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Chapter Text

7

“Mum, what time are they coming?” Caitlyn asks again, her feet bouncing off the pavement as she looks left and right toward the end of the block. 

Cassandra glances at her watch for the umpteenth time and feels her anger grow. They aren’t coming at all, that much is obvious now. Fifteen RSVPs, and not one parent bothering to call and cancel. Manners are lost, and Cassandra knows there’s nothing she can do to shield her little girl from the pain of disappointment. 

Caitlyn is wearing her teal knickerbockers and her favorite blouse today, picked out last week when she was planning out the whole day. Autumn has started off rather mild and Caitlyn was glad she could show off the tiny leaves and pinecones embroidered on her collar.

She’s clutching her notebook against her chest, excited to show her friends the ‘play plans’: She’s hidden her stuffed animals and dropped clues all over the house on how to find them. She’s buckled and unbuckled her shoes while waiting, impatient for her birthday party to start. 

The decorations are set, the cookies are on the plates, the chips in the bowls, the cups all tagged with her new friends’ names in neat cursive, or as neat as a seven-year-old can get. 

One hour past the invitation, Cassandra doesn’t know how to break the news to her daughter. Her friends aren’t coming — not a single one of them. 

“I have an idea, sweetheart. Why don’t we put some of the snacks in your adventure bag and go to the park? We’ll get ice cream, feed the ducks with the leftover peas–”

“But what about my party?” Caitlyn asks, confused by the sudden suggestion.  

“We can have a different kind; just you and I today.”

“I don’t understand,” Caitlyn replies quietly, glancing around. “Shouldn’t we wait for my friends?”

Cassandra takes her hand as they walk back inside the house. “This is all my fault.”

“Your fault?” Caitlyn repeats. 

Cassandra kneels in front of her in the foyer. “Caitlyn… I’ve just realised that I forgot to send the invitations. I was so busy that I convinced myself I did, when they must still be on my desk at work. I am so, so sorry. I’ve made a horrible mistake and you’ve every right to be angry with me.”

Caitlyn’s shoulders fall as her mother’s explanation sinks in. “But you said they were coming...”

“I must’ve gotten confused speaking with the parents. I think they meant they had early Halloween parties, and… Well, you know how it’s been with the move, with all those calls to make and documents to fill. I’ve lost my head, but that’s no excuse for ruining your birthday.”

It is a terrible thing to lie to her child, and Cassandra knows that one day she'll come to realise the truth. For now, Caitlyn is overwhelmed with disappointment, her eyes shining with tears and her bottom lip trembling. 

“They’re not coming?”

Cassandra brushes her thumb against the back of Caitlyn’s hand. “No, sweetheart, they’re not.”

Caitlyn seems stunned, unable to process the crash of her emotions. “O-oh, o-okay,” she says between deep breaths.

Cassandra’s heart squeezes in her chest. Every day, she faces the cruelty of grief and the agony of lonely nights after twenty years next to the man she loved. Every day, she grapples with the silence of depression and with the ghosts of happier memories, but it all seems like a dull ache in comparison to the wreck of watching her child lose her joy.

All at once, Cassandra feels the profound drain of this move across the country. At first there were distractions, and welcome ones at that, but now that they’re fully settled, that the moving boxes are all gone, that the lists are all ticked off and the furniture is all in place… Now she must face the reality that the world has kept on turning, and that Caitlyn cannot be shielded from the pain of growing up. 

Cassandra feels paralyzing despair when it strikes her, until Caitlyn throws her arms around her neck and squeezes her tightly. 

“It’s okay, mum. Don’t cry.”

Cassandra wraps her little girl in the embrace, feeling like a selfish dreck for even showing weakness when it’s her child needing the comfort. She thinks of Tobias and how he always had the right words, always had the right smile, and prays that she can have an ounce of his strength today. 

“You are my sweetest darling,” she tells her, pulling back to fix Caitlyn's collar and squeeze her shoulders. “We’re going to eat until our eyes pop today. All those chocolate bars are just for us, and then we’re going to CandyCove and the park!”

Caitlyn smiles, but Cassandra can see the light in her eyes has dimmed.

Chapter Text

8

Caitlyn adores football. By the time fall rolls in, teams have shaken off their rusty starts and group stages of the major competitions have kicked-off. At least, that's what her father used to explain every year while he cracked open his usual lemon soda and put his feet up on the coffee table, wearing his well-worn slippers. 

Sitting with Caitlyn on the couch, shoulder to shoulder, he would tell her all about the rules and chuckle when she'd nod and rest her head against his arm. His favorite team was from his hometown in Ionia, but they rarely showed it on television, something boring about airing rights he often grumbled about, so he settled on second best: Piltover Hex, or ‘the Hexes.’ (Caitlyn wonders if that's why her mum chose this city when they moved.)

Her mother always says she couldn’t care less about the sport, but sometimes Caitlyn catches her watching an old game they have recorded — often the same one, from decades ago when they won their first major trophy — with his blue and gold jersey on her lap, and she thinks maybe that’s not completely true. Maybe her mum just doesn’t want to remember he’s not there to turn the TV on. 

Sometimes it hurts Caitlyn to watch, especially when they score, because no one jumps up and cheers like he did, but it hurts more when she doesn’t. It feels like forgetting him; erasing him. The house is quiet and the couch cushions are cold. He would watch, so they watch it too. 

“Brody, Fiora, start picking your teams, let’s go!”

Caitlyn doesn’t much like the gym teacher. He’s distracted and he doesn't seem to care at all what they get up to. He wears the same faded green jacket and beige pants every day and it just seems to Caitlyn he does this job because there isn’t anything else he could do. 

Blowing his whistle and yelling are the extent of his nature. Well, that’s not true — sometimes he cracks his knuckles and elbows and lets out a satisfied ‘ahh’ that makes Caitlyn’s skin crawl.  

Today, Caitlyn feels nervous in a butterflies-in-your-belly, jittery way, because she’s good at football, and she can’t wait to play. Her dad used to say she had a strong left foot, and though she’s decent with her hands, she hopes she’s not put in goal. 

Before her dad—

Before, she played for the Shooting Sprouts, a little league where they’d make her the goalie by default because she was on the taller side. When her dad took her to the park, she would always, always be the striker. He never went easy on her, but he also made sure she was playing because she liked it, not because he did.

The feeling of shooting after dribbling past him, of scoring, was like flying. Like lifting off the ground and being out of her own body. And then he would grin so proudly that Caitlyn felt like maybe that was as fun as his team winning a trophy. 

Caitlyn hasn’t played much since, but she misses the feeling. Wants to soar high in the sky with her classmates today. 

Brody starts with his pick, saying, “Joey, duh,” and then Fiora immediately chooses her best friend Mayra. No surprises there. 

Caitlyn hopes Fiora picks her today, because Fiora is a natural at sports and her team will surely win. Caitlyn likes Fiora. Well, the whole class likes her. She’s on a popular fencing team that won a bundle of trophies this summer, and she’s always very sure of herself in class. 

Brody is well-liked too, mostly because he’s a goof with lots of ideas. He’s loud but he doesn’t have a mean bone in his body, always the first to yell at someone if they try to clap at a mosquito. He laughs like a hyena and burps the alphabet sometimes, but that’s a lot of boys. 

Of course both of them call out their closest friends’ names first, and that’s okay. Caitlyn expects that. Then they pick based on who they think might help them win, and that’s okay too. After all, they’ve never seen Caitlyn play. 

As the group of classmates waiting thins out, Caitlyn alternates between trying to meet Brody’s eyes and Fiora’s eyes. Their gazes slide past her and they call someone else, but it’s probably because they just don’t know her that well. It’s a class of 22 this year and she’s one of three new kids. 

Last year was… hard to remember. Caitlyn didn’t talk much. Didn’t do very well in class and almost got held back. She thinks that's probably why her friends stopped playing with her. She wasn't fun to be around. Her mum got her excused out of many things. Her heart went mad sometimes. The tears wouldn’t stop. Then, she saw Grayson for a few months after school and Grayson was helpful. 

Listened to her talk about her dad and listened to her cry, too. 

But after a while Caitlyn didn’t want to cry anymore, so she put all that in a little box and eventually Grayson said they could just see each other once a month. 

It’s a new year now, at a new school, because her mum said perhaps Zaun Elementary was just too big and overwhelming, and Caitlyn’s been excited to make new friends. Her mum said it might be difficult since the kids all know each other already, but that’s fine, Caitlyn knows a bunch of facts she can share, and she has good skills too. 

That’s why she understands why Brody and Fiora’s friends would feel bad if they didn’t pick them. It’s down to her and the two other new kids now, Robin and the blond boy who seems a little scary, to be honest, and only wants people to call him by his last name, ‘Salo.’ 

Fiora calls Robin, and then Caitlyn tries to catch Brody’s eyes. She really wishes she could show off her left foot, and oh, oh she can take corners and free kicks too! 

There’s a sudden blood rush to her ears and then a high-pitched ringing, but Caitlyn swallows and tries to remember the trick Grayson taught her, to just focus on the wind in her hair, take a deep breath, hold it, just focus on ‘the here, the now, how you’re safe, you’re–’

Everyone’s eyes are suddenly on her. Caitlyn realizes Brody just called Salo, but it’s Fiora throwing her head back in disappointment that makes Caitlyn’s excitement deflate in her chest like a balloon. 

Neither of them wanted to pick her. 

She feels small and embarrassed, like one of the insects in the zoo’s Bug House that kids grimace and ‘eww’ at, ready to move along before they even learn what they’re staring at. 

Fiora shrugs and doesn’t even say her name. It’s a given that Caitlyn is the only choice left, except she isn’t even a choice.  

“Caitlyn, you’re with Fiora, come on!” the teacher barks. “Everyone put their pinnies on and get on the field!” 

Caitlyn walks to Fiora’s group and waits in line to grab a green pinnie in the old plastic bag. She puts it on quietly, and then waits for Fiora and Mayra to decide who’ll play what. 

“You’re tall, so you’ll be goalie,” Fiora tells her, and then turns to someone else. 

Caitlyn sucks in her disappointment and nods her head. 

Chapter Text

9

Halloween is her favorite holiday. Caitlyn’s classmate Brody invited the whole class to a Trunk-or-treat in the park today, at 3PM on the dot.

Caitlyn was elated when he gave out the envelopes at school ten days ago. She didn’t speak to Brody much last year, or anyone really, but it was a good year anyway. There was a clump of other kids without a lot of friends, like Robin and Lily, who she sat with at lunch. They just didn’t share much. 

She spent a lot of time keeping her grades up, remembering how awful it felt when she couldn’t focus on anything, and then one day she came back from school and found a floppy-eared puppy in the living room with a tiny bow on his head.

“We — we have a dog?” she murmured, worried the dream would shatter if she didn’t.

“You have been doing so well, sweetheart,” her mum acquiesced. “Remember how my colleague Shoola volunteers at a shelter? She knew we’d been looking and told me about this frightened little puppy the day he arrived.”

Caitlyn hugged him tightly, her heart soaring when he pressed his snout against her neck. She giggled, ticklish, and waited for him to sniff her skin and hair. 

“He’s so small,” Caitlyn said, awed, and then looked up with a wide smile, “Oh, mum! Thank you!”

Cassandra sat next to them on the floor. “He’s a lovely Dobermann who’ll need plenty of training, but he’s ours.”

The puppy let out a whimper, perhaps overwhelmed. 

“Don’t be scared,” Caitlyn cooed as she petted his back. “You’re my best friend now, and I’m going to protect you.” 

Cassandra waited a moment before she asked, “What shall we name him?” 

Caitlyn thought about it for a long time, and then gave her mum a sheepish grin. “Striker.”

At eleven months old now, with the same floppy ears, Striker has grown into the sweetest boy. Her mum doesn’t want him on the furniture, but at night he sneaks into her bedroom and sleeps by her feet, and Caitlyn doesn’t feel so lonely anymore. 

“Goodnight, my Striker,” she says, and smiles when he starts snoring lightly.

Even if she didn’t make a human friend, there’s someone new in her life who seems to like her. Though it would still be nice to talk to the kids her age too. 

Today, Caitlyn’s finally able to wear her costume: She’s a zeppelin, which her dad would always describe when he read her His Dark Materials. She could’ve been a spyglass or an alethiometer, but an airship is more fun. 

And easier to make.

The park is covered in crunchy leaves when they arrive, with clusters of browns, yellows and reds everywhere. The air is crisp and it’s a bit cold, but Caitlyn feels good in her costume; her warm stockings, the cylinder-shaped cardboard box around her upper body where her arms stick out from two holes, and her grey beret. 

“All right, darling, are you sure you can move around with it?” 

Caitlyn nods. It’s clunky, but the paint is dry and the foam propellers are staying in place, which is all that matters.

Parents and kids meet up, and Caitlyn has made sure they brought two bags of normal candy bars. Everyone prefers those over the bite-size treats. 

As she watches her mum mingle with the parents with ease, all of them clumped around the wooden picnic tables with their tiny coffee cups, flannel shirts and bulky sweaters, Caitlyn wishes she could have her mother’s courage.

There isn’t a person her mum doesn’t know how to talk to. She says it’s her job to be friendly to people, especially because the mayor she works for is… doing an election, or something like that, but Caitlyn knows that’s not true. Her mum is just never scared of anything. 

“Are you… a blimp?”

Caitlyn blinks at Maddie, the new girl this year. She has bright grey eyes and cropped orange hair that she must’ve cut herself. She’s dressed as… likely a fox. It’s hard to say. 

“No, I’m an airship,” Caitlyn happily explains, tapping her fingers against the shiny silver cardboard that makes up the exterior of her costume. “If I were a blimp, I would’ve used something like fabric, because a bli-”

“Okay,” Maddie interrupts and then walks away. 

Caitlyn stands in the quiet for a moment, embarrassed that she annoyed her. 

*

The Trunk-or-treating goes fine. The adults smile and give her candy while she goes around their little stations by the picnic tables. It’s a bit… confusing. Much less mysterious than going to houses in the neighborhood. 

There’s no rush like when she walks up to a house covered in decorations and wonders who’ll open the door. There’s no surprise of which candy she’ll get. No one comments on her costume except a few parents who say ‘cool plane,’ which Caitlyn doesn't know how to respond to anymore. They probably won’t care about the difference either.

But afterward all the other kids start running around the park, and Brody shocks her when he runs up to her and touches her back, screaming, “TAG! YOU’RE IT!” and the other kids scamper in all directions, laughing and shrieking their heads off.

Caitlyn feels her chest bloom with excitement. She runs after Mayra and tags her, overjoyed to be a part of the game, to be running with them, chasing each other through the piles of leaves, up and down the muddy bumps, and Fiora even giggles with her when they both hide behind the same tree, trying to keep quiet.

Then as the game winds down the groups split apart, each in their own worlds, dressed as vampires, superheroes, witches and animals. Caitlyn finds herself following Brody, Joey, Elora and Maddie up a grassy hill, a bit further from their parents than they should, way past the old creaky gazebo.

There’s something thrilling about it. About exploring beyond what she’s supposed to. Being a part of Brody’s little pack. 

“Guys, look!” Joey announces, pointing to a line of trees at the edge of the park. “It’s Creepy Singed’s house!”

“That’s not very nice,” Elora tells him, and Caitlyn isn’t sure what it’s all about. 

There’s a house right behind the chain-link fence that goes around the park. It’s partially hidden by trees, but Caitlyn can see the old roof from here, with gaps in the tiles. 

“My dad says he’s a crackhead,” Joey blurts out. 

“Apparently he keeps his daughter in a glass box!” Brody exclaims. He’s dressed as a skeleton and looks a bit scary when his eyes go wide. 

“Alive?” Maddie asks, intrigued. 

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Elora points out.

“Yes it does, she’s right there in the living room,” Brody swears. “My brother saw her.” 

“Yeah, but your brother is a crackhead,” Joey says. 

“Stop saying everyone is a crackhead!” Elora bites. 

“What’s a crackhead?” Caitlyn quietly asks. 

“If you don’t believe me, let’s all go and see!” Brody challenges. “My brother said there’s a hole in the fence.”

“Fine,” Elora replies with a shrug, and then takes off with her witch's broom. 

“Come on, Caitlyn, hurry up!”

It’s so jarring to hear Brody call her name again that Caitlyn follows immediately, over the moon that they want her there, that she’s really a part of the group, that she’s in on the adventure, and excited to peek inside the spooky old house. 

Caitlyn slows as she watches them squeeze through the breach in the fencing. The fence in this part is loose and rusty, like someone took a bolt cutter to it not so long ago. 

Joey’s vampire cape gets snagged on a jagged wire end, but he laughs it off when it rips. 

“Shhh!” Elora hisses as they sneak through the other side, toward the rotten wooden posts around the house. 

Caitlyn feels her heartbeat quicken when she struggles through the gap, her costume too big and awkward to fit through. 

She squirms and wriggles, trying not to make too much noise, but the fence starts to squeak and her hands go clammy. 

“Wait, please,” she calls after them, but the group is nowhere to be seen. 

Panicking now, Caitlyn twists and flails against the wiring.

“Wait! Help!”

Jagged wires poke and tear into the cardboard and foam of her costume, keeping her stuck.

Bursting with worry, Caitlyn gnashes her teeth and uses her full strength, pulling and tearing herself away until she’s freed. She stumbles forward, crashing headfirst onto the ground, where something horribly sharp jabs into her eye. 

Caitlyn lets out a scream of pain as she clutches her eye. 

She looks around, so afraid when the group starts running back toward her. At first confused, they soon start screaming too when they see her. 

Something warm and thick drips down her fingers, and everything is a blurry red. 

The kids go running in all directions, except Maddie, who jogs toward her. 

“Help! Help! Over here!” Maddie shouts, waving at someone Caitlyn can’t see. 

In shock, unable to find her voice except to cry, Caitlyn looks at her hand and realizes what’s happened. She’s bleeding. From the eye.

Her stomach drops before everything goes dark.

*

Cassandra has never felt this sick. This terrified. Like her mind isn’t at all in her body. Like she could tear her hair out; could scream at every bloody doctor and every bloody nurse to do better. 

They’re doing everything they can, she knows, but her agony feels blinding. Her baby is in surgery and there is nothing she can do. They told her about the punctured eyeball, how they will try everything so that she may have partial vision, but it all seems like a nightmare. 

All Cassandra can think about is Caitlyn’s excitement in the morning, talking about her costume and how much she loves Halloween. Talking about trying her hardest to make closer friends this year. And Cassandra prayed she would; that she would meet someone as kind, as openhearted, as enthusiastic about the world and its oddities as her daughter is. 

Instead Caitlyn is here, a tiny body in this gargantuan hospital, and her entire life has changed. 

*

Caitlyn wakes slowly in the middle of the night, looking so small in her bed that Cassandra worries she will somehow be swallowed by the mass of blankets and pillows. 

Her eye is covered and protected with an eye shield, and though the surgery was successful, it is a certainty her vision will be forever altered. 

At first there is confusion, and Caitlyn is still groggy and scared. Cassandra holds her hand tightly, and when her daughter cries she does what any mother can. She kisses her cheek and forehead, speaks the words she hopes will soothe her, and stays by her side until she falls asleep again, and then through the rest of the night. 

*

Doctors come and go. Caitlyn doesn’t seem to understand much at all, except that this is permanent. 

When Cassandra comes back with snacks in the morning, right from the vending machine, she finds Caitlyn staring at the wall, one finger prodding at the plastic dome that covers her eye. 

“Caitlyn, you mustn't touch it.”

Caitlyn retracts her hand, but her lip starts to tremble as she looks at her mother. 

“Mummy?” she asks so quietly, so hesitantly, that Cassandra’s heart shatters a little more. 

“What is it, darling? Do you need something? I have pretzels and even a little–”

Caitlyn sniffles, feeling something heavy settle on her chest. “Am — am I a bad person?” she whimpers. 

She sees her mother’s face go pale and tears fill her eyes. “Oh my Caitlyn, you are the loveliest person in the world. You are so sweet, and good, and kind.”

Caitlyn swallows back a lump. “When daddy and I watched The Lion King, he said a lot of bad things happened to Scar to make him a bad person.”

“They happen to good people, too, my love. They happen to good people every day, but they don’t have to change who you are. You’re going to get healthier, and this will only make you stronger.”

“Is Maddie okay?”

“Maddie?”

“She was nice to me,” Caitlyn says, remembering Maddie calling for help when no one else did. “I think she could be my friend.”

“Maddie is perfectly fine," Cassandra replies, "but you don’t have to think about school right now.”

“I like school,” Caitlyn murmurs, and then feels a throbbing headache. She groans in pain. 

Cassandra caresses the back of her hand and watches as her daughter tries to fight sleep. 

“Mummy…” she whispers again, but trails off into nothing. 

“I’m right here, my love. I’m not going anywhere.”

Chapter Text

10

Caitlyn’s favorite eyepatch is dark blue and velvet. She has four now, even though her mum prefers when she wears the rigid ones. Those are heavier and the elastic leaves a mark, but during the summer they help with bright lights a little better. 

It’s the velvet Caitlyn feels safest wearing. She can't explain why, only that it’s as soft as Striker’s ears. Sometimes she even forgets it’s there, and those are the best moments. 

Her eye is dull now. Her mum calls it a beautiful cloud, but to Caitlyn it just looks dead, like the eyes of the fish at the harbor market. It works and at the same time it doesn’t. 

She remembers a really old television they used to have. Sometimes the picture would go all wonky, the colors would jump and twist, the brightness would act mad, and then there’d be a swarm of black and white dots buzzing inside the screen like flies. 

Her dad would smash his fist on top of the TV and the picture would suddenly come back on. He’d beam and say, “There, works perfectly!”

And the next day the screen would go black again. 

Every time the doctor tries to explain how her eye functions, Caitlyn pictures the TV and wishes her dad could just bop the top of her head and say, “There, sweetest. Works perfectly.”

Instead it’s stuck on broken, and if she keeps her eye open too long, sometimes she sees sudden streaks of light piercing through; or shadows, shapes and spots that she doesn’t understand. 

She prefers the dark blur over everything else. 

So she keeps the eyepatch on. 

* 

At first, the other kids used to talk to her a lot. Before she came back to school, they gave her candy, Get Better cards and even flowers. Then she came back and they all wanted to know how she was doing, how it felt, if she wanted to sit with them at lunch. 

But after a while they got used to her again. Pirate jokes slipped in slowly, got boring, and then Caitlyn thinks maybe being around her got boring too. 

Only Maddie stayed. 

Caitlyn likes being around Maddie. She’s different. Her moods can be confusing, especially when she gets annoyed at something, but she picks Caitlyn in gym class and she talks to her. 

Maddie doesn’t care about her eyepatch or the looks they get. It’s just that… often the accident is all she talks about, and Caitlyn wishes they could play video games or study together instead. 

If she asks, “Do you want to play with me after school?” Maddie will often answer, “Can you even play too hard? You’ll hurt yourself.” And when kids at school ask Caitlyn about the day it happened, Maddie slips in that she was there, that she was the one who found her and called for help. 

Of course that’s true, and… Caitlyn understands that it must’ve been very scary for Maddie. Caitlyn didn’t see herself in the moment — the injury, the blood — but Maddie did. She saw everything. 

It makes sense that it’s something she needs to talk about. Like when Caitlyn saw a horror movie scene once while flipping through channels, with lots of blood and screaming. It made her chest heavy for days just thinking about it. 

But… sometimes Caitlyn just wants to focus on sillier things. 

*

It’s Piltover’s first autumn fair and their school is participating in the inaugural show. There’s a hay maze, a pumpkin patch, and stalls selling food, drinks, trinkets and crafts.

The stage is outside on an old sports field and it looks like a circus tent to Caitlyn, with a big white makeshift rooftop that blows in the wind. The air smells like hay, caramel apples, and other sweet things Caitlyn can’t place.

They wait a while before it’s their class’ turn to go up on stage. It’s the younger kids first, the tiny tots in their chestnut, acorn and pumpkin costumes, who don’t really know what they’re doing on stage, and it ends up looking like teachers wrangling chickens running around. 

The crowd loves it anyway, laughing their heads off.

Caitlyn hopes they don’t laugh at her. In the street, when people notice her eyepatch, they usually stare, frown, look sad or can’t hide a smile. Her mum calls them gits, twits and prats, and that makes Caitlyn feel a little better, mostly because her mum never swore in front of her before. 

“All right, kids, we’re on!” their teacher says. 

All the classes have their own theme and theirs landed on a ‘crisp, autumn morning.’

So, Caitlyn is an old lantern. She’s wearing yellow and orange clothes to make her body the flame, and her arms are sticking out of the transparent box they put her in, which is just a bunch of taut cellophane stretched around a cardboard frame. 

It wasn’t her choice of costume, but at least she has a line. 

It’s... it’s…

She freezes on stage. There’s a lot of wind and the music slows down.

A lantern isn’t supposed to have an eyepatch. They must be confused. They must be staring. 

Salo nudges her and says, “Come on!” and it helps her move her feet.  

“Hello!” she squeaks out toward the crowd, moving along before her classmates dressed as clouds and raindrops roll in. 

The music starts up louder again, so she follows Salo — he’s also a lantern — down the stairs on the side of the stage.

It’s definitely not her favorite production. 

Maddie is the first to find her in the little space away from the stage where they all gather. 

“Did you hear them laugh?” Maddie squeals. She’s dressed up as ‘the orange cat stretching in the sunrise.’ A much more prominent role. “They laughed when I stretched and yawned!” 

“You were really good,” Caitlyn agrees. Maddie can be anyone and anything. She truly acted like a cool cat. 

Maddie smiles proudly and then sighs. “It’s okay, by the way. It was a big stage and they were all staring at us.”

Caitlyn suddenly feels small. She made a mistake. She rehearsed it a hundred times in her bedroom and she still made a mistake. 

“You think they know?” she asks quietly.

Maddie squeezes her arm. “I think it was obvious, but it’s just a stupid show anyway. It was for toddlers.” Maddie beams at her father. “I’ll see you later!” 

Caitlyn watches her run toward him and feels… angry. 

Jealous. 

“There you are, my little lantern.”

Caitlyn looks up at her mother and wants to cry. 

“It wasn’t the right line.”

Cassandra’s smile fades. “What do you mean?”

“I should’ve said ‘Good morning’ not ‘Hello.’ I messed it up.” 

“Oh. Well, honestly, darling, there was a lot of wind and we couldn’t hear anyone.” 

For some reason that makes Caitlyn angrier. “I couldn’t say it right.”

Her mum’s features soften, but Caitlyn feels so embarrassed it makes her want to crawl inside her costume. She wishes the stupid box wasn’t see-through. 

“It’s just one line, Caitlyn.”

“And I got it wrong.”

Cassandra takes her hand and leads her out of the crowd. She makes a sign at someone and Caitlyn thinks she sees her teacher wave back, but there’s too much noise and too many people around. 

It should’ve been a great day. Everything looks so pretty. 

And Caitlyn has never felt so ugly. 

“Why don’t we get a box of apple cider doughnuts?” Cassandra suggests, but Caitlyn looks toward the booth and feels sick to her stomach. 

There’s a group of five kids she doesn’t know, and those can mean trouble. 

The taller girl with wild pink hair looks tough as nails, dressed as a scarecrow with patchwork pants, an oversized flannel shirt, and makeup stitches on her face. She’s holding a smaller girl dressed as a crow on her shoulders, and the three boys next to them are dressed as a spooky farmer, a pumpkin and a ghost. 

They look like cool kids who aren’t afraid of anything, and Caitlyn shrinks in worry at the thought of them spotting her. Groups can be the meanest. At the shopping centre, or sometimes even during break time, one kid might start pointing at her, and then everyone follows, staring and snickering. 

It’s not worth the doughnut. 

“I’m not hungry,” Caitlyn murmurs. “I just want to go home.”

“But sweetheart, the fair’s just-”

“Please, mum.” 

Cassandra nods her head. “All right, let’s go home. We’ll take Striker on his evening walk and then have a proper hot chocolate, what do you think?”

Caitlyn doesn’t care either way. “I wish dad was here,” she admits quietly. 

“He is, darling,” her mum replies after a beat, hand squeezing hers. “He’s right here with us. Always.”

Caitlyn wants it to be true. Wants to believe they’re both holding her hand and she’s happily squished between her parents, but there’s no one on her left. She can’t even feel him. 

It’s just cold air and the mucky ground. 

“No, he’s not.”

Chapter Text

11

“We think he found some discarded grapes at the park. Blink-and-you’ll-miss-it during fetch." 

Caitlyn sits next to her mother as she speaks quietly on the phone. Her voice is even, professional, and it’s a side of her that Caitlyn doesn’t know well. 

Every passing second, the hollow feeling in her chest seems to grow, like someone is digging a hole inside there. 

“Yes, we’re about to leave the clinic now. They’ve put him on an IV and will keep us in the loop. We hope the worst is behind him.”

Cassandra rubs the back of her daughter’s shoulder, unable to provide any other comfort for now. The chairs in the waiting room are hard plastic and the air is stale. The lights are a bright white and those are always too harsh for Caitlyn. She's been trying to keep a brave face all night, but there’s only so much a child can take. 

There is no world in which Cassandra leaves her alone today. They haven’t slept a wink and the day will start soon. Exhaustion will catch up to her daughter, and with that the crash of heightened emotions.  

“Of course,” she reassures the mayor, grateful for her understanding. It isn’t everyday your policy advisor calls at 6AM with a personal emergency. “I’ve already forwarded all my notes to Ximena so she’s up to speed. I’ve no doubt she’ll be brilliant in front of Torman.”

Caitlyn stares at the fish tank in the room, which almost spans the entire wall. The fish are colorful; swimming around with little care in the world. But maybe they do care about many things. Maybe the lights sting them too; the sounds are too loud; the water too warm or cold. And what is there to do about it but swim?

“Thank you, Ambessa. I really do appreciate it.”

