Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Erika Henningsen as Rosie Rabbit

Bob Hoskins as Eddie Valiant

Hollywood, 1947.

The streets were crowded, the music was blasting in the clubs, Hollywood is the kind of place that'll eat you, chew you up, and then spit you back out if you're ain't careful. It can get pretty chaotic trying to settle down in a busy city, between all of the noise, the people, the traffic, the expensive bills and rent.

But I suppose there's one upside about it alll...It's that all the children and adults sat down in front of the television to watch the number one hit show.

Maroon Cartoons: Starring Rosie Rabbit and Baby Herman.

A cute baby boy with big blue eyes, rosy cheeks, and a bow on his single strand of blonde hair is happily playing in his playpen holding a bottle. His mother walked up to him and patted him on the head.

"Mommy's going to the beauty parlor, darling. But don't worry, I'm leaving you with the care your favorite friend, Rosie." The woman walked over to where a female white rabbit curled up on a pillow. 

She has a Bugs Bunny-like head, big sapphire eyes, tuft of red curly hair, she wears a blue bow with yellow polka dots tied around her ears, and neck, a pink nose, round-tipped ears, a yellow shirt with red overall pants and yellow gloves.

"She is going to take very good care of you. Because if she doesn't..." the mother then said very sternly as she pointed to Rosie's nose.

"SHE’S GOING BACK TO THE PETTING ZOO!”

The rabbit gulps nervously, pulling her finger away. "P-p-please! Don't worry ma’am, He's in good hands! I'll take care of him like he was my own brother. I mean, my own sister--" The rabbit was cut off when the mother slammed the door in her face. "Ouch! Or my sister's brother. Or my second cousin. Or a ninth cousin..." As the rabbit kept talking, Baby Herman noticed something in the kitchen….

A jar of cookies.

"Cookie!” he cooed as he tipped over the playpen and made his way to the kitchen. Back to Rosie, she was still listing family members. "...Or like my 17th cousin, who is 156 times removed from any side!" After she finished, she saw the crib empty and the baby in the kitchen, climbing up the drawers.

Rosie screamed in panic, her eyes popping out of her eyes. "No! I'll save you, little Herman!" she yelled, running into the kitchen.

"Cookie," the baby cooed and knocked over a rolling pin. "Don't burn yourself, Baby Herman!" the rabbit said as she accidentally stepped on the rolling pin and rolled around the kitchen, screaming.

As she rolled around the room, the baby knocked a teapot on her head. "Ow! Hey, who turned out the lights? Oh, it's dark in here! Don't they pay the electricity?"

Baby Herman then kicked open the oven just as Rosie rolled in and closed the door. The baby then used his foot unintentionally to turn the oven to 'Volcano Heat'.

"It's okay, baby! I got you!"

Baby Herman crawled across some plates in the sink. His face slipped under the water but he lifted it up and accidentally turns on the tap and water starts spilling onto the floor. The soap also falls down to the floor. The oven sign turns to 'well done' and Rosie bursts out running around the kitchen, trailing smoke and screaming aloud.

"I'm on fire! I'm on fire! Somebody call da fire department!" 

She then slips on the soap and shoots into the air while the soap flies across the kitchen and ricochets off the door handle and hits Baby Herman, flinging him up to the clock pendulum.

The white rabbit falls back down and slides across the kitchen, and ends up with her fingers in the power supply, getting zapped. In trying to escape, she head-butts the wall with the teapot and dislodges a shelf that has all the pots and pans falling on her head. As she lies in pain, a bottle of hot sauce falls into the sprout of the teapot, making Rosie guzzle it.

"Cookie!" Baby Herman cooed from the clock. Rosie, with her head on fire by the hot sauce shoots out of the teapot and across the kitchen, only to end up with an ironing board in her mouth, which folds up into the wall.

Baby Herman swings from the clock to a shelf, which falls down on top of a box on the shelf, catapulting a box of knives through the air. The baby lands on a plunger and bounces up to the fridge. The plunger flies through the air and lodges itself in a toaster, which then falls over. Rosie bursts out of the fold-up ironing board.

"I'm here, Bab-AAAAAAAHHHH!" she screamed when she saw the knives flying towards her, which, luckily, lodge themselves in the wall around her. One barely missed the top of her head and a meat-cleaver hits the wall between her legs. 

She's sighs in relief as they missed. Then a toaster fires the plunger at the white rabbit and sticks to her face. Baby Herman  landed on a stack of sliced bread next to the jar of cookies. He tries to reach inside the jar, but the bread slices keep falling out, making the task a little bit difficult.

As she struggles to get the plunger off her face, Rosie ends up flying across the kitchen and removes it in mid-air. Her momentary pleasure is forgotten as she crashes into a vacuum cleaner, which then begins to pump her full of air. 

When she looks more like a balloon, she starts to deflate, flying across the kitchen breaking crockery and eventually hitting the fridge, lodging her head underneath.

As she struggles to get free she disorients Baby Herman, who falls from the top of the fridge with his cookie, and lands on Rosie's stomach. Rosie then lifts the fridge from her head with all her strength.

"Yay! Cookie!" Baby Herman cried happily as he held up his cookie. Seeing that the baby's safe, Rosie holds the child in her hand. She suddenly realizes there is an unsupported fridge above her head that proves the law of gravity. The fridge door opens to reveal Rosie with birds flying around her head.

"CUT!" the director shouted, ending all filming. "Cut, cut, cut, cut!" Raoul, the director repeated as he walked onto the art and slammed the script on the floor.

"Aw C'mon! What the hell was wrong with that take!?" Baby Herman screeched, revealing he had the voice of a forty year old chain smoker and not a cutesy baby one.

"Nothing, Baby Herman, you were great! You were perfect! You were better than perfect," Raoul reassured him, then scolded the rabbit toon. "It's Rosie! She keeps messing up her lines!" He then grabbed one of circling birds around her. 

"Rosie, what is this?"

"A tweeting bird?" Rosie answered nervously.

"A tweeting bird," Raoul mocked her, then shoved the script in her face. "Read the script: Rabbit gets clunked. Rabbit sees stars.' Not birds, stars!" 

Ring!

"That's lunch, we're on in half!" Someone shouted in the background.

It didn't take long for Baby Herman to erupt in anger and stomped off. "That's it! I'll be in my trailer! It's way past my nap time!" Raoul shouted demands to the film crew before he stomped away too. "P-Please, Raoul!" Rosie pleaded, rushing after Raoul. "I-I can give ya stars! Give me another chance! I just haven't been feeling well lately!"

"No Rosie, I dropped it on your head twenty- three times already." Raoul protested. "Look just take break for a while, kay?" 

Rosie grabbed onto his coat sleeve. "Oh c'mon I can take it, don't worry about me!" As Rosie followed him, she bangs her head with a frying pan trying to convince Raoul that she could give him stars. As she was doing this, a burly looking man wearing a fedora and a pinstripe suit, watched the scene and let out a scoff.

"Toons." Taking a swig of his alcoholic drink.

Meet our protagonist Edward Valiant, usually goes by ‘Eddie’ And let me tell you...

He. Hates. Toons.

Chapter Text

Joanna Cassidy as Dolores 

Alan Tilvern as R.K. Maroon

"Mr. Maroon, Mr. Valiant is here to--" The secretary was cut off when R.K. Maroon raised his hand to silence her.  

"He'll be right with you." The secretary said before she left, closing the office doors behind him. Mr Valient walked in and quietly explored the room.

R.K. was standing behind his editor watching a film through a film. "No, no, NO!" Maroon scolded. "Wait until she gets to her feet, and then hit her with the boulder."

"Right R.K.!" The assistant said, gathering the film and left. Maroon sighed turned to the detective, looking stiff and serious. "How much do you know about show business, Mr. Valiant?"

"Only there's no business like it. No business I know."

"Yeah, and there's no business more expensive!" Maroon said, walking toward him. "Anyway, I'm 25 grand over budget on the latest Baby Herman cartoon. You saw the rabbit blowin' her lines, lately she can't seem to keep her mind on her work, you know why?

"Too many refrigerators dropped on her head?" Eddie guessed sarcastically.

"Nah, she's a toon. You can drop anything on her head she'll shake it off." Maroon rebutted. "But break her heart....well you know the saying: Hell hath no fury like a rabbit scorned." He flourished a newspaper from his pocket and hands it to Eddie, "Read this."

Eddie unfolded the paper and began to read the headline out loud.

"Seen cooing over calamari with not－so－new beau was Jesse Rabbit, husband of maroon cartoons star Rosie."

He then turned to the cartoonist. "What's this got to do with me?"

"You're the private detective," Maroon stated as if it wasn't already obvious. "You figure it out."

"Look, I don't have time for this." Eddie handed the paper back and began to leave, but Maroon grabbed his shoulder halting him.

"Look, Valiant. The guy is poison, but to her he's Tom Cruise. I want you to follow him. Get me a couple of nice, juicy pictures I can wise the rabbit up with."

"Are you kidding?" Eddie asked with disbelief. "Forget it, I don't work for Toontown."

"What's wrong with Toontown?" Maroon asks. "Every Joe loves Toontown."

"Then get Joe to do the job, because I ain't going!" Eddie protested.

"Whoa, easy fella," Maroon held his hands up in a defensive manner, "You don't wanna go to Toon-Town, you don't have to go to Toon-Town. Nobody said you had to go to Toon Town anyway!" R.K forced Eddie down in his seat across from his desk, "The rabbit's husband sings at a joint called the Ink and Paint Club. Toon Revue, strictly humans only, okay? So what do you say?"

Eddie doesn't respond right away, then his eyes spotted a shelf of his private liquor behind Maroon's desk. "Well?" R.K leaned forward, demanding an answer. 

Eddie stood up and walked behind his desk. "The job's gonna cost ya 100 bucks, plus expenses."

"100 bucks!?" Maroon shot from his seat. "That's ridiculous."

"Yeah? So's the job." Eddie told him, coming with a flask of liquor and cup.

"Alright, alright," Maroon tried to settle him. "You got your 100 bucks, Have a drink, Eddie." Eddie glanced at him, then poured himself a drink. "Heh, don't mind if I do."

All of a sudden there was a commotion outside the studio. The older guys peeked through the blinds to a couple of guys drop a crate and toon instruments fell out, playing band music while the group struggled to put them back. When they turned around all of a sudden, a huge figure with blue eyes appeared causing Eddie to scream.

Marroon chuckled at his reaction.

"Kind of jumpy, aren't ya?" Maroon asked. "It's just Dumbo. I got him on loan from Disney, him and half the cast of Fantasia." He explained and pulls the blinds up. "The best part is they work for peanuts." Maroon throws a handful of peanuts at Dumbo who catches it with his trunk and flies away.

"Well, I don't work for peanuts." Eddie shook his head, showing the check Maroon wrote for him. "Where's the other $50?"

"Let's call the other $50 a carrot to finish the job," Maroon chuckled.

"You've been hanging around rabbits too long." Eddie commented, rolling his eyes. With that, he left Maroon's office. The outside of his office was filled with humans and all kinds of various toons. Some characters you might recognize.

There were indeed Fantasia characters, such as ballerina ostriches and the brooms from the Sorcerer's Apprentice. A toon pelican riding on a bicycle rode past Eddie and crashed. A ballerina hippo seemed very concerned about what was going on, nearly leaning on the human.

She then noticed Eddie and backed up. "Oh, pardon me."

Eddie kept walking and passed some auditioning cows. There then came a the ringing bell of a red trolley. He runs across the street to catch it, the conductor was about to close the door when he arrived. Eddie took out his check for the man, nearly closing the doors on him.

"What do I look like, a bank?" the man snapped, shutting the door in his face. The trolley's bell tolled and started to drive off, the n he gets an idea and hopped onto the back of the trolley with a couple of street children, with another rushing for the trolley.

"Hey mister, ain't ya got a car?" one of the boys asked as he took out a cigarette.

"Who needs a car in LA? We got the best public transportation system in the world!"

After leaving R.K Marroon's office, and checking the mail, which he didn't hesitate to throw away as it was mostly bills. The private detective made his way to the bar. He walked in and saw a lot of men either shooting pool, sitting together with raunchy conversation, or drinking on a stool to drown their sorrows in the crazy world they live in.

"Hi Harry, you okay?" Eddie greeted one of the bar flies.

"How ya doin' Eddie." Harry, spoke back, briefly. Eddie spotted an officer and placed his cap back on his head, looking dead drunk. "Hey what's with Earl?"

As Eddie sat down, one of the customers wrote a note and showed it to them.

"Laid off?"

"Yep. A new outfit bought the Red Car." A black man explained. "Some big company called Cloverleaf."

"They bought the Red Car?" Eddie asks.

"Yeah, put the poor guy on two weeks' notice." The guy replied. "Cutbacks, they said."

Eddie sighs, feeling rather sorry for Earl. "Oh well..." He raised his glass. "Here's to the pencil pushers. May they all get lead poisoning." As Eddie took a sip of his drink, but a red fingernail hand covered the top of his glass. Eddie looked up to see a woman with black hair wearing a black dress with tiny yellow polka dots, and sunflower earrings.

“Eddie…” She was looking at him angrily.

"Dolores, sweetheart.." Eddie greeted calmly and casually. 

"Tomorrow's Friday, Eddie, you know what happens here on Friday?" She asked. 

"Uh, Fish special?" Eddie shrugged.

"My boss checks the books on Friday," Dolores hissed and swiped the shot glass from him. "If I don't have that money I gave you back in the till, I'm gonna lose my job."

"Don't bust a button, Dolores. You only got one left." Eddie assured, holding the check in front of her.

"50 bucks?"

“Yep!” Eddie nodded.

"Where's the rest of it?” She demanded.

"Well, this is only a snoop job away," Eddie answered. "Hey, have you got that camera of yours? Mine's in the shop."

"Wouldn't be the pawn shop by any chance, would it?" Dolores scoffed.

"Aw, come on, Dolores. You need the other $50, we need the camera."

"Alright, hold on a second." Dolores put some things up behind the bar table, and came back with her camera.

"Any film in there?" Eddie asked.

"Should be. I haven't had that roll developed since our trip to Catalina." Dolores said.

"Yeah, That sure was a long time ago." Dolores sighed solemnly, washing some dishes. "Yeah, that was a long time ago."

Eddie remarked. "We'll have to do that again sometime."

"Yeah, sure, Eddie..." Dolores sounded disappointed in that statement. She then grabbed the utensils, plates, and glasses as another trolley passed and shook the bar.

