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Chapter Text

Luomen had warned Maomao all her life about operating on conjecture. He told her again and again that operating on conjecture would lead you into all sorts of mishaps. So, when Jinshi offered to buy out her contract with the Verdigris House for an exorbitant amount of money, she had brushed away any thoughts that read too deeply into his intentions. Pairin couldn't just let things lie, though.

"I wish I had a beautiful man like that coming to sweep me away," she complained.

Maomao blinked at her. "Master Jinshi's beauty has nothing to do with this. A lot of people indeed tend to swoon when he walks by, men and women alike, but Master Jinshi is purchasing my contract so that I can keep working for him as an apothecary."

Pairin giggled. "Oh, please, Maomao. Don't be naive, sweetheart. No man spends that kind of money buying out a contract unless he has designs on the courtesan. Men can be delightful, but they aren't likely to be that generous without expecting something in return."

"Pairin, Master Jinshi is a eunuch," Maomao reminded her matter-of-factly.

"So?" Pairin was pouting now. "Just because he has lost some parts doesn't mean he isn't still a man, or mostly a man. He can still appreciate a beautiful woman. And just because he can't be played with that much doesn't mean he can't play with youuuuu..." Pairin let the silence hang as her implication filled the air.

Maomao felt a shiver go up her spine. Imagining the possibility that Master Jinshi would want to engage in nighttime activities with her... He'd never said so. She had never even heard of him doing so with anyone. Well, there was that one time he had asked her to make aphrodisiacs, but she had just assumed they were for someone else. What if they weren't? Did Master Jinshi, the eunuch, have a sex life? That he wanted her to be a part of?

If that were so, she supposed she would have to go along with it. He was a high-ranking official in the Rear Palace. If he went through with buying her contract this morning, he would essentially own her. Still, that didn't mean he was planning on asking her to do anything like that. He had certainly paid a lot of attention to her, but Maomao was lousy at reading people in that way. Whether he felt that way about her or not, she would probably be the last person to notice.

"Trust me, Maomao. Eunuchs have a reputation and are looked at as half-men, but they can be wonderful lovers," Pairin crooned.

Maomao swallowed, her throat feeling dry. "Really?"

Pairin nodded enthusiastically. "Of course! Since they can't spill their seed, they don't just roll over as soon as they would finish, like intact men, and, because they are missing that, they usually feel the need to overcompensate and don't quit until you are the one rolling over to sleep."

Maomao's mouth was dry now, too. The image of Master Jinshi doing all sorts of things to her until she had to beg him to stop slammed into her mind like a bull.

"I suspect that you wouldn't complain if that was what he was planning. Besides, without a manhood, he can't take your maidenhead, so what's the harm?" Pairin looked far too smug. Maomao schooled her face into a carefully neutral expression.

"I don't know what you are talking about, Pairin, and I don't want to know." She started to walk away, having had enough of Pairin's ridiculous assumptions.

"Oh, don't be like that, Maomao! Tell you what, at least let us help you be ready just in case."

Maomao stopped and considered that. There was no harm in being prepared, right? "What would you do?"

Pairin hopped up, her breasts jiggling comically as she did so. "We were going to dress you all pretty anyway for your sendoff. If I were in your shoes, I would just make sure to wear something a little special underneath in case your Master Jinshi really wants to be your master, Jinshi."

She seized Maomao's unbandaged wrist and started dragging her to the bath. "Laaaadies!" Pairin called out to Meimei and Joka. "We have work to do!"

By the time they were done with her, Maomao had never been so uncomfortable in her life. The headress they'd put on her was so heavy it hurt her neck. She was wearing far more makeup than any reasonable person would agree to, and the cloak she was wearing was thick and cumbersome, but she had to admit that it did a great job of keeping out the winter cold. The last thing she needed was for it to be obvious how thin and scrappy the underwear her big sisters had put her in was.

She kept reminding herself that her big sisters had their minds in the gutter as she walked downstairs to meet Master Jinshi and Gaoshun. The lingerie was completely unnecessary.

She saw them waiting by the front door and called out to them even as she averted her eyes, having a hard time looking directly at Master Jinshi. She only raised her eyes from the ground when her farewell party stopped walking forward.

"Please take care of our little girl," Meimei sweetly said.

Pairin giggled. "We got her all dolled up for you."

Before Maomao could elbow her, Granny poked Maomao with her pipe and snagged her cloak tie to yank her closer. "Don't you forget, Maomao..."

"I know. Good customers, right?"

Granny released her with a smile. "Good. Now go on." She pushed her forward.

Maomao sighed. "What a way to start the morning." She finally made eye contact with Jinshi. His eyes were wide. Was he surprised that Granny was still trying to make money off of Maomao through her palace connections? He clearly didn't know the old woman very well. "Let's go."

His cheeks got red. "Uh, yeah," he stuttered.

"Take care," Joka bade them.

Maomao turned to the Princesses and Granny. "I'm off."

Jinshi didn't say anything else as they left, which made it very easy to hear the murmurs of men standing near the exit that reminded her exactly why she preferred to wear makeup that made her less attractive, not more.

When the carriage took off, she couldn't help but chastise him. "I hope you realize this is your fault."

Jinshi looked at her with surprise. "Hm?" he hummed.

"All of that unwanted attention," she clarified.

Jinshi leaned closer to her. "Well, that's just because you look..." He didn't finish his sentence, which prompted her to look over and meet his eyes. He was just staring at her wide-eyed again. That was the second time he had stumbled over his words. Was he feeling unwell?

"I look what?" she asked.

Jinshi looked away from her pointedly. "It's nothing." He leaned his jaw on his propped-up hand and stared out the window instead of at her as they continued on to the palace.

When they were waiting for the security checkpoint, even after Gaoshun handed their identifying documents over, it was taking longer than usual to get through. She heard Jinshi huff and stand. His cloak blocked her view as he addressed the watchmen. "Good work. May we go now?"

"Uh... Yes!" the watchman shouted. They carried on their way.

"By the way," Jinshi addressed her after a moment. "While you're here, you should wear your usual freckles."

"Huh?" Maomao looked at him. That was an oddly specific and personal request. She was planning to do that anyway, but why would he provide his opinion on the matter? "If you say so." Maomao decided it wasn't worth arguing about something she was already going to do.

When Gaoshun stopped the carriage, they were outside a large palace. Maomao followed Jinshi out and was perplexed when he started buzzing around her like a fly, holding his cloak wide as he stood between her and the officials who were walking by. What is this guy doing? she wondered.

She brushed it off and stood next to Gaoshun. "And this place is?"

"Oh, just my house," Jinshi answered with a feigned nonchalance. The structure was sprawling and impressive, and he knew it.

"Your what?!" Maomao croaked.

"Welcome to your new place of work," Jinshi said. Maomao knew her jaw was hanging open.

"M-master Gaoshun, I was under the impression we were returning to the Rear Palace."

"We fired you once already, so we can't just put you back in the same position. You'll be working here in the Outer Court now. There are many public offices here. I'll show you around later," Gaoshun informed her.

Jinshi hadn't bothered to wait for them, heading straight through the gate to an elderly woman who was waiting for them at the base of a staircase into one of the two larger buildings. She smiled pleasantly at Master Jinshi. "Welcome home," she greeted. "It must have been cold."

