Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It only hurts when I’m breathing

My heart only breaks when it’s beating

My dreams only die when I’m dreaming

So I hold my breath, to forget

Shaina Twain, It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing

Tooru was dozing off half asleep, semi watching a documentary on the history of the Japanese Space Program when something pulled him fully to consciousness. He groggily sat up and ran a hand over his face. What was that noise?

Bzz. Bzz. Bzz.

There it was again.

He glanced over and saw his phone was making the noise and realized he must have put it on vibrate at some point during the evening. He grabbed it, not bothering to look at the caller ID, “Hello?”

“May I speak with Oikawa Tooru?”

“This is Oikawa Tooru,” he responded, muffling a yawn. When had he even fallen asleep? Looking out the living room window he noticed that it was still daytime, although it looked like early evening due to the rain that had been pelting down all day.

“My name is Sato Airi, I’m a nurse at The University of Tokyo Medical Center. I have you on record as the emergency contact for both Oikawa Tobio and Iwaizumi Hajime?”

Tooru’s heart started pounding erratically in his chest. Yes, he was obviously the emergency contact for his husband, but also for Iwaizumi as well. Iwaizumi and Tobio had each other listed also because Tooru spent at least half the year in Argentina, and it just made sense for their contact to be local if anything happened. But if he was being contacted for both of them… “I am, yes. Is everything ok?”

“We need you to come to the hospital, sir. There’s been an accident involving Oikawa and Iwaizumi. When-”

“What happened?” Tooru interrupted as he stood and looked around for his keys and shoes. Stay calm, Tooru, it might not be that big of a deal. He didn’t believe that, not really, but he had to say something to calm himself down.

“I’m sorry sir, I don’t have details. I was asked to call and direct you to the fourth floor. When you arrive, take a right when you get off the elevator and you’ll be in the surgical wing. The nurses there can help you,” Sato said calmly.

“Fourth floor. For…Iwaizumi and Tobio?” he confirmed, sliding his feet into his shoes.

“That’s correct,” she said.

“Fourth floor…surgical and not emergency?” he confirmed, confused as to how they were already in surgery before he was even notified they were there.

“Yes sir,” she responded and ended the call.

“Rude,” Tooru murmured as he jogged down the hall to the elevator, hitting the down button several times as he waited. It’s ok. They have to be ok. It’s got to be ok. I’m sure it’s nothing…it’s…what? What could it be, though, that they would both need an emergency contact called and to the surgical floor? Tooru didn’t want to think about it; his mind was already clogged with too much he needed to think about and process, he couldn’t add any more negative information. He couldn’t.

He had debated calling for an Uber, but ultimately didn’t want to waste the time, so he’d grabbed the keys to Iwaizumi’s car and drove himself to the hospital. He technically didn’t have a Japanese driver’s license, but he learned how to drive in Japan and drove all the time in Argentina. Besides, desperate times called for desperate measures and all that.

Pulling into the parking garage attached to the hospital more quickly than he probably should have, he took off at a fast pace, going straight to the fourth floor as he’d been instructed. When the elevator door opened he burst out trying to remember which way he was supposed to go. Looking back and forth almost frantically he saw the sign stating that the maternity ward was to the left, surgical ward to the right. Running his hands through his hair, Tooru briskly walked to the nurses desk and introduced himself. A woman glanced up from her computer. “Oikawa and Iwaizumi,” she murmured, typing on her keyboard. “And you are Oikawa Tooru?”

Tooru wanted to scream, hadn’t he just said that he was? But yelling at the person with the information wasn’t going to help him. “Yes ma’am,” he gritted out.

She nodded, “They’re both in surgery right now. Go ahead down the hall a bit more, they’ll be a waiting room on your right. I’ll let the surgical team know you’re here and someone will be out to speak with you shortly.”

“Can you tell me what happened?” Tooru asked, almost desperately. “I got a call-”

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know more than that,” she smiled apologetically. “All I have in here is that they are both in surgery. Someone will come in soon, I promise they won’t make you wait long.”

With a tight smile Tooru thanked her and continued on down the hallway to the first door on his right, which opened into a waiting room with maybe 10 chairs. The first person he saw when he walked in was his husband’s best friend. “Shoyou?” he frowned. “What are you doing here?” Had he come in with Tobio? Why hadn’t Hinata called him?

“Tooru!” Hinata launched himself at Tooru and wrapped him in a bear hug. Tooru was taken so off guard he completely missed Ushijima sitting in a chair to the left of the door, head in hands. “Oh my God, I’m so glad you’re here!”

“Right…um…what’s going on? No one’s told me anything, just that Tobio and Iwa-chan were in an accident?” as he pulled back he noticed that Hinata didn’t look so great himself. His clothes were dirty, with splotches of blood and damp spots.

“No one…oh,” Hinata stepped back and looked down. “Sorry…I just got out of the ER myself…”

“What happened,” Tooru pressed, borderline hysterical by that point. Hinata glanced behind him; the only other people in the waiting room were an elderly couple murmuring to each other, seemingly paying them no attention. Hinata gestured for Tooru to sit and took a seat next to him, wincing and he lowered himself slowly.

“There was a car accident. We were going through the intersection and someone blew the red light and plowed into us on the passenger side of the car,” Hinata blurted out and Tooru flinched. “But…I mean, I don’t really remember a whole lot? It all happened so fast, and it was hard to see…the rain…”

“But-” Tooru was so confused. How were they in a car accident? He had Iwaizumi’s car, did Tobio drive then? And where were they all going together? Tobio definitely wasn’t trying to see me, Oikawa thought bitterly.

“Oikawa Tooru?” A voice called out from behind him and Tooru turned to face him. “That’s me,” he responded.

“I’m Dr. Nomo, I treated Iwaizumi in the ER, would you mind stepping into another room with me and I can update you?” the doctor smiled at Tooru and gestured for him to step back out into the hallway.

Tooru let out a whoosh of air and followed the doctor to another room just a few feet away where they sat on either side of a small table. “As I said, I treated Iwaizumi downstairs, so I can update you on him. There was a car accident this afternoon and the car was hit on the passenger side, rear passenger. Iwaizumi was in the front passenger seat, as I understand it. He came in with a couple broken ribs, a collapsed lung, and a concussion. He’s in surgery, being treated for the broken ribs and his lung. He’ll have to take it easy for a while, but he should recover fine.”

Tooru blinked, trying to process everything Dr. Nomo had said. Iwa-chan is going to be fine. He’s going to be fine. “And Tobio?”

“I wasn’t the doctor who treated him, but I can give you a summary of his injuries. The doctor who did treat him will be up and he can give you more specifics,” Dr. Nomo took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, but-”

“No,” Tooru’s voice was so soft it was almost just a breath, an exhale of his worst fears. “No, they said-”

“He’s in surgery,” Dr. Nomo cut him off. “I’m sorry, but his injuries are more extensive than Iwaizumi’s.”

Tooru nearly sagged in relief; when he’d heard I’m sorry, but he assumed the worst. His relief was short lived, however, when the doctor continued. “The impact of the accident happened where your husband was sitting. There are multiple internal injuries, broken ribs with damage to the liver and kidneys, lungs as well. The more pressing concern is the brain injury, however. He’s got intracranial hematoma, that is, bleeding in the brain, also some swelling. He required immediate surgery to deal with that. Beyond that, I don’t have any details. Like I said, Dr. Matsui can give you more information and he should be up shortly.”

“Is he going to be ok?” Tooru asked, his voice still soft.

“Dr. Matsui-”

“Is he going to be ok?” Tooru repeated, more forcefully that time.

“I don’t know,” Dr. Nomo said evenly. “Dr. Matsui should be up in a minute, and he can tell you more. I’ve got to get back downstairs, but I’ll make sure he knows to come in here, ok?” He smiled quickly and left the room, leaving Tooru alone to stare blankly at the wall in front of him. Tobio has…what? What did he say? Internal injuries…brain bleed. That can’t be good, right? He wouldn’t even say if Tobio will be ok. Why wouldn’t he just tell me? Tooru wasn’t sure how long he sat there, motionless, waiting for the next doctor, but eventually Dr. Matsui appeared.

“Good evening, Oikawa,” Dr. Matsui sat across from him, a tired smile on his face. “I worked on your husband in the ER. I understand that Dr. Nomo has given you the basics, do you have any questions for me?”

Tooru blinked at the man in front of him, an older gentleman with white hair peppering the black at his temples, crow’s feet, a kind face. Definitely less nervous than the other doctor. “Is Tobio going to be ok?”

The smile dimmed on Dr. Matsui’s face, but didn’t disappear entirely, “I’m going to be honest with you; I don’t know. I would say he had a 50/50 chance when they took him up. The damage to his organs, liver, kidney, lungs, it’s not great, but it’s certainly fixable. The brain injury is the one we need to be concerned about, and unfortunately we don’t know how severe it is until they get in there and assess the damage. On the bright side, he was brought in immediately after the accident and taken up to surgery as quickly as possible. That’s a huge positive.”

“So…the other injuries are…he’ll be ok from that. They can be fixed in surgery?” Tooru tried to clarify, but the information was swimming around in his head, not making any sense.

“That’s correct,” Dr. Matsui said patiently. “His left lung collapsed from a puncture from one of his broken ribs. There was minor damage to his liver and left kidney, it should be easy enough to stitch that up. He’ll be uncomfortable for a while, but eventually those wounds will heal with no lasting damage.”

“But the brain,” Tooru took a shaky breath and clasped his hands together under the table.

“Yes,” Dr. Matsui nodded. “That’s the issue. I’m sorry, I’m an ER doc, not a neurosurgeon, so I can’t give you detailed answers, not with the accuracy you’re looking for and are entitled to. I’ve notified the surgical team that you’re here and they’ll send someone out to update you once they know more. Same with Iwaizumi’s team, they’ll notify you as well. Although as I understand it, his surgery is less complicated, repairing a lung as well. He should recover fine.”

“Right,” Tooru nodded, trying focus on Tobio’s injuries. “Thank you. I…do you think…I mean…”

“I’m sorry, I really can’t tell you any more than that, I don’t have any more information. He’s a strong, healthy young man and he received prompt treatment. We are an excellent hospital; he’s receiving first class care. He has a lot going for him, so let’s focus on that until we have a reason not to, ok?”

Tooru nodded mutely. What else was there to say? He could barely process what he’d just heard, he couldn’t add anything else to it. Besides, it would all be conjecture at this point, right? This doctor didn’t know how the surgery was going; he couldn’t give any promises that Tobio would be ok. There was no point to questioning him further when, in all likelihood, Tooru wouldn’t retain anything he said anyway.

“I need to head back down to the ER now, but if you have any questions for me you can have me paged. Like I said, someone from the surgical team will come out to see you with an update as soon as they have one,” Dr. Matsui smiled again and left the room.

Tooru continued to sit at the small table, staring at the wall in front of him. Time seemed to stand still in that moment; he had no idea what to do or say. Should he go back to the waiting area? Was he allowed to stay in this room? How long would the surgery last? Would Tobio-

No. He couldn’t think that. He couldn’t think the worst. He couldn’t.

Tooru had always wondered how he’d handle a tragic situation if it happened. All his life, he’d watched soap operas, first, with his older sister, watching K dramas, then when he moved to Argentina he watched telenovelas. He’d seen his share of Lifetime movies and Netflix crime shows. Whenever the main character was hit with devastating news they would wail, slide down the wall, make demands, break furniture, what have you. It was always so dramatic.

Tooru had wondered, from time to time, what would he do in that situation? Would he scream and wail? Punch a wall? Something dramatic, he assumed, based on his personality. But he’d been wrong. Because the worst was happening and he wasn’t crying or breaking things or demanding information. He was sitting quietly, unable to move, unable to accept what was happening. Absently, he wondered how he appeared from the outside, what the doctors thought of him. Should he have been more emotional?

Hearing the doctor say Tobio had a 50/50 chance…a brain bleed…something inside Tooru shut down. In that moment, he dissociated, unable to deal with the possibility that his husband could possibly die that evening.

Their marriage wasn’t going well, and Tooru had been bracing himself for the very real possibility that he was going to be Tobio’s ex-husband, whether he liked it or not. But he was not prepared to be Tobio’s widower. He was not prepared to deal with the fact that the last words he spoke to his husband were out of anger and that those might be the last words Tobio would ever hear from him.

Is this real? Is this even happening? This can’t be happening. Tobio’s going to be fine, right? He has to be fine. I need him to be fine. We wasted so much time…it’s not right for this to happen now. It’s not fair…

He must have sat in there too long because someone knocked on the door and then opened it behind him. “Tooru?” Hinata’s tentative voice called out. “Is everything ok?”

That’s right, Hinata was there. He was waiting for information about Tobio. Tooru needed to tell Tobio’s best friend what was happening. How was he supposed to do that?

“Hey Sho,” Tooru cleared his throat. “Hajime’s in surgery to repair a collapsed lung. He should be fine.” He started with the easier one, the hopeful one. “Tobio…he’s got more injuries. He…he’s got a brain bleed they need to fix, that’s the important one. They don’t know how long it’ll take.”

“Oh…” Hinata trailed off. “Are you ok?”

Am I ok? Of course I’m not ok. I’m dying. I think I might be dying. “I’m fine Shoyou,” he responded instead.

“Right,” Hinata said, his brow furrowing. “We should probably go back to the waiting room.”

“Right,” Tooru echoed him and stood up. He noticed that Hinata’s clothes were rumpled and spotted with blood; it seemed familiar but he didn’t know why. “What happened to you?”

“To me?” Hinata said, surprised. “I-I was in the car accident with Tobio and Iwaizumi and Ushijima. I have a c-concussion and some bruised ribs, but I’m ok.”

“Oh, right, sorry,” Tooru shook his head. “Is that your blood…?”

Hinata looked down at his shirt and grimaced, “No, it’s not.”

“It’s…” It had to be Tobio’s or Iwaizumi’s; neither answer would make Tooru feel better. “Tobio’s?”

Hinata nodded, his expression turning sad. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Not your fault,” Tooru replied automatically.

“We should probably call some people, let them know what happened before it hits the news, right?” Hinata asked.

Tooru froze, because how was he supposed to talk to people when he was barely functioning? “Right, yes. I’ll do it. I’ll…” He’d gotten up to follow Hinata back to the waiting room, but sat back down instead, pulling his phone from his pocket. “I’ll call Miwa. And Iwa-chan’s parents. Um, and Ushijima, I guess?”

“Ushijima is here,” Hinata frowned. “He’s in the waiting room. Didn’t you see him?”

Tooru closed his eyes and searched his memory but he couldn’t recollect seeing Ushijima that evening. “I didn’t, no. Is he ok? He knows about Iwa-chan?”

“He was driving the car,” Hinata said softly. “He’d probably like an update, no one will tell him anything.”

“Right…well…if you can tell him that then I’ll just make the calls,” Tooru said.

“Ok,” Hinata nodded. “Are you sure you’re ok?”

Tooru blinked up at him, “I’m ok.” Hinata frowned but took him at his word and left him alone in the room to make the calls. He called the Iwaizumis first; it would be the easier of the two calls. He spoke to Mrs. Iwaizumi and let her know about the accident and promised that her son would be ok and would call her when he was out of surgery; then they could make plans to come see him.

The second call was going to be harder.

Tooru had no idea what Miwa knew about the state of their marriage, but Tobio tended to keep things to himself, so maybe she didn’t know they were having problems. Either way, she was very protective of her little brother and wouldn’t take the news well. He tried her cell twice, but it rang to voicemail both times. He decided against leaving a message and called the salon directly.

“Hello, A Cut Above, this is Nakamura speaking, how can we help you?” a perky voice answered the call.

“I need to speak with Miwa, please,” Tooru croaked into the phone.

“I’m sorry, she’s busy right now-”

“It’s a family emergency,” he blurted. “Please. I need to speak to her now, this is her brother-in-law.”

“Oh. Hold on,” the voice, Nakamura, responded. A moment later Miwa was on the line, “Hello? Tooru? Kei? What’s wrong?”

Tooru closed his eyes and took a shuddering breath; not only did he not want to be the one to tell Miwa her little brother was hovering between life and death, he didn’t want to say the words out loud period. If he didn’t say it out loud, then it wasn’t real. Telling Miwa made everything real.

“It’s Tooru, Miwa. I’m sorry…” he trailed off, pausing to gather his strength. “It’s Tobio. There’s been a car accident. Can you come to the hospital?”

“Oh my God, is he ok?” Miwa gasped.

“He’s…in surgery. I don’t know the extent yet, but he’s got a brain injury,” Tooru did his best to keep his voice neutral, but it was a struggle.

“That’s…ok. Ok. I’m on my way. Which hospital?”

Tooru told her they were at the University of Tokyo Medical Center and to come to the fourth floor. When he ended the call he sat in silence again. He knew he needed to get up, to go back to the waiting room, but he couldn’t make himself move, couldn’t make himself care enough to move. What did it matter? What did anything matter if Tobio didn’t make it?

Chapter Text

Hinata knocked on the door again and popped his head in. “Tooru? You wanna go grab something from downstairs while we wait for the guys to get out of surgery. You want anything? Coffee?”

Tooru looked up, “No, I’m fine.”

“You sure?” Hinata asked, sliding through the door and letting it fall shut behind him.

“Yeah,” Tooru said dismissively. He squeezed his eyes shut for a minute, then opened them again and looked more closely at Hinata’s disheveled clothes. “Are you sure you’re ok?”

Hinata squinted at Tooru, “Yeah, more or less. Are you ok, Tooru?”

“Oh, you were…you’re not hurt though?” Tooru asked, confused because Hinata looked like hell. How was he ok when he looked like that? And why was he ok when Tobio was fighting for his life? None of it made any sense to Tooru and he couldn’t wrap his head around it all.

Hinata frowned. “No, I told you before. I have a concussion and bruised ribs, but otherwise I’m ok.”

“Right, I just meant…right. Sorry,” Tooru frowned. Right, he told me he was in the accident, but he wasn’t badly hurt. Him and Ushijima and Iwa-chan and Tobio and only Tobio and Iwa-chan are in surgery. He looks like hell but it’s not his blood. It’s not his, it’s… He was having trouble focusing on Hinata, on the conversation they were having. His vision blurred as he stared at the wall in front of him, not able to focus on any one thing in particular, just zoning out as he continued trying to process everything that had happened.

“Tooru, hey,” Hinata reached out and squeezed his shoulder. “Are you sure you’re ok? We can probably get someone down here if you need to talk?”

“No, I’m fine,” Tooru shook himself.  “Sorry, I’m just…I’m fine.” He was anything but fine, but he didn’t know what else to say. What does one say in such situations? No, I’m not fine. I feel like I’m dying and yet I’m still alive. I feel like nothing real, like I’m in a dream…no, a nightmare. Fear is making adrenaline rush through my system so strongly that no drug can calm it. I wish I was in that operating room instead of Tobio. I’m terrified he’s not going to make it. I’m terrified that even if he does he’ll still hate me. I’m terrified to be alive right now. I just want to close my eyes and make it all go away but I can’t close my eyes for a second because I need to be alert for Tobio.

“Ok…” Hinata said slowly. “Well, let’s go back to the waiting room. I hate leaving Ushijima alone right now, he’s not doing well.”

“Ushijima’s still here?” Tooru asked.

“Yeah, Tooru,” Hinata said softly, not bothering to tell him that they’d already talked about it. “He was in the accident too. He’s waiting for word on Iwaizumi to make sure he pulls through ok.”

“Oh. That’s good. Iwa-chan’s gonna need him. You know, when he’s recovering, he’s gonna…did anyone tell Iwa-chan that Ushijima’s ok?” Tooru asked.

“Iwaizumi is still in surgery,” Hinata said patiently.

“Oh, yeah, no, but I mean before that? Before…” Tooru frowned.

“No, I think he went straight to surgery,” Hinata smiled sadly at him. “Let’s go sit in the other room. I can grab you a coffee or a tea…whatever you want. Hot chocolate? It’s hot out today, but it’s cold in the hospital. I wish they wouldn’t keep it so cold…” Hinata turned away and opened the door, this time Tooru followed him out and back to the waiting room.

Tooru walked in and saw Ushijima sitting next to the door for the first time. “Ushijima?” he called out softly, but Ushijima didn’t look up. Tooru hesitantly sat down next to him. He had never been Ushijima’s biggest fan, a fact he’d made known to Iwaizumi when he’d finally told Tooru they were dating and had been for several months. It had caused quite the altercation between Tooru and Tobio, the fact that Tobio knew and kept it a secret at Iwaizumi’s request. They’d had a bitter argument and even stopped speaking for a week; God how Tooru wished he could take that back, how he wished he had that time back.

In any case, over the past month that Tooru had been back in Japan he’d decided to make a concerted effort to get over their history (and himself) and give Ushijima a genuine chance. It was slow going, but he knew it was in the best interests of his marriage and his friendship with Iwaizumi. “How are you?” he asked.

Ushijima finally pulled his tear-streaked face out of his hands and looked at Tooru. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Tooru blinked, “What? You’re sorry? I asked how you are?”

“I’m fine,” Ushijima shrugged, his eyes dropping back to his hands. “I’m just…I’m sorry.”

Tooru frowned, wracking his brain, trying to figure out what on Earth Ushijima was talking about. “What are you…why are you sorry?” he asked. Ushijima simply shook his head and dropped it back into his hands. Tooru turned to Hinata, confused.

Hinata cleared his throat, “He was driving.”

Tooru closed his eyes and tried to remember what Hinata had told him about the accident. They’d been hit by someone who’d run a red light…if that was the case, Ushijima wasn’t to blame, right? “But you were hit? You didn’t...the other car ran the light, right?”

“That’s right,” Hinata nodded.

“So then…it wasn’t his fault?” Tooru frowned. “Right? Am I missing something?”

“No,” Hinata shook his head.

Tooru turned back to Ushijima, “Hey, it’s…it’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong, ok? It just…things happen sometimes.”

Ushijima sat up and let out a breath. “I offered to drive them home. They were going to walk, but…” Ushijima gestured to the window where the rain could still be seen coming down in sheets. “So, I told them, I said I would drive them. If I’d just let them walk…”

“You were trying to do a nice thing,” Tooru said softly, becoming unnerved by Ushijima’s grief. He was usually so stoic, seeing him unravel like that was incredibly unsettling. “Accidents…accidents happen.”

“I should have…” Ushijima’s eyes were firmly focused on the bland gray carpeting. Tooru waited, but Ushijima didn’t continue, he just trailed off, eyes unfocused. Tooru glanced back at Hinata to see if he had anything to add, but Hinata wasn’t doing so well himself. He’d curled up in one of the chairs, arms wrapped around his knees, pulled up to his chest.

It hit Tooru in that moment – Hinata’s best friend was in the OR fighting for his life. Because Tobio wasn’t just his husband, he was also Hinata’s best friend. He sat back in his chair and rubbed his face. Keep it together Tooru. You can’t fall apart. Ushijima’s falling apart, Shoyou’s falling apart, you can’t fall apart. They have people to come and be strong for them, you don’t. You’re the one who has to be strong, stay strong. It was a struggle though, a struggle to stay present in the moment. After a minute he leaned forward and tapped Hinata on the knee.

“Hey,” he said softly. “Have you called Kenma?”

“Yeah, a couple times but he didn’t answer. He’s probably streaming. I called Kuroo, he’s gonna go get him,” Hinata had turned his head to face Tooru, but hadn’t uncurled himself. Tooru nodded absently. He should be doing something, right? Calling someone? But who? There were a dozen people he should probably call…but at the same time, did he care enough? Hinata, Miwa…Suga? Yeah, he should probably call Suga. He’d called Iwaizumi’s parents, his boyfriend was there. Someone on the National Team? But no, Hinata had called Kuroo, he’d take care of that. But Suga…

Tooru sighed heavily. Suga needed to know, he was a surrogate older brother to Tobio, taking him in when he was basically living on his own in Karasuno. He deserved to know before it hit the media.  

Fuck.

Tooru just realized this was going to hit the media. Three members of the National Team, Olympians, along with their trainer, were in a major accident. They were out for the summer league, all of them. Hinata and Ushijima could probably get back for the V League season, but Tobio would likely be out for the next year. How was it not already major news? Or maybe it was, hell, what did Tooru know? But Suga hadn’t contacted him, so he definitely didn’t know. He worked in the hospital; if he knew about it, he’d already be up there.

Rubbing his forehead, Tooru pulled out his phone and texted Suga, asking if he was free to talk. He locked his phone and closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the wall, dreading the response. He and Suga had become pretty friendly over the years and at times he would say they were close. But at other times…he and Tobio had always had a rocky relationship and Suga would always be in Tobio’s corner.

The times Tobio was in the wrong Suga was sympathetic, but the times Tooru had been in the wrong…well. Suga had withdrawn and Tooru could understand it. Right now, though? Tooru didn’t even know who was right or wrong at this point, he just knew that Tobio was done with him, and he had no idea where Suga stood with that.

A moment later his phone buzzed.

Suga: I can be, what’s up?

Tooru: Are you at work?

Suga: I am. Why?

Tooru: Please come to the fourth floor waiting area.

Suga: Tooru?

Tooru: Please don’t make me do this over text

Suga responded with a thumbs up and Tooru imagined he was letting a coworker know he needed his break and was probably thundering down the stairs. If he remembered correctly, Suga worked on the 5^th floor, ICU. It wouldn’t take him long to make it to their waiting area.

When Suga pushed open the door to the waiting room, Tooru looked up. Hinata was still curled in on himself, Ushijima was still sitting with his head in his hands. Suga’s gaze swept the room before landing on Tooru.

“What’s going on?” he asked, and Tooru could feel the apprehension radiating off of him. He glanced back at the only other people in the room, the couple he’d noticed before who still weren’t paying them any mind.

“There’s been a car accident. Hinata and Ushijima are more or less ok. Iwa-chan’s in surgery with a punctured lung, broken ribs. T-Tobio’s in s-surgery too. He’s got some internal injuries…umm…I don’t remember…but his head. H-he’s got a b-brain injury. Bleeding? I talked to the ER doctor, but he couldn’t tell me much. He said someone f-from the OR would be o-out soon to tell me more…” he stopped talking and clenched his jaw. For fuck’s sake Tooru, pull yourself together. You don’t get to be weak right now. Right now, you need to be strong for your husband. You can be weak later, when it’s over.  

Suga blinked. “Tooru,” it was more of a sigh than anything else. He whipped out his iPad and started tapping away on it. “Iwaizumi is still in surgery, so is Tobio. I’ll be right back,” he muttered and yanked open the door, briskly walking…somewhere. Tooru had no idea. He was back a moment later, “I spoke to the charge nurse, I told them we need an update on both of them now.” Tooru looked up and nodded. “How are you doing?” Suga asked hesitantly.

“I’m fine,” Tooru responded robotically.

“Right,” Suga said, narrowing his eyes. “Tooru-”

Miwa came through the door, “Tooru! Oh my God!” She rushed to her brother-in-law and pulled him into a hug. Tooru stood to fully embraced her and held her tightly. This was going to be hard, he knew. Miwa was one of the strongest people he knew, always put together, her mind sharp and her words blunt. She was also loyal and kind and loved her brother fiercely. She pulled back, “Do we know anything else yet?”

“No,” Tooru shook his head. “Suga called someone so hopefully soon…”

Miwa wheeled around, “Oh my God Suga! I didn’t see you there!”

“Hey Miwa,” Suga hugged her. “I put a call into the OR to send someone with an update.”

Miwa turned and looked around the room. “Shoyou,” she whispered and sat next to him, pulling him into a hug. Tooru could hear Hinata sniffling and he had to turn away. The door opened again, and Kenma slid in, Kuroo on his heels. “Sho?”

“Kenma!” Hinata let out a choked sob and Kenma was at his husband’s side in an instant, pulling him into a hug and Hinata finally let go, sobbing and shuddering. Tooru squeezed his eyes shut and worked on regulating his breathing. Focus on your breathing, focus…focus…focus…

“Hey…” The door swung open and Atsumu poked his head through. “Is it ok for us to come in?”

Suga stepped aside and held the door open, “Of course…who’s us?”

Suna stepped in behind Atsumu and Aran quickly followed. “We were grabbing dinner and saw the news? We don’t want to intrude…” Aran said and Suga waved them in.

“No, you’re fine. I’ll be right back,” he slipped out past them and returned almost instantly. “Come on guys, we’re moving to another room.”

Tooru tiredly stood up and followed the pack of men down the hallway and into another room, presumably a conference room? It was larger than the room they had been in and had a long table with approximately 20 chairs around it. He slumped down into the first seat he came to and somehow ended up with Ushijima on his right and Atsumu on his left. He hadn’t been sitting for more than a minute when the door opened and someone who looked vaguely familiar stepped in. “Oikawa Tooru?”

Tooru stood up and the doctor nodded for him to step out into the hallway and Tooru beckoned at Miwa to follow him. They walked back to the smaller room Tooru had just been in, and the doctor shut the door behind them, and it suddenly clicked into place in Tooru’s mind; Shirabu Kenjiro.

“You’re a doctor?” Tooru blurted out. He hadn’t meant to be rude, it was just…Shirabu was a year behind him in school and Tooru himself was only 30. How long did it take to be a neurosurgeon? It had to take longer than 10 years, right? Or did it? What did he know?

“I’m a resident, so yes, I’m a doctor,” Shirabu responded, the ghost of a wry smile on his face. “I’m not the lead surgeon, don’t worry.”

“I didn’t-” Tooru protested, but Shirabu waved him off.

“You’re fine, it’s ok,” he turned to Miwa. “Oikawa and I played volleyball against each other in high school. Both Oikawas, actually.”

Miwa closed her eyes and shook her head, “Only my brother would have a neurosurgeon who played volleyball.” Tooru wanted to chuckle at that, but he couldn’t force it out.

Shirabu gave her a tight smile, “Sorry for the delay. We’ve patched up the internal injuries in Oikawa’s abdomen, his kidney is fine, his liver wasn’t actually damaged, there was just a lot of blood I guess it was hard for them to tell in the ER? Anyhow, that’s fine. His ribs have been set, his lung is being repaired, there’s no reason to worry about any of that.”

“His brain…” Tooru asked softly.

Shirabu nodded and seemed to steel himself for what he was going to say next. “The brain injury was somewhat more complex than we’d anticipated based on the initial scans. Dr. Suoh is still working on him. He’s the best neurosurgeon on staff, best in the city really. Possibly the country.”

Tooru nodded, “When will you know…?”

“The surgery should take several more hours. We will continue to update you,” Shirabu responded.

“And when he recovers? What will that look like? I mean…lasting effects?” Miwa asked, clutching Tooru’s hand for strength.

Shirabu nodded, “Right. Well, with a brain injury, it’s hard to say for sure. There are a number of conditions he could have. Or he could have none at all.”

“What are the possibilities,” Tooru asked, trying to keep the irritation out of his voice. He got it; it could be really, really bad. Or it could be nothing. And Shirabu didn’t want to unnecessarily stress them out, but Tooru needed to know. He’d always done better with concrete information in front of him rather than random variables. If he knew what he was dealing with, he could make a plan and focus on that instead of spiraling in a hundred different directions.

“He could need to learn to walk again, talk again. Coordination could be an issue. His cognitive abilities could be affected, mood, memory...” Shirabu kept talking but Tooru zoned out. It was too much; he couldn’t handle all the what ifs. Moments ago, he’d wanted the information, thinking that if he knew what he was up against he could formulate a plan to focus on, but after hearing everything that could possibly go wrong, he wished he hadn’t asked.

He heard Miwa’s voice chime in but couldn’t make out her words. What was she saying? Did it matter? Because Shirabu already said the most important stuff; Tobio’s injury was worse than they’d thought, and he didn’t know how bad it could get. What else was there to say? “…we just won’t know what or to what extent until he wakes up,” Shirabu said. “I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful.”

Tooru took a deep breath and let it out slowly, “That’s ok. That’s fine. Thank you.”

“Were you in the accident with…the other Oikawa?” Shirabu asked bluntly and if Tooru was able to, he would have laughed at the awkward question.

“I wasn’t, no,” he responded, but Shirabu continued to study him. “Do you need to talk to someone from Psychiatry? If you need some type of medication-”

“I’m fine,” Tooru responded reflexively.

“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, you’re going through a difficult time. I can have someone come down-”

“I said I’m fine,” Tooru repeated sharply. Shirabu held his gaze for a moment before nodding, “Ok well if you need anything please ask.”

“Right,” Tooru nodded. “Do you have any information about Iwaizumi?”

Shirabu frowned, “No, I don’t. No one’s been in yet?”

Tooru sighed and held back the snarky response of if they had been would I be asking for them? “No, not yet.”

“I’ll call in and make sure someone’s coming. I’m going to head back to the OR now. I’ll be out with an update when I have more information.”

Tooru nodded absently and Shirabu left the room. Miwa turned to him, “Do you want me to go back to the waiting room and tell everyone, or do you want me to wait with you…?”

“Go ahead, I’ll wait for Iwa-chan’s doctor, it’s fine. People will want to know so…it’s fine,” Tooru responded.

“Are you sure?” Miwa pressed.

“I’m fine,” Tooru repeated. She studied him for a moment before squeezing his hand and letting herself out of the room.

Truthfully, he was anything but fine, but he needed a few minutes to gather himself. He needed time to put his mask back on so that no one would worry about him on top of everything else that was going on. Tooru was the least of anyone’s worries.

So basically, everything could be wrong or nothing could be wrong. He could wake up and be ok or he could die on the table. Or die in recovery. Or die in a week or…

No. He had to put a stop to those thoughts; they weren’t helping, and they were making it harder to hold back the tears. And he absolutely had to hold back the tears because if he didn’t, if he let the tears start, they may never stop falling.

Chapter Text

Tooru leaned forward on the small table and dropped his face in his hands forcing back the tears. Was it cowardly to let Miwa go deliver the news that Tobio’s injury was worse than they’d thought? Maybe. But he couldn’t handle telling everyone, seeing the pity in their eyes as they turned to their own significant other who they’d be going home with that night. It was too much.

“Excuse me, Oikawa Tooru?” a woman’s voice asked, and Tooru sat up with a sigh. “Yes?”

“I’m Dr. Ohtani, I’m part of the surgical team working on Iwaizumi Hajime,” she pulled a chair out and sat across from him. “His surgery is going well, the ribs have been set, and they are finishing up on his lung. Everything has gone well, and he should be out of surgery and in recovery within the hour.”

Tooru nodded, “What kind of recovery is he looking at?”

“He’ll need to rest for approximately 6 to 8 weeks. He’ll be sore and we’ll give him some pain medication. Unfortunately, the only thing he can really do to help himself is rest, which I know is a struggle for a lot of folks,” she smiled kindly. “He’ll be fine.”

“Thank you,” Tooru nodded.

“We’ll send someone out to let you know when he’s in recovery and when he can have visitors,” she told him before getting up and going back to Iwaizumi’s surgery, Tooru presumed. He sat back in the chair and ran his hands through his hair; he needed to call the Iwaizumis back and let them know how their son was doing and then he knew he had to call his own family to let them know about Iwaizumi and Tobio as well.

Starting with the lesser of two evils he called Mrs. Iwaizumi and had a short conversation; Hajime was doing better, Tobio was still in surgery. Yes, he would have Hajime call her, no they didn’t need to get on the bullet train tonight, their son was going to be ok.

When that call was done, Tooru stared down at his phone wondering who he should call next. He didn’t have the energy for his parents, who would expect him to be strong and stoic and would probably find some way to criticize him. He loved his sister, but she’d get emotional, and he couldn’t bear that weight right then. Instead, he texted his nephew to see if he was available. A moment later Takeru was calling.

“Uncle Tooru? What’s wrong?” Oikawa almost cried hearing his nephew’s voice. He still couldn’t believe Takeru was almost a fully functioning adult; basically, a grown man at 20 years old.

“Takeru, I have some bad news. There was an accident, a car accident, and Tobio and Hajime were hurt. They’re both in surgery, Hajime’s gonna be ok. Tobio…he’s got a brain injury and we-we just don’t know right now…” Tooru trailed off, not knowing exactly how to finish the sentence without breaking down.

“Uncle Tooru…” This time Takeru’s voice was sad and soft, instead of forceful and urgent like it had just been a moment before. “Were you with them? Are you ok?”

“I’m fine, I wasn’t with them,” he assured Takeru. “We’re at the University of Tokyo Hospital. Hajime should be getting out of surgery soon.” Takeru then began asking for details about their injuries and Tooru smiled internally despite himself; Takeru was premed, wanting to work somewhere in pediatric surgery. He was still in undergrad, but he was sailing through his classes, and Tooru knew he’d make an excellent doctor someday. He did his best to answer Takeru’s questions, but there were some things that Tooru still didn’t know and some things that simply hurt too much to speak about.

“Do you want me to come to the hospital? I’m still on campus, I can be there in a few minutes,” Takeru offered.

“No, it’s fine. There’s so many people already, it’s fine,” Tooru responded. “I’ll let you know when they can have visitors though, ok?”

“Ok…is there anything I can do for you, Uncle? Do you need me to bring you anything or make any calls?” Takeru pressed and Tooru slumped in his chair. He hated to ask anyone for anything, to show weakness of any kind, especially in front of his nephew, but he was at his breaking point. He knew if he didn’t let some of it go he was going to implode, and this was one thing that would be easy enough for Takeru to handle that Tooru didn’t need to worry about.  

