Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Summary
The one with Severus Journal.
Or
Working through his guilt at having to remove Hermione from the war. From being used as a potential pawn to gain control of the power potions master from the order.

Disclaimer
These Characters are not mine. I simply borrowed them.

Chapter Text

Dearest Love,
I don’t even know why I am writing this. I had to start something. Somewhere. To start easing my mind. Even if I found you. If anyone did. You will never forgive me.
Please remember me,
Yours, Always

Dearest Love,
I cannot get you out of my mind. It has been 5 years since the war. 5 years since the day I had to send you away from me. They knew about you, about us. My feelings towards you. Knew you felt the same for me. No need of your brilliance was greater than the need of your survival. I wasn’t supposed to survive to miss you. But here I am, merely an outsider looking in now.
Please remember me,
Yours, Always

Dearest Love,
I saw you today. You seem happy in your life. Of all the places I thought I would find you, a bakery? I suspected you would have ended up in a bookstore or at Oxford teaching. I have not braved going inside yet. I’m not sure I am brave enough to look into your eyes and see myself a stranger to you. Maybe tomorrow or maybe never. My heart burns for you, my chest aches so painfully. I rush to get a calming draught. I don’t even know what I would say to you as a stranger.
Please remember me,
Yours, Always

Dearest Love,
Bravery is something I never thought I possessed. I’ve been told many times over that I was one of the bravest in the war. I don’t believe, nor will I ever believe it. I joined the wrong side for the wrong reasons, and joined the good again when that did not work for me. What am I if not a lowly coward constantly switching to what suits me most? But today, after looking at the bakery, the name suddenly stood out to me. A name that makes me believe you not only work here but own it. Maybe this little bout of knowledge will make me brave enough to go inside. The name, Black Prince Bakery, do you even know what you’ve done? Is this your magic calling out? Is it your soul beckoning me to you? Do you remember me, or am I simply an old fool?
Please remember me,
Yours, Always

Dearest Love,
My godson went in today. I wanted to know more about you. I wanted to know if you’ve moved on from ghosts of your past. Ghosts you do not even remember. I would not blame you. I would not be mad. I would be happy for you. You deserve so much from this world. It would hurt. But it is my own doing. I would do it again. I would do anything to keep you safe. Even if it was the coward's way. I await his return to hopefully put this old man out of his misery.
Please remember me,
Yours, Always

Dearest Love,
He came back with news. You are happy. Apparently alone. I don’t want to be happy about it. But here I am smiling as much as one like me could. Why though, has no one captured your affections? My foolish hope is that you are waiting for me. I know better. He said it was a charming establishment. He wants to take his son back after nursery school one afternoon. Maybe I will go with them. Being the coward that I am, I don’t think I could go alone.
Please remember me,
Yours, Always

Chapter Text

Dearest Love,
I was in the bakery today, and yet you were not there. The employee said the owner is out on a catering job. I am very proud to see how your business is doing. Today I sampled the cinnamon coffee cake and coffee. Delicious. I did a little digging, and I think I know why you picked this occupation. Baking is a science. You cannot just willy nilly throw ingredients together and get good-tasting bread or treats. It is much like potions. Movements must be precise, folding, kneading, resting, and rising. Surface tension. Maybe I ought to try it someday. I will be back tomorrow.
Please remember me.
Yours, Always

Dearest Love,
I am here a day later than I wanted. The ministry called me in for a potions consult. 5 years and they still bother me. It is fine for now. They think I am a lonely old man just waiting for my days to end. But in actuality, I have a lucrative business. One that I do not have to run. I simply review the business as needed. But now that I have found you again, I don’t want my days to end. I don’t want to keep doing nonsense work for the ministry. Even if I cannot have you back, restored, remembering me. You are not here again today; another is behind the counter, but I do enjoy sitting in your shop. The food again today is lovely. The weather outside matches my mood. Rainy, dark, and sad. Almost hopeless. Maybe tomorrow I will be lucky.
Please remember me.
Yours, Always

Dearest Love,
I have missed you. Your eyes are so deep, rich. Like I am drowning in the finest barrel of bourbon, chasing my sorrows away. I was momentarily struck silent, shocked. You have aged some, but your beauty still shines brightly as the sun. You have stolen my ability to speak. Your curly hair, short and silky ringlets, hug loosely at your shoulders. The smile you gave stunned me further. Gods help me. Help me act like a normal functioning human being. You looked at me, for just a flash, a mere second, recognition shown behind your bourbon eyes. Then, with a small shake of your head, the smile appeared. A smile for strangers, not long-lost loves. My heart plummeted and jump-started my body all at once. I wish your mind, my spell, would release you.
Please remember me.
Yours, Always

Dearest Love,
I am back again. You told me I looked familiar today. My heart stopped as I grabbed my chest, willing blood to keep pumping. I refuse to die when I have only just gotten a second chance at life. I mentioned we might have come across one another before. My looks are not easily forgotten. Your blush was as stunning as I remembered it to be.
“I definitely will not forget them.” was your next response as you handed me my coffee.
Are you flirting with me, Miss Granger? You asked me my name, and my voice faltered, “Severus, just call me Severus.” I saw the smallest spark fade behind your eyes but nothing but your smile graced me.
“Call me Hermione, then.” I smiled back. I don’t know how much strength I truly have to come back tomorrow. But Gods I will. I will return to you. Everyday. Every month. Every year. Even if you never remember me. You are my end. Whether you remember or not. I am yours. Always. I took my coffee with the happiest smile I could muster. You deserved so much more but my heart was aching. I simply smiled and said, “Thank you, Hermione.”
Please remember me.
Yours, Always

