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Rylan was cold when he woke up, even with the morning sun trickling in through the curtains. He was used to it by now, his Fiancés were very busy men after all. He admired their commitment ,he admired a lot about them. Their dedication, their strength, their ability to carry on, all things he didn’t have. Fake it till you make it am I right? In all honesty he thought they were fighting a war he was certain they’d lose. Not that he’d ever say that out loud, but they were only mortal and if the gods wanted them dead they had no say in the matter. But they fought nevertheless, and Rylan couldn’t help but admire them for it, otherwise he’d pity them and that wasn’t helpful. So admiration it was.
Rylan sat up as the bedroom door crept open, he wasn’t expecting anyone to be home at this hour, but then again he didn’t exactly know what time it was.
“Good morning, Starfish. I hope I didn’t startle you.” Taz spoke softly as he entered the room, carrying a tray of what one could only assume was freshly baked pancakes. Rylan smiled as Taz sat beside him, giving him a soft peck on the cheek before speaking,
“I wasn’t expecting anyone to be home, but I’m glad you are.” He ran his fingers through Taz’s hair, it was longer than it used to be. Which had taken some getting used to, but not nearly as much as the beard, which still managed to catch him off guard sometimes. Things had been a bit strange between them since the gang had returned to Meiter. Of course it had been, they essentially died for five years and then returned on a random tuesday, no one was ready for that. Rylan wasn’t sure if he’d ever be ‘ready’ to be back. He’d missed his absence, but the evidence of it was overwhelming. Sometimes he wondered if it would’ve been better if he never came back. Taz’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts, making him realize he’d probably been staring at him this whole time.
“Something on your mind, darling?”
Rylan forced out a chuckle, it sounded more hollow than he intended, “Just admiring you.” He cleared his throat, moving his attention to the pancakes in Taz’s lap, “ Are those for us?”
“Mhmm, my meeting got pushed back so I thought we could have a nice little breakfast in bed.” Taz handed Rylan the plate of pancakes that had significantly more powdered sugar and berries on them, which brought a genuine smile to his face.
“You remembered how I like them, you’re the best Taz.”
“Of course I remembered…”
And suddenly the absence of Rylan was back, it always came back when they least expected it. It had a tendency to do that, sticking around like an unwanted house guest. An infection that kept coming back no matter what they did to combat it. They ate in silence after that, afraid of shattering the little illusion of normalcy that was left. Rylan hated this, he felt like a walking reminder of everything that had happened. He was his own ghost and he wasn’t sure who he was haunting more. He could feel Taz’s eyes on him as he ate, burning through his skin straight to his soul. Trying to make sense of it all. Rylan muttered out a quick “sorry” in between bites without looking up from his plate, which seemed to catch Taz by surprise. He reached over to take Rylan’s face in his hands, gently turning his head to meet his gaze.
“You have nothing to be sorry for.” His words were firm, but that didn’t make Rylan believe him. How could he when he looked at him like that?
“I have a lot to be sorry for.” He hadn’t realized he was speaking until the words left his mouth and then, well then something snapped and he just couldn’t take it anymore. “I’m making this so hard aren’t I? I just… I don’t know what to do.”
“You aren’t making anything hard, Rylan.”
“Yes! yes I am, you were grieving Taz! And here I am trying to act like everything’s fine but it’s not fine!” he gasped between sobs, when did he start crying? “I should… I should go.” Rylan stood up, preparing to take off to who knows where, but Taz had always had remarkable reflexes and He pulled Rylan into his arms before he could go anywhere.
“No! No Rylan… It’s not your fault, it’s ok, it's not your fault darling.” Taz cooed in an attempt to calm his Fiancé, but he was already spiraling.
“Please…you never should’ve mourned me. Gods, I should’ve left you alone with Rits… I’m so sorry.” Rylan’s body shook in Taz’s arms. His sobs became unintelligible after a while, ramblings about old wounds that he realized never truly healed. Taz held him for what felt like hours, rubbing his back and wiping his tears. Only when his breathing finally calmed and his body stilled did Taz let him go.
“I’m going to go run you a bath. Can you stay right here for me ok?” He asked, Rylan just nods, his throat hurt too much to speak anymore. He watched as Taz disappeared into the bathroom, the sound of running water following shortly after. Rylan had half the mind to get undressed while he waited, which he did and then promptly wrapped himself in the throw blanket. He initially reached for Caellum’s jacket, but the thought of wearing that right now made him sick, so he opted for the blanket instead. After a moment, Taz came back to the room and gently coaxed Rylan to get up. The pair made their way to the bathroom and soon they were both in warm bath water. He sighed, laying his head on Taz’s chest, listening to the steady thrumming of his heart. Another thing that Rylan wasn’t used to.
“I’m sorry I-“ he started, but was quickly cut off by Taz shushing him.
“Stop apologizing Rylan…you’re allowed to be upset. This isn’t a…conventional situation.”
“I know, but I shouldn’t be dumping all my problems on you… you have enough of those already.”
“I do” Taz chuckled, “But you’ll never be one of those, Rylan. You know that right”
He nodded, tucking his head under Taz’s chin. “I know.. I just, I don’t know I want to protect you but I don’t know how.”
“That’s ok, we’ll figure it out together ok?”
“Ok… I love you.” Rylan felt Taz relax at that, pressing a kiss into his forehead.
“I love you too.”