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Nurse Bendy had known Stephanie for a long time. She always felt like she was weirdly overattached to her.
Bendy tended to be happier when she could take care of Stephanie more than any other patient.
"Oh, hello, Stephanie! Did something happen? You don't come here that often."
"So, I don't know what to do, but recently my industrial piercing has experienced swelling and redness. Rough stuff, you know.
"Hmm, yeah. That looks infected. Sucks to be you, Steph. I think I have some antibiotics to treat it. Just don't forget to not skip your doses."
While Stephanie didn't forget to not skip her medications, her heart always skipped a beat when she was around the nurse.
Even though she was ill, she had this energy in the way she walked, and for some reason she felt this weird warmth in her body that she didn't tend to experience.
"It's so nice how delicate Nurse Bendy is when taking care of wounds I have." The black-haired woman thought.
It's almost as if the blonde had this nurturing nature , where she showed everyone the love she never got to experience herself.
The people of Moralton tended to judge her for sleeping with plushies and her emotional outbursts, but they still went to her with medical problems (not all of them for that reason).
It made Stephanie's heart feel like it was being squeezed out like a lemon.
A large part of the community just went full Madonna-whore complex on her , either seeing her as this saintly figure who would help the hurt or just someone to treat basically like an object,
someone you could touch as much as you wanted without punishment ,
as if she was just a street lamp where there would be no consequence for caressing the cold metal pole.
Why couldn't anyone see her as a human?
With her own feelings and emotions?
Not just a victim, a survivor?
It all felt very Handmaid's Tale-esque. Like the poor woman was just created to pleasure men, when the worst part is no one should be used like that in the first place.
And as hundreds of thoughts sprawled into her head like weeds onto pristine flowers, she couldn't get herself to sleep. If only her crush could weed her thoughts out, like a skilled gardener…
A couple of insomnia-filled hours later, the alternative girl went to fetch some water in the kitchen , walking carefully on her tiptoes to not make a noise.
Almost like how her crush tried to walk silently to not attract unneeded attention. It felt ominous. The low hum of the fridge, the cross on the wall. Very brutalistic.
Meanwhile, Bendy was working the night shift for some extra cash. Her eyes were on the verge of getting permanently stuck, hands still busy as ever, maneuvering through skin like paddles in the ocean.
How long would it take until she could go home and sleep? The single tear escaping her eye was like ink leaking from a pen.
Not supposed to happen. Meant to be concealed, to shy away. There was nothing noble in suffering.
She always had to resist the urge to look around cautiously to make sure no one was behind her.
It's similar to when you're showering and worry someone might be behind you. You know you're safe logically but have to make sure.
Because if you don't, the memories come back flooding in like a broken tap. And there's nothing you can do. Watch the water pour drip by drip till the liquid spills onto the floor.
When she went home , she spent some time crocheting. It was very relaxing.
Tying the slipknot, making a single crochet or a double crochet depending on the project.
Yarn over , like a low hum, like a wave of repetitive motion.
A textile symphony no one could hear. One movement, then the next. A sequence on repeat. Very soothing.
Yarn reminded her of life. When you start , it's one simple strand. Maybe some childhood friends, unembellished.
Then you add more and more elaborate stitches until it becomes something you no longer recognize.
One blink and you become older , taller, and get your driver's license.
When did this happen?
I didn't have time to enjoy my youth fully, and now this? Why so quickly?
I can't come back to the past. Before, when I felt pure.
"Snap out of it! Stop feeling so nostalgic," she berated herself.
"Don't hang your head low, don't slouch , make eye contact, be courteous and polite." All of these social things made her sick.
The next day , after work, the blonde went to Stephanie's shop.
She didn't actually care about buying anything; it was just an excuse to talk.
"You're looking really pretty today, aren't you, Steph? That eyeliner is looking so good.
"Thanks. So do you want anything, or are you just window shopping?"
"Oh, nothing really, just browsing around."
The customer left a handwritten note with her phone number.
The writing was all shaky and rushed. "Must be busy or really nervous or both."
"Why does she always have to be in such a rush? It won't hurt to slow down a little. I don't know, go to a rock concert and enjoy your life. Always having to just nanny everyone around her," Steph thought.
"Why won't she just call the fucking number? It's been ages, girl. I want to ask her out on a date!" Bendy knit her brows furiously.
A few minutes later, she heard the ringtone.
"Oh, hi, Stephanie. May I tell you something"?
"Yeah, what is it, Bendy?"
"Well, let's cut straight to the chase. I'm madly enamored with you; it's like you're written in my brain in permanent marker"!
"Oh, I always knew you were fruity playing Chapel Roan in your office. Like, come on? Good luck, babe? The lesbian anthem"?
