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Coyolxauhqui sighs as they sit in the silence of the camp on the mountain. It was deafening, not something she was used to after living in a city in Texas. Not that she minded, it was nice to get away from all the noise, even nicer with her. She pulled out a cigarette and flicked her lighter, its sound filling the space between them. "Going to snow tonight." She passes her cigarette to Chang'e. Chang'e gladly takes it. "So, you never found anyone else to marry after him?" Chang'e shot her a look as she smoked before looking at the night sky.
"How's things going with you and Tecciztecatl?" She shot back. Coyolxauhqui scoffs as she takes a swing from their shared bottle of whiskey. "He's good, less arrogant these days. Takes after his father. You know how our marriage is." She lucked out in a way, neither she nor Tecciztecatl was interested in each other, but it was more of a you scratch my back, I scratch yours. She looked the other way when he would be gone on a business trip longer than he needed to, and he would look the other way when she would go to Brokeback to go camping with a friend. Chang'e nodded, shifting uncomfortably in her seat. "Tell you what, the truth is sometimes I miss you so much I could hardly stand it," Coyolxauhqui said, looking at Chang’e. Chang’e felt all the air leave her lungs before she reached over and pulled her into a kiss, furthering her regrets.
That night, she held onto her as if she were losing her all over again for the first time. As if it were their last day of their forsaken summer job. She didn’t know where she began and where Coyolxauhqui started. For once, she didn’t mind gods; she preferred it. She wanted it to last, she wanted to stay like this, she wanted to be able to wake up with their arms entangled. But they could not keep hiding in the soft light of the night, and soon they would feel the harsh rays of morning light. They would be forced into reality and forced into roles that they could not avoid. But for now, Chang’e could lose herself in the pleasure and hopes that Coyolxauhqui tried to etch into her skin.
The next morning, they were both quiet as they packed everything back into Coyolxauhqui’s car. They fell into the familiar pattern of cleaning up after themselves. Erasing any evidence of them being there, making sure that no one would be able to track them. To be able to spot them in the crowd and notice what they were. Coyolxauhqui sighs as she opens her car door. “Guess I’ll visit my father up on the farm and see them for a day or two, it’ll be nice to see my brothers.” She looks at Chang’e before sighing, mentally preparing herself. Chang’e looks away, messing with the edge of her skirt. She always looked like this when she was going to say something that was going to break her heart. She scoffs, her fingers curling around her door. “There’s something I need to tell you, Coyol.” She shifts to look at her. “It’s likely November before I can come out here again.” She mumbled so quietly that Coyolxauhqui didn’t want to believe her. She wanted to think that she had misheard her or something. Chang’e picked at her nail, looking down. “The factory is going to want more workers, especially before winter sales start up again.” Coyolxauhqui wanted to say that she was shocked and wanted to say that she didn’t expect it. “November.” Her tone came out sharp. “What in the hell ever happened to August?” She tried to stay calm, she did. She was tired. Exhausted. She wanted Chang’e so bad that it physically harmed her when she woke up with Tecciztecatl in her bed and not her. Chang’e looked away. “I’m sorry.” She sighs, smoothing out her skirt. Coyolxauhqui “By the fifth sun Chang’e.” She curses, slamming her door closed as she walks away, turning her back on her. She tried to think about a solution and tried to think about how to make it faster. But, even if she did, she doubts Chang’e would even give her the time. She blows out air before turning towards her. “You know, you had a fucking week to say some little word about this. Hell, you had last night when you held onto me to tell me. When you were letting me go on like a fool to say something. When I was telling you all about our plans. Why didn’t you?”
“I-I.” Chang’e sighs. She didn’t want to go back to reality too soon. When she was up on the mountain with Coyolxauhqui, she was free as she was with Hou Yi. She wanted that feeling back; she wanted to be with her. But they couldn’t, and if they talked about reality, they would fight about the same thing over and over again. She didn’t want to fight with her; she wanted to stay in her embrace; she wanted to love her. She wanted to pretend even if it was a lie, even if she would never entertain Coyolxauhqui and wanted to believe that she could. She wanted to believe that in one future life cycle, she could. That their love would be okay. She watches as Coyolxauhqui paces further away from her. “Why is it that we are always in the fucking cold, we out to go south, where it’s warm. We could go to Mexico.” Coyolxauhqui snaps.
“Mexico?” Chang’e sighs. “You know me, I was never one for much travel. I only travelled for work and you. I doubt I would have much fun over there. Please, Coyol.” She tries to move closer. Coyolxauhqui steps further away, much to her dismay. “We, we.” She shifts. “You could catch us some elk, and I’ll get us to Wukong's cabin again. We had a good time that year, didn’t we? I’ll make you a nice skirt or something to take home.”
