Archive of Our Own ^beta

2020 was both the best and worst year of Etho’s life. Sure there was a pandemic and that was bad or whatever, but that was also the year that Etho got braces. He didn’t feel like he needed braces despite the dentist saying it’d seriously fuck up his jaw if he didn’t, to him it just didn’t seem like that big of a deal.

And that’s why 2020 was the best year. Masking let him hide his stupid braces “oh what color do you want your bands Etho” none stop looking at his teeth. Those are his. In fact, Etho liked covering his face so much that when the orthodontist told him he’d be in braces till he was 18 he just accepted his face with his cloth mask as his new best friend.

At this point Etho just looked incomplete without it at this point. He hated the look of his full face and Etho hated his teeth even more. Stupid metal mouth. And by senior year the few people who had seen him without the mask was Etho’s family and his small group of friends. The best of those friends being Cleo, someone he met his sophomore year and bonded with pretty instantly. 

Etho’s parents were convinced that they would be his first girlfriend despite the fact that they were both queer and didn’t like each other but it summed up their closeness pretty well. Or at least it summed up how delusional Etho’s parents were. Regardless, Cleo was probably his best friend based on how often they hung out. Many of those hang outs involved getting ice cream and talking shit about other people, a great time. But it wasn’t always ice cream. 

It was a week before senior year started, a new frozen yogurt place had opened in one of the strip malls in town and, well, Etho was a slut for frozen yogurt, so they went. Etho drove since he had a car, it barely worked, but it was still a car. 

The froyo place had a stupid name and was bright pink, but that’s how you know it’s gonna be a good place. They had about maybe 12 flavors, not counting swirls obviously, and three sizes of cups. Which Etho clearly chose the largest size before bee-lining it to the chocolate flavor. Etho knew what he liked and he was going to get it.

He quickly loaded his cup up with the gummy toppings he deserved before setting it on the weight for the cashier to check him out. Etho tapped his card to pay and gratefully took the punchcard the worker offered him, and the cashier looked vaguely familiar but Etho was frankly too caught up with the excitement about the froyo in his hand to care.

Cleo was still working on getting their flavor but she pointed to a table in the corner for the two of them to sit which Etho was happy to do. Froyo was always better than he remembered it being, and he remembered it being fan-flippin-tastic. 

—

It was about a week later when Etho realized he should’ve been a little more concerned with who that cashier was. It was the first day of senior year in his third period English class, which was honestly one of the classes Etho was least looking forward to since none of his friends were in it and he hated writing. 

Etho tried his best to sit in the farthest corner that would let him talk to the least amount of people for the inevitable ice breakers they would make them play, and just mindlessly scrolled through his email as he watched which kids came into the class. 

About a minute before the bell rang, he came in and horror deeply set into Etho’s thoughts, that was where he recognized the cashier from. It was Joel Beans, someone he had known about all through high school. 

They never had a class together but Etho had heard plenty of things about him since freshman year and started to hear even more things about last year when his good pal Bdubs started dating Impulse who was best friends with someone in Joel’s band. 

And now Joel had seen him without his mask.

Fuckkkkk.

Etho was having a tiny mental breakdown in the corner as he felt practically his world crumble beneath him. Joel was like semi popular and not known for being the nice dude, and now he knew that Etho had ugly looking braces and that his lips bulged because of the thickness of the brackets. He was probably laughing about it with his friends already and now Etho had fucking class with him. 

His only hope of this whole scenario was that potentially Joel wouldn’t recognize Etho and then he could live his life in peace. As the bell rang, Etho sat anxious that something was going to happen and that Joel would say something, but by the end of the hour nothing happened and Etho had stressed himself out for nothing.

This class was going to be hell. 

—

Etho was an idiot. And time and time again he was reminded of that fact. Because why in his right mind did he decide that there was no way that Joel would choose to work after the first day of school, so he was going to be totally fine going to the froyo place that evening. 

A bored looking Joel was the first thing Etho clocked as he walked into the shop and as he immediately regretted coming in. But now it was too late because it wasn’t like he could just leave, that would draw even more attention to himself and probably make him look either like made a mistake and went to the wrong place or too poor to be there. Both very embarrassing things that weren’t true. So he had to push through, he was going to get his well deserved froyo and then eat in his car, like a champion. 

With new found determination, Etho marched over to the cups, got his flavor, got his toppings and set it on the scale.

