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I better leave this toilet cubicle before people think I’ve a dodgy tummy.
First I need one more set of square breaths because my fingers are all tingly and my belly is rolling over and over with nerves. Oh bugger, maybe I do have a dodgy tummy actually.
Come on Immy! Get yourself together! You. Can. Do This!
Standing up, I smooth my skirt with a clammy palm and plaster on my Confident Face to step out into the bathroom. Sasha and Lucy from my year are at the sinks reapplying lippy and they clock me in the mirror’s reflection, but don’t speak to me, quickly returning to their own chittering conversation. Standing between them to wash my hands, I check my appearance and am pleased I look the part at least.
This party is EVERYTHING. A proper grown-up bash at a real venue with all the cool boys and girls and I’m here because Nicholas Luke Nelson invited me.
I’ve spent the six days since that magical moment in a state of Full Tizzy. An extensive beauty regime began immediately, since my gradual tan needed ample time to build to a naturally artificial glow. I’ve shaved pretty much anywhere I can reach, attended appointments for hair, nails, brows and lashes and tried on about 50 outfits. The wages from my Saturday job are completely wiped and I reckon Mum is ready to throttle me for being ‘such a flipping drama queen’, but it will all be worth it if Nick kisses me tonight.
Now I wish my nerves would settle the heck down so I can enjoy this special night!
Problem is, Nick didn’t make any plans to come to the hotel with me, and I don’t have any close girlfriends to come with, so I feel like a bit of a lemon here alone. And, yes, I know I was invited by a bona fide Rugby Lad, and I hang out with Harry and his friends’ every morning, but sometimes the boys ignore me, so I’m a little worried I’ll be left out, if I’m honest.
I totter out of the toilets and spot a big row of coolboxes jam packed with ice and alcoholic drinks, since the bars aren’t open for us under-18s. Maybe a cheeky drink will loosen me up to go and join Nick.
Oh yummy! There’s rosé wine!
I pour a generous glugging portion into a red plastic cup, swallow half of it and refill surreptitiously. It’s cooling in my throat and warming in my belly. Sooner than the alcohol can hit my bloodstream, I get a rush of confidence and stride into the main ballroom in search of Nick.
OMGOMGOMG! The main room is incredible.
Massive chandeliers dance with rainbow sparkles reflecting off the disco lights, and the faint mist from the smoke machine creates a dream-like quality. Hundreds of balloons are tied into thick bunches on the walls. It looks so special.
The dance floor is packed with people, some of whom I sort of know, but many I don’t. My eyes flicker between the girls wearing amazing dresses and jewellery, their hair pinned or curled into elaborate styles, and their faces accentuated with striking make-up and glitter.
Harry and the lads are pretty noticeable even amongst this packed space. They’re play-fighting and doing silly dance moves and generally being immature boys, as always. But at least I know them, so when Sai gives me a big friendly wave, I beeline towards their group.
“Hi guys! Happy birthday Harry!” I babble quickly. Gosh, why am I so nervous? And why isn’t Nick here?
Harry grins and his eyes skate down the length of my body. Suddenly I’m worried my dress is too low-cut. Cosmopolitan magazine says to display either your legs or your boobs, but my mum tells me to ‘flaunt it while I’ve got it’, so here we are!
“Alright Imogen? What’s good?” I don’t have a chance to reply to Harry’s lacklustre greeting before he’s turned back to crack jokes with Aaron beside him.
Thankfully, Christian shouts across the group to include me in the chat. “Immy, you might know this since you’re at Higgs. Is Tara Jones single? She’s well fit!”
My cheeks flush, which is pretty normal when the boys are talking about the girls they fancy… which is most of the time. I push a giggle out. “Umm, I don’t really know. I don’t know Tara well, but yes, she’s so pretty!”
Harry interjects with a snort. “You’ve got competition there, Immy! Nick and her snogged one time, but she’s even hotter now, so I reckon he might wanna tap that tonight.”
