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Jason is sitting at the table as Alfred prepares tea. He came here to deliver a letter to Damian, context not important.
You can’t really come here at the penthouse, which was the Bats new residing location after B was gone and ignore Alfred. The Bats were staying at the penthouse because in their words they couldn’t stay at the manor. Alfred goes back monthly to clean it, which somehow came up during the conversation.
Jason was feeling a bit off foot during this meeting, despite than never being the case with Alfred. He’s been keeping his distance but he couldn’t stay away from Alfred forever, it’s Alfred.
“So Master Jason, your absence was known. I’m glad to see you showing your face around again.’’ Alfred is puring sugar in the tea as he speaks. It’s three spoons of sugar. Just as Jason takes it. He finds it too sweet otherwise.
Alfred’s concern for him was welcome. A smile crept up on his face, Alfred was the only one who could bring it out of him. “Thanks, Alfred. I just didn’t want—conflict. I… How are you. Alfred?’’
Jason wondered how Alfred was doing, he was always taking care of everyone but who was taking care of him? He didn’t let others worry about him but Jason couldn’t help it.
Alfred was basically B’s second father even if no one said it out loud.
“Alfred? Why all the formalities Master Jason? Alfred is just fine. Everything has been changing but let’s not change us. That’s my answer, Master Jason. I’d like things to stay the same.’’ Alfred responded, he wasn’t being defensive like B would be.
Alfred is always honest, says things just as he sees them, meanwhile getting B to fess up about stuff is a war on his own, it’s a war he didn’t want to take part in, he didn’t want to be B’s soldier.
A good soldier is what B saw him by in the end regardless, his biggest failure.
That’s funny, since Joker’s heart is beating. How is Jason worse than Joker but B always chose the bastard.
“But things have changed, haven’t they?’’ Jason asks, how could he pretend things are the same when nothing is.
“I suppose so, my boy.’’ Alfred says gently, he hands Jason the tea, it’s not as hot anymore and it won’t burn his tongue trying to drink it.
There’s a long comfortable silence, two people just taking comfort in each other’s company.
Jason drinks his tea, he won’t ever waste anything Alfred makes for him, it’s delicious and familiar.
He finally gets the words out because once he heard them, he thought. This fits Alfrerd perfectly.
“Ya know, I don’t wanna get into what B and I had—because it was complicated and I miss him. I do.’’ His voice starts to crack but he continues.
“A woman who lost her spouse is called a widow. A man who lost his spouse is called a widower and a kid who lost his parents is called an orphan. I know what it’s like to be an orphan.’’ His voice is breaking, but he pushes through.
“But there’s no word for a parent who lost their kid. know why?’’
He’s managed to finish his words, he wants Alfred to finish it for him.
He can see from Alfred's sorrow that he understands what he's trying to say.
“It’s because no word can describe it.’’ Alfred finishes the sentence for him, just as Jason intended.
Jason nods teary eyed. There’s no word in the world that can describe the excruciating pain.
Some may turn a blind eye to the grief to protect themselves and survive from this unbearable parting. however, turning a blind eye, the passing time or all the other things you are trying cannot help you overcome this sadness.
It’s gonna stay there for Alfred a long time, Jason will just be there to land a helping hand. He doesn’t need helping himself because he and Bruce weren’t like Alfred and Bruce—it’s different for them, much different but that’s life. C’est la vie.
“My boy, I love you so much.’’ Alfred comes to hug him. His grip is so gentle and welcoming Jason can’t help but melt into it.
They stay like that until Jason decides to bid his goodbye, Alfred is reluctant to let him go and he hands Jason lots of homemade food to go. Jason can’t refuse Alfred.
Private messaging between Jason and Dickface
Dickface: Can we talk before you leave?
Jason: What?
Dickface: You heard me, Jason. Cmon??
Jason: Ok.
Dickface: Ty.
Jason didn’t even get a second before Dickface started his weird rant. Weirdo.
“Why did you come all the way here, Jason? I mean—Alfred could’ve come to you, and then that would have been that, so forgive me for asking but why, now?” Dick asked, almost demanded. His brows were furrowed, he wasn’t beating around the bush, was he?
“It’s because Talia doesn’t trust you, why else would I be here?” He bit the words out, each syllable tasting like ash on his tongue, because it was a fucking lie but he wasn’t about to spill his guts to Dick Grayson.
“I call that bullshit, I know you. You wouldn’t come here if you had a choice not to, so you’re here for a reason.” Dick prodded him, jeez he wasn’t going to let things go, was he? He wasn’t just going to shut the fuck up, not after the last time.