After a moment, Joel responded. “That’ll be $6.27.”

“Cool, cool.” Etho nodded as he pulled out his card to insert it into the till. “Also, I have a punch card.”

“I know. I remember.” Etho froze as he stared at his wallet. Well fuck. Of course Joel just had to remember who he was. 

He took a second to regain his composure before handing his punch card over to Joel. “Oh, cool.” Etho tried to say nonchalantly. He watched as the stamp thudded into his card while the silence seemed to drag between them. 

As soon as the card was close enough, Etho snatched it out of Joel’s hand, picked up his treat and bolted towards the door, throwing out a quick, “Bye.” leaving the heavily air conditioned store behind. 

At least he had the comfort of his froyo to add to the melt down in his car. Why did the one guy who saw Etho’s face have to remember him?

—

Again, Etho was not a smart guy. His parents may argue otherwise but a smart guy would keep going to the damn froyo shop. Somehow Etho’s commitment to his $6 frozen yogurt outweighed the logical part of his brain that told him that Joel was going to be there. Which by the way, Joel was always there. And y’know maybe that had something to do with the fact that Etho was going once a week on the same day at the same time, but that really shouldn’t be Etho’s fault.

It was about six weeks since school started and somehow Joel hadn’t noticed they were in the same class, which Etho was trying very hard to make sure he didn’t know. Their interactions would stay at the froyo place and not anywhere else. 

Etho had been seven times now to Joel’s job, and hated every single one. Frankly he was hoping for anyway to stop seeing Joel there (besides stopping going to the froyo place of course). And it was Wednesday at lunch after his seventh trip that finally gave him that answer.

Impulse and Bdubs were chatting about wanting to do something with Skizz when Martyn cut in. “Don’t you have to ask when his band practices are?”

“Nah.” Impulse responded. “I’ll just check their instagram.” 

That caught Etho’s attention. He wasn’t on instagram—he didn’t see the point— so Etho wasn’t quite aware of how it could tell Impulse Skizz’s schedule. “What instagram?”

“Oh, the band has an instagram account and since most of their practices are open, they put the times on their instagram. See.” Impulse pulled out his phone and passed it over. On the screen was a page of not only band photos but of little infographics that listed the practices for the week.

“And they do this every week?” Etho asked as he handed the phone back.

“Mhm. It’s really convenient for figuring out when Skizz is free.” 

“Yeah that sounds nice.” Martyn jumped in. “More people should tell me their weekly schedules, it’d make my whole life easier.”

“Not like you consider people’s schedules anyways.” Cleo teased.

“Its not my fault that you were out of town for my barbecue!”

“You literally knew that I was gone!”

Etho zoned out as the two bickered, the idea of the instagram lingered in the back of his brain, mediumly distracting him throughout the school day.

It wasn’t till after school that Etho formed a solid idea around it. He could use the instagram to figure out when Joel had band practice and subsequently wasn’t at the froyo place. It was genius. 

….Except he needed an account to do that.

Etho didn’t know how to make one, but Cleo probably did. So he sent her a simple text. “How do i make an instagram”

It wasn’t even a minute after that Cleo called him. “Hello?”

“YOU WANT TO MAKE AN INSTAGRAM?!”

“I feel like you’re making this a big deal.”

“It’s a pretty big deal. Why do you even want one?”

Etho took a minute to consider. He didn’t necessarily want to tell them about his plan to figure out when Joel would and would not be at the froyo place lest Cleo teased him about it. “I dunno, seems useful.”

Cleo went silent on the other line. “Okay. I’ll help you, but you have to follow me first.”

“Weird request but yeah okay, thanks.” It took Etho about thirty minutes to set up his instagram with Cleo’s help, which she also sent him the link to their profile for Etho to follow because he could not find the request. Instagram is a complicated app, okay?

After he followed them, he thanked Cleo for her help and then hung up and began his search for Joel’s band. Which was panning out to be a lot harder than he initially thought since he didn’t know anything about the band. 

Etho knew the people in the band kinda, like vague recollections of their names and he was pretty sure the name of the band was something like “The Losers” but it was hard to know. 

Before he could really struggle on it too much Cleo dropped a picture in their group chat.

Etho’s phone started buzzing again, this time Bdubs was calling him.

“You made an instagram without me!?” Bdubs all but sobbed into the phone, catching Etho off guard. “I beg you for years and years to make one and then once Cleo asks you to, you give in. You just hate me don’t you?” He blubbered on.

