Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Unknown Number: I still love you. I never stopped

[Sent] I cannot IMAGINE a worse time to have to ask this, but, uh. who is this?

Unknown Number: Don’t worry. You haven’t lost my number. Not knowing who it is is sort of the point

Unknown Number: You know what? This was a stupid idea. Forget this message

[Sent] Now hey there wait a minute

[Sent] How do you know you even have the right number?

Unknown Number: I have the right number, Ted

[Sent] Ah

[Sent] So you do

[Sent] Or that’s hell of a coincidence

[Sent] So this is a love *confession?*

Unknown Number: No.

[Sent] Feels like you’re not an ex

Unknown Number: I am not.

[Sent] You know, that doesn’t actually narrow it down

[Sent] Most people in the world are actually not my exes

Unknown Number: It would be an eventful life if they were

[Sent] That it would!

Unknown Number: Why are you still talking to me?

[Sent] Call me Curious George

Unknown Number: Why are you still talking to me, Curious George?

[Sent] Ha ha! Very funny

Unknown Number: You should probably be uneasy

Unknown Number: I’ve no clue why I did this anyway

Unknown Number: I suppose I just miss you

[Sent] Well, I guess we can chat then! And maybe you’ll miss me a little less

Unknown Number: You aren’t answering anyone’s texts.

[Sent] Ah so you ARE from England then

[Sent] Right

Unknown Number: How is it’ll you talk to a random insane stranger who’s confessed their deep and unending love for you but not your friends?

Unknown Number: Sorry. It’s not my business

Unknown Number: I’m not even sure I qualify as a friend.

Unknown Number: I’ve not really texted you like they have

[Sent] No, that’s fair

[Sent] I guess I’ve been having trouble

[Sent] Readjusting back in Kansas

[Sent] It’s lonelier than I thought

[Sent] I miss everyone too

Unknown Number: I’m sorry.

Unknown Number: If it helps, you could text anyone and they’d be thrilled. Hell, I think some of them would be more than willing to acquire a private jet and fly there

[Sent] I see the careful wording and I appreciate your clever dancing around your identity, Mystery Caller

Mystery Caller: I’ve texted you?

[Sent] Well, you’re Mystery Caller in my contacts now. Has more gravitas than Mystery Texter don’t it

Mystery Caller: That it does.

Mystery Caller: I’m in your contacts?

Mystery Caller: You don’t even know who I am! What if I was a stalker?

[Sent] Are you a stalker?

Mystery Caller: No. But that’s what a stalker would say.

[Sent] I don’t think you’re a stalker. :-)

Mystery Caller: And you’re not concerned by the elephant in the room?

[Sent] I think he’s fine just chillin there don’t you?

Mystery Caller: Well, while we’re avoiding that topic, how about the other topic you just dodged?

[Sent] No idea what you mean, Mystery

Mystery Caller: You could text anyone

Mystery Caller: They’d be there in a second. If you asked

[Sent] Which is why I can’t ask

Mystery Caller: I can understand that.

[Sent] What, not gonna call it bullshit?

Mystery Caller: Oh, it is. But I think the same way. Glass houses, I suppose

[Sent] What don’t you ask for?

Mystery Caller: What’s the real reason won’t you text anyone?

[Sent] Touche

[Sent] Answer for an answer?

Mystery Caller: Deal.

Mystery Caller: There’s a lot of things. But I suppose mostly I get insecure. I feel like I don’t belong at Nelson Road. I feel like secretly no one wants me there. I wait for people to invite me to things instead of asking because I don’t want to intrude, and when they forget, I feel like it’s personal even though I know it isn’t

Mystery Caller: I know the illogic of many of these things. But they still bother me. And I don’t tell anyone, because I know if I did, they’d feel obligated to adjust their behavior. Constantly think about it. Walk on eggshells.

Mystery Caller: And I don’t want them to feel like that around me.

[Sent] Wow, I see what you mean about glass houses

[Sent] There’s no way they don’t want you around, Mystery Caller

Mystery Caller: You don’t even know my name.

[Sent] I can’t think of anyone at Nelson Road who’s actually unpleasant

[Sent] Unless you’re Rupert Mannion and you’ve somehow snuck back in

Mystery Caller: CHRIST no

Mystery Caller: Your turn, Ted

Mystery Caller: You’re talking to me. Why not the people you actually know?

Mystery Caller: Ted?

[Sent] I’m sorry

[Sent] I guess it’s cause I don’t know that it is easier

[Sent] It’s less pressure

[Sent] I don’t know

[Sent] Is it bothering you?

Mystery Caller: What, talking to you?

[Sent] Yeah

Mystery Caller: Talking to you could never bother me.

[Sent] Even with the elephant?

Mystery Caller: The elephant’s always been there before. It’s only now you can see it too.

[Sent] Fair enough

[Sent] Sorry my answer wasn’t very good

[Sent] I guess I just over think it

[Sent] I get out my phone and I look at the messages everyone’s sent and I miss them so much my chest hurts

[Sent] But I know I can’t go back

[Sent] And I just

Mystery Caller: Don’t want to face it?

[Sent] Yeah

Mystery Caller: I’m sorry

Mystery Caller: I wish I could somehow fix everything

[Sent] I know

[Sent] Me too

Chapter Text

[Sent] What’s your favorite candy?

Curious George: ????

Curious George: Are you tryin to lighten the mood for me?

[Sent] Maybe I just want to know more little things about you

[Sent] Why, is it working?

Curious George: How about answer for an answer again?

[Sent] Deal. I’m partial to chocolate oranges.

Curious George: Ooh! We get those, actually. Mostly around Christmas though

Curious George: I like anything with peanut butter

Curious George: Bit of a sweet tooth TBH

[Sent] Hm. Not peanut butter, but did you ever try a penguin while you were here?

Curious George: A small, flightless bird? No I did not eat a small flightless bird

[Sent] Penguins the birds are not actually that small

Curious George: Depends on the penguin!

[Sent] Fair enough. Anyway, penguins are a little chocolate. Very sweet.

[NOT SENT] My daughter loves them

[Sent] Kids love them. They’ve got terrible little jokes on them

Curious George: Hit me with one!

[Sent] What’s a penguin’s favorite ice cream flavor?

Curious George: Snow idea

[Sent] Fishachio

Curious George: LOL

Curious George: That’s good! :-D

Curious George: Did you just have that on hand, then?

[Sent] I said kids like them, not that I don’t

Curious George: Ya got me there

Curious George: Well, if your favorite rom-com isn’t Sleepless in Seattle, the objectively best one, which is it?

[Sent] Not what objective means

[Sent] And Notting Hill is a classic

Curious George: Can’t help but notice you didn’t say favorite :-)

[Sent] As far as ridiculous but enjoyable tropes go, I like the setup of The Proposal

[Sent] But if we’re counting Mamma Mia, it wins every time

Curious George: Ok, fair enough answer!

Curious George: Almost surprised you didn’t say You’ve Got Mail ;-D

[Sent] Yes, Ted. You’ve got me. I’m secretly your mortal enemy

Curious George: Who isn’t Rupert Mannion!

[Sent] Who isn’t Rupert Mannion.

[NOT SENT] Besides, technically The Proposal is applicable here too. If you want.

Curious George: Well, with your pick, I suppose I know who to ask if I need a green card! ;-)

Curious George: Or whatever y’all call it there

[NOT SENT] Are you flirting with me on purpose or

[Sent]  All you have to do is ask, Ted

[Sent] ;-)

[Sent] How do yuo get out of a truly horrendous blind date

Curious George: Carefully, I bet!

[Sent] Ha ha. Seriusoly I’m tpying this under the table it’s a miracle I’m not making more typos

Curious George: It sure does look funny on you

Curious George: What’d they do that’s so bad anyway?

[Sent] Several backhanded compliments and snapped at the server

Curious George: Yikes!

[Sent] Sguestions would be welcome

Curious George: I could call, if you like? Fake an emergency?

[NOT SENT] I don’t want you to hear my voice

[NOT SENT] Isn’t that the poi

Curious George: You can mute your end if you like

Curious George: And just listen to me yap on about a fake emergency

[NOT SENT] You know I love our chats

[Sent] Thank you Ted youre a lifesaver

[Sent] Give it a few minutes

[Sent] You won’t be on speaker oranything

Curious George: You got it!

CURIOUS GEORGE IS CALLING…

RING. RING. R—

>ACCEPT CALL

>MUTE

(immediately full energy) “Oh no!! The cat exploded!!! Mystery, you gotta come quick!!”

[MUTED] (barely keeping a straight face) “Oh, that’s terrible.”

“Confetti everywhere, the cat was full of confetti, may she rest in peace—”

[MUTED] “Do you need me there?” “Who the fuck are you talking to?” (covers phone) “Shh!”

“Okay, actually, I lied, the cat’s fine. I do need you to come right away, though, I’m gonna need you to get a plane ticket, because… becauuuuse… well, someone turned gravity off in my house and I’m gonna need you to pull me down by the shoes.”

[MUTED] (still bravely not laughing) “I’ll stay on the line, you just hang in there, okay, darling? (covering phone) I need to go.” “Why?” “My daughter is sick.” “You have a daughter?” “Yes. Obviously.”

