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r/relationships

  u/peskybirdz

Me [25M] with my roommate of 1 year [26M], I’m worried I might be homophobic towards him?

Let me start by saying that I’ve never thought of myself as homophobic. Many of my closest friends are gay, and I’ve never had a problem with them dating before. So all of this is coming out of nowhere.

“GoodTimes” has been my roommate for one year now, and I pretty much knew upfront about him being gay. At some point, we became friendly enough with each other that we could even joke about it, as in, sometimes he’ll flirt with me, and I’ll pretend to flirt back. I’m straight- just comfortable in my sexuality. He knows this too.

The problems start because of this: GoodTimes brings guys home sometimes. At the start, I thought I was okay with it, since it’s really not my business who he sleeps with. He’s usually discreet enough that I don’t see/hear anything I wouldn’t want to see/hear from anyone else, but for some reason I’ve started feeling weird if I even see him with other guys.

One time that really sticks out to me is when I came home and saw him making out with some guy on our sofa. I don’t know how to describe what it was like to see that, except for a moment I felt so bad I thought I was going to throw up.

And I don’t react like this to other gay people either, it’s just GoodTimes. I don’t know if this means I’m only okay with gay people as long as I’m not living with them or what. I want to get over myself and stop whatever this is, otherwise I’ll have to leave so I don’t end up hurting him. 

Tl;dr: Roommate is gay. I am not. I thought I was okay with him being gay until I realised I feel crappy when I see him with other guys and it’s starting to affect our friendship. How to deal with this/stop being such a dick?

Save Draft  |  Post

一一一一一一一一一一一

Grian leant back in his chair, fingers leaving the keyboard. 

This really was a last resort. He wasn’t exactly a huge fan of airing out his personal bigotry problems on the internet, never mind Reddit, but Scar was following him on the rest of his social media accounts. And he wasn’t about to create a whole new profile for a situation as annoyingly frustrating this one had spiralled into being. 

Ugh. He didn’t even know where these feelings came from. Everything was going fine. They got on well, really well. Both were attuned to the other, always knowing when the other needed space (or lack thereof). 

Scar had become part of his day-to-day routine. Two toothbrushes sat together in their pot, two pairs of shoes discarded by the door, two coasters set on the table. He was the perfect roommate. He tidied up after himself, made the most mouth-watering dinners, always made the effort to get along with all of his friends. 

But Grian had to go and ruin it.

He tried to put a stop to these feelings the first time they ever bubbled in his chest. He really did. But a bitter parasitic aversion seized his insides, devouring any and all reason; It did not seem to be letting up anytime soon, much to his own disgust.

His mind cast back to a few days ago. 

Grian just finished what felt like the longest shift of his life. Shoulder blades throbbed a dull ache as he unlocked his apartment door, trudging inside. He carelessly threw his keys onto the side table. 

The door slammed shut behind him, eliciting a gasp from elsewhere in the room. 

“Oh, shit.”

His head shot up to the sound. Green eyes met his, as he took in the scene that was currently playing in their shared living room. 

His roommate was sprawled against the sofa cushions, head reclined against the arm rest. He looked a mess. Scar’s cheeks were flushed pink, colour cascading down his neck to his collarbones, revealed by an unbuttoned, rumpled shirt. His breathing was uneven. Grian watched the way his chest sharply rose and fell. 

His eyes drifted over. Hovering over his roommate was someone he’d never seen before. A man he’d never seen before. Inky black hair gathered in stringlets on the stranger’s forehead as he continued moving forward to the space between Scar’s neck, gently sucking at the soft skin exposed. Red marks were left in trail. The man had clearly not noticed their unexpected voyeur. Grian’s expression hardened.

Scar gaped at Grian, as he attempted to nudge the other away from his neck, whining slightly. 

The man on top of him seemed to get the message as he glanced up, sending a questioning look before following Scar’s gaze to the door. Grian stood there. He froze.

“Oh, dude, I’m so sorry,” his roommate hoisted himself up and strode across the room towards him, blocking the view of the man on their sofa. Grian peered over the other’s shoulder, catching sight of a white lab coat being racily thrown on, and the struggle of laces being messily tied. “I thought you weren’t due home for another hour. Must’ve lost track of time.”

Scar sent him a sheepish smile, blush racing cry from the bridge of his nose to the tops of his ears. Grian’s eyes travelled down. His lips were still wet and slightly puffy. 

He felt sick.

Grian shook his head, escaping the memory. 

It had been excruciatingly awkward for the rest of that night. Scar tried his best to apologise. He was genuinely sorry for making his roommate uncomfortable, promising that it wouldn’t happen again. Grian waved him off, saying it was fine. It was really fine.

