Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sitting with his back to the oven and his legs stretched in front of him, Janus couldn't find the energy to pull his gaze away from the wall. They hadn't noticed him listening in yet--and they wouldn't. Bowler hat in his hands, void of his gloves, Janus felt his chest twist and choke him from the inside out. He didn't do anything about it.

Listening as they shunned him, listening as they talked about how Thomas might just be a bad person because Deceit existed. It baffled him how Morality had been the one to say that, or--what did they call him? Patton? That was it. 

He really didn't care, his chest felt heavy and his eyes like they wanted to tear up but he was so tired he couldn't cry. Couldn't get up and fight them like he usually would. He couldn't even sleep anymore. He just sat there, listening.

"Thomas, I'm not saying you're all bad--just... maybe not as great as we thought? If Deceit is here--"
"And he is." Thomas sighed, interrupting Patton--Janus noted with distaste.
"...Maybe you're not perfect, no one is! It's okay to have some bad parts!"

'Parts'. Janus didn't hide his flinch. No one would see, nor care, anyways. They acted like he was a broken muffler, something to be replaced. 

He wondered if they were right.

Was that all he was?
The thought made him bend the hat in his hands slightly out of shape.
'No.' He internally scolded, 'there's more than just... deceit.'

The thoughts sounded hallow to him.

He didn't even try to move. Staring across the small kitchenette and to the beige wall ahead. He had tried so hard, so so hard, to teach Thomas that he wasn't a bad person for wanting things sometimes, that it was okay to be selfish sometimes. 
But to Thomas, to everyone, he was just a liar. There was nothing more to him than deceit. He didn't tell them his name, Roman would make fun, Virgil would accuse him of lying despite knowing it was the truth, Logan wouldn't care, and Patton would assume he was just trying to get leverage over them.

He ran a hand over his scales, feeling their smoothness
smooth, like something trouble was meant to roll off of and dissipate with. Smooth like his lies. Smooth like the speed they rejected him with. 
He dug his nails in. 
Smooth like water off a dolphins back. Smooth like how Roman could act like choosing the wedding over the callback was how to beat Janus. Smooth like how Janus easily noted that Creativity stated 'sentence you to one night at the wedding'. 
Sentence.
Janus knew no matter what happened, it was a punishment to Thomas. He lost a massive opportunity or his friends. 

Janus himself was a punishment.

He continued to stare at the wall, lips trembling, unblinking--but not unthinking.

But he had given so much by now.  Janus felt his ribs shake, begging for something. For self-care. 
He was starving, not from lack of eating, they didn't even need to do that. 
Thomas gave him nothing, and Janus was trying so hard to act like every time they said 'selfish' with that tone they used it didn't feel worse than the scales he realized he was tearing from his own skin.

A snake, a liar, maybe if he wasn't so fucking hideous--they'd give him the time of day. Like they had Remus.
Remus had been heard, he forced himself to be heard. They had actually tried to understand Remus, Logan even stated that they couldn't ignore him. That he was there and he needed to be heard to be able to move on.

But Janus didn't get that same chance. 

Instead it was immediate shoving, stepping on his heels if they saw him in the mind palace, chasing him away. Maybe not physical, but the last time he'd been seen, it was Virgil.

Virgil who he had once been so close with.

Virgil who screamed in his face and demanded he go back to the dark sides area and stop bothering them.

"It doesn't matter whether or not Deceit is here! Thomas isn't meant to be a bad person! What- what about repression?" Virgil's voice managed to reach him. "Repress the selfishness until it goes away?"
"What if it's like Remus and it doesn't go away?" Thomas responded defeatedly.
"But its not! Deceit doesn't force ideas in your head he just-just manipulates!"

Blood dripped onto the tile below him. He tasted it, felt it, smelled it. His scales landed on his pants, making a mess for when he inevitably did have to get up. Would they make noise against the cold tile on the floor?

He felt the blood. He saw the scales fall.

He felt no pain.
Janus had been so repressed; he could only feel his gummy joints as they clawed at himself. He knew if they wandered over just ten feet they'd see him, pitiful, bleeding, numb. They'd chase him off again and scream in horror at his mere presence.

He'd been trying to help.

He only made it worse.

He wasn't a person, he was a problem.

