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1. No musical numbers before 10 AM or after 10 PM.
"You are...my fire..." Jericho sang as he cracked eggs into a hot pan. The sun wasn't up yet, but he had always been an early bird. "My one...desire..."
He kept singing as he scrambled the eggs. Marius walked in, grabbing his own breakfast. Jericho sang quieter. But to his surprise, when he reached the chorus—
"Tell me why!"
Jericho gasped, so delighted he almost missed his cue. "Ain't nothin' but a heartache!"
"Tell me why!"
"Ain't nothin' but a mistake!"
"Tell me why—"
"—are you two singing at five in the fucking morning?" Farryn hissed.
Jericho cringed. "Sorry, Miss Farryn."
2. Keep your seances private.
Briggsy jumped as Yorgrim seemingly just appeared behind him. "I found more information on the murdered children."
"Fuckin' hell, don't sneak up like that!" Briggsy said, his voice totally not shaking. "Wait, how? I thought the cops found everything before we moved in."
"I communed with the spirits. They told me about how Mrs. Lockwood would put mold in the family's food so they were too weak to fight back. Seems relevant to the investigation."
Briggsy swallowed. It wasn't like ghosts were real, but if that was true... "Yeah, um—I don't know if the cops will take that as evidence."
3. No judging people's food choices.
"Seriously?"
Briggsy looked up from his meal—cheese, crackers, and a white Monster—to see Marius glowering at him, holding a glass of unidentifiable red sludge. "Seriously, what?"
"Is that what you're having for lunch? You're going to be up all night."
"Okay, first of all, I just woke up, so this is breakfast. Second, you have no right to judge. What is that, blended meat?"
"It's a protein shake! It's got beetroot, it's good for you!" Marius flushed. "Maybe if you tried some, you wouldn't be sleeping until noon."
Briggsy sneered. "No thanks. I like my taste buds intact."
4. No religion vs. atheism debates in shared spaces.
"Y'know, if you believed that strongly in aliens without proof, everyone would call you delusional," Briggsy said. "But since you found some other people who are crazy too—"
"That's. The point." Marius said through gritted teeth. "You're not supposed to know. That's why it's called faith! You're—it's like complaining that milkshakes are cold! They're meant to be!"
"Then why not be a satanist?"
"Jews don't even believe in Satan!"
"I believe in Satan," Jericho piped up. "Sometimes he talks to me."
They both turned and stared at him.
"...Y'know what, let's drop it," Marius said.
"Agreed," said Briggsy, slightly shaken.
5. If you're going to deal drugs, PLEASE be subtle about it.
Farryn leaned up against the gate, her eyes tracking the black car that crawled down the road. It slowed to a stop beside her, and the driver rolled down his window, handing her a stack of bills. "Hey."
"Hey." Farryn counted the money twice before handing over a bag of weed—ah, it was good to have a garden. Her customer sped off without a word, and she began the long climb up the driveway.
Lethica was waiting for her on the porch, arms crossed. "You look suspicious as hell," she said. "Next time, at least invite them in for tea."
6. Do not chase people around with your belongings like a kindergartner.
"Do you like it, Marius?"
Marius recoiled from the thing Lethica had shoved at him—a purse that she had sewn hundreds of doll hands to. He did not. In fact, it viscerally disgusted him.
"Get it? It is a handbag!" Lethica added. She looked far too excited.
"It's..." oh lord, why was he such a bad liar? "It definitely is!"
"Aw, are you scared? Do not worry, you will warm up to him."
It's a HIM now??? "I'm sure I—" Marius broke off with a shriek as Lethica thrust the bag closer. Screw decorum, he was getting out of here!
7. Keep reminders of people's impending mortality to a minimum.
Jericho slouched through the front door, dropping his backpack with a sigh. "Well, I bungled it again," he said to no one in particular. "The waitress said 'enjoy your meal', and I said 'you too'. She probably thinks I'm a creep. She's probably right."
Yorgrim frowned. He hated to hear Jericho talk like that. He was the only person who had made him laugh in years, and he had a good heart that shone through in everything he did. I have to tell him that he can't spend the only life he has hating himself.
"You will die soon."
"What?"
8. No roadkill in the house.
"Why is there a dead possum in the fridge?" Marius said. "I'm not mad, just disappointed."
"You're not my dad," Farryn grumbled.
"Oh, so it was you."
"First off, that's profiling. Second, I was just trying to decide whether to salvage the pelt—if it is salvageable—or bury the whole thing, let it rot, and dig up the bones."
"You didn't decide before you killed it?"
Farryn rolled her eyes. "I didn't kill it, jackass. Some irresponsible driver did."
"Fine," Marius sighed. "Just decide soon, okay? I don't want it touching the food. Possums aren't kosher."
"That's what you object to?"
9. Send a text in the groupchat if you're going to let someone crash on the couch.
Yorgrim: Why is there a woman on our couch.
Lethica: oh that is Elizabeth
Yorgrim: didn't answer my question
Lethica: she is between homes now, and I have a home to offer
Lethica: do you want me to kick out a homeless woman, Yorgrim?
Yorgrim: no but I would like to know she's gonna be THERE
Lethica: I did not think it would be such a big deal
Yorgrim: Maybe it wouldn't have been if you told HER that WE would be here
Yorgrim: she threw the toaster at me, Lethica.
Lethica: so that is what that noise was.
10. Communal laundry day is Wednesday.