Jinshi simply slid off his cloak and handed it over to her without much acknowledgement, as if he was used to being waited on in that way. Maomao had reached the woman by this point, and she turned over her shoulder to introduce herself. "I am Suiren, his attendant. You must be Xiamao."

"Uh, that's right," Maomao responded politely. She looked up at Gaoshun pointedly, though, and he looked away like he hadn't noticed her irritation that he had supplied his private nickname in place of her actual name.

She followed Suiren for a brief tour of the grounds. "There are two main buildings. One is the office. The other is the personal residence." They reached a branch in the covered walkway they were following. Suiren pointed out a specific door. "The area ahead is the young master's room."

The 'young master?' Master Jinshi? Why would I need to know where his bed is? Surely... no... either those aren't his intentions at all and Pairin has gotten into my head, or those are and he isn't going to bother being subtle about it, she mused.

"I'm sure you're going to be alright," Suiren said knowingly. Maomao swallowed. Suiren next showed her to her own bedroom, allowing her to enter alone to familiarize herself with the space. She noted that it was conveniently located to Master Jinshi's room. It was about the same size as the one she used at the Jade Pavilion when she was serving as Concubine Gyokuyou's taster. I hope they have a stove and a well nearby, she thought.

"Still, though, this place seems too well-built for a servant girl's quarters," she thought aloud.

"Xiaomao?" Suiren's creaky voice called from beyond the door.

"Yes?" she answered.

"The young master has summoned you."

Maomao made a point of keeping her head firmly on her shoulders, telling the lilting voice of Pairin in her mind to mind its own business as she made her way to answer master Jinshi's summons. She was very glad that she did, as he was quick to fill her in on exactly what he expected of her while she was in his service. Although Maomao silently debated whether she would have preferred being a bed warmer to being expected to study and take the court lady's exam to become the equivalent of a secretary.

Nevertheless, Maomao slept fitfully in her own bed that night, putting all thoughts of other possibilities aside, mostly. She woke up early and painted her freckles on while the sun's rays were only starting to hint at the horizon, donned the finely made but simple clothes that Suiren had provided to her, and exited her room. She spotted smoke rising from the kitchens and shuffled over to investigate, assuming that Lady Suiren might be in need of an extra pair of hands.

"Good morning to you, Lady Suiren," Maomao greeted when she entered.

"Oh, good morning, Xiaomao. It's good that you wake up early," Suiren expressed her approval of Maomao's habits.

"May I help?" she offered.

"It's fine, I'm almost done. But, if you don't mind, you can serve." The much older attendant smiled politely.

"Sure," Maomao agreed. "Um, where are the other attendants?" she wondered aloud.

"There are none," Suiren said. Maomao gasped softly, surprised that someone as obviously important as Master Jinshi would only have Suiren and Gaoshun attending to him. "The office responsibilities are fine, but I couldn't let anyone handle his personal affairs. The young master's food is especially out of the question." Am I not just anyone, then? Maomao wondered.

"So, you do all of this work by yourself?" Maomao asked.

"We had some young women in our employment a few times in the past, but well, let's just say none of them lasted long," Suiren answered cryptically. Maomao's mind instantly started running through hypothetical scenarios of why these young women would have been quickly dismissed one after another. Did they lace his food with aphrodisiacs? Or try to steal things?

"I challenge you to find anyone who enjoys finding unfamiliar underwear in their closet," Suiren offered much less cryptically. Maomao made a noise of disgust. She continued, "On top of that, it was made of human hair, if you can believe it."

Maomao cried out in astonishment. How twisted and obsessed with Master Jinshi would someone have to be to go to such lengths? It was horrifying to even imagine. "That's a lot to deal with," she muttered while staring into the corner and clutching her arms closely to her torso.

"Yes, it certainly was."

By the time they had prepared all of the food to be taken to Master Jinshi and brought it into his rooms, the eunuch was still asleep. Maomao rolled her eyes when Suiren entered his bedchamber to rouse him. The sight that greeted her when he emerged was not one she had thought to prepare herself for. Master Jinshi, only half awake and disheveled from sleep.

His hair was in disarray, and his clothes were hanging onto his shoulders by centimeters, exposing his unusually muscular torso for a eunuch. Maomao's focus honed in on that wide V of exposed skin with exclusively clinical curiosity. How has he built or maintained that kind of physique without his manhood? Does he have some sort of secret fitness regimen? Has he been taking something to provide his body with what his manhood no longer can? If he looks like this without his manhood, what would he have looked like if he still had it?

Maomao decided, for the sake of her sanity, that she should cast all thoughts relating to his manhood or lack thereof out of her mind. He didn't have it anymore, so there was no point in speculating. Especially about what would be possible if Jinshi still had it. No one would be safe from his pure sexual magnetism if that were the case. Even as a eunuch, he had so much wasted sex appeal in his barely dressed state, his eyes still groggy from sleep and his skin glowing...

It was no wonder they had to give up on hiring any more help besides Suiren. Any woman who saw Master Jinshi like that would lose herself easily. A man would pounce on him right away, too. He truly had a sin-inducing aura around him, like an insect during mating season.

Maybe somehow, I could bottle his unique scent and sell it as an aphrodisiac! Maomao thought. She wasn't able to go far beyond that train of thought because Master Jinshi paused his consumption of his breakfast to speak amiably to her. "If you desire, I can arrange a different room for you."

Maomao made a confused noise and just looked at him with wide eyes. I don't get it, but this may be my chance to get a stove and well, she thought. She caught Gaoshun's eye, and he seemed to be desperately trying to mentally communicate something to her, but Maomao for the life of her could not guess what it might be. If he wants me to understand, he needs to be more direct. I'll find some way to manage the stove, so for starters...

"In that case, how about a stable with a well nearby?" she asked, deferentially holding up her sleeved arms and closing her eyes.

"I think I misheard," Jinshi said.

"Yes, a stable and well," Maomao reiterated.

"Sorry, the answer's no." Jinshi dismissed the idea outright. Maomao just shrugged, not all that disappointed considering she would have already been perfectly content with her current living situation if he hadn't offered to move her to a different room. Did he have something in mind that he was hoping she would pick up on? That wasn't likely to happen given Maomao's propensity for missing such subtle cues.

Maomao spent most of the day touring the Outer Palace with Gaoshun, trying to pretend she had any hope of retaining all of the information he was throwing at her when it didn't interest her in the slightest, like the court lady exam preparation materials. When they returned, Suiren tasked her with delivering charcoal to Master Jinshi's office. Once she had completed that task, she was leaving his office when she noticed a group of five court ladies observing her brazenly.

Sizing up the new girl? Not a good atmosphere, she thought. Maomao didn't bother to acknowledge them and just walked away to start wiping down the doorframes. To her slight surprise, the women actually followed her around the corner of the building.

"You, runt," a brunette court lady with a fancy hairpin and breasts that could have earned her a place in the Rear Palace, if the Emperor could overlook her obviously abrasive personality, addressed her. "Just who do you think you are? Answer me! Just how does someone like you get assigned directly to Master Jinshi?"

In the face of Maomao's silence, her lackeys, except for the tall, dark-haired one standing at the back of the group, started talking over themselves to harass her. I guess staying quiet will only irritate them more. "I see. What you are saying is that you're all envious of me?"

The next thing Maomao saw was the ground when the court lady's slap swung Maomao's head down. "You watch your filthy mouth, wretch!" she shouted at Maomao, who sighed at having clearly not chosen her words well if she'd meant to appease them. She decided to change her approach, holding up her hands to convey her lack of aggression.

