying anything about it. Just something. Someone. Anything. God, just… anything. To make himself feel less alone.

Maybe Richard would understand him. He would, right? Would it be a terrible idea to tell the man before him right now? He didn’t know how to feel and think and all he wanted was for someone to give him even an ounce of comfort. But he didn’t know how to ask for it, because all this time… all he ever needed was to smile and then all his worries would wash away like the tide, or at least that was what he got used to doing. What he got programmed to do since he was a child.

…No, no. What is he thinking? Rather than think about Matthias, he was thinking about himself again.

Matthias.

…

He was here, in Richard’s house, while thoughts of Matthias still coursed through his mind…

Was he betraying Matthias’ memory by being here?

Meanwhile, Richard seemed unaware of Florian’s thoughts, his hand still grasping Florian’s wrist as he led him forward. He suddenly stopped in front of a large bedroom door, which he opened, revealing a well-furnished room behind.

Florian’s eye widened as they entered the room. Inside was as tastefully decorated as the rest of the house, neat and tidy with subtle, almost luxurious decor.

The bed was particularly impressive, a large, four-poster with dark, heavy canopies draped over it. It looked like something straight out of a king’s castle. The entire area was nearly as large as Florian’s own dorm room, maybe even larger.

“This is your room…?” Florian asked, a bit incredulously.

“Mhmm.”

Richard sat on the bed, getting comfortable, then patted the space beside him as he gestured for Florian to come over.

“We can study here.”

On the other side of the room was a table that was clearly large enough for the two of them. Yet for some reason Richard chose the bed… Florian supposes he likes to study here instead given how spacious it was. He couldn’t help but feel intimidated and out of place with how organized and clean everything was – a complete contrast to his own dorm room, messy and unkempt just like his own mind right now.

…

…It still hasn’t left his mind.

The thoughts threatened to spill so he subtly shook his head and gingerly took a seat next to Richard, setting his notes beside him. Now he understood why Richard chose to settle here… it was very comfy. So comfy that he’s a little worried he might fall asleep. He adjusted his position and tried to ignore the feeling he got in his chest at their legs almost touching.

“Let’s see… is there anything in particular you’re having difficulty in?” Richard said, taking out a tablet and flipping the screen to the collection of powerpoint slides and files he got from his friends. Wow… he didn’t lie when he said he was going to get them for Florian.

In all honesty, Florian didn’t really have that much of a problem in any of his classes. He was doing alright for the most part; always on time for the deadlines, actively participating, and regularly checking his course outline to read ahead on their future topics. All the while having a part-time job.

Maybe it was too much, but he didn’t want to stop either. Doing good and seeing his high grades as well as getting praised from his professors made him feel good. Actually, he has to be always doing something. He has to distract himself. Because if he didn’t… he’d have to face all these conflicting emotions inside of him. They lie dormant when he’s distracted with other people, and the split second the distraction ends it comes back to the surface at full force.

He points to a slide presentation on a random subject on the tablet, prompting Richard to open it for Florian to read. They start to study, and every few minutes he’d ask a question – despite already sort of knowing the answer to them already – to which Richard would carefully explain, even the ones the sophomore didn’t take a class in.

Whether he retained any information, he didn’t know. All he knows is Richard’s cologne smells nice and he tucks his hair behind his ear quite often while reading. The way he’d lean closer to Florian while explaining, their shoulders touching and his long hair falling to the side. The way he’d lower his voice slightly, making the blonde almost shudder whenever he spoke.

Worst part is, Richard seemed to be aware of what he’s doing.

Florian would nod along as he explained, and while he tried his best not to look at his direction, he could tell he was leering with that signature smile he always does.

Richard was enjoying this, that’s for sure.

Studying… reading… taking notes…

Notes.

…

Here he was, acting all cozy towards a friend.

What would he say if he saw Florian here, studying in Richard’s bed, with Richard so close to him? Would he be mad, upset? Would he feel betrayed?

He felt ashamed.

This is wrong.