He even casually asked if the man who was in their living room was Scar’s boyfriend. This was apparently hilarious. His roommate chortled, happy to escape the tension, “Oh, no, no, that's just Cub.”

And if Grian went straight to bed that night with no dinner as seething poison seeped through his veins while he pictured “Just Cub”, well that really was none of Scar’s business. 

He clicked post. 

一一一一一一一一一一一

Grian did not check the post. 

He had immediately closed all tabs, cleared his history, and powered off his computer. No trace left behind for wandering eyes. 

His phone sat face down on the counter while Grian hunched over, eating his bowl of cereal. Rebelling eyes glanced over, as his fingers itched to check his notifications. Maybe if he just ignored these feelings they would just go away on their own. He didn’t need the advice of some strangers on the internet. He gripped the spoon tighter. 

“Good morning!” a cheerful voice rang out, a touch too loud for this time of morning.

Grian startled, spoon clattering against the bowl below as droplets of milk splattered atop the marble counter. He felt a pang of guilt. Maybe he should delete the post?

“Hey, man.” He did his best to smile. 

A flash of colour crossed his vision as Scar reached over to their fruit bowl, grabbing an apple. He was wearing a bright orange and blue shirt, collar undone, paired with some low-rise bell bottom jeans. Tanned skin peeked through as the top’s material shifted with the movement. Grian’s eyes didn’t remain there a second too long. Nope.

“Just to let you know,” Scar put his weight on his side, leaning against the counter. “I won’t be home until a bit later than usual tonight.”

Grian hummed, really focusing on his cereal. “Why? Did someone call out at work?”

“No,” Scar took a crisp bite of the apple, juice coating his lips. “Just going over to a friend’s house.”

His words came out muffled, mouth full as he swallowed. Grian could see the lump travel down his throat through his periphery. He moved his, now mushy, cereal around. Did they need more milk? He should get more milk. 

“Got anything fun planned?” He ate another spoonful. 

“Well…” 

He glanced up at his roommate. His face was dusted a soft pink as he now avoided eye contact with Grian. A small smile tugged at the sides of his lips.

Oh. One of those friends . 

That familiar pit opened up again in Grian’s stomach. Ugly words whispered behind his eyes.

It was fine. He could handle not having Scar for one night. He was allowed to have other friends. Who knows, maybe this distance could be good for him. A complete reset of his system so things can go back to normal. He wouldn’t stay up late letting his mind wander to what his roommate was doing somewhere across the city. In some other guy’s room. In some other guy’s bed. No, he wouldn’t think about that at all.

“I best be off now,” Scar pushed himself off the ledge, not letting any silence settle between them. Still eating his apple, he made his way to the door and grabbed his bag. “Bye, G! Hope you have a good day!” 

Grian weakly lifted a hand, offering a small wave. “You too.”

His roommate waved back, voice fainter as he left the apartment, closing the door behind him. “Love you!” 

“Love you too…” he muttered. 

Silence flooded the room. His ears began to ring. Head pounding. 

He pushed the bowl away.

Fuck it. He was checking his phone.

He quickly tapped to unlock the screen. Swiping to find the App and clicking on his profile. His eyes scanned over the replies.

u/marinarina05 commented:  16h ago

Are you sure that weird feeling isn’t jealousy…? I mean this only seems to    

        revolve around GoodTimes specifically. 

He considered the text on the screen, the crease between his eyebrows deepening.

Okay, maybe Grian could admit he’d been going through a bit of a dry spell. So this wasn’t a totally crazy idea. Seeing Scar get with other people while he hadn’t much as held hands with someone in months was bound to bring some feelings into play. BUT, that didn’t mean he couldn't. Grian was more than capable of going out and bringing home any nice girl home whenever he wanted, thank you. He just didn’t have any interest at the moment. That was all. So no, he wasn’t jealous of Scar. He was happy Scar was getting about there. Truly.

peskybirdz OP replied to marinarina05:  1m ago

       I don’t know what I’m meant to be jealous of. He definitely has a more active sex life than I do, but reacting like this to something like that seems really strange and irrational.

Grian ran a hand down his face. What if he actually was just homophobic? He really didn’t want to be. The thought made him itch. Green clung to his screen that no amount of soap was washing away. He tried. This was honestly so selfish of him. He wasn’t raised like that. It wasn’t Scar’s fault he was going out and having a life. 

And what would happen if Scar ever got a boyfriend? If this was how Grian was reacting now to a couple of hookups, how would he react then? Would the boyfriend stay at their place? Would they feel uncomfortable with Grian being there all the time? He would have to give them space. Eat dinner in his own room, not at the table with Scar. The boyfriend would probably sit in his seat. Their apartment was technically Scar’s first. Would they have to sit Grian down and awkwardly ask him to move out?

