Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

When Nagisa got into Keisetsu high school, he had strong hopes that he would make it into Keisetsu University, one of the top universities in the country. It wasn’t necessarily his dream to go there, but it had a wonderful teaching program that would help him achieve his true dream job, so he was fine with the university that his mother had chosen for him all of those years ago. In fact, dare he say, by the end of the first month, he was actually quite happy.

His roommate was a bit of a handful sometimes- reminding him heavily of Maehara, who he still kept in touch with alongside everyone else from his final year in junior high. His roommate was a ladies man, someone who loved hanging around girls and often brought some over to their shared dormitory. It was extremely awkward for Nagisa at first- especially since not only did his roommate assume he was the sister of one his roommate before finding out he was his roommate, but the first time he returned to the dorms after classes, he’d found his roommate making out with a girl in his bed, and his girl had also assumed he’d brought another girl over, before Nagisa had to clarify, again, that he was, in fact, a boy.

It kind of sucked. His roommate often had to text him to tell him not to come by for a while since he had a lady friend over, which left Nagisa often staying at the university library until it closed.

Thankfully, though, Karma still lived in his huge house alone while attending university, not finding the point in downsizing and sharing his space with some random dude he may not even care for when he had a perfectly fine house that he usually stayed at alone. He was always welcoming of Nagisa when he was basically kicked out of his dorm, even though the commute was a bit long.

Still…his roommate usually followed up with an apology gift of sorts whenever Nagisa had to stay away overnight, usually buying him breakfast or some sort of snack the following day. And he was a genuinely nice guy anyway, so Nagisa didn’t really have any issue with him.

Even so…Nagisa was honestly exhausted after cramming a bunch of study sessions for a big test in one of his classes. He sincerely wanted to return to the dorms and collapse into bed and just turn his brain off for the weekend. After all, there was no homework or study material to look into yet until Monday, when they’d be getting their test results back.

But when he got the familiar text of “hey, I have someone really special over, and I’m hoping we’ll be pulling an all nighter…can you stay somewhere else tonight? Please?” Nagisa wanted to scream. But he sent a thumbs up emoji anyway. He rubbed his temples with a heavy sigh. Karma would still be in classes right now, and he didn’t want to risk distracting him with a message. Being in university, where things were much more challenging, he wanted Karma to focus more on his studies, especially when he was getting so close to his dream job of becoming a bureaucrat. 

He could probably visit his mother, given he’d only exchanged a few messages with her since he started university, but…

I wonder how dad’s doing…

Nagisa felt as though he spoke with his father even less than before. His parents had gotten back together and surprised him with the news during his junior high school graduation…but then they ended up splitting up and informing him of their upcoming divorce on his seventeenth birthday. 

Needless to say, despite Nagisa’s attempts at reaching out to him, his father didn’t really respond all that often, the guilt very evident on his face every time they actually saw each other. It was way worse than before. 

But even though his father left him with his mother a second time, when she was becoming so unstable that she’d grown more physically abusive, Nagisa couldn’t fault his father for it. He just loved him too much to do so.

"Hey dad. Want to meet up for dinner?"

It didn’t take long, but his father ended up responding with kind agreement. Nagisa quickly made the plans with his father as he walked towards the train station, eager to see him again. Maybe after dinner, he could go surprise his mother with a visit. She’d calmed down considerably when he got his acceptance letter to Keisetsu University, and was much sweeter over text than she was in person. He did miss her, regardless, though.

Within half an hour, Nagisa was off the train and headed for his and his father’s favorite yakiniku restaurant. Another thing he hadn’t been to since before he started university. He was starting to get old nostalgic feelings for these places that he used to frequent.

Unsurprisingly, his father was already there, waiting for him.

“Dad!” Nagisa smiled, raising a hand up to get his attention. His father immediately looked over at him and smiled a small, tired, and somewhat sad smile. Nagisa rushed to join him, and sat across from him. “How’s it been?”

“Work’s as tiring as usual,” his dad gave a small, strained laugh. “But what about you? I can’t believe that you’re in college already. Th-though it might be a bit late to say that, huh…the school year started, what, two months ago?”

“More or less,” Nagisa leaned over a little as their plates of raw beef began to arrive. He used his tongs to set some for himself onto the grill connected to the table. “It’s great though. My roommate’s really nice, and everyone is so cool. It really is different from high school. The atmosphere is always so relaxed, even when everyone’s stressed and studying.”

“That’s good. I’m glad you’re having fun,” his dad’s face melted to a genuine smile. “Have you spoken with your mother recently?”

“A little?” Nagisa shrugged. “She wants me to focus on my classes more than anything, but we exchange messages.”

“I see…and how…is she?” His dad seemed to hesitate as he asked, as if afraid to upset Nagisa. “I know it’s been hard ever since we divorced again…but if she does anything to you, then you should talk to me.” He set his own beef on the grill as he spoke, not meeting Nagisa’s inquisitive gaze.

“What do you mean? If she does anything to me?” Nagisa tilted his head to the side as he poked at the beef, before turning each piece over slowly so that it didn’t overcook. “I haven’t seen her since before I left. Mom’s great right now.”

“So over the years…she hasn’t done anything at all?” His father asked quietly.

“No…like I said, mom’s been great.” Nagisa pulled his arm back, using his free hand to touch his twin tails. “I’ve been thinking about cutting my hair soon. I mean, once I’m finished with college, I’ll have my own place to stay officially. And mom knows I’ll be cutting my hair soon.”

“I’m kind of surprised you haven’t already,” his dad commented.

“I am too…I kinda thought that by now I would have, but with everything going on in uni, it’s kind of hard to find the time to do so. Though it would be really nice to stop getting mistaken as a girl,” Nagisa let out an awkward little laugh. His roommate and one of his roommate’s flings aside, a few of his classmates in a few different classes all assumed he was a girl as well.

For some reason, his dad seemed to pale a little at his words. “Ah…they still do? That’s been an issue since elementary school, hasn’t it?”

“I mean, it’s not like I can really blame them…” Nagisa admitted, finally leaning over to take his beef off of the grill and setting it on his plate. He set the tongs down and used his chopsticks to pick one of the thin cut slices up and took a ginger bite. “I’ve accepted that I look like a girl back in junior high. I realized back then that your greatest weakness can become your greatest strength, and I’ve always tried to use that to my advantage…though, I’m not really finding much use for it now.”

“Y-yeah, I’d imagine it’s hard to find use in looking like a girl.” His dad stared at the wall next to them, pointedly ignoring his look. “It’s…troublesome, is it?”

“It is…I mean, not only do I look like a girl, but I think puberty completely skipped over me!” Nagisa complained. “I don’t sound any different from when I was twelve. I guess there’s no helping it though.”

His dad set his tongs down, looking sick to his stomach.

Nagisa’s eyebrows furrowed at the action. “Dad? Dad, your beef’s starting to shrivel up…”

His dad did not respond.

Nagisa grabbed his own tongs and turned his dad’s beef over for him.

“Nagisa,” his dad spoke up, catching his son’s attention. “I…no matter what’s happened to you, you know that I’ll still always love you, right?”