“Could you let your mom and dad and my parents know what’s going on? I just…need to be available if the doctors need consent for something or whatever. I don’t want them to find out on the news what happened,” Tooru asked. “God, I hope it’s not already on the news,” he muttered and knew that Takeru was smart enough to hear what he wasn’t saying. I can’t handle them right now, please take on that burden.

“I don’t think it is, I haven’t seen anything,” Takeru tried to reassure him. “It’s probably on the internet, like ESPN or TMZ or something, but they don’t look at those sites. And yeah, I can do that, it’s fine. Do you want me to call Uncle Hajime’s parents too?” he asked. “Is there anyone else who needs to know that you haven’t called yet?”

“No, I’ve talked to them,” Tooru said. “Just our family is good.”

“Ok, got it. I’ll call them and tell them to leave you alone too. Just…let me know if there’s any updates if you can, ok? You can just text me if it’s easier, you don’t need to call,” Takeru said, and Tooru almost smiled again.

“Thank you Takeru. You’re a good kid,” he said, closing his eyes and letting out a slow breath, feeling a tiny bit of relief of having something taken off his shoulders, one less responsibility to think about.

Normally his calling Takeru a kid would send his nephew sputtering about how he was grown but this time he just responded with a soft, “You’re welcome.”

After ending the call Tooru sat in silence, not sure what to do. He didn’t want to go back to the conference room and be around a bunch of people, no matter how much they cared. They were all looking at him; waiting for information, watching to see if he was going to break down. And what if he did, what then? None of them were going to help him. Iwaizumi was his best friend, Tobio was his husband. Sure, Ushijima cared about Iwaizumi, that was obvious, but Tooru was the emergency contact, Tooru was the one who would have to make life and death decisions, Tooru was the one who’d have to call his parents if something went wrong.

It was too much, more than he could realistically handle. Tooru was a strong person; you didn’t move across the world as a teenager to a country with a different language and culture and find your way if you weren’t. He could take a lot: the unrelenting training, the constant media presence, the distance from family and friends. That was all stuff he signed up for when he decided to pursue a life as a professional athlete in another country. But this? Losing the two people closest to him at the same time? No. This was too much.

Maybe he should call Takeru back? He was smart, he was learning about medicine, he could be a shoulder to lean on. But he was only 20 years old, and he loved and looked up to Tobio and Iwaizumi. And how could Tooru break down in front of his nephew? No, he was older, he had to be stronger. The situation was impossible; Tooru couldn’t remember a time in his life when he’d ever felt so alone.

Rubbing his eyes he told himself to deal with the information in front of him and to not borrow trouble. Iwaizumi was going to be ok, his injuries needed immediate treatment but weren’t life threatening. It was emergency surgery, but it wasn’t anything overtly risky. No more serious than the surgery Tooru had a few months back on his shoulder. The doctors weren’t concerned that it was life or death, it was routine for them. He’d gotten prompt medical attention and because of that he would be ok.

Tobio’s surgery…well, that was different. It was life and death. A brain injury was as serious as it got, and Tooru didn’t know what to do with that. Everything in their lives was a mess, trying to deal with an impending divorce was already breaking him down, now this? How was he meant to deal with this? It was too much to process and yet that’s what he had to do. He had to find a way to keep all of the information in his brain, to function, to communicate, to be strong.

After spending more time than he felt he should alone and spiraling, Tooru finally accepted that he was going to need to go back to the conference room, if for no other reason than the room he was in would probably be needed by someone else at some point. Besides, he knew people were wondering how Iwaizumi was doing, especially Ushijima, and it wasn’t fair to hold back on them.

He pushed away from the table and trudged back to the conference room. After sliding back into his seat between Atsumu and Ushijima he leaned over to the latter, “I spoke with a surgeon who’s working on Hajime. He’s doing good, they’ll be done soon. They fixed his ribs and they’re closing up his lung. It should take another hour or so and he’ll be done. They’ll let me know.”

Ushijima turned to him and let out a shuddering breath, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Tooru sat back in his seat and closed his eyes, willing his heart rate to slow, trying to focus on nothingness so he wouldn’t think. Thinking, at this moment, was his enemy. His mind raced in too many directions; too many things could go wrong with Tobio. And honestly, until Iwaizumi was out of surgery he was still at risk too. Sure, they said he was going to be ok, but what if they were wrong? What if he didn’t wake up? Any surgery was risky; he knew that from the presurgical speeches he’d gotten himself over the years. So, he tried to keep his mind blank, tried to focus on staying calm, until he knew what he was actually dealing with.

“Tooru,” he heard Ushijima’s deep voice again and gritted his teeth. “Yes?”

“I-”

“Please don’t,” Tooru responded more harshly than he’d intended; less harshly than he’d wanted.

“But I am. I’m sor-”

“And I said don’t,” Tooru hissed. “I don’t want to hear it, ok?” He knew Ushijima was going through his own personal hell in that moment, but Tooru couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t take on one more thing, be strong for one more person. He was hanging on by a thread and having to be kind to Ushijima, even if he was deserving of it, was just too much.

Ushijima blinked uncertainly and Tooru felt someone’s hand clamp down on his shoulder. “Hey Tooru, I need to talk to ya, in private, about something. Could ya come into the hall with me?” Tooru let out a long suffering sigh, because what the fuck was this fresh hell? If it wasn’t Ushijima, then it was Atsumu. Tooru was on the edge of sanity as it was, he didn’t need to have deal with someone who tried his patience on a good day on top of it.

It wasn’t that Atsumu was objectively a horrible human being, Tooru could at least admit that. No, his reason for hating Atsumu was far more immature and petty.

He’d been Tobio’s first.

First what? First everything. First love, first kiss, first sexual experience, first relationship. And Tooru hated it. He had no reason to, really, other than irrational jealousy. Jealousy that Atsumu got to do all those things with Tobio, jealousy that he got to play on the National Team with Tobio, live in the same country as Tobio, hell in the same time zone as Tobio. They shared friends and experiences just by sheer virtue of playing in the same league at the same time. Atsumu got so much of Tobio’s day to day life than Tooru ever did and he fucking hated it.

The thing was, aside from all that, he really had no reason to hate Atsumu. Yeah, he could be a perfectionist and a dick on the court. He pushed people a little too hard, in Tooru’s opinion, and he could be more blunt than was strictly necessary in social situations but he’d never treated Tobio badly.

Their breakup had been due to distance and a casualty of youth. They were both new to the V League, new to the National Team. The primary focus for both of them had been volleyball and as much as they’d loved each other at the time, they couldn’t afford to let volleyball take a backseat to their relationship. So, the relationship had taken a backseat to volleyball.

He hadn’t lied to, cheated on, or abused Tobio. They parted as friends and after a mildly awkward transition period, stayed that way. That was it. That was the whole of the offense Miya Atsumu committed against Oikawa Tooru.

It didn’t make a damn bit of difference though.

Tooru pushed roughly away from the table and stalked into the hallway, waiting for Atsumu to catch up. Once he did, Atsumu pulled Tooru down the hall to the end of the corridor near the stairwell and a bathroom where no one was around, and they couldn’t be overheard by anyone in the conference room. Atsumu dropped Tooru’s arm and put his hands in his pockets, “Ok, Tooru. What do ya need?”

“I’m fine,” Tooru rolled his eyes and started back for the conference room before Atsumu grabbed him, holding him in place. “No, you’re not. What do ya need?”

“What do you mean?” Tooru responded irritably.

“I know ya. You’re doing your best to hang on right now when we both know you’re falling apart. You're quiet, which isn’t like ya. The people ya usually lean on are both hurt and so ya gotta be strong for both of them, ya gotta handle all the questions and the decisions and make all the calls. And ya think ya gotta do it alone, because you’re not used to asking for help. And if ya ever are forced to lean on someone, it’s one of them,” Atsumu said calmly, his expression open and kind.

“How do you know that?” Tooru asked, narrowing his eyes. Atsumu was right, but Tooru wasn’t ready to admit it.

Atsumu let out a bark of laughter, “Because I’m just like ya. And I got a brother just like both of us, so I know what it feels like, and I know what it’s like to watch it happen. And so, I also know you’re closer to breaking down than ya think ya are. Ya need someone to lean on, Tooru. Sorry, ya do. I’m offering to be that guy.”

“Why?” Tooru scoffed.

Atsumu opened his mouth to respond then closed it, shaking his head before starting again, “Because Tobio would want it that way. He’d want someone to come in and be a shoulder for ya. I know ya don’t like me much, and that’s ok. I get it. But come on, ya know that I love Tobio too. Not in the same way and we’re not close like we used to be, but I care, and I wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt him. If ya need a clear head to help ya think things through, I can do that. If ya just want to yell and scream at someone, I can take that too. Ya need to let some of it out, Tooru, before it caves in on ya.”

Tooru looked away, tears shining in his eyes. He hated it, he absolutely hated it, but Atsumu was right. He needed someone so desperately, he needed to share the burden but who was he supposed to dump on? Hinata? Miwa? Hell, even Suga looked devastated. He’d lost his best friend and husband at the same time; there was no one to lean on and it was too much to carry on his own. “You don’t understand,” he whispered.

“Not exactly, I don’t,” Atsumu shrugged. “It’s ok, doesn’t mean I can’t be the strong one so ya can rest.”

A tear streaked down Tooru’s face for the first time since he was called to the hospital and Atsumu quickly pulled him inside the nearest bathroom and locked the door. “What are you doing?” Tooru rubbed his face.

“Ya need to fall apart, even if it’s just for a minute, and I figure ya don’t want to do it in public,” Atsumu said quietly.

Tooru laughed bitterly, “Atsumu, you don’t get it. If I fall apart, even for a minute, I’m afraid I won’t be able to put myself back together again.”

“That’s what I’m here for,” he responded patiently. “I’m here to make sure ya get put back together. And if you’re still cracked in a few places, I’ll fill in the gaps til you’re stronger, ok?”

Tooru’s breathing started coming quicker, the tears rolling down on their own now. Was this entire conversation real? Was it actually possible that Tooru could finally let go, even if it was just by an inch, and let some of the pain swirling inside of him out? Could Atsumu really be trusted?

“You don’t…it’s not just the accident. I’m losing him Atsumu,” Tooru choked out, his voice cracking as he spoke. Atsumu waited patiently as Tooru paced in the small area. “He-he’s leaving me. He wants a divorce. It’s over. I’m-whether or not he makes it through the surgery, I’m losing him either way.”

“Are you sure about that?” Atsumu asked skeptically.

Tooru let out a hysterical laugh, “Am I sure? Yeah. You know the last thing he said to me? He said, and I will never, never forget it. He said I can’t do this anymore. I’m done. I want a divorce. I want you finally out of my fucking life for good. And you wanna know what I said back? The last thing I said to my husband, who I would give my life for? Before he got in a horrific car accident? I said Fine you can have your fucking divorce. I’m done with you too. And I left. That was three days ago. I left our home, I went to Iwa-chan’s place and that’s it. He never contacted me, he never…he…”

And the dam broke. Tooru wrapped his arms around himself and started ugly crying, his body shuddering, tears flowing, snot running, the emotion so powerful that he had to lean over the toilet to throw up. When he was done he collapsed on the floor and wiped the back of his hand across his mouth. Atsumu crouched next to him with a cool, damp paper towel and handed it to him.

“Wipe your face off,” he murmured. Tooru took the paper towel and did as he was instructed, spitting into the toilet before flushing it again and sitting back against the wall.

“Thanks,” he muttered, rubbing his eyes.

Atsumu sat back on his heels and studied Tooru, “I think you’re wrong.”

“About what?” Tooru sighed, exhausted.

“I don’t think it’s over. Not yet,” Atsumu shook his head.

“Atsu-chan,” Tooru replied, condescension dripping from his voice. “It wasn’t just one fight. We’ve been in trouble for a while. He meant it, ok?”

“I’m not saying ya didn’t piss him off,” Atsumu rolled his eyes. “But ya know him better than I do. When is Tobio his scariest?”

“What?” Tooru sighed, rubbing his forehead.

“Sho said it back in high school; it was true then and it still is. The scariest Tobio is the ice cold Tobio. He’s like…what did Sho say? He’s like a leopard that’s gonna pounce? He only looks calm on the outside, but on the inside he’s more intense than ever?” Atsumu explained.

“Ok, so?” Tooru looked up at him.

“So, if he was screaming at ya, he still cares. He might be pissed, frustrated, hurt, whatever. But he’s not done. Cause if he was done, he’d be cold. Dismissive. And we both know it,” Atsumu sighed and plopped down on his butt. “Ya might know him better, Tooru, but ya don’t know everything there is to know about him. And there’s one thing I know about him ya don’t and probably never will.”

“What’s that?” Tooru asked suspiciously.

“Ya don’t know what it’s like to lose him for good,” Atsumu said quietly. “I know what Tobio looks like when he’s pulling back, when he’s cutting his emotional ties. I lived through it, I know what it looks like and I’m telling ya, I haven’t seen that guy around, ok? Maybe…shit, I don’t know what ya guys are going through and I’m not asking. But I know what Tobio looks like when he’s letting go. And I can tell ya, he’s not letting go of ya. At least not yet.”

A fresh wave of tears started, and Tooru buried his face in his hands. Could that be true? Was it really possible that they had a chance? He didn’t know, he didn’t want to allow himself to hope, but at the same time, he couldn’t imagine a world where Tobio wasn’t his anymore.

“Hey, let’s not think about that now, ok? Right now, just let it out and we can go grab a water and go back to the conference room. They probably think I’m out here kicking your ass for being a dick to Ushijima,” Atsumu winked, and Tooru rolled his eyes.

“As if you could kick my ass,” he sneered.

Atsumu chuckled, “Yeah, absolutely I could. I grew up fighting with ‘Samu. Scrub is scrappy as fuck, he fights dirty.”

“And I grew up fighting with Iwa-chan. Those biceps aren’t for show, and they aren’t new,” Tooru said flatly.

Atsumu narrowed his eyes as he considered that, “’Samu’s arms are pretty big too…but I feel like Iwa fights fair.”

Tooru shrugged; yeah, Iwaizumi fought fair, and he still always won, but Tooru wasn’t sharing that tidbit. “Ok, fine, just…let me wash my face.”

“Sure,” Atsumu popped up off the ground and held a hand out for Tooru. Sighing in defeat he grabbed Atsumu’s hand, acknowledging, at least to himself, that they were about to be friends.

Chapter Text

The rest of the evening passed slowly for Tooru. As the night wore on most people left the conference room until it was down to Tooru, Atsumu, Hinata, Kenma, and Ushijima. Tooru had insisted Miwa go home for the night; Tobio was still in surgery and visiting hours ended at 9 pm (although Tooru had every intention of seeing his husband after surgery).

Iwaizumi was in recovery right before visiting hours ended so Tooru graciously let Ushijima see him that evening. He figured Iwaizumi would rather see his boyfriend and honestly, Tooru wasn’t sure he was emotionally stable enough in the moment to be a support for his best friend.

When it reached 11 pm Tooru was finally able to convince Hinata to let Kenma take him home. Tooru knew that he’d stay there all night, but Hinata had his own injuries to recover from, and Tooru couldn’t stand seeing Tobio’s blood splattered on his clothes any longer. He promised he would text Hinata with any updates and Kenma was finally able to lead him out the door to go home.

And then it was just Tooru and Atsumu.

They sat quietly, Tooru with his head tilted back, resting on the back of the chair while he stared at the ceiling, Atsumu tapping on his phone. Tooru had no idea if he was playing a game, checking social media, or texting with someone. A partner? Tooru realized he didn’t know much about Atsumu, outside of his proximity to Tobio. He’d never cared enough to know even though he knew it irked Tobio. “You know, you can go home, right? Where do you stay when you’re in Tokyo, anyhow?”

“Ah…I share a place with Suna,” Atsumu told him. “Technically…well, my brother’s got a shop in Tokyo now, so he travels back and forth between Osaka when he needs to. Suna and I use it in the summer, when we’re with the National Team.”

“That’s nice,” Tooru said absently. “He must be doing pretty well, then? Two homes?”

Atsumu snorted, “Two homes? Both places are apartments above his restaurant, so he doesn’t have far to go home at the end of the day. But yeah, he’s doing good.”

Tooru nodded, “You live in Osaka year-round?”

“Yeah, except when I’m with the National Team,” Atsumu responded, setting his phone down. “Ya?”

“Me what?” Tooru finally looked over at him.

“Where do ya live? I mean, obviously you’re in Argentina during your season, but do ya have a place in Japan?” Atsumu winced. “Sorry, that was dumb. Obviously ya live with Tobio.”

Tooru rolled his eyes. “That was one of our issues,” he said flatly. “Where we lived and when we lived there.”

“Sorry,” Atsumu said again and sighed. “My brother always says what a big fucking mouth I have. I don’t think first.”

“S’fine,” Tooru said.

The door to the conference room opened and Suga popped his head in. “Hey guys, I need to move you back to the waiting area. There’s no one else there, you can stay out there as long as you like, but you can’t stay in here any longer.”

Tooru pushed away from the table and followed Suga to the waiting room, which was fortunately still empty at that point. “Is there an update?” he asked and Suga paused, causing Tooru to almost bump into him.

“No one’s come out to talk to you?” he asked incredulously.

“Shirabu came out a while ago and said that they had the brain bleeds under control and things were going smoothly, but that’s it. It’s 11 pm! Is he still in surgery?” Tooru asked, rubbing his face. Suga gestured for him to sit and then sat down next to him.

“Brain surgery can take hours…8 to 10 hours isn’t unusual. With all of his issues…” Suga sighed. “It’s really not taking too long. I’m sure Shirabu will be out again soon.”

Tooru nodded, “Ok.”

The three men sat quietly, the only sound the ticking of the second hand of a clock hanging on the wall at the back of the room. “You don’t have to stay,” Tooru told Suga. “You must be tired, it’s the end of your shift, right?”

Suga nodded, “It is. But I’d like to stay til the surgery is done and he’s settled in ICU. I’ll go home then.”

Tooru nodded again, “Ok.”

Suga leaned around Tooru to look at Atsumu, “You could go too? I know you and Tobio are good friends, but it’s not necessary to stay.”

“Nope. I’m his person,” Atsumu jerked his head at Tooru, who snorted and shook his head.

“You’re his…I’m sorry?” Suga furrowed his brow.

“His person,” Atsumu repeated. “I’m here for him to lean on, to yell at, to go get him food or whatever.”

Suga’s face softened in understanding, “Oh, ok. That’s good. He needs that.”

“Yep,” Atsumu nodded. “He does.”

“I’m sitting right here, you know,” Tooru interjected, annoyed.

“Yep,” Atsumu said again, leaning back in his seat. “Ya sure are.”

Tooru couldn’t help the small helpless laugh that escaped him. “You’re ridiculous,” he said.

“Maybe, but I’m still your person.”

…

Shirabu came out just after midnight to say that they were wrapping up the surgery and that Tobio would be in recovery in approximately an hour. After that he would be moved to the ICU until further notice. The lead surgeon, Dr. Hatano, would be out when the surgery was complete to give them an update. Tooru thanked him and settled back in his seat to wait.

True to Shirabu’s word, an hour later Dr. Hatano appeared to let Tooru know that Tobio was in recovery and would be moved to ICU shortly. He advised that Tooru should not expect Tobio to wake up any time soon; they would be keeping him in a medically induced coma for the next couple days to make sure his brain was healing properly and if all went well they would reduce the anesthesia at that time and let him wake up naturally.

Tooru let Suga ask the medical questions that he wouldn’t think to ask and was grateful for his help; Tooru could barely process what the doctor was saying and certainly wouldn’t remember his answers. He supposed that’s what Atsumu was there for; to retain information that Tooru couldn’t and help him understand it when decisions needed to be made. The only information he’d processed was that Tobio had survived surgery, he’d be asleep for at least a few more days, and they had no idea what his recovery would look like.

Suga was able to sneak him back to the ICU for a very short visit, basically just to prove Tobio had, in fact, survived and then he’d have to leave almost immediately. Tooru took the opportunity and did as he was told, quietly following Suga back to the room, head down, not making eye contact with anyone who might try to stop them.

Tooru had never been to an ICU before and didn’t know what he expected, but it wasn’t a large room with beds basically separated by curtains, the nurses station in the middle of the room. There was hardly any privacy and although everyone was trying to be quiet, the voices carried along with the beeping and whirring of the machines of multiple patients.

Eventually they made it back to Tobio’s cubicle and tears sprung to Tooru’s eyes looking at him. Tobio laid in his bed, eyes closed, chest slowly rising and falling. Half of his hair was shaved, angry stitches standing out against his pale scalp. And then there was his face; on the one hand he looked as if he was sleeping peacefully. On the other hand, there was a nasty bruise that stretched from his forehead to his chin, red and purple, cuts in a few places. His face was also a bit swollen, distorting the left side where he’d borne the brunt of the impact from the accident.

Tooru covered his mouth to hold back a sob and Suga wrapped an arm around him. “Come on, let him hear your voice. It’ll be good for him.”

“Will it?” Tooru asked bitterly, but stepped forward nonetheless and grabbed Tobio’s hand, feeling something cool against his fingers. He looked down and saw that Tobio was still wearing his wedding ring and Tooru almost broke down completely thinking back on Atsumu’s words from earlier, I don’t think he’s done, not yet. Instead, he forced his tears back and rubbed his thumb along the back of Tobio’s hand.

 “Hey Handsome, I’m here, ok? They won’t let me stay long, but I’ll be back later ok? Um, I need to check on Iwa-chan too, so I’ll probably just do that first, because I haven’t seen him yet. I couldn’t leave the waiting room until I knew you were ok. So…but I’ll be back. I won’t leave this hospital until I see you again, ok? Just…rest…ok? Just…I’ll be here. I love you,” he leaned down and placed a feather light kiss on Tobio’s lips and his heart twisted when the kiss wasn’t returned. But of course, it wouldn’t be. He wasn’t in a Disney movie and Tobio wasn’t Aurora or Snow White; true love’s kiss wasn’t going to wake him.

“Ok, I need to get you out of here,” Suga murmured. “If there are any changes, someone will come get you. Visiting hours are 9 am to 9 pm.”

Tooru nodded and quietly followed Suga out of the area. It broke his heart to leave Tobio alone, but he knew he didn’t have a choice and so he agreed to sit in the waiting room. When he settled back next to Atsumu, Suga paused in the doorway. “I’m heading home now. If there are any changes please call, ok? And you know, it would be ok for you to go home too. You can’t see him til 9 am. And he’s not going to be awake.”

“I’m not leaving,” Tooru said quietly, but there was steel in his voice. No, he wouldn’t be leaving any time soon. He wasn’t sure how he was going to manage the logistics of staying in a hospital for days on end with no shower or bed, but he’d figure it out. 

“Me neither,” Atsumu waved at Suga. “I’ll be here with him, don’t ya worry.”

“Thanks,” Suga gave them a tired smile and left the waiting room.

Time continued to crawl for Tooru. Atsumu was able to lay down on one of the small couches in the waiting area and get some sleep, but Tooru couldn’t. As much as he wanted to give in and fall unconscious, to escape the terror of being awake and wondering what the future held, he found closing his eyes was that much worse. He kept envisioning the accident; what had Tobio gone through? What had he felt? Was he awake, in pain, scared? Seeing Tobio’s blood on Hinata’s clothes hadn’t helped at all and he couldn’t shake the feelings of helplessness and despair.

When morning came he tried to send Atsumu home, but the blond stubbornly said, I’m your person, Tooru. I’m not leaving til ya do. And when ya come back, I’m coming back too. So, Oikawa resigned himself to his new shadow and waited impatiently for the clock to strike 9 am so he could make a quick visit to Iwaizumi first. If he was being honest, he would have rather gone straight to Tobio, but he knew his husband wouldn’t be awake and wouldn’t miss him, whereas Iwaizumi definitely would.

But there was another reason he wasn’t keen on seeing Iwaizumi and wanted to get the visit over with.

He hated that Iwaizumi was going to be fine while Tobio’s life still hung in the balance. And he hated himself for feeling that way. It wasn’t an either-or situation, they could both live or die, it didn’t have to be one or the other…it just felt so unfair that everyone else got to walk away and Tobio got the worst of it. He didn’t know if he could stand to be around Hinata or Ushijima either.

Of course, overshadowing those dark feelings was his love for Iwaizumi. They were raised together, more or less as brothers, and Tooru needed to see him to make sure he’d be ok, because he needed Iwaizumi to be ok. There was simply no other acceptable outcome.

Atsumu told Tooru he’d go down to the cafeteria and get them both some coffee while he visited with Iwaizumi and Tooru agreed, waving him on before entering his best friend’s room. It would appear he’d beaten Ushijima there because Iwaizumi was laying in his bed and no one else was in the room. His head was tilted back, and his eyes were closed but Tooru needed to talk to him, to hear his voice, before he could move on for the day. He approached the bed and laid a hand on Iwaizumi’s arm.

“Hajime…are you awake?” he said softly.

Iwaizumi’s eyes flew open, and he blinked a couple times, “Tooru? Hey, it’s good to see you.” He coughed and Tooru quickly glanced around for a pitcher of water and cup to give Iwaizumi a small drink, which he took gratefully. “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine,” Tooru asked, mildly confused. “What about you? How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine,” Iwaizumi winced, and he tried to straighten up a bit more to talk to Tooru. “I think they’ve got me on some good shit. But what about you? You weren’t in the accident with me?”

“I…you don’t remember?” Tooru asked, trying to sound neutral.

Iwaizumi shook his head. “No, I don’t at all. The last thing I remember yesterday…” he winced before continuing, “I was eating lunch in my office? I don’t know…they said I was in an accident, and I had surgery, busted ribs, punctured lung, concussion. They didn’t have any more information. Wakatoshi stopped by last night, but they wouldn’t let him stay long and I was still pretty groggy. I was afraid because you didn’t come by…” The words left unsaid were that it was because you were worse off but no one would tell me.

Tooru smiled apologetically, “I’m sorry. I should have, I guess, but they would only let one person in because of the time, and I figured you’d rather see your boyfriend.”

Iwaizumi studied him for a moment, “What aren’t you telling me?”

Tooru sighed and looked out the window at the gray and overcast day. The rain had stopped, but it still wasn’t bright and sunny, that was for sure. It was fine; the weather matched his mood anyway. “I don’t know all the details, but you were in an accident with Ushijima, Hinata, and…and Tobio. Ushijima and Hinata are fine, more or less. They weren’t admitted.”

“Tooru…” Iwaizumi’s eyes widened as he tried to put the pieces together.

Seeing that Iwaizumi was beginning to think the worst, Tooru continued quickly. “Tobio’s…he had surgery too. Last night. He had…his injuries were the worst and right now they’re most concerned about his brain injury. He’s in a medically induced coma. I’m gonna go up there soon, I’m sure Miwa’s up there already and I’m sure Ushijima will be here to stay with you so.”

“What can I do?” Iwaizumi asked softly, prompting Tooru to laugh.

“What can you do? You can rest and get better. Because I’m gonna need you, you know? I don’t know…We just don’t know yet…” Tooru dropped off and they fell silent for a moment before a doctor knocked lightly on the door and walked in the room.

“Hey Iwaizumi, how’re you feeling today?” Shirabu asked and Iwaizumi did a double take.

“Shirabu?” he frowned in disbelief. Shirabu nodded and gestured for Iwaizumi to lay back while he pulled out a light to shine in his eyes.

“Yep, I’m a resident neurosurgeon on staff here. Just checking your concussion, but you seem to be doing pretty well, so I doubt we’ll see each other much more,” he mumbled. “How are you feeling? How’s the headache?”

Iwaizumi blinked, “I’m awake, right?”

Tooru let out a tired laugh and shook his head, “Iwa-chan, it’s all true. Shirabu is a doctor. He was in Tobio’s surgery. Who would have thought, right?”

“Well, he’d have to be smart to go to Shiratorizawa, right? Unless he just got in on a sports scholarship alone. But he didn’t continue with volleyball-”

“He’s right here,” Shirabu interrupted, annoyed. “And he didn’t get a sports scholarship, he was at the top of his class, so your brain is in good hands.” He stepped back and started tapping on an iPad before running through a few other questions and checking monitors that Tooru had no interest in paying attention to. “Well, you seem to be doing pretty good today. Any questions for me?”

“How soon can I get out of here?” Iwaizumi asked and Shirabu raised an eyebrow. “I’ll defer to the general surgeon on that one, since your main injuries are your ribs and lungs. My guess is probably in a day or so, assuming you have someone to take care of you at home.”

“I’m sure Ushiwaka will be happy to play nurse, Iwa-chan. He won’t be playing volleyball for a while anyway,” Tooru said.

Shirabu nodded, “That would be a good thing. I’ll check in with you later.” He turned to Tooru, “I assume I’ll see you upstairs?”

“You will,” Tooru nodded. Shirabu dipped his head at Iwaizumi and left them alone again.

Iwaizumi watched him leave, shaking his head in amazement before turning back to Tooru. “Hey, how are you holding up?” Iwaizumi asked softly.

Tooru shrugged, “Atsumu is my person. I’m ok.”

Iwaizumi blinked, “Atsumu is your person. I don’t know what that means. How hard did I hit my head?”

Tooru let out a more genuine laugh, “It’s strange but true. He made himself my keeper while you’re injured and until we know if Tobio…how he’s…well…you know.” Tooru paused and cleared his throat; he wasn’t able to say until we know if Tobio lives or not and how injured he might physically or mentally if he does live. Instead, he moved the conversation along, “Let me know if you need me, ok?”

“Yeah. You too, you know? I might be stuck in bed, but you can still talk to me,” Iwaizumi insisted.

Tooru smiled, “Right, Hajime. I know.” They said their goodbyes and Tooru was able to slip out before Ushijima arrived. It wasn’t that he hated the man, not really, not anymore, but he didn’t think he could handle one more apology in that moment. He also didn’t want to be responsible for causing him anymore pain if he did snap again. Ushijima was possibly the only person who could understand what he was going through, being the only other person whose significant other was lying in a hospital bed instead of going home.

Tooru stepped out of Iwaizumi’s room to find Atsumu leaning against the wall, sipping a cup of coffee, a second cup in his other hand, which he promptly handed to Tooru. “Drink up, it’s gonna be a long day. Anything ya need? They won’t let me into ICU, I’m sure.”

“I’ll be fine, you should go home and sleep. Don’t you have anyone waiting on you? A boyfriend, girlfriend, someone?” Tooru asked tiredly as they approached the elevator.

“Nope. I can stay all day,” Atsumu grinned at Tooru who rolled his eyes in response.

“There’s no point,” Tooru sighed. “I’m going to be in the ICU until 9 pm. I’ll text my nephew to bring me some stuff. Go home and rest and if it means that much to you, you can come back at 9 pm and sit with me overnight. During the day Miwa will be here with me. If I need you, I’ll call you ok?”

“No, it’s not ok. I’ll go home now just to shower and change, I didn’t really get to do much more than rinse off after practice yesterday,” Atsumu grimaced. “But then I’m coming right back. I told you I’d be here if you need someone and I’m gonna be here. Promise me you’ll call if anything happens before I get back? I’ll try to be gone only for a couple hours.”

“I promise,” Tooru nodded, resigned to the fact that Atsumu was going to remain his shadow for the foreseeable future. Truthfully, as much as he acted annoyed he was also grateful that if something did go wrong, he’d have someone to lean on, someone who could hold him together so he wouldn’t break completely. “Thanks, Atsumu.”

“No problem,” Atsumu smiled softly before stepping back into the elevator and leaving Tooru to approach the ICU on his own.

Chapter Text

Tooru took a few sips of the coffee and then paused, remembering that if he was going to stay at the hospital for a few days, or at least until Tobio woke up and kicked him out, then he was going to need a few things. He pulled out his phone and sent a text to Takeru, asking him to go by Iwaizumi’s place to grab him a change of clothes, his toothbrush, and a charger for his phone, which he’d suddenly realized was on the verge of dying. Takeru responded that he’d stop by the hospital for the key to get in and he’d get Tooru whatever he needed.

Draining the coffee, Tooru went into the ICU and to the back where Tobio’s little cubicle was. As expected, Miwa was there sitting silently next to her brother. She glanced up at Tooru when he walked in. “Hey,” her voice was uncharacteristically soft. “Were you with Iwaizumi?”

“I was, yeah,” Tooru nodded. “I figured since he was conscious he’d be wondering why I wasn’t there…no one had told him about the accident yet. I-”

“You don’t need to explain yourself,” Miwa said gently. “He’s your best friend. Of course you should visit him.” Her eyes critically assessed him, “Have you even gone home yet?”

“No,” Tooru said simply, reaching for Tobio’s hand out of habit, gently stroking the back of it with his thumb. “I’m not leaving until Tobio does.”

“Tooru,” she sighed. “You can go home to shower and change at least. You should.”

“I’m fine,” he said, parroting the same two words he’d been saying almost on repeat for the last 24 hours.

Miwa pressed her lips together in frustration and huffed, “Tooru. You need to be ok in order to take care of him and to…to make any decisions that might need to be made.”

“I’m fine, Miwa. I have a handler,” he told her wryly.

“And where is he?” she asked, leaning back in her seat and crossing her arms.

“He went home to eat…and shower…and…” he trailed off, realizing he’d fallen into her trap. “It’s not his husband laying in a hospital bed. He has the luxury of going home and actually sleeping if he wants to. It won’t matter where I’m at, I won’t be sleeping. I can’t leave. You just said it - what if something happens and a decision needs to be made? What? I’m supposed to be home, sleeping on my Egyptian cotton sheets while he’s in a hospital bed in a medically induced coma? I don’t think so.”

“I went home,” Miwa started before Tooru cut her off.

“Akiteru isn’t here,” he said softly. “I’m sorry, I know you love your brother, but it’s not the same. You have two kids at home who need you.” He pulled his eyes away from Tobio to look at her, “And you have the luxury of not needing to make medical decisions. Not that I wouldn’t discuss anything with you, you know I would, but at the end of the day, you don’t have to make the call. It’s me. You have the luxury of going home to the arms of a man who loves you. I’m going home to an empty bed. I – it’s not the same.”

“Fine Tooru,” she shook her head, and they lapsed into silence, listening to the hum of the ICU come to life around them, the voices, the beeping, occasional exclamations or crying. It was driving Tooru mad, really. He wished they were in a private room, but he supposed he could understand why they weren’t.

An hour went by, and Tooru received a text from Takeru that he had arrived and was waiting outside the ICU and asking if he could come back to see Tobio. Tooru responded that he wouldn’t be allowed back and that he’d be out in a minute.  

“How’s he doing?” Takeru asked in a hushed tone when Tooru came out to greet him, pulling him into a quick hug.

“He’s…stable?” Tooru shrugged. “Haven’t heard otherwise. The doctors haven’t been by this morning yet, so I’m taking that as a good sign.”

Takeru nodded, “Yeah, I’d say so. I’m so sorry Uncle Tooru. I talked to my mom and dad, and grandma too. They all said to let them know if you need anything.”

“Thanks,” Tooru said tiredly.

“And I told them not to call you. I said that you had to keep your cell off in the ICU anyhow,” he snorted. “They believed me.”

“They believe anything you say,” Tooru shook his head. “The golden grandchild.”

“Don’t hate the player, hate the game,” Takeru smirked and took the key Tooru held out for him. “I’ll get everything you asked for and I’ll be back in a little while.”

“Thank you,” Tooru pulled him into another hug. “Hey, if you want to you can stop by and see Iwa-chan, he’s in room 204…check and see if he needs anything brought back? It’ll save Ushiwaka a trip.” Tooru said.

“No problem, I was gonna ask if they’d let me in to see him while I was here,” Takeru nodded.

“Yeah, he’s in a regular room, so it’s fine,” Tooru gave him a tired smile. Takeru hugged him one last time before leaving to visit Iwaizumi before getting Tooru’s things from home.  

As soon as Tooru returned to Tobio’s bedside and sat down the team of doctors came in to assess Tobio, with Dr. Hatano leading the charge and Shirabu following closely behind.

They looked at the machines, read the charts, and talked amongst themselves while Tooru and Miwa were asked to step out briefly to make room for the various medical personnel. When they finished the exam Dr. Hatano told them that Tobio was doing well and that they were sending him for additional testing to make sure that the bleeding had stopped and to check on the swelling. “His vitals have been stable overnight. If the CT scans come back good, and he continues with this trend, I don’t see why we can’t reverse the coma on Monday morning.”

Monday morning? That’s two days away! “Ok, thank you,” Tooru nodded politely, rather than screaming in frustration. “And he’ll be in the ICU during that time?”

“Yes, until he’s conscious, we’ll be keeping him here. It allows us to keep a better eye on him and it’s better for security,” Dr. Hatano nodded.

“Security?” Tooru frowned and Miwa sighed. “Yeah, the news is out that the great Oikawa Tobio is in the hospital and that the great Oikawa Tooru hasn’t left since he got here. There’s a crowd outside. Security is keeping them out so far, but who’s to say someone couldn’t get in?”

Tooru rubbed his forehead, because what the actual fuck? No, really. He understood it was a news story but come on! Could he not have a minute of privacy, a moment’s peace while his husband hovered between life and death? Was that really too much to ask?