“I don’t hate you Bdubs.” Etho reassured. “And actually I asked Cleo to help me set an Instagram up. I wanted to make one.”

He could hear Bdubs sniff from over the phone. “You did? Why didn’t you ask me?” 

“I just, uh, thought you would ask too much into why I wanted to do it. I didn’t want it to be a big deal.”

“Well why did you?”

“Mmm because I thought it was about time?” Etho lied.

“That doesn’t sound like that’s the real reason.”

“And this is why I didn’t ask you.” 

Bdubs let out an offended gasp. “You’re so MEAN! Just follow me back, okay?”

“Yeah yeah I will. Bye bye.” Etho looked back at his phone after he hung up to see that a few others had responded. He threw out a little snarky text and laughed as they all dogged on Martyn.

As the conversation continued on, Etho changed his focus to the new instagram notifications he had and opened the app to see his three new followers. Each of his friends had such a different online presence, and all of them had, in his opinion, a lot of posts that all felt like each of them. It was interesting. But to Etho the most interesting thing was on Impulse’s instagram.

One of Impulse’s recent post was a picture of him and Skizz, and it also tagged him, which meant that Etho had Skizz’s account and Skizz’s bio had their band tagged in it. Jackpot.

Etho said a quick internal thank you to Impulse before following “The Rejects”, whose first post was their rehearsal schedule. 

And just like that he was free, Etho could get his froyo in peace, as god intended.

—

It was the Thursday before Fall break started, three weeks after Etho had gotten his instagram and three weeks after Etho started enjoying his frozen yogurt without the fear of Joel being there. And it really did make it taste better to not be worried about his appearance as he ate his sweet treat. 

However when Etho went in for his weekly froyo, Joel was there. Which he shouldn’t have been because the rejects have practices on Thursdays. Etho froze a little, but continued on to not make it seem like he was bothered that Joel was there. 

With his regular cup filled, Etho set it on the scale before pulling out his stamp card and debit card. After paying he handed over the punch card to the cashier, who just stared at it for a moment before remarking, “Huh, you’re only one away from filling out a whole card. So you’ve started coming on a different day then?”

It caught Etho a little off guard since the two of them hadn’t really spoken outside of Joel telling him his total. “Oh, uh, yeah I have. Just had more time.” As Etho took the card back, shoving it in his wallet, the question that plagued his mind begged to be asked. He looked back up at Joel before asking. “So uh, don’t you usually have rehearsal today?” 

Joel looked up at him, also looking a little taken back by the question. “Yeah, usually. Um, Jimmy’s sick so we canceled it.”

“Oh, cool, cool. Well bye.” Etho picked up his froyo and bolted out of the store. Once he was in his car, Etho immediately checked instagram to find that The Rejects had a story highlight thing that said rehearsal was canceled. He did not use instagram enough to stalk this band properly. The shame. 

At least he had a week off to forget about his humiliation. 

—

Fall break was nice. Etho’s parents had planned a trip to the woods as a “last hurrah” because it was “their baby’s last fall break”. They were a little too emotional for Etho’s taste, but it wasn’t like he was going to stop them.

And by the time he was back, Etho was ready to push on with hiding in the back of his English class until graduation, but when he came back in on Monday, dreaded words sat on the projector screen. “Partner Essay”.

There was no happy outcome for Etho for this project. Because it would either be assigned partners (which wouldn’t be the worst but still bad) or more likely they would get to choose their partners which would be terrible for Etho because he wasn’t friends with anyone in this class. So he sat, dread steeping in as he waited for the bell to ring. 

Mrs. Smith settled down the class as the bell rang. “I hope everyone had a good break, as you guys can see we’re about to start our unit where you guys in groups of two analyze a speech from anything. But since the last project where I allowed you to work with partners if you wished did not go as nicely as it could have, I will be choosing your partners for this project.” A groan went across the room, as some of the louder kids tried to protest. Etho just felt grateful he wouldn’t have to try and find a partner. “I know, I know, you guys like your friends, but since you haven’t shown me that you can work with your friends, this is what we have to do. I’ll tell you your partners at the end of class, so for now let's talk about what this project entails.”

His teacher spent the class period breaking down what she wanted from the analysis, which Etho enjoyed listening to, but he was a little distracted by his one fear. There was only one person he was really hoping he wouldn’t get partnered up with.

