Credits

• Writers: AppleSappling, Artqueen02, Avanie, bluedreaming, BubblesKat, buries, cosmicology, daisydiversions, DevilWithABirdDress, enystis, esbielle, farkenshnoffingottom, flamingwell, horchatapods, korechthonia, Mousek, schittposting, semperfiona, SerenaEW, sisi_rambles, sunkitten_shash, theyarnmaidstale
• Radio Host: schittposting
• University Staff: Artqueen02, Avanie, Avanie's guest, 429_CarCrash, contritecactite, cosmicology, dairaliz, deepestbluesky, edible_chemistry, enystis, esbielle, farkenshnoffingottom, forzandopod, GodOfLaundryBaskets, horchatapods, hullomoon, jacks_long_coat, korechthonia, laurakaye, LittleRedRobinHood, macalily, Mousek, nonplussed, OtterlyChrys, patientanxiety, semperfiona, Seperate_Entity, sunlightsymphony, theyarnmaidstale's guest
• Students: AppleSapling, buries, CrimsonMoonn, dairaliz, edible_chemistry's guest, flamingwell, forzandopod, klb, littlefingies, macalily, MeggieJolly, mistbornhero, mistynrisky, Moonlovingvampire, N0Connections, Ravin, Robin_Fai, rockinhamburger, sisi_rambles, thesleepyskipper, TheArcher, theyarnmaidstale, Tipsykitty, vexbatch
• Filkers: DevilWithABirdDress, farkenshnoffingottom, wilfriede0815
• Sound Effects: Artqueen02, farkenshnoffingottom, flamingwell, Robin_Fai, SerenaEW
• Audio Editors: AppleSapling, contritecactite, farkenshnoffingottom, schittposting, theyarnmaidstale, vexbatch
• Writing Editor: BubblesKat
• Artists: bluedreaming, SerenaEW, theyarnmaidstale
• Project Organizers: AppleSapling, farkenshnoffingottom, korechthonia, schittposting, theyarnmaidstale

You can follow along with the script below!

WHNK Radio Presents: So You Think You Can Fight A Goose!

Frequently Asked Questions

[Scanning for radio channels (radio effects from this podfic) until the audio resolves into the Untitled Goose Game theme]

Radio Host: Hello everyone and welcome to WHNK [HONK] campus radio, and thank you for tuning in to our annual segment “So You Think You Can Fight a Goose!” As always, please listen carefully to our frequently asked questions, then we will open the floor to you, our audience, to ask the questions we have missed. And a huge thank you to our university staff for taking the time to answer these questions! Welcome, staff members, and let’s get started!

Q: What is a goose?
A: A goose is a bird belonging to any of the waterfowl species in the family Anatidae. Geese are often characterized by their long necks, short legs, webbed feet, short broad bills, and remarkable viciousness.
They also enjoy hosting Sunday brunches.

Q: Who is a goose?
A: A goose is whoever it wants to be and uses any pronouns it desires.

Q: Where is a goose?
A: At your thesis defense, of course.

Q: When is a goose?
A: Goose is forever.

Q: Why is a goose?
A: The base state of the universe is chaos. A goose is one of the forces that helps maintain that state.

Q: How is a goose?
A: Have you tried asking the goose?

Q: When is a goose?
A: When is it not? Hey, didn’t we answer this question already?

Q: Why a goose?
A: A goose is an integral part of the long-standing tradition of the thesis defense. (Hi, Gamora.)

Q: Whom is a goose?
A: Now you’re just trying to be difficult. Please do not give our English professors an aneurysm.

Q: Is “Goose” defined in a taxonomical or colloquial sense for our purposes?
A: The Goose is for evaluation purposes only. Your purpose is to fight it.

Q: Can I select the species of Goose that I fight?
A: No.

Q: What are the potential species of Goose that I might have to fight?
A: A variety of species of domesticated and wild waterfowl including but not limited to the Anser and Branta genuses, such as Cape Barren goose, greylag goose, swan goose, snow goose, Emperor goose, Canada goose, barnacle goose, Egyptian goose, Orinoco goose, Magpie goose, pink-footed goose, Greater white-fronted goose, Lesser white-fronted goose and Nene. Prehistoric and extinct varieties will not be included, for now.

