Chapter Text
Day 1 “Please don’t cry”
|Beg for Forgiveness|
College classes passed quickly today, and you were again going to the library. Not to study, at least not only to do so. You didn’t want to go home yet. The less time you spent there, the less time you were hurting.
Autumn gives you the right to wear long sleeves, without others striking weird looks at you. All those bruises were now safely hidden under them. Melissa - your friend finally entered the library holding a cup of coffee in her hands. She looked as if she tried to steal the heat of the drink and put it in her own body.
- Hey, Asya - she greeted you quietly, trying not to disturb anyone in this tranquil space. She took off her soft scarf and stacked it onto the chair next to her, along with her bag.
- Hi, Mel - you answered, showing a small smile.
You were going through your history book, page by page. Again. You had to prepare a project together with Melissa for Professor Kennedy’s lecture. You alone were already almost done with the presentation. Focusing on something other than home gave you a false feeling of normality; that’s why learning became your way of escaping that hell.
- Mel, can you look up things connected to the last topic of this chapter? - You asked after a few minutes, feeling that you needed a break. - My back is stiff, I'll go take a short walk and buy some tea.
- Sure, no problem, I made some notes on that yesterday anyway. - Melissa was responsible and hardworking, and you loved her for that. She was the only one who wasn't trying to use you for better grades.
Your back was stiff, but that wasn't the main reason you had to go out. Pain. Pain was unbearable. Your parents didn't show you any mercy last night, right after you came back home. That’s why you hated that place; your father was always drunk, your mother was forever mad at your existence. She lost her chance to get a promotion, and she had to raise you. Let’s say that straight, she wasn’t putting her heart into it anyway…
You went to the bathroom and took painkillers from your bag. They didn't have a strong impact, but it was better than nothing. You sat there for a few minutes, wondering why it had to look that way. You were forever alone; being in a relationship wasn't even an option for you. How could you show them all those bruises? Invite them home? Impossible. Your parents would beat the hell out of them, too.
You got used to all those dark thoughts, you learned how to avoid being at home almost to perfection. Coming home after your parents were asleep, going out before they woke up. But sometimes, they were still up… Just like yesterday. Hearing all those insults hurt your mind; crying was prohibited, that made everything worse. You slowly tried to retreat to your room, but your father's hands were faster, smashing your body onto the wall. You felt dizzy as your head hit the hard surface behind. You stood there trying to regain your vision. Everything was blurry. Everything was spinning.
In your head, you begged. Begged for all of that to stop. Disappearing wasn't that bad of an option, but you weren't that brave. The courage wasn't strong enough yet.
You shook your head, still sitting in one of the stalls. You didn't want to remember yesterday, actually, you didn't want to remember any of those days. Standing up wasn’t that bad anymore, so you went outside and bought yourself hot tea. Outside the windows, leaves were falling as the rain poured lazily.
- You surely took your time, Asya - Melissa laughed slightly, seeing you with a cup half empty already.
- Sorry - you started quickly - the line was longer than I expected. - It was already 7pm and the library was quite empty. - How is your part of the work going? Do you need my help with anything?
- No, not really. I should be done by tomorrow, so you can work on the presentation. - She said, shoving all of her papers into her bag. - I'll get going. I have tuition in half an hour.
You waved to her as she exited the library; her eyes were shining. She looked so lively, You wished to have even just a bit of that spark of hers. That would be new to you. Feeling all happy and careless.
Some more time passed, and they were closing the library in a few minutes, so you left. You were just passing the time there for most of the time. Reading the same history books over and over became pointless; You knew them word for word. Walking home became actually ‘avoiding it’. You took turns in other directions than you should have. Going even further away. Passing by streets full of clubs and restaurants full of young people, women wearing short dresses and heels. They were all so pretty. You saw them having fun every weekend night. You were working in one of those popular clubs at the bar to earn some money for yourself.
Street lights were dim because of omnipresent fog; the rain stopped hours ago. You only heard music in your headphones, not footsteps.