Chapter Text

Dearest Love,
Draco dragged me from the house today. We took Scorpius with us to visit you. It had been a week, and I was sulking, brooding, as you would usually say. You would be disappointed in me. I just struggled to handle your eyes seeing me. You were the only one who could truly see me, through me. Past the evil I had to be. Past the evil I had to commit. The world has long forgotten. Though, every blue moon, a remembrance article is posted in The Prophet. They speak of the missing Brightest Witch of our Age. They speak of my doings and redemption ark. I worked hard. I saw a mind healer. I paid as much retribution as possible. To attempt to make good on all of my wrongdoings. So, you will be proud of me. You said hello to Draco as an old friend might. And, I’ll admit, I find myself calmed of the fears you might fall for his youth and aristocratic features. He is your age after all, but you seemed unaffected. Your eyes flitted to me more than him, and I almost felt giddy. Quickly, you amused the small Scorpius with a cookie and turned to me.
“I have missed you. Where have you been?” How much more abuse can my heart take before you cause it to beat its final cadence? My hopes soared way beyond logic and my control as I apologized.
“I’ve been under the weather, my apologies for the noticed absence.” Draco stood tense beside me, absently pressing closer as to stead this old fool.
“You are a bit pale, still. How about you sit, and I’ll bring you tea and a muffin to help lift your spirits?” I nodded as you gave me a polite smile.
My throat was thick with emotion at what you said. You don’t know, of course, you don’t remember. But, for a moment, I had hope that you did. Draco and I sat in silence as I gathered myself. Scorpius was finishing his cookie in the children's reading corner you have set up here. Oh, to be young and naive to the woes of adulthood and war. “Be patient Uncle.” I could only nod in his direction. Tea and a muffin appeared before me.
“Are you alright, Severus?” you asked me.
“Yes, I find myself missing someone dear to me, and today it is rather potent.” You nod knowingly.
“I’ve been feeling that way here and there myself, but I cannot pinpoint what I am actually missing.” Your gaze is off in the distance as I look to you. Your bourbon eyes come back to mine, and I beg your soul to recognize me. Quickly, brown curly hair is all I see as you hug me tightly to you.
Your arms cradle my head against you, as you say, “Whoever you are missing, I do hope you find them soon, Dear Severus.”
My arms wrap around you tightly. I fracture and desperately hold back the sobs that threaten to escape now. The feeling of you in my arms after so long is a blessing as much as it is torture. I know when we part I will not see the love in your eyes, I will only see you staring at me as a stranger, a friend at most. No love like before, before I obliviated you, before I took me away from you. The door rang as another customer came in, and you excused yourself. Draco looked at me with empathy. You stayed busy the remainder of our visit. Dare I say you avoided me? Draco asked if I was alright. I simply shook my head, no.
Please remember me.
Your, Always

Chapter Text

Dearest Love,
I hate myself for waiting so long to come find you. I had to be sure you would be safe. It was the right decision, but maybe if I had come sooner, you would remember me. I visited again today, and we talked about small menial things.
“Did you find who you were missing?” You suddenly asked me. Your voice soft and careful of any feelings that could be hurt.
“No, not yet. I hope I am close, but I find I may have to accept my fate.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Try not to lose hope. It is all we have in this world. I don’t even remember my past.” Your hand closed over mine. Though I believe you were looking for comfort over trying to give me any. I covered yours with my free hand.
“I am sorry that you don’t. What happened?” I knew, of course, why you have no memory. I was the reason for it. I did it to you, I imparted you with this sadness. My self-loathing showed its angry head then. Reminding me of what a horrible wizard I truly am.
“I am not sure. I woke in front of a local church. Barely knew my own name. But small bits came back. Childhood memories surfaced, my parents. Though were unable to be found. I know so much is missing. I can feel the gap in my head, my heart. My soul feels wrong. I don’t feel complete.”
“I’m sorry about your parents.” Tears rolled down your face slowly. Slowly, I had wiped them away, gentle as to not spook you. It seemed to snap you out of your mood as you hurriedly wiped your face and stood.
“My goodness, I am sorry. I should get back to work and quit blubbering here. Would you like more tea, coffee?”
“Please, don’t apologize. You can always speak freely to me. No more coffee or tea for me.” I spoke quietly. Nodding your head, you look to the clock and excused yourself to your daily duties. I finished my drink and bacon and cheese scone. You look at home here. Though now I can see the sadness that clings to you. I want to take it all away. Solve all your worries. Give you all you have ever wanted. Love you. Again, openly. Always. I have consulted many mind healers about it. Researching as we used to do together. They say with the amount of time that has passed it is too late for magical intervention and even then, it would be risky. I don’t want to risk that beautiful brain of yours. So, I am here doing whatever I can to expose you, in hopes that maybe my spell or your brain will release you. Maybe our connection will fix this.
Please remember me.
Yours, Always