With ten minutes left in class, Mrs. Smith pulled up her word doc with all the names listed. Etho scanned the list till he found his name, and once he did the dread set in.

Etho S. & Joel B. 

The only person he didn’t want to be paired up with. Slowly, Etho packed up his bag and moved over to where Joel was sitting. “So I guess we’re partners then.”

Joel looked up at him, grin on his face. “I guess we are then. Etho, right?” Etho only nodded. The other boy continued. “You have any ideas of what to do this on?”

“No clue. But it’s probably something we could look up?” 

“That’s true. Someone’s gotta have thought a speech was good before. That won’t be too hard.” Joel agreed. They sat there for a moment, Etho choosing not to continue the conversation. Joel tapped repeatedly on his desk before speaking up again. “Y’know what actually, can I have your phone number? So we can, uh, talk about the project?”

Etho was grateful at this moment that he was wearing a mask to cover the look that presumably came across his face. Hopefully his eyes hid the full feeling of dread and panic that came over him. Etho calmed himself. “Uh yeah. Sure.” Joel slid his phone across for Etho to put his number into. 

Right after Etho handed the phone back the bell rang, giving him the chance to just leave with a small goodbye to Joel before heading to his next class. 

Once he had sat down at his desk in his new class, Etho checked his phone for a text from an unknown number saying “Hey this Joel :)”.

The boy quickly shot back a “this is Etho.” before shoving his phone back in his pocket for class.

This project was going to be a nightmare.

—

Over the next week, Joel kept texting Etho, mostly about the project, but also he kept texting Etho about random unrelated things, like what music type he liked or if he was caught up with some tv show. Which Etho was having a hard time with, he wasn’t necessarily the best at texting, mostly because when he thought a conversation was over he would just stop responding, much to his friends displeasure. And when Etho did this to Joel, Joel would just keep texting. Which was honestly just a little odd to Etho, why would he want to talk to him that badly?

Anyways, all this talking to Joel was filling up a lot more of his time, and making Etho think longer about this essay than he would usually do. Joel had suggested that they do a theater monologue because he said he saw something suggesting some online. Etho didn’t quite care though.  

What Etho did care about was when Joel texted him Friday afternoon, asking if Etho wanted to meet up to talk about the project on Sunday. Which sent Etho into a panic. 

Why did Joel want to meet up outside of class? They definitely had plenty of time to work on it in class if they just worked hard. Maybe Joel thought Etho wasn’t competent enough to get the essay done with just class. Maybe this was a set up and Joel was trying to get Etho in a more vulnerable place and then make fun of him. Etho didn’t really want to go but what if him saying no makes Joel think even worse about him and then Joel talks bad about not only Etho’s face but also him not being a good partner even though he is!

Etho texted Joel back an affirmative for Sunday. 

—

The cafe which Joel picked as their meet up spot was nice, but it did nothing to fight back Etho’s anxiety. What was he about to walk into? Etho spent all 15 minutes before they were supposed to meet up sitting anxiously in his car, cause he didn’t want to be late but he also didn’t want to seem like one of those people that’s always early. Before heading in he did his final checks, computer charged, wallet was in his pocket and his keys were in the other, his phone was in his back pocket, and, most importantly, his mask was firmly on his face.

The door chimed when Etho walked in, the noises of the cafe bustled around him as he scanned the room to see if Joel was there already. In a corner sat Joel, who was just sitting drinking his coffee. “Hey.” Etho called out to him.

Joel looked up at him, smiling. “Oh hey! You just get here?”

“Yeah.” Etho lied, “Have you been here long?”

“No, I just got here myself.” Joel also lied, because Etho had been watching the door for the last 15 minutes and would’ve known if Joel had come in within that time. Etho ignored that though, instead opting to set his bag down to sit in the chair at Joel’s table. 

“So what was the speech you wanted to do this on again?” Etho asked as he opened his computer.

“Oh, do you not want to order something?” Etho paused. He had considered the fact that there would be food here, which would mean taking off his mask, and doing that in front of Joel. In his pep talk before coming, Etho had told himself he just wouldn’t order anything, but now actually being there it was clear that there was an obvious social pressure that meant that he had to order something. Because what if the baristas are mad he’s not ordering something but loitering in here anyways or if Joel feels like he made a bad choice of choosing a cafe because Etho's not getting anything and then he thinks Etho is someone who won’t- “Etho?”