God, he really needed to sort himself out. Maybe he did need to get laid.

The post was unfortunately not about to solve all his problems as he hoped. Exhaling a sigh of defeat, he went to close the app- but not before his focus drifted onto a different comment.

u/adorablelilacs commented:  11h ago

      are you 100% sure you’re not into him at all? lol

Grian blinked.

… What?

His finger hovered over the screen. He didn’t really know what to do with that, staring at the text some more.

Grian was straight. Completely heterosexual.

He couldn’t be into Scar. Maybe he could see where they were coming from, from an outsider’s perspective. But from an insider’s perspective? He was definitely straight. Sure, he could appreciate a good-looking guy, and god knows Scar was one of them- especially when he wore those muscle compression tops Grian gifted him last Christmas. But that didn’t make him gay . He was just incredibly comfortable in his sexuality. 

Come to think of it, he was pretty sure Mumbo had forced him to do an online gay test with him a few years ago, and the results told him he was straight! He wasn’t gay.

Scar sometimes liked to talk about sexuality being fluid, but he did mention a few times about knowing he was gay from a pretty young age. So this comment seemed kind of strange considering he had only ever been into women his whole life. 

He clicked his phone off. Black screen reflected his face back at him. He turned the phone over on the counter again.

Grian needed to get ready for work. 

一一一一一一一一一一一

A few days pass by, and Grian is feeling much better. 

He hasn’t seen or heard any hookups. Things returned to normal. Their regularly scheduled programme of goofing around, playing videogames, and watching god-awful early 2000s chickflicks (while actually secretly enjoying them) was back on.

See? He knew he wasn’t homophobic. He just needed some time to work through his feelings. It must have been a jealousy thing, not being used to sharing his space or his roommate with others. Which was totally normal! Grian was straight, Scar was gay, and they were very happy living together. 

Grian nudged their front door open with his side, hands full from carrying the shopping bags containing their dinner for the night. He shuffled in and faced the kitchen.

And nearly dropped the bags. His heart sank.

In their kitchen was Scar, back leaning against the marble island. Opposite him was someone he’d never met before. He had both arms at the side of his roommate, effectively blocking him in. 

Okay, nothing to panic about. They were probably just talking. Having a normal conversation. No tongues were in anybody’s mouth like last time. Nothing of the sexual variety was currently happening. Just some guy hanging out with Scar. That was allowed. Obviously, that was allowed. He breathed.

“Hey, G!” Scar smiled looking his way, eyes drifting down at Grian’s hands. “Ooh, you were able to get the ingredients- Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

His roommate rushed over to grab them for him, relieving him from the weight. With their new found-closeness, Grian could make out some fresh bruises on the other’s neck; His hair was tousled a little more than usual as well. 

Red creases stung from the indent the bags left on his palm. He dug his nails in.

“You’re welcome,” Grian stared at the other man in his kitchen. “Although I thought it would just be us tonight.”

Scar’s smile faded as he set the plastic on the counter. He shot Grian a look, surprised at the tone of his words while in front of their guest. 

“Grian…” his roommate laughed uncomfortably, looking between the two. “Bdubs can stay for dinner if he wants. We have more than enough here for three.”

Grian did not want ‘Bdubs’ to stay for dinner. Grian wanted ‘Bdubs’ to leave. 

He geared up to say just that.

“Woah, no, it’s okay, Scar. Don’t be worrying about that,” Bdubs chimed in, “I needed to get going now, anyways. It’s late.”

“Yeah, that’d be great.” A bitter smile spread across Grian’s face as he stood next to Scar and began to unpack the groceries. He held a lemon a little too tight. “Thanks.”

“Grian.” Scar warned, voice raised. 

Bdubs forced a laugh. “No, I get it. I get a little hangry when I haven’t had dinner as well. I’ll get out of your hair now.” He picked up his jacket, clearly uncomfortable and wanting to leave. 

Grian turned on their tap and started to wash the ingredients they needed for tonight. Scrubbing hard to get all the dirt off. The rush of the water drowned out any more conversation in the room as Scar awkwardly led Bdubs to their door. 

Faintly, he could hear Scar whispering apologies about his behaviour, assuring him that he’s not usually like this. Grian couldn’t care less how rude he came off as just now. He wanted to come home and relax with Scar, make a nice meal together as they had planned. Bdubs did not fit into that equation. Grian was perfectly fine with just wanting Scar to himself for the night. He turned the tap off. 

“Hey, Uh- It was nice meeting you, Grian.” Bdubs awkwardly waved as he shuffled out of their apartment. Finally leaving. 

