Chapter Text
Shi Qingxuan was casually strolling back to Yale campus after getting IV in a cold, lonesome hospital two hours away at midnight while Shi Wudu was raging because Charlie Kurk -his baby mommy- was killed by a bunch of trannies because they were just a bit too dehydrated (this actually happened to me guys, minus the last part because this was over a year ago and I dont got a brother 😭✌️).
Their ethereal obsidian eyes briefly glanced at a group of people sitting on the grass playing what appeared to be a gay version of Cards Against Humanity called Inqueeries. They recognized some of the people from around, being the social butterfly they are; they approached the group with a smile on their face despite having gotten no sleep.
Should Shi Qingxuan drink more water? Yes.
Are they actually going to? Hell no, Monsters are better.
"Hey! What're you guys playing? Can I join the party??!!" A smile radiated from Shi Qingxuan, making them as bright as the blue, pink, and white sunrise.
"Qingxuan! Of course you can play!! This is a super top secret game, though, so...you have to keep it on the DL for us!" Akiyama Mizuki returned a grin with just as much of an intensity in terms of liveliness, patting an empty patch of grass in between her and Lest.
"Where even were you?" Mizu cocked an eyebrow, having not seen his favorite roomate- though he'd never admit it out loud- in nearly half a day.
"Ugh- you know how I was sick for like the entire week? Turns out I was just dehydrated... which I emphasize is like NOT my fault. Wudu was like laughing at me the entire time, like he actively took pleasure in my state of uncomfort as I could feel the cold liquid coursing through my veins... he's so mean! Anyway...how do you play this?" Shi Qingxuan laid on their stomach at the spot Akiyama Mizuki, kicking their legs in the air subtly while their exaggerated facial expression vividly described the sensation of getting IV and the part near the end, after the bag ran out, where the tube started to suck out their blood and the nurse uno reversed it and put it back in their body. The entire time Mizu was grimacing, regretting asking because he did NOT ask for such details.
"Um? that's quite the story Qingxuan...this is Uraume's deck, by the way." Sophia Burset was smoking a fat, perfectly rolled blunt that Shi Qingxuan didn't even register until she spoke. They are slightly impressed, recalling all the times at parties they fumbled to the point where a middle schooler could do better. Yet that emotion gradually turns into slight concern since Sophia Burset is on probation right now.
"No it isn't. It's Sukuna's. He used my credit card to buy this shit off of Amazon because he's enough of a faggot to enjoy it. It's literally just a gay version of Cards Against Humanity." Uraume bluntly denies these horrible accusations while dealing out seven barbie pink cards to Shi Qingxuan.
They read what each of the cards say, slightly bemused since they're not gay enough to understand the not-so-niche gay icons referenced.
"Alright, I'll judge this round." Lest flips one of the black cards over, taking a long hit of her spooky vanilla flavored vape. How she got a Halloween themed vape in the middle of May will forever remain a mystery. After she was done she read the card out loud, smoke slowly slipping out of her mouth as she spoke with her usual tone of decorum. "My grandma found out I was gay after ___"
"...Wow this really is gay as fuck." Shi Qingxuan twirled a strand of shoulder length hair subconsciously as they pick their worst card since they really have a shit hand right now. They promptly throw the card towards Lest as one by one the rest of the group does so.
"Dude, I know right? That's what makes it so fun." Jules seemingly responds to Shi Qingxuan's comment, until they realize she's on her phone with AirPods in. Flabbergasted and ever so slightly annoyed, since they didn't even realize she was there this entire time.
"Um..ok these are quite the answer choices-" Lest was about to end the round with her judging when Jules obnoxiously screams out loud, jumping up to her previous seating position.
"OH MY GOD, GUYS!! TRUMP JUST DUMPED GARRISON FOR KIM JONG UN! AND THEY GOT INTO A FIST FIGHT!!!" She takes out her AirPods, putting them back in her custom Masyumaromitainafuwafuwanyanko case (those who know). She squealed, like a little junior high school girl. Ironically, she's the oldest in the group by like 3 years.
"Why do you care so much about them? They literally are completely irrelevant to our lives..." Mizu rolled his eyes, whispering something hush hush to Uraume. Whatever he said got a "heh" reaction from them. Shi Qingxuan was bemused yet again, because why can't they be in on the secret??? They come to the rational conclusion that it's TOTALLY racially motivated, but chose to keep quiet.
"OK-but this is like different. Like, look at how badly Garrison beat him up." Jules pulled up Ida Davis' most recent story -whose username is mybedbugsatemypussy- which normally consisted of selfies of her with her son that will one day grow up to become a womanizer while also starring in a random indie k-drama, which is the reasoning behind him becoming a massive celebrity in South Korea while not speaking a single word of the language, and become best friends with one of the most famous middle aged fat bisexual white guy that doesn't know who Taylor Swift is, has a ginger wife, a baby that has a situationship with his teddy bear, a talking republican dog, a daughter that has the ability to turn any and all men that talk to her into raging homosexuals, a son that's chronically an idiot, and 30 year long beef with a random yellow family across the country because they didn't win an Emmy somehow had the most perfect angle of the fight, which took place across the street from a nearby gay bar that none of them except for Jules has been to.