Delores sighed tirelessly and looked back at Eddie with a frown. "By the way Eddie, Is this check even any good?"

Eddie handed her the check. "Yeah, Check the script."

Delores looked at the check and had a surprise look on her. "R.K. Maroon? As in Maroon Cartoons?" She asked.

“Maroon Cartoons?" A new voice chimed in. "Hey, so who's your client, Mr. Detective To The Stars? Chilly Willy? Or Screwy Squirrel?"

"What do you want to drink?" Delores asked him.

"I'll take a beer, doll." The man said as he sat down next to Eddie. "So what happened huh? Someone kidnap Dinky Doodle?" He mocked.

"Cut it out, Angelo." Delores warned. Eddie tried to ignore the guy, but clearly it wasn't working.

"Oh wait a minute, wait a minute," Angelo continued. "Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep, and you're gonna help her find him." He then started to laugh. 

'That's it!' The detective thought angrily, feeling his blood boiling. In the blink of an eye, Eddie kick the stool from underneath Angelo and made the teasing man fall to his knees on the floor.

Eddie grabbed Angelo by the face in a near choke hold and shoved a hard-shelled egg into his mouth to choke him. "Get this through your head," Eddie's voice dripped with venom. "I. Don't. Work. For Toons!" He grabbed a boiled egg and shoved it in his face. When he was done he exited the bar.

"Jesus, what the hell is his problem?" Angelo asked.

Delores stared sadly as he left. "A toon killed his little brother."

The patrons turned to her with curious and widened eyed looks. "Dropped a piano on his head."

Chapter Text

Margot Robbie as Minerva Acme

Josh Keaton as Jesse Rabbit

Mae Questel as Betty Boop

Later, that night, Eddie went into the dark alley of Hollywood to find the Ink and Paint Club that Maroon told him about. He knocked on the door and waited for an answer.

A red eye came out and looked down at him. "Got the password?"

"Walt sent me." Eddie replied.

The latch closed with a thump. The door opens and they go in, seeing a toon gorilla wearing a jacket and shirt. He lets Eddie inside. 

"Nice monkey suit." Eddie commented.

The ape growled. "Wise ass..."

Eddie descended inside the club and the doors opened. People were laughing at Donald Duck and Daffy Duck who were both playing the piano. Toon penguins were walking around carrying plates. It wasn't long before Daffy and Donald started arguing.

"Hey, hey, cut it out!" Donald snapped.

"Does anybody understand what this duck is saying?" Daffy asked the audience. "I've worked with a lot of wise-quackers, but you are despicable!"

"Doggone stubborn little nitwit! That does it, quack!"

"Yeesh, and they say I have a temper." Eddie muttered as he took a seat. 

"This is the last time I work...with someone with a speech impediment!" Daffy declared.

"Oh yeah!?" Donald demanded as he grabbed Daffy and closed the piano lid on Daffy hard.

"This means war.” Daffy moaned as Donald continued playing. Meanwhile, next to Eddie's table, an older woman with blonde curly hair, wearing a hot pink dress and pearls around her neck squirted ink on Eddie's shirt. Eddie's eyes widened at the ink stain as the lady started giggling.

"What? You think that's funny?" Eddie demanded.

"Oh, it's a panic!" the lady continued laughing.

Eddie grabbed the woman by her forearm pulling her up her feet. "You won't think it's funny when I stick that pen up your nose, lady!"

"Now, calm down, puddin, look the stain's gone. It's disappearing ink!" He looked to see the stain vanished like magic. "No hard feelings, I hope. Look, I'm--" She was about to introduce herself.

"I know who you are Miss," Eddie cut her off. "Minerva Acme, your late husband was Marvin Acme, the Gag King. You’re the current owner of Toon Town, right?”

Minerva nodded proudly, "You got it puddin' If it's Acme, it's a gasser!" She held out her hand. "Put it there." She shakes Eddie's hand only to get buzzed. "The hand buzzer, It's still our biggest seller!” She laughed.

Eddie groaned and sat back down. A waiter came up and cleaned up his table to take his order. "Scotch on the rocks." Eddie placed his order. The penguin nodded, then walked off. "AND I MEAN ICE!" Eddie added.

The detective then continued to watch Donald and Daffy perform their crazy performance. Donald played both pianos with his feet and hands. Then Daffy punched Donald, causing him to land inside the white piano.

Daffy played the keys madly; unaware that Donald was getting ready to fire cannon from behind. Grinning devilishly, Donald fired with a kaboom! A hole is created in the black piano and Daffy is knocked down. The act ends with Daffy whooping as he and Donald are pulled away.

Minerva laughed and applauded along with the audience. "Those ducks are hilarious. They can never finish an act!" She cackled.

"Right..." Eddie rolled his eyes then took his drink once the waiter came back. "Thanks." he was about to drink, but he saw that his scotch had actual rocks in it instead of ice cubes.

"Freaking toons..." he muttered. 

"Cigars? Cigarettes?" a voice said, offering, then gasps softly. "Why is that you Eddie Valiant?”

Eddie turned to see a petite, black and white toon woman with short curly raven hair. She wore a strapless black dress and heels.

Eddie's eyebrows raised in surprise. “Betty?” 

Yep, that's right. The Betty Boop herself. And she still looks good after the 30's cartoons stopped showing black and grey.

"Long time no see." Betty remarked, winking at him setting down the tray she was holding.

"What're you doing here?" He asked. 

"Work's been kinda slow since cartoons went to color, but I still got it, Eddie." she then did her infamous catchphrase. "Boop boop be-doop boop!"

"Yeah, you still got it." Eddie smiled. Betty then placed a hand on his arm, smiling sympathetically. "I'm so sorry about your brother, Eddie. He was a real sweetheart.”

Eddie smiled sadly, patting her hand. “Thanks Betts. Teddy would have loved to hear that.”

Even though he hated toons, Betty Boop was alright with him. Back when his brother Teddy was still alive, he and Eddie were once called on a case that involved a Betty Boop being stalked by an old boyfriend of hers. Betty was so scared that she didn’t felt safe stepping outside, Teddy stayed and reassured her that everything would be alright.

Just then, the lights dimmed and all the women in the club rushed towards the stage and started clapping and whistling. Especially Ms Acme, who began fixing up her hair and dress to make her boobs look perky, she takes out a bottle of perfume from her purse and sprayed herself with it.

"What's got Acme's tail in a twist?" Eddie asked Betty.

"Ms. Acme never misses a night when Jesse performs." Betty explained.

"Old broad must got a thing for rabbits, huh?" Eddie joked. “Is he really that good looking?” This just made the 30's toon chuckled in amusement, placing a hand on her hip. "You've never actually seen her husband, have you, Eddie...?” Betty asked.

"No not really, why?"

She didn't answer his question as everyone grew quiet for the so called “infamous” toon star. 

“I got plenty money in 1922...”

A gloved hand peeked out from behind the velvet curtain and unraveled itself, revealing the most handsome man-Toon- on stage. Eddie sat there eyes widened and dumbstruck.

Now he was starting to understand why all the ladies drooled over this guy.

He was a very handsome toon with short red hair that covers his right eye, dark green eyes, and a beauty mark on hid right cheek. He wore a sparkly red suit with lavender gloves. His suit jacket and vest were opened and the first three buttons of his white collared shirt were undone, giving the audience a view of his muscular upper body.

All the female club members squealed and purred as the man fully unveiled himself. "You let other rich men make a fool of you, Why don't you do right? Like some other gals do."

He was certainly not what the private detective was expecting. From his name he was expecting a toon of the same caliber.

Oh, how he was mistaken.

“Let’s get outta here. I got some money for you." Jesse walked towards the other side of the stage and knelt down to one of the women, who stared at him with lust in her eyes and gently puts a dollar bill in her mouth and walks off.

"That guy is married to Rosie Rabbit?" Eddie asked incredulously to Betty Boop, who sighed dreamily and nodded. "Yeah, what a lucky guy." Betty closed Eddie's gaping mouth and goes back to work.

All eyes were locked on Jesse as he strutted on the catwalk purring into the microphone.

“You're sittin' there and wonderin' what it's all about. If you ain't got no money, they will put you out.” He stepped down from the stage walking towards the table closest to him. “Why don't you do right, like some other gals do? He went towards a young woman and takes her hand kissing it.

He sang the next part.

He shook his head snapping out of it.

"Alright, time to go to work."

After the performance, Minerva knocks on the door of Jesse's dressing room, holding a bouquet of red roses and a bottle of champagne.

"Who is it?" Jesse’s voice asked from the inside.

"Jesse dear, your puddin’ is here!" Minerva laughed as she opened the door and goes inside the room.

Once the door is closed, Eddie comes out of hiding and goes near it to listen into their conversation. Minerva compliments Jesse’s performance and whatnot. Eddie knelt down and tried peeking in through the keyhole. As he was doing so, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see Bongo the gorilla glaring at him.

"What do you think you're doing, chump?" Bongo snarled.

"Who you calling a chump? Chimp?" Eddie retorted.

Next thing Eddie knew, he was being carried out of the club by Bongo, and tossed towards the trash cans in the alley. "And don't let me catch you peeping your face around here again!" Bongo threatened, and shut the door closed.

"OOGA-BOOGA!" Eddie shouted, scratching under his arm like an ape. Just as he was about to leave, he saw a window with dim lighting. He also hears some familiar voices from inside. Eddie made his way to the window, but it was a bit high. Luckily Eddie found a small crate to stand on so he could see into the room and listen to what Jesse and Acme were saying.

"Come, my dear Jesse. I've got everything arranged right here on the bed."

"Oh, geez, not tonight Minnie. I have a bit of a headache." Jesse complained.

"But puddin, you promised." Minerva pouted.

"Oh, alright." Jesse sighed. "But can you at least take off that hand buzzer."

Eddie readied the camera and began snapping pictures. He continued to take more until he started to hear moaning and screaming. "Oh, oh Jesse...!"

"Patty Cake!"

"Ah, ah, Jesse..!"

"Patty Cake!"

"You got to be kidding me.” Eddie said in disbelief as he continued watching the scene.

"PATTY-CAKE! PATTY-CAKE! I don't believe it!” Rosie sobbed as she shakes the window blinds in R.K. Maroon's office. At Maroon's office, Rosie had just been informed that her husband cheated on her with Minerva Acme by playing patty cake.

And just as they predicted....She wasn't happy.

"Patty-Cake, Patty-Cake!?" Rosie sobbed, banging her face on the desk. "I don't believe it! Please tell me it isn’t true?” 

"Come now dear, don't cry. It'll be alright,” Maroon said, trying to comfort Rosie. "You're not the first woman who’s husband cheated on her."

He offered her a hanky, the white rabbit continued to cry her little eyes out and blew her nose on the hanky. "I just don't believe it. I won't believe it, I can't believe it, I shan't believe it."

"Believe it, kid," Eddie slapped the photos down for her to see. "I took the pictures myself. He played patty cake."

Rosie looks through the pictures of her husband literally playing patty-cake with Ms Acme. "Oh, not my sweet Jesse." She started flipping through the pictures. "Not patty-cake. This is impossible. I can't believe! It can't be! It just can't be! Jesse’s my husband!” she exclaimed, it was truly a horrible sight for the poor rabbit toon to find out that her lifetime partner was having an affair.

“THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE IT CAN’T BE! IT’S ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE!!”

She quickly faced the men, dropping the pictures on the floor. "He's the light of my life, the apple of my eye, the cream in my coffee..." She whimpered.

"Well I guess you better start drinkin' it black, cuz Acme's takin' the cream now." Eddie remarked.

"Mr Valiant please," Maroon hardened his gaze at him. "Hard to believe, Minerva's been my neighbor for 30 years. Who would've thought she was a Cougar?" Maroon offered her a drink but she politely declined. She not much of a drinker, and even if she was she literally couldn't.

Eddie sighed tirelessly, Now as much as it pains him to see a brokenhearted lady in this state, he was still wanted his half of the deal. "Look, Mr. Maroon. I think our work here is finished. How 'bout that carrot you owe me, huh?"

Maroon nodded in agreement and handed Eddie a check of the other $50. "A deal's a deal."

"Thanks." Eddie took the check. Maroon came to the toon rubbing her back. "Come now Rosie, I know this all seems pretty painful now, but you'll find someone new. Won't she, Mr. Valiant?"

"Sure." Eddie said. "A cute little thing like her? The fellas will be breakin' her door down in no time." 

"Fellas…?…..FELLAS!?"

Rosie sprung up, an angry expression on her face. She grabbed Eddie by the collar and pushed him against the desk shaking him harshly. "Listen here bub, My Jesse's the only one for me, you'll see! We'll rise above this piddling peccadillo! We're gonna be happy again, you hear me? Happy!” Rosie declared.

“Rosie calm yourself!” Maroon tried to pry the raging toon off of Eddie. Just then there was a knock on Maroon's door and a female toon bunny entered. "Uh, pardon me?" The female bunny has tan fur, blonde bangs, and wears a yellow dress suit with purple rubber band on both ears tied like a ponytail, which may also hint that she is a lop rabbit. 

R.K. Maroon's face softened once he recognized the toon. "Ah, Ms. Lola. Thanks for answering my call. Can you be a dear and please escort Rosie home?" He asked.

"Of course sir,” Lola nodded and escorted Rosie out the office, who started crying her eyes out once more. Eddie coughed and straightened him out. "Damn, that rabbit’s got a grip." 

“What did you expect? Can’t blame her for being upset,” Maroon shrugged. He then goes towards the cabinet where he keeps his liquor and pours himself a drink. “With her husband’s infidelity, not to mention with her condition and all.” 

“Condition, what condition?” Eddie looked at the cartoon producer confused.

“What? You couldn’t tell?” Maroon laughed, glancing behind his shoulder at the detective. “She’s—” Before he could say anything, a telephone rang in his office. “Ah jesus, hold that thought.” He picks up the phone and answers.

“Hello?…What do you mean? Are you kidding me!? No, no! Do you know how much Ive spent on those tickets!? You better—you know what, forget it!” He slammed the phone down angrily, growling. 

“All of the stupid…Now, what was I saying…” he turned around to face Eddie, but look to he was gone. “Mr Valiant?”

At Eddies apartment; which was just a little office with a drop-down bed, a bathroom, and a workable kitchen. Eddie sat at his workspace and looks through some old photos. While looking at a few photos, he smiled of seeing a few pictures of him and Delores. One was them sitting together under an umbrella, one of him playing a small prank on Delores while sleeping, and another one of Eddie wrapping an arm around Delores.

