Work Text:
INT. Trapdog House - Living Room
Trapdog sits watching TV and laughing.
On the TV plays Abraham Lincoln and Jefferson Davis competing in a surf contest as surf music plays. Suddenly, the screen scrambles to static before reforming to show the wheelchair bound DOC POTTER.
Doc Potter: Hello Trapdog, remember me?
Trapdog: Lol no.
Doc Potter: Let me give you a hint. I gave you the honor to help in my experiment proving the theory of evolution. Instead, you made a mess of it and ruined my precious Gargantua.
Trapdog: Ohhh, you’re Mr. Horse. Have you gotten help for your issues with women?
Doc Potter: No, I am not a talking horse, of course. Anyway, I’ve now a new cause - revenge!
The channel changes, to a clown throwing pies at a sad old man. It then scrambles and goes back to Potter.
Doc Potter: I said, I’ve found a new cause, revenge! I am issuing you a challenge - to prove what is superior, your obnoxiousness or my genius.
Trapdog: Okay. That sounds fun.
Ext. Street
A crowd of people line the sidewalk wait and murmur as Trapdog arrives.
Doc Potter sits at the end, maliciously grinning, Gargantua right beside him next to a large crate.
Doc Potter: Ah, Trapdog, so good to see you. I hope you’re prepared for the fight of your life! You see, I have worked long and hard to - what the!?
Trapdog is laughing as he watches a Surf Lincoln YouTube poop on his phone, before Potter grabs it.
Doc Potter: Give me that! As I was saying, I’ve worked to beat you at your own game. You are now obsolete! I present to you, MechaTrapdog!
Gargantua takes a crowbar to the crate to open it.
The crowd GASPS at what’s inside.
Whatever’s inside slowly comes out, electronic clicking and clankering with every step it takes.
Once it’s fully out, there stands MECHATRAPDOG, a robotic doppelgänger of Trapdog.
Doc Potter: That’s right, thanks to my genius, MechaTrapdog is not just your equal, but your superior! More Trapdog than Trapdog. It can disrespect women far more efficiently than you ever could!
Trapdog opens his mouth in shock.
Doc Potter: Now, let’s turn things over to our celebrity host, Ted McGinley!
There’s polite applause as he takes the stage.
Ted McGinley: Okay folks, so how it works is whoever makes more women cry wins, and gets this trophy and a $20 gift card to Chili’s. We have a scoreboard to keep, uh, score. So, without further ado, let’s begin!
Trapdog goes up a woman.
Trapdog: Miss, you’re the kind of girl every guy dreams of at night - because it’s better than seeing you in the light!
She cries and runs away.
MechaTrapdog approaches a woman.
MechaTrapdog: You-have-a-Roman-nose-it-roams-all-over-your-face.
The woman dies and runs.
Trapdog: That’s a nice haircut -
Girl: Oh, thank you!
Trapdog: -for a clown to have, at the circus.
The woman cries and runs away.
MechaTrapdog: Madame-your-butt-is-as-large-as [searching for object of immense size] [object found] Jupiter’s-moon-Ganymede.
The woman cries and runs.
Trapdog: You look like a million dollars - after taxes!
The cries and runs away.
Doc Potter: Damn Trapdog, you’re mistaken if you think you’re a match for MechaTrapdog.
He turns to Gargantua, who adjusts the settings on the remote.
MechaTrapdog: You-have-the-face-of-a-saint-not-the-religious-kind-but-rather-the-breed-of-dog-known-as-Saint-Bernard.
The woman cries and runs.
Doc Potter: Haha, you can’t win, Trapdog. You see, I programmed an understanding and empathy for women in it. It can thus understand, and as such disrespect, women in a way you never could!
Trapdog is shocked, but regains his resolve.
Trapdog: Don’t worry, brains aren’t everything - in your case, they’re nothing!
Woman: Oh my God how could you say that!?
MechaTrapdog: Miss-I-believe-you-are-afraid-of-apples-due-to-hearing-your-uncle-died-of-appleplexy.
The woman cries and runs.
Trapdog: You’re like an angel - always up in the air and harping on something!
The woman cries and runs.
MechaTrapdog: M’am, you truly give word to the Chinese proverb that women are like a disastrous flood.
Woman: A flood!?
She runs away crying.
A visibly tired Trapdog approaches a woman.
Trapdog; You…huff…you’re much too…huff…big in the…the…
Woman (impatient): The what!?