“Of course.” Nagisa replied without missing a beat, a bit confused. But he still smiled. “You wouldn’t have wanted to eat with me otherwise, right?”

“It’s not that I wouldn’t want to, it’s more…I probably don’t deserve to eat with you. You’re my only son, and yet…I allowed so much to happen…” He whispered, covering his face with his hand. “I’m sorry, this is supposed to be a nice reunion, but I just can’t stomach it knowing that you’ve been drugged and lied to-”

“Drugged?” Nagisa stopped moving entirely, staring at his father with an expression growing in concern and confusion. “What…what do you mean? I haven’t been drugged…”

Not since the night mom tried to make me burn E-Class, anyway…

His dad suddenly froze, before slowly lowering his hand from his face, which was getting more and more rapidly white. He looked sick, like he might faint at any moment. And suddenly, alarm bells were ringing in Nagisa. He dropped his chopsticks, sitting upright in terror.

“Dad? When was I drugged? What’s going on?”

“I- I didn’t say drugged, I said rubbed. As in you were rubbed the wrong way…” 

“That doesn’t make any sense at all,” Nagisa frowned. “You definitely said drugged. Dad- please be honest with me. Tell me what you know…”

His father stared at him with sad, wavering eyes before lowering his head and clenching his hands into fists. He seemed to have some sort of internal debate with himself, before raising his head. The only change to his expression were his eyebrows, which had furrowed in determination. His lips pressed slightly tighter together than before, and he released a shaky breath. “Nagisa…are you absolutely sure you want the truth?”

“Yes.” Nagisa stared back at him without any hesitation.

“Then…the truth is…”

_____

Nagisa wasn’t entirely sure when it had started to rain. It was the start of summer, but despite the heatwaves, the summer rains were coming strong, followed by lots of thunder and even lightning. Many people took cover underneath the bus shelters near the bus stops, or inside a nearby store. Others continued on with their day, albeit with an umbrella. 

Nagisa hadn’t cared to check the weather that day; he’d been hoping to be in bed at this point.

Yet, he couldn’t find it in him to care. His mind was racing with what his father had told him mere minutes ago.

“When you were thirteen…your mom gave you some estrogen in secret…”

Nagisa stared down at the ground, only narrowly avoiding other people walking down the sidewalk as his shoes made contact with the growing puddles, splashing softly.

“I don’t know how long she’d done it for, but I guess…it was just until she was satisfied.”

All of this time. He always wondered why he wasn’t growing past 160cm. Despite being a boy, his pelvis was wider than most, which caused him to have hips much more akin to a woman. Why, despite being eighteen years old now, his voice was still as light and airy as it had been when he was twelve.

But now…he wondered if he’d been better off not knowing. If he remained oblivious to his mother’s dark secret. 

Why..? Why me..? Why would she..?!

Of course, he knew why. His mother had always wanted a girl. And him growing up would break his mother out of her delusions. It would shatter the fake reality she had created in her head that she had a daughter. Tears spilled down from his face at a rapid pace, though he could no longer tell what were tears on his face, and what were rain drops. Not that it mattered. Right now, nothing mattered except getting away from his father, and staying away from his mother.

He knew…he knew for years that she was doing that, and he never tried to stop her…he never even told me…and my own mother…

His stomach lurched, and Nagisa stopped running, surrounded by trees and bushes. He turned to the side and retched up the little he’d eaten today. He sometimes thought back to the night he was nearly forced to burn down E-Class, wondering how his mother could so callously drug him and take him to his school like that. Now he knew why. It simply wasn’t her first time doing that to him.

He’d been willing to overlook it back then, since he thought it was a one time thing, and she had truly never done it again after that, even when she descended back to her abusive madness. But now? Now that he knew she was just that comfortable doing it, then what was stopping her from doing it again if he, say, cut his hair and then visited her? What was stopping her from doing that when he would one day graduate, so that he didn’t ever actually leave her?

Absolutely nothing was.

Then what was all of this for? Why was he doing so much for her- going to the schools she chose, wearing his hair long…what was the point of any of it?

A sob wracked through his body, and he sank to his hands and knees, ignoring the slimy mud that soaked the knees of his jeans and squished between his fingers. He stared down at his own vomit blankly, tears dripping down his face and into the mud below. His stomach lurched, but he couldn’t vomit anymore. His heart was beating painfully against his chest, but he wasn’t losing his breath.

“Mom…dad…why..?” Nagisa whispered, thinking back to all of the times that his mother beat him- threw things at him, grabbed him by his hair, kicked him…and all of the times his father only watched him fall apart with a sad expression on his face.

He thought of all of the times he was mistaken for a girl, or worse, paraded around as a girl. He thought of everyone’s amused smiles and laughter, and suddenly, his own words were coming back to bite him.

“Our greatest weaknesses can become our greatest strengths…”

“Bullshit,” Nagisa whispered, clenching his hands into fists in the mud. “It’s all bullshit. Everything’s bullshit!” He sat back up, fully kneeling in the mud as he tilted his head back and stared up at the dark gray clouds and the rain that was coming down heavily. There was the sound of distant thunder, and he could spot faint lightning bolts quite a ways down. Not that it mattered. He gripped his hair tightly in his muddied hands, tugging harshly at it, as if he could just tear it all out and shut out all of the voices in his mind. He didn’t want to hear any of it- his mother’s screeches, his father’s pitiful apologies, his old friends laughter…he wanted all of it to stop ringing in his head.

He shook his head violently and let out an animalistic noise. It might have been a scream. Or a wail. Or even something in the middle of that. But it was loud, raw, and feral. It scratched his throat, but more importantly, it made all of the noises in his mind go silent.

He stayed there for a few minutes longer, before smiling a weak, sardonic smile.

I’m…completely alone, aren’t I?

No one was around. No one would hear him scream. No one would ever hear his agony. Even if he wasn’t sitting halfway up a mountain, no one would be hearing him.

He blinked.

A mountain..? Oh…

He hadn’t realized that his feet carried him all the way here.

Slowly, he dragged himself up, and began the long, muddy trek up the rest of the way. Up the familiar path that he used to find so comforting. In his despair, the moment he reached the top, he could almost see his fellow classmates back in junior high, all hanging around the worn down building, some trying to assassinate their teacher, while Karasuma would be watching with that dry look on his face, and Bitch-sensei would be hanging off of his arm, trying to get his attention.

But of course, such scenery was impossible now.

All he could see was the worn down building and growing weeds. The image was dreary when it was raining so much.

“Korosensei…” Nagisa whispered, trudging forward. His voice was hoarse from screaming earlier, but he didn’t care. He stopped in front of the building, staring up at the roof where Korosensei usually was when he was greeting all of the students who were coming in that day. He could almost see the giant yellow octopus staring down at him with that ever-wide smile. “Korosensei…what do I do..?” 

Korosensei would never respond to him. Would never even know that in trying to help Nagisa, he’d unknowingly made everything worse. But…if he were there, he would also still manage to fix the problem. It really was a shame that he’d died by Nagisa’s hands only a few years prior. Maybe this was his just desserts.