Q: How large of a goose will I be fighting?
A: The size of the goose you will be fighting will depend on the quality of your thesis. The higher quality your thesis was, the smaller the goose you will be fighting. Please be aware that goose size is not necessarily correlated to goose ferocity. Goose ferocity is entirely random. For this reason, some candidates choose to wear armor under their academically appropriate attire during their thesis defense.

Q: Does the Goose have access to a weapon? Do I have access to a weapon?
A: The Goose has access to anything on campus it can fit in its bill. You, however, will be limited to melee style weapons, the quality of which directly correlates to the quality of your thesis, as well as any materials or equipment you used in your thesis research.

Q: Who will decide the quality of my thesis and therefore the size of the goose and the quality of the melee style weapons?
A: The goose.

Q: Can I fight the goose with my thesis?
A: Yes [thesis thunks on table], if it is heavy enough to be considered a melee weapon. Additionally, you may use any equipment that was integral to the production of your thesis. However, you should remember that you would be liable for the costs of any damages.

Q: Will the goose be liable for the cost of any damages done to me?
A: No.

Q: Do I get to pick when I fight the goose?
A: You will be offered two time slots to allow for the illusion of choice.

Q: Does the Goose choose if it wants to fight me?
A: The Goose has been waiting their whole life for this.

Q: What if I'm allergic to geese?
A: Get good. Oh, sorry, get goose.

Q: What if I have a severe goose phobia?
A: Get gooder. Ah, I mean, get gooser.

Q: What if I have a bad history with a goose?
A: That’s unfortunate. All we can say is: good luck.

Q: Is it possible to outrun the goose?
A: You must fight the goose as part of your thesis defense. Running away is considered to be conceding the fight.

Q: How real are these geese?
A: Oh, they are very real.

Q: Can we keep a souvenir of our victory?
A: As these are federally protected birds we cannot condone this behavior while the birds are on our property.

Q: Will there be boss music while I'm fighting the goose?
A: Yes. You can select one of our pre-selected goose theme music songs or submit your own for approval. Please look at your brochures for QR codes and links to our pre-selected music.

Our goose fight song selections include:

[Excerpt from "Goose Program School Fight Song" by DevilWithABirdDress]

OH MIGHTY GOOSE FIGHT WARRIORS
WHO WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD
FIRST YOU MUST BEAT IGNORANCE, IN THE FORM OF FOWL

and

[Excerpt from "Oh Mighty Goose Fight Warriors" by wilfriede0815]

ask all your questions, talk out your fears
but know that the final truth
is not up for debate there's no way around it
you will have to fight a goose

and

[Excerpt from "Here Comes the Goose" by farkenshnoffingottom]

[Goose noises fade in] Here comes the goose, academic
Here comes the goose, and I say
It’s a fight [loud honking]
It’s a fight

and

[Excerpt from "Everybody (Geese Are Back)" by klb and ensemble]

Honk honk honk honk
Honk honk honk honk
Honk honk honk honk honk
Honk honk honk honk honk!

Q: How is the university getting permission for all these fights if it is a legally protected bird?
A: Answer pending, check back later.

Q: Isn’t this FAQ getting a bit too long?
A: No.

Q: What if my thesis is on fighting geese, aka a geesis?
A: Then you will be well prepared. Please refrain from sharing any information you have learnt from your studies with your fellow students. The topic of your thesis will be taken into account when selecting your goose, and we aim to make the Fights as fair as possible.

Q: What if the goose eats my thesis?
A: Skill issue, TBH.

Q: Do other colleges at this university have to do the same thing? Fight a Goose?
A: No. However, the engineering college’s capstone project is to build an enclosure for the geese.

Q: What is with this school and waterfowl? This wasn’t on any of the brochures!
A: There’s another university where you have to fight snakes. Consider yourself lucky you only have to fight a goose.

Q: I’d rather fight the snake.
A: Too bad. Transfers are not permitted at this stage in your degree process.

Q: Can I fight a kangaroo instead?
A: Not even the Australians recommend that.