“I came here to deliver that letter to Damian, but I also came here for other reasons, well, you know about what.” He was twiddling his thumbs around, trying to not move his hands. He didn’t like admitting his faults when it came to Dick Grayson but this is something that required an apology.
Dick might let things go, but he couldn’t do that. Dick deserved an apology but how do you apologize to someone who used to be your brother—or brother-shaped or someone who was never a brother but you might’ve been brothers, someday. Not anymore, the chance for that is too long gone.
“No, I don’t. I don’t know much about you these days, you just disappeared, Jason. You caused a mess and disappeared, and I had to clean up that mess.” Dick’s jaw was clenched. His voice had an edge to it. That Nightwing—well now, Batman edge. He’s fucking Batman, now. Bruce isn’t the guy in that cowl anymore, it’s Dick’s blue eyes who overlook Gotham.
“Jeez, I have to spell it out for you, didn’t I?” He mumbled. His voice had reluctance to it, he was rubbing his palms. “I came here to apologize. I shouldn’t…I shouldn’t have.” He couldn’t look at Dick, he couldn’t get the words out fully, despite mulling over them for hours in his mind.
“Wow, I didn’t think those words were in your vocabulary.” Dick ended up saying. Seriously, he’s such an asshole, because Jason was spilling his guts out and he had to rub the salt in.
He’s such an asshole but he’s right. This time, he’s right, other times he won’t be. Or Jason hopes he isn’t, he doesn’t want to apologize to Dick the next time.
“The cowl is yours, not mine. Gotham needs Red Hood. I just forgot that. I don’t know why I thought Batman could ever be me—Batman has it’s purpose but so does Red Hood.” Jason finally gets the words out, Dick is Batman now, he’s not his Batman.
His Batman is gone.
He doesn’t know how to feel about the fact that Bruce is dead, that the Batman he was, won’t ever lecture him ever again. It’s fucking stupid, isn’t it? To think about your dead d—the person who used to be your dad. Bruce hasn’t been his dad ever since that warehouse.
There was only Batman ever after, only Batman turning to look up at him.
Spitting words out that Jason didn’t want to hear, won’t ever get the chance to hear ever again.
One day, he’s going to forget the voice. He forgot Catherine’s voice, he forgot Willis’ voice. He can remember them, remember their faces. He remembers Bruce’s face. He will have Bruce’s photographs, the videos of him. He’ll have audio recordings of him but that won’t be Bruce. Not really. just the person Bruce was.
His other children will remember Bruce’s hugs. They remember how firm and gentle his hugs were. How gentle he held them to the people he cared for, the Bruce that died for them—is their dad Bruce. They get to remember their last memories of him and he’s just their fucking dad.
The realization stings, it’s why he can’t work with Dick, the Batman Dick is going to grow up to be. Bruce had so many years before he became the Batman he was, each version different than previous.
They live in a penthouse now; Dick, Damian and Alfred. Dick is probably going to be what Bruce was to Dick. A brother who’s eventually going to become a father.
Jason doesn’t fit into this family, he doesn’t fit into this new version of them. The family they become after Bruce died.
He and Bruce weren’t even a family. Not anymore, the last time he saw Bruce, they fought, about the same things. They went in circles, always spinning but never landing. Jason wonders if there was ever a destination for their relationship.
Would they have stopped talking eventually? He can’t answer that, he can guess—but there won’t ever be an answer. Bruce left, Bruce is dead. Dad is dead. The dad he had at 15 will never come back, he died when Bruce’s heart stopped beating.
He doesn’t even know if Bruce loved him anymore. He’s so unsure about that. He died knowing Bruce loved him, Jason hoped Bruce died knowing despite everything, Jason did love him. He can’t stop loving Bruce, even if he made so many mistakes, said so much vitriol.
“It doesn’t cost me anything to forgive you Jason, so I will.” Dick is looking at him, seeing something Jason doesn’t understand. Jason didn’t come here for Dick’s forgiveness.
He came here to deliver and he did—both the apology and the letter. A letter that’s none of his business. A letter from Talia to Damian, he’s not interested in prying in their relationship. Their relationship is theirs, just like he and Bruce’s was.
Whatever happened, however it happened. The grief won’t leave Jason, he’ll just drift seamlessly with it. Maybe find a use for it, he found a use for that crowbar. This will be useful one day aswell, he doesn’t want to be miserable about Bruce if it’s for nothing. But grief is a shithole like that—just making you miserable for no reason other than, just because. That’s the price we pay for love, or maybe emotions. Jason doesn’t care to dwell on what grief is for.
“I’m gonna leave, give Alfred my best okay?” Jason ends up saying, he’s glad to be done with this conversation and done for Bats—at least for now, they’re truly never going to leave him. That’s that. Bats and stupid birds.
