Chapter Text
My name is Eric Cartman, I’m 16 years old, and I live in South Park. About a week ago I got into my 10th fight of the school year (school started 4 weeks ago), and now my stupid school is forcing me to go to therapy. I’m not one of those mentally ill or retarded people. I DONT need therapy. I’m FINE! But if I don’t go, I like get arrested and sent to a psychiatric ward, or something like that.
I reluctantly get out of my bed, change into my usual clothes, and go to the bathroom where Cupid me is waiting for me.
“What the hell do you want Cupid me.” I start brushing my teeth.
”Oh nothing! Teehee! I just wanted to ask how your day was going! Teehee!” Cupid me started to play in the sink water.
”Well I literally just woke up so that makes literally no sense.” I swat him away so that I can continue brushing my teeth.
“Don’t push me away! I just want the best for you!” Cupid me stands on the faucet.
I was about to respond but I heard the doorknob twisting and turned to face it.
“MOM! THIS IS MY BATHROOM AND ITS OCCUPIED!!!” I yelled as I opened the door.
There was no one there? What the fuck? I closed the door and turned back to face Cupid me and to continue brushing my teeth.
But Cupid me wasn’t there, “Cupid me where did you go?” When he didn’t respond, I shrugged and continued to brush my teeth.
Once I finished brushing my teeth I started to use the toilet and scroll on my phone. I came across one of Kyle’s shitty TikToks, he was dancing to some cringe song. Ew.
”Eric! Hunny! You’re going to miss the bus!” My mom knocks on the bathroom door. Rude.
”JESUS MOM! YOU DON’T EVEN LET ME TAKE A SHIT IN PEACE!” I wipe my ass and flush the toilet.
“Don’t forget that you have therapy after school Eric.” My mom says once I open the door, she hands me a plate of food.
”Fucking weak dude.” I sit on the couch and eat the plate of scrambled eggs and toast with sprinkles.
”I have to go to work now Eric, Don’t forget that I’m going to pick you up from school, so don’t go running off to one of your friend’s houses.” Mom gives me a forehead kiss. “Oh I see some small pimples on your cheek and one on your forehead, don’t worry sweetie when I get out of work I’ll pick you up some cream so that it doesn’t turn into acne.” Mom walks out the door.
I grab the compact mirror that I keep in my bag and look at myself, “I don’t have that many pimples…” I grumble.
”Oh yes you do.” A voice behind me says
“Shut up Cupid me.” I turn around and nothings there? What the fuck.
I turn back to see Mr Kitty trying to eat my food, “NO! Bad Mr Kitty! That’s my fairy bread!” I push him away.
When I finish eating I walk to the bus stop, one of my friends are already there, his name is Kenny, and he wears the same stupid parka everyday, but, he is one of my closer friends.
”Hey Kinny.” I stand next to him.
“What do you want Cartman.” Kenny says with his usual muffled voice.
”Nothing, I’m just bored.”
”I heard we have a quiz today, In History.”
”God Dammit! I Knew I should’ve never taken AP history! There’s way too many tests, I should’ve just taken regular history like Stan.” I stomp on the ground, leaving a foot print.
”What are you guys talking about?” Kyle walks towards us with his red hair poking out of his hat.
”There’s a quiz in history.” Kenny explains.
”THERE’S A QUIZ IS HISTORY?! What the fuck man! That’s like the 10th quiz in history this year, and we’re only on the fifth week of school!” Kyle exclaims
The bus pulls up and we get on it.
We get the seats that are in the back.
We talk until we arrive at school.
At school, me and Kyle go to our first class of the day, English, ugh.
The teacher looks mad, what’s up her ass?
Once the bell rings, and everyone else is in the room, the teacher starts ranting.
”NEVER IN MY 15 YEARS OF TEACHING HAVE I GOTTEN SUCH A BAD NOTE FROM A SUBSTITUTE! ‘There were multiple students running around the classroom and yelling.’ I LEAVE FOR ONE WEEK AND SUDDENLY YOU KIDS ACT LIKE WILD ANIMALS?! YOU KIDS ARE IN AP ENGLISH LANGUAGE ARTS, AP STUDNETS SHOULDNT BEHAVE LIKE ANIMALS! YOU KIDS ARE ADVANCED! Now, if you kids tell me who it was I won’t punish all of you, just the students who misbehaved.”
There was about a whole minute of silence, since no one raised their hand to say anything, before the teacher spoke up again.