Q: I already graduated, but I didn’t have to fight a goose.
A: Then your degree isn’t valid, you were scammed.

A Message From Our Sponsor

Radio Host: That concludes our common FAQ’s, but don’t touch that dial! Coming up, we’ll be taking calls from the audience to answer your remaining questions. But first, a word from our sponsor, Blanket Permission!

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Additional Questions From Callers

Radio Host: Support your local (and not-so-local) podficcer! Add Blanket Permission to your AO3 profile today! And now, our university staff will answer questions from our callers. First caller, you're on the air.

Q: Am I supposed to bring weapons into my thesis defense? If so, am I allowed to bring multiple weapons?
A: For things to be fair for everyone, you need to reach a common ground with the goose. If the goose allows it, you may bring up to 3 melee weapons. The goose may bring more the day of the thesis defense; you, however, may not.

Q: What if my weapon gets damaged in the process?
A: The Department is not liable for any damages incurred during the Goose fight. Equipment integral to your thesis research, by long standing historical precedent, is always allowed to be brought as a weapon; however, if school laboratory equipment is damaged during the goose fight, you will be liable for its replacement.

Q: Can my weapon be a Goose?
A: Geese are considered a melee style weapon, so you may use one as your weapon of choice. However, we advise against it, as it will likely turn against you.

Q: My thesis is on radioactive isotopes and their uses in instantaneous weaponry. I just wanted to double check that there aren’t any restrictions on the use of materials integral to your thesis in the goose fight.
A: We must inform you that you are obligated to obey all local laws on your way to and from your defense. We also would like to remind you that if anyone on your thesis committee is a victim of friendly fire, you will not be able to pass.

Q: If the size of my goose depends on my thesis quality, does that mean I might be assigned a gosling if my thesis is really, really good?
A: It is theoretically possible that you would have to fight a gosling if your thesis is of a sufficiently high caliber. It should be noted that you would then have to fight a little fluffy gosling, and there is no honour in that victory. There is also no guarantee that a gosling would be unaccompanied by their parent. Fortunately, your thesis probably isn't good enough for this to be a concern.

Q: What if my thesis is, like, really bad?
A: Especially disappointing theses will result in the candidate fighting a mother goose defending her nest.

Q: That doesn’t seem fair.
A: Maybe you should have taken your thesis more seriously.

Q: Can I fight Ryan Gosling instead?
A: Ryan Gosling is not listed as a possible species of geese to fight for a thesis defense. He will, however, see you outside in the parking lot for asking this question.

Q: I heard the geese like Ryan Gosling.
A: Who doesn't?

Q: Can I bring Ryan Gosling along to the fight?
A: If you knew Ryan Gosling, you wouldn't be here.

Q: I’m Canadian, will this give me an advantage if I have to fight a Canada goose?
A: Probably not, but we avoid pairing Canadian students with Canada geese to maintain fairness.

Q: Will the fights be live streamed or posted on YouTube?
A: No, you must develop your own strategy without relying on others' past work. Also, they would be demonetized.

Q: Has the Goose ever killed anyone?
A: Don’t worry about it.

Q: I’ve heard a goose can break a man’s arm?
A: You’re thinking of swans, and it’s a myth. Or is it?

Q: But I've never heard that a goose can break a woman's arm.
A: We'll leave you to write a thesis as to why.

Q: I heard that the thesis defense goose once herded a candidate into literally bumping into another student in the middle of their thesis defense. Is that something I need to worry about?
A: Some geese work to bring soulmates together. While these geese aren't traditionally used during the goose fight portion of the thesis defense, it isn't entirely unheard of. Some of the great soulmates of history were brought together during the goose fight portion of the thesis defense. Don't worry, this is incredibly rare. The soulmate enforcement geese are rarely also thesis defense geese, and even if they are, they can only bring you together with your soulmate if your soulmate is nearby during your thesis defense.

Q: What happens if a soulmate goose approaches me while I’m fighting my thesis defense goose? Am I allowed to pause the fight?
A: First of all, this is such an unlikely occurrence that we barely feel the need to answer. However, if your thesis defense goose fight is interrupted by anything, you still have to finish fighting the goose. There are no exceptions, even if the interruption is another goose.