This is wrong this is wrong this is wrong

“What’s wrong?”

Florian’s mind snapped back to reality, feeling the tip of a pen poke his cheek.

“You seem distracted.” Richard gave him a look of concern. “You look out of it. What’s on your mind?”

Florian shook his head, forcing a smile as he tried to push away the words that repeated in his mind. “Nothing, it’s… nothing.” he mumbled quietly.

“Are you sure? If we need to take a break, tell me.”

What should he do?

He wanted to tell someone so badly. Would it be too much to ask for consolation from Richard when he has already done so much for him?

While it’s true he made other new friends in his other classes, he could never imagine telling them something so personal. He was known as the person people could come to for help, not the other way around. It was hard to admit but… Richard was the closest person he had currently.

He felt pathetic. The sophomore probably had other friends who are much closer to him. After all, he was quite popular. Although he did make somewhat of a name for himself in his classes, it was nowhere near the same level as Richard’s.

The more he thought about it… he realized there weren't a lot of things he knew about the sophomore. His time with him was limited to their one shared class, and while they do frequently spend their breaks together Richard still had a bunch of other classes he takes. He probably has a lot he’s close with in those. If he’s willing to be this physically close to him, then it’s very likely he did the same to other people too, right?

…Probably. Every interaction they had so far was him being friendly. Those times when Richard would say something that made him blush was just a case of him misinterpreting his words—

“Hey,” Another poke to his cheek. “You’re doing it again.”

Ah, fuck. 

“It’s just…”

Should he tell him?

“Yes?”

“I…”

Florian wanted to tell somebody. Someone he could confide in, about him. But the words wouldn’t come out.

“Go on,” Richard encouraged softly. “You can tell me anything, you know?”

His throat felt dry. He wanted to claw out the words from his mouth but nothing came out. As if something was lodged inside, physically blocking him from speaking.

Florian nearly flinches when Richard’s hands come in contact with his, taking the notes that he had been unintentionally gripping so hard and putting it away. His eye started to sting, as if the words threatened to spill there instead, and then…

For the first time ever since his late partner’s death, his eye began to water.

Ah.

Turning his head away, he tried to stop the tears from falling but it was too late.

Richard reached out an arm to wrap around his waist, pulling him closer. “Hey…” he said quietly. “It’s okay, just let it out.”

Florian found himself leaning against Richard, his body shaking slightly as more tears began to fall. He felt a hand come up to cup his face, gently wiping away his tears.

The world spun around him. It was so humiliating, crying out of nowhere so suddenly when they only came here to focus on studying.

Richard continued to wipe the tears with his thumb, his other hand coming up to wipe the snot with his sleeve. Florian didn’t know what he looked like to the other right now and he doesn’t want to know. It was a miracle that the sophomore didn’t find him appalling in his state, because Florian himself surely did. He did his best to avoid any eye contact, not wanting to see what kind of expression Richard was making at him.

“Look at me,” Richard urged gently, “Take deep breaths, okay?”

He tried to look up, taking deep breaths, but he couldn’t stop his body from shaking.

…

Just what is he doing anymore?

What should he do? Shouldn’t he be thinking about… him, Matthias?

There wasn’t a clear answer, no matter how much he searched in his mind.

The letter.

Matthias.

Richard.

… No. He was moving on far too soon. College and work was what he told himself he was going to focus, nothing else.

Yet, as he told himself these things, he couldn’t stop himself from leaning more into Richard’s touch, moving even closer to him. He wanted to be held by him so badly, to melt in his arms, to tell him everything… because he had been so nice to him, and he wanted more of his attention. 

Before he could think any further, he felt a pair of lips against his own.

Ah.

Everything seemed to freeze for a moment as the words in Florian’s mind repeated over and over.

This is wrong.

But then Richard’s hands moved to his jaw, his touch tender and gentle, and suddenly all Florian could think about was the feeling of Richard’s mouth on his. It felt so wrong… but at the same time, he couldn’t bring himself to pull away. He stubbornly kept his mouth shut as Richard bit his bottom lip.