“Tell me…what am I supposed to do now? You’re the only one I can turn to…Korosensei…” Nagisa whispered desperately. He clenched his hands tightly at his side, trembling a little. Within seconds of silence, he punched one of the wooden support beams that was near the entrance of the building. “Korosensei! Come back! I can’t do any of this without you! You said…that you were always there for us, right?!” With every few words he spoke, he punched the wooden support beam over and over again, though this did nothing to the actual support beam, and did way more to his knuckles than anything else. He could feel his skin splitting open with every punch he landed, and he could see the dark maroon splatters on the wood. But this only fueled his desperation. “I need help! I need you! I need…I need somebody…” he dropped his fist and rested his forehead against the wood, all of the fight leaving his body. “Anybody…”

The only answer he could hear was the rain, and the gentle rumbling of thunder.

Slowly, Nagisa sank down onto the steps of the building, just sitting there as the rain continued on. He stared out at the trees with heavy eyes. Yet, every time they drooped shut, he could feel his own warm tears overloading and dripping past his shut eyelids. So he just sat there, unmoving. He felt unmotivated. It wasn’t like he had anywhere to go right now anyway.

His mother was way out of the question- he didn’t even want to be near her. He couldn’t look his father in the eye now either. His dorm was a long ways away, and even if he could go back, his roommate would probably plead with him to stay out because of the girl he brought back.

Logically, he knew he could contact any number of his old classmates. Or even Ritsu. But a mixture of being uncertain as to what they could be doing right now and his own desire to, at the same time, completely isolate himself, prevented him from reaching into his pocket for his phone.

All he could do- all he would do, was sit at the building where he once would refer to as his second home. He couldn’t say that anymore…not when the people who made it a home to him were so far away.

_____

Nagisa wasn’t entirely sure when he’d ended up passing out, but he awoke laying on the steps of the old building, curled up in a fetal position. It was bright and sunny out now- a very stark contrast to the previous evening. His clothes were mostly dried, and the mud that was caked on his hands and in his hair was completely dry. He didn’t need to open his phone to know that he probably looked terrible.

Slowly, he stood up, his body aching from sleeping in such an uncomfortable spot. He took a wobbly step down, and began the trek down the mountain, only derailing from the path to head towards the old makeshift pool.

He felt a flicker of nostalgia when he saw it. Sure, all of the things that made a pool fun were no longer in the water, but the dam itself was still there. He hopped along the rocks on the side, until he got to a large flat one- the one that Korosensei once sat on while watching over the students swimming. He knelt down and looked down at the water, nearly flinching back at his own reflection.

His face was blotchy and red from crying, and he had heavy bags under his eyes- a true testament to the fitful rest he’d had. His hair, while still in their twin tails, was dirty, with some spots being obviously more caked in mud than others. His clothes, being mostly dry, clung awkwardly to his body. It felt stiff and uncomfortable in the summer sun- some spots feeling more humid than others. Not to mention all of the dirt and mud on his clothes.

I can’t go on the train back to the dorms looking like this…

He was sure to make a mess on the train if he went, and he’d undoubtedly get a lot of nasty looks from people. He really didn’t want that. But he couldn’t go back to the Shiota apartment either- nor to his father’s apartment. Neither of those were options. 

He reached his muddy hands down into the water, feebly trying to scrub away the dried mud that had accumulated on them. He winced a little at the uncomfortable feeling, but he was able to at least get his hands clean. He shook them in the air afterwards so that they’d dry faster, before reaching into his pocket and pulling out his phone. To his shock, his battery hadn’t died overnight, and was sitting at a measly 23%. Which was way more than he thought it would be at.

He didn’t have any missed messages either.

Somehow, despite not being surprised, he felt disappointed. But, he reasoned with himself, it wasn’t as if anyone knew that he’d just received some heavy news. Besides, when had he become such an attention whore? Hoping that someone would have just known he was upset and reached out to him so that he didn’t have to feel pathetic by reaching out to anyone first. He really was becoming an awful person, wasn’t he?

Letting out a sigh, he sent a message to Sugino, hoping that he wasn’t busy. In terms of where he lived, he was probably the closest, and he’d drop it if Nagisa didn’t want to talk about it.

“Sorry, Nagisa…I’m at baseball practice all day. Kanzaki and I also have plans tonight. But we can hang out another day!”

He tried Isogai next. When in doubt, the old class president was someone reliable that he could turn to. Of course, Isogai still lived with his mother and siblings, and Nagisa would hate to trouble them…but even when that thought occurred to him, it was too late, he’d already sent the message asking if Isogai was busy.

“I’m actually working all day…is something wrong? I can call out if you need me to.”

Well, Nagisa definitely couldn’t make him do that. Not when he was still supporting his family. He brushed Isogai off, before quickly backing out of his contact. He tried Kayano next.

“I’m in Korea doing some shoots…but if you want to call later on, I’d be down!”

Jeez. Nagisa really was nothing but a pest to everyone. His heart felt heavy as he sent another dismissal reply, before backing out of her contact as well. His fingers hovered over Karma’s contact name after that, hesitating.

On one hand, Karma would listen to him- he would help. Provide him a shower, some clothes to change into, and he would let Nagisa crash there for a while. But on the other hand, Karma wouldn’t just let him waltz in and then not tell him what was going on. He was never the type of guy to ignore other people’s suffering. But…maybe that was what Nagisa needed right now. Someone who would truly listen and care about what he was saying. Maybe having Karma there for him would wash away the cold, numb feeling that was eating away at his heart and soul. A feeling so painful that even death felt like mercy.

His hands trembled as he messaged his longtime friend.

Surprisingly, he got an answer pretty quickly.

“Not really. Just studying. Why?”

Why…such a simple, innocent question. And yet, it took all Nagisa had not to spill everything out.

“Can I come over?”

It might have been rude to invite himself, but Nagisa just didn’t care anymore. The wait for Karma to answer was a bit longer this time around, but it wasn’t so long that Nagisa worried that Karma wouldn’t answer him. Likely, he was just finishing up his study material before responding. It always took Nagisa a moment to find a good stopping spot whenever someone messaged him.

“Sure.”

That was all Nagisa needed. He stood up, stretching his short legs out before leaning back so that his back could pop. He relaxed a little when it did, heading down the mountain.

Karma didn’t live far away per se…it was definitely within walking distance. But walking underneath the hot and muggy summer sun made it feel like the longest walk of his life. By the time he was down the mountain, his clothes had fully dried stuck to his body, and his face was covered in sweat. Hopefully Karma wouldn’t say anything about the terrible smell. Nagisa preferred evening showers and, consequently, ended up skipping yesterday’s. He knew without even trying to smell himself that he reeked.

By the time he got to Karma’s house, he felt sticky and uncomfortable. He stared at the large, intricate door and shook his head quietly.

Shows and comics always make this sort of thing look like it’s nothing…maybe I should have tried to go back to the dorms last night instead of running up the mountain…at least I wouldn’t have been too wet by then…

And if his roommate had gotten mad at him for barging in, then oh well. 

Not that it mattered now. It was over, done with, and gone. 

Hesitantly, he lifted his hand and knocked tersely at the door. It only took moments for the door to swing open.

It was almost comical how Karma’s face went from casual and expectant to shocked and concerned. He stepped aside quickly, and Nagisa took that as his cue to step inside the house, the smell of various spices and room incense burning filling the air. It was a familiar scent that immediately calmed Nagisa’s nerves.