Dearest Love,
You are not here again today. Though the worker said you should be back in an hour or two. Since coming to visit you, I can feel my magic growing and reaching out to you. I wonder if you feel it. A pull towards me perhaps. Maybe you view it as simple attraction. I remember us learning of such a connection. Once you turned 18, it was as if a rubber band snapped. You had been helping me with potions for the order. Your brilliant mind that you have learned so quickly how to brew many potions that were not taught. Not to mention, brewing with me is no easy feat. I have very strict rules. The soul connection was hard for us to accept at first. I was so old, your teacher. You are young, with the weasel, sort of. It was quickly dissolved on his part after learning of the connection between us. We were not surprised; he has always been a hot head and quick to anger. And we were friends of a sort. You had so much life to live, why would any being, God, or deity settle you with an older man? Then, on my part, I knew I would not be surviving this war, how fair would that be to nurture a connection with you, just to die? We decided to simply keep working together. Learning more and more about each other. Over a short period, we became...more. Not lovers but more than friends. We simply left it at that.
Please remember me,
Yours, Always

Chapter Text

Dearest Love,
I am back again today. Something about simply being here helps heal me even more than I thought I already was. Healing is a funny concept. I don’t think anyone is truly healed. It will ebb and flow like ocean waves I believe.
Thinking back on our time together, we continued on with our friendship, never quite crossing any line. You were now 19 and the war just kept going, and I was still old. Just older. Who had time for this during a war? We certainly did not, both intellectuals as we are, we knew that we needed to get through this war before we even approached a connection between us. That was until a rather unfortunate meeting with the Dark Lord.
During my punishment from him, all I could do was think of you. Wishing I had told you goodbye, that I had expressed something to help ease the pain you will feel with me not arriving back to the safe house. Somehow, I apparated back to you. Always to you. Beaten, broken, body shaking from the cruciatus curse. All I could do was lie there, feeling blood seep from multiple cuts and I had splinched myself in multiple places. You found me. You had felt me arrive, the pain of it. You had told me so. As my pain at this level had become like your own. Rapidly, you and a few order members worked on me. Countering the blood loss, and unknown curses that plagued me. The tremors that wracked my body.
“Don’t you dare Severus!” You cried cradling my head as potions were poured down my throat and over my wounds. Poppy screaming orders as you accioed more potions and bandages.
“Dittany now, get more. Get the blood replenisher, get the green one. He invented it dammit! Get it now!” Poppy kept yelling, waving her wand while diagnostics glowed above us. Red flashing menacingly above and across your face.
“Goodbye love.” I whispered to you, “In... another life, perhaps we can meet again. Another...time. I will remember your soul, always. I will find you, always.” My hands shook violently as I brushed your cheek. Your hand grabbed mine steadying it. Blackness took over my vision. I was so tired. Maybe just a quick nap. Or maybe this war was over for me now. This is why we did not get closer. This is why we stayed friends, right?
“Severus, our chance is this life. Wake up! Don’t leave me, please!” I heard you, Gods, I heard you, but could not answer, could not get my eyes to open. “I love you.”
I wanted to answer your silent confession, but the blackness swallowed me whole. I had already accepted my death many times over. Though at this point, I decided not to go gently into that good night and prayed to anyone who would listen that I could fight and live another day.
I awoke what I thought was several hours later. Potter was there looking down on me, telling me to be quiet. “She only just fell asleep.” He pointed to my chest, and I saw that you were laying across me. Holding tightly to the fabric of the sheet over my body. My heart ached at the stress lines marring your face. Not even sleep could give you any peace from the complications of this war, our connection.
“I will let Poppy know you are awake.”
Before he could leave, I asked, “How long was I out for?”
Turning with pity in his eyes. ” Three days.”
“She was awake for three days?!” I hissed.
“We could not get her to leave your side. If we tried, she was in physical pain. She only just went to sleep after knowing that you were officially out of the woods. It was horrible to watch her go through it. Maybe now she will eat again, too.” He stared down at me.
“What else do you have to say, Potter?” I sigh softly
“I don't like this connection between you both. She felt your pain. She knew. Somehow, she knew that you were in trouble, and it took physical restraints to keep her from apparating to you. This isn’t good. It’ll get you both into trouble.” Then he walked out of the room. I pulled you closer to me then, tighter. I never wanted to let you go again. Though at that moment thinking of what Potter said. Of our connection. I realized my only option for keeping you safe may be just that. Letting you go.
Please forgive me, remember me.
Yours, Always

Dearest Love,
I am sitting in your bakery again. Watching you work. Enjoying the presence of you. Reading over yesterday's journal entry, I was being quite downtrodden. Seeing you makes me remember good and sad moments in our life. You seem happy for me to be here as well. I have noticed you gazing at me more lately. When our eyes meet you look away, blushing. I remember how far down that blush can go. I remember our night together after I had healed. We disappeared from the order house and went to my safe haven. No one knew where the cottage was. It was unplotted, heavily warded and sat upon a hill overlooking the ocean. That night we finally came together as one. That night and the few nights after were some of the best nights of my life, but I really should not be reminiscing about that right now. It makes me feel wrong. You do not remember any intimate moments of ours. Today, earlier, lights flickered all around the bakery, some alarms pulsed quickly when you looked away from me quickly. Your magic seems to have finally woken up, noticing me. It reached out, caressing mine and I let it sink into me. Holding it, embracing it. I felt at home, safe, warm, loved. Above all, I felt I could breathe again. I am still overwhelmed by its ferocity beating against me, mad at me. Begging me to help you remember it too.
Please remember me.
Yours, Always