Mayor Medarda is the tallest woman Caitlyn has ever met, with arms that can crush pumpkins (she has seen it happen at the fair). Caitlyn doesn’t know much about her, except that sometimes she’s the reason her mum comes back from work needing a glass of wine. 

She says Ambessa is a brilliant politician, but that on various topics adults disagree ‘at their core’ and it is delicate to navigate such situations. Mayor-ing seems like complex business, and Caitlyn finds it difficult to care about the endless talk of paperwork. 

Talk, talk, talk, and that about sums it up.

*

When Cassandra stops the car, everything goes quiet. The sun hasn’t started to rise and the wind is calm. She can’t hear the neighbours’ wood chimes or Amara’s lawn sprinklers. For a moment, it’s as if time has stopped. 

“Would you like some breakfast, sweetheart?” she asks her daughter, though she couldn't explain why when she already knows the answer. Perhaps to distract Caitlyn. To give her a sense of routine. To talk and fill the silence. 

Caitlyn shakes her head, which is no surprise. 

“All right. Let’s go inside.”

Cassandra keeps an eye on the back of her head as she takes off her shoes. 

And then it happens.

Caitlyn sees Striker’s empty bed in the living room and stops. Her shoulders start to shake and then the dam bursts.

She lets out a cry, at first trying to suppress it, but then the sobs wrack her body. “It was my fault, it was my fault, it was my fault—”

Cassandra drops her bag and rushes to her, cupping her face. “It was not your fault, Caitlyn. You're in no way responsible for what others leave behind them.”

Caitlyn rips away from her, and Cassandra is shocked by her strength. The anger in her eye — how her frown deepens. 

“It was my fault! He’s hurt! He’s in pain and I’m supposed to protect him!” Caitlyn tastes salt and finds it difficult to breathe. “I’m a h-horrible friend.”

Her mother pulls out a handkerchief and wipes her nose and cheeks, as if she were a toddler again. 

“Stop!” Caitlyn shouts, but her mother seizes her shoulders and holds her gaze.

“Listen to me, Caitlyn. Striker ate something he saw on the ground and then ran back to us. It happened quickly and you cannot blame yourself. What matters is you did notice when something was wrong because you know him and how he behaves.”

Caitlyn struggles to slow her breathing, overwhelmed by a string of horrible thoughts. “He didn’t know that — that everything would change if h-he did that… and now he’s all… alone… and hurting… he can't do what he loves... and I was too… stupid!” 

She speaks between rapid inhales, panicked, and Cassandra doesn’t know if she realizes what she’s saying. If she's so exhausted the line between Striker and herself has completely blurred.  

Cassandra kneels in front of her, feeling at a loss herself on how to console her child. Gone are the days when she could just wrap her up in her arms and promise it would all work out. Caitlyn won't accept such blanket statements anymore. She has been through too much loss and she knows the pain of hope. 

“Caitlyn. Look at me. Please.” 

Caitlyn looks up, meeting her gaze. There are tears on her mother’s cheeks and she feels her hands tremble on her shoulders. 

“It was an accident,” Cassandra insists, “and accidents happen no matter what precautions we take, no matter our good intentions or our good hearts.”

She brushes her thumbs over Caitlyn's tears, then takes a breath to steel herself. Caitlyn needs to be reassured on all points or she will never manage to sleep. 

“Now, Striker is in excellent hands and they were optimistic when we left. The clinic will call when there’s further news, so I’ll be near my phone every minute until then. In the meantime, I’d like you to get some rest.”

“I can’t, I can’t,” Caitlyn blubbers. 

Cassandra knows Caitlyn believes it; that she can’t imagine sleeping while so ravaged with guilt, but she is so drained that her body will surely give out as soon as she’s in bed. 

“Darling, by the time you wake up we’ll surely know more. It would be much easier if you just slept through this wait, just like Striker is doing.” 

At that, Caitlyn seems to calm down. Her breathing slows and she allows her mum to wipe her face again. 

“You’ll wake me up?” she sniffles. 

Cassandra pushes her long, silky hair behind her ear and fixes the twisted elastic of her eyepatch, which Caitlyn must have toyed with too much. “Of course.”

*

At 2PM, Caitlyn wakes to the sound of her mother’s phone ringing. She is groggy and could still sleep, but then she remembers the call, Striker, and—

“Yes, this is she.”

Caitlyn holds her breath. She stares at the shadows on the wall of her room; the sliver of sunlight that managed to sneak around her thick curtain. 

“Oh, thank you. Thank you. We’ll be there first thing in the morning.”

There’s more Caitlyn can’t make out and then she sees her mother in the doorway. 

Cassandra walks to the bed and beams at her. “Striker is doing very well. They want to be cautious and observe him a while longer, but we can pick him up tomorrow morning.” 

Caitlyn feels her chest crack open and let go of something so terribly heavy that she could almost fly. 

Instead, she throws herself in her mother’s arms. 

*

Striker is tired at first, but after just a few hours home, he is running circles around Caitlyn while she laughs.

Cassandra never wants to leave the house. Oh she will have to, tomorrow and the day after, and hopefully this accident will fade and leave behind a scar that they will barely remember, but today she is staying here.

When she peeks inside Caitlyn’s room that evening, finding her fast asleep, Striker lifts his head from her feet and tilts it to the side. Cassandra has never been more glad to see him on furniture, challenging her authority. 

“Don’t you dare scare us again, young man,” she warns him sternly. 

No longer worried she’ll chase him from the bed, he rests his head by Caitlyn’s legs and closes his eyes. 

Cassandra leaves the door ajar and smiles when she passes the family photos in the corridor. She stops at the one of Caitlyn on her father’s lap. 

It was winter in Ionia — Caitlyn’s first trip — and Caitlyn had so many layers under her white puffy coat that she ended up looking like the Michelin Man. 

Tobias laughed so hard when he first saw her toddle toward him that he swore he cracked a rib. It was his mother who took this picture, just two months before she passed away. How he treasured this trip; watching his mother carry his daughter. 

Cassandra adores his mischievous grin in this photo; how boyish he looks despite being in his late thirties. How his eyes twinkle as he stares at the camera while Caitlyn seems oblivious as to why her father is so amused. Her round baby cheeks are rosy from the cold air and her big blue eyes look up adoringly at her father. 

Cassandra meets his gaze and chuckles. He would’ve been gleeful if he’d witnessed her lose a battle against the dog. 

“Oh, don’t look at me like that, Tobs. It’s just for tonight. And… well, I suppose I’m going a little soft with age.”

*

It’s a week to Halloween and Caitlyn still isn’t used to her new school. Everything’s changed. They’re in the brick building on the other side of the street now, and just like that they’ve gone from the oldest kids to the youngest. She’s never felt more like an ant walking among trees. 

Their lockers are bigger now and hers is purple, just three lockers away from Maddie’s. 

Maddie was really sweet after Striker came back from the clinic. She came to her house several times and played with them. 

But she’s different at school — even cold sometimes. Caitlyn doesn’t really understand how a person can change like that, in the blink of an eye. 

Maddie has been discussing their Halloween plans for the weekend, where they'll be Trick-or-treating. There'll be plenty of kids in the area and she hopes they can mingle with a few. 

“I’m going as Violet Baudelaire," Caitlyn reveals, animated. “I have a short-sleeved blue blouse and-”

“Who?” Maddie blinks. 

“From A Series of Unfortunate Events.”

“Nobody watches that stuff,” Maddie replies. 

“It’s a book.”

“Why can’t you go as a witch or a ghost? We’re supposed to be scary.”

Caitlyn feels something grow in the pit of her stomach. Something painful like when she saw Striker vomit after the park. “What about the kids dressed like Spider-Man or Ariel?”

“You can do that if you want.”

“I don’t,” Caitlyn argues.

“Right, because you always need to be interesting.”

Caitlyn's heart drops. “That’s not true. I just want to have fun like you.”

A group of tall, teenage girls passes by and Caitlyn notices how Maddie seems to shrink, as if trying to make herself smaller. She looks… embarrassed. 

“It’s basically a new school,” Maddie says quietly. “Everyone is older than us here.”

“What about it?”

“Don’t you understand?” Maddie asks. “There’s way more people and they don’t know anything about us yet. We could actually make friends this year.”

“Well, yes, that’s exciting.” 

“So…” Maddie motions to her and sighs. “Can’t you just try to be less… you know. Please?”

Caitlyn swallows. “Okay. I think I understand.”

Maddie squeezes her arm and smiles. “I’m going to the restroom. See you in geography.” 

Caitlyn closes her locker and looks around. It’s much busier here. 

She sees a group of friends who must be at least fourteen. They're laughing together and pushing each other around. Two of the girls hug before they go down different hallways and then the group breaks apart. They look back over their shoulders and make gestures at each other. 

Caitlyn wishes she had a friend who would hug her like that. Who would look over their shoulder after they said goodbye. Who would smile at her because she made them happy. 

She loves her mum so much; loves being held by her. But it’s different. 

Maybe Maddie is right. She hasn’t been trying hard enough to be like everyone else. They don’t like when she talks too much about things she learned. She’s not the teacher. 

I’ll just go as a ghost, she thinks. A normal, quiet ghost. 

That’ll make Maddie happy.

Chapter Text

12

Maddie starts playing volleyball over the summer and falls in love with it. She’s wicked fast and the coach raves about her pinpoint aim. 

Caitlyn catches one of their games and wishes she could join, but most team sports won’t allow her to play, even with eye shields or helmets. Something about insurance. 

Her mother’s encouraged her to explore different sports, but nothing ever feels like kicking a ball in the back of the net. She’s taken up swimming, mostly because the prescription goggles make her feel normal. Everyone looks the same at the pool, with their silly swim caps and flip-flops, but it’s not like being a part of something. It’s just her and the water. 

Maddie’s started talking about two girls on her team more often, and Caitlyn can tell she really likes them. It’s just hard for Maddie to figure out if they like her. 

Welcome to the club, Caitlyn thinks. 

“Alice invited us to her house this Saturday,” Maddie tells her one afternoon during lunch. 

Caitlyn isn’t sure if she heard her right, so she looks around the lunch room and tries to spot Alice in the crowd. She’s in a different class, with a different schedule, but sometimes they bump into each other and Maddie gets all nervous. 

“Us?” Caitlyn repeats. 

Maddie pushes around the pasta on her plate. “Hm-mm. There’s going to be a makeup station and we’re going to do our hair and nails, too.”

“Oh. Why?” Caitlyn asks. “Your hair’s already nice.”

Caitlyn doesn’t know much about everyday makeup or haircare. She tried foundation once and it felt like being covered in cookie dough. Her hair just wants to hang straight down, even when her mum tried curling it for her Reggie Rocket costume. 

“It’s just for fun,” Maddie replies sharply. “Why do you have to be a drag and overthink everything?”

Caitlyn startles at the insult. Maddie’s never said that before and it hurts more coming from her best friend than anything else. “I don’t. I was just curious.”

Maddie starts picking at her food, fidgeting. She looks up, meeting Caitlyn’s eye, looking remorseful. It’s in these moments that Caitlyn feels Maddie’s softness the most. That she sees the girl who came to see her after her injury, who sneaked in candy, who hung out with her at her house, who walked with her after school and made time feel less like a crawl. 

“Sorry,” Maddie murmurs. “I just find Alice really cool. Last year was… lonely, and now we’re finally being invited to things.”

“Are you sure she invited me?”  

“She said we’ll be doing each other’s makeup, so we need to be in pairs.”

It doesn’t really make sense to Caitlyn, or answer the question, but she figures Maddie knows what Alice meant when she invited her. 

“Okay.” 

“So you’ll come?” Maddie asks, taking a breath. 

Caitlyn can see how important it is to her. “Of course.”

*

“Do you know her full name, darling?” Cassandra asks her at dinner. 

“Glasc, I think. They’re in Zaun. Her mum is picking us up from Maddie’s.”

Cassandra helps herself to more cabbage. “That’s what I thought. Renata Glasc's daughter.”

“You know her?”

Caitlyn doesn’t know how to read her mother’s expression. She’s always very good at hiding what she feels. 

“Renata is our mayor’s new communications director.” 

“Oh. Is she nice?”

Cassandra presses her lips together. “She’s excellent at her job.”

That’s that. 

Caitlyn finishes her stir-fry and afterward they walk Striker around the block. He loves the late night, especially in the fall. The wind makes the crunchy leaves dance around and that makes him wag his tail like he’s about to get a treat. In the park, he’d jump into every pile of dead leaves if he could. 

Before she falls asleep, Caitlyn continues reading The Hobbit and wonders what she would do if she ever found the One Ring. Being invisible isn’t all that exciting, especially since the Nazgûl would chase after her. Oh well, maybe they could get along. 

“One Ring to find all the dumplings,” she tells Striker, who’s already snoring. 

Then she sets the book aside, turns off the light and sinks deeper into her bed, warm and snug under the blanket. She stares at the ceiling and smiles to herself, thinking, One Ring to find a friend who really, really likes me. 

Most evenings end that way. There’s the computer and the TV, and Caitlyn’s kept up with her father’s love of movies and shows, but it’s mostly daydreaming that keeps her mind the busiest. She fills her nights with other worlds, great dragons and great adventurers, with time-bending friendships, and after a while it shrinks the empty spaces nicely. 

*

Caitlyn stutters when Alice first grins a ‘hey’ at her. She couldn’t even explain why, only that both her and Margot are very… pretty. But then Sky comes, and Caitlyn really starts to feel like a sore thumb. Sky doesn't bring anyone else, so they're just five after all and Alice doesn't seem to care. 

The Glasc house is huge, looking like one of the homes in the magazines her mum browses at the salon. There are modern paintings with big red dots meeting yellow streaks, marble tables, white carpets, and few family photos. She wonders if they just haven’t been able to make it their own yet. 

They spend the afternoon in Alice’s bedroom, which is bigger than most living rooms. They never bring up snacks, which worries Caitlyn — she didn’t eat thinking there’d be some and gets anxious her stomach will growl when there’s a lull. That’d be embarrassing. 

“Caitlyn, your hair is so nice,” Alice says after Sky braids hers. "Do you want a high ponytail?"

"Um, okay," Caitlyn mumbles, concerned that'll just pull the hair completely out of her face. The side bang usually helps cover her eyepatch a little. 

Alice gets up from her puffy floor cushion and stands behind Caitlyn to gather her hair. Her fingers brush against Caitlyn’s neck and it’s such a nice feeling that Caitlyn jolts in surprise. 

“Uh, did I hurt you?” 

“No, s-sorry,” Caitlyn replies, and then feels a blush on her cheeks. “I didn’t expect that.”

She can see Margot and Maddie meet Alice’s eyes, and then they smile, biting their lips to stop from laughing. 

“Okayyy,” Alice says once she's done, going around to grab her makeup bag. “I’m gonna do a full glam! Margot, can you take pictures?”

“Duh.”

Margot whispers something in her ear before they disappear in the adjoining bathroom and Caitlyn feels her chest tighten. She watches Sky apply makeup on Maddie, who’s slowly started to open up all afternoon. 

They mostly talked about their volleyball team, really getting into it with some memories of the summer, but Caitlyn didn’t mind that. It was interesting to hear about the team dynamics. 

It’s just been curious to see this side of Maddie. She never said anything about makeup or fashion before. Caitlyn even remembers her saying she’d just wear camo and baggy shirts for the rest of her life if she could. Now she reminds Caitlyn of a puppy. Following Alice and Margot with her eyes whenever they move around. Agreeing to everything they say. Smiling at all their jokes, even the stupid, mean ones about the slower girls on their team. 

And Caitlyn starts to wonder if that’s how she acts around Maddie. 

To occupy herself, she looks at herself in the handheld mirror. The ponytail looks fine. She looks…

Fine. The eyepatch hides most of the scar, but she hopes they don’t take pictures of her anyway. Nobody has anything nice to say on social media.  

She digs through one of the makeup bags and picks up the eyeliner to try it. She’s always liked that look on women in movies, especially when it’s smoky or messy. Those are always the coolest characters. But the line on her is crooked and she immediately feels stupid. 

“Here, let me do it,” Sky offers, shuffling from Maddie to her. 

Sky kneels right in front of her and wipes off the smudge with a wet cotton ball. “Try to stay still, okay?”

Caitlyn freezes a little when Sky gently cups her jaw and then applies the eyeliner with her other hand. “Do you have some on?” Caitlyn murmurs. 

Sky grins. “Yeah, but thanks for pretending it’s not obvious.”

Caitlyn toys with her own fingers on her lap, feeling her heart race. She’s never been this close to a girl’s face before. Sky smells really nice, and her smile is beautiful. 

“Where did you learn how to do this?” 

“My mom’s a makeup artist for a theatre company.” Sky pulls back. “There. Perfect.”

Caitlyn looks at it in the mirror and loves how thin and natural it looks. Like it’s a part of her eye, just there to make the blue pop a little more.  

“Your eye color is really pretty,” Sky compliments, and then, just between them: “I bet you’re gonna break so many hearts.”  

It’s so jarring that it takes a few seconds for Caitlyn to understand it. It’s the first time someone talks to her like that and it’s the first time Caitlyn even thinks about herself that way. That she’s someone who’s going to be... dating. Breaking hearts. Her. 

“Why do you think that?” she whispers as Sky flicks her wrist and then caps the eyeliner. 

Sky cups her hand over her ear and says, “Because we just met and I already like you more than them.”

Then she winks and goes back to Maddie, who gives Caitlyn a puzzled frown before asking Sky for a winged eyeliner look. 

The whole time after, Caitlyn fights a big, dopey smile to avoid having Maddie ask her about it. 

She's going to keep that to herself.

*

Sky and her family move suddenly a few weeks later, after her father gets a job opportunity on the other side of the country, and after a while it feels like Caitlyn made up the whole thing. Maddie starts to take Sky’s place in the trio, and soon she hangs out more with Alice and Margot and has little time for her. 

Caitlyn feels disheartened about it at first, barely managing to meet Maddie’s eyes when they pass by each other in the hallway, but then it starts to feel like she doesn’t… miss Maddie. 

She misses someone talking to her. Sitting with her at lunch. She misses planning to hang out together, even if she often wound up disappointed that Maddie didn’t care about her ideas. 

Looking back, it feels like Maddie just wanted her there to pass the time. Like she knew Alice and Margot would come along eventually. And after Caitlyn spends her birthday with her mum and Striker, blowing out her candles in the kitchen, she thinks maybe she was okay with being used. At least she could pretend someone outside of her household wanted to be with her.

Once autumn has passed and winter rolls in, the biting cold makes swimming unappealing and she gives up on it, tired of forcing herself to like something she doesn’t. 

She wonders how Maddie did it for so long.

And then she wonders if those are the only friends she’ll ever have. Kids who’d rather be with someone they don’t like rather than be alone.

Chapter Text

13

“Darling, your phone is charged? You checked?” Cassandra asks.

“Yes,” Caitlyn repeats.

“You call me if anything goes wrong. I’ll be here all night watching my documentary.”

Caitlyn smiles at her mother. “If that’s what you want to call it.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I just didn’t realise Rose Boulevard is a documentary, that’s all.” 

“Rose Boulevard?” Cassandra repeats, scoffing. “Why on earth would I watch such nonsense? Really, Caitlyn.”

“Hm-mm.” Caitlyn pretends to fuss with her costume, double-checking her holsters won’t fall. “Oh, I read somewhere that the actor who plays Bo is being recast for season 27.” 

Cassandra immediately looks up from her paper. “What! That’s absurd! The entire show hinges on his chemistry with-” She  cuts herself off, pressing her lips together.

“You were saying, mum?” Caitlyn asks in an angelic tone. 

“I forgot. It’s been a tiring day.” Cassandra huffs, fighting a smile “You’re going to be late for the party.” 

As Caitlyn goes to open the front door, Cassandra gets up to kiss her on the forehead. 

“You be very careful with-”

“It’s four blocks away and there are already kids in the street.”

“I know, I know. My little Hawkeye. You have fun.”

“It was a mass invitation,” Caitlyn reminds her. “I bet it’ll be chaos.”

“Well, the more the merrier. Besides, I know Renni. I’m sure there’ll be responsible adults keeping an eye on things.”

When Caitlyn hesitates in the doorway, Cassandra squeezes her shoulder. “What is it, darling? You were so looking forward to this.”

“It’s just…” 

The year was long without Maddie. There was a boy, Steb, who she’d thought might be her friend after they were paired together in their lab classes. He listened intently when she spoke — or at least it seemed that way to Caitlyn, who was more used to being cut off — and he was fine with Caitlyn sitting in front of him during lunch, though he rarely said anything at all.

A comfortable quiet grew between them, until one day, when Caitlyn was leafing through Birding Basics in the library, he suddenly came alive, as if a switch had been flipped. 

Steb was an avid birdwatcher, and listening to him rave about his nature walks felt surreal. Here was the boy who’d barely managed to tell her his name suddenly going into the differences between rooks and jackdaws.

It was lovely, and from then on Steb even perked up when she sat next to him, or asked him about his birdwatching over the weekend. He became more comfortable with dialogue too, asking Caitlyn about her week, what she might want to do in life, and for three months he was the highlight of her days. 

But Steb was ill — “Rare blood disorder that no one can figure out” he’d mumble — and in and out of the hospital every fortnight. Caitlyn could tell when he had good or bad days, finding him more withdrawn than usual; hearing his breathing grow shallow; and sometimes he’d even warn her: “If you hear a rattle toy, it’s just me catching my breath.” 

Perhaps that was what Caitlyn appreciated the most about him. How calm he was about the whole thing. How he still wanted to learn, to read, to go about his day staring at birds, no matter if there was anyone next to him. 

Caitlyn found some solace in his love for solitude. Oh, he appreciated her presence, and they’d been each other’s social shield, in a way, protected from the mockery of the meaner kids who picked on lonely creatures, but it was clear he didn’t mind being left in a corner. He would say, “At the hospital, you don’t get a moment to yourself. It’s doctors, nurses and my parents coming and going.” 

It was why Caitlyn wasn’t completely shocked when he told her goodbye one day, quiet and swooping like a barn owl. “There’s an experimental treatment for me in London,” he murmured, and that was that. 

Caitlyn found the feather of a jackdaw in her backpack and kept it pressed between the pages of her birding guide. The school year became lonelier afterward, but Caitlyn tried to be more like Steb. To accept that her comfort lived in her books. But the more time passed, the more she missed his companionship. The simple joy of someone looking her way, expecting her. 

It’s why today feels so important. Caitlyn isn’t particularly excited about a ginormous house full of kids she doesn’t know, but her need to be… to find someone weighs on her. The heroes of her stories don’t balk at opportunity. Well, sometimes they might, but eventually their foot crosses the door. 

“It’s just… I heard there’ll be kids from Zaun,” she tells her mother. “I wouldn’t know how to approach them.”

“Oh, well, you used to-”

“Go to Zaun, I know. But it was just a few months and it was years ago.”

“It’s a conversation starter,” Cassandra points out, then cups her cheek. “I think you’ll do brilliantly just being yourself, sweetheart.”

Caitlyn shrugs, touching her holsters again. It’s difficult to admit to her mother that being herself has yielded few results, though surely she’s noticed by now.  

It would be a shame to hide this costume. It took endless shopping to find the short-sleeved brown turtleneck, her baggy blue pants are the most comfortable pair she’s ever worn, her black boots are polished, and the cowboy guns fit her shoulder holsters perfectly. Her mom put her hair up in a clip and her side bang falls nicely above her eyepatch. 

“I hope so,” Caitlyn replies, then tells her mother goodbye. 

*

It’s exactly as expected. A jungle of kids around her age swinging in and out of the St. Louis house, which looks more like a mansion with a sprawling lawn. 

The St. Louis family moved in a few months ago and Caitlyn hardly knows their only son, Rory, though she does know his birthday falls exactly on Halloween. Hence, the party. A costumed celebration that feels more like the autumn fair in scale and ambition. 

The decorations are everywhere — giant skeletons holding rakes and wheelbarrows, ‘gardening’ in the immense lawn filled with animal-shaped bushes. Smoke machines imitating an eerie fog rolling in behind the mansion. Orange lights twinkling around the windows and rooftop. 

There are children dressed in all the Halloween classics, some more creative, others just sporting a broom or witch’s hat. It feels like Cinderella’s ball, where absolutely everyone their age has been invited to come. 

There are parents looking overwhelmed already, ushering the groups toward the open front doors. 

And the music. Oh, the music. As soon as Caitlyn walks inside, squeezing past two zombie pumpkins, she feels her body vibrate from the bass. It’s as if the sound inhabits the walls and floor. 

The house itself looks even bigger from the inside, with arrows leading into the living room, which has been converted into a dance floor. There’s a ghost DJ, fog hovering around their ankles, and more decorations hanging from the ceiling.  

Caitlyn isn’t sure what to do with herself. How to even approach anyone. She doesn’t entirely know how to dance yet. The concept of it, yes, but the reality of moving her body without fear is all too daunting. 

She doesn’t mean to stare in a corner, but it’s what ends up happening. At one point she itches to go there, just go, just move her body, but then recognizes faces from her class and decides not to. It would be a nightmare if she embarrassed herself and they reminded her at school. 

Hungry, she navigates the maze to the kitchen and finds it to be quieter, though not by much. There are kids grabbing snacks and sweets, and two frazzled adults arranging more food on trays. The kitchen itself is enormous; how Caitlyn imagines the background of a luxury restaurant to look like. 

She grabs a plastic cup and pours herself some apple juice, then eats a frosted cupcake while looking out toward the hallway. 

She’ll mingle after. She’ll walk toward a group and try to blend in. Ignore the little voice in her head saying they’re staring at her eyepatch. They’re laughing at her. They don't want her there.

Just ignore it all and try her best. 

“Yes! I just got it.”

Caitlyn turns around and meets the pleased expression of a girl around her age, perhaps a little older. She has dark pink hair, almost red, with one side buzzed short. There is no way this girl, who exudes cool and is surely popular everywhere she goes, is talking to her.

“You’re from Fullmetal, right? The sharpshooter.”

Caitlyn feels her heart… do something. Beating, obviously, but the sudden rush of joy is unlike anything else. 

“I am,” she exhales. 

The girl fist pumps. “At first I thought Mustang because of the patch, but you’re Hawkeye for sure.”

Caitlyn approaches her slowly, still clutching her cup. Eager to talk more to this girl. This girl with the- with the… Caitlyn’s eye flickers to her outfit, but she’s just wearing ripped jeans, a red jacket and a t-shirt with a graphic of a moose and its bloody antlers. If it’s a costume, she doesn’t recognize it. 

“What do you think?” the girl asks her, pulling on her t-shirt. “I made it for my band.”

“You drew that yourself?” Caitlyn asks, awed by the quality of the design. 

“Uh-huh.” 

There are small details like thorny vines and Caitlyn finds herself wanting to trace them with her finger. But that would be odd. “What’s your band called?”

“Velvet Shed,” the girl replies proudly. 

Caitlyn wants to say that it’s impressive she's in a band; wants to ask what instrument she plays; or maybe she’s a singer, a songwriter, but as her hands grow clammy her words jumble into, “Are you — Is it because you like... um…”

The girl cocks a playful brow. “Antlers?” 

Caitlyn blushes, unsure what she even wants to ask anymore. “Why did you pick that? Oh and — I’m, I’m Caitlyn.”

“Hey, Caitlyn. I’m Vi.”

Pleasant and short. Lovely. Caitlyn holds her breath, feeling nervous she’ll put her foot in her mouth. 

Vi jumps down from the counter and grabs a pack of cookies from her pocket. “I saw some pictures of moose shedding their velvet and thought it was cool. Just raw pain. Stuck with me.”

Caitlyn nods, then bites her lip to stop herself from saying something. 

“What’s up?” Vi asks. 

“Nothing.”

“Come on, spit it out,” Vi prods. “I’m gonna annoy you all night if you don’t.”

Caitlyn thinks she’d be okay with that, but she might as well say what’s on her mind now: “It’s just that velvet shedding doesn’t hurt. It looks like a bloody mess, but it’s painless when it peels off.”

She suddenly hears herself and loathes her voice. Miss-Know-It-All who just can’t help herself. She wants to hide in a hole. Vi was just sharing a story! She didn’t ask for a lesson! And now this is the part where Vi rolls her eyes and walks away; where she–

Vi smiles through a huff. “Shit, you’re totally right. I saw that on a doc, too. Should've remembered. I’m a knucklehead.”

Caitlyn shakes her head immediately. “N-no, no, you’re not. I mean, it does look painful. Especially on moose.”

“Moose are the coolest,” Vi says before she shoves a cookie in her mouth. She pulls another pack from her pocket and extends it to Caitlyn, asking, “Dyou’wan’won?”

Caitlyn can’t help but smile when she takes it from Vi’s hand. “Thank you.”

Vi wolfs down the rest of her pack and then pours herself a cup of fizzy lemon crush. “How do you like the party?”

“It’s all right. A bit loud.”

“Yeah. I think the DJ’s on something.”

“On…?”

“Y’know. Something.” When Caitlyn doesn’t catch on, Vi smiles. “Anyway, my friends and I just came to distribute some flyers for our band. We’re going to trick-or-treat in a bit. You can join us if you want.”

Caitlyn doesn’t know what to say, completely surprised by such a direct invitation. Cautious, too, like a wild cat spotting food out in the open, desperate for it yet instinct telling her it might be too good to be true. 

“Where are you going?” she asks. 

“Staying around here for sure,” Vi replies, finishing her drink. “Everyone gives out the big candy bars in Piltover. My friends Mylo and Claggor know all the solid blocks.”

“Okay, um, I… I’d have to call my mom.”

“Yeah, of course. I’m gonna try to find them. Meet us outside and let us know?”

“Really? I m-mean, you barely know me.”

Vi chuckles. “That’s the point, Moose. We hang out and we see what happens.” 

“O-oh, okay. I’ll call my mom.”