“What the hell?” Karma breathed, his mercury golden eyes skimming Nagisa up and down, before he reached over and grabbed Nagisa’s chin, jerking his face towards him as he leaned down to get a better look. “Have you been crying?”

“Not today…” Nagisa said, cringing a little at the sound of his voice. It sounded even worse than the previous night when he wept for Korosensei. He didn’t even sound like himself- like he’d swallowed a bunch of rusty old nails. Did he mention that he was extremely thirsty and his lips were dry? Funny how that worked.

Karma let go of him, his eyebrows furrowing. He sighed heavily. “You look like a sewer mouse. Go shower. I’ll leave some clothes for you.” He said. It almost felt like a routine at this point. Ever since Karma found out about his mother being physically abusive towards him, he’d been much more gentle with Nagisa. Not treating him any differently, just…opening up his doors more. It was nice- having someone he could truly go to when he was down.

Nagisa carefully toed his shoes off and gave a halfhearted nod, slipping past his friend and to the bathroom down the hallway.

When he shut the door behind him, he glanced at himself in the mirror and blanched. He thought he’d gotten a good look at himself in the water’s reflection earlier that morning, but seeing himself in the mirror was totally different. He looked way worse than he thought. Of course, he was also much more sweaty and red in the face from walking in the heat for a while, but still.

He slipped his clothes off of his body, wincing a little as he had to peel the sticky clothes off of him. The cool air felt good against his skin. So he turned the water on to a very lukewarm temperature, leaning more towards cold than warm.

It was insane how a simple shower felt like heaven.

He took care to wash himself- his hands and arms, face, body…even made sure that all of the mud was gone from underneath his fingernails. By the time he was done, he felt a little more like himself.

He stepped out of the shower, unsurprised to find some clothes on the counter, along with a towel. His dirty clothes were gone, which did surprise him. He always took care of his own clothes- but he supposed Karma was just trying to eliminate any possible obstacles so that they couldn’t delay their inevitable conversation.

Nagisa dried his body first, his blue eye flickering towards the mirror once again. He definitely looked a lot better- just more tired than anything. His eyes too, though, were more dull in color.

Once he was fully dried and dressed, he folded the towel up and set it aside, before exiting the bathroom and padding barefoot down the carpeted hallway. As he expected, he found Karma sitting on the floor with a look of deep concentration on his face. Nagisa silently joined him, sitting cross legged on the floor near him.

For a moment, it was silent. It was hard to tell if Karma knew he was there, or if he was struggling to find the right words. 

He got his answer soon enough.

“...Was it your mom?” Karma asked.

“You could say that,” Nagisa said and cleared his throat.

Karma reached over behind him, procuring a glass of water that he hadn’t noticed earlier. He held it out to him. Nagisa gave him a grateful look and took a drink. Honestly, the cold water touching his throat made it ache even more, but his mouth felt much better in comparison.

“So what happened?” Karma asked, his tone deceptively casual.

Nagisa took a deep, shuddering breath. “...Promise not to do anything irrational?”

“It would depend on what irrational means to me at that moment,” Karma replied simply.

Nagisa gave him a look.

Karma rolled his eyes. “Just tell me.”

Nagisa set his glass of water down, bringing his knees up to his chest and hugging them tightly. “...Karma. Have you ever mistaken me for a girl?” He began, his mind racing to try to figure out how he was going to go about this. His question must have caught Karma off guard, as his eyes widened a little. For a moment, Nagisa was sure that he was going to make a joke, or taunt him about getting his dick removed. But to his relief, Karma did no such thing- likely due to the grave tone Nagisa had asked him in.

“No. Anyone with eyes could see you’re a guy.”

“Even though my voice never changed? And my hips grew out?” Nagisa challenged.

Karma’s eyebrows furrowed. “I mean, for some I guess it would be hard to tell, but again, if people actually paid attention to you, they’d be able to tell if you’re a girl or a guy no matter what your hip size is. Why?”

Nagisa averted his gaze from Karma’s piercing one. He was appraising him, trying to determine what could possibly be on Nagisa’s mind before he could say anything. Normally, it would be easy for Karma, but there was no way that he’d be able to guess the utter betrayal he faced from his mother and father.

Should he just come out and say it? Try to ease him into it? What exactly was the appropriate way of saying “hey so my mom actually has been drugging me with estrogen and now my identity is forever fucked without my consent”? Preferably without utterly shocking the taller male.

Well…there really wasn’t any way to ease into that sort of conversation. Even the calmest people in the world would be shocked. And knowing Karma, he wouldn’t just be shocked. He’d be absolutely furious. 

Still, though- Karma said nothing, waiting patiently for Nagisa to gather his thoughts and speak up.

“I…was out with my dad,” Nagisa slowly began, discomfort swirling around his gut. He swallowed a heavy lump in his throat, tightening his grip on his knees. “Last night, for dinner. My roommate needed the place to himself. We- my dad and I, were talking and…he kind of let it slip that I was…drugged, growing up.”

“Drugged?” Karma echoed, his face growing more serious. He sat up fully, even leaning forward a little to stare at Nagisa with an almost harsh expression. “What do you mean?”

“Y-you know my mom’s always wanted a girl, right?” Nagisa asked. When Karma nodded in affirmation, he continued. “Well, apparently…she really went to the extremes to try to make me into her perfect daughter. She drugged me with estrogen for…an unknown period of time in my life. And…so she’s the reason why my voice…and my hips…and everything else…” His voice trailed off as he stared at Karma.

His face had gone cold. He didn’t just look furious- he looked like he could actually commit a crime. In a strange way, his reaction actually felt comforting to Nagisa- he was relieved that someone else could admit that what his mother did was messed up beyond belief. Glad that he wasn’t just overreacting.

Slowly, Karma shut his eyes and took a deep breath.

“So let me get this straight,” he said, his voice almost uncharacteristically flat. “She wanted a girl, she forced you to ingest estrogen and screwed your growth up, and through all that she still had the guts to physically, emotionally, and psychologically abuse you until you were black and blue and unable to ever even talk back to her?”

Nagisa looked down, slightly dazed by his words.

That…is a lot, when he says it that way…

“Tell me that you aren’t going to go see that crazy bitch again.” Karma said, his voice almost detached. “Your answer might sway me into not going after her myself.”

“D-definitely don’t go after her! She’s still my mom!” Nagisa found himself saying quickly, sitting upright and letting go of his legs to hold his hands up in surrender.

Karma barked out a harsh, almost demeaning laugh. “She’s still your mom? Really? You’re going to go with that? After she’s abused you in just about every sense of the word? For god’s sake, Nagisa-” he slammed his fist against the wall, turning his cold mercury gaze towards him. “She’s batshit. At this point, if you don’t cut her off, she’s just going to make you spiral more and more. Enough with the childish excuses for her- look at you! You’re a mess!”

“I- I know, but…” Nagisa looked away from him, unable to truly look him in the eye. “I mean, I can’t forgive her. Not right now, especially. But I still don’t want her getting hurt. I won’t go see her- and if I do, it won’t be for a long time. So don’t go after her? Please.”