The entire time Garrison is screaming and saying a lot of stuff along the lines of "YOU FUCKING FAGGOT! FUCK YOU, FAGGOTS SHOULD'VE NEVER GOTTEN RIGHTS TO BEING WITH!!" while beating a whimpering Kim Jong Un black and blue. It didn't take a genius to see who came out victorious. It's not like the latter is the most fit anyways.
To give the video SOME credit, it's not like they're at the nicest area. In fact, it could reasonably be classified as "the ghetto". Minus the fact that one of the most glamorized universities in the world that pretty much only rich kids get into lies there, it's actually really horrible to live there. There's shootings every other week and the streets crawl with homeless people fent-tripping as if it's the apocalypse and the latter are skinwalkers. However, there's loads of thrift stores in a two mile radius; so, Shi Qingxuan thinks it's worth it, in their very humble opinion.
"Fighting over a man is so stupid. And he's lowkey chopped anyways. He looks like he has some sort of liver failure that makes your skin a saturated orange." Sophia Burset mumbled, taking a glance at Jules' screen, eye whites slightly pink as the weed starts hitting.
Seeing that everyone completely forgot about the game, Lest collected all the cards and reshuffled the pile before fastening it with the rainbow rubber band. She silently handed it to Uraume before grabbing her stuff and dipping.
"Wait! Where're you going, girl??" Akiyama Mizuki blew bubble with a piece of fruity gum. She got a hold of Lest's layered black lace maxi skirt causing her to stop mid step.
"I just remembered I have a shift in 40 minutes- and my vape is on one bar. We can hang later, Mizuki." Lest smiles slightly, before slightly kicking her boot to get to get her to let go. The motion causes the silver chains on the side to rattle against each other.
"Ohh, ok! Byeee!!" Akiyama Mizuki waves with the same hand she had previously had a grip on Lest. She turns to Sofia Burset, slightly tilting her head to the side and suddenly speaking in a lower tone than usual. "Wait... why did they break up though? I mean, haven't they been together since Freshman year? There must be a reason, right??"
"I'm like pretty sure it's because Garrison transitioned like a month ago... isn't Trump like 100% gay?" Shi Qingxuan rested their head on their palm with their legs crossed and a smile on their face.
This is their area of expertise, after all! Figuring out a bunch of tivial and otherwise useless information about pretty much anyone and everyone is something they've mastered from a young age like a fine art. No thanks to their brother, being the anti-social recluse he is.
"Garrison is quite literally the most homophobic queer I've ever met and will meet. It's kinda ironic honestly... must be because she's old as fuck. Like born-in-a-different century type of old." Uraume clicks their tongue, although they really shouldn't be talking. The type of stuff that they've said over the years teeters on the line of hate crime.
"Hey! It's not her fault she's like 80 surrounded by a bunch of people in their early 20's," Akiyama Mizuki pouts before immediately sprawling out on the grass before Uraume. The long blades graze along her cheeks and pink hair as she squints her eyes. She slowly raises up her hand toward them to touch their face, revealing a stick-and-poke cross that's been sitting on her wrist forever "Oh by the way, you've got something on your shirt..."
"Not falling for it." Uraume rolls their eyes with a grimace, slapping her hand away. As if it got summoned for crudely hitting a defenseless lady, an early morning breeze starts picking up, triggering their allergies with a couple of quiet sneezes (people who sneeze loudly piss me off SO MUCH, I can't.)
Out of the blue, a couple of normies (yuck) walked up to them. Shi Qingxuan scratched their cheek briefly because, seriously, why is so many people awake at 7 AM. This is NOT a common occurrence. All they want to do right now is crawl back into their creaky bed that barely fits them on account of them being 6 feet tall since they are happy to live a life of breaking the stereotype that Asians are short. They're not entirely sure if it's because of whatever sedative drugs the ER nurse put into their IV that's what's making them so groggy and almost unwilling to socialize today.
"Hey, faggots." Caitlyn Jenner sneered as if she wasn't one of them.
Shi Qingxuan has no idea why she's even here talking to the group in the first place. They clash like Yin and Yang, Caitlyn with her 101% plastic body which is slightly less than the typical over 150% plastic compared to the rest of the Kardashians. She walks around with her Balenciaga bag- which is quite the most ugliest thing ever that somehow likely costs somewhere along the lines of $5000.
MEANWHILE, they were all absolutely stunning and fashionable with their custom-made, DIY, and thrifted outfits. Quite literally, they could never stoop down to her level. Also, not to mention Shi Qingxuan has quite literally barely said 2 sentences to her- which speaks for itself abundantly.