“Oikawa, we’re handling it. When your husband is ready for a private room, we’ll make sure he’s safe. Besides, once he wakes up the crowds will disperse, the story will fade. That’s what happens in these situations. People get riled up in the moment, then they move on when there are no gory details. I understand you’re both Olympians, but he’s not the Emperor,” Dr. Hatano smiled kindly, and Tooru gave him a weak smile in return.

“Right,” he agreed. “So, for now we wait?”

“For now, we wait,” the doctor agreed. “If anything changes, I’ll let you know.”

Tooru and Miwa stepped outside of the cubicle to allow the staff to move Tobio’s bed out into the hallway so they could whisk him away for more tests. Tooru supposed that was a good thing, that they continued checking on him, that they weren’t complacent. He wondered if it was standard protocol or if they were being extra careful because he was an Olympic athlete.

“I’m going to step out and call Aki,” Miwa murmured. “You should go grab a snack or something, they’re going to be a while.”

“I’m fine,” Tooru said and turned to walk back into the cubicle, but Miwa grabbed his arm to stop him.

“I don’t give a shit that you’re damn near a foot taller than me and probably a good 60 pounds heavier, you need a break, take a break. I’m not asking you, I’m telling you as Tobio’s sister you need to take care of yourself, ok? Since your ‘handler’ isn’t here, I’m taking over. Go get a snack, rest your eyes, look at daylight,” Miwa said firmly.

“Ok, fine,” Tooru muttered and followed her out of the ICU and into the hallway. Miwa watched him pointedly until Tooru went over to the elevator and hit the down button. Once inside, he only went down one floor and walked around a bit until he found a vending machine where he could buy a can of coffee. He eyed the vending machine selling food and bought a pack of milk bread before wandering over to a waiting area that was mostly empty but had floor to ceiling windows.

He opened the milk bread and took a bite, nearly gagging on it; there was no flavor, and it was incredibly dry. Grimacing, he tossed it into the garbage and opened the can of coffee to take a sip. It wasn’t amazing, but it would do. He walked over to the wall of windows and looked out, his stomach flipping at the scene in front of him.

A dozen or so people had gathered, some just standing, some holding cameras and a couple with signs saying we love you Oikawa! Get well soon Oikawa! He turned away quickly and walked down the hall and into a bathroom where he could be alone. He supposed he should be grateful for their support, happy that people cared about Tobio. Instead, all he felt was rage. Rage that they couldn’t just have this one moment to themselves, that he couldn’t just have this one moment to breathe and figure it all out.

It was the price of being a professional athlete, he supposed. You took the good with the bad and for all the perks, this was one of the pitfalls. He could only hope no one would actually make it into the hospital and get close to Tobio. Sighing, he splashed water on his face, used the restroom, and went back to the ICU. Miwa hadn’t returned so he sat in a chair at the back of the cubicle and just waited.

It wasn’t much longer before Tobio was returned, still unconscious, and a nurse told him they’d let him know of the CT results after the doctor had read them. Miwa returned soon after and he updated her. Later that afternoon, Takeru came back with a bag of stuff from Iwaizumi’s apartment and dropped it off with Atsumu.

Suga stopped by to check on Tobio when he arrived for his shift answering what questions he could for Tooru and Miwa since no one had updated them on the results of the CT. Suga was able to access the information and let them know everything looked good and that someone would be by to do evening rounds. Tooru texted on and off with Iwaizumi and Hinata, letting them know how Tobio was doing, letting Hinata know there was no point in coming back to the hospital as only immediate family was allowed in to see Tobio at this point and Hinata still needed to rest himself.

At 9 pm Miwa gathered her things to go home and Atsumu was parked outside the ICU waiting for Tooru with a bag of food. “I figured ya haven’t eaten,” he said holding up the bag. At Tooru’s displeased expression Atsumu rolled his eyes, “It’s not much, just some onigiri from my brother’s place. At least eat one or two, I’m not forcing a full meal on ya.”

Miwa greeted Atsumu, giving him a brief hug and thanking him for taking care of Tooru, who held back his eyeroll and pang of jealousy at the fact that they were still on good terms after all these years. Was it petty and childish? Maybe. It was always hard when Tooru was reminded of what Atsumu had first, including Miwa’s good will.

After she left, Atsumu guided Tooru back to the waiting area, which was empty at that time of night and forced him to sit and take the bottle of tea and an onigiri. “Eat it. I’m not having Tobio kick my ass when he wakes up and ya look like hell.”

Tooru gave him the stink eye but took a bite of the onigiri, almost moaning with how good it tasted. He hadn’t thought he was hungry, he hadn’t been, really. But truthfully he hadn’t eaten in 24 hours and whether or not he thought he was hungry, his body was letting him know he needed the food. “How long are you staying?” he asked between bites as Atsumu settled into the seat next to him.

“Me? Oh, I’m staying all night at least. I’m staying til ya leave,” he smiled brightly at Tooru, who rolled his eyes.

“I’m staying until Tobio…until he leaves or…” Tooru couldn’t bring himself to say it, but he knew that Atsumu knew what he meant anyhow.

“Then I am too. Look, I brought my toothbrush,” Atsumu pulled out a Ziploc bag with his toothbrush and toothpaste. “I also got some deodorant and a dry shampoo. I kinda hate that shit, but I kinda hate not washing my hair for a couple days more, ya know? Suna said he’d bring up some clothes for me tomorrow to change. I see ya got your own bag there?”

“I’m not leaving,” Tooru repeated, pausing to take a drink of tea. “I talked to Suga and he’s gonna sneak me into somewhere to take a quick shower tonight.”

“Nice,” Atsumu nodded, stretching out his legs and leaning back in his chair. “So, I’ll be right here waiting for any news during your 35 second shower.”

“I appreciate your help, and the food, really. I really do,” Tooru said. “But you don’t need to babysit me.”

Atsumu turned to face him. “Did ya eat breakfast? Lunch? Have ya slept at all?” Tooru glared at him and Atsumu continued, “Then yeah, I’m staying. You’re eating breakfast and dinner at least. I know I won’t get ya out of the ICU during the day and that’s fine. But before ya go in and after ya leave, I’m feeding ya. And making sure ya rest even if you’re not sleeping. And I’m gonna be here if ya need to talk or vent or whatever. It’s ok, you know? Just…if ya need someone to yell at or cry to,” his voice got softer, “I’m here. It’s fine, ok?”

Tooru bit his top lip, trying to hold in his tears. “They’re going to wake him up Monday,” he whispered. “If it keeps going well, he’s doing well, then they’ll wake him up Monday.”

“That’s good, right?” Atsumu whispered back.

Tooru nodded, “It is I just…”

Atsumu nodded, “Once he wakes up, ya don’t know what’ll happen.”

“Right,” Tooru closed his eyes and took a shaky breath. “He might…kick me out. He might…what if he has brain damage? I mean, I’ll take care of him, of course I will it’s not that, but for him? God, Atsumu. If he can’t play volleyball anymore? What’ll that do to him?”

“He’ll be an angry, pissy brat for a while, but he’ll deal with it. That’s what Tobio does. He gets pouty and lashes out but then he deals with it. And he’ll deal with whatever comes his way and he’ll get through it because ya’ll be there with him. He’s not gonna kick ya out anyhow,” Atsumu said confidently. “I told ya, he still cares. And when things like this happen? It makes ya realize it.”

Tooru nodded miserably and went back to eating. After his second onigiri Suga appeared and beckoned him, “You can come into the nurses lounge where we have our lockers. There’s a couple showers back there, no one’s there at the moment, but as long as I’m in there with you it’s ok. Hey Atsumu,” he waved at the blond who smiled and waved back.

“Heya Suga. I’ll be waiting right here for Tooru so if there’s anything that happens with Tobio, just let me know.”

“Will do,” Suga saluted him and guided Tooru down the hall to the elevator. “I suppose there’s no point in telling you to go home to rest?”

“Nope,” Tooru agreed, stepping into the elevator. “I’m staying as long as he is.”

Suga hummed in response. “Are you guys ok?”

“Nope,” Tooru responded again. “It doesn’t matter. I’m staying.”

Suga nodded, “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I’m still hoping you guys work it out.”

“Me too,” Tooru said softly. “I know I screwed up, I know I did, but I love him so much,” he squeezed his eyes shut and suddenly felt Suga’s hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, you both made mistakes. Tobio isn’t perfect either, he really…” Suga let out a heavy sigh. “He’s getting in his own way and self-sabotaging and…he loves you too. He really does. He just…I don’t know. I don’t know,” he repeated. “It’s good that you’re here.”

“Thanks,” Tooru whispered as they arrived on the 8^th floor and went to the nurses lounge for him to clean up and get himself ready for another night in the hospital.

…

The next morning was like Groundhog’s Day for Tooru: Atsumu provided him coffee and milk bread for breakfast, he went to visit Iwaizumi and then on to visit Tobio. During his conversation with Iwaizumi he found out that his best friend was going to be discharged that day.

“That’s great Iwa-chan! I’m glad you’re feeling better. I really, really am,” Tooru smiled tiredly at him.

“Thanks. Um, so Wakatoshi’s gonna be staying with us for a while to help me out. Just so you know,” he said, and Tooru nodded.

“I figured as much. It’s fine, I won’t be there anyhow,” he responded.

“How long are you going to live in the hospital?” Iwaizumi asked softly.

“Until Tobio goes home. Or until he wakes up and tells me to leave,” Tooru shrugged. “I’m not leaving him.”

“And if he wakes up and needs…help?” Iwaizumi asked, not saying out loud what he knew was weighing on both their minds. What if he has significant cognitive disabilities? What if he can’t speak? Can’t walk? What will you do then?

“Then I’ll help him,” Tooru said simply. “For better or worse. I didn’t leave our home the other day because I wanted to. I’ll never give up on him, not completely.”

Iwaizumi nodded hesitantly before speaking again, “Tooru, this probably isn’t the time-”

“Then don’t say it,” Tooru interrupted bluntly.

“-but I’m going to say it,” Iwaizumi continued. “I’m worried about you. Yeah, you’ve made mistakes but so has he. And somehow the blame always lands on you and I…it’s taken a toll on you. I love Tobio like a brother, you know that, but you are family. I just hate seeing you twisted up all the time. I just…I’ll support you, ok? I won’t bring it up again, so don’t worry about that, but I had to say it at least once. You deserve happiness too. And he…if he’s not happy with you he needs to stop punishing you. Don’t let him continue to hurt you, ok?”

Tooru looked down at his hands, clasped in his lap and squeezed them together tightly, hoping it would help to hold back his tears. For all their ups and downs, Tooru didn’t talk much about his relationship with Tobio with anyone outside of his therapist in Argentina, not about any of the deeper issues at least. He was used to being the bad guy, and he knew he had his share of toxic traits, but to hear someone tell him what his therapist had said, that it wasn’t all his fault, it meant a lot to him.

“Ok, Hajime,” he replied softly. “I’ll think about it.”

Iwaizumi let out a small, dry laugh, “But you’re gonna do whatever you want anyway, I know. It’s ok. Just be careful.”

“I love him,” Tooru shrugged again.

After the conversation ended he went back up to the ICU where he sat all day watching Tobio breath in and out, made small talk with Miwa, and met up with Atsumu at 9 pm when he was kicked out of ICU to eat more onigiri and drink more tea before once again settling into the waiting room to attempt to rest. That night he did nod off a few times, after all he hadn’t slept in days at that point, but it was anything but restful.

Chapter Text

Sunday, after Tooru woke up in the waiting room once again, he skipped the visit to Iwaizumi’s room since he’d gone home the day before and went straight to Tobio’s room to sit with Miwa until he was, once again, made to leave at 9 pm where he sat with Atsumu in the waiting room, eating his dinner of tea and onigiri.

The difference this night, though, was that Tooru was more agitated than usual and Atsumu picked up on it. He let it go for a while until he couldn’t help it and had to call him out. “What’s going on? Tobio’s ok isn’t he?” he asked softly, mindful of the fact that there were more people in the waiting room that evening.

Tooru shook his head, “It’s nothing.”

“Come on,” Atsumu picked up their bags and nodded. “Let’s go for a walk.”

Sighing, Tooru crumpled up his garbage and dropped it in the wastebasket before following Atsumu down the hall to the family bathroom where Atsumu pushed him inside and locked the door behind them for privacy. If he wasn’t so stressed about everything going on he would find it amusing that a public, family restroom was their crisis therapy room.

“So, what is it? Come on, ya need to let it out and that’s why I’m here,” Atsumu leaned back against one of the walls and shoved his hands in his pockets.

“They’re reversing the coma tomorrow,” Tooru blurted out, leaning back against wall opposite Atsumu and squeezing his eyes shut. “And I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know…what if he doesn’t wake up? Or he wakes up and he tells me to get the fuck out? What if he’s so disabled…”

“Then we’ll deal with it,” Atsumu said calmly. “But there’s nothing ya can do about it right now, so ya gotta let it go. Worry about the problem in front of ya, which is getting some rest. Is Suga coming by to get ya in the nurses lounge again?”

Tooru looked down at his phone to check the time, “He said he’d be later; he gets off at midnight.”

Atsumu nodded, “Ok. That’s good. Things always feel better after you shower.”

Tooru gave him a disbelieving look and Atsumu stared right back, “Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me ya don’t usually feel better after a shower? Whether ya been crying or sick or sweaty or whatever. Life is a little easier when you’re clean.”

“I guess,” Tooru grudgingly admitted.

“Hey, if there’s anything ya want to get off your chest before we go back out there, I’m here to listen. Come on,” Atsumu encouraged him.

Tooru let out a heavy sigh, “I don’t know. I just…maybe I should just leave.”

“Wait, what? Why?” Atsumu demanded, frowning at Tooru.

“Because all we ever do is hurt each other!” Tooru burst out. “I was talking to Iwa-chan and he said that, basically, that he was worried about me because I let Tobio put all the blame on me. And he’s probably right, I guess…but still. I’m always the one…I started it. Maybe I should just let him be. Let him find someone who loves him the way he deserves to be loved…”

Atsumu blinked at Tooru before shaking his head, “I don’t know what any of that means, but I know that he loves ya, ok? He never shuts up about ya. I’m sure…unless there’s abuse or some shit involved, it takes two to make a relationship work or fail. So, I’m sure part of it is your fault, part is his-”

“I cheated on him,” Tooru interrupted flatly.

“What? When?” Atsumu screwed his face up in concentration, trying to wrack his memory for that information, but came up blank.

“It was…shit. Back in…2019? We…” he let out a heavy sigh. “So, we reconnected in 2016 at the Rio Olympics. I knew he was there, I lived close enough to make the trip and I ran into him. Nothing happened, we just talked and it was nice, it was good. I think he was still with you at the time,” Tooru gave Atsumu the side eye and kept going.

“Anyhow, we started texting here and there, nothing crazy. It wasn’t until a couple years later that we ran into each other in Sendai and got dinner together and started talking for real. You guys were long over and I wasn’t in a relationship and we hooked up. I didn’t think much of it beforehand but after…” he chuckled.

“I’m sure you don’t want details, but we’re pretty compatible in that way, you know? Anyhow, we just fell so hard so fast for each other. Like overnight I was obsessed with him. I had to go back to Argentina, but we agreed to date long distance and at first it was fine. It was great; we were both so busy with volleyball and in that honeymoon phase that nothing mattered, we were on a high all the time,” Tooru sighed and closed his eyes, letting his mind drift back to those early days when anything seemed possible, when he was sure he and Tobio could make it last.

“He came to visit me over the winter, and it was amazing. I loved having him there…and then I wanted him to come back the next winter to see me, that’s your summer, but he didn’t want to. He wanted me to come back to Japan and we argued a lot, but eventually he caved. Then he had to cancel the trip at the last minute, I don’t know why anymore,” Tooru leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. After taking a shuddering breath, he continued. “I was so fucking mad. I went out with some teammates that night and I cheated on him.”

“By cheated ya mean…” Atsumu asked cautiously.

“I made out with a guy at a bar. No sex…but only because we got interrupted. I wish I could tell you I came to my senses, but his hand was down my pants, and we were on our way. I felt so fucking righteous in the moment. I was convinced that Tobio wasn’t coming because he was cheating on me, probably with you,” Tooru laughed. “It was ridiculous. Things had been tense between us…I really thought he was just going to end it, so what difference did it make? Anyhow, the next morning I sobered up and felt awful. I hated myself and decided I would take it to the grave. But then a day later, Tobio showed up on my doorstep, telling me he loved me, and he wanted to figure it out.”

“Did you tell him then?” Atsumu’s voice was soft.

“I did. He freaked, of course he did. He told me coming to Argentina was a mistake and we were done; he never wanted to see me again. That he should have known better, long distance never worked out. He grabbed the next flight out and we didn’t talk for months. I was sick, literally. I didn’t get out of bed for a week; my teammates did a goddamn intervention on me. Eventually I worked through it and during our Christmas break I flew up to Italy for a grand gesture, told him how sorry I was, begged for forgiveness. He caved; he always does. We got back together,” Oikawa shrugged.

“Then COVID hit. The world shut down and we didn’t see each other until the Tokyo Olympics. But during that time, we talked constantly. There wasn’t much else to do, it’s not like we could go anywhere or see anyone, you know? So, we talked, Facetimed, sent emails, shared memes, whatever. We became each other’s world, and it was so amazing, we got so close. It sucked not being physically together, but we were able to devote so much time to just each other, you know?”

“Yeah, I remember…it was crazy. I was seeing someone at the time, and we decided to live together so we would be able to see each other. Not a good idea, by the way. We broke up after about 6 months and I moved into ‘Samu’s place til I went back to Tokyo to train for the Olympics,” Atsumu said.

Tooru nodded, “Yeah. Well, we saw each other again in Tokyo and were basically inseparable and it was amazing. And then, he went back to Italy, I went back to Argentina and the distance got to us again. We started getting busy again, the world was slowly opening up. We made it a year before sitting down and agreeing that we should just break up.”

“Why though?” Atsumu frowned. “Ya could see each other again?”

“Yeah, but where were we going? I was a naturalized citizen in Argentina; he was living in Italy but going back to Japan eventually. Neither of us wanted to move. What were we doing? He wanted to talk about the future and I just…I knew it wasn’t going where we wanted so I wanted to avoid the future. Eventually it came to a head, and he just told me straight out he had no intention of living anywhere but Japan, long term. And I had no intention of ever coming back. So that was it. It wasn’t angry like the first break up, but it still hurt like a motherfucker. Even though we knew it was the right thing to do, it still hurt,” Tooru sighed.

“But then the next year in June we met up accidentally during the Nations League and we couldn’t keep apart, decided to give it another try. We were more thoughtful this time around, talked about what compromises we would both make. By the next off season, his summer, last summer, we were both feeling the strain, both dealing with jealousy and insecurity and the way we fixed it? We eloped,” Tooru chuckled. “Because if we were married then it wouldn’t fall apart right?”

Atsumu nodded for him to continue, doing his best to keep his mouth shut while Tooru verbally vomited the history of their relationship.

“It was on the beach, at sunset, so fucking cheesy right? But it really was beautiful. We had one of my teammates as our witness. Our families were pissed, but we didn’t care. We were high again, you know? Convinced this was the thing that would make it work. Then halfway through the season I got hurt. My shoulder,” he clarified. “I needed surgery. Tobio thought I should come back to Japan, where he was so he could take care of me and Iwa-chan could supervise, but I decided to stay in Argentina and let the team doctors take care of me.”

“Why? Seems like it would make more sense to come back to Japan? Perfect opportunity to spend time with your husband?” Atsumu asked, confused.

“Right. Well, I had agreed…I had agreed to come back to Japan permanently after my career ended. I didn’t want to, but fuck, you should have seen the look on his face when I agreed. I would do anything to put that look on his face, I swear to God I would. And just seeing him light up, it was worth it. I thought it was worth it,” Tooru choked out, fighting back tears at the memory of Tobio’s face in that moment.

“But when the moment was over, when he went home and I had time to think about it, I started getting resentful. I didn’t want to give up one minute in Argentina, so I didn’t. I got the surgery, then the season ended, and I was back in Japan anyhow. We agreed to trade off seasons, to step back from the summer leagues unless it was the Olympics, to stay in each other’s country. And so here I am.”

“Right, here ya are anyhow. But…something didn’t work ‘cause he kicked you out,” Atsumu stated.

“Right, well, I was here but I was a bitch about it. And he was a bitch about me not getting my surgery done here and it was just…escalating. And getting ugly. And finally he snapped. And that was it. And I was so tired of fighting, so tired of being the bad guy all the fucking time. I mean, he never let the cheating go. And I get it, I hurt him. I really do understand, but fuck, how many times can I apologize? He tracks my phone, I’ve never come close to doing anything like it again. I’m the asshole for leaving Japan. I’m the asshole for not wanting to come back. It’s just…so much…and if he’s that unhappy all the time. What the fuck am I fighting for anymore?”

They sat in silence, listening to the sound of the water drip in the sink. Tooru was exhausted by everything he’d just said, never having said it out loud all at once before.

“That’s a lot,” Atsumu finally said softly. “I don’t know, man. I think…do ya love him? All the bullshit aside. Do ya love him?”

“I would end my career today if it meant he’d survive and go back to playing volleyball. I’d give my life if it meant he’d be ok,” Tooru said without hesitation. “I love him more than anything.”

“Then do better. And make him do better, hold him accountable. Whatever that looks like for ya guys, but make an effort, a real one, to do it healthier this time. You’re getting a second chance here so don’t blow it. Ya guys…not everyone finds their soulmate, ya know? Some of us just wander around alone all our lives,” Atsumu said softly.

“You and Suna?” Tooru asked and Atsumu laughed.

“Me and Sunarin? He’s dating my brother. They’re about as fucked up as ya and Tobio, but they’re in love, no doubt about it,” Atsumu shook his head.  “No, I’m doomed to wander the world alone. Come on, let’s get up. Suga should be looking for ya soon and my ass is asleep.” He stood and reached out a hand to pull Tooru up. “You feel better getting it all out?”

“Kinda,” Tooru admitted. “There’s so much more to it…but yeah.”

“Good. I won’t tell anyone either, don’t worry about that,” Atsumu told him before unlocking the bathroom door.

“I know you won’t,” Tooru nodded.

“Now…you’re glad I’m here, aren’t ya?” Atsumu winked at him and Tooru rolled his eyes.

…

“We are going to stop the medications that are keeping your husband in the coma,” Dr. Hatano explained after completing his routine assessment of Tobio’s machines and chart notes on Monday morning. “He’s expected to wake up on his own sometime within the next couple days.”

“You don’t know when though?” Tooru asked, anxious.

“I’m sorry, but no. When the body is healing, it may decide it needs an extra day, or it may decide it’s ready now. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything, so don’t be stressed if he doesn’t wake up today,” Dr. Hatano responded.

Tooru nodded, apprehensive as he watched Tobio, looking for some instantaneous change that just didn’t happen.

“We’ll continue to check on him throughout the day,” Shirabu told him. “If you have any questions you can have me paged, ok? There’s no reason to think he won’t wake up.”

“Thanks,” Tooru nodded shakily, taking Tobio’s hand again, holding it as he had all day for the last few days. He watched the medical team leave and settled back into his seat.

Miwa stared pensively at Tobio for a few minutes before speaking, “I’m sorry, I have to say this. I’ve been holding it for a while, but I can’t…”

Tooru braced himself for whatever it was she was going to say to him; he’d been waiting for someone to call him out on the messiness of their relationship; it may as well be his sister. “Ok…?” he asked cautiously.

“I cannot let him leave the hospital with his hair like that. It’s dreadful. It’s…it’s…he looks like he got in a fight with a lawnmower and the lawnmower won. I can’t…” she trailed off helplessly and Tooru let out a snort. A beat later they were both laughing, doing their best to keep quiet given their surroundings.

“Oh, shit. You know you could shave his head, I doubt he’d care,” Tooru said, wiping a tear.

“I don’t know…he says that, but he sure uses all those products I give him,” she grumbled. “I know it’s not the most important thing, what his hair looks like,” she sighed. “It’s just…I don’t know. I look at it and it just reminds me of what he’s been through. Not like sitting in the ICU doesn’t do the same thing, but it’s different. I don’t…” she trailed off.

Tooru hummed in agreement because he understood. Being in a hospital was bad enough, but the hacked-up hair job, which had to be done considering the emergent nature of the surgery, was a more visible reminder of the trauma to his body. “I’m sure you can fix it up before he leaves.”

She nodded and fell silent again. That day they were quieter than usual, both watching Tobio like a hawk for any sign that he was waking up; a hitch in his breathing, readjustment in the bed, a twitch of his hands, but nothing. It wasn’t until around 5 pm that evening that he began to stir; at first Tooru wasn’t sure if it was his imagination, but Tobio’s fingers seemed to wiggle in his grasp. Then, his eyes scrunched and he cleared his throat before blinking a couple times.

“Tobio?” Tooru whispered, squeezing his hands. Tobio squeezed back, gently, and with his other hand he touched his throat. “Water?”

Miwa jumped up like she’d been burned, looking around the room for a cup before rushing out of the cubicle to grab a nurse who followed her back in immediately. “He asked for water?” Miwa said anxiously while the nurse peered down at Tobio.

“You’ve just woken up after a few days, water may be a bit much. I’ll get you some ice chips, ok? Your doctors are on their way down also,” the nurse said in a soothing tone, and Tobio nodded, watching her quietly as she moved around him, checking his vitals before she left the room for the requested ice.

“It’s ok,” Tooru said softly. “Just rest, she’ll be back soon, ok?”

Tobio turned to look at him, his big blue eyes opened wide, studying Tooru. “Ok,” he whispered, a hint of a smile on his face. Tooru smiled back reassuringly, and they held that eye contact until the nurse returned with the ice chips. She slowly adjusted his bed so that he was in more of an upright position and spoon fed a few chips, which he seemed to appreciate.

A moment later Dr. Hatano was in the room as well, introducing himself and Shirabu as well as a couple other medical interns that had been following his injuries.

“I see you’ve had some ice chips, how’s your throat? Feel like you can answer some questions for me?” he asked.

“Sure,” Tobio croaked out, his voice cracking, before clearing his throat and shaking his head. “Sorry,” he muttered.

“No, not at all, take another ice chip,” Dr. Hatano ordered and Tobio opened his mouth for the nurse to continue feeding him.

“Now then, what’s your name?” Dr. Hantano asked.

Tobio glanced at Tooru before answering, “T-Tobio?”

Dr. Hatano smiled, “Ok. Your family name?”

Tobio blinked, “Uh…I…I’m not sure?”

“That’s fine. Do you know the young lady sitting to your left?” Dr. Hatano continued tapping on his iPad while Tobio looked to his left, wincing a bit as he readjusted.

“Uh, no? Should I?” Tobio asked innocently. Tooru gave Miwa a lot of credit for not letting it get to her, although he knew her well enough to know it stung. He had a pretty good feeling that he’d know that pain soon enough.

“She’s your sister, Miwa,” Dr. Hatano smiled. “It’s ok. And the gentleman to your right?”

Tobio readjusted again so that he could turn to his right and look at Tooru. He glanced down to where they were still holding hands. “No. Sorry,” he mumbled.

“That’s fine, that’s Tooru. He’s your husband,” Dr. Hatano responded. Tobio’s eyes flew up from their hands to meet Tooru’s eyes again.

“Oh,” he breathed out. “Ok. Hi,” he said shyly, and Tooru couldn’t help the smile on his own face.

“Hi Tobio,” Tooru responded, a feeling of love washing over him.

Dr. Hatano asked a few more questions and then put his iPad down. “Ok Tobio, here’s the situation. Last week you were in a car accident, and you suffered a brain injury. We’ve repaired the damage, and you’ve been in a medically induced coma since then to allow the swelling to come down in your brain, which it has. Beautifully in fact. It would appear that you’re suffering a bit of memory loss, which is most likely temporary, although how long it will take to heal we cannot say. You also have some internal injuries which are healing well, and we can go over that in a little bit, but right now we need to take you off for a few tests. Do you have any questions for me?”

Tobio blinked. “I…have memory loss? How do I get my memory back?”

“It will likely just come back in time. Until then it would be helpful for you to rest and to talk to people you know about who you are, shared memories. Look at pictures, videos, watch your games-”

“Games?” Tobio interrupted. “What does that mean?”

Dr. Hatano smiled, “You’re a professional athlete.”

“I’m…oh,” Tobio frowned. “I don’t remember that.”

“That’s ok, it’ll come back to you. I’d be interested to see if you’ve retained your muscle memory of how to play volleyball, but it’s entirely too soon to do anything athletic. For now, we need some additional testing, then if all goes well we’ll admit you to a private room. Sound good?” Dr. Hatano smiled.

“Sure?” Tobio responded hesitantly.

Other medical personnel came into the room to wheel Tobio, still in his bed, off for whatever tests he was going to need. As they started to wheel him out of the room he called out to Tooru, “Wait-will you be here when I get back?”

“Of course, I’ve been here the whole time. I won’t leave unless you want me to,” Tooru responded. “I’ll be here when you get back.”

“Ok,” Tobio nodded. “We can go now.”

The doctors nodded and followed the moving bed out of the room and off for testing.

Chapter Text

Miwa turned to Tooru, wide eyed. “We need to let people know he’s awake…It’s just…” she trailed off, her voice uncertain.

“He doesn’t remember any of us,” Tooru finished. “But his memory could come back at any time, right? So, we just…follow his lead for when he wants visitors and who he wants to see.”

“I’m fixing his hair before he sees anyone,” she said flatly. “Oh my God, my brother is finally awake, and I’m worried about his hair,” he buried her face in her hands.

“It’s fine,” Tooru assured her. “It’s just so…unexpected? I don’t know…”

“Well, I’m gonna call Aki and he can let Kei know,” Miwa pulled out her phone.

“Ok. I’ll tell Atsumu and find Suga. Maybe they can call Hinata? I don’t know, it’s a lot…” he stood up, rubbing his forehead. “You can have the room, I’ll be with Atsumu in the hall.”

Tooru left the ICU and walked back to the waiting area to talk to Atsumu. Unfortunately, there were a few people in the room at the moment, so he pulled Atsumu out into the hallway to give him the update.

“He has no memory? Like at all?” Atsumu’s mouth fell open in shock. “So…damn. I mean, that’s good for ya, right?”

Tooru rolled his eyes, but he had to admit Atsumu was on to something. “For now, I guess. But eventually he’ll get his memories back so…”

“So, what are ya gonna do?” Atsumu asked quietly.

“I’m going to take care of him and show him that I can be a good husband. And then if he never remembers…then maybe we can make it? But if he does maybe he’ll see that we can be good together and give us another chance. And if he decides he still wants out then…I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.”

Atsumu let out a whoosh of air. “That’s crazy man. Ok, so what do ya need from me?”

“He’s awake, you’re off the hook,” Tooru frowned. He’d assumed this would be the end of Atsumu as his “person”.

“And Iwaizumi is still recovering and ya still need someone to lean on. Fuck, maybe more than before because you’re gonna be walking a tight rope everyday of wondering when his memory is coming back and what it means. So, I’m still here for ya. I won’t be waiting in the hallway all day every day, but I’ll come check on ya every day. Ya still need someone to talk to...I’m assuming ya can get your own meals? So now, what do ya need?” Atsumu repeated.

“I…I don’t know,” Tooru admitted. “I guess can you call Suga and Hinata and let them know? I’ll get to Iwa-chan. Um…and I guess let Ushijima know too. I know he was…stressed. Um…I don’t know when he’ll be discharged but if he still has no memory he’ll expect me to go home with him so my stuff will need to be moved back from Iwa-chan’s place to ou-hi-our home. So, um, maybe you can do that? If it happens. There’s not much,” Tooru said hesitantly.

“No problem, I can do that. Hey,” Atsumu put a hand on Tooru’s shoulder and squeezed. “Are ya ok? Do ya need to talk right now?”

“I…” Tooru thought for a moment before shaking his head. “No, I don’t. I don’t know much yet, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I just need to rest, I think? Anyhow, I don’t know how long he’ll be gone in tests and whatever, so I need to stay here. I promised him I’d be here when he got back.”

Atsumu studied him before answering, “Ok then. I’m gonna head out and make the calls. Actually, I’m gonna go down and grab ya some dinner then I’ll go. If ya need anything, call me. Ok?”

“Sure,” Tooru nodded.

…

Later that evening things had become more settled; Tobio was admitted to a private room where Tooru was allowed to spend the night, and the men had finally been left alone for the evening. Tooru settled into the reclining chair next to Tobio’s bed, while Tobio tried to get comfortable after being jostled around all day. He peppered Tooru with questions about his medical condition before changing tracks. “So...how long have we been married?”

“Oh,” Tooru smiled softly at him. “10 months.”

“That’s not very long…” Tobio mused. “How long have we been together?”

Tooru couldn’t help but chuckle, “Well that’s a loaded question. On and off for seven years.”

Tobio’s eyebrows shot up, “Ok. How did we meet?”

“Tobio…” Tooru sighed and shifted in his chair. “Don’t you want to get some rest? The doctor said-”

“Dr. Hinata said I need rest but I’m not tired right now. He-”

“Wait, what did you say?” Tooru frowned, interrupting Tobio.

“What? What did I say?” Tobio frowned back.

“Dr. What?”’ Tooru prodded.

“Dr. Hinata? What?” Tobio’s frown deepened.

“His name is Dr. Hatano,” Tooru said slowly.

“Ok? So, I messed up his name?” Tobio shrugged. “So what?”

“No, it’s just…your best friend’s name is Hinata Shoyou. Do you remember him?” Tooru asked.

Tobio held his gaze for a minute before looking up at the ceiling and sighing. “Hinata Shoyou? No, I don’t…how long have I known him?”

“Since high school. Well, technically you met in your last year of middle school,” Tooru gave him a brief explanation of how they met as adversaries before becoming friends in high school.

“Ok,” Tobio nodded. “That’s Hinata. So…how did you and I meet then? Did we go to high school together too?”

Tooru smothered a sigh and tried to figure out the best way to handle the conversation. Tobio might not be tired, but Tooru was exhausted and their story as a couple was exhausting as well. “We met in middle school. We were on the same volleyball team; I was two years ahead of you in school, so I was the team captain when you joined.”

“Ok,” Tobio said slowly. “Were we friends?”

“Not really,” Tooru admitted. He thought about sugar coating the story, but eventually Tobio would get his memory back and it would all be for nothing anyway, right? He’d probably just be pissed that Tooru lied to him. Again. “I was jealous of you. You were really talented, and our coaches thought it was motivating to pit us against each other. You were pretty much oblivious and really eager to learn, and I was an insecure little shit who took his internalized self-hatred and homophobia out on his first male crush.”

“Oh,” Tobio breathed out, more of a sigh than anything. “So…then what?”

Tooru sighed, “So then I was a dick to you for the next few years and left for Argentina. You graduated high school and went to your first Olympics. I met up with you there, it was in Rio which was pretty close to Argentina all things considered. So, we just got to talking and kept in touch and a year later decided that we were ready to act like adults and try dating, even though it was long distance.”

“Ok,” Tobio said thoughtfully. “That’s...you said on and off? What happened?”

“Tobio…can I be honest?” Tooru sighed. Tobio nodded and he continued, “I’m really tired right now. I’m sorry, I just…I thought you might not make it for the past week and I just…I’m so relieved that you’re awake and alive and you should be ok and I just. I feel like all the adrenaline is leaving my body. I’m sorry.” It wasn’t technically a lie, but it wasn’t totally true either; Tooru just wanted to get out of the conversation until he could figure out how to spin their relationship in a more positive light.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think-” Tobio looked stricken, causing Tooru to sit up in his chair.

“No, Tobio. Of course you didn’t realize, you’ve had so much thrown at you today. I can’t even imagine what you’re feeling right now! I’m basically a stranger to you and you’re letting me sit here while you sleep and stay with you. I don’t blame you for wanting answers, ok?” Tooru smiled at him and reached out to grab his hand. “I will answer all your questions. I will, I just need to rest first, ok?”

“Ok,” Tobio agreed. “Is that chair comfortable? Can you really sleep in it?”

“It’s ok. Better than the waiting room couch,” Tooru snorted. At Tobio’s frown he explained how he’d been sleeping in the waiting room each night. “So really, this is a step up. Private room and all,” Tooru joked.

“Come get in bed with me,” Tobio said, scooting to one side.

“Tobio, no. You…those beds are made for one person, and you’re injured,” Tooru shook his head.

“We’re both thin enough, the bed isn’t that small. Besides, I want you close to me…is that ok?” Tobio asked hesitantly. Tooru’s eyes widened as Tobio continued, “I don’t remember a lot…I don’t know who anyone is. But I know I love you…I think? I feel safe with you. I just want you with me and I don’t like being away from you, I know that. So…I must love you a lot, right? So please? Lay with me?”

“I…” Tooru faltered at a loss for words. He wanted nothing more than to get into bed with his husband. They hadn’t slept in the same bed for a couple weeks, even before he’d been thrown out. Would he be taking advantage of the situation? Would Tobio wake up and be angry, suddenly remembering everything, and hate Tooru even more? “Of course, Tobio. I absolutely want to be close to you; I just don’t want to hurt you.”

