Archive of Our Own ^beta

Cole gasps with lungs that wouldn’t fill. 

He couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t see. Couldn’t feel. 

He couldn’t feel. He couldn’t feel anything!

His limbs thrash wildly, hoping, praying they would find purchase on something. Anything!

Opening his eyes– when had they squeezed shut?– Cole was met with complete darkness. Is this what the Departed realm was like? Just complete emptiness? Can't feel. Can't see. Can't breathe–

Had he already been forgotten?

He tries to will himself to be calm. Focus. He can only touch things when he focuses. 

But how can he focus during a time like this! This wasn’t supposed to happen! Not again! He– He was supposed to be alive. 

He was supposed to be alive and at home with his brothers and sister. And… And what were they doing? They all split up… Searching for…? No. It's the Day of the Departed, isn't it? They all split to mourn separately. But he's there. In Yang's temple. And all he can hear is his laughter. And his head is splitting. And he can't breathe!

He curls into a ball, clutching his head as the pain in his temples grows. Choked sobs escape him as his eyes begin to water. Something deep inside him jolts in fear at the thought of water. But what does it matter if he's going straight to the Departed realm anyways?

He's going to disappear and no one will remember him…

No one but his dad.

His dad never forgot about him. Everyone else did, but not him. Even when… Even when Cole wanted nothing to do with him…

He'd give anything for his dad to hold him right now. If only just to feel.

But he can't. Because he's dead and fading away and his dad will never be able to hold him again. 

He curls tighter. His limbs shake rigidly as he wheezes. He wants to go home. He wants his family. He wants his dad!

“Dad…” he whines pitifully knowing no one will hear him, “Dad, please.”

But no one will hear. And no one will come. And he'll be totally forgotten and alone.

So so alone.

“Cole…”

No one's coming.

“You gotta wake up, man.”

No one will save him.

“Cole, please!”

He shakes his head, causing the headache to erupt with blinding pain. He can't. He can't get his hopes up just to get it all ripped away again.

“Cole, you're real. You're alive, I promise.”

Vaguely, Cole realizes he's been speaking between gasps. Something incomprehensible, yet the sentiment is all the same. He's dead. There's no coming back from this. He'll be forgotten! He'll–

“I’m going to touch you, okay? C'mon. Sit up.”

His hands are taken away from his hair and he's forced to lay on his back, then to sit up. 

“Look, Cole. You can feel. You're real. You're here,” he's rocking, he realizes. He trembles with the movement, sucking in gasping breaths, but something holds him steady.

Something holds him.

He blinks, tears rolling down his cheeks. “Dad?”

There's a pause, and then the rocking continues. “No, but we can go see him soon, if you want.”

He blinks again, his mind slowly catching up with his surroundings. “Wh– Where–”

“We're trying to find Master Wu, remember? Just you and me…” they swallow, “An– And when we find him, you can start doing your weekly meditations again. And… I– I don't know… You don't have to be scared anymore. You're alive, Cole.”

The swaying had stopped, the steady presence falling away. His chest shook as he wheezed, “I don't feel like it. I don't feel real.”

“But you are, I promise. And– And I’m never gonna forget you, Cole. I’ll never let that happen. You’re my best friend.”

Cole blinks the tears from his eyes, sniffing, breath finally steady.

“Jay…?”

The boy in front of him gave a weary smile and nods, “It’s good to have you back, man.”

Chest heaving, breathing heavily through his mouth, Cole took a moment to himself, before inhaling deeply through his nose. It was wet and snotty, but he could fucking breathe. That was all that mattered.

At least, it was… until he realized how all this looks.

“Fuckin’ pathetic,” he said harshly under his breath.

“No it's not,” Jay reassures him, giving him a firm pat on the back.

“Yes, it is!” Cole hisses, shrugging him off, “I– I’m the one who’s supposed to have his shit together. I’m the one everyone else is supposed to lean on… I was the leader. The rock. I’m not supposed to… to fall apart like this.” He drew his knees into his chest, ducking his head into them. 