”Eric! Do you want to add something?” The stupid teacher targeted me. I WANT EVEN HERE! I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THERE WAS A SUB LAST WEEK!
”Umm Ms Teacher, I literally wasn’t even in this class last week!” I say
”Is this true?” She asks the rest of the class.
“It is true! Eric had in-house last week!” Marjorine says, she used to go by Butters, but she realized that she is transgender, most people still call her Butters because she isn’t completely out, since she doesn’t want her parents to find out.
”Eric why did you have in-house suspension last week?” She asks
“Because I got into a fight with Kyel.” I explain as Kyle flips me off.
”Well then who did cause the ruckus in my classroom last week?!” The teacher asked
——
When that class finally ends I can go to Spanish class, I have some weird advanced Spanish class, since I’ve always been really good with languages. The class is like, I teach the Spanish speaking kids English, and they teach me Spanish.
It’s a relatively small class, only like 10 students for the English side, and another 10 students for the Spanish side. I don’t really know most of the kids here, the only people I know are Heidi, Craig, and what’s that girl’s name? Red or something. Most of the other people I know are all in Spanish II.
”All right class, I want everyone to team up in teams of two, one English speaker and one Spanish speaker.” Mr Lopez turns to face the Spanish speaker side of the classroom. “Hola estudiantes, yo quiero que todos se unan en equipos de dos, un estudiante que hable inglés y un estudiante que hable español.”
I sigh and find the most basic looking kid.
”Do you want to be my partner for the activity or whatever.”
“Yes! This sounds nice!” The Latino kid responded
“You should teach me some Spanish curse words.” I suggest
“Curse word?”
”mala palabras.” I translate for him.
”Ohh! Ok! ‘Puto’ is one curse word, originalmente it is a bad word for a gay person, is there any word like that in English?”
”Si! Faggot is a slur for gay people in English.” I tell him
”But there is also a woman versión of the word, ‘Puta’, puta means… how do you say? Slut? Puta means slut. But in a sentence like ‘de tu puta madre’ it can be more like motherfucker.
”Ahh I see…”
——
Spanish passed pretty quickly, now into…MATH. Nah ima skip. I go to the bathroom where I see… Stan smoking?!?! Ever since Stan bleached the ends of his hair he’s started acting weird…
”Stan… What the fuck are you doing.”
”Hey fatass, I’m just smoking some weed, want a hit?” Stan hands me the weed.
”Oh hell nah! I’m not touching that shit on school property!” I put my hands up
“It’s just some weed.” Stan says
“I might be able to not get that big of punishment for my fights but if I touch that I am done for!”
——
I mostly just watched TikTok’s on my phone for that period.
Until I hearing loud walking and keys jingling.
”Stan do you hear that?”
”Hear what?”
”Someone’s walking outside!”
“I don’t hear anyone.”
“Don’t you hear those keys?”
”No.”
But the noise just kept getting louder. Stan’s using me. A teacher is definitely going to walk in, And Stan is definitely going to say that I was the one smoking weed. Stan hates me. I can’t trust him. He’s going to blame me.
I locked myself into a bathroom stall.
The noise kept getting louder, until the bell rang. The sound went away.
I practically ran to my Culinary class.
——
I stood next to Kenny as the rest of the class came in.
“Cartman, you look like you’ve seen a ghost. What happened?” The muffled voice pointed at my face.
“None of you damn business Kenny.” I respond
“Ok students, Today I want you guys to team up is groups of 5 and choose one of the dishes on the board to make.” Mr Lenard says
Me and Kenny team up with a bunch of random people, ugh.
——
Finally lunch rolls around. (The food that we made in Culinary class was fucking disgusting.)
I grab my lunch tray and sit at the table where Kyle and Stan are already eating.
I sit next to Kyle and start eating.
”Kyle what the fuck happened in English class while I was gone?”
”Those two kids with the big glasses were ‘parkouring’ on the desks.” Kyle says.
“Oh hey guys! What are you guys talking about?” Marjorine sits down next to me, while Kenny sits next to her.
”Just something some kid did.” I explained as I stuffed multiple tater tots in my mouth.
”Oh.” Marjorine says
“Can I sit at this table?” An unknown voice asked.
I look over to see some black haired girl.
”Who the fuck are you? And why do you want to sit here?” I asked
“My name is Yentl, and there’s no more seats open.” She said
“What kind of name is YENTL?!?! BAHAHAHAHA!!!” I fell out of my seat.