My face crumbles but instead of comforting me, Harry digs in deeper. “Don’t worry, your tits are better. Thanks for getting them out as a present actually, very kind.” The group breaks into a loud collective laugh and I cover my chest protectively with folded arms, tempted to burst into tears.
Ben leans closer to me and speaks directly into my ear, “Do you want to go and get a refill of our drinks?” His smile is soft and his hand on my arm is gentle, so I’m reassured he’s protecting me. I nod in response.
We weave through the crowd back out towards the coolboxes and he hands me the opened wine bottle as he fills his own cup with ice cubes and prepares a mixed drink. My need to cry has subsided a little now, at least.
“Sorry about that back there, you know Harry can be a twat.” We giggle together, because, yes, Harry really can be a pain in the backside.
Once our laughter settles though, I’m immediately uneasy again and ask Ben timidly, “Do you think Nick likes Tara Jones? He asked me to come to this party tonight. I don’t understand.”
Ben takes a sip of his drink. “Look, if he asked you to come to the party, he must like you , not Tara. Harry is stirring shit for drama because no girls here have shown any interest in him. How about we down these quickly, get another one ready, and head back in there and show him he hasn’t bothered you?”
A cheeky grin accompanies his suggestion and it soothes me. He’s always been such a lovely person. Giggling, I raise my cup and swallow a hefty mouthful of chilled wine. He mirrors me and we take another swig each.
I scrunch my face and laugh as the sour alcohol flavour burns.
Ben refills our cups and rests his hand in the middle of my back to help to guide me back to the party. The atmosphere is more misty now, the lighting blurred, and the beat of the music synchronised with my thudding heart. The wine has taken me out of my head a little and it’s freeing to be present in the moment.
Holding Ben’s hand, we regroup with the boys and a couple of girls from my year who’ve joined them. Sahar is here now and we swap genuine smiles, but don’t chat. She’s regaling Otis with a funny story, her eyes and smile both open wide as she gesticulates animatedly with her hands. She’s always been like that. Effortlessly captivating.
Everything about me is effort.
Maybe that’s why we aren’t close anymore. Maybe she saw through the character I put on and didn’t like the real thing. It’s such a shame, because I liked her more each time she revealed a new detail to me. Maybe someday I’ll understand what happened, but probably not. I’m too chicken to ask and she may not care enough to remember.
Aleena is dancing on her own beside Sahar. “Can I dance with you?” I ask.
I’m not sure what the right thing to do is, at a real party, but I wonder if I’ve said something stupid because she furrows her brows a little before replying, “Yeah, course.”
Gulping another splash of wine, I allow myself to sink into the music for a few minutes. Aleena has amazing rhythm, her hips swaying in time with the beat, and she mindlessly sings the lyrics and looks wholly at ease. I try to copy her as best I can, and soon forget to have to try.
After a couple of songs, Nick appears through the crowd and I launch myself at him with a big hug. God, he looks so cute. He doesn’t look me up and down like the other boys did, which is a relief in a way, but also makes me uneasy that he doesn’t think I look hot.
Aleena and I dance along with older girls I don’t know. Now and then Ben appears with drinks for me like a sweetheart. The alcohol’s definitely affecting me because everything’s gone swirly and my brain is whirring slower than usual.
My body is fluid and pliable, and I wonder if maybe I have got rhythm too. I run my hands over my body as I move and it feels sexy? At least, when Aleena does it, she looks sexy, so I hope it might work for me too. I can sense eyes on me from the boys group and my worries about showing off both my tits and legs have disappeared.
The track changes into ‘Clearest Blue’ by Chvrches, and the atmosphere reaches a fever pitch. This was used for one of our dance club routines last year so a lot of the Higgs girls know the song and, for once, it’s like I’m part of a big community rather than loitering on the sidelines.
There’s Nick.
Everything has been building to this moment. We’re here together. I feel amazing. It’s now or never.
Bounding over to him, I wrap my arms around his neck and greet him excitedly, “Nicholas! Come dance with me!”
“I can’t dance,” he replies with modesty.
“I don’t care.”