Chapter Text

Dearest Love,
Your magic now will follow me around your bakery. Calling to me as mine calls to it. It senses me as I am outside walking in. Enjoying grilled cheese on sourdough bread and tomato soup, on your recommendation, of course, I embrace the feeling of your magic around me. I can’t quit thinking of the final straw that brought us here. The threats, the meeting I barely escaped from. I could see it turning south.

“You have dissssappointed me again Ssseveruss.” The Dark Lord said. Bellatrix laughing beside him. “You have connected yourssself with a mudblood.” Shock is not the right word for what I felt. I had no idea how he knew. Did he see it through Potter’s mind, but we have blocked it so it’s unlikely. Potter finally got his occlumency shields up.

“My Lord, I assure you, I have no idea what I have done to offend you. I know of no mudblood.” Bowing deeply to hopefully avoid his ire.

“Come forth.” The Dark Lord motioned, and from behind him, shocking red hair emerged in the form of the weasel.

“They are soul-bonded.” He mentioned to the group of death eaters. Bellatrix laughed manically and she began to hand off the Weasel.

“The firssst deatheater to bring her to me getsss to decide how to use her. How to remind our Ssseveruss what we do with little mudbloods. Dolohov, I believe you have some sssssuggestions sssince she got away from you previousssly. Sssseverus look at plansss I have for this mudblood of yourssss.”

Images of you popped into my mind. Beaten, bloody, being taken by many death eaters. The Dark Lord taking you. Plans to use you as a broodmare for your intelligence. Dolohov getting to torture you. Me, chained up to watch. Experiments being done on you. How can a mudblood be so smart? So powerful to be soul-bonded?

My blood boiled as my vision cleared to the redhead standing behind the Dark Lord. I stared at the Weasel. Out of all the pitiful, jealous actions a young man could take, he has put the entire Order in jeopardy. Wands were raising towards me and as the first hex hit, I touched my highly illegal portkey, leaving them all behind. The words they were spewing. Things they were planning to do to you as I was forced to watch and endure. As I reached my safe house, I quickly shot off patronuses to members telling them of the betrayal and apparated to the order house. Everyone was in an uproar. Disbelief at the Weasel. His family were beside themselves; Harry was fuming. But I showed them all the memories. Quickly, far quicker than I could have anticipated, we were off.

Leaving Grimmauld Place behind. And for a while, we were safe at Hogwarts hidden away deep in the bowels of the school. The Room of Requirements had accommodated many members of the Order. You wanted me to tell you all the details of what happened, and I just couldn’t. I could not subject you to it. I told you, maybe when things have calmed down, maybe after I could accept them. You were so patient and didn’t push me again. But let me hold you tighter and keep you closer than ever. Things had finally settled again.

Please remember me,
Yours, Always

Chapter Text

Dearest Love,
I begged you not to go. I begged you to stay at Hogwarts, hidden, but you would not have it. I knew you wouldn’t. You would never hide and not help the cause. They almost got you that night. I had to stay behind to brew a potion. No one else could do it. You promised you would be careful, not risk anything. Mid-stir your patronus came to me. It was no longer the sweet little otter, but a raven. I knew, I knew it was you before the message was delivered. It screamed for help. You did not even cast it, when I apparated to you, through our connection, you were knocked out. Ginerva and George were fighting off Death Eaters protecting you.

My cover was completely blown at this moment. Growling hexes and curses flew from my mouth, eliminating every threat in the room. They hit you with a curse that was tearing you apart from the inside out. Trying to damage you permanently. Trying to punish me. As I apparated you into Hogwarts I was able to, thankfully, stop the curse and reverse most of the damage. As you lay in my arms, I imagine all the things I would do to save you. I would not put the greater good above you. You are my priority in this war. You are my reason. Which makes me dangerous. If they had taken you, I would have lost the war to save you. Then, I would leave with you, and we would never return. I know what they are capable of, and they almost had you. Took you from me. They showed me what they would do to you.

Potter walked in quietly. “Is she asleep?”

I simply nodded.

“We need to talk.” Another nod, as I cast a silence spell around you. I knew if you woke up during this conversation. You would never forgive me. Forgive Potter.

“She is my sister and now the only family I have. I want her away from this.” His voice was broken yet controlled. Barely contained emotion simmering just beneath his surface.

“Agreed.”

So, it was decided without you. You were so mad at us. So mad at me. Hexed me, or rather, tried to. I held you against that wall in the Room of Requirements. Hands cradling your face as you sobbed, shaking both of us with the force. My soul fractured at the sound. Our bodies touching together at every available space. Because I knew, I knew that this would be my last chance to hold. Last chance for a very long time, if not forever.

“I did this to my parents, and I cannot have them back. Don’t do this to me! To us. I will never forgive you!” You sobbed and hit me. My forehead rested on yours as I tried to stifle the strangled breaths rushing from me. I ripped my heart out that night, as I raised my wand to your temple.