Etho snapped out of the rambling in his brain, focusing back on Joel who was looking at him earnestly. “Oh yeah, I’ll go get something.” He got up quickly, making his way to the counter putting in an order for the matcha latte he always got when he and Cleo went to cafes. Once he was back at the table, he re-asked his question. “So what’s the speech again?”

“Yeah, uh, it's the closing monologue from the musical Dear Evan Hansen, have you ever heard of it? They made a movie about it a few years ago?”

Etho shook his head, “No sorry, I don’t know a lot about theater.”

“Pft, not like I know anything about theater either, I just was thinking the context would be nice if you had seen it.” Joel took a sip of his coffee as he scrolled on his computer. “I’ll add you to a doc with the monologue on it.”

“Oh sick.” Etho opened his email, to look for the doc. “So you said there was a movie?”

“Yeah! They released it like a couple years ago. It's definitely worse than the stage version, but it's got the original guy in it.” Joel explained

“Woah, cool.”

“Mhm. Y’know we could wa-”

“I’ll probably have to ask Martyn to show it to me.” The two of them said at the same time. “Oh sorry were you saying something?” Etho asked.

Joel waved his hand in a ‘don’t worry’ motion. “No, no, I was just saying that you should watch a version of it to help with the essay. Anyways, I think the whole point of the monologue is about the growth after a mistake, I think it's also written with the idea that even outside of the context of the musical it gives the message that life has this uphill climb but it is accompanied by this idea of being true to yourself.”

Etho sat shocked. “Wow, you know a lot about this musical.”

“No, no, I just really looked at the paragraph earlier.” Joel blushed as he shook his head.

“Oh, sure.” Etho was feeling bad about not being as prepared, when the barista came over, setting Etho’s latte in front of him. “Thanks.” He mumbled out to her.

Etho looked at the drink, and then at Joel, bobbing the straw up and down as he contemplated. He really didn’t want to take off his mask in front of Joel and face whatever comments he had to say about Etho’s face. But on the other hand, Joel was looking pretty nervous as Etho fiddled with the drink, maybe Joel was anxious about being here too. With a sigh,  Etho pulled the drink towards him before slightly tugging down his mask to take a sip.

Joel was looking at him, but quickly turned away when their eyes met. “Anyways, I think we could really dive deep into the…”

They spent four hours at the cafe, half of the time working on their essay, and the other half talking about other things. It was much easier to talk to Joel when it wasn’t over text. He was an enjoyable person to talk to in Etho’s opinion, they had a lot of similar interests to talk about and he just didn’t seem as mean as Etho originally thought he would be. And he had a nice laugh. Etho liked being able to make Joel laugh. 

At one point Joel brought up Etho’s love of froyo. “So you’re still going in once a week?” He asked in a slight chuckle.

“Yes, I do. I enjoy my sweet treat.” Etho said defensively, making Joel laugh.

“Well, if you’re able to, you should try coming in when I’m working, I can get you a discount.”

“You can?!”

“Yeah.” Joel said like it was the most obvious thing ever. “We’re friends.”

“We are?” Both Etho and Joel froze after he said that. Joel was staring at him eyes wide.

“Oh…I thought we were, are we..”

“No no.” Etho quickly defended. “I just ..wasn’t sure… if you…consider m- do you have an instagram?”

Joel tilted his head. “What?”

“Do you have an instagram? I just only follow my friends on there so I thought that…” Etho let his nervous ramble die off as Joel began to grin.

“Yeah I have an instagram.”

“Cool.” Etho nodded as he pulled out his phone, handing it over to Joel. The other boy took it slowly with both hands before he began to type on it. A moment later he handed it back, with an instagram profile opened on it. Joel’s instagram wasn’t quite like his other friends, its closest comparison being Impulse’s. Or well, it looked the most similar to The Reject’s account. Joel had a lot of posts, and even more followers (like in the thousands). Etho quietly clicked the follow button, and within a second later he had a notification that Joel had followed him back. “Now we're friends there too.”

Joel smiled again. “Yeah, we are.”

When Etho finally got home a few hours later, he got another notification, this time saying that Joel had tagged him in something. It was a little story picture of their two computers and their drinks, which he must have taken while they were working. The big thing Etho noticed was that Joel had taken the effort to crop out his face, which Etho appreciated. His face didn’t really deserve to go on someone like Joel’s instagram. 