And for Thomas, those made great content.
He already looked like a freak--Janus supposed--half reptile, was it to become a villain for them to fight over and over again?
Janus didn't even grin at the thought. It was stupid--he knew that.

He should be acting like he usually did, but there was no one here to watch him. No one to care, no one to act for. He couldn't lie to himself as well as he could to other people. Sure he could, but what was the point? There's no audience watching him. 

There was no him to watch.

"He's a parasite!" Roman shouted in, he didn't flinch this time.
"Realistically, he's not." Logan defended. But Janus didn't get his hopes up. "Deceit works as a large part of your self-preservation, Thomas, along with a smaller part of your self-worth. If Deceit only took from you, there would be nothing to take at all."
"He's..." Roman grappled with a new insult to call Deceit. "A freak! Have you seen him! Thomas doesn't even like snakes!"
"I don't know if that--" Thomas tried but was interrupted by Roman again.
"I'm your hopes and dreams, I think I know what you do and don't like."

Janus peeled more scales off, a sickening 'riiiiiip' sounding. Quiet enough that it was a noise just for him. He felt the skin underneath tear. His skin felt raw underneath. 
Snakes shed their skin, he was ripping his off. Roman knew what Thomas wanted, he should be on his side here. But he wasn't. Roman was so full of pride and righteousness that just because he was a dark side, something Roman had labelled, he was evil.

"If Deceit isn't evil, what is he?" Thomas asked, Janus let his hand fall from his face as he listened.
"He is evil." Virgil grumbled
"Deceit works as your self-preservation, the reason he pushes you to be so selfish is a lot like how Roman despises them. Protection." Logan's words drew an offended noise from Roman but it gave Janus some sort of feeling he hadn't in a while.

Maybe Logan saw through the others. He was Logic after all. It was his job to see past emotion.
Maybe...
"What is he protecting me from?"
"Patton." Logan responded, causing a tense stillness to rest over the group. Janus scoffed silently.
"What."
"Patton has proven time and time again you should continue to give no matter what."
Patton jumped in immediately, "What!? No! If Thomas needs time to himself he should take it!"
"Right," Logan nodded. "If he needs time he should take it. But what about items, if Thomas were given a dilemma between supporting himself or supporting... say, his mother, what would you have him do?"
"I-... oh, eum..."
"Exactly." Logan hummed at Patton's immediate falter.

Was it wrong of Janus to feel satisfied when Patton was humbled? Maybe.
"That's not even realistic!" Virgil jumped in to argue.
'Maybe not to you...' Janus responded mentally.
"Maybe not for Thomas," Logan started. "but it is a very real dilemma most people face today. With retiring parents battling inflation, they often need help from their children so people at the ages of 70-80 don't have to go back to work." 
If Janus could, he'd hug Logan. But neither liked physical contact enough for that. 
"So to pose that question, whose quality of life should one preserve, isn't that out of the question."

Janus relished in the silence that fell over the group. A silence he could fill if he could find the energy to just get up. The tears they couldn't patch--he could. But they would rather walk around torn to shit than let him in. 
"So what do we do? We can't just... let him in. He's still untrustworthy." Thomas sighed, Janus rolled his eyes.
"Well... I suppose we could go about it like Remus?" Logan suggested. 

Janus noted how since Patton had been told off he hadn't spoken. Neither had Roman. Well, until his brother was brough up.
"Absolutely not! Remus is your pet project, Logan. We are not bringing in Deceit!" 
Janus cringed at that, since Remus revealed himself as a side, Logan had been studying the absolute hell out of him. Janus had never seen Remus so uncomfortable.

Remus who had never had a problem with being himself. 
Remus who now targeted Thomas in person rather than through the mind so Logan couldn't watch him as easily. 

Janus shivered at that. Remus was working around Logan to do his job because being studied weakened him. Janus could only do so much to block off Logan. 
But Logan was so far the only one who saw more than his lies. He didn't want to chase that away. But what else could he do? He had to protect the only other person on his side before he left like...

Like Virgil did. 

Virgil.

Janus wanted to hit himself for still feeling guilty about him. He had made his choice, he'd left. Chosen the light over the darkness he found comforting. 
Janus had tried to get him to stay.
He'd spoken to him, tried to understand, but Virgil get putting in space, kept turning away. 
Janus lashed out.