Eddie laughed at a few more photos until his smile broke when he found a picture of him and his brother Teddy playing ukulele's.

Eddie looked down at picture with a small frown. Each day he misses his brother. It was as if a piece of him died alongside him that day.

"Sweet dreams Teddy." Eddie whispered, still staring at the photo. It wasn't until he fell asleep on his desk.

Chapter Text

It was early morning, Eddie was lying side face down on his desk with a bottle of Vodka in his hands. Then someone entered the office, and walked behind Eddie. The guy took the empty bottle from Eddie's hand, picked up a trashcan in the other hand, and tossed the bottle in a loud noise.

Eddie jolted awake and jumped again when the trashcan was put down. "Oh, Lieutenant Santino." Eddie looked sharp at the new man in the office. "Where'd you come from?"

"Aw jesus, Eddie, if you needed money so bad, why didn't you come to me?" Santino asked, seeing the photographs between Acme and Jesse.

"So I took a couple of dirty pictures, so shoot me." Eddie shrugged, pouring himself another glass of alcohol.

Santino straightened his coat. "Yeah well, I already got a stiff neck on my hands, thank you." Santino answered.

"What do you mean?" Eddie asked.

"It’s Ms Acme…she’s dead." Santino confirmed. "The rabbit cacked her last night."

"…What?…”

Santino and Eddie arrived at the Acme Factory. Police cars were everywhere around the factory. Sirens blaring, and investigators roaming around. The two of them made their way toward the factory, but Eddie stopped and looked at something afar.

"Now what?" Santino asked annoyed.

"Nothing, It's been a while since I've been this close to Toon Town." Eddie said staring off to the Toon city.

Suddenly, the sound of a missile could be heard, the guys looked up and saw something shot out of the city leaving behind a trail of smoke. There came out Yosemite Sam with his butt on fire. "OH! MY BISCUITS ARE BURNIN'!" Yosemite exclaimed, bouncing in circles. "FIRE IN THE HATCH! GREEN HORNY TOADS THAT SMARTS!" 

Sam placed his butt in a puddle and cooled down instantly. "Ahhh...~” 

"Come on, let's get this over with." Santino told  Eddie and they both went inside Acme's old factory. "He's with me." he told the security guard as they walked inside the place. Eddie looks to see a safe had been dropped on a chalk outline, even some of the cops were upstairs speaking to Jesse Rabbit in Acme's office.

"Hey Chisel, get a load of this." One of the cops said picking up a toon stick of TNT. Another cop found a black, round, rubber like object. "Ya ever seen one of these?" The cop threw it at the wall, then put his arm through it. The two cops laughed thinking it was funny.

"Hey, guys!" another detective called, holding a giant mallet. The mallet sprung out a boxing glove fist and knocked down some boxes, Eddie quickly avoided the glove when it came back to the hammer. The investigator then did it again, and Eddie moved the opposite side out of the way again.

"Say, didn’t you used to be Eddie Valiant?" The investigator asked. "Or did you change your name to Jack Daniels?" Earning a laugh from the other cops.

"Sons of bitches.." Eddie grumbled under his breath and went to investigate the safe. "What's that?" He asks noticing yellow smudges over the rope with some finger prints.

"It's Paint from the rabbit's glove." the man answered taking samples. 

"You wouldn't be Eddie Valiant, would you?" A voice asked behind him.

"Who’s asking?" Eddie turned and was surprised to see Jesse Rabbit in front of him, glaring harshly at him. But before the detective could say anything, Jesse threw his arm back and gave Eddie a great sock to the jaw sending him flying into a pile of boxes.

Eddie winced in pain as he sit up hold his now stinging jaw, with some blood from his lips. "Do you have any idea what you've done?!" The toon singer yelled. Jesse marched forward for another hit but a was held back by policeman.

"Hey calm down!"

"That's enough!"

"Keep it together, will ya!"

"Get off me!" Jesse released himself from their hold and smoothed his hair and straightened his clothes, he took one last look at Eddie with a small glare. "I hope you're proud of yourself for those pictures you took!" Jesse growled, before storming off with clenched fists.

Eddie gets back up on his feet wiping the blood from his lips. Some cops went to take away Acme's corpse, but one of the cops fell over a closed crate with cartoon shoes like Nazi boots, clown shoes, pink slippers, green heels, and brown loafs. The cops had trouble with them and tried to capture them before they got loose into town.

Eddie noticed one of Acme's hand buzzer on the ground and goes to pick up when a silver end of a cane touched it. "Ow!" Eddie grunts in pain when the buzzer zapped him. His eyes traveled from the cane to a man with skin as pale as a ghost, dressed completely in black from hat to shoes, and round black glasses that made it impossible to see his eyes. 

It was almost as if he wasn't even blinking.

"Is this man removing evidence from a scene of a crime?" The man asked.

"Of course not Judge Doom," Santino came over helping Eddie on his feet and kept a firm hold on him. "Eddie here was just pickin' it up for ya." He looked at Eddie with a small glare. "Weren't you Eddie?"

Judge Doom held out his gloved hand. "Hand it over."

"Sure." Eddie handed the buzzer to him, and deliberately gave him a complete shock. "It's the number one seller." Hr chuckled in amusement.

Doom looked mad at first but then smiled. "I see working for a toon has rubbed off on you."

"Hey, I wasn't workin' for a Toon, I was workin' for R.K Maroon." Eddie defended.

"Yes, well we talked with Mr. Maroon, and he said that the rabbit became very agitated when you showed her those pictures. She said that one way or another that she and her husband were going to be happy. Were those not the exact words?"

Hey pal, do I look like a sonographer?" Eddie asked with anger in his voice.

Santino rolled his eyes at that remark. "Shut your yap, Eddie. The man is a judge."

"That's alright, lieutenant." Doom said calmly, looking up and down at Eddie. "From the smell of him, I'd say it was the booze talking." Doom sneered, guessed correctly that Eddie did indeed drink from the other night. Doom took a step back and straightened his back. "But it doesn't matter if I get his cooperation either way, my men will find her."

As on que, sirens were heard, and a large black 37 Dodge Humpback with white writing that said 'Toon Patrol' crashed through the large doors of the factory. The car spun around and stopped at a pile of boxes that fell over.

"Weasels?!" Eddie asked.

"Yes, I find they have a special gift for the work." Doom answered.

"Alright, ya mugs, fall out!" Smarty, the leader said, getting out of the car first with the others following. Greasy, Wheezy, Stupid, and Psycho.

"Did you find her yet?" Doom asked the weasels.

"Don't worry, Judge. We got ‘deforments all over the city. We'll find ‘er." Smarty said with a sneer, and the other weasels behind him with smirks.

"You wouldn't have any idea where the rabbit might be, Mr. Valiant?" Doom asked.

"Have you tried Walla Walla? Cucamonga? I hear Kokomo is very nice this time of year." Eddie teased. Santino elbowed him.

"I'm surprised you're not more cooperative, Mr. Valiant. A human has been murdered by a toon. Don't you appreciate the magnitude of that?" Suddenly they hear squeaking sound nearby. Doom looked around, then looked down to see one of the toon shoes got loose from the crate and was snuggling up to Judge Doom. "Since I've had Toon Town under my jurisdiction for some time," Doom continued, he reached into his pocket and pulls out a pair of black rubber gloves. "My goal has been to rake in the insanity, and the only way to do that is make toons respect the law." He bent down and picked up the shoe.

The shoe struggled a bit in Doom's grip, but Doom kept his grip. Then he walked towards the back of the black truck, with the weasels behind him.

"How the hell did that gargoyle get to be a judge?" Eddie whispered to Santino once Doom was out of earshot.

"Spread a bunch of simoleons around Toon Town a couple of years back, bought the election." Santino explained as they watched the creepy judge go over to the Toon Patrol car as Stupid and Psycho opened the back door to reveal a large metal barrel.

"The hell is that stuff?" Eddie asked pointed to a tank Doom opened of what appeared to be some sort of green acid.

"Remember how they always thought there wasn't a way to kill a Toon? Well, Doom found a way. Turpentine, acetone, benzene. He calls it 'The Dip'." Santino answered.

Doom turned to the two men. "I will catch the rabbit, Mr. Valiant. Then I will try her, convict her... and execute her." He lowered the shoe, which cowered and whimpering in fear.

Eddie didn't gave a single care about toons anymore, not ever since his brother's death. But...it was if something in the back of his head was telling him to do something.

“Do something, do something....do something!!”

"Hey, hey hold on a second!" He scurried over to Doom and grabbed hold of the shoe from him.

"Mr Valiant," Doom marched up to Eddie, slightly towering over him. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Yeah, what are you doing Eddie?" Santino whispered to me like he was crazy. He didn't listened to him and just glared at Doom.

"Look pal, we get it, that stuff kills toons. Taking it a little overboard don't ya think?" He gently set the toon shoe down, "Go on, get outta here already! Scat!" The shoe quickly hopped away, making squeaking noises in the process.

"Now if that's all, I'll take my leave." He straightened his head and heads out the door. As he was about to leave, Doom said one final remark that made him stop dead in his tracks.

"If I didn't know any better Mr Valiant, I think you still had a heart for these toons." Doom said with a smug look on his face.

"....Not in a million years...." And with that, he left.

Eddie heads back to his office to take a little break. Heaven knows he needs it after all that's happened today. As he made his way up the stairs, he sees a young woman with a baby carriage. She took out a lighter and started to put it in the carriage. "Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait a minute!" Eddie rushed over to stop her, but it was shown she was only lighting a cigar for Baby Herman.

"I've been trying to make him quit, but he won't listen to me." the lady said, waving away the awful smoke.

"What you know, ya dumb broad?" Baby Herman scoffed. "You got the IQ of a rattle! You wouldn’t happen to be Valiant, right?

"Yeah that's me." Eddie answered.

"I wanna talk to you two about the Acme murder," Baby Herman turned to his lady friend. "Hey, doll, why don't you run downstairs and get me a racin' form?" he gave her a smack on the ass.

The woman yelped, then glared at him. "Okay, okay, I'm goin'!" she walked off.

"A real ladies man, huh?" Eddie remarked.

He shrugged his little shoulders, "I got a 50 year old lust in a three year old dinky. Look Valiant, Rosie didn't kill Acme," Baby Herman explained. "She ain't no murderer! I tell you, this damn thing stinks like yesterday's diapers! Here, take a look at this," Herman took out the newspaper article. "The paper says that Ms Acme’s late husband left no will. That's a load of bullshtick! Every Toon knows if Mr. Acme had a will, he'd promised to leave Toon Town to us Toons."

"Has anybody ever seen this will?" Eddie asked the baby.

"Uh, no," Herman shook his head. "But Ms Acme gave us her solemn oath!"

"If you believe that old broad could do anything solid, then the gag's on you, pal!" Eddie turned Herman's carriage around and walked off.

"I just figured since you were the one who got her in trouble, you might wanna help get her out." Baby Herman told Eddie. "I can pay ya!"

Reminiscing back at the bar the other day, Eddie didn't like the sound of being paid by a toon. "Why don't cha save your money for a pair of elevator shoes!" He kicked the carriage away. Baby Herman wailed as he was rolled away and bumped into his girl, knocking the cigar out of his clutches. "My stogie!" he then started to cry, like the baby he was.

Eddie just ignored the crying and slammed the door behind him. He took a seat at his desk and lets out a tired sigh. "What a day. It ain't my fault the rabbit got herself in trouble." Eddie pours himself some whiskey into his glass cup and takes a big swig. "All I did was take a couple of lousy pictures."

As he drinks, Eddie notices something funny with the newspaper and leans to take a closer look. He picked up his glass and saw closely into Minerva's coat pocket. Eddie goes to his dresser and takes out his detective kit and took out a magnifying glass to take a closer look to make sure his eyes weren't fooling him.

He looked through the photograph and saw a will in her pocket. 

"Baby was right." Eddie thought this for a moment until he realize, so what? It ain't even his business, he already did his job. "The hell with it. Not my problem.”

Eddie opens up his bed, and kicks off his shoes and lies on his back. Then he turn to his side, opened his eyes slightly and screamed once he saw Rosie in his bed.

"AAAAAAAAAHH!" They both screamed and jumped out of bed. "How the hell did you get here?!" Eddie asked angrily.

"Through the mail slot. You weren’t here so I thought it be best if I wait inside, seeing as how I'm wanted for murder!"

"No kidding! Just talking to you could get me a rep for aiding-and-abetting- wait a minute! Anybody know you're here?"

“No! I just—”

"You know what, I don't wanna know. You need to get out!" Eddie angrily grabs Rosie by the ears and tries to throw her out of his office. "Get out! Get outta here!"

But Rosie hold herself in the doorway. "No please, you're making a mistake! I didn't kill anybody, I swear!” Eddie tried to pry Rosie off the door by pulling her, which the she stretched like a rubber band.

"The whole thing is a setup! A scam. A frame job. Ow! Eddie, I could never hurt anyone! OW! My whole purpose is to... make...people...Laugh!" Rosie slipped off the door, which made Eddie fall on his back.

Rosie landed perfectly on her feet just in time while Eddie landed on his bed. “Okay, I admit it. I was mad when you showed me those pictures of Jesse, so I ran over to the Ink and Paint Club but he wasn't there."

"And, so what?" Eddie grunts as he pulled himself up from the side of the bed. "That doesn't explain why you're here."

"Well I realized that my sweetheart was an innocent victim of circumstance. I figured he would be at home, but he wasn't there either. Then I saw the weasels were there waiting for me. I didn't know what else to do so I...I..." She couldn't finish her sentence as she covered her mouth with her hands, her whole face turning green and runs to the bathroom.

Aw great, just what he needed.

"Lift the toilet seat, please!" Eddie called out to her, grimacing at the thought. He noticed an envelope on the floor and goes to pick it up.

"What's this, a letter?" He asked himself. He glances at the bathroom door and takes a peek at the letter. "My dearest Jesse, let me count the ways..." He gagged at in disgust and stuffed the letter inside his jacket pocket. A second later Rosie came out the bathroom feeling much better. "Whew, much better." She sighed in relief.

Eddie sat back down in his desk, then took out another drink. "Okay. I still don't understand why you came to me? I’m the guy that took the pictures of your husband!"

"You're also the guy who helped all these toons." Rosie said, looking through an old scrapbook. "Everybody knows when a toon's in trouble, there's only one place to go... ‘Valiant and Valiant.’ 

"Not anymore." Eddie mumbled. Rosie went to sit in the other dusty desk."GET OUTTA THAT CHAIR!" The rabbit looked scared, quickly stepping away from it. Eddie calmed down from his outburst and simply said. "That’s…my brother's chair."

