Archive of Our Own ^beta

The moment she woke up to Zhongli still in bed next to her, Ajax realized something was wrong.

He was always, without fail, up and out of bed before her. Whether to make her coffee or breakfast or just to clean up the kitchen so she could make food herself, he never let her get up first.

She sat up so she could see his face. He was still sound asleep, eyes closed and face peaceful. If the situation wasn't so worrying, she would stop to admire it. 

But, alas, it was very worrying, so she carefully shook his shoulder. 

“Zhongli?”

He shifted, before his eyes opened slightly, looking up at her. 

“Ah- Ajax,” he murmured, blinking away the drowsiness of sleep, “It seems I overslept, I apologize.”

“No need,” she assured softly, “Are you ok? Your sleep schedule is usually really consistent.”

He sat up alongside her, running a hand through his hair. “I'm quite fine, my love, please don't worry,” he flashed her a small smile, but there was something off about it, “I had a rough day at work yesterday, that is all.”

“Ok…” she murmured, hesitant, “You know you can talk to me if something's bothering you, right?”

“Of course, Ajax.”

For some reason, it felt like a lie.

“I- alright. How about I make syrniki for breakfast this morning? You seemed to like them last time.” And you're clearly in no state to be cooking.

The grateful smile he gave her this time actually reached his eyes, and she felt some weight be lifted off her shoulders.

“I do like them,” he affirmed, “That's a very good idea, my treasure. Thank you.”

So Ajax got up, went to the kitchen, and started making syrniki.

But when she turned around ever-so-slightly at the bedroom door, she saw her fiance still sitting on the bed, staring at the wall with a faraway look in his eyes. 

The sick feeling of worry in her stomach grew.

~~~~~~

They both had work that day, so as usual, they left together and shared a kiss on the doorstep before leaving. Ajax let it linger for a little longer than necessary, trying to push as much love and comfort into that one kiss as she could. 

As she watched Zhongli start his walk towards the funeral parlor, hands clasped behind his back and shoulders stiff, she couldn't help but feel like it wasn't enough.

Work was hard that day. She couldn't get that look on Zhongli’s face when he thought he was alone in the bedroom out of her head. 

He was so sad, almost lonely. She didn't know what was causing it, but something was really wrong. 

She wished she knew why he wouldn't tell her. They were supposed to be partners. She told him about the abyss, about her family, about her nightmares- why couldn't he trust her with whatever was bothering him?

She was distracted as she went around collecting debts, using a little more force than necessary on more than a few of the people she was collecting from. 

She knew that she wasn't the problem. Whatever was stopping her fiance from sharing his troubles with her, it was because of something personal to him. Maybe he didn't want to burden her, maybe he thought whatever it was wasn't a big deal. 

But that look… 

She shook her head, grounding herself, and realized she was at her desk, and that one of her agents was looking at her expectantly. 

“Harbinger Tartaglia, are you alright? I have called your name quite a few times now.”

She blinked. “Ah, yes, I'm fine,” she brushed off, “Just lost in my thoughts. Is there something you need?”

The agent gave her a strange look, visible even through the mask they were wearing. 

“Sir, it's the end of the work day. It's time for us all to go home.”

She chuckled sheepishly, “Wow, guess it is! Thanks for letting me know, agent, I was kinda lost in my own world there.” 

“You certainly were, sir,” they whispered under their breath as they turned and left the office.

Ajax decided to be nice and let that one slide. 

She put away the documents that were in front of her- none of them had gotten done, but that was tomorrow her’s problem -and left the bank. As she looked down at the harbor, she decided that she would try and find a gift for her dragon. 

It wouldn't fix everything, but a pretty rock(or two or three) usually cheered him up at least a little.

Picking out gifts for Zhongli was a difficult task- as a dragon, he was, to put it mildly, extremely fucking picky about everything and anything that had to do with gems. Thankfully, Ajax knew him very well, and therefore knew what his standards were very well. 

That didn't make actually finding stuff that fit those standards any easier, though. 

It took her a little over an hour to find two things she thought might cheer him up. 

The first was half of a geode, showcasing the beautiful, high quality amethyst crystals inside. 

The second was a noctilucous jade statuette of her god form, the tiny horns and flowing robes expertly carved. He always did complain that he didn't have one to put on his desk next to his statuettes of the adepti. 

She wanted to find one last piece, preferably made out of cor lapis, but she couldn't find a thing. Sure, there were beautiful carvings, high quality jewels, but nothing that called to her for Zhongli specifically. 

The frustration from that combined with the worry for her fiance and the underlying hurt from the fact that he refused to talk to her culminated in her being very, very high strung. And grumpy. 

So when a finger tapped her shoulder as she was glaring at one of the ponds, she flinched very visibly and whipped around, ready to absolutely lay into whoever decided to touch her without her permission. 

The words died in her throat when she saw Madame Ping standing there, not even looking shocked. 

“Ah, my apologies, child,” she said earnestly, “I did not mean to startle you.”

“No- it's alright, Granny,” Ajax muttered, running her free hand through her hair. “I'm just a bit-... off, today. It's not your fault.”

The adeptus shook her head, “No, no, it's to be expected. I just wanted to give you something I made, to pass on to my old friend. I feel like he'd appreciate it, with what today is.”

She lifted her hand, opening it to show a piece of cor lapis carved into the shape of a glaze lily. Wordlessly, Ajax took it, running her fingers over the stone petals.

As Madame Ping turned to start walking away, she snapped back into reality. 

“Wait- what do you mean, ‘with what today is’?” She asked, making the older woman pause. “I- Zhongli has been acting weird. All day. Something's clearly wrong, and I don't know what, and he won't tell me, so-” against her wishes, tears started gathering in her eyes, “Please tell me, because he won't, and I don't know how to help him.”

She closed her eyes, trying to will away the tears. 

“That silly old dragon.”

She opened her eyes to see that Madame Ping had turned back to her, and that she was shaking her head, face sad and disappointed.

“Does he not realize he's disrespecting her memory, like this? Hiding it from his own mate, really. She would've hit him over the head, if she were here.”

“Who is ‘she’? What's going on?” Ajax blurted.

“My dear, today is the anniversary of Lady Guizhong's death,” the adeptus’s voice was soft and accepting when she said it, and suddenly everything clicked in her head. 

“For at least 100 years after the war, he would lock himself in his abode for the entire week surrounding the date,” she recalled, and Ajax’s heart clenched, “He has gotten better, yes, but I suspect he is not and will never truly be through with the grief that it caused. None of us are.”

“I- that stupid dragon,” Ajax hissed, trying to force down her growing frustration. She wasn't mad at him, not really, just whatever or whoever had made him feel like he couldn't come to her about something like that. “He told me that it happened- I knew about the locking himself in his room thing, too -but he never told me the actual date. If I had known-” 

If she had known, she would've convinced him to stay home from work, and she would've stayed home, too. They would've spent all day on the couch, or in bed, and she would've held him close, listening to his stories when he needed them to be heard and filling the silence with her own when it was too painful. 

If she had known, he wouldn't have felt like he had to fake a smile, and he could've sought the comfort he probably desperately needed without hesitance. 

If she had known.

“I know, child,” Madame Ping’s soft voice reassured, and Ajax forced herself back into the present. “You are not to blame for Morax’s personal demons. Do not focus on the what-ifs. What could've been if you had known means nothing, what matters is what you will do now that you know.”

She took a deep breath, slipping the cor lapis flower into the bag with the other two carvings. 

“I'm going to go home, find my fiance, and give him the comfort he's decided to deny himself whether he likes it or not,” she stated, determined. 

“Then do so.”