Trapdog: …the…second…huff…
She groans and walks away in annoyance.
Trapdog collapses out of exhaustion, and looks up to see a stampede of women run from MechaTrapdog.
Doc Potter: Haha, Trapdog is getting tired already, while my MechaTrapdog still has unlimited energy to spare! This contest is already over! Finish him!
MechaTrapdog talks to a woman making a painting.
MechaTrapdog: Miss,-your-attempt-at-art-bzzt -
MechaTrapdog stops and jitters, its head rotating around before stopping.
MechaTrapdog: -reminds-one-of-Mustafa-Kemal-Atatürk’s-observation-that-everything-we-see-in-the-world-is-the-creative-work-of-women.
Doc Potter: What?
Trapdog sees this, and gains new resolve, going up to a woman.
Trapdog: M’am, I can tell you’re not two faced-
Woman: Oh, thank you-
Trapdog: -because if you had two, why would you be wearing that one jajaja!
She cries and runs away.
MechaTrapdog: Miss, your smile is as beautiful as the morning sun.
Woman: Aww, thank you!
Doc Potter: No! Damn you you synthetic simp, you’re supposed to be insulting these women, not making them feel better about themselves!
Trapdog: Greetungs madame, you may never have made it into Who’s Who, but you’re a sure in for Who’s Through!
The woman cries and runs.
Potter growls and turns to Gargantua.
Doc Potter: More power to the cyborg!
Gargantua presses a button on a remote.
MechaTrapdog talks to an older woman.
MechaTrapdog: Madame-do-not-despair-remember-Ralph-Waldo-Emerson’s-words-the-age-of-a-woman-doesn't-mean a thing.-The-best-tunes-are-played-on-the-oldest-fiddles.
Doc Potter: No, no!
He grabs the remote from Gargantua and presses it repeatedly.
MechaTrapdog starts going haywire, glitching and sputtering about.
MechaTrapdog: Error! Error!
As MechaTrapdog spins about, sparks flying off, Trapdog grabs MechaTrapdog’s head and twists it.
Its eyes flash as the head pops off.
Thr headless body sputters about before it EXPLODES, the remains falling into a nearby lake. He then kicks the head in as well.
Doc Potter: No! Damn you, Trapdog. I’ll get you next time! Next time!
Gargantua wheels him away.
Ted McGinley comes over to Trapdog and hands him a small trophy.
Ted McGinley: Okay Trapdog, you won, here’s your trophy and the Chili’s giftcard will come in the mail.
A woman comes over and embraces Trapdog.
Woman: Thank you, Trapdog, for defeating MechaTrapdog and proving that real life will always be superior to artificial life by being better at disrespecting wome-…hey, wait a minute…that’s not something to celebrate!
She whistles.
Woman: C’mon girls, let’s get him!
The women form a mob with torches and pitchforks.
Trapdog (panicked): Jaja!
He runs as the mob chases after him.
Epilogue
Narrator: Days later, an undersea expedition sets out to recover the remains of the mechanical marvel.
Megan Bacon sits at the shore watching a sub.
Int. Sub
A scientist looks at a diagram of MechaTrapdog on the wall.
Captain: We’re here. This is the area where we start our search.
Scientist: We’d better submerge. We’ll start when we get down there.
Captain: Understood. Start the descent.
A klaxon sounds as the ship descends beneath the waves.
The sub glides through the body of water, near schools of fish.
The crew consults a map.
Scientist: The wreck of MechaTrapdog must be scattered around somewhere near here. If we find it, look especially for the head, and pick it up carefully.
Crewman: Understood.
Crewman #2: Depth 200 meters. Switch on the deep sea light.
The sub is now bathed in red lights.
Captain: The search lights are on. Commence the search.
Megan continues to watch the shore, the sub seen in her eye.
The crew sees the empty lake floor on the screen.
Scientist: Are you sure we have the correct location?
Captain: I’m quite sure we’re in the right area.
Scientist: And still no sign of MechaTrapdog…
The sub continues its search when nearby, a tail flaps.
The flaps create a current that entangles the sub.
Inside the sub, everything shakes violently.
The scientists SCREAM as the sub becomes caught in a whirlpool. Breaks in the wall have water leaking in.
The whirlpool brings the sub to the surface.
SOLOMON the seal shoots out of the lake right next to it and ROARS.
He SLAMS down on the sub, dragging it down to the bottom of the lake, holding it until it EXPLODES, roaring triumphantly afterwards.