"Oh? Where is your brother, anyway?" Rosie asked, looking at an old photograph of Eddie and Teddy together. "I'd love to meet him. He looks like a sensitive and sober fellow."

Eddie could feel his anger bubbling up again. "Alright, That's it!" Eddie grabbed his telephone. "I'm callin' the cops."

"Fine! Go ahead! Call the cops! I come here askin' for your help and what'd you do? Ya turn me in!" Rosie exclaimed, acting all dramatically. "No, no, don't feel guilty about me. So long! And thanks for nothin'!" She slammed the door, not realizing that it was the closet she walked into.

"THAT'S THE CLOSET!" Eddie exclaimed. "Dumb broad." He hung up the phone and got out of his chair and went to the closet and found it empty. Just coats, boxes, and a fedora.

He stepped inside to find Rosie. Suddenly, Rosie appeared from the coats, wearing the fedora. "Edward Valiant, you’re under arrest." She spoke in a a gruff officer voice and clipped his handcuffs on Eddie's left wrist and made her signature sound.

Eddie then swings his arm out, and Rosie landed on the bed. They were now cuffed together.

"You idiot!" Eddie yelled in anger. "I ain't got no key for these cuffs."

"Oh yeah?" Rosie exclaimed with a smug look. "Well like it or not you're stuck with me, buster! Cause I refuse to be dipped while I'm—" Before the female toon could finish her sentence, the sound of a siren could be heard outside.

Rosie jumped to the window, dragging a screaming Eddie with her due to being handcuffed. She sees a black truck parked in a bad angle across the street, hitting the back of a car. She opens the blinds to get a better look, and the five weasels got out of the truck and ran across the busy street.

Rosie screamed in terror. "IT'S THE TOON PATROL!” She hides under the bed, taking a screaming Eddie with her. Eddie hit his head inside, making the bed close. Rosie jumps into the bottom drawer of Teddy's desk. "Hide me, Eddie! P-P-Please!" She sticks her head out of the top drawer. 

"GET OUTTA THERE!" Eddie screamed, having just about enough of the rabbit’s antics. She pulls him out and forced her on top of the desk.

“Come on, Eddie. You're my only hope." Rosie begged.

Suddenly there's a loud knock from the door. "Come on, open up, in the name of the law!" Smarty demanded.

"P-P-Please Eddie, I’m innocent! You know there's no justice for toons anymore. If they get their hands on me, I'm as good as dipped." Rosie cried with tears in her eyes.

Seeing the sincere and terrified look on her face Rosie is, this draws some concern from Eddie. "Look Valiant, we just want the rabbit!” The weasels continued banging getting impatient.

"What are we gonna do, Eddie? What are we gonna do?!" Rosie asked panically, shaking. 

"What's all this 'we' stuff?" Eddie tells Rosie. "They just want the rabbit."

Rosie whimpered, ears hanging low and tears trickling down her eyes and cheeks. Eddie mentally groan in exasperation. He always hated seeing women cry. He took a deep breath and sighed.

"Alright, I’ve got an idea, but you're not going to like it."

The sound of a tommy gun was heard. The doorknob clicked and falls to the floor. Wench creaked the door open and the weasels slowly entered to find the place apparently empty. Eddie and Rosie are no longer by the desk.

"Looks like they gave us the slip, huh boss?" Greasy said.

"Nah," Smarty stated, looking carefully. "Valiant's got 'er stashed somewhere." As the weasels were looking around the office, Smarty went up to the kitchen and pointed his gun at someone at the sink.

"Hold it right there!" Smarty snapped. It didn't take long for the weasels to find Eddie by the sink, suspiciously doing the dishes. Eddie turned around and gave a smile. "Hello, boys, didn't hear you come in."

"Okay, wise guy," Smarty put a chair by the sink to put his gun to his head. "Where's the rabbit?"

Eddie looked back down at the sink. "Haven't seen her." Smarty quirked an eyebrow, then looked down at the sink and gave a few sniffs.

"What ‘cha got in there?" he pointed at the sink with suspicion.

"My laundry," Eddie pulled out a black sock from the soapy water. Smarty took a whiff and regretted after and pulled his face back with disgust.

"Search the place!" Smarty commanded and the other weasels searched high and low.

Unknowingly to the weasels that Rosie was hiding in the sink. She came up, gasping for air and spits out the soapy water. Eddie quickly shoved her back in before they could see her.

"Look, Valiant, we got a reliable tip-off, the rabbit was seen comin’ here and it was 'corrugated' by several others,” Smarty then presses his gun on Eddie's cheek

“So cut the bull shtick."

"You keep talkin' like that, I'm gonna have to wash your mouth out." Eddie said, shoving a bar of soap into the fowl weasel's mouth.

Smarty was pushed back by the soap, making him hit some boxes. The other weasels looked at him and started laughing. "Stop that laughin'!" Smarty hissed at them, spitting the soap out, knocking out Wheezy.

He then took out a plunger as Psycho, Greasy, and Stupid kept laughing. "Stop that laughin'! You know what happens when you can't stop laughin'!" he hit Greasy and Psycho on the head and shoved the plunger on Stupid's mouth. "One of these days you're all gonna die laughin'."

"As for you Valiant, step outta line and we'll hang you and your laundry out to dry." Smarty threatened dangerously. "Come on, boys. Let's am-scray." He and his fellow weasels left out the door, slamming it.

The detective sighed in relief, glad that they're finally gone. "Alright, the coast is clear." Eddie pulled the rabbit out, allowing her to spit out some water again. She stepped out and shakes the water off her, which resulted her fur going all poofy.

"Jeepers Eddie, That was swell, you've saved my life! How can I ever repay ya?!" Rosie jumped in Eddie's arms and gave him a big kiss on the lips. Eddie gagged and grabbed Rosie by the scruff of her neck.

Rosie chuckled sheepishly, a cartoon sweat on her forehead. "Oopsie..."

"Well for starters..." Eddie spat, wiping his lips. "Don't ever kiss me like that again." Rosie just giggled at the flustered human.

Chapter Text

Suddenly, the door had shooting to open it. The weasels grew tired of waiting for an answer, so they barged right in. One by one the weasels came in, looking around and couldn't find the human anywhere.

"Looks like they gave us the slip, huh, boss?"

"Nah," Smarty stated, looking carefully. "Valiant's got 'er stashed somewhere." As the weasels were looking around the office, Smarty went up to the kitchen and pointed his gun at someone at the sink.

"Hold it right there!" Smarty snapped. It didn't take long for the weasels to find Eddie by the sink, suspiciously doing the dishes. Eddie turned around and gave a smile. "Hello, boys, didn't hear you come in."

"Okay, wise guy," Smarty put a chair by the sink to put his gun to his head. "Where's the rabbit?"

Eddie looked back down at the sink. "Haven't seen her." Smarty quirked an eyebrow, then looked down at the sink and gave a few sniffs.

"What ‘cha got in there?" he pointed at the sink with suspicion.

"My laundry.” Eddie pulled out a black sock from the soapy water. Smarty took a whiff and regretted after and pulled his face back with disgust. "Search the place!" Smarty commanded and the other weasels searched high and low.

Unknowingly to the weasels that Rosie was hiding in the sink. She came up, gasping for air and spits out the soapy water. Eddie quickly shoved her back in before they could see her.

"Look, Valiant, we got a reliable tip-off, the rabbit was seen comin’ here and it was 'corrugated' by several others,” He pressed the end if his gun to his cheek. “So cut the bull shtick."

"You keep talkin' like that, I'm gonna have to wash your mouth out." Eddie said, shoving a bar of soap into the fowl weasel's mouth.

Smarty was pushed back by the soap, making him hit some boxes. The other weasels looked at him and started laughing.

"Stop that laughin'!" Smarty hissed at them, spitting the soap out, knocking out Wheezy. He then took out a plunger as Psycho, Greasy, and Stupid kept laughing. "Stop that laughin'! You know what happens when you can't stop laughin'!" he hit Greasy and Psycho on the head and shoved the plunger on Stupid's mouth. "One of these days you're all gonna die laughin'."

"As for you Valiant, step outta line and we'll hang you and your laundry out to dry." Smarty threatened dangerously splashing him with the dish water. "Come on, boys. Let's am-scray." He and his fellow weasels left out the door, slamming it.

The detective sighed in relief, glad that they're finally gone. "Alright, the coast is clear." Eddie pulled the rabbit out, allowing her to spit out some water again. She stepped out and shakes the water off her, which resulted her fur going all poofy.

"Jeepers Eddie, That was swell, you've saved my life! How can I ever repay ya?!" Rosie jumped in Eddie's arms and gave him a big kiss on the cheek. Eddie gagged and grabbed Rosie by the scruff of her neck.

Rosie chuckled sheepishly, a cartoon sweat on her forehead. "Oopsie..."

"Well for starters..." Eddie spat, wiping his cheek. "Don't ever kiss me like that again."

Rosie just giggled at the flustered human. "Oh stop it."

"This is no way to treat a lady!"

"Will you hold still and keep quiet already."

Rosie's muffled shouts can be heard in Eddie's coat. After the Weasels left Eddie figured he would hide her with Dolores at the bar for a while. Once they got in the bar, Eddie sees Delores serving drinks at a table.

"Delores! DELORES!" He shouted. However, he couldn't hear him due to loud noises from the red cars. "Delores!!" He shouted at the top of his lungs once the trolley came by.

"I hear you, Eddie. Hold on a damn second!" The waitress yelled, then makes her way over to him.

"Hey Eddie, you made the front page today!" a man called to the private investigator.

"Yeah, yeah. I guess I made some ink." Eddie shrugged.

"I need air!" Rosie whined from inside the jacket. Eddie tried to get her back in the jacket, but she was fighting back. When Eddie finally got the rabbit back down, but it made him look like he had a....You know, ‘morning glory’

"Eddie, is that a rabbit in your pocket or you just happy to see me?~" She flirted with a flirtatious smile.

Eddie's cheeks turned pink as he got flustered. "Cut the crap, Dolores, I've had a very hard day." Eddie said in a hushed tone, taking her in the back to privately handle this situation. "I gotta get outta these cuffs."

"Oh, swell." Dolores mumbled, sarcastically.

Finally as they were alone, Rosie broke free from Eddie's heavy coat. "For toon's sake, that almost killed me!" Rosie breathed. "Golly, what is this? Some kind of a secret room?"

"It's a rock gut room," Delores answered turning on a lamp. "We use them when pulled over prohibition."

"Oh I get it, a speakeasy, a gim mill, a hooch parlor." Rosie said, while Eddie takes off his coat and hold her by her ears. "Hey look at this!" Rosie ran up towards something on the wall, inadvertently dragging Eddie with her and made Dolores trip on them and some boxes. "It's a spy-hole! This’ll be a great place to hide!"

Eddie pulled Rosie away from the door, and Delores closed the spy hole before anyone could see. The toon and detective took a seat, while Delores looks for a tool kit for them. "Here." She hands him a saw.

"Thanks Doll." Eddie answered.

"Alright Eddie what's going on?" Delores asked wanting to know what's exactly going on. "I thought you said you'd never take another case again. Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Nothing's changed!" Eddie retorted matching her anger. Rosie flinched a bit, but remained quiet. "Somebody made a patsy outta me, and I'm gonna find out who!" He started cutting the cuffs with the saw.

"Eddie, maybe I can.." Rosie tried to say something.

"Quiet. Just hold still, will ya?" Eddie barked at Rosie as the box was wobbling as he tried to saw through the cuffs. Rosie then quietly slipped her wrist out of the cuff and held the box steady for him. "Does this help?"

"Yeah, thanks." Eddie said. Then a second later he stops sawing, glares at Rosie, and slams the saw down, looking like he's ready to explode. Rosie puts her hand back in the cuff and smiled sheepishly. "You mean to tell me that you could have taken your hand out of that cuff at any time!?"

"No, not at any time." Rosie answered. "Only when it was funny." She giggled and made her signature line.

"GET OUT!" Eddie shouted as Rosie gave her signature line and dashes off, slipping her hand out of the cuff again. She shot past Dolores, causing the ceiling lamp to swing again, and sat on a spinning chair. "Lighten up will ya, where’s your sense of humor?”

"Is she always this funny? Or only on days when she's wanted for murder?” Delores asked plainly while grabbing the light that was swinging back and forth.

"Im innocent!" Rosie clarified. "And besides, My philosophy is this, If you don't have a good sense of humor, you're better off dead!"

"Well, you may get your wish unless I can figure out what happened to this." Eddie sneered, throwing a rolled up paper.

"What is it Eddie?" Delores asked, She unfolded the piece of paper, and on there was a zoomed picture of Acme's will circled in red marker.

"It's the late Acme's will!" 

"Yeah, I think Maroon played the part of sound mind and your husband, the sound body." 

"Hey! Watch it bub!" Rosie growled, her ears fell to the back of her skull and holding a hammer threateningly at Eddie.

"What's the scheme, Eddie?" Dolores asked, taking the hammer away from her.

"I don't think they got to the will." Eddie answered.

"But how do you know?" Rosie asked.

"Because, they were still looking for it after they killed her." Eddie looked into her eyes, then focused on the handcuffs.

"Anything I can do?" Dolores asked as she took a seat next to Eddie who was still sawing the cuff.

"Maybe you could head downtown and check the probate." Eddie answered.

"Yeah, sure. No problem." Dolores nodded.

"Wait, Let me get this straight....you think that my boss, RK Maroon, dropped a safe on Ms Acme's head so that he could get his hands on Toon Town?" Rosie asked.

"Yep," Eddie said, finally getting free from the handcuffs. "That's my hunch." He gets up and grabbed his jacket. "Uh, can she stay here for a couple of days?"

"She's not gonna do anything crazy, is she?" Dolores asked, glancing at the white rabbit. The waitress watched as Rosie picked up some canned goods and placed them back on the shelf.

"Aw relax, she'll be fine." Eddie shrugged, then goes towards the door.

"Where are you goin'?" Dolores asked.

"I’m gonna make a pit stop. I won't be long."

That night, Eddie went back to the same alleyway he got thrown out the other night. He went over to Jesse’s dressing room, puts his hat on it and breaks the window by punching on his hat so he won't hurt his hand.

Then he unlocks the window and climbs inside, as he gets up on his feet, someone grabs him by his coat and threw him to the floor. They started ruffing him up a little and ran out the door. Eddie picks up his hat and gets up, and ran to the door.