Jay let out a tired sigh, “Cole, none of us have our shit together… Not even Zane! He definitely has some stuff goin’ on that he doesn’t talk about. An– And Lloyd’s the leader now, but if he had a panic attack, would you think he’s pathetic?”

“Fuck no!” his head snaps up, scowling at his brother, “But… Lloyd’s different. He’s been going through shit since he was eleven years old. I’m just… me.”

“Cole… you died.”

“No shit, Sherlock!”

“No! I mean… You don’t think that’s traumatic?”

“Not as traumatic as–”

“No, this isn’t a competition. I don’t care what Lloyd or Zane or– or even I went through. You dying isn’t… it doesn’t… It means something, Cole. It affected you and that matters. Your life matters! You know that, right? Please tell me you know that!”

Cole opens his mouth, draws a shallow breath, and closes it. His eyes drift to the floor.

“I know you guys love me, but… You forgot about me, Jay.”

Jay grimaces, shaking his head, “No, we–”

“Yes, you did. No one noticed. I would’ve… I’d be gone and no one would realize!”

“Yes we would’ve, Cole.”

“How long would it take, Jay!” he threw his head in his hands. It'd been a long time since Jay had seen Cole this… defeated. And back then, in the aftermath of losing their brother, Jay didn't offer him any comfort. He looked at Cole with disdain and decided he no longer wanted him in his life. Why should he expect any different now?

“I keep wondering what it'd be like if I wasn't here. How quickly would you all move on… It couldn't be like Zane. It just wouldn't be.

I'm not the leader anymore. I don't provide anything special for the team. I'm just… here. I'm quiet and easily overlooked. Easily forgotten.

I keep thinking, if I were to disappear tomorrow, nothing would change.”

“That's… That's not true!” Jay shook his head, blinking furiously, “How could you say that?! Nothing would change? Cole, I'd lose my best friend–”

“You have Nya,” Cole deadpans.

“Th– That's not… That's not the same thing! You're… You're both…” he grimaces, switching topics, “Lloyd needs someone to look up to. Especially now with Wu gone. You've led the team for years, you can guide him.”

“So could Kai. Those two are joined at the hip.”

“What about your dad then, huh? You wanna leave him alone in the world?”

“That's too far, Jay–”

“No, it's not. It's a valid question,” Jay crosses his arms, glaring at his battle brother, “Your dad would be losing his only son. He'd have no one else.”

“He'd have his troupe.”

“We both know that's not the same,” he sighed, his expression softening, “You just… I don't want you giving up on yourself, man. Why are you even thinkin’ about this? You're alive. You're not gonna disappear, so there's nothing to worry about.”

“We don’t know that…” Cole muttered under his breath, turning to lay back down.

“No! What do you mean by that?” He pokes Cole in the side, “Cole!”

“In the ice caves!” Cole snaps, leaning up on his elbow as he turned around, “I never saw my reflection, Jay. So… so what if that means I don't have a future? What if I really am destined to disappear for real one day and be forgotten?”

Jay swallows hard, an anxious lump visibly rolling down his throat. “I– I– You…”

“You all looked so happy with what you saw,” Cole blinks, eyes watering again, “And I didn’t see… anything. So– So I guess there’s just nothing to see.”

“Ooooorrrr… ghosts just can’t see their reflection in the caves,” Jay shrugs, “Doesn’t mean it's not there.”

“I’m not a fucking vampire, Jay.”

“And the ice walls aren’t mirrors,” he argues, “And you’ll never know what ghosts can and can’t do, ‘cause you’re not a ghost anymore!”

Cole didn’t answer, scowling down at the floor, wallowing in self-pity. It’s not that he didn’t believe Jay– Jay was actually making sense, for once– it's just… hard to accept. After going so long believing he had no future he just… stopped. Stopped fighting for himself, at least. He still had his family and he’d still protect and defend them, but… not himself. Not anymore.

But… if there’s a chance… could he start to fight for himself again? Does he even have the strength to?