Grian grimaced with his back turned, muttering to himself.  “Yeah. Can’t say the same.”

Scar shut the door behind him. Wall vibrating with the force.  “What is your problem, G?” His voice exasperated. He slowly turned around, “Was all that attitude really necessary? Bdubs was nothing but nice to you, and you just talk to him like you’re some kind of asshole?”

He didn’t know what to say. Shit. Did he go too far?

His roommate stared at him, waiting for a response. Nothing.

“Y’know you’ve been acting real strange lately.” Scar crossed his hands over his chest to hold his sides. He looked hurt. Pissed off, but hurt. He hesitated before speaking again. “Is this because I’m sleeping with guys?”

Oh God. No, this isn’t what he wanted to happen. He didn’t mean to upset Scar.

He opened his mouth, failing to find the right words. “I- no- Scar, it’s not that-”

Scar looked really upset. “Then what is it, Grian? Because I can’t think of anything else it could be.” 

“It’s nothing! I have no problem with you sleeping with guys.” he croaked out, “You can sleep with anyone you want, it’s none of my business.”

Scar stared at him. Hurt welling in his eyes. He had always worn his heart on his sleeve. Grian loved that about him. He did not want to be on the causing end of it.

Grian couldn’t breathe. He didn’t like this conversation. He made for his bedroom, hoping to lock himself in and not leave until he sorted whatever messed-up feelings he had currently going on inside him. He could never let Scar see him like this. Disgusting. 

Scar caught his wrist. He looked really angry now.

“You know, this is really selfish of you if it is about me bringing my hookups back here,” The words seethed from his roommate's mouth. He could feel his breath on his face. “You have no right to complain when you used to bring your girlfriend back here all the time. I never said anything about that then.”

Grian rolled his eyes. “She was not my girlfriend.”

She wasn’t. It was more of a friends with benefits kind of situation. It had only lasted a few months after he and Scar moved in. He was the one to break it off with her- he couldn’t actually remember her name now that he thought about it. Maybe it was Ariana? Either way, once that was over, Grian hadn’t done anything with anyone since. But that wasn’t the point. 

“You’re right. I’m sorry, okay? I’ve just been having a bad day.” Grian really hoped Scar believed him and didn’t look too deeply into it. “I really do not care who you sleep with.”

Scar dropped his wrist. His usual lively eyes went vacant as he pulled away. Why did he look more upset?

“Yeah, okay.” 

His roommate walked towards the door, back turnt. He could faintly see him use his sleeve to discreetly wipe his eyes. Scar lifted his jacket from its hanger. “I’m gonna go to a friend's house to cool off.”

Grian watched. “Okay.”

Scar opened the door, pausing. “And you’ll be okay if I sleep with him as long as I do it at his place and just not ours, right?”

He didn’t give Grian a chance to respond.

The door slammed shut.

一一一一一一一一一一一

r/relationships   22h ago

  u/peskybirdz

UPDATE: Me [25M] with my roommate of 1 year [26M], I’m worried I might be homophobic towards him?  

I really messed up. And it’s affecting our friendship. 

The other day I came home right when some guy was about to leave, and the guy tried to be polite to me but I ended up being rude to him (don’t remember what I said, but it was really obvious I was pissed). When the guy left, GoodTimes asked me why I was being an asshole. I didn’t know what to say, but then he asked if I had a problem with him sleeping with other guys. I said no. For some reason that pissed him off more and he said I can’t complain since I used to bring my fuckbuddy over and he was forced to see me being affectionate with her sometimes. I agreed with him and told him I was just having a bad day and I don’t care who he sleeps with, but he looked more upset and told me he’s going to a friend’s place to cool off. When he was leaving for some reason he casually said, “and you’ll be okay if I sleep with him as long as I do at his place and not ours, right?” Or something like that. I can’t remember.

If this is how I act with the guys he fools around with, I don’t know what I’d do if he ends up with an actual boyfriend.

I feel sick.

I can’t stop thinking about him.

一一一一一一一一一一一

Scar did not come home that night. Grian had stayed up listening for the click of the lock, unable to sleep. It never came.

Very little was achieved the rest of the day, opting to stay cocooned in his bed and staring at his blank wall as the sun slowly inched across it. 

He really fucked up. Something just came over him, and he was unable to stop until he destroyed everything in his path. Including his friendship with Scar. Grian wouldn’t blame the man if he decided he never wanted to speak with him again. He had embarrassed him in front of his friend. Said some pretty nasty things he wasn’t proud of. Regret rippled through him.

Reluctantly, he checked his phone. No new messages from Scar. Although there was a new comment on the post he had typed up in a fit of misery the night before. He clicked on it.

u/scarianlvr commented:  8h ago

      Is your “disgust” directed at GoodTimes or the other guys? Because from reading your post, it seems that your feelings towards GoodTimes are the same… Maybe you’re not as straight as you thought.