As soon as he opened it, something, or someone clocked him in the face knocking him unconscious.

Groaning, Eddie groaned and opened his eyes. His vision was a bit blurry but it soon fades into his vision as Judge Doom stands above Eddie, who's still lying on the floor.

"Pick him up." Doom ordered. Bongo the bouncer gorilla grabs Eddie by his coat and makes him sit on a nearby chair next to Doom. "Rummaging around in someone's room?” The judge tsked. “What were you looking for, Mr. Valiant?"

"You know you’re not the first guy to sneak into my dressing room.” A familiar voice said revealing to be Jesse Rabbit lounging back on a couch with his legs crossed. “Last week some heavy breather wanted one of my drawers as a souvenir.” 

"Don't worry, pal, I got my own. And you know damn well I was looking for the will."

"Im afraid that the late Marvin Acme had no will." Doom said, as he sits down in another chair. "I should know; the estate's in my jurisdiction."

"Well that was a will, alright!" Eddie nods to the redhead toon. "And he and R.K. Maroon killed Minerva Acme for it!"

"That's absurd!" Jesse exclaimed, getting up from the couch.

"Someone else was in here looking for the will too.” Eddie countered. Maybe Maroon's flunkies. I would have caught 'em if Cheeta here hadn’t interrupted me!" He pointed at Bongo, who was about to pulverize him for that remark.

"Take it easy, Bongo. We'll handle Mr. Valiant our own way. Downtown." Doom said with a creepy smile.

"Downtown?” Eddie laughed, “Fine, let's get a hold of Santino. I’ll be more than happy going Downtown.” 

Jude Doom shook his head. "Oh. I'm not talking about that Downtown. I'm talking about Downtown….Toontown." 

Eddie suddenly felt the color run out of his face upon hearing that. He then heard the laughter of the weasels who entered the room. "You were warned to stay outta this case, didn't ya?" Smarty said.

"No, wait a minute, not Toontown. Hey get off me!" Eddie plead and screamed, as the weasels grabbed and drag Eddie out of the dressing room and into the back of their van driving off into the tunnel entrance to Toon-town

Chapter Text

Two Words.

Pig. Head.

By the next morning when the weasels were done with him they dumped the private detective on the side of the road, with a toon pig on his head no doubt.

When Eddie came back to his office the first thing he did was take a really long shower, it took forever to remove the pig head from him. He swear the next time he'd see those stinkin' weasels again he'd stick one up all their noses.

He sighed in relief as the last bits of the swine washed up into the drain. In the midst of it, he could have sworn he heard the door to his office open. He exits the bathroom, shirtless but his pants were still on, door while wiping sweat from his forehead.

"Hello, Mr Valiant." A smooth voice said, almost sounding like Hannibal Lecter.

Eddie let out a small yelped and his head whipped at the intruder. There, sitting at his desk was Jesse Rabbit, his legs crossed on the table and his arms folded behind his back.

"What the hell are you doing here?!" He squeaked, still angry about the pig head.

The red-headed toon pointed his finger towards his door, which was missing a doorknob. "The door was unlocked so I let myself in. Look, I'll cut to the chase. You got the wrong idea about me, Mr. Valiant. I'm a pawn in this just like Rosie. Please can you help me find her? Just name the price and I'll pay it."

"Yeah, I bet you would," Eddie accused rolling his eyes. "You gotta have the rabbit to make the scam work. Must have been real bored with your marriage."

Jesse peeled his legs off the table and readjusted his sitting. He sits up slowly, glaring angrily at the half naked detective. "Now you look here bub, I love my wife more than anything in the world. You think I wanted to hurt her? You got me all wrong!"

“Not from where I’m standing.” 

Jesse scoffed, rolling his green eye, he then stood up and takes a long, stride past Eddie and stands there, his hands holding his forearms. "You don't know how hard it is being a man looking as perfect as I am."

"Oh yeah, maybe not completely perfect." Eddie quipped.

"I ain’t bad," Jesse stated. "I'm just…drawn that way." He smoothed his hair back, his handsome face fully showing. 

Eddie had to hold back a gag and puts on his shirt. "But weren't you the one I caught playing patty cake with the ol' cougar?" Eddie inquired.

"You didn't catch me, Mr Valiant, You set up to take those pictures." Jesse revealed.

Eddie's eyes widened, his eyebrows furrowed. "What are you talking about?"

"Maroon wanted to blackmail Acme. I didn't want no part of it, But he said if I didn't pose for those Patty cake pictures Rosie would never work in this town again or anywhere else. I refused to let that happen. My honey-bunny loves her job and I'll be damn if it all went away just like that."

Jesse then slowly stalked towards Eddie, who started to back up in response. "So it's like I said before, I love my wife and I'll do anything for her Mr. Valiant, anything.” He backed Eddie up against the wall, towering over him.

"What a husband." He muttered, he gently pushed the toon back with both hands, which resulted in his pants falling down.

"Please I'm desperate Mr Valiant, can't you see how much I need your help."

"Ahem!"

The private detective flinched at the female voice, Eddie quickly turned his head as there was Dolores standing in the doorway. "Am I interrupting something, Eddie?" Dolores asked with his arms crossed.

"Dolores! I, uhh...this isn't what it looks like." Eddie stuttered, trying to find a way to explain this misunderstanding.

'Payback is a bitch, ain't it?' Jesse thought evilly in his head. The toon cleared his throat, straightened his cherry red suit. "Well I must be off.” He then sashayed towards the door. He turns around to face Eddie one last time. "My offer still stands Mr Valiant, Think it over." He gave him a wink before leaving the office.

Dolores' eyes dragging downward to his asset, then back at Eddie glaring angrily at him. "You wanna tell me what was that all about!?"

"I told you, Dolores, it's not what it looked like!" Eddie tried to explain.

“You had your pants down Eddie!” Dolores left in a huff and Eddie followed after her, pulling up his pants and jacket on.

"Come on, Dolores!" Eddie called after her. "You don't believe some painted gigalo like that could turn my head. He's just trying to get his hands on the rabbit."

"Are you sure that not all he’s trying to get his hands on?" Dolores asked sarcastically.

"Now look, Dolores, listen to me! Look, I want you to go out. I want you to buy yourself a new swimsuit. Cause you and me are goin' to Catalina. I'm on the verge of wrappin' up this case."

"No, you're not, Eddie!" Dolores hissed. "That's what I came to tell you. I stopped by probate. Maroon's not after Toon-town, like you thought. It's Cloverleaf that wants to get their hands on Toon-town. They put in the highest bid. And unless that will shows up by midnight tonight, Cloverleaf is gonna own Toon-town. 

"What? At midnight tonight?" Eddie asked confused.

"That's right."

"First they buy the Red Car, then they want to get their hands on Toontown. I don't get it." Eddie said, as none of this seems to add up. What could Cloverleaf want with Toontown?

"Shh, that noise." Dolores shushed Eddie, Suddenly, inside the bar there was rapid piano music playing. There was also the distinct sound of laughter. "Rosie!" Eddie grabbed Dolores hand and ran inside the building with them.

What they didn't know was that the man hole they were standing by opened up to reveal the weasels, spying and eavesdropping.

"We found ‘er, Get the judge boys."

Eddie and Dolores entered the bar to see Rosie dancing on the booth with a crowd of people laughing and dancing to the music.‘I don’t believe it.’ Eddie held an angry look on his face. She was supposed to be hiding, not dancing to a bunch of drunks.

Rosie then laughed at one of the bar patrons, entertaining them. "Whoo-hoo, nice shirt! Who's your tailor, Quasimodo?" She continued to perform for them.

My buddy's Eddie V.

A sourpuss, you see

But when I'm done he'll need no gun

Cuz a joker he will be

C, D, E, F, G, H, I

I love to raise some Cain!

Believe me, it's no strain

I feel so great to smash a plate

And look, there's no pain

No pain

No pain

No pain

No--

The record gets scratched and Rosie continues smashing plates against her head without any injury. Dolores panicked and stops the record, while Eddie yanked the rabbit by the ears and takes her in the rotgut. "Hey! Owch! This is not proper behavior towards a lady!”

"You damn crazy rabbit!" Eddie yelled at Rosie. "I've been out there riskin' my neck for you, and what are you doin'? SINGIN' AND DANCIN'!"

"But, I'm a Toon. It’s kinda my job to make people laugh," She tried to explain. "And besides those people needed to laugh."

"Yeah, and when they're done laughin', they'll call the cops!" Eddie snapped. "That guy Angelo would rat on you for a nickel!"

"Oh no, not Angelo, he'd never turn us in." Rosie defended.

"WHY!? Because you made him laugh?”

"That's right. A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it's the only weapon we have." Suddenly there was red alert buzzing. Eddie shushed Rosie and both went to the spy-hole and looked through it. To Eddie's shock and Rosie's horror, they see Doom walking through the bar.

"Good evening everyone. I'm looking for a murderer."

Right behind him were the weasels snickering sinisterly. The patrons all looked around and tried to keep quiet. "A rabbit," Doom said and walked through the bar. The two guys near him got up from there table and moved away with fear. "A toon rabbit," Doom continued, placing his hand on a midget man and pushed him down a bit. "About yeh big." he then looked around the mess on the floor.

"Look, there's no rabbit here," Dolores lied, “So don't harass my costumers!” 

"I didn't come here to harass madam, I came here to reward," Doom clarified. He then took a man with a pool cue by the sleeve and wiped the blackboard for ‘French Dip’ and wrote on the board with chalk, as he wrote, he scrapped the chalk against the chalkboard, making a horrible sound making everyone in the bar cringe. When he was done it now said ‘Rabbit Dip’ for $5,000.

Angelo whistled at that. "Hey, I've seen a rabbit."

Rosie gasped in disbelief, covering her mouth. "See?" Eddie snapped at Rosie. The rabbit responded with a whimper and a shake of her head.

Judge Doom stalked towards the drunken man. "Where!?"

"Right here in the bar." Angelo replied. He then put his arm out like he placed it on someone's shoulder. "Say hello...Harvey."

The other bar patrons started laughing with Angelo. Rosie sighs in relief. "See. Told you so big man." She replied with a smug grin.

Judge Doom looked at them with a frightening grin to silence them. Suddenly, there was a record still skipping. Eddie had stopped the song, but the record was still going. Doom held the record, glancing at the title. “‘Merry-Go-Round, Broke Down'. Quite a loony selection for a group of drunken reprobates."

Everyone coughed awkwardly and glanced in different directions. He then took the record to his face and took a whiff of the record.

Yeesh, talk about weirdness.

"She’s here!" he exclaimed with a freakish smile. He threw the record like a frisbee, but Stupid was in the way and he caught it in his mouth. Soon the rest of the weasels all broke into fits of laughter.

"STOP THAT LAUGHING!" Doom yelled, but the weasels didn't hear him. Suddenly, he lifted his cane and whacked Smarty hard on the face. The weasel hit the table that broke into pieces.

"HAVE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME?! IF YOU DON'T STOP THAT LAUGHING, YOUR GONNA END UP DEAD! JUST LIKE YOUR IDIOT HYENA COUSINS!"

"Say, boss," Smarty settled himself. "You want we shoud 'disresemble' the place?"

"No, Sergeant," Doom replied. "Disassembling the place won't be necessary. The rabbit is going to come right to me." He went over to the bar and tapped his cane one the counter and tapped his cane in a familiar beat. "No Toon can resist this classical number." Doom explained, then continued tapping.

Eddie scoffed behind the peephole. This guy couldn't be serious that anyone would fall for that. "I don't know who's more looney. You or Doom?" Eddie turned around to look at Rosie, only for his eyes to widened.

"Oh crap..."

Rosie was sitting there trembling as if she was going to explode. Her ears are tangled together and her teeth clenched. Perhaps he wasn't kidding about the knocking. "No. Rosie," Eddie shouted silently, grabbing the toon by the shoulders in hopes of calming her down. "No!"

Doom continues to tap a tune quietly with his cane. This time against a wall far from where the guys were. “Hello my baby, Hello my Honey, hello my ragtime gal. Send me a kiss by wire.”

Suddenly, the wall behind Doom exploded to reveal Rosie, making a pose with her arms out and on one knee. "Baby my heart's on fire~!" Rosie sang the last part of the song.

Doom went behind the rabbit and grabbed her around the neck and hoisted her in the air. "Let...go..." The white rabbit gagged, struggling against her hold.

"Say boss, what should we do with the wallflower?" Snarty asked Doom, as he and the other weasels point their knives at Eddie, who has his hands up.

"We'll deal with him later." Doom answered. "Right now I feel like dispensing some justice. Bring me some 'DIP'."

Chapter Text

The weasels brought out the Dip. The hissing of the dip barrel sent a chill on everyone's spines. Rosie cried out and her whole body shaking like a leaf.

"Does the condemned have anything to say before her sentence is carried out?" Doom offered any last words.

"P-P-Please. I didn't kill anyone! I would never do such a thing!" Rosie cried, tears rolling down her cheeks. But Doom only held her throat tightly, choking her.

Eddie looked around trying to find a way to help her. He didn't know what to do. He didn't...Wait a minute.

He remembered something a while back on an old case involving Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. "Dolores, bourbon." Eddie whispered, holding up a small glass. "And make it a double."

"Gee, Fine time for a drink, Eddie!" Dolores reprimanded.

"Just pour the drink, Dolores." She does what her boyfriend says and pours the drink. Doom tries to push Rosie into the Dip, but she's using her ears to prevent him from doing so. The bar patrons could only watch solemnly, with a few removing their hats.

"Hey, Judge!" Eddie shouted. Doom and Rosie looked up at him. "Does the dying rabbit deserve a last request?" he asked.

"Yeah, you wouldn't happen to carry any perfume to drown out this smell, do ya Dolores?" Rosie said, still straining while trying not to get into the Dip.

"I got you something better..." Eddie holds up the full glass with a smile. "A drink. How 'bout it, judge?"

"Well, why not?" Doom shrugged, moving Rosie away from the Dip. "I wouldn't mind prolonging the execution."

"Bottoms up." Eddie said, holding the drink to Rosie.

"No thanks, Eddie." Rosie said, holding her arms out. "I-I can't...!"

"Just drink the drink!" Eddie demanded.

"But I don't want to drink!" The rabbit protested.

"She doesn't want to drink!"

"What do you mean, of course she does!" Eddie continued.

"I don't!" Rosie argued.

"You do!"

"I don't!"

"You do!"

"I don't!"

"You do!"

"I don't!" 

"…You don't."

"I do." 