Moose? Caitlyn repeats to herself, and then feels oddly excited about it. She just got a nickname, and it didn’t hurt.

*

So long as she keeps her phone on, and stays in the area, her mother is all right with her leaving the party. Caitlyn feels a buzz in her whole body as she makes it out of the mansion and waits on the sidewalk. 

She looks around, shrinking a little when kids walk past her, but there’s no sign of Vi. She waits a few more minutes until she finally spots Vi coming out of the house with two boys. 

Vi approaches her and taps her friends’ shoulders. “Caitlyn, this ugly werewolf is Mylo and this mad scientist is Claggor. I know they look feral, but they’re really lame.”

“You’re just a bucket of laughs today,” Mylo grumbles. 

He has the wildest hairstyle Caitlyn’s seen in a while, and his makeup is a mess of brown and red smudged on his cheeks. Claggor looks sweet though, giving her a wave and a smile. 

“Sorry for the wait,” Vi says, “Mylo got lost in the basement.”

“Piss off, I was trying to find a color printer for our posters.”

Claggor shakes his head. “He bumped into this kid’s mom and puked a brick.”

“You seen her? She’s a giant dressed like a mob boss!” Mylo looks toward Caitlyn. “You know this Rory kid?” 

“Uh, not really. My mum knows his.”

“So she’s in the mob too?”

Caitlyn meets Vi’s eyes and relaxes when she smiles at her. This must be Mylo’s usual tone. “No, just the mayor’s office.”

“Oh, the other giant that rules us all,” Mylo complains. 

“The mayor’s our lead singer’s mom,” Vi explains. “Scares the shit out of us.”

“Mel is awesome though,” Claggor jumps in. “I bet you’ll like her.”

“You play an instrument, Moose?” Mylo asks.

At the sound of her new nickname, Caitlyn glances at Vi, who shrugs coyly. “Sorry, slipped in when I talked about you.”

Caitlyn wonders what else Vi said about her. 

“I don’t play anything, no,” she admits, worried they’ll be disappointed. 

“That’s fine,” Vi says, and then jokes, “we need groupies, too.”

Caitlyn lets out a laugh in surprise, warmth blooming in her chest. “Okay. I can do that.”

*

On their way to the ‘jackpot lairs’ as Mylo calls them, Caitlyn learns they’re her age, except for Vi and Mel, who are a year older. They all go to school in Zaun, and Vi’s little sister Powder goes to elementary there too. Caitlyn remembers Zaun’s gigantic schools. Her mum took her out quickly because it was the year after her father… passed, and she’d thought a smaller school closer to their home would help. 

They’re all in the band together, where they mostly play out of Vi’s dad’s garage. Sometimes they manage to play at birthday parties, which is what they’re doing next Sunday, though Mel has been recovering from a sore throat. 

Vi is on drums, Claggor on keyboards, and Mylo is obsessed with his electric guitar, calling it “my old girl back home” several times, like he’s a character in one of the movies Caitlyn’s dad used to watch. Mylo loves movies too, which Caitlyn makes sure to remember so she can research his favorite genres (horror and westerns). 

They ask her questions in rapid fire, though at first Caitlyn isn’t sure what to answer. She doesn’t remember Maddie asking her a lot of questions, and Steb was too shy to probe that much. 

“What kind of music do you like, Moose?” 

“You watch a lot of anime?”

“Did you make your costume?”

“What’s your favorite candy? I’ve got taffy and sour cola.” 

Then Vi says, “We’re gonna rehearse our set tomorrow, you wanna swing by? We’ll probably watch a movie and just hang out, too. Finish up our sweets.”

It's overwhelming in a way that makes Caitlyn's heart ache. But it's the kind of ache she gets after reading the heroes of her novels make it back home after a long adventure. The kind of ache she gets after watching the detective kiss his dame after solving a crime. She can barely contain her smile when she meets Vi’s eyes as they walk up to a house.

And Vi grins right back.

Chapter Text

14

Caitlyn doesn’t remember a year feeling so full. 

Winter used to be joyless. The dreary cold was one thing, but the dark coupled with the loneliness felt overwhelming at times. Like walking deeper and deeper into a cave, desperate to see the light, take a deep breath and feel something other than ice in her lungs.

Spring, touted as the season of new beginnings, of new life, of flowering trees and the sun breaking through grey clouds, felt more like an end. The end of the school year, the end of hoping this one might turn out different.

Summer was the anniversary of unimaginable loss. It was sunshine tainted by grief. With the years the pain became something she knew, something she could live with, but the season always felt like one she had to get through. 

Summer was also when she’d visit her aunt Emi in Ionia for a month, twenty minutes from a mountain town nestled in a valley, where the one school didn’t have more than fifty kids under eighteen. It was lovely to see family and feel closer to her father that way, but any child would grow bored of watching sheep and cattle graze for hours on end. Her aunt taught her how to hold a rifle, and shoot it too, but putting holes in old cans lost its thrill.  

Then there was autumn, with its string of disappointments, the accident, the slow fade of optimism… yet year after year she clung to it, thinking surely this year, this year would be better, because her father used to rave about autumn, and Caitlyn so deeply wanted that part of him to stay with her. 

And hope never bloomed like this before. 

A year full of firsts. A year where every day felt exciting. 

Caitlyn can’t decide which is her favorite part about it. After her father’s passing, there used to be one, two, three events at most that she could pick from, like holding Striker for the first time, like her mother teaching her how to make dumplings or hiking with her through national parks during holidays, like making a costume from scratch, like Sky’s smile and the whisper in her ear, like Steb’s feather. 

Now there is a tapestry of memories that she wishes she could put up on her bedroom wall. 

It’s Vi who first comes to mind. Vi the architect of Caitlyn’s realized hope. Vi with her grin and that twinkle in her eye, who looks like mischief embodied yet has infinite tenderness to spare. 

Vi who started playing drums after her mother passed away, struck by a distracted driver. Who started drums because her father left her and Powder, unable to look them in the eyes anymore. Who started drums because her anger had to go somewhere, but she’d be damned if it went into bottles like it did for their father. 

It was his cousin, Vander, who took them in and moved them to Zaun. Who paid for the music classes, the instruments, and then turned his garage into the practice stage of their dreams. 

Caitlyn knows why they felt familiar so quickly. To be blunt, experiencing dead parents is a particular kind of grief that one recognizes. 

There’s tension between the two sisters because Powder can be explosive at times, unable to regulate her strong swings of emotions, but it rarely comes in the way of their bond. Caitlyn doesn’t dare prod any further than what they’re willing to share, though she knows Powder speaks to a professional and takes medication, which Vi has a reminder for on her clunky watch. 

Caitlyn sees herself in Powder sometimes. In the rushes of anger — of jealousy — when seeing other families. In the sudden tears. The need to be held. Sometimes acting younger than her age and other times so much older. 

Her best friend is Ekko, their next door neighbour. Ekko builds treasure out of old cans, cardboard, cogs and springs, and travels everywhere on his trusty skateboard. On Powder’s tenth birthday, he gifts her a skateboard he spent six months tweaking. When Powder unwraps it, she’s barely seen the full design before she throws herself in his arms. 

Caitlyn hopes they never lose each other. 

But Vi… Vi can be stoic and open at the same time. Caitlyn finds herself staring at her and has to remind herself to look away, but one gets distracted when admiring the slope of her nose, the steel in her eyes, the warmth in her smile. One gets distracted when listening to her voice; how she leads like it’s second nature, not because she’s the oldest one, but because-

Well, in Mylo’s words, “Vi has her shit together.”

This past summer, in Ionia, Caitlyn starts to listen to a band, Black Rose, and sends links to Powder knowing she’ll enjoy them too. Powder replies the next day with a simple, “LOVE! NEED MORE SONGS!” which makes Caitlyn laugh. Five albums in 24 hours does sound like something Powder would manage. 

When she comes back, it’s no huge surprise to Caitlyn that Vi is greatly upset by this.

“It’s pop, Cait,” she groans, and then gets Mylo and Claggor to join in too, at least until Caitlyn hears Claggor humming the hits at lunch one day. 

“Your secret is safe with me,” she promises, though it doesn’t take long for Vi to catch on too. Her bandmate is a pop head. 

It doesn’t affect the sound of Velvet Shed, thankfully, punk rock to the core that Caitlyn falls in love with without ever forcing it. They do covers and their own original songs, a mix of Vi’s writing and Claggor’s composing. 

It’s the songwriting that Caitlyn admires the most. She often finds herself with lyrics stuck in her head, and when she finally transfers to Zaun High, in the same class as Mylo and Claggor, there’s no escaping it. 

They all inspire her every day.

*

Mel loves football like a fifty-year-old man languishing in an Ionian bar during a heat wave. It’s difficult to believe such insults can come from such a smooth voice, but the fact of the matter is, if the Hexes aren’t winning, Mel becomes someone else.

Then, the match ends. Caitlyn has never known anyone to get over disappointment so quickly. She gets up, paces around the kitchen for a minute, takes a breath, another, and then comes back the girl they love.

Well, they love the swearing sailor too, but perhaps not quite as much. 

“Where did they get this bloody ref? A bargain bin?”

Caitlyn watches Mel stress-eat the last of her crisps as they watch the half-time ads. It’s the Hexes against Noxus City tonight, and Caitlyn couldn’t pass up the invitation. Vi and Powder are with their dad and Mylo and Claggor don’t much like football. 

“It’s not all bad,” Caitlyn points out, “we could be down our CB.”

“That stupid, stupid challenge,” Mel huffs. “DeJules can be such a reckless idiot.” 

Mel’s phone buzzes on the coffee table. She picks it up and tries to conceal a smile, toying with what to write. 

“Jayce?” Caitlyn asks. 

“Hm, but not interested in a date right now.”

“Why not? He’s smart, good looking...”

Mel puts the phone down. “He doesn’t know what he wants.”

“Well... He looks at you like you defy the laws of physics.”

Mel arches a brow. “Like I’m a problem to solve?”

“No, like you’re special.”

Mel gets up to grab more popcorn from the kitchen counter. When she gets back, she sits down with a torn look. “To me he’s Jayce, the boy who hammered his thumb when we were twelve.”

Caitlyn’s heard that story, and the next part too. “Didn’t you kiss after that?”

“Sort of.” 

“What was it like?”

Mel thinks about it fondly. “Soft. We were both shy.”

The football match comes back on and they wait for the second half to start. Mel leans her elbow against the back of the couch. 

“We just wanted it to be with someone safe, so our first would never be spoiled.”

Caitlyn bites her lip. “I wish I knew how it feels.”

Mel gives her a smile. “With a girl, right?”

“Yes...”

Mel chuckles. “You remind me of Vi. Well, Vi from a few years back.”

“Really? Vi always seems so… like nothing can get to her.”

Mel shakes her head. “Vi cares the most. She just knows how to protect herself.” 

And there is the perfect example of Caitlyn still having so much to learn about her friends. About the obvious and the discreet. 

She treasures the fact. 

*

“Holy shit, Moose, you’re taking foreverrrrr.”

Caitlyn stares at herself in the mirror. “You’re going to make fun of me.”

“Of course we are!” Mylo says from behind the door. “That’s what friends are for!”

Someone must smack his arm because he exaggerates an “Ow!” and then backs down. 

“Come on, Cait,” Vi says, closer to the door. “We’re gonna be late to pick up Powder and Ekko.”

“Just… go without me,” Caitlyn suggests, feeling anxious. 

“Can I come in?” Vi asks. “I just want to talk face-to-face.”

Caitlyn sighs. “Fine. Please don’t laugh too loudly.”

Vi comes in and closes the door behind her. She’s dressed as Indiana Jones and looks so sharp it makes Caitlyn breathless. 

Vi takes in Caitlyn’s costume and frowns. “What am I supposed to find funny?”

Caitlyn motions to the disaster that is her streaky brownish hair. “The dye went all wrong. I should’ve worn a wig.”

“The suit rocks though. Is it your mom’s?”

“Yes, I can’t believe I even fit in these pants.”

“It’s because you’re getting annoyingly tall. Still shorter than me though.”

Vi touches the FBI badge pinned to Caitlyn’s blazer lapel. “Awesome.” 

“Not really. Clarice Starling would never look this silly.”

“Is that what this is all about?” Vi asks softly. “It’s Halloween, Cait. People are gonna wear all sorts of messed up wigs and crazy makeup. Nobody’s gonna notice your hair.”

Caitlyn looks down. “I notice. I just wanted to… feel good about something I did.”

Vi looks around. “Can I try something?”

“Okay.”

“You really want to be Clarice?”

“Who else could I be with this costume? It was one of my dad’s favorite movies,” Caitlyn adds quietly. 

She watched The Silence of the Lambs a few months ago for the first time and immediately loved Clarice. Well, probably shouldn’t have watched it, and her mum was upset about it, but Caitlyn’s never been very phased by movie blood. She still remembers her own dripping down her face. 

Vi mulls it over, then takes off Caitlyn’s FBI badge. She takes a hair tie and steps behind her, tying Caitlyn’s hair back in a low pony. 

Caitlyn holds her breath, feeling how gentle Vi’s hands are. How careful she is when she tucks the ponytail beneath the collar of her shirt. 

Vi takes off her own hat and puts it on Caitlyn’s head. “There, Mylo will give you one of his fake ciggies and you’ll be spot on for that detective movie your dad used to watch all the time. What’s the name again?” 

“The Maltese Falcon?"

“Yeah. You’re Mr. Tough Guy who smokes a lot and solves the plot.”

Caitlyn can’t believe Vi remembers. 

“What about you?” Caitlyn asks. “Indy would never forget his hat.”

“I’m Vi,” Vi grins, “I forget my shit all the time.”

Caitlyn can’t help it: she throws her arms around her best friend and squeezes tight. “Thank you,” she breathes out. 

Vi wraps her arms around her waist and it’s the safest Caitlyn has felt in a long time. 

The door cracks open. 

“You guys need a room?” Mylo asks.

“Shut up, Mylo.”

“Oh, shit,” Mylo whistles at Caitlyn, “okay, okay, we’ve got a gangster among us.”

“Private investigator,” Caitlyn corrects.

Mylo doesn’t even need to be told: he pops out a silver tray and shows Caitlyn a bunch of chocolate cigarettes. “You’re missing your smoke, Gumshoe.”

Caitlyn laughs at the old school term while Mylo smirks at Vi. “What?” 

“Since when do you watch black-and-white stuff?” Vi asks. 

“Oh piss off, I inhale movies.”

“You’re gonna inhale my drum sticks if we’re late.”

“Whatever," he says, "you’re getting too old for this anyway.” 

“I know,” Vi replies, oddly sullen, “but Powder isn’t.”

Claggor glances at his watch. “Time to clear out, guys.” 

*

It’s no surprise to anyone that after trick-or-treating they end up watching The Fellowship of the Ring. Well, Mylo and Caitlyn start it while Vi, Powder, Claggor and Ekko attempt to cook popcorn in the kettle without burning the place down. 

“What do you like the most about it?” Mylo asks her after pausing during the prologue. 

That’s an easy one. Caitlyn sits back in the cozy basement couch of Vander's house. “How Sam would’ve done anything for Frodo.” 

“Seriously? A magic ring, good against evil, hobbits, elves, dwarves, orcs, wizards, legendary battles — and your favorite part is the two buddies?”

“That’s reductive,” Caitlyn points out. 

Mylo sits up. He’s quiet for a beat, then ticks his head toward the screen. “How so?”

He seems genuinely curious, which encourages Caitlyn. “Well, to me the story is about loyalty — on one side corrupt and the other pure. The ones who would kill for Sauron and those who would die for Frodo. But for Sam… it’s not loyalty to the ring bearer, or the one who could save their world, it’s loyalty to his best friend. That’s who Frodo is first and foremost, ring or no ring, and that means accompanying him to the ends of the world and back. So… yes, their bond is my favorite part.” 

Mylo thinks on it before offering a smile. “Okay, Moose. I get it.”

Caitlyn smiles right back and then hears feet thundering down the creaky stairwell. 

“Dibs on the armchair!” Powder yells as she catapults herself into its cushy embrace.

“That’s fine by me,” Vi says, and then plops herself next to Caitlyn, the bowl of popcorn on her lap. “What about you?” she grins at Caitlyn, nudging her shoulder. 

Claggor sits on the other side and Caitlyn never feels so accepted than in that moment, squeezed between her friends, about to watch a three-hour-long movie. 

“Fine by me too.”

*

There are times when things aren’t so easy. When whispers of the past breathe their way through the good days. 

Caitlyn walks by Brody and Joey on a Saturday at the mall. They’re older of course, teenagers now too, but somehow she only sees them as the skeleton and the vampire who ran away from her when she was bleeding on the ground. 

“Hey, Caitlyn,” Brody says, because there aren’t two Caitlyns with eyepatches in Piltover. It doesn’t matter if years passed — her accident was the talk of the classroom for weeks. They remember her. 

“Hi,” she says right back, and that’s all there is to it. They pass by each other and go on with their lives, but it’s enough to make her stomach sink. 

She didn’t even realize it would hurt like this. It’s not like she didn’t see them at all in the years after. But seeing them outside of school, with Vi by her side, feels different. 

“Cait, what’s wrong?” Vi asks, nearly done with her candied apple. 

They’ve been trawling the mall for a present for Powder, but Vi found it an hour ago (a new tool kit for the toys she loves to build) and since then they’ve just been walking around, pretending like they’re looking for more presents so the day doesn’t have to end just yet. 

“Nothing.”

Vi stops. “Wow, you’re awful at that.”

Caitlyn looks back at her. “At?”

“Lying.”

“Can we just hang out at mine?” Caitlyn asks abruptly. “Unless you want to go home.”

Vi bites off the last of her apple. “No, yours is good; I need some kisses from the man.”

*

Striker is on Vi as soon as they cross the front door. Caitlyn would be a bit jealous if those two weren’t so bloody cute together, with Striker licking Vi’s face for traces of caramel and waggling his tail so hard it might fall off. 

Caitlyn gets her share of love too, of course, petting him in every spot that makes him whuff and bounce off the couch before hurtling toward her for more.

“You’re the best damn boy in the entire world,” Vi laughs as they play with him a while longer. 

When he goes back to rest in his bed, finally tired out, Caitlyn and Vi wind up in Caitlyn’s bedroom. They squeeze together on her bed and Caitlyn wonders if this should feel weirder than it does. Not like… home at home. 

Caitlyn lets Vi pick out what she wants to watch on her computer and smiles when they start an old live performance of The Clash. Vi starts ghost-drumming on her thigh and Caitlyn struggles to look at the screen instead of her. 

She loves Vi’s drumming. It wasn’t something she really understood before. It seemed like a lot of noise, honestly. But then she listened to Vi; to Vi’s idols; to the sound blending in with the rest of the band, and it felt like magic. 

But when she looks at Vi’s expression, she finds her distracted. Not her usual intense focus. 

“Are you okay?” 

Vi glances at her and nods. “Yeah. I’ve just been thinking… I’m gonna be sixteen next year. Vander’s already mentioned me getting a job, and I don’t mind that, it just feels like everything is going by really fast.” 

“Vi, you just turned fifteen three weeks ago.”

“And I’m already in my head about the future. I know. I hate it. Wish I could slow down.”

Caitlyn pauses the show and shuffles back to rest on her side, facing Vi, who follows her lead and gives her a half-smile.

“Snug like a bug.”

Caitlyn rests her head on her arm. “What would you want to slow down?”

Vi shrugs. “Lots of things. Band practice. Days at the arcade. Hanging out with you.”

“Just me?” Caitlyn teases.

“Yeah, because you annoy me a little less than everyone else.”

“Oh, a little less, that’s nice.”

Vi gives her a grin. “Let's wait a year.”

“Why? You’ll turn sixteen and be too cool for us?”

“Exactly.”

“Guess you’ll have to break up the band, then. Couldn’t be seen with toddlers.”

“I’ll finally transition into my solo act.” 

“Just you drumming?”

“Is that not good enough?”

Caitlyn chuckles. “Of course it is.”

“What about you? Anything you’d want to slow down?”

“Not slow down… but I’d like to capture some moments better, I suppose.”

Vi pulls out her phone from her back pocket. “So, this is called a phone, and it has a camera, and you can freeze any moment you like-”

“You’re such a muppet.”

Vi laughs, very proud of herself. 

“Anyway,” Caitlyn huffs, more amused than anything, “my problem isn’t about slowing down.” 

“Meaning?”

When she stays quiet, Vi pokes her shoulder. “Come on, spit it out. I’ll annoy—”

“—you all night if you don’t, I know,” Caitlyn smiles. “I guess I think a lot about the future too.”

Vi waits for her to continue. 

“And I just thought I’d have… experienced things by now, that I haven’t.”

“Like…?”

Caitlyn’s cheeks flush. “A first kiss.”

Vi’s brows shoot up. “Really? I wondered if maybe you’d kissed that girl you told me about — Maddie?”

Caitlyn shakes her head, feeling queasy. “It wasn’t like that. I don’t even know if she really enjoyed being around me. I used to think surely a part of her did… But now I hear my mom talk about these adults at work who pretend to be sweet, to be this or that, because they need something from her, and… I think maybe that’s what we did, too.”

Vi scratches the fuzzy part of her scalp, and Caitlyn wishes she could run her fingers through it, just to see what it’s like. 

“I had a friend like that.”

Caitlyn isn’t sure she heard correctly. “You did? Someone dared?”

Vi smiles. “Yeah. Her name was Sevika — well, still is, she’s not dead or anything. I thought she was the coolest chick on the block. She knew everything about Stillwater, all the nooks and crannies.”

Caitlyn’s only heard about Vi and Powder’s childhood home a few times; a coastal city with more factories and fisheries than playgrounds. 

“I followed her everywhere. She taught me boxing, games… and then one day she asked me to deliver a package and be quiet about it. I was so nervous I told my parents anyway. Turns out my friend wanted me to give a pill-popping mom her fix after school.”

“What did you do?”

“Not much I could do. I was seven,” Vi snorts, like the whole thing is ludicrous to her now, but then her smile fades. “And she was nine. This cool chick was just a kid like me, probably taking directions from some teenager. Only realized it two years ago. That place used us and spat us out. Your ‘friends’ would throw you to the wolves for a buck. Sometimes I… I’m grateful my dad abandoned us. At least Vander got us out of there.” 

Caitlyn reaches out to caress Vi’s cheek because it’s the only thing that feels like it might help. To say, I’m here, I’d never use you like that, I’ll always listen, without the words, because perhaps the words alone don’t quite reach the depth of it all. 

Vi captures her hand. “No, wait, we went off track. I want to talk more about you kissing girls.”

Caitlyn lets out a breathy chuckle. “None, you mean.”

“Well, why not?” Vi asks earnestly. 

“Um,” Caitlyn thinks back on her conversation with Mel and bites her lip, feeling the softness of Vi’s hand against her. “I… I actually wanted… I wondered…”

Vi remains patient, so Caitlyn blurts out, “I’d like you to be my first kiss. Someone who… cares about me, so it’ll never be tainted.”

Vi is quiet for a moment, impossible to read, until she frowns. “But you’re a kid.”

Caitlyn flicks her shoulder, which makes Vi burst out laughing. 

“We’re eleven months apart,” Caitlyn groans. 

“That’s a whole universe.”

“Shut up.” 

“Oh, rude, if that’s how you flirt, no wonder you haven’t locked lips with anyone.”

“You didn’t answer my question.” 

Vi concedes the point, but doesn’t let go of her hand. 

“Here’s one for you first: what if you meet the love of your life next week, and you don’t get to have your first ever kiss with her. Wouldn’t that taint this one?”

“If she’s the love of my life, she’ll understand why I wanted this. Why I needed to… decide how this happened for me. I- I just want one perfect thing… that I chose.”

Vi’s smile softens at her explanation. “Okay, Moose, if that’s what you really want, I’ll give you your first kiss.”

Caitlyn hears her heartbeat in her ears. “Really? And you’re comfortable with it?”

Vi grows very serious, and then asks, “Tongue?” 

Caitlyn lets out a laugh. “Obviously not.”

“Nothing obvious about this,” Vi points out, then shuffles closer. 

Very close. Oh, all right, this is happening. Caitlyn swallows, captivated by the freckles on Vi’s face and the scars across her brow and lip. This is… good. There’s no safer way to do this than with her best friend. 

“All right. I’m ready.”

“Ready to be blown away?”

“Wait, should I brush my tee—”

Vi cups her cheek and kisses her. 

And what is there to say? Caitlyn melts into it. There’s surprise of course, and all her senses come alive trying to parse what this new feeling is — this softness against her lips, Vi's smell so much closer, so much deeper, this warmth blooming in her chest, the closeness of it all. 

When Vi pulls away, Caitlyn surges forward and kisses her again, open-mouthed and clumsy. She doesn’t know why, only that it’ll be over after this kiss and she’s not ready for that. Not ready for their first and last kiss to end just this second, before she can commit every detail to memory, before she can be certain she’ll never forget this.

Finally they pull back, slow and breathy. Their eyes open. Caitlyn finds Vi smiling at her, not awkward, not uncomfortable, just the cheeky, gentle smile of the girl she knows. 

“How about it, then?”

Caitlyn swallows, in a daze. “Thank you,” she murmurs. 

Vi reaches down to give her hand a tap. “You’re welcome.”

They roll over and stare at the ceiling for a moment. Turn their heads to each other at the same time and crack a grin. If there was any tension at all, it disappears. 

“I understand the movies better now.”

Vi actually puffs out her chest a little. “I’m that good?”

“It’s a nice feeling, that’s all.”

“So much for ‘Obviously not,’ hm?” 

Caitlyn blushes. “I…”

“Don’t worry about it, I didn’t mind, and it’s hard to resist a rockstar.”

“Your other groupies will be very jealous.”

“Uh, yeah, Striker and that one frog at the pond are plotting your murder as we speak.” 

“Ew,” Caitlyn laughs, “stay away from my dog.”

Vi waggles her eyebrows and Caitlyn finds herself unable to stop laughing. It feels like they’re floating on a cloud. Like this room is a sanctuary. “All right, Violet, don’t make me regret this.”

“Hold on, I don’t remember giving you permission to say my full name.”

“Just bringing you back down to earth, rockstar.”

Vi hmphs, but doesn’t seem too upset. “Hey, about way earlier, at the mall… Are you okay?”

The mood deflates somewhat, but Caitlyn knows Vi is only looking out for her. “They were there during my accident.”

“Oh. I sorta figured it was something like that.”

Caitlyn turns to her side and brings her legs up, curling her body. “They both ran away. Saw me bleeding and screaming… and bolted. I was upset about it for a while, but now, just like you did, I understand how young we were. It’s just… felt like people have been running away from me for a long time. Even Maddie ended up running, in a different way.”

Vi takes her hand again, intertwining their fingers. 

“You know how people say you’ll move on from things that hurt you?” Caitlyn whispers. “I see this ugly thing every time I look in the mirror. I feel it on my face. If I ever feel good about myself, I catch my reflection and there it is, reminding me of that day.”

“Cait,” Vi breathes out. “You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever met.”

Caitlyn gives her a pointed look. “Your lead singer is Mel.”

Vi chuckles. “Yeah, okay, Mel is beautiful, but, I don’t know, I guess it’s like art. There could be two beautiful paintings side by side but it’s the one on the left that you really… really…” Vi swallows, and it’s the first time Caitlyn’s ever seen her hesitant. 

“What?” she encourages.

“Feel a connection with.” Vi looks up, meeting her gaze again. “Is that corny?”

Caitlyn thinks she understands better what Vi meant earlier, about wanting to slow time. “Corny is all right sometimes.”

“Not when your band is called Velvet Shed and you want to get your whole body tattooed as soon as it’s allowed."

“Well… I’ll keep your secret if you keep mine?”

“What’s that?”

Caitlyn trembles as she slowly takes off her eyepatch, exposing her scar and eye. It feels like her heart might break out of her chest, but no part of her wants to go back. 

She looks down, holding her breath, terrified and yet knowing she trusts Vi with this. 

Vi nudges her chin up and smiles. Her voice is unwavering; tender. “Yeah, it’s like I said: prettiest girl I’ve ever met.”

Caitlyn’s vision goes blurry as tears well up. Vi shuffles closer and, before Caitlyn can blink, she’s tucked in Vi’s arms. 

“Hey, Cait?” Vi whispers. 

“Yes?” Caitlyn sniffles. 

“I will never, ever run away from you.”

Chapter Text

15

“I have an early present. Like, really early, but I wanted to make sure you don’t make other plans.”

“Should I wait to open it?”

“No, go ahead.”

Caitlyn opens the envelope in her hands with the utmost patience, careful not to rip a corner or whatever is inside. She pulls out what looks like two tickets and gets the breath knocked out of her.

“You did not.”

Vi fidgets in place. “So, obviously you can take whoever else you want, but I was thinking it would be really cool if you could go with P–”

Caitlyn throws her arms around her neck. “Of course I’m going with Powder! Oh my God, thank you, thank you! I love them so much!” 

Vi wraps her arms around her waist as she glances around at the Black Rose posters covering Caitlyn’s bedroom walls. “Yeah, I know.”

Caitlyn pulls back, staring at the concert tickets in awe. Rubbing her thumb over the shiny paper; the simple lettering that makes up a dream come true. She can hardly believe it. 

“Vi, these are expensive!” 

Black Rose is still relatively niche and it isn’t the biggest venue, but for someone who makes her pocket money mowing lawns and cleaning pools, these are a small fortune. 

“Well, it’s not the pit or anything. Pretty sure Powder will have to crawl on top of your shoulders, and you might even have half a pillar in your way, but-”

Caitlyn looks up with a wide smile and Vi suddenly goes quiet, as if for a moment her breath stutters too. 

“It doesn’t matter where the seats are,” Caitlyn says, bouncing up and down. “This is the sweetest present in the world. You’re amazing.”

Vi’s cheeks flush. She runs a hand through her hair and lets out a breathy laugh, cool as a cucumber. “Just trying to stay in your good books.”