“The writers up in the cloud kingdom pretty much make up everything on the spot anyways,” Jay laughed awkwardly to himself, “Maybe… they just haven’t figured you out yet.”

Cole huffs. It was harsh, but lacked any heat behind it. “Guess that makes two of us.”

“You don’t have to figure yourself out right now, you know?” Jay smiles, “That’s not something anyone is supposed to just know.”

“But I thought I did have myself figured out,” his shoulders sag, “Everything used to be so much easier. And then–”

“And then Zane died.” Jay finishes for him, “Zane died. And then he came back. And then Garmadon died. Lloyd got possessed. You died. Life got complicated, Cole. You’re not going to stay the same. No one is.”

Cole narrows his eyes at him, scrutinizing every detail. “When did you get so wise?” 

“Hey!” he gives an offended squawk, “I say smart stuff all the time. I think you guys should listen to me more!”

Cole raises an unamused brow.

Jay rolls his eyes. “Whatever… ‘sides, now that Wu’s gone, we can’t let all his teachings go to waste. And Lloyd’s not the only one who can recite his lessons like a broken record.”

“Never put off until tomorrow what can be done today,” Cole recites in his best old man voice.

“Do or do not. There is no try,” Jay adds, also in a truly impressive Wu impression.

“It’s not the size of the ninja in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the ninja.”

“Iron sharpens iron–”

“I’m pretty sure Yang came up with that one,” Cole smirks.

“Yeah, but the superior version is brother sharpens brother.” Jay smiles genuinely, wrapping his arm around Cole’s shoulders.

Cole sighs, looking his brother in the eye. “Yeah. And you’re right by the way.”

Jay dramatically threw a hand against his chest, jaw dropping in faux surprise, “I’m right? Me? Jay Walker?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Cole rolls his eyes, “Don’t get used to hearing it. Your track record speaks for itself.”

“Uh huh. Uh huh.” Jay nods, despite it being clear that he wasn’t listening, “And what exactly did you say that I was right about? You know I talk a lot. Any one of those things could be it, but then I switch topics really easily. I’m not as bad as my parents, buuuuuuuut–”

“Shut up, Jay!” Cole exclaims overdramatically. Jay deflates with a smile, laughing on the inside. 

“Just… Thanks for sayin’ what I needed to hear,” Cole sighs, blinking heavily with exhaustion, “That I don’t need to have it all figured out. There’s a lot of stuff I gotta… sort through… mentally, and that takes time. Seems like everyday only adds to the pile.”

“Comes with the job,” Jay shrugs.

“Yeah,” Cole nods slightly, “And hey, you said you have shit you’re goin’ through too, right?”

Jay shook his head, his shoulders hiking up to his ears, “Oh, we don’t gotta–”

“When you’re ready,” Cole continues, “You can talk to me, okay? This whole ‘best friend’ thing goes both ways. Got it?”

“Yeah,” Jay nods, swallowing, “Thanks, man.”

“Anytime.”

Cole let out a deep yawn, arms stretching out in front of him, “All this… emotional stuff has completely taken it out of me. I’m totally beat.”

“Are you going to be okay?” Jay asks.

“Yeah. Yeah, ‘course. ‘lot better now,” Cole nods, leaning back down on his sleeping bag.

“Okay,” Jay smiles, “Goodnight, Cole. Sleep tight.”

Cole rolls over, facing away from him, waving a dismissive hand. “Something something bed bugs. Whatever,” he turns back to his brother one last time, “You sleep well too.”

“I will,” Jay chirps, wrapping himself back up in his blankets, “You’ll still be here when I wake up.”

Cole smiles. Closes his eyes.

He can hear the ambient sounds of bugs chirping and  Jay shifting and turning. Hyperactive even in his sleep. 

He can smell the mud and grass and the general air of nature around them.

He can feel his sleeping bag and the pillow beneath his head. But more than that, he can feel the earth beneath him; can feel the steady pulse tethered to his heartbeat. He feels centered. In tune with his element.

He drifts.

And for the first time in a long time, he sleeps peacefully.