Karma took a few deep breaths, visibly trying to calm down. He leaned back against the wall, and although he still looked really tense, he seemed to at least be collecting himself. Finally, he looked Nagisa up and down, before asking in an oddly subdued voice, “are you okay?”

“I was worse last night,” Nagisa admitted. “But I…I’ve processed it.”

“But that doesn’t answer my question,” Karma pointed out. “In fact, dare I say, you’re actively avoiding it.”

Nagisa gnawed on his lower lip. It was true- as much as he didn’t want to admit it, but he was definitely avoiding Karma’s question. It was such a strange thing- he came out seeking Karma’s comfort, and yet now that he was faced with the most basic of all questions in such a scenario, he couldn’t bring himself to really admit it. It almost felt like it was an admission of his own weakness, even though logically, he knew that wasn’t the case at all. He didn’t think he could cry anymore even if he really wanted to; he’d cried plenty the night before, and yet, he felt like he was so close to breaking with his best friend’s eyes on him, as if ready to call him out at any moment.

It didn’t matter if he lied. Karma would just see right through him anyway.

“No.” He whispered. “I’m not okay.”

At this, Karma’s expression softened slightly, and he looked away from him, holding one arm out in a silent invitation.

Nagisa didn’t hesitate this time. He scooted closer until he was right beside Karma, burying his face in the side of his chest, with his body now wrapped snugly under Karma’s arm.

To his surprise, tears filled his eyes yet again, and dripped down his face at rapid speeds. He didn’t apologize for it, though. He knew that there was no need for it when Karma already knew Nagisa wasn’t okay and would probably end up in tears again. So, he cried.

He cried not quite as hard as he had the previous night, but hard enough to surprise even himself.

The whole time, Karma merely held him with one arm and didn’t say a word. It was impossible to tell what the younger male was thinking now, but to Nagisa, it didn’t really matter. 

Crying on Karma versus crying by himself felt very different. He’d felt alone and cold before, but now he felt as though he was truly releasing all of the grief and pain he’d felt- like he was able to properly try to move on from the heavy betrayal he felt. It was…kind of nice, really.

When Nagisa pulled back, a bit calmer than before, He sat back against the wall while Karma dropped his arm. The two stayed there in silence, neither really knowing what to say. Or maybe they both knew that words weren’t needed. It was hard to tell- but again, it really didn’t matter.

“...You mentioned before…” Karma spoke after a long, drawn out, comfortable silence. “That your roommate sometimes kicks you out for a while. If you ever need a place to stay, you know my door’s always open.”

“I just don’t want to get in your way,” Nagisa shook his head. “If I became a distraction for you…”

“Please,” Karma snorted. “Do you seriously think your presence could distract me from accomplishing my goals? My mind isn’t that fragile. Hell, if you need to stay here during the breaks, it’s fine. I don’t care. But I don’t think it’s a good idea to go back to the woman who ruined your life.”

“...If it’s really okay,” Nagisa said quietly, “then I might have to take you up on that.”

“You better.” Karma wrapped an arm around Nagisa’s neck, bringing him down for a noogie. “I might have to kill you if you don’t.”

Nagisa let out a string of complaints, squirming to get out of his hold, all while letting out a genuine laugh at his words. Kill was a word that many people used easily in their everyday speech- whether it be joking around with a friend or venting about someone. But to Nagisa and Karma, the word felt nostalgic, fond, and it made them feel united as one once again.

Once he let go of Nagisa, Karma stood up, stretching his arms out. “I’ll go make something. I was about to cook myself some breakfast anyway, so I may as well make sure you don’t keel over while you’re here.”

“I’m not starving, I ate yesterday,” Nagisa let out a small laugh.

“Tell that to your reflection,” Karma physically waved him off and walked out of the room, leaving Nagisa in his room to quietly smile.

…Thank you…Karma.

Chapter Text

Nagisa stood near his bed in his dorm room, staring blankly down at his luggage. He’d already packed all of his clothes and everything else he needed, but he really wasn’t sure what he was going to do about where he was going, now that summer break had arrived. His mother had been texting him nonstop for the past week, gushing about being able to see her precious baby girl again, and even sent a long message about how she’ll take a few days off so that they can have a relaxing home spa day together.

When Nagisa had read that, he’d actually vomited. He couldn’t take the shaving and waxing, the manicures…none of that anymore. He’d put up with “home spa days” before he knew that she’d drugged him with estrogen.

It had been just over a month since he found out the truth from his father…who had yet to reach out to him ever since that day. He wasn’t exactly jumping at the chance to text his father either, though.

He opened his messaging app to look at Karma’s contact. The two had been talking a lot since that fateful day. Karma had said recently that his university would be releasing them next week for summer break, which was where Nagisa’s dilemma came in. He knew that Karma had offered to let him stay at his place during the breaks, but he didn’t exactly want to be alone in Karma’s house completely on his own while his friend attended university. It was just too awkward. 

Maybe I should just…stay with mom for the week, then go to Karma’s..?

Though he was truly reluctant to return to his mother again. He couldn’t trust her anymore. It was one thing when he thought it was a one-time thing the night she tried to force him to burn down E-Class. But it was another thing entirely learning that she’d done it multiple times over the course of an unknown period of time. And to not worry, or even care, about the repercussions? To not care that her son was permanently messed up? That his body was forced to go through changes without his consent? And, like Karma had pointed out, to have had the gall to do such a thing while still abusing him…it was completely and utterly uncouth.

In short, Nagisa really didn’t want to spend any time with her. At all.

Sure, he still loved her…she was still his mom, even if she completely shattered and broke him in a way that he knew he would never truly recover from. But she still was the one who raised him, fed him, put a roof over his head…Nagisa couldn’t find it in him to truly hate her. Even if Karma thought he was ridiculous for saying so.

Nagisa shut his suitcase.

Maybe he should dig into his savings a little…if Korosensei was still around, he’d probably encourage Nagisa to find his own way, even if it meant avoiding his parents. 

Though…he might also tell me that I need to face my parents eventually…

Smiling a little to himself, Nagisa took a deep breath. 

…Right. I can’t avoid this forever. But I’m not going to just sit down and let her do what she wants anymore. Those days are over.

As these thoughts ran through his mind, he reached up, running his hand through his freshly cut hair. He’d found time after finals were over earlier in the week and finally managed to get his hair cut. It felt odd- but he was happy. Every time he saw himself in the mirror, despite his baby face, he looked like a boy. He no longer had to worry about tying his hair in twin tails, or tying it in a ponytail when he was studying to keep it out of his face. It was finally short.

That wasn’t to say it was a completely happy event, however.

He’d ended up having a nightmare that night about his mother getting infuriated with him for getting it cut. And even now, knowing he would be confronting her soon enough, he felt a little sick to his stomach. He just hoped that it wouldn’t trigger her.

I guess right now, the first thing I need to do is actually get to Kunugigaoka.

He zipped his suitcase up and walked out of the dorms, not even bothering to wait for his roommate to return to say bye to him. They were on friendly terms, but they didn’t really hang out or anything, so it didn’t matter either way.

It didn’t take too long to get to the train station or to find his train. The commute from Keisetsu University to Kunugigaoka was much longer than all of that combined.