“Dump him immediately, Mystery, I need someone to pull me down by the shoes.”

[MUTED] (shuffling and muffled arguing and then movement as he escapes outside) (now openly laughing) “Oh my god, Ted. Gravity? What are you talking about?”

“Mystery, I’m on the fuckin’ ceiling I need you to come get me.”

[MUTED] (movement, nearly wheezing laughter muffled by hand that worsens at Ted cussing) “Ted, please—”

“How are you not outta there by now? Did you tell em I’m on the ceiling? Tell em your cat’s on the roof. I’m a cat now.”

[MUTED] (a car door opens and closes, the muted background noise abruptly cut off) (still laughing but it’s slowing down now) “God. I should hang up now. Christ.”

“Meow.”

[MUTED] (renewed laughter)

“C’mon, I’m claw-sitive you’ve escaped by now. You sounded so furr-ious! At the tail end of your patience. Hang on, I’ve got more.”

[MUTED] (audibly smiling) “I really missed your voice, though, Ted.”

“You need to leave your terrible, terrible date immediately because this is the biggest catastrophe in hisstory. I know these are all a bit forced, but pawdon me cause I’m just really feline it.”

[MUTED] “I could literally listen to you do this all day.”

“And I ain’t kitten you when I say I think they’re purrfect—I’m running out of puns here, Mystery, I ain’t gonna lie, I'm already really forcin'--furcin? no. Forcin' it.”

[MUTED] “But I probably shouldn’t.”

“I was really tryin’ my best there, but—oh, you unmuted?”

“…”

>END CALL

[Sent] Thank you SO much

[Sent] Sorry about the end, I just wanted to give you some warning

Curious George: No problemo!

[Sent] Are you down from the ceiling now?

Curious George: Feet safe on the floor ;-D

[Sent] It was very hard not to laugh while I was making excuses, thank you

Curious George: Is that a good thing?

[Sent] Technically it made it harder, but I needed the laugh

[Sent] Honestly, I don’t think he bought it, but I don’t really care. I’m safe at home with some tea and that’s what matters

Curious George: Tea and your unexploded cat!

[Sent] She is happily unexploded, yes

Curious George: You actually have a cat??????

[Sent] I suppose I’ve never brought her up, have I?

[Sent] She’s a fluffy orange beast

Curious George: Any brains in her noggin?

[Sent] None at all.

Curious George: Amazing

[NOT SENT] (toastandme.png: a picture of a fluffy orange cat with enormous green eyes staring at the camera, the camera angled down to show her sitting in Trent’s lap with his face just out of frame)

Curious George: Can I ask you an insensitive question

Curious George: You don’t have to answer

Curious George: Hell we can pretend I never asked if you want

[Sent] You haven’t asked yet, Ted

[Sent] Go ahead. I don’t mind

Curious George: You love me

[Sent] Yes.

[Sent] I sense there’s more as the question mark has yet to appear, but it’s been five minutes

Curious George: Would it be arrogant to ask you to explain why? Like, specifically?

Curious George: Or cruel

Curious George: You don’t have to

[Sent] No, Ted

[Sent] You haven’t said anything wrong

[Sent] Just give me a moment to gather my thoughts

[Sent] I’m *not* mad

Curious George: Sorry anyway

Curious George: :-(

[Sent] Don’t be.

[Sent] I love you for a lot of reasons

[Sent] But as cheesy as it is

[Sent] Mostly I love you because you’re *you*

[Sent] Stop typing; I know that’s a bit of a non-answer. I’ll elaborate

Curious George: I was gonna say it’s sweet, Mystery

[Sent] But probably not the answer you were looking for.

[Sent] Really, though, Ted. You’re wonderful. I mean that sincerely

Curious George: I wasn’t looking FOR anything exactly

Curious George: Just wondering I guess

[Sent] Your’e a very warm person

[Sent] You make me laugh

[Sent] You’re kind even when you’re hurting, so you’re stronger than me

[Sent] And smart

[Sent] You let people underestimate you but you’re very smart and I like it

[Sent] Just distracted sometimes

[Sent] And for good reason

[Sent] I’m never bored talking to you

[Sent] I just like being around you

[Sent] And listening to you talk

[Sent] Also you’re very hot does that help

[Sent] Incredibly handsome, 10/10 stars

Curious George: Ha! It does, thank you

Curious George: That’s a lot

[Sent] …too much?

Curious George: Not at all

Curious George: But I’m not all good things you know

[Sent] I’d never claim you’re perfect

[Sent] You’d be very boring if you were.

Curious George: I’m clingy

[Sent] Who on earth told you that?

[NOT SENT] I’d go to ridiculous lengths for the privilege of you being “clingy” with me Ted who the fuck told y

[Sent] No, don’t tell me

[Sent] I mean you can if you want. But you don’t have to

[Sent] Like I said, I think you’re warm

[Sent] It’s not a bad thing

Curious George: I guess I’m a good example of the ol phrase “too much of a good thing” is what I mean

Curious George: I’m a hot mess and even the good stuff is just

Curious George: a lot

[Sent] I’ve never been one for moderation by nature

[Sent] I guess it’s just about finding the right people

[Sent] "Clingy" is just a difference in what people want, I think

Curious George: Like Richmond?

[Sent] Like Richmond.

[Sent] But I didn’t mean it as a barb

[Sent] Maybe a gentle suggestion

[Sent] but also

[Sent] We aren’t the only school of fish in the sea, Ted

[Sent] And you are, famously, a very likable person

Curious George: Until I’m not

[Sent] Ted

[Sent] May I ask *why* you’ve asked me this in the first place?

Curious George: I’m just thinking about a lot of things

Curious George: I think Michelle is kinda tired of my moping

[Sent] Are we calling it moping now?

Curious George: Once you make a choice you gotta stick with it

Curious George: I’m no quitter

Curious George: I try not to be

Curious George: I’m here, I should just try to get out of the house

Curious George: Move on

[Sent] Okay, not the healthiest mindset

[Sent] Apologies, that was glib

[Sent] I just mean… there have been multiple times in my life where the biggest source of misery I was dealing with was that I refused to give up on something that had started hurting me

[Sent] I’d stick with it and keep going because I felt like I had to even when it was killing me

[Sent] Quitting was the best thing I ever learned how to do

Curious George: I ain’t talking about cigarettes, Mystery

[Sent] I know. I wasn’t either. And obviously it’s not always the answer

[Sent] I’m certainly not suggesting you “quit” thinking about Richmond

[NOT SEND] I wouldn’t blame you if you did. But I don’t think it would actually help. And I don’t th

[Sent] I just don’t want you to be miserable like I was

[Sent] Sorry, I’ll get off my soapbox. How are you doing?

Curious George: Well

Curious George: Moping

Curious George: Thinking about my divorce

Curious George: Missing you all still

Curious George: Just fun stuff like that

[Sent] Ah. Very fun, yes

Curious George: I aint MISERABLE or anything

Curious George: I get to see Henry almost every day and that makes me so happy

Curious George: I just

Curious George: Do you ever just think maybe you’re too much? Or not enough, maybe?

[Sent] All the time.

Curious George: Do you know how to stop?

[Sent] Feeling that way, or being that way?

Curious George: Yes?

[Sent] You can’t stop being yourself. And I, personally, wouldn’t want you to

Curious George: And feeling that way?

[Sent] Let me know if you ever find out.

Curious George: Well now I’m moping with you, too

[Sent] What else are friends for?

Curious George: I should send y’all a care package

Curious George: Yknow, barbeque sauce and some American candies y’all don’t get or something

Curious George: Write a little card

[Sent] Start slow?

Curious George: Yeah

Curious George: I’ll save you something!

Curious George: Nothin too obvious

Curious George: Just make sure you get your hands on one of the barbeque sauces, okay? I’ll send my favorite

[Sent] You’ll have to send me a recipe—something to make the best of it

Curious George: I’d be happy to :-)

[Sent] (a carefully taken photo of barbeque sauce on a wooden table, along with a very small assortment of candies) 

[Sent] Package acquired 

Curious George: HOORAY!! 

Chapter Text

Mystery Caller: Can I ask *you* an insensitive question? All the same disclaimers applied?

[Sent] Anytime, valentine!

Mystery Caller: You don’t feel awkward about the whole I’m madly in love with you thing?

[Sent] Maybe a little?

[Sent] But the heart wants what it wants

[Sent] Is it bad to say it’s kinda nice? Or flattering?

Mystery Caller: No. I’m glad

Mystery Caller: I’d much rather you feel good about it than uncomfortable

[NOT SENT] I wish I c

[NOT SENT] You’re so

[NOT SENT] Maybe we coul

[Sent] I ain’t uncomfortable

Mystery Caller: I can just never bring it up, if you want. I don’t know if it’s… weird?

Mystery Caller: I know it was originally sort of the point, but it’s…

Mystery Caller: Well, it’s a different thing now, isn’t it?

Mystery Caller: I really would understand if you were uncomfortable talking about it.