”Are you alright?!” The girl tried to help me up, “Also, Yentl is a Hebrew name.”
”Don’t listen to him, he’s an asshole. My name is Kyle, and yes, you can sit here.”
——
I spent the whole rest of the lunch time making fun of that ‘Yentl’ girl.
Once the bell rings it’s time for me to go to science. Ew. I’m going to skip.
——
I spent the whole period locked in a bathroom stall, but once the bell rung I went to my fashion class.
When I entered my fashion class I saw an unfamiliar familiar face, that goddamn Jew girl.
I sat in my assigned seat, I don’t like my seat but my stupid teacher decided that we can’t choose our own seats. I am forced to sit with Wendy on the left of me, and Marjorine in front of me, Bebe sits next to Marjorine. luckily the seat on the right of me is empty.
The ”All right girls! Plus Cartman. We have a new student to our class! Her name is Yentl!” Mrs Caringly Announced “Yentl, sit next to Eric, The fat boy.”
”Hey! I’m not fat! I’m just big boned!” I angrily defend myself.
”Alright Mrs.” Yentl sat next to me. What the fuck.
”Now students! You will work in your table groups to research, sketch, and make an outfit! Every table will get their own prompt. Each person will research the prompt and make their own design sketch, then you will all show each other your sketches and combine them together. One person will make the top of the outfit, another will make the bottom of the outfit, someone else will make a sort of headwear for the outfit, another will be in charge of cutting and ironing all the fabric, and the other person will be the ‘model’ while also overseeing the process of the construction of the outfit. This is a project that is worth 80% of your grade, you will have 2 weeks to finish it.”
The teacher goes around, giving each table their prompt.
”Your table’s prompt is ‘The 1920s’” The teacher says.
”I’ll do the bottoms!” Bebe says
“I’ll be in charge of the headwear.” Wendy says
”I’ll work on cutting the fabric!” Marjorine says
”I’ll be the model since it’s my first day here. I’m not really use to any of that stuff.” Yentl says
”I guess that leaves me with making the top.” I say
——
The class period went smoothly but we really only had time to research fashion from the 1920s and start a bit on the sketches.
Then I was time for me to go to History class, basically everyone I know is in that class.
”Umm excuse me?” Someone taps me on the shoulder.
I turn around to see that Yentl girl.
“I was wondering if you could help me find my class? It’s AP US History? Room 902?” Yentl shows me her schedule.
That’s my fucking history class, this fucking Jew girl is in my history class.
”We have the same class.” I explain “Just follow me Jew girl.”
And now I’m walking to class with some Stupid Jew following me (not the one I’m used to) and I remember that I have to go to therapy after school. WORST FUCKING DAY EVER.
”Why can’t you just think a little positively?” I hear Cupid me’s voice say.
”Because the world hates me.” I respond
”What was that?” The Jew girl asked
”Nothing.”
——
I sat in my usual seat, technically we don’t have assigned seats but everyone sits in the same seat as they always do.
I sit at a table with Kenny, Marjorine, and Kyle. I sit at the head of the table. (obviously)
Mr. Garrison is my history teacher. (Who the fuck decided that?)
I heard the last part of the Mr. Garrison’s chat with the Jew girl “…There’s only one open seat so you can sit there today.”
Eric knew exactly where that one open seat was, it was at HIS TABLE.
Yentl sat down at my table and Mr. Garrison started talking about the test.
”So the test will include-“ Is what I heard before Cupid me started talking to me.
“You’ve got to be a more positive person! Hehe! Come on she’s a nice girl! You should get to know her! Maybe you guys could be… something more… if you catch my drift! Tehehe!” Cupid me whispered in my ear.
”I don’t like her.” I said
”Come on… You said that you were straight… You are straight aren’t you? Tehehe!”
“Of course I’m straight.”
”Well, since you’re straight shouldn’t you be into her? Tehehe!”
”Yeah, but I’m just not into her her! I don’t have to like every single girl I meet just because I’m straight.”
”But you don’t like any girl! How do I even know if you’re straight?!”
”I used to date Heidi! That’s proof enough!”
“Yeah, in like FOURTH GRADE! You haven’t had a real crush on a girl since!”
”I am straight! So, SHUT UP GODDAMMIT!” I screamed at Cupid me.
Suddenly the class sounded really quiet.
”Eric! What the hell is your problem?!” Mr. Garrison yelled
”Nothing.”