*

Fifteen feels like living in someone else’s body. Or perhaps more like her body deciding to do things it should not without consulting her. Caitlyn feels like a lanky thumb most of the time, and if she ever wants to disappear in the wallpaper, it’s hard to do so when she’s by far the tallest in class, with an eyepatch to boot.

Her friends have their own anxieties of course, even Mel, who Caitlyn wouldn’t have pegged as the type if she were a stranger walking down the street, but it seems no one is spared from the pains of growing limbs, cracking voices (for a while Mylo can’t say a sentence without his pitch playing tricks on him), aching muscles and ravenous appetites. 

The good company makes the misery bearable. 

“Oh dear, that hoodie has done its time,” her mother points out one day during breakfast. 

Caitlyn looks down at her favorite football sweatshirt and frowns. Sure there are holes in it, but nothing she can’t sew up… again. “It’s just a little faded.”

“It’s a three-quarter sleeve, darling, and I’m not entirely sure your head fits in the hood anymore.”

“But it’s my hoodie,” Caitlyn protests weakly. 

“We don’t have to throw it away, but maybe… buy you a new one?” 

Caitlyn knows why her mother is tiptoeing around it. It’s the sweatshirt they bought on the one-year anniversary of her father’s death. They’d taken the whole day to themselves, eating his favorite foods, watching two of his favorite movies, and then they went to a Hex game, screaming their lungs out and winding up in the merch store at the end. It felt like they were closer to him than ever that day. 

The hoodie was oversized back then, practically a tent, even, and Caitlyn had thought she could keep it forever, but forever to a child seems so much different than it does now. Time hasn’t been kind to the idea. 

As if sensing the sudden shift in the mood, Striker pops his head on her lap. Caitlyn pets him quietly, noting the few grey and white hairs trying to peek through his rich brown markings. Leave him alone! she thinks. I’ll grow up awkward and weird-looking; I’ll take the mood swings and the cramps, the bizarre stretch marks and the infuriating pimples, but don’t you touch a hair on his head. 

“What do you think, Striker?” she asks him, smiling when his ears perk up. “Does this hoodie look silly on me?”

He continues to wag his tail, soothed and delighted by the scratches and rubs against his favorite spots. 

“That was a yes, I believe,” Cassandra says, sipping on her tea. 

Caitlyn catches the amusement in her eyes. She has grown a few silver streaks herself, but in the past year she’s declared herself “Quite happy with them” as she worried her hair would turn the same mousey grey that runs in her family. It’s over that time that Caitlyn realizes her mother… isn’t just her mother. 

She is a woman with her own concerns, her own worries about her changing body, and that is perplexing at first, and then lovely too, in the sense that they can talk about these things outside of being mother and daughter. Their closeness evolves, much like they do. 

“How rare he would agree with you.”

“Rare indeed, but it has occurred here and there. The boy has some common sense.” 

Caitlyn smiles at her, not worrying so much about the passage of time anymore, but trying to savour this moment in particular, another morning at home. 

*

After turning 16, Vi gets her first job at the movie theater in Piltover, which is more like your run-of-the-mill multiplex than the cozy escapade it advertises itself at. Still, Caitlyn and Mylo go nuts for it, already imagining the free tickets, free popcorn and candy. 

Reality isn’t as sweet. Something about Vi needing to keep her job and not give out every freebie under the sun, ugh, but they manage to fit in more movies than usual anyway, and the start of autumn is like a fairytale. 

For everyone, it would seem.

“I’m in love. Shit, Cait, I’m really, really in love.”

That’s new. 

Vi is attractive. Caitlyn knows this. Everyone knows this. She had her first kiss at nine under the wooden train in the park. It was in exchange for a frosted glass marble and it makes Vi laugh now, how Samantha Willows even thought to suggest it, but it’s a fond memory. 

There was a string of ‘girlfriends’ after that, though Claggor tells Caitlyn it was more like a trail of heartbreak — Vi’s heart, that is. The girl is a romantic and commitment at that age never flew over very well. 

Caitlyn’s never known Vi with anyone. “I’m focusing on the band,” she would say, and that was without mentioning her love for video games, her rock-climbing classes, and hanging out with the gang at the arcade.

When Vi shows her a picture of Corina, Caitlyn feels like she’s staring at a Disney princess. 

“Tell me about her,” Caitlyn prompts.

“I don’t know where to start. She’s so… fucking amazing.”

Corina goes to Piltover, started working at the movie theater over the summer, wants to be a pharmacist or a stuntwoman, who knows, has three dogs, a dad in real estate, a mom on TV (“Y’know that weatherwoman who always wears ties? That’s her.”), and, more importantly to Caitlyn, makes Vi happy. 

Her best friend in the whole world is happy. It’s a very good feeling. There is just this… this thing that curls inside Caitlyn, this lump in her throat, but it's small, surely the worry of someone new in the group dynamic, the fear of the unknown, and also that Vi will be a little busier now. But happy, above all. And that’s all that matters. 

It didn’t stop Vi from inviting Caitlyn over while Powder and Ekko are at their Inventors of the Future club and Mylo and Claggor have homework to catch up on. As for Mel, her ‘undefinable’ relationship with Jayce has been defining itself a bit more every day and she’s announced herself as “busy” after school. Caitlyn suspects she’ll admit they’ve been dating sooner rather than later. 

“Vi?”

“Hm?”

“How do you… know? I mean, that you’re in love?”

Vi blinks at her. They’ve been playing Mario Kart on the console the group bought for Vi’s birthday, and talking about less serious things, so perhaps the sudden shift surprises her. 

“Oh. Uh. Damn, I don’t really know,” she chuckles, self-conscious.

They start a new race, and Caitlyn’s already thrown a shell at Vi’s car when Vi finally answers: 

“I just think about her a lot, like when I brush my teeth or eat a slice of pizza. I want to be with her and make her laugh, but I want to hold her hand, too. I could listen to her all day because I love the way she sees the world.” She grins then, a little playful. “Oh, and she has this look when she wants to be with me, you know how — just kills me, it’s so hot.”

Caitlyn feels herself blush. It’s not that they haven’t started talking about sex, but she doesn’t think about her friends in those situations. 

Vi glances her way. “Why do you ask?”

“Just curious.”

“And?”

Caitlyn takes her time now, focusing on the game, groaning when her car goes off the map and falls into the rainbow abyss before spawning on the track again. 

“I feel like it’ll never happen to me,” she admits. 

Vi sits up straighter, growing serious. “It’ll definitely happen to you. You’ve got the looks, the smarts, got your own sense of humor, and you’ve got the coolest friends, too.”

“Oh, I’m a catch because I have cool friends?” Caitlyn asks with a laugh. 

“Well… yeah. Besides, you dating someone would bring another body to our shows.”

Caitlyn throws a couch pillow at her, which Vi catches with a laugh. 

“Eyes on the road, Crazy Moose.”

“Fine, Romeo, how do you like this?” 

“Like wha—oh, fuck!” Vi can’t swerve fast enough, her car hitting two banana peels and falling right off the map. She hangs her head. “Didn’t like that one bit.”

*

Black Rose don’t disappoint. Their lead singer, LeBlanc, makes the venue sing their heads off and the rest of the band fills the room with their immaculate sound. Caitlyn and Powder’s balcony seats are better than Vi advertised, and the atmosphere feels like something she’ll remember for the rest of her life. 

“Did you see?! Did you see?!” Powder shouts every time the drummer does a trick, and then, “We have to tell Vi to try that!”

Caitlyn thinks Vi would be a little too proud to copy a ‘glitter and sparkles pop drummer’ (her words) but maybe she’d do it for Powder. 

Vander sits the whole time, sometimes bobbing his head, but an hour in he heads to a waiting area where he finds other chaperones nursing alcohol-free beverages. He commiserates with a few parents his age, feeling like his ears will be buzzing for days, and teenage shrieks will echo in his sleep. Worth the smiles on their faces…

When he drives them back in his pickup, he listens to their excited recounting of events, from the first song to the last, the interludes, the crowd interactions, and remembers his own first concert fondly. 

“Oh, oh, Vi is at home with Corina!” Powder says, texting furiously on her phone. She has two hours of screen time a day, rules of the house, and has learned to move her thumbs faster than an adult solving a Rubik’s Cube in a competitive setting. It’s impressive, really. 

Vander invited Caitlyn to an early pizza dinner before he’ll drop her off at her house. Caitlyn can’t wait to tell Vi all about the concert. Can’t wait to see Vi smile and even grump about that kind of music, shrugging her shoulders and scoffing. 

But meeting Corina makes her heart beat a little faster. She’s not sure why. There is no way she isn’t lovely — Vi would never date a bonehead — but sometimes people just don’t get along. 

And then what? 

She could never let Vi know. Vi has found some happiness and there is no world in which Caitlyn would ever cast shade on it. 

*

It’s as she thought: Corina is nothing but sweet. They arrive just after Vi has ordered the pizzas, pepperoni included, naturally, and introduce themselves to each other. While they wait for the delivery, Vander excuses himself to the basement and Caitlyn suspects he needs the quiet for a moment. 

Corina is tall, with dark silky hair, a smile made to win over hearts, and the way she exudes confidence reminds Caitlyn of the first time she saw Vi. But when she asks Caitlyn if she’s into movie soundtracks and rattles off a bunch of composer’s names, Caitlyn just about melts on the spot. 

It’s easy to talk with her, and listen too. There’s something magnetic about the way she carries herself. She’s sixteen like Vi but seems older, and it’s only a while later that Caitlyn learns she’s bounced around the system her entire life, until three years ago when she was finally adopted by her parents after a lengthy process. Caitlyn can’t imagine how exhausting it must’ve been. 

The concert talk takes over during pizza, with Powder showing off her merch — her bracelets, her glitter pens and markers, and Caitlyn admitting she also got a t-shirt and tote bag. 

They move to the living room then, Vander shooing them away to clean up before he’ll drive Caitlyn home. 

Caitlyn squeezes next to Powder on the armchair, while Vi plops herself next to Corina on the couch, who giggles in the way girls in love do. 

“So,” Vi gives Caitlyn a knowing smile. “You meet someone?” 

Caitlyn suddenly feels self-conscious. “No, why would I meet anyone there?” 

“Because everyone there shares a huge interest of yours,” Corina points out softly. “That’s why Vi and I started talking anyway.” 

Vi looks like she's just won the lottery, which she well deserves.

Caitlyn gives Powder a ‘help me’ look, but she shrugs deviously even though she knows the answer. 

“Well, Moose?” Vi prods. “You froze up like Claggor’s computer. See anyone you like?” 

“Stop calling me that,” Caitlyn huffs through her smile, but then she notices Vi’s arm around Corina’s shoulders, as casual as can be, protective, in love, and feels her heart shatter.

The realization is sudden. Undeniable. 

It’s you.

Chapter Text

16

It’s the year of Velvet Shed. That’s what Vi keeps repeating. 

It all starts after Vi’s 17th birthday. Corina, whose friend Gert works part-time at a coffee shop, announces the shop is hosting an all-ages open mic on NYE and she scored Velvet Shed a slot. 

Vi and Claggor work on a new song in record time, Mel tweaks a few of the lyrics, Mylo gets his “guitar solo anarchy” (his words) and off they go rehearsing it in Vander’s garage until every piece clicks and everyone knows it in their bones.

It always stuns Caitlyn how Mel’s voice carries. It really shouldn’t anymore, given that Mel throws the curse book at underperforming Hexes players every week, but that’s another kind of passion. Her singing is powerful; emotional in a transparent way. She doesn’t want it polished. She wants to let it crack, to snarl; she wants to defy, to confront. It’s obvious to everyone she’s addressing her mother through it all, but some things don’t need to be said out loud. Just like Vi expressing her anger on drums. 

And what seems like chaos on paper is teenage punk rock that livens up the open mic and gets them ravenous applause. It’s different, but it works. 

Caitlyn, Powder and Ekko are front row, and their parents show up as well (though Mayor Medarda abstains to avoid stealing the spotlight, she claims). 

Of course there’s Corina, too. Corina who pulls a sweaty, worn out Vi into her arms as soon as they wrap up. Corina who makes Vi blush and grin and forget about everything else in the world for a few seconds. Together over a year and Vi still looks at her like she can’t believe she’s real. 

Vander congratulates them, Claggor’s parents immediately help carry his keyboard, proudly stating “That’s our son!” to onlookers, and Mylo’s mom has kind words too, though his dad seems baffled by the whole place, constantly glancing around like he’s in some kind of barnyard. 

“Not a chatty chap,” Mylo once told Caitlyn. All she ever gathered from morsels is that the man drives trains for a living, doesn’t care about art, avoids all conflict with his wife and son, and can go entire dinners without looking up from his plate. 

“Caitlyn,” Cassandra says once she’s found her. “Why didn’t you tell me how good your friends are? This was much better than that… video you once sent me.”

“It was a short reel, mum,” Caitlyn reminds her. “I sent you their full playlist after.”

“Yes, well, that was noise. This was music!” 

Caitlyn sighs, “Okay.” 

She glances toward Vi and fights a smile when she runs a hand through her mass of hair and huffs when it just flops back in her face. But then Corina laughs and pushes it back for her, and Caitlyn feels lonely. 

Lonely even with her mother there, and surrounded by all her friends. With that feeling comes the shame again, which exploded once she realized why it hurts to look at Vi. 

Her best friend Vi. 

Whom she kissed.

A kiss that haunts everything now. 

A kiss that marked the beginning of this… this awful crush. And it’s been a year of trying to squash it all. Hoping it’ll pass. 

But that kiss. 

She wishes she’d never blurred the line, because now it’s her tainting the memory. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. 

Every thought she has about Vi twists their perfect moment into something else. Worse, Vi agreed to it so Caitlyn could have a first on her own terms, feeling safe and in control for once. What would she think now? That Caitlyn lied in order to get closer?

Caitlyn’s thoughts devolve into panic, fueled by self-loathing that has brought tears to her eyes on too many nights to count. 

She blinks rapidly, knowing she can’t spiral tonight. Not at the band’s special event. This is about their achievement, and if she isn’t careful one of them is bound to notice. 

It would ruin everything. Ruin their friendship, the group, the closeness she always wanted. 

*

Caitlyn tries her hardest around Corina, wanting to like her so much. What isn’t there to like? She brings something different to the group; a new outlook, a new energy. 

When Corina listens to her, Caitlyn feels like the most important person in the world, like lightning could strike and Corina would just ask her to continue. Mylo and Claggor tell her they feel the same way, that she just has a gift with people like that. 

And yet… 

When Vi kisses Corina, Caitlyn remembers her breath against hers, her gentle gaze, their bubble. She remembers feeling heard, loved, warm. Every time Corina smiles at Vi, Caitlyn’s insides burn. Every time she caresses Vi’s back, casual, loving, Caitlyn wants to hide under a rock and cry. 

Corina laughs with her, gives her advice on everyday things, even holds her hand sometimes, like any friend would, talks to her about Vi, and the things they do, how sweet Vi is, how attentive, and Caitlyn puts on her best smile while her heart shrivels up like an old leaf.

Please stop, she thinks, begs, terrified she’ll say it aloud one day, but it’s normal for Corina to want to talk about these things. It’s normal for friends to share. 

She hates how it colours everything Corina does. How she compares their hair, their skin, their styles. She hates that she looks at herself in the mirror and sees a girl Vi’s never wanted as anything but a friend.

You’re a kid, Vi had said before their kiss. Eleven months apart or not. Joking or not. A kid. Maybe she’d meant it deep down. Caitlyn wonders if Vi even sees her as a girl or if she’s just “My friend, Cait.” 

Just Moose. 

The nickname starts to make Caitlyn’s skin crawl. She used to love it even though she pretended she didn’t. It marked such a turning point in her life, but now from Vi’s lips it starts to feel like a reminder she’s just the lanky friend. 

And Caitlyn hates that she thinks that way. Hates that her best memories are turning gray. 

It feels like a dream falling apart. 

*

Claggor figures it out. 

They’re at the arcade when Caitlyn gets frustrated with the shooting game. The shots go all over the place, pew pew pew into the bushes instead of the zombies. 

‘YOU LOSE!’ the outdated animatronic mocks in its robotic, villainous tone. 

“Don’t hear that one a lot,” Claggor says, scratching his head. 

When he looks at her, Caitlyn is looking at Corina perched on the seat of the yellow Super Bike while Vi sucks on her neck, the screen behind them flashing WRECKED! in blinking red. 

“Oh,” Claggor murmurs, and then puts a couple coins in Caitlyn’s game. 

He stands behind her, squeezes her shoulder, and when she looks back at him, startled, he nods toward the screen. “Wanna try again? On me.”

She knows right then that he knows. 

His smile is warmer than a giant blanket and Caitlyn feels like a weight lifts off her chest. He knows and it’s okay. The world doesn’t end. 

“Double Trouble?” she suggests, pulling out a coin from her pocket. 

He cracks his knuckles and grabs the second gun. “Let’s do it.”

*

Caitlyn joins a Forensics Club and it feels like something just clicks. It’s an escape at first, a hobby just for herself, but by the third meeting it’s a fascination. There’s only seven of them for a while, including Loris, a quiet boy who barely fits through the door frame, but then one day a new girl sits next to her and Caitlyn gets flustered when she asks, “Is this the Forensics Club?”

Which is a silly thing to get flustered about, but... 

Pretty.

Very pretty. 

Sarah Fortune, that is. 

Caitlyn learns that Sarah is into unusual things, like studying rodents and creepy crawlies, growing crystals, and collecting sand and rocks. It makes Caitlyn think about Steb and his birds, and slowly Caitlyn finds herself looking forward to Sarah’s weekly updates on her pet rat, Pirat, and her mineral collection. 

Sarah says she wants to become an entomologist, forensic or medical, and it’s the first time Caitlyn meets someone her age so certain about her future. 

It’s also the first time Caitlyn allows herself to view this passion as a career. That the thrill she gets when analyzing prints, reading about profiling, piecing ‘clues’ together, isn’t just born from the movies she loves. Isn’t just living out her detective stories and mysteries. It’s what makes her body thrum; her pulse quicken with excitement. Makes her want to buy a thousand books and listen to a thousand speakers. 

Slowly, she realizes the club keeps her mind busy and her heart quiet. It’s exactly what she needs.

*

After the NYE success, Vi tries to actively pursue more grownup settings rather than birthdays or parties. It’s just a little hard with their sound being so… well, angry. Not exactly afternoon material. 

When the arcade announces a Battle of the Bands a few months later, it’s a no-brainer. The cash prize is a pretty sweet pot, but they also get recording time in an actual studio, something that Caitlyn knows Vi dreams about. 

They rehearse their twelve-minute set for weeks, but as they all hurtle toward the end of spring, Caitlyn becomes keenly aware that next year will be very different. That autumn will be lonelier than ever.

At their rehearsals, it feels like the tension grows thicker every time. No one knows what the future looks like, and no one wants to talk about it. 

The focus is on the showdown. 

When Caitlyn walks into the garage on a rainy Saturday, she finds Mel gargling with water by the tiny sink and Mylo and Claggor arguing about a few notes. Vi is on her phone behind her drums, a visible crease between her brows. Caitlyn doesn’t need to be her best friend to know something’s wrong.

“What’s going on?” she asks Mel.

Mel puts her cup down. “Corina should’ve been here an hour ago. Vi’s upset.”

“Did something happen?”

“You know Vi when she’s down in the dumps; she’s as forthcoming as a prison door.” 

Caitlyn approaches Vi anyway, stepping over the cables on the floor, maneuvering herself between the wall and the drum set. 

Vi looks up and seems to relax when she sees it’s her. She looks… sweaty, frustrated, but exhausted most of all. 

“Hey,” she says. Her voice is tired too, raw like she spent the day crying. 

Caitlyn fights the urge to hold her tight. They don’t really do that anymore. Her own fault, she knows. 

“Can I help?” she asks. 

Vi’s jaw ticks. “I don’t know. Can you make me a less shitty girlfriend?”

“You?”

Caitlyn doesn’t understand how Vi is the shitty one when Corina isn’t even here.

Vi looks irritated with herself, knee fidgeting. “I must’ve pissed her off.”

“Maybe she’s busy with homework. I know she’s been stressed waiting to hear from Holdrum.” 

Vi’s shoulders fall. “It’s not that.” She glances around as if she’s nervous the others will hear. “She got in.”

“She did?” Caitlyn replies, confused why Vi seems so dejected. “That’s great! She must be so relieved.”

“I only got into PIT,” Vi admits, and then, “When I told her this morning, she just… sounded so weird. I mean, it’s just three hours apart. That’s fine, right?”

Caitlyn wants to keep up, but all she can hear is her best friend got into her dream university. “Wait, you did?! That’s amazing!”

Vi's always had her sights on River Pilt’s Institute of Technology for their audio engineering program, one of the strongest in the country, but applied to Holdrum University as well.

PIT is still Caitlyn’s first choice too, won over by their forensic science programme, while Claggor is interested in their civil engineering degree. And though Mylo plans to stay close and attend Zaun U for filmmaking, Mel is set on breaking all their hearts by studying politics and international relations overseas. 

It’s no shock of course that she would fly so far from the nest. From what Caitlyn has gleaned over the years, Ambessa Medarda would rather give her daughter the world than a hug, and something in their relationship broke long ago. 

What it all means for the band is another topic no one dares to poke. There are things they just can’t face yet, but Caitlyn knows it’s the reason Vi has tried so hard to make this year memorable.

“Yeah, I guess.” Dejected, Vi shoves her phone in her pocket. “I’m just being a whiny brat.”

It’s the second time Vi’s insulted herself and Caitlyn doesn’t like it at all.

“Vi, you should be so proud of yourself.” 

Vi looks up at her, quiet for a beat, and then gives her a smile that wakes up her heart all over again.

“You’re right. Thanks. I needed that.” Vi reaches for her hand, squeezes it, and Caitlyn wishes she didn’t notice the difference in size; how Vi’s always had the loveliest touch despite her calluses. 

*

It becomes a pattern for Corina to miss rehearsals, and miss other group outings, but Vi maintains she’s simply getting busier. Corina stops texting most of them, and Caitlyn starts to remember old buried feelings, from around the time Maddie spent more time with Alice and Margot.

Except she knows Corina isn’t seeing anyone else. If she was stressed about hearing back from Holdrum, it seems she’s gotten even worse after getting her acceptance letter. A new chapter on an elite campus, in another city, is right around the corner, and Corina feels utterly unprepared for it. 

Still, Caitlyn never imagined Corina would miss the Battle.

The arcade sets up a stage with a number of sponsors in the background, creative lighting, cameras, and even has food trucks waiting outside. The place looks incredible, and Caitlyn feels the energy as soon as she walks in, squeezing past people to find-

“Moose, over here! Over here!” Ekko yells at her, jumping up and down so she’ll see his head of chalk-white hair over the teenagers crowding him. 

Caitlyn spends the time with him and Powder, but once the MC starts working the crowd, getting them excited for the show to start as the first band sets up, Caitlyn gets nervous.

“Where’s Cor’?” she asks Powder. 

“She has a debate tomorrow morning,” Powder replies, making a face. “Said she needs to practice.”

Caitlyn nods quietly. It’s no one’s fault — bad timing, maybe — and she knows Vi will say the same, that Corina’s clubs are important and she wants to be the best at what she does, but hurt feelings don’t always care about what’s rational. Vi is surely disappointed her girlfriend isn’t at the show she’s rehearsed for months. 

Velvet Shed are sixth in the lineup, right after the Firelights, which Ekko adores. If Vi is feeling down, she doesn’t show it on her face, instead channeling it all into her performance. 

Mel’s voice is the anchor, the fierce roar that captivates the crowd, but Caitlyn is transfixed by Vi. 

Muscle-tee, wild mane, passionate Vi who pours everything into the twelve minutes of the music she loves. Their closing song, Candy Corn Burnout, brings the house down, adding some Halloween flavour to the spring. Caitlyn knows the lyrics by heart, mouthing every word while Mel breathes life into them. 

When she glances at Vi, Vi is looking at her with a small smile, striking her drums like a woman possessed, and for a second neither looks away. Caitlyn sees the girl she met at a party, sitting on a kitchen counter and munching on cookies like she was starving.

Vi winks at her, and for a second it’s just them in purple lighting, with the drums matching her heart. 

Until Mel stops, Claggor stops, Vi stops, and Mylo goes into his solo, loose and relentless, walking around the stage like he owns it, and in that moment he does. They all do. 

When Mel grabs the mic again, she turns to look at her three bandmates. They catch each other’s eyes and grin like they’re starry-eyed kids again; like it’s their first rehearsal and the air is crackling with that young, explosive energy. 

They sing, strum, slam their way toward the end of the song, together, always, until Claggor’s last note cuts them all off sharply.

Powder and Ekko roar with the crowd.

And Caitlyn feels tears on her cheeks. 

*

Velvet Shed comes in second, right behind the Firelights. 

Caitlyn is certain there was a mistake, that they didn’t tally the points or the votes correctly, but when the gang comes back from the tiny backstage area, all tired out yet still beaming with pride, it seems like maybe they don’t care all that much. They get vouchers for one of the music shops sponsoring the showdown and a decent cash prize too. 

Caitlyn hugs them one by one, and when she comes up to Vi she has to break her rule. She takes her in her arms and exhales deeply when Vi melts into it, face pressed against her neck.

“My arms are noodles,” she mumbles, and then, “Stop getting taller than me.”

Caitlyn giggles. “You were amazing. Those judges are so stupid.”

Vi laughs it off as they separate. “It’s fine. I had the time of my life. Better reward than anything else.”

Mylo looks toward the exit. “Man, I’m starving. Let’s go check out the food trucks.”

“You go ahead,” Vi says, pulling out her phone. “I’m going to help Vander with our stuff and then see Cor’.”

“Wait, you sure?” Claggor asks, visibly disappointed. “We dreamed up this night for months, Vi.” 

“Yeah, I know,” Vi nods, “and we had a great time, but she needs help with her debate.” 

Mylo arches a brow. “Seriously? You don’t know the first thing about debate.”

Mel taps the back of his head and he groans. “What? It’s true.”

Vi forces a chuckle. “It’s fine. You guys have fun.”

“Suit yourself,” Mylo says. “More burritos for me.”

As the group walks away, Caitlyn can read on Vi’s face that it’s not fine. It hurts her. But she loves Corina more than anything, and sometimes disappointment from a loved one stings harder. 

“Vi?” she asks. 

“Yeah?”

Her eyes are tired – so tired – and Caitlyn knows right then how she helps her. Her crush, her feelings, none of it matters. Vi needs her best friend, and that’s who Caitlyn is going to be. 

“My mum is ordering from the new pizzeria tomorrow and Striker misses you a lot. Wanna come?”

Vi blinks, then huffs through a smile. “Dinner of champions, huh? Count me in.”

*

It’s the hottest month of June in a long time and Caitlyn is looking forward to the cool Ionian breeze. Six weeks in the mountains with her mother, her aunt and the sheep is exactly what she needs.

She’ll miss everyone of course, but the year has been long and Caitlyn feels like her body could use the break. 

“I’ll miss you,” she tells Vi, who’s never skipped out on telling her goodbye in person before summer vacation. Things are still shaky with Corina, but Vi has seemed less anxious about it all. Sometimes it looks more like resignation, but Caitlyn has never known Vi to give up on anything.

“I’ll miss you too. I hope your aunt makes those sesame cookies again.”

“If she doesn't, I will,” Caitlyn promises. 

“Wait, Cait...”

“What?”

Vi rubs the buzzed side of her head. “I never properly thanked you for being there at the arcade. It meant the world to me. I know Mel, Myles and Clagg feel the same.”

“I’m the groupie, aren’t I?”

“No, you’re… you’re so much more than that. I wish I’d been a better friend this year, but I’m going to make it up to you, I swear.” 

Caitlyn frowns. “What are you talking about?”

“I just feel like we…” Vi sighs, frustrated with herself. “Fuck, what am I saying? I missed out on so many hang-outs, and I always promised I’d sit in on your new club to understand it better, but I never did, and-”

“Vi, you were busy falling in love,” Caitlyn interrupts quietly. “It’s okay to get wrapped up in that.”

“No, it’s not,” Vi insists. 

Caitlyn looks toward her mum shoving the last suitcase in the car and feels her heart clench. This is it. 

“Will you text me a picture of Striker every day?”

Vander has agreed to take care of him seeing as they won’t travel this summer, but mostly because his daughters promised to do the caretaking. 

“One? You’re getting so many you’ll be sick of his face. In fact, I’m banking on it so you’ll just leave him with us forever.”

“Ha. I’d like to see you try.” 

Vi’s smile softens. “I hope you have the best summer of your life.”

“Oh yes, with my friend the sheep, baaah.”

Vi lets out a laugh, eyes crinkling. “I can’t believe you just did that.” 

“Why not? I’m very funny.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re a regular.”

Caitlyn huffs and turns around, feeling like she’ll never leave if Vi moves to hug her. It’s still…

It’s not easy. 

“When I’m gone you’ll realize how bad you miss my jokes!” she says.

“Oh, you’re just breaking my heart!” Vi yells back as Caitlyn gets into the car.

She puts on her seat belt and turns around in her seat, waves at Vi, her smile falling as she thinks…

That’s okay. You broke mine first. 

"Ready, darling?" Cassandra asks as she buckles in next to her.

Vi waves back with a grin, unaware, and there’s beauty in that too.

Caitlyn survived the year. She didn’t let her secret slip. Claggor had her back and that was it. She didn’t ruin them. 

Six weeks apart now. She’s going to bury this crush so deep that one day it’ll all seem ludicrous. She might even tell Vi about it. They’ll both be settled down with their own families, enjoying a movie, some fancy drink, and she’ll tell her, and they’ll have a good laugh about it. 

Vi is her best friend. That’s how they fit together. She knows now nothing can come in the way of that.

"Ready."