[Sent] I ain’t uncomfortable, Mystery

[Sent] Really

Mystery Caller: Well, tell me if you ever want me to stop calling you handsome or something. I don’t want to *make* you uncomfortable

[Sent] What, can’t a guy enjoy a bit of flattery sometimes?

[Sent] (You tell me if I ever make you uncomfortable, too, okay?)

[NOT SENT] With the flir

Mystery Caller: I will if you will

[Sent] Deal!

Mystery Caller: Deal.

Mystery Caller: :-)

BEARD 😎: Care package huh

[Sent] I sent an extra one to you with your favorites 😇

BEARD 😎: So you’re talking to us now?

[Sent] Hey now! I’ve checked in

BEARD 😎: Two to three word replies from sir talksalot himself?

[…]

BEARD 😎: I shouldn’t have snapped. I’m sorry

[Sent] It’s fine, Coach

BEARD 😎: It isn’t.

[Sent] How’s everyone doing? :-)

[BEARD 😎 is typing…]

[Sent] I tried talking to someone today

[Sent] From “across the pond” I mean

[Sent] Didn’t go great

[Sent] Coulda been worse

Mystery Caller: I’m sorry

Mystery Caller: Do you want to talk about it?

[Sent] No comment

Mystery Caller: What?

[Sent] I’m just joking

[Sent] Nah, I don’t feel like talking about it

[Sent] Thanks though, Mystery

[Sent] You got any funny stories or something?

Mystery Caller: I could tell you about when I had an archaeology phase as a child and, among other things, dug a shockingly big hole in the park before anyone noticed what I was up to?

Mystery Caller: It took a very long time. I was not an athletic child

[Sent] Tell me EVERYTHING

Mystery Caller: (Feel free to ignore this, but you know, you can always try talking to someone else, too. If you want)

[Sent] (Thanks, Mystery)

[…]

[Sent] Did I ever mention my first attempt at making pie by myself?

Mystery Caller: You have not

[Sent] A big, big mess was made that day.

Mystery Caller: As big as the mud up to my shoulders and my hair sticking up everywhere with a sprained ankle?

[Sent] Bigger

Mystery Caller: Tell me more >:-)

Mystery Caller: My cat stole an entire sandwich today.

[Sent] Oh boy

[Sent] She proud of herself?

Mystery Caller: Oh, she is, the greedy little thing

Mystery Caller: Completely shameless.

[Sent] Did you get yourself something else for lunch?

Mystery Caller: Eventually.

[Sent] I saw this stray cat today and thought of you!

[Sent] distinguishedgentleman.png (image of a large, fluffy grey cat with a squashed face and huge eyes blinking up at the camera, sitting on a sidewalk)

Mystery Caller: !!!

[Sent] What do you think we should call him?

Mystery Caller: Well, he certainly looks like a distinguished little gentleman. Perhaps something appropriate sounding?

[Sent] Something nice and British like Elizabeth

Mystery Caller: A tomcat called Elizabeth? I like it

[Sent] I once knew some folks with a lady cat called Bob

Mystery Caller: Short for Robert?

[Sent] Short for Shortskirt Bob, actually

Mystery Caller: Fascinating.

Mystery Caller: You could also call him Alfred

[Sent] As in Pennyworth?

Mystery Caller: Perhaps.

Mystery Caller: Of course, you could also give him a name that is humorously juxtaposing his gentleman status.

[Sent] I do love some humorous juxtaposition!

[Sent] Are we talking more ‘Schnookums’ or ‘Brick’

Mystery Caller: *Brick??*

[Sent] Brick.

[Sent] Imagine telling someone ‘here’s my cat, his name is Brick’

Mystery Caller: I would, in fact, love to do that.

Mystery Caller: Toast

[Sent] For a gray cat?

[Sent] I guess that is juxtaposition

Mystery Caller: The name of my cat.

Mystery Caller: Toast

Mystery Caller: Although she’s orange, not brown

[Sent] That’s an adorable name!!!

Mystery Caller: Are you taking Alfred Brick Elizabeth Fluffington the Third home, or?

[Sent] ALFRED BRICK ELIZABETH FLUFFINGTON THE THIRD?????

Mystery Caller: I extrapolated.

[Sent] Thanks for talking to me so much, Mystery

[Sent] I really do appreciate it

[Sent] You’re a real good listener

[Sent] And an even better friend, so far

Mystery Caller: I could say the same.

Mystery Caller: I always enjoy our conversations.

[Sent] I’m really, really glad

BEARD 😎: How's henry doing

[Sent] Good, he's doing good

[Sent] He misses his uncle Beard

[Sent] He wants to visit sometime 

BEARD 😎: You're both always welcome 

[Sent] I know

[Sent] Would it be okay if i called you

[Sent] You dont have to say anything

Mystery Caller: Of course, Ted

Mystery Caller: I'm free right now

Chapter Text

>CALL WITH CURIOUS GEORGE LASTED: 1:07:32.

Curious George: Thank you

Curious George: I know that was kind of a lot

Curious George: Talking through it helped

[Sent] Any time, Ted

[NOT SENT] I just wish I could have talked out loud too

[Sent] I mean it.

Curious George: I know

Curious George: I just feel bad about kinda dumping everything on you here

[Sent] I volunteered.

Curious George: Still

[Sent] Besides. It’s not as if it was ever a chore

[NOT SENT] And even if it were it’d be worth it for you

[NOT SENT] Anyway I missed hearing your voice

[NOT SENT] I missed hearing your voice

[NOT SENT] I missed hearing your voice

[Sent] I missed hearing your voice.

Curious George: Aw, honey

Curious George: You can call me up anytime too, yknow

[NOT SENT] HONEY??

[Sent] I know.

[NOT SENT] I can’t.

Curious George: I appreciate your advice, by the way

Curious George: Do you really think a visit is a good idea?

[Sent] I can understand why it seems intimidating

[Sent] And of course I have selfish reasons for why I might want to say yes

[Sent] But yes. I truly do

Curious George: Even if I can’t stay?

[Sent] Is a flower less beautiful because it doesn’t bloom all days of the year?

Curious George: Mystery, you are downright philosophical

Curious George: Oughta start calling you Socrates

Curious George: Start picturing you as one of them fancy stone busts instead of a multicolored van

[Sent] Ted. Did you just imply that you are picturing me as the Mystery Machine from Scooby Doo.

Curious George: I’m so thrilled you got that

Curious George: Can you prove that you’re not a multicolored van?

[Sent] I’m actually a monochrome van. You’ve got me.

Curious George: And you would’ve gotten away with it, too, if not for them meddling coaches

[Sent] And now to eat a dog treat.

Curious George: Honestly, they’re not as bad as they look

[Sent] I’m not even surprised that you know that.

Curious George: Worked at a pet shop for a bit and they had some fancy human-safe pet treats. Kinda a whole marketing deal, food good enough you could eat it. They made us try it all

[Sent] Oh, and you never simply gnawed on a bone-shaped biscuit just to see?

Curious George: I plead the fifth!!!

[Sent] Yes, well

[Sent] We were all twelve once. Even us poor British people without the fifth amendment

Curious George: YOU’VE ALSO EATEN A DOG TREAT??

[Sent] No comment.

[NOT SENT] Can I

[NOT SENT] Ted

[NOT SENT] Would y

[Sent] I hope this isn’t overstepping but

[Sent] Do you mind if I just kind of vent for a moment

[Sent] You can say no. I won’t be offended.

Curious George: Hit me!!

[Sent] Thank you.

[Sent] There’s someone who is just

[Sent] Maybe my best friend in the whole world

[Sent] But sometimes she drives me absolutely crazy

Curious George: Best friends are like siblings. Can’t live with em can’t live without em!

[Sent] We’re also exes. Sort of.

[Sent] Well, not sort of

[Sent] But suffice to say it’s extremely over and there are no lingering feelings

Curious George: Color me curious! But I guess you don’t wanna get into that?

[Sent] I’m afraid not, no. Thank you. It’s complicated.

[Sent] Anyway, what I mean is just… I love her, and she’s my friend, but god, she thinks she knows better than me about everything

[Sent] No, that sounds wrong

[Sent] Hell, she does know better than me on plenty of things

[Sent] But I mean she thinks she knows better than me about *myself*

[Sent] And worse, sometimes I feel like she doesn’t know me at all

[Sent] I know it’s because I haven’t told her things. Trying to be better for her and be the person she wanted. But it feels like now that I’m trying to be more authentic…

[Sent] She just tells me I’m somehow wrong. She *corrects* me. She thinks she knows what will make me happy and what won’t and she’s *wrong* but she’s so stubborn and bull-headed she just won’t

[Sent] It makes me feel crazy sometimes

Curious George: Sounds exhausting :-(

Curious George: It can be real tiring when someone insists they know you better than you know yourself

[Sent] Yeah.

Curious George: Not to be a hypocrite, but... you told her any of this?

[Sent] …no. I suppose I’m afraid of how she’ll react.

Curious George: Suppose you can only tell by doing it!

[Sent] Sigh.

Curious George: Sorry

[Sent] No. Don’t be. You’re right

[Sent] I’m not upset with you, to be clear

[Sent] Just… tired

[Sent] Worried she’ll tell me I’m wrong about this too, I guess

Curious George: Would it be pushing to ask what she was “”correctin”” you about?

