Chapter Text
(Noah’s POV)
Lucas Alonzo and I couldn’t have been more different.
I was the campus playboy. Always laughing, always chasing skirts, always making noise in the back row of our architecture lectures.
Lucas? He was the kind of guy professors adored: quiet, brilliant, meticulous. He was the first to finish plates, the first to ace exams. The golden boy.
Maybe that’s why I noticed him. Maybe I got tired of girls who fell too easily for my charms. Or maybe I was just reckless enough to wonder what it would be like to touch someone like Lucas.
So one afternoon, after class, I don’t know what got into me that day when I leaned against his drafting table and said, half-joking, “Alonzo, ever tried it with a guy? Gusto mo, tayo na lang.”
I expected his angry face. A glare. Maybe even a punch. But Lucas just looked up at me, his eyes calm, almost amused.
“Okay,” he said.
I laughed nervously. “Wait, what? Okay? Like, seriously?”
“Seriously,” he said, packing up his pens. “But on one condition.”
I frowned. “Condition?”
“No feelings,” Lucas said firmly, eyes meeting mine. “No strings attached. Just sex. Do you understand?”
I swallowed, something inside me is thinking if this is really happening but since I’m already in this situation so why not just go with the flow. “So, fuck buddies?” I said with a grin.
He nodded once. “Yes. No one falls, especially you. This is just a game. That’s the rule.”
And I, stupid as ever, grinned more. “Yabang naman, ako pa talaga? Don’t worry Alonzo, sanay akong makipaglaro. Deal.”
________________________________________________________________
The first night was awkward. I was nervous because it was also my first time with a man, but my nervousness disappeared when I saw that he was even more nervous than I was.
I tried to suppress my laugh but he noticed and glared at me. My nerves turned into excitement, the kind that comes from the novelty of being with someone I never thought I would touch. Especially because it was Lucas Alonzo, the golden boy.
Despite his nervousness, he was actually good. Too good. It felt like it was not his first time with a guy after all. He was steady, rough sometimes, but also gentle in ways he did not need to be. He held me like I was his real lover, even though he had already told me this was just a game.
For the first time, I felt the pleasure of being with a man, and it was different from being with a girl.
“Grabe, Alonzo, ang galing mo pala bro. Akala ko first time mo din sa lalaki pero bihasa ka pala,” I teased.
“That was my first time,” he answered, and it surprised me.
“Oh, hindi halata.”
“I am just good at everything.”
I laughed. “Ah, oo nga pala, Mr. Dean’s Lister. The best ka talaga sa lahat. Ang sarap, nag-enjoy ako.”
That should have been the first warning sign. I got addicted to whatever we were doing.
I thought I would get tired of it after a few months, but days turned into months, and months into two whole years. Every moment we spent together felt less like a game. At least for me. I was starting to forget who we really were to each other.
I told myself I liked the sex, but what I really craved was everything that came after.
Lying on his bed, wearing his jacket when the air was too cold, breathing in his scent like I was an addict. That jacket became mine in secret. Every time I slipped it on, I felt closer to him.
Sometimes we would just talk. Stupid things at first, my flirty nonsense and his dry comebacks. But then we would slip into deeper conversations. Childhood dreams, the buildings we wanted to design one day, the little fears we would never admit to anyone else.
He would trace lines on my arm absentmindedly while I rambled, until I fell asleep mid-sentence and he would chuckle softly, like he cared for me when he should not.
Other nights, he would sit at his desk sketching while I sprawled on his bed, pretending not to watch. Music would play low in the background, and I would catch myself memorizing every part of his face, especially the way he looked when he was focused.
Sometimes he would make instant noodles at two in the morning and slide the bowl toward me without a word. “Kain ka,” he would say, and I would tease him for acting like my mother while enjoying every bite of it. Or he would adjust the blanket around me when I dozed off first, like he could not help but be gentle with me.
I liked those moments too much.
None of those were part of the deal. We agreed: no strings attached, no feelings, no falling in love. But how could I not fall, when everything we did outside of sex felt so much more than what we really were?
Fuck buddies. That was our only label.
“Lucas,” I said one night, breaking the unspoken rule.
He was sitting beside me, hair still damp from the shower.
He glanced at me. “Hmm?”
“Do you… do you have someone you like?”
His hand stilled. Then he sighed, looking away. “Why are you asking me that?”
“I’m just curious, you know. Come on, tell me.” I asked jokingly even though I was scared to know his answer. But I really needed to know.
He was silent for a while, then said, “Yes, I have someone I’ve liked for a long time.”
My chest tightened. “So there is someone.” I laughed, but my heart was breaking. “Akala ko ako lang.” I tried to make it sound like a joke, but my voice cracked a little.
Finally, Lucas looked at me, eyes cold.
“Noah… why are you acting like this? Alam mo naman mula sa simula kung ano tayo. We agreed, remember? No strings attached. Fuck buddies lang tayo. No one should fall.”
I laughed again, though my throat ached as I tried hard not to cry. “Yeah, I know. Joke lang yun, bro. Ba’t ang seryoso mo?”
He didn’t answer.
I stood, grabbed his jacket from the chair, and hugged it to my chest. “Alis muna ako, may aasikasuhin lang ako. Next time na lang uli.”