Chapter Text

Summer

Ionia is wonderful. It feels different, like seeing it through a new lens. She feels different.

They go on hikes practically every day, eat like fiends, as her mother puts it, help around the farm, with the sheep, the fencing, the vegetable garden, and by sunset all her muscles are sore, yet Caitlyn never feels so good in her body. 

Strong. Capable. Far from the little girl who desperately thrashed around in her costume, held back by a broken fence. 

She walks around without her eyepatch to feel the wind on both her eyelids, and not even the headaches can spoil the mood. 

In the morning, she gives herself some grace by staring at herself in the mirror. She runs her finger over her scar, trying not to loathe the texture and the colour, so much whiter than the rest of her skin. It’s a part of her body as well, and she is so tired of hating it. So tired of the years she’s conditioned herself to curl her lip in disgust at the sight of it. 

It doesn’t mean she’ll walk around freely, still sensitive to the sunlight, but it would be progress to accept it for herself. 

One such morning, her mother comes up behind her in the cramped bathroom and wraps her arms around her. Their eyes meet in the mirror. 

“You are perfect, darling.” 

“My friends say we look so much alike,” Caitlyn murmurs. “I never believe them because you’re so beautiful. Like an actress with good lighting that follows her everywhere.”

“Flattery will not get you out of pulling the weeds,” Cassandra jokes, gently gathering Caitlyn’s hair to braid it. It’s gotten longer and lighter and Caitlyn quite likes it that way. “I can’t believe how much you’ve grown — how time flies. Just yesterday you were my little lantern.”

“God, that was a clumsy costume.”

“I thought it was adorable. Your squeaky ‘Hello’ on stage made me melt on the spot.”

Caitlyn turns around with a frown. “So you did hear it!” 

Cassandra chuckles, tying the end of the braid. She lifts her daughter’s chin up and it’s hard to accept she is taller than her now, and so much stronger than she ever hoped her to be. 

“I am so proud of the bright, curious, striking young woman you’re becoming. My only wish is that you see her too in that mirror.” 

Caitlyn looks again, meeting the dullness of her own eye, and allows herself to believe it.

*

She keeps up with her friends, of course, and Vi sends her pictures of Striker as promised, but after the third week she gets quieter and Caitlyn doesn’t push. 

The fourth week, Caitlyn is sitting on the lounge chair in the garden when she gets a text from an unknown number: 

Hi, I hope you’re having an amazing summer

This is Sarah btw, I got your number from Claggor, I hope that’s okay 

By Sarah I mean Sarah Fortune 

From forensics club

Oh God I’m annoying. You can ignore all of this

It’s sweet. Caitlyn’s missed Sarah’s adventures. She always wanted to keep club in a sort of bubble, separate from the rest of her life, but it feels silly now that she never exchanged numbers with Sarah.

Caitlyn: It’s not annoying and I don’t mind! My summer is incredible so far. I hope yours is too. How’s Pirat? 

Sarah: Fat and happy! My mom is taking care of him. I’m in Bilgewater to see my dad. Do you know it?

Caitlyn: I don’t, send a pic?

Sarah: Really?

Caitlyn: Yes, please 🏝️

A minute later and-

Oh. 

Caitlyn’s phone drops on her face. She groans and picks it up, staring at the photo. She glances around, making sure her mum isn’t about to pop over her shoulder, and then back at the screen. 

She never noticed Sarah’s…

Smile. 

And that long necklace falls nicely on her… chest…. area. Is it a garnet? Caitlyn isn’t up to date on her gemstones. Sarah’s bikini is a pretty colour too — red compliments her skin tone and her long, wavy hair. 

Caitlyn sees the island background for the first time and remembers to exhale. Right. The view. 

Incredible view. Palm trees, clear blue water and a gorgeous sunset. They must be a few hours ahead. 

It would be so completely impolite not to reply, so Caitlyn sits up, stares at the screen a few minutes longer, and types her brilliant reply:

Caitlyn: Wow 😳

*

“Don’t answer her!” Mylo groans. “She’s not even worth it.”

“Don’t talk shit about her,” Vi snaps. “A month ago she was your friend.”

“You’re our friend, Vi, and she hurt you,” Mel points out. 

It’s all Caitlyn catches as she approaches her friends sitting on the park bench. It’s a beautiful day, just the start of August, and in a few short weeks, Mel and Vi will be off to university. 

“Since when am I the late one?” she asks, announcing herself with a grin. 

They all turn to her, and oh she has missed their faces. They’ve gotten fresh summer haircuts, slipped into their casual tees, their comfortable shorts, traded their backpacks for their Velvet Shed totes, and filled those to the brim with snacks for the afternoon. 

But they seem gobsmacked to see her, and Caitlyn’s smile slowly slips. “What?”

“Nothing. Nothing.” Claggor is the first to cough and look away. 

“Did I do something wrong?” she asks, mystified by Vi’s frozen look, Mel’s widening smirk, and Mylo staring at her… arm?

She touches her eyepatch, wondering if it slipped off somehow, but it’s firmly in place.  

“You’re freaking me out,” she says, which seems to make them snap out of it.

“What the hell did auntie feed you in Ionia?” Mylo blurts out. “I need some of that, stat.”

Claggor smacks the back of his head. 

“What?” he complains. “She got biceps! In six weeks!”

Caitlyn wraps her arms around her waist, feeling self-conscious. 

Mel gets up to hug her. “Cait, babe, Mylo is calling you fit.” 

“Huh?!” he stammers. “No, gross, that’s practically my freaking sister you’re talking about!”

“Blah, blah, we all have eyes.”

“Oh,” Caitlyn breathes out, somewhat relieved. 

She takes her place on the wooden bench and opens her backpack on the table. “All right, you better not finish these in an hour again,” she says, pulling out a round box full of her aunt’s sesame cookies.

(To their credit, they’ll finish them in two hours this time.)

When she glances around, Vi looks away and quickly shoves half her sandwich in her mouth, busying herself. 

Caitlyn has missed out on something. That much is certain. 

*

They split up hours later, their bellies full and their cheeks hurting from how much they laughed. It’s Mel they all gravitated around, excited for the huge changes in her life, the new country, and yet gutted too. Every joke, every conversation, has a bittersweet tinge to it. 

Vi walks with her a few blocks, hands in her pockets. Her hair is longer in the back, and it seems to get darker every year — a deep, rich red depending on the sunlight — but Caitlyn tries not to notice too many changes about Vi anymore. It feels like crossing her line. 

Looking at Vi is never just… looking. It’s always more of a study, like one would gaze at a painting for the first time, except it’s the thousandth time and she knows she’ll be back tomorrow, wondering how she missed a certain brushstroke. There is always something changed about her. A new line, a new freckle, a new twinkle in her eye that all seem so obvious now. 

Caitlyn clears her throat, unsettled by the quiet between them. Not uncomfortable, but unusual. “I thought we could hang out together soon, talk about… anything, if you wanted to.”

It’s not as delicate as she would’ve liked. Vi hesitates for a few steps, then lets it out: “Yeah, it’s done. Corina and I broke up.”

Caitlyn stops. She wondered about it in the park, when no one mentioned her at all, but the words aloud still stun her. “Vi, I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Vi shrugs. “I didn’t want to believe it, I guess. Besides, you had better things to think about.”

Caitlyn feels unsure how to act. Vi has her hands firmly in her pockets, a sure sign she doesn’t want to be touched, and has hardly met her eye since they started talking. 

“What happened?” she asks. 

Vi shifts in place. “She said… ‘Three hours apart is too much for someone who loves hard and fast, but doesn’t love deep.’”

“What does that even mean?”

Vi looks torn up about it. “I wasn’t good enough.”

“Vi–” Caitlyn steps forward but Vi angles her body to the side, subtle yet unmistakable. Caitlyn feels her insides twist. 

She clenches her hands. “It’s not true. I’ve been around you for years. I know how deeply you love. How much you give of yourself.”

Vi’s eyes fill with tears and she seems completely unable to meet Caitlyn’s gaze. It's like she’s ashamed of something, but what?

“Whatever you need,” Caitlyn whispers, “I’m here. I always have space for you.”

Vi nods; chews on her lip as they start walking down the residential street again. “I need to get some things squared away, but I’ll take you up on that soon. My last day at work is next Sunday.”

“That’s fine. Of course. I understand.”

“I’m really glad you’re back,” Vi adds. “Gang’s not the same without you.”

Caitlyn wants to believe the first part, but awful doubt creeps in. 

They only talk about Powder and music the rest of the way. 

*

It’s the first Forensics Club meeting of the new school year — well, pre-meeting — and Caitlyn wants to be more involved in the organizing this time. Their teacher advisor, Rictus, a retired cop and also part-time professor at Zaun U, is encouraging. 

Caitlyn speaks with their club president, who invites her to hang out with the treasurer to talk about a secretary or project leader position. The formality of it all sounds tedious, and Caitlyn has been known to be… somewhat impatient when it comes to red tape, but perhaps a good learning experience for her future career. 

“Hey, Cait!” 

Sarah finds her outside the building after the meeting, having missed it. She’s out of breath but cheerful anyway, showing off her pearly whites.

“You got your braces off,” Caitlyn remarks, affectionate. They texted throughout her vacation after their first interaction, mostly about their daily activities, and it was a welcome change of pace. 

It made Caitlyn stare at her phone, unable to stop smiling when she realized it was flirting. When she realized how much she enjoyed being liked liked. And it’s so easy to like Sarah too. 

Sarah grins. “Yeah, about time. Sorry I missed club, Pirat ate a marble. Well, I thought he ate a marble and rushed him to the clinic. Everything’s fine, except for my wallet.”

“Oh, God, that sounds stressful.”

“All over now, at least,” Sarah replies, and Caitlyn notices how she looks at her. How she smiles more; fidgets with her hands.

“Anyway… I promised myself I was just going to do this, so, here goes…” Sarah swallows and then just blurts it out: “Would you want to go on a date?”

Caitlyn blinks. “As friends?”

Stupid. 

Sarah lets out a breathy chuckle. “Definitely not.”

Caitlyn feels her cheeks flush. Her heart beat a little faster. “Really?”

“Well, yeah. You’re gorgeous, you make me laugh in club even if we’re analyzing fingerprints or old fabric, and I really liked texting you this summer…”

To be honest, Sarah had her at ‘you make me laugh.’ So she’s funny. That’s been confirmed, thank you very much. 

“Yes. Okay. I would love that.” 

“Are you sure?” Sarah exhales, looking like she didn’t prepare for this part. “It’s fine if you’re not into me.”

“No! No, I mean yes, I’m sure, a date sounds lovely. Do you, um, want to see a movie and maybe get some food on Saturday?” 

“Can we do that the other way around? So I don’t eat my popcorn like a starving cat and embarrass myself with kernels in my bra.”

Caitlyn feels excitement bubble up. “Of course. We can do that.” 

Sarah seems a bit shy now, but just as eager. “Awesome. Well, I’m back that way, so we’ll text for details?”

“‘Kay. I mean, great! Yes, let’s.”

Caitlyn wants to bury herself because of the absolute disaster that is her mouth today, but she’s going on a date. 

Her!

She is, right? 

Sarah reaches out to squeeze her hand, thumb brushing over her palm, and then walks away. 

Oh, God. 

*

She’s lost in thought, daydreaming about every detail of their date, when Mylo throws a candy wrapper at her. 

“Hellooo, earth to Moose.”

She shakes her head. They’re in the basement of Claggor’s house, otherwise known as the “dad cave,” stocked with a fridge, a pool table, table football, and mock bar, where they’ve definitely never touched the clear liquor bottles and replaced those with water. 

Absolutely not.

That would be delinquent. 

“Are you in or not?” Mylo asks. 

Caitlyn tries to piece together what he's talking about. They were discussing laser tag or… was it bowling?”

 “I- I can’t. I have plans already.”

“Forensics?” Claggor asks, and now Caitlyn feels embarrassed about something she shouldn’t. 

But this date feels like her own special thing and… is it so wrong to keep it to herself for a bit? 

“Yes,” she lies.

They seem to accept it, moving on to another topic, wondering if they should ask someone else. 

Caitlyn glances at Vi and feels queasy when Vi gives her a confused look. 

She knows. 

Of course she does.

*

“So, forensics on a Saturday, huh?”

They’re walking back home, their usual path until they have to part on Bluebell St. They used to go to each other’s home a lot more often, just to prolong the day.

Then again, they used to do a lot of things they don't anymore.

“I…”

Vi shrugs. “It’s fine. You don’t have to tell us everything.”

That frustrates Caitlyn. “I just… I don’t know what I’m doing or if this’ll be anything serious.”

Vi nods in understanding. “Whatever it ends up being, it’s okay to have your own thing, Cait. You deserve to have someone who… wants to make you happy like that.”

Caitlyn fights the urge to ask what ‘like that’ means to Vi and why she wasn’t good enough ‘like that’ for her.

The sudden bitterness surprises her. She’s over it. 

She is. 

Vi never owed her anything. 

“We’re going to the plex actually,” she admits quietly, realizing that Vi might be there. It’s not like she never saw her working, but it feels like something she should give her a heads up about.

“Oh, a movie huh? Solid.” Vi loses herself in thought for a moment. “I hate when people say it’s a bad idea for a first date because you can’t talk. You can actually figure out a lot about a person. What they like, don’t like, what humor they have, if you laugh or cry at the same stuff. My personal favorite? How they treat staff.”

Caitlyn adores when Vi rambles. It’s a rarity that she cherishes every time. 

Vi glances at her, eyes widening. “Shit, it’s the usher yapping again.”

Caitlyn smiles. “But I like it when the usher yaps.”

“Hm. Anyway, I hope it’s everything you want it to be,” she says, and Caitlyn catches her eyes finally. Can’t really read her expression. 

She supposes that’s what they do now — talk about their dates. It’ll have to take some getting used to, but that’s what best friends do. 

“I hope so too.” 

*

“Makeup?” Mel asks.

Caitlyn thinks about it and settles on, “Just a little eyeliner, maybe?”

“Subtle. I like it.”

Mel puts it on for her, smiling when Caitlyn looks up. “She’s going to melt if you give her that look.”

“The one-eyed look?”

Mel flicks her shoulder after capping the eyeliner. “She likes you. Don’t you get in your head about it now.”

Caitlyn sighs. “I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“Tell her, then. You’d be surprised how charming that can be, so long as you’re willing to learn… To laugh off the awkwardness and the bumbling.”

“Has Jayce done a lot of bumbling?” 

“Like you wouldn’t believe,” Mel laughs softly. “But I’ve been the awkward one, too.”

Caitlyn knows Mel and Jayce have a difficult road ahead, but they intend to make the long distance work and if anyone can, surely it’s them. 

“You? Awkward? I don’t believe it.”

Caitlyn watches Mel apply her own makeup in the mirror of her bedroom. They both have dates today and it’s been nice getting ready together. Another new thing. 

“Sometimes I’m glad we didn’t meet when I had my back brace,” Mel says. 

“Really? I didn’t know you needed one.”

Mel rolls her eyes. “God-awful thing. One day, I spray painted it gold to pretend I was some long lost queen wearing special armor. My mother was so furious. It stained all over my skin and clothes.”

“Well, you definitely have the posture fit for a queen now.”

“You know what you’re very good at?” Mel smiles as she uncaps her lipstick. “Changing the subject when the subject is you.”

“Hm.”

At the sound of the doorbell, Caitlyn realizes it’ll be time to go soon. The nerves start to get to her.

“That’s Jayce,” Mel says, rushing her makeup now. “Can you get it, please?”

“Sure.” 

Caitlyn likes Jayce a lot, though he went to the Piltover Academy and didn’t have much time for anyone other than Mel and his books. She’s fairly certain he’ll wind up creating magic one day — or a small earthquake, it’s hard to say. Jayce doesn’t really like red tape either, which might’ve bit him in the ass a few times. 

“Hey, Sprout,” he smiles at her, holding a bouquet. 

Caitlyn stares at it and could smack herself. “Where did you get those?” she blurts out. 

*

Maybe it’s a bit much and she’s watched too many movies, but Sarah appreciates the flowers and puts them in a vase. Caitlyn even meets Pirat, a Rex rat with the softest white coat. His eyes are like tiny rubies and he reminds Caitlyn of a lamb. 

Caitlyn thinks she catches a glimpse of Sarah’s mother sprawled out on the couch, in a shadowy living room, but she doesn’t dare ask about it and Sarah doesn’t share. 

Sarah is wearing a summer dress, and Caitlyn still can’t really believe she gets to date this girl. It’s a gorgeous day, warm with a breeze, but Sarah stops her before they enter the diner. 

The place is idyllic, with a canopy of flowering greens, and doesn’t require a budget for two teenagers on pocket money, but it does feel strange. Like copying what the adults do without really knowing why. 

“What if we just went to the park instead?” Sarah suggests, looking worried it’ll upset Caitlyn. 

Caitlyn toys with her shoulder bag. “Maybe sit by the lake? Grab a hot dog?”

Sarah smiles, relieved. “And fries.”

“Oh, definitely.” 

*

They eat under a tree, backs against the wide trunk, watching the ducks and the geese laze around the lake. There aren’t any lulls in the conversation, no heavy pauses or any need to think long and hard about the next topic. It’s easy.

“Do you know the Reveck house?” Sarah asks between bites.

Caitlyn freezes, but there’s no reason to. It’s been long enough. She’s learned to love this park since. 

“Sort of. By name.”

“I used to babysit there. He grew his own crystals — that’s how I fell in love with it.”

“Oh. Do you know what people used to say about him?”

Sarah shrugs. “Yeah, but people say a lot of things about lonely old guys. He used to work at the-” she stops herself, picking at grass. “Well, he was always nice to my mom.”

Caitlyn can’t help herself, so she asks: “No glass box in the living room?”

Sarah bumps her shoulder with hers. “Sorry to disappoint. Just a very boring house, except for the basement full of crystals.” 

“He has a child?”

“Grandkid. She’s about nine now. Parents died in a freak accident after her birth, so he took her in. He was a burn victim himself — looked a little different, you know? I think kids saw an old guy with a baby, in an isolated house, and went wild with crazy stories. Peeked inside his home one night, saw the reflection of a mirror and imagined a horror show. Wasn’t like that at all. I still talk to Orianna a lot.”

“That’s horrible,” Caitlyn murmurs. 

A man was trying his best to pick up the pieces of his family, and children turned him into a grotesque figure for cheap thrills. She lost her eyesight because of that ridiculous story. 

It’s all so… terribly frustrating. 

“Oh my God, I can’t believe I started talking about dead people on our first date,” Sarah suddenly says, hiding her face behind her hands. “What’s wrong with me? I’m really sorry, Cait. I’m so bad at this.”

Caitlyn puts her food aside, surprised by Sarah’s embarrassment. It was Caitlyn who prompted her and Sarah showed nothing but compassion when she told her side of it. 

She takes Sarah’s hand. “Sarah, it’s fine.”

Sarah seems mortified, convinced she screwed up the whole thing.

“It’s me who asked. Besides, you realize we met in forensics, right?” Caitlyn smiles.

Sarah chuckles and squeezes her hand. “Right.”

Caitlyn feels a soft warmth in her chest. Blooming affection for this new side of Sarah — a bit less confident, a bit more nervous than she expected. She feels suddenly protective. Wants to make her smile again.

“So... when are you teaching me how to make my first copper sulfate crystal?”

Sarah beams with delight.

*

They head to the multiplex soon after. 

Caitlyn doesn’t really think about seeing Vi until they’re walking toward the counter and she spots her handing off change to a customer. 

She has her uniform on, her burgundy polo and black slacks, but the top looks tighter around her arms and Caitlyn doesn’t know when the hell that happened. 

When Vi looks up and sees them walking toward her, Caitlyn notices her eyes doing a once over and feels her heart in her throat. 

What do you think? she wants to ask, but that’s completely inappropriate.  

“Oh, isn’t that one of your friends?” Sarah asks, recognizing her from Caitlyn’s lock screen with all of Velvet Shed. 

“Yes, that’s Vi,” she replies, and then gives said friend a smile. 

“Hello, Violet.”

Vi covers her name tag with a light huff. “Caitlyn.”

“Could we get two tickets to A Boat in the Valley, please?” 

“A comedy, huh? And I thought you had no sense of humor.”

Sarah squeezes Caitlyn's hip playfully. “She’s actually made me laugh a lot today.”

Caitlyn would poke her tongue out and say ‘ha!’ if that weren’t so immature. “Vi, this is Sarah.”

“Hey, Sarah,” Vi says, warm and friendly, “text me if you ever want the Michelin baby files.”

Caitlyn's cheeks flush.

“There are Michelin baby files?” Sarah laughs. 

“Oh yeah, a whole album,” Vi grins as she hands Caitlyn her change and tickets. 

“You are very dead to me,” Caitlyn glares.

“Enjoy your date, ladies.”

“Oh, ‘ladies’, are you turning into a 40-year-old now?” Caitlyn bites. 

Vi just winks. “Screen 10 is on the far right.”

Sarah pulls a grumbling Caitlyn along, and then coos,

“I need to see those files. I bet you look so cute.”

*

They sit in the empty back row, at Sarah’s insistence, and Caitlyn isn’t so inexperienced that she doesn’t know what that might lead to. 

She feels her heart pound the whole way, and then when one of the scenes is dark, a bit loud, Sarah’s hand glides up her neck and she shifts in her seat. Caitlyn swallows, meeting her eyes in the dark, and there’s no mistaking any of that. 

Sarah leans in and kisses her, soft at first and then flicking her tongue against hers. It makes Caitlyn hot everywhere, and her heart is pounding, and her hands are clammy. 

“You’re so beautiful,” Sarah whispers, and then Caitlyn smiles, feeling dumbstruck. 

“Okay,” she answers, and Sarah giggles quietly before resting her head on her shoulder.

“You’re beautiful too,” Caitlyn whispers back as Sarah entwines their fingers on her lap. 

*

Sarah is throwing a birthday party at the tail end of August, four days before Mel is on her flight, and Velvet Shed will be playing. Caitlyn suggested it and her girlfriend — that feels surreal — couldn’t have been more excited. 

Her party is gothic-horror themed and Caitlyn loves that Sarah doesn’t care what people think about her intricacies. Besides, Halloween in the summer isn’t something Caitlyn would ever complain about. 

They pick out their costumes together, kissing between conversations, and Caitlyn feels like she’s on a cloud. She wants to hold Sarah all the time, kiss her all the time, and Sarah wants that too, always gliding a hand up her back, her thigh, nuzzling her neck, kissing her cheek.

Being wanted, desired, is a high like no other. 

Caitlyn goes to Vi’s house to pick her up on the way, but Powder and Ekko answer the door and immediately tell her Vi’s been acting moody. Caitlyn knocks on her bedroom door and waits. 

“Hey,” Vi says when she opens it. Her eyes are puffy and Caitlyn’s heart immediately drops. 

“Vi, what’s wrong?”

“Nothin’. Just saw some sad cat video.”

“If you were Pinocchio, your nose would be across the street.”

“Got your detective hat on tonight?"

“No, I’m Jack.”

Vi takes in her costume. “Ah, the pumpkin king. Is Sarah your Sally?”

Caitlyn raises her brow. Obviously. “You’re not ready.”

Vi glances at her watch, which looks smaller on her wrist now. Not the clunky thing of her younger years. “Thought I had thirty minutes. Lemme get my stuff.”

“May I come in?”

Vi snorts. “You’ve been here a thousand times, Jack.”

Caitlyn walks in cautiously. “Maybe I took you by surprise and you have… something to hide in here.”

“Nah, my fuzzy cuffs are safe in their box.”

Caitlyn sighs while Vi laughs at her own humor. She sits on the bed, waiting for Vi to douse her hair in hair spray and apply her eyeliner. 

She notices a letter discarded on the desk and a signed 'Connol' scribbled at the bottom. Before she can look away, Vi’s come back in.

She’s wearing a sleeveless band tee and her ripped jeans, with a couple silver chains and the moody makeup to match. She looks like someone you’d think was trouble, but Caitlyn only sees her best friend and a broken heart. 

“Go ahead,” Vi tells her right away. “You can read it if you want.”

Caitlyn approaches her instead. “How do you feel?”

Vi is about to lie about it again, but then her lip quivers and she flexes her jaw. “He asked me to stop writing. He used to say, ‘No texts, no calls, but letters… letters are okay.’ Now it’s nothing. He’s done.”

Caitlyn exhales sharply. “Vi, I’m-”

“It’s fine. I have a dad. I don’t need another one.” Vi grabs her headband and ties it around her head. 

It hurts for her. Vi deserves so much better. 

Caitlyn can’t bear to do nothing. She steps forward, touching her arm. “It’s okay to be angry, or sad, or... want to yell, or cry.”

Vi lets out a choked cry and turns around, ashamed of her tears. “Last year my life was… I was happy, and now… it’s all gone to shit right in time for uni. I’ve been so stupid, and blind, and, and– I feel so fucking empty, Cait. Like those shells you pick up on the beach.” 

Caitlyn knows Vi won’t want to be boxed in right now. She steps behind her, touches her hip, and presses her forehead against her shoulder. 

“You weren’t stupid to have hope. It was brave of you to reach out and I’m sorry he keeps disappointing you. It’s a terrible feeling and I really, really wish I could take it from you.” 

Vi shudders, turns around, and wipes her nose with the back of her hand. She looks a mess, honestly, and Caitlyn just wants to hold her again. 

Vi opens her mouth, wavers, and Caitlyn feels like maybe she got it wrong, it’s something else bothering Vi, but then Vi shakes her head and whatever she was going to say is buried.

“Thanks,” Vi says, forcing a smile. “Don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Caitlyn cups her jaw and feels her heart skip a beat when Vi leans into it ever so slightly. She thinks of Sarah then and feels guilt drip, drip, drip. Their eyes meet. 

And Vi does what Caitlyn never thought she would. 

Vi looks at her lips. 

And Caitlyn’s blood turns cold. 

No. That can't be true. She retracts her hand like she’s been burned and Vi immediately steps back. 

Caitlyn puts on her best smile — playful, cheeky, friendly — because surely she saw wrong. “Your makeup’s a mess now.”

Vi lets out a short laugh and plays along too. “Whatever. It’s on purpose.”

She turns around and grabs her jacket with the three-headed dog patch sewn on the back. “Let’s make your girlfriend’s party the spookiest place in town.”

Caitlyn can see the crushing sadness in Vi’s eyes when she shoves the letter in a drawer, and feels completely powerless to stop it. 

*

It’s indescribably miserable to watch Mel get in the taxi with her mother.

Claggor rubs Caitlyn’s shoulder, Mylo pretends like he’s not crying behind his sunglasses, and Vi sits on the curb with her knees pulled to her chest.

As the car pulls away, Mel presses a kiss against her palm and her palm against the window of the cab, waving at all of them.

Caitlyn wishes there was a rewind button. Wishes it was the day Mel and her belly-laughed together for the first time, when Caitlyn needed help with some math problem and Mel offered to hang out, only for them to spend the evening gossiping about nothing and everything. 

It isn’t the end of them, but it is the end of this — the high-school adventures of five teenagers who shared a stage, their milestones, heartbreaks, fears, and survived it all through their love for each other.  

When Caitlyn glances at Vi, she sees the pain on her face, and she sees the anxiety too. 

It’s her turn next. 

*

Vi: 🚫 This message was deleted

Caitlyn: ?

Vi: fat fingered

Caitlyn: please keep this type of information to your future gf 

Vi: HA HA 🙄 see you tomorrow

Caitlyn: Sleep tight, Vi 

Vi: Trying

Caitlyn: Get off the phone 

Vi: No

Caitlyn: I'll send my mum 

Vi: Not THE Cass 🫣 goodnight 

Caitlyn: 😇

*

The dust hasn't settled yet, there's a long day ahead, and Caitlyn has never been so nervous. It's not like Vi is leaving to another country like Mel, but it feels like it.

“Are you okay?” Caitlyn asks Vi as they watch Vander stuff a second suitcase in his truck.

Claggor and Mylo are arguing over how to put away a desk lamp so it doesn’t break, and Caitlyn can't stop laughing at their antics. At least they'll have each other this year.

“Just queasy I guess.” Vi nods toward the house and sighs. “Powder’s not dealing with it well, so Ekko’s dad is picking her up soon.”

“We’ll be here for her,” Caitlyn promises. 

“I know,” Vi says, but doesn’t look any less worried. “It’s just a two hour train ride anyway. Barely anything.” 

“Yes, just a lovely walk to Mordor.”

“Whatever,” Vi chuckles, but her body language remains tense. 

Caitlyn drops the teasing and squeezes her arm. Vi’s started going to the gym this summer, so Caitlyn isn’t exactly shocked when she pinches hard muscle instead of soft flesh, but still, it’s impressive. 

“I bet half the campus will be in love with you by the time your first class starts.”

Vi shakes her head. “Caitlyn Kiramman: great friend, bad liar.”

Caitlyn could point out an excellent lie she’s spun, the one where she pretended she didn’t kiss her best friend in her dreams, and spent the rest of her life with her, but that would hurt them both irreparably. 

“Well, if you have a miserable year, I’ll be saving you next year.”

Vi smiles. “Unless you get into one of those fancier campuses out west.”

“It won’t matter. My first choice is PIT.”

“Hm. If I got in, you’re definitely getting in.”

“You got in because you’re ridiculously smart and even more talented.”

Vi shrugs, too tired to argue. And then she seems more hesitant when she motions between them and asks, “Can I…?”

Caitlyn swallows. “Of course. Why would you think you need to ask me that?” 

Vi doesn’t answer. She steps closer and wraps her arms around Caitlyn's waist. Caitlyn exhales deeply, and if their embrace is tighter than she expected, she doesn’t make a comment. It’s been too long without this — she can’t deny Vi now. 

Vi feels different against her, and Caitlyn wonders if her body feels different too. If Vi thinks it’s firmer or curvier or softer, or if she doesn’t really take notice of changes like that. Caitlyn is just Moose after all. 