~~~~~~

When she got home, she found Zhongli bustling around the kitchen, seemingly making dinner.

The ends of his hair were lacking their usual shine and his jacket was slightly wrinkled. 

Something deep in her chest ached, and she walked over to the kitchen’s entrance. 

“Zhongli,” she whispered. He jumped anyway.

“Ah- Ajax, you're home,” he turned his face to look at her, “I was just starting on tonight's meal. I bought the ingredients for Jewelry Soup on my way back from the parlor. I hope you're alright with-”

“I talked to Madame Ping,” she interrupted him, voice soft. He froze. 

“You… talked to Streetward Rambler,” he repeated, a careful sort of question in his tone. 

Did she tell you?

“I did.” Yes.

“Ajax…” his voice broke, the mask of cheeriness along with it, and all that was left was exhaustion and grief. 

“Zhongli, you need to tell me these things,” her voice was as gentle as she could manage, “I don't know why you didn't, if I accidentally invalidated you or something, but-”

“No- it. It is not you. It has nothing to do with you,” Zhongli insisted, turning to face her fully. “I- it has been thousands of years since- since she died. I should be able to handle it myself, by now.”

“That's not how grief works,” she countered, “Grief is- grief is complicated, and long-standing, and even if you have learned how to accept it and cope with it that doesn't mean you never feel it. From- from what you told me, Guizhong was everything to you. You're allowed to still have a rough time on the literal anniversary of her death.”

That seemed to be what broke him, tears gathering and spilling over in his eyes in quick succession.

She walked over, pulling him into a tight hug. “Let me take care of you, Zhongli. I- I love you so much, and knowing that something's wrong but not knowing what, and not- not being able to help you, it hurts. You're allowed to grieve. You're allowed to- to break down and cry and rage at the world, and I want to be there for it. I want to help you through it. I want to be the one you let yourself break with, the shoulder you cry on, the one who shares your anger, even if I don't, and can't, fully understand it.”

He clung to her like a lifeline, pressing his forehead against hers, tears still flowing down his cheeks.

“Come back to the couch with me,” she instructed softly, “I set up an order with Xiangling, earlier. We'll have food within the hour. I'll tell you stories about my siblings until you feel ready to tell me one about her, how's that sound?”

“I- thank you, Ajax,” Zhongli choked out, and that was an answer all on its own. 

“You’re welcome. Now c'mon, we have some cuddling to do, and I don't think I ever actually told you about that time Tuecer came to Liyue as a stowaway.”