[Sent] This time? You, actually

Curious George: Moi????

[Sent] Oui.

[Sent] I suppose she thinks I should get over you and move on and date some hot doctor or something.

Curious George: Not sure I can safely weigh in on that one

[Sent] No, it’s fine

[Sent] I just wish she understood that I’m perfectly happy as I am

[Sent] It’s not as if I need romance to feel complete

[NOT SENT] I’m not missing anyth

[Sent] I like this arrangement. I like talking to you. I don’t want some random bloody doctor even if I could manage it

[Sent] Sorry, I don’t mean to make this more personal

[Sent] She just

[Sent] This is just one example, you know?

[Sent] I love her, I really do

Curious George: I get it, Mystery

Curious George: Family’s complicated

[Sent] That it is.

[…]

[Sent] Thanks for listening.

[Sent] Here. As reimbursement

Curious George: Oh, I don’t need anything, honey

[Sent] toast-sunbathing.png (an image of a fluffy orange cat, practically glowing in the sun, looking at the camera lazily)

Curious George: OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[Sent] toast-flop.png (an image of the same cat, flopped over on her back, twisting to stare balefully up at the camera) 

Curious George: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Sent] She’s a little menace.

Curious George: If I catch Frank out again I’ll snap a picture

[Sent] Frank??

Curious George: Turns out Alfred Brick Elizabeth Fluffington the Third is not a stray!

[Sent] An outdoor cat?

Curious George: Yup!

[Sent] Hm. Steal him.

Curious George: Why, Mystery, are you tryin to get me to commit a crime?

[Sent] I’m a regular femme fatale, what can I say.

[NOT SENT] Homme fatale? Whatever

Di 💙🏹: Trent 

Di 💙🏹: Be honest with me

Di 💙🏹: Is mystery guy you've been giggling over texts with for fucking weeks now actually Ted goddamn Lasso

[NOT SENT] FOR FUCSK SAKE

[Sent] I plead the fifth.

Di 💙🏹: we're NOT AMERICAN, TRENT

Di 💙🏹: God, he's fucked you up

[NOT SENT] I KNOW you're joking but can we pleasen ot do this please

[Sent] It was a joke, Di.

Di 💙🏹: Yeah yeah

Di 💙🏹: So let me get this straight--don't even make the joke--you let me think you actually had a new boyfriend or some shit but really you're just texting Ted Lasso? Who is thousands of miles away and not coming back?

[Sent] I didn't correct assumptions

[Sent] It's not like that, anyway

[Sent] He is my friend you know

Di 💙🏹: I know, baby, but come on

Di 💙🏹: You were wrecked for MONTHS. When he read your book and didn't immediately give it glowing praise you actually cried

[NOT SENT] Christ we're really going there??

[Sent] Come on. That isn't fair

Di 💙🏹: Trent I am trying to look out for you

Di 💙🏹: Youve got to block his number or some shit

[Sent] I am not going to do that. And this? This isn't fair

[Sent] I know. Rich of *me* to say that. But this is my choice to make even if you think it's stupid.

Di 💙🏹: ...I don't think you're stupid.

Di 💙🏹: Or unfair.

[NOT SENT] Are you sure?

[NOT SENT] God. that isn't fair either.

[Sent] Then please just let me do this?

Di 💙🏹: ...okay

Di 💙🏹: Fine. But I reserve the right to say I told you do when this blows up in your face

[Sent] No need. I also told myself so. 

[Sent] But it's not his fault 

[Sent] And he needs a friend right now.

Di 💙🏹: Yknow I thought it was a whole thing where he like wasnt responding to anyones texts properly

Di 💙🏹: How'd you gettem

Di 💙🏹: Spill the beans 

[Sent] .......okay so this may be slightly worse than I made it out to be

Di 💙🏹: What the hell does that mean. Tell me more IMMEDIATELY 🍿

[Sent] I just need to preface this with it was the middle of the night and I was moping. 

Di 💙🏹: WHAT DID YOU DO

[NOT SENT] We should talk later

[NOT SENT] I wish you'd stop acting l

[NOT SENT] I love you so much b

[NOT SENT] Ple

[Sent] See you tomorrow <3

Di 💙🏹: See you tomorrow! 

[Sent] Talking is. hard

Curious George: Yeah :-(

[Sent] :-(

Curious George: Do I need to deploy Coach Beard to your house somehow for chocolate and best-left-unquestioned other materials??

[Sent] As much as I would love to see how that would play out, no

[Sent] Thank you

[Sent] I should really have more practicei n this at this point, but what can you do

Curious George: It never gets easier

Curious George: You're already doin better than me

Chapter Text

[Sent] frankfrown.png (image a fluffy grey cat with a squashed face stares into the middle distance, seeming grumpy)

Mystery Caller: Ah… a grumpy creature.

[Sent] Do you think he kind of looks like Roy?

Mystery Caller: Now that you mention it, the resemblance *is* striking.

[NOT SENT] I should send it to him

[Sent] The whiskers…!

Mystery Caller: I’m sure he would appreciate the comparison. While scowling, of course.

[Sent] Of course

Mystery Caller: Have you stolen Frank off the street yet?

[Sent] He’s actually a little too skittish to let me get close! He’s a swiper

Mystery Caller: It’s actually disheartening how quickly I thought ‘swiper no swiping’.

[Sent] Being around kids will do that!

[Sent] Cat burglary aside, I don’t think I could snatch him up if I wanted to—he’s too dang fast!

Mystery Caller: Well, you’ll just have to put the Lasso charm on him, then, won’t you?

Mystery Caller: You’re patient. A little time and he’ll be eating out of the palm of your hand

[NOT SENT] Definitely not just talking about a stray cat are we

Mystery Caller: Kind of your whole deal

[NOT SENT] Sounds kind of sinister when you put it like that

[Sent] Luring in cats with food???

Mystery Caller: I was thinking more looking at grumpy creatures that swipe at whatever comes close and then gaining their trust and affection anyway. With patience and gentle but determined persistence.

Mystery Caller: Like Roy. Just as *one* example. Many arguments could be made.

[Sent] I see your point

[NOT SENT] I’ve got a feeling Roy wasn’t your first thought here

Mystery Caller: It’s not a bad thing, Ted

Mystery Caller: Anyway, slightly convoluted metaphors aside

Mystery Caller: I’ve no doubt you could earn the trust of an actual stray cat if given time.

[Sent] Technically, Frank is very explicitly not a stray

Mystery Caller: Do you want me to send you articles about “outdoor cats” or has Beard already taken care of this at some point

[Sent] Now how did you know that

Mystery Caller: Just seems like something he’d do, to be honest.

[Sent] Heard.

BEARD 😎: Tedssf

[Sent] ?

BEARD 😎: jn

BEARD 😎: 25365461.png (a slightly blurry picture of beard in some kind of outfit that, inexplicably, looks part elvis presley, part leafy greens)

[Sent] Nice outfit—are you Elvis Parsley?

BEARD 😎: 👍

[Sent] Remember to drink water!

[Sent] Thought about what you said

[Sent] Think I’m gonna try again

Mystery Caller: …try what again, exactly?

Mystery Caller: Stealing Frank??

[Sent] Ha! No

[Sent] Talking

[Sent] I mean to folks back there

Mystery Caller: Other than me, I assume?

[Sent] Other than you, yeah

[Sent] Is that a bad idea?

Mystery Caller: Not at all.

Mystery Caller: Everyone misses you

Mystery Caller: Not that you should feel guilty, mind you. You had your reasons for going

Mystery Caller: But I’m sure anyone and everyone would be glad to hear from you

[Sent] Yeah

[Sent] Be nice to hear from them, too

[Sent] Not that no one’s sent me anything

Mystery Caller: Don’t worry. I know what you mean, Ted

[NOT SENT] I know it’s been a while b

[NOT SENT] How have you b

[NOT SENT] Miss you all

[NOT SENT] Made biscuits today, the real kind with gravy, but I still

[NOT SENT] Sorry I

[Sent] Hey boss

Boss Lady: Hello, Ted

Boss Lady: How are you doing? Well?

Boss Lady: how’s Henry?

Boss Lady: The basket you sent was nice. We’ve sent you one too, by the way. We being all of us

Boss Lady: Was this too many questions at once??

[Sent] No no! Sorry for being a bit radio silent

Boss Lady: Yes well you’re talking now so alls forgiven

[Sent] Did you talk to Beard

Boss Lady: I talked to Beard

Boss Lady: No ones mad ted

Boss Lady: Well okay we’re a bit bloody furious

Boss Lady: but we just miss you

[Sent] Yeah I’m getting that

[Sent] I miss you guys too

Boss Lady: So? How is everything

[Sent] Good

[Sent] Normal I guess

[Sent] I’m coaching Henry’s little league team which is great

[Sent] I love working with kids

[Sent] They’re such funny people

Boss Lady: Kids are amazing

[Sent] How are you doing?

Boss Lady: Good! I’m seeing someone

[Sent] Are they nice? and handsome?

Boss Lady: He is very nice and handsome. and Dutch

[Sent] Dutch??