”Hmm, okay. Goodbye, Jason.” Dick mumbles back. Jason heads out, done with emotions for today. Here’s to incoming emotional constipation. Cheers.
Unbeknownst to Jason, he keeps looking at his brother, until he hears the shut of the door.
He never thought he’d hear Jason apologize, particularly for this. He doesn’t understand but maybe he doesn’t need to. Sometimes things don’t need to make sense.
Jason thinks a lot of things, and that includes Bruce. He’s never going to stop thinking about that fool. Yes, Jason thinks Batman of all people is an utter fool, because how did he manage to die now? He’s had all this time to die and he can’t fight it hard enough to come home?
That idiot has been through Hell and that is what ends him?
It’s not fair that he’s dead. He refuses to shed a tear about it, because that means he gives a damn about Bruce but he doesn’t. He hated Bruce, he and Bruce fought all the time. There’s nothing loving about that.
He was invited to both the funeral and the memorial but he couldn't go. His feet couldn’t move that day.
His feet managed to move eventually. He manages to get through days just fine.
His Goons told him in no specific terms, to sort himself out. That’s when he snapped himself out of that.
The rage that flowed through his veins. Crime Alley had enough of that rage. He didn’t become Red Hood because he wanted to do whatever hell he wanted.
He wanted to be to Crime Alley, what he wished as a child. He wanted his goons to call out his bullshit–if he wasn’t acting in Crime Alley’s best interest.
He left Crime Alley to his goons, he trusted them—the trust was mutual. He went to Talia, she lost her father once, she would understand what to do, how to deal with this emotional weakness successfully.
Jason had no idea why anyone would miss Ra’s but that’s exactly why he went to her. She was more fucked up than him, which meant she wouldm’t look at him with scorn.
Besides she never did—judge him that is. She was the same as always, the same old Talia. He missed her equally as he didn't. It was weird.
She asked him to deliver a letter to Daman, she told him in the most vague detail possible that she left some things unsaid to Damian and she needed him to know something. It seemed important so he agreed. He owed Talia this. Not really but whatever.
But even Talia couldn’t stop him from missing Bruce. He was resigned to these feelings of sorrow. Fuck you, Bruce. He thought bitterly, you just had to hold one over me in the end, didn’t you, asshole. Bruce was an asshole that was also his old man.
What is it that Catholics said about grief?
He remembers going to church when he was young. Catherine was a believer, guess the faith stayed with him. He doesn’t think he’ll ever step a foot in a church ever again but he did believe in God at some point. Bruce wasn’t even religious so it doesn’t even matter.
Afterlife definitely exists, he knows. He has felt it. He felt like he was pulled from somewhere. Bruce’s going to be just fine, he’s fucking Batman, he doesn’t have to worry for hell unlike him.
He’s gonna miss his dad again, two dads gone. At least he knows the grave of the recent one. Two moms dead, he’s only missing one.
Willis was a shit piece of father but Bruce had to make it complicated because he could never be a piece of Willis was. He wouldn’t even ever compare them.
He remembers when he was planning to blow up the Batmobile, he thought Bruce was a hypocrite and a bastard and oh he is, but it’s a bastard and a hypocrite he realized he didn’t want to die.
There’s a reason he couldn’t do it—kill Bruce. He didn’t want Bruce to die. He made some justifications to himself as to why he didn’t do it that night and many other times he had the chance.
This is what the world without Bruce he looks like and he knew he didn’t want to live in a world without Bruce but now he does. How the tides have turned.
Damian was curious what his mother had to say. He wouldn’t share that information with anyone, it was no one’s business.
Carefully, Damian slipped the letter out of the envelope, unfolded it and began to read.
Dear Habibi,
I heard of your father’s passing. He was a great man. I know you don’t want to hear from me right now, due to our grievances. I want you to know I am thinking of you, Damian. I miss my Beloved too. I wish I could share this loss with you but this is the way things must be. You’re a son of the Bat, I will always hold our time together dear. I loved being your mother, I will always be your mother, just as Batman was your father. You didn’t get to know the honorable man he was but he loved you, Damian. from the moment he knew of you, he loved you. I miss you, but I understand Damian. I will always wait for you, if you’re ready
Sincerely,
Your mother, Talia.
He stood there frozen for a long time, then he put the letter back and hid in a safe place where no one ever find it and he wouldn’t have to think about it for a long time. He needs to make sense of whatever mother’s trying to say. It’s confusing. She’s usually not so sentimental but then it’s father. She’s always had a weakness for him.
Private messaging between Todd and Damian.
Damian: Todd, Do you know the contents of the letter?
Todd: No, swear on Talia.
Read 3:18 PM.