”So the why the fuck did you interrupt my test explanation?!” Mr. Garrison walked up to my table
”No reason.”
”I’m going to have to write you up for this.”
”You’ve got to be shitting me…” I muttered
Mr Garrison walked to his desk to fill out the paperwork.
”Dude! What the hell was that?!” Kyle whisper yelled to me. “I know that you like talking to yourself, but god did you have to yell?”
“I wasn’t talking to myself!” I say
”Then who were you talking to fatass? Because I sure as hell didn’t see a phone in your hand.”
”You’re just a stupid dumb Jew! So shut your damn mouth!”
”Show this to your mother when you get home.” Mr. Garrison hands me a note that reads ‘Dear Ms Cartman, your son is a piece of shit that interrupted my test by screaming in the middle of my goddamn explanation. I wrote him up, one more and he gets detention.’ “And don’t you even think about not showing her and throwing it away, I will mention it the next time that I see her.”
”Fucking weak.” I grumbled as I stuffed the note into my backpack.
——
I’m so ready for PE, usually I wouldn’t be, but, it’s my last class of the day so that means that I can finally be done with this shit.
It’s an open gym day for PE today.
”Oh hey kid watch out!” A girl says as her basketball goes straight towards Kenny.
The basketball hits Kenny’s head, causing him to fall backwards and crack his skull.
“Oh my god! They killed Kenny!” Stan yells
”You bastards!” Kyle replies
Huh, that was the third time he died this week.
“Hey khel do you wanna play basketball?” I ask
”Sure fatass.” Kyle follows me to the rack of balls.
——
The end of the school day rolls around and guess what. I need to go to the therapist.
My mom pulls up in front of the school.
I open the door and get in the front seat.
”Hello Poopsikins! How was your day?” My mom greets me, as she hands me an acne cream. “Put this on hun! It’ll get rid of those nasty pimples!” Mom says as she begins driving.
”Terrible.” I search my backpack for the fucking note.
”Oh that’s not good! What happened?”
”Take a look for yourself.” I hand her the note.
”Well I can’t read it right now Poopsikins, but I’ll read it once we arrive at the office.” She smiles that sickly sweet smile.
I stare out the window, and look at the trees passing by.
“You have a lot to think about~ tehehe!” Cupid me stands on the window.
”Shut up, I don’t want to talk to you.” I try to flick him away.
”Oh, I didn’t say anything Eric!” My mom says
”I wasn’t fucking talking to you, mom!” I say before whispering to Cupid me “Just leave me alone, you’re ruining my whole life.”
”Come on! I’m here to help you! I’m your personal Cupid! Tehehe!”
”I don’t need your help.”
”We’re here Eric!” Mom says
I open the door as fast as I can and run out of the car.
”Come on Eric, follow mommy.” My mom grabs my hand and leads me into the therapy office.
”Stop treating me like a baby.” I pull my hand away.
”Oh Eric! You’ll always be my little baby!” My mom laughs
God, why does she always do this. Why does she always embarrass me, it’s like she wants to embarrass me, she wants me to be embarrassed.
I hand her Mr. Garrison’s note and follow her.
The building is called “Mental Health Center For Children”, the interior is all colourful and there’s a bunch of toys in the waiting room.
“Sit down sweetie while I sign you in!” Mom points to one of the crappy plastic chairs.
”Fine.” I sit in the chair and wait.
Not long after my mom joins me in the waiting area, a woman calls my name.
”Eric? Eric Cartman?” The woman calls out.
”Oh that’s my poopsikins right here!” My mom calls out, loud enough for everyone to hear, god why does she hate me.
The woman walks towards us, “Alright Ms Cartman, the full session is an hour, but since it is his first session, we like to get a better scope on the patent, so we will talk to him alone for the first half an hour, and then we will call you to join in for the last half an hour.”
”Oh that’s sounds great!” My mom says
“Now Eric please follow me.” The woman says
I reluctantly get up follow her to a room colourful room, it had a lot of ‘inspirational quote posters’, in the middle of the room there is a short table with one sofa chair on one side and on the other side there are two bean bags, one pink one and one light blue one.
The woman sits in the sofa chair, “Please have a seat Eric.”
I sit down on the closest bean bag to the door, the pink one.
”Hello Eric, it’s very nice to meet you, my name is Dr Page, and might I say that I love your eyes! I’ve never met anybody with heterochromia!”