He regretted that everyday, maybe he could've kept him around even just to visit if he hadn't screamed.

If he hadn't hit. 

Janus had been so blinded by fear of being left behind, so blinded by anger that Virgil chose people who never stopped rejecting them over those who accepted him flaws and all. He was hurt, angry, and afraid. But he knew he should've never hit him. It was a simple back hand before he grabbed his jaw so tight it bruised. 

So simple, it felt so miniscule, but he remembered it too well.

"So you're leaving." Janus sneered, Remus had returned to his room the moment Janus raised his voice.
"I-I'm not leaving, I'm just--"
"Lying. Are you seriously lying to me."
Virgil shrunk back. Janus couldn't read him.

"You're leaving for those assholes who literally exclude you every day!" Janus shouted.
He didn't remember what Virgil had said, because in the next second Virgil was backing away from him. Backing towards the light.

"Are you actually fucking serious?" Janus scoffed, "Genuinely asking here, because this is fucking ridiculous."
"Yes I am! I'm going, okay? Thomas needs me--"
"No, you need Thomas to know you." Janus hissed, literally, he drug the 'sss' on 'Thomas'. He didn't even realize he was doing it.

"You said yourself if we needed to go up there we could!" 
"Not if its going to make you duck out! And knowing you, you will!"

And he had been right. Virgil ducked out not more than a year later. 

Janus knew that was going to happen, just like he knew Thomas was going to loathe this wedding and possibly blame his friends and loose that friendship along the way too. He needed to go to this callback. Yet since Janus had suggested it, now it wouldn't happen.

But Janus hadn't seen the entire picture. Virgil was so much more confident now, he didn't stutter, he was more decisive and sure. He still hid what was scaring him, but he didn't hide away when the others asked and tried to understand. It was like a stab to the chest to admit Virgil had made the best choice by leaving.

Janus had to accept that though. And he had to accept what else he'd done to Virgil.

"Even if I back out, at least I tried! You're to afraid to even show your face because you can't take that rejection!"

Janus struck him. A harsh slap to the face, eyes blazing with fury--an orange tint to them both--his hand squeezed Virgil's jaw a second later. 

"You don't know me." A lie. "I am doing the best I can for all of us. And you're leaving." He sneered at Virgil's wide, horrified eyes

Janus let go. the orange fading from his gaze as his own expression began to mirror Virgil's. Horrified at what he'd just done. Both of them were frozen.

So, Janus made the decision--the last one he'd make for Virgil.

"Get out."

---

Janus looked down at his hands now. The color distorted against the dark lighting and the kitchen tile. It was his doing, he had done this. Virgil had every right to hate him entirely. Janus didn't blame him
He hated himself ever since that day.

After the paralyzing guilt began to fade, Janus would watch from the shadows whenever the sides gathered with Thomas to talk--for a video or not--even if the sides were just hanging out. He'd watch. Make sure Virgil was okay, and when he wasn't he sent Remus to pester Virgil until he felt better.

Sure Virgil and Remus had a tense relationship, they still could somewhat tolerate each other.

Well, back then they could. But since Virgil had been talked out of ducking out, Remus hadn't been able to get three words out before Virgil was shouting at him to leave.

Janus couldn't help but tie it to Roman, ever since Virgil and Roman started somewhat getting along, Virgil hadn't even looked at Remus in the mind palace when they saw each other.

Janus and Remus were alone.

And whilst Janus wanted to say that that was okay, it wasn't. They'd begun to avoid each other too. Not hate, but Janus knew Remus blamed him for Virgil leaving. And he was right to.

When Janus realized it was silent in the living room, he went to leave assuming they had as well. 

He was wrong.

Patton gasped seeing his movement in the kitchen, whipping his head around to stare at Patton staring at him, Janus sunk out in seconds. But not before Virgil had seen him watching, stalking. The last thing Janus heard before he had fully left...

"That fucking snake... I'll be back." 

Chapter Text

Janus had seconds, no, less than that. He had to clean up, get his scales pristine.

They looked awful. Patches were missing, his yellow eye was red and irritated, his skin raw underneath. He raked his hands through his hair as he glared in the mirror to try and force a disguise. It didn't work.

Gloves. His gloves, shit, where were those? He couldn't disguise himself as something else without them. His hat was thrown carelessly somewhere. 