“I love you.” You whisper in defeat.

“Obliviate”. All our memories lay bare as I took them. Your love, your friends, your magic. With you slumped into my arms, I carried you to the portkey. Tonks delivered you to a random church where shelter was advertised. At the time, I did not know where you were taken. No one did but her. She was pregnant and after she dropped you off, she took herself to a safe house that no one knew where she was. Lupin would not let her fight anymore. He did not want to risk his baby being an orphan. She was just as mad at her lover as you were at Potter and me.

After that, the hunt was on. We had to finish this quickly. We had to be done so I could get you back in my arms. Try to restore your memories. Draco, Harry, and I set out to destroy them all. The Weasel became public enemy number one. The whole Order wanted him for outing us to The Dark Lord. Even his mother, heartbroken that her son had turned on us, was the lead in finding him. To bring him to justice.

Harry had to die at the final battle. All the horcruxes had been destroyed, except for him. The Dark Lord had to kill him. We were prepared. We did lose some in the war. But most of us were able to survive. Harry survived dying somehow. None of us are certain how he came back, but he and Draco bonded after that. Inseparable dunderheads.

Though the scars of war are not always on the outside, are they? I spent time in St. Mungos after with a mind healer. Then many mind healers trying to heal myself. And then many more trying to find a way to heal you. But I had to find you first. I had to ensure it was safe for you to return. So many Death Eaters were scattered. Harry and I paired up to track them all down. Draco went to talk to Tonks. She would not tell us where you were dropped off until we knew it was safe. But when we were ready, she would tell Draco, and he would find you. While I continued to find the remaining threats to our world and build up a life for us.

I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve another chance, but here I am, sitting in your bakery. Writing in this stupid journal as if I am talking to you. I am sorry I took your choice away. I will never do it again. If you could have known what they threatened you with, what they taunted me with. I could not risk you; I would not risk you for the greater good!

Forgive me, my love. Please remember me.
Yours, Always

Chapter Text

Dearest Love,

Something happened today. While I cannot understand my surprise at your forwardness, because that is who you are, you’ve asked me on an outing. A date perhaps? Suddenly I am thankful for that Gryffindor courage. We are going to a museum and lunch by the river. I don’t know how to feel about it. I agreed because I am not lacking in sanity! This is an opportunity for me to maybe see if I can jog a memory. At the very least talk to...with you again. Expand my mind with our stimulating conversations like we used to have. Perhaps convince you to love me again. I shall not get ahead of myself. I am nervous; my hand shakes as I write. I survived a war, sending my soulmate away with no memory of me. This should not shake me!
Wish me luck, love.

Please remember me.
Yours, Always

Chapter Text

Severus

I am a dunderhead to the highest degree! What an idiot! A blundering fool! Good Gods! I have left the journal at your bakery. The musings of an old lovesick fool. Some strangers to pick it up and laugh at it. Or you. Oh Gods, if she grabs it and reads it. She knows it's mine. She’s seen me with it. Commented on it even. I told her it was just writings for work. Ideas. It will scare her off. She will ban me from the shop, from her life even. I wouldn’t blame her.

Growling, I was even faster to Black Prince Bakery. I have to get there. Maybe she just set it on the counter to return to me next time. Maybe it is still on the table where I sat. I growl at myself again as I turn onto the road where the bakery resides. She would not betray someone’s trust by reading their journal. That is not my Hermione. But is she even still mine if she cannot remember me?

I reach Black Prince Bakery and feel the clash of magic. One unrestrained, the other fighting against it. My blood runs cold as I run quickly to the door. My heart stutters. Rage boils as my magic pulses to the front of all conscious reality at the sight before me.
Dolohov. Standing above my witch. Wand raised at her. Hex after hex bouncing off her shields. Her eyes wide in terror. The shop all but destroyed around her. My journal clutched to her chest tightly.

Her unconscious shield falters slightly as I fly in front of her, erecting another stronger shield and wordless counter curses.

“I found her, Snape. Good old Voldy was going to give her to me as a toy to play with. Punishment for your betrayal. I was going to let you watch for a good while as I broke my new toy in.” His eyes alight with his perverse ideas of MY witch.

“Why are you not dead?” I growl, maneuvering myself so Hermione stayed behind me.

“I’m very cunning, you know that. Weasel helped me escape before he was captured.” he leaned around me to look at Hermione. “My torture skills know no bounds, much better than what Bella did to you. Don’t you remember, Hermione?”

She whimpered behind me as I block her again, “Don’t you look at her!”

“I don’t know you! Severus, what is happening right now?!” Her voice waivers in fear. My heart breaking even more at putting her through this again. I did not go through hell to keep her safe to lose her right at finding her again!!

“Stay behind me, love. You will be okay.” I whisper to her. I flinch at the slip of tongue.

“Oh, Love, is it? I almost made her mine at the ministry all those years ago. If only I had been quicker. Still, dear, you bear the scar of my curse?” He sneers possessively.

Her whimpers cause me to snap as hexes leave me toward him. We are evenly matched. The Dark Lord loved to pin us against one another to see who would come up on top that day. But I had not gone through 5 years of torment without my love, I did not steal my love away from myself for Dolohov to steal it.