“It’s fine, come on,” he insisted, and Tooru gingerly climbed into bed, mindful of the wires and IVs, careful to ease in next to him and let Tobio readjust around him so that he was comfortable. “See,” he murmured when they were finally settled. “This is good. You comfortable?”

“Yes,” Tooru breathed out, closing his eyes and relaxing for the first time in he didn’t even know how long. “This is perfect.”

…

Tooru awoke to a poke at his shoulder. He readjusted, grumpy that he’d finally gotten a good nights sleep and someone was insisting on waking him. He felt another poke and finally opened his eyes to see a scowling nurse staring down at him. “This is a patient’s bed! You need to get out, use the recliner!” she snapped at him in a harsh whisper.

“Tobio wanted me next to him,” Tooru muttered. “And he’s sleeping, isn’t that the point?”

“Get out of that bed now!” she insisted.

Tooru sighed and tried to figure out if he should continue arguing with her or just get up when Tobio stirred. “Tooru?”

“It’s ok,” Tooru soothed. “Go back to sleep. I need to get up though.”

“No!” Tobio whined and wrapped his arms tighter around him. “Don’t go.”

Tooru looked helplessly up at the nurse who just huffed. “Fine,” she snapped. “But don’t make it a habit.”

“Mmmhmm,” Tooru responded, relaxing against the bed while she checked Tobio’s vitals. When she left a few minutes later Tobio spoke, “What time is it?”

Tooru twisted around to grab his phone off the table next to the bed. “It’s 5:00 am.” He fell back into bed, “You should go back to sleep.”

Tobio pouted and Tooru couldn’t help the rush of affection he felt at expression, “I don’t want to. I want to talk to you.”

“Oh…ok. What do you want to talk about?” Tooru asked softly, dreading whatever questions were coming his way. He knew he’d have to deal with the tough stuff at some point, he just wasn’t ready yet. 

“How long do we have to stay here?” Tobio asked. “I wanna go home.”

“We’ll ask when Dr. Hatano comes around,” Tooru assured him. “I think he said before only a couple days. They just want to make sure you’re stable, ok?”

“I’m fine,” Tobio insisted.

“They need to be sure,” Tooru responded. “If something happens, it’s better to be in the hospital than at home. I have no medical training, I don’t know what to do.”

“You’ll stay with me, right?” Tobio asked hesitantly and Tooru heart froze.

“Of course, I told you I would,” he said cautiously. “I’ll stay as long as you want me to.”

“Ok. I mean, you can sleep in my bed, and I have a bathroom, so you can shower here,” Tobio rambled on and Tooru took a breath to steady himself. He didn’t really understand why Tobio was so clingy, but he wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth. It had been a long time since they had been so close physically, since Tobio had willingly clung to him. Tooru couldn’t help feeling that he had to hold on as long as he could.

“It’s fine, Tobio. I told you I’d stay. It’s alright. I do need to pee though,” he chuckled and Tobio let out a huff.

“Ok, fine. When can I pee? I’ve got this stupid catheter…”

“Well, you needed it before. And they probably need to measure your urine output…but probably they’ll remove it today. They need to make sure your bladder is functioning before they discharge you,” Tooru explained patiently as he carefully got out of bed.

“My bladder is fine…wait. Is it?” Tobio looked up at Tooru, confused. “I mean, they said I had other injuries, but no one said what they were? Was my bladder injured? I can’t play volleyball with a catheter!”

“You’re…no, your bladder is fine. Um, you had a punctured lung and something with your kidney, but they fixed that. The main concern was your brain,” Tooru told him.

“And so, I’m ok besides my memory?” Tobio asked skeptically.

“Well, you’re healing,” Tooru said. “I mean, you’re still gonna hurt and have to take it easy. No volleyball this season,” he said regretfully, waiting for a temper tantrum that never came.

“Oh,” Tobio nodded. “I guess that makes sense. So, um, do you…you play volleyball too, right?”  

“I do, yeah,” Tooru responded.

“Do you-well, go to the bathroom and we can talk in a minute,” Tobio sighed, and Tooru reached out to give his leg a quick squeeze.

“Be right back,” he murmured, hurrying into the small bathroom to pee and brush his teeth. When he came back out Tobio had dozed off again, so Tooru settled in the recliner next to his bed and curled up under an extra blanket that Atsumu had brought earlier with the rest of his toiletries and a change of clothes. He pulled out his phone to see a few texts asking for updates on Tobio. He scanned through them and shot off some quick replies, assuming most people would still be asleep and wouldn’t respond. He was surprised when Iwaizumi responded right away.

Iwaizumi: I’m glad he’s doing better

Iwaizumi: How are you?

Tooru: I’m fine

Iwaizumi: Yeah, you keep saying that

Iwaizumi: Atsumu stopped by for some of your stuff?

Tooru huffed out a laugh trying to imagine how that interaction went. He knew that Iwaizumi and Atsumu got along fine, but it was no secret that Tooru held a grudge against Atsumu.

Tooru: He’s my person

Iwaizumi: That’s what he said

Tooru: I’m fine Iwa-chan

Tooru: Tobio woke up and he’ll be ok

Iwaizumi: Still doesn’t remember you?

Tooru: Still doesn’t remember anyone. Or a lot of stuff in general. Not sure how long it will last

Iwaizumi: Don’t you think you should tell him the truth?

Tooru: NO

Tooru: He’s fragile, I don’t want to upset him. He’s really clingy with me and I don’t want him to feel alone. I can deal with it when he remembers

Iwaizumi: You’re playing a dangerous game Tooru

Iwaizumi: I worry about you

Tooru: I’m fine

He promptly silenced his phone and set it down, not wanting to continue arguing with his best friend. Sighing, Tooru leaned back in the recliner and closed his eyes, not intending to sleep but just trying to quell his anxiety. Tobio seemed very attuned to Tooru’s mood; if he was anxious, Tobio was going to be anxious, and he didn’t want that. Tobio needed to remain calm and steady so he could heal. Even if healing meant he remembered wanting a divorce.

He wasn’t sure how long his eyes were closed, but they snapped open when someone gently squeezed his shoulder. “Tooru, hey,” Suga whispered. “Sorry to wake you.”

“No, it’s fine,” Tooru shook his head and sat up. “What’s up?”

Suga glanced over at Tobio who was still sleeping and nodded at the door of his room. Tooru followed him to just outside the room, not wanting to be too far away in case Tobio woke up.

“How’s he doing?” Suga asked.

“He’s ok,” Tooru responded. “He’s feeling ok I think. Considering,” he grimaced. “He wants to go home.”

Suga studied him for a moment before responding, “How are you doing?”

“I’m fi-” Tooru started and Suga waved him off with a tsk.

“This can’t be easy on you, having to pretend everything’s ok,” Suga kept his voice low, but Tooru could still hear the concern.

“I’m where I want to be,” Tooru evaded the question. “Look, we were-are-we’re having problems, ok? I get it but I never wanted…” he propped his hands on his hips and looked at the ground. “I never wanted us to end, ok? I don’t know what he told you, but…”

“Not much,” Suga admitted. “Mostly just that you were having problems. When you say you didn’t want it to end…?”

Tooru smiled sadly and looked back to make sure Tobio was still sleeping, “He kicked me out a couple days before the accident. I was staying with Hajime.”

Suga’s sharp intake of breath surprised him, he assumed that Tobio had talked to someone about their spiraling relationship, but so far no one seemed to know anything. “Tooru, I’m sorry. I…I didn’t see that coming.”

“Yeah, me neither,” Tooru said bitterly. “So yeah, it’s hard being here and just waiting for…I don’t know. For him to wake up and remember that he hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you,” Suga replied automatically. “He’s just upset.”

Tooru shook his head but let it go; it wasn’t the time or place to get into it. He’d found that everyone around him was much more optimistic about his relationship than he was and he was tired of discussing it.

“T-Tooru?” Tobio’s voice called out and Tooru hurried back into the room.

“I’m here, Tobio. I was just outside talking to Suga, we didn’t want to wake you,” Tooru walked right over to him and grabbed his hand. “Are you ok, you need anything?”

“Suga?” Tobio asked curiously.

“Hey Tobio,” Suga smiled. “I’m Sugawara Koushi. We’re pretty good friends.”

“Oh, ok. Sorry I don’t remember,” Tobio looked apologetic, but Suga waved him off.

“Please don’t worry about it. I’m a nurse here on another floor, so I was able to sneak in to see you before visiting hours. Is there anything I can get you?” Suga asked.

“Um, breakfast? Can I get real food this time?” Tobio pouted and Suga held back a laugh.

“I’ll put your order in. No solids yet?” Suga asked and Tobio shook his head. “Ok, I’ll see what I can do. Anything else?”

“Do you have time to sit with me? Can you tell me how we met?” Tobio asked hopefully and Suga smiled softly at him.

“I have a little bit of time before my shift. Let me call down for your breakfast. Tooru, do you want to run down and grab something for yourself? I’ll sit here and keep Tobio company,” Suga encouraged, and Tooru looked at Tobio to make sure he’d be ok. Tobio bit his lip nervously but nodded and Tooru nodded back, picking up his wallet and phone.

“I’ll be back soon ok? I’ll bring my food up here to eat,” Tooru told him and saw Tobio’s shoulders visibly relax.

“O-Ok,” Tobio nodded. Tooru gave him a brief smile before heading down to see what the cafeteria had that morning. On his way he texted Takeru with an update, realizing that he’d forgotten to tell him what had happened the day before.

He cautiously opened the last text from Iwaizumi that must have come in after he’d silenced his phone. It read You’re scaring the hell out of me. Tooru didn’t bother responding and pocketed his phone. Iwaizumi was scared? Tooru almost laughed out loud. What did he have to be scared of? His future was set, his boyfriend was stable, and they had a loving relationship. Tooru was the one who was scared, everything in his life was up in the air. His marriage, his husband’s health his own career…

And that was something else, wasn’t it? Because everyone knew about the surgery and that it went fine, but no one realized that Tooru had fallen off his physical therapy the last couple weeks. Because of course he had; he’d been kicked out of his home and his husband and best friend almost died. Stretching and weight lifting weren’t high on his list of priorities at the moment. But he wasn’t dumb, he knew if he didn’t take the time to heal properly it could cause irreparable damage. Not only that, but just because the surgery went fine, it didn’t mean it was successful enough to guarantee he could continue at his current level of play.

That was something he hadn’t shared with anyone. He had wanted to give it one more season, just to see what would happen. If he couldn’t hack it, then he’d retire back to Japan and back to Tobio and things would be ok. He hadn’t seen any reason to let Tobio think it was a real option back then, he hadn’t wanted to think about it as a real option. But the lack of follow through on his recovery could make that a very real situation.

It was one more thing weighing on him that he hadn’t told anyone about. And at the moment, he had no desire to share it either. Focus on Tobio, after all, he could get his memory back any moment and then your future might be more set in stone than you’d like.

Chapter Text

Tobio looked curiously at the silver haired man in front of him. Suga. His name is Suga and we’ve been friends since high school. My husband is Tooru. My sister is Miwa. My best friend is Hinata Shoyou. He watched as Suga placed the call on his room phone before he sat across from him in the chair Tooru had been sitting in. “So, what would you like to know?” he smiled at Tobio, helping him to instantly relax. He had no idea why, but he instinctively knew this was a person he could trust.

“How did we meet?” Tobio asked.

“That’s easy,” Suga chuckled. “We played on the same volleyball team in high school. Actually,” Suga gave him a sly grin, “You stole my spot on the team!”

“What?” Tobio gasped. “And you didn’t hate me?”

“No,” Suga waved his hand in the air. “I mean, I didn’t love it – don’t get me wrong. But I understood. And honestly, you were much more talented than I was. I still taught you a lot about being a good teammate, reading people, social skills and all that. But your technical skills and raw talent way surpassed mine. And I still got to play and be involved. We wouldn’t have made it to Nationals without you,” he said softly. “You had a lot going on in your life, even if I was jealous at the start, I couldn’t hate you.”

“What kind of stuff?” Tobio asked, his own voice as soft.

Suga hesitated before answering, “I don’t know how much you know about your childhood. It might be better coming from Tooru or Miwa.”

Tobio thought about it for a minute before shaking his head. “I don’t think it matters. Tooru already told me that we didn’t get along when we were kids, so I don’t know what he really knows from that time. Miwa’s my sister so…she’d know but…it might be harder for her to talk about it. I don’t want her to be more upset right now,” he shrugged.

Suga let out a sigh. “Ok, well. You were raised by your grandfather and your sister. Your parents died when you were very young and so you guys went to live with him. He died when you were in middle school, your third year, and your sister did the best she could, but she was only 21 at the time…you kind of melted down. I wasn’t there for all that, it’s just what you told me. And when you got to Karasuno-that’s our high school-you were…angry and insecure. You burned some bridges with middle school friends, and I think you were afraid of being cast aside again.”

“What happened?” Tobio asked.

“In middle school? Hmm,” Suga considered what to say before responding. “Like I said, you were going through a rough time, and I think you were kind of…controlling and demanding with your teammates. To be fair, they didn’t know what was going on in your life, you hadn’t told them, so they just snapped and quit being your friend. That’s what you told me anyway.”

“Oh…I…am I a bad guy?” Tobio asked hesitantly.

“No! Oh my God, no Tobio. Not at all. You were 15 years old, and you had a lot going on. You made some mistakes, but what teenager doesn’t? No, I promise you, you are not a bad guy. I would not be friends with you all these years later if you were!” he said reassuringly.

Tobio nodded, “Ok. Well…can you tell me more about high school?”

Suga let out a bark of laughter, then clapped a hand over his mouth, realizing it was 7 am in a hospital. “Well, you came to Karasuno, argued with Hinata on the first day of practice, knocked the vice principal’s wig off his head, got kicked out by Daichi, became best friends with Hinata, and close friends with some others, made friends with everyone on the team and took us to Nationals,” Suga said matter-of-factly.

“I…that’s…a lot,” Tobio said, his brows furrowed in concentration. “That’s a lot,” he repeated.

“It is,” Suga agreed. “There’s so much more than I can tell you in the next few minutes and I need to head up to my floor when Tooru gets back. But I can visit you again if you want? I understand if you’re tired or getting too many visitors-”

“Yes! Please come back!” Tobio said quickly. “I want to hear more stories about high school! And after that, I mean we stayed friends right? So, you know things Tooru wouldn’t.”

Suga smiled gently, “I’m sure I do. Ok, I’ll stop back during my lunch break, is that ok?”

Tobio nodded and Tooru walked back in the room. “How’s it going?” Tooru asked brightly and Tobio’s heart thumped in his chest, causing one of his monitors to beep a little more quickly. He hoped no one noticed but the smirk on Suga’s face told him otherwise.

“It’s good. Suga told me about how we met. And…the vice principal’s wig?” Tobio asked.

Tooru chuckled, “Oh my God, I haven’t heard that story in years. But if anyone was gonna do it, it would be you and Shoyou.”

“Why’s that?” Tobio asked curiously. Tooru and Suga exchanged a look before giggling.

“Let’s just say you guys were a lot in high school…scratch that,” Suga shook his head. “You guys are still a lot now!”

“Now?” Tobio asked incredulously. “But we’re…we…how old are we?”

“You’re 28 years old. Your birthday is in December,” Tooru told him.

“Ok…and we still act like idiots?” Tobio asked incredulously.

“Pretty much,” Suga said.

“Yep,” Tooru agreed. “Only when you’re together though. When you’re not around him you’re pretty calm.”

Tobio thought about it, trying to pull some memory to the surface, a face, hell even a feeling but he was getting nothing. “If you say so.”

“Ok, guys I gotta run. I’ll check in with you later,” Suga gave them a quick smile and Tooru sat down with his coffee and milk bread.

“That’s all you got?” Tobio frowned. “You should eat better. And more.”

Tooru looked up in surprise. “You know for a guy with no memory you sure say a lot of the same things,” he commented wryly.

“Doesn’t take memory to know that caffeine and sugar aren’t the best way to start the day,” Tobio shot back.

“Au contraire,” Tooru responded. “It’s the perfect way to start the morning.”

Tobio grimaced and leaned back into his bed watching while Tooru sipped on his coffee. He couldn’t figure it out, but something was off with his husband. He seemed tense all the time, like he was waiting for bad news. Maybe it had something to do with Tobio’s health that no one had told him yet, but he didn’t think so. Maybe he was just worried because of everything that had happened, and it wasn’t like Tobio could remember their relationship, maybe Tooru was a tense person in general?

Oddly enough, what Tobio could remember was his feelings towards Tooru. Just as he’d instinctively trusted Suga, he instinctively knew he loved Tooru. He felt it deep inside, the pull between them, the connection. He was glad they were already married so he didn’t have to worry about trying to hide feelings for someone he didn’t belong to; that could have been awkward.

He was pretty sure Tooru loved him too, so he didn’t think that was the issue. He could tell in the way Tooru touched him, very gently, almost reverently and the way Tooru looked at him when he thought Tobio wasn’t paying attention, like he was precious. 

So, what was going on? Deciding he wasn’t going to figure it out in the next 15 minutes, Tobio willed himself to relax into bed and wait for his breakfast to arrive, hopefully something other than broth and juice. He watched Tooru eat and sip his coffee as he absently scrolled through something on his phone. Tobio wondered what it was…texts from someone? Email? Social media? The news? It wasn’t long until his own food arrived, and he decided that Suga was a literal angel since he was served eggs and toast with milk. He caught Tooru smirking at him and asked him why.

“Oh, nothing really. It’s just…Suga ordered you milk and even now, you don’t remember your poor husband, but you light up at a box of milk. That you remember,” Tooru sighed dramatically and Tobio could tell his husband was teasing him. He just rolled his eyes in response and Tooru’s grin widened. “And that is the exact response you would have given me a week ago. The Tobio I know and love is still in there.”

Tobio flushed and reached for his chopsticks to start on his eggs. It was good to hear, that he was still him, whoever that may be. And that he was loved.

…

The next few days passed with Tobio resting, his only visitors being Tooru, Miwa and Suga. Tooru told him it was to help him gather as much strength as he could before being discharged. Miwa said it was because his hair was a nightmare, and she refused to let him see anyone before she could fix it. He knew she was teasing and so he kept putting it off but on the day before he was set to be released he finally let her buzz the rest of it off; she said she couldn’t see a better way to fix it. Truthfully, Tobio didn’t care much and when he asked Tooru if he would have minded before Tooru told him probably not.

Later that evening, after Tooru had packed their things in anticipation of a morning discharge and Miwa had been kicked out due to visiting hours ending, Tooru slid into bed next to Tobio as gently as he could, still mindful of the monitors even though the IVs and catheter had been removed. “Tobio, you need to know that there’s still a media presence outside.”

“A media…why?” he asked, confused.

Tooru sighed, “You’re the starting setter for the men’s Olympic volleyball team. You…you almost died in a car accident. The world is watching.”

“Oh,” Tobio tried to digest that. He knew he was a professional athlete and that his husband was as well, but he didn’t know he was that good at what he did. “Well can’t you just tell them I’m fine and they can go home?”

Tooru let out a bark of laughter. “Some things never change,” he muttered. “No, Tobio. It doesn’t work that way. We’ll have your agent issue a statement after you’re discharged and we’re home. Suga will take us out through the employee entrance. One of our friends, Atsumu, he’s going to drive us home.”

“Atsumu,” Kageyama turned that name over in his mind. “You said he’s our friend? How do we know him?”

He noticed Tooru vaguely wince at that question and his tone was different when he answered, “He’s your teammate on the National Team. He’s…you met him in high school at a training camp. You’ve stayed in touch.”

“Ok,” Tobio frowned. “Why are you acting weird? Do you hate him or something?”

“No, I don’t hate him,” Tooru said softly, closing his eyes and pulling Tobio to lay down with him. “We’ve never been particularly close though. But he’s been really helpful since your accident and he’s a good friend to you.”

Tobio couldn’t quite explain it, but he could sense Tooru didn’t want to talk about it anymore and so he decided to let it go. Settling back against his husband and closing his eyes, Tobio was able to relax. Tomorrow I’ll be going home and hopefully I’ll remember something.

…

“Heya, Tobio,” a blond guy with a big smile walked into Tobio’s hospital room the next morning. “Heard ya finally got sprung. I’m Atsumu by the way.”

“Hey,” Tobio responded, glancing at Tooru who walked over to Atsumu and gave him a quick hug before handing him a bag of his things. “Tooru said we’ve been friends since high school?”

“Friends, eh?” Atsumu smirked at Tooru. “Sure, yeah. We’ve been friends since then.” His expression turned serious, “How are ya feeling? There’s not so much media out there today, but I did drive in with a baseball cap and a mask on so no one would recognize me. I’m in Iwaizumi’s car, which is pretty sweet by the way.”

“Iwa-chan let you take his car?” Tooru asked incredulously.

Atsumu shrugged, “I told him it was for Tobio, and he was fine with it.”

“Who’s Iwa-chan?” Tobio asked, confused and mildly irritated. He hated being left out of the conversation, especially since he was the only one out of the loop. Plus, Tooru said he wasn’t close to Atsumu but they hugged right away and what was that smirk Atsumu sent him when he said sure, yeah earlier? Was something going on between Tooru and Atsumu?

“Oh, sorry Tobio,” Tooru grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “Iwa-chan, his name is Iwaizumi Hajime, he’s my best friend. He was in the accident with you.”

“Oh yeah,” Tobio muttered, remembering that now. He didn’t think Tooru had called him Iwa-chan before but who knew? His brain wasn’t exactly reliable at the moment.

Atsumu told them he was taking Tobio’s stuff to his car and he’d be ready to pull up to the entrance when they were ready to come out and to just text him. Tobio thanked him as he walked out, but he still had a funny feeling there was more to that relationship than Tooru had led on.

“When is Dr. Shirabu coming?” Tobio asked grumpily. “I want to go home.”

Tooru frowned, “He should be here soon, he said right after morning rounds. What’s wrong?”

Tobio shrugged and avoided his eye contact. “Nothing, I just want to go home and shower in my own bathroom,” he muttered.

“You don’t remember your own bathroom,” Tooru reminded him before sighing. “It is Atsumu? You were fine before he got here. Did you remember something?”

“No…I just think you’re lying about something. You said you barely know him, but you hugged him, and he laughed when I said you said we were friends,” Tobio huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. “I might not remember my past but I’m not stupid. You’re not telling me something.”

Tooru sighed and sat down in the chair next to Tobio’s bed. “Fine. Yes, there is more to it. I didn’t really want to get into it right now…”

“Well, I do,” Tobio pouted.

Tooru rolled his eyes and let out a bigger sigh, “Fine. Atsumu was your first boyfriend and your first lover. I’ve hated him for years because I can be a jealous asshole sometimes. A lot of the time, honestly. When you got in the accident Atsumu really came through for me since my husband and best friend were both injured…he…I don’t know. He could see I needed help and stepped up because you guys are still pretty good friends. That’s all. He laughed because he knew I hadn’t told you about your past together and assumed it’s because I’m still jealous.”

Tobio blinked, “I dated him? Really? He’s kinda hot.”

“Yeah, I know,” Tooru snapped.

Tobio let out a startled chuckle, “You’re not still jealous are you? I mean…we’re married.”

Tooru gave him an unnerving stare. “I know,” he said softly. “But most of the year I live in Argentina, and you are in Italy…or Japan or where the fuck ever you’re playing in a given season. And when you’re with the National Team you’re with him. So…yeah. I’m petty and jealous, ok?”

“Ok,” Tobio nodded. “But I…I don’t feel anything when I look at him.”

“No offense Tobio, but you have no memory of anyone, so that’s not exactly comforting,” Tooru said irritably.

Tobio rolled his eyes, “The moment I saw you, yeah I didn’t know who you were, but I knew I loved you.”

“You-really?” Tooru’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.

“Yeah,” Tobio nodded. “I was really glad we were already married and I wasn’t, like, just pining after you. That would have been weird. I don’t think I’m a good actor for some reason.”

Tooru’s lips wobbled before he broke into a grin. “You absolutely are not,” he confirmed. “Ok, fine. You love me and not Atsumu.”

Tobio shook his head, “You’re a nut.”

Tooru’s mouth fell open but before he could respond, Shirabu walked in the room. “Good morning Oikawas,” he announced before turning to Tobio. “I have completed your discharge paperwork and your instructions for going home.” He handed the paperwork to Tooru to read over. “If you have any questions, my number is on there. Basically, you just need to rest. Try to avoid tv’s or reading for the time being. Music, podcasts, audiobooks, are all fine. No exercising, no volleyball,” he squinted at Tobio. “You need to rest if you want to make it back next season. You need to schedule a follow up with your primary doctor in a couple weeks. Call if you feel any new or worsening pains, any bleeding from your stitches, all of that.”

Tooru scanned the paperwork, “Ok, thanks. We’re good to go then? Atsumu’s waiting for us downstairs.”

“Yes. Let me page Suga to show you the way out the employee’s entrance. Oikawa, I hope you continue to feel better. If you need anything, just call,” Shirabu said and Tobio nodded.

“Thanks,” he said as Shirabu tapped away on his cell phone.

Suga appeared just a few minutes later. “Hey! You’re going home today. Congratulations!” Suga grinned at him.

Tobio smiled back. “Yeah I am. You’ll visit though, right?” he asked anxiously.

“Of course! And I’ll bring pictures from high school. And when you’re ready, I’ll bring some of our high school friends too. I know you want to talk to everyone, but it’s important to space out your visitors so you don’t get over tired. Although I’m sure Tooru will watch you like a hawk,” Suga smiled knowingly.

“Yes, I will,” Tooru nodded as he helped Tobio out of bed and into the waiting wheelchair that Suga had brought with him.

“I don’t need this thing-” Tobio started.

“Yes you do,” Suga and Tooru responded in unison.

“It’s a safety precaution, Tobio,” Tooru sighed.

“Otherwise, if you fall the hospital could get sued and I’d get fired,” Suga said bluntly, and Tooru snorted.

“Yeah, that too,” Tooru rolled his eyes. “Come on, I texted Atsumu.”

“He’s my ex,” Tobio informed Suga.

“Yeah, I know,” Suga laughed. “You know I always thought he was kinda cute.”

“You should go out with him,” Tobio said. “Maybe Tooru wouldn’t be so jealous then.”

“Tobio,” Tooru hissed and Suga laughed.

“I’ll keep it in mind,” he winked as he led them to the elevator and hit the down button.

Atsumu was pulled up in front of the door leading from the hospital into the parking garage and he got out when Tooru and Tobio came outside. Tobio stood up from the wheelchair and Suga said goodbye and wheeled it back in. Tooru put their bags in the trunk while Tobio got buckled into the front seat. He slid into the back seat as Atsumu was pulling out masks.

“Just til we get about a block away,” he said. “I doubt anyone will recognize the car but ya never know.” He pulled his ball cap low on his forehead and started driving. Once they exited the garage and were on their way, seemingly unfollowed, Tobio spoke up.

“So, we used to date?” he asked, prompting Atsumu to let out a bark of laughter.

“So, he finally told ya, huh?” Atsumu looked at Tooru in the rearview mirror and winked. Tooru rolled his eyes in response.

“He did, yeah. So, why’d we break up?” Tobio asked and Atsumu snickered.

“Cut right to the chase, don’tcha? Some things don’t change,” Atsumu shook his head and looked back at the road. “Well, no big story there. We were young and just starting our careers…after that first season with the National Team, we were both just scrubs sitting the bench, but it was good experience, ya know, we both went to our V League teams. Ya were in Tokyo, I was in Osaka. Still am,” he added.

“Anyhow, it just got too hard to keep up with each other. We were always traveling and even when we were home, I mean home was hundreds of kilometers apart. So for a good six months of the year, we were barely able to talk to each other and we only saw each other when our teams played against the other. We were also trying to keep a low profile since we didn’t know how people would react. I think the stress just got to us, ya know?” he shrugged. “Sorry, there’s not much more to it.”

“Did we fight a lot?” Tobio asked, still curious.

“We…kinda? I mean, not about big things but just…ya know, ya missed our regular phone call, where were ya? Ya have a couple extra days off, can’tcha come see me? Why did ya flirt with that reporter? Shit like that. Nothing that meant anything, it just built up,” Atsumu said.

Tobio hummed as he considered this. “Were we in love?” he asked, oblivious to Tooru’s pained expression in the backseat.

“Ah…yeah. We thought so anyhow. But looking back…I’m not sure,” Atsumu said thoughtfully.

“Why not?” Tobio asked.

“Well…” Atsumu said slowly. “I think if we were truly in love, we would’ve figured it out, ya know? We…we just let it go too easily. I think if we were really in love, we wouldn’t have been able to let go. I think…I think we cared about each other a lot, and I think we were in love, but not like, meant to be together forever in love, ya know? Just like…first love, figuring things out love. Does that make sense.”

“Hmm,” Tobio thought about that. “I guess so. Were we ever happy?”

Atsumu glanced in the rearview mirror again before answering, “Sure, but ya know, I’m not sure Tooru wants to hear about all that.”

Tobio frowned, “It doesn’t matter, I’m not in love with you now, I’m married to him, and I love him. He knows I love him.”

“You remember that?” Atsumu asked, surprised.

“Yeah, I do,” Tobio nodded. “It’s weird, like I remember feeling really close to some people? Like Suga. He thinks you’re cute by the way, you should ask him out. Maybe Tooru wouldn’t feel so jealous?”

“Hey!” Tooru squawked from the backseat.

“He does, does he?” Atsumu chuckled, pulling into their driveway.

“Yeah,” Tobio said. “Oh, I should have asked if you’re married?”

“I’m not, no I’m single,” Atsumu kept grinning. “But I’ll keep it in mind. I think he’s cute too, ya know?”

“He is,” Tobio agreed. “I know a lot of hot guys.”

Tooru heaved an irritated sigh from the backseat.

“Simmer down pretty boy,” Atsumu said as he turned the car off. “You’re the one taking him home.”

Home, Tobio thought as he looked up at the house in front of him, hopeful that being there would remind him of something, of anything.

Chapter Text

After parking in the driveway, Atsumu turned off the car and helped Tooru and Tobio get their things in the house. He left shortly after, telling Tobio he’d come by later in the week if he wanted to talk some more. Tobio thanked him and waited patiently for Tooru to walk him back to his car. He felt ridiculous, after all he was in his own home, but he didn’t recognize anything.

Finally, Tooru came inside and smiled at him, causing his heart to jump and race, leaving Tobio wondering if he still felt this way after being together for so many years or if it was only because he had no memory of Tooru, so it was all new to him?

“So, do you want a tour of our house, or do you want to rest? I can make you some lunch while you sit on the couch or I can bring food up to the bedroom?” Tooru asked.

“Uh…a tour please. I want to know where everything is at.”

Tooru nodded, “Fine. Just let me know if you get too tired or you feel dizzy, ok?”

Tobio nodded and grabbed Tooru’s hand. Tooru gave him a soft smile and squeezed his hand before leading him through their house. It was larger than Tobio expected with a large family room, kitchen, dining room, half bath, and home office on the first floor, which had sliding glass doors that led outside to a large yard and an inground pool. Slowly they climbed the stairs to the second floor with three bedrooms, two full bathrooms and a small laundry room.

Tobio found that he was a bit tired at that point and decided to rest in bed while Tooru made something quick for him. Once Tooru left the room, Tobio looked around not wanting to leave the comfort and safety of bed.

The room was a good size, painted pale blue. The furniture was dark brown, and it was very neat and tidy; he wondered if that was because of him or Tooru. There was a bathroom attached, and he was struck with the desire to take a shower. He knew he wasn’t supposed to get his stitches wet for another week, but he also knew they had waterproof dressings to put over the incisions on his chest. His head was another matter, and he had already agreed to let Tooru wash it by hand. He felt ridiculous again, needing someone to help him bathe, but the idea of getting Tooru in the shower with him definitely had some appeal.

There were large windows looking out into the backyard and a few framed photos on the dresser. One was of him and Tooru on a beach, grinning at each other and he wondered if it was a wedding picture because while they weren’t wearing suits they were definitely overdressed for the beach. There was another picture of the two of them, this time looking into the camera, both wearing soft smiles. He had no idea where that was taken, but it looked like they were wearing different clothes.

He laid back against his pillows and closed his eyes. I will remember. It’ll take some time, but I will. Shoyou will come over and talk to me and he’s my best friend, so he knows everything. He can tell me things that Tooru probably doesn’t know…or won’t tell me. Because as much as he loved and trusted his husband, he got the feeling that Tooru was holding something back.

…

In the kitchen Tooru prowled through their fridge to find something quick for Tobio to eat. He only had to push aside a few things before he found a square plastic container filled with pasta sauce and a sticky note from Atsumu on the front, thawed out Tobio’s fave sauce, YW. Tooru chuckled and dumped the sauce into a pot to heat up and grabbed a box of noodles from the pantry.

While Tobio had been in Italy he’d grown very fond of spaghetti and had learned how to make both marinara and meat sauce from scratch. He tended to keep a container or two frozen for a quick heat up. Thank God (and Atsumu) because now Tooru had a quick lunch ready in approximately 15 minutes.

While waiting for the noodles to boil, Tooru sent off a quick text to Atsumu thanking him for thinking ahead. Atsumu responded quickly.

Atsumu: how’s it going at home?

Tooru: It’s ok. Tobio is resting and I’m making lunch

Atsumu: how are you though?

Atsumu: really

Tooru closed his eyes and twisted his head back and forth, cracking his neck before answering.

Tooru: I’m ok

Atsumu: you keep sending me that shit and I’m gonna stop by and check on you. I know you’re not ok

Tooru: I’m terrified ok? I’m afraid he’s not well enough to come home I’m afraid he’s gonna remember everything and kick me out I’m afraid he’s never gonna remember everything and I have to lie to him forever. Is that what you wanted to hear?

Atsumu: Yeah. You feel better now?

Tooru: I need to finish lunch

Tooru: I’ll talk to you later

Scoffing, he drained the noodles and prepared two bowls so they could eat together. He also grabbed two glasses to pour iced tea and then realized he couldn’t carry it all upstairs at the same time. Grabbing Tobio’s meal first he walked carefully up the stairs and into their bedroom where his husband was lying back on the bed, gazing out the window.

“Hey handsome,” Tooru grinned. “I’ve got lunch.” He walked over and set the food on the nightstand before turning back towards the door.

“Wait,” Tobio called out, frowning. “Where are you going?”

“Just getting my own lunch so we can eat together,” Tooru assured him. Tobio seemed to relax, and Tooru hurried down and back up so they could eat before the food cooled off too much.

After taking a couple bites, Tobio moaned in appreciation. “You are a such a good cook!”

Tooru chuckled, “Not really. All I did was heat it up. Actually, you made this. You’re the cook, between us. I can make some stuff, but not as much as you can.”

“Really? How’d I learn to do this?” Tobio asked, taking another bite.

“You…ah…you spent a few years in Italy, playing professionally there,” Tooru told him.

“Really?” Tobio’s eyebrows flew up. “Do I speak Italian?”

Tooru’s lips twitched in a smile, “You think you do.”

“What?!” Tobio gaped. “What does that mean?”

Tooru let out a hearty laugh, “You speak English well enough, and you speak some Italian. But you’re not fluent. I used to tease you, and God would you get pissed.”

Tobio made a grumpy face and Tooru kept laughing, “There! Yes! That face right there!”

Tobio huffed and rolled his eyes, a smile starting to form, “You’re ridiculous.”

“You love me anyway,” Tooru said easily, the words rolling off his tongue without much thought. He froze momentarily and then shook it off. He used to say that type of thing to Tobio all the time, trying to diffuse an argument. At first it worked, later though…

“Sure,” Tobio nodded, continuing on with his lunch and setting his bowl aside when he finished. He settled back against the pillows again and watched as Tooru ate his last few bites of his spaghetti.

Tooru gestured for Tobio’s bowl to take the dishes down and stood. “I’m going to rinse these and clean up the kitchen. What do you want to do? Rest?”

“Actually, I wouldn’t mind taking a shower,” Tobio admitted. “I feel…funky.”

“Funky,” Tooru said, biting back a smile. “Well ok. I’ll bring up your bag from the hospital, and we’ll cover your stitches with that waterproof dressing. I’ll finish the dishes then.”

“Wait,” Tobio sat up, frowning. “Will you help me?”

“Help you?” Tooru echoed hesitantly.

“Yeah, in the shower? I probably shouldn’t be moving around too much, and I can’t get my head wet. Do you…not want to?” Tobio asked, seemingly confused and Tooru’s heartrate picked up. Dumbass, he thinks you’re happily married.

“Sure, I can, sorry,” Tooru chuckled. “I just…I was just wanting to get the kitchen cleaned so I could get back up here quicker, and we could take a nap or something. But sure, Iet me just load the dishwasher. It won’t take long.”

He fled out of the room and downstairs, putting the bowls in the dishwasher and giving the pots a quick rinse before putting those in as well. He leaned against the counter and closed his eyes. He thinks you are happily married. There’s no reason for you to not want to touch your own husband or see him naked. The problem wasn’t that Tooru didn’t want to touch Tobio, it was quite the opposite. He ached to touch Tobio, but was that really morally acceptable? Considering that Tobio had no idea about the status of their relationship?

He ran his hands through his hair in frustration and took a deep breath trying to calm himself. You can do this. You will do this for him. You will be the best husband you can be for as long as you can be and deal with what happens when it happens. He rotated his shoulders, wincing at the pain from where he should still be doing his physical therapy but had fallen off in the last couple weeks.