Richard continued to kiss Florian’s closed mouth, his tongue lightly tracing the soft skin. “C’mon, sunshine…” he murmured between kisses. “Open up for me, will you?”

He wasn’t trying to comfort Florian with his words anymore.

Was this what Florian was scared of when he arrived here? Or was this what he really wanted?

He just wanted someone to be able to tell about… about Matthias. That was it, right? Right…?

…He really was such a terrible person. Here he was, getting kissed by a man, yet thinking about another.

In the back of his mind, he already had a feeling it would come to this. Yet…

One of Richard’s hands moved to tangle his fingers in the blonde’s hair, pulling him closer. Florian was unable to resist, his heart beating wildly in his chest as he struggled to push the other away. 

This was completely new. Back then, when Matthias was still alive, the most they did were chaste kisses on the lips. They never tried to go farther than that… but he supposes it was only because they were too young at the time. Richard, on the other hand… he wondered if he had kissed anyone else like this. He probably did.

“Why are you still crying, sunshine?”

Richard looked faintly concerned as he moved his hands to gently brush away Florian’s tears again, his voice softer than usual. The blonde looked absolutely wrecked, tears still streaming down his face as he sat there, wide-eyed and overwhelmed.

Florian tried to speak, but all that came out was a bunch of sobs. Feeling a heavy weight of shame, he attempts to cover his face with his hands. He hears a soft sigh come from the other male and he was pretty sure if he didn’t find him disgusting before then he surely did now.

The two of them sat there for a while before Richard tried to lightly pry away his hands but he doesn't budge. “Tell me what’s on your mind.” he gave up and asked quietly instead, trying to keep his tone neutral.

“M-Matty…”

“What are you talking about?”

“We promised each other, and now he’s… he’s gone… he hates me,” he didn’t know how to tell him, but the words came out on their own. “I miss him, I miss his laugh, and now, now I can never hear it again, and it’s because of m-me.”

A heavy silence settled again. Though Florian couldn’t see Richard’s face, he appeared deep in thought. Another sigh escaped him. “They say that if you’re missing someone’s touch, you have to replace it with the touch of someone else you like,” he gently went to take a hold of Florian’s wrists again, slowly removing it from his face.

“Can I be that someone?”

Florian continued to sob as he stared up at Richard with a watery eye.

Replace?

He wanted to be loyal to his promise with Matthias. He wanted to be good, to only do what he had set out to do when he first started college. But now here he was, in bed, having another man kiss him… another man who seemed to be aware of his need for attention. That attention he has craved his entire life.

He nodded weakly.

Richard smiled. “Do you want me to kiss you again?”

Something squeezed in his chest, but he couldn’t find the courage to resist. He lets Richard move closer as he pressed their lips together again.

This time, he found himself helplessly responding to Richard’s touch, his lips parting obediently as the other gently pushed him on his back onto the bed. Richard didn’t waste any time, his tongue instantly slipping past Florian’s lips, exploring the inside of his mouth while they continued to adjust their position. Ah. Florian’s body trembled slightly underneath the other man, essentially getting trapped against the comfortable sheets — him stroking the side of his face delicately, his hand tender against the blonde’s skin… it made him feel things he didn’t know he could. He couldn’t help but let out a soft whimper, his hands coming up to clutch the other’s shirt as he responded to the kiss with a mixture of shame and need. 

At this point, Florian’s mind had become blank. The thoughts that overwhelmed his head — now reduced to nothing more than just numbness.

A hand went over on top of his chest. “It’s beating really fast,” Richard said, pausing for a moment, his body hovering over him.

Florian felt the strands of Richard’s long hair tickle his face. He could only stare at the other wordlessly.

“What do you want to do, Florian? Tell me.”

The tears stopped coming, and all he could do was lay there as his arms went limp at his sides.  

“I don’t know.” He faltered, his voice cracking slightly. He wasn’t sure how to explain the emotions that were swirling around inside of him. He was a mess right now, lost and alone and in need of comfort.