In between wordless hexes and blocks to Dolohov. I throw a patronus behind me to Draco and Harry with two words.

“Help. Hermione.” Just as my own Raven flew out the door Weasel apparated into the store. I pulled her wand out of my pocket. I always keep her wand in my extra holster.

“Oh, great.” the Weasel moaned, “Of course you are here. Dolohov, can’t you get rid of him already!?”

I don’t answer him, but shake the wand toward Hermione again, “Take this, love. Take it and say “Protego”” I never took my eyes off the Death Eater in front of me and kept glancing at the newcomer behind me.

“What?” she squeaks.

“Trust me!” I felt her take it and say the charm. Her magic didn’t fight her. Her shield covered us both as I took in the threat around us.

Chapter Text

Hermione

A wand? He's handing me a wand! The first man I show any interest in, and he hands me a wand. This other guy, Dolohov, comes in tearing up my shop threatening me with all kinds of things. Throwing his own wand around, but no harm is coming to me. But I feel it bouncing off some shield. What the hell is going on?! I clutch the journal like a shield to my chest.

“Take this, love. Take it and say ‘Protego’”

“What?”

“Trust me!”

And trust him I did. Somehow. I did. I grab the wood between my fingers, the ivy design crawling up it tightened to the stick as my skin came into contact. I tentatively said the word, “Protego”

Something began to pulse through my limbs, the same feeling when Severus began to come visit the bakery. A blue globe started to melt over us as another random person popped into the bakery. Literally popped, snapped into existence. As I watched the dome drop over us, my vision darkened.

Instead of blackness staying behind my eyes, visions started passing by. Like watching a movie of my own life.

Me as a young girl, sitting next to my parents being told I have magic. An old man with a large beard and sitting next to him, Severus, though much younger than he is now. Me, boarding a train with an orange cat? Looks like a cat though not just a cat, no, a Kneazle. Me, facing crying in a bathroom, fighting a troll with two boys. Not just two boys, but Harry and Ron. Turning into a cat, waking from being petrified. Saving Buckbeak and Sirius. Harry in the Goblet. Being stunned in the lake. Viktor dancing with me. Ron being jealous. Me being jealous of Ron. Lavendar. Losing Sirius. The Death Eaters storming Hogwarts, Dumbledore dying by Severus, trusting Severus. It was Dumbledore’s idea. All this mess. Being in the safe house. A connection to Severus. Making potions with Severus. Fighting the connection neither of us have time for in the middle of a fucking WAR!

One memory stops in its tracks. Severus again, beaten and broken. But healing and walking slowly around the garden.

“Hey you. You’re up.” I walk down the steps to him.

“You should go back to sleep, it’s too early.” He stops his pacing as I near him. Looking up at the sky past him, I just barely make out the sun attempting to rise. Pinks and oranges glinting just on the horizon.

“Mm... then you should come with me.” I gently grab his hand.

“That is not a good idea. I am recovered enough you can quit fretting over me.” Though his hand squeezed mine tighter, pulling me a bit closer.

“I don’t think we fight this. I... I felt what they put you through at the death eater meeting. Felt all the pain, I knew. I knew what was happening. Then you popped in, you, barely alive. Broken, saying goodbye. I had so much regret. I don’t...want that for us. Everyone has so much they are fighting for.”

He interrupts me. “You are fighting for enough. I am fighting to end this. This will not end well for me. I will die in this war. That is the plan. Don't add me to your cause. We both agreed we did not have time for anything like this. I don’t want you to watch me go if we grow this bond.” Still, he pulled me into his arms, my hands resting against his chest.

“I want to fight for you.” I whisper as his lips slam into mine.

Another memory slams forward.

“NO!! I will not be hiding away!!” I am yelling at Severus and Harry.

“Ron betrayed us. They now know everything. About you, about Severus, about most of our plans. We have to change everything.” Harry yells out.

“No!” I shake my head vehemently against them. Hands grab my arms tight shaking me.

“Do you know what they told me they would do to you?! What they said they would make me watch happen to you?! They almost got you last trip! They are actively looking for you so they can use me! Use me against the order.” His smooth voice laced with venom.

“You would not betray our side over me! You would keep fighting. Keep pushing regardless. You would not risk it!” I try.

“Yes. I. Would. For you, I would. I would not let them have you. I am not Prince Charming; I will burn down the order if it means you would be safe!!” Severus's voice was loud, though not yelling at me. “I would watch Potter burn for you. I will happily hand over this entire fucking school to set you free. So please, please, go with Tonks, don’t put me in this position.”

“Don’t ask me not to fight. Not to help. I... I will stay in Hogwarts hidden. Help with research! No more trips out unless absolutely necessary. You. CANNOT. Hide me away, I have given up too much for this. I am needed! I can help!” I was whining. I didn’t care. I was not going to be put out of this fight. I can help. I can stay safe. My breath was becoming difficult to obtain. “You, you cannot lose your cool if I get taken. Promise, promise me you won’t send me away. I don’t want to be away from you.”

Words were becoming distant, not making sense. His large hands enveloped my face, bringing me close to him. Resting his forehead on mine. “Okay. Okay. Shh. We will figure this out.”