When he stepped off of the train, he immediately began heading towards the West Exit- the one he always got off on whenever he returned. 

To his shock, right there near the gates was none other than his closest friend- Akabane Karma. He blinked, his steps faltering a little. “Karma? You’re here?” He questioned, “I thought your classes ran a little later than this?”

Karma looked up at him from his phone and smirked. “Well, all we’re really doing is going over our lessons and prepping for our finals next week. Classes let out early so that way we can study whatever we can for as long as we can.”

“Ah…that makes sense…” Nagisa mumbled. His university had done that too- he probably should have taken that into consideration. Though he hadn’t expected Karma to meet him at the train station. They’d made no plans to do so. “But why are you here?”

“What a warm welcome,” Karma mocked, “that’s so rude, Nagisa.”

“S-sorry,” Nagisa sighed, despite knowing Karma was only teasing him. “I just wasn’t expecting to see you here, I guess.”

“Clearly.” Karma snorted. “I thought about texting you, but I knew you wouldn’t be honest with me if I did that. So I figured I’d just come and ask you straight up.” He folded his arms across his chest, staring down at Nagisa with those intense eyes that seemed to strip him bare and expose any lie or secret that he could possibly hold. “Where are you going? Because if it was to my place, you would have said something first.”

That was true. Nagisa would never show up unannounced. It just wasn’t in him to do so. So Karma knew that he was either going to be finding a hotel for a while, or going back to one of his parents' apartments. His mild glare was more than enough to let him know that it was pointless to try to lie. Not when he was staring him down so intently that it had him squirming a little. He let out a soft sigh of annoyance.

That’s so dirty…

“...I was going to my mom’s.” Nagisa finally admitted.

“Why?” Karma asked. It was such a simple question, yet, Karma could make any question, even easy, one worded questions, sound more like an angry demand.

“I…I just needed to talk to her.” Nagisa gripped the handle of his suitcase tightly in his hand. “I want to tell her…that I know what happened. And that I’m not okay with being her doll anymore. I’m my own person, and I’m going to live my life as the man that I was born as.” He lowered his head a little. It felt a little odd to not have his hair curtain his face anymore. “...I want to cut her off. Her and dad.”

Karma continued to stare at him for a bit, processing every word that he was saying with a look of contemplation on his face. Finally, his gaze softened a little. “...Alright. And afterwards?”

Nagisa gave him a wry smile. “I was going to find a hotel room to hole myself up in.”

“Wrong answer.” Karma used his phone to lightly bop the top of Nagisa’s head. “You’re staying with me, remember?”

“Yeah, but…is that really okay? I mean, you’ll be in classes…” Nagisa fumbled.

Karma raised an eyebrow at him, looking at him with playful suspicion. “What, are you planning on stealing from my spice collection? I won’t forgive you if you do.”

“Th-that’s not the problem at all and you know it!” Nagisa flushed a little in embarrassment. “I mean, what am I supposed to do at your place while you’re in classes? That’s embarrassing…”

“I don’t care what you do,” Karma shrugged. “Seriously- we’ve been over this before. My home is yours. Especially now. So just relax.” He sounded a little annoyed now. His tone made Nagisa clamp his mouth shut. He wanted to protest, but when Karma’s mind was made up, he couldn’t be swayed. He let out a sigh of defeat, before giving Karma a grim smile.

“Alright, alright…you win. But we are going to the Shiota apartment first…and I really don’t want you to step in.” Nagisa said, looking at Karma’s face with a frown twisted at his lips. “I’m serious, Karma. I don’t care what’s going on. I need to face mom on my own.”

Karma studied him again, before nodding a little. “...Yeah. That’s probably for the best.” He agreed. He didn’t sound exactly happy about it though. But regardless, his response had Nagisa smiling a little genuinely in relief.

“Thanks, Karma.”

The taller male physically waved him off, turning away from him. “Well, we’re burning daylight, Nagisa. Let’s get this over with so you can come back with me and taste my amazing cooking.”

Nagisa rolled his eyes and followed him, ignoring the ghost of a smile still etched gently across his face. As they walked, with Nagisa trailing behind his longtime friend, Karma, without turning around or stopping, spoke up once more, his voice a tad bit softer than it was before. “...The hair looks good, by the way.”

Nagisa’s smile only grew.

_____

The two had walked in utter silence on the way to the Shiota apartments after Karma’s comment, the air easy and light between them. However, as they got closer and closer to the apartment complex that Nagisa was so accustomed to, he felt more and more nauseous. Like at any second, he could just burst from pure anxiety.

He hadn’t stood up to his mom since junior high, after all. For a while, he didn’t have to, with his first year of high school being amazing with how loving his mother and father were. But after that…it was as if she’d managed to diminish every little bit of growth he felt he’d gone through in E Class. She always did have a special way of making him feel smaller than he was.

When they got to the front door, Nagisa only stood in front of it. It was just a door, but it felt so imposing. Like it was growing bigger and bigger, while he shrunk smaller and smaller. After all, just beyond those doors was the woman who abused him for his entire life, and who drugged him. Molded him into her perfect vision. How would she react to his hair? Would she start off cheerful then grow angry as soon as she saw it? Would he even have time to speak his mind? Would he even be able to stomach trying?

The questions ran rampant through his mind, and for a moment, he felt exceedingly overwhelmed.

Beside him, Karma nudged him.

“Go on. Your target’s inside,” he smirked a little. “An assassin can handle any target that comes their way, right, Valedictorian-san?”

Nagisa gave him a brief smile. “I’ll be out soon.”

“I’ll be here.” Karma folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the wall by the window.

Taking a deep breath, Nagisa grasped the door handle to the apartment, twisting it and pushing the door open.

“I’m back…” He called out in a low voice. He really hoped his anxiety wasn’t obvious. How embarrassing would that be?

“Nagisa!” Hiromi sounded elated. There was a smell of fish in the air- and Nagisa quickly realized that she’d been preparing some sort of fish dish- likely sushi, for him to celebrate his first proper vacation away from the university. His stomach twisted a little in guilt. He stepped inside, leaving the front door open just a crack, in case he needed to make a swift exit. And if it was really bad, he and Karma could just leap off of the apartment complex from the floor they were on. Nagisa had already done it back on the night he killed Korosensei- and so he was out of practice, but he had the confidence that muscle memory would serve him well.

The sound of Hiromi’s soft, rushed footsteps snapped him out of his temporary reverie, and he tensed up, staying in the entrance area so he didn’t have to take his shoes off.

Hiromi abruptly paused. “Nagisa..?”

“Hi, mom…” Nagisa smiled thinly at her, moving his hands behind his back anxiously. “It’s been a while.”

Hiromi didn’t respond for a moment, her face seemingly going through all of the different stages of grief, before settling back onto sadness. “You…you cut your hair. Your beautiful, soft, hair. I’d been hoping to practice some hairstyles on you over the summer break…”

Nagisa swallowed a heavy lump in his throat. 

No. She can’t make me feel guilty over cutting my hair…I did what I wanted, and that’s what matters.

“Yeah.” Nagisa shifted from foot to foot, his fingers twiddling together behind his back. “I did. I think it looks good.”