"Umm...hi?" Mizu adjusted his glasses slightly as his head turned towards her. Naturally, he's already cursing her out in his head while maintaining a completely stoic expression being the demure, nonchalant 6'7 dreadhead he is.
Shi Qingxuan had half a mind to admit, though; that was quite the introduction...
"Go away no one wants you here." Sophia Burset rolled her eyes, pink and red clashing a deep brown, before completely changing her demeanor, making a V with her index and middle fingers while sticking her tongue out. Her tongue piercing shines a little as the sky gradually fades into the typical daytime blue it usually is.
"Talk to me once you're sober. Besides I wouldn't be talking to you weirdos if I had a choice." Caitlyn Jenner scoffed since she's NOT a lesbian.
Totally not.
"Y-yea...we just want your advice on something." Cho Hyun-ju was looking down at her sneakers, standing directly behind Caitlyn Jenner as if she were a dog owned by her. Shi Qingxuan's always pitied her since her usual timidness is the reason why Caitlyn Jenner isolated her effortlessly amongst everyone else for the sole purpose of treating her like a slave or something.
"Oh my gosh! Hey girl!!" Akiyama Mizuki waves at Cho Hyun-ju, who returns it with one that substantially has less enthusiasm. "What's up?"
"Basically-um, you know how like...JD Vance has been like forcing um...Donald Trump to get an abortion? Well... Elon Musk found out and now he's like pissed at everyone because he really wanted to keep the baby...." Cho Hyun-ju's eyes darted back and forth between several different people, although mostly Mizu and Jules since for whatever reason they intimidate her the most.
"Wait, what?!" Uraume, Sophia Burset, Mizu, and Shi Qingxuan yelled in unison like the platonic soulmates they are. This immediately got the drowsy Shi Qingxuan to perk up since they were completely out of the know about the fact that Donald Trump was pregnant in the first place??
Also, weren't him and Kim Jong Un a thing??? It's genuinely so hard to keep up with the complicated lore. Somehow, Donald Trump is swimming in twink tears despite having multiple rape charges against him. Pop off, girl.
"Pause, repeat what you said...?" Mizu raised an eyebrow, his blue eyes staring holes of shock into Cho Hyun-ju. Out of all of the things they all had expected her to say, that was certainly not one of them.
"Huh? Oh, Elon Musk is annoyed at everyone now..." Cho Hyun-ju mumbled, being uncomfortable having to repeat her words in front of such a large group of people.
"You retard. He meant about Donald Trump being pregnant. Yea you heard her right, I'm almost as surprised myself. He has plenty of kids with that Russian slut; does he really need another one?" Caitlyn Jenner scoffed, reapplied some botox and estrogen before doing her runway model walk away from them with a flip of her dyed graying hair.
"Sorry..." Cho Hyun-ju locked eye contact with the ground again like it were whispering the secrets of the universe and only she could hear it before slowly following her.
"Hot take: Hyun-ju is the most omega omega to ever omega the omega." Sophia Burset sways from side to side, light giggles erupting from her throat. Clearly, she's currently quite the Einstein.
"Get a load of this guy." Uraume pointed their thumb sideways towards Sophia Burset with a smirk.
"Wait, I'm still processing what she said. What?! Trump is pregnant?? Just how many bitches does he have??" Shi Qingxuan can feel the braincells they're losing.
At the back of their mind, a tiny voice mutters how they should've just stayed at home with all the bruzz and never have gotten the ambition to apply to Yale. At least then they wouldn't be witnessing such a situation. Granted, another part of them not only likes this lore, but they are aware this this
"Too many for someone as chopped as him." Jules goes back to scrolling mindlessly through her phone, putting her left AirPod in instead of both like previously.
"Wait...CAITLYN COME BACK!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU NEEDED ADVICE WITH THAT!!" Akiyama Mizuki was genuinely intrigued and being too lazy to get up on the warm grass, so she resorted to yelling halfway across the area of the campus they're at. Unfortunately for her, Caitlyn Jenner was already out of sight.
"Basically, I need you guys to help me get Kim Jong Un to break up with Trump so him and Elon can get back together to avoid world war III. Also, in case if you didn't know, I'm a single mother of 6 bratty plastic kids, like more plastic than a Barbie degree of plastic. However, my arthritis be hurting me, so I can't do these heroic deeds alone." Caitlyn Jenner spawns right behind Akiyama Mizuki, giving her quite the scare.
Everytime she spawns into somewhere, it's as if she uses her skin's collagen to get around to places; she takes out her needle again and adds more botox and estrogen to her face. She definitely has some skinwalker genetics inside of her.
Although, now that Shi Qingxuan thinks about it, it might just be heroin.
After much contemplation and pondering for hours, the group made a very elaborate scheme thanks to the help of a little bit of acid -courteousy of Sophia Burset- and Hot Cheetos. Infact, it could be called within reason "the scheme of schemes" with how much they all cooked up.
However, first they need to summon their one and only, lord and savior, Mother RuPaul.