Then more flashes, me doing magic, mixing potions. Then Severus and Harry surrounding me in the Room of Requirement. Instantly I knew. I knew what was happening as Severus backed me against the wall.

“Please, don’t do this. I can fight. I can be safe. I must help Harry.” I cry.

“No, I’m sorry. I am not sorry for keeping you safe. I must do this.” His voice was icy as Harry took my wand without me even realizing it. Shit.

“Please, don’t” My hands cling to his shirt tightly, begging him to change his mind. This war is dangerous for everyone. Not just me. He cannot do this to me. “I will fight for you.”

“They know. They know about you. What you mean...to. To. Me. Put down the fight just this one time for me. Please.” His arm tightens around me as he raises his ebony wand closer to me.

An anguished cry escapes his lips. Then he kisses me tenderly, heartbreakingly soft. As I feel the wand on my temple. “Remember me.”

Panic clings to me, suffocating me. He just holds me tighter.

“I love you.” I cry.

“Obliviate.”

My conscious self, slams back into me. That bastard! That low down horrible, lovely fucking bastard! OH, when this shit is done with, I am going to ream him a new one!! Then I notice Ron..Ronald fucking Weasley behind us bouncing hexes off my shield. Another Death Eater I do not recognize materializes then my head swings to Dolohov and Severus fighting almost equally matched to one another.

“Poor little Mione having to be saved again by the big bad Death Eater.” Ronald taunts.

“Shut up Weasel.” Severus yells.

Dolohov gets a shot off that grazes Severus’ arm causing him to hiss. Slowly I stand, still clutching the journal to me. I raise my wand up toward Ronald.

“Stay down Hermione, please. I can...” Severus starts then looks me up and down. Noticing the crackle of energy pulsing around me. My magic and I on full display, our bond pulling tight and snapping to attention. “Hermione?” His voice cracks. Dolohov trying to take a cheap shot, has hexes bounce off Severus’ shield as if they are nothing.

“You are in big trouble Severus Tobias Snape.” I growl. I begin throwing curses out becoming one with my magic again. Severus and I are tapping into one another, becoming one unit. Back-to-back as we take care of those around us.

I get Ronald tied up with chains and paralyze him. He is still horrible at dueling. Idiot. The third Death Eater gets one shot close to me, and I scream as I stun him. Sending his body flying into the display case of bread and pastries. Turning on Dolohov next, he tries to rile me up. Though I notice Severus takes the upper hand.

“Hermione, love. Leave this old man and let me show you some of the ideas I had once we learned of you. How to control Severus. I really know many ways to make you scream.” He twirls his wand blatantly showing off.
Severus growls raising his wand, but I am quicker. Rope shoots out of the tip of my wand, dragging Dolohov close to me.

“Dolohov?” I ask sweetly.

“Rope play, I like.” He smirks licking his bleeding lip.

“Do shut the fuck up!” The ropes tighten on him until he turns blue. I watch with a smile as the oxygen leaves his body, and he passes out. Soon after I stun him, loosening the binds just so he can breathe and round on Severus.

“YOU! Snape, owe me answers! Owe me everything that has happened after you broke your promise to me!! You pushed me away! How dare you! I should drop you here and leave you alone again for what you have done to me!” If I didn’t love the bastard, he’d be hexed to next year and back!

“You...remember me?” He stands rigid, chest heaving short gasps of air. Disbelief spills over his face as tears brim and crest his black eyes and in two short strides his hands were on my face, bringing his lips crashing to mine. Hands tangle into my hair, angling my head to deepen the kiss.

My anger subsides slightly. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Like a prayer he apologies between kisses and I melt into him. Chills cascading over my body. My magic quivering at his attentions. Thrilled to be unlocked and recognized by me. I feel whole. I feel loved. No longer alone after these long 5 years.

“We were a team!” I broke the kiss then tears brimming my eyes. I fought them hard. Be mad Hermione! Don’t get all sappy. But it is him! My soul is singing. I don’t think I can let him go again even if I am pissed at him.

“I know. I know.” he whispered, his forehead resting against mine. Tears began to fall from my eyes as the connection between us pulsed with his sorrow, guilt and above all his love of me. “Please forgive me, love. Forgive me. I had to. I had to keep you safe. Read my journal. Read every word and know that I did not want to do it, but I had to keep you safe. We may have made it down another path, but I could not risk you.”

“I didn’t know what I was missing all this time. It was you! I’m still so mad at you.” I cry pulling him to me. Tucking my face into his neck. Breathing him in. His tears throwing me. This taciturn man who never shows emotion so freely. Just laying himself out for me.

“I know, love. I know. I will endeavor to earn your forgiveness. Even if it takes all night or 100 years.” Aurors began to pop around us, Harry and Draco among them, began shouting orders to gather the Death Eaters.

“Hermione?” Harry’s whisper broke through the haze of being in Severus’s embrace.

“Harry!” I cry out and hug him tightly to me! Then I remember him helping Severus obliviate me and quickly punch his arm.

“Ow! What the actual hell woman!” He rubs his arm as Draco approaches cautiously.

“Hey, Granger.” He waves sheepishly. “You going to hit me too?”

“No. Unless you were with them on getting rid of me too?” I say while narrowing my eyes to Harry.