Grian scoffed. This again?

There had been a flurry of comments on both posts from different users suggesting his feelings towards Scar were more than platonic. Grian read every single one. They all argued something along the lines of him wanting to be the guy Scar was with, explaining his anger towards them. Which was ridiculous, but he couldn’t exactly reply to every single comment telling them he is, in fact, straight. Unchangeably so.

The thought of even kissing a guy felt weird to Grian. How would that even work? At least with Scar he knew it wouldn’t be the worst kiss he’d ever have. His lips always looked so soft. On multiple occasions, he saw his roommate apply a mint-flavoured lip gloss. He reached up to touch his own. His lips would tingle. The kiss would probably get messy. Scar would leave a shimmering trail on his neck as he worked his way down-

Okay. He inhaled sharply. 

He was really tired.

Grian sent a quick reply.

peskybirdz OP replied to scarianlvr:  1m ago

      I think it’s just them I resent. I can’t imagine being disgusted by GoodTimes.

Not really sure what to say to the rest of that, sorry. I might need to think about  this.

Grian really didn’t want to think about this. So he didn’t.

He returned to the real problem at hand. He really messed up last night. And Scar still wasn’t home. Did he even want Scar to come home yet? He didn’t know what he’d even say to apologise yet. But maybe that didn’t matter. 

Scar would come home and ask him to leave. And he would probably still be so nice about it. Maybe even help him pack his things and find a new place. Because that’s the type of person Scar was. Tears stung his eyes as they dropped to his pillow below.

He really didn’t want to lose Scar. 

There was a soft knock on his door.

Oh God. His heart rate spiked as he stared expectedly at the door. Maybe he could pretend to be asleep and avoid this conversation until it really needed to happen? He subconsciously shuffled under the covers.  

“...You alright there, mate?” 

Grian’s eyes shot open. Standing above him was Pearl, eyebrows knit in mild concern. He groaned, “What are you doing here?”

“It’s Tuesday.” She stared at him expectantly. He stared back. “We were going to go for lunch?” 

Sitting up, he checked the date on his phone. “Shit. I completely forgot that was today,” he winced. “Sorry.”

She walked up to his bed and Grian shifted to the side, making room for her to sit. A hand found his back, rubbing gently. “What’s going on?” 

His sister always knew when something was wrong, so there was no point in lying.

“I messed up.”

“Okay.” Pearl pulled her legs up and sat cross-legged, so they were both facing each other. “Well, I’m sure whatever's happened can be fixed, yeah?”

He shook his head. “I’m not so sure.” 

Pearl frowned. “Do you want to tell me about it?” 

Grian felt his throat close up. God, now his sister was going to know how awful he treated Scar. The pair got on so well together. Always teaming up to tease Grian about his height, or hyping up each other’s artwork on social media. He didn’t think he could explain the situation he had dug himself into out loud, throat swelling up.

He passed Pearl his phone, showing her the posts. 

Silently, he watched as her eyes scanned the text. He couldn’t read her expression very well. Would she be angry with him? Upset? Her brother was a homophobe. She’d probably call him an idiot.

“You’re an idiot.”

Okay. He deserves that.

“He’s in love with you.”

“What?” Grian exclaimed, eyes growing large. “No he’s not.”

She nodded firmly. “Yeah. And you’re in love with him.”

“What?! You sound like all of those stupid comments.”

“Because they’re right.” Pearl put her hands up in a surrender. “You’re clearly jealous of these guys and just want Scar to yourself.”

“But I’m not-” He scoffed. “Pearl, I’m not gay .”

Pearl stared at him. 

“I’m not…” He muttered weakly. 

He wasn’t. Right?

“Think about it, G.” Pearl leant close, voice gentle. “Do you really think you could hate Scar?”

“No.” 

“And do you think Scar could hate you?”

God, he hoped not. “… No.” 

“So, when you saw him with those guys could it be possible you were jealous that his attention was on them and not on you.”

Grian swallowed. His line of reasoning was crumbling. His mouth opened and closed. No words came out.

“He almost definitely wanted you to be jealous aswell.”

“Huh?” Now that was something he hadn’t heard yet. He tilted his head, eyebrows creasing. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, think about it. In your posts, whenever you try to reassure him that you don’t mind who he sleeps with or when he brought up your old friends with benefits situation, he seemed more upset, right?” 

Grian nodded. “Yeah, he did. I never really got why though. I thought I was saying the right thing to show I’m accepting of it all.”