Boss Lady: it’s a long story

Boss Lady: Anyway

Boss Lady: Tell me if this is too insensitive but why now

[Sent] Advice from a friend

Boss Lady: A *friend*, huh? anyone I know?

[Sent] Well

[Sent] It’s a long story

Boss Lady: We can swap if you like. Have a call

[Sent] Shoot, I gotta go

[Sent] Tell me all about Mr. Tall Dutch and Handsome later!!

Boss Lady: subtle

Boss Lady: Okay, Ted

Boss Lady: We miss you

[NOT SENT] I miss yall too

[Sent] Well, it didn’t go terrible!

Mystery Caller: Promising.

[Sent] Did kinda cut it off early though!

Mystery Caller: Still promising.

Mystery Caller: Baby steps?

[Sent] Think I might try someone else too

[Sent] Deep end, right?

[Sent] Just… not sure who, I guess

Mystery Caller: Baby leaps, I see

Mystery Caller: Just text someone you want to talk to, I suppose

[NOT SENT] I’m already texting you, Mystery

[Sent] Alright, yeah

[Sent] I can do that.

[Sent] Heya Trent!!

Trent Crimm, Independent: Hello, Ted

[Sent] How’s the book doing?

Trent Crimm, Independent: The new one, or the published one?

[Sent] You’re writing another book???

Trent Crimm, Independent: I am

Trent Crimm, Independent: I assume you meant the published one, then. It’s doing well

Trent Crimm, Independent: I prefer the old title, though.

[Sent] Hey, it was just a little advice :-)

Trent Crimm, Independent: Well, I was hardly going to ignore what you wanted for it. I respect you too much.

[Sent] I hope you didn’t think you had to

Trent Crimm, Independent: I wanted to. Just for you, not me.

Trent Crimm, Independent: Not that I regret hearing from you, but is there a reason you’re texting me?

[Sent] Do I need one?

Trent Crimm, Independent: Of course not. I just thought there might be one.

[Sent] 😅

[Sent] I wanted to ask you how Beard’s doing

[Sent] We ain’t talkin much

[Sent] Plus, I really did just wanna say hi!

Trent Crimm, Independent: He and Jane broke up

[Sent] And that is…?

Trent Crimm, Independent: Good if it lasts.

[Sent] Yep, yep, yep

[Sent] Is he mad?

Trent Crimm, Independent: Ted, I’m afraid you’ll have to ask him

Trent Crimm, Independent: But for what it’s worth, I think he’s more mad at himself

[Sent] Thanks, Trent

[Sent] You wanna tell me about this new book?

Trent Crimm, Independent: It’s not really interesting

[Sent] I bet you can make it interesting!

Trent Crimm, Independent: I suppose I should say it’s not very interesting *yet*

[Sent] You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want

[Sent] Or if it’s classified ;-)

Trent Crimm, Independent: Can you keep a secret?

[Sent] Is it really classified???

[Sent] Yes

Trent Crimm, Independent: I’m technically working on two books

[Sent] TWO??? 🤯

Trent Crimm, Independent: There’s the official one

Trent Crimm, Independent: But I’m also kind of working on a novel

[Sent] You better send me a signed copy the second it’s published!!

Trent Crimm, Independent: Will you actually read this one to the end?

Trent Crimm, Independent: I’m sorry that was

Trent Crimm, Independent: Unkind

Trent Crimm, Independent: I’m not mad at you

Trent Crimm, Independent: I get it

Trent Crimm, Independent: Really

[Sent] I’ll read it, Trent

[Sent] Promise

Trent Crimm, Independent: I’m sorry

[…]

Trent Crimm, Independent: Ted?

[…]

Trent Crimm, Independent: Shit.

Chapter Text

[Sent] Dare I ask how it went?

[NOT SENT] I’m such a cunt I’m such a CUNT

Curious George: Bad!

[Sent] Ah.

[NOT SENT] I’M SUCH A CUNT

Curious George: What do you do when you hurt a friends feelings on accident cause you were so caught up in your own bullshit

[NOT SENT] OH MY GOD

[Sent] Seems we’re in similar boats

Curious George: You hurt a friend recently?

[Sent] I was… sharp

[Sent] I snapped at someone

[Sent] I didn’t mean to

[NOT SENT] I’m so sorry I *know* why you didn’t want to read it and you didn’t make it obvious but I noticed you stopped halfway through because I’m too damn observant and I watch you too much like a fucking creep and I know it was just painful and I’m sorry and now YOU’RE worried you hurt ME and you’re TELLING ME ABOUT IT god christ this is too fucking

Curious George: It happens, sometimes

Curious George: I’m sure they’ll understand

[Sent] I’m sure your friend understands, too

[Sent] You’re the least malicious person I’ve ever met. They’ll know it wasn’t on purpose

Curious George: Lack of malice doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt

[NOT SENT] I know it wasn’t your fault even if it hurt so much because it was always about you it was all about you and you DISAGREED and I wrote it for you and I wanted you to like it so badly and then you didn’t ev

[Sent] I know. But we all hurt each other sometimes on accident. Can’t count on never doing it, can we?

Curious George: Guess not

Curious George: You better take your own advice there, too, though, Mystery

[Sent] I guess I have to now, don’t I?

Curious George: I will if you will?

[Sent] Deal.

[NOT SENT] I’m such a fucking prick

[Sent] WHY am I such a monumental fuckup

WALES 5EVER!!1: did you make finger guns at someone hot again

[Sent] No. Why will you not let that go.

WALES 5EVER!!1: I’ll let it go when you tell me who it was

[Sent] Which time?

WALES 5EVER!!1: ANY time

[Sent] I was being facetious, and I’m never telling.

[Sent] Also.

[Sent] Did you change your name in my phone again, Colin

WALES 5EVER!!1: It was actually Jamie

[Sent] I hate that I believe that.

[Sent] One of these days you’re going to change someone else’s name to something conspicuously Welsh and I’ll text them thinking it’s you and then where will we be

WALES 5EVER!!1: shit, that’s a really funny idea actually

[Sent] Fuck.

WALES 5EVER!!1: Dw it’d be someone funny like roy

WALES 5EVER!!1: Not one of your mystery contacts we only snooped at the names of

WALES 5EVER!!1: Like “Work Tim” and “Curious George”

WALES 5EVER!!1: second one really gets me cause like

WALES 5EVER!!1: does the little monkey type with his tail

[Sent] Actually, Curious George famously does not have a tail!

WALES 5EVER!!1: ah so its just some hookup not the little monkey?

WALES 5EVER!!1: get some boyo!!

[Sent] So many things wrong I don’t even know where to begin.

Curious George: I ever say thank you?

[Sent] For what?

Curious George: You’ve been real patient with me

Curious George: Being my sounding board and all

Curious George: Listening to all my angst

[Sent] I told you. I like listening to you

[Sent] Besides, it wasn’t all angst

[Sent] We’ve had plenty of other conversations

[Sent] And I’ve had my fair share of angst

Curious George: I know. But still. Thanks

Curious George: I love getting to know you

[Sent] Is this your way of telling me you want to stop texting?

Curious George: NO

Curious George: Absolutely not

Curious George: I just

Curious George: I know it’s been a lot

Curious George: I kinda feel like I’ve used you a bit

[Sent] No more than I’ve used you, Ted

[Sent] Our conversations are some of the best parts of my week

Curious George: But it’s different

[Sent] Because of my feelings?

[Sent] One could argue I’m using YOU for the same reason

[Sent] I’m getting time and attention from the man I love

[Sent] Is that such a bad thing?

Curious George: No, of course not

Curious George: I’m just

Curious George: Selfishly, Mystery, I’m really glad you love me

Curious George: And I like you a hell of a lot

Curious George: You’re pretty great, you know that? I’m a lucky guy

[Sent] I could say the same

[Sent] And I’m glad it makes you happy

[Sent] I want you to be happy

[Sent] Besides. If you’re “using” me, I promise I’m happy to be used

[Sent] …Would it be too far to add a crass joke here?

Curious George: By all means

[Sent] Eh, I’ve already gestured to it

[Sent] Look, it boils down to this:

[Sent] There’s no need to thank me. Anytime, Ted.  

[Sent] :-)

[Sent] I may not be a fuckup 100 percent of the time

[NOT SENT] Honestly I can’t believe he texted me in the first place. Actual me

WALES 5EVER!!1: yay!!

WALES 5EVER!!1: you made nice with your secret boyfriend that we definitely don’t know about!!

[Sent] My WHAT

[4 MESSAGES from Ted Lasso 💛]

Chapter Text

[Sent] I did finish the book

[Sent] Yesterday, but still

[Sent] It was amazing, Trent

[Sent] You’re a hell of a writer

Trent Crimm, Independent: Thank you, Ted

Trent Crimm, Independent: You didn’t have to do that

[Sent] I wanted to

[NOT SENT] I’m sorry for asking you to change the title

Trent Crimm, Independent: I’m glad you liked it.

Trent Crimm, Independent: I wanted to write something you liked

Trent Crimm, Independent: I’ve written enough nasty public things about you, don’t you think? I just really wanted this to be something you explicitly wanted out there

Trent Crimm, Independent: I’m sorry I was snippy about it.