We’re looking into each others’ eyes and it’s like I have a fish flopping around in my tummy. We hold hands, he spins me round and I dance for him, craving his eyes to drop lower to my mouth, or my breasts, like the other boys’ do.
Instead, he says. “Sorry, I have to go. I was just looking for someone.”
I won’t lose this moment. Nick’s shy and sweet, but so am I, and I think this is our time, so I plead, “No stay with me. I wanna hang out with you.”
My arms are wrapped around his neck again and our faces are close together. I could press my body against his from here. He gulps, like he’s building his nerve, so I help him along.
“Do you like me?”
“What?”
I lean closer, speaking more directly into his ear now, giving him the intimacy and privacy we both need to make a move. “I really like you, Nick.”
We’re still joined when I reassure him, “You don’t have to reply right now, I just wanted you to know.”
He nods, smiles softly and answers, “Okay. I’m going to go and find my friend.”
Nick walks away and the realisation I’ve confessed my feelings to him hits me like a euphoric wave. It’s big and brave and full of promise. Aleena and I squeal at each other and throw ourselves back into dancing.
At the peak of the song there’s a ripple of excitement where people stop dancing and turn in the same direction, nudging each other, whispering, gossiping and pointing. I turn around to follow the action and see Tara Jones and another girl making out in the middle of the dance floor, rainbow lighting beaming across them as if the party was designed for their moment. All the air leaves my lungs, and I stand stock still watching them. I’ve never seen two girls kissing in real life before and it’s beautiful. They’re so beautiful together.
The song changes and my euphoria ebbs away, leaving an uncomfortable awareness that Nick is gone again and didn’t return my feelings. Tara and the girl have separated and rejoined a dance circle, but I’m still watching them with a sense of loss I can’t put my finger on.
I stumble out of the ballroom, parting the crowds with my hands and slurring a bit as I say, “Excuse me. Pardon.” I sway towards the drinks and grab a can of premixed cocktail from the coolbox. It is fruity and refreshingly cooling after the heat on the dance floor. I guzzle it quickly and chuck the can into a nearby bin.
Oh no, I’m really drunk.
The lighting here is harsh and I lift my compact mirror from my handbag and squint with one eye to get a clear view of myself, and it is not good. My mascara looks smudged and my lip liner is lonely without any lipstick left for company. Oh well, c’est la vie!
I stumble back into the party in search of Nick, but see Lauren and Becky from my French class dancing together and approach them.
“Hi girls!” I chirp cheerfully. Their greetings in return encourage me to dance beside them. “Are you having fun?”
I think Lauren narrows her eyes at me, but I’m so drunk now it’s hard to tell. “Yeah, it’s amazing! Where’s Nick Nelson? I thought you were here on a date with him?” I’m pretty sure she’s smirking.
“Yeah, I saw him earlier and we danced together, but I’m not sure where he is now.”
Lauren looks pointedly towards Becky and they giggle. I don’t know what’s going on but my tummy’s unwell and my vision is blurry. I try to dance through it, smiling and singing along with them, but it all goes tits up, literally, within one song.
One second, I’ve my hands above my head, embracing the music and looking up at the rainbow lighting, the next, my back and bum ache with the impact of hitting against solid wood flooring, and there’s a faint but disconcerting breeze around my underwear, which suggests my skirt’s round my waist.
Oh bugger. I must have fallen down.
I need to get off the floor immediately, but crippling mortification and bloody rosé wine have me frozen here with my knickers on display. Some bitchy girls are taking photos and pointing at me and I want this floor to open up and let me fall down into the hole it leaves.
“Are you OK?”
I turn my head towards the kind voice, and a girl I don’t recognise is crouched down beside me with a bronzed hand outstretched to help me up. She has dark hair cut up on one side and her ears doubly pierced at the top, which I would never be brave enough to have. And her eyes. They’re deep brown and have these amazing long black eyelashes I’d kill for. She’s just, really cool.
I tentatively put my hand inside hers and she helps me lever myself to standing while pulling my skirt down. I feel like a silly idiot and know my face is flaming red.