Pearl hummed. “So what if he actually wanted you to be more upset?” She smiled wide as she thought about it more. “It sounds like Scar kept bringing those guys back to get a reaction out of you.” 

A reaction? Well he certainly got a reaction last night. But his sister’s words were beginning to make some sense. Scar knew when he would get home from work. He knew when was coming home. They had a shared calendar for god’s sake. Location always turned on. 

But why? Why would Scar purposefully stage these hookups for Grian to see? He saw how Grian reacted each time. What did he want out of him? He was starting to think the only way his roommate’s behaviour made sense was because- 

Oh.

Oh .

“Because he loves me…” Revelation seeped through his words, over his face. Scar liked him. 

They stared at each other. 

“You’re in love with Scar.”

“I’m-“ Oh God. She was right. “I’m in love with Scar.”

He was. He was in love with Scar. His roommate. He wasn’t homophobic. Just in love. 

What did this mean, then? If he had feelings for Scar did that mean he wasn’t straight? Was he gay? Bi? 

Grian wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure if he cared. He just wanted Scar. His Scar. 

He panicked. “Pearl, what do I do?”

“I think you need to talk with him, buddy.” 

Oh God. That was right. He needed to talk to him. This made problems so much worse. 

He was in love with his roommate. His roommate who was currently avoiding him and not coming home. 

“I don’t think he wants to hear from me right now.” His mouth settled in a grim line. “He might not even want to come home.”

Pearl pulled him close. “He does. He will.” She reassured him. “He may also be an idiot but he’ll come back to you. I promise.”

Grian dropped his head so he could lean on her shoulder. He felt so stupid. Of course he was in love with Scar. Scar was in love with him. He was… gay? Some form of Queer, he’d figure that out later. There were a lot of things for him to process right now.

The one thing he did know, is that he really wanted to kiss Scar right now. Apologise first. Beg for forgiveness if he had to. Then kiss him.

His sister nudged him, standing up. “What do you say we get something for lunch now, huh? Takeout?”

A grin pulled at Grian’s cheeks. He nodded.

They had a lot more they needed to discuss. 

一一一一一一一一一一一

Scar came home.

It was really awkward.

Grian was sitting in the living room when he heard the latch on their front door open. His roommate had shuffled inside and their eyes locked on to the other. Neither spoke. Both clearly not expecting the other’s presence. 

Words ached to escape from Grian’s lips.

Scar broke away first, quickly turning and fleeing to his room. His head down. 

He was looking worse for wear. His eyes were a little puffy. Not that Grian looked any better. There had been more time spent wrapping his head around newer revelations than showering. 

Yes, he was scared his confession might ruin their friendship and he’d lose Scar. That was always a possibility. But he was also terrified at the idea of never saying anything and letting this opportunity pass by. Scar would most likely move on and get a boyfriend. 

And, as made extremely apparent to him on numerous occasions, Grian was not too fond of sharing.

The next few days were spent in an excruciating silence. Shuffling uncomfortably past the other in the narrow hallway. Neither were willing to break the silence first.  Scar chose to lock himself in his room. 

God. Grian missed Scar. It felt like a part of him was missing. The apartment that was so usually full of laughter was completely empty. No warmth. It wasn’t right. He wanted his roommate back. He wanted nothing more than to march up to his bedroom door, barge in, take Scar’s head in his hands and force him to talk. 

He missed his voice.

But what was he even meant to say? 

‘Hey Scar, I know I’ve been a complete and utter prick to you for the past couple of weeks but that was only because I unknowingly wanted your tongue in my mouth this whole time. Please talk to me again!’

Ugh.

As much as Grian enjoyed wallowing in his den of self pity, he was beginning to grow a bit tired of staring at his bedroom walls all day. Usually when he was this bored he would seek out Scar and they would play a game or prank call Jimmy or something. Not that he had that option right now. Unfortunately.

Changing scenery might give him a good distraction, might even make him feel slightly productive too. He didn’t bother to tidy his bed-head. It wasn’t like anyone was going to see him anyway. He moved to the living room, plopping himself on the cushions under a blanket. Well that had taken up all his energy. 

He clumsily felt around for the remote, zoning out as he flicked through the channels for any kind of mind-numbing show he could turn his brain off to. Arriving at the movie channels, familiar yellow text moved up the screen as intense music played in the background. It was the start of ‘Star Wars: A New Hope’. 

Scar liked Star Wars. He wanted to cry.

Grian settled in, bringing his knees up so he was sitting in a tight ball. Guess this is what he was watching.

…

click

What was that?

His ears perked up as he heard the squeak of a door opening, followed by soft footsteps shuffling their way through the hallway towards him. 