"You don't."

"I do!"

"You don't!"

Rosie looked like she had enough and took the glass. "Listen here buster, when I say I do, that means I do." She splashed the drink in her mouth, spilling some on the floor, and swallowed in one gulp.

Suddenly, she started to change color. Her eyes were swirling in different colors, and her fur standing on edge. Eddie pulled Delores and hid behind the bar. Then, with a burst of power, Rosie flew out of Judge Doom's hand and flew in the air, letting out a high-pitched yell as her head shaped like a train whistle.

Doom stumbled back into the men next to the bar. Then it turned into a brawl between Eddie and the weasels. When Rosie was done with her spasm attack, she was about to fall into the Dip, but stopped when Eddie quickly caught her.

"I gotcha, kid." Eddie tips the barrel, spilling the Dip to the floor. The bar patrons backed away from it. Oddly enough, so did Judge Doom, as if afraid of his own concoction.

"Come on Eddie, let's get out of here!" Rosie yelled, running towards the exit. "Move it, boys!" she pushed past two older guys and fell down the stairs screaming, with Eddie not far behind.

Eddie ran down the exit, catching up with Rosie. "That was quick thinkin', Eddie! Nothin' like usin' the ol' spine flower, the wise noodle, the-“

"Rosie!" Eddie grabs the rabbit by her ears. "Let's use this!" Eddie throws her to the passenger seat of the black Toon Patrol van and got into the driver's seat.

"Let's get outta here! What are you waitin' for?!" Rosie cried to Eddie.

"There's no damn key!"

"Hey, you weasels, lemme outta here, will ya?! C'mon, I gotta make a livin'!"

A voice called out from the back of the van. Rosie recognized that voice, so she opens the slide window behind her and stuck her head in. "Benny? Is that you?"

"No! It's Shirley Temple!" Benny answered sarcastically. "C'mon Rose, get me outta here!"

Rosie squeezed through the window and jumped inside. "Eddie, we got ourselves a ride! Open the door!" She shouted from the other side of the window.

Eddie got out of the car and went to the back of the car and opened the back doors. Once open, a yellow toon taxi cab came out.

"Ha, that's better," Benny exclaimed. "How you doin' gorgeous! Need a lift?"

"You betcha! Cmon in Eddie!" Rosie said jumping on the driver's seat.

"I can't believe they locked me in for driving on a sidewalk. It was just a couple of miles!" Benny shrugged.

"I'll drive." Eddie said as he moved her over on the passenger seat.

"Aw but I wanna drive." Rosie pouted.

"No, I'll drive!" Benny pointed to himself and started moving. "OUTTA MY WAY PENCIL NECK!" he yelled at a thin man who crossed the road. "How about this weather huh, it never rains!"

The weasels ran outside, knocking a few pedestrians on the sidewalk. "They sprung the cab! Let's go!"

"And what about those Brooklyn Dodgers? Are they bums or what?" Benny asked Eddie and Rosie.

"Guys we got company!" Rosie exclaimed as Smarty, Psycho and Stupid were coming at them in at fast speed.

"Hang on!" Benny cried, as he squeezed through two cars. Rosie and Eddie exclaimed in fear as they dangerously went through two cars. "Now that's what I call a couple of road hogs!"

Suddenly, gunshots were heard and Rosie ducked down. "Benny look out for the RED CAR!" Rosie screamed.

Benny sharply did a U-turn to not hit the Red Car and drove down the opposite road. "Benny, the cops are right behind us!" Rosie exclaimed almost falling out of her seat.

"Not for long," Benny answered while turning to an alleyway and backed in. He sped in the alley way at top speed when the cops were right in front of us. "Crap! Now they're right in front of us!"

"Eddie, we're goin' backwards! Turn us around!" Rosie exclaimed as she looked behind them. She tries to grab the steering wheel from Eddie's grip. "Gimme the wheel! GIMME THE WHEEL!"

The struggling caused Benny to spin around, now driving in the right direction.

"The cops are still on our tail!" Rosie exclaimed, looking back.

"I know the cops are still on our tail!" Eddie retorted. "What do you think I am Blind!?" Not noticing what's in front of them. Eddie and Rosie turned their heads to see the Toon Patrol car driving towards them. Eddie, Rosie and Benny scream as it was coming closer.

"PULL THE LEVER!" Benny called out.

"Which one?!" Eddie yelled, looking around the dashboard frantically.

"'Which one'?!" Benny exclaimed mockingly, as a sign popped up saying THIS LEVER, STUPID! pointing to the only lever in the cab.

Eddie quickly grabbed the lever and pulled. With a quick jump, Benny rose up as he went over the Toon Patrol car. "I'm gettin' too old for this!" Benny exclaimed, as they make a quick left turn.

Eddie and Rosie suddenly hear a crashing noise. They looked back to see the two police officers flung out of the alley, and landed on the street.

"Goodness gracious!" Rosie exclaimed.

"Hey Rosie! What do ya call the middle of a song?" Benny asked.

"Gee I don't know, A BRIDGE!" Rosie scratched her head with her other hand then screamed as they headed toward a bridge. Benny jumped onto the bridge, avoid crashing into a passing mother pushing her baby cart.

They landed roughly on top of the bridge and turned left down the road. "We're alright!" Rosie cheered.

"So, where can I drop ya off?" Benny asked .

"Somewhere we can hide." Rosie answered.

"I got just the place gorgeous! And incidentally, if you should ever need a ride, just stick out your thumb." Benny said, gesturing with his tire/hand. He then changes lanes, cutting past another vehicle. "HEY! SHARE THE ROAD, WILL YA, LADY?!"

Eddie and Rosie decided to hide out in a movie theater, which is showing 'Goofy's Gymnastics' No one in the theater noticed that Eddie and Rosie are hiding there because they're at the balcony which is blocked out, so no one would bother them for a while.

Rosie is laughing like crazy and sitting near the edge to get a closer look. "Boy, did you see that?Nobody takes a wallop like Goofy. What timing. What finesse. What a genius!"

"Hey! We're supposed to be hiding, what's wrong pwith you?!" Eddie glared at Rosie and sits her back in her seat.

The toon rabbit scoffed at the private eye's behavior. How could he not find this hilarious at all?

"What's wrong with me, what’s wrong with you?” She retorted. “You're the only person in this theater that ain't laughing. Is there nothing that can penetrate your impervious puce? What on earth could've happened to you that turned you into such a sourpuss?"

"…You wanna know?" Eddie asked.

Rosie nodded.

"I'll tell ya...A toon killed my brother."

"A toon, no." Rosie couldn’t believe the guy's words.

"That's right, A few years back, me and Teddy were investigating a robbery of the first national bank in Toon-town… Back in those days, we liked workin' in Toon-town, thought it was a lot of laughs. Anyway, this guy got away with a zillion simoleons. We trailed him to a little dive down at Yockster Street. We went in, only he got the drop on us...literally. Dropped a piano on us from 15 stories. When I came to, I was in the hospital with a broken arm. But Teddy never made it. I never did find out who that guy was. All I remember is, he was standin' over me laughin', with those burnin' red eyes, and that high squeaky voice...He disappeared into Toontown after that."

After hearing the story, it was all starting to make sense now. Why he refused to help her clear her name, why Eddie got angry when she sat in that dusty old chair. She had no idea that a toon, of all people would do that to anyone.

"That's... awful. No, That's terrible!" She suddenly burst into tears. "It's no wonder you didn’t want to help me, why you hated me! If a toon killed my brother, I'd hate me too!"

"Oh, come on Rose, Don't cry, I don't hate you." Eddie said, trying to comfort the weeping rabbit.

"Yes you do." Rosie retorted.

"No I don't!" Eddie argued.

"You do hate me!" Rosie then pulled on her ears. "Otherwise you wouldn't have yanked my ears all those times."

"Well, I'm sorry I yanked your ears." Eddie sincerely apologized.

"All the times when you yanked my ears?" Rosie asked, looking into Eddie's eyes.

"All the times I yanked your ears." Eddie repeated, rolling his eyes.

"Aww~ I accept your apology, Eddie." Rosie gives him a big hug, his face planted in her bosom. "I can't tell you how much that means to me!"

"Please...let go." Eddie muffled, his face flushed a bit. She lets go of him and rubbed the back of her head awkwardly.“Sorry about that, Ive been a little moody as of lately.” 

“Really?” Eddie then remembered a conversation back with him and R.K back in his office. “You know I think Maroon said something about that.” 

“Well, you see, Im kind of…” 

“Psst, Eddie..!” 

Dolores suddenly shows and sit down next to Eddie. "Dolores, did you got all my stuff?" Eddie whispers to Dolores.

"Yeah, it's all packed up in the car outside." Dolores answered. "I would have been here right after you called, but I had to shake the weasels."

"Kay' thanks." Eddie nodded, he then sighed and slumped in his seat. "I'm sorry about the trouble at the bar." Eddie apologized.

"Oh the hell with it, Stuffing olives for a livin' wasn't really for me anyway." Dolores told him reassuringly.

It was then silent for a moment, until Eddie spoke again. "Dolores...I, y-you...you ought to find yourself a good man." Dolores was a wonderful person. She’s been with him before and after his brother’s death. But sometimes Eddie believed she could do better than him.

"But I already have a good man." Dolores answered emotionally.

The two slowly brought their faces together to kiss, but then heard a humming sound. They stopped and turned to Rosie, whose eye pupils and ears were shaped like hearts.

"Aww, It's so nice to see a husband and wife together so happily." She cooed. The couple's face went three shades of red of what she just said and pulled away.

"W-What? No, Eddie isn't my-"

"She's not, we're aren't exactly..."

Rosie just started laughing at their fumbling. Then the screen changes in the theater. "Oh, boy!" Rosie exclaimed as she hopped back into her seat. "Another cartoon!” But it wasn't another cartoon, the news had came on. "Aww. I hate these stupid newsreel." The rabbit complained as she slouched in her seat.

"Uh, You two should get going now." Dolores told Eddie. The three get up from their seat and starts to head out.

"I'm just glad Teddy's not here to see me runnin' with my tail between my legs." Eddie said.

"Eh, It's not so bad, once you get used to it." Rosie reassuring Eddie, who just scoffed at the toon rabbit. As they were about to leave, the news said something rather interesting that caught Eddie's ear.

"The Pacific Red Car Trolley line and the Venerated Maroon Cartoon Studio." The newsman announced. "Here, R.K. Maroon is seen clenching a deal with Cloverleaf's bankers and execs in one of the BIGGEST real estate deals in California history!"

"That's it!" Eddie exclaimed. "That's the connection!"

Chapter Text

After leaving the theater, Eddie drives up to Maroon Cartoon Studios. Rosie looked from the window nervously.

"Let's forget it. There's nobody here." Rosie spoke up.

"Is that it or are you scared?" Eddie asked as he got out of the car.

"P-P-Please, me scared?" Rosie trying to sound brave. "Don't be ridiculous." By the time she got out of the car, her teeth was chattering. "When you called Maroon, you told him you had the will, but you don't. When he finds out he's gonna be mad. He might try to kill ya." Rosie went up against the wall and became thin as a piece of paper.

Eddie walks up to Rosie. "I can handle a Hollywood creme puff. I just don't want the odds to change. You'll be my lookout." Rosie removes her back from the wall. Eddie then heads up the stairs. "And if you see or hear anything, beat the horn twice."

This gave the toon rabbit some confidence. "Yeah, okay, beat the horn twice. Cover his back. Why, nobody gets the drop on Rosaline Rabbit."

Bang❗️

Rosie is suddenly gets hit on the head with a frying pan, knocking her unconscious. Her body was then being dragged away.

In the office, Maroon switched the lights on, being on edge a little. The man hid his small gun in one of his pockets as he looked around. Being unaware, Eddie came out through a secret door in the wall side by side. Eddie reached his hand out and tapped Maroon on the shoulder. Maroon yelped in surprised and backed away.

"What's up doc?" Eddie teased, using Bugs Bunny's catchphrase.

"Valiant, what are you tryin' to do? Ya tryin' ta give me a heart attack?!" Maroon exclaimed in anger.

"I think you need to have a heart for that Maroon." Eddie replied.

"Yeah whatever. You got the will?" Marron asked sounding a bit desperate.

"Yeah I got it, But it ain't gonna come cheap. It's gonna cost ya." Eddie said as he walked over to the drink tray to get a drink.

"You got a lot a brass coming up here by yourself." Maroon stated in a threatening manner, glaring at the private investigator.

"Who said I was here by myself?" Eddie asked with a smirk. Maroon pulled his gun out and pointed it at Eddie, who was too consumed with the liquor to notice.

"Let me see that will," Maroon demanded at her.

"I told you I got it."

"I WANT TO SEE IT NOW!" Maroon shouted as he smacked the drink out his hand, Maroon took the paper from the front pocket of his trench coat. "'Oh how do I love thee, let me count the ways'. Maroon reads the paper, becoming more confused. "What is this some kind of joke!?"

"No. This is." Maroon turned and got sprayed with seltzer water by Eddie. Maroon dropped his gun with surprise. Eddie grabbed hold of Maroon, pulled his fist back, and punched Maroon in the nose.

The cartoon producer was now on the ground but was forced up when Eddie pointed a gun at him. "Get up." The detective ordered. "Now."

"W-What are you going to do ta me Valiant?" Maroon asked, terrified.

"I'm gonna listen as you spin the Cloverleaf Scenario. A story of greed, sex, and murder," Eddie stated as he held Maroon up by the tie. "And the parts that I don't like, I'm gonna edit out."

"Wait a minute! You got me all wrong, I'm a cartoon maker, not a murderer!" Maroon pleaded.

"Everybody's gotta have a hobby," Eddie hissed as he pushed Maroons tie into the machine. Soon the tie was rolling through the machine like a tape. "Now talk!"

"WAIT, STOP IT, STOP IT!" Maroon cried as Eddie took his foot off the mechanism. "The truth is, I had a chance to sell my studio, but Cloverleaf wouldn't buy it. They went after Acme's place instead. That stubborn broad wouldn't sell! So I was gonna blackmail her with pictures of her and the rabbit's husband!"

"So why accuse Rosie of murdering Minerva Acme?!" Eddie demanded.

"BLACKMAIL! That's all! I've been around toons all my life! I didn't wanna see em' DESTROYED!"

"Toons Destroyed?!" Eddie repeated, a shocked look on his face. "Why?”

"If I tell ya, I'm a dead man!"

"You're a dead man either way!" Eddie said pressing the mechanism.