“Thank you so much. I’m a bit drunk and so embarrassed and you seem nice and cool and…”
She cuts off my rambling, by booping her index finger off my lips. It’s childish, but also so unexpectedly intimate that I shiver all over.
“How about we start with, ‘Hi, I’m Raine’.” She lowers her finger and continues. My hand is still in hers and it’s keeping me safe. “I’ve seen you with Higgs people, but I don’t know your name.”
Her friendliness is unfamiliar. Girls never seem to like me.
“Oh, I’m Imogen, or Immy. I’m in Year 12.”
She gives my hand a squeeze and smiles widely. “Great to meet you Immy-in-Year-12. Now, should we go and get water?”
I nod meekly, relieved to follow her to the bar, or anywhere.
Raine strides towards the cool boxes confidently, pulls out a water bottle and opens it for me before reaching for a second one for herself. I watch with my jaw slack as she drinks almost half the bottle straightaway, seeing her lips moisten with the fluid and her refreshment evident in her satisfied exhale, once she lowers the bottle.
She looks directly into my eyes and coaxes, “Drink up, babe. It’ll help.”
So I do. We talk a little in between mouthfuls, but mostly it’s quiet and easy, which is unusual for me. People expect me to chatter. They seem comfortable so long as I’m the one putting myself on display.
“Are you good friends with Harry?” Raine’s face implies she would be unimpressed if I were.
I want to impress her. “Umm, not really. We hang out a bit before school, along with the other rugby lads, but not much else. Nick Nelson actually asked me to come with him. Do you know him?”
Something flashes in Raine’s dark eyes and the silence before she responds isn’t so comfortable anymore. “Oh, yeah. I know of him. A lot of girls in my year fancy him.”
I’m proud I’m here as his date, maybe, and want Raine to be impressed and think I’m cool so I say, “Oh yeah, mine too. I was chuffed when he invited me!”
Her arms are folded across her body and she looks a bit smaller. It occurs to me maybe she has a crush on Nick too, and I shouldn’t be boasting.
She replies non-committedly, “Cool, yeah, that’s cool.”
I worry Raine might leave me, and I don’t want her to, so I rack my brains for a new topic to keep her here. I don’t think of anything in time though, because Nick reappears down the wide staircase.
He looks upset, but greets me with a watery smile. Pasting a high-wattage smile onto my face in return, I exclaim, “Nicholas! You’re back! Do you know Raine?”
Nick turns his head to her and smiles, but replies, “No, I don’t think we’ve met. Hi.”
Raising her hand in a greeting, Raine says to me, “I best get back to my friends. Take care, Imogen.”
Then she walks away.
Nick steps closer to me and asks, “Hey, are you doing okay? I got a message saying you’d fallen down.”
I giggle, more amused than ashamed now, and flattered Nick’s come to find me and take care of me. “Yeah, I went a bit over my limits on the wine and fell over in the middle of the flipping dance floor. My bum’s a bit sore actually!”
His smile is lopsided and doesn’t reach his eyes, but I’ll take it.
“I’m not feeling great and my mum’s coming to collect me. I’m sure she could drop you home, if you’d rather go?” His concern is sweet and it makes butterflies flutter in my belly.
“Umm, yeah. That would be amazing, actually. My dad can’t come for another hour and I think I’ve made a bit of a fool of myself!”
He nods, his usual bashful blush on his freckled cheeks. “Cool, I’ll ring Mum now and let her know.”
🌸🌸🌸
The next morning I replay the night in my mind, thinking about Sahar and Raine and Tara and that girl she was with, and Nick of course. A chime from my phone interrupts my reflections.
Ben (09.18) So Nick took you home from the party? 😏 It was definitely a date.
Me (09.19) 🤣 Ha, I don’t know! We didn’t kiss or anything.
Ben (09.20) Well, we’re going to the rugby match this weekend. That’s your chance to ask him out properly! Make sure it’s a date this time! 😅
Me (09.20) Yeah, sure, maybe!
Oh my goodness, Immy. What have you got yourself into now?

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