“Don’t ghost me, okay?” Vi whispers. “I’m too soft for that shit.”

Caitlyn closes her eyes. “I promise.”

Chapter Text

17

It’s another year of firsts. Caitlyn never thought she’d be going into her last school year with a girlfriend, but being a teenager in her first relationship, enmeshed in the thrill of discovering this side of life, is a special feeling. 

Sarah makes hard days softer and rainy days brighter. Always there for her; there to listen with a hand caressing her back. She has a lot to say too, and when she talks about her crystals and rocks, when she raves about the defense mechanisms of bombardier beetles or the beauty of the spotted lanternfly, Caitlyn sees the spark in her eyes and could listen to her for hours. 

Sarah makes her feel wanted – not in the way friends want their friends in their lives, but in the way a girlfriend wants. She wants to hold her hand, kiss her, cuddle her, and often she wants to be naked with her too, whisper in her ear, moan, make her moan, share things about their desires, and once everything is over and their breathing quiets, that’s intimacy Caitlyn never understood before. Imagined, but never fully grasped. 

But there’s… a niggle in the back of her mind. Sometimes it feels like there’s a line in the sand, with Sarah on the other side, and Caitlyn doesn’t know how to cross it. 

The feeling starts at the worst time, one day at home, with Sarah’s hand gliding inside her shirt when they’re supposed to be doing research for Forensics Club. 

Of course, sitting on the bed with the laptop never did encourage successful studying, so Caitlyn can admit she saw this coming. 

“Sar…”

“What?” Sarah asks innocently.

“We still have to compare sample A and B.”

“Yeah, but…” Sarah tilts Caitlyn’s chin up and kisses her, tongue swiping inside her mouth. She undoes the zipper of her own sweatshirt and shows off enough to make Caitlyn weak in the knees. It would seem she took off her bra during their comparative analysis. Hm. Clever. “How about you sample this first?” 

That’s as subtle as it gets with her gorgeous girlfriend and Caitlyn isn’t one to deny her happiness. She chuckles, fond of Sarah’s proud little smirk, and leans in to kiss her neck.

“Mmm, sample A is very sweet,” she says, then shifts to lick down her cleavage. “And… hold on, sample B is salty. Miss Fortune, you desperately need treatment.”

“Uh-oh. Pills? Shots?”

Caitlyn kisses her full-mouthed, moving atop her as Sarah lies back. “Dopamine, endorphins…”

Sarah bursts out laughing and winds her arms around her neck. “I love you so much,” she lets slip, and then both of them freeze up, staring at each other with bated breath. 

Caitlyn thinks surely she’ll take it back. In love? Sarah is in love with her? 

Her?

But then: “I mean it, Cait,” she whispers. 

Caitlyn swallows, feeling a lump in her throat. What else is there to reply except,  “I love you, too.”

Sarah’s whole face lights up. She pulls her in for a kiss and for a moment Caitlyn doesn’t know what to do with herself. Sarah is in love with her.

She’s in love with Sarah.

And surely the doubt is just a by-product of the shock. 

*

“How about this one?”

Caitlyn squints at her phone, making out dark, bold lines that look like machinery. 

“Can you pull back?”

Vi flashes a grin, holding her sheet of paper further from the screen. “Never been asked that before.” 

Caitlyn purses her lips together, fighting a smile. “You’re disgusting.” 

“Yeah, yeah. So what do you think?” 

Aside from her required courses, Vi’s taken up a logo design class and sort of loves it, not that she’d admit it. 

“Those are cool, I like the thick lines better. But the three-headed moose is insane, Vi.”

“Yeah?” Vi asks. She picks up another sheet, staring at her mockup. “Don’t think it works as a logo though. Too busy. Maybe a jacket patch.”

“I’d drop my first paycheck on that jacket.”

Vi looks embarrassed. “Nah, not your newsgirl money. That’s hard-earned.”

“Data entry girl is more like it.”

Despite her mother’s wish to see her intern for the mayor, especially during the reelection year, Caitlyn landed a rare paid internship at a local paper, the Daily Zaunite, and has been enjoying the taste of professional life. But it’s still a student internship, and sitting in front of a computer hasn’t been all that stimulating. 

“How’s your sleeve healing?” she asks Vi. 

Vi designed her own tattoos, collaborating with the artist, Jules, to make the concept work on her body, and so began the slow process of her back and arms getting covered up in beautiful art. 

Caitlyn has yet to see them in person, but Vi is over the moon about each piece. The new one is mechanical wiring down her arm, all cogs and metal and steam, with blue shadowing and the outlines of seagulls perched on valves. Vi explained it represents where she comes from, the industrial jungle of her hometown with the coastal view. 

Proud to show it off, she takes off her hoodie and folds up the sleeve of her t-shirt. She joined a climbing gym a few months ago and it’s… obvious, not that Caitlyn stares at anything other than the lines of her tattoo. 

“God, that looks amazing.”

“Right? Better than in my dreams.”

“When are you getting started on your other arm?”

“Three weeks. Got some exams coming up, so would rather not feel all peely while I cram for everything.” 

“As if you aren’t a very studious girl,” Caitlyn teases.

Vi huffs. “I like the material, sue me.”

“I’m glad,” Caitlyn softens, looking around Vi’s background. She’s decorated her dorm wall a little bit, but she shares a room with another girl, Lest, whose style is worlds apart. “I can’t wait to go.”

“Sent in your applications?” Vi asks.

“Hm-mm.”

“Sarah?”

“Zaun U is her top pick. Her mom needs her.”

It’s not been a widely discussed topic, but Caitlyn now knows Sarah’s mother lives with clinical depression and debilitating migraines, which have left her unable to work for long periods of time. 

Vi nods in understanding. “The distance isn’t bad.”

“No,” Caitlyn agrees, though she sees in Vi’s eyes they both think of the elephant in the room, with Vi’s last relationship ending before they could even attempt to survive long-distance. “Speaking of which, when are you gracing us with your presence?”

Vi leans back against the wall. “Can’t really before Christmas. I’m waiting to hear back from Jules for that front desk position. Would take up my weekends, but the pay is way better than campus work.”

Caitlyn knows that’s how life goes, but feels the ache anyway. At least they have their regular phone calls. 

“Powder misses you a lot,” she says, knowing it’s a proxy for what she really means. 

“She’s not talking to me.” 

“I know,” Caitlyn murmurs, “but it’s written all over her face.”

Vi picks at something on the side. “Vander says she wants more time between counseling sessions.”

Caitlyn nods — she knows that too. “She seems to really respond to art therapy. I think she’d prefer more of that.”

“Cait… she’s gonna be fourteen. You remember that. No matter if we had each other, some days were unbelievably shit. School is still school, bullies are still bullies-”

“She has Ekko and these new kids, Eve and Thieram. We walk Striker together sometimes and we’re going to the arcade this weekend. She’s surrounded by people who look out for her, Vi.”

“More reason to stick to routine. Why does she want to rock the boat?” Vi asks with a frustrated grunt. 

Caitlyn wonders if Vi is just terrified she can’t be there. That Powder is about to go through some major life changes, both physically and emotionally, and she is hours away, with Powder already freezing her out. 

“I’m sure it’ll all be carefully discussed with her counselor. Vander listens to Powder, but he still has final say. You have to trust that they’ll make the right decisions. They have so far, haven’t they?”

Vi pulls her knees up to her chest. “I know. It’s just… sometimes when Powder really wants something, she finds a way to get it even if she has to sneak.”

“Oh, I wonder who she learned that from?”

Vi scoffs. “Me? Nah. I’m a coward. Never go for anything I want.”

“What are you talking about? The girl who started a band, made their merch, rang strangers’ doorbells to offer to mow their lawn or clean their pool, all so she could afford the combat boots she liked or the out of price eyeliner she smeared on… is a coward?”

“Holy shit, did we move on to the roast Vi segment?”

“It was a compliment!” Caitlyn gasps. “You’re an entrepreneur. A go-getter.”

Vi chuckles, but it slowly ebbs. “You don’t know everything about me, Moose. The things I… couldn’t say, couldn’t do.”

Caitlyn looks away, toward the window of her room. “Well, hopefully those were your crazier ideas, like when you wanted to jump off a rooftop for a ‘sick shot.’”

“Yeah. Real knucklehead behavior. Anyway, I’ll keep texting her.”

“And I’ll try to talk to her,” Caitlyn says gently, meeting her eyes again. “I’m sure she’ll come around. There’s just been a lot of change, but she loves you more than anything.”

Vi nods. “It’s just… sometimes that’s not enough, you know? Sometimes the relationship gets screwed up anyway.”

Caitlyn swallows. “I know, but yours won’t.”

“You really believe that?”

Caitlyn wishes she could reach into the screen. Wishes she could be brave. Wishes today could be that day she tells Vi about the past and they laugh about it. 

She would say, It depends. I think if one person loves too deeply, or too differently, it can disrupt a relationship. When I fell in love with you, it changed the fabric of us. 

I held back from taking your hand. I stopped you from hugging me. We used to speak through simple touch and I had to kill that, otherwise I would’ve shattered. 

You’re right: Love isn’t always enough. Love can damage, too. 

Of course, today isn’t that day. Caitlyn has buried the deeper reaches of her love for Vi, but the soil is still fresh, susceptible to be bothered. 

She replies, “You and Powder can survive anything.”

*

It’s just one moment. 

Caitlyn feels good about herself that day. Her hair looks sleek, her outfit is sharp, fit for an intern at a paper. 

She has to cross the plaza to reach the Daily Zaunite, an old brick building that looks much more modern on the inside. Teens often hang out outside the shopping centre, sitting on the benches that wrap around the planters and tree pits. 

This teenage boy, fourteen at most, and his equally brash friends, stare at her as she walks across the plaza. 

“Arrrrrr!” they call out, cracking each other up with more absurd imitations. “Ye be looking ridiculous, matey!”

And it is so stupid. She’s heard it a thousand times. These are teens in a group. Idiots at best. But today of all days, on her way to work, feeling good about herself — God, it does reach her. 

Her confidence shoots down. She turns her face away, picks up the pace. 

At the paper, she sits at her computer and barely talks to her supervisor, who glances over her work at the end of the day and approves it. 

Sarah picks her up and Caitlyn puts on a smile, but Sarah notices something is off on their way to the arcade. 

“Baby, what’s wrong?” 

Caitlyn replies it was a long day, too embarrassed by the whole thing. It was barely twenty seconds. She needs to get a grip. 

*

“Is she okay?” Powder asks her a few days later, having joined her in the park to play with Striker. He doesn’t chase after his frisbee as hard anymore, but he still loves to bring it back to them. 

Powder’s hair has grown down to her back and she braids it every other day now, sometimes with Vander or Ekko’s help. It almost seems therapeutic, like a gentle, slow ritual that keeps her hands busy. 

“Uni is hard,” Caitlyn replies, always careful to avoid putting words on Vi’s feelings. She’s looked lost at times, frustrated, nervous, and at others she’s raved about the campus, about her courses, about working the front desk at the tattoo parlor. “She’s getting more comfortable every day, but it’s never going to be like home.”

“Whatever,” Powder mutters, “she hated it here. Couldn’t wait to get away.”

Caitlyn stops. “Powder, that’s not true. She’s pursuing what she loves, and unfortunately it’s a little far away.”

“Why not Zaun U?” Powder asks sharply. “Why does everyone have to run away and then have a million excuses not to come back?”

“She’s coming for Christmas.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“She didn’t run,” Caitlyn promises. “When we call each other, you’re the first person on her mind. She wants to know everything.”

Powder kicks at a leaf on the ground. “When we came here with Vander, she said we’d never be apart. Now she has this new life somewhere else.”

Caitlyn stops her, watching as Powder kneels down to pet Striker as he shows his belly. 

“She wants you in her life. Even if it looks a little different, she’ll always, always be your sister.”

Striker nuzzles Powder’s hand, panting against her thick mittens. He’ll conk out soon, not as tireless as he used to be. It’s been a cold autumn, with the trees shaking off their leaves a little earlier this year. 

“I don’t know what to tell her,” Powder mumbles as she gets up. 

Caitlyn wonders if maybe Powder didn’t mean to freeze Vi out for so long. That at first she decided to stew for a week, but then a week turned into a month, and then she worried the rift was all her fault and Vi wouldn’t forgive her. Avoidance became the solution. 

“How about you just answer one text?” Caitlyn suggests. “Just ‘I’m doing well’ or ‘how are you?’ Maybe a picture of the microscope you built with Ekko? I’m sure she’d love that.”

They start their walk out of the park, where Caitlyn will accompany Powder home and then most likely have to carry her dog a few blocks. But it feels like it was worth it. 

“Yeah, okay,” Powder says eventually, and Caitlyn breathes a sigh of relief. 

*

“All right, I can’t take it anymore. What’s been bugging you?”

Caitlyn blinks at her phone, staring at Vi’s furrowed brow. Sarah is spending time with her mom and the school week has been pretty busy overall. 

“Nothing? The movie last night was awful. Mylo got upset because he thinks it’s a masterpiece. We need a couple days to get over our argument,” she jokes. 

Vi shakes her head. “No, you’ve had that faraway look for a week.”

Caitlyn shifts on her side and props her phone up against her pillow. It feels like what they used to do; talk for hours on her tiny bed about this bizarre, painful, beautiful world.

“It was just long.”

“I’m here to bitch about it, if you want.”

“I don’t want,” she says, and then can’t help herself: “It’s stupid.”

“Oh, it’s your feelings getting hurt, so it’s stupid, is that right?”

Caitlyn frowns, startled by the edge in Vi’s tone. “No, it really is just stupid.”

“Maybe, but it’s sticking to you like a tick on a possum’s ass.”

“That’s… a disgusting visual.” 

Vi smirks. “Got your attention, didn’t it?”

Caitlyn picks at a thread sticking out of her pillowcase. How does Vi always get everything out of her?

Well.

Not everything. 

“It was just… this one day. I felt good about myself. I dressed smart for my internship, looked in the mirror, and… I felt pretty. Confident.” 

 Vi gives her a soft smile. “As you should.” 

“Yes, well, then a bunch of kids yelled I look ridiculous. And I realize what’s ridiculous is getting upset by that. They probably insult everyone and their mother.”

Vi presses her lips together, patient. “But?”

Caitlyn rests her head on her bent elbow. “But it knocked me down several notches anyway. I went from feeling good to feeling like I’m a walking Halloween costume to be pointed at.”

“Cait…”

“I know. I shouldn’t let it affect me.”

“No. I get it. It hurts.” 

“It does.”

Vi lies down too, turning the phone around. 

“When I cut my hair for the first time, buzzed the side, I felt like a million bucks. It was… the best day of my life at the time. I looked at the mirror and there I finally was.” Vi smiles just enough to flash a dimple. “Next day, I’m still on a high, I’m walking down the street, and this couple of suits with gel-slicked hair take a damn picture of me before bursting out laughing.”  

“Vi… that’s awful. You never told me this.”

“Never told anyone,” Vi admits. “I flipped them off, acted tough, but shit, I felt so small. I just wanted the ground to swallow me up.”

Caitlyn’s hand twitches and she realizes she wants to slide a hand through Vi’s hair. She has always known her like this and can’t imagine a Vi who doesn’t express who she is how she damn well pleases. 

“What did you do after?”

Vi grins. “Went home, stared at the mirror… and thought, hold on, I look hot.”

Caitlyn lets out a laugh. “I’m glad.”

“The point is… I know it’s easier said than done, but this stuff has to come from you. No matter what, you need to have your own back.”

“God, Vi, do you just acquire a mature, wise switch once you get to uni?” 

“Nope, got it made special for me the day I was born, thank you.” 

“Oh, of course, how could I forget,” Caitlyn smiles. 

The lighting in Vi’s bedroom seems darker and Caitlyn notices they’ve been talking for forty minutes now. It feels like she could stay here all night.

“I’m sorry,” Vi says more seriously. “I wish I could make this world less of a bitch.”

“Well, you are making it more bearable right now.”

“What did Sarah say? Put them in their place I hope?”

It feels like a cold shower. Caitlyn hasn’t even—

It was so easy to tell Vi, yet she couldn’t begin to tell Sarah. It just felt like something Vi would have the answer to. But is that not just justifying something Sarah would feel hurt by? 

“She wasn’t there,” Caitlyn replies smoothly, knowing it’s odd she wouldn’t have told her girlfriend. “And then I suppose… I just didn’t want to sound silly.”

“It’s not silly, Moose.”

Caitlyn doesn’t know why she grimaces.

Vi’s smile falls. “Why do you do that?” 

It’s a bold question for Vi to ask, all things considered. 

“Do what?”

“You flinch when I call you Moose now.”

“I don’t.”

Vi frowns. “You clearly do.”

“Oh, drop it.”

Vi sits up. “Why are you being so defensive? Do you hate it now or something?”

“I don’t hate it,” Caitlyn replies sharply, sitting up too. She doesn’t care about it anymore. Her feelings are gone. She likes the nickname. She likes just being Moose, Vi’s best friend. “I didn’t even flinch. The camera’s bad quality.”

Vi looks like she’s going to let it go, but then, “I know what I saw. It’s not the first time.”

Caitlyn feels a spark of anger. Why is Vi doing this? Poking around things that don’t mean anything? 

“What does it matter? I’m just tired. I’m thinking about a thousand things at the same time.”

“It matters because if I’m doing something that annoys you, I want to stop.”

“Then stop asking questions you don’t want the answers to!” Caitlyn snaps. 

Vi’s eyes widen and Caitlyn feels her breath stutter. She didn’t mean to say that. It’s far too close to the truth. 

“Cait-”

Caitlyn ends the call and slams her phone face down on the bed. 

*

Vi: I’m sorry I pushed. 

Vi: Cait. I’m so sorry. Don’t ice me out. Please. 

Caitlyn remembers her promise before Vi left, knows how gutted she was when Powder went no contact, and could never reopen that wound. 

Caitlyn: It was my fault, I’m sorry. I was tired and cranky. We’re fine.

Vi reads the message but doesn’t answer for days. Caitlyn doesn’t know what else to say. 

Then one day Vi tells her Powder called her; that they’re working their way back to regular texts, and they fall back into lighthearted conversations and ignore the rest.

Another thing to sweep under the rug. 

Caitlyn doesn’t know why it makes her want to burst into tears. This is how they stay best friends. 

*

It’ll be winter tomorrow and Caitlyn needs this autumn to end on a good note. 

Her mother is deep into a campaign ‘war path’ following Mayor Medarda polling too close to her challenger, Irius Bolbok, who comes from old money and runs a campaign rooted in division. Piltover and Zaun have become too entangled and it is time to have pride in their own traditions — that sort of thing. 

It’s no surprise the air at home is crackling with tension when her mum comes back late at night, sometimes in the early hours of the morning. Years of work might come undone. 

But that also means Caitlyn has been able to have the house to herself.

She has Sarah in her arms as soon as she walks in. 

“You won’t need this,” she says, sliding off her thick scarf. 

Sarah smiles against her mouth, cups her ass, and feeling her body against hers is enough to wipe all thoughts.

Caitlyn kisses her firmly, hands going up her sweater. She palms her breasts and kisses down her neck, losing herself in her smell and her softness. 

“You make me so hot,” Sarah moans close to her ear.

They wind up in bed, not so shy anymore, at least compared to their first. Caitlyn pulls down her underwear and feels a bit drunk when Sarah spreads her legs. She kisses down her chest, her stomach, and blocks everything else out. 

But as Sarah breathes out her name, as Sarah repeats those three words, over and over again, Caitlyn still wants to cry. 

Guilt makes her insides clench. 

*

They’re in bed tangled together, their breathing quieting, when Sarah props herself up, looks at her, and runs her thumb over her jaw and lips.

It’s sensual, a lover’s touch; Caitlyn kisses her finger. Sarah smiles, and then her thumb grazes over her ear, over the elastic of her eyepatch.

Caitlyn wraps her hand around her wrist.

She regrets it immediately. 

“I wasn’t going to-” Sarah says, eyes widening. “Cait, I’d never do that.”

Caitlyn sits up, letting go of her. “N-no, I know, I’m sorry. I overreacted.” 

“You didn’t. It’s just how things are between us, isn’t it?”

Her voice isn’t sad, just matter-of-fact, as if it’s a rhetorical question. She’s accepted it already. 

“What do you mean?” Caitlyn asks. 

“I just… I wish you’d let me in a little more,” Sarah murmurs. 

“Sar-”

“You know who I think about when something good or funny happens to me? You, Cait. You know who I need when I feel like shit? You. But I’m not your person, am I?”

“My person? You’re my girlfriend.”

“That’s not the same. It can be, but… it’s just not us.”

Caitlyn feels panic rising in her chest. “Of course I think about you. Where is this coming from? We talk about everything under the sun.”

“Yeah, everything but you.” 

“We were talking about uni just yesterday, about what courses I want to-”

“God, Cait, I mean this,” Sarah says, pressing a hand over Caitlyn’s heart. “I mean the reason you were so upset before Mylo’s bash at the arcade. Why you hate your own birthday. Why sometimes you talk about things you like and suddenly stop, as if you think it’s boring or annoying when it’s not.”

Caitlyn feels the panic twist to fear. “Sarah, I love you. I love what we have.”

Sarah’s shoulders fall. It’s not the answer she wanted; doesn’t even begin to address what she said. “All I’m saying is, I’m all in. Are you?”

Her hair is down, her mouth parted, her eyes vulnerable and kind — Caitlyn knows how lucky she is to share a bed with her. And knows it goes beyond attraction too, deeper than sex, yet not… not what Sarah talks about. Not what Sarah means. 

But how could she possibly tell her that after she’s bared her heart?

Caitlyn cups her cheek and kisses her, as tender as can be, and while Sarah gets lost in it, in the morning they’ll both remember the question went unanswered.  

*

Mel: I know you’re set on PIT, but you would adore it here 

Caitlyn: I did look at their forensics program, but my heart is near the river Pilt

Mel: Oh that I’ve always known 

Caitlyn: ?

Mel: See you at Christmas 😘

*

Sarah and her have just left Forensics when Sarah ughs at a series of texts she gets. The snow crunches under their boots as they walk through the park. 

“This is so dumb.”

“What’s wrong?” Caitlyn asks. 

“My uncle is trying to do damage control because nobody showed up to my cousin’s birthday. Well, two people did: the neighbor’s kids.”

Caitlyn falters in her step. “That’s awful.”

“Oh, don’t worry, he’s a brat. He probably got over it after opening present number twenty.” 

“What’s your uncle saying?”

“He’s blasting the group chat so we’ll do another party, all family and bring a +1. I’m over it.”

“Maybe he forgot to send the invitations,” Caitlyn says offhand. 

“Yeah, right, and the old family dog was sent to live on a farm,” Sarah chuckles, bumping her shoulder. “My cousin’s just a little lame, honestly.”

Caitlyn hasn’t thought about it in years. Didn’t want to. The feeling of that disappointment, that crash from such excitement… she could close her eyes and relive it like it happened yesterday. 

It’s not that she really believed her mother, organized to a tee, forgot a stack of invitations on her desk. It’s that she forced herself to believe it. 

Sarah was right on that — she’s hated her birthday ever since. 

Regardless of her mother’s instinct to protect her, Caitlyn knows that day ruined all birthdays for her. It’s why it’s always a quiet, normal affair now. 

Vi, Mylo and Claggor tried to organize a party the first year, but Caitlyn felt a sudden rush of anxiety when she found out about their secret chats and plans, and begged them to cancel it. 

They settled on a casual outing at the arcade, Caitlyn had dinner with her mum in the evening, and that was that. All she needed. 

She could never be the reason people decide to come or not. There is always the risk they won’t. That she isn’t enough.

And that feeling alone would invoke such horrible dread it simply isn’t worth it. 

For the sake of that little girl in her knickerbockers and buckled shoes, so desperate for just one person to show, Caitlyn has buried those feelings too. 

*

Caitlyn finds her mother in the kitchen — a rare early evening in — and wraps her arms around her shoulders. Kisses her cheek. 

“It’s just broccoli cheddar soup, darling,” Cassandra says, pleasantly surprised by such affection. 

“Can’t I kiss my mother hello?” 

“You won’t hear me complaining. Good day?”

“It was lovely, but I want to hear more about yours.”

Cassandra nods toward her glass of red wine. “It’s my second.”

“All right, then,” Caitlyn chuckles. “Should we watch Rose Boulevard tonight?”

Cassandra opens her mouth, about to protest, no, she doesn’t watch that silly show, but…

“Oh, fine, if you want to.”

Caitlyn starts to set the table. “Last I saw, Bo and Lucia were walking down the aisle. How is Evelyn dealing with it all?”

Cassandra waves her hand. “That marriage is doomed to fail.”

Caitlyn pulls out the soup bowls from the cupboard and listens as her mother goes into a passionate critique of the screenwriting.

A monologue, really.

She laughs at her mother’s wild gesturing, sometimes interrupted by a sip of wine, and then thinks, 

Vi would get such a kick out of this. Probably write a song about it, something like Rose Boulevard Rant. 

And then catches herself.

Why does she always—

Why is Vi still—

She grabs a glass from the cupboard and interrupts her mum: “Can I have a drop?”

Cassandra arches a brow. “Now I understand where that kiss was coming from. Trying to butter me up?”

“Oh, please, you let Aunt Emi teach me how to make plum wine this summer. You know I’ve had my first taste already.” 

Caitlyn won’t mention it happened way before this summer with her friends in Claggor’s basement, but she suspects her mum knows that anyway. 

“That was educational. But I suppose a drop won’t hurt… and I am rather impressed you’d try to cajole your mother like she doesn’t know every trick in the book.”

Caitlyn grimaces. “I’d rather not know whose cheeks you’ve kissed over the years, mum.” 

Cassandra rolls her eyes, and for once Caitlyn does see herself in her. “Set the table, darling.”

Caitlyn grabs the spoons with a cheeky grin. “Yes, madam.”

*

Months of carefully guarding her heart. Months of allowing herself to believe Sarah is right for her and she’s right for Sarah. 

The spool unwinds itself in a day. 

Vi walks into the arcade with her red jacket over her thick hoodie, grinning at all of them. 

Mylo and Claggor mimic a wolf whistle, greeting her like friends do, hugging her, tapping her back, ruffling her hair when she does it to Mylo, but Caitlyn, Caitlyn feels stuck in place. 

It’s one thing to speak on the phone every week, separated — protected, maybe — by the screen between them, it’s another to be in the same room.

Vi approaches her and Caitlyn doesn’t know how to act; what to do with her body. She knows she’s smiling wide, it is so good to see her, but the rest is at a loss. 

So she lets Vi take the reins, and Vi pulls her in her arms and squeezes just lightly before letting go.  

“Don’t tell me you got taller. Guys, did she get taller?”

“Yeah, we think she’s got sequoia blood,” Mylo says. “Definitely part tree.”

Caitlyn rolls her eyes, feeling warm and at home. “Mel should be here soon.”

Vi looks at her friends and seems to get emotional. “Cool. It’s good to be back.”

She looks… different, more mature, exactly how Caitlyn imagines college kids, with a tad more grownup experience reflected in their eyes. She wonders if Vi thinks they’ve changed too.

Claggor has lost his baby fat and bulked up a lot since the summer, and Mylo has a mustache now (or the shadow of one at least). Their voices have settled; their hair gotten a little less wild, a little more put together. 

When Mel arrives just ten minutes later, it’s like entering a time capsule. 

“If you cry, I’ll be a wreck,” Mel warns, “so don’t you dare start.” 

It feels like they do more sitting around than playing, but it has been too long and time absolutely flies. 

“Double Trouble?” Vi asks her later, while the others team up against each other to play air hockey. 

Caitlyn picks up a gun and hands Vi the other. “If you can handle it. You are out of practice.”

Vi scoffs. “Oh, you’re on.”

*

“Did you miss it?” Caitlyn asks.

Caitlyn has walked Vi home and they now sit in the garage, where her drum kit is covered with a tarp. Powder has spray painted doodles all over it, from monkeys to sharks to geometry and equations. 

Vi and her are back on the same page, Vi said. But Powder’s fear of abandonment will necessitate more than a few conversations, especially since the root of it all is a man who refuses to speak to them. 

“It’s weird. I haven’t really. Not the drums, anyway.”

“What, then?”

Vi motions toward the garage. “This. Coming here, sitting in the quiet, thinking about a song, and then hearing that come to life when the band would get together. How we managed to forget the world in here.”

Caitlyn nods, back pressed against the wall. Vi’s never been one to be attached to things above people. 

“Would you play the Gateway solo?”

Vi arches a brow. “Now?”

“Hm.”

“I’m rusty.”

“That’s all right.”

Vi takes off the tarp and sits behind her drums. She blows on them, then grabs her sticks. 

“Don’t laugh,” she says in a pointed tone, though Caitlyn reads the nerves in it.

“What am I supposed to find funny?” Caitlyn replies, quoting Vi from years ago, said in her tiny bathroom. 

Vi sinks into it as soon as she hits the snare drum. 

It isn’t long, just two minutes of the steady, metallic ringing. Two minutes of Vi riding a beat she wrote herself years ago, showing off her writing and drum skills at the same time. She used to call it her “showboating beat” — the one solo she allowed herself, usually the one to prefer accompanying her bandmates. 

Caitlyn can’t tear her eye away. Feels such pride at having witnessed how far Vi has come. 

Finally Vi holds her sticks as the last vibrations fill the room and then fade. 

“Holy shit, I’m buzzing!” Vi exclaims with a wide grin. 

She looks like it. Looks alive. Happy. At least in this moment, and Caitlyn’s heart goes haywire. 

She remembers then. 

(As if she ever forgot) 

It’s you.

Her whole body feels like ice, because she knows it isn’t fair to Sarah. Because she has lied to herself and in doing so has lied to Sarah. 

And now the only end to the lie is breaking her heart. 