Coyolxauhqui shakes her head before sighing. “There is never enough time, never enough.” She laughs bitterly, throwing her hands up. She turns to face Chang’e. Her stomach twisted in seeing the pained and guilty look on her what. Lover? She couldn’t even call her that; they didn’t even reach that threshold. She shakes her head. She clicks her tongue, fighting back tears of anger, hurt, and disappointment. “You know, Chang’e, this is a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation. You used to come away easily, and now it’s like seein’ Ometecuhtli.” Chang’e sighs, looking away. “Coyolxauhqui, I’m not like you. I don't have a rich husband who understands. I have to work. Back then, I would just leave and quit the job.” She goes closer to her. “You forget what it’s like being broke all the time, having to wonder where I’m getting my next food from so I can afford the days off, so I can come to see you. I’m trying. Please.” Before Chang’e could touch her cheek, Coyolxauhqui pulled away, afraid that if she let her touch her, she would fall back into her spell, afraid she would fall in love again with her. That she would let her heart decide instead of her head. She was tired of this. “Coyolxauhqui, do you have any other ideas?” Chang’e said her voice was breaking.
Coyolxauhqui scoffs as she looks at her. “I did once.” Chang’e sighs as she looks at her own hands. “You did once.” Her voice filled with sorrow. “And what would become of us if we ran hm? Where would we go, huh? To Mexico? And what kind of work would we find as two women without anything? Do you know what they do to women like us?” She moves close to Coyolxauhqui. “Yes, I know! And so, what!? They do that here?! They’ll do that anywhere! And I’ve been to Mexico when it’s been too hard. When waking up next to him was too hard on me because you weren’t in my bed. Because I would have preferred someone who looked and felt like you than him!” She snaps. Chang’e’s eyes widened before they narrowed. “I’m going to tell you this one time, Coyolxauhqui, because I love you more than I know what to do with. But the life you are living, like you’re one of the boys just because you walk and dress like them will get you fucking killed.” She shoved her. “And I’m not lying! I have seen women killed for less.”
Coyolxauhqui glared at her. “Yeah, well, try this one and I’ll say it just once.” Chang’e scoffs. “Go ahead.”
“Tell you what.” She gets close enough to Chang'e to see the birthmarks on her skin. Close enough to smell the perfume that she always wore just for her. Close enough that she just wanted to kiss her. “We could of had a good lie together, a fuckin’ real good life, had us a place of our own. But you didn’t want it, Chang’e.” She scoffed bitterly as she felt tears flow down her face at our anger and grief as she moved away. “So, what we got now is Brokeback Mountain!” She throws her hands out towards the mountains in front of them. “Everything we have, all of our damned love is built on that. It’s all we got, fuckin’ all, so I hope you know that if you don’t never know the rest.” Chang’e looked at Coyolxauhqui before turning around, her hands clenching in her skirt. “Fuck.” She mumbled, closing her eyes. She couldn’t, she wouldn’t turn around. She was not going to entertain Coyolxauhqui on this. She needed to stay firm. What life could they have had together? They would constantly be looking over their shoulders.
“You count the damn few times we been together in nearly twenty years, and you measure the short fuckin’ leash you keep me on, then ask me about Mexico and you tell me you’ll kill me for needin’ somethin’ I don’t hardly never get!” Coyolxauhqui shouts at her hands, turning them to fists as tears rush down her face. Gods, she felt like a child. But it hurt too much; it felt like her heart was being torn apart. “You’re too much for me, Chang’e, by the fifth sun.” She runs a hand through her hair as she lets out a choked laugh. She felt her legs shake; she was exhausted, she always was after seeing Chang’e, but this, this took the cake. “I wish I knew how to quit you.” She gripped her hair, the sensation keeping her grounded.
Chang’e looked at her; the image of Coyolxauhqui being tormented for just loving her was too much. She regretted ever coming up that summer after the death of Hou Yi to work. She wished that she could take it all back if she avoided being the one who caused Coyolxauhqui the pain she felt. “Then why don’t you? Why don’t you let me go?” Coyolxauhqui looked back at her with disbelief in her eyes. As if the thought was the most taboo thing to be asked of her. “I caused all this to you, Coyol. I should have never come up, I should ha-” Before Chang’e could finish what she was saying, she felt Coyolxauhqui’s lips against hers, and just like that, she fell apart in her arms all over again. She felt herself for a little bit longer be lost in Coyolxauhqui’s lips and hide away from the outside world in them.