An inscrutable expression was on Richard’s face as he stared at him. He shifted his position, and Florian closed his eye, bracing for whatever came next — but nothing happened. Instead, he feels himself get pulled closer, his head resting against the taller man’s chest. A hand runs through his hair, and he unconsciously nuzzles closer.

They stay like that for a while, neither saying a word. 

“I don’t know what’s on your mind,” Richard spoke, breaking the silence, “but you deserve to be happy.”

…

Did he really?

They kissed moments ago. He wanted that, didn’t he? So why does he feel… empty?

What was he expecting when he came here, when he entered that car to go to his house with just the two of them? When they decided to study on his bed? When he had been obviously hitting on the blonde for the past few weeks? If he didn’t want this, then he would have pushed him away all that time ago.

Richard’s fingers moved rhythmically through his hair, a slight comfort as he patiently waited for him to speak. He didn’t know what to say or think, and he feared having those thoughts overwhelm him again so he tried to think of something to change the topic. 

He thinks back on the house — as lavish as everything looked, it felt empty. “Doesn’t it get… lonely here? Here in this large house, living by yourself…”

Richard chuckled faintly, almost sounding amused. “Sometimes, yes.” He gently traced Florian’s face with his fingers as he spoke. “After my sister left, I’ve lived alone in this house for as long as I can remember. It felt a bit lonely at first — but as time goes on, you learn to get used to it. You learn to live by yourself, without the need for others.”

It was a complete contrast to Florian, who couldn’t live without the acknowledgement of others. Having lost his parents at a young age, he’d been by himself all these years. The only thing he ever lived by was through the praises of others. He needed to be told he was doing a good job all the time.

It was also a surprise to hear that Richard had a sister, having thought he’d been an only child all this time like him. He couldn’t help but ask, “What happened to your sister?”

“She died.” 

“Oh.” Florian regretted asking. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he said. “I’m more than happy on my own, darling.” 

There was a strange detachment in his tone… or maybe Florian was just imagining things. Perhaps it was also his own strange way of coping.

“Well, I did also used to have pets to keep me company too.”

“...What happened to them?”

“They all died.”

Florian let out a gasp as Richard pulled him even closer, his body freezing up at the unexpected action.

The answer to his question, however, was quite grim.

“The first time I got a pet bunny, I was so happy. I’ve always wanted one as a kid, since they looked so cute,” he pauses to look at Florian, who was wide-eyed and speechless. “It died not shortly after, so I got another one. That one died too.” 

For some reason, Florian felt a wave of worry and uneasiness at Richard’s words, his body tensing up slightly. 

He was suddenly very aware of how small and fragile he was against Richard’s body.

“I kept replacing it with another one each time it died, hoping to fill the hole that the previous one left in me, but in the end, I didn’t feel anything. In the end, I don’t even know if there was even a hole in the first place.”

Florian didn’t know how to respond.

“That’s why I’ve learned to be alone.”

There was a chilling indifference with the way he spoke… it was almost like they were just toys to him, or something to pass the time. The way Richard described his dead pets made them sound like objects, like things he could just toss aside when he grew bored of them. 

He shivered involuntarily at the thought, feeling a cold sort of fear at Richard’s words. 

…Would Richard ever be tired of him?

Will he be replaced too, once he grows tired of him?

All these thoughts that flooded his mind made him feel scared, but also crave that attention even more. He didn’t want to lose him. Not when… not when he had already lost Matthias—

Matthias.

The thought of Matthias’ name brought a whole other wave of guilt and shame over Florian again. What would Matthias think if he could see Florian right now? In the arms of another man, right after…

The thought made the blonde want to cry again.

He closed his eye, not willing to let the tears fall again, and felt the tiredness overcome him.

“But now that I have you, it’ll never get lonely ever again.”

Florian wanted to say the same but… he was just tired from all the crying. His head was spinning, his mind overrun with all sorts of emotions.