Tooru walked back into the bedroom to find his husband missing from the bed. “Tobio?” he called out.

“In here,” a muffled voice replied, and Tooru followed it into their walk-in closet.

“What are you looking for?” Tooru asked.

“I don’t know. Just…looking,” Tobio shrugged. “Which side is mine?”

“To the left,” Tooru gestured.

Tobio nodded. “There’s not a lot on your side?” he asked.

“Yeah. Well, I was in Argentina most of the year. I brought a lot with me, but I couldn’t bring it all, you know? I…” he hesitated because this was a sore spot for them.

“We’re married and you still plan on Argentina being your full-time home?” Tobio had asked incredulously.

“My job is there!” Oikawa had snapped back. “I already agreed to come back to Japan when I retire but until that day I have to live where my job is! I need to wear clothes when I’m not in my uniform you know,” he’d sneered.

“Oh really?” Tobio had hissed back. “Because from what I remember you don’t mind going around naked. Saves time, doesn’t it?”

It had been a nasty argument; it wasn’t the final one that had ended with Tobio kicking him out, but it was still bad.

“Tooru?” Tobio asked quietly and Tooru shook himself.

“Yes, sorry,” he let out a wry chuckle. “It’s…we argued about me leaving more stuff in Japan, that’s all. I just remembered it. I don’t like fighting with you,” he said honestly.

“Ok. Well, let’s not fight then. Where’s my pajamas? I think I want to be comfortable after this. No one’s coming over, right?” Tobio asked, giving Tooru whiplash at how quickly he changed the direction of the conversation.

“No, not unless you want them to. Although Atsumu told me that Shoyou has been bugging him. And I’m sure Miwa wants to come and bring her family. But no, not until you’re ready,” Tooru said. “Your pajamas are in the dresser, come on.”

They went back into the bedroom and Tooru pulled out pjs for both of them and then went into the bathroom, not exactly sure what to expect. When he ‘moved out’ he had swiped a bunch of his products into a bag. He had no idea if Tobio had moved things around or where Atsumu might have put his stuff back. A cursory look told him that nothing seemed too out of place.

He dropped their clothes on the counter and paused as Tobio started to pull his t-shirt off before grimacing. “Help?” he pouted, causing Tooru’s heart to melt, the way it always did when Tobio unconsciously stuck out his bottom lip and widened his big blue eyes.

“Of course, baby. Come here,” Tooru murmured, helped Tobio ease out of the shirt before throwing it in a nearby hamper. Tobio seemed to be able to ease out of his shorts and boxer briefs easily enough, so Tooru went about taking his own clothes off. After all, if he was supposed to wash his husband in the shower, he’d have to be in there too, right?

He tossed his own clothes in the hamper and turned the water on, making sure that spray was coming out of the handheld shower and not the rain shower head. He wanted as much control as possible over where the water was going to hit Tobio’s body so they could avoid his wounds. Stepping back out to let the water heat up, Tooru rummaged around in the hospital bag until he found the waterproof dressing.

“Come here,” he said softly, as placed the dressing and tape on the counter before turning back to Tobio. Tooru’s eyes raked over his husband’s body before filling with tears.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Tobio frowned.

“Nothing, it’s just…” Tooru pressed his lips together to hold back a sob. Yes, he’d seen Tobio’s wounds and bruises in the hospital when he’d helped him change that morning and obviously he’d have stitches and such, he’d been in an accident and had surgery. But seeing it up close, in their home, it just hit differently. “Sorry,” he whispered and cleared his throat. “It’s just seeing it so close…”

“I’m ok,” Tobio said softly. “I know it doesn’t look great, but I’m here and I’m gonna be ok. Don’t cry, I’m not going anywhere,” he reached out to wipe a tear from Tooru’s cheek, not realizing that his words only made him cry harder.

I’m not going anywhere. Tooru let himself be pulled into a gentle hug as he cried on Tobio’s shoulder. Maybe today you’re not, but I’m going to lose you soon enough.

…

Tooru did his best to get through the shower as efficiently as possible. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy running his hands all over Tobio’s body because, God, who wouldn’t love to do that? But he didn’t think it was right, not when Tobio couldn’t remember anything. When he protested the lack of affection Tooru brushed him off, saying that Dr. Shirabu told him to rest and not do anything strenuous; Tooru would not be going back to the doctor’s office explaining that Tobio popped a stitch having sex in the shower.

Tobio had only chuckled and called him a prude, but he seemed content with the explanation. It was hard though, so hard for Tooru because he knew that if this was in the good times, if Tobio had a memory, no amount of doctor’s warnings would keep them from doing something in that shower.

After they were finished, Tooru dried them both off and he led a yawning Tobio back to bed where they settled under the covers. Since Tobio wasn’t supposed to watch tv he asked Tooru to tell him stories about his life until he dozed off.

Tooru decided to tell him about their wedding; other than knowing they’d gotten married on a beach, Tobio didn’t know much so Tooru filled in the rest. About how he’d been visiting, and they decided a spontaneous elopement would be romantic. About how his teammate, Luis, had been their only witness because he was the only one who could be trusted to keep his mouth shut. About how they’d gone to a local bakery for a wedding cake and took it home to eat in bed, feeding each other and making a mess. How their families had gone apeshit when they heard the news.

About how happy they’d been that day.

By the time he got to the part where they were still deciding on a proper honeymoon, Tobio was out cold, leaving Tooru to lay silently next to him, staring at the ceiling and wondering how the hell he was going to pull all this off long term without losing his damn mind.

…

Tooru couldn’t sleep. He watched Tobio for the longest time before getting antsy. He didn’t want to get up and leave the room, just in case Tobio woke up and panicked or had a health emergency, so he just pulled out his phone and decided to text his person.

Tooru: It’s harder than I thought

Atsumu: what happened

Tooru: He just wants to know so much

Tooru: I get it but it hurts thinking about the happy times

Atsumu: yeah

Tooru: Did it bother you when he brought up your relationship?

Atsumu: not really. Did it bother ya?

Tooru: I didn’t love it.

Atsumu: don’t be an ass, he plain said he loves ya

Tooru: So…Suga…

Atsumu: don’t be an ass

Tooru: You think he’s cute though

Atsumu: Yeah so? You’re cute too. Don’t want to date ya

Tooru: Don’t be an ass

Atsumu: 😜

Tooru: Put your tongue away. What’s wrong with Suga?

Atsumu: Absolutely nothing that I know of, I barely know him.

Tooru: You know, I don’t know much about you and I can’t exactly ask Tobio

Atsumu: 😂ain’t that the truth

Atsumu: not much to know. I’m single and I’m fine that way

Atsumu: back to ya. Are ya gonna be ok? I can come hang out with Tobio for a while if ya need time to decompress. Maybe visit Iwaizumi

Tooru: I am not leaving you alone with my husband

Tooru: He thinks you’re hot and he can’t remember how annoying you are

Atsumu: you’re ridiculous. I’m trying to be helfulp

Atsumu: *helfpul

Atsumu: dammit HELPFUL

Tooru: I appreciate it but I’m not ready to leave him yet

Atsumu: Got it. when you’re ready I’ll be here.

Tooru put his phone down on the nightstand and looked down at Tobio, still fast asleep and took a shaky breath. I’ll never be ready to leave him. Hopefully, I won’t have to.

…

Tooru had finished the breakfast dishes and wandered out of the kitchen to find Tobio standing by the sliding glass door to their backyard. “Do I swim?” he asked.

“Yeah, you like doing laps. It’s one of the reasons you bought the house,” Tooru said, coming up behind him and wrapping his arms gently around Tobio’s waist like he’d done a million times before.

“What do you mean, I bought the house. Isn’t it our house?” Tobio asked. Tooru couldn’t see his face, but he could hear the frown in his voice.

“It is,” Tooru said, trying to keep his voice steady as a memory flooded his brain.

“Hey, we should have a house in Japan, don’t you think?” Tobio asked as they lazily relaxed in bed a couple days after their wedding.

“Are you planning to go back to Japan permanently? You’re really done playing overseas?” Tooru asked, rolling from his back to his stomach to look at Tobio.

“I think so,” Tobio said thoughtfully. “I like Italy, but I miss home. I’ll be back with the Adlers this season. You think I shouldn’t stay?”

“I think it’s up to you,” Tooru said carefully. “If you feel more comfortable in Japan, then it makes sense to stay.”

“Yeah,” Tobio agreed. “I like the idea of having a home…I’ve never really had a home where I felt…safe…I guess? Not safe, but…like I was home. You know?”

Tooru did know; once Tobio’s grandfather died he lived basically alone and after that he traveled so much for volleyball he never felt settled. He lived in team housing for his first few years in the league and then went to Italy where he’d lived in an apartment building but only during the season, always returning to Japan in the summers.

“I know, Tobio. I think it would be nice for us to have a place that’s ours. You know…I want you to think of this place as ours too,” Tooru said, scooting closer to place a kiss on Tobio’s lips.

“Yeah but…it was yours first. I want a place that’s really ours. Not just mine or yours. And you said you’d come home eventually…” Tobio trailed off uncertainly.

“I will. It makes sense to buy a home in Japan, I just won’t be around to help you. I’ll make you a deal, if you buy the house you want, I’ll decorate it,” Tooru grinned.

Tobio rolled his eyes fondly, “Ok, it’s a deal.”

“You bought it while I was in Argentina, but I told you how I wanted it decorated. It was our compromise, since we couldn’t do it all together,” Tooru said.

“Ohh,” Tobio nodded. “That makes sense.” He was silent a moment and then, “I wish I could swim. I mean, I know I’m not supposed to get my stitches wet or whatever, but I think I’d like to be in the water.”

“We could sit out there and put our feet in,” Tooru suggested. “No harm in that.”

“Really?” Tobio turned around in his arms and grinned and Tooru was reminded of the smile he got when he told Tobio they could live in Japan after they retired. Bright and happy and full of wonder.

“Really, come on. Let’s go,” Tooru tugged Tobio out the door, smiling softly at Tobio’s happy expression. I’ll do whatever I have to, to keep that look on his face, Tooru vowed.

Chapter Text

Despite his initial claims of wanting visitors every day to answer his questions, Tobio decided that he much preferred being home alone with Tooru. They looked through pictures, talked about high school days, topics that were safe in Tooru’s mind. Tobio still said he didn’t remember anything, and Tooru was genuinely starting to wonder if he ever really would. Of course, it had only been a few days, but still… the complete lack of progress wasn’t encouraging.

By the weekend Tobio had decided he was ready for guests, and it was decided that Miwa would stop over with her brother-in-law, Tsukishima Kei, to see if that would spark any memories. Tooru let them in while Tobio was laying on the couch watching volleyball, now that he was cleared to watch tv. When they walked in the room, Miwa’s eyes lit up, but Tsukishima’s narrowed.

“Hey, Tobio,” he called out, catching Tobio’s attention. He sat up and looked at the blond, “Hey…Kei? Right?”

“You remember me?” he asked with a smirk on his face. Tooru could tell he was clearly baiting Tobio, and he was curious to see how his husband would respond.

“I remember Miwa’s brother-in-law is named Kei,” he corrected.

Kei bowed his head in acknowledgement and sat down on the other side of the couch, “That I am. We went to high school together.”

“That’s what Tooru said,” Tobio said sitting up. “Hey Miwa,” he said to his sister.

“Tobio…you’re looking better,” she eyed him critically. “Your color is better. And you look well rested.”

Tobio had a small smile on his face, like he was amused by her assessment. “Yeah, I feel ok. Tooru’s taking good care of me.”

“Is he now?” Kei raised an eyebrow.

Tobio turned back to him, “Do you always talk in riddles or is my brain more damaged than I thought?”

Kei burst into laughter. “You’re definitely still Tobio,” he grinned. “Yeah, I’m kind of an asshole. It’s refreshing that you don’t remember…but I guess I can’t really hide it. So, what can I tell you that might jog your memory?”

Tooru and Miwa went into the into the kitchen to grab drinks for everyone and plates to set the onigiri on that Miwa and Kei had brought with them while Kei started answering Tobio’s questions about how they met and became friends.

“He’s doing ok?” Miwa asked quietly, leaning against the counter while Tooru pulled plates from a cupboard.

“He is,” Tooru confirmed. “He still tires easily, but that makes sense, you know? His headaches are gone. His ribs still hurt but he’s actually taking his pain meds so it’s not so bad.”

“Really?” Miwa’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.

“Yeah, he’s a lot more agreeable now,” Tooru joked, setting the plates down and moving to the fridge for bottles of water. “He takes less than prescribed, but he will take them if he’s hurting.”

“Good,” Miwa murmured. “Hey,” she put a hand on his arm. “How are you doing?”

“Me?” Tooru asked in surprise. “I’m fine.”

“Tooru,” she sighed.

“What?”

“Your husband nearly died in a car accident. You’re not fine,” she said gently.

“I…” he sighed. “I’m ok, really. Now that he’s doing better and I know he’s going to live, it’s ok. I worry about what’s going to happen, I guess. Will he get his memory back or not? Will he be able to play volleyball or not? But that’s all…I don’t have those answers, I can’t worry about it yet. I’m more concerned with making sure he’s ok right now. So, I’m focusing on that.”

“Have you heard about the driver of the other car?” Miwa asked. “Is he being charged?”

“I…” Tooru was stumped. It seemed dumb, but he hadn’t thought about the other driver at all. “I haven’t heard from the cops, I haven’t even thought about it since that first night. I can text Daichi to see if he knows anything.” Miwa nodded.

They went back into the living room, setting out plates and opening up the takeout bag from Onigiri Miya. “Miya…” Tobio said thoughtfully. “Is this Atsumu’s place?” he asked hesitantly.

“Osamu, his twin,” Kei said, automatically putting Tobio’s favorite flavor on his plate.

“I used to date Atsumu,” Tobio told him, reaching for the plate.

“Uh…yeah? I know?” Kei gave him a confused smile and looked at Tooru who let out a noisy sigh of annoyance.

“I’m just saying,” Tobio shrugged.

“Yes, I know you are,” Tooru muttered. He genuinely didn’t think Tobio meant anything by it, but did he have to keep bringing it up? Was he planning to set Kei up with him also?

Tobio nodded absently and picked up the food. He hummed after taking a bite, “This is really good!”

“It is,” Tooru agreed, choosing to ignore the looks Kei kept throwing his way.

They fell into conversation after that, Miwa being able to read the room deftly took control of things and started talking about her husband, Akiteru, and their two kids. She promised to bring them by when Tobio was feeling a little stronger; her kids were younger and youngest in particular was a bit spirited. They knew that Hinata was planning to stop by for dinner that evening, so they didn’t stay too much longer. After saying their goodbyes and Miwa promising to stop by again during the week, Tooru sat down on the couch with Tobio to rest for a minute, knowing Hinata’s visit would be very high energy.

“Tooru,” Tobio said softly. “Was I a good person?”

“Yes,” Tooru said, not hesitating for a minute. “Why? Did Kei say something?” he asked.

“No…not really just. I don’t know. Some stories I hear about myself makes me think that I was kind of a dick,” Tobio admitted.

“No,” Tooru shook his head. “You were…you had a lot going on as a kid. A lot to work through. It wasn’t your fault. Besides, pretty much every teenager is a dick at some point. Don’t worry about it.”

“Hmm,” Tobio responded. “If you say so.”

“I do,” Tooru said firmly, only feeling mildly guilty that Tobio believed him so readily. Not that he thought Tobio was a terrible person before, but because he knew he could probably tell him anything and he’d believe it…and he knew damn well Tobio did not want him in the house. But what else could he do? Tobio needed taken care of, and he was his husband, dammit. He wanted to be there; he should be there.

He managed to stay any further questions until Hinata showed up a few hours later, also bearing food. This time it was from Tobio’s favorite Italian restaurant, and they sat down at the dining room table to eat. Tooru brought out the plates and iced tea, knowing it was Tobio’s preferred drink with pasta, and set the table while the best friends caught up.

“Kenma wanted to come to, he’s my husband, but he had a stream scheduled. And it’s fine anyhow,” Hinata waved a hand in the air. “He’s shit at small talk, and he can’t answer most of your questions anyhow.”

“We aren’t friends?” Tobio asked in surprise, clearly curious that he wasn’t friends with his best friend’s husband.

“No, you are. You definitely are!  But you don’t spend a lot of time alone together or anything. So mostly you know each other through me. It’s ok, you’ll meet him eventually. Or you’ll just remember! I mean, it’s been like two weeks, right? Is anything coming back to you?” Hinata asked, taking a bite of his salad.

“It’s…no, not really,” Tobio shook his head. “Some things feel familiar and like…almost like when I hear it it’s like, oh yeah, I kinda remember that, but not really. I don’t know.”

“That’s ok,” Hinata said gently. “It’ll come back. You have a hard head so I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

Tobio frowned, “I feel like that’s an insult.”

Hinata cackled, “It’s not not an insult.”

“Huh?” Tobio squinted at him, causing a new peal of laughter.

“You’ll be fine,” Hinata assured him. “You’re still you. You haven’t forgotten who you are.”

Tobio nodded and began eating. Tooru tried to keep up small talk with Hinata but realized he was keeping him from eating and so he fell quiet. It wasn’t a tense silence by any means, but Tooru was still mildly uncomfortable. He had a feeling it had more to do with the fact that, out of all their friends, Hinata was likely the one person on Earth who knew the details of their dysfunctional relationship and could tell Tobio. He wasn’t sure that Hinata would share that information, but Hinata wasn’t known for his discretion. Not because he was a gossip or malicious, he just tended to lack a filter.

After dinner Tooru offered to clean up the meal so the best friends could settle back in the living room to talk. He couldn’t say he wasn’t concerned, but he also couldn’t hover. And besides, what was Hinata going to say hey, why is your estranged husband taking care of you? Tooru shook his head as he started rinsing dishes. Stay calm Tooru, it’ll be ok.

…

Tobio found himself staring at Hinata, trying to remember something, anything about the man in front of him. There was a familiarity though, it was something he only felt with a few people: Tooru, Miwa, Suga. And now Hinata. There was a softness, an affection that he felt for Hinata, and also that instinctive trust. He couldn’t explain it, but he knew that Hinata wouldn’t hurt him, wouldn’t lie to him. He felt safer letting his guard down.

“So, I heard we met and you knocked off the vice principal’s wig?” Tobio started, prompting a squawk of indignation from Hinata.

“First of all, it wasn’t all my fault! You were sending me these serves you knew I couldn’t handle!” Hinata got riled up immediately and Tobio couldn’t help smirking. Something about this exchange felt warm and familiar.

“Why, did you suck or something?” he taunted and Hinata rolled his eyes.

“You remember everything, don’t you?” he asked with narrowed eyes. “You just like Tooru taking care of you!”

Tobio laughed freely. “No sorry, I don’t really remember much,” he admitted. “Or anything really. It’s more like…I can remember feelings? Like, I just trust certain people or I just feel comfortable with certain people. But not with everyone and I don’t know…I can’t tell why. As far as I know I don’t have any real enemies?”

“No,” Hinata said thoughtfully. “But you are pretty picky about who you let into your life. You definitely have walls up with a lot of people. Doesn’t mean you aren’t friends, but you aren’t close to a lot of people.”

“Who am I close to?” Tobio asked, curious.

“Me,” Hinata said immediately. “Tooru, obviously. Umm, Suga? Miwa? I would say also probably Ushijima and Iwaizumi.”

Tobio considered that. “Okaaaay. I know that Iwaizumi is Iwa-chan, right? Tooru’s best friend?”

Hinata burst out laughing, “I love hearing you call him Iwa-chan! But yeah, that’s right. And Ushijima is his boyfriend, but also you guys were on the same team together, the Adlers, right out of high school. You played together for them for a few years before you left for Italy and he left for Poland. And you still play together on the National Team, so there’s that. But you’re similar, kind of quiet and reserved. You just clicked, I think.”

“And Iwa-chan? I know him through Tooru?” Tobio asked, trying to put the pieces together.

“Kind of, not really. He was your senpai in middle school, but I don’t think you were that close because…” Hinata hesitated and Tobio filled in the silence.

“I already know that Tooru was an asshole to me. He told me about middle and high school, how he was a bully and all that. So, Iwa-chan was his best friend and probably sided with him?” he asked.

“I don’t know if he sided with Tooru, but I don’t think it would have been easy for you two to be friends. He always was nice to you though, so I don’t think there was any bad blood or anything,” Hinata explained.

“Tooru told me I used to date Atsumu,” Tobio switched gears suddenly. “Can you tell me about that? I don’t remember anything, and I don’t really feel anything around him. But we’re still friends?”

“You are, yeah,” Hinata nodded. “You met in high school…” he launched into what he knew about the relationship, providing a lot of information that Tooru wouldn’t, or couldn’t, do. He was the first guy I was with, but I don’t remember any of it? I have no feelings about it? It was weird to him, but he didn’t know why and Hinata didn’t seem to be aware of any of it, so he didn’t probe. He was definitely figuring out that Tooru didn’t like talking about it anyway, so maybe he should just let it go.

“Is there anyone I should watch out for?” he asked bluntly after they finished talking about Atsumu and how he hadn’t dated anyone else over the years with Tooru having stolen his heart and attention so completely.

“I don’t think so,” Hinata frowned. “Maybe just…I don’t think anyone you know would try to hurt you or take advantage of your memory loss. But just make sure you know them? Like, don’t just trust random people who could be part of the media. They’ve really been harassing me, so they’ll probably come after you too, if they’re not already. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were, but Tooru was keeping them away.”

“Our relationship…it’s special?” Tobio asked. He knew he loved Tooru, there was no doubt about that. But he still couldn’t shake that Tooru was keeping something from him.

“Oh yeah! You guys are like…soulmates or whatever,” Hinata nodded. “You’ve had ups and downs…but…”

“Tell me what you know,” Tobio practically demanded.

“I think Tooru should do that,” Hinata said diplomatically.

“But he can’t tell me how I felt, like you said we had ups and downs. But why? You would probably know how I felt about the bad stuff, and he might not,” Tobio argued.

“Do you really want to know the bad stuff?” Hinata asked softly. “He’s not a bad person and he loves you. He wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt you so why not just ride the wave of goodness? Be happy. When your memory returns, you can worry about that stuff.”

Tobio studied Hinata while he considered that. On the one hand, he wanted information now. On the other hand, it probably wasn’t great to talk about his relationship with Tooru with someone else. He had no reason to doubt Tooru’s love, and he felt the happiest and safest with him. Why tarnish that before he had to? “Ok,” he grudgingly accepted Hinata’s answer. “Well, can you tell me stuff he doesn’t know at least? About high school or the National Team or whatever?”

“Oh sure!” Hinata nodded and pulled out his phone. “I’ve got pictures too!”

Tobio’s eyes widened in excitement. “Show me,” he demanded. Hinata grinned slyly and opened his picture app.

…

Later that evening as they laid in bed together, Tooru wrapped around his right side to try and avoid his injuries, Tobio thought back on Hinata’s words. Do you really want to know the bad stuff…He’s not a bad person and he loves you. He wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt you so why not just ride the wave of goodness? Be happy. When your memory returns, you can worry about that stuff.

He supposed it wasn’t bad advice, but still. He wanted to know what was going on, he wanted to know everything even if he couldn’t remember it. He knew something was off, he could tell by the way Tooru was hesitant, tense. Tobio knew he loved his husband, he knew it, felt it, even if he couldn’t remember him. He just wanted to know why.

Did Tooru do something to hurt Tobio, and he was afraid Tobio would remember and get mad again? Kick him out? Tobio couldn’t imagine Tooru not by his side, couldn’t imagine ever wanting him to leave. Or was it…had Tobio been the one to hurt Tooru? Was he only staying and caring for him out of obligation because they were still married? Had Tobio broken Tooru’s heart?

That would make sense too…if he was afraid of opening up again. But what could Tobio have done? He wracked his brain trying to figure it out because he only felt love and safety with Tooru…no anger, no fear. Although to be fair, he hadn’t felt badly with anyone he’d met so far. He felt more comfortable with some than others, but no one had evoked bad feelings. It was odd, now that he thought about it.

Regardless, he couldn’t get the idea out of his head that when his memory came back, Tooru may leave. And why was that? Was it Tooru’s hesitance? Was it Hinata’s words? Was he remembering something?

Suddenly Tobio was restless, on edge. He wanted to know things, wanted people to tell him. But then what if they did and it was awful? What if Tooru told him the truth and the truth was that he wanted to leave? That Tobio had hurt him so badly he couldn’t stand to be there anymore? Then what would he do?

He wasn’t worried about himself physically, he knew he could take care of himself, even if Tooru still hovered around him. No, he was worried about the Tooru-shaped hole that would be left behind. Even the thought of it started provoking a panic attack and Tobio needed to get up, needed water, air, something.

He started shifting around in the bed and Tooru woke up immediately and in a sleepy voice asked, “Tobio? What’s wrong? Are you in pain?”

“No, I’m ok, go back to sleep,” Tobio choked out, trying to regulate his breathing. There must have been something in his voice that gave him away because Tooru was instantly awake.

“What’s wrong? Panic attack?” he asked, studying Tobio.

“I don’t know…do I get those?” Tobio asked between rapid breaths.

“You do,” Tooru nodded. “I’m going to take your hands, ok? Hold my hands. It grounds you. Then you need to try and match my breathing. Look into my eyes. Just keep looking at me.”

Tobio nodded shakily and held Tooru’s hands tightly as he tried mimicking the breathing, in and out, in and out, in and out, holding his eyes, staring into the chocolate orbs, looking for…what? Reassurance? Pain? Mistrust? Love? Answers.

Slowly his breathing regulated, and he loosened his grip on Tooru’s hands but didn’t let go. When Tooru seemed to sense he was ok again he spoke, “Do you want to talk about it?”

He’s asking me if I want to…does that mean sometimes I don’t? Am I hiding things from him? Oh my God am I lying to him? Am I-

“Tobio, hey,” this time Tooru’s voice was firm. “Stop thinking, just look at me. It’s ok, you’re ok. Did you have a nightmare?”

“No,” Tobio shook his head. “I just…I think I’m overthinking things. I hate not knowing stuff. I hate…you’re not gonna leave me are you?”

Tooru flinched at the question. “I’ll stay with you as long as you want me,” Tooru said softly, holding up his left hand. “You’ve got me for life. If you want me.”

The phrasing struck Tobio as odd, but he let it pass. Instead, he took Tooru’s left hand and examined it, playing with his fingers, twisting the ring around it and then pulling it off. Tooru frowned but didn’t say anything, just watched as Tobio stared at the ring before looking down at Tooru’s hand. Where the ring had sat there was a slight indentation, Tobio guessed it was from the ring sitting there for so many months, but more than that, there was a very distinct tan line.

That was good, right? It meant Tooru wore his ring consistently, it meant he wanted the world to know they were married. They must be ok then, right?

Not giving back Tooru’s ring but pulling off his own Tobio looked down at his hand and frowned. Yes, the indentation was there but there wasn’t much of a difference in skin tone. Did he not wear his ring? Was he not happy in the marriage? My God, was I cheating on him? Was I-

“I live in the southern hemisphere,” Tooru said, smiling softly. “It was my summer during your winter; my tan is stronger than yours. It’s been your winter; not as much sun and your hands would’ve been covered when you’re outside anyhow.”

Tobio nodded and slid Tooru’s ring on his own finger. “Your ring fits me?” he said hesitantly. “We have the same ring and we…how do we tell them apart?”

Tooru chuckled and slid the ring off of Tobio’s finger and back onto his own. “Well, we rarely take them off to start with. Except during games and it’s not like we’ve played on the same team. But look inside your ring.”

Tobio frowned and turned on the beside light, just suddenly realizing they’d been sitting there talking in the dark, the only light was from the moon, illuminating them through the blinds they hadn’t fully shut. He looked on the inside of the ring and it simply said mi amor. Tobio looked up and Tooru slid his ring off and handed it to Tobio so he could read the inscription. Forever. He looked up with a questioning gaze.

“I told you our wedding was impromptu. When we went to buy the rings we bought what was available on hand and had it engraved. You insisted that our rings match,” Tooru chuckled. “I wanted something flashy with diamonds; you wanted those god-awful black rings. So, we compromised on these…I chose what was put on your ring and you chose mine.”

“Mi amor?” Tobio asked.

“It’s Spanish, it means my love. I’ve always called you something in Spanish…felt more special. More unique…you know? You liked it,” Tooru smiled again.

“Forever?” Tobio asked, wanting to know why he didn’t choose a pet name for Tooru in return. Did he have one for him? Was Tooru sad that he never heard it anymore?

“Yeah…you said you wanted us to last forever…this time,” Tooru responded softly. Tobio hummed in response, remembering that Tooru told him a while back that they’d been on and off for 7 years. That was a long time to be uncertain, so yeah, maybe Forever made sense after all.

Tobio took his ring and slid it back on his finger before replacing Tooru’s ring on his own.

“Are you feeling better? Think you can get back to sleep?” Tooru asked gently. Tobio considered it then nodded, and they settled back into bed. He found it easier to fade into sleep that time, but he couldn’t help the nagging feeling in the back of his mind. He said he always calls me something in Spanish…but he hasn’t since the accident. I don’t think I’ve heard him say anything in Spanish at all...

Chapter Text

Tobio watched Tooru the next day, trying to figure out what was going on between them. Because there was something. He could tell. Tooru was so loving and attentive but sometimes he seemed to just drift off, some topics made him visibly uncomfortable. He’d tried to talk to Hinata about it, but that didn’t go anywhere. He wasn’t sure who else he could talk to, who could he trust not to talk to Tooru and would also know the truth?

He was learning a lot about himself from other people, and he’d picked up that he was a pretty private guy. So, chances were good that outside of Hinata, no one knew what was really going on. He bet Iwaizumi knew, but if Tooru was mad at him then Iwaizumi probably was too. Or if he was the one mad at Tooru, then Iwaizumi would still be on Tooru’s side. Either way, he probably didn’t like Tobio a lot if he and Tooru were having problems.

Of course, that was a big if and he really had no idea. And also, if Iwaizumi hated him, why were they in the same car together? Truthfully the whole thing made Tobio’s head hurt. He just wanted answers. He wanted his memory back.

After breakfast Tooru was loading the dishwasher while Tobio leaned on the island and watched him. “Hey…last night you said that you call me things in Spanish because it feels more special?”

Tooru turned around, surprised, “Uh yeah?”

“You haven’t said anything in Spanish to me since I woke up,” Tobio said. “Why not?”

“Why not…” Tooru paused and frowned. “I haven’t?”

“No,” Tobio shook his head, his heart pounding. He wasn’t sure why exactly he was nervous; he just was.

“I don’t really know,” Tooru shrugged. “Maybe I didn’t want to confuse you with another language,” he snickered.

“Fuck you,” Tobio said in a lazy voice, prompting Tooru to full on laugh. “You can, you know,” Tobio continued. “If you want to.”

“Sure…mi amor,” Tooru winked at him and Tobio couldn’t help but blush. Wanting the turn the tables he continued his questioning.

“So…uh…is there anything I call you?” Tobio asked.

Tooru snickered, “Nothing specific, no.”

“Nothing?” Tobio asked skeptically.

Tooru rolled his eyes and stopped loading the dishwasher to turn and face him. He crossed his arms over his chest, “Ok yeah well…kinda. So…in the beginning you never did and it annoyed me. So, to be even more annoying you started calling me random things.”

“Like what?” Tobio laughed.

Tooru huffed, “Well…your nephew went through this whole Charlie Brown phase, so you so called me my sweet babboo for a while.”

“Ha!” Tobio laughed. “That’s hilarious! What else?”

Tooru pursed his lips, but Tobio could tell he was enjoying himself. “Fine, fine. Uh…your niece was into Disney princess movies and in one the princess called her suitor my handsome prince. So yeah, I got that one for a while. Oh! And then there was Covid when you were holed up in Italy practicing your English by watching American tv shows. After watching Friends I was Cutie McPretty for a while.”

“What else,” Tobio prodded, grinning. This was great, he was learning something about them, something fun and positive that showed how much they enjoyed each other. That meant their relationship had to be ok, right? No one who hated their significant other called them my sweet babboo.

“Ugh, ok fine. You called me McDreamy after watching Grey’s Anatomy,” Tooru huffed.

“Anything else?” he asked, and Tooru flushed.

“Nope, that’s it,” he said turning back to the dishwasher.

“Liar,” Tobio accused. “Come on, what else?”

“You wanna know so bad? Get your memory back,” Tooru sniped and Tobio let out a belly laugh.

“Fine, whatever. I’ll remember at some point, and I’ll say it at a very inconvenient time. Just wait,” he taunted his husband. “Did I ever reuse a name?”

Tooru hummed thoughtfully, “Sometimes, not really though. Not unless it was for a specific reason, like…if a Friends episode came on, you’d bust out Cutie McPretty. Something like that.”

“Hmm,” Tobio smiled and propped his chin in his hand, his elbow resting on the island. “You are very pretty you know.”

Tooru looked genuinely surprised, then pleased. “Thank you, Tobio. I think you are too.”

“Even with my lawnmower man haircut?” Tobio grinned and Tooru grinned back.

“Yep, even with that hideous haircut,” Tooru teased him.

The entire conversation was ridiculous, but Tobio didn’t care. In fact, he was glad for it; it seemed to be confirmation that things were really ok between them and he was overreacting. Nothing was wrong, Tooru wasn’t really hiding anything, and he was probably just really stressed over Tobio’s health. That was all.

…

Although Tobio had been feeling good after deciding things were fine with Tooru, it was only a few days later that he had his follow up doctors’ appointments and they had not gone well. Which was to say, Tobio hadn’t gotten the answers he’d wanted such as this is why you can’t remember anything, and this is how you can fix it. No, instead he was given a clean bill of health. When they got home from the appointments, Tobio stalked into the house perseverating on how his primary doctor and a neurologist had both proclaimed he was well on his way to being healthy again. There were no concerns about his physical health, he was cleared to shower, watch tv, and engage in light exercise, such as taking walks. No one could account for his memory, however, or explain when he would regain memories. Or if he would regain his memories.

Tooru followed behind cautiously; he knew Tobio wasn’t mad at him, just mad at the world, but it was bringing up ugly feelings in him. Anxiety at when that venom had been directed at him not that long ago, indignation and defensiveness wanting to rise up so that he could fight back even though it would be pointless and counterproductive.

He knew Tobio needed to get it out and right now Tooru was the one person he felt he really knew, the one person he felt the safest with. So, he needed to suck it up and take it but all of Tobio’s irritability was putting him on edge. He was trying to stay positive for his husband, trying to keep his own nerves in check, but Tobio suddenly acting…well…bitchy was testing his patience.

After Tobio slammed around the kitchen and then threw himself on the couch to pout Tooru suggested that he thought it would be good for him to take a jog to get back into the habit and to give Tobio some time to relax. When his husband readily agreed, Tooru couldn’t deny it hurt just a little, even if he’d suggested it, but he supposed he needed to prepare himself for the day when Tobio’s memories did return and he kicked Tooru out again.

After changing into shorts and a t-shirt, he grabbed his phone and left the house, intending to jog around their neighborhood. He’d planned to jog for an hour or so, but a couple blocks away he found that he was already exhausted and dropped down onto a bench in park. It wasn’t that he was so out of shape he couldn’t handle a short jog, no the problem was that he was mentally exhausted. It had been about three weeks since the accident and nothing had changed. Tobio still didn’t have his memory, and Tooru had no idea what he was supposed to do about it.

Realizing that he hadn’t spoken to his newly appointed emotional support friend in a while, Tooru texted Atsumu to see if he was available.

Tooru: Are you free?

Atsumu: Kind of. Did you want me to come over?

Tooru: No, could I come to you?

Atsumu responded with a thumbs up and an address. Tooru shrugged and requested an Uber; the address wasn’t that close, and Tooru didn’t have the time to spend walking there and back if he wanted to talk for more than three minutes. Yes, Tobio had been given a clean bill of health, but that didn’t mean he wanted to leave him alone for a significant period of time just yet.

When Tooru hopped out of the Uber 15 minutes later he was surprised and vaguely annoyed to find himself in front of an Onigiri Miya. Sure, he enjoyed the food as much as the next guy, but he was hoping for a more private location to talk. Sighing to himself, Tooru pushed open the glass front door to find Atsumu behind the cash register ringing up an order. When he finished he waved at Tooru and called back to the kitchen that he was taking a break. A young woman with a long blond braid came out and told him to take his time and he beckoned Tooru to follow him behind the counter.

They cut through the kitchen and Tooru saw there was a set of stairs that led to a rather spacious apartment above the restaurant. “Osamu’s place is nice,” Tooru observed.

“Yeah,” Atsumu said heading for the fridge. “It’s pretty comfortable and it beats getting my own place when I’m not around half the year. You want a drink? Water? Tea? Soda?”

“Water’s fine,” Tooru responded and Atsumu tossed a bottle to him before walking over and settling on the other end of the couch.

“So what’s going on?” Atsumu said, taking a drink out of his own bottle of water.

“We went to the doctor today. For a check up,” Tooru clarified. “Clean bill of health, physically he’s healing. Tobio’s doing great! Except for his fucking memory!” Tooru said bitterly. “Nothing. He doesn’t remember a goddamn thing. And the thing is, I don’t know if I want him to or not.”