*

Sarah invites her over Saturday afternoon and it feels like she knows.  

There’s a stillness in her house. Sarah opens the door for her and they walk past Pirat in his cage. Caitlyn can’t hear anything other than him drinking water from his sipper. 

She noticed before how Sarah’s house is arranged for her mother's comfort. The lights are all dim, if on at all. The drapes in the living room are closed shut. The sounds are minimal. It’s a house with personality, and Sarah’s still shines through in the decorations and her hobbies, but there’s always been an eeriness to the quiet. 

“Did I do something wrong?” Sarah asks once they get to her bedroom, trying to brush away her first tears and then giving up entirely. 

Caitlyn feels stuck in place, having hoped they could’ve talked about something else at first, anything really, but, well, there’s no easing into this, is there? 

“No, of course not,” she replies.

Sarah shakes her head. “Right, but you’re doing this anyway.” 

Caitlyn sits next to her on the bed, a good amount of space between them, unsure if Sarah even wants her anywhere near. 

“You’re so… you’re amazing, Sarah. I’ve just…”

“Just tell me, okay?” Sarah asks, head sharply turning to look at her. “I don’t want to be jerked around.”

Caitlyn works her fingers into knots. She’s the asshole. She’s the one breaking a heart. “I love you. I really, really do. I’m just not… I’ve felt like-”

“You’re not in love with me.”

Caitlyn is so ashamed of it that her instinct is to refute it, to say, “No, that’s not what I-”

“Say it, Caitlyn,” Sarah spits out, eyes filled with tears, because she sees right through her. “Have the decency of being honest.”

Caitlyn can’t meet her eyes and never feels more like a coward than now. 

“Sarah, please…” she whispers, a plea she doesn’t deserve to make. 

“No,” Sarah denies her. “Look at me and say it. I need to hear it.”

Caitlyn meets her gaze and feels her heart sink at the pain on Sarah’s face. The anger mixed with heartbreak. 

“It’s a cruel thing to say.”

“Cruel is saying what you don’t mean. So unsay it now. Maybe you’ll think twice with your next girlfriend.”

Caitlyn knows she deserves that, but still hesitates.

"Caitlyn, just say it!" Sarah exclaims.

“I’m not in love with you,” Caitlyn breathes out, ashamed. “I never, ever meant to hurt you. I'm so sorry that I did, I-”

Sarah gets up and wipes her cheeks with the back of her hand. “Go.”

“Sar–”

“Oh my God, don’t make me beg,” Sarah’s voice cracks. “You did what you wanted to do. Leave me alone, Cait.”

Caitlyn nods, knowing the least she can do is give her what she asks for. 

*

The sob escapes her as soon as she gets home. She feels dizzy; looking around like she doesn’t know what to do with herself. Unable to move, to take off her jacket or shoes. 

She did this. She knew Sarah wasn’t—

She knew Sarah wasn’t Vi and still she pretended like one vacation away could be enough to move on.

It has been months since she swore she’d bury her love, and she is back to square one. 

“Oh god, oh god,” she sobs, frozen to the spot. Why did she have to grab Sarah’s hand and pull her into this mess? 

Sarah didn’t deserve this. Didn’t deserve a coward using her as a shield. 

“Caitlyn, my goodness, what happened?” Cassandra asks, appearing from the kitchen with a towelette over her shoulder. 

“I messed up, mum. I really messed it all up.”

“Oh, sweetheart.” Cassandra wraps her in her arms and Caitlyn never feels so beastly, so undeserving of it. 

“I hurt her so badly," she cries.

“Sarah?” Cassandra murmurs, but doesn’t really need her daughter to answer. In this moment there’s nothing to do but hold her tighter. 

She knows the heartbreak of young love; the guilt of making mistakes. But she knows her daughter, too. She did what she thought was the right thing to do. 

Chapter Text

Graduation

Looking back on her relationship with Sarah feels like something she isn’t allowed to do. She created the mess she stews in — does she have the right to miss her ex? 

To miss her warmth, her smile, her conversations, the way her face would light up when she saw a cat in a house window, how she laughed at corny jokes, braided her hair on rainy days, sang off key without a care in the world? 

Caitlyn made the decision to break up, so why does it all feel so miserable? 

*

“I could eat a fucking puma.”

“You can’t even finish a deep dish pizza.”

“Today I could. Man, these exams are killing me.”

Caitlyn can’t focus on Mylo and Claggor, her head still fuzzy. She hasn’t been sleeping well. Striker’s hypothyroidism has been a struggle to manage — the vet still tweaking dosages for his treatment — and her mum has been swamped with work after Ambessa’s thin election victory. 

Though her mum’s position is secure, Caitlyn knows she’s been considering leaving Ambessa’s staff. Caitlyn has watched her pace the living room and listened to her talk about it for weeks now, but felt unsure how to support her. What does she know about politics? About adult decisions? 

She couldn’t even keep one girl’s heart safe. 

“Ambessa may have lost her vision, but I have no doubt she’ll clear a path eventually,” Cassandra recently admitted during a quiet evening at home. “The problem being… I’m not sure I will. And then what? I jump to another politician’s staff, giving up on my own convictions because theirs are the ones I must embody.”

“Why not look into upcoming city or county elections?” Caitlyn suggested. “Something where you’d have a leadership role.”

Her mother stopped fiddling with her wedding band, looked at her for a long time, and then asked if she wanted more pasta. 

Caitlyn isn’t really sure what’s going through her mind these days, but she seems less worried and has thrown herself into work, ensuring the first months of Ambessa’s new term go smoothly. 

The house has been quiet again, which doesn’t help with spiraling thoughts. 

“Could you eat a moose, Moose?” Mylo asks her. “I saw you go crazy on that essay.”

Caitlyn chuckles. “Sure, I’m a little hungry.”

“Jeez, Kirammans don’t play.”

“How about waffles instead?” Claggor suggests, nudging them toward the waffle hut. 

They sit in a booth, wolfing down their food and milkshakes. It’s only 4PM but it feels like nighttime already. In a few months the school year is over, but before that there is a barrage of written tests, oral presentations, and club duties.  

And then in a blink, high school will be left behind. 

“You okay?” Claggor asks her.

She shrugs, knowing she doesn’t look the part. “I think I did all right on the analysis.”

“No, I mean, about…?”

“Oh.” Can she admit it? She did this. She did the hurting. 

Mylo reaches out to take her hand on the table. “We’re here for you, Moose. You know that, right? No matter what.”

“I didn’t deserve her,” she says quietly. 

Mylo glances at Claggor. “Listen… you were good for each other for a bit. Then you weren’t; didn’t fit together anymore. That’s just the way it turns out sometimes. Doesn’t mean that there was a bad guy in the story.”

She smiles at him. “Why are you single again?” 

Mylo huffs. “No one locks me down.”

Claggor chuckles, finishing up his milkshake. “Not even Gert?”

Mylo’s ears go red. “Gert? Who? What are you talking about?”

“You know, your favorite barista. Draws a doodle on your cup every time.”

Caitlyn grins as Mylo gets even more flustered. “That’s Corina’s friend, why would I hang out with her? Would be so awkward if I bumped into Cor’. And she’s not even that- how do you even, when did- oh, shut up.”

*

Caitlyn skips Forensics the first week after the breakup, and the second, but then the treasurer implies she’ll be stripped of group leader duties, so Caitlyn shows up the third week.

Of course she nearly bumps into Sarah when she rounds the corner of the hallway to get to the classroom.

Sarah doesn’t look angry, but there’s a flatness to her expression that makes Caitlyn shrink anyway. 

“Look, this club is important to me,” Sarah tells her. “And I know it’s important to you, so stop skipping for my sake — it doesn’t make me feel any better. I’ve moved to the front, you can stick to your seat, and life goes on.”

Caitlyn nods quickly and isn’t surprised when Sarah walks away without another word. 

They don’t speak for months, until graduation day where they congratulate each other in passing. 

Sarah will go to Zaun U as planned, and, one day, Mylo will mention seeing her on campus, seemingly happy and well-surrounded. 

*

“Give yourself a break,” Mel says on the phone. “The worst thing would’ve been to drag it along.”

Mel’s studies are going so well that she’s on track to graduate early, with honors, though Mel insists she’ll slow down next year. She’s a top candidate for a summer internship in a legislator’s office, not that the news should be spread yet. Mel knows her mother will pull strings if word reaches her that her daughter is interested in a career in politics after all. 

It’s been long enough that Caitlyn knows she made the right decision — that staying with Sarah after accepting her feelings for Vi would’ve been cheating — but the shame still creeps up sometimes. 

“I feel like I used her,” she admits. 

“That’s just the guilt talking, and you can’t trust it. Is that why you started dating her? To use her?”

“No, of course not,” Caitlyn replies, clutching her phone tightly. Striker is snoring by her legs on the couch, his whitened muzzle pressed against her ankle. “I liked her. I really did. It’s just… why couldn’t I- why couldn’t it be…” 

“Enough?”

The word makes her chest tighten and Mel sees it right away. 

“Oh, Cait, both you and Sarah deserve much more than ‘enough,’ and I hope one day you’ll believe it.”

Caitlyn sighs and turns to her side. “I’d rather hear about your fancy end-of-term party…”

“Oh God, I really should skip it.”

“Mel, you can’t! It’s tradition!”

“Really? You’re defending an antiquated ‘gowns and ties’ waste of money?”

Caitlyn chuckles. “Said that way… But still, if you’re serious about a life in politics, this sounds like getting a taste in schmoozing.”

“Ugh, that’s what Jayce said. ‘You could meet the sons and daughters of representatives,’ yadda yadda.”

“Wear your white and gold dress and those sons and daughters will be buzzing all around you.”

Mel flashes her queenly smile. “Fine, I was thinking along those lines if needed...”

*

It’s not exactly odd, but it is unexpected that Powder ends up distracting her more easily than anyone else. 

Powder seems to grow every week now, though she remains shorter than her sister, much to her dismay. Art therapy has been going well, nurturing her artistic skills and deep need to create. 

Caitlyn has found her… less intense than she used to be; sometimes even more guarded with her emotions. Not muted, or like she’s ashamed to express herself, but rather more in control. Her wild swings don’t dictate her days like they might have a year ago, though even then Caitlyn thought it was clear Powder was working hard to be kind to herself.

They still walk Striker together once or twice a week, a routine that Caitlyn will deeply miss after she leaves. 

The acceptance letters came weeks ago, but it was only one she ever dreamed about. 

It's surreal to tell herself she’ll be at uni next year. 

But that’s not the daunting part. 

“Cait?” Powder asks as they leave the park. 

“Hm?”

“I kissed Ekko.”

Well. Honestly, Caitlyn would’ve bet money that it had happened before. 

“Oh.”

Powder shoves her hands in her pockets. It’s not the warmest spring and she’s still wearing her favorite fingerless gloves. “He made me a custom chair. Like, from scratch. Mixed materials, lumbar support, swivel. It took him months.”

“A very Ekko thing to do,” Caitlyn smiles. 

“Yeah, so I kissed him.”

“Did he…?”

“He kissed me back.”

“Do you regret it?” 

Powder shrugs. “No.”

“Okay... Are you just not sure how you feel?”

“I know how I feel.” 

Caitlyn frowns. “Then-”

“He’s my best friend,” Powder says, drawing in a long breath. “If I lose my best friend, I don’t have another one.”

“I see.”

“I mean… that’s why you never told Vi, isn’t it?”

Caitlyn recoils so hard that Striker feels it on the leash, looking toward her. “Excuse me?”

“Woah, that sounded really posh,” Powder laughs. “Excuse me. Excuuuuuse me-”

“Powder, what do you-”

“Well, you had a crush on her, right?” Powder asks, eyes softening. 

Caitlyn can’t believe what she’s hearing. “I did not.”

“Oh, okay, my bad.” Powder hums a little song and then when they stop at a red light, she turns to her again. “Why not?”

“Why not?” Caitlyn repeats, feeling like she’s being questioned now. She’s a criminal sitting in a chair, blinded by a bright light. 

“Yeah, is she not hot enough for you?”

“Wh-what?” Caitlyn stutters. “Why would you even- that isn’t- what?”

“You don’t think she’s a good girlfriend?”

Caitlyn’s heart jumps. “No, that’s not what I—! Of course she’s, she’s… Your sister’s very attractive, and, uh, lovely overall, and I’m sure an excellent girlfriend, but we don’t see each other like that, and-”

“Well, sheesh!” Powder interrupts. “Drummer, ripped, gives awesome hugs, would take a bullet for you; what more do you need?” 

Caitlyn feels a flush on her cheeks, befuddled by Powder’s sudden prodding. “I…”

They hold each other’s stare until Powder bursts out laughing. “Your face! Relax! I’m just messing with ya’!” 

As they turn into another street, Caitlyn wonders if the ground could just swallow her up. Her hand is so clammy the leash is hard to grip. 

“Very funny.”

Powder leans closer so they walk arm-in-arm. “Let’s go to the doughnut cart!” 

While they wait in line, Caitlyn remembers how they even managed to veer so off-topic. “Have you and Ekko talked about it?”

“Oh yeah,” Powder replies like she’s just picking an ice cream flavor. “We’ve totally been dating for years without knowing it. It’s kinda nice how easy it is. Everything else seems… impossible sometimes, but not him.” 

Caitlyn worries once more that time is moving faster than she’d like. Or maybe she’s been so caught up in her own bubble she forgot to look around. 

“I’m happy for you, Powder. You deserve the world.”

Powder grins and looks so much like her sister that Caitlyn wishes she could just snap a quick photo to show them. They’d say she’s crazy of course, but it would be worth it. 

*

“Are you nervous?”

Caitlyn snorts. “Of witnessing your dirty hamper? Yes, terrified.” 

Caitlyn knows what Vi means, but deflecting has been so much easier these days. In three months, she’ll officially be at PIT and sharing a dorm with her best friend (and Lest, quite lovely according to Vi).

Years of talking about it, and then the paperwork was completed, the requests updated, time went by, and there it was, the first email, Congratulations!, and then later on, Your Housing, and then of course coordinating with Vi, filling out more forms, all on the basis of old and new dreams, not daring to hope until the next emails, the updates, the confirmation, and then Vi calling her immediately, the gushing, the planning, and finally…

All at once. 

Much like everything else when it comes to Vi.

The realization. 

She’s going to live with her best friend. 

The best friend she has feelings for. 

Hence, the deflecting.

Vi drums her fingers on her desk. She looks more relaxed these days, satisfied with her own year. Work at the tattoo parlor has been a learning curve, but Vi seems to have spread her wings. Grown more comfortable in her body; with her own aspirations. 

She has a graphic tablet now, where she sketches and refines tattoo designs. She only shows them to Caitlyn and Powder, which feels very special, though both have encouraged her to show them to her boss too. 

“You know, you’re gonna have to pull your weight around here,” Vi says very seriously. “I have a routine now.”

“Oh, does it involve the pot of pomade in your hair?”

“Quarter of a pot, thank you,” Vi corrects. “No, actually, it’s about my breakfast. It’s a very complex operation.”

Caitlyn smiles. “Yes, the protein regime, Powder told me all about it.”

Vi points to her bicep. “You see this? It can’t deflate.”

“All right, gym bro, and when are you coming out with your podcast and your crypto?” 

“Tomorrow, first thing. Are you investing?”

“Of course. What’s it called?”

“Velvet, duh.” Vi cracks her cheeky smile and runs a hand through her hair. It’s hard to believe it’s gotten thicker, longer in the back, somehow messier on top, and only Vi can make it look so effortless, though Caitlyn knows the amount of styling that goes into it. 

“How’s the queen of the Cass-tle doing?” Vi asks. 

“That joke lost steam two years ago.”

“Says the unfunniest person I know.”

Caitlyn holds up her cup of tea with her middle finger sticking out, which makes Vi bark out a laugh. “Subtle.”

“She’s… adjusting. She worked with Ambessa for over a decade, so I think it just feels weird to steer her own ship now. The good news is Shoola just agreed to run her campaign.” 

Her mother resigned from Ambessa’s staff after some careful planning and deliberating, with the intention to run for city councillor. 

But with fifteen months to Election Day, Cassandra knows there isn’t any time to waste before a public launch. Her friend and former colleague, Shoola, brings in a wealth of experience to the table, not to mention her own staff, but there is still so much to do. 

“Well, I’ll be voting for her. First one in line.”

Caitlyn chuckles. “You haven't heard her programme yet.”

“Is it not to ban Black Rose from every local radio?” 

“Ha ha. You don’t even listen to the radio.”

“Right, because they play Black Rose.”

“They’re not that mainstream.”

“Small blessings.”

Caitlyn shakes her head, giving up on the argument. Vi wins most of them anyway. 

“How was that study group thing?” she asks.

Vi gets up and takes her phone to the kitchen, where she props it up against a pot to keep talking. “Sorry, I’m starving. Study was fun. Lest is great at organizing this kinda stuff. You’ll really like her.”

Caitlyn is more worried about Lest liking her, knowing her poor track record with friends before Vi decided to guess her costume years ago. 

Vi rips open her packet of noodles with her teeth and spits out the corner, which lands smack dab in front of the phone’s lens. 

“Lovely, darling,” Caitlyn sighs.

Vi grins. “Gotta love when I draw the Ionian out of you.”

“Is this what living with you is going to be like?”

“What, me winding you up?” Vi asks. 

“No, that’s your regular setting.”

Vi laughs as she turns on the microwave. “Always my number one hype-woman.”

“Does Vander know you microwave noodles?”

“Are you kidding? The man who taught me how to make osso buco and soufflés before I was ten? No, this is between you and me.”

“My lips are sealed.”

Vi leans against the counter, and from this angle Caitlyn can’t help but note her tattoos look incredible over her arms, almost like they contour her muscles.

“I meant nervous about your graduation day, by the way.”

Caitlyn meets her eyes and blinks. Right. They got completely sidetracked. “Oh. No, I’m… It’s exciting. It’s going to be a good day.”

Vi gives her a soft smile. “Yeah, it is.”

*

Graduation is a lot of talking, standing, and sitting. Hours out of the day for seconds on stage grabbing her diploma. In those seconds, she has officially bookended her education at this school. 

She stays with Mylo and Claggor, squeezing them before and after they go on stage. Then they take their photos, speak to their parents, confirm plans for their laser tag meetup tomorrow, but just as Caitlyn sees Powder wave at someone behind her, she knows. 

She turns around and can hardly formulate words.

Vi shouldn’t be here — she still has a week of class, she works, she needs the sleep and any break she can get — but she is, and Caitlyn wonders what kind of magic exists in her smile. It shouldn’t be so devastating. 

“You’re here,” Caitlyn whispers.

“I’m sorry I missed the ceremony,” Vi says. “I got to clock out early but the train still cut it close, then I almost-”

Caitlyn pulls her in and holds her tight. “You’re here,” she repeats, exhaling deeply.

She feels Vi spread her fingers against her back, strong and secure. 

“Couldn’t miss it,” Vi replies. “I need to vet my new roommate.”

Caitlyn pulls back and blows on the tassel hanging from her cap. “Well? Do I pass?”

Vi gives her a once over. “Yeah, not bad. Just need more protein and a couple tattoos to really blend in over there. Don’t worry, I’ll show you the ropes.”

Caitlyn laughs. “An eyepatch and tattoos — I just need my pirate ship next.” 

Vi doesn’t take the bait. “I’m proud of you. You worked your ass off and now you’re here, diploma in hand.”

Caitlyn swallows, taken by the intensity of Vi’s eyes. “Now I’m here,” she agrees. 

Some years ago she was a lost little girl wondering if she would ever find her way. Now she doesn’t entirely know her way, but there are friends by her side striking matches in the dark tunnel, all of them bumbling together to find the light, keeping each other warm and entertained. 

And said friends are also eager to tackle Vi.

Mylo is on her first, arm slinging around her shoulder, and then Claggor wraps them both up in his embrace as Caitlyn grins at the sight of them. 

“So, what’s this about laser tag?” Vi asks.

*

‘This’ is the new building just two blocks from the arcade, a concrete monstrosity the size of a mall parking lot gutted and flipped by investors who cared little to do local surveys. Instead of necessities, they selected a melting pot of activities that seem to have no common theme except to appeal to the youth. 

SHIMMER Co. offer indoor padel, karting, escape rooms, and of course laser tag, where foam walls, structures and obstacles cover an arena-like room washed in neon glows. Claggor gives the slick entrepreneurs two years before they fold under crushing debt, but for now it’s an alternative to the arcade, with its tired cushions and peeling walls. 

“These headbands smell like douche cologne,” Mylo says as they gear up in the changing room. 

It’s a modern space and the equipment still feels new, with its polished benches and shiny lockers. 

“Mine’s got that fresh foam smell,” Vi says as she adjusts her headband. It’s lightweight, with lights around it ready to blink like a Christmas tree. 

Caitlyn tightens the straps of her tactical vest, impressed by the quality of the materials. It looks sturdy but feels like nothing, with the LEDs seamlessly integrated all around. Caitlyn can admit she feels a little cool. She watches Powder help Ekko with his and smiles, noticing Vi eyeing them too.

Vi wasn't surprised when Powder told her the news, and Ekko has always been a part of her family, but it's a different thing to see them so open about it. Her little sister isn't so little anymore. It's not something Vi imagined when her mother placed Powder in her arms at the hospital, tiny and fussy. Back then, it felt like she would stay this vulnerable forever, to be bundled up, soothed and protected from everything in the world. 

But that was then. 

They pick up the blasters outside the arena, briefly meeting up with the other group. Twelve in total will fight for the 'anomaly' at the center of the room, a glowing orb with mysterious properties that will ensure their camp's victory. They enter through a fake airlock, immediately immersed in the futuristic base of Planet Shimmer. 

The ceiling is a sky of twinkling stars and swathes of neon green and dark pink, like auroras. The foam boulders and walls that make up their playground are cratered in places, imitating a moon-like environment. There's a smoky haze in some spots, with fog pumped through vents. Glow-in-the-dark graffiti covers some walls, calling to fight, to revolt, giving the feeling of a rebellion underway. The electronic music isn't loud enough to be distracting, but it sets the mood with an eerie, thumping vibe and added sound effects. 

“Can we just shoot shit already?” Mylo mumbles while the employee prattles on about the storyline, laying out safety rules at the same time. 

“Teams, good luck!” the cheerful girl says before exiting the airlock. 

For all his bravado, Mylo is the first to yell 'Oh, fuck!' once their opponents start running to their base on the other side of the map. 

A countdown starts soon after, with little time to prepare. 

 “Powder and Ekko, you take the left corridor,” Vi quickly suggests. 

“I want to go center, straight to the anomaly,” Mylo says. “That meathead captain won’t know what’s gonna hit him.”

“I’ll cover,” Claggor jumps in. 

“Cait, we take the right?” Vi asks. “Go for their base flag?”

Caitlyn nods just as the countdown stops and a robotic voice rings out: “Star bases, the enemy approaches. Protect the anomaly at all costs.”

They scatter into the maze, blasters activated and aimed. 

Caitlyn follows Vi into a pipe twice their height but narrow, where their shoulders knock against the well-padded walls. Her heart starts to beat faster, but it’s a thrilling feeling. 

Vi looks back with a grin. “This might be better than Double Trouble,” she says. 

“Eyes on the road, soldier,” Caitlyn smirks. 

“Oh, sorry, Sheriff, didn’t know you were the lead today.”

PEW PEW PEW.

Their heads snap toward the sound on the far left. 

“Shit!” Vi exclaims, starting to crouch. 

“Do you see anyone?” Caitlyn asks, finger resting near the trigger of her blaster. 

“Not yet,” Vi says.

They sneak down a long corridor, until Vi kneels at the end of it, looking left and right toward every boulder. 

Just as Vi looks one way, Caitlyn spots a girl rounding a corner and aiming straight at Vi. Caitlyn jumps up and shoots at the girl until her vest blinks red. The girl curses loudly, her gear in time-out. 

Vi barely understands what’s just happened, losing her balance and falling on her ass. 

“Did you skip leg day?” Caitlyn teases as she extends her hand. 

Vi grabs her hand and pulls herself up. “Never. You knocked into me.”

“Oh, sure.”

They continue ahead, zigzagging around boulders, ambushing another guy and taking him out. The pews start to get closer and closer, their friends battling their own opponents. 

“Look!” Caitlyn says, pointing to the enemy’s flag just twenty feet away. Their base looks empty, but just as they make a run for it, the enemy’s captain appears from behind a wall. 

“Get down!” Vi yells at Caitlyn before throwing herself in her direction, back turned to their enemy. She presses Caitlyn into a space between two boulders, shielding her from view. 

PEW PEW. Vi’s armor blinks red. The boy advances toward them faster, aiming for Caitlyn now.

PEW PEW. Ekko takes him out from behind, the glowing orb of the anomaly secure in his side pouch. 

“Fuck!” the boy grunts as his vest blinks red, his blaster disabled. 

“You owe me lunch, Sticks!” Ekko yells at Vi, laughing as he disappears into a giant pipe.

Vi sighs, but all Caitlyn can think is how close she is. 

Pressing her against the foam boulder, in the nook, hidden from the world — at least that’s what it feels like now that both Ekko and the other kid have left. 

Vi’s face is washed in neon blue and the faint reflection of twinkling stars, but it’s too dark to see her freckles and surely that should be a crime. Her damp hair sticks out over her headband, her brow is knitted in annoyance, and she looks… 

Something about her sweaty, frustrated expression makes Caitlyn ache. 

“I think you have to wait in the respawn box,” she murmurs. 

“I know,” Vi replies, but makes no move. 

Caitlyn swallows. “Thank you for saving me.”

“No problem. You saved me first.”

“Well, it was easy for me: the girl didn’t see me. But you took a time-out.”

“You’re worth the sacrifice,” Vi says with a soft smile. 

Caitlyn doesn’t know what Vi’s doing. Friends don’t talk like this in tight spaces, their bodies almost touching. She knows that. Or have they always spoken like this and… and it just feels different now? Now that they’re entering adulthood; now that words and actions carry more weight? 

“Vi…”

Vi’s smile falls. 

“I missed you,” she whispers.

“I’m right here.”

“I mean… this. Us.”

“I think I’d remember having you pressed up against a wall before,” Vi says with such a cocky little tilt of her chin that Caitlyn could almost interpret it as flirting. 

But it's not. It can't be.

She feels a blush on her cheeks that she’s grateful Vi won’t notice. Just like that they revert to what they know: the playful teasing, the banter, and everything else that hides the truth. 

“How do you ever get laid with lines like that?”

“I don’t,” Vi grumps. “It’s a huge concern.”

Caitlyn points her gun against Vi’s blinking red armor and pushes her away. “You’ve got a box waiting for you, Violet.”

Vi wraps her hand around the gun and pulls Caitlyn in. Caitlyn lets out a gasp just as Vi smirks. “That sounded a bit kinky, Kiramman,” she says before letting out a laugh and walking away. 

Caitlyn huffs, hardly fighting a smile. “Brat.”

*

“Here we are again,” Vi says on the phone. 

It’s a gorgeous summer day, with the sun beating down on the entire city since early morning. 

“You don’t have to send me off every year, you know,” Caitlyn replies as she stands on the sidewalk next to her bulky suitcase. 

“That’s like telling Santa he doesn’t have to drop in every Christmas.”

Cassandra comes out of the house with her giant purse and suitcase, though this time she won’t stay in Ionia quite as long as Caitlyn. Upon her return, she’ll be publicly announcing that she’s running for city councillor. 

“You know, I can actually take you with me in the taxi this time,” Caitlyn points out. 

“Cute, but I need to get to work,” Vi sighs. 

“Is the leg tattoo guy coming in today?”

“Yup, six hour session for Jules. Gonna be one for the books.”

“Caitlyn?” her mother calls out gently. 

Caitlyn glances at the taxi and back at her phone. “I have to go.”

“Okay. Travel safe. Try not to get taller again.”

“I think I’ve settled, Vi.”

“Hm. I haven’t. I’ll catch up to you.”

“We’ll see.”

“Send me pictures? I mean, if you can. Want to.”

“Of course. Beth misses you.”

Vi chuckles. “Beth the sheep. My best girl.”

“One day you’ll meet her,” Caitlyn promises.

“I’d love that.”

“I’ll see you soon.”

“I’ll hold you to it.”

Chapter Text

18

Vi helps her unpack, reveals her favorite nooks and crannies outside their dorm, and introduces her to Lest as soon as she arrives, fresh off a three-hour drive. 

Lest is a communication major, though her love is high fashion and design. Her eyes are the most intimidating amber shade, but beneath her curious stare there’s obvious warmth. 

Anytime she speaks, the room seems to go quiet. Ears perk up and bodies draw closer. Lest has a treasure trove of stories to tell, and Caitlyn wouldn’t be surprised if one day she spotted her name on the cover of a book. 

But Lest keeps busy too, interning for a late night radio show, and Caitlyn finds herself alone with Vi in their shared three-bedroom dorm more often than she expected.

Which was already a fair amount, but this is… domestic. New. Talking about napkins, detergent, the shower squeegee; sharing cutlery, appliances, subscriptions. 

It’s mundane, so why does her spine tingle whenever Vi offhandedly mentions buying her favorite cereal? Why does seeing Vi’s shampoo make her feel so stupid happy? Why does hearing the front door beep from the key card make her heart jump?

Still.

Always. 

*

“Hey, Gumshoe.”

“Mylo. Oh, my god.”

“Don’t say anything.”

Caitlyn clamps her mouth shut, blinking rapidly at the phone. At Mylo’s grumpy face. The way he runs his fingers through his hair — what’s left of it anyway. 

“It looks good!” Caitlyn assures him. Once the shock has ebbed, she does appreciate how it highlights his features. The wild, thick hair could sometimes be a distraction. 

“Stop, I look like a mole rat.”

“You have way nicer teeth.”

He shrugs, self-conscious. “Vi is gonna have a field day with this. Tell her I’m going no-contact for a month.”

