Chapter Text
Impurity was always a thing I had known. It seemed to have followed me around my whole life. From the moment I was created, I had one goal in mind. Win a prize, and leave everyone behind. There was no afterthought, only one first and final decision by a cruel creator, that said I would never be enough.
Never be enough.
Somewhere out there, there was a universe where I had stepped into the portal. There was a universe where she, I, never made all the mistakes I had. She never said those horrible things. She never did those horrible things. And in this universe, she would have simply ceased to exist anymore. Ceasing to exist must be a better outcome than this.
Ceasing to exist.
How selfish of me. I’ve been given every single opportunity to change myself and my ways. Wanting to cease to exist now is selfish. I’ve been doted on so much, too much. And I’m too selfish to even appreciate it, here I am, wanting to leave again.
Leave again.
It came so naturally to me. Obviously, it was. What else would he have wanted me to do after I lost, and revealed my true intent? I was always meant to leave. The day I left, I had gained something more valuable than any prize, even if I didn’t yet have it. Even if I hadn’t yet met her. The most valuable thing I had ever gained, the purest form of love, to be given to me.
To be given.
The purest form of love. It was the way that she looked at me, so forgiving, even when I did something wrong. It was the way she rested her hand on my shell. It was the way she was willing to forgive me; even after what happened on the ship, what happened in the cave, what happened anywhere, really. I’ve always been bad. It's no surprise, it’s in my bleak, fake blood.
Fake blood.
I’m staring up at the ceiling. I share a room with her. It’s simultaneously too close, and not close enough. Too close in the sense I think, that maybe, I was never meant to be forgiven, and be here with everyone else. Not close enough, in the same sense. I was never meant to be forgiven, I am not meant to be here, I am not deserving of company, and it can all be taken away. I’m a living example of just how fast that can happen. One slip-up, and I’ll be gone, and there will be no coming back. When I leave this room tomorrow, I know I will feel all the eyes on my back. I know I might catch a nasty glare. I’m sure that everyone is looking for an excuse for me to be gone. It’ll be so easy to find one.
I’ve been given a chance to redeem myself that I don’t deserve, and I’m not even appreciating it. This bed is uncomfortable; there’s too much open space for me, no matter how hard I smother myself in the blankets. I don’t know how long I’ve been trying to sleep, but it’s clearly not working. I can’t run off, and I don’t want to ruin the tranquility of our room.
I shuffle around, sitting up gripping onto the blankets, they’re still tight. I look to my right; at the other bed in our room. Mic’s bed. Just as I thought, she was fast asleep by now. Of course she was, the clock said it was one in the morning. Who else would be up at this ungodly time, other than I? It’s so hot right now. I’m not used to it, being all sweaty like this. It's uncomfortable to just sit here, but I can’t do anything. It’s best to at least try to get some sleep anyways. I can’t turn up tomorrow being of no help.