—

A couple more weeks went by, Etho started going back into the froyo place on Tuesdays when Joel was there, and he was always greeted with a big smile and a discount so there was a big incentive to keep going.  

Also their text conversations got easier as Joel seemed to understand what Etho meant despite his dry texting. And apparently they were texting so much that Etho’s friends were starting to catch on.

“Whatcha looking at?” Cleo leaned close at lunch one day.

Etho quickly pulled away his phone, “I’m not looking at anything.”

“Oh?” They inquired. “‘Not looking at anything’ you say as you smile while typing away on your phone. Who are ya texting, Etho?” This statement caught both Bdubs’ and Martyn’s attention.

“Etho’s texting someone?” Bdubs asked with his wide eyes trained on the boy. 

“No.” Etho did his best to pull away as Martyn reached for his phone, but was unsuccessful as Cleo grabbed it from around him. “Guys I swear it’s nothing.”

“Yeah no shit. But you’re never on your phone so don’t blame us for being curious.” Cleo said as they held onto his phone.

Etho sighed. “Yeah okay. I’m just texting my partner for my English project.”

“That looked a little happier than you should be about a project.” Martyn pointed out with his eyebrow raised.

“Well we're also friends.”

“Who’s your partner again?” Bdubs asked. 

“...Joel.”

Bdubs’ expression went wide as if remembering something, and Martyn cut in. “Wait, didn't the two of you go on a date a couple weeks ago?”

“No!” Etho felt his cheeks heat up. “It wasn’t a date or anything, we were just working on our project.” 

“Sureee.” Cleo dragged out as she handed his phone back.

“I swear, Joel and I are just friends.” Etho wasn’t sure why his heart twinged a little at saying he and Joel were just friends. It wasn’t like he liked Joel or anything. He just liked working with him, and liked talking. And he liked Joel’s smile. And he liked the slight lisp Joel had when he said his name and…Oh. 

Etho liked Joel.

—

The last couple of weeks of the project were a little harder for Etho with the new realization that he liked Joel. He did his best to keep it casual but Etho kept finding himself staring at Joel when the other boy wasn’t looking. 

Which was honestly weird of him, Joel didn’t deserve to have someone like Etho liking him. Joel was so pretty and cool and Etho was just some quiet loser who couldn’t even show his face to people. He was lucky someone like Joel would even talk to him at all. 

On the Friday the project was due, the two of them were going over some final edits before turning it in when Joel nudged him. 

“Hey, are you doing anything tomorrow night?”

“I shouldn’t be, why what's up?” Etho cocked his head curiously.

“Oh it's just that my band has a gig on Saturday and I was wondering if you would want to come?”

Etho smiled, making sure it reached his eyes. “The Rejects, right? Yeah, I’d be down to come. Just send me the details.” Etho was acting a lot chiller than he was feeling on the inside after Joel, his newly acknowledged crush, specifically asked him to come to his band performance.”

Joel’s classic grin spread across his face. “Awesome, ya I’ll send you the details.”

…

Etho was excited for the next day, to a point where even the rest of his school day felt too long. It was 6th hour, Etho’s last class hour of the day, and he was wandering the halls on his way to the bathroom after his teacher gave them an extra workday to work on an assignment he had already finished. 

He was walking under the main stairs of the halls when he heard two voices talking above him, and one of the voices was distinctly Joel’s. 

“Oh yeah, Jimmy!” His voice cut through. “I got Etho to come to the gig tomorrow.”

“Dude, really?! Nice!!” Etho heard some clap noise, which was probably some sort of handshake. “Wait, Joel. Does that mean you’ve seen his face again?”

Etho froze at the mention of his face, but Joel continued on. “Yeah, and a lot sooner than I thought he’d show me.” Joel chuckled, and Etho felt his heart drop as the laugh he had appreciated the last few weeks felt warbled. “Especially with his whole braces situation.”

As he felt his breathing quicken, all Etho could do was run. His panic attack fully overcame him as he locked himself into a stall. 

Etho felt as if he couldn’t breath, a pressure pressing against his chest strong enough to feel like it would crack his lungs. He tried to go through the stupid calming exercises the internet always said to do, but the distraction of his thoughts kept Etho from remembering how many things he was supposed to smell or see. 

Joel was just like what Etho was scared of, he found Etho as ugly as Etho knew he was. He had tricked him into thinking he was a nice person just to get Etho to like him before Joel embarrassed him in front of all the people at their performance. And he deserved to be embarrassed like the fool he was, how could someone as gross as him ever like someone like Joel. 