“But…girls always look better with longer hair…” Hiromi mumbled, her eyebrows furrowing. “Nagisa, why would you do something like that? I…I had you grow it out for me…”

“And I wanted it cut for me,” Nagisa replied as smoothly as he could. “It’s my hair…and I did tell you before I’ll be cutting my hair. I finally had the time to get it done.”

“But now you look like…like a boy.” Hiromi said the last word like it was a disease, wrinkling her nose and crossing her arms. “Nagisa…I won’t get mad at you, sweetie. So can you tell me why you decided to cut your hair? Is this an act of rebellion now that you’re living away from me?”

Nagisa’s lips twitched a little. “It’s like you said, mom. I look like a boy…because, as you know, I am a boy. You used to accept that, but after…your second divorce…” he chose his wording carefully to avoid triggering her, “you lost it. You became convinced that I was your daughter, and not your son. You got worse, mom…I never was your daughter, and I never will be.”

“Nagisa,” Hiromi’s tone suggested that she was beginning to lose her patience. “Enough with this nonsensical talk. I raised you. I think I would know if my child is a boy or a girl.”

“Clearly you couldn’t tell if you had to drug me!” Nagisa suddenly snapped, his own patience waning. He immediately felt a spark of regret as soon as the words escaped his mouth. His mother’s eyes had grown wide with something akin to fright, and her lips parted in shock, which she covered quickly with both of her hands. She looked as though Nagisa had said something scandalous- something that she simply could not believe. And maybe he did. Maybe she thought she’d gotten away with it since it happened so long ago that the reminder was shocking to her.

“D-drug you? Oh, Nagisa, please…now you’re being ridiculous,” Hiromi forced a laugh as she stepped closer to him. Nagisa took a single step back, before stopping to hold his ground. “Come on. You’re obviously exhausted from all that studying. A nice home spa day is just what you need. I bought a waxing kit and everything-” she grasped his arm lightly.

“Will you please listen to me, mom?!” Nagisa shouted.

Hiromi froze.

Nagisa took a deep breath and bowed slightly. “I’m sorry for raising my voice, mom, but I really need you to listen to me. I already know about you drugging me with estrogen when I was younger. Dad already told me. And…it’s made me realize that I can’t be your perfect child anymore. No matter what I do, it will never, ever be good enough for you. I got into Keisetsu High, and Kei U, but even then, all you could talk about was how you wished you could decorate my dorm room and fill my shared closet with dresses. And when I pointed out to you that it wasn’t possible, do you remember what you did? You screamed at me. You yanked on my hair, screamed in my ear, then started crying and demanded I put a pretty dress on to calm you down. And it was only then that you apologized to me.” Tears were beginning to burn his eyes, but he stubbornly blinked them back. “You told me when I left that you were proud of me as your daughter. And I took that as something positive, because it was all I can ever get from you anymore. And I just can’t do it anymore.”

“Nagisa…” Hiromi gripped his arm tightly.

But Nagisa wasn’t done. “I love you, mom. And I’m sure that I always will. I was fine with doing my best to earn your real love…but you crossed a line that I just can’t ignore. I can’t stay with you, knowing that I can never trust you.” He kept his head bowed. “So, I’m sorry, but this is the last time I’m willing to come here.”

The silence that followed Nagisa’s statement was heavy. Almost oppressive. He held his breath, hoping that what he was saying was getting through to her. Hoping that she would apologize or…anything, really. He slowly lifted his head to risk a look at her. The moment he did, however, his stomach dropped.

His mother’s face was beet red, her teeth visibly clenched and veins practically popping from her forehead.

“Mom-”

“How dare you!” Hiromi screeched at the top of her lungs, digging her nails into his arm so painfully that blood began to seep from where her nails were digging into his skin. “What have I done that’s so awful, huh?! So what if I gave my child something that she lacked?! You’re fine, aren’t you?! I’ve had to put myself through hell to be able to raise you properly! I spent so much money on dresses and makeup and waxing kits, and you’re telling me that you’re ungrateful for all that I’ve done for you?! I gave my life to make sure you had what I never did! You awful, ungrateful child!”

Nagisa cringed back, squeezing his eyes shut as his ear throbbed from her shrieks. “Mom, please-”

Hiromi let go of Nagisa’s arm, only to yank at his shirt. “Look at you!” She slammed him against the wall, and for a moment, he swore he saw stars. “I can’t believe I raised such a child! Why do you and that man always insist on making me out to be the bad guy?! I’ve done nothing to deserve this! I did nothing to deserve giving birth to a rotten son! I deserve to be able to live my life with the daughter I always wanted! I deserve it, and you never let me have it! You wicked child, do you wish to see me suffering in misery that much?! You want me so unhappy that I want to die, is that it?! You want me dead, Nagisa?!”

“Th-that’s not it at all!” Nagisa was beginning to lose his composure and panic. He held his hands up in a way that he hoped was placating. “Of course I don’t want you to suffer, and I don’t want you dead, I just-!”

He was cut off when her palm made contact with his face.

“You liar!” She screamed so viscerally that Nagisa, for a moment, was genuinely concerned about her throat. “You’re a terrible son! The worst! I should have never let you live! From the moment you were born, you were nothing but a disappointment to me! Only a boy could bring this much shame and disappointment to his mother! If I had a daughter, you wouldn’t have turned out like this! You would have had the perfect life! You would have been smarter, stronger, and we would have been happy! But instead, here you are, parading yourself around all proud to have been born as a boy, while your poor mother suffers more and more!” 

Nagisa gritted his teeth tightly together. Not from anger, but from the pain he felt from hearing her words. He didn’t doubt that he probably would have been happier. He would have probably loved makeup and dresses. He probably would have loved getting his nails painted and putting ribbons in his hair. His mother probably wouldn’t have been so hard on him growing up if he hadn’t been a disappointment from the moment he was born.

But it wasn’t his choice. He didn’t ask to be born, and he didn’t choose to be born as a boy. He wanted to point this out, but through his mother’s anger, he could see tears in her eyes, and he felt another wave of sadness and regret. He bowed his head from where he was pinned to the wall.

“...I’m sorry, mom…”

Slowly, Hiromi let go of him.

“I know that you’ve always been hurting because of me,” Nagisa’s voice trembled as he spoke, staying still. “I know that there was a part of you that hated me right away, for not being born as the little girl you wanted. I know that I ended up falling into E Class in junior high and disappointing you even more. I know that you did your best for me after that year, and then fell apart because you were suffering. I understand it all completely.”

“That’s a much better attitude to have, Nagisa,” Hiromi said tightly, though her glare didn’t soften even a little. “So if you’re ready to stop being such a failure, you can come inside, and I’ll still make your favorites for-”

“But…” Nagisa cut her off, swallowing a lump in his throat. “Despite all of that, mom…I’m sticking to what I said. I’m your son.” His voice broke a little. “And you’re my mom…for me, who grew up safely because of you, I will always love you. Even if you raised me out of pure obligation. Maybe one day, we’ll talk again.” He whispered the last bit. He really didn’t hold his breath on that statement. It was way more than likely that she would forget about him. Then again, his mother has surprised him before, so who knows?