[Sent] Don’t worry, Trent

[Sent] I get it

[Sent] You put your whole soul into this thing

[NOT SENT] It’s beautiful

[Sent] You did a great job!

Trent Crimm, Independent: I know I came on a little strong anyway

Trent Crimm, Independent: Kind of jumped down your throat a bit

Trent Crimm, Independent: I was just nervous

[Sent] What?

[Sent] Oh

[Sent] Oh, man

[Sent] Nah, Trent, I think *I* was the snippy one then. I’m real sorry

Trent Crimm, Independent: Ted, it’s fine

[NOT SENT] Trent you kinda looked at me like I ripped your heart out and tossed it on the table I think I’m the one who should be apologizing

[Sent] Still

Trent Crimm, Independent: Agree to accept each other’s apologies?

[Sent] Agreed :-)

[NOT SENT] Willis I know I don’t really got a right to ask but is Tr

Trent Crimm, Independent: I haven’t told anyone else about the novel thing

Trent Crimm, Independent: It’s kind of new to me

[Sent] Anything sports related?

Trent Crimm, Independent: I might sneak in a reference. But no, not generally.

[Sent] I bet it’ll be wonderful!

Trent Crimm, Independent: I’ll send you an advance copy.

Trent Crimm, Independent: No need to wait until publication.

Trent Crimm, Independent: Assuming I even get there

[Sent] Oh, there’s no doubt in my mind you will, Trent

Trent Crimm, Independent: You’ve got more faith in me than I do.

[Sent] Course I do! I’ll be right here with the pom-poms, cheerin you on!!

Trent Crimm, Independent: Like Dunst and Union, of course

[Sent] EXACTLY

[Sent] Can I ask what your book’s about?

Trent Crimm, Independent: Can I be really annoying and say you *can*

[Sent] I don’t know, can you?

Trent Crimm, Independent: Brought that one on myself.

Trent Crimm, Independent: Which book are you asking about?

[Sent] Both. Either :-)

Trent Crimm, Independent: The nonfiction one is still about Richmond, if you were wondering

[Sent] Aw, you have a favorite :-))

Trent Crimm, Independent: I think my biases have been rather clear for a while now.

Trent Crimm, Independent: And I’m not a journalist anymore, really, so I don’t technically have to be objective

[Sent] Now picturing you as a wildlife photographer, in the wilderness of Nelson Road… you can’t interfere when the baby soccer player gets eaten by a lion

Trent Crimm, Independent: Disturbing imagery. That I report on in graphic detail with a cutting byline, of course

Trent Crimm, Independent: Is Roy the lion?

Trent Crimm, Independent: Also I *know* you said soccer just to piss me off

[Sent] Henry calls it ragebaiting 😁 (the kind you do to friends of course 😊)

Trent Crimm, Independent: OH my god

Trent Crimm, Independent: Yeah that tracks.

[Sent] No comma… it really is working!!! 😱

Trent Crimm, Independent: Oh, piss off

Trent Crimm, Independent: 😊

[Sent] How long did it take you to regret using an emoji

Trent Crimm, Independent: Instantly.

[Sent] 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Trent Crimm, Independent: >:(

[Sent] Are emoticons better??

Trent Crimm, Independent: I’m impressed you know the difference

Trent Crimm, Independent: Yes. Yes, they are

[Sent] 😲

[NOT SENT] I like BOTH ;D 😉

[NOT SENT] whydidisayitlikethat.

[Sent] How you doin today, Mystery?

Mystery Caller: I’m doing well, thank you

Mystery Caller: You?

[Sent] Great!!

[Sent] Well, good anyway

[Sent] You ever talk to your friend? The one you said you snapped at?

Mystery Caller: Yes

Mystery Caller: He’s too forgiving for his own good sometimes

[Sent] People say the same about me :-)

Mystery Caller: Well, it’s true

Mystery Caller: In both cases.

[Sent] Guess it’s going around

[Sent] My friend is, too, sometimes

[Sent] The one I was talkin about that is

Mystery Caller: How so?

[Sent] Kinda hard to explain

[Sent] I guess

[Sent] When I left London again, when I knew I had to be leaving

[Sent] I kinda disconnected, you know?

[Sent] I mean I was still there but I kinda wasn’t

[Sent] And I didn’t notice that I hurt some people that way

[Sent] Too busy trying to just

[Sent] Make it go faster and get over with to make it hurt less for everyone?

[Sent] I guess I figured I’d kinda done my job, no one needed me there anymore anyway

[Sent] So it wouldn’t really matter if I checked out a bit. Stayed on autopilot

Mystery Caller: But it did?

[Sent] Yeah

[Sent] I guess I was just being selfish

Mystery Caller: No one expects you to be perfect and selfless all the time, Ted.

Mystery Caller: You were trying to protect yourself

Mystery Caller: Anyway, I couldn’t judge if I wanted to. I’m in the most glass of houses.

[Sent] House so glass an opera note leaves you homeless?

Mystery Caller: Ha! Sounds about right

Mystery Caller: Really, though

Mystery Caller: You were a bit distant, not cruel

[NOT SENT] No I was a bit cruel I think

[Sent] Mystery, it’s like you said

[Sent] I ain’t perfect.

[Sent] I *did* hurt him

[Sent] Probably not just him

[NOT SENT] I don’t need you to make excuses for me honey

[Sent] It wasn’t good

Mystery Caller: That’s fair.

Mystery Caller: Maybe you did hurt him. And other people. But it’s like we were saying earlier—it wasn’t malicious

Mystery Caller: It was a mistake

Mystery Caller: Coming from a place of pain, not cruelty

Mystery Caller: Cruelty is intentional. I know cruelty.

Mystery Caller: You’re not that.

[NOT SENT] Did I hurt *you?*

Mystery Caller: …Ted?

[Sent] did I hurt *you?*

[…]

Mystery Caller: I forgive you.

Michelle: Henry left his book at yours

Michelle: Apparently he needs it for school. You mind if we swing by?

[Sent] Of course not! I’ll be home, just shoot me a text when you’re almost here

Michelle: Thanks

[Sent] I’m sorry anyway

[Sent] Probably shouldn’t have even asked

Mystery Caller: It’s okay, Ted

[NOT SENT] Are you ever gonna get mad at me

Mystery Caller: Look

Mystery Caller: I’ve hurt people, too

Mystery Caller: Sometimes intentionally

Mystery Caller: I’ve certainly hurt you before

Mystery Caller: And I wasn’t trying to say you didn’t hurt anyone or make excuses for you or try to put you on a pedestal

Mystery Caller: I just

Mystery Caller: Want you to know it doesn’t make you a bad person

Mystery Caller: And I don’t resent you for it

Mystery Caller: And I’m absolutely certain your other friends don’t either.

Mystery Caller: That’s all.

Trent Crimm, the Independent: izziedrawing.png (a photo of a child’s drawing in colored pencil. It appears to be a lovingly and yet horrifyingly rendered portrait of trent himself, with terrifyingly large eyes the same color as his hair on a wide circle face, chunky lopsided glasses, cherry red lips around a mouthful of gritted teeth, a violent and ongoing scribble of hair with white pencil wrestled onto the surface in a barely visible manner, and a comically inaccurate nose. He is, inexplicably, holding what appears to be an umbrella.)

Trent Crimm, the Independent: Artistically brilliant.

[Sent] She really captured your soul here

[Sent] Thanks, Mystery

Mystery Caller: Anytime.

[Sent] Heya

[Sent] You doin alright?

[NOT SENT] Still broken up with J

BEARD 😎: Never been better 👍

[NOT SENT] Should I be offen

BEARD 😎: It’s a figure of speech. I’m doing good.

[Sent] Good!!

[Sent] You been reading any books lately? Good or bad 😉

BEARD 😎: You asked for this.

[Sent] 😊

[BEARD 😎 is typing…]

[Sent] You ever read a Colleen Hoover book

Mystery Caller: Terrified to know the reason for this question

Mystery Caller: Only once. Didn’t particularly enjoy

Mystery Caller: Why

[Sent] Just curious :)

Mystery Caller: Terrifying.

Mystery Caller: Oh wait

Mystery Caller: Beard?

[Sent] Beard.

Mystery Caller: Do you have a least favorite author?

[Sent] I prefer not to categorize anything but tea as least favorite 😊

Mystery Caller: How about favorite, then?

[Sent] Would it be arrogant to say my good friend Trent Crimm??

Mystery Caller: It’d be arrogant if Trent Crimm said Trent Crimm. You saying it is more bias than arrogance.

Mystery Caller: Even if the book is about you.

[Sent] It’s about the whole team!

Mystery Caller: Yes. It’s also about you

Mystery Caller: Anyway, wasn’t that your point?

[Sent] …Maybe.

Mystery Caller: Trent Crimm’s only written one book, anyway. Is that a favorite author, or a favorite book?

[Sent] Emily Brontë only wrote one book too.

Mystery Caller: Did you actually go out of your way to get the umlaut or did it autocorrect

[Sent] I’ll never tell 😘

[Sent] Do you have a favorite author?