He put his bottle of water down on and end table and rubbed his forehead with a shaky hand. “I’m walking this line of pretending like we’re ok, only sometimes I can’t, and I have to tell him some things. Like how we argued about me not bringing enough stuff back from Argentina. Or the other day he asked Shoyou what was wrong with me and Sho just told him to…not to worry about the bad stuff and enjoy the good stuff. And I only know because Sho told me, not Tobio. So, like…he’s noticing! I know he is.”

Tooru paused to take a breath and glance over at Atsumu to make sure he was still listening. Atsumu gave an encouraging nod, and he continued. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should just tell him or not…but not saying anything is making me crazy because I keep waiting for his memory to come back and for him to just kick me out and I don’t know what my future looks like. Because, if he’s kicking me out and we’re getting divorced, then obviously I’m going back to Argentina. But if he wants me to stay, if he never remembers, do I just stay? Do I tell him anything? I don’t know.”

He glanced over at Atsumu who was still sitting silently, waiting to see if Tooru was done venting. “Well,” he snapped. “Aren’t you going to say anything?”

Atsumu raised his eyebrows, “Ya want me to say something?”

“No,” Tooru huffed, flopping back on the couch. Atsumu just tilted his head as if to say, yeah, I know that. “It’s not just all that,” Tooru said quietly. “There’s more…and I do need your opinion on it.”

“Ok,” Atsumu put his water down and gave Tooru his attention.

“He keeps wanting to…he wants to be intimate,” Tooru said hesitantly.

“And you don’t want to…?” Atsumu asked gently.

“No, it’s not that. It’s just…he doesn’t remember me,” Tooru said helplessly. “He doesn’t…how can I have sex with someone who hates me and doesn’t even remember? It’s like…it’s no different than him being drunk or whatever.”

“So, he’s initiated?” Atsumu asked and Tooru nodded. “And what do you say?”

“Just that basically. That it feels wrong if he doesn’t remember. He said it’s fine, he knows what he wants but come on, Atsumu. He only wants me because he doesn’t remember all the shit we had going on,” Tooru rubbed his face miserably.

“Ya said before that he remembers how he feels about certain people right?” Atsumu asked thoughtfully. Tooru nodded and he continued, “So he remembers that he loves ya? Maybe that’s enough?”

Tooru scoffed, “You don’t believe that.”

Atsumu shrugged, “He believes it.”

“He does…but he doesn’t remember screaming at me to leave. He doesn’t remember telling me he wants a divorce. I can’t…it’s not right to just do it…even if I want to. And God, I fucking want to. It’s torture. Being so close to him, helping him in the shower, sleeping next to him, holding him. And I can’t take it any farther and I just…what do I do?” Tooru pleaded.

Atsumu took a deep breath and let out a sigh. “I don’t know…I guess…and this is just me thinking out loud, whatever you do I’m not gonna judge ya for it, ok?”

Tooru nodded and Atsumu continued. “I feel like…maybe you just tell him that you guys were having problems before the accident, nothing too specific, and you just don’t feel right about it until his memory is back because you have too much respect for him. I mean, it’s all true, just try not to give too many details.”

Tooru nodded; it was what he thought he should do, so hearing Atsumu say the same thing was reassuring. “I was thinking that I just…I’m afraid he’ll push for details. And God, he was in such a pissy mood today. Usually he’s ok, you know up and down a little but nothing major. Today though he was so bitchy and when I said I wanted to go for a jog he didn’t even care…and the thing is, he’s usually…”

“What?” Atsumu prompted when Tooru trailed off.

“He’s always wanting reassurance that I’m not going to leave him,” Tooru said softly. “So, when he was like, fine, go today it was like…it fell like a couple weeks ago when he couldn’t stand to look at me and those feelings just came back…” Tooru had to stop as tears threatened to fall. Not that it would be the first time that Atsumu would have seen him cry, but still.

“Tooru, I gotta be honest here,” Atsumu scooted closer on the couch and put an arm around him. “I’m worried about ya. I know Iwaizumi is too…and I know…I guess I’m technically Tobio’s friend and all but since the accident, since I’m your emotional support friend…I gotta tell ya. You’re ripping yourself apart here and it’s not good for ya. I don’t know what your marriage was like there at the end but ya need to take care of yourself.”

“I need to take care of Tobio,” Tooru wiped his cheeks.

“Ya can’t take care of him if you’re a basket case,” Atsumu said softly. “It’s breaking ya down to be in this position. Ya need…if you’re not gonna tell him the truth then ya need to take better care of yourself. He’s allowed to be on his own now, at least for some time, right? I need ya to get outta that house at least once a day. Go for a walk, a jog, drive up here and grab lunch, whatever. Ya need a break from 24/7 Tobio to remember who ya are.”

Tooru nodded, “Ok, I can do that. I’ll do that.”

Atsumu nodded back, “It’s a start. I’m holding ya to it. I’m gonna start texting ya everyday again.”

“Yeah you fell off,” Tooru gave him the side eye. “What are you doing working here anyhow? Shouldn’t you be at practice?”

“Practice?” Atsumu gave him an incredulous look. “Tooru, half our starting lineup is out for the season, including our captain, not to mention our trainer is out. We don’t even know if we’re having a season. We’re talking seriously of scrapping it and coming back next summer.”

“Wait-what?” Tooru gaped. “I don’t know anything that’s going on! Fuck!”

“Ya’ve been a little busy,” Atsumu chided gently. “But we haven’t decided anything, Coach is still talking it over with everyone on the team. I vote for scrapping the season. I can’t do all the setting and two of our hitters are gone. Who’s gonna pick up the slack? I mean, yeah we got backups, but our starting lineup is pretty stable. I gotta say, it’s a hell of a morale killer. It just doesn’t feel right, being out there when all four of them are down for the season.”

“I’m sorry,” Tooru whispered.

“It’s fine, it is what it is,” Atsumu shrugged. “It’s a season, it’s not the Olympics. It’s not…look, they could have all died. Volleyball just doesn’t seem as important in this moment, you know? I mean, for the guys who don’t know them as well I guess it’s an overreaction, but I’ve known them, played with them, since high school. I can’t…for me…it seems disrespectful walking back on the court when they can’t. I don’t know,” Atsumu ran a hand through his hair.

“I understand,” Tooru said softly. “The idea of playing volleyball right now seems ridiculous. All I wanted was for Tobio to live and he did. Going back to Argentina, if he wants me here-”

“Hey, don’t go making decisions like that now,” Atsumu frowned. “Ya don’t have to give up the rest of your career because ya gambled with God. You’re only 30, you got years left.”

“I just had rotator cuff surgery,” Tooru scoffed. “On my serving arm. Who knows how I’ll come back from it.”

“Just don’t make any decisions yet,” Atsumu repeated. “What are ya gonna do tonight?”

Tooru glanced at his phone for the time and sighed, “I’m gonna pick up some Italian food and go home and smile for my husband and try to make him happy.”

“Ok. Are ya gonna talk to him?” Atsumu asked.

Tooru shrugged, “Don’t know. If it feels right I guess.”

“Fair enough. If ya need me, call me. Whatever ya decide, I’ll support ya,” Atsumu pulled Tooru into a one armed side hug.

 “You’re pretty good at this, you know,” Tooru said after Atsumu let him go.

“What’s that?” Atsumu asked.

“Being an emotional support friend,” Oikawa clarified.

 “Oh that. Yeah, thanks. Years of practice getting pulled between ‘Samu and Sunarin’s bullshit,” Atsumu shook his head.

“Makes me wonder why you’re still single,” Tooru said casually, unlocking his phone to request an Uber for a ride home.

“Me?” Atsumu laughed. “I’m single for a bunch of reasons.”

“I doubt they’re good ones. Unless you want to be? Single that is,” Tooru clarified as he finished the request and pocketed his phone.

“I…” Atsumu trailed off looking a bit lost. “I wouldn’t mind someone, but that’s my sad story for another time.”

“I’ve got time,” Tooru offered but Atsumu shook his head.

“Nah, ya got enough going on right now. I’ll tell ya another time,” Atsumu laughed.

“And you’ll let me set you up?” Tooru asked, standing and stretching.

“Sure, Tooru. If it makes ya happy, you can set me up. Come on, let’s go downstairs and call ya a ride,” Atsumu chuckled.

Rather than call for a ride, Tooru decided to place the order for dinner on his phone and walk to the restaurant. It wasn’t that far from Onigiri Miya and he could call an Uber to take him home from there. He thought briefly about stopping by Iwaizumi’s place, but he’d had enough emotional introspection for the day. Instead, he just tried to enjoy being outside and hoped that no one recognized him. Sure, he was famous in the volleyball world, but in the general public he could often get away without being noticed, especially if he was alone.

He wondered what Tobio was doing at the moment…was he punching a hole in a wall? Calling Hinata? Miwa maybe? Did he even have his phone? The last time Tooru remembered seeing it, he’d plugged it in and left it on Tobio’s nightstand. It had been a couple days before, when he’d finally gotten around to emptying the hospital bag. Suddenly Tooru was uneasy; it was one thing to leave Tobio home alone, it was another to leave him without any way of getting in touch with anyone.

Stupid, he mentally smacked himself. How could I not realize that he wouldn’t be able to get a hold of me or anyone if there was an emergency? It’s not like he knows our neighbors. Grinding his teeth, Tooru stopped at bench to sit down and put the order in for the Italian food, then requested an Uber to meet him there. He took off at a brisk pace hoping the food would be ready quickly and that the Uber would show up on time so that he could get home to Tobio and make sure he was ok. If something happened while he was dawdling at an Italian restaurant he’d never forgive himself.  

Chapter Text

Tobio knew he was being bitchy. He knew he hurt Tooru’s feelings when he agreed it was a good idea for him to go on a solo jog. Not that them spending time apart wasn’t healthy, because of course it was, it was the way he agreed, how dismissive and irritated he was when he said that the jog would give them both space. He didn’t want space from Tooru, not really, he just wanted answers. And really, that wasn’t even true. He wanted his memory back. Because how else could he get answers to questions he didn’t even know to ask?

It was all so frustrating…why couldn’t he remember anything? Still? His body was healing, two different doctors agreed he was doing well. Better than expected even.  So why was his brain lagging behind? And what was it that Tooru wasn’t telling him? That no one was telling him?

He thought he’d gotten that all worked out the other day but once the warm feelings of that moment faded, when he tried to get closer that night in bed and Tooru still wouldn’t do anything, Tobio was back to where he started. Hinata’s voice was on a loop in his head, telling him to just enjoy the good times. But why? Would the good times go away when his memory returned? It was so maddening!

Tobio felt twitchy and frustrated. He needed someone to talk to, someone who wasn’t going to be sensitive to his feelings, someone who would give it to him straight. Maybe a therapist? But would that even be helpful, because the therapist wouldn’t know his history and he certainly couldn’t tell them anything.

He prowled the house looking at pictures, picking up odds and ends, looking for something to prompt his memory when he suddenly got an idea. And when it occurred to him he felt like an idiot, because duh.

His phone.

He’d stayed off it for the last couple weeks because he wasn’t supposed to be looking at screens much and besides, Tooru handled all of the communication with people. It’s not like he knew who any of the names in his phone belonged to anyhow. But the thought finally occurred to him that there was more information on his phone than just a contact list.

There were texts. Even if he didn’t know who they were necessarily with, he could get information from the conversations.

There were emails. Again, even if he didn’t know who he was emailing, he could see what was said. Maybe there were bills, contracts, flyers, hell, even advertisements that could give him a clue as to who he was and what was important to him.

So now, where the hell was his phone? He knew he had it somewhere, it wasn’t destroyed or lost in the crash. There was no guarantee it would be charged, but he knew it existed. He went back up to his bedroom and found it easily, sitting innocently on his nightstand, plugged into the charger, waiting for him to open it up and use it.

He picked the phone up and powered it on. It was fully charged, so he unplugged it and sat down on his bed, settling in for a little investigating. Tooru hadn’t been gone long, so Tobio figured he had a good hour or two to look through the device without being caught. He wasn’t sure why he felt like he had to be sneaky but for some reason he didn’t want Tooru finding out he was searching for more information.

Once the phone went through the start up process, Tobio found he had to unlock it. Almost on instinct, he pressed his thumb to the side of the phone and when it asked for pin/password his thumb flew over the little dots on the screen in a pattern and the phone opened. His mouth fell open; he had no idea that he knew the code, it was muscle memory that carried him through.

It’s the least I deserve, he grumbled to himself as the phone came alive in his hand. He was about to open the texting app when alerts and notifications suddenly flooded his phone. Over 100 missed calls and texts, so many voicemails his mailbox was full.

Grimacing, he cautiously opened his texts and scrolled through the names. Tooru, Shoyou, Miwa, Ushijima, Hibarida, National Team, First Years…Then some names that meant nothing to him, or that he’d heard but didn’t register, and a few random numbers thrown in here or there…he wondered if some of them may be media of some sort looking for a story.

Not wanting to take the time to go through all that he opened his email instead; there were over 1000 unread messages. Guess I’m not an email guy, he thought wryly. He scrolled up and down, looking for anything that seemed interesting, and one subject caught his eye, Divorce inquiry. Tobio’s heart stopped. Divorce?? He quickly looked at the sender, it was Kimura Tamiko, Attorney.

Tobio frowned and thought about it…he didn’t know that name. No one had mentioned that name and no one had mentioned that he had an attorney. Had he hired her? Why did he need a divorce attorney? Was he trying to divorce Tooru? Why? Tobio squeezed his eyes shut and pictured Tooru’s face, the kind smile, the loving eyes, the expressions of concern. He thought about the careful warm embraces, the gentle touches, the constant affection.

Why would he possibly want to divorce someone he loved so much? Because if he knew nothing else he knew that he was deeply in love with Tooru. He felt that in his bones. The same way he felt affection for Miwa and Hinata, he instinctively knew those were his people. It was that way with Tooru, only more so. There was no way he wanted to leave Tooru. No way.

But if not that, then what? It wasn’t like divorce was a broad term. If you contact a divorce attorney about divorce it means you want to end your marriage. There was nothing else, no other reason. Cautiously Tobio opened the email to see if there was any clarifying information. What he found was a fairly generic email, thanking him for stopping by to talk about his options and at the bottom there was a contract attached. If Tobio wanted to hire her he needed to sign the papers and return them and pay 737,000 yen to have her on retainer.

To move forward with a divorce he couldn’t imagine wanting.

It didn’t make sense; none of it made sense. But what else was there? If he didn’t want to divorce Tooru then why would he need a divorce attorney?

Unless…Tooru wanted to divorce him? Tobio pondered that for a moment and came to a sickening realization that Tooru wanting to leave him made more sense. After all, how many times had Tobio tried to initiate more intimacy and Tooru turned him down? He said it was because Tobio couldn’t remember him, but what if it was more than that? What if he was repulsed by the idea of sex with Tobio?

But no, that didn’t make sense either. Tooru was free with his affection, he never flinched or shied away from holding Tobio’s hand, putting an arm around him, or giving gentle kisses. And Tobio had showered with him many times at this point, he could tell Tooru was physically attracted to him, that much had been obvious whether or not he acted on it.

So, what was it? Tobio instinctively reached up to grab his hair but found nothing. Of course, his head had been shaved because of the surgery. I guess that’s what I did when I was frustrated then? Grabbed my hair? Guess it was pretty long then.

Instead, he rubbed his face as his head spun. He thought back to his conversation with Hinata. Do you really want to know the bad stuff? He’s not a bad person and he loves you. He wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt you so why not just ride the wave of goodness? Be happy. When your memory returns, you can worry about that stuff

So, there was something to worry about then, something he’d have to deal with eventually. Possibly an impending divorce? The idea was repugnant to him, he felt nauseous just thinking about it. No, he couldn’t lose Tooru. But what was he supposed to do when he didn’t even know what went wrong? Hinata had said Tooru wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt him, but what if it had been unintentional but still hurt Tobio too much to stay in the marriage?

But wait.

An idea began taking place in Tobio’s mind. If he didn’t remember anything, nothing would change, right? If he didn’t remember why they were considering divorce…maybe Tooru wouldn’t ever leave? Maybe they could just start over, pretend nothing had ever gone wrong.

Which was fine with Tobio, because he couldn’t remember anyhow. If Tooru had messed up, he couldn’t remember and truthfully didn’t want to. If he’d messed up, maybe Tooru would be willing to forgive and forget? After all, he was still there, still taking care of Tobio even though physically he could do everything on his own at this point. Slowly maybe, but he was still competent enough to be independent if he wanted to be.

Another idea started to form as well…what if it wasn’t that he couldn’t remember so much as he didn’t want to? Could that be part of the problem? He didn’t know, Tobio was an athlete, not a psychologist. What he did know was that he wanted Tooru to stay with him and if that meant he didn’t remember anything, then that was fine by him.

Exhausted from the day, he decided to lay down for a nap, figuring he’d wake up whenever Tooru got back. He had no idea how long he’d been out when he felt Tooru’s gentle touch on his hand, squeezing. “Tobio, hey, it’s time to get up. I’ve got dinner if you’re hungry,” his husband said softly.

“Hmm, yeah,” Tobio let out a yawn and sat up slowly. “Ok, yeah, let’s eat. Thanks,” he mumbled. Tooru started to walk away when Tobio reached out for his hand again. “Hey, wait.”

Tooru paused and looked back at him, his expression cautious. Tobio’s heart squeezed in his chest, knowing it was probably because of how bitchy he’d been earlier. “I’m sorry,” he said softly. “About earlier. I was just frustrated with the doctors and not being able to remember anything, I wasn’t mad at you.”

Tooru’s expression softened, “Of course I understand, it’s ok.”

“No, it’s not ok,” Tobio shook his head. Yes, he knew a shitty attitude one afternoon wasn’t the end of days, but he also knew that there was something wrong in their relationship and he didn’t want to give Tooru any reason to give up on him. He had to be a better husband and maybe that would make Tooru stay. “I took it out on you, and it wasn’t your fault. You’ve been really good to me, you put your life on hold to take care of me, and I shouldn’t be a dick to you. I’m sorry.”

Tooru’s lips quirked up in a wry smile, “Tobio, mi amor, don’t you know? I didn’t put my life on hold you take care of you. You are my life. There’s nowhere else I’d want to be.”

“I love you,” Tobio said. It wasn’t something they’d said since those first days in the hospital. Tobio remembered saying that he felt like he loved Tooru even if he couldn’t remember him, but since then they’d both shied away from saying it. Why though? He knew how he felt, and it was important to him that Tooru knew it too.

“I love you too,” Tooru said softly, almost hesitantly.

“Ok,” Tobio nodded and stood up. “I can’t imagine my life without you so…please don’t go.”

Tooru blinked and squeezed his hand again, “I told you before, I’ll be here as long as you want me. I’m not going anywhere.”

So, it’s me then. I’m the one who wants out. But why? Why would I want to leave him? I don’t feel anything bad around him, I just love him. I feel it. So, what the fuck am I missing??

…

Tooru was sitting in the backyard that evening, staring at the moonlight reflecting in their pool, trying to figure his life out. Tobio was inside the house talking to Miwa on the phone and Tooru had decided to give them some space. He also wanted some time on his own to think; he’d been ignoring calls from his coach and his agent, both wanting to know if he was still keeping up with his physical therapy (he was not) and if he was planning to stay in Japan to care for Tobio (he had no idea).

His shoulder was getting stiff; he could feel it. He needed to be doing his physical therapy. The surgery had fixed it for the moment; he’d been lucky to get away with an open tendon repair rather than a shoulder replacement. If the injury had hit earlier in the season he knew himself well enough that he would have tried to battle through the pain rather than cut the season short and the results would have been disastrous.

Would he never learn these things?

It was his knee in high school, injured after relentless training for no reason other than his stupid ego. He probably would have blown it out back then if not for Iwaizumi. Once he was in Argentina the team doctor and trainers kept a close eye on him and made sure he exercised and rested properly to avoid future issues, which he managed to do with the help of a knee brace that he still wore.

The shoulder injury had caught him by surprise. Not that a shoulder injury was unheard of for a volleyball player, because of course it wasn’t, it was just that Tooru had never had any problems with his shoulder, so he wasn’t expecting it. When he started experiencing the dull ache he thought it was merely strained; after all he’d been working out his marriage-related tensions with extra practice. A little ice, a little ibuprofen and he thought he’d be fine. Then the stiffness began, but he assumed he slept on his arm weird, maybe overcompensating due to the ache. When he had trouble lifting his arm he knew he was in trouble.

The head trainer had first interrogated than exploded on him about being irresponsible and reckless. And what could Tooru say, the man had been right. He’d been working out his emotional pain physically and he was now paying the price. So, he had the stupid surgery and he wore the stupid sling and agreed to the stupid physical therapy. He’d been given the exercises to do in Argentina and allowed to fly back to Japan as long as he agreed to be under Iwaizumi’s care.

And he had been. And it had been going fine until the accident. He had totally fallen off his routine, and it wasn’t like Iwaizumi could call him out, he had other things on his mind. And it wasn’t like Tobio could call him out, he couldn’t remember a damn thing. So left to his own devices, Tooru avoided the issue altogether, like he usually did when dealing with something he didn’t want to deal with.

Again, would he never learn?

The sound of his phone chirping broke the silence of the evening, and he decided to finally answer the call.

“Hey Coach,” Tooru said, keeping his voice light, looking up at the night sky.

“Tooru,” Coach Blanco responded. “I was expecting to hear from you sooner. How’s Tobio?”

“He’s doing ok,” Tooru winced. He felt bad; hell, he should feel bad. Coach Blanco had given him his shot at professional volleyball and believed in him when no one in Japan had seen his worth. He deserved better than to be ghosted. “Physically he’s fine. He’s got some memory loss but we’re handling it.”

“I only know what I saw on the internet,” Blanco said reproachfully. “I’m glad to know he’s healing.”

“He is…I’m sorry,” Tooru said softly, closing his eyes. “It’s just been so hectic and honestly so awful. That first week we didn’t know-”

“Hey, hey,” Blanco’s voice softened. “It’s ok. I understand you had a lot going on with your husband and your best friend in the same accident. How is Iwaizumi by the way?”

“Doing good, his injuries weren’t quite as bad,” Tooru said. “He should be back to work by the V League season.”

“Good. And Tobio?” Blanco asked.

“Ah…probably out for the season. With his head injury…” Tooru trailed off.

“No, you don’t want to take any chances,” Blanco agreed. “Speaking of which…I’m sure it’s been difficult, but have you kept up with your physical therapy?”

Tooru chewed on his bottom lip trying to come up with an answer when he heard his coach sigh.

“Tooru, I know it’s been difficult-” he started when Tooru interrupted.

“It really has been,” he said sharply. “I thought Tobio was going to die. And Iwaizumi has more important things than my shoulder. I will get back into it, I promise I will. Tobio’s doing much better and just got a clean bill of health, physically at least. I can get hooked up with another trainer or physical therapist. Now that Hajime is healing, I’m sure he can supervise me again or recommend someone.”

“Oh, Tooru,” Blanco sighed. “We need you to be healthy. Are you returning for the next season?”

“I plan to,” Tooru said, artfully dodging the question.

“Ok, then we’ll plan on you remaining our starting setter. I need you to keep me updated, ok?” Blanco asked kindly.

“I’ll do better…I’m sorry,” Tooru winced.

“No more apologies. Just take care of yourself and keep me posted. I’ll talk to you later,” Blanco ended the call.

Tooru locked his phone and shoved it back in his pocket. He was glad Blanco wasn’t that mad at him, although he probably actually was that mad, he was just holding back because Tobio’s accident wasn’t that long ago. Farther into the summer he’d probably be more assertive.

Sighing, Tooru stood up and stretched, wincing at the tweak in his shoulder. It was nothing like the burn before the surgery, but it was enough to let him know that something wasn’t right. Ok fine, I’ll start the stretches again. I can just tell Tobio it’s part of our training routine and not let him know about the injury. No reason to stress him out. He was lucky Tobio hadn’t noticed the scar or if he had, he hadn’t mentioned it. Maybe he was just on overload and didn’t process what it was. That was the most likely scenario.

“Hey, who were you on the phone with?”

Tobio’s voice surprised him, Tooru hadn’t even heard the back door slide open and let out a little yelp. “Geez, Tobio, you scared the shit outta me!” he put his hand on his chest.

“Sorry,” Tobio shrugged, looking more pleased than sorry. “I wasn’t trying to be quiet.”

“Uh huh,” Tooru narrowed his eyes in faux offense. He still couldn’t help but to be surprised at Tobio’s playful side since the accident. Was this a hidden part of him that he never revealed, never let his walls down enough to show? If that was the case, it made Tooru sad that Tobio had never gotten that comfortable with him before now.

“So, who was it?” Tobio asked again and Tooru could sense and uneasiness, as if Tobio was afraid of the answer.

“My coach,” Tooru responded. “He wanted to know how you were doing.”

“Oh…that was nice of him to call I guess,” Tobio responded quietly, his playfulness suddenly gone.

“Yeah,” Tooru agreed. “It was. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Tobio replied quickly.

“Nuh-uh, something’s wrong. Come on, you can tell me,” Tooru frowned. “Please tell me.”

Tobio shifted in his seat and then let out a sigh, “I guess…you’re going back to Argentina, right?”

“Uh…eventually I guess,” Tooru nodded.

“I thought so,” Tobio gave him a tight smile. “I just don’t want to think about it. Like, what’s gonna happen in a couple months. What if I don’t get my memory back? I mean you have to work either way, you’re not just gonna quit to stay here with me forever. We need to pay bills and stuff.”

Tooru snorted and Tobio frowned at him. “Sorry, it’s just…” Tooru shook his head. “Tobio, we have more than enough money for both of us to retire tomorrow. Don’t worry about money, ok?”

“Really?” Tobio asked skeptically.

“I promise,” Tooru grinned. “Although we never got around to combining our bank accounts…anyhow,” he chuckled. “We have time to figure it all out. If you need me here I can stay here. Or you can come with me. We don’t have to worry for a couple months yet, so let’s not borrow trouble.”

“Do I speak Spanish?” Tobio asked doubtfully.

Tooru bit his lip, “Almost as well as you speak Italian.”

“Oh fuck you!” Tobio stuck out his tongue and Tooru laughed.

Chapter Text

Tobio was still on the fence about getting his memory back. He wanted answers and information, but he didn’t want anything to change. Since learning about himself hadn’t prompted any recall up to this point he figured it would be safe enough to dig around a little more. So, he decided it was time to ask Tooru if they could have Iwaizumi and Ushijima to come over for a visit. Part of Tobio found it very suspicious that they hadn’t been over yet, but then he reminded himself that Iwaizumi was hurt almost as badly as he was, so he needed just as much time to recover.

The couple came over the following afternoon, right after lunch bringing with them some cannoli that apparently Tobio was weak for. He didn’t remember that, but he did appreciate the gesture. Tooru put the dessert in the kitchen for them to enjoy later and they settled on the couch to talk, Iwaizumi and Ushijima on one side of the large sectional, Tooru and Tobio on the other.

Tobio had been on edge all morning waiting for their arrival and he wasn’t sure why at first. After thinking it over, he figured it must have been because if there was trouble between him and Tooru, and his own best friend knew about it, Tooru’s best friend probably knew about it too. That idea coupled with the fact that he hadn’t reached out to Tobio yet left him feeling unsettled. Maybe he was overreacting or maybe he was just having his first negative reaction to someone, he couldn’t really be sure.

Even after introductions, which went pleasantly enough, Tobio found he was still uncomfortable. Was that because it was how he felt around Iwaizumi or Ushijima in general or because he had underlying concerns about how Iwaizumi felt about him? He couldn’t tell but he wanted to carefully go fishing. He also wanted more information about the car accident and Hinata hadn’t been willing to talk about it.

“So, Tooru said that you wanted us to help fill in some blanks in your memory?” Iwaizumi asked.

“Yeah. But first…could you tell me what happened that day? I don’t remember the accident at all,” Tobio said. “The only person who does, besides you guys, is Shoyou and he doesn’t want to talk about it.”

Ushijima visibly paled and Iwaizumi grabbed his hand, lacing their fingers together. “Tobio, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for what happened,” Ushijima said quietly, averting his eyes. Tobio could feel Tooru stiffen next to him but ignored it for the moment.

“Why are you sorry? You didn’t cause the accident did you?” Tobio furrowed his brow, trying to recall what he knew about what had happened.

“No, I didn’t,” Ushijima acknowledged. “But even so.”

“Ok,” Tobio said slowly. “Well, why don’t you just tell me what happened first?”

Ushijima nodded but it was Iwaizumi who spoke up. “I’ll start, if that’s ok with you?” he asked. Tobio nodded and Iwaizumi continued. “Ok, well it was a regular practice day, and we were usually done by 3 pm or so. That day we stayed later to prep for a road trip, we were going to be gone for a couple weeks to play in Germany, Ukraine, and Russia. We also had to talk about some PR things that were going to happen on the trip. Anyhow, by the time the meeting ended it was around 6 or so and it had started raining. Well,” he corrected himself, “it had been rainy all day, but I mean it had started pouring.”

Iwaizumi paused to look over at Ushijima who was looking at the floor but nodded in agreement. Iwaizumi continued, “Usually you drive to the facility, but you didn’t that day because you were planning to go home with Hinata. He and Kenma live just outside the city also, but where they’re at, they are only like a 10 minute walk from the train station so you guys were just going to walk to his place. Wakatoshi and I were going to have a quick dinner, and he had some shopping to do in the evening, so he drove that day.”

“Typically, I wouldn’t drive to practice,” Ushijima spoke up. “I usually take the train; my apartment isn’t far. But since I had to go shopping, and I was going to a store that was outside of the city, I decided to drive. I offered you a ride. So, you wouldn’t have to walk in the rain or wait for an Uber, I thought it would be quicker.”

Tobio nodded, that made sense to him he guessed. It explained why they were all together although would have liked to know why he didn’t drive there and then to Hinata’s because he still would have had to go home at some point, right?

“When we pulled out of the parking garage…it was raining pretty hard,” Ushijima said haltingly. “I turned left out of the garage onto the side street it opens to. Then I turned right onto the main road. The light at…at the next intersection, the light was green. I know it was…I can see it.”

Tobio felt Tooru reach over and grab his hand and he glanced over to see his husband’s jaw clenched, his eyes unfocused. It only just dawned on him that this may be the first time he was hearing the details about the accident too. I’m such an asshole, I should have warned him I wanted to ask about this. It’s probably just as hard for him to hear as it is for Ushijima to talk about. He squeezed Tooru’s hand as he listened to Ushijima continue.

“I proceeded into the intersection and then I…I felt it more than anything, I don’t remember seeing anything, just this jolt, this…we were spinning and there was yelling, and I heard glass breaking-” Ushijima became choked up and had to stop.

“It’s ok, it’s fine,” Tobio said quickly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how hard it would be for you talk about. I should have. I-”

“No,” Iwaizumi shook his head. “It’s ok, you didn’t know. It’s just…we haven’t really talked about it since the accident. We’ve avoided news coverage about it, which isn’t easy, but I wasn’t supposed to be looking at screens, so that helped us avoid it.”

“Us too,” Tooru said after clearing his throat. “We haven’t…I haven’t paid attention at all. I haven’t really wanted to think about it,” he admitted. “I guess I thought the police would get in touch…do you guys know anything? What actually happened?”

Iwaizumi shook his head, “No I don’t. I’m sure Daichi knows. Or Kuroo? I could call him, I’m sure the JVA knows what’s going on.”

Tooru glanced at Tobio and nodded, “If you don’t mind, I think…it’s important for us to know.”

Iwaizumi nodded back and pulled his phone out tapping on it before putting it on speaker. A moment later Kuroo answered. “Hey Kuroo, it’s Iwaizumi. I’m here at Tooru and Tobio’s house with Wakatoshi and we’ve got you on speaker.”

“Oh, ok cool. Hey, how are you guys feeling?” Kuroo’s voice rang out in the family room.

“Hajime and I are doing ok,” Ushijima answered.

Tooru glanced at Tobio. “I’m, uh, I’m ok. I still don’t remember anyone but I’m doing ok physically I guess,” Tobio responded.

“Ok, well then I guess I should tell you that my name is Kuroo Tetsurou, we’ve known each other since high school,” Kuroo responded.

Tobio squeezed his eyes shut and tried to pull up what he knew about Kuroo from his memory. Kuroo...Kuroo…oh yeah. “Right, Sho is married to your best friend Kenma, right? And you live with Daichi, who was my first captain in high school, because you’re too afraid to ask him to marry you so you just asked him to move in instead?”

When he didn’t get an immediate response, Tobio blinked his eyes open and looked around the room. Ushijima and Iwaizumi appeared to be trying to hold back their laughter, but Tooru let out a snort.

“Seriously? Who the fuck told him to say that? I’d blame Tooru but he couldn’t know that. Iwaizumi? Was it you?” Kuroo demanded, causing Tooru to laugh out loud.

“Swear to God,” Iwaizumi giggled. “It wasn’t me. I haven’t even talked to Tobio til today!”

“It was Suga,” Tobio said, confused at the laughter. “He was telling me about the people I know and that’s what he said. That Kuroo-”

“Yeah, yeah, we heard you the first time,” Kuroo muttered.

“Sorry, was he just messing with me?” Tobio frowned.

Kuroo let out a heavy sigh, “I mean, he’s not wrong but damn, man. If Dai’s best friend knows, then what is he thinking?”

“Probably nothing,” Iwaizumi said. “Daichi’s oblivious and Suga likes stirring the pot. You’re fine,” he said soothingly while Kuroo grumbled in response.

“So, what did you guys need? Or you just called to roast me?” Kuroo asked.

“We actually have a reason,” Tooru said, growing serious. “What do you know about the driver that caused the accident? No one’s been contacted by Daichi or the police and we were wondering.”

“Oh, yeah,” Kuroo sighed again, this time more serious, his tone growing heavy. “We know what happened. It was a 53-year-old guy who had a heart attack. He was driving home from work, and the police think it hit when he got to the intersection and he either panicked and hit the gas instead of the brake or maybe he just jolted in pain and hit the gas on accident, not actually trying to go or stop. He just passed away at the hospital a week ago. The JVA put out a statement letting people know it was truly an accident and offering kind thoughts to his family.”

“Do you know…” Tobio said hesitantly. “Was he married? Does he have kids?”

“Uh yeah,” Kuroo said, sounding surprised. “He was married. He had two kids, both teenagers. Why do you ask?”

“I just…” Tobio trailed off thoughtfully. “I know it’s been really hard for Tooru, seeing me injured and everything. I think…it’s probably really hard for his family. Losing him and it’s probably all over the news and whatever. I just feel bad. I think…” He trailed off, his mind working faster than he could keep up.

“What is it Tobio?” Tooru asked.

“I just…I’d like to do something nice for them. They’re already going through hell and…I don’t remember some things, but I feel like the media is probably not being great to them, with him hitting Olympians and everything. Could we…could you get me their contact information? So, I could do something?”

“Probably, let me check on it,” Kuroo said. “I’m not sure that we have it, to be honest, but I’m sure Dai does. I’m not sure if he’d be allowed to give it out, but he could probably at least contact the family on your behalf.”

“Ok, thanks,” Tobio nodded. “Thanks for your help. Oh, and, uh, sorry about the whole, he’s too scared to propose stuff. I don’t remember proposing…or being proposed to…but I’m sure it’s probably scary.”

Kuroo snorted, “Yeah, thanks. I’ll talk to Daichi when he gets home tonight and I’ll let you guys know, ok?”

“Thanks Kuroo, see ya,” Iwaizumi ended the call. “That’s very thoughtful of you,” he said to Tobio, who shrugged.

“I guess. I just know it’s been really hard on Tooru and if I hadn’t made it…” he trailed off, his voice uncertain and looked at Tooru, who was fighting back tears.

“I can’t,” Tooru shook his head. “It would have been literal hell,” he said softly.

“I’m sorry,” Ushijima said again.

“Why are you sorry? It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s really, but if it was yours, it was mine just as much,” Tobio said.

“How?” Ushijima finally looked up at him, bewildered.

“It’s because of me that you went out of your way. If you weren’t driving me and Shoyou, would you still have gone that way?” Tobio asked.

“I…no. I would have turned right out of the garage instead of left,” Ushijima responded slowly.

“So, you only went that way because of me. So, if it’s your fault, it’s my fault too,” Tobio shrugged. “Don’t worry about it, ok? We’re fine. We’re all gonna be fine, right? I mean, you and Sho weren’t injured too bad, you can play in the fall, right?”

“Uh, yeah. Yes, as far as I know,” Ushijima sounded flustered.

“So, I’m the only question mark, then. I mean, Iwa-chan can still be a trainer, right?” Tobio asked innocently and took a small, petty satisfaction at how Iwaizumi’s eye twitched. He had no idea why he enjoyed poking at him, but he couldn’t stop himself. “What? That’s what Tooru calls you?”

“Yeah, only Tooru,” Iwaizumi narrowed his eyes at his best friend. “Because I haven’t been able to get him to stop in the last 25 years. You didn’t tell him that’s my actual name did you?” Tooru shook his head, a smirk on his face as he clearly enjoyed Iwaizumi’s annoyance.

“Sorry,” Tobio shrugged. “But anyhow, you’re ok, right?”

