Archive of Our Own ^beta

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the funny thing about alternia is that you miss the parts that hurt you the most.

sure, there was good in your home — your old home, you correct yourself — people who cared, things that were important, beautiful. but in the depths of your mind, you know you miss the worst of it all. the death, the love, the hate.

your name is vris. just vris. you aren't a serket anymore.

...

let's try again.

somewhere in texas, a young spider schemes in his room. tonight you are off your meds, and it's certainly affecting you considering how strong the phantom sensation and paranoia are. you lift your arms, and it takes a second for the ghostly scars to catch up. typical.

you've felt like this for longer than you can remember. the phantom body overlapping with yours, the strange urges and feelings. something made sense when you read that webcomic for the first time, but it still took a while to collect all the pieces. nowadays, it feels like you're living three lives.

your human life, the one your family and friends see. your life on alternia, the one you're locked out of. and your internet life, where the two overlap, crash and mold into you.

it's on the internet you got this idea, actually. it's pretty genius if you say so yourself. if you really are a cerulean still — and you mean, look at you — maybe you can use your powers to get back home. it's worth a try, right?

so here you are, standing in the middle of your cramped room, all your trollish trappings on, about to attempt the worst, most genius idea ever.

==> vris: FUCK IT UP!!!!!!!!

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now or never, vris.

you put your hands to the sides of your head — feeling slightly embarrassing and silly — and concentrate. you reach inwards, dredging your mind until something clicks and you start to feel dizzy. you stumble, trying to regain your balance, to reach out and grasp at the feeling, to chase the only lead you have. this is going better than you thought it would, and you can't lose it now. it feels like there's voices just out of reach in your pan, people calling out to you, trying to reach you.

whatever clicked before snaps.

there's a rush of air from your open window [when did you open it?], curtains fluttering, the litter on your floor twirling and rolling across the room like artificial tumbleweeds. it was dark out — almost midnight — but somehow it's pitch black in an almost tangible way now. then, the wall around the window melts away, tearing and flapping like thin fabric. there's a pull towards this... thing, a magnetic feeling like you've only felt in your lowest moments.

this is it. holy shit, you did it.

you stand, dumbfounded, as the short brown hair of your human form whips around your head like a messy, slightly greasy halo in the vacuum wind of the thing before you. wormhole? portal? tear? whatever it is, it's your ticket out. you can feel it whispering to you, urging you back home, back to where you belong. back to the messy, the awful, the comfortable.

alternia is waiting for you.

laughter, excited and disbelieving, bubbles up inside you. you're actually going home! you square your shoulders, stride forward...

and trip over the clutter in front of the window, falling facefirst into the wormhole/portal/tear/gate/thingy. it's not the most graceful entry, but it seems to work as you fall. and keep falling. down, down, world getting darker around you as the window shrinks behind you.

the wind flows past surprisingly slowly, like you're falling in slow motion. for a while it's just you and the darkness, so enveloping it feels like you don't exist. you could be falling for days or just minutes — you never had the best time awareness anyway — but suddenly, you see it.

a light, far beneath you.

you twist through the air, maneuvering yourself until you're drifting headfirst towards the light. you crane your neck upwards [or are you looking down?] as the speck gets bigger, brighter, so bright you can barely keep your eyes open. it washes over you, the smell of dry air and a strange prickling sensation across your skin, warm and not at all unpleasant. it's like being embraced, enveloping you and smothering the sensation of your body. it's just you and the light of your home, shining through your eyelids and piercing your brain.

everything is warm, then hot, then burning as you feel your body twist and change. the light grows brighter still, dyed red and orange like an angry flame, consuming your old self in a blaze. you feel your horns as they burst through your skin, rapidly growing and twisting into shape, cutting through your thoughts like a lance of pain.

you try to scream, but your throat is still being remade, molded to your new reality. all that comes out is a scratchy and weak high pitched keening sound, like a dog whining. you feel raw all over like a falling star, careening towards some new life. you want to open your eyes but it's all too much, too bright, too close and all-encompassing.

you're terrified.

and then, it's over. the light withdraws, dims, the temperature dropping. you're colder now, and as you open your eyes you see the stars of a familiar sky. you sit up, every muscle sore and aching, your hand sliding on coarse sand.

"eye'm home," you croak out, and the stars above the desert twinkle like they missed you too.

==> vris: welcome home

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despite never having been to the deserts, despite the sun slowly and unforgivably warming the skies behind you, and despite the ache in your muscles...

in spite of it all, something calls your pusher like north to a compass. it aches and warms you, pulling you to keep moving, keep walking, keep going. you could pretend you don't know where it's taking you, but you know, somewhere deep inside. only one person lives out here.

you walk for a long time, stumbling on new legs through a new world. the sand sticks to your sweat, the wind burns your skin, and yet you wander on. the desert almost goes on forever, at least as far as your exhaustion addled pan can tell. maybe you can just rest for a moment...

and so you collapse, the sand rising up to meet you as it sparkles in the rising sun. the last thing your blurry eyes see is a tall, white obelisk, rising from the ground like the rib of some great beast, and then the dark sets in like blackout curtains closing around you.

***

as your body most likely burns in the harsh alternian sun, you dream.

she's by your side again, laughing and smiling. she forgives you. you wish you could feel the same about yourself. you wish you didn't know this was just a dream. you smile and it's hollow.

everything moves like water, slowing you and your mind, until you can only watch as you fall back on the bed.

she rests on your shoulder, then tilts her head up to whisper something to you. your blood runs cold in your veins.

and everything goes black.

==> vris: w8ke up

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you gasp and bolt upright, panting as the dream dissipates. it still feels real, the weight and warmth on your body, the breath against your ear. it still feels like....

it doesn't matter. what matters is you're [somehow] still alive, in a mysterious place, and you need to get out to find-

you hear a familiar voice, humming. your pusher twists.

you turn and see Kanaya. you see Kanaya. it's Kanaya.

your entire world narrows to a single point.

"... is that you?" your voice is scratchy, full of sand and raw with emotion, but it comes out so... vulnerable. it's really her. you're home and she's here too. you made it and nothing bad happened. you're safe, and she's safe, and everything will be okay.

your matesprit is here.

then she turns around and her milky white eyes lock on yours with a sad smile. your stomach drops.

the sun comes through the window behind her, but you know it won't hurt you. it isn't real. maybe none of this is.