Q: What if the interrupting goose is my goose’s soulmate?
A: Then once you defeat your own goose you will probably need to defeat its mate.

Q: What if the interrupting goose is my soulmate?
A: Congratulations. You have an ally now. Or not.

Q: What if the Goose leaves me with a scar?
A: Congratulations on your souvenir! I’m sure you’ll look very dapper.

Q: Is persuading or bribing the goose NOT to attack me a valid strategy for the Goose Fight? If so, can I do that?
A: We are treating the term “fight” rather subjectively; however, any strategy used in the Goose Fight not involving physically engaging with the Goose in some capacity that results in your success will be considered a Hollow Victory and you will bring shame to your department. Look at your thesis advisor. Do you want to see them cry? No? Fight the Goose.

Q: I want to see them cry, actually.
A: Oh.

Q: What if I’m in the Conflict & Negotiation program?
A: They’re the ones running the betting pool. They don’t like your odds either actually…

Q: What if I feed the geese? Surely, they won't want to fight!
A: In our experience, feeding the geese only gives them more energy to fight like geese–and these are some very impressive geese. If you decide to feed the geese, we highly encourage feeding them geese-friendly foods and under no circumstances should you try to sabotage them. They're very friendly geese when you get to know them.

Q: What if I sell them lemonade?
A: That’s ducks you’re thinking of. Geese don’t particularly like lemonade.

Q: Is flan considered a goose-friendly food?
A: Ask your Goose, their taste is known to be chaotic.

Q: I’ve heard geese are omnivorous—am I in danger of being eaten by the Goose?
A: You are still thinking of ducks. If you get eaten by a duck, you likely have bigger problems. And yes, you may fight a duck instead but only if that duck is also a Goose.

Q: Um…Geese are federally protected birds. Can…is this…legal?
A: That sounds like a You Problem.

Q: Regardless of legality, is it ethical? Surely forcing geese to fight humans causes lots of undue stress for the geese - are they being provided proper food, water, and enrichment outside of the fight? Are they kept free-range with the appropriate amount of space? What measures are in place to ensure proper care of the geese?
A: The Goose Fights cause no extra stress to the geese - they enjoy the fights. It is enrichment. The University has hired professionals on staff that make sure the geese are kept happy and healthy as they can be in preparation for the fights.

Q: What does the Goose have to say about it?
A: [HONK]

Q: I’m still really concerned about the well-being of the geese…
A: Maybe you should write a thesis about it, or maybe it’s your own wellbeing you should be concerned about.

Q: If I kill the goose, can I eat it?
A: [Laughter is heard before the answer.] You really shouldn’t eat it raw, but other than that, do what you want. But if you do, we remind you that they are federally protected: the University did not sanction your decision and takes no responsibility for unforeseen circumstances.

Q: Can I go on a wild goose chase instead?
A: If it ends in a wild goose fight in the end, then you can do what you want.

Q: What is the land-speed velocity of an unladen goose?
A: Yes yes, you’re very clever. Faster than you’d expect! Wear good running shoes.

Q: Can I have a practice goose fight?
A: Does it look like we have practice geese lying around?

Q: Is there an option to fight multiple geese instead of writing a thesis?
A: This is a thesis defence, not a Goose Fight Club. Do your work.

Q: Is there a Goose Fight Club?
A: The first rule about Goose Fight Club: Don't talk about Goose Fight Club.

Q: Do I get extra credit if I fight more than one goose?
A: Can you handle more than one goose?

Q: Question. I heard geese have teeth, is this true?
A: They have spiky protrusions on their beaks and tongues that resemble teeth, but they are made of cartilage and are not true teeth. They will, however, still hurt if your goose bites you.

Q: Well, I’ve heard that geese’s eyes change color in the winter, is this true?
A: You’re thinking of loons. Why are you so concerned about this in particular?

Q: Ooh, I’ve heard geese’s bills can change color, is this true?
A: You’re thinking of the Pied-billed grebe. Again, why is this a concern for you? You have a Goose to fight.

Q: Can I rap battle the Goose instead?
A: It is unlikely to stay still long enough to let you rap battle it, but you can certainly try.