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Virgil appeared behind him, making him whip around to cover up his flinch, his heartbeat a tempo fit for rap.

"What the fuck was that? Were you fucking stalking us?" Virgil snapped, stepping to Janus, standing tall like the snake had all that time ago.
"What the fuck do you think gives you the right to watch us? You chose to stay in the dark!"

Janus recoiled, back hunched, eyes narrowing. "I didn't choose shit."
Virgil's tempest tone crept up his throat but he forced it back. "You chose to send me away!"
Janus scoffed, "You were leaving anyways!"
"You know I would've stayed if you hadn't lashed out!"

"No you wouldn't!"

Janus and Virgil both went quiet back that, and Virgil took in Janus' stand. Rigid, shoulders hunched, his stance low but he was trying to stand tall.

He reminded Virgil of himself.

Virgil looked around the room next, there were dozens of mirrors, dozens of reflections. Virgil assumed it was because Janus was a narcissistic asshole, but a lot of these mirrors were broken. Something had changed.

"Fine, I wouldn't have. But that doesn't change what you did. You knew I was going to leave, what the hell was the point? What sort of twisted satisfaction did you get--"
"I didn't get any!" Janus interrupted. 

Janus was avoiding Virgil's gaze, arguing to a reflection was easier, so he looked past Virgil into a mirror that reflected himself. God... his scales were disgusting. 
"I don't-... I didn't get anything out of it, ssso if you're looking for some sort of ssstupidly satisfying answer, you won't get one." He was hissing now, not even meaning to. He hardly meant to when he did hiss on his words.

"Look at me."
Janus didn't.
"Janus. Look at me." 
Janus couldn't, he didn't want to. He didn't want to face what he'd done. But he didn't deserve to hide from Virgil anymore.

Raising his gaze, Virgil stuttered in his breathing. Seeing the scaled side of his face, or lack of thereof. 
"Good god." Virgil mumbled, eyes widening a fraction before he got angry. "Why the fuck did you do that to yourself!?"

Janus didn't have a response, he just looked away again.
Virgil took a breath, raking his hands down his face. "No, no. We're doing this. You're done hiding from me."

Virgil had grown so much, Janus hated it. Years ago, Virgil would have never even suggested this at all.

Virgil didn't need him.

Janus didn't start the next sentence, so Virgil did. "First off, you don't get to keep sulking and pretending you didn't hurt me when you come out of this shitty hole of yours."

Janus didn't respond.

"You don't get to just be silent either, you're done standing by and watching everything go down whilst you get off scot-free." 

Janus didn't respond.

"If you're in this, do your job."
"I do my job." Janus snarled, gaze snapping back to Virgil. He couldn't face the guilt, but he could face anger. "You and your bitch-squad make sure no matter what I do Thomas never listens."
Virgil didn't flinch back like Janus thought he would. He just scoffs.
"So that's your issue?"

Janus wanted to throttle him. Virgil didn't run like he thought he would, he just snapped back.
"What." He snarled, like he was the hunted for the first time.
"Thomas doesn't listen, that's why you're so pissed all the time." 
"None of you listen. Especially not you."

Virgil bristled, scoffing. "I do listen, but who knows what to believe."
"There it is, go on, tell me what a shit-faced liar I am. It's all you're good at Paranoia. Cutting down to the truth."
Janus knew he was being a dick, he knew that was too low of a blow. But Virgil was way to close to some territory he did not want to be in.

"You fucking--" Virgil reached out to grab him, damn near ready to beat some sense into him when Janus recoiled. Hard. He slammed himself into one of the many mirrors and smashed it on accident, he flinched when shards rained down on him, slicing tiny cuts in his skin. Virgil watched on in horror.

To say Virgil saw his past self was an understatement now. Janus, he had lost his defenses, his disguise, his composure. And what was left?

...

What was left?

"Why did you do it then." Virgil settled on asking. 
"Why did I hit you? I told you, I don't know."
"No, why were you watching us out there." Janus was quiet.

He stayed quiet for a while, glaring at tiny shards of his reflection on the floor. Virgil prompted him again.
"Janus." 
"I wasn't watching you." He responded carefully. Virgil rolled his eyes.
"Bullshit."
"I was watching for you." His gaze flicked up to Virgil for a moment before dropping again. "Big difference."