He could feel exhaustion slowly starting to overtake him. He was tired… so, so tired…

Body desperate for warmth, he instinctively pressed closer against Richard. The last thought that went through his mind before sleep completely overtook was one word: 

Cold.

December quickly arrived, and today was the last day of finals.

How long has it been since then? 

Oh yeah. Prelims had already passed, so did midterms, and now finals. Time surely passes by quickly when you’re having fun.

…Though, ‘fun’ has become more synonymous with Richard these past few months.

Whether they had a label, Florian didn’t know. But one thing was for sure: he liked Richard, and Richard liked him. That much was pretty obvious, but Florian didn’t want anyone in the university to find out. Not because he feels embarrassed, if anything he wouldn’t care if the others knew — it was mostly because he knew how popular and well-liked Richard was, and if any of his admirers found out, they surely would not be so happy about it. Despite Richard’s reassurance that he doesn’t mind and that he’d actually rather the others to know, he understands, so for now they kept it as hidden as possible.

Florian sat on the sill of one of the large windows overlooking the outside of the campus. Exams already ended nearly an hour ago, but he still hasn’t moved from his spot. Their professor usually doesn’t allow any students to stay in the room but since he was a good student of hers — and the fact her class was the last one held in this room — she let him. At least until the cleaning staff arrives to lock the classroom.

The sounds of chatter and celebration can be heard from outside the room from the remaining students. He doesn’t join them, resigning to watching the people outside, the number of people slowly dwindling as the minutes pass. Taking out his phone, he unlocks the screen… only to stare at it blankly, so he turns it off again.

Next month, their second semester begins. It also marks the second anniversary of Matthias’ death.

It’s been nearly two years since then.

I remember, when we would have those Christmas parties in school.

You would laugh at me whenever I nearly tripped while I competed with our classmates in those games.

Those scenes replay in his mind, before he was hit with the realization: was that how Matthias' laugh sounded?

…

He felt cold once again, despite wearing a sweater.

Standing up from his spot, he watches the outside world. There were even less people now… maybe it was about time he left.

A pair of arms snake their way around Florian’s waist. He doesn’t bother to look at who they belong to.

“What are you thinking about?”

That voice that he has grown accustomed to so much these past few months spoke. He rests his head on Florian’s shoulder, watching the outside world with him.

“Nothing, just my grades, I guess.”

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll be the highest, you got my help after all.”

“That’s true.”

Some student outside tripped. A few others surrounded them, seemingly laughing at the person. Richard lets out a snort. 

They watch as the group of students leave. Richard nuzzled the crook of his neck then kissed. Florian automatically tilts his head, giving him better access, to which the sophomore takes advantage of effortlessly. He winces when he feels teeth nip his skin — that was definitely going to leave a mark. Not that it hurts, but… it will definitely be seen by the others. He figures it would be alright, since they were going to be on break anyway, letting the other suck on the soft skin.

When Florian felt him pull away, he turns around to face Richard, properly kissing him on the lips this time. 

“You’re done with all your exams?”

“Mhmm,” Richard pulls him closer by the waist. “It’ll be the second semester soon. We should take an elective together.”

An elective together… Florian nearly forgot that they were still in different years with how much they’ve been seeing each other. 

“I’ve already picked one. Your classmates may be mostly second years like me, but it’ll be okay. You’re smart, and you have me anyways.” 

Florian chuckled. “I don’t think you’ll have much time to spend helping me with my classes.”

The sophomore let out an exaggerated, theatrical gasp. “Well, how rude, here I am offering to help you with your coursework, and to think my presence isn’t appreciated…” He gave Florian’s waist a small squeeze, eyes sparkling with feigned hurt.

Being in the same class as his… whatever he and Richard were, did sound nice.

But… isn’t he forgetting something? Something he was thinking about just moments ago?

It had been a while since then. Since Richard first kissed him.

Despite getting blurry, thoughts of him were still there, in the back of his mind. It was an almost cruel irony, when his image had become fuzzy, like a picture that was slowly losing color and detail, the more it was exposed to the sun.