Looking up, he locked eyes with Scar. He was peaking around the corner, attention flicking between Grian and the television screen. This would have been incredibly amusing if Grian wasn’t terrified out of his mind. Alarm bells rang in his ears. 

Okay. 

Play it cool. No sudden movements. Let him come to you.

His roommate hesitantly moved towards the sofa. Sitting on the other side, leaving a considerable distance between the pair. Grian stared at Scar. Scar stared at the screen.

Alright. Cool. 

It was strange to watch these films in silence, without Scar’s commentary running throughout. A part of Grian thinks maybe that’s what he’s always enjoyed most about watching them; seeing Scar frantically explain his favourite pieces of lore, his eyes widening and hands gesturing with excitement, mouthing the words of the script line by line under his breath like he didn’t even realise he was doing it. Silence felt wrong. 

This was the most he had seen his roommate in the past week. First time really seeing him since discovering his hidden crush on the man.

And, god , did it make him feel stupid for not noticing it before. Obviously he had a crush on Scar. Look at him! Even with his darkened under eyes and creased pyjama top, he was still breathtaking. Grian watched the way the light flickered in his eyes, the way his long lashes dusted his cheek when he blinked, the way his mouth parted slightly as he breathed. 

He really was in love with him.

Grian turned his attention back to the screen, filled with new determination. He was not about to lose Scar. He wouldn’t lose him to some other guy, or because of his own actions. He wanted Scar and he was going to fight for him. 

Biding his time, he let the movie play on until the credits started to roll. Raising the remote, he turned off the tv.

“Wha-“ Scar’s face fell into a look of utter dismay. Mouth hung open loosely, whining. “Griaan, no. The music. You cut off the music-“

“Please.” He urged. “We need to talk, buddy.” 

Scar nodded, whispering a weak “Yeah.”

He had not planned anything he wanted to say, but that didn’t matter. 

“I am so, so, so sorry.” Words began to flow. “I have been such a dick to you. And I don’t expect you to forgive me for anything I have done. I completely messed up, and I let my feelings get the best of me. I said some really awful things to your friend. I took it too far, you were uncomfortable in your own house for god’s sake. That’s not right, Scar-” 

“The truth is…” He scrunched his eyes shut and took a deep breath. “I was jealous.” 

…

Scar faintly laughed. 

Grian peeked an eye open, confused. Why was he not yelling at him? Leaving in disgust?

“G, you don’t have to be jealous,” His roommate smiled at him. Why did he look slightly pained? “It’s not like you’d have any trouble finding anyone to sleep with you.”

Oh. He didn’t get it. Right.

“No- Scar.” Okay. Here it goes. “I wasn’t jealous of you, I was jealous of them .”

“What?”

The smile from Scar’s face had fallen. Grian continued.

“I didn’t like seeing other guys with you because I wanted to be the guy with you…” 

“What?!” Scar’s eyes were wider than he’d ever seen them before. “But you’re straight!”

“I know! That’s what I thought too!” Grian exclaimed. “Apparently not as much as I thought.”

Scar stared at him in disbelief.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” 

Grian chuckled, the situation seeming a lot more funnier now. “To be honest… I thought I was homophobic?” 

He pulled out his phone, swiping to show Scar the Reddit posts. His roommate gently took the phone and began to read.

Spikes of adrenaline still flooded through Grian as he waited. Nervous for his crush’s reaction. He fiddled with the blanket on his lap.

Scar started laughing again. Really, truly laughing. 

“Wow, G,” He wiped a fake tear from his eye. “I never expected you to be the jealous type.” 

Grian started to laugh too. Yeah this was pretty hilarious. They both sat for a few moments, nervous giggling filling the room. It was the first sound the apartment had really heard in days.

“Y’know-“ Scar’s laughter trailed off first, still smiling. “I’ve been flirting with you all this time thinking you were just some oblivious straight guy.” 

Grian giggled. “The flirting was real?” 

“The flirting was real!” Scar declared, shaking Grian’s shoulders. 

They broke into an uncontrollable fit of laughter once again. Snorting as their faces burned redder.

“I’m sorry I kept bringing those guys back.” He took Grian’s hand into his own. They were warm. “I really tried to get over you…”

“Honestly,” Grian sighed, rubbing his thumb along scarred knuckles. “If I never saw you with them I might not have even noticed my feelings at all. It really brought something out in me.”

…

“Just don’t do it again.” 

Scar saluted with his free hand. “Yes, sir! Not planning on it.”

God, he had missed him. He missed them. Together. This is the way it always should have been. They settled into a gentle silence, basking in the others' touch.

Grian spoke up, nervous again.

 “I’ve never really… done this before.” He swallowed. “Up until a few days ago I was completely straight, so this is all a bit… new.”