Etho felt nauseous and he wished he at least had his water bottle to deep breath himself out of this panic attack. As he tried to deep breath, the fabric over his mouth sucked deeper in, getting caught on the spikes of his brackets and making it harder to breath. 

He ripped the mask of his face, feeling his braces under his top lip as he pulled it off. Etho hated the way the braces pushed and tore up the back of his lips, and he hated the way it made his lips bulge as they did. Etho hated how the fat of his cheeks pudged out over the sides. He hated the amount of food restrictions he had, he hated the tightness on his teeth which constantly overstimulated him, Etho hated how as he tried to breath he could hear the air whistle through his brackets. Etho hated his braces. 

His hands went straight to his mouth, as Etho tried to pull his braces off his face. He didn’t care if it would hurt, or if it was expensive, he wanted them off. 

Etho could feel his nails crack as he dragged his fingers down his teeth. He yanked and yanked, but nothing but his rubberbands would come off. Etho finally stopped once he realized that every effort would be in vain. All he could do was cry as the cuts on his fingers began to bleed.

All Etho wanted was to look in the mirror and like himself, but he knew he couldn’t when no one else did.

—

Etho didn’t end up going to ‘the gig’ on Saturday, nor did he answer Joel’s text about it either. And he didn’t go to school on Monday, and when he did go back to class on Tuesday, he sat back in his corner with only one desk and ignored Joel when the boy tried to talk to him after class. Which was the routine Etho fell into for each class that week. And, for the first time since school started, Etho didn’t go get froyo that week.

It wasn’t till that Saturday when Etho finally told someone what happened. Cleo had barged into his house and interrupted his wallowing.

“Alright, what happened?”

“Nothing happened Cleo.”

“That is the most untrue thing you’ve said to me in a while. You’ve been moping around all week, and we’re concerned for you. Now, what happened?”

The brutalness that was Cleo’s way of caring is what finally got Etho to break. He felt tears well up in his eyes as he admitted it. “I liked Joel.”

Cleo sat down next to him, rubbing Etho’s back. “Oh honey, it’s not bad to like him.”

He shook his head. “No, no. I liked Joel and I, uh, heard him talking to me to his friend. He was talking about my face. He was talking about my braces.”

Cleo’s arms wrapped fully around him pulling Etho into a tight embrace. “Well you don’t need a stupid boy who’s gonna go around saying things about you.” They sat there for a moment. “Do you wanna watch a movie or something? Take your mind off it?” Etho only nodded into her shoulder.

He was grateful for his friends who at least liked him.

—

The next week felt long, it was hard to be both sad and tired. Etho’s only reprieve was lunch with friends, he had never felt happier to hear Martyn’s stupid jokes. And on Wednesday he finally had something to look forward to when Cleo and Martyn invited him to hang out on Saturday.

And like a light at the end of a tunnel, that one focus helped pass the week better than Etho could’ve hoped. Before he knew it, he was no longer alone, being driven to a pizza place a little outside of town that Martyn had heard good things about. 

It wasn’t until Etho walked into the store that everything came crashing down. On one side of the restaurant sat a stage, and on that stage was a band playing. Joel’s band.

“Nope.” Etho turned to walk out, but Martyn grabbed his arm stopping him.

“Dude, I drove here, where are you gonna go?”

“Literally anywhere else.” He brushed Martyn off.

“Etho, give him one shot, and if you don’t want to be here anymore then we’ll leave, okay?” Etho pleaded with his eyes the best he could but she was already set. “Trust me.”

He sighed, following his friends to a table, where Martyn volunteered to get their food. From across the restaurant, Bdubs waved at him from where he sat with Impulse, because of course they were in on it too. 

Etho sat grumply not looking at the stage as the band finished the song they were playing. Within a moment, Joel’s voice came on over a microphone, Etho hated the part of his heart that missed hearing it. 

“Alright everybody, thanks again for coming out. Our next song is not really the type of music we usually play, but there’s a special occasion.” Joel took a deep breath before continuing. “Personally, I really like musical theater, which seems a little odd for someone like me, but you can’t blame me for liking good music. This next song is from a musical very near and dear to my heart.” Etho glanced over as Joel took a step away from the mic as Joel put his hand on the neck of an acoustic guitar.