And I left, pressing his jacket against me as my tears finally fell.
Tanga mo talaga, Noah. Sabi na ngang fuck buddy lang eh. No feelings nga diba. Ba’t ka umiiyak ngayon? Tigas kasi ng ulo mo eh.
________________________________________________________________
The next day in class, I saw him sitting in his usual seat, head bent over his notes like always.
I forced myself to smile, hoping he’d look up. Hoping he’d give me even the smallest glance. But he didn’t. Not once.
My chest tightened. I pulled out my phone under the desk.
Noah: Bro, di mo ba ako nakita?
No reply.
Noah: Huy, ba’t di ka namamansin?
Still nothing.
Noah: Lucas, may problema ba?
Noah: Lucas…..
He didn’t even check his phone. Didn’t even flinch. The whole class, it felt like I was invisible.
Then, when I was about to give up, my phone buzzed.
Lucas: Let’s talk after class.
I had a bad feeling. I already knew what that meant.
When our last class ended, he stood up from his seat and walked fast. I followed, like some desperate shadow. We slipped into an empty classroom, the door shutting behind us. There was silence until he said the words that broke me.
“Let’s end this.”
I froze. My throat went dry. “What? Bakit? Ok naman tayo, diba?” My voice cracked. I hated how weak I sounded.
“You broke the rule.”
My fists clenched tight. I wanted to argue, to deny, but I couldn’t. He was right. And that was the worst part.
His eyes were steady, colder than I’d ever seen them. “We agreed, Noah. No strings attached. Pero ikaw… you’re starting to want something I can’t give. I can’t have a relationship with you.”
I forced a laugh, though my chest was hurting. “Lucas, hindi totoo yan. Wala akong hinihingi sayo.”
His voice cut sharper. “Then why did you ask me if I liked someone? That wasn’t part of the deal. You’re crossing the line.”
I swallowed hard, panic choking me. “So… dahil lang dun? Gusto mo na akong i-cut off? Ganun lang ba kadali sayo?”
He looked away for the first time, jaw tight like he was holding something back. “It’s better this way. Before it gets worse.”
I felt a desperation I never felt before. I stepped closer. “Worse? Eh anong tingin mo sa dalawang taon na yun, ha? Puro laro lang?!”
His jaw clenched, and his answer shattered me. “Yes. Because it is clear to me from the beginning that this is just sex. Don’t make this harder, Noah.”
My throat burned. My heart screamed for me to fight, to tell him he was lying, but I couldn’t breathe past the pain that I was feeling.
“Wala ka man lang naramdaman kahit konti?” My voice was barely a whisper, trembling. Begging.
He didn’t answer.
And that silence… that silence told me everything I needed to know.
After that day, we never spoke again. In front of everyone else, I went back to my old self. The loud, playful Noah who laughed too much and flirted with every girl in sight. But inside, I was breaking. Every smile felt fake, every laugh hollow.
The only thing that kept me from falling apart completely was the jacket. His jacket. He never asked for it back, and I never returned it. It became my only comfort, the only piece of him I was allowed to keep.
At night, when the pain was too much, I hugged it tight and buried my face in the fabric. His scent still clung to it, faint but familiar, and I would cry until I felt better, pretending for a moment that he was mine.
But he never was.
And he never will be.
After our graduation, I learned that he had gone to Australia for further studies. I cried that day, not because he left, but because he didn’t even say anything to me. Not even a simple goodbye. It was as if the two years we spent together never happened.
That day, I made a promise to myself. That it would be the last time I cried because of him. That I would erase him completely, like he never existed in my life.
And if someday fate decided to let me see him again, I would smile, stand tall, and tell myself that I was already happy.
________________________________________________________________
(Lucas’s POV)
I told Noah from the start: no strings attached, no feelings, no falling in love.
I told him that to protect him. Not from me, but from what I already knew. I didn’t have forever to give.
The doctors had given me years, maybe less. And I didn’t want to tie anyone down to my sickness, my eventual death. Especially not Noah. Not Noah with his bright laugh, his reckless heart, his warmth that made every pain I felt bearable.
So when he half-joked about trying it with me, I said yes. Because it was easier than admitting the truth. That I already wanted him. Easier than confessing that I had loved him long before he ever noticed me.
For two years, I got to hold him, kiss him, pretend I was just another man in love. Those were the happiest years of my life.
But then he broke the rule.
He fell for me.
I wanted to be happy. I wanted to pull him into my arms and tell him everything: that the person in my heart was him all along, that it had always been him. But how could I, when I couldn’t promise him a lifetime?
So I kept my silence. I let him believe I have someone else in my heart. Because maybe that was kinder than telling him the truth: that I was already dying, and all I wanted was a little borrowed time with him.
When I saw him walk away with my jacket, it hurt more than the illness eating me alive. Because I knew then that I could never let this continue. If he loved me any deeper, it would destroy him when I was gone.
I wanted him to treat this as just a game, to see me as someone passing through his life, nothing more. That way, when the end came, it would hurt less. He could move on. Forget me. Find happiness without any trace of me.
Because that’s all I wanted for him, to be happy. Even if it meant erasing myself from his story.
And he would never know that the one I loved all along… was him.