Virgil let him continue talking, getting the truth from the snake... how ironic.

"I was watching because the light sides... they aren't safe. Look at Remus if you need proof! Logan's got him worked down so much he hardly leaves his room anymore! Remus practically lived in his side of the imagination and Remus has been changed because of them. And so have you."
Janus glared at Virgil, he was getting pissed off again.
"And you still chose them. That's the thing, you don't think. You just do, you don't consider jackshit. Someone has to make sure that when you change its not for the worse. I didn't watch after Remus and now I don't know that I'll see him out of his room again."

There was silence, a beat, and Janus let out a wet laugh. 
"Not much different from you straight up leaving, though."

Virgil let the silence after that hang like a noose that choked them both. He was speaking before he even realized it.
"Me and Remus were never your responsibility to look after." 
He didn't receive a response, or, Virgil thought he wouldn't. But he did, and it was a bitter laugh.

"Oh HELL no. You do not get to pretend like that's what this is. This isn't some tragic misunderstanding where I lost the ones I cared for most or whatever cartoony bullshit the lights have forced so far up your ass it came out your mouth. You left. You left me and Remus. You never once even looked back at the people who were there since you were Paranoia."

"Janus that's not fair, everyone changes."
Janus laughed again, his posture tense and eyes shimmering with tears; he'd rather impale his eyes than let fall. 
"Yeah, everyone changes. You did quite a lot." He sneered. "And don't talk to me about fair."
He finally moved, he stepped to Virgil, trying in vein to intimidate him one last time. It didn't work.
"Nothing about any of your decisions have ever been fair. It's always been about you."

Virgil stepped closer and Janus backed up, an odd trade that ten years ago would've never happened.
"Don't twist this, you sent me away, you put that nail in the coffin."
"I was angry, I was weak, I was a fucking pathetic shitbag--There I fucking admit it! I suck. I hit you because you wouldn't come back and I knew it but you kept saying you would. And I was right." Janus was panting when he was done with his little meltdown, and Virgil was rendered speechless. 

"Something you and your friends-" The word left a bitter taste in his mouth. "-Need to understand is that in every situation I've gotten involved in. I've been right. Abut the wedding, about lying in general, about you."
Virgil mentally held back his correction since Janus had literally been wrong when it came to lying to Joan when he first revealed himself to Thomas.

"You're acting like I left to hurt you or something--"
"You did." Janus amended. Virgil couldn't get a word out before Janus tutted bitterly, raising his gaze to the ceiling to measure the insanity that was this confrontation.
"It's what you never admit. That Remus was too loud, I was too sharp. You left because you couldn't handle us, you couldn't handle being one of us. We were too much right? Too difficult, too-"

Virgil cut in, "Stop."

He didn't. "And you changed the second someone offered you softness, the second they gave you that silver spoon. You threw away everything as soon as they came into the picture. And now-"

Janus covered his mouth with his hand when his voice cracked into a strained whimper. He forced himself to get over the choking feeling of his constricting throat. Constricting like a snake around prey, funny how he was doing it to himself.

Standing there, looking at a mere shell of who Virgil once knew, he began to realize something. Janus would never outright say it.

He wasn't mad Virgil left, he was mad he didn't fight to stay.

That's why Janus hit him. He was trying to see how deep his loyalty lied.

And he failed.

Miserably.

He'd essentially abandoned Janus.

Virgil thought about his words, this wasn't just about himself anymore, this was both of them. 
"You think I chose them over you."

Janus shook his head, "No." His voice choked, gaze low. "I don't care what you chose. I care that you didn't choose us at all."
Immediately, Janus tried to laugh it off. But his emotions betrayed, the tears fell and he loathed it. Immediately covering his despair with rage.
He had said it, said the truth. And now he needed to hide it.
"You think Remus doesn't see it? He sees it as clearly as I do. You just left, no goodbye, no last look, you were there one day, gone the next."

The misery clawed its way up his throat, tearing into him. 
"You left like we were already dead."

