Chapter Text
Drowning .
Most days, it felt like he was sitting on the edge of a large, deep pond, and any second - he was due to fall in. Or he’d slipped and now had to swim his way back to the surface, feeling like he’d never make it. On good days, he could at least wade around in the shallow end, head just bobbing above the water, but he never managed to get out of the pond.
Sometimes the thoughts pushed him underneath the water, struggling to get air back in his lungs.
It was deafening; he’d claw and kick in an effort to make his way to the land.
No one ever saw the bubbles, leaving him to fight on his own and then – the worst day came.
His body was heavy. Far heavier than it’d ever been.
You’re weak , a voice hissed at him. Useless .
No – please not now. His head pounded and a choked sob hit him, shoulders shaking. There was a rough taste in his mouth, almost making him gag as he felt trickle down to the back of his throat. Swallowing hard before clumsily rising up like a newborn deer.
God, what was happening to him?
Thoughts muffled, fumbling with something between his fingers, and then –
Silence .
He was floating, staring at the now lit screen and typing. Sloppy, quick.
@backstreetspup: pls come. i need hlp
@screamingtotheabyss: dude what
@screamingintotheabyss: stan? what the fuck? what’s wrong?
@backstreetpup: im sorry
…
Kyle Broflovski had never felt his heart drop as quickly as it did when the shared group-chat suddenly lit up. His breath seemed to remain stuck in the back of his throat before he snatched the car keys from his bedside table, barely registering when another message popped in. Kyle didn’t know what lengths Stan went to, but he could only hope – almost praying – he’d make it on time.
Fear – anger and panic gripped him like a vice as he drove until the house came into view, shoving the gear shift into park and bolting inside, using the familiar route to Stan’s window.
“Stan–?”
Nothing. Not a word.
“Dude, where are-”
Kyle nearly tripped over his own two feet before horror gripped him like a vice. Bile almost rose in his throat at the prone form of his best friend on the ground. Fresh, hot tears pricked at his eyes but he couldn’t slow down now and easily pulled Stan into his arms, making the beeline back to the car.
How could he have done this?
“Goddamnit, Stan! Why didn’t-” He growled, only to flinch as Stan suddenly groaned. “Du- Stan?”
“Mng… - ‘m tired–”
“Don’t you fucking- Stan! Come on, dude… you have to keep your eyes open!”
Except he needed the hospital and fast. Kyle shakily exhaled as he moved to reach the driver’s side, only for his attention to be caught on–
“ Kenny ?”
The blond gave a silent wave and approached the car with a small, flickering smile on his face.
“Let me drive, Ky,” Kenny spoke, words muffled a bit against his parka. “Why don’t you sit in the back with Stan?”
Kyle stared for a second before a small nod followed, climbing onto the backseat of the car and dug out a small, first-aid kit underneath the passenger’s side. He rolled out a bit of gauze and stuck it down against the injury, keeping his hands pressed down in order to stop the blood. The drive felt too long but he couldn’t help wondering if he had only managed to make it sooner .
Instead of trying to keep Stan awake in the backseat of his car.
“I’m not going to let you die on me, asshole!” He shouted right as Kenny suddenly spoke, “we’re here, baby. You got him?”
“... yeah. Yeah , I’ve got him.”
…
Beep beep beep .
Ugh.
What happened?
His eyelids strained too open and he could feel something poking into his skin, like pinpricking needles. Stan groaned before trying to move, but his body flared in discomfort. As if he’d been lying down for too long.
“-- mm. Wher’m I?”
He startled as he felt something move, only to glance up and notice Kyle and Kenny both sitting by his bedside. Except this wasn’t his room.
This was the hospital.
Kyle had his head resting on his arms, tucked awkwardly in a position which had to be uncomfortable but Kenny remained up, the blond smiling at Stan like–
“How’d I-” Stan’s voice felt raspy. “... when’d I get there?”
“You don’t remember?”
Stan swallowed nervously as he wondered whether to admit his memory was too fuzzy. Hell, his hands still looked like they’d been blurred out of existence. “N- Uh, I just…”
“Stan? Hey,” Kenny murmured, placing a hand on his partner’s shoulder. “ Breathe , it’s okay. I’ve got you.”
“I don’t- I don’t know.”
“It’s okay. You scared Kyle pretty bad though,” his shorter boyfriend frowned.
“What- Kenny, what do you mean?”
“Stan, I don’t want to freak you out but how much… do you recall?”
“My parents got into it again,” Stan admitted, hands clenched at his sides. The fabric of his hospital gown suddenly felt too tight and he wanted nothing more than to tear it off. “And then my thoughts- they just got too loud and I really can't seem to figure out what happened after.”
“You– I don’t know what you were trying to do, but you tried killing yourself.”
…
“What?” Stan asked weakly. “I wasn’t-”
“I’m not blaming you, but those messages- we thought you wouldn’t make it.” Kenny sighed.
“A-And Kyle?”
“He was the one who got there first.”
No – oh fuck .
Stan stared wide-eyed at Kenny before shakily exhaling, “I didn’t mean for this to happen. I wasn’t- If you want to leave…”
Kenny was silent and for a second, Stan feared the worst. Until he saw Kenny’s eyes soften as the blond cupped Stan’s cheeks with both hands.
“Oh, honey, no. Don’t ever think like that.”
Stan couldn’t bring himself to say anything, simply crumpling into sobs while Kenny held him.
Kyle had to hope what he’d seen was just a nightmare. His chest rose and fell with each breath, only to stir at the sound of – was that crying ? He pushed himself upright before his attention caught on Stan and Kenny, lips pursed together in a tight line.
Stan was alive .
A wave of emotions hit him at once and the only thing he wanted to do was punch Stan. Misplaced anger because why hadn’t he told them anything sooner? Why did he let it fester?
“Kyle,” Stan muttered once he noticed the redhead looking at him with an unreadable expression. “Listen, I-”
“You idiot . How could you think we wouldn’t- that I wouldn’t care if you were struggling?”
“I didn’t want to bring that weight on you! No one wants somebody who’s broken .” Stan shot back.
Silence hit the room right as Kyle growled, moving to grab Stan by the shoulders and shaking him lightly.
“Stan! We love you. Even with this, we aren’t- we care , Stan.”
“... I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Stan got out, voice barely treading above a whisper.
“We can get through this. Together,” Kyle insisted, taking one of Stan’s hands in his and the other with Kenny. “Fuck, man. I just wish you would’ve said something sooner before it got this bad but you’re stuck with us for the long run.”
Even if it took a long time, Stan wouldn’t be alone.
And for a fleeting second, he believed it.