Florian was no closer to figuring out how to deal with his guilt and shame. If anything, he felt even more guilty now that he wasn’t thinking of him as often as before.

There were still so many questions left.

He should be ashamed. But as time passed, he found himself caring less and less about it.

Two years have passed now. There was nothing he could do.

He’s allowed to be happy… right?

Part of him felt torn. Yet, another part of him craved the attention. Part of him craved feeling wanted again.

It’s okay to continue this… this thing they were doing, right?

“Worried they’ll see?”

Florian was pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of Richard’s voice and the feel of his arms still around his waist.

“I guess… yeah.” he says, unable to bring himself to look up and meet Richard’s gaze. He wasn’t wrong, he does worry about that as well.

“How do you always know?”

Richard smiles. It was almost uncanny how easily he could tell if something was on Florian’s mind. “I just do. It’s a gift.”

Somehow, when Florian was in deep thought, Richard seemed to know. It was always startling how the other always had something to say to interrupt his thoughts… kind of eerie, scary even. As if there was nothing he could hide from those mismatched eyes.

At the same time… it also made Florian feel seen. Noticed. Wanted. The fact that Richard knew him that well was both uncomfortable and… oddly comforting.

“It’s not that it bothers me but…” Florian started, unsure, “What about you? You might get caught-”

“I won’t.”

Richard’s words were said with such conviction Florian was almost convinced it was true. “You could,” he insisted, “People could see us. They could tell someone. And then-”

“And then what?” Richard interrupts again. His voice was calm, but Florian could hear the undertone of annoyance in it.

“A lot of people like you so if they see you with me, they might…”

“Might?”

“Say something… about us,” Florian said, his voice getting smaller. He knew how some of the students, particularly Richard’s admirers, would react about him and Richard. He didn’t want to think about it.

His worries seemed to amuse the sophomore. “They won’t,” he said with a voice of certainty, “And even if they tried, so what? They don’t matter.”

Richard’s confidence made him trust his words a bit. Still, they were both popular — Richard more so — and he was worried about the other’s image. He was charming, effortlessly drawing people in with his looks and personality, and he worried what would the others say if they saw him… taken.

“They’ll be upset,”

“You seem to care a lot about what others think.”

“I do. You should too. I care about your reputation, Richard.”

Florian let out a small sigh, not understanding how Richard didn’t seem to get it. 

“People like you. They think you’re amazing, friendly, handsome. That’s why… they wouldn’t like the fact that you’re with me.”

“And you’re not any of those things either?”

Florian was one of the best students of their year. He had good grades, good at studies, and his professors liked him.

But why… why did he always feel so adequate?

“I’m not,” he said quietly. He may be those things, but it wasn’t nearly the same level as Richard’s.

Richard flicked his forehead. “Don’t be silly. What happened to your confidence?”

Florian flinched, letting out a small squeak. “Ow…” he mumbled, rubbing the spot with his hand. “I do have confidence. I just know I’m not as charismatic and likable as you. People might think bad things about you.”

Richard reaches out to place a hand on Florian’s chin, making him face him. “They won’t, love. So stop worrying.”

His mind started going blank again, unable to focus thanks to the hand on his face and he cursed himself for that. Despite his worries, he trusted Richard. Even if he wasn’t entirely convinced, Florian couldn’t help but accept the other’s words.

“Okay,”

Richard’s smile widens. “Good.”

“You’re… you’re an ass for making me want to accept everything you say so easily,” Florian said, half-heartedly.

He hears a chuckle from the other, “You’re so easy.”

Florian wanted to pout at his words but the way he kept his hand on his chin made him distracted.

“Um…”

Richard was making him forget everything. 

He hated how quick his irritation, worries, and anxiety seemed to melt away when the sophomore touched or looked at him. Hated how easy it was for the other to take control of his thoughts.

Richard’s thumb traveled from his chin to his bottom lip and he instinctively opened his mouth, an involuntary shiver running down his spine.  