He felt her hands in his hair, yanking him forward so roughly that he ended up losing his balance and crashing to the ground. 

“Get out!” Hiromi screeched at him. “Get out, and don’t ever come back! I refuse to talk with someone who wants to look down at me! Especially a no-good, useless son!”

Nagisa wasted no time in leaping to his feet and rushing out the door, shutting it behind him with a quick, yet quiet click.

Just like that, he could physically feel that chapter in his life ending.

He let out a shaky breath.

“Nagisa.”

Flinching a little, Nagisa looked to the side where Karma stood upright, his face unreadable, and his suitcase in his hand. He jerked his head to the side wordlessly, and the two, without missing another beat, walked away from the Shiota apartment.

As they walked, Nagisa fidgeted a little. He’d been so wrapped up in what had transpired that he’d truly forgotten that Karma had been there, and he’d heard the entire thing. But the redhead wasn’t saying anything. He just stared straight ahead, his jaw slightly tighter than normal.

“...Karma?”

No answer.

Nagisa fell silent.

It was only when the two of them reached the Akabane residence and stepped inside that Karma finally spoke again, tossing his suitcase onto the floor aggressively.

“Where did she hurt you?”

“Eh?”

“Don’t play stupid right now, Nagisa,” Karma said, his tone frustrated. “I’m not in the mood for it. Just tell me what hurts right now.”

Nagisa quickly tapped his cheek that she’d slapped. “She hit me here, grabbed my arm here,” he used his free hand to touch his slightly bloodied arm. “And she grabbed my hair. And pulled me down. That’s it.”

“That’s it…” Karma echoed flatly, shutting his eyes. He took a few deep, shaky breaths. “That’s still a lot for a parent to do to a child, you know.”

“...I know.” Nagisa whispered.

Karma, after aggressively kicking his shoes off and ensuring Nagisa had as well, grabbed his wrist with a shocking amount of gentleness, and tugged him to the kitchen. He plopped Nagisa down on a chair, before flittering around the kitchen for a bit, returning with an ice pack.

“Put that on your cheek. Stay here.” Karma said curtly, before walking towards his bathroom. Nagisa awkwardly held the ice pack to his cheek, marveling silently how the cold felt good against his stinging cheek.

It didn’t take long for Karma to return to him, holding some peroxide and bandages. Nagisa held his arm out for him wordlessly, already knowing what Karma was about to bark at him.

Again with the gentleness, Karma cleaned the nail marks on his arm, before wrapping it up with a bandage. His hands lingered on his arm after it was done, his touch light. Nagisa tilted his head up a little to look at his longtime friend.

To his shock, the fury had melted on Karma’s face, and now, all that was left was bitter, sad, resignation.

“I guess I can see why you were always the way that you were,” Karma said quietly. When Nagisa didn’t respond, he continued. “I can’t believe- I was cautious about you. Anyone would be able to pull that off after living with that for years.”

Nagisa’s eyebrows furrowed slightly.

“You know, back when we fought, in our third year…” Karma hesitated a little. “...Towards the end there, I thought to myself, even though you weren’t physically strong, you were mentally strong. You were able to hold your own and force me to listen. But I don’t think I could have ever guessed how strong you really are.”

“I’m not…” Nagisa denied, shaking his head. “All of my strength came from that class…from Korosensei. I’m still as affected by mom’s words now than I was back then.”

“Shut the hell up and take the compliment, dude…” Karma nudged him. “I don’t bullshit you and you know it.”

A small, genuine smile lifted at the corners of Nagisa’s mouth. “...Yeah. I know. Thanks Karma.”

“No need to thank me.” Karma stood up, his face becoming neutral again. “Anyway, if you’re going to be my vacation roommate, then I expect you to be able to relax, you know? If I find out that you refused to eat because you didn’t want to touch my food without me here, I’ll actually kill you.”

Nagisa laughed a little, feeling his muscles slowly relax at his words. “I’ll do my best.”

Karma offered him a fleeting smile, before his face neutralized again. “Go shower. You smell like old hag.”

“Karma..!”

Instead of a response, Karma merely waved him off, causing Nagisa to give him a dry look. But nevertheless, he headed back out, grabbed his suitcase, and headed for Karma’s room to grab a change of clothes and shower, an action he felt he was overly familiar with when it came to staying over.

This time, however, he turned the heat up on the shower, and he enjoyed the hot water that was provided for him.

When he stepped out, drying his hair, he could smell something cooking. It smelled like some type of stew- but with all of the spices that Karma always added to his food, it was a little hard to tell. He headed back to the kitchen, peeking inside.

Karma stood in front of a large pot with a serious expression on his face. It almost looked like he was trying to keep himself calm. So Nagisa spoke up.

“Smells good in here.”

Karma didn’t react for a moment, before forcing a smirk onto his face. “Uh, yeah. I’m amazing at cooking. You should definitely know that by now, Nagisa.”

Nagisa smiled unsurely.

“Go sit down. It’ll be a bit before it’s ready,” Karma dismissed. “I’m not the same redhead who needs a little mouse controlling my cooking.”

“Huh?” Nagisa blinked in confusion.

Karma smirked. “Oh, we are so watching that movie tonight.”

“Suddenly, I feel a little scared…” Nagisa said with a small, breathy laugh as he sat at the dining table. “But if you like it, then it should be good.”

“I never said anything about liking it,” Karma said, a real smirk now etching across his face.

“I see we have a theme for tonight going on already…” Nagisa mumbled in amusement. But he didn’t mind. He continued to watch Karma cook, only speaking when he was spoken to after a bit so that Karma could fully focus on his task at hand. 

Despite the fact that he felt awful for having forced Karma to listen to all of his mother’s loud ramblings, he felt oddly relaxed now. More free than anything, really. He still hadn’t messaged his dad, and he highly doubted his dad would send him anything either. It all came full circle- his dad walked out on him and then rarely communicated with him, and now Nagisa had been the one to walk out on him at that yakiniku restaurant, and had yet to reach back out to him.

And then there was his mother.

Given he still had lots of reward money left from assassinating Korosensei, he was confident that he could find his own place of living and rebuild his life moving forward, finally completely free from the chains his mother held him down with. He would continue to work hard at his university, become a beloved teacher, and move forward with his head held up high.

A bowl of stew was set in front of him, startling him slightly.

“Eat up. There’s more if you want some,” Karma said flippantly, sitting down in the other chair with his own food. “And don’t hold back on the compliments.”

Nagisa smiled a little at him, lifting his spoon and taking a careful bite. He was immediately filled with warmth- not just because the food was hot, but from the fact his closest friend was sharing something delicious with him.

Maybe…just maybe, one day in the future, he could be even closer with Karma and share a future looking forward with him. Now wasn’t the right time- not when he still felt vulnerable, and not when Karma was still irritated from the visit with Hiromi. But one day, he hoped, that actions such as feeding each other and watching movies late into the night would become just another domestic thing between the two.

“Well? It’s good, isn’t it?” Karma boasted.

Nagisa looked back down at his stew, trying to envision a future not too different from what was going on now, before smiling a large, genuine smile. “...Yeah. It’s good. Everything is really good.”

And for once, he could say that without feeling guilty.