"Surely, you aren't implying that I am receiving special treatment." The court ladies gasped. Maomao continued, laying it on as thickly as she could without being overtly sarcastic, "No, I must have misunderstood you. There's no rational explanation for a heavenly maiden like him to fall for such an ugly girl like me. Ask yourselves, how could such a noble figure have such atrocious taste? I mean, going out of his way to eat chicken bones, when there is a banquet of delicious abalones and boar meat right in front of him? Maybe... you suspect he has some interesting proclivities? Honestly, I wouldn't get it myself, but his palate does seem rather unique. So, that's what you're implying..."

The buxom brunette gasped indignantly. "N-no! Don't put words in our mouths!" Her friends made similar protestations. One cut through the rest.

"Alright, so why did he take you on then?" the tall dark dark-haired woman asked. Maomao could see that there would be no easy way out of this. Best to end this confrontation quickly before the group of them draws too much attention. Maomao began unraveling her bandages that covered the forearm she used for testing her products.

"If you really must know..." The freshly offended skin that she had used to test her new burn paste glared bright red and swollen at them, lying over a patchwork of scarred skin. Maomao cringed dramatically when they gasped in horror and continued her affected performance. "He's a heavenly maiden with a heavenly heart, giving work to someone like me. If it weren't for his kindness, I don't know how someone in my state would earn a living."

The beat of silence while they wrestled with their guilt for accosting her, given their current impressions and the awkwardness of the interaction, was delicious. "Let's go," the ringleader mumbled. Her lackeys followed her lead, except for the tall, dark-haired one. She paused to scrutinize Maomao for a moment longer before joining the others.

Maomao dropped her performance. "Well, that was easy," she muttered.

"Interesting proclivities..." Jinshi's musical voice lilted from the other side of the building. Maomao started and turned to face him. He looked thoroughly unamused. "Question: Is being harassed a common occurrence for you?" he continued. "Also, why were you raising your left arm..."

"Pardon me," Maomao interrupted him, bowing and acting as if her direct superior hadn't just asked her a question. "I'm off to my next cleaning duty."

Jinshi remained unamused. "I trust you have been busy with studying."

Maomao again gave him no answer and slunk off down the walkway.

"Have you?!" he called after her.

"How did you fail?" Jinshi asked.

"What made you think I'd pass?" Maomao countered. She truly had taken a stab at studying, as the bags under her eyes from late nights would attest. It was just terribly difficult for her to focus on anything she didn't find interesting. Note-taking techniques and court inter-ministry hierarchies, not interesting.

Gaoshun groaned. "What should we do?"

"What should we do indeed?" Suiren echoed.

Jinshi pouted for a moment before getting a glint in his eye. "I suppose you will just have to make yourself useful in other ways. I'll take the night to think over how best to utilize your talents, since you are unwilling to acquire new ones. You're excused."

Maomao dropped her eyes to the floor as she left the room. Oh, she thought. So that is how it's going to be? Maomao always tried to avoid conjecture, but she could not shake Pairin's comments from her mind in light of this current development. It sounded like Jinshi was planning to give her the opportunity to have a real role in the Outer Court, but failing that, he would make use of her. It really was magnanimous. As Pairin said, he was generous, but no man buys a courtesan expecting nothing in return. If Jinshi wanted her to entertain him, she supposed she had little choice now.

"I guess I really should have studied," she muttered to herself.

Maomao was ready. No half measures. If I'm going to do this, I'm going to go all in, she motivated herself. She'd dug the 'attire' her sisters had given her from the trunk under her bed, taken off her freckles, and applied as much makeup as she could stand. She chose not to do her hair in a complicated design, just pinned it up with the silver hairpin Master Jinshi had given her some time ago. It was her first time wearing it, and sliding the elegant pin through her bun felt like sealing her fate. A tangible acceptance.

When Maomao was done, she examined herself in the looking glass. She was no Princess of the Verdigris house, but she would do. Good enough for Master Jinshi, at least. She scampered out of her room and down the walkway to Master Jinshi's room. She could only imagine Gaoshun and Suiren were aware of her... situation, but she wasn't fond of the idea of them seeing her dressed this way.

Maomao knocked hesitantly on Master Jinshi's door. There was no answer. She steeled herself and knocked again more confidently. Still no answer. Maomao shrugged and let herself in. The room was dark, and Master Jinshi didn't appear to be anywhere in the series of rooms. She supposed he was still working. "I guess I'll just wait here then," Maomao said resignedly.

She slid out of her outer garment, leaving only the sheer negligee underneath. The room was cold, and Maomao's nipples instantly pebbled in the chill air. She looked around the room, practically expecting Master Jinshi to materialize out of thin air. When he did not, she gathered her outer garment and draped it over a chair before padding barefoot over to his bed.

The plush surface loomed in her view, a point of no return. Maomao sighed and clenched her fists before setting herself down on it, positioning herself with her arms draped above her head and her legs together but inviting, just as Pairin coached her. Maomao stared up at the top of his canopy and repeated whatever internal mantras would keep her nerves at bay. She supposed it wouldn't be the worst thing. Master Jinshi was undeniably the most beautiful human being she had ever seen, and he had never shown any signs of concealed cruelty.

The worst case scenario would be for her to be at the mercy of a man with cruel proclivities, as often happened to courtesans who sold their bodies, but she was confident Master Jinshi would not mistreat her in that way. Indeed, there were far worse things than providing entertainment to a beautiful, kind eunuch. He might even endeavor to make it pleasant for her as well. He was almost enjoyable to be around when he loosened up a bit. Perhaps, after the initial encounter, she could settle into this nicely.

The door opened.

Maomao held her breath and felt her adrenaline spike. She watched Master Jinshi shuffle into the room, clearly tired from a long day doing paperwork. He placed his lantern on the central table of his sitting area and sighed. "What am I going to do with her?"

Maomao stiffened. Was he talking about her? Master Jinshi rubbed his face with his hands, dragging them down to his chin. He paused there, and confusion took over his features.

He walked over and picked up the dress she'd shed and left on the back of the chair. His back was to her. "This... is this the apothecary's dress? Why is it here?"

"Uh-oh," slipped out of her lips.

Luomen had hammered into Maomao's head that one should never operate on conjecture. Maomao realized she was in for a repeat of that lesson when Jinshi turned around and confusion turned to outright shock.

A loud clatter pierced the stillness of the room when Master Jinshi stumbled backward and fell over the chair, taking it down to the ground with him and landing in a most undignified heap. Maomao brought her arms down in front of her chest and sat up. She watched mutely as Master Jinshi stared wide-eyed at her, half his face hidden behind the chair as he peeked over it, sputtering but not successfully forming any words.

"Master Jinshi?" she prompted. "Are you alright?"

"Wha-wh-are-am I alright?! Are you alright? Why are you in-in m-my bed?! Wearing... that?!" Maomao had never seen Master Jinshi's face so red.

She held her arms out to the side to look down and examine herself, noting the strangled breath he took when she exposed the full, very sheer, garment again. "Do you not like it?"

"Of course not! I mean, of course I do! I mean, you look... but why do you look... GAH!!!" Master Jinshi stumbled to his feet and carded his fingers through his hair, straining his half-bun. Maomao just looked at him with wide eyes. He was visibly trying to keep his own eyes locked on hers, but failed when they, of their own volition, kept sweeping down her form.