“No way! I told them not to! It wasn’t just violent war crimes they wanted you for though, so I understand their actions. They wanted to study you like a lab rat. How can a Muggle-born have so much power? They wanted to try to siphon your magic away. They were going to use you against Severus. They put images in his head through the mark.” Draco held my hand willing me to understand why they took drastic measures.

“I didn’t tell you all of that, Draco. How did you know?” Severus whispers.

“They broadcasted it to all our marks. I didn’t tell you because you were already so stressed trying to do the right thing. We were all given orders to get her. Voldemort, he, he thought she had power. Power he could use or replicate. He was going to use her as a surrogate at one point as well.” I hug Draco to me tightly.

“I could have fought. I could have helped still. I wanted to fight for you!” I turn to Severus then.

“And I had to fight for you! This. This is what I had to do for you! To keep you. To keep you free and unburdened from the war that was quickly targeting you as well as Harry. You must understand. You are mine! I would have gone to Hell to get you back to me. I did not expect or plan to survive the war as it was! But I knew I had you to get back to, because you were safe, love.” Severus snapped at me. Magic surged between us each fighting the other for control.

“Please, don’t be mad at us. We decided together.” Harry mentioned slightly behind Draco.

“You both didn’t trust me to fight?! To be able to help! Or you never would have done this!” I hiss again.

“It was not for lack of confidence in you, my love. It was lack of confidence in my ability to keep you safe. To keep it together if something happened to you.” Severus collapsed then wrapping his arms around my waist. His head crushed to my abdomen as he completely broke.

My heart ached at the sounds he was making. Sorrow and guilt pulsed at me again. I can’t stay mad any longer. Honestly, if the roles were reversed, would I not do everything I could to make him safe? Thinking about it, when he came back so injured, I begged him to quit being a spy for Dumbledore. For the order. He was just a tool to them. But to me he was everything and I could not keep waiting for him to come back injured yet again. So much time wasted.

Harry quietly ushered everyone out of the bakery. Leaving just the two of us among the rubble.

“Shh. My Raven.” I fall to the floor pulling his face into my hands bringing him close to me, “I forgive you.”

Nodding he kisses me again. Deeply and all-encompassing. I break away from the kiss breathing heavily.

“Take me home, Severus.” His smile lit up the broken bakery then as I felt the familiar pull of apparition taking us away.

Chapter Text

Dearest Love,

You have forgiven me. Though, I spend every waking moment proving my love to you repeatedly. You tell me to cool it, let it go. It’s been two years since your memories returned, and we are past it. But I will never quit making up the time I stole from you. From us.
Minerva and Poppy are visiting you in the bakery today. They want you to return to Hogwarts and teach Muggle Studies. I know you are considering it, but with our businesses it will be quite a task. I am sitting in our bakery as you work and help them pick out some pastries to try. Though, now with the bakery, you help me experiment with potions and watching you learn and move among the cauldrons is magical. Watching you work in this bakery is by far my favorite pastime. The way you interact with the customers, watching you create delicious morsels, and me, being your most happy and loyal taste tester.

Dolohov and the Weasel are in Azkaban. The top tier with dementors circling their open cells. They will no longer be a threat. While there will likely always be some threat to us, the Wizarding World is quiet.

Draco and Harry made you godmother of Scorpius, and you cried. Ginerva has been around as well. She among the other Weasleys are taking their time to come around. They all feel so much guilt for what the Weasel did. Neville sends you herbs from his garden to put in your pastries as well as helping us grow a few in the back of the bakery, where a little garden patch had been neglected. His wife, Luna is expecting their first two children soon and has been craving your mince pies left and right.

I will never be able to give you those five years back, and I only regret hurting you with my decision. But, keeping you safe was the best decision I could make at the time. I would not change it.

You remembered me, and I cannot wait to see where our lives move next.
Yours, Always

Dearest Raven,

I have read every entry. Stole it from you after Minerva and Poppy left the bakery yesterday. You headed straight to the lab to deal with your employees.

“Dunderheads! All of them!” You huffed as you kissed me silly and flooed away.

I’m still chuckling. But now that you’re gone, I can work on your surprise. First, know that I forgive you for everything. I’m not so sure I would not have done the same thing had I seen what you saw, roles reversed. Draco did share his memories of that moment with me, and I am sorry you had to see that. Real or not, I know it ripped your heart out. I will never hold that decision over you. Free yourself from that burden, my Raven.

I want to thank you for your patience with me. With me processing the gap in my memories, relearning my magic, and just how to be a witch again. Though, I never had to learn to love you again. That was there before my memories came back to me. Underlying under the Obliviate spell for 5 years, until you walked through that door. I couldn’t understand how quickly I went from not having an interest in anyone, to suddenly the tall dark broody man coming into my bakery daily. But I am happy that you found me. I love you more than ever.

I want to tell you one more thing. I have seen how you watch Draco and Harry with Scorpius. You can conceal the yearning from them, but not from me, my Raven. Then, when Luna announced she was having twins with Neville. I could feel the mixture of sadness and happiness mix in our bond. You tried to suppress it, but I knew. It is going to be your turn in 8 short months.

You're going to be a great Dad.

I love you. We love you.
We are both yours, always.