“Yeah, I’m ok. I’ll take the summer off, but I should be good in the fall,” Iwaizumi nodded.

“So, it’s just me. And I’m telling you it’s ok. I’m ok. Even if I don’t remember anything, I’m ok. So don’t feel guilty, alright?” Tobio said to Ushijima, who took a shaky breath.

“If you’re sure…?” he asked hesitantly.

“I am,” Tobio nodded firmly. And he was sure because even if he never got his memory back, he didn’t miss volleyball and he wanted to stay with Tooru. So, he’d consider it a win. He understood, based on what people told him, that he’d been obsessed with the sport, so he guessed it would be a loss for other people, but he couldn’t say he cared much about it at the moment. What he did care about was keeping Tooru in his life. And he if had to lose his memory to keep his husband, so be it.

“Thank you,” Ushijima said quietly. Iwaizumi shot Tobio a grateful smile and Tobio gave him a quick nod back. He didn’t think he’d said anything that earth shattering, but it seemed to be a big deal to Ushijima, so he felt like he needed to say it.

“You’re welcome,” Tobio said dutifully. “If it’s ok…would you mind telling me about our time on the Adlers? Shoyou told me some stuff about the National Team, but he doesn’t know about the Adlers.”

Ushijima nodded, “Of course. Let’s see…you were signed right out of high school, and I had already been on the team for two years…”

…

A few days after Iwaizumi and Ushijima had visited, Hinata stopped by again to spend time with Tobio while Tooru went grocery shopping and ran some other errands. Tobio couldn’t say he liked them spending time apart, but he really did enjoy hanging out with Hinata, so at least it was a good distraction.

“Kenma told me that you asked about the guy who hit us?” Hinata asked as they pretended to watch a college volleyball game.

“Yeah,” Tobio nodded, turning away from the screen. It didn’t hold his interest the way it did for Hinata. “I just wanted to know what happened and we ended up calling Kuroo. I feel back for that guy’s family just…seeing how hard it’s been for Tooru. And I didn’t die. If I did he’d be…I just…I don’t know. I want to do something to make their lives easier. He was coming home from work so they must be hurting for money with him gone, right? Maybe I could pay off their mortgage or something.”

“That’s pretty generous for a guy who hit you and maybe ended your career,” Hinata’s eyebrows shot up.

Tobio shrugged, “I guess. I don’t know. I have a lot of money, right? That’s what Tooru says anyway. It’s not like I’d miss it, probably. And I don’t remember my career, so it’s not like I miss that either.”

Hinata stared intensely at him, making Tobio uncomfortable. “What? Is it that weird? Am I dick in real life or something?”

“No,” Hinata said slowly. “You’re really not. You…I think it’s…maybe before you would have done it, but you just wouldn’t have said anything.”

“I’m not saying anything now!” Tobio exclaimed in exasperation. “You brought it up, dumbass!”

Hinata’s gaze shifted from intense, to surprised, to delighted. “You’ve still got some memories! I haven’t heard you call me dumbass in weeks! I kinda missed it,” he giggled.

Tobio rolled his eyes. “You said I wasn’t a dick, but I called you dumbass that much? And you liked it?” he grumbled.

“Yeah, it was kind of our thing,” Hinata grinned. “Your memories are still in there, they’re just hiding. You’re gonna be fine.”

Tobio shrugged noncommittally and they went back to watching the game. A few minutes later Hinata spoke up again, “So how are you feeling? Physically I mean. You said you’re healing good and that’s awesome! But like, are you in pain? Have you started exercising at all? Are you allowed?”

Tobio shrugged, “I’m ok I guess. I still have some pain meds, but I don’t really take them anymore. I haven’t tried exercising, mostly we just hang out. Tooru started jogging everyday, which is good for him I guess. I haven’t done anything though.”

Hinata shook his head, “And just like that you’re back to the man of mystery.”

Tobio sighed, irritated. “What the hell does that mean?”

“It means that the Tobio I’ve known for over a decade would have been harassing Tooru to let him start training again, even if it was too soon. You’d be pressing to do something. Still trying to go to practice, still watching games, whatever,” Hinata waved a hand in the air. “But you’re just so…chill.”

“Before I wasn’t?” he asked flatly.

“It’s…no you were, kinda. But it was different. You were more intense, but still mostly calm. Now you’re just…relaxed. It’s different. Not bad. Just…I mean…it’s just different. Anyhow, it’s probably good you’re not training yet…” Hinata continued rambling on, turning back to the tv.

Tobio turned back to the tv too, but he’d stopped listening to Hinata. So, Tooru fell in love with who I was and I used to be a guy who was fanatical about exercising. Does he miss it? Is it weird for him that I don’t exercise? Should I be more aggressive about it? Or at least act like it so he stays interested? It was definitely something to think about. It hadn’t bothered Tobio before, hearing people say he was different. But now thinking about how Tooru had fallen in love with the old Tobio made him wonder if he would stay in love with the new Tobio.

Of course, all of that would be moot if he got his memory back, right?

Chapter Text

Tooru decided to spend some time with Iwaizumi while Hinata was over with Tobio. If it was good for Tobio to spend time with his best friend, surely it would be good for Tooru as well. Not to mention that Tooru felt like a bad friend; after all, his best friend was in a horrific accident, and he’d barely spared a thought for him. He knew he was oversimplifying the situation, but still. He wanted to check on Iwaizumi and make sure he was really ok.

So, he went to his best friend’s apartment, with a bag of Onigiri Miya in hand because what was a day in Tooru’s life if he wasn’t bitching to Atsumu at some point, to check in on him. The onigiri was much appreciated if the smile on Iwaizumi’s face was anything to go by.

The men sat down on the Iwaizumi’s living room couch and Tooru asked how he was doing.

“I told you yesterday, I’m ok,” Iwaizumi said between bites. “You didn’t have to come over today just to check on me.”

“I did though. I should have a long time ago,” Tooru insisted. “You’re my best friend and I totally ghosted you when you needed someone-”

“And I had someone and you knew that. Which was why you were focused on your husband,” Iwaizumi emphasized. “Which was where you were supposed to be. I have Wakatoshi caring for me and we’ve been taking care of each other, I’m fine Tooru.”

“You don’t hate me?” Tooru asked hesitantly.

Iwaizumi scoffed, “You’re such an idiot. No, I don’t hate you. If anything, you should hate me.”

Tooru blinked, “I’m sorry…what?”

Iwaizumi put the food down on the kotatsu and gingerly turned to face Tooru directly. “I was never mad at you for not visiting; Tobio got the worst of it in the accident, and you had to make sure he was ok. I get it. It’s fine. It’s just…until yesterday, I didn’t really get how bad it was for you.”

“For me?” Tooru’s eyebrows shot up. “I wasn’t in the accident, I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not,” Iwaizumi said softly. “What Tobio said, about how that guy died and how hard it must be on his family and how it would have destroyed you…if it had been either him or me…it would have devastating for you. But especially him, it would have broken you in a way…I don’t know if you could have come back from it. Losing your spouse at any time has got to be excruciating, but so young and unexpected…and while you guys were separated. I don’t know if you would have ever forgiven yourself.”

Tooru took a shaky breath; he wanted to respond, but he couldn’t. Couldn’t speak because what Iwaizumi was saying was true; it would have broken him. He couldn’t think about it, hadn’t let himself think about it since Tobio had woken up.

“Those first nights in the hospital when you didn’t know if he was gonna make it and I was still going through the worst…you had no one. Except Atsumu? Which is a story I need to hear one day. But seriously, I know you and I know you probably sat there convinced every breath would be his last with no one to lean on, not really, and you had to be going through absolute hell waiting. And even now, with his whole memory issue. I can’t…” Iwaizumi shook his head. “I should have realized and I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine-” Tooru started when Iwaizumi cut him off harshly.

“Stop it with that I’m fine, it’s fine bullshit!” he snapped. “It’s not fine! You’re not fine! You look like shit! You’re stressed and exhausted and honestly your fucking lucky Tobio has no memory, or he could read the signs as clear as I can. Have you taken care of yourself at all in the last couple weeks?”

“I couldn’t leave him alone until he was cleared by the neurologist!” Tooru protested.

“You could have had Miwa or Hinata sit with him,” Iwaizumi challenged.

“He needs me, Iwa-chan,” Tooru said, almost desperately. “He clings to me, he’s so…do you know how many times he’s asked me if I’m going to leave him? Like he’s afraid that I’m going to get tired of taking care of him and leave? Do you know how long it’s been since he’s looked at me like that, with that love, with that…like he wants me? It’s been so long and I can’t…he could get his memory back at any minute and it could all be over. I can’t miss a second of it.”

“Tooru,” Iwaizumi sighed.

“I don’t want to hear it,” Tooru said firmly. “Tell me about life with Ushiwaka. You said you’re taking care of each other?”

Iwaizumi gave him a hard stare before shaking his head and letting the conversation go in a new direction. “Yeah. I mean physically he’s helped me. But he’s been struggling too. He’s…” Iwaizumi sighed. “Don’t repeat this ok?”

Tooru nodded; of course he would keep Iwaizumi’s secrets, even if it meant keeping Ushijima’s as well.

“He’s having nightmares. Bad ones about the accident. He wakes up almost every night in a panic…he tries not to wake me, but…” Iwaizumi bit his lip and grimaced. “I’ve begged him to talk to someone, but he says he’s fine, it’ll just take time. He’s got like, PTSD or some shit, but he says he doesn’t and that it’s normal and it’ll fade, but it kills me seeing him like that. And then he gets up in the morning like it’s fine. Like nothing happened. And the guilt is eating him alive.”

“It wasn’t his fault though,” Tooru frowned. “He does know that?”

“Talking to Tobio helped,” Iwaizumi said. “But even if he didn’t cause the accident, seeing him like that, bruised and shaved and with no memory…he still feels like he should have been able to prevent it. I don’t know…I get the impression that he was made to feel responsible for a lot growing up. Just from what Utsui said over the years and how he talks about his mom. I don’t think his childhood was great and I think he was expected to just shut up and deal with things and…it fucking sucks right now because he won’t deal with it.”

“I’m sorry Hajime,” Tooru said softly. “I had no idea. I…it makes sense. He’s the only one who remembers the accident? Does Shoyou? Tobio says he won’t talk about it, but I don’t know if it’s because he doesn’t want to or just doesn’t remember.”

“I haven’t asked him,” Iwaizumi said. “Toshi doesn’t want to talk about it, so I try to just let the subject lie. I guess I figure if I don’t remember it, it’s for a reason, you know?”

“I guess, yeah,” Tooru nodded.

“Hey,” Iwaizumi said suddenly. “What’s up with your shoulder?”

Tooru gave him a deer in the headlights look and Iwaizumi rolled his eyes, “Tooru, come on. Are you 15 again?”

“I’ve been a little busy, Iwa-chan,” Tooru said primly and Iwaizumi rolled his eyes again.

“Be careful,” Tooru cautioned. “Your eyes are gonna get stuck up in the back of your head and Ushiwaka’s gonna leave you for someone with no wrinkles and normal eyes,” he clucked.

Iwaizumi let out a laugh despite himself, “You’re ridiculous.”

Tooru grinned back at him and then gave a serious response, “I had the talk with Blanco, ok? I was actually going to bring up my physical therapy today. Are you able to supervise me or can you refer me to someone-”

“I’ll supervise you,” Iwaizumi said firmly, adding a muttered dumbass. “You need to start coming over three days a week. Then you can have Tobio-”

“Tobio doesn’t know about the surgery,” Tooru said quickly. At Iwaizumi’s disbelieving expression, Tooru hurried to continue, “He’s got enough to worry about with his own health, he doesn’t need to be worrying about me, ok? I’m-”

“I fucking swear to God if you say you’re fine,” Iwaizumi warned.

Tooru heaved a sigh, “I don’t know what else to say, alright? I have to be fine. I have to be strong for Tobio. And I’ve got Atsumu and he’s surprisingly good at being an emotional support friend. In fact, he’s been so good I think I’m gonna set him up with Suga.”

Iwaizumi blinked, “…I’m sorry?”

“What?” Tooru asked.

“Atsumu has been such a good friend you’re rewarding him with Suga?” Iwaizumi asked, squinting at him.

“Well, when you put it that way it sounds weird,” Tooru frowned.

“It sounds weird either way. Atsumu and Suga?” Iwaizumi grimaced. “That’s an odd choice.”

“Not really,” Tooru shrugged. “Atsumu only seems like a complete ass. He’s also caring and insightful and stable. Suga is all those things with a healthy dose of chaos mixed in; I think he could totally handle Atsumu and ground him at the same time. And hell, maybe Atsumu could be his sugar daddy, so he doesn’t have to work anymore.”

“I…have no words…” Iwaizumi looked stumped. “Am I being replaced?”

“Absolutely not,” Tooru pronounced. “He’s got a twin brother, I’d never be his bestest friend, I’d always be second.”

“We can’t have that,” Iwaizumi said wryly.

“We cannot,” Tooru agreed. “Besides, I can’t have a best friend who’s fucked my husband. I just can’t.”

Iwaizumi snorted, “How do you know I haven’t?”

“Hajime, I will skin you alive…” Tooru narrowed his eyes and Iwaizumi let out a belly laugh.

“I’m kidding Tooru, calm down! As far as I know it’s just you and Atsumu. Maybe you could just start a threesome?” he continued laughing.

“I’m leaving,” Tooru stood up and Iwaizumi waved at him to sit again.

“Come on, man. I haven’t laughed this much in weeks…fucking hurts too,” Iwaizumi took a couple breaths trying to calm himself.

“That pain? That’s the sting of karma,” Tooru hissed, causing Iwaizumi to start giggling again.

…

Now that he had some idea of what happened in the car accident, and full access to his phone, Tobio decided to get online and do some research. A quick google search of “Oikawa Tobio car accident” brought up dozens of results. He scrolled down to a news site and clicked on the link. The first thing he saw was what he assumed was the wreckage of Ushijima’s car and he gasped.

How had any of them walked away from that?

Well, technically two of them hadn’t…but still. It was grotesque, the metal smashed and bent, smoke appeared to be coming out of one of the cars. The car that hit them didn’t look any better. Tobio closed out of the article and put his phone down to rub his eyes. Be careful what you pull up, he reminded himself. Even if he couldn’t remember the accident he could still imagine how bad it had been.

He picked his phone back up and reopened the search. He jumped from article to article; some clearly were mainstream news that had no concern with sports; they were only reporting that Olympians were in an accident. Sports sites took more time with the story, posting background information on all of them, though nothing that Tobio didn’t already know or wasn’t interested in anyway, information on their previous seasons, etc. Nothing particularly interesting.

Kuroo hadn’t called back with information about the driver, but Tobio was willing to bet he could find it if he looked more closely at one of the news articles. He decided to let it go for the moment; if the man’s family didn’t want to hear from him he wasn’t going to push it.

He decided to veer away from the accident and google “Oikawa Tooru and Oikawa Tobio”. That got a few articles about the accident but also earlier articles about them as a couple. Tobio sat back on the couch and started clicking through them, enjoying the various pictures taken most likely by paparazzi or maybe fans that had already been shared online. I really did have nice hair, he mused. Oh well, it would grow back.

He came across an interview that Tooru did on an Argentinian tv show a few years back and while he couldn’t understand a word of it (seriously, he already knew Japanese, English and Italian, ok? How much was he supposed to know?) something new occurred to him. I never ask Tooru about himself; I’m always asking him about me. Which made sense, he knew that, but he also realized that while he knew nothing about himself, he also knew very little about Tooru.

Sure, he was learning every day, but he couldn’t imagine the things he’d lost. So, when Tooru got home that evening, over dinner, Tobio decided he was going to get to know his husband better. The more he knew, the more he could do to improve their marriage and keep Tooru happy, right?

They sat across from each other at the dining room table during dinner eating steak with chimichurri and mashed potatoes that Tooru had made for them when Tobio decided there was no time like the present to begin learning about his husband.

“Hey, can I ask you a question?” Tobio asked.

Tooru looked up from his steak with an amused smile, “Of course. What’s up?”

“What’s your favorite food? Besides milk bread?” Tobio tried to sound casual, but Tooru’s smile only grew.

“My favorite food? Why? You wanna take me out for dinner?” he teased.

Tobio rolled his eyes, “No! I mean…I wouldn’t mind but…no. I just want to know more stuff about you.”

“What?” Tooru’s eyebrows jumped. “But…”

“I’m always asking about myself because I can’t remember anything about anything, but I want to know about you too. I want to know what I used to know. I want to know…what’s your favorite food? What’s your favorite color? What kind of music do you like? Have you ever had a surgery? Do you have any allergies? Have you-”

“Ok, Tobio, slow down,” Tooru’s amused smile melted into concern. “I’ll tell you whatever want to know. My favorite food-we’re eating it right now. I love steak especially with chimichurri. Mashed potatoes are pretty common in Argentina made the way I did today, this isn’t typical in Japan. So, this meal is my favorite. Uh…my favorite color is blue. I like pop music, but you already know that,” he nudged Tobio’s foot under the table.

“I guess,” Tobio shrugged. “You listen to it a lot, but I wasn’t sure.”

“That’s ok,” Tooru smiled. “What else? Umm…I don’t have allergies. Well, I have seasonal allergies but that doesn’t really count, does it? Nothing serious.”

Tobio noticed that Tooru skipped over the surgery question and he wondered why. Did he forget that Tobio asked or was it a sore topic for him? Tobio wanted to know but decided not to press the issue since he didn’t know what he was getting into.

“What’s your family like? We talk about mine a lot, but we don’t talk about yours. Do you have any brothers or sisters?” Tobio asked, taking a bite of steak.

Tooru took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “My family, yeah,” he said slowly. “So, my parents still live in Sendai, Aoba Ward. My sister and her husband live in Sendai also. My nephew lives in Tokyo, his name is Takeru; he’s 20 and he’s at the university studying medicine. I’m not really close to anyone by Takeru. I get along with them ok, but they all work a lot and with me being in Argentina,” he shrugged. “But I’ve always been close to Takeru. He’d like to come by and see you sometime if that’s ok.”

“Yeah, of course,” Tobio nodded. “What about your friends? Besides Iwa-chan.”

Tooru bit his lip and Tobio was pretty sure he was trying not to laugh. “Besides Iwa-chan…I assume you mean in Japan? And besides Atsumu?” Tobio nodded and Tooru continued, “I keep in touch with my high school team through a group chat. But really close friends…Hanamaki and Matsukawa. I haven’t talked to them lately, I guess Iwa-chan has been keeping them up to date. It’s hard to stay friends with people halfway around the world,” he said softly.

“Yeah, I’m sure it is,” Tobioi responded. “What are you afraid of?”

“Besides my husband dying in a car accident?” Tooru asked sarcastically then winced. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Tobio shook his head, “No, it’s fine. The thing I’m most afraid of is losing you too.” At Tooru’s surprised expression Tobio continued, “I love you. I hated fighting with you the other day…and I know we didn’t really fight but I was mean, and I know I hurt your feelings and after you left I felt awful and I…I don’t want to ever feel like that again. I want to be a good husband to you, like you’ve been to me. So…I get it. Kind of.”

Tooru had a strange look on his face and Tobio couldn’t even begin to guess what he was thinking. “You are a good husband, Tobio. You were before the accident and you are still,” he said softly.

“I don’t feel like it,” Tobio said honestly. “Everything is all about me all the time…that’s not fair to you.”

“You were in a very serious accident! Everything should be about you!” Tooru exclaimed.

“At first, yeah,” Tobio agreed. “But we’re past that now. I’m healing…physically at least…things need to start going back to normal and that means I need to start being a better husband.”

Tooru sighed, “You are being a good husband, ok?”

Tobio studied him, looking for any signs that Tooru was lying, but didn’t see any. “Ok. If you say so,” he said hesitantly.

“I do,” Tooru nodded.

They ate quietly for a few minutes, Tobio relishing the taste of the creamy mashed potatoes. He said this isn’t common in Japan? We’re missing out, he mused, scraping up the last bit of potato and finishing his dinner. He helped Tooru clean up and they settled on the couch to watch tv, but Tobio wanted to talk a bit more first.

“How’s Iwa-chan doing?” Tobio asked snuggling into Tooru’s side.

“He’s doing ok. He still doesn’t really remember the accident,” Tooru said, readjusting so he could wrap his arms around Tobio.

“Hmm. Ushijima does though,” Tobio said thoughtfully.

“He does yeah…he’s been having a hard time with it, I guess. Iwa-chan asked me not to say anything, but you have husband privilege so I can tell you,” Tooru said and Tobio nodded for him to continue. “He’s been having really bad dreams about it, but he won’t talk about it. I think Iwa-chan’s worried but he’s not sure how to help. Ushijima won’t talk about it after he wakes up the next day.”

“Oh,” Tobio breathed out. “You know…it’s weird. He’s having nightmares and probably wishes he could forget and I can’t remember shit and just wish I could remember anything.”

“Yeah,” Tooru agreed. “I don’t think you want to remember everything though. At least not the accident. I…” he trailed off and Tobio pulled back to look up at him. “What?” he asked.

“Just…after the accident. That first night in the hospital…Ushijima looked like hell. I don’t remember him much because everything is such a blur and I was in and out of the waiting rooms, but I remember Shoyou. He had your…” Tooru paused and he closed his eyes. Tobio gave him time to gather his thoughts and he continued, “He had your blood on his shirt, and he was dirty and his hair was wild and I…just looking at him you could tell it was an awful accident. It-”

“Do you have nightmares too?” Tobio pulled away fully and sat up to look directly at Tooru. He’d never thought about that before, not exactly. He’d had the realization a while back that it would have been awful for Tooru if he’d died, but he hadn’t given much thought to what it was like for him day to day, not like that. Did he still think about the accident? Did he have nightmares?

“Sometimes,” Tooru admitted. “Not like, I don’t wake up screaming or anything, but I dream about it. About…” he sighed. “You don’t want to hear this do you?”

“I do,” Tobio insisted. “I want to support you too. And besides, it’s not like I remember any of it. Please tell me?” he pleaded.

Tooru narrowed his eyes and let out a breath. “Ok, then. I have dreams, sometimes, that I get to the hospital, and I can’t find you. Like, they said go to the fourth floor, but I can’t find it? Even if I hit the button in the elevator, it won’t stop on that floor. Something like that. Sometimes it’s just memories of what actually happened. Just reliving it over and over,” he rubbed his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Tobio whispered wondering if he should have made Tooru talk about it at all.

“No, it’s fine. It’s actually getting better. The first week we were home it was pretty bad, but it’s been a few days and I haven’t had any bad dreams at all so…I think the better you get the easier it gets for me,” Tooru gave him a shaky smile. “But what about you?”

“Me?” Tobio asked, surprised.

“Yes. Do you have any bad dreams? Even if they aren’t memories exactly,” Tooru shrugged.

“Not really…” Tobio frowned as he thought about it. “I think I might have had a bad dream or two, but I’ve never remembered them when I woke up. I don’t…when I try to think about it, it’s just blank. I think about what Ushijima said but…it’s…there’s nothing. It’s like someone telling me about a movie.”

“I think…that’s good. I think that’s probably good. Probably your mind doesn’t want you to know,” Tooru said decisively.

“Maybe,” Tobio shrugged.

Later that evening as they laid in bed together, Tooru having fallen asleep first that night, Tobio thought back on their conversation. Think Tobio. What can you remember? From any point in your life? You remember things, you remember how to eat and drink and how to shave your face and tie your shoes. Why can’t you remember anything else?

But that was just it, he didn’t actually remember how to do those things, he just knew how to do them, which was different, at least to him. He thought back on Ushijima’s description of the accident and tried to imagine himself getting into the car, the rain outside, anything to pique his memory before finally giving up.

Maybe it’s better this way, he decided. I don’t need to remember it all or anything. We can rebuild our lives starting from now. And we’ll be ok. And whatever Shoyou knows, I don’t need to know. I don’t care. We can start over, we’ll be fine. Everything will be fine.

Chapter Text

Tobio was sitting in the backseat of Ushijima’s BMW, admiring the leather seats and appreciating that he and Hinata wouldn’t have to race each other through the rain back to Hinata’s house. He’d been staying there the last couple nights, since Tooru left, because he couldn’t stand to be home alone. Wearily, he let his head lean against the glass of the rear passenger window as Ushijima pulled out of the garage and into traffic.

The rain was heavy; it was gray outside and a generally shitty day. He was glad he wasn’t the one driving, people didn’t slow down in rainy weather like they did in the snow and inevitably there were accidents. He hoped there wouldn’t be one that evening, he just wanted to get back to Hinata’s and have a warm dinner before cocooning in the spare bedroom for another evening. God bless Kenma for his large house and quiet nature.

Tobio wasn’t paying much attention as the car glided into the intersection until suddenly it was too late. Until headlights were bearing down on them much too quickly, until he watched in horror, unable to scream, as a car hurdled towards them, ultimately crashing into the very door he’d been leaning against.

Suddenly he remembered everything. The breaking glass, the sound of the door buckling next to him, the rain hitting his face as his body jerked across the backseat of the car almost bouncing off Hinata before whipping back towards the blue car that was inexplicably inside the BMW? The smell of burning rubber, the idle thought that he hoped the car wasn’t on fire because he was too tired to move…

With a jolt Tobio sat up in bed, gasping for air. He remembered. He remembered the accident. He remembered the fear and the pain.

And he remembered everything else too.

He remembered years of on again off again with Tooru. He remembered their impromptu wedding, their fierce love, the ache of coming home to Japan alone. The constant insecurity because of one night years earlier that he couldn’t seem to let go of. He remembered their final fight and the loneliness he felt that evening, the pain so intense he couldn’t sleep in their bed and instead moved to the couch before fleeing to Hinata’s. He remembered talking to a divorce lawyer. He remembered it all.

He also remembered the last two weeks. He remembered waking up to Tooru’s haggard face, he remembered Tooru never leaving his side unless it was absolutely necessary. He remembered trying to seduce him and Tooru gently turning him down and how he felt rejected at the time but now suddenly realized he did it out of respect. He remembered how much love he felt for Tooru, how he repeatedly asked Tooru to never leave him.

He remembered it all, in a split second. And a split second was all he had until Tooru shot up next to him. “Tobio? What’s wrong, baby? Are you ok? Are you in pain?”

Tobio was shaking, from the nightmare, yes, but mainly from not knowing what the hell to do. Yes, he remembered all the bad in their relationship and his reasons for wanting a divorce. But he also remembered consciously deciding he wanted Tooru back and his plan to feign ignorance and pretend his memory was still gone if it ever came back. He wasn’t ready to make a decision, he needed time.

“I’m ok,” he said, his voice trembling. “It was a nightmare. I think…I don’t know. I…I don’t remember.”

…

Tobio was officially in panic mode. For so long all he wanted was to remember, remember everything and now he did and he couldn’t stand it. Tooru fell back asleep relatively quickly once Tobio convinced him he was fine and just needed to be cuddled. He was grateful, so grateful that Tooru fell back asleep because it gave him time. Time to process the situation, time to assimilate the new memories with the old.

What was it that he wanted? A month ago, he was convinced he was headed for divorce; he didn’t see any other option. Their relationship was so unstable, it was hard to know where he stood at any given moment. When they first got together he thought that was it; that was his happy ending. But the distance was so much harder than he thought it would be. He was insecure at the best of times, which he knew was on him, not on Tooru.

And then the cheating. Did he overreact? After all, Tooru hadn’t had sex with him, but he had planned to, he was willing to. He let it go far enough that it broke Tobio’s heart. He couldn’t understand it, he had no feeling, no attraction to anyone but Tooru. Even at the worst of times, he never had any desire for any other man. To know that Tooru could have that desire, at least the willingness to explore it, even out of anger, made Tobio sick to his stomach. He had to end it; he needed the space to process and figure out what he wanted.

All his life, it had always been Tooru. Yeah, he dated other people, and he had feelings for other people, but nothing like what he felt with Tooru. He knew, he always knew, that Tooru was the one; the one he would love the most, the one he would never get over. Knowing that Tooru might not feel the same way was too much.

And so that was it; they broke up and moved on. Well, Tobio used the words moved on liberally. He functioned. He pushed his feelings down during the day and during the games and when he went home and was alone he cried. Sometimes crying so hard that he was physically ill and had to lay on the bathroom floor waiting for it to pass. The only people who saw him that low were Ushijima and Hinata. Ushijima because they generally shared a room when they were on the road and Hinata because they were best friends; Hinata saw him at his worst, celebrated him at his best.

When they got back together only a couple months later, Ushijima had been silent and Hinata had been annoyed, but they both supported him. When he needed to process his feelings he went to Suga, who was a great sounding board; he was more or less nonjudgemental and helped Tobio understand his conflicting emotions and figure out what he really felt.

Which was that he was irrevocably in love with Tooru. He could choose to be together or he could choose to stay apart, but the love wasn’t going anywhere.

So, he gave it another shot. And then Covid shut down the world. And even though they couldn’t be together, they spent so much time talking and getting closer emotionally he thought they could get through it. That they had gotten through the bullshit, and they could make it work.

And they did…for a while. But once again, the distance was horrible and his insecurities mounted. He became jealous, unreasonable. Tooru became belligerent, unyielding. They would have screaming fights and then make up, but each time they lost a little bit of them. At least that’s how Tobio felt. When they finally broke up again it almost felt like a relief. Yes, he loved Tooru, but he couldn’t be with him, he couldn’t handle it. So, he had to let him go.

Which worked, kind of, until he saw Tooru again the next summer at Worlds and that was it. He decided the pain of being with him hurt less than the pain of being without him. They talked, they negotiated, and when Tooru said he would come home to Japan when his career ended, that they could alternate summers in Argentina and Japan until then, Tobio was elated.

This was it; this time they could make it work. They were finally on the same page. And when they eloped, it was truly the happiest day of his life. Yes, Miwa gave him hell for not telling her ahead of time but that was fine. He was married and they were finally going to be able to make it work. Whatever else happened, they were finally in agreement, and they had a future.

Until he found out about Tooru’s injury and surgery. Until he found out that Tooru could have absolutely come back to Japan for the procedure and rehab and chose not to. Until he saw the resentment in his husband’s eyes and realized that while the pain of being with Tooru was tolerable for him, the pain for Tooru being with Tobio might not be.

That it was entirely possible that while Tobio couldn’t seem to live without Tooru, Tooru may be able to live without him. And that absolutely terrified him. So, he pushed, he knew he pushed too hard, for Tooru to make Japan a more permanent home now. And he knew he was being unreasonable, at least a little, he knew his temper was too quick. He couldn’t help it; he was desperate. He finally thought he had what he wanted, and it was all falling apart right in front of him. It was too much.

He snapped.

He decided that he was done playing games with Tooru and needed to finally be done. This time he would move on, find someone else, someone who loved him the way he deserved to be loved. He couldn’t do it anymore.

And then the accident. Was it a blessing or a curse?

Because now he understood when Hinata said it was funny he wasn’t pushing to train. For the last few weeks, he had no desire to but now with his memory back? He wanted to hit the gym immediately; release the anger and frustration he was feeling. It wasn’t fair, none of this was fair. He couldn’t play for a year? A year? In his prime?

But he couldn’t and he understood it. That was the curse, losing volleyball. What was he supposed to do for a full goddamn year while he healed? What if he lost something in the accident; what if his head injury made him unable to play as well? What if he couldn’t read the court as quickly? There was a lot to consider that was out of his control. It was terrifying.

The blessing though? Tooru was there. All the time. Caring for him, smiling at him, being soft with him. Now that he remembered everything, it was such a mind fuck. This was the Tooru he fell in love with; this was the Tooru he would navigate any distance for; the one who loved him, who put them first. If he told Tooru that he regained his memory, would he leave again?

That last argument was brutal. Absolutely hateful, for both of them really. Could they recover from that? If he had never regained his memory they would have never had to…but could he do that? Could he really play pretend forever? It wouldn’t just be with Tooru; it would be with everyone.

Tobio knew he wasn’t that good of an actor but maybe for a little while? Maybe just a little longer he could pretend, for a little longer he could hold on to Tooru before he had to let him go forever.

Because the thing was, even if Tobio changed his mind and decided to try again, what was going to change? Tooru didn’t want to come back to Japan and Tobio couldn’t fault him for that, not really. Tobio didn’t want to leave Japan. He enjoyed Argentina enough, he wouldn’t mind having a second home there, but he didn’t want to live there. He knew if he wasn’t a factor, Tooru would never consider leaving.

They were at a stalemate. They tried to compromise and it didn’t work. He was fucked either way.

…

“So, how’s it going?” Atsumu asked lazily as he and Tooru sat across from each other at a café that wasn’t Onigiri Miya for once. They were grabbing coffee and milk bread for Tooru, a donut for Atsumu.

“It’s ok,” Tooru said slowly. It had been a week since the doctors’ appointments that had Tobio in a snit, a week since he’d visited with Iwaizumi, and a week that saw Tobio acting weird.

“Ya don’t so sure about that?” Atsumu pressed. “Is Tobio ok?”

“He’s…physically yes. He’s healing, moving around better. He started pushing to train again, which it’s too soon, but you know Tobio…” he rolled his eyes fondly and Atsumu chuckled. “The thing is…he never used to care and suddenly he does. Suddenly, it’s a huge deal. And he…”

“Yeah?” Atsumu asked.

“He’s…it’s like he’s remembering things, but he’s not. He says he doesn’t remember anything, but suddenly he knows where a box of clothes I had sent over from Argentina was stored, in a closet in the spare room. When he got home he didn’t know where his bedroom was, now he remembers things like that. He remembers how to make his spaghetti sauce from scratch, but not our wedding day. He remembers things about friends that we’ve told him…but in more detail.”

“So that’s good, right? His memory is coming back. Spotty maybe, but still,” Atsumu shrugged. “What’s bothering ya about it?”

“Just…I don’t know. I guess I just…it’s not just that though. He’s acting differently. He’s…it’s hard to say. Why don’t you come over and visit him and see? You know him pretty well,” Tooru asked.

“Yeah sure, when do ya want me? We’re still on hiatus. They think we’re going back after the mid summer break in a couple weeks. Aran is taking over as temporary captain and we’re training up some second string guys. It won’t be the same, but we’ll get through it,” Atsumu said.

“Can you come over today? We can grab some cannoli, and you can visit. He’s all about visitors,” Tooru frowned. “Or actually, you know what? He used to be. At first he wanted people all the time to come over and talk to him, tell him about himself, his past, everything. Now…the last few days…not so much. He just wants to be with me. Which is great, don’t get me wrong, but fuck, ‘Tsumu, it’s so hard to hold back,” he groaned.

“Hmm,” Atsumu considered Tooru’s words. It was hard to tell what Tobio was thinking. Maybe it was all part of the head injury. Atsumu had had one concussion in high school and that was the extent of his knowledge of that type of thing. “Have ya asked his doctor?”

“No,” Tooru admitted. “Because nothing seems wrong. I’ve consulted Dr. Google and basically found out that head injuries are mysterious and that healing is not always linear.”

“That’s reassuring,” Atsumu chuckled. “But yeah, sure. Let’s get the boy some treats and head over.”

The visit went fine, and Tooru was incredibly frustrated because Tobio acted happy to see Atsumu. Not overly enthusiastic, but pleasantly surprised. They had a nice chat about high school and how they started dating, which seemed normal enough and Tooru could tell Atsumu wasn’t seeing what he was seeing. Probably because he hadn’t visited the first week or two. But Tobio was different.

For one thing, he didn’t press Atsumu for details. He asked general questions, the way someone would when making small talk, but he didn’t ask for more, didn’t dig, didn’t get frustrated when he couldn’t remember. It was so different from how he’d been and Tooru couldn’t figure it out.

Sure, he was less pushy with Miwa and Hinata because they’d already told him so much, so he was more relaxed when they visited. But it was a stark contrast from how he acted around Atsumu. Could it be because he was an ex and he was afraid that Tooru didn’t want to hear details? That was a possibility he supposed.

When the visit was winding down he offered to drive Atsumu home; they’d walked from the train station, but it wasn’t terribly close. Atsumu accepted the ride and, surprisingly, Tobio asked to go along. Tooru wasn’t thrilled, not because he didn’t want to spend time with Tobio, but because he wanted to debrief with Atsumu. It would have to wait, he supposed.

The ride was uneventful and when they returned home Tobio was quiet. Quieter than usual and that was saying something.

“You ok?” Tooru asked, lightly rubbing Tobio’s back as they walked into the living room. Tobio stopped abruptly and turned around, pulling Tooru into a hug.

“You don’t like him do you?” he asked, his face buried in Tooru’s neck.

“I don’t…what? What do you- Tobio come on, look at me,” Tooru gently pried Tobio off him so he could look in his eyes. “Are you asking if I have feelings for Atsumu? The answer is no. Not at all. You don’t remember this, but up until the accident, I actually didn’t like Atsumu at all. I was insanely jealous of your friendship with him because of your past relationship. We only started talking after the accident because he knew I needed a friend. Iwa-chan was hurt, you were hurt, we didn’t know if either of you were going to make it. He stepped in to help me through it because I was falling apart. I had no one to lean on. That’s all. I promise.”

Tobio stared unnervingly into his eyes and Tooru felt, just for a moment, like he was transported back in time, back to the days when Tobio didn’t trust him, when he overthought every interaction he had with almost every man in his life.