He looked like a frightened baby deer. "Is this not how you wanted me to do it?" she asked.

"TO DO WHAT?!" he cried.

"To give myself to you," Maomao stated. Jinshi made another strangled sound that sounded somewhere between a gasp and a groan.

He took a step toward her, some of the shock wearing off his face. "Apothecary, what in heaven's name are you talking about?"

It was Maomao's turn to be confused. "You bought me. No man buys a courtesan unless he wants something from them."

Master Jinshi took a deep breath, gathered her dress from where he had dropped it on the floor, and hesitated. He took another fortifying breath and walked over to stand next to the bed. He wouldn't look at her, just held the dress out for her to take. Maomao did and held the gown against her chest.

"I did not buy out your contract expecting you to subject yourself to me in this manner," Jinshi said woodenly.

Maomao shrank slightly. "Well... don't you feel foolish, Master Jinshi?"

He met her eyes indignantly. "What?! Why should I feel foolish for what you assumed?!"

Maomao rose to her knees, but she was still far shorter than he was. "It wasn't a stretch. Nobody buys a courtesan without expecting something in return." She reached out to poke a finger into his chest, but he swiftly caught her wrist. The world swung, and suddenly Maomao was pinned on her back, her gown fallen to the side, with Jinshi caging her against his bed. His face was so close to hers, his robe brushing against the stiffened peaks of her nipples.

His lip was drawn up into a snarl, and Maomao felt an unfamiliar, but identifiable warmth in her lower abdomen. "And this is what you thought I would demand of you?" His voice was much lower than usual, certainly lower than you would expect from a eunuch.

"You said that you would find other uses for me. Is this not what you meant?" she asked placidly.

"I meant like running errands, cleaning, menial servant work," he answered.

"Ah, well, that was unclear. You should be more explicit," she needled.

"Explicit, huh?" Master Jinshi lowered his body weight so that his thighs pressed against hers. She suppressed a shiver. "And you were just going to accept that treatment from me, without a word of protest?"

"I'm just a lowly servant. What else could I do?" she challenged.

Jinshi growled. It was a very attractive sound from him, she had to admit. "You were just going to accept that treatment from me?! You really believed that I would just use you like that?!"

"Why else would you buy me from the Verdigris House?"

"Because you didn't deserve that!" he shouted.

Maomao scowled. "Does anyone deserve that?" Master Jinshi was silent. "Besides, I wasn't taking customers yet. I told you that."

"That doesn't matter!" he shouted. "I didn't want you to ever be in a position where you would have to sell yourself like that to any man." He sat back, taking his body heat with him. He placed her dress back over her and averted his eyes. "Including myself."

Maomao was stunned. She had really miscalculated his motives, and rather than being embarrassed, Master Jinshi seemed more offended than anything. She stood from the bed, padded over behind his folding privacy screen, and redressed.

When she came back out, Master Jinshi seemed to have composed himself a little better. Maomao stood awkwardly in the center of the room, waiting to be dismissed. He seemed conflicted. "Is everything alright, Master Jinshi?"

He sighed and stood, going to the door. He placed a hand on it, but did not open it, nor did he turn to face her. Maomao walked closer to him and eyed him curiously. "Master Jinshi?"

"Apothecary." His voice was barely above a whisper as he turned just enough to reach his hand out and lightly caress his silver hairpin in her bun, but would not meet her eyes. "Please don't be offended by my reaction. You are... You are a beautiful woman, but the last thing I would ever want would be for you to offer yourself to me because you felt obligated to do so. You're worth so much more than that." Jinshi opened the door and held it open while Maomao mutely walked through it. She felt like she was missing something.

Just as she turned around to get one last look at Master Jinshi, the door slid closed in her face.

Chapter Text

The Emperor had warned Zuigetsu all his life about never forgetting who he was. He told him that forgetting who he was, Ka Zuigetsu, a man of power and influence, and what that meant for everyone around him, would lead to bad things. Yet, when the eunuch Jinshi offered to buy the Apothecary’s contract from the Verdigris House for an insignificant amount of money, he thought nothing of it. He had no intentions beyond making sure that no slimy brothel patron ever so much as breathed on his… on the Apothecary.

That was what he told himself. The Apothecary was a valuable asset who would be wasted as a courtesan. Her true talents were not in music, dancing, or… anything else that would be of use in a brothel… he hoped. Her mind was an incredible thing. If she had to languish in a place that valued only her body and let her brilliant mind go unused, the Empire would be a worse place for it. And Jinshi had the money to make sure she was where she belonged, in the Palace… with him… because he could give her a place to put her mind to use. 

So, as he was negotiating with the Madame, he silenced any other voice in his mind besides the logical one. When Gaoshun asked him if he was sure about buying her contract, saying something about implications, Jinshi waved him off. He was too focused on signing all of the paperwork to get her out of there as soon as possible.

On the day Jinshi went to pick the Apothecary up from the Verdigris House, he couldn’t seem to stop replaying certain moments in his mind while the carriage clattered down the road: The first time he saw her, when she brushed by him, muttering about writing to warn the concubines about the poisonous makeup powder. The first time he spoke to her, when she was completely unaffected by his charms and literally brushed him off. The first time he saw her excited, dancing around the doctor’s supply room. The first time he saw her let her anger loose and completely break Concubine Lihua’s lady down, shaming her unrepentantly for her vain negligence. The first time he saw her without her freckles, dressed like a proper lady of the court, and instantly realized that he missed them. 

He also remembered how he felt when she explained why she takes the time to paint freckles onto her face every morning. He wanted to hurt the lecherous men of the Red Light District who made a young girl feel so afraid for her safety that she would resort to attempting to diminish herself. He wanted to protect the young woman that girl had grown to be. 

He remembered the gut-wrenching feeling that had stolen his breath when he thought she had bartered herself to that Military officer, Lihaku, rather than choosing to accept Jinshi’s offer. He remembered, barely, how comforting it was to hold her in his arms on the night before Concubine Ah-Duo left the Rear Palace. He wasn’t entirely sure why she allowed it, but he liked to think she sensed his vulnerability and just gave him space to mourn Concubine Ah-Duo’s departure without judgment or pressing him to act in any certain way. That was what he liked best about the Apothecary; she was not impressed with the persona he put out to the world, and she made no effort to conceal any part of herself. She inspired him, without even trying to, to let a little more of himself peek through around her. He felt more comfortable with her scowling at him than he did with a room of court ladies swooning over him.

That was why he sulked so much when she left the Rear Palace. He knew he wanted to keep her around, but he didn’t realize just how attached to her he had become until she was gone and there was a gaping hole left in his life where she should be. Gaoshun attempted to distract him from her absence, the way he always did when something was bothering Jinshi, but the Apothecary wasn’t just some toy that could be replaced. She was a one-of-a-kind person. Still, he had allowed Gaoshun to talk him into going to that pointless party at some nobelman’s estate that he didn’t care to know. 

He was beyond glad he did, though. After he had spent the entire night refusing to do anything but drink alone in the corner, the Apothecary had appeared by his side as if conjured by his own pining thoughts. The realization that she was there in an entertainment role, that she had fallen in with courtesans following her termination, had sent him into a panic. She had sworn that she wasn’t taking customers, but even if she had been, Jinshi would still have wasted no time in declaring his intent to buy her out. Then, he had accidentally touched her lips. The warmth that had spread through him was anything but subtle. He didn’t know what had possessed him to do so, probably the alcohol, but when he pressed those same fingers to his own lips, he felt something shift within himself–something he couldn’t, or wouldn’t, name.