Q: What if I rap battled the Goose while holding it?
A: You can certainly try.

Q: Can I fight the goose in a honk-off? My honk is quite impressive. [HONK]
A: You can certainly try. Any advances made by the geese in response to your honk (tactical, flirtatious, or otherwise) are your own responsibility, and the department will not be liable for any consequences.

Q: Can I battle the goose in a walk-off?
A: You can certainly try, but we doubt the goose will be impressed.

Q: What if I grew up on a goose farm?
A: Please inform us beforehand which goose farm you grew up on. To ensure fairness we will select a goose from a different farm or a wild goose for you to fight.

Q: A goose is my best friend.
A: We hope you get your apolo-geese in now.

Q: Can I submit a VoiceTeam podfic about fighting geese instead?
A: No. But you can submit one to be played at your funeral, in case of your demise, as a warning to others.

Q: Can I fight a goose in D&D or another RPG instead?
A: Sure. The goose will have the stats of a Tarrasque and you will have the stats of a Commoner. [Sigh] Just fight the real goose and stop looking for loopholes.

Q: Can the goose help me find a loophole?
A: [Sigh] Get out.

Radio Host: Uh…well, our university staff seem to have walked out after that question, so I suppose this concludes our annual “So You Think You Can Fight a Goose!” segment. Thanks again for tuning in to WHNK [HONK] campus radio! We look forward to seeing everyone’s fights, and may the odds be ever in your favor!

[The show ends with the full versions of the filks]

Oh Mighty Goose Fight Warriors - wilfriede0815

oh mighty goose fight warriors
who want to change the world
first you must beat ignorance
in the form of fowl

ask all your questions, talk out your fears
but know that the final truth
is not up for debate there's no way around it
you will have to fight a goose

The true test of your merit
and your knowledge and your pride
has beak and teeth and feathers
and murder in its eyes

so fight on mighty goose fighters
hold your head up high
for if you survive the tournament
graduation is but nigh

Here Comes the Goose - farkenshnoffingottom

[Paper rustling, continues throughout]
Here comes the goose, academic
Here comes the goose, I say
It’s a fight [HONK HONK HONK]
It’s a fight

Here comes the goose, academic
Here comes the goose, and I say
It’s a fight
It’s a fight

Academic,
It’s been a long, hard, tiring pursuit
Academic,
You’re tearing your hair out at the roots

[Goose noises fade in] Here comes the goose, academic
Here comes the goose, I say
It’s a fight [loud honking]
It’s a fight

Academic,
Your goose fight’s approaching quickly now,
Academic,
Building up to your defense, academic
It’s been a long, hard, tiring pursuit
Academic,
Building up to your defense

Here comes the goose
Are you ready to face it?
I say, yeah
It’s a fight
Here comes the goose, academic
I say
It’s a fight, academic [Goose noises fade in, continue thorughout]

(Here comes the goose) here comes the goose, yeah
Here comes the goose
I say, academic (here comes the goose)
Building up to your defense
Academic, here comes the goose, (here comes the goose)
It’s a fight now (here comes the goose)
Is your thesis strong? (here comes the goose)
And it’s a fight now
Is your thesis strong? [goose honking gets louder]
Yes, it’s a fight (here comes the goose)
Here comes the goose (here comes the goose)
Here comes the goose [honking cuts off abruptly]
Here comes the goose! [HONK]

Goose Program School Fight Song - DevilWithABirdDress

OH MIGHTY GOOSE FIGHT WARRIORS
WHO WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD
FIRST YOU MUST BEAT IGNORANCE, IN THE FORM OF FOWL

ASK US ALL YOUR QUESTIONS
TALK OUT ALL YOUR FEARS
BUT THE TRUE TEST OF YOUR MERIT
AND YOUR KNOWLEDGE AND YOUR PRIDE

HAS BEAK AND TEETH AND FEATHERS
AND MURDER IN ITS EYES

SO FIGHT ON MIGHTY GOOSE FIGHTERS
HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH
FOR IF YOU SURVIVE THE TOURNAMENT
GRADUATION IS BUT NIGH

Fin.