"Unless that will shows by midnight tonight, Toon Town's gonna be for the free..." Maroon never got to finish when something shined in one of the pictures hanged on the wall. Eddie sees the nozzle of a gun peeking out from behind the blinds of the window.

"Fuck!"

Three shots rang out in the office, and the bullets met their target. Eddie ducked for cover by springing in different directions. When the coast clear, Eddie looked up from his hiding spot. He lets out a a surprise gasp as he saw Maroons lifeless body with three bullet wounds in his back.

Eddie gets up and looked out the window, opened a part of the blinds, he sees Jesse heading down the alleyway, then took a left turn.

'I knew it' Eddie thought as he watched the toon made a run for it. He knew that guy rubbed him the wrong way. When he made it outside, he saw that there car was empty. When they saw a beige colored car leaving the alley.

"ROSIE!" Eddie exclaimed, looking around for the missing rabbit. When he couldn't find he had assumed she'd chicken out or something.

With the rabbit nowhere in sight, Eddie quickly gets into his car and followed the beige car at top speed as he headed downtown to a familiar road.

Toon-Town.

Chapter Text

Ugh, he remembered why he hated going into Toon-Town. Everyone. Is. Crazy!!!

As Eddie walked into the alleyway, it became dark as night. The only sounds anyone heard were either footsteps, or an occasional cat’s meow. Not being able to stop himself, he Just then lets out a loud sneeze.

"Bless you."

"Thanks." Eddie said, he did a double take, looking at the shadow funny. The silhouette waved its hand in greeting.

"Valiant." Jesse called out, standing at the opening of an alley in Toon-town, pointing his gun at Eddie's direction.

Eddie slowly turns around to face the red-headed toon, a look of displeasure on his face. "You know, I always knew I'd get it in Toontown."

"Behind you!" The toon fired his gun which Eddie quickly moved out of the way to dodge the bullet, the would-be killer yelping in pain, dropping their gun. Eddie then quickly turned to Jessie who was walking towards him.

"Drop it, pal!" Eddie ordered, pointing his gun at Jesse.

"Oh c'mon," Jesse dropped his gun and raised his hands, "I just saved your life and you still don't trust me?"

"I don't trust anybody or anything!"

"Not even your own eyes?" Jesse points at the other person's gun on the ground. "That's the gun that killed R.K. Maroon, and it was Doom that pulled the trigger."

"Doom?!"

"Yeah, I followed him to the studio, but I was too late to stop him."

"THAT'S RIGHT!" Doom's voice echoed through the end of the alley, Eddie and Jessie to see Judge Doom making a run for it. "YOU'LL NEVER STOP CATCH ME! YOU'RE DEAD! YOU'RE BOTH DEAD!"

"DOOM!" Eddie roared, shooting his gun. The bullets chased after Doom as he got away. The bullets all then looked at each other.

"Which way he'd go?" one of the bullets asked.

"Well I dunno!" the other one shrugged. "He went that away!"

"Let's go!" the final bullet said, zipping with them the wrong way.

"Ugh, Dum Dums." Eddie mumbled.

"Come on! This way!" Jesse pulled Eddie's hand and ran after the crazed judge. Jesse and Eddie came to Jesse's car and saw the trunk open. "Oh, no, where's Rosie?"

"Rosie?" Eddie raised an eyebrow. "She chickened out on me back at the studio."

"No, she didn't," Jesse corrected him. "I hit her on the head with a frying pan and put her in the trunk, so she wouldn't get hurt." He explained innocently.

"Yeah, Makes perfect sense." Eddie rolled his eyes.

"We're obviously not going to get far in my car, let's take yours." Jesse suggested. Before the detective could respond, there was the sounds of tires screech and crashes. Eddie looked to see someone hijacked his car and crashed it into a fire hydrant. "I got a feeling somebody already did."

"From the looks of it I'd say it was Rosie, My honey bun was never good behind the wheel."

"A better lover than a driver, huh?" Eddie joked.

"You damn right, bub." Jesse grinned smugly, poked him in the chest. Then suddenly the familiar sound of a siren going off. Eddie and Jesse both glanced up the street to see lights of the Toon Patrol Car coming toward them.

"Oh crap, it's the weasels," Jesse took ahold of Eddie's wrist. "Quick this way, we'll take Gingerbread Lane."

"No, no! Gingerbread Lane is this way." Eddie said, sticking out his thumb. Benny the Cab arrives in an instant.

"So you called a cab or what?" Benny asked. Eddie climbed into the driver's seat, Jesse went to the other side of the passenger seat. Then Benny took off as the Toon Patrol car tried to ram them.

"So how long have you known it was Doom?" Eddie asked.

"Before Ms. Acme was killed, she confided in me that Doom wanted to get his hands on Toontown. And he wouldn't stop at anything."

"So the old broad gave you the will for safekeeping?" He asked.

"That's what she told me. Except when I open the envelope, there was only a blank piece of paper inside."

"So where to, already? My meters runnin'!" Benny shouted.

"I have to find my darlin' wife." Jesse said, resting a hand on his chest. "I'm so worried about her."

"Seriously, what do you see in that girl?" Eddie asked.

"There's a lot more to it than you think. Also she makes me laugh." Jesse answered simply, a loving smile on his face.

Benny drove even faster and made it out of the tunnel. They noticed too late when Judge Doom spilled a barrel of Dip onto the street. Benny screamed as his tires screeched across the liquid and began to spun out of control.

"I've been dipped!" Benny screamed as he was heading towards a lamppost. Eddie and Jesse were thrown out of their seats as a result of Benny crashing into it knocking the cab out cold.

"Ugh, that hurts." Jesse groaned in pain, moving his bang out if his face, he crawled over to Eddie, sitting him up. "You okay man?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Eddie grunted, rubbing his behind.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk." Jesse glares in hatred at the maniacal judge in front of them. “What an unfortunate accident. Nothing more treacherous than a slippery road, especially when driving a maniacal toon vehicle."

"Why you son of a—" Jesse gets up to attack him, but Doom swung his cane, whacking Jesse in the face sending him back down. He groans in pain spitting out some blood.

"Down pretty boy." As Doom was talking to them, the Toon Patrol car caught up with them. The weasels parked near them and they came out of the vehicle. "Good work, boss!" Smarty praised and the other weasels cackled.

Doom turns to them and ordered, "Don't just stand there, help them. Put them in my car. I think they'll enjoy attending the ribbon-cutting at the Acme Factory."

At the Acme Factory, Judge Doom was descending down from some sort of lift as Smarty and Greasy searched Eddie and Jesse for the will, while Psycho, and Stupid were breaking down a brick wall with pickaxes while wearing prospector hats.

"Well, do they have the will or not?" Doom asked, stepping off the lift.

"We searched the touse of them boss, the will ain't on 'em." Smarty clarified. "All we found was some stupid love letter." He held the folded paper from Eddie's jacket.

"No matter," Doom cryptically mused, "I doubt that will is going to show up in the next 15 minutes anyway.” Eddie swiped the letter from the weasel and puts it back inside his jacket pocket.

What happens in the next 15 minutes?" Eddie asked.

"Toon Town will be legally mine, lock, stock, and barrel." Doom explained. "You see, Mr. Valiant, The successful conclusion of this case draws the curtains on my career as a jurist in Toon Town," Doom gloated as he walked in the center of the room. "I'm retiring to take a new role in the private sector."

"That wouldn't be Cloverleaf industries, by any chance, huh?" Eddie interrogated.

"That's correct."

"Duh, Toon Town's right on the other side of the wall, boss!" Stupid interrupted. He and the chain smoking weasel pulled more bricks from the back wall; bright color lights, jubious singing, and eccentric happiness coming from the other side were toon-town was hidden.

Doom stepped in front of a large object that was hidden underneath a large green tarp. He placed a silver tray under what looked a nozzle with a faucet. "Can you guess what this is?"

A hiss came from the nozzle as a familiar green substance was poured in the tray. Jesse's eyes slowly widened when he realize the answer. "Oh...my god... it's DIIIIIIIIIIP!" He screamed in absolute fear.

"That's right, sonny boy!” Doom boomed. “Enough to dip Toontown off the face of the Earth!" He ripped off the tarp to reveal his contraption. It looked like a giant truck with a big barrel of DIP on the back, and it had a big water cannon at the front on top.

"A vehicle of my own design! Five thousand gallons of heated DIP pumped at enormous velocity through a pressurized water cannon. Toon Town will be erased in a matter of minutes!"

Back outside the Toontown tunnel, Benny woke up to the sound of an approaching car. He turns his head to see Rosie driving Eddie's car, which is completely totaled. She then noticed Benny crashed into the lamppost.

"Benny, is that you?" Rosie asked worriedly, standing on her seat.

"No, it's Shirley Temple!" Benny said sarcastically as he stands on his own two back tires. He screams in pain as he takes each step.

"What happened to you?”

"It was Doom and his cronies.” He answered. “He grabbed your husband and Valiant and took 'em to the Acme Factory."

"The Acme Factory?" Rosie remembered sitting outside of it the other night when she thought Jesse cheated on her. "I know where that is, get in!"

"Move over, Rose bush. You've done enough drivin' for one night." Benny said, pushing Rosie towards the passenger seat and takes the wheel. The two make it to the factory and Benny pulls up in front of the building. Rosie looks through Eddie’s glove compartment and takes out on of Eddie’s gun.

"Benny, you go to the cops, I've gonna save them." Rosie tells Benny, while shaking the gun with her hands in fear.

"Hey, be careful with that thing! This ain’t no cartoon!” Benny backed away from the gun pointed at him. Rosie then got out of the car, and Benny closed the door for her. “This is no way to make a living.” Then he drives to the police station. 

Rosie decided to sneak inside through the ground-level window. She tries to pull it open, but it wouldn't budge. "Darn. Locked." She leans on the window, which suddenly flipped open and Rosie slide into a restroom, into a flushing toilet.

Back with the hostages, the weasels went right to work to power the machine to send it directly into Toon Town and bust down the walls, killing every Toon.

"I suppose you think no one's going to notice Toon Town's disappeared!?" Jesse exclaimed.

"Who's got time to wonder what happened to some ridiculous talking mice and a carrot munching rabbit when you're driving by 75 miles an hour?"

This left Doom’s audience confused.

"What are you talking about?" Jesse asked. "There's no road past Toon Town."

Doom grinned evilly, "Not yet. Several months ago, I head the good providence to stumble upon this plan of the city councils. A construction plan of epic proportions. They are calling it: A freeway.”

"Freeway? What the hell's a freeway?" Eddie asked.

"Eight lanes of shimmering cement running from here to Pasadena," Doom explained, coming toward them instantly. "Smooth, safe, fast. Traffic jams will be a thing of the past."

"So that's why you killed Minerva Acme and R.K Maroon?" Eddie continued. "For some stinkin’ freeway? What a load of bull.” 

"Of course you wouldn’t understand, you lack vision," Doom snorted. "I see a place where people get on and off the freeway. On and off, off and on, all day, all night," Eddie, and Jesse glanced at each other, then back at Doom. "Soon, where Toon Town once stood, there will be a string of gas stations!" Doom continued his evil plans. "Inexpensive motels, restaurants that serve rapidly prepared food, tire salons, automobile dealerships, and wonderful, wonderful billboards reaching far as the eye can see! My God, it'll be beautiful."

"Beautiful?!" Jesse exclaimed, his hair and eyes flaming in anger. "You call THAT beautiful?! You’re talking about the complete genocide of my home you fucking maniac!”

"Yeah,” Eddie intervened. “Nobody is gonna drive this lousy freeway when they can take the red car for a nickel." He made a fair point. The Red car was the most popular transportation systems of LA.

"Oh they'll drive. They'll have to! You see, I bought the Red Car so I could dismantle it." All of a sudden a low rumbling sound was heard, interrupting Doom's monologue.

"What the-?"

The rumbling is slowly getting louder and all of the sudden, the manhole cover shot up in the air, alongside the green suited weasel. Followed by Rosie with both screaming their lungs out.

"Ay, caramba!" Greasy exclaimed, as he grabbed onto a large netting of bricks hanging from the ceiling.

Rosie falls back down and lands on her feet, and then quickly pulls out her gun. "Okay, nobody move!" The rabbit commanded as she waves her gun in a threatening manner. "Alright weasels, grab some sky, or I let the judge have it!" She gestured the gun to Judge Doom, ensuring the other weasels to back off. "You heard me, drop it!" The weasels did what she said and dropped their weapons.

"Rosie!" Jesse and Eddie exclaimed, the human was relieved to see was okay, while Jesse was happy to see his wife again.

"Yes, it's me, my dearest." Rosie made a ballerina hop towards Jesse. "I'd love to embrace you, but FIRST I have to satisfy my sense of moral outrage!"

"Put the gun down, you buck-toothed Trollop!" Doom hissed out.

"Trollop!? That's it, old man!" Rosie growled. "Gimme another excuse to pump ya full of lead! You thought you could get away with it, didn't ya? Ha! We Toons may act idiotic, but we're not stupid. We demand justice. Why, the real meaning of the word'd probably hit you like a ton of bricks!"

Suddenly, Rosie was struck down by a ton of bricks, the greasy weasel cackled from above as he hung from the recently cut rope that held the netting up. 

"No!" Jesse gasped as he rushes to his wife as she popped her head out with circling stars. "Rosie, say something!" 

"Oh Lookie, stars! Ready when you are, Raoul~."

"Tie the lovebirds together." Doom ordered. “Use the escape proof toon rope.” The weasels did as they were told and go to tie the married couple up. “Put them up on that hook.”

Chapter Text

The weasels eventually tied both Rosie and Jesse up together, Doom grabbed his control to his Dip machine and looked as the weasels had Rosie and Jesse tied up.

"Time to kill the rabbit~" The psychopath weasel sang as he took charge of the DIP machine hose. "I can't believe it, this is where it ends," Rosie whimpered and hung her head low.

Jesse turned his gaze down at her, full of sorrow. "Rosie, if this is the end, I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you. The truth is I only played patty cake with Ms. Acme because Maroon threatened to fire you if I didn't."

"Wait, really?" Rosie asked, her ears perking up.

"Hey, be quiet up there!" 

"Do you mind!" Jesse snapped, looking down at the weasels in anger. "We're trying to have our last moments here!" He huffed before looking back at his wife. "Yes really. I love you and only you, more than any guy can ever love a rabbit." 

Rosie was truly touched by his words. 

'What do I do, what do I do?' Eddie panics, looking around, trying to come up with a plan to save them.