The carriage jostled Jinshi from his thoughts as it stopped in front of the Verdigris House. He took a deep breath before stepping out into the chilly winter air. She would be safe now. Once the Apothecary was under his wing, he would make sure that no one would mistreat her or expect anything from her but her brilliance and skill.

When the Apothecary and her retinue entered the foyer, Jinshi was forced to confront that thing he had been refusing to name. She was beautiful. Her headdress was more lavish than even those worn by the Three Princesses flanking her. Her clothing was finely made, and her fur-trimmed cloak looked warm and comfortable. He was glad they thought to make sure she would not be cold. 

She approached him without any hesitation, and all he could think was that she looked like a bride. With the women escorting her, her elegant attire, and makeup, it very much looked like she was a young woman being handed off to her future husband. That thought made blood roar in his ears. 

When she got close enough, he noticed her freckles were gone, and couldn’t avoid a slight twinge of disappointment. Though he knew they were not her natural appearance, they were how she looked when he was getting to know her, when he was realizing how special she was.

"Please take care of our little girl," one of her sisters implored him cheerfully. The woman next to her giggled. "We got her all dolled up for you."

The Madame was unamused by their teasing and laid into the Apothecary about the details of a deal that Jinshi made note to ask her about later.

When she finally looked his way, settling her sapphire eyes on him, Jinshi couldn’t suppress the heat that rose in his cheeks. “Let’s go,” was all she said. Her gaze was far steadier than he felt, and he stuttered out an affirmative answer. He knew he was staring at her like a fool, but he couldn’t help it. She bade farewell to the women of the Verdigris House, and he and Gaoshun escorted her outside. 

Jinshi wanted to say something to her. All he could think of, though, were thoughts he was quite sure she would not care to hear about from him of all people. Because they weren’t speaking as they neared the carriage, the comments of the public cut right into his ears.

“She’s beautiful!” one man said reverently.

“Have you ever seen her at the Verdigris House?” his companion commented.

Their leering gazes set him on edge. He felt paranoia creeping in, and his eyes shifted around the men milling about. Any one of them could be the kind of men that the Apothecary learned to fear. None of them, abusers or not, deserved to look at her like that, to think about her like that. He could admit it was hypocritical because his thoughts were leaning in a similar direction. The potato starch mixture he drank every night did wonders to suppress his more… masculine urges and help him pass as a eunuch, but whatever had been unlocked in his mind was strong enough to fluster him regardless. He had been drawn to her for months now, subconsciously, regularly seeking her company and attention. Now that he had to acknowledge it, he knew he’d been feeling this way for some time. Jinshi imagined what it would be like if she were his bride, if he were taking her to his estate to prepare for a wedding ceremony with the blessing of their families.

The warm feeling that settled in his breast when he imagined a life with her was most surprising in how little it did surprise him. It felt right. Still, it was a fantasy. He was not yet free from the looming yoke of the throne. Until one of the high-ranking concubines, most likely Concubine Gyokuyou or Concubine Lihua, birthed a son, he could not with any confidence offer her a life that might appeal to her. He was certain that she would not want to share the life that would await him if the Emperor never managed to sire another heir. It would be selfish of him to try to convince her to do so. Just as she was not suited to life as a courtesan, neither would she be suited to life as a concubine, just one woman out of many belonging to a man of power. It was unthinkable. 

If anyone managed to earn the Apothecary’s affections, Jinshi could only assume the life she would want would be a simple one, where she could continue her work and live as she pleased without stringent expectations. As much as he wanted to delve deeper into his fantasies, until he could offer her the life she deserved, he would only be setting himself up for disappointment.

“I hope you realize this is your fault,” the Apothecary broke the silence in the carriage. Jinshi hummed in confusion and turned to look at her. “All of this unwanted attention.”

He leaned forward, and his mouth began to respond before his brain caught up with it. “That’s because you look–” When the Apothecary shifted her gaze to him and widened her piercing eyes, he froze. Only a small, nondescript sound eeked out of his lungs while he stared back at her.

“I look what?” she prompted. He had almost told her exactly what he thought about her, but he caught himself and shied away. He hid his blush by looking out the window and dismissed the topic. The Apothecary did not press him further, and he sulked, not knowing what to do with all of these emotions. 

He was tormented the entire way back to the palace. When they arrived at the gate, the guard who was not checking their travel documents was obviously gawking at the Apothecary, and it irked him. He forced himself to maintain his composure and plastered his eunuch smile on as he stood, stooping due to the carriage’s low ceiling, and let his cloak fall forward to block the Apothecary from the guard’s stare. “You’ve done good work. May we go, now?” The honeyed words dripped from his lips, and they seemed to do the trick.

Even as the carriage lurched forward and they pulled out of the guards’ sights, Jinshi could not shake his disquiet. Is this what feeling emotionally attached to a beautiful woman was like? Would he always notice the way others looked at her and be constantly alert for anyone who might wish to do her harm? They weren’t in the Red Light District anymore, but Jinshi knew better than most how monsters could wear the faces of men.

“By the way, while you’re here, you should wear your usual freckles,” Jinshi suggested.

“Huh?” the Apothecary asked. Jinshi didn’t elaborate immediately. He wasn’t sure how to politely explain, ‘You are a beautiful woman, and very small. It would be easy for the worst kinds of men to take advantage of you if given the opportunity.’

The Apothecary saved him from that uncomfortable topic by casually agreeing. “If you say so.” 

Jinshi wasn’t exactly able to rest easy with that knowledge, because it was not a minute later that they arrived at his home, and he had to once again watch men stop on the street to oggle the Apothecary. His irritation won over his polished demeanor, and he found himself actively moving to block her from their sight and glaring at the men in question. An illogical wave of possessiveness overtook him, and it scared him. He needed to get a handle on his emotions. Gaoshun caught his eye, and the older man’s steady, pointed gaze communicated to Jinshi that he could see right through him. He always could. It reminded Jinshi of the reality of their situation, that she was not his in that way.

“And this place is?” she asked, prompting Jinshi to forcibly affect an air of nonchalant smugness. 

“Oh, just my house,” he answered.

The Apothecary did not attempt to conceal her astonishment. “Huh? Your what?” she asked.

“Welcome to your new place of work, Apothecary.” Jinshi heard her address Gaoshun, but he did not stay to listen to the conversation. He needed to get space between himself and the Apothecary. He needed to clear his head. He faintly heard Suiren greet him at the door, but he was a thousand miles away. 

A few hours later, Gaoshun broached the topic of the Apothecary with him while he was catching up on work that he was supposed to be doing while he was arranging the deal and transfer with the Verdigris House. 

“Master Jinshi,” he began.

“Yes, Gaoshun?”

“I touched on the matter briefly before, but I must ask what your intentions are with Xiaomao,” Gaoshun spoke evenly.

Jinshi dropped his writing brush, splattering ink on the document he was in the midst of signing. “Excuse me?”

“Forgive my bluntness, but I believe it is important to be clear about Xiaomao’s purpose here. Since she cannot resume her previous position for Concubine Gyokuyou, and you purchased her contract from the Verdigiris House, you should make it very clear what you expect from her,” Gaoshun stated.