Virgil grimly noted that Janus did look dead. Bleeding in tiny cuts on his hands, his eyes red, irritated and exhausted. The skin of his face was sunken in. He just looked like he was poorly prepped for a funeral. 
Something he didn't have the ability to name settled in Virgil's chest and left him unable to speak. Something guilty and hurting, Janus refused to look at him, every time he did there was a flame of fury behind his eyes, but when he looked away it was empty, just... nothing.
"Janus..." Virgil tried, voice achingly soft.

"Don't." His voice shook, utterly shredded. He swiftly wiped his face with the back of his still bare hand. "Don't you dare pity me. Virgil I swear--."
"I'm not."
Janus laughed, a bitter, cold and broken sound. "Yes. You are. That's what you do, you get soft, you spend enough time with the lights and suddenly everyone needs to be fixed." Janus sneered as his back hunched slightly, as the adrenaline died down he could feel his stinging hands and how each time he moved them they bit as his muscles.

Virgil stepped closer anyways.

Janus stumbled back.

"Sstop," Janus hissed--a broken plea. He wasn't being hunted, but he was found. And that was just as dangerous. "I don't want--I can't--"

"I did miss you." Virgil let Janus sit with that thought. "I missed you, I missed Remus, shit, I missed just being here."
Janus sounded like he was trying to convince himself. "You never looked back."
"No, you never looked up to see me look back."

Janus's head shot up, breath hitching as he took in Virgil's words. He couldn't respond, eyes wide in shock. 
He knew Virgil was right, and he hated it. He had been so full of himself to realize that Virgil had looked back, he'd thought about them. And Janus rejected it.
He made Virgil think he hated him.
While he thought Virgil abandoned them.

What a wonderful misunderstanding.

"I didn't leave because I thought you and Remus were too much." Virgil stepped closer again. "I left because I thought I was."
Janus scoffed, "If you had been too much you'd have to outdo Remus." 
"I thought you didn't want me around anymore." Virgil responded, not letting Janus change the subject like he wanted to.
"Of course we wanted you around."
"What about you? Not 'we', not 'us', not Remus. What did you want?"

Janus' breath caught, he looked away but Virgil wouldn't let him.
"I wanted you to fight for me and Remus."
But the words wouldn't leave him--he couldn't make that confession. It was too raw, a wound yet to scab over but still picked at.
He stayed quiet for a long while. Long enough that Virgil tried to breathe though his constricting throat.

Virgil reached out, meaning to place a hand on his shoulder. Trying to be supportive, trying to coax an answer out.
Janus jerked back again, flinching. He didn't want support, he didn't need comfort or pity.
He didn't see the comfort in the motion.

He saw the threat.

Janus shoved him back, Virgil nearly tripping over his own two feet in the process.
And then they were back. Back to ten years ago, when Janus initially struck Virgil. Both shocked at what Janus had done.
I was for hardly a second, but they both saw it in each other.

Janus froze, they both did. Staring at each other like they had shocked each other in the process. A stand off between a python and black widow. Both ready to hurt, and both capable of being hurt.
But both held one thought, a hivemind void of hive. Just their own thoughts and voices screaming at them over and over.
I didn't mean to make it worse.

Chapter Text

To say they were both panicked was an understatement.

Janus was literally back-to-wall and shaking. It was restrained enough someone not accustomed to shaking from stress--someone other than Virgil--wouldn't have noticed.
But he did.
He saw it, and it scared the hell out of him. Seeing Janus, someone who always had their shit together, looking like this?

It was scary. 

This was Thomas' self-preservation. Torn off scales, bleeding hands, bloodshot eyes, shaking, defensive at every word.
Virgil didn't know what that meant for Thomas, for the others, for himself. And most pressingly, for Janus.

"Jan..." Virgil reached out again, hand hovering between the to let Janus decide what happened. 

Janus' gaze narrowed, glaring at the offering. Was it peace? Was it meant to be? Because to Janus, it was farewell. It was 'I can't help you and I am gonna leave after this.'
He slapped the hand away so hard it echoed in the room, and Virgil finally flinched again.
"No." He snapped, voice a snarl, "No you don't get to- no."
Janus couldn't formulate his words well enough to speak his mind at the moment.

"Janus-"
"Don't." His voice cracked. He stepped back so sharply his heel hit the wall he was barely standing away from. "You don't get to come in here, beat me down, and--and do that."
Virgil's chest tightened, breathing suddenly harder. "I was just trying--"
"Trying to what?" He scoffed. "Pat me on the head? Tell me every things okay? Fix me like one of your problems?"