Richard knew exactly what he was doing, and Florian knew he was letting him do it. He could feel his eyes on him, watching every reaction he had. He hated how his body was so responsive, and how it seemed to crave his touch-

His thumb slipped in further, pressing down on his tongue.

Ah.

This is unfair. Richard was probably doing this to make him shut up, and it was working. He pushed against his tongue, making Florian’s mouth open wider.

It was so, so unfair.

Florian slowly closed his mouth, letting his tongue run over the digit. He didn’t know what he was doing at that moment, his mind and body acting on their own.

The sophomore smirks, watching him lap up his thumb… like some obedient dog. How humiliating… but he couldn’t find it in himself to pull away.

He then felt his thumb brush against his teeth, particularly his sharp canines, and Florian could only helplessly look up at Richard’s eyes.

Richard looks back at him with a smug look. “I would love to know how this feels on me.”

“M-m-...”

He tried to speak up, but the words got stuck in his throat as the mental image Richard had put him filled his head.

Richard was getting a kick out of this, that’s for sure.

The sound of footsteps approaching made the two pause in their tracks. Florian immediately pulled away from the other, face nearly red with embarrassment. 

The door opens to reveal a cleaning staff. “What are you two still doing here? Exams are over.”

Florian turned away to hide his face so Richard spoke up for them. “Yeah, we know. We were just about to leave.” he says casually, as if nothing happened just a few moments prior.

“Alright then hurry up, I’m about to lock the rooms,” The man says, entering the room to start cleaning. 

Florian was quick to grab his bag, heart still pounding in his chest. On the other hand, Richard looked completely undisturbed by the whole thing. The blonde exited the room as soon as possible while Richard followed after him.

“You know, why don’t you stay over at my house on break? We both live alone, might as well spend it together before the next semester starts.” 

Florian fidgeted slightly, adjusting the strap of his bag. Being around Richard during the winter break… it sounded nice, but there was this small, nagging feeling of worry he had.

“But… if people find out we’re spending the break together…”

“Are we really going to have this conversation again? Do you need me to shut you up, again ?”

His mind flashed with the memory of how quickly Richard had shut him up earlier, making the heat return in his face.

“No…” He mumbled weakly, looking down.

He didn’t want to have this argument again. He knew it was pointless, and he knew he’d just lose to Richard.

“It’s a yes then?” Richard said, slinging an arm around the shorter man.

“Yes,” Florian finally said quietly, knowing he wasn’t getting out of this.

The sophomore ruffled his hair. “Alright, let’s get your stuff.” 

“Right now?”

“Why not? I’ll help you carry your stuff to my place.”

The thought of spending days, maybe even weeks, waking up next to Richard made Florian’s heart pound in his chest. The thought was both thrilling and nerve-wracking. 

He could already picture how Richard’s room would look in the morning, the sunlight streaming through the window and illuminating the other man’s body…

…No, don’t go that route. He’d already embarrassed himself enough earlier. 

“Come on, let’s go get your stuff. You can put all of them in the backseat of my car.”

They quickly arrived at Florian’s dorm, the blonde getting quickly embarrassed at how cluttered the place was. His room wasn’t necessarily disorganized, but it certainly didn’t look as good as the sophomore’s spotless room. 

“I’m sorry, it’s a mess,” he muttered, gathering his winter clothes and more essentials.

Richard doesn’t comment, instead deciding to sit in a spotless area and tries to organize a few things before quickly giving up. He picks up a light blue sweater vest off the floor. “Oh, it’s the one you come to class with quite often.”

“Yeah… I wear it a lot,” Florian mumbled in response, turning away and busying himself with the items in his bag.

“I can tell. I should get you a new one,”

Florian paused at what he was doing. “You already buy me a lot of things…”

“And?”

“You don’t need to get me a new one,” Florian insisted, “this one is fine.”

Richard huffed, as if amused by the blonde’s stubbornness. “I only spend my money on things I like, if that’s what you’re concerned about.”

“…Really putting the ‘rich’ in Richard, huh.”