Doom’s DIP machine rumbled as it’s machine turned over, Large puffs of smoke came out of its exhaust pipe. Doom came to him, knowing he had no plans to save anyone. "It's over, Mr. Valiant."

He began to walk off, joy filling skeletal being as his sinister plan was almost to achievement. Then suddenly he tripped over the spilled eye balls and landed flat on his back. The weasels laughed at their bosses misfortune.

Eddie took advantage of their distraction by slowly walking up behind the toon weasel. "Look out, you fools!" Doom exclaimed as he caught on to Valiant. The pink weasel turned around and pressed his gun’s nozzle in Eddie's chest. "Not... so... fast."

"One of these days, you idiots are going to laugh yourselves to death!" Doom exclaimed as he begins to get up to his feet, and for some reason covers his right eye.

A lightbulb suddenly goes off into Eddie's head. 'laugh to death…’

‘You know how everyone says 'Laughter is the best medicine?' Well there right. It can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it's the only weapon we have.' Rosie's words echoed in Eddie's mind and thought of an idea.

"Shall I 'repose' of 'em right now, boss?" Smarty asked, holding his pistol to the detective.

"Let him watch his toon friends get Dipped, then shoot him." Doom ordered. Then he walks out of sight.

"With pleasure." The pink weasel cackled, along with the others.

"Everything's funny to you, ain't it, needle-nose?" Eddie stated.

"You gotta problem with that, Valiant?" Smarty asked threateningly, making him step back towards a large musical prop behind him.

"No. I just, uh, want you to know somethin' about the gal you're gonna Dip." Eddie pushed a lever down and picked one of the musical choices. ‘Merry-Go-Round-Broke-Down’ blasted from the prop speakers.

“Now Rosie is her name, laughter is her game. Come on you dope, untie her rope and watch her go insane.” Everyone watched with wide eyes as Eddie Valiant began to sing and dance.

He skipped over to a broom and stepped on its end, causing the handle to whack him in the head. He did it again, this time tumbling across the room towards Smarty, who laughed at his antics. The other weasels laughed as well. Eddie then backflipped to a box of props.

"Oh lord, the guy's lost his mind." Jessie tells Rosie.

"I don't think so!" Rosie said with a smile, clearly caught on to his intentions. Eddie then flopped backward, doing cartwheels, grabbing a few weights and pranced into the center of the room beneath the tied up toons.

“This singin' ain't my line, It's tough to make a rhyme. If I get stuck, I'm outta luck, and... and...” He faltered.

"I'm running out of time!" Jesse finished from above. He nodded to the toon singer, “Thanks.” Before he juggled the weights and let them fall on his head, painfully.

Then he slipped on a banana peel and fell into a large stack of boxes. The laughter of the weasels increased as they're going insane by the acts.

Eddie hopped out of the pile of boxes on a pogo stick and bounced around. He makes one huge bounce which sends him headfirst into a dangling light, promptly electrocuting him.

Stupid was the first weasel to go. After him was Wheezy—but with the amount of nicotine in his body, it was inevitable.

"Keep it up Eddie! You're killin' 'em! You're slayin' 'em! You're knockin' 'em dead!" Rosie cheered.

“I'm through with takin' falls. And bouncin' off the walls, without that gun I'd have some fun,‘I'd kick you in the--” Suddenly the vase fell and smashed on his head.

"Nose!" Rose called out.

This made the pink weasel confused. "Nose? That don't rhyme with 'walls'!"

"No, but this does!" Eddie swiftly kicks him in the balls, sending the weasel flying into land the giant mixer filled with Dip, killing him instantly.

The machine began to roll forward as Greasy had his last laugh, nearly gagging on his and falling out of the machine.

Now it was Psycho's turn. He kept laughing wild, but laughed too hard which made him hit the switch to the nozzle and made the poisonous spray close toward Jesse and Rosie.

"Eek! Eddie hurry, it's comin' back!" Rosie cried. Eddie climbed up to the machine and slowly crawled towards the pressurized cannon. Unaware that Judge Doom is watching him from the ascending lift.

Luckily, Eddie manage to reach the switch and moves the Dip away from the toons. Suddenly Judge Doom swings towards Eddie and kicked him off the Dip machine, while also flicked the switch back towards the tied-up couple.

Doom then pulls a hidden sword from his cane and advances towards Eddie with it. The detective quickly finds a box that says sword, so he grabs it and prepares to duel when the sword starts singing.

"What the?” Eddie growled and tossed the sword away.

Eddie quickly takes out a giant toon magnet from one of the crates and uses it to pull the sword from Doom's hand. Despite Doom struggling against the magnetic pull, it was able to grab hold of his sword. However, Doom used that to his advantage to charge towards Eddie. He pulled the magnet away to stop Doom, but accidentally pulled an iron barrel from behind, tapping the detective between them.

Doom unsheathed his sword back inside his cane. "Don't move." The machine was coming to kill Rosie and Jesse as a machine was coming to run over Eddie and flatten him like a pancake. Doom was driving the new machine to run them down while the Dip machine came for the Toon couple.

Eddie struggles to pull the magnet off of him when saw a large steam roller coming towards him, with Doom at the wheel. Eddie frantically tries to budge out of the magnet, but then his eyes landed on a stack of Portable Hole' boxes. 

He stretches one of his legs towards the stack to knock it down so he could reach one box. He then quickly opens it and slams the hole trick onto the magnet. He then climbs onto the steam roller as it gotten closer, and kicks Doom right in the face, knocking him off the steam roller.

Eddie jumps to the floor and put up his fist as Doom got back on his feet. The judge simply sidestepped Eddie and swing him to the floor. The detective was surprised by Doom's quickness.

Doom got distracted by the steamroller knocking over some boxes. Among the content was the mallet the inspector used to tease Eddie. Eddie quickly grabbed a large tub of superglue and tried to hit Doom with it, but he whipped around and caught it.

Eddie used the tub to block Doom's punch. After shaking it off his hand, Doom tries to punch him again, only for Eddie to move away and Doom ends up having his hand stuck on the front wheel of the steamroller. Doom tries to pull his hand off, and accidentally stepped on the super glue leaking from the hole he punched on the tub. He put his feet on the wheel to help him pull his hand free, only to have his shoe stuck as well.

Seeing that Doom's occupied, Eddie ran to save Rosie and Jesse as the Dip is getting closer. Eddie quickly got into the driver's seat and turned off the engine in a nick of time.

"Jeepers, thank goodness," Rosie sighed in relief. "I wasn't worried at all." 

The three turned towards a scream and to their horror, saw Doom getting crushed by the steamroller. First his right foot that got stuck to it by the super glue, then his entire legs, up to his chest, and finally his head. They looked away from the gruesome scene as Doom is crushed to death.

"Well, that's what I call a flat pancake.”

"Eddie look!" Rosie called out to him as she pointed with her ear. Everyone watched with wide eyes as Doom's smashed body sprung to life and struggled to balance himself.

"Holy smokes he's a toon!" Eddie exclaimed.

"Surprised!?" Doom asked in amusement. 

"No, not really," Eddie retorted. "That lame brain freeway idea could only be cooked up by a Toon."

"Not just any toon!" The judge waddled towards a helium tank and pumped himself with air, slowly regaining his shape; then two glass eyeballs fell down on the floor. 

Eddie stared in horror and took a step back with fright.nIt's those same eyes, the same burning red eyes he saw when his brother was killed.

"Remember me Eddie?! When I l murdered your brother,” His voice grew louder like a banshee. “I talked...Just...Like...THIS!" His eyes grew large with each emphasis, then morph into daggers, pointing right at Eddie.

Eddie turned and tried to run, but Doom made springs appear at the ends of his feet and he bounced over to Eddie and threw him to the ground. Doom then opened the door to the machine and turned it back on. The Dip sprayed out of the nozzle and headed right for Jesse and Rosie.

Doom took off his glove to reveal an anvil for a hand, and he hit Eddie, and sent him flying back.

Doom's hand then changed to a saw, and he slowly started walking towards Eddie. Eddie looked around for anything to help him, and noticed a cartoon hammer hidden under some debris.

Doom took a swipe at Eddie but he dodged, and rolled and grabbed the hammer. Doom swiped at him again, but Eddie ducked and flipped a switch on the hammer, that shot out a boxing glove. The glove hit the valve on the Dip machine, sending a stream of Dip right at Doom.

All the Dip shot out of the machine, lowering the pressure, and turning the nozzle off.

"Oh, god...I think I'm going to faint." Jesse sighed in exasperation. Eddie got up and throws the mallet as he watched Doom standing in the middle of the gigantic puddle of Dip melting.

With that, he was gone. Teddy can finally now rest in peace.

"Eddie, do something!" Rosie shouted.

Eddie ran towards the giant remote, and used it to move the hook they were on out of the way, just as the Dip machine crashed through the wall into ToonTown.

The machine only made it a couple of feet when a train came out of nowhere and ran it over. Eddie can only watch as the toons enjoying their blissful lives. 

"Eddie, there's Dip everywhere! How are we gonna get down?" Rosie asked.

Eddie went to the fire hydrant valve and spun it hard as water gushed over to wash away the poison Dip. More fire hydrants sprayed the water and all the dip went down the drain, allowing the Toons to safely walk about. Eddie lowered Jesse and Rosie and unties them.

"Jeepers Eddie, that was a close save. I thought for sure our goose was cooked." Rosie stated in relief. Jesse was also relieved to be put down. "Way to go out there detective!"

Eddie smiled sheepishly at his compliment. Jesse cut off Eddie and walked towards Rosie to wrap his arms around her.

"Honeybun!"

"Oh, lovecup~" Jesse picks her up in his arms and gives her a big smooch on the lips. Just then, Benny rode in with the police officers.

"Sister Mary Francis! What the hell happened in here?!" Benny exclaimed at the sight he was seeing. “I've been a cab for thirty seven years...and I've never seen a mess like this!" Eddie, Rosie and Jesse walked over to Doom's body. Delores and Santino appeared from the police cars. Both looked down what was left of Doom.

"What was that, a rubber mask?" Delores asked.

"Yeah," Eddie answered as he passed a rope to Santino. "And this is the rope from the safe that was dropped on Acme. I think your lab boys will find that paint a perfect match."

"So Judge Doom killed Minerva Acme." Santino stated in surprise.

"And R.K. Maroon." Eddie added. "And my brother." Dolores saw his mood change and wrapped a comforting arm around his waist.

"Now that's what I call one seriously disturbed toon." Santino remarked looking down at Doom's body. Then many of Toon residents poured in through the large wall, surrounding Doom’s body.

"Gosh, uh, I wonder who he really was." Mickey observed with the others.

"I'll tell you one thing, Doc, he weren't no rabbit." Bugs said.

"Or a duck!" Daffy said.

"Or a dog." Goofy said.

"Or a little wooden boy." Pinocchio said.

"Or a sheep!" The big bad wolf in his sheep disguise said.

"Or a woodpecker!" Woody laughed his signature laugh.

"Or a pussy!" Sylvester sputtered.

Delores looked at Eddies shirt, noticing a blue stain. "What is that?"

"It's ink," Eddie answered. "That old broad Acme squirted me with some the other night. Why it's coming out now, I don't know."

Rosie jumped into a box and brought out a bottle to show to everyone. "Here's your answer. 'Acme's Disappearing/Reappearing Ink."

"What a load of applesauce!"

Everyone turned to Baby Herman stepping up in front of the crowd. "That still doesn’t solve our little problem, what about the will?" Eddie dug into his pocket and found the so called 'love letter’ he found in his office. 

Wait a minute, that must mean that…

"Hey Rosie, that letter you wrote, Why don't you read it now?" He hands the letter to her.

"Uh, Sure Eddie," Rosie happily opened the letter. She cleared her throat and read the letter.“Dearest Jesse, how do I love thee. Let me count the ways...I, Marvin Acme, of sound mind and body—

Rosie gasped in realization, "Oh my gosh, IT'S THE WILL!" The others looked excited as they realized that they had the late Marvin Acme’s will this whole time. “Do hereby bequeath in perpetuity the property known as Toon Town to those lovable characters, the Toons!”

All the Toons cheered in excitement at the fact that ToonTown would finally be theirs. Eddie and Delores turned to each other and started to lean in and kiss, when Rosie pulled on Eddie's arm.

"So Eddie! I guess this means that your days of bein' a mean ol’ sourpuss are over?" Rosie asked.

"Only time will tell." Eddie shrugged.

"Yeah, well, put it there, sweetie." Rosie held out her hand.

Eddie smiled and shook her hand, only to get jolted again by the hand buzzer. Eddie had a very furious look on his face and disposed his hand, glaring at Rosie which worried everyone. 

Rosie gulped. "Eh heh, don't tell me you lost your sense of humor already...?" She said nervously.

Eddie grabbed the front of Rosie's shirt and held her up to his face. "Does this answer your question?" He then forced a kiss onto her lips. The rabbit had a goofy, disgusted face and wiped her lips. Everyone laughed and cheered for that reaction. Jesse growled in jealousy at his wife being kissed by another man, but he decided to leave it be.

"Come on, Rosie, let's go home," Jesse takes Rosie in his arms again. "I'll bake you a carrot cake." Rosie hums and nuzzles her cheek into his broad chest. The other Toons went along and went back into their homes with Dolores and Eddie following along.

Smile, darn ya, smile

You know this old world

Is a great would after all.

Smile Darn ya smile

And right away

Watch Lady Luck

Pay you a call

Things are never black

As they are painted

Time for you and joy

To get acquainted

Make life worthwhile

So, Smile, Darn you smile!

"Oh my goodness!" Rosie gasped, slapping her forehead loudly, “I completely forgot something!"

Everyone stopped at what they're doing at the rabbit's outburst. Wondering what could be wrong now. "What, what is it?" Jesse asked worriedly, holding her in his arms.

Rosie was nervous as she fiddled with her ears. "Well, you know how I haven’t been feeling well lately, so bad that it was starting to affect my work?”

“Yeah..?”

“Well I found out why..." She gestured him to lean down and she whispered something in his ear. Every toon plus humans leaned in trying to figure out what she was whispering in his ear.

His eyes were really wide and his jaw looked like it was going to fall off. He then moaned and fell back unconscious, luckily Rosie hopped off out of his embrace. Every toon citizen, Eddie and Dolores ran over after see Jesse fall to the ground, birds flying around his head.

“Woah, what the heck did you say to him, pal?" Bugs Bunny asked in the background.

"Oh nothing, I just told him that I’m pregnant.” Rosie said, shocking everyone.

“SAY WHAT!?”