”Oh, yeah, I guess my eyes are kinda kewl. But I wasn’t born like this.”
”Oh, do you wear contacts?” Dr Page asks
“No. I had a surgery where they switched out one of my eyes with someone else’s eye because my eye sight is really shitty. But they only did it on one eye so I have one good eye and one really shitty eye.” I explained
”Oh, that is very interesting! Now Eric, I heard that the reason that you are here is because you got into a fight, can you tell me more about that?”
”There’s nothing to talk about, I just got into a fight.”
”Why did you get into the fight?”
What kind of stupid fucking question is that? Obviously it’s because I was mad.
”Because I was angry.”
The therapist writes something on her clipboard.
”But what caused the anger?”
”Stupid Kyle decided to call my cat ‘ugly and old’ after I called his mom a bitch, which she is so it’s not even like I was wrong, he had no right to call Mr Kitty old and ugly.”
Dr Page writes something in her clipboard.
”What is your relationship with this Kyle boy, is he your friend? A rival? Or just someone that you talk to occasionally?”
”He’s my arch nemesis. But we’ve known each other since we were in diapers so even though we hate each other we still hang out.”
”Oh, that’s a very long time to know somebody. Though, it sounds like neither of you are happy with your friendship? Can you explain more on why you two are still friends?”
“Well, we’ve been in like the same friend group we have been in since preschool so… I guess it’s like just our… dynamic? I guess? I rile him up, he gets angry, and we fight. But fighting isn’t the only thing we do. We can get along sometimes…”
She writes something down.
”And do you enjoy being around him?”
”Ye- n- I don’t know. Maybe? I hate his stupid curly red heir. He always ruins my fun! And he’s also a stupid Jew!”
she looks down at her clipboard and adds something
”Do you hate him for being Jewish?”
”Yeah obviously! All Jews are money hungry and they don’t even believe in a real god!”
”Can you tell me about your other friends?” Dr Page writes something in her clipboard.
“Ummm Stan is kyel’s best friend. But Stan’s been really like ummm distant these past few months? I guess. Kenny is one of my best friends, his family is dirt poor. Marjorine is probably my best friend, these days at least, her parents are absolute trash though.”
”Well Eric, you did a great job, it’s been about half an hour so we are going to bring your mom in.” Dr Page said
”Ughhhh. Fine.” I lay down on the bean bag.
My mom walks in the room and sits on the light blue bean bag.
”Ms Cartman, can you please tell me a bit about your son?” Dr Page asks
”Well my Poopsikins has his bad days but he’s not all bad! He has a very big imagination! When he was younger he used to tell me about his imaginary friend!” My mom played with the pom-pom on my hat
I slapped her hand away. “I never had an imaginary friend.”
”Yes you did, what’s his name… ‘Cupid me’?” Mom said
”And at what age did he develop this imaginary friend?” Dr Page looked ready to write something in her clip board.
”Hmm… I think that he started telling me about it when he was about eight or nine…” Mom recalled
”Oh, that is much later than the age that most children develop imaginary friends.” Dr Page looked concerned as she wrote something in her clipboard.
”When do most kids get imaginary friends?” Mom asked
”Well, most children that develop imaginary friends develop them from the ages of three to five, and they typically grow out of them from the ages of seven to nine. It seems like Eric developed an imaginary friend at the age that most children loose them. When did Eric grow out of it?”
”Oh, well I don’t think he ever grew out of it. Sometimes I still see him talk to himself and hear him say the name ‘Cupid me’.” Mom said
”Hmm this may not be common, but it isn’t necessarily a cause for concern, but I would like to expand more on this in our next session.” Dr Page wrote some more things on her clip board
Mom stands up “Well it’s been great meeting you!” She shakes Dr Page’s hand.
”It’s been great to meet you too!” Dr Page shakes mom’s hand. “And you too Eric!” She holds her hand out to me.
I ignore her hand and walk out the door.
——
When mom catches up to me, we go to the car, the car ride is pretty silent, When I get home, I go to my room and lay on my bed.
After a bit of laying on my bad I hear my door creaking open. “What do you want mom?” I turn my head and see Mr Kitty.
Mr Kitty jumps onto my bed and lays on top of me.
”What do you want Mr Kitty? You never want to be near me.” I say with an angry tone, but I still pet him.
Mr Kitty purrs and ‘makes biscuits’ on my stomach.
”What the fuck is wrong with you Mr Kitty?” I pet her and close my eyes.