"Why aren't you answering the question?" The platinum blonde beauty blushed furiously.
"Well, I know what it's like to be led on, especially by a straight girl, so let me say… FUCK YES!!!!" The rebellious girl's voice rang through the speaker.
"No need to yell."
Hanging-up sound
"How am I supposed to trust her? I've been fucking backstabbed so many times by people I thought truly cared about me; I even wrote a song about it (Closeface)". Stephanie thought, excited but terrified of being overly clingy again.
What if she's just going to ghost me because her job matters more than the Black-haired girl's feelings?
She was already exhausted from working and suppressing so many emotions. Now this?
What if the blonde would play games and push her around and just manipulate and lead on, like a dog owner pulling the hound on a leash just to let go?
Abandon. Leave me alone.
Stephanie put on her headphones, she decided to listen to some music.
"So please, hurry, leave me, I can't breathe
Please don't say you love me
my chest is about to burst
One word from you and I would
Jump off of this ledge I'm on, baby
Tell me "don't", so I can crawl back in"
The lush, relaxing sound of Mitski's music sprawled into her ear canal, as she felt like holding back tears. Was this worth it? Being hurt again?
Isn't live supposed to be simple? I love you , you love me , happiness. Like a math formula. Love²= joy.
But no, everything leads to dissapoinment.
She always told herself she had to stay clean. Threw away all the sharpeners in the house. She resisted today. Felt proud of herself for once.
" I might be a mess but at least I know how to communicate my feelings?" She thought.
Sometimes it felt like sadness was laced with crack. She felt so finite, so limited in her human flesh body.
So much to do , but stuck in her primal brain, suffering. One time she read a book where it said the human brain was built for survival , not happiness.
And she felt that awfully clearly, because she hadn't truly felt happy in a long while.
Just sort of there, floating ,like a buoy cascading on the water.
There were ups and downs,but that's it. Only temporary. Not sad enough to be concerning ,not happy enough to actually feel content. Just lukewarm.
The next day both of the women went to church.
While there , Nursula saw Stephanie wearing her iconic flowery church dress and she looked so pretty the other had to make sure to be careful because she almost walked into a pew.
" Fuck should I compliment her or something? Or is that weird? We're in the middle of a mass,are people going to be able to pick up I'm gay??" She started panicking.
" Oh hi Nursula. Why do you look so stressed? "
" Oh it's nothing!!"
" Are you sure. I think i just saw a sweat bead roll of your forehead".
Seeing her in public like this with so many people around made her think " what if my identity is a danger now.
Someone could hurt me or injure me just because of who I love and that's horryfying".
That's the worst part of being queer in a small town. Everyone excpects you to be straight , to be this perfect wife , to "be fruitful and multiply" or whatever people say.
Everyone you turn the TV on some politician talks about the "agenda" and everybody judged you , even your own parents make backhanded remarks. It's basically surgically attached to every person, the idea that love is faulty or broken im some way.
That's how Stephanie felt in high school, where she was scared of talking about her crushes openly.
Every girl in school would fawn over boys, squealing "He's so handsome look at this photo I have!" Or " He sent me this letter! How romantic!" it was always centered around males, and she felt so isolated and alone.
Always being asked " why don't you have a boyfriend yet? What's your type in men? Isn't this celebrity cute?" when she didn't feel connected to any of that ,so she just tended to think of the first famous person that popped into her head.
Straight was just the default.
But that didnt mean she was going to repress the emotions she had brewing in her for so long.
The mass itself was tremendously boring.
"Preaching about God isn't bad but I just want to go out with my girlfriend" she thought.
To make the time go faster,she made up scenarios in her head about what she would do with the person she loved, because what else can someone do when you're supposed to be prim and traditional listening to whatever is shoved down your throat?
When it finally ended , the cacophony of messages about the Lord, both women walked out of the establishment and stared at each other intently.
" So, where are we going to go for the first date ?
I'm so excited I didn't sleep all might yesterday and ended up binge reading Carmilla." said Stephanie , so excited like her heart was going to burst into flames.
" Oh. I actually have an idea where we could go! This is kind of modest,but what if we went out on a little park date? I feel like it would be cute. Like us, having a picnic, maybe even going on some garden swing? How about that ?"
Stephanie was internally feeling like she was gonna scream from happiness. Finally? A happy ending after all that stuff she had to go through? Cause of this tiny, shitty town?
" Sure. Isn't it kind of PDA if we just randomly kiss there?"
" Eh , who cares. It's not like a lot of people have the time to go to the park anyways ,right?"
The gothic woman felt a slight poke in her chest from anxiety. Is this really safe?"