“Ok, Tooru,” Tobio nodded. “I trust you.”

Tooru studied him for a minute before responding, “Good. You have nothing to worry about. Don’t you know? Silly boy, you’ve always been the one for me. No one has ever compared to you.”

Tobio closed his eyes and took a shaky breath, “Are you sure? There’s no one else?”

Tooru frowned because where was this coming from? Yeah, Tobio could be clingy and yeah, he asked him a few times not to leave him. But something about this seemed more specific. “I’m positive. There is no one else. There never has been, not really. There’s been distractions, but there’s never been anyone who could match your importance in my life. Never.”

Tobio opened his eyes and stared into Tooru’s for a minute, seemingly searching for something before nodding. “Ok. I believe you,” he said, his voice serious. “I love you, Tooru. I really, really love you.”

Tooru furrowed his brow and smiled, “I love you too, Tobio.” He leaned forward and kissed him and Tobio returned the kiss eagerly, pulling Tooru into him and even that felt different. More familiar. He’s getting his memory back, Tooru realized, resigned. Little by little he’s remembering things and not even realizing. And what happens when he remembers everything? That’s it? What happens then? I can’t lose him, not after getting him back.

He pulled back and smiled, “Come on, Tobio. I told you…we can’t go further until you remember me. It would be like taking advantage.”

Tobio pouted, “I promise I won’t regret it. I know what I want. I’m a competent adult even if I don’t have a memory.”

“It’s not about being competent, it’s just-”

“We’re married,” Tobio interrupted him. “We’ve had sex before, right?”

“Prior consent is not current consent,” Tooru raised an eyebrow. Then he added in a lighter tone, “What if you get your memory back and remember that you secretly hate me? You’d regret it then.”

Tobio tilted his head, “That’s not going to happen. There’s no way I hate you.”

“You don’t know,” Tooru joked weakly. “Maybe-”

“Tooru,” he interrupted again. “I don’t hate you. I promise.”

Tooru was shaken because he sounded like the old Tobio, his expression…there was something in it. But then in the blink of an eye it evaporated.

“But if you want to wait, I’ll respect it. But you need to think about what happens if I never remember? We just never have sex again?” Tobio gave him a teasing smile that had Tooru off kilter because teasing-Tobio was rare. He’d only ever experienced that side of him during their happiest times, which were few and far between, or at least it felt like that at this point, and then since the accident.

“I…I’ll think about it. I just want…” Tooru trailed off, uncertain how to respond. I don’t want you to get your memories back and hate me even more.

“What? Tell me what you want?” Tobio pressed.

“I want your happiness,” Tooru said honestly. “Above anything else, I want you to be happy and content with the choices you make and the life you live. I don’t want to do anything that would damage that.”

Tobio pursed his lips and nodded, “I want that for you too. I want you to be happy too. Are you?”

“Am I happy?” Tooru asked, surprised.

“Yeah,” Tobio nodded. “I know the accident was hard on you and…whatever. But I mean besides that. Are you happy? With me?”

Tooru felt very unnerved, like he was having a conversation in a foreign language he barely understood. It seemed like Tobio was asking him something else, but he couldn’t quite grasp what was happening. “I’m happy,” he said softly. “Yeah the last few weeks have been awful but being with you, being able to focus on you and us and ignore the rest of the world? That’s been amazing. I just wish it wasn’t because you almost died.”

“Obviously,” Tobio gave him that teasing smirk and Tooru almost lost his mind again. What was going on?

“So, you’re happy and I’m happy,” Tooru responded, giving Tobio his own flirty smirk in response.

“Yeah,” Tobio said before pulling Tooru back into a hug. “Maybe we should both just quit volleyball and run away together.”

Tooru snorted, “Oh yeah? Where would we go?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know where we’ve been,” Tobio said matter-of-factly. “That’s up to you. But somewhere warm, with lots of sunshine. And a beach. With no people.”

Tooru chuckled, “Sounds amazing.” If only I could make that happen.

Chapter Text

After just over a week of playing pretend Tobio was starting to lose it. He couldn’t keep the charade up, when Atsumu came over he almost caved. The only thing that saved him was the fact that Atsumu hadn’t come over before and couldn’t tell the difference in how he was acting. By the looks Tooru kept giving him that afternoon he knew he was off somehow, but he wasn’t exactly sure how.

So, then he started actively avoiding having guests over. He told Tooru he needed the rest, but he wasn’t sure his husband was believing him, and he was starting to panic. He had no idea what he was doing or where he thought it would go, he only knew he wasn’t ready to let go of their new beginning.

He needed someone to talk to, someone who could help him figure it all out. In these types of situations, Suga was usually his go to person but would he keep Tobio’s secret? He wasn’t sure. Suga was always firmly in his corner, but that didn’t mean he’d lie about something so huge. Ushijima was always a good listener, but he was dating Tooru’s best friend. And now that he had his memory back, Tobio was very aware of how frosty things had become between him and Iwaizumi. Mental note, keep calling him Iwa-chan, it pisses him off.

He'd have to call Hinata. Outside of Tooru, no one in the world was closer to him than Hinata. He sent off a quick text asking when he would be free to meet and Hinata said he was free that afternoon while Kenma was in meetings and offered to come over. Tobio jumped on it, hoping that being able to tell his secret to someone would release at least some of the stress.

When Hinata arrived, Tooru was already off on his afternoon jog and they had the place to themselves, but Tobio was twitchy. He suggested bumping the volleyball in the backyard, but Hinata firmly shut that down.

“No way am I letting you do something physical and then you get hurt and Tooru tries to kick my ass for it, nuh uh,” he shook his head. “Wanna take a walk?”

“Sure,” Tobio agreed and they set off on foot, winding through Tobio’s neighborhood making small talk until he couldn’t handle it anymore. “Hey, you wanna get something to eat?”

“Sure,” Hinata shrugged. “You have a taste for anything?”

“Uh…ramen would be good. That place by the training facility?” Tobio suggested absently, running his hand over his head where his hair was just starting to grow back, distracted by thoughts of what he was going to say in about 15 minutes. He was so distracted that he missed the way Hinata’s eyes narrowed at him.

“You mean Watanabe’s?” Hinata asked casually as they turned around to head back to Tobio’s house where Hinata’s car was parked.

“Yeah, that’s good,” Tobio nodded, thinking it was small and private enough that they could talk without being overheard or probably even noticed.

“Sounds good,” Hinata kept his casual tone as they walked back to his car.

Once they were on the move, Tobio commented on Hinata’s car in an effort to keep up the appearance of his amnesia. “Nice car, is it new?” he asked.

Hinata gave him the side eye, “I’ve had it a while. You’ve always enjoyed it…it’s a little flashier than yours.” Hinata drove a red Corvette, which was more high profile than Tobio’s black Porsche Taycan.

“I’m surprised Kenma stills lets you drive a sports car…that he doesn’t have you in a tank since the accident,” Tobio commented, causing Hinata to squint at him when they pulled up to a stop light. Shaking his head, he responded, “Yeah” and let it go.

Once inside the restaurant the owners, an older couple who doted on the volleyball players who frequented their establishment, cooed over the men and showed them to a table in the back so they’d have privacy. They thanked the couple profusely and slid into a booth with menus in hand.

After they placed their orders Hinata slammed down his menu and leaned forward, “Why didn’t you tell me you got your memory back!”

“I…no!” Tobio responded back loudly. Then leaning forward himself hissed, “Why would you think that?”

“Why would I think that?” Hinata looked at him incredulously. “Suddenly you want to train when a week ago you didn’t care. You suggested coming here when you shouldn’t even remember it! And that comment in the car about Kenma. You’ve never mentioned him and now you’re just casually talking about him. And you’re just being weird in general. So, when did you get your memory back and why are you lying about it?”

Tobio scrunched his face up in annoyance before letting out a huge sigh. After all, he had asked Hinata to come out to talk about that very thing, he just hated being called out before he could confess. “Ok, yeah. I got my memory back.”

“Again,” Hinata said slowly. “When and why are you lying about it? And does Tooru know??”

“When…last week. No Tooru doesn’t know,” Tobio sighed again. “Why? Because I remember everything.”

“Yeah, see that doesn’t help,” Hinata said flatly. “You don’t want to tell anyone you remember anything because you remember everything?”

“Yes,” Tobio said decisively, sitting back while their food was delivered and they thanked the waitress. When she walked away he leaned in and spoke in a low voice. “The last couple weeks with Tooru have been amazing! It’s like…we got a second chance! With none of the anger or the resentment or anything bad. Just…us. Being together. And it was amazing and I remembered that feeling…and that I told him to leave. So, if I tell him I remember everything then he’s gonna leave and I’m gonna lose him again. Sho, I can’t lose him again. I can’t.”

“Tobio,” Hinata sighed.

“So as long as I don’t remember anything, we can stay together,” Tobio said weakly, sitting back in the booth. “Don’t you get it?”

“No, I understand,” Hinata said softly. “But how long can you keep this up? Especially around Oikawa Tooru? If I noticed in one afternoon he’s got to know something’s going on! You’re not that good of an actor.”

Tobio stuck his tongue out at Hinata, who rolled his eyes in response.

“It’s not as hard as you think. I just stay in the present and don’t talk about the past as much,” Tobio shrugged, taking a bite of his ramen.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Hinata said flatly, twisting noodles around his chopsticks. “That’s just as suspicious as saying the wrong thing! One day you want to know everything, the next day you don’t care? Come on, even you’re not that dumb.”

Tobio shifted uncomfortably, “Do you think he knows?”

“No, because if he did he would have said something to you. Or if not you, then he would have probably called me to ask what I thought, so you might be kinda safe for the moment. But seriously! How long do you think you can keep this up? You can’t do it forever!” Hinata protested.

“I know,” Tobio snapped defensively. “And the answer is I don’t know. I have no idea how long I can keep this up! I just know that I can’t lose him and…”

“Just tell him what you told me,” Hinata said. “That almost dying has changed your perspective and you want to try again.”

“What if it’s not enough? That last fight…” Tobio grimaced because it was bad. And he knew it. He knew he’d been awful and hateful, and he couldn’t blame Tooru for walking out again. He was kind of shocked how loving he was considering everything that had happened.

“And you think lying to him for however long is going to make him feel loved and cherished?” Hinata asked incredulously. “That’s dealbreaker shit.”

Tobio chewed on his bottom lip. “You think?” he asked uncertainly.

“Yes!” Hinata nearly exploded. He took a moment to close his eyes and take breath before continuing. “Tobio, I love you. You’re basically my brother, you know? And I watched your relationship…its ups and downs…and a month ago you were ready to call it quits. And I respect that, I do. But now you’re just changing back and…I mean…how long are you going to do this to yourself?” he asked gently.

“I…” Tobio trailed off, not sure how to answer.

“I need you to think about what you really want,” Hinata continued in a soft voice. “I’ll support you, whatever you do, I’ll be happy for you if it works out and I’ll help pick up the pieces if you break. Don’t worry about any of that. But I need you to think about how you’re hurting yourself and what you really want.”

Tobio squeezed his eyes shut and bowed his head. “I want Tooru,” he said. “I want what we used to be…what we could be again. What we are. Right now. I see now that we can do it because we are doing it.”

“You’re doing it in the middle of a lie though,” Hinata said. “This isn’t reality. That’s like saying it’s great when you’re on vacation. Of course it is-when life doesn’t get in the way it can be great! But that isn’t reality. You guys are gonna have to deal with what it’s really gonna look like to be together. How can you make it work? Do you want to put the work in?”

Tobio’s head snapped up, and he glared at Hinata, “What the fuck? You think I haven’t been working at it?”

Hinata sat back and crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m not trying to piss you off when I say this…but do you think you and Tooru are the only long-distance couple? Seriously? You think it’s not hard for me to be in Osaka and have Kenma in Tokyo half the year? You think it’s not a pain in the ass for him to move his streaming operation to Osaka during the season and then miss me when I’m on the road? Really?”

“I…” Tobio sat back, stunned. No, he’d never really considered that Hinata and Kenma could have problems, they always seemed so stable and in love. “No? You guys always have it together.”

“We…” Hinata closed his eyes and shook his head. Taking a deep breath, he looked at Tobio and continued, “We communicate. We trust each other. Sometimes we argue and we had to learn how to do that without burning the relationship down because when you’re hundreds of miles apart, you can’t afford to do the silent treatment and hope it works.”

Tobio nodded. He tried to digest Hinata’s words, but his best friend kept on talking, apparently gaining steam as he kept going.

“You and Tooru, you guys need to grow up. Both of you! It’s like you’re both stuck in high school. Middle school even! You wouldn’t act like this with anyone else. Hell, you and Atsumu never acted like this! I don’t know what it is about you and Tooru but you both just affect each other in some kind of way. I don’t know if it’s fate or a soulmate thing or if it’s just two people who are incredibly toxic together. I don’t know,” Hinata shook his head again.

Tobio shrunk back in the booth and looked at his hands clasped together on the table. He wanted to argue with Hinata, but the thing was…he wasn’t wrong. He and Tooru did have a weird connection, one that never quite broke but never quite worked either. He didn’t know how to hold on and didn’t know how to let go.

“I can’t lose him again,” he whispered, still looking down at the table.

Hinata sighed, “Ok then, fine. But just…what is it about right now that you like so much? What’s going on that you suddenly think you can make it work?”

Tobio thought about that for a minute before responding. “We’re…just focused on us. He’s here with me and I know he’s not leaving. I feel safe when I’m with him, I trust him. I know that’s always been an issue with us, but with everything with my health, I’ve trusted him to take care of me, to make decisions for me. I’ve trusted him with my life, and I realize I do. I trust him with my life. So, I know it can be done. I know we can make it work because we’re doing it.”

“Tobio,” Hinata suddenly sounded very tired. “Even if you never got your memory back, he is going back to Argentina for his season. Now, maybe you’d go with him, I don’t know, but he is going. You guys are gonna have to figure that out either way. But that doesn’t even matter because you do have your memory back and you can’t fool him much longer, if you’re even fooling him at all at this point. I’m telling you; honesty is better than dragging it out. If he finds out you’ve been lying to him…”

“Ok, but-” Tobio started and Hinata interrupted.

“You’re the one going on about trust but you’re the one lying. What Tooru did all those years ago-that was stupid and impulsive. It was a terrible mistake that he’s regretted every day since. What you’re doing? That’s intentional. It’s ongoing. It’s worse. Don’t be that person. You’re better than that,” Hinata said firmly.

“What do I do?” Tobio asked miserably. “I don’t know what to do.”

Hinata sat quietly for a minute, pushing his food around in his bowl. “What do you want? I mean, seriously. Do you want to make this work? Are you willing to put in the energy? Are you willing to work on yourself and trust your husband and make compromises? Because if you aren’t, then you don’t really want this. And that’s ok,” he added. “It’s ok if you’re done, if you love him but can’t be with him. It’s not ok to lie to him though. It’s been a week, don’t make it worse.”

“So, what do I say?” Tobio asked in exasperation. “Hey, I’ve got my memory back and I remember kicking you out but also I remember loving you and I want to try again…again? And I promise this time I won’t kick you out. And I won’t lie anymore. Trust me, you know, the way I never trusted you?”

“I mean…I wouldn’t say that,” Hinata huffed a laugh. “Just start with telling him that you remember everything and you’ve taken some time to think about it because you realized right away you didn’t want to lose him again. And you’re sorry. And you want to make it work but you understand if he can’t. And see what happens.”

“I can’t,” Tobio shook his head. “What if-”

“He’s not going to leave,” Hinata said softly. “You didn’t see him. That first night, when he found out what happened, he was a zombie Tobio. He like…completely…what’s the word?” he squeezed his eyes shut and tapped the table a few times. “He like, dissociated. He wasn’t there. I would talk to him, and he wouldn’t hear me. Or he just wouldn’t process it, I don’t know. It’s like he was there but he wasn’t. Like he was moving in slow motion. It was his worst nightmare come true. If you want him to come home, to stay home, he’s not going anywhere.”

“Wait…” Tobio said slowly. “That’s a good point. He moved out.”

“Uh, ok?” Hinata asked, clearly confused.

“When we got home, all his stuff was there. But he moved out a couple days before that. And he said he never left the hospital?” Tobio frowned.

“Oh, probably Atsumu,” Hinata nodded.

“Yeah, what’s up with them?” Tobio asked, trying to hold in his annoyance.

“Chill out,” Hinata rolled his eyes. “Atsumu just made himself Tooru’s ‘person’. Someone to be there for him because he was on his own with you and Iwaizumi hurt. I couldn’t be there for him, it was too much. I told you, he lost it. Atsumu stepped up for him. That’s all,” Hinata emphasized.

Tobio clenched his jaw and took in a deep breath, letting out slowly.

“You’ve gotta get this shit under control,” Hinata said flatly. “You can’t be jealous of everyone. I know he’s pretty, but not everyone wants to fuck your husband. And honestly? The only person he wants is you.”

“Should I just let him go then?” Tobio asked softly. “Should I stop putting him through this?”

“You should give him the option to choose for himself,” Hinata sighed. “Go home and tell him you remember everything and you want to work it out. If you’re willing to work. If you can’t do that…then maybe you should let him go. I don’t know.”

Tobio nodded and rather than responding, he picked up his chopsticks and began eating. He was tired of talking, it wasn’t getting him anywhere. Or at least not anywhere he wanted to go. Truthfully, he knew Hinata was right. He knew he had to get it together. Yes, Tooru had made mistakes but so had he. He needed to be able to work on it or let it go; it was that simple. And he also knew he needed to make a decision quickly because the longer he held back, the worse it was going to be when Tooru found out.

When they finished eating, rather than having Hinata drive him home he asked to be dropped off at Atsumu’s place. He’d hoped that talking with his best friend would clear his mind, but it only made things muddier. He knew he had to come clean about his memory, that much was clear, but beyond that he didn’t know what to do. Should he try to make the relationship work or should he let go? He knew that he wanted Tooru, but what did Tooru want? He wished he could say that he trusted his husband enough to be honest with him, but what if he only said he wanted to stay because he felt like he still had to take care of Tobio?

The one person he could talk to who would likely know Tooru’s true feelings was Atsumu. And, oh, how the tables had turned. All those years Tooru had spent being jealous of Tobio’s relationship with Atsumu, now Tobio was jealous of Tooru’s relationship with him. He didn’t really have any intention of telling Atsumu about his memory returning, he was just hoping to gain some insight about how Tooru had been doing since the accident and since he’d managed to fool him the other day, he could probably do it again.

He knew that Tooru hadn’t spent much time with anyone besides him since the accident, with the possible exception of Atsumu. Atsumu who was his person. His new best friend, the person he leaned on when Tobio and Iwaizumi were out of commission. Tobio was really trying to squelch his jealousy, but it was so hard. And it was silly, really, because Tooru had never cared for Atsumu one bit; if he was going to have an affair while Tobio was injured it wouldn’t have been with Atsumu of all people.

But still. Old habits die hard and Tobio had never really let go of his incessant jealousy. It had been there before Tooru had cheated, he’d just done a better job of keeping it hidden. Now he realized he’d have to find a way to work through it if he wanted to keep his husband. But before any of that, he needed to know one thing, did his husband want to be kept by him? And the only person with the answer to that question, shockingly, was Miya Atsumu.

Chapter Text

He strolled into Onigiri Miya to find Atsumu behind the cash register ringing up an order. He brightened when he saw Tobio. “Heya Tobio! Is Tooru with ya?”

“Ah, no. He’s at home. I was out with Hinata, and I decided to stop by here. Do you have some time to talk?” Tobio asked casually.

Atsumu narrowed his eyes for a minute then nodded. “Nakamura,” he called over his shoulder. “I’m heading upstairs for a few minutes; can ya come out and cover the register?”

A lady with a long blond ponytail came out from the back and waved him off, “Take your time.”

Atsumu thanked her and gestured at Tobio to follow him to the back of the restaurant and up the stairs to the apartment. When they walked into the apartment Tobio’s eyes immediately went to the large windows on the side of the room. “It’s nice,” he commented. “I like the windows.”

“Yeah, ya always say that when ya come over. Have a seat,” Atsumu dropped down on the couch and Tobio settled in an armchair next to it.

“Thanks. So, I was just wondering…I was talking to Shoyou about everything that happened and he mentioned how bad it was for Tooru that first night.”

“Yeah, it was,” Atsumu said bluntly.

“I was wondering if you could tell me…what was he like?” Tobio asked hesitantly.

“Ya just said ya already know?” Atsumu squinted at him.

“Yeah but Sho was like…it was hard for him to talk about because he was injured too. But you guys seem close so I figured you would know more about how he was feeling…and stuff,” Tobio trailed off, almost squirming under Atsumu’s intense gaze.

“Sure, ok. Well, ya want to know how he was doing that night?” Atsumu sighed and let his head fall back on the couch, looking up at the ceiling. “He was gutted.”

“Gutted?” Tobio echoed.

Atsumu sat back up and held his eye, “Yeah. He was devastated. I’ve never seen anyone look like that before. His eyes were just…empty. He was walking and talking and taking care of shit, but he just looked like he wasn’t really there. And his voice just sounded…” Atsumu shuddered. “I’ve never heard anyone sound like that before.”

Tobio took a shallow breath and nodded. Ok, so he was really devastated…so he still cares then, right? Not just cares in a human kind of way, but about me specifically. “And you decided to be his friend then?”

“Yeah,” Atsumu nodded.

“Why?” Tobio asked, trying to sound curious and not like he was interrogating Atsumu.

“Why?” Atsumu asked. “Why. Well…because it didn’t take long to see he was falling apart. At first he kept saying he was fine, and I thought maybe he had it together. Not that he was ok but just that he was handling it. But then he snapped at Ushiwaka over nothing, and I took him out in the hallway. That’s when I got a good look at him and I could see just the…the nothing in his eyes. And it made me think…what if that was ‘Samu, my brother? What if me and Sunarin were in an accident and ‘Samu had to handle it on his own? I couldn’t…” he shook his head. “I know ya love him and I couldn’t do anything to help ya in that moment except take care of Tooru. So, I did.”

“Thanks,” Tobio whispered, looking down at his hands.

“You’re welcome. It’s no bother, he’s a decent guy,” Atsumu shrugged.

Tobio nodded absently. “How’s he been since then? He’s always acting like he’s ok and I haven’t paid enough attention because of my health and memory and whatever, but I figured he probably tells you the truth?”

Atsumu continued staring at him unnervingly. “He’s doing better,” he said in a measured tone.

“He was bad before?” Tobio asked.

Atsumu let out a bitter laugh. “Bad? I just told ya, he was falling apart! He didn’t eat unless I forced him to, he barely slept before ya woke up, spent almost a week sleeping in the waiting room, taking showers in the nurses’ lounge when Suga could sneak him in. He wouldn’t leave your room unless they took ya for tests and Miwa made him. Every morning he’d get up, stop by to see Iwa first because he was awake then went straight to ya and stayed until they kicked him out at 9 pm. He watched ya like a hawk. Everything he’s done for the last few weeks has been about ya. So yeah, it was bad. He loves ya Tobio. He really does. A love like that is hard to find and harder to keep, ya know?”

In that moment Tobio started to get the feeling that Atsumu was onto him and decided it was time to end the visit. “Yeah, ok. Thanks.” He stood up and turned towards the door when Atsumu’s voice stopped him.

“No problem,” he shrugged. “And don’t worry, I didn’t tell him about the time ya cheated on him with ‘Samu.”

Tobio whipped around, “I never cheated on Tooru! What the fuck ‘Tsumu?”

“What the fuck is right,” Atsumu jumped up. “I knew ya had your memory back! Why are ya lying to me and why are ya lying to him?”

Tobio started to yell back to defend himself, but instead he let the fight drain out of him. “Because I don’t want to lose him again. I remember everything and I know it got really bad and I don’t want to lose him. I just…Shoyou told me I had to tell him the truth but before I did I guess I just wanted to know how he’d take it. if he’s gonna leave me I want to be prepared for it,” he whispered.

“He’s not gonna leave ya,” Atsumu said. “I promise ya, he’s not. He loves ya Tobio. If ya want him, go and get him, ok? But make a better effort this time.”

“I know,” Tobio nodded. They stood silently for a couple minutes before Tobio spoke again, “You really think he’ll stay?”

“I think he’d do damn near anything to keep ya,” Atsumu said softly. “But don’t take advantage of that. Because ya could and he’ll let ya. Be better than that though.”

“I will,” Tobio nodded, before walking out of the apartment.

…

When he left Hinata at the restaurant, Tobio still hadn’t decided what he was going to do, but when he left Atsumu at Onigiri Miya he had decided to come clean. And after he walked into his house and saw Tooru sitting on the couch reading a magazine he became resolute. He had to tell him the truth. There was no way he could keep lying; it wasn’t right. And the longer it went on, the longer it became unforgivable. He couldn’t expect honesty from Tooru when he was so easily lying to him.

The only problem was that he couldn’t speak. He couldn’t open his mouth and say the words so instead he just stood there, staring until Tooru finally looked up at him. “Tobio, hey. How’s Shoyou?”

“Fine. He’s fine. Um…we need to talk,” Tobio blurted out, causing Tooru to go visibly pale.

“Ok,” he said cautiously. “Are you ok? Is anything wrong?”

Tobio shook his head, “No. Not…no. It’s…I remember. Everything. I remember everything.”

Tooru took a sharp breath and looked closely at Tobio. “When?”

Tobio could tell he was shaking, he could only hope it wasn’t that visible to Tooru. Stay calm. Be strong. You want this to work. You can’t go off the rails; you can’t let your insecurities win. Remember what Sho and ‘Tsumu said. He loves me, I know he does. “Last week,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Last…week?” Tooru looked at him incredulously before understanding dawned on his face. “That night you had a nightmare?”

How had he ever thought he could hide anything from Tooru? It simply wasn’t possible. “Yeah,” he nodded.

“You wanna sit down so we can talk about it?” Tooru asked, his voice starting to tremble as well which confused Tobio, but he only nodded again and sat on the couch, leaving a cushion between them. He wanted to be closer, but he had no idea how Tooru was feeling and wanted to give him space.

“So…what are you thinking then? Why didn’t you say anything before?” Tooru asked, his tone strangely vacant.

“I…don’t know,” Tobio said before sighing impatiently and shaking his head. “No, sorry. That’s not true. I didn’t say anything because I remembered everything, including the last few weeks. And I…I didn’t want anything to change,” he admitted.

“You…you what?” Tooru did a double take. “What do you mean?”

“I mean I liked having you back,” Tobio whispered, his eyes dropping to his hands, fidgeting in his lap. “I liked…the last few weeks you made me feel safe and loved and yeah, I remember the fights and all that shit, but I remember how you have taken care of me. I want that. I want us back. And I didn’t know how to do that; I was afraid when I remembered you would leave.”

“Tobio…” Tooru said weakly, his eyes shining with tears.

“I can’t lose you again,” Tobio said, tears flooding his eyes too. “I can’t…I thought, it was dumb and I know it cause when Shoyou calls you dumb you know you’re an idiot,” he rambled. “But I just thought if I didn’t remember anything then you would stay and we’d be ok. And yeah it was dumb. It was so…”

“No, I get it,” Tooru shook his head and wiped at a tear that streaked down his cheek. “I’ve been worried about the same thing. That when you remembered that you’d remember you hate me and you want me gone and you’d make me leave and I…I couldn’t handle the thought of leaving, not after I almost lost you for real.”

“I don’t want you to leave,” Tobio blurted out. “I don’t. I lied to you and I’m sorry and I know that makes me a hypocrite and you have every right to be mad and hate me and leave and-”

“Whoa, whoa!” Tooru leaned forward. “Breathe Tobio! I’m not going anywhere, ok? We need to figure this out.”

Tobio nodded shakily and tried to slow his breathing, feeling instantly better when Tooru grabbed his hand. “Ok…I…ok,” he said between breaths. When he finally felt calmer he started talking again. “I talked to Shoyou this afternoon because I had to tell someone. I couldn’t hold it in, and I needed to tell someone I could trust.”

Tooru’s guarded mask came up and Tobio internally winced. He hadn’t meant that he didn’t trust Tooru, but he couldn’t exactly talk to Tooru about himself, so he said exactly that. “I couldn’t talk about you to you,” he chided and Tooru relaxed, just a bit, so Tobio continued. “Anyhow, he told me I was stupid and by lying to you I was risking us for real. He said…he said I needed to grow up. That I need to decide what I want and commit to it, not keep going back and forth with insecurities. And then I talked to Atsumu because I needed to know how you felt…how big of a risk I was taking by telling the truth.”

“Ok,” Tooru said cautiously. “And what are your thoughts on all that?”

“Sho’s right,” Tobio shrugged. “You fucked up. All those years ago we were in a bad place, and you did something stupid. And it hurt and it still hurts if I’m being honest but…I can’t keep punishing you for it. I either have to get over it and trust you or I have to let us go. I can’t…we can’t keep doing this. Because it’s not fair to either of us.”

“So…?” Tooru asked hesitantly.

“I can’t live without you,” Tobio shrugged helplessly. “After you left…after I told you to leave,” he corrected himself. “I spent one night here alone and couldn’t handle it. I had to sleep on the couch and then I basically moved in with Shoyou and Kenma. I couldn’t handle being here without you. I can’t. And I know…well Shoyou pointed it out but he’s right…no matter what happens with my health, you’re going back to Argentina. And you should,” he hurried to add when Tooru cringed.

“You have every right to continue your career, and I’ve been a dick about that. You would never ask me to give up volleyball, and I’ve been pressuring you and it’s not right. I need to deal with it. Whatever comes next, after we retire, that’s something different. But right now, you’re gonna go back and-”

“Come with me,” Tooru said impulsively. “We’ll spend the summer in Japan and if you’re safe to travel, come back with me. If you’re not then I’ll sit out the season.”

“I’m not asking you to do that,” Tobio protested.

“You’re not asking,” Tooru said. “I’m telling. Look,” he sighed. “I’m not crazy about you lying for the last week but I understand. Because I could have told you the truth about our marriage, but I’ve lied to you because I thought it was better for you to think we were happy while you were recovering. How hard would it have been for you to be here with other people? Especially when you remembered loving me? So, yeah, you lied, but I did too. It was more or less for the same reason,” he shrugged.

“That’s…generous,” Tobio said hesitantly.

“You remember what you said to Iwa-chan and Ushiwaka? About how bad it must have been for me? It was,” Tooru said firmly. “I had a hell of a lot of time to think and what I came back to was that I didn’t want to lose you. That yeah, you’ve given me a hard time, but I haven’t given you a lot of reasons not to. I was stubborn about coming back to Japan, about splitting my time. And why? It doesn’t matter where I live, if you aren’t there, it isn’t home. Period.”

“So, what are you saying?” Tobio asked.

“I want us back too. I want…look. I told Atsumu that I would give up my career if it meant that you’d live and could play again. We won’t know how your play is affected for a while but…you lived. You mean more to me than volleyball. You just do,” Tooru said softly.

“I’m not letting you quit volleyball,” Tobio said stubbornly prompting Tooru to laugh.

“We’re ridiculous,” he chuckled. “But look, here’s what I know. I want us. If you think we can make this work-”

“We can,” Tobio interrupted. “We have to.”

Tooru nodded, “Then I want to try. I think we should…I don’t know. Let’s just take a couple days to think about what we both want, what we think we should do, and then go from there. Is that ok?”

“Yes,” Tobio nodded. “But…can I ask you for something?”

“Of course,” Tooru frowned. “What is it?”

“Can you not leave? While we’re figuring it all out…can we just…keep living like this? Together? And…sleep in the same bed?” Tobio asked, afraid of the answer. He couldn’t blame Tooru if he wanted space while they were thinking things over but he if was being honest, he’d really hate it.

“That’s easy,” Tooru’s face broke into a real smile. “Of course I’ll stay.”

The relief that flooded Tobio’s body was immeasurable. Without thinking, he leaned forward and pulled Tooru into a hug, unable to stop the tears that leaked from his eyes. “Thank you,” he choked out into Toouru’s shoulder.

“You don’t have to thank me for loving you,” Tooru said, sounding choked up himself. “I’ll never stop. Nothing I said to you over the last couple weeks was a lie. I love you. I’ve always loved you and there’s never been anyone else who’s ever meant anything to me. It’s just you.”

Tobio just held him tighter and basked in the good feeling. It’s going to be ok. It has to be.

…

Tooru couldn’t believe the turn of events. Tobio had his memory back? He wanted to try again? He was admitting to making his own mistakes? It was like something out of a dream and he didn’t want to believe that they could possibly screw it up again. Just as Tobio had needed to talk to someone about remembering, Tooru needed to debrief with someone too. Ordinarily he would go to Iwaizumi, but he knew his best friend would be less than thrilled with their reconciliation, so Tooru went to his newly minted second best friend: Atsumu.

“Ya were right,” Atsumu shook his head. “Ya told me something was off and ya were right.”

“I’m always right, Atsu-chan,” Tooru said smugly, taking a bite of his onigiri.

“Not really,” Atsumu rolled his eyes and kicked his feet up on the kotatsu. “Ya were sure Tobio was gonna kick your sorry ass to the curb and he’s asking ya to stay.”

“He is,” Tooru nodded. “For now.”

“What do ya mean?” Atsumu frowned. “He said he wanted to work on things and own his shit, right?”

“Yeah,” Tooru nodded, the onigiri suddenly sitting heavy in his stomach. “He said that…but come on. He just dodged death. Maybe he feels that way now…but when I’m back in Argentina and he’s…wherever he’s gonna be…is he gonna change his mind? Can I trust him?”

“Hmm,” Atsumu frowned and crossed his arms over his chest. “Well, I think first ya gotta decide if you want to give it another chance. ‘Cause if you don’t, the rest of the argument ain’t worth thinking about. Just move out and move on. If ya decide that ya do want him, then ya need to start thinking forward and putting in boundaries. I think it’s ok to say yeah, let’s try but if ya kick me out again I’m not coming back. I’m not getting jerked around like that.”

Tooru nodded; that made sense. He didn’t know if he was strong enough to follow through but he could probably say it.

“Ya remember what ya said to me before he woke up?” Atsumu asked gently and Tooru nodded again. “I think ya gotta give it a chance, I think it’s what ya really want. I think you’ll regret it if you don’t. But I’ll support ya no matter what ya decide.”

“Hmm,” Tooru said, stalling. Atsumu was right and he knew it. If he didn’t at least try, he’d regret it. This wasn’t a random restart, they just made it through a life altering accident; it made sense that it could change their perspectives.

“Ya don’t need to have an answer right now,” Atsumu said lightly. “It’s ok to take a couple days to think about it.”

“Yeah,” Tooru said absently. “But I don’t want to take a couple days. I want to just get on with it. I’ve spent the last couple weeks living in limbo and it sucks. You’re right; if I walk away now I’ll always regret it. I’m going to tell him I want to give it a shot and then we’ll work out some guidelines and see what happens.”

“And boundaries,” Atsumu said seriously. “Don’t let him push ya around again. And you don’t give him reasons to be insecure! Ya guys’ll be fine,” he waved a hand dismissively.

“Oh yeah?” Tooru laughed. “You sound pretty confident.”

“I know Tobio,” Atsumu shrugged. “And now I know ya. I know true love when I see it. If you’re both committed to making it work, you’ll make it work.”

“Yeah,” Tooru said with less certainly. “You know what this means though right?”

“That Tobio better start taking Spanish lessons?” Atsumu joked.

“Oh my God, please,” Tooru snorted. “You’ve heard his version of Italian, right?”

Atsumu laughed out loud at that. “He can cook some Italian food, but he butchers the language!”

Tooru laughed with him before continuing, “No, silly setter. Now that my relationship is settled, it’s time to work on your love life.”

“My guy,” Atsumu raised an eyebrow. “Your love life is far from settled.”

“Nope, it’s settled, I know it. I feel it,” Tooru declared. “So now we have to find someone for you to shower with love and affection.”

“Right,” Atsumu rolled his eyes. “Ya go ahead and get on that. Until then…we’re going back on the road in a couple weeks.”

“Really?” Tooru’s eyebrows shot up. “So, you’re continuing with the season for sure then?”

“Yeah,” Atsumu shrugged. “Everyone’s alive and healing. We’re not gonna win shit this summer, but it’s something to do.”

Tooru shook his head, “Right. I guess I need to get back on my own physical therapy.”

“Ya think? I can’t believe Tobio’s not on your ass about it yet,” Atsumu said.

“Yeah,” Tooru sighed. “I’m afraid he’ll wanna train with me and he can’t; it’s too soon for him.”

“Talk to his doctor or the team doctor. Or Iwaizumi…?” Atsumu ventured, knowing that Tobio and Iwaizumi’s relationship had chilled over the weeks leading up to the accident. He’d witnessed it firsthand; while they were always professional, the relationship stopped there.

“There’s a reason I’m talking to you and not Iwa-chan,” Tooru said. “But I can call his doctors and see what they say.”

“You’re gonna need to tell him ya guys are back together for real. He’s gonna notice on your 50^th anniversary that you still live together,” Atsumu teased gently.

“I know. One difficult conversation at a time,” Tooru joked back. “He’ll come around, he just wants me to be happy.”

“I know,” Atsumu nodded. “And that’s ok. It’ll all work out.”

“Yeah,” Tooru said. And for the first time he was actually starting to believe it could work out.