Archive of Our Own ^beta

Dear Pandora,

I'm sorry, I'm a liar. I don't think this will come as too much of a surprise to you, but I went into the cave. Well, I will, after I finish writing this. I know I promised not to, but I had to. It was my only way out, to be honest, the only path in life - or death - for me that would lead to a decent existence, whether it's on this Earth or not. You know I'd rather die than continue living like this. I don't want to become a murderer, except if the murder is the Dark Lord's, and I've come too far to back off from his army.

Please don't think too much about me, don't blame yourself like I know you will. Forget any of this happened, keep out of the war and live a good life. Travel around the world, make great discoveries, write books, plant a garden. Achieve everything you've ever wanted to do in life. Just, once in a while, give me a little thought so I don't get too lonely up there. You were my greatest friend and I'll miss you a lot,

See you on the other side,
R.A.B.

Dear Barty,

You were my favourite asshole on this Earth. If you read this, it means I'm not alive anymore. I know, shocking, I'm dead. Before you start tweaking, I'm writing this before dying, there is no ghost haunting you - or maybe there is, who knows. Be mad at me, for all I care, just don't hate me too much.

I can't really tell you anything about my death, just that I wasn't killed and I didn't kill myself, or maybe you could consider that I am going to be killing myself, but it's more of a sacrifice rather than an abandonment, you know. Not to be dramatic but I will walk into my death with my head held high.

Well anyway, not to get sentimental, but if I see you up there too soon, I'm going to somehow bring you back to life just to kill you again, you bastard. Don't do anything stupid, don't kill anyone, don't get killed, the usual.

See you later,
R.A.B.

Dear Evan,

Chances are, you're reading this after Barty and Pandora got their letter and you already know, but
if you don't, I'm dead. As of writing this I'm not, but I will be in about an hour, maybe two. You once said that you'd only show up to my funeral to bitch about me with Barty, so I'm sorry to tell you that you won't get one. I guess they'll declare me dead in a few days and my name will appear in the newspaper, page 6.

I'm sorry that I've been a shit friend over the last few months. I know I've been distant and not telling you anything, and I know you have your doubts about me. The truth is, I respect you too much to tell you about any of what I was doing. You would hate me if you knew, you would hate me if you knew why I died. Try not to resent me too much, I'm sorry again, but I don't regret anything. Try not to miss me too much blondie.

Adieu,
R.A.B.

Dear Dorcas,

You might hate me right now, but I've never truly hated you. When I stopped talking to you after
the big fight with Barty and Evan, I didn't hate you. When you yelled at me for defending them, I didn't hate you. I've always respected you a lot, Dorcas, you're probably the person I hold the highest in my esteem. I know how powerful you are and I hope you continue to use that power for good.

If you don't already know, I'm dead. Deceased, if you will. I passed away, or rather I will pass away,
as of writing this I'm still alive and breathing, but I will die very soon, sooner than I'd like to.

I'll miss you. I already miss you a lot. I regret saying all those horrible things to you, now that I can
see clearly I take it all back. It was vile of me and I can easily recognise it as a big, big mistake. Just know that I am dying for the good cause, the one you're fighting for. I realized just how fucking stupid I had been a few months ago, and I've been planning something with Pandora ever since. My death will, I hope, be a silent but great contribution to the war. Kind of a redemption of sorts.

I hope you can forgive me one day, I hope you don't remember me as that boy who called you vile things but rather the kid you once were friends with. I know all of these confessions are really out of character for me, but being mere hours away from your own death really makes you realize some things about pride.

I wish you the best in life,
R.A.B.

Dear Walburga and Orion Black,

Can I even call you mother and father anymore, after realizing you'd never been parents to me but the guards of this prison of a family? What hurts the most is that I looked up to you, I really thought that if I did good enough you would one day be proud of me, but that was all a delusion you played into for your own gain, all you wanted was control over me and I was stupid enough to fall for it over and over again.

If you're reading this, I'm already dead. Sorry you don't get to have an heir who's noble and respectable like you've always dreamed. You always said that Sirius was stupid, after he left, but really I was the stupid one. If I had ran with him, away from your clutches, I would still be alive. And not only would I still be alive, but I also would be happy.

This is not a suicide note, not really, I didn't kill myself, but I will do something soon which will result in my inevitable death. All you need to know is that you would disapprove of my actions if you knew. Oh, if only you knew. Anyway, I don't have much to say to you, you don't really matter anymore. Fuck you and all of your fucking rules.

Your house is cursed, by the way.
R.A.B.

Dear James,

I could write an encyclopedia full of the things I wish I told you when I still had you, but it's too late now. I'll be dead in a few hours, and from up there I won't really be able to talk to you. I'm going to try to say the essential parts of it in this letter.

I wish I had said yes when you asked me to run away with you all of those times, I wish I hadn't let fear come between me and freedom - me and you. Just know that I wanted to say yes really badly.

I wish I hadn't told you about the mark. It goes without saying that I regret getting it in the first place, but showing you was a grave error on my part. I could've spent my last months on this Earth with you and I threw away the chance to do that. My death is inevitable, I was never meant to survive this, but I could've at least enjoyed life when I still had it.

You've made me realize so many things, you've helped me in so many ways, and I have been nothing but ungrateful to you for that, and I'm sorry. I wish I could have truly appreciated you while I still could. You've made me discover a whole range of feelings that I didn't even know I could feel, you've made me realize that love wasn't conditional, and that running after my parents' approval was useless, but still I ran and I ran and now my legs are giving out.

I didn't commit suicide, if that's what you're wondering, I commited a sacrifice. A sacrifice that was necessary, in the end, to take down the Dark Lord. I didn't get killed either, nobody is at fault for my death other than myself. I am sitting at my desk back home as I'm writing this, and I am shaking. My death is inevitable, I keep telling myself, but still I shake.

I have a message I need you to give to Dumbledore. I know I've already taken a lot from you, my love, but I need you to do me just one last favour. Tell Dumbledore that Voldemort has Horcruxes, and tell him that one resides with Kreacher, in the house of Black. Tell him to ask Kreacher what happened in that cave. Tell him that despite myself, I'm counting on him and his army to end this war.

Back to you now, James, my Jamie. I missed you, I still miss you. I wish I could take it all back and run back to you, but I can't endanger you even more than you endanger yourself. My time has come anyway. I hope you get to live a long, happy life. I heard you were with Lily now, lucky you. I bet you two will have an amazing life together. I hope you get to get married and build a family like you'd always wanted to. Overall, I wish you all the best in life.

Just, every once in a while, look up at the stars and think about me a little. I'll always be up there looking out for you. I loved you with all my heart.

Yours,
R.A.B.

Dear Sirius,

Out of all the things I've ever done, not coming with you when you asked me to was my biggest mistake. If I had ran away with you instead of holding onto what I knew so hard, I wouldn't have ended up here, hunched over my desk, writing letters to everyone I've ever loved to let them know I died.

I'm only really writing to you to tell you, when you'll read this - if you even read this, you might just set fire to it like all of my other letters - I'll be dead. Not out of sadness, I didn't kill myself, or in a way I did, but not really. Not by murder, no one is after me, but I am after someone. That someone is the Dark Lord, and my death will be, I hope, a key part in his downfall. I hope he joins me up there very soon. I'm counting on you for that.

I hope you can find it in your heart, someday, to forgive me.

I'm sorry.
R.A.B.

Dear Kreacher, thank you for everything, you've been a light in the darkness of this house. Keep on being loyal, my friend.

R.A.B.