Richard snickered as Florian muttered the last comment, amused by the blonde. “I’m not buying something useless,” he said, “I’m spending my money well. On something,” his eyes slowly raking over Florian’s frame, “I like.”

Even if Florian had his back turned, he could still feel his eyes on him. He nearly shuddered, trying to focus on getting his things, obviously trying to pretend he didn’t feel the other’s gaze on him.

God, he hated the way he made him feel.

As Florian sifted through his things, he left his notes behind seeing as he didn’t need them this time. They were on break after all. He had also called his part-time job off for the meantime to let himself take a breather.

So, really, the only thing he has to worry about is…

Richard.

Florian swallowed, trying to ignore the way his heart was already picking up speed. He was going to be staying over at Richard’s place for almost the entirety of the break.

He’d be… he’d be at the other’s mercy for almost weeks. That thought alone made his knees feel weak.

He gulps, not letting his mind wander off.

As he tried his best to arrange his notebooks neatly in his drawer, he realized something. 

“Shit, where is it?”

Florian started fumbling through his drawers, searching for something. He kept mumbling to himself, as if he hoped that’d make the object miraculously appear.

Richard simply watched with an intrigued look on his face, tilting his head slightly in curiosity.

“What are you looking for?”

“Uh- Richard, did you happen to see a worn notebook around? It was dark brown,”

“I don’t believe I’ve seen anything like that,” he says casually, “Why, is it something important?”

Florian let out a small sound of frustration as he couldn’t find the notebook anywhere.

“It’s very important,” he said, almost frantically, “It’s-“ He let out a shaky sigh, as he began to feel his anxiety growing. ”I can’t find it.”

“The first semester is over, you probably don’t need them anymore anyway,” Richard replied dismissively, “I can buy you a new notebook if you want.”

Florian froze, looking at Richard with disbelief. The other’s nonchalance was getting on his nerves.

The notebook was important. If he’d lost it, or if it was stolen…

“I don’t-“

He wanted to protest, to argue, but his response died in his throat. Even he didn’t know what to say to express how important the notebook was.

Richard went over to his side, placing a hand on his shoulder. Florian turns to him in an instant, frustration clearly in his features but softens at the other’s concerned look. Damn it, why did he always have this effect on him? He couldn’t even properly be mad when Richard was giving him that expression.

The taller man gently pulled him closer to his body, wrapping him in an embrace. “Whatever is in there, forget about it. If it gives you more pain then it’s not worth looking for.”

Florian could only listen as Richard spoke.

His expression was still that of mild concern, his hand still on Florian’s shoulder, and Florian was only reminded again of why it was so hard to resist him.

The thing is, it was important. But he couldn’t tell him why, because… because…

“It’s probably just here somewhere. I’ll help you look for it, okay?” Richard’s hand went over to the sides of Florian’s cheeks as he stared at him directly in the eye. His slender fingers felt cool against Florian’s skin, their touch leaving a soft, tingling feeling.

A part of him wanted to forget about the notebook, but a greater part of him wanted to find it…

He swallowed, not wanting to look away from the other man’s gaze. 

“….okay. Okay.”

An hour nearly passed yet the notebook was still nowhere to be found.

“If it was just sitting here like you claimed, then it’s probably just in this room somewhere,” Richard broke the silence. “And it’s getting darker outside… why don’t we go to my house first instead? We can look for it again once break is over.”

Florian was tired and frustrated. Despite searching several times, the notebook was nowhere to be found. Slowly, he nodded. “Yeah… yeah. We should.”

“I’ll make you your favorite food, how about that? Will that make you feel better?”

Florian couldn’t help a faint smile at that. The thought of getting to eat his favorite food, even if it was slightly childish, was rather comforting.

He nodded meekly, “Yeah… that sounds nice.”

They walked back to where Richard’s car was parked, carrying Florian’s belongings, which wasn’t much considering it was only two bags.

Richard was right… he should just forget about it. 

After all, he deserves to be happy, right? 

At least, that was what Florian convinces himself to believe as he enters the passenger side of the car he has grown so familiar with.