Mystery Caller: It’s hard to pick

Mystery Caller: Do you want the answer I’d tell someone I don’t know well or the real answer

Mystery Caller: Or close to real, anyway. It’s at least partially mood-based.

[Sent] Real answer!

Mystery Caller: Terry Pratchett.

[Sent] Discworld! Beard loves those

Mystery Caller: Have you ever read one?

[Sent] Never got around to it

[Sent] Any recommendations on where to start?

Mystery Caller: Letting the universe decide and seeing what your local library or secondhand bookshop has is the traditional way

Mystery Caller: Or I could pull up a whole chart

[Sent] If you could pick one you’d make me read, what would it be?

Mystery Caller: Difficult question.

Mystery Caller: I think…

Mystery Caller: There are better and easier entrances to the series

Mystery Caller: But I couldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t say Unseen Academicals.

[Sent] Not one of the ones I’ve heard of!

Mystery Caller: Not one of the most famous ones, no

Mystery Caller: But it’s about, in part, wizards being forced to play football when they know absolutely nothing about it.

[Sent] Ahh

[Sent] I see what you did there

[Sent] I’ll have to find check it out 😄

Mystery Caller: Do you have a real favorite author?

[Sent] Well now that you’ve implied Trent can’t be my real favorite author I can’t give you another

Mystery Caller: *Ted*

[Sent] 😊🌸

Boss Lady: ussielol.png (a selfie/”ussie” of Rebecca and Keeley laughing together, arms around shoulders. Trent is also in the corner of the frame, smile a little wary but sincere, one of Keeley’s hands clamped on his shoulder pulling him in.)

Boss Lady: Missing you at girl talk!!!

Boss Lady: Don’t tell him I told you but Trent’s love life is a wreck right now poor man

Boss Lady: Not to gossip or anything 😉

[NOT SENT] Trent hasn’t menti

[Sent] You know how I feel about tea! ;p

Boss Lady: Don’t know what else I expected

[…]

Boss Lady: Hey actually can I ask you a little advice

[Sent] Course, boss

Boss Lady: Not your boss anymore, Ted

[Sent] Think you’re everyone’s boss, a little bit 🤏

Boss Lady: Damn right.

Boss Lady: Anyway

Boss Lady: How do you tell a friend we all miss them without it sounding like you’re guilt tripping them about it?

[NOT SENT] Honestly, boss? No clue

[Sent] Guess you just try your best

[Sent] Or phrase it like you’re just presenting a hypothetical :-)

[NOT SENT] You got me there.

[Sent] Message received, boss

[NOT SENT] miss you guys too

Mystery Caller: Have you catnapped Frank yet

[Sent] No 😔😔😔

[Sent] But he let me pet him the other day!

[Sent] For two seconds

Mystery Caller: Mm… progress

[Sent] Feel like I’m Team Rocket when you talk like that

Mystery Caller: Pokémon????

[Sent] Henry likes em :)

Mystery Caller: Here’s a Toast picture for motivation

Mystery Caller: toastconfrontsaballoon.png (a wide-eyed fluffy orange cat stares up at something out of frame, tense as if ready to pounce.)

Mystery Caller: Poor thing saw a balloon.

[Sent] Local adorable creature terrorized by evil balloon…

[NOT SENT] You doin alright, Mystery?

[Sent] Give her a pet from me 😊

Mystery Caller: Pet received.

DIAMOND DOGS 💎💎💍💎🐶🦴🐶🐶💎💎

[NOT SENT] How

[NOT SENT] Heya

[NOT SENT] H

Chapter Text

[Sent] I’m miserable :(

Curious George: Hi miserable, I’m Ted 😊

[Sent] Imagine my most performatively unamused face.

[Sent] Imagine a very performatively unamused face.

Curious George: Imagining and it’s cute and all but I can tell it’s performative 😉

[Sent] You see right through me.

Curious George: I can hear the deadpan too!!

Curious George: But joking aside what’s wrong?? You ok???

Curious George: I kinda assumed if it was serious you would have started off differently, but

[Sent] Don’t worry, Ted

[Sent] You’re right, it’s not serious, and I’m fine. I’m just sick.

[Sent] Not seriously or anything. Just miserable.

Curious George: Aw, honey

Curious George: I’d make you a hot cocoa if I could :-(

[Sent] Thank you, Ted

[Sent] ❤️

[Sent] If it helps, I can make myself a hot drink

Curious George: Well now I’m mad I can’t even send Coach over there

[Sent] …Roy, Beard, or Nate?

Curious George: :)

[Sent] Terrifying.

[Sent] It’s okay, though, really. I’m used to it; it’s not as if it’s hard

Curious George: Don’t make me fly over there, Mystery

[NOT SENT] I won’t

[NOT SENT] Would y

[Sent] Really, Ted. I’m fine. Thank you for worrying

[Sent] I just wanted to complain a bit

[Sent] My nose is somehow stuffy, runny, and itchy at the same time.

[Sent] My head is similarly aching and somehow heavy and light at the same time.

[Sent] Every time I swallow it feels like swallowing glass

[Sent] Miserable.

Curious George: 😬 Yeouch!

[Sent] I’ll drink some hot cocoa on your behalf.

Curious George: Add a little honey for me, honey <3

[Sent] Will do.

[NOT SENT] You’re going to give me heart palpitations you know

[Sent] Uhhgh

[Sent] THis sucks

Curious George: Jeez Louise, Mystery

Curious George: You alright??

[Sent] mfine.

Curious George: Are you sure???

[Sent] im just roo lazy to correct the typos rnigh now

Curious George: …do you always make this many typos?

[Sent] shhu t up.

Curious George: 😄

Curious George: Really though, are you okay??

[Sent] lots of question marks . You msut really be worrid

Curious George: Yeah :-(

[Sent] Im fine ted

[Sent] Screen bright makign my head hurt

[Sent] But im goign insane bored so

Curious George: How do ya feel about noise?

[Sent] Loud bad but not as bad as light why

[Sent] Oh

Curious George: Read my mind didn’t ya!!!

Curious George: I promise to be quiet 🥺

[Sent] Guess I will be too

[NOT SENT] muted and all

Curious George: I can tell you a bedtime story 😊

[NOT SENT] I’d really like that

[Sent] Itd certainly help wth the light of the screen

CURIOUS GEORGE IS CALLING…

RI—

>ACCEPT CALL

>MUTE

(low and hushed) “Hey, honey. Hope you start feelin’ better soon.”

[MUTED] (hoarse, weak) “Feeling a little better already.”

“Man, I still wish I could get you some Lasso special hot cocoa. Or some nasty leaf water, if you really prefer. Did you put honey in your cocoa? I know it’s not the most common addition, but it helps.”

[MUTED] (warm and a little melancholy, and still a bit of a croak) “You asked me to. Of course I did.”

“Well, hope it helps if you did. Anyway, you lean back, Mystery, cause I will be your podcast for the evening—”

[MUTED] (he laughs) “Can’t wait.”

“—and there’s a lot to say.”

[MUTED] (a whisper) “I’ve still missed your voice.”

“…you still there? You haven’t replied in a while, but I know the screen hurts your eyes.”

“…”

“…fell asleep, huh?”

[MUTED] (perfectly timed: he snores)

“Good. You need some rest, honey.”

“…”

“…wish I could see you. I bet you’re still on the couch, aren’t you? You’re gonna have a nasty crick in your next later.”

“…”

“Can’t get you to bed from all the way over here, though. My arms ain’t that long!”

“…”

“……I hope this helped. Even just a little.”

“…”

“I miss all you, y’know. Everyone over there. Especially you, Mystery. Ain’t that sad. I don’t even… I mean, not…”

“…”

(he sighs) “…feel better soon, sweetheart.”

(so quietly it’s almost inaudible) “I’d stay on, but…” (a beat) “…you probably don’t…”

“…aw, hell. Don’t know what I’m going on about. Goodnight, Mystery.” (achingly fond, but a little sad) “Sleep well.”

>CALL ENDED

Curious George: You fell asleep on the line, Mystery! Glad I could be a soothing narrator 😊

[NOT SENT] FUCK

[Sent] Can I complain about a problem of my own making without you lovingly making fun of me for it for a minute

Di 💙🏹: No promises but continue

[Sent] Well

[Sent] No.

Di 💙🏹: ???

Di 💙🏹: Oh, Trent

Di 💙🏹: Look I promise I won’t make fun of you

[Sent] Sorry

[Sent] I just

[Sent] Believe me, I already feel stupid enough

Di 💙🏹: Aw

Di 💙🏹: You know I tease because I love you right?

[Sent] I do.

[Sent] So.

[Sent] The “stupid unrequited feelings for Ted Lasso” situation continues.

Di 💙🏹: :(

[Sent] I kind of fell asleep on a call last night

Di 💙🏹: …WITH him?

Di 💙🏹: How are you even calling him

Di 💙🏹: Does he know???

[Sent] Christ no

[Sent] It was his idea

[Sent] I sort of just talk through texting

Di 💙🏹: Okay so can I say something without you taking it as making fun of you

[Sent] Infinitely suspicious start, but sure.

Di 💙🏹: That’s some lover boy behavior right there

[Sent] No the fuck it isn’t??

