Chapter Text
It’s lunch time, and you’re half tempted to sit with Vera and Polly. There’s a weird dude watching them eat, and grinning like… well, like a weird dude. But, knowing how many war crimes your friends commit on a weekly basis, you’re relatively certain they’ll be fine! You, on the other hand, might not be. The Coven aren’t exactly your biggest fans. No, you’ve ignored their pleas for help one too many times. You’ll need an offering.
Thankfully, Valerie is in her normal seat: alone, surrounded by goods, and hungry for cash.
As you approach the bench, her ears perk up. “Hi, stranger. Been a while, huh? You here to buy some shit?”
You nod. “Yeah, uh, actually I need something kinda specific.”
She smiles, gesturing to the seat across from her. “Alright, hit me with it. I got tons of shit. What can I do ya for?”
You awkwardly hold a sweaty palm up to the back of your neck. “That’s the thing. I kinda don’t know? I need some sort of a peace offering for The Coven. I need to ask them a favour, and I’m guessing they don’t like me too much.” You dart your eyes toward the three goths, and they stare back at you with an angry voracity most characters only reserve for the Intergalactic Prince. “You know them pretty well, right Valerie? D’ya have anything that could maybe get me on their good side?”
Valerie sighs, staring at the collection of things she’s set up on the table in front of her. She seems as though she’s about to shake her head before something catches her eye. “This talisman would probably do the trick.”
She hands you a vial of bright pink, almost radioactively glowing blood. You glance at her questioningly, but she shrugs. “I don’t know dude, I shoplifted it from an evidence lockup.”
That answers your questions. You hand over $12, thank Valerie for saving your ass, and head toward the witches' table.
“Heyyyy, I got you all a little something…” you hold up the vial.
Their glares suddenly go from disapproval to panic.
“Where did you get that?” Hope demands.
Faith shakes her head. “I can’t believe you just stumbled upon the Pink Eye Talisman. We weren’t supposed to do that arc for another three bottle episodes!”
“Um… sorry?” You stutter, clearly confused. Their weird meta schtick never gets any clearer.
“It’s fine.” Joy interrupts, waving her fingers dismissively. Faith goes back to using her phone, indifferent to your presence. “This season is doing terribly with audiences, we needed something to spice things up. We can always find another Pink Eyed Talisman for next season, but for now we need this. It’ll protect against an outbreak.”
'…Of pink eye? ' you almost ask, but decide against it.
She thanks you silently and continues eating, while you just stand there. Watching. The weird dude from across the cafeteria notices you, smirks, and winks. He mouths “me too!” and continues glaring at Polly and Vera as they chew. You shudder, before looking back at Joy, expectantly.
She meets your gaze, clearly annoyed. “Do you need something?”
You take that as an invitation, plunking down across from the three of them and resting your elbows on the table. “Yes actually, so glad you asked. I need you to teach me necromancy.”
She shakes her head. “Absolutely not! Do you have any idea how the natural order is supposed to function? Do you even know the enemies we face each day? Our primary villain is literally a vampire!!”
“Literally!!” Faith adds, and Hope deadpans, whispering the words “a vampire.”
This isn’t working. You need another approach. Quick, think of something to convince them!
“Teaching me necromancy is the only way to stop the air people from using pigeon drones!” you blurt out.
Joy doesn’t buy it. “You know air people are Miranda’s thing, right? We don’t give a fuck about the air people. Air people and mer-people are part of an equilibrium, a balance. Yin and Yang, if you will. If the mer-folk stopped acting like genocidal tyrants and gave the air people an opportunity to attack, maybe, maybe, they could have a chance to briefly be a supervillain of the week, but the chance is unlikely.”
Faith yawns. “Yeah, the air people are pacifists. We don’t need to worry about them."
“But you should! It’s right here in this Wikispiracy page about how air people launch pigeon attacks on mausoleums. Mausoleums house the undead! Pigeons are dive bombing them! And what are the air people doing? Sitting on their cloud thrones all high and mighty. Disgusting!”
Miranda perks up from a nearby table, and you make a mental note to tone down your voice and ensure she doesn’t plan a water strike on the air people over the lies you’re spewing.
“I guess you make a good point.” Joy sighs. “Fine. I’ll give you a book or something. Just leave us alone please. We have planning to do.”
You aren’t sure what part about Faith texting people is supposed to aid in their planning, but you thank them profusely and head towards your friends. The weird guy appears to have vanished, thank Z’Gord, and the ground is littered with whatever food Polly pretended to eat. Vera grins, counting a wad of cash. All in all, a normal lunch day!