Jinshi nodded. She was probably eager to hear what exactly her job would be. The Apothecary always preferred to be prepared for the task ahead of her. “I was thinking she could take the court lady’s exam. She is brilliant, so I am sure she could pass easily if she set her mind to it.”

Gaoshun nodded. “Understood, Master Jinshi. I will acquire the study materials for her.” He bowed and began to exit Jinshi’s office, but stopped just before the door. “Master Jinshi?”

“Yes, Gaoshun?” he asked.

The older man did not speak for a moment, appearing to choose his words carefully. “You won’t expect anything more than that from Xiamao, right?”

Jinshi tilted his head. “Of course, Gaoshun. What else would she be suited for in the Outer Court?”

Gaoshun shook his head and bowed again. “Disregard me, then, Master Jinshi. I will return with the materials for Xiamao.”

After he left, Jinshi stared at the door for a little while. He felt like there was something Gaoshun had left unsaid, but he didn’t know what.

That night, he was plagued by thoughts of the Apothecary. She was there, asleep, in his home. It had seemed like a fantastic idea for her to live there before that day. He wouldn’t have to come up with excuses to see her regularly, he could keep general tabs on her, and he wouldn’t have to go far to get her help or to help her with anything. Yet, as he lay in his bed, he had to rip his sheets off because he felt a heat overtaking him. Jinshi was younger than his persona would suggest, and he had been taking the suppressant for several years now. He had never felt this all-consuming feeling… desire before.

He felt ashamed for thinking about the Apothecary in that way and kept muscling his thoughts to more platonic places, but every time he let his guard down, he’d remember holding her against him in the cold winter night. He’d wonder how it would feel without their many layers of winter clothes between them.

Jinshi groaned in frustration and ran his hands roughly through his hair. He rose and sat in his window, staring out into the night. Another unwelcome thought slid to the forefront of his mind. What does she think of me? Did the Apothecary simply see him as a high-ranking official? Or did she see him as a man? Jinshi knew with unshakeable certainty that he was a handsome man. Beyond handsome. The Apothecary surely was aware of his physical charms, but did they incite anything in her? Unless they were talking about rare medicinal ingredients or poisons, it was almost impossible to tell what she was thinking.

He thumped his head back against the wood of the window frame. Of course, she didn’t see him as a man. As far as she knew, he wasn’t a full man, only a eunuch. He probably didn’t even enter into the equation for her when she was considering potential partners, if that was something she would spend her time thinking about. Perhaps, if he told her the truth…

Should he tell her? The Apothecary was perfectly capable of discretion. He didn’t like hiding from her, and he would prefer to be honest with her in general. And… if she knew that he was in fact a young man, near her own age, fully equipped to do everything lovers do… would she want him the way he undeniably wanted her now? If she would give him even the slightest glimmer of hope, he would pursue the goal of becoming a man she’d allow to be truly close to her with a single-minded determination.

Those kinds of thoughts kept him awake until the rays of the rising sun could be seen cresting over the walls. He grumbled to himself as he lugged his tired limbs back into the center of the room. He retrieved his robe, and a sleep-deprivation-inspired idea struck him. He didn’t have to directly ask the Apothecary if she found him desirable. If he wanted to know, he could present her with a tableau that would incite enough of a reaction to break through even her neutral exterior.

That was how Jinshi found himself sitting in front of Gaoshun, Suiren, and the Apothecary with his hair carefully tousled and his robes indecently askew. He made sure that the sleeves hung just low enough on his shoulders to expose the defined lines of his torso and abdominal muscles, rewards for the hours of physical training he dedicated to the sword, riding, and archery. If concubines, eunuchs, and officials alike could not stop themselves from throwing themselves at him when he was fully clothed, Jinshi was certain that his current, fresh-out-of-bed appearance would be impossible to resist. He knew he looked like sin incarnate. If this didn’t get a reaction out of her, nothing would.

“So, Apothecary,” he addressed her when he noticed her staring at him. “How did you sleep? Do you like your room?” Jinshi had taken great care in preparing that room for her. He fastidiously selected furnishings that would be nice enough that she would feel cared for and valued, but not so nice that she would outright reject them. He was eager to hear if she appreciated that effort, even if she was unaware of it. He also wanted any hint that he was not the only one who was up all night pathetically yearning.

The Apothecary didn’t answer. She just continued to stare at him. Jinshi perked up, pleased with her distraction. Could she actually be distracted by my appearance? “If you desire it, I can arrange a different room for you.”

This got her attention, but she looked confused. Jinshi repressed the urge to smirk triumphantly. Even if it didn’t mean what the ever-growing selfish part of him hoped it meant, he would categorize distraction as a reaction, by the Apothecary’s standards. He was prepared to call it a tiny victory and move on. He brought his spoon back up to continue his breakfast.

“In that case, how about a stable with a well nearby?” she requested.

This instantly soured Jinshi’s mood. Had he so drastically misjudged her needs? “I think I misheard,” Jinshi attempted to clarify.

The Apothecary did not even look at him, maintaining her servile stance, lowered head, and closed eyes. “Yes, a stable and well.”

In a heartbeat, Jinshi allowed his disappointment with himself to redirect into petty dismissal. “Sorry, the answer’s no.” He’d put a lot of time into her room. To hear that it was apparently sorely lacking in her eyes hurt his feelings. His ever-growing inclination to move the sun and the moon if she asked him to was momentarily overshadowed by this.

The Apothecary didn’t seem bothered in the slightest.

The first time he ran into the Apothecary out and about the Outer Palace was not nearly as pleasant as he had imagined it would be. The court ladies who were crowding the Apothecary were clearly hostile, and Jinshi’s hackles rose, prompting him to pick up his pace. They were so focused on her, they didn’t notice his approach down the walkway. When the ringleader struck the Apothecary, Jinshi’s stomach lurched up into his throat. 

“You watch your filthy mouth, wretch!” the court lady spat while Jinshi acted. Anticipating his reaction, as he lunged forward, Gaoshun’s iron grip locked on his master’s shoulder.

“Gaoshun–” Jinshi hissed. He stopped when he caught the older man’s stern look. 

“Please, Master Jinshi, trust Xiaomao to handle herself until proven otherwise.”

Jinshi clenched his jaw. Gaoshun’s words spoke to the sensible part of his mind, but that part needed a little help taking the reins from the part of his mind that was blinded by anger and the desire to make an example of all of those court ladies. So, Jinshi clenched his fists hard enough to crack his knuckles and put painful strain on the small bones.

After a few breaths, he held up his hands in defeat. Gaoshun let go of him, and he started slowly inching closer to make sure he did not miss any more of the conversation. “–  special treatment,” the Apothecary was saying. The horrid women gasped. 

"No, I must have misunderstood you. There's no rational explanation for a heavenly maiden like him to fall for such an ugly girl like me. Ask yourselves, how could such a noble figure have such atrocious taste? I mean, going out of his way to eat chicken bones, when there is a banquet of delicious abalones and boar meat right in front of him? Maybe... you suspect he has some interesting proclivities? Honestly, I wouldn't get it myself, but his palate does seem rather unique. So, that's what you're implying..." 

Every word out of the Apothecary’s mouth only further unsettled Jinshi. To hear her put herself down so harshly in comparison to these vapid women. They clearly desired him, and they were jealous of her for simply getting to be near him. None of them compared to her, and it had nothing to do with their appearances. They acted this possessively over him when they knew nothing about him. He had never even spoken to a single one of them. Did they think that would be attractive? The Apothecary outclassed all of them without considering appearance. Taking appearances into account only hurt their case even more. The Apothecary was beautiful, and it hurt him to hear her say otherwise.