But she persisted , because she was sick of sheltering herself from the world for so long, like some sort of a medieval peasant suffering from the bubonic plague.
" Sure, fine , let's just go." she giggled , feeling electric jolts everywhere.
As they went there holding hands, some kids ran up and yelled a slur at them ,but they just kept going and ignored them.
The nurse had prepared a blanket and laid out some snacks and a few drinks , and even some home baked cookies. It was do idyllic. Just taking about life together and having something to eat.
" So, what made you fall for me ?" Nursula asked , flushed because it was just too much for her.
" You're so considerate! You always help everyone feel great and I can't help but appreciate you. With how many people have become cold and selfish from the world , you care. You bring hope to the world. Oh and you nice boobs I guess."
" DID YOU JUST-" the fair haired was started
" Yeah. Also , these cookies are fucking amazing. How are you do good at baking ?
" I have time to cook sometimes when I have time off from work. I have a huge sweet tooth and eat a lot of sweets."
The warm sunny day was so serene, both were sure this would be the best day of their lives so far.
" Oh, I'm sorry ,but I have something to tell you.''
" What?"
" I wanted to ask if you feel ok with kisses?"
" Well , I feel uncomfortable with that. But cuddling would be great!"
" Oh sure ! I totally respect that."
The exhausted, but also really happy women cuddled, and it just felt so right.
It was such a simple act, but something about the blonde laying on the chest of the dark-haired lady made them feel like time was at a standstill and nothing really mattered.
There was something do satisfying about wrapping your arms around someone you love, it felt so tender , authentic, so much different than holding a man just because that's what society expected from you. This was done fron genuine interest, and it made them feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Stephanie thought it was kind of weird to be here with the person shes always been dying to be with , since not long ago she thought about ending her life because it just felt like her depression would never get better.
Life had just felt like a chore and every movement felt so heavy, she didn't even have anything to live for. Sure she had a job , but what's the point of being employed and having money if you don't even know what to do with it beyond basically just sustaining your life? When your medications don't work, and you just wonder if your sertraline is just sugar pills.
So far , existence was just that. Existing. The same tedious do-over. Obviously, developing feelings for somebody was like a breath of fresh air. It was a break from the numbness , the banality of daily living.
This was finally a break from wondering how long she would have to endure her life.
Sure , she seemed fine from the surface, but inside she tended to feel sort of hollow. But at least now she had a reason to wake up in the morning, or better described , a person.
While she was having fun , the raven colored hair woman tended to have disturbing thoughts often.
In the middle of having a nice day , and then she would have an image in her head of someone ripping apart her ribcage like a chips packett, as if it was that easy to destroy the flesh and let the contents spill out.
She didn't know why though, it just happened. Maybe it was a way with coping of the fact that since she didn't hurt herself anymore, her brain just came up with ways to torment her in her mind.
It was always at the most random moments, like eating christmas dinner when she was supposed to be happy. Or right now, on the date she was on.
Which was pretty awkward.
Why couldn't she just not think like that? It was so exhausting.
Another thing that always plagued her mind was impostor syndrome. What did I do to deserve having such an amazing person in my life ?
Eventually though, she started to think about the good things in life like water.
Water is amazing , it lets us live our lives, but we didn't do anything to deserve it.
No one is " not good enough" for water. So she thought to herself that there was no reason for her not to be with the blonde.
Caught in the negative thought spiral, Stephanie started to pick at her nail cuticles. She knew it was a bad habit , but going out with someone for the first time tended to make her really nervous.
" Hey, why are you picking your nails ? It's okay to be nervous but I don't want you hurting yourself because of some careless kids."
" No- it's not that. It's just I've had so many things running around my mind all day and I didn't feel like telling you, because I was scared I would be too much for you and you'd be scared and leave."
" You don't need to explain yourself to me. I'm here, it's okay. I can listen."
" I feel as if it was hard to believe I could find somebody who actually can stand to be around somebody like me.
I have been struggling with depression for some time, which has made me lose so many friends.
How could you enjoy the company of someone who finds it hard to get out of bed in the morning? "
" Why would that be an issue?"
" It's just that ... every time I finally get close to someone they call me moody or edgy , or worse, complain I don't text back often when my energy is too low to even consider using my phone because it feels like climbing Mount Everest with how draining it is."
" I appreciate you being vulnerable with me about things like this. I will never judge you , talking about it makes it easier and I'd rather have you talking with me here than having to visit your grave."
Stephanie had a single tear in her eye flow down like a river down her cheek. She'd never even thought about it that way.
She hugged her girlfriend sobbing , gasping for air. It was pretty loud, ugly crying at that point but she didn't care. As long as she had her angel , she didn't care anymore. She felt safe. Something she didn't experience for years.