Joel started plucking a bouncing melody that Etho recognized almost immediately from something he had only learned about a few months ago. Joel stepped back up to the mic to start singing. 

“He said there’s nothing like your smile, sort of subtle, and perfect, and real. He said you never knew how wonderful that smile could make someone feel.”

“And he knew whenever you get bored you scribble stars on the cuffs of your jeans. And he noticed that you still fill out the quizzes that they put in those teen magazines.” 

“But he kept it all inside his head, what he saw he left unsaid. And though he wanted to

he couldn't talk to you, he couldn't find the way, but he would always say”

“If I could tell her, tell her everything I see. If I could tell her how she's everything to me. But we're a million worlds apart and I don't know how I would even start. If I could tell her. If I could tell her.” 

Joel continued singing the second verse, but his eyes stayed exactly where they had been as soon as he started singing, trained on Etho. 

Etho could feel his heart soften, he could feel the sincerity, he understood what a big deal it was for Joel to sing a theater song.

At one point, the guy on base joined in singing Zoe’s part, as Joel got to the end of the song. “And how do you say I love you? I love you. I love you. I love you. But we're a million worlds apart. And I don't know how I would even start. If I could tell her. If I could.”

Etho felt his eyes well up as Joel finished singing, staring straight at him. But Etho was afraid of exactly what it meant for him to feel this way. He stood up, walking straight out of the restaurant. As he left, he could hear Joel over the mic say “We’re going to be taking a quick break.”

He was only a little past the side of the building when Joel caught up to him. “Etho, please, can we talk?” 

When Etho turned he was pretty sure he could feel the tears roll down his cheeks. “Yeah, let's talk. How do you actually feel about me Joel? Do you like me, cause I’m pretty sure I like you, but I heard what you said to Jimmy last week.”

Joel looked confused but desperate. “What? What did I say to Jimmy?”

Etho turned away. “You were talking about my face. You talked about my braces.”

“What? Etho, I like your face.”

“You don’t have to lie to me Joel, I know what my face looks like.”

“I’m not lying to you. You’re the prettiest man I have ever seen. I purposefully invited you to a cafe so I could see your face again. I was planning on telling you I liked you after the show last week so I could at least look cool for you before I tried to ask you out. Etho I really, really like you.” 

“You do? Why?” Why would someone like Joel be nervous about someone like him?

“Because you’re you, and I like you. I like the Etho likes froyo and matcha lattes. I like the Etho who doesn’t understand how to text but is still willing to talk to me. I like the Etho who wears a mask and I like the Etho with braces because that’s you.”

Etho looked down into Joel’s eyes which were full of sincerity, desperate for him to answer. “I really like you too Joel. I like your smile, I like your laugh. I like how you look at me and I like that you’re willing to deal with someone like me”

“I want to deal with you Etho, and I want you to call me yours.” Joel cupped Etho’s cheek.

The boy leaned into his hand. “I want you to call me yours too.”

“Then I will.” Joel leaned in for a minute before sighing. “I want to kiss you but I have a show to finish.”

Etho chuckled, quickly pulling down his mask before tugging Joel in for a kiss. “There.” He tugged the mask back over his nose.

Joel’s mouth was aghast. “You can’t just do that. Get back here.” 

He leaned back. “No, no, you’ve got a show to go back to.”

“Agh.” Joel complained. “You’re so mean. You're sure I can’t have one more kiss? For luck?”

Etho rolled his eyes. “Well it can’t hurt.”

Before, Etho thought Joel couldn’t get better at singing, but apparently a good luck kiss improves the skill.

—

Etho looked at himself in the mirror all dressed up in his suit with his green tie that matched Joel’s. Winter formal was the first school he was ever gonna go to and he was slightly nervous, but he was more excited than anything. It was going to be Etho, his boyfriend, and all of his friends, making high school memories together like they were meant to. 

He couldn’t help but smile into the mirror, showing off his teeth. They still had his braces on them but Etho didn’t quite mind. 

The doorbell rang downstairs, letting him know that his friends were finally here. Before he left his room, Etho grabbed his last piece of his outfit, a black cloth mask. It was going to take a while to transition out of wearing it if he ever did, but now it was just an accessory instead of something that he felt he had to hide behind.

Etho looked at himself once more in the mirror and he liked who he saw.

Dear Etho Slab. Today is going to be a good day, and here's why; because today no matter what else, you are you. So no hiding. No lying. Just you, and that's enough.