Caitlyn shakes her head. “I think you look handsome. It’s different, but you pull off just about anything.”

He smiles at a shared memory of a Halloween costume. “Not purple highlights, huh?”

“Definitely not.”

That seems to lift his mood. He runs his hand over his buzz cut again. “I kinda feel like Ripley.”

“Next costume?”

“Depends… Would you be my Jonesy?”

Caitlyn laughs. “Shut up.”

“What? You can pull off ginger. Oh, you wanna be the Queen, that it?”

“I’d rather be an egg.”

“Figures,” he chuckles. “Can you shave your head so I don’t feel so bad?”

“Bald with an eyepatch — do you want me to get bullied?”

“Hm, no, forget it, that’s my job only.”

She smiles at him, settling more comfortably into the well-worn armchair in the living room. There’s a potted plant by the window that they’ve all promised to keep alive, at least this semester. 

“Tell me about campus.”

*

The course schedule is an adjustment, but it’s exciting to be surrounded by people with the same passions. Daunting, too. This isn’t like a small club that meets once weekly, with two people yawning in the corner because their parents forced them to sign up. 

These are her peers. These are the people she’ll partner with and compete with in the job market. Might be her future colleagues. 

There’s just… this feeling it’s not quite right. That being in a lab to find answers doesn’t motivate her the way it should. But most people just find a job they’re good at, don’t they? It can’t always be about inner-flame or whatever self-help books sell these days. 

“I know exactly what you’re thinking,” Claggor says.

They met up near the campus square after their respective classes, lucky enough to have somewhat matching schedules despite wildly different majors. 

Claggor going through the same whiplash has helped them find solace in each other. It’s different for Vi, though she still remembers the feeling. She’s settled in now, in the rhythm of her new routine, her independence, with high school feeling like a lifetime ago already. 

“That I don’t know anything about anything and one day this place will figure out I’m an imposter?”

He chuckles in his usual low, soothing tone. “Yeah, that’s about right. Add a splash of misfit in there.” 

“Chemistry was fine, but Intro? I thought years of club were going to make me feel like less of a fraud.”

“My Intro was so hard to follow I thought I was in the wrong class,” Claggor agrees. “Everyone looks so old. Do I look that old?”

She squeezes his shoulder. “You look like Claggor.” 

“Should I grow a beard?” he asks.

“Do you want a beard?”

He rubs his cheek. “Not really.”

Caitlyn stops short when they nearly bump into a very distracted person, who looks up from his book with a blink. 

It’s him. 

Older, taller, but Caitlyn recognizes that face. 

His bright green eyes widen and a small smile curves up. He looks stronger now, not the sickly boy she remembers.

“Steb,” she breathes out, “you’re…”

“Still alive, yes,” he nods. “On a cocktail of pills for the rest of my life, but the treatment worked.”

She would grab him and hold on tight if she didn’t remember physical touch bothered him so much. Instead she smiles wide, overjoyed for him. “That… is the best news I’ve heard in a very long time.”

He seems grateful she has kept her excitement verbal, and it’s delightful to see rosiness color his cheeks, once so pale and sometimes blue. 

“Oh!” Caitlyn exclaims when Claggor shifts on his feet. “Sorry, Steb this is Claggor, one of my best friends.” She turns to Claggor, explaining, “Steb and I briefly shared classes years ago.”

The oddest thing happens then. 

Steb looks at Claggor and gives him the kindest smile. 

And Claggor gets flustered. His mouth parts open but no words come out, until finally he stutters, “Hey there, nice to meet you.” 

“Likewise,” Steb replies. “Caitlyn, I’m sorry that I never… It took me a long time to realize I didn’t have to cut people out of my life so abruptly.”

“That’s all right,” Caitlyn softens. “You had a lot on your plate.”

“That was my excuse for a long time, yes. Preserving relationships in the past so the present would never ruin them…” Steb clears his throat, unsure of himself but pushing through: “It would be nice if we could… be friends again.”

“I would love that,” Caitlyn replies, fighting the urge to grin like a kid. Suppose the thirteen-year-old in her jumps around a little bit, excited to see Steb again, the boy who’d share meals when no one else would. 

“Why PIT?” she asks. 

“Begrudgingly, I am human,” he says with a small shrug. “Nostalgia gripped me two years ago and I could never shake away the feeling. I wanted to experience the region I grew up in as a healthy person. And it doesn’t hurt that PIT offers a robust Wildlife Biology degree.”

“I believe that’s the most you’ve ever said to me,” Caitlyn teases.

Steb chuckles. “Untrue. I distinctly remember telling you about oilbirds for a good hour.” He rubs his arm, sheepish. “I hope I have better social skills now.”

“I thought you were delightful,” she assures him. “Who else could’ve told me they use echolocation and gorge on palm fruits?”

“I would love to get together if you’re interested,” he proposes with some nerves, and then catches himself, “I don’t mean in any romantic– not that you aren’t attractive, I’m just not-”

“I understood your meaning,” she reassures him quickly. “And I’d love that.”

He lets out a sharp exhale as he meets Claggor’s eyes, embarrassed by his rambling. “What five years of only being around tutors, doctors and nurses will do.”

Of course Claggor offers his sweetest smile, enough to reassure him. 

Caitlyn glances at her watch. “How about a drink now? I know a quiet place and I’m so behind on my ornithology.”

Steb brightens immediately. 

“Clagg, do you want to come?” Caitlyn asks her friend, watching his body language keenly. 

“Sure,” Claggor replies, eyes shifting to Steb, who looks equally intrigued by him. 

*

“I’m a matchmaker.”

“You nudged a match.” 

“I made it, Vi.” 

Vi laughs. “Fine, I give up. You should create an app.”

Caitlyn stops stirring her food. “I’ll call it SNIPE. It’ll be a deconstruction of the swiping system.”

Vi doesn’t look impressed. “I think I’ll pass on investing, no offense.”

Caitlyn turns around, watching Vi throw a foam ball against the wall back-and-forth, sitting sideways in the chair with her legs over the cushy arm. 

“Offense taken. You can watch me succeed from the sidelines.”

“Shit,” Vi sniffs, “you just SNIPED my feelings.”

“Shut up.” Caitlyn can’t help but smile. “Work on that aim.” 

“Oh, baby, I always hit the bullseye.” Vi hears herself and smirks. “In every way.”

“Really?” Caitlyn drawls slowly. “Is that why you’re here at home on a Friday night? You’re such a hotshot?”

Vi catches the ball on the bounce back. “Uh, yeah, my best friend might burn the place down with her stir frying. I got a little worried.”

Caitlyn focuses on her wok again, shaking her head. “Right.” 

She feels the ball hit her butt and jolts around. “Did you just-”

“See? Perfect aim,” Vi laughs. 

Caitlyn picks up the tiny foam ball. “I ought to make you eat this.”

Vi gets up and walks toward her, stopping much closer than Caitlyn expected. Which goes to prove Vi has been defying all her expectations lately.

The result being a deep flush on Caitlyn’s cheeks.

Vi takes the ball from her hand and smiles. And Caitlyn would swear… swear that she looks at her lips again before she says, “Thanks, Moose.”

Caitlyn feels her brain scramble and her heartbeat pick up. Despite the nickname, the one she’s now associated with their platonic bond, Vi’s intensity is… nothing of the sort.  

She’s close. She doesn’t waver. And the nickname doesn’t hurt anymore. It feels like it solidifies their closeness. Their intimacy. How much they know each other.

The sudden shift makes Caitlyn dizzy. Wanting. 

Vi is testing boundaries. Laying it on thick, one might even say. But why? What’s changed? Is she bored out of her mind? Is this just how she is here? Or does she actually-

Something in the wok sizzles and then pops. 

Vi looks over Caitlyn’s shoulder. “Your food’s gonna burn.”

Caitlyn turns around and exhales slowly. Some reprieve. “It’s fine.”

She hears Vi hum in agreement as she heads back to her seat. Everything is fine. 

*

She’s reading on her bed, back propped against her pillow, when Vi comes home after class. Caitlyn can almost see the dark cloud hanging over Vi’s head when she appears in her doorway with her shoulders hunched. 

“What’s wrong?” Caitlyn asks, every cell in her body on high alert.  

“Mylo’s joined another band,” Vi reveals with a crack in her voice.

It’s both a shock and not, which Caitlyn knows is exactly how Vi would feel. They’ve circled around this reality for months, no one ever brave enough to just say the words. 

“Oh.”

“It’s not like Velvet was gonna last forever, but… I didn’t think it would end like this. Just fizzle like an old can of coke.”

Caitlyn pats the space next to her, and Vi hesitates before she toes off her shoes and joins her on the tiny bed, lying next to her. They share a pillow but for once it doesn’t feel so scary to be this close again. It feels like the old days. 

“How did you imagine it?” Caitlyn murmurs.

“I don’t know… We’d have one last show knowing it was the last. We’d give away all the crappy merch I’ve made over the years that’s sitting in dusty boxes. We’d have pizza before and baked goods after. I’d finally manage to drag you on stage.”

Caityn chuckles. “Now that’s definitely you dreaming.”

Vi smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “I guess I never thought about it much, because I never wanted it to end.”

Caitlyn reaches out to caress the apple of Vi’s cheek. Vi takes her hand and squeezes it. “You and I… We’re good, right?”

There is so much more unsaid, but Caitlyn knows now isn’t the time. It feels like ‘now’ is never the time.

“We’re not an old soda can, Vi. I won’t let us fizzle.”

“Let us, hm? You make the rules in this relationship?”

“Why, Violet, you’ve finally caught on. Only took you a few years.”

Vi rolls her eyes. “In your dreams. You and I both know you’d follow me into any dank garage if I asked.”  

“That may be true.”

“I’m so relieved we get to talk like this again,” Vi admits quietly. “I love the parlor, the people there, and I’m happy. It just… wasn’t the same, you know? Talking on the phone.”

“I know.”

Caitlyn swallows, troubled by Vi’s honesty. She thanks her lucky stars that Lest comes home, closing the front door with a frustrated mutter of, “Goddamn, that was a day.”

Vi pulls back then, gets up and stretches her arms. Caitlyn can’t see her face, but Vi yawns too loudly and it doesn’t sound genuine. 

“Gonna shower and hit the hay,” she says. “Early class tomorrow. G'night.” 

“Goodnight, Vi.”

*

“How’s Striker?” 

Her mother doesn’t outright grimace, but there is a hollowness in her smile. Something forced and unsure. 

“He’s been resisting taking the medication.”

Caitlyn feels her stomach drop. “Did you try the treat trick?”

“Every trick in the book, but… the smell alone makes him bolt.”

“I’ll come over sooner,” Caitlyn replies. “I’ll find the time and-”

“Caitlyn,” her mother interrupts kindly, “you have to focus on your studies.”

“This is more important.”

“He’s not going anywhere,” her mother reminds her, but Caitlyn can’t help but hear the ‘not yet’ implied. “Of course I would be happy to see you anytime, as would he, but I’m afraid you’d feel restless.”

Caitlyn knows what she means. Her mother is deep in her campaign and Striker mostly sleeps these days. He valiantly tries to pant after a ball if one tosses it at him, but he is also content resting his muzzle on a lap or pillow and snoring. 

Tears start to sting as Caitlyn feels fresh guilt. “He must be so confused why his household’s gone so quiet.”

“Powder and Ekko often walk him, not to mention spoil him,” Cassandra reassures her with a smile. 

Caitlyn wipes her eye. “And how have you been?”

“All over the place. I forgot how intense campaign season gets. It’s different when it’s your face and your words plastered all over town.”

“The silver fox,” Caitlyn quotes.

Cassandra actually grunts. “That horrid nickname. Always stripped down to our looks, aren’t we?” 

“That is the world we live in,” Caitlyn chuckles. “Who cares about infrastructure and tenant protection if you aren’t terribly sexy?” 

“Oh, Caitlyn, stop, it’s embarrassing enough as it is.”

Caitlyn smiles. “All right.”

Cassandra pauses, trying to read her daughter. “How’s Vi?”

“Good. Happy with her choices, I think. She’s been making settling in so easy. Not that living without you is easy, but-”

Cassandra waves her off. “Darling, it’s fine. I’m relieved the transition hasn’t been too brutal.”

“It’s just classes that haven’t… I don’t know. I thought I’d slot right in, but…”

“Well... you’re not a puzzle piece. It’s normal to feel your way through these things. And if you wind up on a different path, I’ll be supporting you every step of the way.” 

“Hm.” 

Her mother offers a kind smile before they wrap up their call, the first in a series of many. Caitlyn misses her; misses being in the same room and misses her embrace, but their closeness hasn’t changed. It’s a relief, at least. 

But it is different. 

*

Caitlyn has never seen Steb like this. Laughing so hard his cheeks turn a lovely red hue. His eyes sparkle with delight. Her memory of the sweet but sickly boy is just that now, and how wonderful that is. 

She’d wondered about him of course. Hoped that wherever he was, his health was rebounding and the birds around him were singing their little lungs out. 

And now here he is, knocking down bowling pins with surgical precision and chugging mocktails like they’re the nectar of the gods. Here he is flirting with Claggor and enjoying every goofy smile and cheesy joke that Claggor fires right back. 

They look good together. 

And Caitlyn feels very smug about it all. 

“SNIPE’s first match,” Vi laughs as she bumps her hips against hers. “All right, I’ll give it to you. Good work.”

“Change the name,” Lest says behind them, sipping on her own drink. The bowling alley is busy tonight, washed in bright purples and blues, the music matching the cheerful chaos. “It sounds like an FPS game.”

Vi picks up a ball like it weighs nothing at all. “I think that’s the point, gorgeous.”

Lest smirks. “Love’s a game?” 

“Love’s about taking the shot.”

“Ehh, it’s still a bit aggressive to my tastes.”

“Point made,” Caitlyn says. “I’ll workshop it.”

“Besides, Vi, I haven’t seen you take a lot of shots these days,” Lest teases. 

Vi rolls her shoulder. “I’m working on it.”

“Ah, so love is work?”

Caitlyn notices how Lest looks at Vi like they’ve got their own language; their own subtext going on. Lest is pushing and Vi is growing antsy, glancing at Caitlyn for what Caitlyn assumes is a little help. 

“Yeah, a good kind of work,” Vi replies coolly. “Where you have the same goals and put in the same effort to achieve them. Where you’re on the same team, even when the work sucks.”

Sometimes it still throws Caitlyn off balance to hear Vi talk like this. She could listen to her go on about her views of the world, of relationships, all day long. 

But there is that whisper deep down that says… Maybe that could be me. Could be us. I would put in the work to have the privilege of living a life by your side. It would be worth everything.

She has to quiet it down again. Has to quickly sip on her drink and ready herself for her turn. 

She does have a life with Vi in it, and that in itself is also beautiful. 

*

They’re on the beach, close enough to the water they can hear the chorus of the crashing waves, but still on dry sand. There’s a local party with a bonfire and some music playing through tired speakers, a normal occurrence on a Friday night. 

Lest has left to work, on duty for the late night shift, and that leaves four of them strolling on the beach as the sun dips beneath the horizon. There are uni students skinny-dipping while laughing their heads off, enjoying the warm breeze on their skin. Soon the cold will sweep in and these days will be long gone.

Caitlyn would freeze this moment if she could. A sudden rush of boldness courses through her and she glances at Vi, whose profile in the low-light is something out of movies. 

They’re walking so close that if she just… shifted to the side their hands could graze each other. Just knuckles brushing, skin against skin for a beautiful second, and she could jolt and pretend it was an accident. 

“Is Intro getting any better, Cait?” Steb asks.

Caitlyn shrugs. “It’s fine. I just wish I was more… passionate about it. Like you and Orno.”

“Not a lab person?”

“No, I… I could be a lab person. I enjoy analysis.”

“But it’s not the dream job,” Claggor chimes in. 

Caitlyn shrugs. “The dream job is stupid.” 

“Why’s that?” Vi asks. 

Caitlyn doesn’t really like how the topic’s shifted to her. To the future that confuses her so deeply. 

“Maybe not stupid, but unrealistic.”

“So no one does this job?” Vi probes. 

“Some people do it.”

“Some people do it but you couldn’t?” 

“Well… yes.”

“Why not?” Vi insists. “They’re smarter than you? They work harder than you?”

“It’s just unlikely to happen,” Caitlyn replies coldly, feeling self-conscious. She didn’t think this evening would turn into an inquisition. “Like when kids say they’ll be a vet.”

“Some kids become vets,” Claggor points out gently. 

“You know what I mean.”

“No, we don’t,” Vi says. “Enlighten us.”

“I mean it’s— it’s ridiculous. The one-eyed private eye. It’s a joke! I sound like a Lemony Snicket villain. Who would ever take me seriously?”

There’s a heavy silence before Steb chirps in: “Oh, I actually know a private investigator! My mother hired him to find her estranged brother. Efficient man. We certainly didn’t think twice about what he might look like.”

“It’s not just that, it’s about building relationships and I’m, I’m not… good at that.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” Vi replies, motioning around. “Got three people right here wanting to spend time with you. Even more at home.”

Sometimes Vi gets under her skin and Caitlyn feels completely off balance. Her instinct is to protect herself, and that means shutting Vi out with a terse, “You don’t get it.”

And Vi grows sullen, either hurt by the accusation or pissed off. Maybe both. 

“Hey, look, a crepe truck,” Claggor points out awkwardly. “Let’s go get some.”

*

It’s quiet on their way to the dorm and even quieter when they walk in. Vi heads to the kitchen and Caitlyn closes the bedroom door behind her. 

Tears immediately well up. She doesn’t even know why. They didn’t fight or anything. Had a minor disagreement at best. It wasn’t the first and won’t be the last.

But God, Vi can… can irritate her so deeply sometimes. Prod at her insecurities with that well-meaning tone of hers like that’ll solve everything. 

Caitlyn changes into her pajama pants and her t-shirt, brushes her teeth until her cheeks sting from the foam, all the while listening to Vi shuffle around her own room and back to the kitchen. Listening to punk rock so loud Caitlyn can hear the guitar even though Vi’s wearing headphones. 

Caitlyn couldn’t even say why she cares. Why she marches into their shared space and crosses her arms beneath her chest like she’s a concerned mum. 

“You’re going to bust your eardrums.”

She watches Vi wash her mug in the tiny sink, and she’s nothing if not thorough.

“Vi!”

The need to poke, to vent, to have the last word gnaws at Caitlyn. 

Vi finally turns, perhaps realizing she did hear a voice. She takes off her headphones and there’s a ‘huh?’ written all over her face, accentuated by that infuriating arched brow of hers. 

“If I can hear your music, don’t you think it’s a matter of time until blood comes out of your ears?”

Vi doesn’t look too concerned. “You got something to say, come out and say it.”

“I just did.”

Vi scoffs, drying off the mug. “Right. That’s why you got that passive aggressive stance going on.” 

Caitlyn shifts on her feet, taken aback. “I am not… passive aggressive.” 

Vi shrugs, which just irks Caitlyn more. “You started it. We were having a nice evening and you just had to- to-”

“To what?” Vi asks. “Encourage my best friend? Try to understand what’s going on in that stubborn head?”

Caitlyn doesn’t know what to reply, withdrawing into herself. 

Vi pinches the bridge of her nose. “Fucking hell, Cait, you’re the smartest girl I know but you’re gonna give up on your dream job because you look a certain way?”

“It’s not a ‘certain way,’ Vi,” Caitlyn replies tensely. “It’s the first thing people see. It’s what defines me in their minds right away, consciously or not.”

“Okay,” Vi acquiesces. “So what are you gonna do? Sit in a lab? Stare at fibers and fingerprints all day?”

“There’s merit in that.”

“Sure, if that’s what you want. But you don’t.”

“You know better?”

Vi leans back against the counter. “Maybe.”

Caitlyn would laugh if she weren’t so stunned by Vi’s nerve. “You know me better than I do?”

“Right now?” Vi challenges, eyes sweeping down her frame. “Yeah.”

Caitlyn feels rancor like nothing else. “I’m going to bed.”

“Sure, whatever. Let’s hide from this too.”

Caitlyn stops. “Now who's beating around the bush?”

Vi grinds her jaw, unable to contain her own surging emotion. “You want things so bad but you don’t go for them. You’re scared, and that’s fine, but not if it’s going to make you this bitter about it.”

“You couldn’t tell your own girlfriend she’s treating you like garbage, but you have feelings about my indecision?” Caitlyn snaps. 

Vi’s nostrils flare. “That’s a low blow and not the point.”

“The point is you’re a hypocrite! I just got here and you’re acting like being unsure of my choices is a sin. You’re a sophomore, Vi, not my seasoned councilor!”

“Yeah, let it out. About time.”

“You don't get to dictate the rhythm of my life,” Caitlyn replies sharply. “I'm done with this.”

“What, you can’t hang up on me now and that pisses you off?” Vi calls out. 

Caitlyn spins around, heart hammering in her chest. “That was my fault, too, then?”

“Why can’t you fucking go for this?” 

“Because it’s going to change everything!” Caitlyn cracks.

Vi frowns, confused. “Change is a bad thing?”

“Yes! If it tears everything apart! If it breaks us!”

It feels like the air is sucked out of the apartment. 

“I mean if it breaks me.”

Vi steps back, eyes wide. “You said us.”

“It was a mistake,” Caitlyn says, voice panicked. 

“No, no it wasn’t,” Vi swallows. “We don’t talk about it and that’s the problem.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“There’s nothing, Cait?” Vi repeats. “Just bury this too, huh?”

“I can’t live with you if you’re going to be like this,” Caitlyn says, voice breaking. 

Pain flashes on Vi’s face. “What happened to us? We used to talk about everything.”

“You happened!” Caitlyn exclaims, exhausted. 

Vi recoils. “Me?” she murmurs. 

Caitlyn knows she can’t deny Vi an answer. “I wanted something badly once, so I asked for it, and you gave it to me.”

Vi steps closer. “Cait-”

Caitlyn wraps her arms around her own waist, protecting herself. It stops Vi in her tracks. “It changed everything and that was the worst mistake of my life. It made me miserable for so long, and it was all my own doing.”

Vi’s face falls. “What are you saying?” 

“I’m saying don’t judge me for being hesitant to want. I have wanted and chased so many things… only to have my dreams blow up in my face.”

Vi holds her gaze. “I was a dream?” 

Caitlyn loses her words. Her train of thought. “You don’t understand. I’d give anything for us to be like before.”

“Before what?” Vi asks. “Before you asked me to kiss you?”

Caitlyn nods mutely and Vi approaches more confidently now. 

“Did you want me? After that?”

It is so futile to deny it anymore. Caitlyn can't believe how the evening has turned. How fast secrets can be unearthed.

“You had Corina. You were so happy, and I wanted that for you too. Why would I ever tell you?” 

Vi nods in understanding. “And now?”

Caitlyn meets her eyes and knows she can't say the whole truth: “Now I know it would’ve broken the most precious part of my life.”

“So if I kissed you again, it would break us?”

Caitlyn can’t believe what she's hearing. Feels the breath get knocked out of her. “Vi-”

“Answer me. We have to push through this, Cait. Please.” 

“I don’t- I don’t think about those things anymore,” Caitlyn stammers. 

“I do,” Vi says, her voice strong and steady. 

Caitlyn frowns, because surely this isn't... “You want to kiss me?”

“Yes.”

Caitlyn’s eye widens. “Vi-”

Vi steps even closer but doesn’t touch her. “I don’t want to let this hang between us anymore. I can’t do it.” 

“You didn’t listen to a word I said,” Caitlyn breathes out.

“I did, I just disagree.”

“You disagree?” Caitlyn repeats. 

“I don’t see loving you at the wrong time as a mistake.”

The words trigger the most confusing mix of hope and anger. Years of believing she'd never hear it, and just like that Vi says it?

“You’re lying.”

“Really? I’d lie to you about this?”

Caitlyn shakes her head over and over again. “You’re not attracted to me. I’m your best friend. I’m Moose-”

“Yeah, you are. You’re all those things. You’re my best friend and you’re that silly nickname and you’re also in my head every morning and every night. It’s not one or the other.”

It can’t be true. It can’t be. “Since when?”

Vi thinks back on it with a smile. If she looked beautiful in the sunset's orange glow, she looks otherworldly now, with her eyes the most vulnerable Caitlyn has ever seen them. Sometimes she wonders if Vi didn't spring from one of her fantasy books, long ago. 

“Since you came to the Battle. Since I looked into the crowd and saw you yelling at the top of your lungs.” 

Caitlyn could never forget that night. That moment. “I... I don't know what to say." 

“That’s all right. I thought I was being stupid too. I tried to shake it off. Shake you off.”

“Did you?”

Vi lifts her shoulders. “Never been good at shutting my heart out.” 

She feels Vi take her hands, brushing her thumbs over them. “Cait, I get... upset because you're so- you're so fucking amazing, and it kills me that you don't see it. It kills me you think you have to settle, when you don't.” 

“What are you saying now?” Caitlyn dares to ask, voice barely above a whisper. 

“I'm saying if you want this... us... you should know that I want that, too.”

“And if it doesn’t work out?” Caitlyn asks, mind spinning now. So many nights spent wondering, hoping, and now she can't help but let doubt spread. 

“Why wouldn’t it?”

“Vi, we just yelled at each other over- over my career options!”

Vi lets out a laugh of surprise. “So what? We’ve got wrinkles to iron out, plenty of time for that.”

“And if this relationship implodes and we can’t fix it? If we break up?”

“Why would we break up?” Vi frowns. “Seriously.”

“I don’t know now, but couples break up all the time," Caitlyn replies, thinking of all outcomes. What it would do to them. “Life gets in the way. Love isn’t always enough, remember?”

“That was different.”

Caitlyn looks down at their hands. “I’ll answer for you: losing my girlfriend would be miserable, but my best friend on top of it, losing the girl who saved me? I can’t even begin to imagine climbing out of that hole. Can you?”

Vi seems to acknowledge it, her face falling. “No. It would tear me apart.”

Caitlyn steps back, letting go of her. “Then we can’t do this.”

“What do you suggest, then?”

“We accept that we… had feelings… but that our friendship is more important.” 

Vi stares at her in disbelief. “So when you go on a date I just stand by smiling? I go on a date and you tell me I look good in my jacket, good luck, see you tomorrow?”

“It wouldn’t be the first time.”

Vi thinks on it before shaking her head. “I’m not doing that.”

“Then we don’t have to talk about those things.”

Vi scoffs. “So much for my best friend.”

“This isn’t easy for me either." Caitlyn replies, wondering if this is the night that changes them forever. If this is what breaks them, cruelly. 

Vi looks out the window and then turns around. “No.”

“No?”

“I’m going to prove you wrong. Fuck, just admitting it makes me euphoric,” Vi exhales deeply. “Look. Right now, right here, tell me to back off. I’m being a pushy, entitled asshole and you don’t want to be a part of this.”

“I would never call you an asshole.”

“A jerk.”

“Don’t do that," Caitlyn sighs.

“Don’t be charming?” 

“No. I m-mean yes. Shit.”

Vi smiles at her. “Let me show you, okay?”

“Show me what? That you’re so irresistible? Trust me, I don’t need a trial.”

“I’m scared too, Cait,” Vi admits quietly. “But I think that’s what makes this worth it.”

“This isn’t fair. You’re positioning yourself to be rejected. To make me the one who has to hurt you. I don’t want to do that.”

“Rejected? Oh, you haven’t seen my moves.”

“I’m trying to be serious.”

“Me too. It’s fall. Fall is the best season to flirt with a Kiramman.”

“Oh, a Kiramman, like you tried your luck on another one?”

“Striker, obviously. Worked like a charm. Got so many kisses and cuddles.”

“Vi.”

“Cait.”

“I don’t want to break your heart. This isn’t funny.”

Vi takes her hand again and Caitlyn feels her heart thud. They’ve held hands hundreds of times. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s not any different, is it?

“You won’t,” Vi assures her. “Not over this. Tell me to stop and I’ll stop. Yeah, it’ll hurt, but I’m a big girl. I’ll follow your lead and… move on. You draw that line and I’ll never cross it again. I promise you. Just say… Vi, don’t do this. You’re my best friend and that’s all we should be.”

“Terrible accent.”

“Made you smile,” Vi points out proudly. 

Caitlyn feels that same doubt spread like ink on wet paper. Just tell her to stop. Just end this now. That’s all she has to do. She knows Vi will keep her word. She knows they can survive this.

They have to.

But she is undeniably curious too…

What being pursued by Vi looks like.

“Well?” Vi murmurs. 

“Well…”

It’s playing with fire. She’s not an idiot. Vi doesn’t have to do much. She could probably kiss her right then and make her sway.

But.

Life happens. 

It doesn’t change the fact it might ruin them.

Not today or tomorrow, but eventually.

Vi will probably get over the chase soon anyway. It’ll be fun at first, but she’ll come to her senses too. She’ll see Caitlyn’s side of it. 

“You’re going to get bored.”

“Okay, good, if true that would make moving on easier then — win-win, don’t you think?”

“Vi…”

“You still haven’t said the magic words.”

Caitlyn tries to look anywhere but at Vi. “I'm exhausted. I should've been in bed thirty minutes ago.”

“And?” Vi challenges, looking like she’s holding her breath. 

The magic words. Right. Just stop. We have to move on. We’re best friends. It’ll be better for us. 

“And... and your mug still has a tea stain on the handle,” Caitlyn adds. 

Vi smiles so slowly it lights up her eyes first. “Huh. I guess I should take care of that.”

Caitlyn lets go of her hand, lifts her chin up and walks to her room. “I guess you should. Goodnight.”

“Hey, Cait?”

“What?”

“I got SNIPE’d.”

Caitlyn grips the door frame tight, trying so damn hard to keep her smile in. 

“Oh, shut up.”

Vi bursts out laughing and Caitlyn hears her voice well into her dreams that night.

This is new. 

And terribly exciting.