She was on the thin side, but Jinshi attributed that to her penchant for hyperfixating on her work and completely disregarding her own wellbeing. If she had someone in her life who would make sure she ate regularly, she’d probably fill out a little and be a lot healthier overall. Jinshi felt a burning urge to be that person for her and to be the one who reminded her that nothing that just came out of her mouth approached reality, like implying that his being attracted to her would qualify as an ‘interesting proclivity’, like there would be something to be ashamed of for desiring her. Jinshi would openly declare it in the middle of the court if he were in a position to do so. Even if she was only saying all of that to defuse the conflict, it bothered Jinshi deeply.

"If you really must know..." He focused again on the Apothecary’s voice and watched as she lifted her arm up to show something to the women. From where he was standing, he couldn’t see it, but whatever was there provoked a strong reaction from the court ladies. He slunk closer, but she had already put her arm away. He was just around the corner and was proud of his stealth in the middle of the day, that no one had noticed him. "He's a heavenly maiden with a heavenly heart, giving work to someone like me. If it weren't for his kindness, I don't know how someone in my state would earn a living."

The brunette who had slapped the Apothecary, whose face was burned into Jinshi’s memory, muttered something to her posse, and they all retreated.

"Well, that was easy," the Apothecary mumbled once they were out of sight. Jinshi took that as his cue to address the matter with her. He needed to determine if this was something that required him to act.

"Interesting proclivities..." Jinshi quoted from his vantage point. The Apothecary jumped and turned to face him. He hoped his face conveyed the depth of his displeasure with what he had just witnessed. "Question: Is being harassed a common occurrence for you?" he continued. "Also, why were you raising your left arm..."

"Pardon me," the Apothecary interrupted him, bowing and outright dismissing the question. "I'm off to my next cleaning duty."

Jinshi clenched his fist again. She didn’t want to talk about it. He could… he could respect that. If she didn’t want his help, he couldn’t make her accept it. He reluctantly dropped the issue and changed the subject. "I trust you have been busy with studying."

The Apothecary again gave him no answer and slunk off down the walkway.

"Have you?!" he called after her.

She failed. How did she fail? She is utterly brilliant. Jinshi sat with his head in his hands, toiling in his office late into the night, trying to come up with any way to properly utilize the Apothecary’s talents in the Outer Court without having her work as a court lady. He didn’t free her from the Verdigris House just so she could wash his clothes, but her failure had slashed their options to the bone. 

Guen, the Quack Doctor, as she called him, had warmed up to her after seeing how competent she was, but the physicians in the Outer Court were all intact men, and consequently even less likely to be welcoming to her. There was also the small matter of it being technically against the law for her, as a woman, to make medicine. Perhaps he could speak with the Emperor about granting her a special exemption? He tore up several drafts of a letter broaching the topic and asking for a meeting with him before he called it a night, overwrought from fretting over her future. 

As he trudged back to his rooms, guided by the light of his lantern, he prepared himself to once again spend his night tormented by thoughts of the Apothecary. It occurred to him that, if he couldn’t find a job for her, he could always offer to marry her. He wouldn’t say he loved her yet, but he didn’t doubt for a moment that he was on his way. Even if she would hypothetically accept him, she would be terribly bored just being someone’s wife. She would still want an occupation that interested her. He chuckled when he imagined her showing open defiance if she married the crown prince and was told she could not be her own food taster. 

If he managed to be free of the crown, and somehow managed to earn her affection, and managed to find an arrangement that gave her fulfillment in her life, he imagined his life would be as perfect as any man could reasonably hope. He allowed himself to indulge in the fantasy. It was getting harder and harder to stop himself. He imagined that he was coming home from a long day toiling away at whatever office his brother assigned him to after replacing him in the line of succession. He imagined that the Apothecary was his wife, and she was waiting at home for him. Perhaps she was already in their bed, exhausted from a long day of experimenting with all of the rare medicinal ingredients he had acquired for her. He would walk through the door to their rooms, take her into his arms, and call her by her name. Or maybe he would just let her sleep, just watch over her as she lay against his chest, listen to her breathing, and bask in his good fortune, how she had opened up her heart and trusted him to care for it.

He sighed and opened his door, taunted by those images his mind was becoming more and more adept at conjuring. He set his lantern down on a low table and sighed again. “What am I going to do with her?”

He rubbed his face in exasperation and froze when his eyes landed on something out of place. He circled a chair and picked up some fabric that was draped over it. There was a red dress with gold trim and a teal overrobe with red trim. It was incredibly short. “This… is this the Apothecary’s dress? Why is it here?” His mind stuttered trying to make sense of what was in front of him. 

“Uh-oh,” a voice whispered from his bed. Jinshi whirled to face the source, and his mind screeched to a halt, completely incapable of processing what his eyes were seeing. He stumbled backwards and collided with the chair. His center of gravity tipped, and he fell over it in a tangle of the dress and his own long limbs. He groaned softly and lifted his head just high enough to peer over the toppled chair and make another attempt to discern reality from what had to be a waking dream.

There, as if conjured directly from the shameful fantasies he had been indulging in just moments ago, the Apothecary was lying in his bed. She was… heaven help him, what was she wearing?! Barely anything. The scrap of sheer fabric she was wearing did not conceal any of her body. Her body… he could see… A kick from a horse couldn’t have knocked the breath out of his lungs harder.

Beautiful… oh, she’s so beautiful… but… why?! Has to be a dream. Sleep deprived, hallucinating now.

The Apothecary mercifully covered her breasts with her arms and sat up to look down at him, and Jinshi felt a shiver run through him as she leveled him with her steady, impassive gaze. “Master Jinshi? Are you alright?” she spoke.

Is she… she’s talking. Is this real? Am I dead? Did I work myself to death? “Wha-wh-are-am I alright?! Are you alright? Why are you in-in m-my bed?! Wearing... that?!" Jinshi needed his mind to function, but all he could focus on was keeping himself planted on the floor and not rushing over to— NO!

The Apothecary removed the slim barrier of her arms, and his eyes hungrily devoured the slight swell of her breasts. His mouth went dry, and he couldn’t restrain the pathetic sound that escaped him. His breath started to come faster. “Do you not like it?” she asked him.

"Of course not! I mean, of course I do! I mean, you look... but why do you look... GAH!!!" Jinshi stumbled to his feet, making a conscious effort now to keep his eyes fixed on her face, but that didn’t do anything to help restrain the wild and lascivious thoughts that were rampaging inside of him. He raked his fingers through his hair, straining his half-bun. The Apothecary just kept looking at him with those perfect, piercing eyes of hers. He noticed she wasn’t wearing her freckles. His eyes rebelled and traced down her body to drink her in again. He knew this was a literal dream made manifest, but something felt off. It didn’t make sense. 

Had she somehow noticed his desire and reciprocated it? That didn’t seem right. Why would she have jumped to this? It seemed too bold for her. If she were declaring that she shared his affections, she wouldn’t do it like this. Unless, maybe Jinshi really didn’t know her as well as he thought he did?

"Is this not how you wanted me to do it?" she asked.

"TO DO WHAT?!" he cried. He needed this to make sense soon. He was dying to go over to her and touch her – to participate in whatever she had in mind with an eagerness that would convey without needing any words exactly what he felt about her. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was missing something.