His breathing was fast--too fast, Virgil noticed--sharp and hardly even filling his lungs. Every word that came out having built up for years and years. Emotions piled high and unsorted.
“You think I want your pity? You think I need your comfort? You think—” he swallowed, the sound harsh, “—you can just walk in here after everything, fix whatever you want, and leave right after?"
"I'm not leaving, I'll come visit--"
Janus laughed, tears re-gathering fast.

Virgil made that promise ten years ago. Janus was done trusting him.

"Are you fucking serious? Genuinely asking right now, are you actually fucking having a laugh?" Janus snapped, gaze sharp and tone outright venomous.
"You'd never visit. Because unlike your love for normalcy, things have changed here. Remus is half-dead, thank Logan for that. I can't get a word out and its killing Thomas. Thank Patton for that. And you fight every-time you show your face because they refuse to accept you! Thank Roman. All they have ever done--"
"Janus please-"
"Is hurt us!" 

It was quiet after that. Virgil didn't know what to say to stop Janus from screaming at him, Janus didn't know how to stop.
So they both went silent.
Carefully, Virgil counted to himself to breathe so he didn't panic. Janus was bleeding, wounds exposed to him. He had to be the strong one here.

This was so much deeper than a slap from ten years ago.

"I didn't come here to fight you." Virgil decided on, and Janus scoffed.
"First, that's bullshit. You literally did. And Second, if you really thought I'd believe that, you're more naïve than I remember."
"Janus please--I-... I just want to help."
"Yeah, you've done such an amazing job of that." Janus retorted sharply, arms crossing defensively over his chest.
"I can't-- I can't do this with you. Not now. I can't do the apologies, not the explanations, not the pitying little speeches the light sides taught you. I can't and I won't."
"I'm not pitying you," It seemed like he had to say that every five seconds...
"You are and I won't take that horseshit."

Virgil sighed, taking a breath to loosen his aching lungs. "Then what do you want? From me." He clarified.

Janus stared at him. For a heartbeat, something soft broke through — grief so sharp it could cut.

Then he killed it.

“I want you to leave.”

"Janus-- no, please, don't-"
"Don't? Don't push you away? You had no problem with listening ten years ago, so make like the static life you want and leave."
When Virgil didn't respond and didn't leave Janus kept going.
"You don't get to waltz in like a hero and drag up a decade of damage and expect me to process it for you when I haven't even processed it myself!" Janus shouted at him, raising his voice to scare Virgil into not speaking.
"That's not what this is!" Virgil was shouting too.
"Then what is it? Closure? Catharsis? You want to feel better about leaving? There, forgiven, I forgive you for leaving. Happy?"

Virgil's voice lowered, not threateningly but genuinely upset.
"You don't mean that..."
"Of course I don't!" He grit through his teeth. "But it gets you out of my room."

“You want me gone that badly?”
“I want you to stop pretending you care!”
Virgil’s voice finally cracked. “If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be here!”
Janus laughed sharply. “Of course you would. You always show up when it’s about you.”

That one landed. Hard.

Virgil was on defense now, he knew he shouldn't be. That Janus was deflecting and insulting because he was hurting. But it was instinct.
"I always show up for people. You kept bringing up Remus--have you actually done anything to help him? No. You left him there, let him deal with being studied like a project alone. Because that's all you do. You just look at things and point out flaws. You don't fix anything."
Instantly, his veins felt like ice. Virgil immediately regretting lashing out like that, that was not only what Janus did not need. But it just sealed the deal.

"Get. Out."
Janus snarled.

The mirrors swung from their suspension ropes, threatening to break loose and come crashing down. They hardly even reflected, just shook and moved.

"I didn't--"

"I fucking said leave."

Virgil made a noise, hurt, regretful, and broken.
And with guilt heavy enough to drown a god, he glanced to the door.
He didn't want to leave, Janus needed help. 
But maybe this was something he needed to let lie.

Virgil looked back to Janus, stepping lethargically.
He reached out one last time, hoping in vein. He held his hand there--stupidly--for a long few seconds before gravity pulled his exhausted limb down and his hand met cold metal. Not Janus, the doorknob.

Why did he think he could help...