Di 💙🏹: I’m just saying!!

[Sent] What, you think I wouldn’t stay on call for you if you didn’t or couldn’t talk?

Di 💙🏹: I guess! I’m just saying. He’s giving off has a thing for you vibes

[Sent] Even if he was, which he isn’t, it would be for some mystery texter he doesn’t know. Who he might even be assuming is a woman for all I know!

[Sent] Even on the very slim chance he might be considering something with me, it would be a combination of misunderstandings—he doesn’t know me, he was around me for a LONG time with no indication of interest whatsoever, and being under the misconception he’s in a romcom with a pretty blonde girl waiting across the pond for him—and just

[NOT SENT] Loneliness. Me taking advantage of him

Di 💙🏹: Just what?

[Sent] It doesn’t matter. Not me.

[Sent] Anyway, the point is moot. He doesn’t have feelings for me in any capacity. Except for the feelings of platonic friendship. He’s ridiculously affectionate anyway he calls Roy Kent weirder nicknames than honey

Di 💙🏹: He calls you honey??????

[Sent] NOT THE POINT

[Sent] And he’s all called me the USS Trenterprise so really put absolutely no weight behind that

Di 💙🏹: And you’re in love with this man lol

Di 💙🏹: Sorry that’s a bit close to making fun

Di 💙🏹: Look I’m just saying maybe consider the whole thing isn’t doomed?

Di 💙🏹: I love you baby but you can be a bit pessimistic

[NOT SENT] Yeah well not without reason

[NOT SENT] And what, does “baby” mean you’re in love with me?

[NOT SENT] Christ Trent shut up

[Sent] I just wanted to whinge about how nice his voice is

Di 💙🏹: Aw poor darling :(

Di 💙🏹: That sounded sarcastic but I meant it

Di 💙🏹: Wanna come over for ice cream and sad movies or something? Violet will be happy to see you too

[Sent] I’d love to but I can’t

[Sent] Don’t want to give either of you this bug I have

[Sent] Light sensitivity’s clearing up but I’m probably still contagious

Di 💙🏹: You’re sick???

[Sent] I’m fine. Already had soup and a hot drink and all. Just need rest.

Di 💙🏹: If you’re sure

Di 💙🏹: Keep me posted, and tell me if you need me to swing by, okay? Promise.

[Sent] I promise.

[Sent] Have you ever had a really vivid fever dream

Curious George: You feeling better?

[Sent] Yes, thank you. Your call really helped

[Sent] Sorry for falling asleep.

Curious George: Eh, it was kinda the goal. I’m glad I could help :-)

Curious George: As for fever dreams

Curious George: You have a bad nightmare? :-(

[Sent] Worse. It was a really, really good dream.

[NOT SENT] And then I woke up and it just wasn’t real and I wan

Curious George: Aw. Was I there?

[NOT SENT] Yes. Yes, you were there. Of c

Curious George: ...Just joking!

Curious George: I once had a dream we met and you were a worm

[Sent] Yes, you were there

[Sent] And not a worm.

[NOT SENT] I woke up on the couch and you were there with me and it was warm and we shared laughter and dinner and our kids were playing a game and our f

[NOT SENT] I just felt really. safe

[Sent] Did worm me do anything interesting in the dream?

Curious George: Worm you had a PhD in thermodynamics for some reason!

[Sent] Fascinating.

[Sent] What’s the strangest dream you’ve ever had?

Curious George: That I can *remember?* Hm. Well, there was that one with the birds…

WALES 5EVER!!1: 🫵 i am at your door with soup.

[Sent] 🧍‍♂️

[Sent] TRAITOR

Di 💙🏹: I think footballers are immune to disease 😁

[Sent] FACTUALLY UNTRUE.

WALES 5EVER!!1: Knock knock trent I will get moe to pick the lock I swear to god

[Sent] Christ just use the spare key

WALES 5EVER!!1: also who the fuck taught you emojis

[Sent] You.

WALES 5EVER!!1: fair. 

Curious George: Heya, Mystery

Curious George: I ever see you in one of my dreams again, I’ll go ahead and say hi and give you a hug

Curious George: I bet I’ll recognize you even if you aren’t a worm 😊

[NOT SENT] There’s no way he kn

[Sent] I’ll be wearing a rose on my lapel.

Curious George: It’s a date 😁

[NOT SENT] Fucking heart palpitations.

Chapter Text

[Sent] Soo

[Sent] Hows things with Jane going

BEARD 😎: they’re not, why

[NOT SENT] Oh good

[Sent] Just wonderin

[Sent] How about in general then

BEARD 😎: fine

BEARD 😎: team’s doing great

[Sent] How about YOU though?

BEARD 😎: i’m happy here. i don’t regret staying even if it was originally

BEARD 😎: you know

BEARD 😎: Miss you, though

[NOT SENT] miss you too

[Sent] Miss you, too, bud

[NOT SENT] I wish I’d helped more

Boss Lady: So

Boss Lady: Seeing anyone lately??

[Sent] Kinda?

[Sent] Not really.

[Sent] It’s just textin

Boss Lady: Oh?? Do tell

[Sent] It’s kinda complicated

[Sent] And a long story

Boss Lady: ….girl talk time?

Boss Lady: I can get Keeley and Trent down here stat

[Sent] No

[Sent] I mean nah I’d rather not make it a whole thing right now

[Sent] It’s nice

Boss Lady: Don’t want to break the bubble, huh

Boss Lady: Fair enough

Boss Lady: Is she nice?

[…]

[Sent] Yeah

[Sent] Very

[Sent] I’ve been talking to people more

[Sent] I mean people back there

Mystery Caller: Good!

Mystery Caller: How about there?

[Sent] Just the usual, really

[Sent] Rebecca asked me if I was seeing anyone

Mystery Caller: Oh?

Mystery Caller: Would I sound too invested if I asked you your response?

[Sent] Not at all, Mystery! I brought up didn’t I?

[Sent] I told her ‘kinda but not really’

Mystery Caller: Is she nice?

Mystery Caller: Not to assume. But I’d hope it’s someone who makes you smile

[NOT SENT] Yeah, you do make me smile

[Sent] I did say not really

[Sent] It’s not really like that

Mystery Caller: But you’d like it to be?

[Sent] Maybe.

[Sent] Kinda hard to say

[NOT SENT] We’ve only been texting so it’s not like I can ki

Mystery Caller: Feelings can be complicated.

[Sent] Yeah, you can say that again

Mystery Caller: Feelings can be complicated.

[Sent] I’m rubbing off on you, aren’t I?

Mystery Caller: Every day.

[Sent] And yes.

Mystery Caller: ?

[Sent] You asked if the person I was seeing was nice

[Sent] Rebecca asked the same thing actually

Mystery Caller: It’s a good first question. I’m glad they’re nice. You deserve nice

[Sent] Thank you, Mystery

[Sent] So do you.

[NOT SENT] Had any dreams lately, Mystery?

Boss Lady: Anything else you can tell me about mystery girl?

[Sent] Nah

[Sent] More fun a mystery ;-D

BEARD 😎: i did kinda meet someone

[Sent] Great!! What’re they like???

BEARD 😎: it’s nothing serious yet

BEARD 😎: but she’s nice

BEARD 😎: she doesn’t play chess though

[Sent] Good

[Sent] To the first part I mean

[NOT SENT] Not to steal a line, but

[Sent] You deserve nice

[Sent] And if you want you could teach her chess, if she's interested

[Sent] Did a good job teaching me

[Sent] And then she can teach you something!! 

BEARD 😎: i don’t think you’ve ever won a game

[Sent] BUT. we have fun

BEARD 😎: that’s true

[Sent] 💙

BEARD 😎: thanks ted

BEARD 😎: 💛

[NOT SENT] Coach I

[NOT SENT] Willis can I ask y

[NOT SENT] I’ve b

[NOT SENT] I met someone too. Sort of

[NOT SENT] Coach I think th

[Sent] almostgothim.png (a picture of a fat grey blur racing away, barely able to be made out as a large cat galloping top speed away from the camera)

[Sent] He got spooked by someone’s car :-(

Mystery Caller: Would a Toast image cheer you up?

[Sent] 🥺

Mystery Caller: gogetemtiger.png (a picture of a fluffy orange cat looking inquisitively at the camera. A piece of paper has been lopsidedly taped to the wall behind him with a hasty speech bubble drawn on it, reading YOU’LL GET EM NEXT TIME)

Mystery Caller: Toast has faith in you.

[Sent] Aw <3

[Sent] Give Toast a kiss for me

[Sent] Right between those little ears

Mystery Caller: No braincells there, might as well have a kiss instead

[Sent] Happens to the best of us, honey 😊

Mystery Caller: hhghh

[Sent] ???

Mystery Caller: Apologies. Toast attempted to slam the phone from my hand with her back paw in the process of jumping onto my shoulders.

[Sent] She do that often?

Mystery Caller: Sandwich thief and shoulder leaper.

[Sent] I’ll take that as a yes

[NOT SENT] I’d love a picture of th

[NOT SENT] Ah

[Sent] Mischievous little creature

Mystery Caller: That she is