Chapter Text
Shane stared up at the sky, watching the hazy black nothingness of the LA sky. It was flooded with light pollution so you couldn’t really see much, not like shane used to be able to see back in his hometown in illinois. He liked to come here sometimes at night, at this abandoned hiking trail just south of sunny california. It reminded him of something he never had. Maybe it was solace.
Shane thinks about how high up he is and what it might feel like just jump, let himself fall down. He feels guilt course through him the second he has this thought, he thinks of what ryan would have to go through finding Shane dead like that, going to his funeral, thinking what he could’ve done to prevent this. Shane tries to bury this thought but it bubbles up like boiling water. He can’t help but feel maybe eventually Ryan would live an easier life. Somewhere he knows this is not true but the voices in his head are telling him otherwise tonight.
Shane looked at the twinkling lights below and thought of how each one of those belong to a person, he thinks about how from far away, it barely stands out from one another, all muddled together, he wonders whether each individual light matters when they all blend into one anyways. Shane hopes it does, he needs it to matter because somewhere he knows that means he would matter but sadly that’s just not the truth. The dark tendrils of his mind whisper that he could never matter.
Shane has always wanted to be invisible, be able to fly under the radar, not be so lanky and tall. Because the less eyes on him the less he needs to hide every damn waking moment. Sometimes its hard to hide, other times it's second nature. Recently though its started to become hard again and he notices that he’s slipping and he see’s how Ryan looks at him sometimes. Like he wishes he could say something, something real and just as he’s about to, Shane diverts him. Shane can’t talk about it, he just can’t. It's a can of worms he doesn’t know he can stomach yet.
Shane thinks of how tonight he left the warmth of Ryan’s bed, sneaking away from Ryan's arms in a rush to leave. He didn’t want to go, not really. On the contrary he wanted to stay in bed, feel the steady fall of Ryan's breath against his hair, his chest rise and fall beneath his back. But when the thoughts came, of how he was gonna fail Ryan, of how one day he won't be able to give Ryan what he needs, he won't be able to stay for him anymore, he won't be enough for him anymore. He needed to leave, he couldn't stay in Ryan's arms and have these thoughts. It felt like he was cheating Ryan from what he deserves.
Shane snorts and looks at the grass he’s sitting on, ripping some out and letting it blow in the wind “It's not like Im what he deserves anyway” He mummers against the whistling wind when a voice jostles him.
“I think I can decide for myself what I deserve or don't.” He finds Ryan standing behind him, his prius parked nearby. His hair is mused from sleep and he’s in an old t shirt of shane’s, it's pooling around ryan’s body. Shane thinks Ryan looks like a teddy bear, Ryan wouldn’t like to be told that though so he keeps it to himself.
“I'm sorry I left while you were asleep, It was a shitty thing to do. How did you even find me anyway?”
“I had a hunch that I would find you here, it's certainly not the first time. You were quiet all day, I was worried even before we even went to bed, bud.” Ryan says and moves to sit down beside shane. He looks at him and takes his hand in his own.
Shane lets himself look at Ryan, Ryan's is looking at him with a small furrow in his brow, mouth in a thin line like he’s trying to hold himself back from asking, his eyes are gentle and worried with something sad in them. Shane looks back at the skyline, he lets a few minutes pass between them.
“Do you know that sound of the girl harmonizing with the fan online? The soft humming with the fan in the background? Recently life has started to feel like that.” Shane says softly
“Yeah i know that one, its something…i don’t know, it feels something like drowning to me. What does it feel like for you, shane?”
“Something life that, yeah. I’m drowning and I don’t know how long I can keep my head above water”
Ryan waits patiently, letting Shane continue slowly letting him form his words, work through them even as he feels fear grip him at shane’s words.
“Ryan….I have these dark clouds in my life pushing me down, clouding me. I think it's my fear, It’s something I’ve lived with for so long that it doesn’t even register that it’s something that shouldn’t be there.” Shane swallows, scared of baring this exposed part of himself to Ryan, carefully hiding his thoughts about suicide, knowing that would be too much for tonight “I’ve never been enough in my past relationships for my partners. They always think I'm holding myself back from them and Its this fear. Its always this fear, this dark fear of being alive. When I was a kid I used to write all the ways I could die, from pain levels to preferability. I didn’t realise it was something wrong until I put a razor to my skin. I know how you look at those silver lines on my thighs, You never said anything but I know you know. I guess the past few years I’ve gotten a little too good at pushing it down, but it came to a head today. I don't even know why, it just did. And i'm scared Ryan, I'm scared of how you’ll react to all of this. I don't know.” Shane finishes on a shaky breath looking at the skyline with fresh tears in his eyes.
Ryan looks at Shane and a part of his heart breaks at what he finds there. Shane, his goofy sweet Shane is scared, but more importantly he’s scared at how Ryan will react to him. Ryan surges forward and hugs him, gently lets Shane's head go under his chin. Shane goes stiff for a second and then melts against Ryan, as if Ryan is all that is holding him up.
“I wish we met earlier in life so that I could’ve been there for you, so that you might’ve written about what the future could hold. I wish I held your hand through these last few years, Shane. I hate that I didn't notice enough. Didn’t do enough to make you talk to me. I would do anything to make sure you had me by your side but know this my ghoul partner” Ryan says with a wistful smile “from here on out your side is where I’ll always stay. You never need to be okay, you don't need to hide with me. I will hold your hand through the bad days, I will kiss your tears and every scar on your body if it means that you’ll let them live freely on your skin. I love you Shane, and You are more than enough and I hope you’ll let me spend the rest of my life proving that to you.” Ryan finishes with tears in his eyes.
Shane is full on sobbing now, his heart is still tight in his chest but something, somewhere within him has eased, letting him breathe a little deeper.
“I can't believe I have you as my boyfriend, I can’t believe you’re mine and that you want me even with all this.” Shane whispers
“Well believe it Shaney boy, because you’re never getting rid of me, I’ll be like a barnacle on your back.” Ryan says sweetly, in a goofy voice.
Shane laughs softly and looks up at Ryan, he sees the love and adoration in his eyes and lets himself go soft around the edges, no longer wound too tightly. He would still have his darkness to navigate and live through but for tonight, just for tonight It was all a little easier.
Shane kisses Ryan softly and Ryan holds Shane's face gently. They kisses full with the promise of staying where the other one falters, full of love and determination, of something just between the two of them.
Shane has more to tell ryan and he knows that Ryan isn't gonna leave him alone about this, gently prodding. Shane needs Ryan to know, now that the floodgates have opened he doesn’t know if he can keep it all in again. Wouldn’t know how to do that even if he wanted to and he doesn’t think he wants to anymore. He has been alone in his fight for so long, always shouldering this burden alone. Trying to stay afloat with no life boat coming to save him, but this time the lifeboat came. Ryan came and he’s hauled Shane up onto the boat, Shane is coughing dark water and his lungs burn, but he’s alive. God Dammit he’s alive. And maybe with Ryan by his side he can learn how to live this life not weighed down by fear, maybe, just maybe. Things were gonna be just fine.