Scar nodded, squeezing his hand. Letting him continue.

“But what I do know is that I really like you, Scar.” Grian smiled, liking the way those words felt coming out of his mouth. “I love you.”

Tears welled in the green eyes staring at him, threatening to spill over.

“I love you too, G.” 

They bumped their foreheads together, breaths mingling through teary laughter. 

Yes, this was where Grian needed to be. This is where he belonged. He didn’t care about those guys anymore, didn’t care for the voice in his head questioning his sexuality. That didn’t matter. 

Scar was right in front of him. Scar was in his arms. Scar loved him back.

Grian took Scar’s face in his hands. Fingers gently caressing rosy skin. He delicately trailed over long eyelashes, to the strong bridge of his nose, down to soft pink lips. His thumb tenderly swiped across the scarred skin of his top lip. Scar’s tongue darted out, leaving a slight shimmer behind. 

He took a shaky breath and lifted his head to see lidded eyes staring back at him.

“We don’t have to do anything if you’re not ready.” Scar’s voice was barely above a whisper. “Figuring this stuff out can take time.”

“… Scar?”

“Yeah, Grian?”

He crashed their lips together.

Now, the kisses Grian had experienced in the past were good. They were fine. Nothing to write about. But this? Oh god, this .

His eyes rolled back as their lips hungrily took the other’s in. Starving. Mind emptied as he let his desire take control. Hands trailed from Scar’s cheek to the nape of his neck, slotting his fingers between brown hair and pulling him closer. 

Scar’s gasp was swallowed as Grian began to lick into his mouth. Not giving him a second to think. It was slightly messy, but that was okay. He had never kissed a guy before. Never kissed Scar before. But now that he had started he didn’t think he could ever bring himself to stop.

Large, warm hands moved to his hips and teetered under the material of his shirt, snaking to the small of his back and pulling him forward. They fell.

Grian shot his hands out, catching himself. He took a sharp breath. Scar was caged below him, cheeks rosy and lips parted. His hair was splayed out against the cushions as his chest rose madly. He could feel the breath on his face. A smile tugged at Grian’s face.

“Hey.”

“Hey, yourself.”

They dove in for more.

It was slightly difficult to kiss in between fits of giggles, but they made it work. Teeth knocked together clumsily but Grian couldn’t bring himself to care. He was so, so happy. He wouldn’t have to be jealous anymore. Scar was his. He was Scar’s. No more unwanted hookups in the apartment. It could just be them.

Scar hummed as he wrapped his arms around him, forcing Grian to fall further and put his entire weight on the other’s chest. He hesitantly let his hands wander under Scar’s shirt, following the groves of muscle. It was slightly different from when he had been with women before, but a good different. Definitely a good different.

Grian did not feel ready to take what they had any further just yet, comfortable with kissing for now. Not that he’d think Scar would mind. He was pretty certain Scar would wait a lifetime for him. And then some. He smiled further into the kiss, mind drifting away to thoughts of waking up to Scar every day, quick kisses before leaving for work, almost burning dinner after getting a bit carried away against the counter. 

Yeah. That sounded really nice.

They stayed like that for a while. Hands exploring the other as golden sun moved across the wall, room dimming as it dipped below the horizon. The gleam of the street lamps and towering buildings cast a subtle warm glow into the apartment. Encompassing them in a comforting warmth. 

Grian broke the kiss and Scar whined, head lifting as he chased after his lips. 

He laughed fondly, pushing the other back down with a hand on his shoulder. He was on a high he would never come down from. 

“I love you.” Grian said. Just to say it, really. 

Scar’s eyes wandered around his face. He knew he probably looked a mess. The heat of his face making itself known and uncombed curls falling over his vision. Scar thought he was beautiful.

“I love you too.” 

Grian buried his face into Scar’s chest as they wrapped their arms around each other. A quiet washed over the room while they took turns breathing. Lazing in the rise and fall of the other. Scar traced random lines along his back, making his eyelids flutter shut. This is where he wanted to stay forever. He hummed as he nuzzled further into the warm skin below.

He laughed quietly to himself. He was so happy he wasn’t homophobic. A bit mortified at that thought. No therapy was needed in the end, thank goodness.

He could figure out the technicalities later. More apologies would need to be given out, slightly wincing at the thought (Sorry, Bdubs). But that didn’t matter right now. He had all the time in the world. He smiled.

Scar broke the silence first. “Can we put the rest of Star Wars back on now?”

Grian cackled. 

一一一一一一一一一一一

r/relationships

  u/peskybirdz  1 min. ago

UPDATE (PART TWO): Me [25M] with my roommate of 1 year [26M], I’m worried I might be homophobic towards him?  

I’m an idiot.