"To give myself to you," the Apothecary stated. Jinshi made another strangled sound that sounded somewhere between a gasp and a groan.

His feet began to carry him closer to her, but he needed to be sure he understood her perfectly. "Apothecary, what in heaven's name are you talking about?"

She tilted her head to the side, and a glint of silver in her hair caught the light. My hairpin. She’s wearing my hairpin. A surge of something possessive, something distinctly male, ran through his body at the sight of it. The hairpin was a physical declaration of his affection for her, and she had accepted it, like she had marked herself as his. Jinshi wanted to – "You bought me. No man buys a courtesan unless he wants something from them."

Oh… 

That rising wave of elation and lust crashed violently against the rocks and retreated to the sea, leaving a void that was instantly filled by pain. She thinks… she really thinks…

He took a deep breath and turned away from her, only then allowing his face to contort in anguish. He retrieved her dress from where he had left it on the floor and stopped. He had lost all confidence in his ability to interact with her. Part of him was deflated by the knowledge that she didn’t view him with the same regard he held for her, that she viewed what she had offered him as transactional. But even worse than that… Jinshi had known he exasperated her at times. He enjoyed pushing her buttons to get any reaction out of her. He never would have suspected she thought so little of his character, though. Jinshi felt a numbness spreading through him. 

He took another breath to steady himself and returned to her, coming closer than before to offer her dress. He couldn’t bring himself to look at her, though. He didn’t want to see the judgment he was sure was in her eyes. He didn’t deserve to look at her as exposed as she was, knowing what she thought of his intentions. The Apothecary took the gown and used it to cover her front.

"I did not buy out your contract expecting you to subject yourself to me in this manner," Jinshi said woodenly. He almost didn’t want to bother. Once someone viewed you in such a light, how did you even come back from that? She thought he was the lowest of the low. And yet, he couldn’t let her leave without making sure it was clear to her that she was safe.

The Apothecary slumped a bit, then eyed him with an expression he couldn’t name. "Well... don't you feel foolish, Master Jinshi?"

His numbness gave way to incredulity, and he met her eyes again. "What?! Why should I feel foolish for what you assumed?!"

The Apothecary rose to her knees, but she was still far shorter than he was. He hated the way his heart clenched, knowing what he knew now. "It wasn't a stretch. Nobody buys a courtesan without expecting something in return." She reached out to poke a finger into his chest, but he reflexively caught her wrist. The contact of their skin and her words ignited an anger in him. He was angry at her… for how she so thoroughly mischaracterized him and for the fact that she came here to allow herself to be… Before he knew what he was doing, he had tipped them and pinned the Apothecary down, her gown fallen to the side, with Jinshi caging her against his bed. Their faces were close enough that he could kiss her if he let himself drop a few inches, and he hated that he still wanted to. He was burning with shame, anger, and desire in equal measure.

He snarled in frustration. He tried to force himself to think clearly. He needed to choose his words carefully. "And this is what you thought I would demand of you?" His voice dropped low, accusatory.

"You said that you would find other uses for me. Is this not what you meant?" she asked placidly.

"I meant like running errands, cleaning, menial servant work," he answered.

"Ah, well, that was unclear. You should be more explicit," she needled. 

"Explicit, huh?" Jinshi despised the way the probably unintended double meaning in her words sent a bolt of desire through his body. He lowered his weight so that his thighs pressed against hers. She just stared at him. Her eyes seemed like they could see right to his heart, see how crushed and mangled it felt in his chest. "And you were just going to accept that treatment from me, without a word of protest?"

"I'm just a lowly servant. What else could I do?" she challenged.

Jinshi growled. That logic infuriated him, but not because she was wrong. He knew she was just being pragmatic. It was true that if his intentions had been that base, she would not have been in a position to deny him. He was all too familiar with the propensity of men of power to abuse those who were vulnerable to them, but Jinshi could not describe the agony it caused him to know that the Apothecary saw him as being cut from the same cloth as… him. "You were just going to accept that treatment from me?! You really believed that I would just use you like that?!"

"Why else would you buy me from the Verdigris House?"

"Because you didn't deserve that!" he shouted without thinking.

The Apothecary scowled at him. "Does anyone deserve that?" Jinshi was silent. "Besides, I wasn't taking customers yet. I told you that."

"That doesn't matter!" he shouted. "I didn't want you to ever be in a position where you would have to sell yourself like that to any man." He sat back, the anger leaving him. He felt… tired. He placed her dress back over her and averted his eyes, staring at a dark corner of the room like it contained all of the darkness of his mind that he was now being forced to face directly. "Including myself."

The Apothecary did not answer him. She stood from the bed, padded over behind his folding privacy screen, and redressed.

While she did so, Jinshi wallowed. He thought back to the many lectures his brother had given him over the years. “Zui, never forget who you are. You are Ka Zuigetsu, a man of power and influence. Never forget what that means. If you do, you will cause pain for the people closest to you. Our purpose on this earth is to protect the people of the Empire. We wield incredible power and authority. You must only use it to better the lives of others. That power can be so easily abused, and it has been. People are right to fear us now. We must be understanding of that, aware of it, and unimpeachable in our own conduct. Do you understand me, Zui?” Jinshi wanted to crawl into a hole and die. This wasn’t her fault. It was his. He had forgotten who he was. He had forgotten that he held power over the lives of everyone in the empire except for one man. He technically held the Apothecary’s life in his hands like a fragile bird. He would never hurt her, but it seemed… she did not know that. He had given her reason to doubt that by being careless about the implications of his actions.

"Is everything alright, Master Jinshi?" The Apothecary recalled him from the dark corners of his self-loathing. She was standing awkwardly in the center of the room, waiting to be dismissed. He groaned internally. She was still so damn beautiful. It wasn’t fair.

He sighed and stood, going to the door. He placed a hand on it, but did not open it, nor did he turn to face her. The Apothecary walked closer to him. "Master Jinshi?"

"Apothecary." His voice was barely above a whisper as he turned just enough to reach his hand out and lightly caress his silver hairpin in her bun, but could not meet her eyes. "Please don't be offended by my reaction. You are... You are a beautiful woman, but the last thing I would ever want would be for you to offer yourself to me because you felt obligated to do so. You're worth so much more than that." Jinshi opened the door and held it open while the Apothecary mutely walked through it. He wanted to call her back, lay his heart completely open to her gaze, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

When he slid the door shut behind her, Jinshi turned back to the empty room and crumpled. His back hit the door, and he slid down to the floor. He didn’t openly sob, but he was unable to restrain the tears that trailed down his cheeks. How had he messed this up so thoroughly? How could he have made her feel like he only saw her as something to be used for his own amusement when she was… She was quickly becoming central to his existence. And he’d made her think…

She hadn’t been wrong in assuming he wanted her. He did, desperately. But not like this. If she had come to him of her own volition, driven by her own desire for him, nothing would have kept Jinshi from falling into her embrace and tying her to him for the rest of their lives. But this… Jinshi spiraled, curling his legs to his chest and tearing at his hair. This wasn’t her fault. He had to… he had to make it up to her. She had made assumptions, but she was operating on such limited information. Jinshi would have to fix that. He had to tell her… everything. No matter what she thought of him after he laid everything on the table, she deserved to know. She deserved to make her own decision about him once she knew who he was… and what he truly wanted from her.